#— post shinganshina | the loneliest moment in one’s life— when they watch their life fall apart and all they can is stare blankly

[naitfall]

@vonbirden asked:

🎁 - for zeke c:<

spotify wrapped has arrived. send me a number from 1-100 for a starter based on that song, or a lyric from it, or send a 🎁 for me to shuffle.

49 - Where's My Love || SYML

Levi and Zeke are in the paths. Both are almost dead, but after Ymir fixes Zeke's body, Zeke gets close to an almost dead Levi

Where’s my love? LOVE. Humanity’s nastiest disease. A curse, to bind them both to life and death— absurd how for love they’d live, and for love they’d die. For love, they’d lose their sanity, a sickness to rot the brain. There was no antidote, no medicine to cure its symptoms. How many had lost their minds? How many had succumbed to it, and died, for love? More than Levi could count— never he could imagine, he’d find the same ending. Falsely he believed he had immunity against it, for he was still alive when everyone else had died, unbeknownst to him, he had lost to it the moment he made that vow to Erwin. Out of love. An arrogant fool he had been, as much sick and demented as they all were. To search for meaning in someone else, in this meaningless world. To chase for hope and comfort, in a cruel world where there was none. 

Love. He had never voiced such words, hadn’t he? He had led his whole life without any regrets, but in his last moments, regrets had come to haunt him, too weak to resist. I love you mother. How much he wished he had the chance to tell her. I love you guys. If only they had known, Farlan and Isabel. Everyone. . . You’re important to me. His squad. I love you Er– No. That didn’t seem right. Erwin, I– Were these truly the words he would have said to him? He still had a chance, for the line to separate life and death had grown thinner, and Levi was right at the border. Would he cross the line?

Zeke’s desperate scream was the last he had heard. A high-pitched sound followed, and then complete silence. For how long was he unconscious, lingering in that endless night, with only darkness in sight? And yet, he could still feel, still burning with life, a small flickering fire, all his senses on alert. A man in his last moments was meant to see the ones most dear to him. For Erwin, it had been his father, and the moment replayed in that comforting delirious state of mind he was lost in, was the day that had decided his course of life. For Levi was . . . 

Erwin. A blurry blond figure stood on top of him. He couldn’t listen, couldn’t process anything he said, for sound wouldn’t reach him. He couldn’t see, not through his own blood, he couldn’t focus his eyes on the man close to him, and yet the starry sky above their heads was crystal clear, as if Levi wouldn’t need to see its beauty with his eyes, a sight of the mind and heart. Where were they, if not by the side of the river? When did it stop raining? In sand, he’d lay. The paths. It was warm, a place that held a certain peace, calming his raging mind. It would be a peaceful death. And yet, a tragic one.

A ghost. Erwin. Did you know that we bleed the same? Erwin. He tried calling out his name. You poor thing. . . It wasn’t Erwin’s voice. Did he still remember his voice? It’s been years, since he last heard it.

‘ You won’t have eyes tonight. You won’t have ears or a tongue. You will wander the underworld blind, deaf and dumb, and all the dead will know: this is [...] the fool who thought he killed [...]. ’

Levi had read this, in one of Erwin’s books. A tragic story about revenge, and how one could lose oneself, when succumbing to grief and anger. Was this truly his ending? Would he die, having accomplished nothing at all? What about all their sacrifices? The vow he had made to him? Erwin. Had he come to escort him to the other life? To ask him what happened of all their dedicated hearts? Or to speak the words they never admitted to one another?

Did you run away? Come back. . . 

Erwin. Erwin. Erwin. He kept calling out his name, but he couldn’t tell if his voice could be heard. His hand reached for him, for the figure on top of him, a slight raise in his right hand. He could barely move, or speak, choking in his own blood. Such a pathetic sight he had become, and when his greatest enemy watched with pity. Coughing even more blood, his body stiffened, every muscle contracting at once violently, his breathing shallow and ragged, fingers of his left hand curling in the sand, while still desperately reaching for him. For Erwin. He was dying. But before he did. . . 

How dangerous, to care for someone. Was it LOVE though, the reason he’d self-destruct? Maybe, if he had never made that vow, he wouldn’t have been this close to death. Was it love, that yearning? Or not? Truth is, there was something much more intense than love. OBSESSION.

Any other man would be seeing those most dear, in his final moments. Memories of peace, and comfort. But for Levi, revenge was rooted deep inside his heart, deeper than any love ever could. There wasn’t love in those clouded eyes of his, but an opportunity to kill. To avenge the one most dear to him. The one who had changed his course of life.

In the sand his hand was buried, as if in between spasms he’d search for something. He got hold of it. A piece of wood that was stuck in his hand. Erwin. He called his name again, more coughing, his voice breaking. Erwin. I’ll keep my promise. Are you watching me? The man on top of him gets closer. Zeke gets closer. He had one single chance, one moment to collect all his strength and to lift his body just a tiny bit. A chance to stab that piece of wood in his neck.

As if death could have him before he finished him. He’d hold onto this life with everything he had, he wouldn’t bite the dust before he found death by his hand. 

