#[i already made her blog like last year and i haven't touched it since]

[ivysangel]

surprise post bc my blogs fixed woo hoo!! i initially sent this as an ask to @hanasnx as my contribution to his baby daddy!jason au, but i also wanted to share it here for u guys as a little treat :p

Baby Daddy!Jason, who you co-parent with, in a very civilized way. No joke, the picture of camaraderie between exes. He takes your daughter on the days he's supposed to (which isn't that often, given his occupation) and brings her back on time, always with a little gift for you as well. Flowers, chocolates, a little knick-knack reminiscent of when you were together. It's not because he's in love with you or anything; it's just the principle of the matter. "Happy wife, happy life," not that you were married or even dating, but he figures the mother of his child should get love sometimes.

Baby Daddy!Jason, who, the next time he sees you, it's to drop off something your daughter forgot with him, and as he's handing you the bag, he casually asks why you haven't been asking him to take her more often. You had been for a while when you were going on dates weekly, but for some reason, the relationships never went anywhere, so you just gave up. "Oh, you know, it just wasn't working out." you say off-handedly, "Kept getting ghosted." you sound only marginally disappointed, moreso annoyed. "What a shame, they're really missing out," he says, getting real close to you and taking up your entire field of vision.

Baby Daddy!Jason, who's got your entire calendar memorized and knows that his daughter's not home tonight and that you've got no plans other than watching movies in solitude. He knows you're too stubborn to call him over for company even though you've been giving him fuck me eyes in passing for the past few months, so he figures he just has to take matters into his own hands and corner you until you give in like he knows you want to.

Baby Daddy!Jason, who fucks you on damn near every surface in the house, telling you he's just christening the place like he would've already done if you lived together. Whispers apologies in your ears about scaring off all of your dates while he's splitting you open, bullying his cock into you while your eyes roll to the back of your head because you haven't been fucked this good in years, not since the last time you'd been with him. You're face is deep in some pillows when you realize the memories you had of his dick pale in comparison to the real thing, and you aren't sure you could go back to using your imagination to get off after tonight.

Baby Daddy!Jason, who keeps you up all night until your pussy's red and puffy from how many times it'd come in contact with his hips while he was fucking you. Fat tip kissing your cervix until you were clawing at his biceps, begging him to give you some reprieve, tears in your eyes while you babbled incoherently, too lost in the feeling of him to make any sense. He admits in the midst of sex that he tried to get over you; he really did, but he just couldn't; he just couldn't picture you with another man in any capacity. The thought of someone else touching you, fucking you, loving you, made his stomach turn, filling him with rage and an overwhelming need to claim you as his.

Baby Daddy!Jason, who's a level-headed, non-fragile ego'd man until it comes to his family, which, contrary to what some would say, did not only consist of his daughter but you too, and any guy who tried to get with you was a threat. he didn't know the intentions of other men, but he knew his own, which was to keep his little family happy as long as he was alive. If that meant putting a gun to the head of anyone who made a move on you and consoling you by stretching you out the way he knew you liked until you just said "fuck it" and let him put another baby in you, then so be it.

[being-of-rain]

Real quick before the next Dr Who episode drops! I haven't written up thoughts on the last few eps on my blog, partly because I just didn't have a lot to say. So here's a speedy thought-roundup.

Joy to the World was okay. I didn't have many strong feelings about it. Its choice to go on a ten-minute tangent about the Doctor living on Earth for a year just when the story was getting going was really interesting. Trev was great, but I did kinda laugh at how intensely they went on his melodramatic death when he'd been a comic relief character for ten minutes 😂 For this reason when I was watching Lux, I was reminded of him by the fans. I also rolled my eyes when I realised what the ending of the last scene was going to be. Maybe that was Moffat's way of atoning for going so hard against religion in some of his other episodes. Oh, and when I saw a clickbait headline about Joy to the World having a stealth James Bond crossover, I thought there's no way that's true. But it was, to more of an extent than I realised; look it up if you didn't know. I have to assume that was Moffat dealing with the fact he probably won't ever writer a James Bond movie.

