#£100 is as much as I can do I'm a uni student who lives off theit maintenance but this money is from my job which I use to pad my budget | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

finex7 · 2 years ago

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Luminifera Yesterday at 11:30 AM

> hello neroooo

> nerooooooo. with the ooh sound

> hahahahah

> another day... possibly more pool time!

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:37 AM

> Lmao

> Yassss

> I won't go today but you enjoy!

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:38 AM

> I hope I will. I have an insane amount of anxiety right now out of nowhere.

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:38 AM

> aw

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:38 AM

> then again, I have insane amounts of anxiety almost every day xD

> there's this medication I wanna try, but I'm dreading spending 100 BRL per month on it... when I already spend a lot on my other medications too

> then again, I probably should. 100 per month isn't that much. I can afford it. it's just... ah... spending money hurts me emotionally.

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:40 AM

> What does it do

> How many meds are you on

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:41 AM

> I'm not sure actually hahah I had looked it up but I forgot now hehe

> I'm on 2 daily ones

> desvenlafaxine in the morning, it's a dual antidepressant. inhibits recapture of serotonin and norepinephrine

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:43 AM

> Interesting

> Did it help

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:44 AM

> trazodone at night. it's a... an antidepressant

> Trazodone is an antidepressant that belongs to a group of drugs called serotonin receptor antagonists and reuptake inhibitors (SARIS).

> huh, so it... disables the receptors or something?

> I forgot all I knew about pharmacology...

[[NeroFas Did it help]]

> all I know is that I'm worse without it. hahah

> so I guess it does help.

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:46 AM

> Ok Imao

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:48 AM

> I can't function without desvenlafaxine. if I go without it for 2 days or more, I get really moody, very irritable, crying easily, head gets foggy and dizzy, etc

> symptoms increase with the time I go without it.

> without trazodone, I can't sleep.

> it makes me sleepy.

> I started taking it last year when I started having insomnia, on my last month of uni

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:49 AM

> I see

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:49 AM

> yeah.

> but those are withdrawal symptoms.

> if I slowly lower the dosage, I can wean myself out. it's what I did with lithium and quetiapine

> so I don't take them anymore.

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:51 AM

> Good idea

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:52 AM

> i was doing the same with desvenlafaxine, but then the "last semester of uni + graduation + drastic change from student to worker" combo hit me so hard xD

> 2022 was difficult for me.

> and then I lost olive, too.

> he's not dead. but he might as well be. in fact, it'd be easier if he was

> I think my therapist misjudged how harshly it would affect me.

> she's the one who suggested me being straightforward.

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:54 AM

> Sorry that happened

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:54 AM

> it was like ripping off a band-aid.

> but the wound underneath wasn't healed

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:55 AM

> Yeah mood

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:55 AM

> and so it's been exposed. anything that touched it hurt so badly.

> it's a bit better now.

> but sometimes it still feels like the pain is unbearable.

> I couldn't imagine living without him. but now I am forced to.

> he was my lifeline for so many years

> now I have to force myself to swim. but I haven't learned it yet

> wow, what a way to start the day hahah

> I'm sorry I'm talking about this

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:57 AM

> No it's ok

> I am having my own What a Way to Start the Day

Luminifera Yesterday at 3:07 PM

> yes pool but it started raining so we came to the tiny heated pool that is indoors

Luminifera Yesterday at 5:17 PM

> feeling awful now

[[Luminifera feeling awful now]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 5:18 PM

> I made a comment about my friend's insecurity and offended her on accident.

> she was sad about it.

Luminifera Yesterday at 5:31 PM

> it's not because of that. I have identified the source of my distress.

> it's her girlfriend and one of her girlfriend's friends.

> they don't like me. I'm sure of it.

> they think I'm annoying and they can't stand me. I feel it.

> it's the vibe.

> they see me as a burden.

> it's a similar vibe that I get from autumn and mel sometimes, but luckily I've never been with them in person.

[[Luminifera it's a similar vibe that I get from autumn and mel sometimes]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 5:37 PM

> similar but much worse.

> autumn and mel are nice about it.

> not that these girls are rude or anything. it's the coldness in their eyes. the expressions of disgust in their faces.

> they're not saying anything, but their body language spits, "I don't want you here".

> I don't want anyone to see me cry.

Luminifera Yesterday at 5:47 PM

> having a kpop group as my screen saver and phone background might be cringe when other people see it, but it always makes me feel better to see them

> it's like they're guardian angels. muses. imaginary friends.

> like, I know they're real people whom I know nothing about xD but I'm talking about the persona they have as a group.

> if I ever saw them irl, I'd want to thank them for doing their job very well.

> excellent idols.

> my imaginary friends irene, seulgi, wendy, joy and yeri

> they're supposedly the imaginary friends of a little girl who made them up as personalities for her dolls, to play with. or something. it's a "theory" about their group hahahah. "lore" as the kids say it

> it works like that for me.

> it has a calming effect on me.

> I also like that they're color coded.

> my beautiful friends in their colorful gingham dresses.

[[Luminifera they're not saying anything, but their body language spits, "I don't want you here".]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 6:03 PM

> I can't stand up to them and I think this makes them dislike me even more.

> because then I'm the victim, right? and that's disgusting to them. that I offended someone, and yet, I'm the one who acts all shy and small and hiding

> nevermind that it wasn't on purpose. in fact that would make it worse.

> because I'm not even an asshole.

> I'm just weak. disgusting.

> and then I keep acting weak (because I'm scared of them), which is even more disgusting.

> of course, I'm just making this all up in my head. all those reasons and rationale and connections between things.

> but the disgust is real. I can sense it. I know it.

> just like I can look at the sky and know that it's gray.

> I don't want to go downstairs to eat, because she's there.

> and she helped make the food.

> worse, she lives somewhat close to my neighborhood, so the others might have the idea of having me go back home in her car with her.

> I really really really don't want that.

> and I'll bet she doesn't want it either, but she'll do it if everyone agrees it's best.

Luminifera Yesterday at 6:11 PM

> this is something that I absolutely hate: the way everything is always veiled. never out in the open.

> they will never admit that they dislike me

> so if I say anything, I'm crazy. I'm imagining things. I'm victimizing myself. it gives them even more reason to dislike me.

> my friend's gf at least sometimes feels bad for being cold to me. but I don't think her friend feels anything for me but disgust and indifference.

Luminifera Yesterday at 6:44 PM

> crying makes everything worse.

> i don't like feeling unwelcome. but this is the worst: feeling unwelcome by some, but others want you to be there. so you can't just leave.

[[Luminifera worse, she lives somewhat close to my neighborhood, so the others might have the idea of having]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 7:04 PM

> guess what was decided

> I'd rather go by bus. really really rather do that.

> I'm now trying to build up the courage to go tell them about it.

> I'm also thinking about [redacted]

> in that you could fall asleep peacefully, and then die. like... is there a better possible suicide method? imagine? you just fall asleep and then you're dead?

> best course of action.

> I think I'll just. hide somewhere. and then they'll go without me.

> I wish I hadn't come. I wish I'd stayed home.

> I'm so sorry for the trouble I'm going to cause them. I really am. but I can't do this.

Luminifera Yesterday at 7:24 PM

> gonna try to find a place to hide. wish me luck.

[[Luminifera if I ever saw them irl, I'd want to thank them for doing their job very well.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 8:12 PM

> I completely understand

Luminifera Yesterday at 8:17 PM

> I'm hiding.

> they will be angry with me.

> rebeka especially.

> she's my friend's gf.

> she will probably try to convince them to leave me here.

> maybe my friends will agree. I wouldn't blame them.

> I am being obnoxious.

> I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. for them. I didn't want to do this.

> I was just too scared. I'm terrified. I can't take it.

> I'm... I don't know what I am.

> but I couldn't take it.

> I ran away.

> I'm hiding from the rain by the side of a church.

> it's really raining a lot.

> my friends will be angry.

> it's good that they're angry.

[[Luminifera worse, she lives somewhat close to my neighborhood, so the others might have the idea of having]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 8:20 PM

> she went home by herself.

> I haven't asked anyone. but I suppose things were rearranged so that I'd come back with my friend and rebeka.

> but I'm scared. I'm really scared of her.

> I don't know why. I'm not sure why I'm so scared of her. I don't know what in her is so terrifying.

> I couldn't stand it. it was too much. I was huddling and crying. I couldn't. I couldn't stay there.

> it's good if my friends are angry at me and like me less. because they'll miss me less when I die.

> if they leave me here, I'll find a way home. I dont know how. maybe i can ask someone in this church to take me to the bus station.

> I have my phone with me. and my card.

> and a water bottle.

> and my jacket.