[moved-naitfall]

❝ Don't look at me that way. I've still got one eye and eight fingers left. That's more than enough. ❞

[moved--naitfall]

@gyofukuki asked:

❛ I still intend to make sure you don't fall behind. ❜ from pieck

EPIC: THE MUSICAL — ACT ONE

A forced alliance they had formed, when they appeared helpless, unarmed before them with an offer: to join forces, to kill the beast. By his side, Pieck had taken a seat, once an enemy, now an ally. He'd stare, a single eye full of the grief and loss of a lifetime. On his shoulders, rested the hopes and dreams of everyone who had given their life for a ridiculously hopeless cause. On his shoulders, even if he couldn't any longer stand on two feet without collapsing. Could he, in this pathetic state, give their sacrifices meaning? He wasn't delusional. His only remaining strength— to be void of any hope and dreams. To see clearly (wasn't he blinded by revenge?), when the rest gazed through altered vision, of everything they sought or feared to see. Levi knew he couldn't fight the final battle in this state. He knew he'd slow them down, and had promised to himself to die before they had to risk their lives for him. And even if he couldn't kill the beast on his own, he didn't stay behind on that ship.

Instead, he had begged. ❝ To kill Zeke . . . Please lend me your strength. ❞ Shattered, for once proving he could break. Yet his armor hadn't fallen apart, pieces remained in place, and they kept staring with unchanging eyes of perplexion. Never once had he wondered what his soldiers thought of him, not when he couldn't recognize his own reflection on the mirror.

Hange was dead. Everyone, every single soldier from the day he had joined the Survey Corps, was gone. Among comrades and enemies he had found himself, asking for their assistance. For a cause they couldn't understand, a seemingly selfish cause. Yet a foreign soldier, the enemy, the cart titan who had taken Zeke from his hands, had spoken like a real Survey Corps member. Words he hadn't heard before, words it seemed he had heard for the first time in his life. For a short time, he struggled to understand, as if she had spoken a different dialect. Fall behind? His fight should have been over. He should have stayed behind. How could she understand? Why he fought? There was no reason to pretend, no hidden motive behind caring words. Ridiculous they were, this war having proven how absurd was human nature, how self-destructive for absolute no reason.

She could see him. Eyes held no pity, nor fear or resentment. As if he was the same as her, as all of them, a comrade worth looking at. Never before anyone had to worry he’d fall behind. Always the one to lead crying soldiers straight to hell. Always the one to remain at the end, fighting so their lives wouldn’t be lost in vain. A devil. He had become one as well, hadn’t he? For all their sakes, to support him, carry his sins, to carry the promise he had made to him. She hadn’t served under his command. It wasn’t her responsibility, not her duty — not anyone’s responsibility or duty, yet she had offered herself. What was he to her eyes? An outsider’s eyes? He didn’t understand. Maybe, his perception had given out, along with his stamina since the explosion. Maybe, he didn't have the time or heart to see and observe. Maybe, her understanding was beyond his, for he didn’t know what it was like to be seen, as human.

He gritted his teeth. Hands clenched tight at the fabric of his pants, the desperation of helplessness towards the end suffocating him. He remained silent, didn’t respond — couldn't speak, for anguish had closed his throat. A single eye met hers, the gratitude he couldn't express, and the confirmation, he was going to need her help. When close to one's end (to the end of humanity), it was natural for people to show their real colors, what shades they were truly made of — dark, for most, lighter tones rare to see in a world robbing them of their light. Rare, yet in her he'd see the light having survived. In heartworn eyes, he'd recognise a part of him. What shades could she have seen in him? Was it because he contrasted her, that she remained close ?

[naitfall]

In a forest they hid, where the hunter and the prey were already decided. In this game of chase, they'd both sit and wait, for who was going to make the first move, and RUN. ❝ I'd rather do this in silence. ❞ An animal Zeke was, for there wasn't a soul in those empty eyes of his. Even in war, there was mercy. Even in between enemies, there was respect. But not between them, for Levi's enemy had long succumbed to the beast he had inherited, wouldn't any longer bear any human qualities, wouldn't any longer resemble a human being— and for that, he didn't intend to treat him as one, when the time to make him pay would come.

Despite his short temper, Levi had much more patience than he'd let show. All that whining, all that teasing wasn't enough to get on his nerves. Not when he'd waited for years for the moment he'd dig his blade deep into his throat. It was just a matter of time now, and the more the blond provoked him, the stronger his lust for blood would grow— the sadist in him, restrained, for when the moment was right. ❝ If you don't mind, please shut that shitty mouth of yours. ❞ Glazed, focused, piercing was his gaze. Eyes looking at prey, a prey he had staked his claim on a long time ago. Observing its behavior, watching it hope to escape, feeling satisfied with itself, before the battle for its life would begin. Before the chase would begin.

𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋! @naitfall ➳ ​​​🇿​​🇪​​🇰​​🇪​ & ​🇱​​🇪​​🇻​​🇮​

“ Man, Levi. You know, it starting to seem like you have nothing else you'd rather do then glare at me. ” Zeke would like to say it's unnerving, but really, he was used to it. Despite his own toying words, the eyes that return to the captain are all but dead. Barely a flicker in them. He's a man of war. His teasing disposition scarcely displays in his appearance. He complains about the conditions he's in, whines about the unfair treatment, even asks for things he knew would get under his skin ... truth be told, he's been in much worse living conditions then this. It was nothing to him. All the same ... “ You're gonna make me blush at all this attention. ”

[naitfall]

❝ Ackermans and anyone with the power of the titans won't be affected. Get away from here!! Get on Falco!! ❞

— I had to watch him wave GOODBYE to me a second time.

