#{ honestly the most jarring part of this is writing pre-transition Alex }

[dis--parity]

hit and miss.

Trigger warnings: Animal abuse (mostly offscreen), bullying Word Count: 1482 Author’s Notes: I have no idea WHY I put off publishing this for so long, but! Here’s an ugly little preview of Theo’s old life! When I say ugly, I do mean ugly, though... Hopefully this motivates me to actually continue the series! The rest of the story is, for the most part, present-day, and I’m excited to see how you all react to how it unfolds!

CHAPTERS hit and miss.

“Fuck! I almost got ‘im that time!” “Hey, hey, hey- he’s moving! He’s moving, throw ahead of where he’s going!” “He moved a whole two centimetres, dumbfuck! I’ll throw where I want!”

God, what a fucking racket they’re making. It’s a miracle nobody’s found out we’re here, between the thud of their ammunition - most of it missing, covering the jet black with streaks of white, I take it - the noises of protest from their target, lying prone in the middle of it all. And above all of that, their fucking yelling.

Bickering, bickering, all it ever is with these pieces of shit is bickering. I learned a long time ago that it’s not worth trying to get them to agree on one thing; everyone forgives each other at the end of the day, anyway.

It’s what Callan always told me - he’s the oldest, so everyone tends to listen to him when he’s here. 

But today, it’s me that gets to feel the pride of being the big dog. That one badass everyone looks up to, takes orders from - there’s something about it that makes every adjusting pull on my Varsity jacket feel that much more… important.

The way the fabric rubs against my shirt with a satisfying ‘fwip’ is mostly muffled, though, by the impact of snowballs on tarmac - and it’s yet deafened by the barking of a dog standing on the same surface, pacing and dodging frantically. Scarcely any of his fur has snow clinging to it, and the places it has stuck are hardly the places that count; the top of the rump, the middle of the body, the lower half of the leg.

The commotion quietens a little as the snow crunches beneath my feet. I’ve learned it’s always best to pause when you arrive at the scene - the longer I peer over the mess they’ve made, the more they feel judgemental eyes on them, peeking past strands of white, the more likely they are to listen.

Already, I can feel their heads turning towards me like I’m the fucking flagship coming into port, putting all those little sailboats to shame.

The only downside is that now, all eyes are on me. That’s one feeling I’m used to, sure - but now every movement counts. Even a twitch of the finger would be enough to sow doubt in everyone here.

The way Bernie passes me, and brings his hand gently down onto my shoulder as he walks behind me to watch, doesn’t invoke that uncertainty at all. But I don’t have time to think about that now.

I can only spare a passing glance at the others as I step up to the short wall of snow they’ve put up for cover. It’s not like anyone’s gonna throw back at us, but they’re made up of more than enough snow for me to get my hands around. I don’t even need to spare the others a look to get my intention across.

“Here, here, Theo’s gonna show you how it’s done.” “Yeah, Theo, fuckin’ get ‘im.” “Shh, shh, hey, watch this, watch this, Theo’s ‘boutta fuck it up.”

My eyes remain fixed on their quarry; a dog with cinnamon-brown fur, looks to be some kind of shepherd. I’ve seen him around when I walk past, looking out the window as I walk on past. 

It’s fine, I take a moment to remind myself as my hands ball the loose, dirty snow into a shape roughly resembling a sphere. Dogs chase after balls all the time, right? It’s not like this is hurting him or anything.

Not unless I take aim riiiiight…

“Stop! STOP! What are you doing?!”

Well, there goes my focus.

The hesitation that fills everyone around me is palpable. My gloved hands leave the clumpy snowball right back where it’s formed as the air is populated by the muttering of… what even are they to me? Friends? Or just cronies?

The classification is secondary as I look up towards the source of the sound - one that immediately bids me to rise above the man-made hill, slam a boot down as though I’m on the peak of Everest.

It’s from there that I see everything I wanted; not just the scrawny little blonde in his grey hoodie and faded jeans running in and standing in front of the dog like a fucking human shield, but the expression of fear that wells in his eyes the longer I stare him down. “The fuck does it look like?” I speak up, snowball slipping from one hand to the other. “Why’re you gettin’ in the way of our fun right now, dude? What’s your problem?”

The muttering that once filled the air dies around me. The more he trembles in front of the dog he’s guarding in what he must think is some valiant effort to do what’s right.

There’s a hot second where I’m not even sure he knows how to answer my question, until he opens his mouth again.