The Robot Revolution was fun. I agree with other people that maybe it could've used a bit more polishing, but overall I enjoyed it. I'm already hooked by Belinda in ways I never was by Ruby, I love that she's more wary of the Doctor and just wants to go home (I've seen lots of references to Tegan and a few to Ian and Barbara, but since I'm reading through the EDAs my first comparison was with Anji.) I think it's interesting to introduce a second pseudo-companion in two episodes who spent months with the Doctor mostly off-screen, but this time to kill her off immediately as a way of shaping the actual new companion's thoughts about the whole thing. I'm also interested by the Doctor having met Belinda already, probably something that we'll see at the end of the season. The paradox time warp sequence was easily one of my favourite parts, it looked sooo good. And afterwards Gatwa acts like he's on a sugar rush. His moving and groving this season has been really funny to watch, and it feels like he's coming into his own as the Doctor. Great aesthetics this episode too, from the retrofuturism-looking alien city to the Doctor and Belinda in browns and beiges in the makeshift rebel shelter. And finally, I guess this is the first major New Who companion introduction to mostly take place away from Earth (not counting Martha on Earth's moon). New Who would rather do anything other than give us a major companion not from contemporary England.

Lux was fantastic! I mean, I still don't think RTD really grasps how to write a god with a solid theme (Lux spent more time acting like the god of cinema than light) or an airtight ending (maybe I need to rewatch, but the idea that if the sun ever shines on Lux he'll stop being a problem really feels like it takes away a lot of his threat). And it's ironic that the Doctor becomes a more a three-dimensional character by trotting out the same angst line that he's been using for literally twenty years. But goshdarnit did I have fun anyway. It's easy to compare this ep to The Devil's Chord from last year, and in that comparison I think Lux handily comes out on top. I was laughing in delight at all the goofy bits like the cartoon characters and fourth wall-breaking, and Mr Ring-a-Ding himself! His animation was so so good, and when he started becoming 3D I was very amused (and then horrified). The Doctor Who fans also made me laugh, even though they were cheesy and couldn't help but touch on the old negative stereotypes that fans of RTD's generation will seemingly never be able to let go of. I've seen people complain, but the Blink joke really landed with me. Belinda getting used to the Doctor continues to be great, and I hope they still chafe a fair amount after this ep. You know I love a companion/Doctor relationship that's even slightly antagonistic. Also... Verada Sethu's arms in her 1952 dress 😳

Like other fans, I assume RTD will bring back another Classic Who villain or concept for the finale, since that's been a pattern the last two years. And I assume I won't find the finale very good, since that's also been a pattern the last two years. I can't say Mrs Flood and speculating about her holds much interest to me either, since it feels likely to me that the answer won't be particularly satisfying. But! Despite all that, I'm really enjoying the current season so far. Gatwa's being goofy, Belinda's being beguiling, and I'm curious to see where their relationship goes. If memory serves, RTD has said I'll want to avoid spoilers for episode 3, so I'm looking forward to the next ep!

[wanderingmind867]

Hiii it's ask wave time~ who are ten of your favorite characters? Don't worry it doesn't have to be ranked in order, and it doesn't even have to be ten if you don't want! Just who stands out to you? If I’ve sent this already, my bad 😭

You may have sent it before, but my memory is not great (when you have 17,000+ posts, it becomes incredibly hard to find old ones). Anyways, ten of my favourite characters? Glad you didn't say top ten. I could never do top ten. But I can try to pick out ten random ones. I might end up going overboard and doing 10-15, though. I may also end up mostly pulling from Comic Book media and Rick Riordan books for now, but I know your blog is mostly about Bob's Burgers, so I'm gonna throw in two of those characters too. I like Bob's Burgers myself too, but I just haven't watched it as much lately (and haven't posted about it due to other hyperfixations, anyways).

