#— thread | the absurd hero’s refusal to hope becomes his singular ability to live in the present with passion

[naitfall]

@vonbirden asked:

🎁 - for zeke c:<

spotify wrapped has arrived. send me a number from 1-100 for a starter based on that song, or a lyric from it, or send a 🎁 for me to shuffle.

49 - Where's My Love || SYML

Levi and Zeke are in the paths. Both are almost dead, but after Ymir fixes Zeke's body, Zeke gets close to an almost dead Levi

Where’s my love? LOVE. Humanity’s nastiest disease. A curse, to bind them both to life and death— absurd how for love they’d live, and for love they’d die. For love, they’d lose their sanity, a sickness to rot the brain. There was no antidote, no medicine to cure its symptoms. How many had lost their minds? How many had succumbed to it, and died, for love? More than Levi could count— never he could imagine, he’d find the same ending. Falsely he believed he had immunity against it, for he was still alive when everyone else had died, unbeknownst to him, he had lost to it the moment he made that vow to Erwin. Out of love. An arrogant fool he had been, as much sick and demented as they all were. To search for meaning in someone else, in this meaningless world. To chase for hope and comfort, in a cruel world where there was none. 

Love. He had never voiced such words, hadn’t he? He had led his whole life without any regrets, but in his last moments, regrets had come to haunt him, too weak to resist. I love you mother. How much he wished he had the chance to tell her. I love you guys. If only they had known, Farlan and Isabel. Everyone. . . You’re important to me. His squad. I love you Er– No. That didn’t seem right. Erwin, I– Were these truly the words he would have said to him? He still had a chance, for the line to separate life and death had grown thinner, and Levi was right at the border. Would he cross the line?

Zeke’s desperate scream was the last he had heard. A high-pitched sound followed, and then complete silence. For how long was he unconscious, lingering in that endless night, with only darkness in sight? And yet, he could still feel, still burning with life, a small flickering fire, all his senses on alert. A man in his last moments was meant to see the ones most dear to him. For Erwin, it had been his father, and the moment replayed in that comforting delirious state of mind he was lost in, was the day that had decided his course of life. For Levi was . . . 

Erwin. A blurry blond figure stood on top of him. He couldn’t listen, couldn’t process anything he said, for sound wouldn’t reach him. He couldn’t see, not through his own blood, he couldn’t focus his eyes on the man close to him, and yet the starry sky above their heads was crystal clear, as if Levi wouldn’t need to see its beauty with his eyes, a sight of the mind and heart. Where were they, if not by the side of the river? When did it stop raining? In sand, he’d lay. The paths. It was warm, a place that held a certain peace, calming his raging mind. It would be a peaceful death. And yet, a tragic one.

A ghost. Erwin. Did you know that we bleed the same? Erwin. He tried calling out his name. You poor thing. . . It wasn’t Erwin’s voice. Did he still remember his voice? It’s been years, since he last heard it.

‘ You won’t have eyes tonight. You won’t have ears or a tongue. You will wander the underworld blind, deaf and dumb, and all the dead will know: this is [...] the fool who thought he killed [...]. ’

Levi had read this, in one of Erwin’s books. A tragic story about revenge, and how one could lose oneself, when succumbing to grief and anger. Was this truly his ending? Would he die, having accomplished nothing at all? What about all their sacrifices? The vow he had made to him? Erwin. Had he come to escort him to the other life? To ask him what happened of all their dedicated hearts? Or to speak the words they never admitted to one another?

Did you run away? Come back. . . 

Erwin. Erwin. Erwin. He kept calling out his name, but he couldn’t tell if his voice could be heard. His hand reached for him, for the figure on top of him, a slight raise in his right hand. He could barely move, or speak, choking in his own blood. Such a pathetic sight he had become, and when his greatest enemy watched with pity. Coughing even more blood, his body stiffened, every muscle contracting at once violently, his breathing shallow and ragged, fingers of his left hand curling in the sand, while still desperately reaching for him. For Erwin. He was dying. But before he did. . . 

How dangerous, to care for someone. Was it LOVE though, the reason he’d self-destruct? Maybe, if he had never made that vow, he wouldn’t have been this close to death. Was it love, that yearning? Or not? Truth is, there was something much more intense than love. OBSESSION.

Any other man would be seeing those most dear, in his final moments. Memories of peace, and comfort. But for Levi, revenge was rooted deep inside his heart, deeper than any love ever could. There wasn’t love in those clouded eyes of his, but an opportunity to kill. To avenge the one most dear to him. The one who had changed his course of life.

In the sand his hand was buried, as if in between spasms he’d search for something. He got hold of it. A piece of wood that was stuck in his hand. Erwin. He called his name again, more coughing, his voice breaking. Erwin. I’ll keep my promise. Are you watching me? The man on top of him gets closer. Zeke gets closer. He had one single chance, one moment to collect all his strength and to lift his body just a tiny bit. A chance to stab that piece of wood in his neck.

As if death could have him before he finished him. He’d hold onto this life with everything he had, he wouldn’t bite the dust before he found death by his hand. 