“Y- you’re hurting him, don’t you see that? Why are you hurting this- this poor dog? What’d he ever do to you?” “No, we’re not hurting him, dumbfuck. He’s not even moving away, look.” “Y- yes, you are! You’re throwing snowballs at him! How would you feel if I started throwing snowballs at you?”

Just as easily as I could feel excitement before, doubt now swells in the air around me. The very same I’d worked so hard to avoid. Everyone’s looking around at each other as they wonder if this is even any fun any more, if it’s even worth it. 

But, the more he talks, the more he gives me to fire back with. Slowly, I step up again, the sole of my shoe thudding onto the top of the frigid trench before me, teeth clenching as I stare right back at him.

“Are you fuckin’ threatening me, Alex? That a challenge, huh?” I scowl. “You think you’re hot shit?”

Silence. He’s either too scared, too brave, or too stupid - or, fuck it, maybe all three at the same time - to give me a proper reply. It’s a staredown, then. Just as slowly as his hands clench into fists, I’m reaching down again to get a grip on the snowball I so quickly abandoned before.

“Yeah, get ‘im, Theo!” “Oh, this kid is fuckin’ dead.” “Yo, watch this, watch this-” “Say somethin’ else or shut up, I’m watching!”

By the time I look back, his guard is down - he’s ushering away the dog, or trying to as well as he can without turning away from me.

‘Go, go, go to your dad,‘ he’s saying, like it can understand him. Maybe it can, I don’t know - but his eyes are still fixed on me. It doesn’t matter. He could never intimidate me - and it sure as hell isn’t gonna make this hurt any less.

I reel my arm back, gloved fingers tightening around the frigid projectile in my hand, and…

Boomph!

To my side, applause. To my front, the pained yelp of some runt who thought he was doing the right thing by sucking the fun out of everything. Behind that, the pitter-patter of paws against snow-covered tarmac; looks like our old target finally has a reason to panic.

But the snowball hasn’t even left my hand.

The rallying cries all around me lead my gaze to Bernie, just beside me - his eyes lock with mine for a moment as the sunlight catches his eyes. The way he grins, his eyes practically begging for approval he knows he already has… I swear it makes my heart stop for a second.

The flurry of white being loosed from hands behind him means nothing to me for a few seconds in that oasis of calm, until that fucking asshole Jan bumps into me in an eagerness to join the fray. 

Sure, I’m focused - but the way I push him right back and knock him on his ass is enough of a price to pay. It’s worth losing my snowball over as it scatters across his coat. Or so I thought - he’s still standing there. 

The dog is long gone by now, but that doesn’t mean the fun’s gotta stop. Not when I’ve finally confirmed that he’s not brave, just stupid. I crouch down again, eyes fixed on his half-glaring face, lips puckered like he’s trying so hard to be brave. It doesn’t matter how much we throw at him - even if I’m seeing a marked improvement in accuracy from everyone else.

Someone’s gotta take the wind out of this little shit’s sails. I’ve done it before. He thinks he can beat me, that he’s better than me for being able to take what I dish out.

He’s wrong. We’re only getting started.

As my hand reaches for the edge of the driveway, my fingers curl around the uneven grooves of a rock.

[doomonfilm]

Memories : Top 15 Films of 2020

If 2020 taught movie fans anything, it was that we shouldn’t take things for granted.  On the dollars and cents side of things, movie theaters were already facing an uphill battle to stay sustainable, but the “shelter-in-place” practice of March and beyond decimated box office returns, with many theaters yet to reopen (if they will open at all).  In terms of famous names and faces, the list of those who passed away featured numerous icons : Kobe Bryant, Kirk Douglas, Max von Sydow, Honor Blackman, Carl Reiner, Ennio Morricone, John Saxon, Wilford Brimley, Chadwick Boseman, Sean Connery, Tiny Lister Jr., Adolfo ‘Shabba Doo’ Quinones and many more transitioned to the great beyond.  Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, Shudder and a number of other streaming services saw themselves step into the forefront of the entertainment provider realm, with Warner Brothers and a handful of other studios making announcements that they will be following suit for at least 2021, if not for good.