THE REUNION. eren was dead. the fight was over. he watches as everyone reunites, all who had turned into titans reverted back to humans. he searches for his figure in the clearing mist. his breath caught in his lungs, released only when he finally sees him rush towards him. he stands for a split second, supporting all his weight on one leg. levi's hands reach for him, grab him tight and force him into his arms. they fall to their knees, their breathing rapid and heavy. they had survived. they wouldn’t have to part ways again. tears he couldn’t once shed escape him, tears of relief of an endless battle to have finally ended, the fear of many years to have ended — the fear of losing him, and the relief he hadn’t lost him. not in this reality.

we held on tightly to each other like mad men, as if it allowed us to confirm that we were both alive, that we were both still living, breathing creatures

it was the first time that i noticed . . . ? [to be continued] // @vonbirden & farlan church

[moved-naitfall]

— injury/disabilities ( future verse )

This headcanon applies to (sub) verses post Levi's main timeline, around his mid/late thirties.

cw: snk manga spoilers

Because of the thunder-spear explosion in the canon timeline, or a possible motorcycle crush in a modern setting, Levi suffers heavy damage, such as losing his right eye, losing two fingers of his right hand ( his index and his middle ), lower stamina, and mobility issues.

Since there’s little canon information for the last, in my portrayal, Levi uses both a wheelchair and a cane. Levi not only suffers neurological damage ( detailed medical info tba ), but his left leg was nearly crushed. While he can still stand and walk, he’s in incredible pain and his legs will often go numb, resulting in him being unstable. For that reason, he uses a cane for shorter distances ( moving around his house ) and a wheelchair for longer distances.

[moved--naitfall]

@worldhell asked:

SPOTIFY WRAPPED - number 13 for zeke c:<

In honor of SPOTIFY WRAPPED,  send me a number 1-100 and I’ll write you a starter based on the song.

❝ Don't be like that. ❞ Far too long they had spent, trying their hardest not to kill one another. Levi's hatred run deep, running back to a vow made that remained unfulfilled — to his lack of any human resemblance, a true monster matching its name. He could claim to be on their side, pretend to care for one of his subordinates, his so-called brother, but the Captain hadn't seen more empty eyes in his entire life. Not even where he came from, where darkness would haunt them all — not even in his own reflection, when he used to be a man who'd benefit from taking the lives of others.

If this was meant for me, why does it hurt so much? Their fates had been sealed together on that day — Zeke's death, with Levi's freedom. Prisoner to his resentment he'd be, the wings he once bore on his back withering away the longer he waited to pay their sacrifices meaning, the deeper the poison of hopelessness would sink in. Didn't he have another choice, back when he sent them all, sent him, to their death? His arrogance had decided the outcome, arrogance he falsely believed he had grown out of — he'd kill the beast no matter what, he had promised, yet the bastard was now before him, and he couldn't take out his blade.

Instead, he'd watch, guilt having wrapped a tight leash around his neck, little by little suffocating him. He wouldn't regret his choice, freeing him from this hell on that day, but even he could bend — powerlessness was familiar to him, haunting his entire life (quite ironic, for the man called humanity's strongest). And now, he'd sit before the enemy, without the power to take his life, what he desired the most.

❝ Can you get even more disgusting? ❞

[naitfall]

Hope and despair. Hope and despair battled for Eren’s heart, battled for control, such as all the intense and overwhelming emotions resting within him, overwhelming to those around him but most importantly, himself. Opposites they were—one felt too strongly, the other any longer couldn’t ( or at least that was the comfortable truth he had chosen to believe in ).

A witness Levi was, to his agony, a victim at the mercy of his own unbowed nature, redefining himself every time another tragedy came to change his course of life. A trainee. A monster. A survey corps soldier. Humanity’s hope. Humanity’s greatest enemy. Every time another truth was uncovered, a different role he was forced to embody, but the truth they had reached at Shiganshina, the truth they had sacrificed everything for, was the most destructive of all. Once again, he’d have to deny himself, start over, and rebuild in the ruins of his previous self. For once, the captain and soldier were the same, for Levi was familiar with his anguish. For he also had to deny everything he had once been, to survive.

In despair, Eren would suffocate ever since that day. Never had his heart remained unchanged for this long, despair’s hold on him too tight for him to escape on his own. Levi was there to kick some sense into him, if he had to. Maybe, he shouldn’t intervene — he was known to respect one’s headspace, after all, despite his nasty behavior. Maybe, the boy had simply grown out of the teenager with the burning desire, with the willpower, to change everything in his path. Maybe, he had only matured, grown into the man he was supposed to become. But since when, would he surrender to any force, submit to what life commanded him to become?

A beast that could not be tamed. That pure heart of his, Levi was meant to protect. The task he had decided to take. To watch him, watch over him, until the very end. Levi never had taken his eyes off him. Not since that battle in Shinganshina— long before that, since their eyes first met behind the bars of that cell. Closely watching him, watching him with the same eagerness the younger one watched him. Observant in nature they both were, transparent to one another. Exposed.

