#{ bella || esme cullen // wastheheart }

[mvndrvke]

@wastheheart : i’m here, nothing can harm you.

“It’s not me I’m worried about.” Bella looks down at Maria, curled up asleep in her arms. She’s so small. She’s terrified any little movement she makes will break her. She listens for a moment to her daughter’s heartbeat before she looks at Esme. “I’m so scared I’m going to do something wrong. That I’m gonna’ raise her wrong, or something bad will happen and I don’t know what to do. She’s so little, Esme.” She looks back at Maria. “I don’t know how to do this.”

[mvndrvke]

"Alice has foresight," Bella grumbles. "That's the next best thing."

She takes another couple bites of muffin and drains her glass of water. She feels a little bit better, even if she's unwilling to properly admit it. She still manages a small smile when Esme says it's nice to see her again.

"Yeah. Me too." She falls silent for another moment. "Can you help me get upstairs?" She doesn't need help, not really, but it feels to pitiful to ask for another hug.

There is silence, one which Esme isn't sure how to fill. Bella's anger and pain is valid and a bitter pill to swallow for Esme. "We shouldn't have." Her statement doesn't try to argue against Bella or deny her her truth, she's just honest. "I know that now, I think we all do, but vampires are as fallible as humans, unfortunately. Hindsight is a wonderful thing when you have it."

She lets Bella have her space, wondering to the cabinets of the kitchen and leaning against the countertop as she takes in the sounds of the place; a faint, continuous buzzing of the fridge and the steady ticking of a clock.

Esme's eyes wander back to Bella as soon as she speaks again, a small lopsided smile appearing with the girl's words. "And it's nice to see you again. I am sorry, Bella. I wish it could have been in different circumstances."

[sherunsfaster]

@wastheheart asked: "it's okay to rest. i'm right here." from the when it gets hard meme !!

leah had gotten her ass handed to her by a rogue vampire. a nomad drawn in from the flurry of vampire activity around and the scent of the shifters outside of the perimeter of the reservation. the smell of blood had drawn her to the area and she barely had time to ask for back up via the mind link before she was sailing across the clearing and into a tree. her injuries weren't as bad as jacob's had been, but carlisle had needed to rebreak her leg to reset it properly by the time they had gotten her back to the cullen mansion.

sleep hadn't come easily, because her mind was filled with the memories of the night jacob almost died for her. the agonizing screams he made while carlisle had to rebreak most of the bones on the right side of his body... the guilt that she had been reckless and he probably only tried to save her to make a big statement because he thought he still had a chance at winning bella over. but she had eventually fallen asleep, only to be woken up in a cold sweat, her racing heart and quickened heartbeat likely drawing the attention of everyone in the home.

at least esme had been the one to come check on her. shaking her head, leah's fingers gripped the sheets as she pulled herself up to rest back against the headboard of the bed. she wasn't sure which cullen's room she had overtaken -- or if they had extra rooms in the home. ❝ i think that's a sign i should stay awake for a bit. ❞ at least while she was awake she could find something to preoccupy her subconscious. ❝ and no you don't need to make me any food. but do you have water? tap's fine. ❞ she anticipated esme's next question.

[swtzrlnd]

"i think Edward is crazy about you."

ANSWERS /////// @wastheheart

SHE HERSELF FELT CRAZED ABOUT HIM - from his boyish charm and the slight dimple that appeared when he gave her a genuine smile , to the way he gently touched her face like a fragile china doll . Bella was completely besotted with Edward . She often found herself awake in the middle of the night , reassuring herself she wasn't dreaming . 

❝ Esme , does it feel like this even after changing ? ❞ she questions , barely above a whisper . Rosalie had said she would desire something more than Edward - while she couldn't imagine it she deffered to the blonde - and she wondered if the spell that she was under now would last even through the pain of the change . Would she still desire Edward ? Or , was it her blood that called to him and his own vampiric charm that fed into this cycle of adoration and longing . 

Bella glanced up at the Cullen Matriach . ❝ I'm frightened it's just going to be a very long dream . ❞

[mvndrvke]

@wastheheart : ❛  i'm here, nothing can harm you.  ❜ (for Bella?)

