#— post shinganshina | the loneliest moment in one’s life— when they watch their life fall apart and all they can is stare blankly

[naitfall]

❝ Ackermans and anyone with the power of the titans won't be affected. Get away from here!! Get on Falco!! ❞

— I had to watch him wave GOODBYE to me a second time.

THE REUNION. eren was dead. the fight was over. he watches as everyone reunites, all who had turned into titans reverted back to humans. he searches for his figure in the clearing mist. his breath caught in his lungs, released only when he finally sees him rush towards him. he stands for a split second, supporting all his weight on one leg. levi's hands reach for him, grab him tight and force him into his arms. they fall to their knees, their breathing rapid and heavy. they had survived. they wouldn’t have to part ways again. tears he couldn’t once shed escape him, tears of relief of an endless battle to have finally ended, the fear of many years to have ended — the fear of losing him, and the relief he hadn’t lost him. not in this reality.

we held on tightly to each other like mad men, as if it allowed us to confirm that we were both alive, that we were both still living, breathing creatures

it was the first time that i noticed . . . ? [to be continued] // @vonbirden & farlan church

[moved-naitfall]

❝ Don't look at me that way. I've still got one eye and eight fingers left. That's more than enough. ❞

[moved--naitfall]

@gyofukuki asked:

❛ I still intend to make sure you don't fall behind. ❜ from pieck

EPIC: THE MUSICAL — ACT ONE

A forced alliance they had formed, when they appeared helpless, unarmed before them with an offer: to join forces, to kill the beast. By his side, Pieck had taken a seat, once an enemy, now an ally. He'd stare, a single eye full of the grief and loss of a lifetime. On his shoulders, rested the hopes and dreams of everyone who had given their life for a ridiculously hopeless cause. On his shoulders, even if he couldn't any longer stand on two feet without collapsing. Could he, in this pathetic state, give their sacrifices meaning? He wasn't delusional. His only remaining strength— to be void of any hope and dreams. To see clearly (wasn't he blinded by revenge?), when the rest gazed through altered vision, of everything they sought or feared to see. Levi knew he couldn't fight the final battle in this state. He knew he'd slow them down, and had promised to himself to die before they had to risk their lives for him. And even if he couldn't kill the beast on his own, he didn't stay behind on that ship.

Instead, he had begged. ❝ To kill Zeke . . . Please lend me your strength. ❞ Shattered, for once proving he could break. Yet his armor hadn't fallen apart, pieces remained in place, and they kept staring with unchanging eyes of perplexion. Never once had he wondered what his soldiers thought of him, not when he couldn't recognize his own reflection on the mirror.

Hange was dead. Everyone, every single soldier from the day he had joined the Survey Corps, was gone. Among comrades and enemies he had found himself, asking for their assistance. For a cause they couldn't understand, a seemingly selfish cause. Yet a foreign soldier, the enemy, the cart titan who had taken Zeke from his hands, had spoken like a real Survey Corps member. Words he hadn't heard before, words it seemed he had heard for the first time in his life. For a short time, he struggled to understand, as if she had spoken a different dialect. Fall behind? His fight should have been over. He should have stayed behind. How could she understand? Why he fought? There was no reason to pretend, no hidden motive behind caring words. Ridiculous they were, this war having proven how absurd was human nature, how self-destructive for absolute no reason.

She could see him. Eyes held no pity, nor fear or resentment. As if he was the same as her, as all of them, a comrade worth looking at. Never before anyone had to worry he’d fall behind. Always the one to lead crying soldiers straight to hell. Always the one to remain at the end, fighting so their lives wouldn’t be lost in vain. A devil. He had become one as well, hadn’t he? For all their sakes, to support him, carry his sins, to carry the promise he had made to him. She hadn’t served under his command. It wasn’t her responsibility, not her duty — not anyone’s responsibility or duty, yet she had offered herself. What was he to her eyes? An outsider’s eyes? He didn’t understand. Maybe, his perception had given out, along with his stamina since the explosion. Maybe, he didn't have the time or heart to see and observe. Maybe, her understanding was beyond his, for he didn’t know what it was like to be seen, as human.

He gritted his teeth. Hands clenched tight at the fabric of his pants, the desperation of helplessness towards the end suffocating him. He remained silent, didn’t respond — couldn't speak, for anguish had closed his throat. A single eye met hers, the gratitude he couldn't express, and the confirmation, he was going to need her help. When close to one's end (to the end of humanity), it was natural for people to show their real colors, what shades they were truly made of — dark, for most, lighter tones rare to see in a world robbing them of their light. Rare, yet in her he'd see the light having survived. In heartworn eyes, he'd recognise a part of him. What shades could she have seen in him? Was it because he contrasted her, that she remained close ?

[naitfall]

Selfish, was human nature. Frail and ephemeral were their lives, and desperately they'd snatch anything they could lay their hands on, anything within their reach in this short chance at living — was it money, power, or the love and affection of another. It was natural, to be guided by one's own feelings alone. 