With all of this uncertainty and chaos, however, the year 2020 was a surprisingly strong one, in my opinion, when it came to cinematic output... so much so, in fact, that aside from a number of Honorable Mentions, my list of top films was expanded to 15 in order to accommodate all of my choices.  For anyone who has checked out my lists from previous years, you will know that I did not see every film released this year, but I did make my best effort to cover as wide a range of films as possible.  Enjoy the list, and be sure to support film in whatever medium you are able to moving forward so that it can thrive.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

The 40-Year-Old Version (dir. Radha Blank) A nice little personal film that spoke to my hip-hop sensibility, as well as that ever-present awareness of the inevitability of age, and how it can skew our perspective in regards to our achievements.

Ava (dir. Tate Taylor) This isn’t the action film that’s going to reinvent the wheel, but if you look at action films like wheels, this is a quality wheel.  Outside of Common, I couldn’t really find much to shoot down... this will definitely be one I consider the next time I have company and we’re looking for something fun to check out.

Bill & Ted Face The Music (dir. Dean Parisot) I honestly would have been satisfied with just two films in this franchise, but surprisingly, a third entry was created that didn’t ruin my overall enjoyment of the previous two films.  Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter jumped in without missing a beat, a healthy dose of familiar faces popped back up, and the new cast additions weren’t too jarring... it’s nice to know that a pair of my favorite childhood films are officially now part of a trilogy.

Borat Subsequent Moviefilm: Delivery of Prodigious Bribe to American Regime for Make Benefit Once Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (dir. Jason Woliner) This was possibly the most surprising release of 2020... outside of a couple of news blips that Sacha Baron Cohen made during production, not a lot about this film was leaked prior to its release.  For such a dated character and a seemingly outdated style of humor, Borat once again exposed the simplest parts of society in an incredibly insightful (albeit cringey as all get-out) manner.

Guns Akimbo (dir. Jason Lei Howden) One of the most fun films of 2020.  Somewhere, the creative minds behind Nerve are wishing that they’d made this film instead. 

Henrietta and Her Dismal Display of Affection (dir. Jeffrey Garcia) Jeffrey Garcia is the homie, and I’ve had the pleasure of being in a number of his short films, so when he announced his intentions to write and shoot a feature film in 2020, I was completely on-board.  Miraculously, he was able to film the movie while the world was being ravaged by COVID-19, and though I cannot publicly announce details yet, this film has definitely already met (and likely succeeded) his expectations.

The Midnight Sky (dir. George Clooney) With each film that George Clooney directs, I realize more and more than he is an old soul trapped in a body idolized by the new school of film.  That being said, it’s nice to know that there are directors out there willing to embrace patient, silent and contemplative moments while simultaneously withholding from force-feeding viewers exposition.  

Tenet (dir. Christopher Nolan) This was possibly the most anticipated release of the year, considering it was the king of the IMAX release crowd in its pre-release promotion.  After a small delay due to COVID-19, it was one of the first films released in hopes of testing the movie-going waters during what was sure to be a diminished period of time, which probably hurt its numbers.  Too many, the film was confusing, and the nit-picking was fierce from the criticism contingency, but in all honesty, this was pretty impressive Nolan fare... certainly a good second movie in a Nolan double feature.

The Trial of the Chicago 7 (dir. Aaron Sorkin) I cannot tell a lie... I was hugely impressed with how Sorkin managed to reel his personality and voice back in order to let this well-known, controversial moment in time present itself.  Sorkin has a tendency to be the star of his films, be it when he is in the writer or director role, but for this film, he managed to focus the best parts of his skillset into a highly respectful, educational and inspiring tale that fit the tumultuous summer we endured.

VHYes (dir. Jack Henry Robbins) I remember seeing this trailer as 2019 was coming to a close, and it was a film high on my list of desired viewing.  Then 2020 reared its ugly, stupid head and many releases disappeared into obscurity or found themselves delayed.  Luckily, this one slipped through the cracks and found a home in the streaming world, which in all honesty, suited its presentation very well.  One of the most delightfully weird films of the year, hands down. 

Vivarium (dir. Lorcan Finnegan) Of all the films cut from my Top 15 list, this was the toughest cut to make.  I went into the film totally blind (with Jesse Eisenberg and my respect for his acting chops being the sole selling point), but this film really hit a lot of my buttons... it’s trippy as can be, there is a character that is freakishly unique and wholly unnerving, and the production design leaves a lasting impression.  Don’t let the Honorable Mention designation fool you... this one is a winner.  

