#[or maybe it was gaia online? fuck which one did i have first]

[gvildmastcr]

now i'm just reminded of the warriors au for both veryn and mercer,,,, i'll post them when i get home. you guys are in for a Treat

[ramblesofadreamerofthestars]

I WANT TO SEE MY LITTLE BOY - The 100 7.05

He’s back bitches! The King Bellamy Blake has returned for two whole minutes this episode!

Spoilers for the above episode of the 100 and guess what bitches I’m finally doing this on my computer so no long ass post warning!

      The writers are sticking with their trend of giving me a character for like five minutes of screen time and making me fall in love with them huh! Amazing, sure hope nothing bad happens to Levitt because that would suck :)))). Seriously though he was so adorable, just binge watching the 100 (I’m so sorry sweetie) and falling in love with Octavia Blake and the rest of the disaster children and immediately switching sides love that for him. His little smile when he was using the skaikru words I love him, did y’all see that knee slide to get to Octavia? I want him in every episode from now on thanks, I’m sure they wouldn’t kill him for emotional damage to the audience :)))

     Ahhhh, I see, they gave Hope different haircuts to make the timeline easier to follow. Thank gods for the timeline stamps because we were jumping all over the place this episode. I thought there was going to be way more Sanctum storyline this episode and was pleasantly surprised by the balance because the anomaly storyline is just So Much Better. 

    I will say, I didn’t hate the Sanctum story this episode?? Like I didn’t enjoy it but Murphy and Emori are always a plus and Indra getting more screen time as well as being a driving force (maybe?) for the plot going forward is an Excellent decision, this bitch gets shit Done and you love to see it. The last scene had me wondering though, did he (Shaiheda) already take out the mind drive and hide it somewhere? Or do Something with it because it was a weird cut to not show the mind drive being taken out...Either way, JR Bourne really be out here doing the Most with this character huh like he really said what if I just went Off in absolutely every scene I’m in.

    That transition between Murphy getting doused in oil and his early cockroach days “I’ll survive” was So Good y’all, they knew exactly what they were doing with that. I love this stupid asshole so much, his growth? Unparalleled. His complete indifference to the faithful dying, very sexy of him despite the way everyone in the room looked at him. He’s seen the cult shit before, been there done that, and Uncle Murphy going Kill Bill Sirens when he saw the kid getting prepared to be sacrificed was incredible. Also, fuck the faithful for that?? What the actual fuck, first of all burning your people in a suicide protest is stupid but whatever that’s your issue. But children??? what the actual Fuck, I’m so sick of the faithful and Trey and everyone else fuck. Also, it took me a hot second to remember Daniel’s boyfriend whoops but ya, fuck the faithful and also??? They took over Delilah’s parents taverns and fuck them for that specifically that’s so rude

“That just tickles’ and “Had to find the right dress” “You did” who’s doing it like them, no one. They’re just such a delight to watch on screen.

       Poor Gabriel he’s really just like “Could you two not murder...for TWO MINUTES”. Hope makes sense, with her losing Dev because she hesitated to kil and her desire to find her mother and save her family. Also her line “It’s called love you son of a bitch” absolutely iconic, fuck whoever Anders is I’m so sick of all these cults trying to kill each other to become the supreme cult. Who Cares! Echo killing that man who had nothing to do with Bellamy dying and the...unstableness?? Of her expression? They have definitely made a choice with the path she’s going down which...I Guess. Sucks that after like eleven years of peace she is Still making the same choices she would have in the earlier seasons, but childhood conditioning is hard to overcome. I’ve seen people talk about her being Finn 2.0 and while I can see the similarities (the writers fucking love parallels in this show), I don’t think they’re going to have Bellamy kill her? It might be that she’s following the same downward spiral Finn did, but it wouldn’t add anything to Bellamy’s character like it did Clarke, and I think (hope) the writers have a different end in mind for Echo.

Speaking of Bardo, HOW FUCKING INTERESTING IS THAT PLANET WHAT THE FUCK! THE TECHNOLOGY IS FROM THE ORIGINAL INHABITANTS?? WHO ARE NOW CRYSTAL GIANTS FUCKING E X C U S E  M E?!?!? Shout out to Anders for that exposition but Why the Fuck are we even bothering with Sanctum when we could be exploring this planet are you fucking kidding me. What the fuck is M9 can we Please just get an episode of Bardo lore. Also, who the fuck do the new Bardoeans come from, because I think they would have had to have come from before the first apocalypse right? And why are they so fucking interested in Clarke, saying she’s the key. Like when is she not the key, but still, I have this horrible suspicion that because Every Godsdamn Thing In This Series Comes Back To The Fucking Flame, I bet you they want her because the last memory they got from Octavia, Clarke had the flame (I think?). Can you tell how sick I am of the fucking flame? 