What a twisted thing to say. He wouldn’t blame him, though. Their world had suddenly turned to some unknown place none could fully stomach. ❝ Armin’s right. ❞ How odd, to be reading a child’s story. Was there any comfort he sought, in these ridiculously plain stories? ❝ Isn't there a normal book for you to read? Erwin had a bunch of them in his library. You should take one of them. ❞ Books were expensive, after all. A luxury not everyone could afford. Yet another luxury Levi hadn’t, was time. He couldn’t recall the last time he could read a book.

[   STORY   ]     ,     receiver  reads  to  sender. || (Levi at your Eren! sending you all my love, missed ya 💕)

𝐬𝐚𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐝  ,  𝐡𝐢𝐠𝐡  𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞  .

𝐬𝐚𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐝  ,  𝐡𝐢𝐠𝐡  𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞  .     ݁˖ ❀ ⋆｡˚

teal eyes flicker up to catch sight of his captain. if eren weren't always so hyperfocused with everything levi did, he could have missed the whisper soft footsteps of him approaching. but he has been studying levi his entire scout career and noticing the familiar gait is nothing compared to the wealth of knowledge eren has stored when it comes to those he considers more important than even himself.

he allows his book to fall open on his thighs, pulling his attention from the story to the man standing next to him. "captain," he greets, his lips pulling into a smile as he studies levi's features, "i was just reading some childhood fairy tales..." his voice trails off as he glances back down, teal eyes catching the first letter of the paragraph he'd left off on, "'...and so, they set off in their boat down river, heading towards a new far off land, where surely new friends would greet them and feed them...'" eren hums quietly, his eyes going unfocused as present day concerns easily worm their way into the forefront of his mind.

"i doubt marley would greet us or feed us," he lets out a humorless laugh, "unless it was actually feeding us to our eldian brothers..." the silence that lingers easily snaps him out of his wandering thoughts and he blinks a couple of times to expel them. eren inwardly cringes and he slowly turns his attention back to the captain, "sorry," he says with an apologetic smile, "armin says i've become way too serious these days... i'm trying to be better about it."

@naitfall

[draftsinsourarmor]

— bnha || go beyond! plus ultra!

— todoroki shoto || in the midst of darkness — i found there was (within me) an invincible light

— ic | look properly at who you want to become!

— crack | ‘ladykiller’s’ aka ‘handcrusher’s’ time: if i smile they’ll die?

— crack || is there anything lonelier than laughing a matter away?

— visuals || a work of art is a confession

— queue || some ancient call that i've answered before

— memes || make the choice you won't regret.

— erwin & levi | and in the end we were just humans. . . drunk on the idea that our efforts could heal our brokenness.

— crack | i was gonna put my password to ‘levi’ but it was too short.

— visuals | perhaps cherries look violent in the sunlight. ( you are all honey and rage ). perhaps you should let the moon be your courier

— headcanon | i will not bare my soul to their shallow prying eyes. my heart shall never be put under their microscope.

— post shinganshina | the loneliest moment in one’s life— when they are watching their life fall apart and all they can is stare blankly

— erwin smith | i knew that i came to face someone whose personality was so fascinating that if i allowed it would absorb my whole nature.

[naitfall]

thread with lausticzt || mentioned: erwin smith ( @gyofukuki )

Rain had once again accompanied him in another tragedy— at Erwin’s funeral. Levi had returned to Shinganshina a few days ago, to collect his body, in whatever stage of decomposition that was. Levi preferred to put an end to these matters, bury them, and never look back, except this man was different, his hold on him still tight, even more after he was gone. Some had protested— why should he receive special treatment when hundreds of soldiers had died in the same battle? When so many lives were sacrificed because of him. Many in the Survey Corps who had given their lives never received proper burial. But Levi wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t comply with reason, for he only cared to bring him back home. Maybe, he’d stop seeing him everywhere if his body was properly cared for.

The casket had remained closed, for the look of him was unsightly, skeletonized as he was, his form no longer resembling the soul that once resided inside this body, just an empty rotting vessel. Yet Levi wouldn’t have minded looking at him, for he had seen the same sight before. His mother, when he buried her, must have looked almost the same. In the same nightmares he’d live, over and over again, with no escape, no chance to wake up.

Almost everyone left once the funeral was over. Wouldn’t stay for long, wouldn’t mourn for a man nobody was going to miss. Yet, standing in the rain, Levi had stayed for many hours, until he lost track of time. Fucking bastard. Being more trouble dead than he was alive. And he couldn’t even blame him anymore, for none of it was his fault. Not really. Not since Levi got on his knees, and decided to make the choice— to send him, and everyone in the Survey Corps to die. To carry on his will, and all the weight of his SINS, so he could die in peace, dreaming of his childhood and not the mountain of corpses he’d stand upon. The weight of all his sins had now fallen on his shoulders— and now his head would hang low, in his efforts to remain standing and not be crushed by the weight of it all.

— Where's the Captain? — He hasn't returned from the Commander's funeral. — Is he still outside in this weather? 

It didn’t just rain, it fucking poured. It had become dangerous to stay outside, the rain was falling too heavily and with too much force. Levi didn’t have an umbrella with him. Like a statue, he’d stand. He didn’t know himself what he had been waiting for. Certainly not for a response. Maybe, he had been waiting for the ground to cover him to dry. But the rain wouldn’t stop. The harder the rain fell, the more every nerve in his body burnt with rage— as if he were ten years younger, with still enough life left inside of him, fury as his driving force, still mad at the cruel world they were forced to survive in, awaiting, demanding for some kind of merciful treatment. But he knew damn well there wasn’t any mercy, and the rain wouldn’t stop just because he wished it would.