Wonder Woman 1984 (dir. Patty Jenkins) The Christmas gift that the masses collectively decided that they did not want.  Much like Ava, there is one glaring aspect of this film that I could have done without, but otherwise, I found this to be an enjoyable film.  Gal Gadot was made for this role, while Kristen Wiig and Pedro Pascal stepped up to the plate and impressed.  If you’re looking to be blown away, the Wonder Woman franchise isn’t the smartest place to go, but if you’re looking for entertainment, there’s plenty of it here.   

THE TOP 15 FILMS OF 2020

15. Mignonnes (dir. Maïmouna Doucouré) This one started off the year with plenty of controversy.  What was an award-winning tale about womanhood and the difficulties surrounding coming of age in an ever-changing and evolving world quickly devolved into a campaign to ban the film (and Netflix).  Many people overlooked the film as a cautionary tale about what access to the Internet and the sexually-charged nature in which women are portrayed can do to developing girls, instead choosing to accuse the film of being fodder for malicious types seeking to exploit the sexualizing of young women.  More than anything, in my opinion, Mignonnes served as an example of our outrage-fueled culture and the way it tends to skew our perspective and/or our ability to take art at face value.

14. His House (dir. Remi Weekes) As I’ve mentioned many times over the past week or so on this blog, horror films were one of the few genres that found a benefit from the film industry’s transition to streaming services for primary access to film.  While a number of traditional horror films received notice, His House took the opportunity to not only make a pure horror film, but one that spoke on racism and the conditions that asylum-seekers and refugees face.  The film is well-acted, the production value is high quality, and it’s paced beautifully... while not the highest film on this list, it is certainly one I will encourage others to see as time goes by.

13. All Day and a Night (dir. Joe Robert Cole) When human nature reared its ugly head during COVID-19 in the form of numerous race-related killings, multitudes of businesses quickly adopted the Black Lives Matter mantra, with film distributors and streaming services taking advantage of the moment to produce and release content relevant to cultural and social awareness.  Netflix was no different, and of the many films they released in the wake of the harrowing events, All Day and a Night is the one that feels the most sincere and honest in its approach and presentation.  The streets of Oakland are presented with a vast array of characters, each with complex backgrounds and states of mind, all of which helps the viewer understand the pressure many minorities live with and process on a daily basis.

12. She Dies Tomorrow (dir. Amy Seimetz) Execution is king, even when applied to the simplest of premises, and She Dies Tomorrow is a shining example of this.  In a very John Cassavetes move, director Amy Seimetz took her payment from her appearance in Pet Sematary and used it to fund a personal project that more than likely would have been ignored by studio heads.  The result is a hypnotic, entrancing and haunting film where stillness and anticipation play antagonist, while we as viewers feel the need to transpose ourselves into the protagonists we are presented due to their stilted but emotional performances.  Hopefully this one finds some notoriety in the cult classic realm as the years pass.

11. The Vast of Night (dir. Andrew Patterson) For a debut film, The Vast of Night handles itself with a surprising amount of confidence in its vision.  The immersion is nearly instant as we are first placed in the premise of a TV show, and then a 1950′s town, but once the actors and camera get going, it’s up to us as viewers to strap in for the ride.  The story is deeply intriguing, the performances are strong enough to carry a very dialogue heavy movie, and the final act is chilling in its reveals.  I will be surprised if this one finds its way to a Best Original Screenplay nomination due to it being a debut film from a relatively unknown writer/director, but if it manages to get the nomination it will certainly be a well-deserved one.

10. Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) (dir. Cathy Yan) The movie that broke the list.  If someone would have told me in 2019 that a film directly connected to Suicide Squad would be anywhere on a Top Films list I curated, I would have laughed dead in their face, and yet, here we are.  It’s like every good idea that was poorly executed in Suicide Squad found new life in Birds of Prey, which makes the film not only an entertaining watch, but a satisfying one.  Not only is Margot Robbie perfect in this film (as well as given a break on the exploitative costuming), but Mary Elizabeth Winstead arguably takes a stab at stealing the show with her performance.  Don’t let the DCEU association fool you... Birds of Prey is the real deal.    

9. Never Rarely Sometimes Always (dir. Eliza Hittman) Probably the most contemplative film on the entire list, and impressive in its nature for sure.  To my knowledge, the cast is made up of mostly unknowns (unless I’m sleeping on actors and actresses, which has been known to happen), and as a result, a tough slice of life to swallow is presented in an extremely grounded nature.  Sidney Flanigan gives a powerful performance, hopefully the first of many.