And our king is back! They really gave us crumbs this episode, his immediate reaction to Clarke’s name, taking out four of the disciples by himself, I stan one man. Seriously, I have missed Bellamy so much these episodes (this is in no way a wahh why did Bob Morley have to leave blah blah blah, I just genuinely missed the character Bellamy Blake) and I am So Excited to finally get the gang all back together. No I don’t think for a second he’s dead lol, the anomaly was Right There and he’s not stupid. Whether he’s now on the ice planet (can you imagine if we got a Bellarke reunion next episode, I’d lose my mind) or he’s on that last planet with an active anomaly stone (likely, given how much the writers love to SEPARATE BELLAMY AND CLARKE), he’s alive and is doing whatever he can to get back to his family.

(Bob Morley said The Ring Stays On and I think that’s very valid of him)

 I do think that with all the anomaly stones and it having been like,,, 130 something years since they left, I think they’re going to turn the Earth stone back online, and the original delinquents who are left are going to come full circle and return to the place they claimed as home. 

I genuinely really enjoyed this episode, I think it was one of the best of the season so far. Next episode! We going on an Arctic Exploration featuring snow! caves! and cave spiders?? Exciting times all around and we return to our queen Clarke Griffin and her team of badasses. Also, maybe Gaia? And the identity of that man who was turning off the anomaly stone, please and thank you. Also, where the fuck is Madi? Who’s watching this kid ljdfsjfsl. Very excited to see what happens to them, less excited to see the cave spiders, but here we fucking Go!

[holyxvi]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

Fill out & repost! This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

My muse is: Canon / OC / AU / Canon-divergent / Fandomless

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. ( I’d say Mateus fans are a ~small~ collective )

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO.

Are they underrated? YES / NO. ( I’d say so, many other villains of FF get the limelight a lot, but Mateus isn’t really touched imo )

Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO.

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO

How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon?

FFII as a game itself doesn’t have a lot of canon for Mateus to really go by, much less for the rest of the cast themselves, but for what is there, I follow it heavily. Game and Novel are my primary sources, DISSIDIA doesn’t really count as it’s only a campy, abridged version of all the characters ( and sometimes even makes the characters things they are not, which unfortunately the fandom follows :/ ).

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.

For an empire that was ( according to the novel at least ) mostly forgotten about to the world to spontaneously rise up and bring fourth chaos as it did to a point where the whole planet was at war with it is a impressive feat in itself. Mateus’ actions set a lot of firsts for the series from then on that would either be repeated or called back to in later games ( i.e. Mateus having poisoned the wyverns is akin to Kefka poisoning Doma Castle in VI ). Also the fact that this man literally put up fists with both God and Satan and usurped their places? Like bro, that’s metal as fuck.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?)

*insert jokes about how he looks like Jareth the Goblin King, how hot Mateus is to a point where it makes people obliged to disclose their weird fantasies, roleplaying him as an absolute mean-girl and missing the point of his character entirely*

...No, I’m not salty, not at all. What gave you that idea? /s

What inspired you to RP your muse?

I’ve been into FF for awhile prior to joining in 2017 due to a friend, and I hadn’t even been in the RP scene since my Cringy Days on Gaia Online back in 2010. I was a total airhead who never even played II and I just liked Mateus’ design until I begun doing my own research and even diving into the game itself.

What keeps your inspiration going?

Mateus has evolved into a coping mechanism I never even knew I needed, but he’s a welcomed one. There’s not a day in hell that I don’t think about him or II itself, and the people who stay around usually encourage me to keep furthering my portrayal and whatnot. :)

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice? YES / NO.

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO. ( I think of more HCs than RP replies lmao )

Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO. ( Occansionally )

Do you think a lot about your muse during the day? YES / NO. ( head empty its Thinking of Mateus Palamecia Hours )

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO. ( I have what the kids call Low Self Esteem )

Are you confident in your writing? YES / NO.

Are you a sensitive person? YES / NO.

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?

I’d accept it well if it was constructive, not something like “oh u suck” or “why don’t you play your character the way I want you to play him???”.  I’m willing to improve and learn, I’ve been doing it for all this time.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?