[naitfall]

Rain. Rain had once again accompanied him in another tragedy— at Erwin’s funeral. Levi had returned to Shinganshina a few days ago, to collect his body, in whatever stage of decomposition that was. Levi preferred to put an end to these matters, bury them, and never look back, except this man was different, his hold on him still tight, even more after he was gone. Some had protested— why should he receive special treatment when hundreds of soldiers had died in the same battle? When so many lives were sacrificed because of him. Many in the Survey Corps who had given their lives never received proper burial. But Levi wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t comply with reason, for he only cared to bring him back home. Maybe, he’d stop seeing him everywhere if his body was properly cared for.

The casket had remained closed, for the look of him was unsightly, skeletonized as he was, his form no longer resembling the soul that once resided inside this body, just an empty rotting vessel. Yet Levi wouldn’t have minded looking at him, for he had seen the same sight before. His mother, when he buried her, must have looked almost the same. In the same nightmares he’d live, over and over again, with no escape, no chance to wake up.

Almost everyone left once the funeral was over. Wouldn’t stay for long, wouldn’t mourn for a man nobody was going to miss. Yet, standing in the rain, Levi had stayed for many hours, until he lost track of time. Fucking bastard. Being more trouble dead than he was alive. And he couldn’t even blame him anymore, for none of it was his fault. Not really. Not since Levi got on his knees, and decided to make the choice— to send him, and everyone in the Survey Corps to die. To carry on his will, and all the weight of his SINS, so he could die in peace, dreaming of his childhood and not the mountain of corpses he’d stand upon. The weight of all his sins had now fallen on his shoulders— and now his head would hang low, in his efforts to remain standing and not be crushed by the weight of it all.

— Where's the Captain? — He hasn't returned from the Commander's funeral. — Is he still outside in this weather? 

It didn’t just rain, it fucking poured. It had become dangerous to stay outside, the rain was falling too heavily and with too much force. Levi didn’t have an umbrella with him. Like a statue, he’d stand. He didn’t know himself what he had been waiting for. Certainly not for a response. Maybe, he had been waiting for the ground to cover him to dry. But the rain wouldn’t stop. The harder the rain fell, the more every nerve in his body burnt with rage— as if he were ten years younger, with still enough life left inside of him, fury as his driving force, still mad at the cruel world they were forced to survive in, awaiting, demanding for some kind of merciful treatment. But he knew damn well there wasn’t any mercy, and the rain wouldn’t stop just because he wished it would.

When he returned to his room, he didn’t expect to find anyone inside. Sorrow, disappointment, anger, all mixed to a combination nobody in their right mind would dare to be the receiver of. Wouldn’t she laugh at this pathetic image of him? Why wouldn’t she— somebody to provoke him was exactly what he needed right at this moment before he lost his mind and started breaking everything inside the room. The last he expected to be met with was understanding. Not enough to ground him, but enough to quiet him for a short while. Even if he claimed he wouldn’t ever treat her in a way she didn’t deserve — a silent agreement of theirs, another promise he hadn’t been able to keep — for a moment he had lost control of himself, lost himself in grieving, like a spoiled brat who didn’t get what he asked for. 

He wanted her to leave, before he made himself fall any lower. This was the version of himself he had denied, driven by his violent instincts alone, without a care of the consequences. This was the version of himself before Erwin, before finding a reason to serve, a reason to deny his pride — only to discover recently, that it was just another man’s dream he followed, not any greater purpose. He wanted her to leave, because he couldn’t look at her. Not since their return, since only nine of them had remained. Her, who disliked any sort of sacrifice, of pointless death, as much as he did, what would she think if he told her he had sent them all to die and failed to kill the beast?

He stood at the door for a short while before storming in. Soaking wet, dripping on the floor, the mud on his boots leaving traces of where he stepped. He'd have to clean afterward, but little he cared right at this moment. He grabbed a towel to dry his hair, and started removing any extra layers of clothes, his coat, his suit jacket, his scarf and his boots, keeping only his shirt and trousers on. ❝ I’m gonna take a shower. ❞ If she wanted to leave, he had given her a chance. There wasn’t a reason for her to be here. She wouldn’t be waiting for him, he was sure of that.

▒ ANSWERED ᴹᴱᴹᴱ! "Go ahead and laugh. Laugh at me." ➳ @naitfall

Laura's gaze wavers at his tone, a silent quiver in her expression, the noise in her throat scarcely audible as lips press into a hard line. An unseen grimance / the slight recoil in her posture as if she'd been the one burnt. IT'S DESERVED. A reputation made of her own doing. It's no surprise to hear those words. To criticise him while he was already down for her tongue held little mercy, would be expected of her, wouldn't it? That she accepts, and still, its a punch to the gut. A moment where she is mad at the very fact, is that what he thought of her, is supressed with clear rational. Of course it is. She had shown nothing less. Any trace of self pity is diminished; pity was not meant for her, nor did she want it. Swallow it all down, for today, she had no qualms in letting her pride be hit.

