#— ❛self-para ( me - 자기 & i )

[sbm-yeeun-blog]

— ❛ TAG DROP (꼬리표) ;

Le vent (바람), le soleil (태양), il fait beau (멋지다). Le vent feuilleté le livre (적층 된 책은 책을 감는다), le trois filles (세 소녀). Elle regarde les deux autres (그녀는 다른 두 사람을 쳐다 본다). Le pique-nique des filles (피크닉 소녀).

[minxsara]

( ASTORIA TASK #3: GHOSTS )

you’re my spring ( self-para ) 

location: sara’s house

inspired by this song (technically it’s inspired by his whole album but shhh)

          --- The book that weighed on her chest and stirred her awake let her know that Sara had, once again, slept while reading... and it wasn’t a common thing anymore. Not ever since sleepless nights were all that she had to look forward to... not ever since empty nights spent on an empty bed meant he was never going to be there anymore. With a sigh, Sara closed the book and set it aside before sitting up on her bed and checking the time on her phone’s screen. She’s had the strangest dream... one that involved her late husband, and he was sitting by her bed, watching her sleep. It broke her heart to wake up, but now that she was awake, all of those feelings had no meaning anymore, right?

Running her hand over her face, Sara climbed out of bed and made her way to the bathroom to wash her face with cool water as the sun slowly rose outside her windows. God, she hated summer. From there, she could hear the faint sound of giggles, which, she had to admit: it was a weird sound to hear in the middle of the night. Her first instinct was to reach for the baby monitor to check in on Woobin’s nursery. Nothing, just a giggly baby moving on his crib... well, at least he wasn’t crying. Thankfully. 

She opened the nursery’s door and--well, if she could, she would’ve screamed, but shock kept her from doing anything except for reaching for a stuffed animal and throwing on the back of the figure that was standing by her son’s crib. When the baby Koala flew right through the man’s head, stealing a sound from Sara’s lips that she didn’t even know what it was, but it felt a lot like a yelp. 

“You’re awake.” 

That voice. She knew that voice. She had woken up to and fallen asleep to it for several years. But... No. It just wasn’t possible. What a cruel dream to have. 

“자기... he’s so beautiful. He looks so happy too.”

As he turned around and Sara finally recognized Moonbin’s features, shock finally allowed her to move, even if it meant her knees giving in and her dropping to the floor. She had missed him so much.

“Sara-ssi... please don’t be scared. I don’t have much time, and I really wanted to see you both one last time. Can---can you get up?”

Moonbin offered his hand, but for a while, Sara didn’t move. The sobs that escaped her lips kept her from saying anything as well. 

“H-how...?” She finally let out, her voice shaking with a mix of fear, shock, and definitely heartbreak. “Why? How--how are you here? Are you... are you real?”

He let out a soft chuckle, choosing to sit down on the floor, across from Sara. “The full moon.” Of course. She should’ve figured it out by now that no full moon would be a peaceful one in Astoria. “The veil between our worlds is thinner... we could step over to this side. I’m so happy you can see me,  자기.” Moonbin reached over, touching Sara’s hand and the smile that appeared on his lips made her heart stop for split second. Although there was something different in the way his touch felt, at this point, Sara didn’t care. Soon, her arms were around him and she was holding onto him as if she’d been holding onto her dear life.

“I miss you. I miss you so much. Please don’t leave me.”

 This might not have been the Moonbin she wanted--her warm, sandalwood-scented, soft Moonbin--but she would take any version of him she would get. His touch was colder, and it felt like at any second, he would vanish in her arms, but... but this was good. It made her feel something she hadn’t felt in months. Something Sara didn’t quite know what it was, but it was like it had thrown her out of her own body.

“I miss you too. But I can’t stay, baby.” At his words, Sara tightened her grip around him, her sobs echoing around the room and feeling his hand patting gently on her back, as if trying to soothe her. “I’m so proud of you, Sara-ssi.” Bin paused, gently pulling away from her embrace so he could wipe off her tears with his thumb, then cup her face. “I’m so sorry for leaving. You have no idea of how much I wanted this... to be in Astoria with you, with our baby, with my family... I can’t thank you enough for being here. For giving them something to hold onto and for holding onto them too.” His words, in a way, stung her and before Sara could avoid it, the tears rolled again down her cheeks.