Maybe too much, sometimes people will hit me with things I never even thought of and that’s when my brain gets really cranking.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?

I don’t have to like your HCs and you don’t have to like mine, that’s all I can really say to that. As interesting as the conversation might be as well, I wouldn’t want to know why, I made that mistake once with a duplicate and never again am I doing that.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, Felicia. There’s more things in this world to worry about than some scrub who hates my BPD/Traumatized portrayal of the Emperor.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?

Your choice to have bad taste, not mine lol.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?

I make a LOT of errors and sometimes even use the wrong words and don’t see it until later, having ADHD/Asperger brain makes writing a chore sometimes so if you notice something, feel free to point it out.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?

Perhaps I am, probably not “oh sweet babu uwu ur so spehscial” easy going, but I like to think I’m nice to a degree if I’m tolerable to all the people that follow me. For all the shit I’ve gone through on here, you’d think I’d be more rough around the edges, but nah. Just some things I’m very skiddish about or avoid entirely.

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

Tagged by: @xkuja​ bc this looked fun and the police can never catch Me

Tagging: Take it, say I tagged you, call Mateus and me stinky idc.

[cherrysaiyan]

There was an experience I had when I still had my dA up and running. It was over one of my old [self-insert] dbz OCs, Daiko.

At the time, her name wasn’t Daiko but Lia, which was just my name minus the S. In middle school, specifically 6th grade, I was obsessed with dbz. I made self-inserts of myself and my cousins, ‘cause we all loved dbz. Reason I took out the S from the name is because I was embarrassed over my classmates knowing that was self-insert, since a lot of them always liked looking through my sketchbooks [something I stopped doing when I had E N O U G H of them smudging the pencil art and getting finger prints all over other pages].

Now, when I started out my dA account, dbz OCs were some of the first art I put up. I don’t think I ever made it clear “Lia” was my self-insert, but I never really thought that needed to be said seeing as I made my real name public on there. It should’ve been obvious, right?

Anyways, fast forward years later, maybe some time in 2013 or 2014, maybe even 2015? At that point, I’ve pretty much abandoned my account because my abuser stilled followed my dA and a lot of the shit he forced me to draw for him was still the most recent of art I had up. I’d still post art once in a while, but then I stopped when my stalker from Gaia Online started stealing my dbz art and asking for weird requests [he kept asking for ship art of Bardock and Pan, which.. yanno, he’s her great grandpa 8| I genuinely believe this guy knew NOTHING about dbz, but that’s another story].

So, some time before I deactivated my account, someone felt the need to comment on a profile I made for Lia. This person told me that it was canon that all saiyans have black hair and eyes, and that a saiyan who lost a mate would mourn over for them a long period of time and wouldn’t move on so quickly. Now, if you remember, Lia was my self-insert. I gave her some of my traits - brown hair, green eyes, and I made her love interests the dbz guys I was madly in love with during middle school - Raditz and Yamcha. I was 11-12 yos when I came up with that stuff, and still applied it when I was like.. 16-17. When my abuser came into my life, I was never able to focus on making changes to her because all my time and energy went into him and wat he wanted.

This person left a comment about canon stuff, and I just fucking laughed. Like, at this point, I’m already in my mid 20s. I even showed this to @kaiju-z to laugh over it n shit. I know for a damn fact someone outright stole/copied Lia’s design/story. My stalker already did that as well as another person [I had a friend confirm this, and he offered to out the person, but I told him he didn’t have to], and some other random person stole another of my dbz OC’s design/looks before. But, because I hadn’t been active in so long, there’s no way I could back up my claims on the 2nd part of the former. My only alibi was the date on which I posted the art, but this person only focused on the art itself. Obviously, this person is friends with someone who stole my character Lia.

The reason I say that is due to the fact that I have a black-haired saiyaness with purple/violet eyes, another with fucking magenta hair & violet + blue streaks and blue eyes, a third with strawberry blonde hair and brown eyes, a saiyan with blond hair and blue eyes, and a saiyaness with silver hair and eyes. All outlandish hair + eye colors that stick out. But no, this person goes for my self-insert. I’m not sure how far they dug into my gallery, but they did and decided to comment on my self-insert and tell me all this canon shit and wat not. They could’ve left that comment on literally any of the listed saiyan OCs, but went for my self-insert, which made me Very Suspicious.

I replied back saying I had made all this in middle/high school, changes were a thing that’d happen soon enough. It still makes me suspicious that this person pointed out my self-insert, especially when they had a self-insert demon saiyan with red eyes. So, my only conclusion is that this person was friends with someone who ripped off my self-insert.