[[Luminifera I don't want to go downstairs to eat, because she's there.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 8:23 PM

> Go compliment the food!

Luminifera Yesterday at 8:23 PM

> that's all I have. everything else was in my bags. my friend put them in the car.

[[NeroFas Go compliment the food!]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 8:24 PM

> I did not like the food. I ate it because I know my body needs food. and because I didn't want to offend them by not eating.

[[Luminifera I really really really don't want that.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 8:24 PM

> Have you considered your negativity is self creating? Maybe she thinks you hate her

Luminifera Yesterday at 8:25 PM

> I don't even have my earbuds... I should have put it in my pocket. but I didn't. it's in my backpack.

> rebeka will be angry if she put it in the trunk and then I ask for it. I think she put it in the trunk though. I don't want to ask.

> I don't want to have to deal with any of that.

> my friend is calling me. the male one. he's angry with me, I know it. I'm not answering the calls.

> hate me. please. go on and just hate me. leave me here.

> and don't forgive me.

[[NeroFas Have you considered your negativity is self creating? Maybe she thinks you hate her]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 8:26 PM

> oh she does not, they know I don't hate any of them

> this woman is preaching quite the sermon at this church.

> it's about hiding in fear.

> ironic!

> I should go back.

> but I'm scared.

> they will be angry.

> I don't want to face their anger.

[[Luminifera it's good that they're angry.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 8:57 PM

> Why

> Oh I see what you said for why

> What a bad day

> When you go back you can say you went for a walk and ironically went to church

> Its ok, you didn't do anything bad

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:05 PM

> they found me.

> they're very angry.

> they're all wet from the rain.

> another three of them went looking too, but they left their phones in the house.

> I am absolutely terrified.

> I cannot interact with them. it's not safe.

> I hope they hate me.

> I hope it works.

[[NeroFas Its ok, you didn't do anything bad]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:07 PM

> yes I did.

> I ran away. they're all wet because of me. 3 people are still walking around in the rain looking for me.

> I hope they all hate me forever and ever.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:07 PM

> Oh they are so stupid for not bringing their phones

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:07 PM

> I hope they don't want to be friends with me anymore

[[Luminifera I hope they all hate me forever and ever.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:08 PM

> You don't actually want that

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:08 PM

> I don't. I'll be very sad. but that will help. the sadder i am, the easier it will be to further convince myself that I should die

> so I'll be less scared of it.

> why is that my plan, nero?

> why do I want to die?

> my family will be devastated.

> ohhhhh but I'm sure rebeka hates me. for sure now.

> she never liked me. now she hates me I bet.

> unfortunately that solves nothing. if the others don't hate me too.

> my friend's brother's friends were very nice to me.

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:10 PM

> rebeka is super upset. I'm scared.

> I'm scared.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:10 PM

> I think you still mentally only opérate with the perspective of things not being ok

> So you have to convince yourself they're not ok

[[NeroFas I think you still mentally only opérate with the perspective of things not being ok So you have to convince]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:10 PM

> And then maybe you make things worse lol

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:10 PM

> why did I run away. it's worse now. oh god.

> I'm scared.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> See i think you crave things to be bad

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> I'm really really scared

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> Of what?

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> I should have just walked into the sea

> I'm scared of her.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> Why

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> I don't know

> she is profoundly scary

> I have snot all over my face.

> from all the crying.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> Why don't you apologize to her and say you've been overwhelmed

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:12 PM

> bc that will fix nothing.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:12 PM

> It will make you less afraid of her

> Try talking to her

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:12 PM

> it will make them all even more mad at me.

> especially her.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:12 PM

> No it won't lol

> She might not be nice but they will not be mad at you

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:13 PM

> my friend is sick. she has a very sore throat. she had a fever for the past two days. she prescribed herself antibiotics and bought them today though

> but then she went out in the rain to look for me. with no jacket.

> she's all wet and it's my fault. she will get sicker.

> it's my fault

> they want to call my mother.

> they'll tell her.

> my mom will be super worried

> well, fuck that. my mom is fucking stupid. I'm kind of fed up with her.

[[NeroFas She might not be nice but they will not be mad at you]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:14 PM

> they are and will be even madder at me

> bc I did this to them. I ran away. and so they went out looking for me

[[Luminifera but then she went out in the rain to look for me. with no jacket.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:16 PM

> Aw she cares about you

> Lumi it's ok to walk away you're an adult

> This isn't running away this is taking a walk

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:17 PM

> no. I didn't tell anyone I was going.

> they were very worried.

> I have decided. I will tell them what I did. and why (to the best of my abilities).

> I don't know why I'm so scared of rebeka. I have no idea. but it is a very real fear.

> when the missing people come back.

> which I hope they do soon.

> my head hurts.

[[NeroFas Lumi it's ok to walk away you're an adult]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:19 PM

> I told myself this.

> I think I'm now going to be an adult with no friends.

> it's what I deserve.

[[Luminifera it's what I deserve.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:21 PM

> See, you crave things to be bad

> Deny yourself and let them be good

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:55 PM

> they won't be good.

> they don't want to be my friends anymore.

> they think I had a childish attitude.

> I think... I think they don't understand.

> what it's like. to be terrified.

> incredibly enough, it appears that my friend's brother and his friends understood.

> some of them. his girlfriend looked me in the eyes and said she definitely understood me.

> she's only 21.

> he also looked like he got it.

> I think they're depressed too. they must know what it's like.

> I think I had a psychotic break.

> back to the blackboard. drawing the plan to kill myself.

> nero, I know I sabotage myself. I'm sorry.

> I feel like writing letters.

> I'm so sorry for my self, even. this person... she could be someone amazing

> if only someone else lived inside her.

> she could have been so happy...

> you hate me too, right?

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:01 PM

> No lol, and if that's an indicator of your "other ppl hate me" it might not be very accurate haha

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:01 PM

> but my friends DO hate me now. I'm sure of it

> they don't want to be my friends anymore.

> they say it's not my person that they don't like. it's my attitudes

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:01 PM

> I doooo think you had something go on today

> A break down of some kind

> Maybe your therapist can help make sense of it

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:01 PM

> they don't understand that it makes no difference.

> and that it's in fact worse.

> because no matter what I do... how good I try to be... I can try my best.

> my attitudes are never enough.

[[NeroFas Maybe your therapist can help]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:02 PM

> I don't deserve therapy

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:03 PM

> You are trying to sabotage yourself again lol

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:03 PM

> I will go see her. my therapist.

> and tell her all of this.

[[NeroFas You are trying to sabotage yourself again lol]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:03 PM

> losing my friends was part of it.

> nero. I'm scared.

> I'm scared that I really am going to kill myself.

> I don't want to die

> help me

> I don't know what to do

> I'm scared...

> I'm scared. I'm scared.

> I miss olive.

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:05 PM

> What did he say in times like this?

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:09 PM

> I don't know.

> he always knew how to calm me down.

> I'm very scared and there's nothing I can do. no running anymore. I'm stuck in a car with them.

> they hate me.

> nero, I don't understand. help me understand.

> they went out in the rain looking for me. they were worried. but they weren't happy to find me. they were just very angry. they think I was childish.

> I don't understand if they care about me or not.

> she said it was a loss of trust.

> what I did.

> that she can't trust me if I'll run away after any fight or disagreement.

> does that mean they cared about me, but now they don't anymore?

> I don't understand.

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:20 PM

> I feel like... it's like what olive felt.

> like I'm too much work.

> they don't want to feel responsible for me anymore. just like he did.

> so they drop me.

> they don't care if that makes me worE.

> worse*. in the end, only my family will remain

> if I kill myself, will they care?

> will they feel bad for having dropped me.

> I don't think so.

> I think they would be relieved.

> that they didn't have to watch me die.

> that they did a good thing by leaving me. because i was a lost cause.

[[Luminifera they went out in the rain looking for me. they were worried. but they weren't happy to find me. they were]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:22 PM

> They do care about you but they were frustrated

[[Luminifera that they did a good thing by leaving me. because i was a lost cause.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:24 PM

> You make up awful stories about your friends unu

> Sorry I'm not more helpful by the way

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:27 PM

> I want to run away again. far away.

> and just... be alone...

> nero

> I think

> subconsciously

> I didn't think they were good friends to me.

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:28 PM

> Maybe not the people for you. You don't like party people

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:28 PM

> so when I weighed it... the pros and cons. I did it unconsciously I'm sure of it. I always weigh everything.

> I knew they would be angry

> I knew it and I thought it was worth it

> they act like of course they wouldn't just leave me

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:29 PM

> You wanted it maybe

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:29 PM

> but I really, really thought they would.

> leave without me.