Bella nods, gaze remaining fixed on the ground even as Esme speaks. "I'm not afraid of becoming a vampire," she murmurs. "I'm not afraid of the Volturi. I want to become a vampire. I'm just scared that if I do, Edward will hate me. Then I'll be alone. I feel like I always end up alone."

[mvndrvke]

@wastheheart ( continued )

"I couldn't. I couldn't speak to Charlie, he...." Bella sighs, shaking her head. She stares at the cup of tea in front of her that she's positive is cold by now. "And my mom doesn't care. She doesn't talk to me unless I reach out. We've barely spoken in the last six months."

She takes a sip of tea just to give herself something to do.

"Alice doesn't know everything just because she can see the future," she murmurs. "And I did show that brokenness. Did any of you get my emails? I've been emailing Alice since you left. I never got a single reply. I feel like I've been screaming into the void for months. Sometimes literally. And nothing. Nothing."

She sniffs, wiping at her face to chase away the tears.

"I just want answers, Esme. I thought I knew Edward, but he tossed me away and I've been trying to keep myself together and keep myself safe by myself and I'm tired, Esme. I just want answers. I want closure. And you guys leaving with barely a word makes me feel like an idiot for thinking I should get that. None of you could talk to me? None of you? Am I really that worthless?"

[mvndrvke]

Bella laughs shakily, holding still while Esme wipes at her eyes. "Thank you," she says. "Not just for helping with this, but for everything."

Bella pulls Esme into a hug, resting her chin on Esme's shoulder. "We'll find him in a second," she says. "Good luck hug first."

Esme can't help her little laugh in return, Bella's excitement and equally nervousness reminding her of her own wedding day. They'll have to renew their vows one of these days; perhaps wait until they're both plausibly "dead" and merely marry again, Esme is sure Carlisle won't say no.

A packet of tissues is carefully tucked away in her clutch bag for anyone who will need them, but Bella is currently Esme's priority. She dabs her daughter's tears away, making sure her make-up remains pristine. "No, no, we won't let that happen. You still look absolutely stunning." Esme grins, holding out her hand to Bella, the used tissue in a light fist in her other hand. "Shall we find your father?"

[sherunsfaster]

@wastheheart continued from here

the shifter had softened to the cullen matriarch in her time in jake's pack. maybe she hadn't admitted that out loud, but there was the potential for edward to squeal on her. though, he would more than likely want to tune out leah's thoughts as much as leah tended to tune out the thoughts of all of the guys when she was phased.

however, the fact that she cared was evident all over her face when esme came back to the house clearly injured. the scent of whoever had done this to her was burning leah's nose and being committed to memory.

❝ or i can go get jake and we can kill it. ❞ tension's been high and she wouldn't mind getting another chance at taking down a tic that had no problems hurting others -- even other vampires. while it hadn't crossed onto the reservation, that isn't really their jurisdiction anymore. and jake would want to protect the people outside of the rez too -- and the vampires living inside the house they were guarding for the sake of bella.

❝ you think it's a nomad? or a newborn? ❞ hopefully there weren't any more scorned vampires out there raising up armies, but leah wouldn't put it past the luck of their generation's pack. or the fact that the freaky vampire counsel now knew of the shifter's existence.

[devilsanddarlings]

@wastheheart

“I’d be mighty grateful if ya did, Esme.” Though mere words could never express in that moment how grateful Jasper felt to have Esme in his life, Jasper felt compelled to say something. The Cullen matriarch may have technically been younger than him, but in that moment she was every bit the mother. Something the empath hadn’t even known he’d needed until her compassion and understanding had wrapped around him like a blanket and eased the aching tangle of emotions in his chest.

“Edward’s reaction to her cut was the worst.” Jasper quietly admitted, running a hand through his curls. “I took on most o’ his bloodlust to keep him from attackin’ her. I wanted it, but she’s not actually my singer. I figured y’all would have a better chance of stoppin’ me than him.”

“And…for Bella’s sake, I’m willin’ to let everyone believe I lost control rather than him. I’m used to bein’ the disappointment. People expect me to slip because of my past,” the blonde reasoned with a shrug. “What’s one more time? I just wish Alice had used gift bags instead. It would’ve saved us all a headache.”