[moved--naitfall]

continued ask | Porco @jxwz & Levi

Immediately, Porco clips his mouth shut and drops into the nearest chair available. Even if he is already healing—steam spilling out from between his fingers, his bloody bicep clutched tight to his side—there's no way he's going to argue with the Captain. An order is still an order and Porco didn't get this far by disobeying them and defying his superiors. He's not an idiot.

"Sir." It is the only thing he says; his respect shown, authority acknowledged. An effort he hopes that will steer him out from the center of the Captain's ire. And at least the blood on the floor won't stay there for long. . .

They were humans. Alongside them, alongside the soldiers of the Survey Corps, fought those with the power of titans— to transform, to heal, to survive when all hope was lost. The thin line between humans and human-eating monsters shall never be crossed, the warriors' nature, their birth and rights as human beings, shall never be questioned, else their own humanity would be the one to doubt, and Levi had seen with his own eyes countless monsters wearing human skin. They weren’t tools to use until they’d break, to endure such pain and suffering. To be seen as someone inhuman, both a monster and a tool— ‘humanity’s strongest soldier’ wasn’t unfamiliar to that.

He shouldn’t have been worried, and yet he couldn’t divert his eyes when looking at a young soldier, HIS soldier, suffering in pain as if it were natural, whose injuries could have put his life in danger. In disgust he’d stare, for how absurd was the sight before him, yet incredible, to witness wounds close. It was disgust, at the proof of a world that wouldn’t make any sense, and their efforts to give up on reason for the sake of survival.

His intended grouchy mood was cut off by complete obedience. ❝ Make sure you don't die. ❞ He had enough suicidal brats to watch over.

[moved-naitfall]

plotted starter with @osmosisdreams / Eren Yeager & Levi Ackerman (Post-Canon AU)

After a lifetime of war, of questioning who the real enemy was ( taking different shapes, titans or humans, Eldia or Marley, Zeke or Eren ), they had found themselves giving in to a false sense of peace. The world was still in chaos, humanity having once again not learnt from past mistakes, of the consequences of war, plans to repeat past catastrophes already set in motion. It was an inseparable part of the human nature after all, to seek to destroy one another. An irresistible desire that'd dominate those who had been wronged by fate.

Levi had known such darkness from a very young age. Personal was his experience with resentment, having spent his youth in a hole in the dirt, believing he deserved better, and willing to step over as many corpses as it took, to earn what he should have had. That man had no conscience, no interest in the wellbeing of others, of dedicating his heart to a selfless cause. It took a great amount of agony to see himself in the mirror, and change who he was. Those who had nothing, who had lost everything, were dangerous, and they lived in dangerous times where everyone had already lost most of themselves. What future held for them and those to come, was a mystery none dared to discover.

❝ What took you so long? ❞ he mumbled, walking in with his cane in hand. He hadn't been waiting for long at Eren's doorstep since he knocked, but the pain in his leg grew worse for every second he remained standing. He tried to walk more these days, so he could regain part of his strength, get back on his feet — literally. There was almost no improvement in the last few months, having probably reached the limit of his abilities. ❝ Were you taking a shit or something? ❞ His bitterness remained at its usual levels, but the veteran was struggling hard not to let any more poison spill. Pain dominated most of his thoughts these days, clouding his formerly sharp judgement. It took most of his strength to ground himself, pretend to keep it together. He wasn't familiar after all, with physical pain being as intense and persistent as that of his soul.

He quickly took seat, his gaze directly set on the closed-off curtains. ❝ Open the windows. Let some fresh air in. It's as if somebody died in here. ❞ And it had. And the poison had escaped him. He consciously bore a rare air of criticism, of wanting him to do better. Of wanting Eren not to waste the life he had been forced to give up on years ago. Return among the living. Ironic, wasn't it, for the boy who sought absolute freedom, to reach far beyond the walls, having confined himself in the four walls of his house? Truth was, the war had stripped them both of their wings. Levi had found himself in a different kind of prison than Eren's, that of his own weakened body.

With the same body he had once tasted a glimpse of freedom — the scent of the air beyond the walls. Of becoming one with the wind, of the gentle touch of the warming sunlight. For someone who had no hope to ever set eyes on the blue sky, the moment he had first stepped outside the walls riding his horse, the moment he got to know what was like to have everything and lose it, was the same moment his life mission had been fulfilled. The man he was had to perish, and be reborn as someone new. Someone whose purpose was to fulfill the dreams of others, instead. And now, after many years his role was over. He couldn't be of any use in his pitiful state. The distance between everyone he had known grew further every day as they searched for their own path, rebuild their new lives, while his own had long reached its dead end. Each passing day seemed to bring him closer to everyone he had lost. When he'd reunite with them was unknown, yet felt far more closer than when he was still risking his life in the battlefield.