8. Possessor [Uncut] (dir. Brandon Cronenberg) Easily the most “what the f-ck” film on this list, and certainly one worthy of the Cronenberg name.  Andrea Riseborough has been on my radar since Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) and Mandy, and seeing her in a lead role confirms her talent.  I’m a sucker for science-fiction films that don’t rely on digital effects and elaborate set pieces, and Possessor rings both of those bells with a vengeance.  I watched the uncut version, which has a couple of extremely brutal sequences that will unnerve even the most hardened viewer, but these sequences only serve to drive home the lost nature of Tasya, our protagonist.  This one isn’t for everyone, but for those who can stomach a bit off graphicness and process a narrative that doesn’t spoon-feed you answers, this one is a must see.

7. Da 5 Bloods (dir. Spike Lee) Spike Lee has always been a huge influence on me as both an aspiring filmmaker and a fan of the medium, but I’d be lying if I told you that his last decade was a memorable one.  Outside of BlacKkKlansman, Lee has found himself falling short of his vision more often than not, but Da 5 Bloods is a tonal and stylistic bullseye.  Fans of Lee will dig it, fans of Vietnam films will dig it, and anyone who had an inkling of respect or admiration for Chadwick Boseman will be moved.  If Lee continues to make films as good as this one, he may find an entirely new generation of fans as a result.

6. Soul (dir. Pete Docter) As mentioned at the top of this list, people love to try and sink films due to their own personal agendas, and Soul found itself in the crosshairs prior to its late 2020 release.  Many people were upset that a minority character would not only spend most of the movie as a blue blob, but would also seemingly serve as a tool for another character’s “salvation”.  That being said, once Soul dropped, anybody with common sense dropped those stances and realized that Pixar had not only made a stunningly beautiful film, but one that likely spoke to adults more than children.  Plain and simple, Soul is a bonafide instant classic.

5. Kajillionaire (dir. Miranda July) If Evan Rachel Wood doesn’t win an Oscar for her performance in Kajillionaire (or at least garner a nomination), Hollywood needs to collectively have their head checked.  Every year worth its salt has a weird, quirky but loveable film, and Miranda July more than succeeded in making one for 2020.  The humor, both physical and dialogue-based, is on point, and the bittersweet nature of the story is gut-wrenching as the film progresses.  This one was probably the biggest surprise for 2020 in terms of prior awareness versus post-watch admiration.

4. Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom (dir. George C. Wolfe) The final film of Chadwick Boseman’s short but prolific career is one that allowed him to exist in the wake of his reality, making his performance powerful and (seemingly) cathartic.  He is surrounded by supreme talent on all sides, as there are no weak performances in this film, and despite it essentially being a play shot for film, it feels far from limited, contained or constrained.  Not only does it speak on larger issues of the commodification of Black pain and talent, but it may serve as a vehicle for a posthumous Oscar for Boseman.

3. The Devil All The Time (dir. Antonio Campos) This was the first Netflix original that made me really and truly respect them as a film distributor.  The list of talent for The Devil All The Time is truly impressive, and Tom Holland knocked his lead role out of the park.  Robert Pattinson is great as always, and the way that the story winds back into itself keeps you locked in and connected until the credits roll.  For something that came out so many months ago, it’s respectable that it was able to hold such a high position on a list that was as fluid as any I’ve ever put together.

2. Mank (dir. David Fincher) For a time, this was the hands down film of the year on my list.  Gary Oldman has basically become a “can do no wrong” actor, and his performance was amplified by David Fincher’s ability to emulate the look, sound and feel of a bygone Hollywood era.  On top of this, the built in intrigue that comes with handling anything remotely connected to Orson Welles is present, making Mank almost feel like a companion piece to the prolific film that is Citizen Kane.  If The Devil All The Time was a victory for Netflix, then Mank was the win that put them into a true spot as contenders in the future of film distribution. 

1. I'm Thinking of Ending Things (dir. Charlie Kaufman) Where does one even begin with Charlie Kaufman?  Time and again, he proves to be one of the most truly unique voices to gain fame.  For I’m Thinking of Ending Things, Kaufman seemingly returns to his foundation of odd, offbeat love stories, only to take us on a journey of truly mind-bending and psyche-warping proportions.  Of all the movies on this list, this is the one that almost demands repeat viewings, as one must have an idea of the entire journey before they can understand the individual aspects laid out.  If dialogue isn’t your thing, then this one may not hold you, but that would be a shame, as this beautiful mystery stands head and shoulders above the rest of 2020′s stellar output.