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:29 PM

> I still think your unconscious is your bully

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:30 PM

> she is very mean to me. but she wants me to survive. she's concerned for my safety.

> I like the song that's playing right now.

> it's about time.

> a beautiful brazilian song from the 80s.

> listen when you can, if you want. Tempo Perdido - Legiao Urbana

> I was surprised with the gentleness with which my friend's brother's friends treated me.

> the kindness they showed.

> I had not expected them to care about me, in the least. literally. thought they wouldn't care at all

[[NeroFas I still think your unconscious is your bully]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:35 PM

> no. the bully is in my consciousness.

> my subconscious is just worried about my safety.

> my subconscious... is the victim.

> she's the part of me that constantly victimizes herself... because it's all she knows.

> if there's no abuser... she makes one up.

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:42 PM

> Why do you want to be the victim

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:42 PM

> I don't think I want to

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:42 PM

> I wonder if it's bc you were raised by someone like that

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:42 PM

> I think she doesn't know how to be someone else.

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:42 PM

> Like I have no reason to be nervous about the things my mom is nervous about

> And yet I am

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:45 PM

> so she always reverts to that. it's what she knows.

> yes. having being raised by the victim: "this is the blueprint. this is how to be."

> my grandma is not like that. I wonder what happened to my mom.

> I have a feeling... a want. to be totally honest and open with my grandma when I arrive.

> ah, it won't come true.

> she will be asleep.

> and when I wake up tomorrow... I will be shy again.

> nero, can I ask you to help me with it?

> tell me to do it. to open up with her.

> she will tell and the whole family will know, but...

> you know what? I'm so tired of this game of pretending.

> pretending everything's fine.

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:48 PM

> You should definitely tell her about your feelings and experience

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:48 PM

> this stupid game that my family likes to play

> I think it's ridiculous.

> we're not strangers. we're family. we're supposed to help and support each other, not gossip and judge each other! of course some gossip and judging is unavoidable, and that's ok. but it shouldn't be the focus, never!

> I will tell her this, too.

> I'm not fine.

> I'm really really struggling. my whole life is changing... so fast.

> I feel like I am awakening. like I was just born.

> "oh, my life... is changing every day... in every possible way."

[[Luminifera I didn't think they were good friends to me.]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:55 PM

> now that I think on it...

> I have been thinking that for a while.

> a good while!

> I told my friend that I was hesitant to go on this trip with them. because I was already scared of rebeka.

> she said it would be fine, she doesn't dislike me, it'll be fun etc

> then I was worried about the food. bc I know I'm... particular about what I eat.

> then I was worried about sleeping.

[[Luminifera I feel like I am awakening. like I was just born.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:59 PM

> That's kind of awesome tbh

[[Luminifera I told my friend that I was hesitant to go on this trip with them. because I was already scared of rebeka.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:00 PM

> Aw you should not have gone

> (Is ok to run away and cry sometimes I just did that too)

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:16 PM

> I slept just fine. I ate the food, didn't enjoy it, but I didn't starve. I managed to have some fun some of the time.

> but in the end, it was my fear. of people. I didn't feel comfortable around them, that's the truth of it, and that's what made this happen. that's it.

> anyway. perhaps... perhaps I am a very perceptive person and rebeka does have something in her for me to be scared about. or perhaps I'm just insane.

> probably both!

> I will write letters to them: my friend's brother and his friends. and my male friend's boyfriend, edson.

> they were kind to me. actually, Edson was the only one who reacted like what I now think I would have reacted too, had I been in their place instead... angry and upset, yes, but also very relieved. firm and stern about "never do that again! you shouldn't have done that!", but also making a little joke about how he went looking for me, and he hugged me before leaving.

[[NeroFas (Is ok to run away and cry sometimes I just did that too)]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:17 PM

> you just ran away to cry?

> what happened?

> tell me, I want to help if I can

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:24 PM

> it's okay if you don't want to open up.

> I understand that people like me don't seem capable of listening... and being helpful.

> because we're so fragile

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:25 PM

> Oh i just had a bad day and something stupid set me off

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:25 PM

> tell me about it?

[redacted]

[[NeroFas Obviously I am also bothered by your day but don't feel bad for telling me]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:34 PM

> I feel like I'm going to be alright.

> I'm not going to die.

> I'm going to live!

> I'm going to make friends.

> other friends.

> somehow. I'll find people for me.

> people who want me in their lives... people who don't make me feel like an afterthought?

> people who don't think mental illness is childish.

> I'm glad neither of those friends want to be psychiatrists anymore. they used to, you know?

> I think I'll be a great one. if i do go that route.

> maybe that's my fate, and this is why I suffer so much: because my future patients need me to understand their pain.

> that would make a beautiful story, wouldn't it?

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:46 PM

> I'm home.

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:55 PM

> just looked in the mirror.

> despite everything, it's still me.

> I am myself.

[[Luminifera people who want me in their lives... people who don't make me feel like an afterthought?]]

NeroFas Today at 12:07 AM

> They are out there

> But I'm thinking you're just trying to make me feel better

Luminifera Today at 12:36 AM

> hmm?

[redacted]

Luminifera Today at 12:37 AM

> I spent some time on youtube just now. distracting my mind a bit

> now it's time to shower and sleep.

> I am hungry, but I also feel nauseous.

NeroFas Today at 12:39 AM

> I'm cooking

> Frying tofu for my friend

Luminifera Today at 1:21 AM

> spent more time on my phone...

> now I really don't need it.

[[NeroFas Frying tofu for my friend]]

Luminifera Today at 1:22 AM

> looks yummy!

> I miss eating yummy food

[[Luminifera now I really don't need it.]]

NeroFas Today at 1:32 AM

> Don't need what ?

Luminifera Today at 1:52 AM

> to spend time on my phone.

> didn't need to be distracted anymore.

> I am thinking out at length about what to write to my friends.

> can I send it to you eventually? so you can tell me what you think

> it's okay if you don't want to

> I don't want to pester you

Nero Fas Today at 1:57 AM

> How will you send them to them? And sure

Luminifera Today at 2:05 AM

> i was thinking about writing and sending them as actual letters

> would make it more meaningful and would also mean I'd have to double and triple and quadruple check my words.

Luminifera Today at 12:44 PM

> hello

> I woke up. my mom is here too. :)

> grandma is making lunch.

> I feel better.

> oh, you should definitely adopt a dog if you dreamed about it!!!

> I forgot what I dreamed about tonight.

Luminifera Today at 1:47 PM

> feeling nervous.

Luminifera Today at 2:00 PM

> anxious...

Luminifera Today at 2:39 PM

> my tummy hurts from it. the anxiety.

> do you think I should tell my grandma about how it was?

> it's like I swallowed all these feelings and now they're bubbling up in my stomach, wanting to come back up.

Luminifera Today at 2:51 PM

> I feel absolutely defeated

Luminifera Today at 3:02 PM

> I feel like my friends don't know what it's like to be in fear

> they didn't understand

> I don't know what they think of me

> but they don't think the truth

> they didnt... they didn't see... they saw something else... I couldn't make myself understood...

> I want to run away from all of this... not them and that specific situation. but this world. this society. I don't understand it. I'm scared of it. I don't want to live in it.

> it's scary.

#long post #conversation

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wherestoriescomefrom · 3 years ago

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i'm just thinking out loud really, but for anyone who needs to know this: as a student, you should also unionise.

i don't really see a lot of discourse about this on here (this is an america centric website, and god knows i don't know what US student politics look like), but for what it's worth - you should 100% be unionising your universities for student centred government. in india, practically all of our public unis have strong elected student governments - whether they are good or not is another issue. my point is, that it isn't just workers who have to unionise their workplace. as a student, you are also an economic category - you have a right to ask for better working conditions. whether that is better hostel food, lower tuition fees, lack of hot water in dorms, or even access to labs after hours. you are within your rights to make these demands, because you are providing a vast amount of labour for your universities that make them publicly or financially viable investments. you are the ones winning them awards, you're the ones attending classes and writing research under their name.

and even if you are not doing any of that, you still have a right to unionise your university spaces and demand more. in my previous university, every school had an elected body, every year of every department had an elected representative, and our main student union fought for everything from fee hikes, farcical proceedings for professors who were involved in sexual harassment, to the delay in scholarship disbursal. you cannot fight these battles alone. when i was in uni, it was unheard of to go to the admin to solve your problems - you first spoke to your elected representative. and okay, these are huge major issues at the university level - but even if you find yourself unable to finish an exam and you're faced with a hard ass prof who doesn't want to give any relaxation - your union is where you go. you may not need the entire student body behind you, but on one memorable occasion, our entire class organised so that we could have the course requirements adjusted for the sake of the pandemic. another pandemic situation! a lot of students in delhi actually live in pgs, and they all organised during the first lockdown to avoid having to pay their pg owners vast sums of money that would have been unaffordable.

academia is a deeply classist, racist, sexist, and (in the case of india) casteist institution. you do not have to hand over your labour for no reason. you are also an economic category, and a doubly complicated one because you are doing all of that work somewhat for free. universities have off late been framed as products - with students as consumers. this is simply not true. you are not a consumer. i don't even know if you can call a student a worker. what i do know is that you are just as much an economic category in the cog of the machine that is the university, and as such, it is your right to ask for better everything. better access to mental health, wholesale reduction of homework requirements, better food, better living conditions, better working conditions, better availability of twenty four hour reading rooms, better everything.

you can do it. i believe in you. less dark academia for the aesthetics, more academia for the sustained and constant organisation of student politics. let's go.