[naitfall]

In a forest they hid, where the hunter and the prey were already decided. In this game of chase, they'd both sit and wait, for who was going to make the first move, and RUN. ❝ I'd rather do this in silence. ❞ An animal Zeke was, for there wasn't a soul in those empty eyes of his. Even in war, there was mercy. Even in between enemies, there was respect. But not between them, for Levi's enemy had long succumbed to the beast he had inherited, wouldn't any longer bear any human qualities, wouldn't any longer resemble a human being— and for that, he didn't intend to treat him as one, when the time to make him pay would come.

Despite his short temper, Levi had much more patience than he'd let show. All that whining, all that teasing wasn't enough to get on his nerves. Not when he'd waited for years for the moment he'd dig his blade deep into his throat. It was just a matter of time now, and the more the blond provoked him, the stronger his lust for blood would grow— the sadist in him, restrained, for when the moment was right. ❝ If you don't mind, please shut that shitty mouth of yours. ❞ Glazed, focused, piercing was his gaze. Eyes looking at prey, a prey he had staked his claim on a long time ago. Observing its behavior, watching it hope to escape, feeling satisfied with itself, before the battle for its life would begin. Before the chase would begin.

𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋! @naitfall ➳ ​​​🇿​​🇪​​🇰​​🇪​ & ​🇱​​🇪​​🇻​​🇮​

“ Man, Levi. You know, it starting to seem like you have nothing else you'd rather do then glare at me. ” Zeke would like to say it's unnerving, but really, he was used to it. Despite his own toying words, the eyes that return to the captain are all but dead. Barely a flicker in them. He's a man of war. His teasing disposition scarcely displays in his appearance. He complains about the conditions he's in, whines about the unfair treatment, even asks for things he knew would get under his skin ... truth be told, he's been in much worse living conditions then this. It was nothing to him. All the same ... “ You're gonna make me blush at all this attention. ”

[naitfall]

continued ask || Eren ( @centuricnis ) & Levi

eren hadn't really come over to talk. afterall, the last thing he associated levi with was long drawn conversations. still, his presence was a comfort to him and the brunet found himself gravitating to wherever his captain was when he needed a moment to just gather himself. sometimes eren had wished they'd never found what his father had hidden in that cellar. it seemed to make everything so much more complicated in his mind. what was the point of it all?

he grimaced and sighed softly in defeat. just trying to figure it all out made his head hurt. instead, teal eyes flicker over to the shorter man, taking in his familiar frame with the almost ever present furrow in his brows. sometimes he wants to just reach up to smooth it out and his fingers twitch with the sudden compulsion to. he curls them into a fist to avoid doing something idiotic.

"that's okay... we don't have to talk," he finally replies after what's probably been a minute of silence. "i came over here for the quiet, anyway."

Unusually bright was the starry night sky. One could not directly stare at the moon for long, as if meaning to challenge the sun. On nights like this, he was reminded of them. On the spot Eren had taken seat, used to be Isabel. She'd laugh and excitedly swing her legs, her desire for life radiating even long after she was gone, even to this day, where she kept on living in his memories. On nights like this, his silence carried an air of melancholy that kept most at distance. But not him, as if intending to defy any and all boundaries he had set, and most hadn’t yet dared to cross.

He wouldn’t submit to orders, wouldn’t back away in the face of danger. He didn’t know when to retreat, charging into a battle he was certain to lose. And yet, for once Levi didn’t wish to fight back. For once, he didn’t mind losing to a persistent brat who hadn’t heard of personal space before, and indiscreetly kept staring as if he could see right through him. As if he claimed to understand, to accept, the parts Levi kept for himself, for long nights where he could look at the stars and recall the dreams he once had, dreams that had long died with the last of his family.

❝ You should get some sleep. ❞ To anyone else, it’d seem like he wanted him to leave. He didn’t. ❝ It's late. ❞

[moved--naitfall]

@worldhell asked:

❛   volumes .   gaze  at  my  muse  in  a  way  that  silently  says  ‘i love you’ . - farlan c:

𝐋𝐎𝐔𝐃  &  𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐅𝐄𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐒𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄

He couldn’t help but wonder: what was Farlan staring at, wearing such an expression? What was that he saw and where could their perceptions differ? Both curious and unwilling to find out, his nature once again proving to be impossible to decipher. Unwilling, for he believed it was better if he couldn’t see himself clearly — if he didn’t know where his heart found shelter (in his hands, Farlan’s hands). If he didn’t know he was still weak, and could break at any moment, as easy as it was to lose him.

Maybe their hearts weren’t meant to align. A sacrifice he’d make, for his sake. Levi would turn his attention elsewhere, in the opposite direction of Farlan, avoiding his gaze, quite blatantly at that. Resisting to be held captive, give in to hope, the most destructive of human emotions. He needed to be free, to ensure a future for them both. He’d fight against him, the hardest of battles, he’d march forward, to a pace he couldn’t match, clear up the road ahead of all monsters. Didn’t Farlan realize the reason he kept trying to escape him? Or was he more interested in winning this game? A game he had won long ago.