“Don’t go.” She pleaded, shaking her head as she tried to hold onto him. "I can’t do this without you. Please... please, Bin.”

“You don’t have to do it alone.” There was serenity in his smile and Sara, for the life of her, couldn’t understand how he could be smiling when she was sitting there, falling apart because she’d missed him so much. “Come on. Let’s make Binnie’s formula. I want to enjoy my time with you before I stop to see my family. Can we do that? Can we have a day to ourselves?”

With that, Moonbin stood up from the floor and offered his hand to Sara once again. After some minor hesitation, she took his hand and then moved to Bin’s crib to pick him up and take him to the kitchen to make his food. Despite still not believing that Moonbin was there, Sara also knew that what he’d said was true: he couldn’t stay. So, since they didn’t have much time, she figured it would be the best to enjoy while it lasted. Now that the initial shock was over, she could actually try and do just that. 

Moonbin had questions about things that he already knew the answers to, but he loved how passionate Sara was when talking about things she loved. He asked about the webcomic, about the friends she had made here, about her plans for the future and it made him feel at peace to know that she was, indeed, trying to live one day at a time. Grief was all part of the process of letting him go, but--but it hurt him whenever she cried over him. If he could, he would’ve traded her tears for anything in the world... even if it meant having never met her. But if he hadn’t met her, half of the people Sara mentioned having met here in Astoria would also not have had the pleasure of meeting her--and he wouldn’t deprive them of that. He wouldn’t deprive anyone of that, because he knew how bright and special his wife was.

From sunlight to sundown, Moonbin stayed. It was more than she could have asked for. She didn’t know just how much it would influence Binnie or of he would even remember, but Sara was happy that her husband was able to meet the child they had wanted for so long. Sara told Moonbin about her fears and how she felt when it came to being a mother and she was surprised what Moonbin didn’t say much back at first. She feared she had upset him, but later on that day when he brought the subject again as they tucked Binnie in and said goodnight to the baby, Sara was actually surprised with the response she got from her husband.

“You know... I said it before, but I’m proud of you. Despite everything, despite how you feel about motherhood, you’re still trying. In the end, Sara, that is what’s going to matter.” Bin gently caressed her hair, before pressing a kiss on her forehead. “And you shouldn’t feel inadequate. You’re doing the best that you can with whatever life threw at you. He’s happy, he’s healthy... he has lots of uncles and aunts that care for him...” With that, he caressed her cheek again, prompting Sara to lean onto his cool touch. 

She knew it was useless to do so, but the petite brunette really felt like asking him to stay again, but, when Bin’s voice was heard again, it almost felt like he had read her mind. “You should let me go, Sara.” He was sporting that same serene smile from early that morning. “I came to say goodbye, you know? They said... they said if I said goodbye, I’d be able to move on, too. They said I’d be able to be reborn... so this is the last time you’ll see me.” Well, it was easier said than done. There was so much she still needed to figure out, before allowing someone occupy the same place Bin had held in her heart... “It’s time, Sara. It’s time to let me go and find your own happiness. Remember I said you didn’t have to do it alone? That’s because you don’t have to. You have friends, family, people who love you with all their hearts... and it’s okay to move on.”

Sara found herself wiping off tears once again as Moonbin went on. She wasn’t as desperate as before. She was just... sad. Goodbyes were always sad. “It’s okay to open your heart to someone else. What we had was beautiful. It was everything to the both of us... I know that. I’ll never doubt you loved me, but I’m not here anymore. The pain is just--pain. If you can, be your optimistic self. Look for spring. Try new things, live, laugh, love. Find someone to fill your heart with happiness again.” He cupped her face once again, thumbs wiping the tears that rolled down her cheeks. “Be happy, Sara. That’s all I ask. Be happy.” With that, Bin, placed a gentle kiss on her lips. “I love you so much. So, so much. Thank you for being my everything and thank you for being Binnie’s mom. I have to go and see my family now, but promise you’ll try and be happy?”

Sara couldn’t say anything because she was, once again, sobbing. So she just nodded as she tried to keep her nerves at bay. Right there, in front of her eyes, Moonbin dissipated, which brought her to the floor again and she allowed to cry her pain away because it was a chapter of her life that it was finally having an ending. It might not have been a happy ending, but at least, it was closure.

[after-naeun-blog]

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