“ I could ... but I'm not. ” However guarded still she came across, her voice is hushed, for once without the need for it's sharp and abupt tone. She isn't here to make a point. Laura hadn't known what to say to him, she didn't really know what to expect when she came here. Yet always, she found she made a beeline straight to him under most circumstances. Confrontation, demanding, and the rare moments of solace that she can't help but linger on, she has reasons to barge into his life. Lately, they had lost it's original purpose. She knows, because others had taken notice of her immediate absence when it came to Levi. Never did she hide it. There was nothing to hide.

Until moments like this. In truth, his reaction had taken her aback, a rare instance of defeat in his tone. Anger? Sadness? She can't tell. The atmosphere is heavier. One might lose resolve, seeing humanity's stronger solider like this, remind them that he isn't indestructable. Levi was just like any other person. No, not quite. Laura's perception of most people wasn't one filled with fond sentiment. Humanity as a whole had been truly disgusting to her. Even if she desperately wanted to, save her from repeating past mistakes / to believe in false hope, she knows she isn't capable of throwing Levi into the same category.

Human. To the core they were all just human. No heroes, no untouchable forces, everything bled, everything died, and the pain would always drag them under. She runs from it too. Maybe that's why this is easier. Maybe only because it was him.

“ I'm sorry, for what it's worth. About what happened. ” She isn't heartless, however cruel and mindless her words can be. It's not sympathy, there is no pity, rather it's a cruel understanding. There was no other way for her to express any other reason. She wasn't known to be good company, nor did she really ... expect to be. Laura wanted to be here. I just came here to see you. Gaze cast, fingers gripping the table she leaned against. “ I'm not here to berate you. ”

[naitfall]

tag drop #2

[moved-naitfall]

tag drop #3

verses

—◆ post shinganshina | the loneliest moment in one’s life— when they're watching their life fall apart and all they can is stare blankly

—◆ child | take heed my son. the dark comes for everyone

[naitfall]

Selfish, was human nature. Frail and ephemeral were their lives, and desperately they'd snatch anything they could lay their hands on, anything within their reach in this short chance at living — was it money, power, or the love and affection of another. It was natural, to be guided by one's own feelings alone. 

Levi was human. Most chose to deny that reality (himself included), the truth that the man they had entrusted their hopes and dreams wasn't invincible, someone who could easily die at any moment, someone who had feelings of his own. Levi was selfish, and Eren had seen it, for he had kept his eyes on him for far too long, trying to understand him, as if another of his acts of rebellion. ‘ Eren, look past your own feelings. ’ Since when could he lie so easily? He was no different, weak at heart, easy to place the blame on someone else. ‘ Why did YOU hesitate before handing over the injection? ’ The look of betrayal in his eyes. He had seen right through him. That he could still hope. ‘ I don't see how you could ever have predicted that Floch would bring the dying Commander here. ’ Eren was right. 

He had followed Erwin because he believed him to be different. Never in his life had Levi felt humiliated in the presence of someone. He couldn't understand where those eyes of his stared at. What he could see, what he fought for, how much of himself he had thrown away for a cause Levi once believed to be utterly selfless. He had chosen to join him, on the day he lost everything, because he failed to understand him. And yet, it was towards the end, when the mystery of his existence began to unfold before him. Kenny had given him the answer. He was no devil, he was human too, drunk on something to keep pushing on. A childhood dream, a dream he'd sacrifice everything for, even humanity. 

‘ Give up on your dreams and charge to your death. ’ He had made the choice for him. The selfless choice Erwin couldn't make himself. To save Armin, was Levi’s own selfish choice. He had chosen to save the boy, and let Erwin rest.

Ridiculous, for him to feel indebted, even when it wasn't ( was it? ) his intention to save him. To be met with eyes filled with gratitude, but also guilt — the guilt Levi couldn’t afford to dwell on. He'd wear his insecurities as apparent as ever. Doubting himself at every chance, the opposite of Erwin. Searching for meaning and sense, in a world seemingly lacking both. ❝ Why would I be? ❞ He leaned with his back against the wall, ice-blue eyes locked with his. He wanted him to openly admit those feelings, before they started to eat him away, before that self-consciousness of his became his downfall. Levi didn’t intend to give him the answer he wanted to hear. The answer where he could blame himself, for his choices.

the light in the infirmary is bright and warmthless, reflecting blindingly off the white sheets tucked into the mattress beneath where he sits, hands clutching wrinkles into the fabric.

he had insisted on being examined on return from shinganshina, convinced there was something wrong with him still. you can't get within a hair's width of death and come back fine, as if nothing had even happened. they'd looked him over top to bottom, listened to his heartbeat, made him take deep breaths to listen to his lungs and stick his tongue out to check his throat. n͟o͟t͟h͟i͟n͟g͟.

even so, he can't shake the feeling now that there is still something wrong with him. wrong with his s͟t͟o͟m͟a͟c͟h͟, he thinks. he hasn't eaten much since then, not when a crunch feels like bone and a tear like tendon. even so, hunger is not the name for what he's feeling.

he looks up as the captain appears in the doorway, a sea of emotions washing over him. he tries to pick them out as they pass by, give himself some sense of knowing, some sense of control over himself in all of this. relief, guilt, comfort all float by like buoys, islands he can name amongst the indiscernable waves of everything else that batter him breathless still.