Levi was human. Most chose to deny that reality (himself included), the truth that the man they had entrusted their hopes and dreams wasn't invincible, someone who could easily die at any moment, someone who had feelings of his own. Levi was selfish, and Eren had seen it, for he had kept his eyes on him for far too long, trying to understand him, as if another of his acts of rebellion. ‘ Eren, look past your own feelings. ’ Since when could he lie so easily? He was no different, weak at heart, easy to place the blame on someone else. ‘ Why did YOU hesitate before handing over the injection? ’ The look of betrayal in his eyes. He had seen right through him. That he could still hope. ‘ I don't see how you could ever have predicted that Floch would bring the dying Commander here. ’ Eren was right. 

He had followed Erwin because he believed him to be different. Never in his life had Levi felt humiliated in the presence of someone. He couldn't understand where those eyes of his stared at. What he could see, what he fought for, how much of himself he had thrown away for a cause Levi once believed to be utterly selfless. He had chosen to join him, on the day he lost everything, because he failed to understand him. And yet, it was towards the end, when the mystery of his existence began to unfold before him. Kenny had given him the answer. He was no devil, he was human too, drunk on something to keep pushing on. A childhood dream, a dream he'd sacrifice everything for, even humanity. 

‘ Give up on your dreams and charge to your death. ’ He had made the choice for him. The selfless choice Erwin couldn't make himself. To save Armin, was Levi’s own selfish choice. He had chosen to save the boy, and let Erwin rest.

Ridiculous, for him to feel indebted, even when it wasn't ( was it? ) his intention to save him. To be met with eyes filled with gratitude, but also guilt — the guilt Levi couldn’t afford to dwell on. He'd wear his insecurities as apparent as ever. Doubting himself at every chance, the opposite of Erwin. Searching for meaning and sense, in a world seemingly lacking both. ❝ Why would I be? ❞ He leaned with his back against the wall, ice-blue eyes locked with his. He wanted him to openly admit those feelings, before they started to eat him away, before that self-consciousness of his became his downfall. Levi didn’t intend to give him the answer he wanted to hear. The answer where he could blame himself, for his choices.

the light in the infirmary is bright and warmthless, reflecting blindingly off the white sheets tucked into the mattress beneath where he sits, hands clutching wrinkles into the fabric.

he had insisted on being examined on return from shinganshina, convinced there was something wrong with him still. you can't get within a hair's width of death and come back fine, as if nothing had even happened. they'd looked him over top to bottom, listened to his heartbeat, made him take deep breaths to listen to his lungs and stick his tongue out to check his throat. n͟o͟t͟h͟i͟n͟g͟.

even so, he can't shake the feeling now that there is still something wrong with him. wrong with his s͟t͟o͟m͟a͟c͟h͟, he thinks. he hasn't eaten much since then, not when a crunch feels like bone and a tear like tendon. even so, hunger is not the name for what he's feeling.

he looks up as the captain appears in the doorway, a sea of emotions washing over him. he tries to pick them out as they pass by, give himself some sense of knowing, some sense of control over himself in all of this. relief, guilt, comfort all float by like buoys, islands he can name amongst the indiscernable waves of everything else that batter him breathless still.

@naitfall says: take some deep breaths. it's over.

as if on cue, he lets go of the air held tightly in his lungs reflexively, as if those simple words have lifted weight from his chest. everyone has either been treating him like a pariah or china, something to stare at and whisper about or something to coddle and tiptoe around. armin is simply relieved that levi manages to treat him like a human being when even he can't manage to give himself that grace ( as if he ever has ). he doesn't deserve it, and from levi least of all.

" i know. thank you, " he answers, feeling his expression try to form something resembling an understanding smile, proof that he's alright. it's probably transparent to the captain, who can cut to people's cores as easily as he can to a nape, and armin doesn't let it linger long enough to give him the chance to call him on it first. " i would understand, you know, " he says, much quieter now as his gaze averts, " if you were upset with me. "

[naitfall]

tag drop #2

[moved-naitfall]

— injury/disabilities ( future verse )

This headcanon applies to (sub) verses post Levi's main timeline, around his mid/late thirties.

cw: snk manga spoilers

Because of the thunder-spear explosion in the canon timeline, or a possible motorcycle crush in a modern setting, Levi suffers heavy damage, such as losing his right eye, losing two fingers of his right hand ( his index and his middle ), lower stamina, and mobility issues.

Since there’s little canon information for the last, in my portrayal, Levi uses both a wheelchair and a cane. Levi not only suffers neurological damage ( detailed medical info tba ), but his left leg was nearly crushed. While he can still stand and walk, he’s in incredible pain and his legs will often go numb, resulting in him being unstable. For that reason, he uses a cane for shorter distances ( moving around his house ) and a wheelchair for longer distances.

[moved--naitfall]

@worldhell asked:

SPOTIFY WRAPPED - number 13 for zeke c:<

In honor of SPOTIFY WRAPPED,  send me a number 1-100 and I’ll write you a starter based on the song.

❝ Don't be like that. ❞ Far too long they had spent, trying their hardest not to kill one another. Levi's hatred run deep, running back to a vow made that remained unfulfilled — to his lack of any human resemblance, a true monster matching its name. He could claim to be on their side, pretend to care for one of his subordinates, his so-called brother, but the Captain hadn't seen more empty eyes in his entire life. Not even where he came from, where darkness would haunt them all — not even in his own reflection, when he used to be a man who'd benefit from taking the lives of others.