A battle whose outcome had already been decided, where Levi was the loser. Yet he’d refuse to accept his defeat, stubborn as he’s always been, pretending those eyes hadn’t an effect on him. Eyes carrying light, even when having only known darkness. Truth was, Levi wouldn’t have minded to never get to the surface, for he had his own source of light. A light he’d protect at all cost. He couldn’t keep up his act for long, his attention back at him, met with a sight he couldn’t possibly any longer pretend to ignore. He could still be holding such warmth in his eyes. How unfortunate for Farlan, to be met with absolute coldness. Levi couldn’t be any other way, he couldn’t change the way he carried himself — couldn't soften his edges.

Maybe, he should try a different approach. ❝ What is it? ❞ Shamelessly confronted, despite knowing the answer to his question.

[moved-naitfall]

continuing this answered ask ( blame legacy/beta editor ) / @lovepurposed

Such wonders, creatures like him were. Dreamers never seized to intrigue Levi, strangely having crossed paths with many — was his bitter persona a magnet? Come to think of it, wasn't almost everyone guided by their dreams? Dreams of success, of happiness, of peace, or fulfillment. Everyone had to be drunk on something to keep pushing forward. And when these would begin to fade, when reality would crush their heart, all innocence would rest with their hopes. A dim future would await, of dead and unfulfilled promises, and a single wish: to simply manage to get through.

Francis was different, though. Not surrendering to the cruelty to rule their world, but choosing to live in his own, instead. What were his dreams made of? He hadn't seen many times before such dedication, such desire to feel, and experience everything. A double-edged blade — what would happen of him, a mystery to Levi. So he wished to be there, and observe closely. “ I spotted a certain someone fooling around, and followed his steps. ” The streets were dangerous at a time like this, and the other didn't seem to care the least. “ I'll give you a lift. Unless you prefer to catch a cold. ”

[naitfall]

Hope and despair. Hope and despair battled for Eren’s heart, battled for control, such as all the intense and overwhelming emotions resting within him, overwhelming to those around him but most importantly, himself. Opposites they were—one felt too strongly, the other any longer couldn’t ( or at least that was the comfortable truth he had chosen to believe in ).

A witness Levi was, to his agony, a victim at the mercy of his own unbowed nature, redefining himself every time another tragedy came to change his course of life. A trainee. A monster. A survey corps soldier. Humanity’s hope. Humanity’s greatest enemy. Every time another truth was uncovered, a different role he was forced to embody, but the truth they had reached at Shiganshina, the truth they had sacrificed everything for, was the most destructive of all. Once again, he’d have to deny himself, start over, and rebuild in the ruins of his previous self. For once, the captain and soldier were the same, for Levi was familiar with his anguish. For he also had to deny everything he had once been, to survive.

In despair, Eren would suffocate ever since that day. Never had his heart remained unchanged for this long, despair’s hold on him too tight for him to escape on his own. Levi was there to kick some sense into him, if he had to. Maybe, he shouldn’t intervene — he was known to respect one’s headspace, after all, despite his nasty behavior. Maybe, the boy had simply grown out of the teenager with the burning desire, with the willpower, to change everything in his path. Maybe, he had only matured, grown into the man he was supposed to become. But since when, would he surrender to any force, submit to what life commanded him to become?

A beast that could not be tamed. That pure heart of his, Levi was meant to protect. The task he had decided to take. To watch him, watch over him, until the very end. Levi never had taken his eyes off him. Not since that battle in Shinganshina— long before that, since their eyes first met behind the bars of that cell. Closely watching him, watching him with the same eagerness the younger one watched him. Observant in nature they both were, transparent to one another. Exposed.

What a twisted thing to say. He wouldn’t blame him, though. Their world had suddenly turned to some unknown place none could fully stomach. ❝ Armin’s right. ❞ How odd, to be reading a child’s story. Was there any comfort he sought, in these ridiculously plain stories? ❝ Isn't there a normal book for you to read? Erwin had a bunch of them in his library. You should take one of them. ❞ Books were expensive, after all. A luxury not everyone could afford. Yet another luxury Levi hadn’t, was time. He couldn’t recall the last time he could read a book.

[   STORY   ]     ,     receiver  reads  to  sender. || (Levi at your Eren! sending you all my love, missed ya 💕)

𝐬𝐚𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐝  ,  𝐡𝐢𝐠𝐡  𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞  .

𝐬𝐚𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐝  ,  𝐡𝐢𝐠𝐡  𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞  .     ݁˖ ❀ ⋆｡˚

teal eyes flicker up to catch sight of his captain. if eren weren't always so hyperfocused with everything levi did, he could have missed the whisper soft footsteps of him approaching. but he has been studying levi his entire scout career and noticing the familiar gait is nothing compared to the wealth of knowledge eren has stored when it comes to those he considers more important than even himself.

he allows his book to fall open on his thighs, pulling his attention from the story to the man standing next to him. "captain," he greets, his lips pulling into a smile as he studies levi's features, "i was just reading some childhood fairy tales..." his voice trails off as he glances back down, teal eyes catching the first letter of the paragraph he'd left off on, "'...and so, they set off in their boat down river, heading towards a new far off land, where surely new friends would greet them and feed them...'" eren hums quietly, his eyes going unfocused as present day concerns easily worm their way into the forefront of his mind.

