#{ftf}: riley july

[muchadoaboutjax]

moving on was always easy for me to do (it hits different 'cause it's you) -> rax

tagging: Jax Beiste, Riley July @rileyjulypsu location: psu building a timeframe: oct. 14 2024, lockdown day two warnings: none summary: comforting your ex girlfriend during a lockdown after three years of not seeing her? what could possibly go wrong?

Jax Beiste

Jax was doing her best to keep a level head despite the fact the situation she found herself in. One of her father's sayings was ringing in her head: "don't be the first headless chicken to start running, be the rooster" which while not making a lot of sense, did bring her some comfort. Still, Jax was stressed, not only was she indefinitely locked down to wait out and earthquake (nothing that new to a California girl, but still pretty stressful), but it just so happened that she was locked down with Riley of all people. It wasn't that Jax wasn't happy to learn that Riley had moved out to LA, but she knew that for whatever reason, her brain and her sensibilities went out of the window the second she and her ex were in the same room, and despite knowing how it always ended, Jax found herself drawn to her ex for reasons that she couldn't ever explain. Maybe that was why she was approaching her now with a bottle of water in hand, or maybe it was simply the fact that Jax could see that Riley wasn't doing so good herself, clearly worried about the fact she couldn't get in touch with her siblings. She knew how close Riley was to them, that she was about the nearest thing to a mother those kids had ever had, and not being able to check on them in a situation like this was probably incredibly distressing for her. It wasn't like Jax loved not being able to contact her own family, but it was different for Riley and she knew that. "Hey…" She smiled softly as she reached Riley, passing her the bottle of water, "Are you okay? Sorry, stupid question…"

Riley July

This was not happening. LA was supposed to be her place, her new start and chance to reconnect (and keep an eye on) her siblings, her escape from New York. But no, she was really reconsidering changing her mind right now. Fuck LA. And fuck earthquakes. She had no idea where her siblings were and that was the worst thing. Riley had spent the best part of nearly two hours pacing back and forth trying to call them over and over again until noticing that her battery was at 15%. Sighing to herself, she knew she needed to stop, just in case some service came back. But at least she wasn't on her own. She didn't know any of these people but at least it was company. Well, she did know one of them. It must have been karma or maybe lady fate playing a trick on her to have her locked in here with her ex, Jax. The one person that Riley could never stop thinking about, her eyes searching her out constantly throughout the day. They both didn't know what it was, but they couldn't stay away from each other. But now wasn't the time. At least that's what Riley kept telling herself. Keeping her eyes locked to her phone in case it rang, she heard the steps coming towards her and knew exactly who it was. Glancing up at Jax and then the water she hesitated, but then took it. She needed to stay focused and keep eating and drinking. "Thanks." She mumbled out and took a sip. But then Riley looked away. "What do you think?" Then she sighed. "How are you?"

Jax Beiste

Jax winced a little at both her own dumbass question and the sharpness of Riley's response, rubbing the back of her neck sheepishly, "Pretty stressed? Kinda grumpy? Same old, same old either way…" She joked weakly, shrugging a little, "I'm okay. You forget I lived in San Fran for most of my life, and now I live in LA, this is not my first earthquake rodeo. Think of it as an initiation rite, you're not a true California girl until you've been through your first earthquake." She was the way that Riley was clinging to her cell phone, barely dragging her attention from it and it made her expression soften. She hated seeing her so obviously distressed. "Here." Jax reached into the back pocket of her jeans and pulled out one of the wireless charging packs the first responders had given them, "Just promise me you're not going to sit here and play Angry Birds on your own all night okay?" A pause, Jax gently nudging Riley with her shoulder, "Eileen will call the second she can. They all will."

Riley July

Riley turned to glare at Jax, but softened slightly as she actually looked at her. Always had the ability to take her breath away. "You know me so well." She quipped back with a shrug of her own. "I'm seriously regretting moving here if this is going to keep happening." Then she sighed. "I suppose it's still slightly better than New York though." Her siblings being the reason. The phone was clutched to tight in her hand that it was a surprise that it didn't break. She was ready to throw it across the room but then Jax had handed her a charging pack and Riley took it eagerly, equipping it to the phone straight away. Then her lips twitched up into an amused smirk. "Do people really still play that?" Making sure the phone was definitely charging, Riley placed it on the floor next to her. "I just need to know they're okay." She replied, her tone tense. "Especially Eileen, she's the baby and as much as I love her she is easily led and if she is with people who can take advantage of her… I just need to know she's okay."