@naitfall says: take some deep breaths. it's over.

as if on cue, he lets go of the air held tightly in his lungs reflexively, as if those simple words have lifted weight from his chest. everyone has either been treating him like a pariah or china, something to stare at and whisper about or something to coddle and tiptoe around. armin is simply relieved that levi manages to treat him like a human being when even he can't manage to give himself that grace ( as if he ever has ). he doesn't deserve it, and from levi least of all.

" i know. thank you, " he answers, feeling his expression try to form something resembling an understanding smile, proof that he's alright. it's probably transparent to the captain, who can cut to people's cores as easily as he can to a nape, and armin doesn't let it linger long enough to give him the chance to call him on it first. " i would understand, you know, " he says, much quieter now as his gaze averts, " if you were upset with me. "

[naitfall]

Monster. A monster he was called his entire life. His soldiers, those he’d sacrifice his life for, would openly question his humanity. Some would doubt the existence of his human heart, malicious and bitter at the loss of the comrades they couldn’t save, searching for a culprit that’d passively take the blame. Others were delusional, claiming he wasn't mortal, wouldn’t die in battle, his life not endangered like theirs, for desperately wanting to believe in his strength, in his ability to survive when all hope was lost, so he could carry their dying wishes to the end. A monster he had been, to those in the underground as well. This boy is a monster. Stay away from him. This man isn’t human. Whether he used his blade to slice one’s throat, or a titan’s neck, whether he fought in the name of humanity, or to protect his family, to kill and protect, were one and the same — his talent, a curse, his extraordinary ability to KILL. To always be looked at with eyes that spoke of both awe and terror.

Levi didn't often speak, he listened, listened to the loud conversations of those he was interested in, whether they spoke of a bunch of bullshit or deep matters beyond his comprehension. Ever since returning from Shinganshina, ever since the sacrifice of their commander and the majority of the survey corps, nothing had remained the same, the once comforting short breaks of silence, having turned to long never-ending disturbing periods of time. Even Hange, the loudest of them all, had grown quiet. Levi disliked pointless talk and never actively sought to start a conversation. Yet, Oda’s presence offered the peace of mind to listen to himself clearly, and say what’s been on his mind— a rare occasion of vulnerability (vulnerability in Levi’s understanding). He didn’t value most opinions. Anyone had one of their own, and all of them held part of the truth with it. But he wanted to hear Oda’s thoughts.

In his eyes, or the eyes of others? ❝ Beats me. No perception is anywhere close to reality. ❞ There was another question he should have asked instead: What to call a man who was ready to sacrifice their humanity for the cause that’d give their life meaning and purpose?

A monster they called Erwin, yet Levi had never seen him as one. No monster, nor human. A deceiving creature, his nature wrapped in mystery. He had followed him, because he couldn’t understand him, couldn’t slice through flesh, see what rested inside of him. How had he, even if unwillingly, looked down on him, humiliated him, when Levi screamed and cried for the loss of everything that had ever mattered to him. Where those eyes of his stare at? How could he keep on fighting when everything was lost? Unbeknownst to Levi when he decided to join him, how utterly human he had been, chasing his own childish dream. ‘When he finds nothing really worth protecting anymore, succumbing to the ugliness of it all.’ Maybe, what made a man a monster, was to live devoid of any hope and dreams. Maybe, Kenny was right all along. They all needed to be drunk on something, to call themselves human. Maybe Erwin would have truly become a monster if he had let him live, and reached that dream of his.

He wouldn’t regret his choice. Not ever.

Satisfied with the answer, he took a sip of his tea, finally meeting with Oda’s eyes, less troubled than he was a moment ago. ❝ I don’t think you do. I sure as hell don’t. ❞ Because Oda wouldn't be intimidated by the darkness of the human soul, familiar to it as much as he was, and yearning to explore its depths.

@naitfall asked:

❛ When does a man become a monster? ❜ ( . . . for Oda? 👉👈 I had to )

"In his eyes, or the eyes of others?" He questions, looking down his glass as if it was a barrel of a gun - no fear, but a whole sea of regrets. He has a sense where the question is coming from, but hesitates to make sure. Not that he's that scared of Levi or worried for him. It was more of a self-centred concern. Once the topic is breached, they'll never be able to pretend it wasn't. Oda least of the both of them; once he got the wheels turning there was no stopping until he reached the conclusion that felt right, a way to proceed. Tempting as it was to put that off for a day or two more, sit in the stillness of it all for a while, it was already too late.

The question was asked, and demanded an answer.

„Maybe when he no longer grieves having to make a distinction between those who he will protect with his life, and those who he won't. The distinction between those who he'll fight to protect, and those who'll die for it. Or, you know what, maybe later still? When he finds nothing really worth protecting anymore, succumbing to the ugliness of it all. Unable to see and feel anything but the darkness of his own doing.” He took a big gulp of tea to prevent his throat closing down on him. And though his expression became wholly pain-stricken, he still forced a little smile by the end. „What makes you think I would know?”

.

[moved--naitfall]

@massensterben : continued thread

To humiliate a soul— there wasn't anything more inhuman than that. To break one’s body and soul, shatter to pieces that wouldn’t ever find their proper place. He couldn’t be put back the way he was, could never return to who he used to be. Levi was familiar with such agony. Standing at the edge of a cliff, with one single choice: to survive at the cost of everything he’s been, to take one step forward and FALL.