#hello void this is ridiculosity #indian politics #modernity and all the problems that come with it #politics #unionisation #student unions #im in a private uni for the first time in my life and my god the things teachers can get away with here.#this is unbelievable #a student had a very serious family emergency and the prof just failed him????#litcherally wouldn't have been possible in a public uni. the prof would have been heckled to oblivion #even the teachers unions would have turned against them #god i miss public unis. i have to pass the net folks i have to i can't stay here this SUCKS

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theambitiouswoman · 3 years ago

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Hello! I’ve followed you for a while now and have followed a lot of the advice you give. If you’d be willing to answer this, I’d be very thankful. If not, that’s okay too, I understand. So, I’m going into my last 2 years of high school this year and I’m torn. The school I’m going to currently has a great reputation and a good learning environment. I have friends that I’ve known there for years since before I was in high school but there’s also some current issues in my friend group and there’s lots of fights and tension as of now. My friend group is usually great but there’s a few people in it who are causing lots of tension and my other friends said they would talk to them about it and try to resolve the situation. Generally, the people in my year group are awful and I have a lot of bad history with many of them. I really don’t want this to negatively impact my last years in high school. Its difficult to deal with but I’ve already been dealing with it for years. I’d be glad to never see their faces again after high school. But Its also among the top ratings (somewhere in the 30s) in my country and uni’s love the school and generally accept a lot of its students. Another con is that the school fees are expensive and has created a lot of financial stress for my family and I’ve noticed just how exhausted my parents are and how hard they work in paying it off. I talked to my dad about it and he said that he’d be willing to pay the fees for another 2 years but it would be a relief to not have to pay so much money if I went to another school. There’s another school in my area that is also a private school but is noticeably cheaper. It would take a lot of stress off my parents if I went there. But it’s not as high on the ratings (among the 130 or 120s) and I don’t know anyone who goes there. I’d be essentially friendless. And if I stayed at the school I’m currently at, I’d only be there for 2 more years. But if I do decide to change schools and I don’t like it at the new one, I would be unable to go back to the old one. The old one has a really long waiting list. I’m not sure what to do. Should I continue going to the school I’m at currently or should I go to the other one? What do you think you would do in this situation, if you’re willing to give some advice?

hi! so these are very important decisions you have to make and i don't want to give you just my opinion and have any sway in your decisions. so i'm going to give you different perspectives and you can decide what, if anything, resonates with you and makes sense.

first of all, most of the people you know in high school are not going to be a part of your life once you move on to college. college is not high school by any means of the word. most of the friends you have now wont always be your friend.

i know you're having issues with them now, but honestly, are they going to matter a year, 5 years, even 6 months from now? probably not. people argue. we have disagreements. its very normal.

i think its very admirable and speaks volumes of your character to consider the financial burden this has on your parents. i kind of think you're focusing more on it because you're having a hard time in school. its normal. we're human. i don't know what country you live in and the importance of the high school you go to and the direct affect it has on what college you can get admitted to. but more important i would assume to be your grades and extra curricular agenda.

sure, you can go to another school and not know anyone. and that wont be easy. but right now you're struggling in a school with people you know.. so wouldn't it be harder for you to emotionally deal with a school where no one knows you?

personally, i believe that you should be focusing on your grades and classes. like i said, all of the drama with your friends group is 100% not going to matter (i know that would be hard to believe for you now, but its the truth).

the way i see it, your parents struggle and work their butt off to make sure you are going to the best school and you wanting to leave it is running away from your problems. your parents obviously sacrificed to make sure you have the best education and you owe it to them to return on that and make them proud. get the best grades and make sure you get into a great college. that should really be your priority.

i wouldn't like to see you base your decisions off of how other people are currently making you feel. those people don't pay your school or are going to get you into college. please remember that <3 stay away from the drama and keep your eye on the prize baby girl. two years is nothing :)

personal story: i had the worst time in highschool. got bullied alot. barely had friends, and none were in my break periods. it was lonely. i would actually cry cause i didn't want to go to school. my solution was i got into a work experience program, so i was only in school half a day, in which i had AP classes (Advanced Placement) and the other half i would be off school and working my first job.

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v-hope · 3 years ago

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How did you cope with not feeling good enough while studying law? (if you ever felt like that)

Three weeks passed since I started and I already feel that I'm not living up to it and think I might be extremely unhappy if I continue to study law.

I don't know how it is in other countries but in Germany the grading system is absolutely brutal and the only thing that matters is that you pass, a good grade is something you don't even dare to dream of (there are points 0-18, with 18 being the best, but most people don't even get a 10 and normally you just focus on passing but even that is difficult. I understand that it is brutal because you have a lot of responsibility but it really is discouraging)

It's very interesting but I don't know if that will be enough.

By the way the post about people not sharing notes is so true. There was a lecture which we all thought was not going to take place but in the end it did and some were not able to attend and so there was someone who asked in the group chat if somebody might be able to share their notes. One person gave a brief summary, but a girl asked another question and then they immediately took it to the privat chat.

oh, i’m sorry you’re feeling like that :( unfortunately that happens a lot in law school, usually from 500+ students that make it to first year, only less than 100 of them end up finishing the career, either bc it was not what they wanted or they got discouraged. just know that it’s completely normal to feel the way you do.

i may make it seem easy but i’ve struggled A LOT with the career, and i’m a year and a half behind bc the first year i made it to my dream law school and i hated it, ever since the first day i found myself wondering “what am i doing here” and by the end of the semester i went back home crying and refused to go back there bc i felt so anxious just by thinking of going there that i couldn’t cope with it at all. my parents ended up taking me to the psychiatric and turned out i had general anxiety plus depression, so i started being on medication and my parents convinced me to stay until the end of the year in said uni, but i kept feeling just as bad (when i tell you i would go to the bathroom just to lock myself there and cry in between classes), so by the end of the year i told them i couldn’t do it anymore.

i ended up changing to my second option law school on the second year and although some of the courses i had taken in my previous uni were validated so i wouldn’t have to take them again, i still had to start off from the first year all over again.

then everything seemed to go well bc i really liked my new uni and i made the best friends i could’ve found and my grades were great, up until the third year when i got another anxious/depressive breakdown and i wasn’t able to make it out of bed and i would just cry bc i couldn’t stop thinking bs to the point my head hurt like hell. SO, i took a semester off and got back on meds, and here we are now.

and honestly, up until this day, with me being a last year law student, i sometimes find myself wondering if this is truly what i want, but i’ve made it this far already so the least i can do is finish it lmao.

i’m telling you all this bc like i said, it’s normal to feel that way, my classmates are the same way, especially during exams when there’s a lot of pressure on our shoulders. just try to figure out whether you truly like this career and if you see yourself finishing it or not, because i’ve seen classmates drop out on third and even fourth year and that’s a lot of wasted time and energy so :/

and if you decide that you do like this career and it’s what you want to do, know that even then it’s normal to feel discouraged from time to time and wonder if you’re following the right path.

also, if you feel like it’s too much and your mental health starts deteriorating, don’t hesitate to get some professional help, it’s actually really usual for law students to seek professional help or to be on meds (unfortunately, honestly the system sucks for us to have to reach this point).

law is just a very competitive area, and the pressure is a lot. it consumes you, so try and get a healthy amount of sleep (trust me, i gave up sleep over studying for three years and that drove me to the breakdown i mentioned) and find a hobby, give yourself at least one hour a day to do something you enjoy and forget about the career, that way you’ll feel recharged to do your best in school.

so that’s how i’ve been coping these past few years. sleep a healthy amount, find a hobby, if you can try and work out (it helps me with anxiety), rely on your friends if you feel like this is all too much, take some time off if you need it, and don’t feel pressured to finish the career if you truly don’t like it or you just don’t feel like it. you’re still on time to follow another dream of yours.

i hope you feel better, bubs 💕

#ask #moonliivee

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bellamygateoldblog · 4 years ago

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So, I read a lot of your personal posts and I'm just really curious about you. You seem very stressed out and tired all the time. Are you a college student? Are you just in a financial situation that necessitates that you work all the time? I just feel bad because It seems that you do not absorb joy very much. Like, I have seen that you recently started watching that show The 100. You seem very pissed off about it and yet keep watching it? You confuse and intrigue me. Explain?