Jax Beiste

"I do." Jax agreed, feeling her cheeks tinge a little at the thought of just how well she knew Riley but forced herself not to dwell on that thought any longer. Dwelling on those kind of thoughts always caused her problems, "I mean… it's not a weekly occurrence, if that makes you feel any better? Just… every so often. Most of the time it's a little wobble and people get on with their day." Her smile grew a little easier, "Well I'm glad you're in LA. Y'know, for your siblings I mean, I'm sure they miss you." She had back pedalled quickly, but a lump still formed in her throat. That was definitely not what she meant. Not entirely anyway. Jax laughed a little, nodding, "Yeah? What do you think I do to kill time when I'm waiting for my next class to show up?!" Her expression softened, sighing a little as she ran a hand through her hair, "I get it. I haven't been able to stop thinking about Malea, she's so small, and I can't get through to Immy to check they're both okay, it's driving me nuts. But spinning out on your own about it isn't going to change anything, you just have to have a little faith Riles. Because Eileen is an adult now, I'm sure wherever and whoever she's with, it's all going to be okay."

Riley July

"It doesn't make me feel any better. But, its better than nothing." And Riley crossed her arms over her chest as she raised an eyebrow. It wasn't missed on her that Jax was glad she was here in LA and she felt her heart almost jump out of her chest. "Well they've told me they're glad. Whether they actually are or not is another thing entirely." Then she bit on her lip as she thought over what she wanted to say next. "At least some people are glad I'm here for certain." Riley snorted out a laugh and shook her head. "You're ridiculous." But there was a very fond smile on her face and the tone was only teasing. Then there was a frown on her face. Jax's niece of course, she would be caught up in all of this too along with her sisters. "They'll be okay. All of them." She stated firmly, shifting her body to look at her ex. "I know I need to have faith in Eileen and I do, it's other people I don't trust Jax. People are cruel."

Jax Beiste

"Which is Riley speak for 'thanks Jax that made me feel a little better'." Jax quirked her eyebrow a little, shaking her head. She'd always been good at deciphering Riley, which is why her cheeks were getting redder now, shuffling a little on the spot, "I'm sure they're glad to have you here, they adore you Riles." The words "who doesn't?" died on her tongue as she occupied her hands with playing with the water bottle label instead of reaching out to Riley. "You're ridiculous." Jax pouted a little, giving Riley a gentle shove, expression sobering again as she nodded, "I know they will. Still doesn't stop you worrying though does it?" With Riley facing her now, Jax could feel her heart pounding, wondering just how long it had been since they were this close, and wishing the thought didn't fill with her with both excitement and fear. Her stomach dropped at Riley's words, "I know… am… am I one of those people?"

Riley July

Riley rolled her eyes but didn't argue. Jax really did know her that well, dating someone for two years will help with that. "I hope so." She sighed. "I've tried so hard to make them the people they are today and not turn out like our mother. I can't fail them." Anyone else and she wouldn't be sharing any of this, but Jax already knew all of her secrets and all of her shit, so why hide it? She shoved back, a smile growing on her face. "No of course it doesn't. Like we said, our siblings are adults, doesn't mean we don't worry." Was Jax moving closer? No, must just be a figment of Riley's imagination and she shook her head to clear it. They couldn't do this, not again. "Are you a cruel person?" She asked confused. "Of course you're not Jax. You're amazing."

Jax Beiste

Jax scoffed, "Please, there's no danger of you, or any of those kids turning into Cassandra July. Or of you failing them, you have spent your entire life taking care of them, and if any of them decide to be ungrateful about then I'll set them straight for you." Despite everything that had happened between them, Jax found herself really grateful that Riley could still talk to her like this. God only knew she needed someone to be vulnerable with. Jax felt it then, that pull inside her that she tried to ignore whenever she was around Riley, that magnetism that got them into trouble time and time again. Riley seemed closer than before, and even as she watched her shake her head, Jax couldn't seem to make herself move back from her. "I just… I know when everything was going wrong, when we were back in New York I said some things I still regret, and… I'm not amazing. But I'm glad you don't think I'm cruel at least…" Some of the tension eased from her shoulders as she let her eyes meet Riley's, feeling her mouth go dry as she did. She really should move back.

Riley July

"I hope not. Hell I pray every night to whoever is listening that they don't turn out like her." The mention of her mother's name made her flinch, but she knew Jax never used the name to make her suffer on purpose. "Do you think I try too hard?" Riley asked, but then stopped herself and shook her head. "Nevermind." She bit her lip as she listened to Jax talk, the fact that she was talking herself down was killing her. "No Jax, it wasn't you. It was mainly me, you know what I'm like. I never made things easy for us, ever." Riley loved her, but she just had too many demons that she was fighting all the time. Hesitantly, she reached a hand out and placed in on Jax's shoulder. "We both said and did things we regret, and I don't know how I'll ever make it up to you."