Esme's chest immediately collapsed with Jasper's grief. She offered the smallest, lopsided of smiles. "I know you're sorry, Jasper, you don't have to tell me and I'm sure Bella knows too, but yes... I'll let her know regardless."

It wasn't Bella he needed to worry about. Edward hadn't said a word while waiting for Carlisle to suture Bella's wound, taking himself outside to pace and ignoring everyone else. Rosalie hadn't (and still wasn't) helping matters, so tensions everywhere were undeniably high. "Alice tries her best, but nothing is completely fool-proof. It's no-one's fault, Jasper. Things happen in split seconds and unfortunately we just deal with the consequences. I'm sure if it was just yourself, Edward and Bella, nothing would have happened. You're burdened by our emotions and I'm sorry for that."

Esme exhaled, her head tilting to the side as she watched Jasper. "I'm not angry, no-one is. We're just worried about you, Alice especially. You two can't beat yourselves up over the unexpected, it's not fair on either of you."

[mvndrvke]

Bella gives Esme a small, reassuring smile that she hopes help her feel better. She doesn't fully forgive, but she won't hold it against her. There's no point in letting it poison one of the few relationships she has right now that she can take strength from.

Bella smiles at the mental images that Esme offers. "He'd throw a fit if he got glue in his hair. He's so particular."

She nods in agreement. "Start slow," she repeats. "I can do that. I know the learning curve is going to be a little.... steep, I guess, all things considered. But I want Charlie to be able to know her, at least. He's a good dad, even if he's not always the best at expressing it. I don't want him to miss out on Maria's life just because mine's difficult. I think things would've been a lot different if he'd been in my life more when I was little."

"I suppose... I've never considered it... or rather, I've forgotten how quickly and slowly time simultaneously exists. It's easy for it to mean nothing at all, as I'm sure we demonstrated..." Esme replies, disappointment in herself and her coven tinging her words. Still, the smallest of smiles passes Esme's lips with Bella's request. "Of course. I'll be here for as long as you both need me."

Esme can feel the way Bella's sentiment starts to close her throat. It is similar to the way she felt after her own son was born— how grateful her son could exist in this world... however briefly.

"We'll get the whole family involved," she jokes, "let her put glitter in Jasper's hair, put glue in the hair gel..." Esme adjusts, coughing to clear the ball in her throat while hoping she hasn't awoken the babe. Thankfully, Esme's thoughts can trail to more proactive things.

"I think you're in the best position you can be in such regards... It will feel impossible at first," Esme states, refusing to lie, "you'll feel flames licking your throat with an intensity you've never felt before, but we're not going to throw you into the pit and let you figure it out. We'll start slowly. Take an underutilised hiking path... then we'll slowly build up from there. It's okay to be scared, Bella. We all were, Jasper and I still are sometimes. But I believe in you."

[mvndrvke]

"I guess a few weeks is a blink of an eye if you live forever," Bella concedes. "Just stick with me now, yeah? I need an ally. I know you'll put Maria first. I trust her with you and Rosalie more than I trust her with anyone else, which is something I never thought I'd say." She and Rosalie have never been friends, and now she's found herself with the other vampire as one of her dearest allies.

Bella's gaze softens. "It's terrifying," she admits. "But even with things feeling not quite right, even with all the bad.... I'm still so grateful she's part of our lives. That she gets to be part of the world." She turns her gaze to Maria again.

"We're gonna' make so many beautiful memories with her," she says. "Baking chocolate chip cookies, learning to ride a bike, making Halloween costumes and ornaments for the Christmas tree.... I'll figure out how to control myself. I don't want to have to miss out on anything just because we're different." She looks at Esme. "The hunger.... I know it's gonna' be really bad when I start being around humans. Does anything make it easier?"

"I know we could have handled things a lot better. You would think vampires wouldn't panic, make rash decisions... I wish we did the best for you both," Esme replies. She had tried her best to treat them both with love and respect, but between Carlisle, Edward and her own emotions, Esme knows she could have done things differently, better.

Esme nods, silently agreeing to speak to Carlisle on Bella's behalf— it's the least she can do, after all.

Golden eyes meet the red of Bella's and Esme can't help the small smile that tugs at corners of her lips. "I'll always be here to help you, both of you."