If this was meant for me, why does it hurt so much? Their fates had been sealed together on that day — Zeke's death, with Levi's freedom. Prisoner to his resentment he'd be, the wings he once bore on his back withering away the longer he waited to pay their sacrifices meaning, the deeper the poison of hopelessness would sink in. Didn't he have another choice, back when he sent them all, sent him, to their death? His arrogance had decided the outcome, arrogance he falsely believed he had grown out of — he'd kill the beast no matter what, he had promised, yet the bastard was now before him, and he couldn't take out his blade.

Instead, he'd watch, guilt having wrapped a tight leash around his neck, little by little suffocating him. He wouldn't regret his choice, freeing him from this hell on that day, but even he could bend — powerlessness was familiar to him, haunting his entire life (quite ironic, for the man called humanity's strongest). And now, he'd sit before the enemy, without the power to take his life, what he desired the most.

❝ Can you get even more disgusting? ❞

[naitfall]

Monster. A monster he was called his entire life. His soldiers, those he’d sacrifice his life for, would openly question his humanity. Some would doubt the existence of his human heart, malicious and bitter at the loss of the comrades they couldn’t save, searching for a culprit that’d passively take the blame. Others were delusional, claiming he wasn't mortal, wouldn’t die in battle, his life not endangered like theirs, for desperately wanting to believe in his strength, in his ability to survive when all hope was lost, so he could carry their dying wishes to the end. A monster he had been, to those in the underground as well. This boy is a monster. Stay away from him. This man isn’t human. Whether he used his blade to slice one’s throat, or a titan’s neck, whether he fought in the name of humanity, or to protect his family, to kill and protect, were one and the same — his talent, a curse, his extraordinary ability to KILL. To always be looked at with eyes that spoke of both awe and terror.

Levi didn't often speak, he listened, listened to the loud conversations of those he was interested in, whether they spoke of a bunch of bullshit or deep matters beyond his comprehension. Ever since returning from Shinganshina, ever since the sacrifice of their commander and the majority of the survey corps, nothing had remained the same, the once comforting short breaks of silence, having turned to long never-ending disturbing periods of time. Even Hange, the loudest of them all, had grown quiet. Levi disliked pointless talk and never actively sought to start a conversation. Yet, Oda’s presence offered the peace of mind to listen to himself clearly, and say what’s been on his mind— a rare occasion of vulnerability (vulnerability in Levi’s understanding). He didn’t value most opinions. Anyone had one of their own, and all of them held part of the truth with it. But he wanted to hear Oda’s thoughts.

In his eyes, or the eyes of others? ❝ Beats me. No perception is anywhere close to reality. ❞ There was another question he should have asked instead: What to call a man who was ready to sacrifice their humanity for the cause that’d give their life meaning and purpose?

A monster they called Erwin, yet Levi had never seen him as one. No monster, nor human. A deceiving creature, his nature wrapped in mystery. He had followed him, because he couldn’t understand him, couldn’t slice through flesh, see what rested inside of him. How had he, even if unwillingly, looked down on him, humiliated him, when Levi screamed and cried for the loss of everything that had ever mattered to him. Where those eyes of his stare at? How could he keep on fighting when everything was lost? Unbeknownst to Levi when he decided to join him, how utterly human he had been, chasing his own childish dream. ‘When he finds nothing really worth protecting anymore, succumbing to the ugliness of it all.’ Maybe, what made a man a monster, was to live devoid of any hope and dreams. Maybe, Kenny was right all along. They all needed to be drunk on something, to call themselves human. Maybe Erwin would have truly become a monster if he had let him live, and reached that dream of his.

He wouldn’t regret his choice. Not ever.

Satisfied with the answer, he took a sip of his tea, finally meeting with Oda’s eyes, less troubled than he was a moment ago. ❝ I don’t think you do. I sure as hell don’t. ❞ Because Oda wouldn't be intimidated by the darkness of the human soul, familiar to it as much as he was, and yearning to explore its depths.

@naitfall asked:

❛ When does a man become a monster? ❜ ( . . . for Oda? 👉👈 I had to )

"In his eyes, or the eyes of others?" He questions, looking down his glass as if it was a barrel of a gun - no fear, but a whole sea of regrets. He has a sense where the question is coming from, but hesitates to make sure. Not that he's that scared of Levi or worried for him. It was more of a self-centred concern. Once the topic is breached, they'll never be able to pretend it wasn't. Oda least of the both of them; once he got the wheels turning there was no stopping until he reached the conclusion that felt right, a way to proceed. Tempting as it was to put that off for a day or two more, sit in the stillness of it all for a while, it was already too late.

The question was asked, and demanded an answer.

„Maybe when he no longer grieves having to make a distinction between those who he will protect with his life, and those who he won't. The distinction between those who he'll fight to protect, and those who'll die for it. Or, you know what, maybe later still? When he finds nothing really worth protecting anymore, succumbing to the ugliness of it all. Unable to see and feel anything but the darkness of his own doing.” He took a big gulp of tea to prevent his throat closing down on him. And though his expression became wholly pain-stricken, he still forced a little smile by the end. „What makes you think I would know?”