His first expedition beyond the walls, a series of choices, losing the last of his family— if only he hadn’t come across this devil. Erwin. His pride was to blame. And yet, that man he wished to kill claimed it wasn’t. Never in his life, had Levi felt as if he belonged with the dirt. On his knees, wanting to scream for the loss of the last two people who gave meaning to his dreams, humiliated, while before him stood a man who couldn’t afford to be as selfish as he was. If it weren’t for this devil, Levi wouldn’t have dedicated himself to humanity. He wouldn’t have denied who he was, for the sake of understanding him, of becoming a tool for his purpose. People didn’t break from torture alone — the loss of hope and dreams, a noose he had tightened around his neck on that day, a leash he had given to his hands to hold. Levi had made the choice to sell his soul. And Bertholdt had made his own.

They had become devils, the monsters the world feared they were. When does a reason become the blame? He’s not asking the boy before him. Maybe he was, hell if he knew, he had spoken before he understood the real meaning behind his own words, his blood boiling at the sight of the state he had found him in, sick at the sight of what happened of him, the ugliness of his own people to justify such cruelty. He was told to stay away. Was it because they feared if he were to approach him, he'd kill him? He wouldn't hold back, break him to the point there wouldn't be any use of him? No. The reason Hange had given him such an order was because they knew he wouldn't stand the sight of him. Levi had dedicated himself to humanity, yet there was nothing human in this madness. They had gone astray, and he didn’t know if there was a way to go back.

They were children. There was no justifying the torture he had gone through, because the truth was — and Levi wasn’t blinded by resentment nor fear to fail to see clearly — when they breached Wall Maria, they were young children, who weren’t prepared to carry the weight of their sins, the loss of countless lives. He still was a child, someone doomed to lose his life young. He wouldn’t look down on him, even if still an enemy he’d kill the moment he seemed to become a threat. Levi had killed, when he was much younger than him, for reasons less justified, revenge against a world that had taken everything from him, a world he wanted to spit on. He never regretted the lives he took while fighting for his life in the underground. He never regretted the lives he sacrificed, for the Survey Corps to advance one tiny step forward. Or so he wanted to believe. Yet the boy before him was drowning in regret long before he was stripped of his freedom.

He didn’t claim to forgive the Colossal Titan. If in his place was Zeke, if he was the one treated like an animal, it would have been different, for he had seen with his own eyes the lack of humanity in him, the animal he truly was. But he truly believed Bertholdt deserved a more merciful end. Absurd, ridiculous, insane, to consider killing an act of mercy. They had all lost their minds in this war. They were all desperate. Trapped in the same cell they had locked him in, terrified of what their fate was, broken beyond repair. They were the same as him, prisoners, cornered prey, desperate to see the light of one more day, for their suffering to end. They were the same as him, else they wouldn’t have treated him with such barbarity.

He dropped to one knee, lowering to meet his gaze. He couldn’t say anything. Couldn't promise him freedom. Couldn't promise him his suffering would soon end. Because, even if the torture did end, he'd never return at being the same. If only he could look into his eyes, not in fear, but as if staring inside a mirror, for he knew the horrors he held inside him. ❝ Is there still a home you want to return to? ❞ If there was, there was still saving him, even a small part of him. For Levi there wasn't. ❝ Don’t look at me like that. There’s no right answer. Just spit it out. ❞

You start to get really fucking grateful around here. It starts with clean water, with gristle and kitchen scraps. You thank them on your knees for a chance to chew. Then sleep. The first time he got to sleep through the night, he woke and wept with gratitude. Voices, light, the sky. Things like that are luxuries he no longer has any right to. They are granted in exchange for his cooperation, for his willingness to crawl. And god, he is willing. They have made him willing.

Bertholdt is told he has been in Paradisian custody for ten months. Emaciated and haggard, he bears the signs of his redemption on his body. There are scars on his skin, for the first time. There are holes in his mind that have been punched in by Commander Hange. Ten months of suffering is nothing, of course, compared to the pain he brought to these people. Ten months of rot and screaming, what does that amount to? No, if Bertholdt wants to live at all, then he must offer more. —He has offered. After months in darkness, starved and beaten and pissed on, Bertholdt finally began to talk. And he didn’t stop talking, did he? He quickly learned that the more he said, the more time Commander Hange would spend with him, which meant that the guards could not have free rein over their own brand of vengeance.

Perhaps he should have preferred to die a patriot’s death. But he was only sixteen years old.

But Bertholdt talked. Bertholdt talked himself out of the confines, out of the torture cell, out of the naked frightened animal state. He talked himself out of the dungeons. He begged and promised and wept for everything that was ever demanded of him. He talked himself in front of Captain Levi.

@naitfall says: ❛ When does a reason become the blame? ❜

The question slips into his ear like poison. It is cold and impersonal. It burns him through like acid, some chemical compound. He’s been asked the question before, though differently. How did you justify, how did you justify, how did you justify? He didn’t. He couldn’t.

“We just wanted to get back home. We had to… We didn’t know. I swear we didn’t know.” His voice is some hacked off limb, crawling out of his mouth. He chokes on it. Bertholdt’s eyes are nailed to the captain’s boots. He’s waiting for one to come sailing into his face. He can already taste the blood, the skull-shattering pain. He sees his teeth scattering.

“We were told to retrieve the Founder, by any means necessary. It was never meant to be like this.”