#{ carlisle || esme cullen // wastheheart }

[mvndrvke]

@wastheheart ( continued )

Carlisle has felt the hopelessness of a life without end for centuries. There's so much that he understands in the lives he's lived, and yet there's still so much he doesn't know.

"No," he says in answer to her question. "I looked for you. I wanted to be sure you were alright. You didn't go hunting with him."

Not a question, just a statement. It's a concern, not just for Esme but for the rest of the coven. Carlisle has found that things are easiest when the stinging isn't all-consuming, when there's other thoughts beyond hunger. Carlisle's control over himself is unique. Other vampires he's met beyond his coven have told him that animal blood is lacking something, but Carlisle's never had anything else. It doesn't make a difference to him.

"Pushing on isn't always moving on. You don't have to let your old life go completely. You can't. It's always going to be part of you. But you don't have to work through it alone. Being alone is.... hell, in its own way."

[mvndrvke]

Carlisle can't help but chuckle. "They were certainly something to behold," he admits. "Though I had a harder time getting used to planes. They're fascinating. Terrifying, but there is something enchanting about being up in the air like that."

He grins at Esme, pressing a kiss to her neck. "Listen to the radio, take pictures at every landmark we visit. It sounds perfect, honestly."

A smile touches her lips for what feels like the first time in hours. "I enjoy driving. I would say I remember a time women weren't allowed, but I suppose cars are still a novelty to you overall," she teases, her playfulness slowly returning as she regulates herself against Carlisle. "We can be true American backpackers," she continues, her smile becoming somewhat of a smirk, "stay in crappy motels and enjoy the local wildlife."

[feltferal]

He's been with Alice twenty years and thirty two days, with the Cullens two years seventy six days. Neither of them feel comfortable, but Alice is naturally the better of the two options. Yet even she is far from perfect. Jasper only watches her less warily than the rest. Where she floats and dances, completely at home here, he stalks and lurks, all dangerous predator like vampires are supposed to be. A coven that blended in with humans rather than eating them? He'd called bullshit immediately.

Alice had been adamant, citing her own gold eyes and promising him a new path forward. She had held his hand like a child on the hunt despite his hesitancy. Tugged him into the house with gentle murmurs though she'd been so thrilled to just be there she'd left his side rather quickly. He can't blame her even though it stung how swiftly she'd embraced what he saw only as a threat.

Carlisle tries. Esme tries. He thinks they genuinely want him to be a part of whatever this is. Maybe if he hadn't been flung into everything at once it would have been easier. All of it is foreign to him. Living indoors, fresh clothes, an unchanging group of people who had yet to so much do more than verbally snap at him. The strange environment feels like it stretches his entire being until he fears he'll snap. Lash out hiss spit bite claw because none of it makes any damn sense to him.

His hint that she should leave well enough alone is missed. Or Esme really does want to know and Jasper can't fathom why. Alice knew enough from her visions, her face soft and fallen when he flinched away or gave a warning growl. They'd never talked about it more than establishing boundaries. She wasn't allowed to touch him for the first few years after his non decision to put her on the ground took her by surprise.

"Isn't it obvious?" Bitter words are spat out like a bad taste. Surely Esme couldn't be that naive. Though evidently the world was much more peaceful than he'd been lead to believe and some clearly didn't even know what went on down south, he'd though even she knew what a bite looked like. They should all have them from being turned. "I was almost a hundred before I met Alice."

@wastheheart - here

[roshale]

@wastheheart said : " look , you can't run away from you . "

     RUNNING AWAY was never really an option , or else rose would have chosen to do that long ago . sure , to give credit where credit is due , the cullens never held her captive . ( save her newborn stage -- that should count , but they had good reason to keep her locked in the house . ) once she could control herself , carlisle gave his proposition : ' you may leave , or you may stay . the decision is yours . '      esme doesn't mean it in the same way , of course . the exact opposite is true ; how will rosalie react now that she's decided to stay ?      they moved away from rochester after her revenge had been made and resettled in the south . an idiotic choice , in her opinion , but it was far too soon for her to speak up more than just rolling her eyes and refusing to leave the house . most days were too sunny , anyway .      ❛ i can't be myself anymore , not when i'm like this .  ❜ it had been a year , and the grief was as strong as ever . undeniably , she was still beautiful . the red had now completely faded from her eyes and turned to that beautiful gold that matched her hair -- but it wasn't her . though she was eternally young , she felt like she had aged so much . ❛ i don't care who i used to be .  ❜

[sherunsfaster]

@wastheheart asked: "it's okay to rest. i'm right here." from the when it gets hard meme !!