.

[draftsinsourarmor]

— bnha || go beyond! plus ultra!

— todoroki shoto || in the midst of darkness — i found there was (within me) an invincible light

— ic | look properly at who you want to become!

— crack | ‘ladykiller’s’ aka ‘handcrusher’s’ time: if i smile they’ll die?

— crack || is there anything lonelier than laughing a matter away?

— visuals || a work of art is a confession

— queue || some ancient call that i've answered before

— memes || make the choice you won't regret.

— erwin & levi | and in the end we were just humans. . . drunk on the idea that our efforts could heal our brokenness.

— crack | i was gonna put my password to ‘levi’ but it was too short.

— visuals | perhaps cherries look violent in the sunlight. ( you are all honey and rage ). perhaps you should let the moon be your courier

— headcanon | i will not bare my soul to their shallow prying eyes. my heart shall never be put under their microscope.

— post shinganshina | the loneliest moment in one’s life— when they are watching their life fall apart and all they can is stare blankly

— erwin smith | i knew that i came to face someone whose personality was so fascinating that if i allowed it would absorb my whole nature.

[moved-naitfall]

tag drop #3

verses

—◆ post shinganshina | the loneliest moment in one’s life— when they're watching their life fall apart and all they can is stare blankly

—◆ child | take heed my son. the dark comes for everyone

[moved--naitfall]

@massensterben : continued thread

To humiliate a soul— there wasn't anything more inhuman than that. To break one’s body and soul, shatter to pieces that wouldn’t ever find their proper place. He couldn’t be put back the way he was, could never return to who he used to be. Levi was familiar with such agony. Standing at the edge of a cliff, with one single choice: to survive at the cost of everything he’s been, to take one step forward and FALL.

His first expedition beyond the walls, a series of choices, losing the last of his family— if only he hadn’t come across this devil. Erwin. His pride was to blame. And yet, that man he wished to kill claimed it wasn’t. Never in his life, had Levi felt as if he belonged with the dirt. On his knees, wanting to scream for the loss of the last two people who gave meaning to his dreams, humiliated, while before him stood a man who couldn’t afford to be as selfish as he was. If it weren’t for this devil, Levi wouldn’t have dedicated himself to humanity. He wouldn’t have denied who he was, for the sake of understanding him, of becoming a tool for his purpose. People didn’t break from torture alone — the loss of hope and dreams, a noose he had tightened around his neck on that day, a leash he had given to his hands to hold. Levi had made the choice to sell his soul. And Bertholdt had made his own.

They had become devils, the monsters the world feared they were. When does a reason become the blame? He’s not asking the boy before him. Maybe he was, hell if he knew, he had spoken before he understood the real meaning behind his own words, his blood boiling at the sight of the state he had found him in, sick at the sight of what happened of him, the ugliness of his own people to justify such cruelty. He was told to stay away. Was it because they feared if he were to approach him, he'd kill him? He wouldn't hold back, break him to the point there wouldn't be any use of him? No. The reason Hange had given him such an order was because they knew he wouldn't stand the sight of him. Levi had dedicated himself to humanity, yet there was nothing human in this madness. They had gone astray, and he didn’t know if there was a way to go back.

They were children. There was no justifying the torture he had gone through, because the truth was — and Levi wasn’t blinded by resentment nor fear to fail to see clearly — when they breached Wall Maria, they were young children, who weren’t prepared to carry the weight of their sins, the loss of countless lives. He still was a child, someone doomed to lose his life young. He wouldn’t look down on him, even if still an enemy he’d kill the moment he seemed to become a threat. Levi had killed, when he was much younger than him, for reasons less justified, revenge against a world that had taken everything from him, a world he wanted to spit on. He never regretted the lives he took while fighting for his life in the underground. He never regretted the lives he sacrificed, for the Survey Corps to advance one tiny step forward. Or so he wanted to believe. Yet the boy before him was drowning in regret long before he was stripped of his freedom.

He didn’t claim to forgive the Colossal Titan. If in his place was Zeke, if he was the one treated like an animal, it would have been different, for he had seen with his own eyes the lack of humanity in him, the animal he truly was. But he truly believed Bertholdt deserved a more merciful end. Absurd, ridiculous, insane, to consider killing an act of mercy. They had all lost their minds in this war. They were all desperate. Trapped in the same cell they had locked him in, terrified of what their fate was, broken beyond repair. They were the same as him, prisoners, cornered prey, desperate to see the light of one more day, for their suffering to end. They were the same as him, else they wouldn’t have treated him with such barbarity.

He dropped to one knee, lowering to meet his gaze. He couldn’t say anything. Couldn't promise him freedom. Couldn't promise him his suffering would soon end. Because, even if the torture did end, he'd never return at being the same. If only he could look into his eyes, not in fear, but as if staring inside a mirror, for he knew the horrors he held inside him. ❝ Is there still a home you want to return to? ❞ If there was, there was still saving him, even a small part of him. For Levi there wasn't. ❝ Don’t look at me like that. There’s no right answer. Just spit it out. ❞

You start to get really fucking grateful around here. It starts with clean water, with gristle and kitchen scraps. You thank them on your knees for a chance to chew. Then sleep. The first time he got to sleep through the night, he woke and wept with gratitude. Voices, light, the sky. Things like that are luxuries he no longer has any right to. They are granted in exchange for his cooperation, for his willingness to crawl. And god, he is willing. They have made him willing.

