#༶•┈┈⛧┈♛ i write my own reality —————————— self para

[worshipme]

and i miss my lover, man || a self-para penned by sora for mayhemhq’s HOOK

“hey rachel, it’s nice to see you again.” he greets the woman with a hug that lingers for longer than a moment. his name rolls off her tongue and once upon a time it had been his favorite thing to hear in the world.

when she graduated and returned home from university, tyler was still the first person she texted even if they hadn’t talked in the past four years. seeing her contact appear on his lock screen was enough for him to stop everything he was doing and reply.

ever since that text, they had periodically been meeting up with each other. hanging out like friends do, and seriously hanging out like friends do. never alone, always with their old group of friends from high school. catching each other up on new updates in life and legally drinking together. but tyler and rachel weren’t ever friends. they were lovers longer than they were friends. their relationship was an instant attraction that quickly turned into tyler trying to make the quiet girl who he caught staring at him in the middle of math blush. the real catalyst was when their assigned seats were right next to each other with the hopes of tyler’s rambunctious self would calm down if he was seated right at the front next to the quiet smart girl.

spoiler: it did.

tucked in his backpack he brought with him is the little box of every post-it note and crumbled up piece of paper that she had ever passed to him from that first day in math class that he sent her one with a simple question of him asking for the answer on a test. there’s a few other things in there - various pictures and different bracelets. the box held every little thing he had kept from their relationship. he can see a similar box tucked under her own arm that he can only assume is his side of their conversations and other things she had kept.

he offers up his arm for her to take, but like she always does, she shakes her head and begins to lead the way down to their spot in the creek. tyler walks beside her. it’s been years since he’s been here, and he knows it’s the same for her. it felt wrong to visit this little part of the creek without the other, but now that they’re here, they can’t help but sit down and talk about the old days.

but when the conversation begins to die out and he’s left with the bitter-sweet beating of his heart in his chest, he knows its time. “thank you for doing this with me.” he says, and his voice is just shy of a whisper.

“i need this too.” comes her reply.

“i feel like we’re at a funeral.”

“it kind of is, if you think about it. we’re both finally letting go of our relationship.”

“i don’t know why i held on to it for so long. i don’t have feelings for you anymore, but…”

“it’s all we knew. we spent our entire adolescence together, and we’re both the sentimental type. talk about a double homicide.”

“yeah, i guess that’s why… can you stop looking at me like that? it makes me sad.”

“why does this feel like another breakup?”

“i’m initiating this one, though. you got the first one.”

“fuck you.”

“one last time?”

she punches his shoulder and he can’t help but laugh. she joins in.

they start to collect nearby rocks and arrange it in a small circle. they continue to talk to fill the silence, and its then that she asks the question he’s been hoping to avoid. “so what happened with mariah? unless that’s still a fresh wound, i know it was only recently that the two of you split.” it makes him pause and look at her with an awkward smile on his face.

“i wasn’t ready to let you go. so while i had feelings for mariah, i was still entertaining the thought of ‘what if rach and i fall in love again’ in my head. i couldn’t do that to her. not be fully committed and all that. that’s just not me. and then when she ended things with me i just… i realized i needed to let you go. that this is why i can’t see myself dating someone else because i keep thinking about you.”

“…. me too….”

“i know. i’m not the only one with stuff to burn.”

there’s a silence that follows that. they begin to dump the contents of their boxes into the center of the rocks, and like some sort of twisted storybook - tyler immediately recognizes the first photo they took and printed out together as a couple that lays on the very top. they were just kids back then, and the smiles on their faces practically screamed out ‘this is my person!’

“i loved you.” it doesn’t matter who says it first, because the other is quick to reply, “i loved you, too.”

a match is tossed into the pile and the world begins to burn.

[worshipme]

nothing but a disappointment. || a self-para penned by sora for mayhemhq's HOOK

his vision is blurry but tyler's wearing his glasses. the screen in front of him is just a blur of white in the dark room he's sitting in. nothing feels real to him. he knows he has the computer mouse in one hand and the other is clenched tightly in a fist. he can't feel them. he knows he's sitting in his chair with his feet pressed into the ground. he can't feel them. he knows his chest is rising and falling with every breath he takes. it's the only thing he can hear.

it hurts to move - to unclench his fist to pull his glasses off of his face and set them down on the desk. he leans forward, propping his elbows up on the desk and hiding his face in his hands. he feels his body run cold as he thinks of his family. his family that had sent him off to college with smiles on their faces because there was no doubt in their mind that tyler wouldn't succeed.

everything was handed to him. the perfect path laid down at his feet to ensure that he'd be successful in life. in just freshman year of high school, tyler was already in the top 100 lacrosse players and had schools bidding for him before he committed to one. he had private tutors hired specifically by his parents so that he could maintain his academic profile all while attending mixed martial arts classes on the side. he even had his own nutritionist to ensure that he'd be at tip-top shape to be the star athlete wherever he went.

they trusted this would continue in college even without them having to tell him. "you're 18 now - an adult! i have no doubt that you'll be the best no matter what. after all, you know what to do now, we've taught you well. i love you." his father's voice echoes in his head.

he's a disappointment. he's a disappointment. he's a disappointment. he's a disappointment. he's a disappointment. he's a disappointment. he's a disappointment. he's a disappointment. he's a disappointment. he's a disappointment. he's a disappointment. he's a disappointment.

tyler wails, but it doesn't change the email that's on the screen.

Dear Tyler Senerchia, I regret to inform you of your dismissal from bachelors studies in Fashion Marketing based upon the recommendation of that department in the College. This dismissal is based on your poor academic performance, representing lack of progress towards degree.