#[jesus it's morbid my own life has more tw's than my rp's

[godblooded]

heavy heavy stuff under the cut but relevant to my current situation. i just feel better being transparent and... idk actually trying to put out there what’s up with me. writing is always cathartic for me. and i’m gonna warn you this is a FUCK of an overshare. tw for a lot of medical stuff, abuse mentions, death mentions, parental death mentions. i’ll tag all those but there they are in the beginning to see for safety. also tw for COVID mention.

so i don’t know how much i’ve ever explained of anything but i and my aunt ave been taking care of my mom for a super long time. she’s had juvenile diabetes since she was 15, she retained severe damage to her kidneys when she had me, she’s had neuropathy for 12 years, graves’ disease, i have a fucking list of things in my wallet for whenever i bring her to the doctor because it’s just a medical grocery list. she, herself, has made a load of irresponsible decisions that have led to continuous trauma for me, but you all know me on this site, you know i’m a bleeding heart and everything hurts me like a pinprick.

when i was 6 years old i found her on the floor of our apartment completely unresponsive with a glucose level in the single digits and i’ve never been the same since. she had also been neglecting her sugars for weeks before because of her own depression.

right now she’s in a rehab facility. she recently suffered a small subdural hematoma and then a HUGE subdural hematoma she had to have brain surgery for (which due to fucking COVID, was ambulatory when it very well should’ve been a week or more in the hospital). we’ve had issues my entire life. we’ve both been victims of abuse from mark (who i refuse to refer to as my father) and it left my mother imitating his abusive actions in a lot of ways, in spite of the fact that it’s a very complicated situation, like all things, so my mother is just... a very selfish person who i like to think loves me in a way mark fucked up so badly she didn’t know how to deal with it.

she previously experienced stroke-like symptoms and had had a tia (a transient ischemic attack which presents similar to a stroke but isn’t, it’s like a precursor or a warning about one), so it was very prudent she be kept under observation. from there she declined so severely and so suddenly she couldn’t even help my aunt and i get her back and forth anywhere. we all, combined, tried to lift her into the car and couldn’t (this includes my brother).

we had her taken to the hospital and from there she ended up at the rehab. she’s currently in kidney failure and therefore on dialysis (she was previously doing home dialysis with us) and apparently has been put on seizure meds. if she’s having seizures, we haven’t been informed, and they’ve been fucking stupid enough to do occupational therapy with her after fucking dialysis and then told us they see ‘little to no improvement in her mobility.’

my yiayia (grandmother, for y’all ξένο) died on the morning of my tenth birthday. it was insanely traumatic and to this day it means from june until at least the end of july i get absolutely horrendously depressed. being stuck in this state right now and with the quarantine i have no way to have any relief because... fucking COVID. again. so right now i’m sitting on four days where i’m insanely paranoid the simple existence of my birthday will kill her. (i honestly wish i couldn’t also say that a whole load of other bad events occurred on various other of my birthdays but-- they did and consistently have. so it’s an unfortunately anxiety-inducing, suffocating fear.) 

by the way, when i was born, that july 13th was a friday. 

my aunt has four (small) tumors she’s having treatments for. we’re both working from home. so far, she’s asymptomatic, but my papou died of mds (myelodysplastic syndrome) after complications from treatments for his colon cancer. i was 19, and we took care of him at home. frankly it was terrifying and devastating to watch my only father figure forget everyone except me, but we got through it. but this is her second round of a different treatment because the first stopped working. i’m fucking terrified i’m going to lose everyone. and with the history in my family, it’s just never fucking unlikely.

my mental health is disastrous and i’m barely holding it together. i’m really pushing to try to get a service dog to help me because i can’t eat, i can barely sleep, and frankly yesterday i lost two hours of time. in addition to the continuous nightmares that my mom or someone i love is going to die. or the oncoming sleep paralysis + panic attack episodes that come with that, too. (ask bat i had to put my feet on the roof of the car and take my pants off because i had one spontaneously.)

i am really and truly never, ever on the dash. i don’t have the brain for it. interpersonal connections right now are incredibly hard and talking is exhausting. the only thing i find truly cathartic is writing, and i can barely do that now because i’m exhausted every single day.

it’s been long and very tiring. we don’t know if my mom’s gonna make it out of this rehab. it’s possible the kidney disease is taking over. i can’t visit (again, fucking COVID) and there’s a pretty real chance i’m going to lose my mom and never have fixed our relationship or had the chance to really try. she was way too late to accepting things and i was too late, too. we both made a lot of mistakes thanks to a man who spawned me and i hope dies an egregious death.

literally. i know what an over-share this is. but i had to put it out there somewhere because holding this in feels like i’m going to burst. 

it’s almost my birthday. i’m scared out of my mind. the last parent i have who never tried to be my parent very well might die with every single thing unresolved. and the odds are, it’s going to take me a year to get a service dog because i can’t afford one outright and there’s a waitlist if you can’t pay at least $9,000. so i absolutely can’t afford the help i really need right now, and it’s just contributing to how hard everything’s becoming. i also teach remotely three days a week and for anybody out here who’s a teacher, you know how exhausting it is-- especially online learning. right now i’m essentially just desperate to... try to have some fun in my dnd campaign, maybe play through t.lou2, and try very, very, very hard to get through a six hour tutoring block. not all at once, obviously, or on the same day. 

if you’ve tried to get in contact with me, i apologize if you’ve felt spurned at all by my silence. i’m here, i write replies because they’re how i get my emotions out a lot of the time, and sometimes i’m feeling okay enough to plot or discuss character situations via disco or tumblr im but... i’m just exhausted.

tl;dr it has been a not good series of experiences i have had and for the past four months i’ve had a lead weight sitting on my chest. this isn’t a ‘feel bad for me’ or a sympathy post. it’s pretty much a journal post and me trying to actually handle something. i’ll come out the other side of this okay. i always do. but right now i have the emotional, physical, and mental stability of a rock. and.... fucking COVID, once again, has removed most of my physical support systems. i really just need to be held and cry for an hour. 

i’m here. i’m writing. i’m just not here. and i won’t apologize for my activity, but i will apologize if anyone feels neglected by me. it’s not my intention. ever.

anyway, if you stuck through this to the end, i can’t tell you how much i appreciate you reading it. i hope you know you’re loved and i hope you find $20 on the ground. or whatever the equivalent of that is in your currency.