Bertholdt is told he has been in Paradisian custody for ten months. Emaciated and haggard, he bears the signs of his redemption on his body. There are scars on his skin, for the first time. There are holes in his mind that have been punched in by Commander Hange. Ten months of suffering is nothing, of course, compared to the pain he brought to these people. Ten months of rot and screaming, what does that amount to? No, if Bertholdt wants to live at all, then he must offer more. —He has offered. After months in darkness, starved and beaten and pissed on, Bertholdt finally began to talk. And he didn’t stop talking, did he? He quickly learned that the more he said, the more time Commander Hange would spend with him, which meant that the guards could not have free rein over their own brand of vengeance.

Perhaps he should have preferred to die a patriot’s death. But he was only sixteen years old.

But Bertholdt talked. Bertholdt talked himself out of the confines, out of the torture cell, out of the naked frightened animal state. He talked himself out of the dungeons. He begged and promised and wept for everything that was ever demanded of him. He talked himself in front of Captain Levi.

@naitfall says: ❛ When does a reason become the blame? ❜

The question slips into his ear like poison. It is cold and impersonal. It burns him through like acid, some chemical compound. He’s been asked the question before, though differently. How did you justify, how did you justify, how did you justify? He didn’t. He couldn’t.

“We just wanted to get back home. We had to… We didn’t know. I swear we didn’t know.” His voice is some hacked off limb, crawling out of his mouth. He chokes on it. Bertholdt’s eyes are nailed to the captain’s boots. He’s waiting for one to come sailing into his face. He can already taste the blood, the skull-shattering pain. He sees his teeth scattering.

“We were told to retrieve the Founder, by any means necessary. It was never meant to be like this.”

[moved--naitfall]

Another restless night, images of gore — some products of his imagination, others memories of the past — had forced him to awake. Levi, guided by an unexplainable instinct, like an animal following an interesting scent, found himself tracking her steps, until his boots would sink in the damp soil, and the strikes of her axe would become deafening, the only sound in the usually peaceful, refreshing quietness of the forest. Axes weren't his personal favorite to use. His weapon of choice would always be blades. Light and easy to handle, the best choice for a clean cut — an entirely different use than hers, though. 

Surprisingly, Levi wouldn’t call himself a man close to nature, even if those ridiculously gigantic trees had saved his life countless times. He had come across hunters and villagers before, like Sasha. A different breed, carrying a different kind of freedom, as if granted by the land they stepped on, the only ruler they believed in, for their survival depended on it. Levi’s survival depended on his ability to kill (titans and humans alike) and the sacrifice of others, on blood shed. A thief from the underground, to a soldier of the Survey Corps. How could he claim to understand them?

He didn’t respond to her. She was making fun of him, even if unwillingly, in a way most didn't dare to speak to him. And yet, he didn’t feel offended, for he knew when to grasp disrespect and he didn’t sense any of it in her light-hearted tone. He appreciated her honesty, exposed before him, at ease. Most people kept their guard in his presence. To be around someone who didn’t fear or felt intimidated by him, was a chance he would take advantage of, while watching the sun rise once again. It was the beginning of one more day, one more day they had survived against all odds.

He had been observing her, observing them — those who had chosen to give a battle that wasn’t theirs — same way he observed anything he wished to understand. Her every move, her habits, the bonds she formed, her personality. His strength, to take in his surroundings. The strength of a man raised in ISOLATION, in the isolation of a stifling dark room in his childhood years, and the isolation of the underground in his teen years. His sharp eye had saved his life countless times. 

The underground, a hole in the dirt, where the sun wouldn’t reach and they all shared the same fate, doomed to darkness. In a never-changing environment, where day and night were the same, where the seasons wouldn’t change. Absolute isolation, being treated as if lacking in humanity, often resulted in dullness of mind, yet the people there weren’t like that, for they had their lives to fight for, fight against one another. Maybe, most wouldn’t still be alive if that desire to devour one another didn’t give them a reason to breathe — even if it was that filthy, suffocating air. Levi certainly wouldn’t be where he was, watching the sky change colors. 

Their world had grown larger, to lengths they couldn't even imagine. Even though he was quick to adopt, even Levi was overwhelmed by the amount of information they were forced to catch up on, since reaching that basement. Most failed to grasp the nature of those visitors. He was no different, but he hadn’t taken his eyes off them either, given up in defeat. Maybe because he knew the dangers, what would happen to someone, if they didn’t keep their eyes open. Some feared the volunteers but most were at rest in their presence, and maybe it was better this way, to reserve their peace of mind in a world going insane. He was different. He wasn’t normal after all — to think the sun wouldn't rise for one more day, to think he wouldn't be there to see it. 

❝ You're being too damn loud. ❞ As if he'd be the one to start a proper conversation.

" nothing good can come from this . " || (at Hilda, for starters! or someone else, if you wanna!)

THE STANLEY PARABLE SENTENCE STARTERS .