"i doubt marley would greet us or feed us," he lets out a humorless laugh, "unless it was actually feeding us to our eldian brothers..." the silence that lingers easily snaps him out of his wandering thoughts and he blinks a couple of times to expel them. eren inwardly cringes and he slowly turns his attention back to the captain, "sorry," he says with an apologetic smile, "armin says i've become way too serious these days... i'm trying to be better about it."

@naitfall

[naitfall]

@gyofukuki asked:

⏳️(from Historia aHHH~~)

Send ⏳️ for your muse to meet the younger version of my muse

Angels. His mother has spoken of angels before. Creatures of light, who watched over them, creatures she believed would protect them. A mystery was his mother's nature, how she could still cling to hope and innocence, despite having been doomed to darkness. Levi claimed to know the cruel truth, even if he had never spoken of it — there were no angels watching over them, at least not for him and his mother, or else they wouldn't let her slowly rot, mind and body alike. Angels came only when it was far too late, when it was their time to leave so that they could collect the souls of the living.

The door had swung open, light forcing its way in, illuminating the dark room. Instinctively Levi brought his knees closer to his chest, as if to hide away from the intensity of it, like the shadow he had become, as if the last of him would fade away if met with such violent light. A beautiful young woman wearing a white dress stood by the doorway. Had he seen her before? He hadn't, for he wouldn't forget anyone who shone as brilliantly as her, brilliant like the sun — he could only imagine its radiance and yet, she exceeded his imagination. There was no mistaking the reason she had come.

The last time an angel had visited them, Levi was asleep. When he awoke, her skin had grown cold— she wouldn't be feverish anymore. When he called her, she wouldn't respond or flinch in her sleep. His mother had left without getting the chance to say goodbye. The boy hadn't been able to sleep ever since. He wanted to speak, to ask the lady standing before him, why she didn't wake him up when she last came, but he couldn't force himself to speak. His eyes hurt, far too accustomed to the darkness, watching as her frame approached him. Unfocused, clouded was his gaze, and yet he couldn't look anywhere else but her blurry image.

He was soon to reunite with his mother. That’s why she had come, wasn’t it? Because he was close to dying. Maybe, there was mercy after all. His mother shouldn’t suffer anymore. She wouldn’t struggle to breathe, or cry in pain any longer. Maybe, death was the only escape creatures like her could offer. He took a deep shaky breath, as if the first he'd taken in a very long time. He was ready.

[moved--naitfall]

@decidentia asked:

❛   patch .   help  my  muse  patch  up  a  wound . – from Eld!

𝐋𝐎𝐔𝐃  &  𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐅𝐄𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐒𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄

His heartbeat had risen slightly, his eyes narrowed for a second, his composure lost only for a moment, pain not distracting him from taking out his opponent ( an abnormal, who had entered their formation ). When the sun set, and they had the luxury to finally set their feet on the ground, Levi allowed his squad to address the injury he had sustained. A deep cut at the side of his stomach had slowed him down, even if by little. Eld was the first to approach. The most confident when he was around — was it the rest of them were still scared of him, his temper, his reactions? Does it hurt? ❝ What do you think? ❞ Well, no wonder why they were so tense in his presence. 

He could have handled it on his own — too many years spent fighting on the streets, too much blood spilt, many injuries sewn, and only his life to be responsible for. The battlefield changed, the purpose he’d chosen to serve, now responsible for the life of others instead ( ensure their protection, their growth, make sure they wouldn’t sacrifice their lives for a worthless cause ) — but alone again Levi would stand among enemies. His conscious choice was, to keep advancing forward, move fast, so none would catch up to his pace — it was dangerous to stay close. Yet, last time he took a moment to look back, he’d see them, his squad, chasing after him. Maybe, it wouldn't be that bad, to slow down every once in a while — let them treat his injuries (visible or not), so he could treat theirs as well. 

Most soldiers would grow uneasy when witnessing their superior getting hurt, but not them, and if they were, they were good at masking their fear, matching their leader. Most soldiers relied on someone else to make their choices for them, to take responsibility for their lives — quite common when on a battlefield, to lose trust in one's self, to look for who was more skilled and experienced. They were different, arrogant enough to know they could do well on their own, their strength as a team almost equal to his, and ready to give up on everything to keep moving forward.

Silently they sat by the campfire, as Eld worked on cleaning his injury of any dried blood. Levi could have done it on his own, yet instinctively he had given in. He was bleeding too. He was no different, and neither were they. His weak nature, his humanity, the Captain carried with pride, a rare sight a chosen few got to witness, and a lesson he wanted to teach them. Humanity's strongest soldier. His strength, inhuman. A monster. Even a devil, to some. Cruel, for his humanity to be questioned, when it was monsters he fought against, risking his life just like everyone else in the Survey Corps. Invincible? He wasn't. His life would hang by a thread, just like the rest of them. He wouldn't sacrifice any less, or be worth more.