Despite the way Bella disparages herself for wanting that, Esme understands precisely what she means. After all, Esme's own mother had denied her daughter the help she so desperately asked for. "It's not at all, Bella. As mothers, we choose to bring life into this world. We shouldn't then get to choose when to care or not about our children's lives. Despite what most people think, being a mother lasts beyond a child turning eighteen. I think a lot of parents forget that."

[mvndrvke]

"I won't. I understand why people did what they did, but it wasn't just about Maria. It was about me too. I could've died either way. Every time I think about it, I feel sick. I know I'm being overly sensitive about it, but it's still so raw. It's all I can think about sometimes. I can't even go to sleep to give my mind a break."

All she wants to do is take a nap. It's something she can't do; she just lays there aimlessly until she gets bored, which she's found is stupidly fast.

Bella nods. "I'd like you to, if that's okay." She falls quiet for a long moment before glancing at Esme. "It's nice to be able to just.... ask for help from my mom and get it. I never want Maria to doubt that she can just ask for things. I know it's cringe for moms to be best friends with their kids, but I want that."

"No-one would expect you to forget, either," she assures. Esme doesn't particularly want animosity festering amongst her family, but at the end of the day it's not Esme's experience. She can't tell Bella how to feel, nor can she tell anyone else how to feel, either. No, it's something they will have to work out between them and only them, Edward included.

Esme's pulled only from her thoughts by Bella's comment. It has been so long since the beating of a heart has been present amongst them that Esme quite regularly gets caught up in it's comforting rhythm. "Of course I can. Only if you want me to, Bella. I wouldn't dream of saying anything if it feels as if I'm overstepping."

[mvndrvke]

"It's not your fault," Bella mumbles. "You were on my side. It means a lot. It's all a complicated, messy thing.... but who was and wasn't on my side isn't something I'm gonna' forget any time soon."

The beginning of her time as part of the Cullen family feels tainted now with everything that's happened. Bella shudders, a small grimace on her face before she looks at Maria again. She listens to her daughter's heart, focusing on it to calm herself.

"Maybe Carlisle does?" she says. "He's been a vampire longer than any of you. Any of us." She's part of the group now, part of the family. There's still a tone of wonder in her voice as she corrects herself. "Could.... do you think you could mention it to Carlisle before I talk to him?"

"I'm sorry, Bella, truly." Esme chews at the inside of her cheek, the events of the last month a blur for her let alone Bella. It did, and still does, have everyone on tenterhooks. Edward's logic isn't exactly sound and Esme can't say she's proud in how they handled the situation, but she can understand why Edward felt as he did, both in Bella's decision to become immortal and her decision to carry the child now sleeping in her arms. "You're not being stupid, Bella. We didn't treat you how you deserved to be treated. I can't fix that now, but I can make sure it never happens again."

Esme turns her head only to press a kiss into Bella's hairline, frowning against skin with Bella's admission. "I wish I had some sort of explanation and solution, but I can't say I've ever known a newborn with these symptoms." Esme makes sure not to say problem, she doesn't want to concern Bella more than she already is. "It's okay not to know how to ask," she continues, "but starting to ask for help is the first step in getting it. Perhaps, if you're comfortable, you can explain it to Carlisle? He wouldn't want you to be in pain as much as I don't."

[mvndrvke]

Bella smiles weakly. "It doesn't feel like I am," she admits. "The most important person, I mean. I know I'm being unfair. But the fact that we were all arguing and voting really hurt my feelings. It was like I didn't matter at all. Part of me wishes Edward could read my mind just so he could feel how much that hurt me. I'm his wife. What was the point if it made him care less? I know I'm overreacting. I know I'm being stupid. I just hate how that felt, physically and emotionally."

She nods. "I guess I didn't think about it like that," she says. "It's the first time for both of us." She sighs. "I hope it gets easier." She rests her head against Esme's shoulder. "I couldn't do this without you. Seriously, you've been such an amazing support since day one. Maria's lucky to have you as her godmother."

"In like...." She tries to think of how to describe it. "Like I got zapped touching an outlet. I still have that uncomfortable feeling running through me, even if it's not there anymore. Phantom pain, maybe." She manages a more genuine smile this time, even if it's fleeting. "I need help. I just don't know what help to ask for. I don't know what I need."