In the mellow gleam of daybreak, Solveig stood at the edge of a forest, brandishing her battleaxe with precise and deliberate strokes. Each strike against the sturdy trunks was a synergy of vigor and decisiveness, and her dexterity was evident in every calculated arc. Although she was a maverick by temperament, she was not gregarious — she simply favored the quiet companionship of the trees and the rhythm of her own breathing. Exercising in the wild provided her with the clean breeze she craved. Solveig felt her lungs inflate, and her heart pounded all the harder. In those moments when she pushed herself to her limits, Solveig was present and correct in a way that became crucial to her. The forest resounded with the strikes of her axe as it cleaved a path through wood and thought. Solveig's mind, a source of strategic insight, often mimicked the keen intellect of her idolized brother. Yet, her heart remained tied to her sister Hilda, who consistently encouraged her and believed in her abilities regardless of the obstacles they confronted. Solveig's practicality and directness made her a pillar of support for everyone who knew her, even if she kept most people at a distance.

She could tell that Captain Levi, an imposing and strong personage, was monitoring her from a respectful distance. His presence was as domineering as the dawn breaking over the horizon. As he stepped forward, his boots whispered on the forest floor, interrupting the rhythm of Solveig's work. His voice, usually as cutting as his blade, quieted as he spoke. “Nothing good can come of this,” Solveig heard him say, his words lingering in the air like a shade. The reprimand was clear, but Solveig's resolve remained unshaken. Solveig halted, the handle of the axe firmly in her hand, and turned to face him. Her clear and resolute eyes met his with calm certainty. "I don't quite grasp your concern, Captain. The trees won't uproot themselves and seek their revenge on me." Solveig remarked flat in jest, her manner of speaking witty, but not lacking in decorum. She found herself speculative as to why the Captain had chosen to seek her whereabouts, since she hadn't sent word to anyone of her location - admittedly, it wasn't far from the heart of the city.

The forest seemed to hold its breath, the tension palpable in the air. Levi’s word of advice sprang from a place unknown involvement, and Solveig surely desired to cognize why he arrived to detect her.

The blonde woman strode with ponderous steps over to the tree trunk where a second massive cast axe was embedded firmly beneath the brown bark, braced her foot against it and drew the polished steel out with a tug, seemingly with consummate ease. Her hand's back swept away the pearlescent sweat on her forehead, making it generally seem as if she had put hours into her practice already.

“What can I do for you, Captain Levi?” Solveig asked in an egalitarian voice as she headed back to her throwing spot and targeted another toss with the axe, intended towards the tree trunk. @naitfall

[moved--naitfall]

Zeke wouldn't escape his sight. Ice-cold eyes were always following him, looking daggers at the man incessantly testing his tolerance. ❝ Who are you talking to? ❞ Was he actually speaking to himself? Levi had seen plenty of men lose their minds mid-battle, break under the pressure of giving their lives for a hopeless cause, but n e v e r out of boredom. ❝ Oi, have you completely lost your mind? ❞ Another one of his senseless acts, his sense of humor one he didn't trouble to explain (and shouldn't for all their sakes). ❝ Cut this shit out. ❞ None gave a damn about who was trimming his hair. Or so he thought. Were his soldiers staring, waiting for an answer?

❝ Yes, exactly -- this is what I've been saying. It's just not possible. So who is the one trimming Levi's hair? I have a few thoughts of my own- ❞ The scouts aren't listening, he's just interjected on a topic of similar nature. Bottle in hand, he clears his throat. He's had ample time to think about it, there wasn't anything else to do. Levi was the one staring him down all day. Try as he might, it was hard to get his face out of his head, which was extremely unfortunate.

[moved--naitfall]

The surprise they'd wear, was the answer he'd been searching for to a question troubling him for long. Just what kind of person had Levi been around Hange? The heartless devil, the reliable captain, the lunatic, the close friend? Mistakenly he used to believe they shared a closeness of a different kind, when in reality, for long he had been keeping them at distance. For long he had been chasing Erwin's back, never looking back, never stopping to check if they could keep up.

The absolute trust he had in them was to blame, trust in their strength. Their head over clouds, madness as their defense, they'd throw themself with passion into hell, their eyes holding a fire he never thought would burn out. Too much of themselves they both had to give up on, in the battle of Shinganshina. It was after letting Erwin go, after fighting was over, when Levi took a moment to look back, search for them (maybe for the first time in a long time) in the blood-soaked battlefield, to find flames flickering, threatening to completely die out.