leah had gotten her ass handed to her by a rogue vampire. a nomad drawn in from the flurry of vampire activity around and the scent of the shifters outside of the perimeter of the reservation. the smell of blood had drawn her to the area and she barely had time to ask for back up via the mind link before she was sailing across the clearing and into a tree. her injuries weren't as bad as jacob's had been, but carlisle had needed to rebreak her leg to reset it properly by the time they had gotten her back to the cullen mansion.

sleep hadn't come easily, because her mind was filled with the memories of the night jacob almost died for her. the agonizing screams he made while carlisle had to rebreak most of the bones on the right side of his body... the guilt that she had been reckless and he probably only tried to save her to make a big statement because he thought he still had a chance at winning bella over. but she had eventually fallen asleep, only to be woken up in a cold sweat, her racing heart and quickened heartbeat likely drawing the attention of everyone in the home.

at least esme had been the one to come check on her. shaking her head, leah's fingers gripped the sheets as she pulled herself up to rest back against the headboard of the bed. she wasn't sure which cullen's room she had overtaken -- or if they had extra rooms in the home. ❝ i think that's a sign i should stay awake for a bit. ❞ at least while she was awake she could find something to preoccupy her subconscious. ❝ and no you don't need to make me any food. but do you have water? tap's fine. ❞ she anticipated esme's next question.

[mvndrvke]

Carlisle has not felt absolution in centuries. Forgive me, Father, I've sinned carries no weight when you are immortal. A human priest cannot hold anything to an immortal sinner. Can they absolve anything? Truly?

Esme is different. Esme has entered the immortal life with him. While not necessarily by her choice, there was so much more of her life left to live. Esme is an angel, stepping delicately into the Garden of Eden with the answer to salvation on her lips. In her hands, in her words. In everything she does. To love Esme is to bask in the holy devotion. God's forgiveness cannot compare to that of Esme, whose altar is the one Carlisle will pray at until the end of time.

"Thank you," he whispers, throat tight as it truly settles in how much it means to him. "I'm sorry I doubted. I love you."

For a moment, she believes she has said something wrong. The alarm lines her face as his knees find the floor. She is unable to stop him, unable to have predicted his reaction.

Esme's arms lightly wrap around his head, fingers gently circling through golden locks. "Then I forgive you. For your transgressions, real or imagined. I forgive you, Carlisle." Her voice breaks slightly, hurting that Carlisle cannot forgive himself; that he believes himself a monster, not worthy of love or forgiveness. "And I always will."

She kneels with him, arms hooking under his arms to holding him close to her chest. "Let it go, my love. Let me be your strength as you have been mine."

[mvndrvke]

"It's different. It's a feeling, not a vision. It's just something I've always known." And now he's lost. He has no idea. Carlisle's expression makes no mystery of his emotions; he knows he's safe to show his true fear and worry in front of his wife. "You're not alarming me. You know I value your insight more than anyone else's." Good or bad, her opinions are always the most important to him.

Carlisle can't stop himself from grimacing. "Aro thinks I collected Edward and Alice because of their powers," he says. "Like I'm forming my own army of gifted vampires. Crafting something in his image, like he's someone worth emulating." He shakes his head slowly. "We were friends once. Closer than friends. I thought we understood each other, and yet.... here we are. Enduring the unrelenting pressure of their influence from thousands of miles away."

"We don't know that, even Alice," she replies gently, a hand gently finding Carlisle's chest. "I want nothing more than centuries with you, with all of you. And I know Edward wishes for the same future with Bella... A future he will get, I know. Both her and the child are in safe hands." Fingertips gently tap against her husband. "I don't mean to alarm you, Carlisle, I just know how unpredictable our lives have been these past few years."

Living on edge was something she believed left in her human life, but Victoria changed that; after dealing with the newborns, Esme stupidly let herself relax. "They're hardly good people," she offers in way of a throw away comment, conscious of Carlisle's past relationship with them. Whereas Esme has never trusted them, Carlisle's trust in them has only recently begun to falter (at least in her eyes). "I don't think it's necessarily to spite you," she continues, not sure if she completely believes her own words, "I think they're creatures of chaos— they enjoy it, seek it out."

[mvndrvke]

Carlisle nods. "Of course, yeah," he says. "I like going on drives with you. It's nice." Like a stroll, really, considering how fast they can naturally move as vampires. "You can change your mind at any time if you want to. We'll take our time and enjoy the trip and spending the time together. It's been way too long since we've taken some time just for us."

These are the moments in which Esme feels as if she's found the equivalent of sleep. Having Carlisle with her like this nourishes her soul in a way she can't verbalise.