"it seems that you do not absorb joy very much" has been playing on my mind ever since i read this. It hit something close to my heart.

I know i’m not obligated to explain anything and i don’t tend to put my life online (i don’t have any social media, so that should give you an idea of how secretive i usually am) but i literally stayed awake for 30 hours straight before sleeping for 15 hours straight and of course i don’t feel very well after that lol. I feel like i need to talk through some things that i’ve been keeping to myself for a long time. Get it out of my head, stop carrying it around, maybe gain some control over it.

I never intend to make anyone feel bad though, but i don’t have anyone to talk to so i guess i sometimes make those posts as a substitute for someone listening. Or for me being pissed about the 100, i think that’s my mood translating into what i end up posting in general.

Anyways this is A Lot. I obviously don’t mind if you read it. Advice would be nice, if anyone has any.

I’m a 2nd year university student. Due to severe mental illness (often making me physically sick and exhausted) these last 2 years have been extremely difficult so that's left me in a very intense situation essentially just trying to ensure i pass the year. That means handing in all the assignments i deferred basically all at the same time, after not attending the year at all. Like no lectures, no workshops, no lessons, nothing past the first month of semester 1. It's really not an ideal situation and my condition isn't improving the way i thought it would (you know when you think ‘this is the worst it can possibly get’ and then it gets worse?), and i can't focus. I’m resourceful and naturally decently smart, so i’m able to still pass a year of uni without...going. I’ve become less capable over time but because of other life experience i don’t place value on academic excellence anymore and because of covid there is a benchmark anyway, where my grade can’t drop below a 2:2, so basically i’m good as long as i don’t recieve a fail grade on anything. But that being said it’s still really hard to get things done anyway despite this? especially with depression and concentration issues, because uni in general just makes me really unhappy and disrupts my entire life, and i’d rather do literally anything else.

I can’t function whenever thinking about school in general. If im stressed about something i can’t think about anything else and it ends up seeping into other things im doing.

I have a really clear idea of what i want for the next step in my life and university is the only route available to get to so that’s why i’m still going through all of this when i could technically just ‘stop’. I’ve explored other ideas already and it appears even more stressful and complicated to make a huge change now. Even though i know 3rd year will be harder (which is also a source of stress, anxiety over what’s to come when im already struggling...).

I've been talking to my uni the whole time and while they've been understanding and accommodating (psychology department...like...they Know lol), there's only so much they can do to help me. Everyone i’ve spoken to is genuienly amazed i am where i am, but imo my resilience is bourne out of pure spite not to let my life fall apart along with myself LMAO. I have one assignment deadline left which is tomorrow. It’s the hardest one yet, i haven’t started and i’m filled with dread, and i’m so burned out i have no idea how i’m going to get it done.

To give some context about the whole ‘i can’t help myself when i’m under stress’ thing: I’m a really feminine girl. I have health and beauty routines that i like to stick to, but i can’t stick to them right now so i don’t feel like myself. There is nothing more to my life than stress and depression. I’m pretty sure i experienced dissociation for a few days last week. It was like i didn’t exist.

Just so happens that when i thought i could finally have a break from the extreme stress there are exams coming up on the 11th, which my uni has for some reason decided to make harder!?!? And i need to tell you that because it’s been bugging me ever since i recieved the email. They've completely changed the exams from being 1 hour long multiple choice tests (multiple choice is so easy smh) to basically a group of short answer questions we have 24 hours (each!) to write and submit and it’s seeming like i’ve got another 5 assignments to do after already writing 7 in the past month. It’s open book while the January exams were closed but it still seems to me like the students who didn’t defer (who did the exams back in January) got an unfair advantage over those of us taking them now due to our own circumstances. So I’m confused and upset about that, and about the thought that i probably won’t even get a break before 3rd year begins.

My living situation doesn’t make it better. It’s a really negative and emotionally draining space for me to be in. Just adding to my being drawn to negativity, and my own sensitivity. And covid has made everything that much more complicated, with everything changing and being closed etc. I’m completely alone btw, there is no one i can lean on.

As for the 100, that’s really tricky. I actually stopped “watching” it last year and now mostly consume it through fandom tumblr. I'm just not in the right headspace to sit alone and watch such a heavy show (clearly LMAO). But I’m so comfortable in this circle of fandom & love my mutuals, so i stay. I am actually liking a lot about the final season, like they’re delivering everything i wanted them to lol, but it’s so flawed and easy to complain about when you have a predisposition to be a Negative Nancy all the time so here we are.

I think i don’t really talk so extensively about shows I really love because i feel like i don’t have anything substancial to say about them besides ‘i love it’? Like i just sit there and happily watch and the farthest i go is commenting gibberish love confessions in the tags of a gifset i reblog. So most of my posts end up being me being petty or something. I do want to focus more on shows i love but like i said...it’s so hard for me sometimes to be all-positive and pretend i’m not completely crushed?

I really just want to not be so stressed and exhausted all the time. I want to do something besides worry about and/or do work. I’d love to clean my space & take a shower & read a book without a nagging anxiety in the back of my head. But i have to wait it out, and then wait it out, and continue waiting it out because it feels like things are going to be this way forever or get even worse.

I’ve had a lot of good luck lately though, and i don’t know what your beliefs are but i think someone is watching over me.

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hey-hamlet · 5 years ago

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I just read the ask about Plague Dogs Izuku running like Loca the Pug and now I'm legit crying can we get some good feels about Izuku and Toshi living with human Nedzu?

100% I’ve been waiting for an excuse for this. (Keep in mind, this AU has two, equally canon endings. This is the good ending.)

Human Nezu

To start off with, he's a professor at a local veterinary University and a practising veterinarian, so they really couldn’t be in better hands. He’s short, kinda round and 99% of animals adore him. He scares his poor students though.

He takes the two of them to classes so they can meet people who don’t want to hurt them. You kinda have to make Toshi like you first before he’ll let you even look at Izuku. Izuku will walk up to you happy as can be and start licking your leg, all the while Toshi stands behind him looking like he's going to eat you.

They become a pretty big part of his animal ethics and lab animal management lectures. Mostly as a “Dear god please don't do this” example. The lectures he can’t bring them in, he tries to make sure to slap some photos of them in his powerpoints. Izuku running smack bang into things becomes a uni meme.

Adjusting

The first week or two is a mess. A total mess. It goes about as well as it could have which is still terrible. You can’t look at Izuku without Toshi trying to bite you and Izuku won't eat a thing given to him. Nezu is told to straight-up put Toshi down for ‘Behavourial Difficulties” but he's a kind dog when you aren’t near Izuku so Nezu refuses.

Nezu works out that Izuku will eat after Toshi, and that Toshi will always leave food for Izuku, so he just gives Toshi extra food and water. It works pretty well.

The first time they see him in a lab coat the two dogs panic. There is whimpering and snarling and Nezu feels terrible because he didn’t realise. He should have. The cats at the University have something called ‘whitecoat fever’ aka people with white coats do annoying things like pick me up and give me shots. He should have realised the dogs would feel much the same.

The Dogs themselves

Izuku knows that Nezu is a good person. He smells like happy dogs and toast. The whitecoats only smelt like sickness, disinfectant and fear that wasn’t their own. It still takes him a very long time to eat anything from him.

Toshi likes Nezu a lot. He reminds him of the good owner he used to have. He's glad Izuku gets to be with a nice person now, but he can’t help but wonder when their luck will run out.

Toshi (and Izuku. But mostly Toshi) dig a little hole in the back fence so Aizawa can visit. Nezu has watched this happen multiple times and so help him he's going to write a paper about his weird dogs and their fox friend.

Toshi and Izuku have separate beds. They almost never sleep in them. They either both sleep on Toshi’s bed or Izuku falls asleep somewhere weird, Toshi carries him to his bed and settles down in Izuku’s comically small one.

Toshi gets a taste for strawberries. Nezu has a garden, with strawberries. Izuku wants Toshi to have everything he wants, but also realises that Nezu will be mad if he ruins the garden. Izuku learns to gently pick strawberries and carry them back one by one to Toshi. Nezu does a double-take when he sees this little pup delicately nip off a fat strawberry, hold it so it doesn't get damaged, then scamper off to find Toshi to give it to him.