He was the one responsible, his choice, for forcing them to land heavy on their feet, the lives of everyone in the Survey Corps now weighing their shoulders. And while they'd drag their feet, he'd walk by their side, slow down to their pace, finally, as he should have from the very beginning. ❝ I'm not pulling any strings, ❞ he responded, head bowed, staring down. Sour was the expression he'd wear, at the realization such a simple statement had caused such a reaction. ❝ Don't give me that look. ❞ Annoyed, but he wasn't backing off. ❝ You can't fool me. ❞

@naitfall asked : ❛  believe it or not, i do enjoy spending time with you.  ❜

deep  down  ,  hange  doesn't  know  what  to  say  to  his  words  .  or  was  it  an  admission  ?  either  way  ,  hange  was  speechless  .  nothing  but  a  chuckle  out  of  nervousness  leaves  their  lips  ,  eye  looking  at  him  –  swallowing  that  dry  lump  in  their  throat  ,  wondering  what  to  say  .  yet  it  takes  them  a  real  moment  to  process  things  ,  it  really  does  .  for  a  second  ,  hange's  stuttering  over  words  ,  chewing  down  on  their  lower  lip  ,  glancing  at  levi  for  a  moment  –  contemplating  on  what  to  say  ,  that  didn't  already  sound  like  they  were  embarrassed  or  something  .  they  weren't  ,  but  god  ,  the  way  levi  looks  at  them  ,  they're  hesitant  ,  truly  wondering  what  to  say  that  didn't  sound  .  .  bad  or  anything  .  "  you  do  ?  "  they're  asking  ,  widened  eye  &  all  ,  another  hesitant  sound  coming  from  their  mouth  ,  truly  studying  the  other  before  saying  anything  more  .  "  levi  .  .  don't  pull  on  my  strings  ,  "  they're  musing  ,  a  small  laugh  leaving  their  lips  ,  humming  light  . 

[moved-naitfall]

Silent, observing, satisfied. There was no need for words, and especially not gratitude. Watching their reaction, the spark he'd see even more rarely these days return, was enough of a reward. No human being did anything selflessly, after all. It was to his benefit, for Hange to enjoy this special day. For them to take a break, be reminded of long lost days when responsibility didn't weigh on their shoulders and made them bend. An even more dim future awaited them, of dead ends and lost hopes. Celebrating was a matter of preservation. Store strength, for what was about to come.

The captain didn't want to be seen, not for who he could have been, and rarely chose to show. Levi wouldn't want to be mistaken for someone kind, for someone who still had his heart. It was his conscious choice, not to be that person ( resisting it with all his strength, and failing ). Soldiers didn't need a parent, a friend, or someone to keep their nightmares away at night. Soldiers needed a figure to rely on. Someone to bring them back to their senses, when everything stopped making sense. He'd be that person, who they truly needed him to be ( not who they wished he was ). And if he had to play the role of the misfit, of the cold-hearted bastard with no genuine emotions, he would. His love language, skillfully hidden in discreet gestures, difficult to read for what they were truly meant for. In this case, make their eyes light up again.

He returned with their meal at hand, serving the two of them before sitting down. ❝ Grab a bite. It ain't worth shit if it gets cold. ❞

❝ You're late. ❞ He should have expected it, predicted their behavior before preparing dinner. The part of him who wished them to find a set table with all their favorite flavors in it, had taken over the practical side of him that was certain the food would get cold as he'd wait. ❝ And yes, that's yours, ❞ he gestured towards the wrapped box, before returning to the kitchen to warm up their dinner, while wearing his usual disinterest towards anything he found important. Inside the package was a new suit, handmade by Levi's trusted tailor. Lines and colors were picked to match Hange's tastes, but also make them look their best. The formal outfit to add to their closet. ft. @naitfall + hange.

frame stepped inside of the cottage , hange lets out a small huff -- eyes rolling as they're listening to his words , almost wanting to say something in retort , but hold themselves back from saying anything too . . what's the word ? demeaning . & they'd hate to ruin his good mood , it seems . eye glancing at the prepared table , instantly feeling bad as they're aiming on apologizing for their late arrival , hange lets out a small sigh . " not that late , " they're letting out , chewing down on their lower lip , studying the other before saying something else , head tilting . wondering what to fully say , although , letting out miniscule words wouldn't seem so nice , according to them . " . . you didn't have to get me anything , levi . " they're sighing softly , hands hovering over the gifted box before deciding to open it . he's too sweet , kindhearted , even if he doesn't think he is . yet , curious tones come out from their eyes , soon tearing the ribbon , then the top part of the box . eyes widening to the clothing that's been folded into the package , their heart beating against their chest . they're silent , hands taking the fabrics out of the box -- hovering against their body , fit to their size .

[moved--naitfall]

How the sky looked like, the infinity of it and its beauty, had always been a dream he didn't believe would ever come true — getting to witness such magnificent sights. And yet, Levi showed no interest in the starry sky above their heads. For someone who had been fighting for his entire life, he didn't find comfort in the quietness this place offered, a break from the nightmare they had found themselves in. A shadow of himself he ended up being, his dedication on living having vanished. Fire still burned on his eyes, but there was very little of him that hadn't been burnt out yet.

One word dominated his mind only, having robbed his life of any other meaning: revenge. To fulfill the vow he made to Erwin. His last order, a promise that sent hundreds of soldiers to their deaths. It had been his choice, the weight of it too much to bear — he had reached his breaking point, cracks having made their appearance. How much longer, would he have to wait to kill him? Could it be, Erwin had cursed him that day? As if his heart had stopped beating, as if the world had lost its colors. His vision clouded, a fog to make their world an even darker place to live in. He couldn't any longer see the light. Blind he'd wander, waiting for when he'd kill him — for when he'd set them free. Set himself free.