The thought of a train made her feel slightly sick. The last time she had seen Ohio was from the window of a train, she isn't sure she can do that again for a little while yet. "Perhaps we can drive?" she suggests, tracing circles against his back with soft fingertips. "I don't know, it'll give us time to stop and think along the way... a chance to turn back if it gets too much?"

[mvndrvke]

Carlisle rests his temple against Esme's, closing his eyes and feeling them both ease just being close to each other like this.

Carlisle nods his head. "Of course," he says. "We haven't been there in a long time." For good reason; there's so many memories they left behind there. "We can take the train or a flight if you'd like. It's an important trip; there's no need to rush it. We'll just take it one bit at a time."

Esme takes a shaky inhale, her forehead finding Carlisle's own and resting there. He is so very good to her, she can't help the way unworthiness hangs over her like stubborn rainclouds.

"I..." Esme isn't sure. Being asked what she wants is still so novel to her. Just trying to simply push on offers safety in ways feeling like this doesn't. "I just... can we..." the suggestion struggles, the idea absurd to her let alone to Edward. "Can we go back to Ohio?" she asks finally, pulling back to see if she can see the answer in his gaze before he can reply. "Just the two of us? I left without much closure."

[mvndrvke]

Carlisle shakes his head. "It's not selfish," he promises her. "I can take as much time off as you'd like." He so rarely uses any of his time off, and is the first to volunteer to cover shifts for others. He doesn't think anyone will complain if he takes some time off to spend with Esme.

"We could go on a trip, if you don't want to be here at home. Or we can stay right here the whole time. Whatever you need, alright? I'm here for you."

Esme is too drained to explain how loving as fiercely as she does feels nothing more than a curse. She wishes to take a leaf from her mother's book; to choose and use her apathy as it benefits her.

She can't look at the small box and its contents, not right now. Vampiric memory has burned the images of the items she's managed to glance at into her memory. Right now, she can't decide if it's a gift or a curse. "Do you have to work tomorrow?" she asks, her tone unbearably pathetic— at least to her. "I know it's selfish when we've got eternity together."

[mvndrvke]

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Carlisle says, voice quiet but firm. "Nothing. Not to me or anyone. You love so fiercely and so beautifully. To feel that love for even a moment is a gift. There's nothing wrong with grief."

He nods, pressing a kiss to Esme's temple. "We can stay here as long as you want," he promises. "As long as you need. And whenever we face the world again, it'll be us facing it together. Okay?"

Esme sobs until she wretches, holding onto Carlisle tighter until she's gasping for air despite not needing it. If she could produce tears, his shirt would be drenched. Instead the seams of human made shirts have ripped slightly with Esme's desperation.

"I'm s-sorry." To her son, to Carlisle for having him see her like this.

It simultaneously feels as if mere seconds and hours have passed. She has done everything to try and forget, to make Edward's life easier. She didn't realise just how much she had pushed everything down— bottled up. At least as her breathing has finally settled with her exhaustion. "Can we just stay here?" she asks meekly, "until I can face the world again?"

[mvndrvke]

Carlisle pulls Esme into his arms, holding her tightly against his chest. He shifts the memory box gently with his foot so it's not disrupted by them before he pulls Esme fully into his lap. He strokes her hair gently, slow and soothing.

"It's okay," he whispers. "It's okay, love, let it out."

Her breathing ceases completely as soon as he shows her her son's framed foot and hand prints. They are so incredibly small, so delicate. She wants to take each item in her hands but she's afraid her violent trembling might break them. His eyes were the same colour as Charles', but more importantly, Carlisle's, bringing a slight smile to dry lips.

It's his birth certificate alongside his portrait that finally causes Esme to lose her faltering composure. The two pieces of paper prove that he existed; they confirm her baby was real, not merely foggy recollections she could never never achieve clarity with.

She turns, throwing arms around Carlisle and burying her face against the space between his shoulder and neck. Her sobs are muted by skin, her fingers desperately clinging to the man she loves; as if this moment has finally granted her permission to grieve completely and openly.

[mvndrvke]

"Of course." Carlisle shifts so Esme can lean against him, one arm around her so he can rub gentle circles on her back. He presses kisses to each of her fingertips on the hand she'd pulled away from the box before he undoes the ribbon and opens the box.

"There's prints of his little hand and foot here," he says, voice soft as he shows Esme the ink prints kept safe in little frames. "And a sketch portrait one of the nurses did. There's a lock of hair. He had dark hair like you. It suited him." Carlisle shows her each item slowly, voice gentle and quiet as he goes through them. "A copy of his birth certificate. The Church where he was buried gave me a rosary too that I kept in here. And then I put this in here." He shows her the little jar he'd added to the box, mostly full of sea glass, but with some pebbles and shells too, and a couple shiny beads. "Maybe it shouldn't be, but whenever there was something I saw that was the same color as his eyes, I put it in here."