The little pink stains hes been seeing on Izukus forehead have a lot more sense when he sees Toshi, nose covered in strawberry juice, snuffle Izukus face.

#asks #bnha au #plague dogs au #bnha #good pups

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onemorningapricot · 2 years ago

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Day 25 - 24.9.22

Today, I woke up at 9:39am. Yesterday, I was so stressed about missing attendance and breaking my 100% streak but today I couldn't care less. That is, in the morning; now the stress is slowly simmering back up. So, I woke up, joined the webinar event and it was, as expected, a total slob show. It was supposed to be a 10:00-12:00 event but it ended at 10:40. All of a sudden too. I was flustered and tbh kinda pissed. The event promised "industry expertS" and it was one guy who barely made any sense. As usual, just a scam, as with everything here. I had my Yakult and then breakfast and then just streamed shows one after each other for the rest of the day. I don't know if I was relaxed watching them though. The stress is always bubbling behind me but I didn't care; I mean I can take a break, right? I'm 19, a 2nd year uni student, I work long hours with no breaks and I even use up my breaks studying. I can, can't I? I'm not sure. With my time calculator, all my non-class studying barely adds up to 24 hours a week and I haven't even reached that for the past 2 weeks. I don't know what to think of myself now. I think I'm being very irresponsible now under the facade of having everything together. That I'm only fooling myself by pretending I'm busy when I'm not. I mean the numbers obviously tell otherwise but then why do I always feel so tired. Am I in fact, not actually physically tired but instead emotionally tired? I think that's the most probable answer. It's nice to have a space where I can honestly display my thoughts without having to force, fix it into a box made for others to judge.

I cleaned my room a bit too today. I'll finish it when I'm done writing this too. I think that's one good thing. I also took a shower, did my hair and prayed. Three other good things I did today. I had two ice creams though. I suppose that can be forgiven. I have an interview at 9:20pm. I'm not looking forward to that. I don't know much about my future so I'm not sure on what I should be focusing on and what I should let go. I also need to learn how to not get stressed by small things. I've realised I do that way too much. All in all, I've really changed so much as a person over the past year and coming down here has really made me do that, both in a good and bad way. I've reflected the most I've ever had on myself and learned what I look like at my worst. I suppose, in some twisted way, that is a positive. Typing out that word was hard. Positive. This feels so strange. My hand feels heavy and my fingers prickle because of that word. I feel sad. It's been long since i thought of something positive...

I watched a bunch of shows today: Blind, The Golden Spoon, Seasons of Blossom and 반야. The last really shook my heart. For the first time in my life, I cried so loud and heavily. I never realised I had never done that before. What a word: 반야. A profound realisation. Not that I care abt Buddhism in any way, I feel so profoundly shook by this word. I don't why I cried so much either. Well, I never seem to know why I cry these day anyways, but still. I felt weird even though I myself am the one crying. I don't what that movie meant to me but I feel so fundamentally moved. Something in there really resonated with me. I don't what it is but something did.

Since my last post

There are three things I've realised.

You can only achieve in life, if you do more. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSN7jaOL1VA

I, too, am staring to live a "normal" life.

Confidence in oneself, makes the person. Ji Changwook & 서지훈

I really enjoyed watching 당신이 소원을 말하면 this past month. Ji Changwook's acting was really on point and so real, it really moved me. Like his screams were so honest, there could be no better way to express that anger and helplessness. Terribly sad it's ending this week. Little Women started off good and then shifted into terribly foolish but I'm still willing to skip through it. Blind seems lowkey interesting so I'm still gonna keep watching it, though I doesn't seem too profound/worth my time. Seasons of Blossom: super invested in Ha Min's story; wish the other timeline didn't exist; quite disturbs my watching tbh. The Golden Spoon is a drop. One Dollar Lawyer seems like a good recap read. Love in Contract? just need to know what the ML's job is and I think that interest too will fade of soon.

So yeah. That's my summary. See you in my next post :)

Bad Events Counter: 0.5

#diary #diaryposting #digital diary #diary entry #personal diary

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help-im-a-medstudent · 7 years ago

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Hey! Okay - This feels like a kind of dumb question, so please forgive me. Why did you choose to study medicine and what keeps you there? How did you know that it was what you wanted to do? I'm currently considering it for when I graduate and I think medicine sounds really interesting. But I've watched medical shows etc. and I’m scared that those shows have warped my perception of what it would be like. I am well aware that dramas, most of the time, badly represent what it’s really like (1/2)

to work in medicine. I think I have a genuine interest… But medicine isn’t for everyone and I really don’t want to work out half way through the degree that I chose completely the wrong thing. I’m really sorry if that made no sense at all… But thank you for reading it, anyway! (2/2)

Hello, not a dumb question at all, it’s important to think about this carefully before you make any decision. It’s quite a long answer so I’m going to put it under a cut!

The reason I chose to study medicine isn’t a simple one, I felt a pull towards it, I was fascinated by the way the human body works but I had no clue what medicine was actually like, I don’t have any relatives that are doctors, luckily spent very little time in hospital as a visitor, and basically no time as a patient. I researched online and started doing volunteering with kids with disabilities and in a nursing home. I went to MedLink at Nottingham uni and was very lucky to get work experience for two weeks in a hospital. (that experience was in the summer before I applied).

During this I considered whether I could see myself working in that environment, having that interaction with patients etc. The medlink conference gave me some more insight into what it was like to be a student, a medical student in particular, but obviously you don’t know exactly what it’s like until you get there.

I decided I definitely wanted to do medicine when I was in lower sixth, towards the end of it really. And I never was 100% sure, there was always a doubt in the back of my mind - what if I don’t enjoy it, what if I’m not good enough? But I did it anyway and I don’t think I’ve met anyone who hasn’t felt like that before med school.

As to what keeps me there - I can’t imagine doing anything else with my life. I’ve had several wobbles, second year was really, really tough, and I’ve asked myself why am I doing it. I don’t say this to scare you, but to tell you that it is completely normal. The thing that keeps me going is the thought of being a doctor. that might sound silly and the closer I get the more real it feels (I joke that I’m taking an intercalated year to put off having the responsibility) but honestly just imaging my life as a doctor makes me so excited. I know it’s going to be hard, thanks to long hours, staff shortages, difficult patients, but I genuinely can’t think of anything I’d rather do as a job.

I’m not saying that everyone in medicine feels like this, I honestly don’t know, but all of my friends say similar, that the thought of becoming a paediatrician, a gynaecologist, psychiatrist, whatever, makes it worth it.

And I find medicine interesting. If you have that interest that’s the first thing you need. There’s no point if you don’t. So I really think you’ve got a good start. If you can, volunteer or work in a hospital. depending on your financial position or whatever, maybe get a job as a healthcare assistant for a year after you graduate, or do something over the summer before you apply. It won’t give you a completely accurate view of being a doctor but it will be a great experience, you would totally be able to appreciate the roles of a HCA and nurse within the wards and it will give you a great start with communication etc.

Putting yourself in that environment is the best thing you can do in my opinion. You’re absolutely right that medical dramas are not an accurate representation - in some ways they make it seem a lot worse (juniors always seem to be on their own, expected to know way more than they do in reality, things go wrong way more than in reality and the results are pretty much always disastrous, and their personal lives getting mixed in way too much) but in some ways they grossly misrepresent how much doctors and nurses do in terms of clerking, paperwork etc (where are the outpatient clinics?). Also the computer systems are really easy to use, never seem to break and run at super speed.

Don’t get me wrong I LOVE hospital shows (I mean i have a second blog I started because of Holby City) but I watch for the drama and the attractive consultants not the medicine. I’m told Scrubs is quite accurate, but I’ve never watched it so I can’t really comment.

In terms of hospitals and medical documentaries, or its representation in the media, it is still not 100 % accurate. They try their best but they still sensationalise it, picking the best cases, the most emotional ones. No one wants to watch 24 hours in A&E when all they are seeing is several hip fractures, pneumonia and fall query cause. Not that these cases are boring or not important, but it doesn’t make good tv. If things about junior doctors and contracts is putting you off, talk to actual doctors (I don’t fully understand it and I was already at med school when it started).

The final thing to say is from many points of view (not necessarily financial) there is absolutely nothing wrong with finding out medicine isn’t for you while you’re at med school, or even after. If it’s interesting to you I’m sure you’ll enjoy the studying, med school is overall a fantastic experience, i feel so privileged to be involved in the care of patients, i have the time to talk and listen to their experiences, i’ve been present at births and deaths. If you’re feeling a draw towards it, that’s probably telling you something!