That much was enough, though. ❝ I'll take over from here. ❞ Enough of himself put on display. Before the balance was disturbed, he retreated back to his usual manners. ❝ I can stitch it on my own. You should rest. ❞

[moved-naitfall]

tag drop #1

—◆ visuals | perhaps cherries look violent in the sunlight ( you are all honey & rage ). perhaps you should let the moon be your courier

—◆ thread | the absurd hero’s refusal to hope becomes his singular ability to live in the present with passion

—◆ ic | that means i'm abnormal. . . probably because i've seen far too many abnormal things

—◆ queue | some ancient call that i've answered before

—◆ memes | make a choice you won't regret

—◆ dashboard game | it's the cracks that let the light shine through

—◆ headcanon | i will not bare my soul to their shallow prying eyes. my heart shall never be put under their microscope

—◆ wishlist | even so. here i am. waiting impatiently for the day when i can touch the light

—◆ crack | i was gonna put my password to ‘levi’ but it was too short

—◆ character study | somebody inside of me has always tried ( with all his strength ) to be nobody

—◆ aesthetic | a world illuminated by the sun. a world bathed in light

[naitfall]

Rain. Rain had once again accompanied him in another tragedy— at Erwin’s funeral. Levi had returned to Shinganshina a few days ago, to collect his body, in whatever stage of decomposition that was. Levi preferred to put an end to these matters, bury them, and never look back, except this man was different, his hold on him still tight, even more after he was gone. Some had protested— why should he receive special treatment when hundreds of soldiers had died in the same battle? When so many lives were sacrificed because of him. Many in the Survey Corps who had given their lives never received proper burial. But Levi wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t comply with reason, for he only cared to bring him back home. Maybe, he’d stop seeing him everywhere if his body was properly cared for.

The casket had remained closed, for the look of him was unsightly, skeletonized as he was, his form no longer resembling the soul that once resided inside this body, just an empty rotting vessel. Yet Levi wouldn’t have minded looking at him, for he had seen the same sight before. His mother, when he buried her, must have looked almost the same. In the same nightmares he’d live, over and over again, with no escape, no chance to wake up.

Almost everyone left once the funeral was over. Wouldn’t stay for long, wouldn’t mourn for a man nobody was going to miss. Yet, standing in the rain, Levi had stayed for many hours, until he lost track of time. Fucking bastard. Being more trouble dead than he was alive. And he couldn’t even blame him anymore, for none of it was his fault. Not really. Not since Levi got on his knees, and decided to make the choice— to send him, and everyone in the Survey Corps to die. To carry on his will, and all the weight of his SINS, so he could die in peace, dreaming of his childhood and not the mountain of corpses he’d stand upon. The weight of all his sins had now fallen on his shoulders— and now his head would hang low, in his efforts to remain standing and not be crushed by the weight of it all.

— Where's the Captain? — He hasn't returned from the Commander's funeral. — Is he still outside in this weather? 

It didn’t just rain, it fucking poured. It had become dangerous to stay outside, the rain was falling too heavily and with too much force. Levi didn’t have an umbrella with him. Like a statue, he’d stand. He didn’t know himself what he had been waiting for. Certainly not for a response. Maybe, he had been waiting for the ground to cover him to dry. But the rain wouldn’t stop. The harder the rain fell, the more every nerve in his body burnt with rage— as if he were ten years younger, with still enough life left inside of him, fury as his driving force, still mad at the cruel world they were forced to survive in, awaiting, demanding for some kind of merciful treatment. But he knew damn well there wasn’t any mercy, and the rain wouldn’t stop just because he wished it would.

When he returned to his room, he didn’t expect to find anyone inside. Sorrow, disappointment, anger, all mixed to a combination nobody in their right mind would dare to be the receiver of. Wouldn’t she laugh at this pathetic image of him? Why wouldn’t she— somebody to provoke him was exactly what he needed right at this moment before he lost his mind and started breaking everything inside the room. The last he expected to be met with was understanding. Not enough to ground him, but enough to quiet him for a short while. Even if he claimed he wouldn’t ever treat her in a way she didn’t deserve — a silent agreement of theirs, another promise he hadn’t been able to keep — for a moment he had lost control of himself, lost himself in grieving, like a spoiled brat who didn’t get what he asked for. 

He wanted her to leave, before he made himself fall any lower. This was the version of himself he had denied, driven by his violent instincts alone, without a care of the consequences. This was the version of himself before Erwin, before finding a reason to serve, a reason to deny his pride — only to discover recently, that it was just another man’s dream he followed, not any greater purpose. He wanted her to leave, because he couldn’t look at her. Not since their return, since only nine of them had remained. Her, who disliked any sort of sacrifice, of pointless death, as much as he did, what would she think if he told her he had sent them all to die and failed to kill the beast?