Head hung low, sitting cross-legged, out of strength, weak and vulnerable before the enemy. He couldn't stand, and he couldn't cast his eyes on him. Not yet, not until he heard his voice first, not until he recognized a part of the boy he had once believed to be humanity's hope. Whose eyes weren't the same empty as the last time he had seen him back on that airship. Still human, not the monster they described him to be from the start.

He was the one in charge to end his life if he ever lost control. Maybe he should have, the moment his eyes lost light, many years before he left Paradis. Yet he couldn't, not really. Not only because of the sorry state he was in, but because part of him, his gut instinct, didn't believe it was all Eren's fault. He was responsible for his life, and for how he chose to lead it. The blood Eren had spilled, was on his hands as well. Maybe he truly had been an untamable beast from the start. Maybe Levi had made the wrong choice, saving his life many years ago. Yet he didn't regret offering himself on the court on that day. He didn't regret the years they spent together under the same roof. The outcome had always been unknown, and all he could was trust his judgement at a certain time.

Otherwise he'd go insane. Same way the one before him had.

One more time. He planned this to be the last time they saw each other. That could be true, but the Captain refused to believe that. For he was supposed to have died as well, yet he sat before him, still fighting to fulfill his duty, still fighting to give all their sacrifices meaning. Even in this useless body, when all hope was lost. ❝ We must be inside my head. Right? ❞ Being an Ackerman, meant there should be limits to the control Eren had over him. Not that he gave a damn. Levi had long come to terms with freedom only being an illusion. They all had shackles to bind them, after all. Shackles they couldn't break. ❝ That's fucked up. ❞

Why care speak to him, of all people? Why care about what he thought? They hadn't had a proper conversation in a long time, having found themselves on opposite sides, Eren having chosen with Zeke ( or wasn't that the case? ) and Levi having now joined forces with Marley, doing everything within his power to get closer to killing the bastard who took everything from him. ❝ Is all of this your choice? ❞ The choice he regretted the least? Was causing such chaos and destruction truly his wish? Was it advancing forward, disregarding the feelings of everyone who ever cared for him ( not him, his friends', those who truly mattered to Eren )?

❝ I hate sand. ❞ It'd get all over his clothes, and it was difficult to clean after. But that wasn't the real meaning behind his words. Anger, frustration, heartache all masked as his obsession for cleanliness, his voice holding an unfamiliar vulnerability, an attempt to hide his true feelings, even towards the end — frustration for the weakened state he was in when they needed him the most, anger for everything they've lost and how much of themselves they had to give up, and heartache for being betrayed from someone he had once believed to carry light, for having lost him.

planned starter | @naitfall

If he did this, Levi would remember. There was no erasing his memories; no asking him to forget. There would be no asking again and again when this was over. Eren had no plans to make it out of this. At the same time, didn't that give him every reason to do this? Once he was gone, it didn't matter what others would say about him. He wouldn't be there to hear it.

Considering that, of course, he had to be more mindful of what he said here. He could say anything to anyone else and they would forget. That made it easier to say anything he had on his mind or to explain anything he felt. Levi was a trickier one, and it wasn't just the fact that he wouldn't forget. That... was good though. Familiar.

Actually, he didn't really know what Levi had been thinking for almost all of this since after meeting back up in Marley. He'd heard a few stray thoughts about others before bringing each person into the Paths, even if only by word of mouth had it not been by the person themselves, but he didn't know what someone so close to him thought about... any of this. Of course he disagreed, or he wouldn't be fighting against Eren... but most people seemed to have strong opinions. So far, he was surprised to count Jean among one of the very few who had wavered.

So he did it. He brought Levi here. At first it was overwhelming - wanting to say so much, be happy, be upset, be confused, be relieved all at once. Most of Levi's face was covered in bandages, and he didn't look anywhere near as alive as Eren remembered from years back. He was here though.

In and of itself, it wasn't a poor idea to bring him here. The problem lied in Eren's conviction. When he had to stand on opposite sides to Levi, could he pull through with that? When they had always stood on the same side? When Eren had always stood behind or beside him? When this had been, in essence, his protector during his lowest moments?

Of course he could. Jean had almost gotten him to waver too. He didn't want this. Parts of his emotions wanted this, but how much of that was influenced by Ymir? How much of him was still him? How much was even left of Eren Yeager? If the past, present and future were all the same, all set in stone all this time, was he ever Eren Yeager? Was he always a pawn of another person's will from long before his time?

Perhaps Levi should have killed him a long time ago. But then, would the will that dragged Eren all this way have allowed that? Figured out some way to avoid it from happening? Was Levi just another pawn, meant to protect a detonator all this time?

But still... Eren was at least left with his own real feelings. Crueler as that made this, pulled along by these whims while he could still think and feel, he was grateful. In the end he could say he had something real before all this. Levi was part of that.

He sighed lightly. He couldn't keep his silence forever. "Hey..." Admittedly, he was struggling to find words despite having plenty to say. On someone who would forget this conversation until he was gone, it would have been easier. On someone who wasn't Levi, this would have been easier. "Sorry to pull you into the middle of... infinity like this. I figured you had a lot to say about... out there. We have time here. More than I deserve. Even if you don't have much to say about all that, then... we can at least talk one more time."

Maybe he didn't deserve closure, but Levi did.