I hope this answer helps, and good luck in whatever you decide. If you have anymore questions send an ask, or message me directly :)

#anonymous #answers #getting into medicine #why medicine #medicine #med student life #medblr

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girltomboy · 4 years ago

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AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I wish I could be like hmmmm I wonder why I'm losing my fucking mind but well we're in a pandemic first and foremost, I resent the way my life got fucked up and flipped upside down, I resent how my entire student experience (well what was left of it anyway) ended on a random march morning, and how I actually wasted my time trying to finish this cursed fucking degree instead of just getting a job and getting the fuck out of my parents' house, I resent how I ended up being more stupid, more mentally fucked up, depressed, anxious and paranoid than before, how everything drives me crazy now and I can't brush off little things I have to dwell on them until my blood pressure goes nuts, I resent that other people are just living their lives normally as per usual and some people never even had a bad day in 2020, never even like noticed anything out of the ordinary course of their lives, just carried on, and how I just watch my savings basically disappear out of my account while nothing else replaces them, the savings I put aside specifically for my independence and my final fucking escape from between these walls, that never fucking happened. And I resent the fact that I've become such a problem for basically everyone, I don't have the energy to interact with my family, I want my boyfriend's constant time and attention, I don't text my best friend anymore, my mom exasperates me and I feel her suffocating me, I can't think positively anymore and I have literally nothing NOTHING to do that feels good, that brings me joy or satisfaction, that has a positive effect on me, I have zero hobbies that make me feel good, nothing brings me pleasure or at least a crumb of peace anymore, all I feel is numbness, rage, disappointment, sadness, and overwhelming, crippling nothingness. I got good grades this semester in spite of everything and in spite of my complete and utter and total lack of drive, inspiration, motivation, everything. Like I was prepared to fail everything and drop out, but instead I got good grades. I don't even care. I don't give a single shit. Not one fraction of a crumb of emotion was activated when I found out. All I can think about is, first of all, I don't think it's enough for me to get a scholarship this semester. It's pretty unlikely, since my colleagues probably did much better than me, my colleagues who are rich and have jobs and live in cool apartments in my uni city. And second of all, it's worthless. I haven't actually learned anything. It's literally nothing, void. I know less than I did this time last year, for example. It's bullshit, I don't care. One of my teachers asked me to retouch my essay so I can maybe get 100% on it instead of 90% which is nice of her and a cool second chance. I can't bring myself to do it, keep thinking how pointless and worthless it is, there are zero factors motivating me right now. I keep wanting to die and I don't know what to do. I dreamed about myself but it felt like another person, like that wasn't me. Like I'm not me, and I'm not. I'm really not. I want to spend time with my bf but I'm boring and he doesn't want to see me sad. But I can't muster up any other em otion right now. I want to talk to him but I don't want to be annoying. But I bet he doesn't think the same way when he does or says something that upsets me, so maybe I will. But I don't know what that would solve. I just want out, out of this house and town, out of this world, out of my body, out out out

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expatesque · 7 years ago

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How did you decide which US colleges to apply to? I'm struggling with that atm

So I went straight with best programs for my degree – you can find that out by those lists various places publish, but also by looking around for seminal texts and even kicking around google scholar to see who top authors are for your area of interest – if there’s a few top people at a school, that’s a good program. You also want to take into account general prestige in case you don’t end up in academia; so for Phsyical Anthropology, university of Kentucky has a great program because of its bone farm. But it’s not a high prestige university generally, so I discounted it.

If you’re not in the top top of students and aren’t realistically aiming for tip top unis, choosing becomes much, much harder. I helped a lot of friends/siblings with this and my general set up is 4 reaches, 4 matches, 1 or 2 safeties (depending on how stress-y you are). If your school has historical data on how students from that school have done in applications, that’s much more helpful than the averages that unis put on their websites.

So if I were you, and you have no idea where to start, I would begin by visiting one giant uni (usually main state schools are good for this) and one small, private uni. I’d go to ones in nearby just for ease, you don’t have to like them or really be considering them, just check them out for feel. They’ll have radically different feels and you can get an idea of where might fit you better.

After that, think about distance – want to be close? far? Then size: what size are you comfortable with? Sure, you might want small, but is 2k too small? 35k, too big? It’s also good to consider how courses are set up there: do you need to take a lot of irrelevant things? How hard is it to change majors? When can you specialize? How much? Other practical considerations like do you need any special facilities? Are there any really important things to you? (like do you really want a pool to work out in? Do you want to live off campus? How much is rent?). You may also want to check out any information on how their graduates do employment-wise.

This is one last thing that might be worth thinking about: what city do you want to end up in? As a general rule, unis are better in terms of employment with cities near them. So if you’re 100% sure you want to be in NY, maybe don’t go West Coast.

Okay that was a lot, I hope some of that was helpful! Feel free to come back if anything was unclear. Good luck!

#choosing a uni #us colleges #admissions #Anonymous #uni

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punkscowardschampions · 6 years ago