Being spiteful, I’ve left her hair brown and eyes green. I changed her name to Daiko, ‘cause I decided to give all my Planet Vegeta born saiyans veggie pun/related names, as well as their kids. I’ve left Daiko paired up with Yamcha. To add some extra spite, I made a new saiyansona/self-insert that I paired up with Raditz. 8) In fact, I might very well make a saiyan OC with bubblegum pink hair and bright blue eyes. 

So, I guess the moral of the story is to let people be creative regardless of canon [esp if it’s harmless creativity] and don’t steal people’s art/OCs/etc, and then enable/defend the art thief and hound out the person they stole from and tell them to change their OC.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[shayochism-moved]

// Also, in case anybody is too nervous to interact with me... Please read, even if you’re not a scared bean. Please, just read this if you follow me or want to. This explains my mindset, who I have been and who will be. 

I am literally the most nervous bean around when it comes to interaction. Seriously. I hardly interact with anybody in fear of being a fuck up or just plain annoying them. I sometimes - rarely - slip a comment to them here or there on a post, but GAD DAMN I am SCARED TO DEATH.

Why you ask? Let me tell you a story.

I have been role playing since I was little. You know, the whole ‘play’ in the playground thing acting as beloved characters etc. I loved it. When I was eleven I would still do that with the new friends I made in high school and we made our own characters through fandoms we knew (Pokemon, Digimon, Shinzo and DBZ mainly lmao). It was stupid (but fun. Ok, not stupid because we loved it and had fun, which is all that counts) because we were young and made dumb as spit characters that were multi-fandom crossing and were super powerful etc etc. Sure, we were eleven, twelve, but we still played it out in person, which is actually LARP these days...But it was really ‘too old to do that’ but we did it anyway. Life is for fun, after all.

 We would write crappy fanfiction and do ‘scripts’ where we would make out stories as a script based fanfic sort of thing on our characters, so it didn’t involve actual writing but was instead just speech, which we then later started doing on MSN. Yea, it was before computers and internet being widely spread so we did it when we met up and just.. wrote and wrote on paper, making up scripts of nonsense with our characters. Fanfiction was rare cause it was paper and.. too much effort to write down everything, but we did that sometimes. 

I had so much fun.

ANYWAY. Internet became more common and we role played (badly, just script based) over MSN. This was literally until like 2007 where we moved to Gaia Online and started role playing on there. That was when I started to be more serious about my characters and developed them better, and made my first persona and role played as her in the Gaia setting. It was fun, but still really, really bad role play - The guy who lead the G CORP RP didn’t know the basics of role play and did force emotes and god emoting. 

It was fun at the time, sure, but looking back.. damn. I mean I still enjoy the idea of NOT knowing what he was up to during the role play as we never discussed it outside of the RP, so he literally lead me through RP without a story and we just reacted as you would - he had a story plan, I didn’t. THAT WAS FUN. It wasn’t scripted at all and he ended up tricking my character into selling her soul to his character so he had one (as he lost his own prior to this) and she became the new ruler of Dark energy n stuff without a soul (an energy he made up). So as these days you propose ideas, plot, and agree to things, we didn’t have ANY of that. We just went along with what we did. We literally did our own actions and the other side would respond and it developed through the story that way. It is considered bad role play these days but I loved it. No plotting, no limits (except killing), nothing. Just free role play.

Anyway, this continued until 2009 where the guy turned out to be a real dick IRL as we all found out and the role play died obviously. Coincidentally I discovered World of Warcraft. I played for just under a year (until like November) with my partner at the time and, once he quit, I wanted to change server as I hated PVP... and was on a PVP server, while also wondering if anybody role played. And I discovered Argent Dawn (EU), a role play server.

So I made a character and jumped right in. I fucking loved it. I had no sense of lore (the game setting’s history). I had no sense of character development. No sense of making a history for a character. I just jumped right in and played on what I knew, which was near nothing, and I loved it. I role played a morally corrupt elf in the middle of the biggest city and openly killed people etc (it was that bad) but it was fun...