Jax Beiste

Jax frowned a little at her question, shaking her head, "Hey, no, don't do that." It always used to infuriate her a little when Riley suddenly backpedalled on talking about her feelings, "You do not try too hard. Sometimes you forget to take care of yourself, but trying too hard? Never. They're really lucky to have you." "It wasn't, I was… I don't know, over the top? Clingy? Kind of a jealous bitch?" She managed a weak smile, hating the thought that Riley had been blaming herself for their break up all this time, "I know I kind of smothered you a lot, and that's on me, not you." God, Jax knew that there was something powerful between her and Riley, there always had been, but she had grossly underestimated how much of it remained after all this time apart. As her hand rested on her shoulder, Jax felt as if a jolt of electricity shot through her, the crashing reality that she had never stopped loving Riley hitting her. This was not the time for this realisation, nor was it even remotely a good idea to open that Pandora's Box again, and yet.. "You don't have to make it up to me. It's water under the bridge, ancient history… as long as you can forgive me that is?"

Riley July

She crossed her arms over her chest and listened to Jax's words. In a way she was right, but was Riley going to listen? Probably not. "But I don't have time to look after myself, I have to look after them." And she sighed, they were just going to go around in circles on this all day she could already tell. Plus they had just talked about her siblings being adults, they didn't need looking after as much any more. "Over the top and clingy? Maybe. Jealous bitch? Yes, but we were both easily jealous. And maybe I wasn't clingy enough." Riley just shrugged, it was all over and done with now. But it still didn't mean that she didn't miss it. "I know it might have seemed like I hated it, but maybe I needed it Jax. I mean you got me to stop drinking and that probably saved my life." Her hand slowly trailed down for her ex's shoulder to her arm. Maybe she shouldn't be touching her like that, maybe she should let go and pull away. But she couldn't. Because she loved Jax. "I forgive you. I forgave you the minute you walked out the door, the minute you ended things. I could never hate you Jax."

Jax Beiste

Jax rolled her eyes a little, knowing her ex-girlfriend all to well. It was the same argument they'd had time and time again when they were dating, but Jax knew better than to try and press this issue yet again. Whether she liked it or not, Riley's lack of ability to put herself first was no longer her problem. "I mean you could have been a little less repulsed by my touch…" Jax managed a short laugh, a sad smile tugging at her lips as she ruminated over the years they had spent together, surprising herself with how she had forgotten just how good it felt to be in Riley's presence, even after everything that had happened. "I never thought you hated it, we were just two different people Riley… and you saved your own life, you put in the hard work, I was just there to cheer you on. I still am if you need me to be." As Riley's hand trailed down her arm Jax had to suppress a shiver as memories flashed through her mind, memories of what it was like to have Riley touch her, memories that would only lead to making very questionable choices. But despite knowing that, Jax felt herself leaning into her touch, a lump in her throat as she pursed her dry lips. "Which time?" She mumbled, shaking her head a little, "I could never hate you either Riles, even after everything, you… I never stopped caring about you, you know that right? I didn't leave because I stopped caring."

Riley July

Riley snorted out a laugh too and shook her head. "I'm glad you didn't think that, because I didn't hate it." Her eyes searching Jax's face. "I needed it. I needed you." Needed, not need. Because Riley refused to admit that she needed anyone now, she could do this on her own. But with Jax saying that she would still be there if she needed her too made Riley falter. She was only so strong. But no, they couldn't fall back down the same rabbit hole that they always did. And now her ex-girlfriend was moving closer, and Riley's eyes fell to her lips. "Every time. Every time you left I forgave you. And I hope every time I left, you forgave me." Her jaw clenched at Jax's words and her eyes moved back to hers. "I… I didn't know that. I just thought you didn't care any more. You still care? I still care." And it was almost as there was a magnetic force between them that was pulling Riley closer to Jax.