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Ali & Tess

A nice pre-Christmas argument

Tess joined the chat 2 hours ago Ali: Mamacita! How's tricks? Did you manage to get the gum out of Rocky's hair in the end or is he rocking a no.1 rn? Tess: It's hat season he'll be fine. It's your da you need to worry about if he doesn't get those bloody Christmas decs out Ali: At least you'll be saved the toxic fumes of the nit shampoo, like. I'll make him some earmuffs, ears like that, he'll get frostbite. Ali: Aww, leave off, he's got a bad back, like 😜 Ali: Caleb can come help with the heavy shit, he's like an ox, I'll be creative director, obvs, I've got the eye, he's got the body Ali: 😉 Tess: I hope you've got plenty of wool 'cause the dog got to ours and its a bloody state. He'll have a bad head to go with it in a minute. Nah you're alright bab Tommy's offered and Drew might as well make himself useful now he's sniffing round again. Ali: Well, there goes your classic jumper presents! Have to brave dem crowds, fight a bitch for the last...idk, what do kids even want these days? Last I heard from Rock mutant turtles and power rangers were back in vogue but they're probably out again, its been a week or so 😏 Contrary fuckers, eh? I was NEVER that bad, was I? Bet you wish you could relieve those easy years raising me, the dream child 😇 Ali: Alright then, though I wouldn't recommend confining Tommo and Drew to a space as small as the loft, T is gunning for him Ali: aren't we all? but hey 🤷 see if those muscles are just for show ay Tess: He's still on about that slime bollocks. Supposedly this stuff blows bubbles and expands or whatever. All I'm bothered about is that it says it ain't sticky. Better sodding not be. Ha! If you weren't being a little demon you were trying to raise them. Easy ain't the word love! Tess: I'll put Drew at the bottom of the ladder. Maybe some of the boxes'll land on his head. Knock some sense into the lad. Ro too seeing as she's never far. Ali: That shit is such a rip-off though, I could make him some dead cheap, tell him he can have it whatever colour, whatever random shit he wants in it, and no one else will have the same at School Ali: Save your money for the feast 💃'cos I won't be absolutely stuffed from my first xmas dinner, like, nah Ali: and demons need love too, ma, just ask Ro Ali: will he be joining us for meal numero dos? cos i don't think i can stomach 2 helpings of him in one day tbh Tess: Tell him yourself. I tried to make some with him in the summer and the ungrateful little sod wouldn't even come sit up the table. His loss. They loved it at work. Tess: Don't. That girl'll do me in one of these days . I'm surviving on spite by now 'cause he'll be eating with us over my dead body. Caleb's lot are welcome to keep him. Ali: I'm tellin ya get the kid some prescription speed, it'll do him wonders 😂 Well, that's another idea fucked...tis the season! Ali: I know, it ain't even funny at this point. Ali: You know she's gonna wanna go see him, yeah? You'll never get her to sit through games and shit telly once she's picked at her veg Ali: Its like kid swap up in here Tess: If I can get some what's on her plate into her instead of just the dog I'll be laughing. Fuck's sake. Kids who'd celebrate 'em? Grandkids on the other hand. Mary'd have been proper buzzing for that. Ali: Oi, woman! I'm right here Ali: and the giver of majority grandkids, so, think on, love Tess: You're even stevens kiddo. Keep it that way 'til you're done with uni yeah? Call that the xmas gift that keeps giving. Ali: yeah but a twofer ain't the same, is it? 😜 don't make promises i can't keep, ma Ali: engineering students are so fit, how will i resist? Tess: Tell that to Bea. I'm sure she'd have plenty to say back. Ali Mckenna don't test me there's plenty of room in the car when we go for Tommo's new specs I can get you in too. Ali: Yeah, yeah, she can lord it over me with her efficient vagina, getting it done in one, I'll be many bucks fizzes deep by then, give a shizzle Ali: Gurl, my vision is 20/20, in my third eye too, ooOOoOoOOOo Ali: Maybe Beatrice will prove again why she's your favourite daughter by distracting Ro so much with this London visit she won't have time to pine over Drew at all, happy days Tess: That's the spirit. Save your dad's back. He still thinks he's a brawler. Tess: Shh I don't have favorites I'm not one of your teachers. Tess: I'm sure Drew'll stay one text away throughout. Never off her phone now is she. Ali: Ahh, old man could still take him, Drew's a pussy Ali: I'll get Marlene round again lmao Ali: Suuuuuuuuuuuure ya don't 😏 Ali: We can only assume texting is a medium in which he really shines, 'cos seeing them IRL, doesn't make sense, so... Tess: Now that girl is a fave, thinking 'bout it. Yeah I like her. Tess: He must know his selfie angles or some shit. Tess: You tell me I'll never see the appeal. Ali: oh, sweet mama, if only you'd voiced your preference sooner, maybe i'd of married her and had lots of gaybies instead Ali: alas 🤣 Ali: you sound 100, do you feel it? 😉 Ali: he's a vessel for her hopes and dreams, init, but he ain't, he just needs to man up and move the fuck on so she can too Tess: Like you've ever listened to your ma. Double it and you ain't close, bab. I'm in those vampiric numbers here. Tess: Yeah. Maybe try telling her that. Ali: You wish you were a vampire. Which, tbh, is telling of how old you is. Ain't nothing cool about being a basement dwelling weirdo who can't sample the wonder and joy of garlic bread. Ali: Why don't you? Oh wait, cos it ain't for either of us to say it so we'll just sit here like bitter old lemons Ali: You're a bad influence, lady Tess: If that's what you think about vampire lore then I ain't gonna even waste my breath young'un. Tess: I have, cheers. I ain't sitting on my arse doing fuck all for you lot even if that's what you reckon. Tess: Exactly. Learn a lesson. Ali: Mhmm, go tell it to the lost boys 'cos I don't give a damn, I'm getting doughballs baby Ali: Pshhh, well fat lot of good its done, why you setting me up to fail then?! Ali: I know when to bow out gracefully Tess: I don't need to 'cause we'll all be snacking. If you'd watched that movie when I offered you'd know garlic don't work in that verse. Tess: There's nothing graceful about tapping out with a fight left to finish. I thought you'd been set up to go 'til the final bell but do what you've gotta do. Or don't. Tess: There's plenty of other shit stuck to the fridge singing your praises like Ali: No thank you, there's watching some lame for jokes, then there's forcing yourself to endure kiefer sutherland and co Ali: That's sadism. Ali: Well, there's nothing graceful about kicking a girl when she's down Ali: going blow for blow ain't always the right approach, is it? not with someone like Ro so don't start alright Tess: Lame? And you wonder why you ain't my fave. Tess: Helping your sister up is always the right approach if you don't want her to stay down. Tess: I'm not starting anything. I've said my piece. End of. Ali: C'mon, I know even Joe couldn't pretend to like it, like Ali: That's my point, she ain't fell yet, she's on a Drew-related high so pardon me from not trying take the rug from up under her Ali: not that I could if I tried, like I said, what good has you 'saying your piece' done? Ali: sometimes all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces after, that's just facts Tess: You all take after your da is why. No taste none of ya. Tess: It's done me a lot of good being able to get it on the record each time, cheers. Tess: sometimes that's a cop out 'cause you want a easy life Tess: Fact is there's plenty that could have been done before he did his reappearing act. Ali: Oh, yeah? Like what? Changing her entire worldview in time for tea? Ali: If it was that easy, you would've managed it by now Ali: Don't be so hard on yourself, your not doing her, or any of us, a favour with this shit Tess: He's a dealer it is that easy. It ain't my job to manage it though. You all wanna be treated like adults and have me wipe your arses for you at the same time I think not. Do yourself and her, a favor and use that big brain of yours. Ali: You think she doesn't know? Now who's being thick Ali: She doesn't care, so unless you're planning to cop shop him that means sweet fuck all doesn't it Tess: It ain't about what she knows. Last I checked he's not the only dealer in Dublin. There's still some honor among scumbags and more than one way to get caught out. Ali: Aww, such a softie at heart, ain't ya? Tess: Takes one to know one. Ali: That is one small step above 'I know you are but what am I?' Ali: No one wants Drew to get kneecapped or Ro to be collateral but he wants to be treated like an adult, so we can't wipe his arse, can we? Tess: Speak for yourself I'd spend my reddies to see that. However bad he thinks he is there's always someone worse and the sooner he learns it the better for all of us having to watch him play silly beggars Tess: Ro's worth a million of him maybe when she's grown up she'll know it. Ali: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're such a hard bitch. Maybe if he'd got proper help from people like you he woulda turned out better when he was grown too. Ali: It ain't too late for either of them. Tess: I'm what I've had to be. I can't save 'em all. Not even close. You'd be well to stay away from him if you've still got the sense you were born with. Ali: Yeah but you still try, don't you? Read back your previous wisdom for your answer there. Ali: Bit hard when we live in the same gaff isn't it but I can assure you I'm not going out of my way to be his bestie, mother Tess: I ain't about to flog a dead dog. He ain't a stupid kid anymore and what happened when he was a little 'un ain't an excuse either Tess: Nobody's got it easy. Tess: It's up to him to work out if his turning point's come and gone or if he even reckons he needs one. Ali: You don't have to but you can see the pretense Ro is working under, yeah? She doesn't think she's doing anything wrong and, arguably, she ain't. But sometimes all you get for your efforts is a kick in the teeth. Ali: Nobody's got it easy. Ali: It's up to HER to call time, not us. Tess: Who says? I've been there. Thinkin I had it all and knew even more about my future with my dream boy. Nobody came to clue me in but even now I wish they fucking had done. Ali: Like you'd have listened. Tess: If I had someone who gave a shit maybe Tess: She'd listen to you. Ali: Say you had, would you have done anything differently? Even if you knew how it'd go, if you didn't have Ronnie, you might still be with Josh now Ali: It changes everything about you Ali: I don't think she would. There's no reasoning because there is no reason, or rhyme for that matter Tess: Of course I would. I'd do everything differently. I'm not trying to romanticise who I was. Or am. Tess: Change ain't no bad thing when it comes to this. Or me Tess: Because you don't wanna think that she would and deal with all the shit that comes with her doing that. I don't blame ya but that don't make it right Tess: it's still a cop out. Ali: Well, I hope it soothes YOUR soul villainizing yourself because as someone who's half you, it's not something that is helpful, at all. Ali: Who's been there for her after every break-up? Who has to listen to every fucking detail? It ain't been you. And I can assure you I didn't spend those times when he was out of the picture singing his fucking praises. I HAVE told her. Everyone has. It just pisses you off that you can't fix this, or her. Tess: You're all you. Your own person. End of. Tess: And it should help you to know the truth. I was a bad person Ali and I ain't exactly sainted now. I do my best that's all any of us've got. Deal with it. Tess: I'm sorry you want a gold star or pat on the head for doing what you're supposed to for who you love. You're not getting it from me. Try your luck with your da maybe. Tess: And yeah it does piss me off so what? Ali: That isn't close to being true. There's no such thing as an individual, sorry to burst your bubble. Ali: And no one is one or the other. Christ, you're so fucking old testament. Ali: If your going in for all that shite, you should look at how revered a knocked-up teenage girl is whilst you're at it Ali: No one gives a shit about your war stories, they don't help anyone but you so you keep all that anger and hold it tight 'cos none of us are here for it any more Ali: Good luck trying to get Rocky to sit still so you can tell him all about damnation to scare him straight, good fucking luck Tess: You're not gonna change my mind. If you were anything close to being half of me we wouldn't be having this conversation. Tess: Life's black and white for me. That's what happens when you don't have choices. Call it what you like. Tess: And there's nothing to be preached to me about being a knocked up teen by you or anyone else. I ain't trying to either you just think it's that onesided 'cause you never listen Tess: There you go again speaking for everyone else when you mean yourself. But whatever. Tess: Get your own stories and leave mine out of it. Tess: Grow up, Ali. Ali: Now there's a copout if I ever heard one. Ali: Listen to what? What are you spouting but hot air? Ali: Oh, yeah? What one of your sainted children has benefitted? Ronnie hates you, Joe's a junkie, me and Fraze did exactly what you did. Ali: Tommy is passable but he's unhappy as fuck so, well done there. You've only got one left. Ali: What's the point? No one can ever match up to your infinite wisdom, I'd rather stay young so I knew what the hell I was talking about instead of making myself look like an old fool

#fabby fun

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