...Until the ‘elitist’ role players noticed my ‘bad role play’ and started sending me actual abuse. Started with “You’re bad, leave the game you idiot’ to getting invited to chat channels to have abuse hurled at me while being ridiculed, and these days? I get stalked in-game and all over the internet, even though I do no bad role play. Took time but I adapted and developed my character to be flawless. But still... They actively search up my usernames to try and find me over the internet to get ‘dirt’ on me to make me look bad, plastering anything they consider ‘bad’ onto the forums to try and make others dislike me (I can’t comment on anything without abuse). Because I am an adult (twenty-eight) and enjoy adult themes once a while, they will literally delve into 18+ sites to get images of my characters, to plaster them over the forums (where minors might see). They act as hypocritical prudes who dislike adult themes whereas no doubt they watch porn once a while, however... because the game is 12+, they think I do erotic role play, which is wrong in a 12+ game - I don’t btw - so will use these 18+ images to try and have people hate me, using convincing stories while spreading rumors etc. So even though I became a good role player with a flawless character history.. they still hated me.

I actually turned bitter at one point and became an elitist myself... until I realised how I had previously felt. It wasn’t nice to be ridiculed and laughed at, to be ignored and shooed away, so I stopped being elitist and started to... just.. just actually enjoy myself. Having been on the receiving end of the hatred and humility of being NEW TO ROLE PLAY RULES and being new to LORE, having been ridiculed... when I realised people were in the same boat... I stopped. I stopped commenting on ‘bad role play’ and instead focused on helping people. I became open to everybody and accepted all role play (Within reason - no godemoting etc). These days I role play with anybody and enjoy that.

Yes, I despise elitism at best.

Well, I don’t hate it, I just... I rather people play to have FUN... NOT role playing for standards, not playing to look good, none of that “I must make an icon to look good!” or “I must use fancy text!” or “I must do paragraphs!” as I noticed on tumblr when I joined four or so years ago (i don’t mind these things... however, I just hate that it’s become a standard to look good)... None of that. Where is the fun when you have to be forced to do certain things to be accepted?

I just want people to have FUN. Fun is why we’re here. Fun is why we make these blogs. Sure, have standards, help people out if their lore is off or their character has role play flaws but... don’t be a jerk. Accept newbies. Accept all histories. Accept PEOPLE. We’re all people, most with damn anxiety of interacting with others. Why? BECAUSE PEOPLE HAVE STUPID STANDARDS. No, some standards are good, it’s when you start dictating things that it gets bad, saying you won’t role play with people who are -this- or -that- or have an undeveloped character or a ‘bad’ character. Hey, they might be looking to develop their character but don’t have the chance because they’re new or unknowing to most lore, meaning some people won’t accept them. 

Help people. Give advice. Don’t just write “I ignore badrp”. Actually get out there and make this place better.

It is nice to see a well laid out thread but... do you ever think what appearance it sets to some? Some of us, like me, get super scared of not being good enough. I’m not saying a good layout is bad (I LOVE good layouts) but... maybe have a notice somewhere that you don’t mind certain things, that you are friendly etc? I feel so disheartened to find a great character, a great blog, only to have STRICT RULES and no hint to the person behind the monitor.... It’s off putting and rather scary, so i don’t even bother following said person because they seem like an elitist robot. 

I see private blogs and instantly get put off of ever trying to interact because... I feel I’m not GOOD ENOUGH. That my icons aren’t good enough, that my writing isn’t good enough, that my character isn’t good enough. I understand wanting to only role play with mutuals (I really do)... but... some people go too far. They become wrapped up in elitism and start to LOOK DOWN upon others who aren’t ‘good enough. I don’t bother with these private blogs because I feel I will never be good enough, so I just don’t chance it.

We are all here to have fun. DO NOT LET YOURSELF BECOME AN ELITIST. Just have fun HOW YOU WANT. Do what you bloody well want and whoever accepts that will have fun with you. Don’t worry about judgement of the ‘better’ people. Just. Have. Fun. Have a million Pokemon. Have a tragic history. Do what you want. Just. Have. Fun. And the fun people will come to you.

After being subjected to such hate on Warcraft, I was fucking PETRIFIED of Tumblr. At first my blog was just a personal one, but I realised tumblr had an RP scene and got interested, made Shay... then once I realised people were elitist in this fandom too, I got scared. I was sad too that elitism had crept here also. Again, I don’t mind people who feel the need to have perfectly made threads and who have standards.. I just hate knowing that some people are really elitist and only RP with ‘the best’. This isn’t a competition. This is a hobby for fun.

I used to role play for fun but I was burned and ridiculed and it took a lot of personal effort and struggle to change my mindset from becoming like the people of hatred to the more open person I am now. I did become like them and I am ashamed I did. 