"As much as I love Edward, you are the most important person regarding this discussion. He can be hurt and he can heal, but you cannot keep these things to yourself, believe me." Esme is passionate about that, and should it come to it, she will tell Edward as much too. "Unfortunately for him he's outnumbered by women who believe in bodily autonomy, so I wouldn't worry about him disliking your decisions. They were yours alone and that's all that matters."

Esme offers a nod, still rubbing circles into Bella's scalp with gentle fingertips. "It's okay to feel that way," she replies, "especially in your circumstances. Some mothers, even those who have planned their children, feel exactly the same way. Sometimes it just takes a little time, but everyone can see you love her despite how you may feel. You have to be as gentle with yourself as you are with her. It's both your first time doing this, but you're doing a fantastic job."

Still, concern ghosts across Esme's features with Bella's admittance of lingering pain. "Not much in what way?" she asks, making a mental note to inform Carlisle. "You know, Bella, it's okay to ask for help, It takes a village, as they say. Not only to raise a child, but to care for mom too."

[mvndrvke]

Bella nods slowly. "Never," she echoes. "Never." It's a heartbreaking notion, really. She wishes it could be different. She wishes there were more, that the Cullens could see the fact that there is a choice, even if they themselves were deprived of one due to Carlisle's judgment. Her head tilts. "Does that make it better or worse?"

Bella smiles in spite of herself, but the expression is genuine. "It's very strange," she admits. "That he's lived so long, and yet he seems so much like me. And yet, he's from such a different time. I--" She stops herself to laugh, shaking her head. "I found a book in the library about courting and tried to figure out what it was he thought should be going on. It didn't work in the slightest. He thought I'd lost my mind."

"No, never." Esme isn't going to lie to Bella. "It's almost impossible to meet someone who wishes to be changed by choice... the whole secrecy of our kind thing inhibits the option of choice..."

The smile comes unexpectedly, but Esme allows herself this moment of respite. "I think he's realising how much he relied on reading people's minds through the years. With you, well... he has to interact with you as he did others when he was human and it's so easy to forget what our mortality felt like." She offers a melancholy smile. "And I suppose so, yes... He's lived this lie multiple times before, but never come across someone such as yourself."

[mvndrvke]

Bella leans against Esme, relieved by the closeness and the warmth the other woman provides to her. After so long feeling their touch as cold, it's a pleasant thing to find comfort and warmth in the Cullens now. She feels less fragile, even though she knows she still is in many ways.

"I know," she murmurs. "I just don't want to upset him. He didn't want this for me. He didn't want any of this. And I understand it, I do, but it's just.... I don't know. More that can hurt his conscience. I don't want it to lead to more bitterness and resentment between us. I know he's mad at me for the choices I've made. Even if he doesn't say it."

Bella takes a moment to properly think on it. "I feel strange," she admits. "I'm still getting used to everything. I don't feel connected to Maria how I think I should. I missed her first proper moments. But at least I'm not in pain anymore. Not much," she amends with a guilty expression. "I feel like I should feel different, but I don't know what I should be feeling instead. Does that make sense?"

Of course Esme accepts the invitation, sitting next to the pair of them with an equally adoring and concerned gaze. It was addressing the elephant in the room. Everyone had witnessed it; vampiric memory didn't let anyone forget it. Esme hoped somewhat that Bella's transformation would have made such memories hazy, yet like Maria, Bella had never done the expected thing.

Esme places an arm around Bella's shoulders, pulling her against her shoulder so both she and babe can rest comfortably. "His guilt would be unjustified, but you can be honest with him." Esme lets fingers find Bella's scalp, massaging the young woman's head gently as she talks, "I know he can't hear your thoughts, but we all witnessed your pain. Don't be afraid to talk to him about it... I think it might help the both of you process what happened, but there is no obligation. Only at your speed and willingness."

To witness what Bella went through reminded Esme of her own change. A broken spine fusing itself back together with the aid of vampire venom, other mangled bones doing the same. The agony Bella felt isn't unfamiliar to Esme, but she keeps it to herself.

"Thank you, I really appreciate that." A comfortable silence falls over them before Esme speaks again. "How do you feel now? Everyone thinks pregnancy is the hard part, but people seem to forget post-partum exists, even, surprisingly, for vampires."