Jax Beiste

The past tense made Jax's heart clench. Needed. Riley used to need her. But Jax had messed that up at every possible turn, and now here they were. As her eyes searched her face, Jax tried to her best to keep her expression neutral and supportive despite her very complicated feelings, and offered her a small smile. "I needed you too Riley. Don't ever think that I didn't." Jax didn't miss the way Riley's eyes wandered to her lips and it caused her cheeks to flush, feeling herself falling into that same trap again but seemingly powerless to stop it as her fingers drifted forward and brushed against the back of Riley's hand that wasn't resting on her arm still. God they were getting so close… "I don't know what I did to deserve all that forgiveness. God knows I messed up so many times." This amount of eye contact was killing her, especially when they were this close to each other, and as she tried to break it, her eyes find Riley's lips instead. Dammit. "No, no Riley, I left because I cared. I cared way too much and you deserved better. You do? Even after everything I've done?"

Riley July

"But why? How? How did you need me? I couldn't give you anything useful." This was a mess. Just like their relationship had been over the two years, and all the years that followed where they'd continuously end up in bed together. "It wasn't just you that messed up, it was both of us. We're adults we can both admit that we were in the wrong." Her grip tightened on Jax's arm. "But of course I forgive you because I love you." Love, not loved. Now Jax's eyes were on her lips and Riley swallowed hard. "I still care." And she dipped her head, moving in closer.

Jax Beiste

"Are you kidding?" Jax scoffed, shaking her head a little, "Riley I was so lonely in New York… you gave me everything, you gave me a lifeline. You…" She inhaled for a moment, trying to stop herself bursting into tears. Jax had never meant for this to get so heavy and deep, but after three years of not seeing her and now being forced to spend every second of the day with Riley, all these feelings that she thought she'd moved past were bubbling to the surface, "You never treated me like I was broken. You just loved me as I was." She sniffed quickly, desperate not to fall apart, to not lapse into old habits either, but the hold Riley still had on her heart was far stronger than she could have realised before being here in front of her again. The grip on her arm tightening made her heart skip, but not as much as it did when Jax heard her say "I love you." I love you. Not I loved you, I love you. "I love you too." She whispered, heart in mouth as instead of pulling away from Riley she leaned into her, forehead almost touching hers, "I don't think I could stop caring if I tried."

Riley July

A lifeline. Just what Jax had given to Riley, apparently Riley had given that in return. It's not like Jax hadn't appreciated it, but with all of Riley's issues of self loathing and low self esteem, she never felt like any worth to anyone. Not to her siblings, and definitely not to Jax. "You're not broken Jax, I would never treat you like that. Everything you've been through in your life, you're so strong." Three years they'd been apart with Riley trying to convince herself that she was over it, but right now it had felt like three minutes and every single emotion she'd ever felt for Jax was slamming into her at full force. And with that every single rational thought had left her head, and all that matter was them. "I love you Jax. I will always care about you." And then she's leaning forward and pressing her lips gently against her ex girlfriend's.

Jax Beiste

Jax had always known that her deep seated need to fix everyone wasn't healthy, and that it was a big part of the reason that their relationship had fallen apart, but for Riley it had been almost instinctual, like a primal urge to protect her from everything, including herself at times. But for herself? Jax had let herself stay broken, had known it every time she looked in the mirror, but hearing Riley say that she was strong, that she hadn't seen her as broken made her resolve crumble. Tears slipped down her cheeks as she shook her head a little, and as Riley's lips met hers she let out a soft whimper leaning into the kiss and responding in kind. Time stood still for a moment for Jax as she lost herself in how good it felt to be kissing Riley again, at how right this felt… but her brain caught up to her, and suddenly, she remembered how this always ended, pulling away quickly with a soft sigh, "Riley… I-"

Riley July

She really didn't realise how much she had been craving the feeling of Jax's lips on hers again. Three years apart and she'd not really been with anyone else, because that one person for her was still on her mind. And now here they were, finally back together. Riley let out a soft sigh and wanted to wipe away the tears that she could feel on her cheeks. But then everything came crashing to a halt as Jax pulled away. Riley's eyes snapped open and she looked at her ex-girlfriend in horror. "I shouldn't have done that." That was an understatement. What an idiot. She and Jax were never going to work things out or get back together so why fall back into this situation again. "I have to go." She stumbled to her feet and looked back at the other woman. "I'm so sorry Jax." And then she was gone.

Jax Beiste

Jax watched Riley go, open and closing her mouth as more tears started to fall, unable to speak or do anything but sit there as she scrambled away from her. This was exactly what she wanted to avoid, what she hadn't wanted to happen when she and Riley reunited. But it was what always happened, they'd get drawn into each other, they'd do something stupid, and then… someone got their heart broken. "Fuck." Jax hissed, wiping quickly at her cheeks, pushing to her feet. Following Riley would only make it worse, but that didn't mean she didn't want to. "God fucking dammit…"