So if you’re ever nervous and scared of talking to me or interacting... Just take that step forwards and know who I am; an open, non-elitist, accepting RPer who will role play with anybody and everybody because I believe role play is for fun.

I’m here to have fun. I know you are. 

[irageidespair-blog]

First Moment

I remember the first moment that I became relevant in someone’s life. I mean, not to sound like my childhood was filled with shit stacked so high that I wish they were pancakes instead, but I never felt valued by my family or even friends I had then. It had always just been a connection that was either needed or one I couldn’t cut off myself since I lived with the people.  I’ve always loved my family deeply, even after my father left our lives. It had always been us banding together, keeping close in order to not lose the fire that was still within us. But the shelter system and living in the horrendous streets of New York City would eventually find a way of snuffing each and every one of us out.  Those were the days I remember feeling utterly useless. Looking at the faces of my oldest siblings, wondering what I could do to make them smile only to be retorted with being too childish and not taking what was going on serious enough. Being branded as the terrible one and even ostracized from hanging around them for some time.  If my family wasn’t making things harder, the joke that is the Public Education system for NYC was tearing me to shreds. There wasn’t kindness or compassion with the kids in my age or even older; it was just that I was white and they ridiculed me for it. Making a single friend proved fatal, eventually proving itself to be a funny joke at the expense of my self-esteem. Nonetheless, I was determined to be resilient and be stronger... But I only made that sort of progress up until Middle School. Only two years of Elementary School made me gasping for a classroom where I’d be excited to learn and surrounded by peers whom want to learn just as much as I would be. I learned, the hard way, that expectation is a ladder and only you build it higher and higher so it’d crash harder and harder.  And I fell from there. Fell into the cracks of myself. I didn’t know where I was going and where I’d end up; I just wanted to fall. I’d eventually find Gaia Online and with it, I began rocketing even faster downwards. Lust and self-indulgence became my means to escape that dark pit which was swallowing me, not even realizing those vices did nothing to make me feel even the slightest better.  No, I’d fall till that fateful night. It wasn’t even past 9PM that I decided I was going to kill myself. It felt like the only choice I had to free myself. That killing myself would break this horrible cycle of being ridiculed at school to go home and fight my family to having fake sex online to enjoy myself... It felt like the only thing I could do. Of course, I was afraid and I wanted to give optimism one last chance. So, I vowed at 11 I’d stab myself in the throat. Hours would race through in this virtual poker room, roleplaying myself drinking and smoking myself into a spell. People had come, regulars of the chat and some people, asked me if I was okay but I gave the half-hearted, “everything is okay” response and remained in my sinking depression. I remember looking at the glint of the knife, watching the light dance across the edge of the blade and feeling so relieved that I wouldn’t have to suffer another night through this. After what felt like an intense hour of watching the lamp glitter along the knife, I realized someone knew joined the chat group. At first, it wasn’t anything but a new comer. She’d walk in casually and taken a seat. She ordered herself something light and looked around the room as I kept to myself in the couple table that I was parked in. It wouldn’t be after a few moments of talking with everyone else that she’d make her way towards me, hold the glass in her hands so I wouldn’t drink another drop, and ask me, ”What’s wrong?” “What’s wrong?” Where do I begin? How do I begin to tell you what’s really wrong? Maybe I should tell you about my Father and how I never felt that the man truly loved me, that I was always the mistake of a son he had... Or maybe how I hated my school never taught me something I felt I didn’t know already... Or may-- Wait... Why am I telling you this and why am I crying...? She didn’t say a word as I ranted. The entire crowd fell silent or just ignored us, it didn’t matter because she was the World I was living in and I couldn’t escape her blinding light as I spilled each and every part of my corrupted part to her. And she said nothing as she read each letter I typed and every word I slurred through the tears and my own racing heart. Finally, after my fingers ached too much to continue or my heart was racing too fast that I had to catch my breath, she wrote, “I’m sorry about all of that. I’m here for you.” At that moment, I felt like I was a person. I felt like I was a living and breathing human to someone else and that I had actually mattered to someone else in this World. That I wasn’t the mistake of my family, that I wasn’t the white boy of my friends, that I wasn’t the fuck up I felt that I was; I was finally a human to someone. I remember crying so hard that she was worried since I didn’t reply. I remember trying to calm myself down, but I couldn’t find the energy in me. I told her thank you and added her as a friend, leaving shortly after or she left shortly after... I can’t remember the ending, but that’s because this was the beginning of a new chapter in my life: Her.