#время врубать мелазде

[eldrichfuck666]

Back to be Away Forever

Hi, dear tumblr people. You probably think that you're having a fever dream or something - considering how long I have been away. A whole year off tumblr. A lot, I know. I missed you dearly, but I'm not really there to return. I just wanted to say something. Something very, very important.

First of all. I've come to realize that I am trans. So, hello again - now my name is Alexander. And I use he/him pronouns - from the April 19th of this year. I've come out to my parents, my closest friends and coworkers. I feel much more content with myself now.

During this whole year, I've been through a rather impossible journey - at least, that's how it seemed to me at first. (And btw, I'm now transitioning. Medically. I've had my breast surgery scheduled to the February of the next, approaching year. Took me... long to realize, did it? And it's all bs that testosterone makes you more aggressive or smth. At least, for me - I feel much more mature and at peace now that I don't silently hate my own body anymore. No more mood swings and outbirsts.

People who hate themselves (and sometimes, not even realize it, like I mostly did - I... I hated not just the body I was born into, but my race. It is... hard to admit, but I struggled a lot with the inner antiblackness that I had towards myself) tend to hate others more. Or... other living things. My hate wasn't directed at people, though - but at creatures that may seem less, but... they're not. I'm truly sorry about the whole insect debacle - I had a very disgusting attitude towards it, and I did know what I was encouraging here. It wasn't a mistake. It was a very, very disdiracted (or whatever is the word) hate and just... overall, not the right mindset. Horrible. Absolutely disgusting for an adult to have. I'm truly sorry. I regained the empathy that I should've had at the very start. I can't imagine how disturbing it was to read... all that. Truly disgusting. And while I didn't overcome the fear (for me, it is still a phobia that I can't really do much about - although, on meds I feel much less unnecessary hatred. Just terror. That's all. I apologize to every single person who has empathy I didn't have. I'm sorry for hurting and making you uncomfortable. It's absolutely shameful and shouldn't have ever happened.

And I fear that this hellsite (I know that it's how twitter is usually referred to, but... well.) made my mental health way, way worse - there's so much hatred, unnecessary drama and overally, not very good people... and for some reason, death threads and other scary, scary stuff that I couldn't react more gracefully to because of how dark was the place where I've been mentally. it would've been all much better if I weren't there in the first place. 2023 was... very, very bad for me. I know blaming it on social media is not very good, but it truly affected me terribly. I regret most of it. While it was a beautiful outlet for creativity, it was also very mentally heavy. Too heavy for me to lift at the time. I should've realized it earlier. I am so fucking sorry.

But... what I don't regret was meeting you. All, all of you still here - and those who have been here with me for some time. I know how unbearable I was sometimes, and I don't know how you (who stayed there) stayed with me longer than one post. One message. Yet... you didn't leave. And you're my very reason for the change.

And to my dear, dear friends, my beloved moots that I've made along the way - I love you all and I sincerely hope that you're in a good place and you're safe. Thank you for the support, for being with me when I was so very hateful, thank you for trying to make me see sense and have discussions. Thank you for being with me mentally thought the years I've been on tumblr. You... you made me reconsider my whole life. And I'm rather lucky that it happened in the start of my twenties - when I am still not so far gone. Each of you, I owe my heart and soul. ❤️

Пишу вам, с огромной любовью (и немного хаотическим сообщением, как обычно) и искренней просьбой о прощении, Ксандер (ну или... По русски, Сашка, наверное? Ужасно, я в курсе.)

P.S. Возможно, через пару месяцев или лет... Вы увидите знакомых персонажей на обложке какой-то неопределённой, странной недо-книги. Может, вы услышите о новом инди авторе - а может, нет. Я начал активно писать - и это оказалось куда более лучшим способом контролировать свой гнев, чем что-либо ещё.

Maybe, you'll hear a familiar name or see familiar features in the author. At first, in German - where I'm most confident in. But who knows... I can't promise anything, but I promise that I won't forget you. Forget your care, your guidance, your love for me... But I feel like the decision I've made is good for both me and all of you.

Because there's pleasant, necessity solitude in writing - I felt like I've regained my sense of self when I began. I have much to work on - especially when it comes to my own being and health. But I can't express this enough - how much you've changed me.

На этом, с любовью и горечью в сердце, я прощаюсь. Оба мои блога будут удалены через два дня - прямо перед новым годом. Thank you for everything. I will never forget you.