He stood at the door for a short while before storming in. Soaking wet, dripping on the floor, the mud on his boots leaving traces of where he stepped. He'd have to clean afterward, but little he cared right at this moment. He grabbed a towel to dry his hair, and started removing any extra layers of clothes, his coat, his suit jacket, his scarf and his boots, keeping only his shirt and trousers on. ❝ I’m gonna take a shower. ❞ If she wanted to leave, he had given her a chance. There wasn’t a reason for her to be here. She wouldn’t be waiting for him, he was sure of that.

▒ ANSWERED ᴹᴱᴹᴱ! "Go ahead and laugh. Laugh at me." ➳ @naitfall

Laura's gaze wavers at his tone, a silent quiver in her expression, the noise in her throat scarcely audible as lips press into a hard line. An unseen grimance / the slight recoil in her posture as if she'd been the one burnt. IT'S DESERVED. A reputation made of her own doing. It's no surprise to hear those words. To criticise him while he was already down for her tongue held little mercy, would be expected of her, wouldn't it? That she accepts, and still, its a punch to the gut. A moment where she is mad at the very fact, is that what he thought of her, is supressed with clear rational. Of course it is. She had shown nothing less. Any trace of self pity is diminished; pity was not meant for her, nor did she want it. Swallow it all down, for today, she had no qualms in letting her pride be hit.

“ I could ... but I'm not. ” However guarded still she came across, her voice is hushed, for once without the need for it's sharp and abupt tone. She isn't here to make a point. Laura hadn't known what to say to him, she didn't really know what to expect when she came here. Yet always, she found she made a beeline straight to him under most circumstances. Confrontation, demanding, and the rare moments of solace that she can't help but linger on, she has reasons to barge into his life. Lately, they had lost it's original purpose. She knows, because others had taken notice of her immediate absence when it came to Levi. Never did she hide it. There was nothing to hide.

Until moments like this. In truth, his reaction had taken her aback, a rare instance of defeat in his tone. Anger? Sadness? She can't tell. The atmosphere is heavier. One might lose resolve, seeing humanity's stronger solider like this, remind them that he isn't indestructable. Levi was just like any other person. No, not quite. Laura's perception of most people wasn't one filled with fond sentiment. Humanity as a whole had been truly disgusting to her. Even if she desperately wanted to, save her from repeating past mistakes / to believe in false hope, she knows she isn't capable of throwing Levi into the same category.

Human. To the core they were all just human. No heroes, no untouchable forces, everything bled, everything died, and the pain would always drag them under. She runs from it too. Maybe that's why this is easier. Maybe only because it was him.

“ I'm sorry, for what it's worth. About what happened. ” She isn't heartless, however cruel and mindless her words can be. It's not sympathy, there is no pity, rather it's a cruel understanding. There was no other way for her to express any other reason. She wasn't known to be good company, nor did she really ... expect to be. Laura wanted to be here. I just came here to see you. Gaze cast, fingers gripping the table she leaned against. “ I'm not here to berate you. ”

[naitfall]

tag drop #1

[moved--naitfall]

@worldhell asked:

‘regress’ for whoever you feeling on my side ! eye emote

Send ‘regress’ to meet my muse as a child.

from my archived blog. maybe farlan paid a visit in levi's head? maybe it's time travel? levi hallucinating/dreaming about what's about to come? still, I needed to throw my child @ ya

Hollow and weary, ice blue eyes, unfocused due to absolute exhaustion, contradicting their usual sharpness, met with the kind gaze of someone he was supposed to know, someone he was going to meet, and trust with his humanity (the remnants of it, when the world desperately tried to take it away from him, so the man could be shaped to a tool). Unbeknownst to the child not only there were many years left for him to live, too much to lose, but also someone worth living for, patiently waiting for their lives to align.

Levi's figure was small for his age. He was young, not older than ten, but one could easily mistake him for a six-year-old. Much easier to prey on. Soft dark hair was on shoulder-length. His mother, skilled with scissors couldn't cut it for him for a long time, and Levi didn't care enough to do this on his own. He'd wear a white dress that didn't belong to him — to keep her scent close to his body, her warmth, for as long as he could, now that her hands had grown cold, and he wouldn't find comfort in her embrace ever again.

He could barely stand on his feet. He hadn't eaten for days, and slowly but steadily he was losing his ability to think. He preferred it that way, if his heart wouldn't hurt this much. It'd be an easy death. He hadn't anything else to do with his life after all, now that his only source of light was gone. Had she suffered in her last moments? Was she in pain? For long his mother had suffered, for months slowly fading bit by bit, but had she found a tiny bit of peace before leaving? Soon he'd know. It was decided after all. The weak wouldn't survive for long.

He hadn't the strength to speak, and he rarely did. There was nothing worth saying, and people never listened. But the man stood there, watching him with eyes that held a familiar warmth. What could he possibly want from him? ❝ Who are you? ❞

[ar-knightinsourarmor]

@harbringerofdecay liked my bnha levi starter call ( and got a rude asshole thief in return ):

All men are not created equal. This was the cruel truth of their world, one had to settle with, in order to survive. Quirks were the real curse of their society, forcing them to adjust to a new order of things, one humanity wasn't prepared to face. When heroes are needed, that is when civilization has reached its lowest point and Levi confirmed his beliefs every single day. Every day, as he'd fight for his own survival.