It doesn't matter how quick he is, it feels hours before he's by her side once more. Her sudden bravery dissolves with the sight of the small box, the bow around it not only holding it together, but her too.

Esme snuggles closer to Carlisle. Her hand that has found his is squeezing his fingers so incredibly tightly, part of her worries she'll break them. Her other hand reaches towards the box, fingers momentarily brushing the ribbon before retracting it as if she's been burned.

"Can..." Her throat restricts, her voice coming out as nothing more than a whisper. "Can you take me through it?" She's scared she'll break it like she had the baby it all once belonged to. "Please?"

[mvndrvke]

Carlisle nods. "Of course," he says. He presses a kiss to her temple before he stands. Vampiric speed makes it a quick journey to the closet in his office, and he collects the small blue box from the top shelf, secured shut with a delicate white ribbon.

He brings the box back to Esme, sitting on the floor again. He presses a kiss to her temple and sets the box in front of them. "Take your time."

It eases her to know that Carlisle doesn't hold her actions against her. That he never said she shouldn't have. He accepted her choice and decided in the circumstances the actions to take. She doesn't think she could have adjusted so well in this life if he had admonished her for the choice she made to end her mortal one. "I think you did a fantastic job on your own, Carlisle. But I am privileged to have been able to help and love those who need it."

Esme nods in reply to Carlisle's words. Fingers squeeze around his hand, her own parent's graves coming to mind. It was the natural order of things for parents to die before their children, but how did one navigate outliving their parents multiple times? "That's okay, you don't have to be good at it."

Esme averts her attention to the wall opposite them. Eyes examine the texture of the paint normally missed by humans. It feels like forever before she finds the words to answer. "Can we look now?" she decides quietly, her attention briefly turning back to Carlisle in a moment of bravery. "We've spoken so much about it him, I—" her voice breaks followed by an inhale. "It feels like the natural decision."

[mvndrvke]

"I know," Carlisle murmurs. "And there's no shame in thinking that. I'm so proud of you for embracing your life after. I was scared you wouldn't adjust, but you did. And you've been an incredible partner to me and mother to the coven. I wouldn't be able to do any of this without you. I could barely do it on my own to begin with."

Carlisle nods. "I would. Yeah. With some time, I think. I check every fifty years or so to make sure everything is as it should be, but visiting is just.... not something I'm best at."

He presses a kiss to Esme's temple, and holds her hand until Esme speaks again. He nods. "Of course," he says. "And we don't have to go through it now, or today. You can take all the time you need to. But I'd be honored to go through it with you."

"I was so ready for it to be over," she whispers, barely even loud enough for vampires to hear. "I was just glad at the time Charles couldn't take it from me." A truth she had never acknowledged out loud before. As much as she had come to resent her parents, she knew the resulting rumours of that possible controversy would ruin them. It was better she had disappeared. "Enjoying life again came slowly for me, but I wouldn't have it any other way now."

His smile coaxes one of her own, but not without recognising that brief reaction to grief. "We can visit your parents' grave together one day, if you would like?" she asks softly, pushing hair away from her husband's eyes. "And perhaps we can do the same for Edward, but not without his permission." Esme wants to say her thanks— for giving her a son she loves so dearly.

Carlisle's admission takes a moment to register. She had wanted to ask if he managed to keep at least a lock of her son's hair, but she could never form the words. She swallows, hands trembling with the weight of the decision. Part of her never wishes to see it, to feel that grief afresh, but how could she decline his efforts? "Will—" the trembling finds her voice, "will you go through it with me? I don't think I can do it alone."

[mvndrvke]

His gaze darts up to search her face. Can I absolve you? Esme's words pierce through him in a way he can't explain. They've built a paradise here to live with their family, to make memories and enjoy their immortal lives. Maybe it's blasphemous to give Esme this power, but he finds with those spoken words that he doesn't care if it is.

A small noise escapes him, and he knows if he was still able to, he would be crying. He finds himself on his knees, head bowed, and presses his temple to Esme's stomach.

"Please."

"Can I absolve you, Carlisle?" she whispers, golden irises scanning the familiar contours of her husband's face. "If there is no god, then let me forgive you in His place." As much as Carlisle won't admit it, she can't help but think it's the one thing he's always been seeking— forgiveness.

He doesn't need it, he never has, but Esme will provide it nonetheless.

"And our life, Carlisle, the family we have forged... it is full of love. For our mates, for each other, and most definitely for you. Every single person under this roof holds so much respect for you."