His eyes had been following the boy for a while now. Nobody approached him, even if many would glance with worry at him. As long as there were heroes around, it shouldn't be their business. How convenient, to rely on somebody else, right ? Fake was their concern, as fake was the peace they believed in. It was when the child disappeared from the crowd, heading into an abandoned alley, that the man made his presence known.

Kneeling right in front of him, his eyes searched for any visible injuries. “ Oi, brat. ” He couldn't tell what had happened to him, but from the look on his face, he could assume nobody would be looking for him. He could recognize the eyes of someone having lost everything. “ You look like shit. ” Too bad for the kid, having to settle with somebody like him, for the time being. “ Now, why don't you stand up. A bath is what you need the most right now, ” he said, extending his hand towards him.

[naitfall]

Selfish, was human nature. Frail and ephemeral were their lives, and desperately they'd snatch anything they could lay their hands on, anything within their reach in this short chance at living — was it money, power, or the love and affection of another. It was natural, to be guided by one's own feelings alone. 

Levi was human. Most chose to deny that reality (himself included), the truth that the man they had entrusted their hopes and dreams wasn't invincible, someone who could easily die at any moment, someone who had feelings of his own. Levi was selfish, and Eren had seen it, for he had kept his eyes on him for far too long, trying to understand him, as if another of his acts of rebellion. ‘ Eren, look past your own feelings. ’ Since when could he lie so easily? He was no different, weak at heart, easy to place the blame on someone else. ‘ Why did YOU hesitate before handing over the injection? ’ The look of betrayal in his eyes. He had seen right through him. That he could still hope. ‘ I don't see how you could ever have predicted that Floch would bring the dying Commander here. ’ Eren was right. 

He had followed Erwin because he believed him to be different. Never in his life had Levi felt humiliated in the presence of someone. He couldn't understand where those eyes of his stared at. What he could see, what he fought for, how much of himself he had thrown away for a cause Levi once believed to be utterly selfless. He had chosen to join him, on the day he lost everything, because he failed to understand him. And yet, it was towards the end, when the mystery of his existence began to unfold before him. Kenny had given him the answer. He was no devil, he was human too, drunk on something to keep pushing on. A childhood dream, a dream he'd sacrifice everything for, even humanity. 

‘ Give up on your dreams and charge to your death. ’ He had made the choice for him. The selfless choice Erwin couldn't make himself. To save Armin, was Levi’s own selfish choice. He had chosen to save the boy, and let Erwin rest.

Ridiculous, for him to feel indebted, even when it wasn't ( was it? ) his intention to save him. To be met with eyes filled with gratitude, but also guilt — the guilt Levi couldn’t afford to dwell on. He'd wear his insecurities as apparent as ever. Doubting himself at every chance, the opposite of Erwin. Searching for meaning and sense, in a world seemingly lacking both. ❝ Why would I be? ❞ He leaned with his back against the wall, ice-blue eyes locked with his. He wanted him to openly admit those feelings, before they started to eat him away, before that self-consciousness of his became his downfall. Levi didn’t intend to give him the answer he wanted to hear. The answer where he could blame himself, for his choices.

the light in the infirmary is bright and warmthless, reflecting blindingly off the white sheets tucked into the mattress beneath where he sits, hands clutching wrinkles into the fabric.

he had insisted on being examined on return from shinganshina, convinced there was something wrong with him still. you can't get within a hair's width of death and come back fine, as if nothing had even happened. they'd looked him over top to bottom, listened to his heartbeat, made him take deep breaths to listen to his lungs and stick his tongue out to check his throat. n͟o͟t͟h͟i͟n͟g͟.

even so, he can't shake the feeling now that there is still something wrong with him. wrong with his s͟t͟o͟m͟a͟c͟h͟, he thinks. he hasn't eaten much since then, not when a crunch feels like bone and a tear like tendon. even so, hunger is not the name for what he's feeling.

he looks up as the captain appears in the doorway, a sea of emotions washing over him. he tries to pick them out as they pass by, give himself some sense of knowing, some sense of control over himself in all of this. relief, guilt, comfort all float by like buoys, islands he can name amongst the indiscernable waves of everything else that batter him breathless still.

@naitfall says: take some deep breaths. it's over.

as if on cue, he lets go of the air held tightly in his lungs reflexively, as if those simple words have lifted weight from his chest. everyone has either been treating him like a pariah or china, something to stare at and whisper about or something to coddle and tiptoe around. armin is simply relieved that levi manages to treat him like a human being when even he can't manage to give himself that grace ( as if he ever has ). he doesn't deserve it, and from levi least of all.

" i know. thank you, " he answers, feeling his expression try to form something resembling an understanding smile, proof that he's alright. it's probably transparent to the captain, who can cut to people's cores as easily as he can to a nape, and armin doesn't let it linger long enough to give him the chance to call him on it first. " i would understand, you know, " he says, much quieter now as his gaze averts, " if you were upset with me. "