Martian Manhunter: He's just always appealed to me, ever since I was a little kid. Something about this incredibly lonely superhero, the last of his kind...it really hits me in the heart. I relate to it.

Two-Face: Two-Face was the first supervillian i loved. I think my parents used to tell me I raced about him as a kid after seeing a rerun of his 90s TV Show episode. I don't think I could say his name right, though. This story can't be fact-checked, because my dad currently isn't at home (and I don't know how I talked way back when i was 4-5).

Mister Freeze: I've always liked Mister Freeze, but I like him even more than usual now. His grief over losing his wife, and his obsession with curing her...god, that's relatable. I lost my mom in 2022, and it still affects me. Not always in ways you'd expect, but it definitely still affects me. So I understand Freeze's pain and heartache. I really feel for him.

Cyclops: Cyclops wasn't my favourite X-Man as a kid, but he's definitely my favourite now. I see so much of myself in him. He's intensely relatable. Lonely, awkward socially, obsession with routine and with order, Cyclops is like the most relatable character you could give me. I love him.

Doctor Octopus: Doctor Octopus was my favourite Spiderman villian as a kid. I always read into him as being very relatable. This timid scientist who just goes along with whatever his boss tells him to do (largely because he's too scared to be assertive and take charge of operations), he eventually snaps and becomes a genius supervillian. I feel like that can be said to reflect my anger issues (which I hide whenever i'm in public, too). So he was really relatable.

The Hulk/Bruce Banner: Similar to the Doctor Octopus explanation above, The Hulk appeals to my sense of dual natures. My anger issues, depressive episodes, my negative emotions generally all end up repressed unless i'm alone or around my dad. So a character who pretty much has two split personalities (both of which embody my public vs my private persona), it almost feels like it's designed to be relatable.

Electro: i almost chose Mysterio (since I love his theatricality and sense of style with his crimes), but I feel like Electro popped into my head slightly easier. I still vividly remember the Electro episode of The Spectacular Spider-Man, despite not seeing it in years. A man who's now trapped in a body made of pure electricity, electro can't touch people, eat or drink things, he can't do anything a normal human being would do. And so he snaps, broken by his transformation. That type of story is so sad that I still remember it. I love Electro. His old comics aren't as good as that episode of the TV show, but I still love him.

Nico di Angelo: Nico di Angelo is a character I've loved since I first read the Percy Jackson series (whenever that actually first was). A lonely outcast, never accepted by anyone else, who closes himself off from the world after losing family and beginning to feel unaccepted. He really, really speaks to my soul.

Frank Zhang: Besides just being from Canada (like I am) and having self-confidence issues (also like me), he really is just a character I find fun and relatable. Not too much else I can say here, but I do relate to him.

Jason Grace: Jason Grace is a character who I love so much. He's a genuinely good and selfless person, a really great guy. His rigid sense of order (due to growing up at the roman camp) really appeals to me, too. I like order and some sense of rules. I go to bed at around the same time every night, I eat at similar times every day, I just like order. Chaos is stressful. We're getting off topic, but yeah. I love Jason Grace, and his death really got to me. I couldn't read the riordan books after that, because i missed him too much.

Teddy (Bob's Burgers): Probably the most relatable major character on Bob's Burgers, this man plagued by neuroses and issues really reminds me of myself. I'm only 20 (and he's like 50 or something), but I still really feel like I'll end up like him one day. Few friends, a therapist, awkward and lonely, etc. The only major difference between us is that I hate hands on work (like the stuff he does as a handyman).

Aunt Gayle (Bob's Burgers): The other big-ish character on Bob's Burgers who I relate to. Really, that show knows how to make me like and relate to characters. Just give them an infinite number of neuroses and mental issues, and you're gonna end up with a character who I feel speaks to my soul. A lonely woman who's got no friends besides her extended family, a lady who lives alone (besides her many cats) and who's incredibly sensitive to criticism... she's very, very similar to me. Very similar. Well, except for my strong allergies to cats.

Thank you for the ask, by the way. I now realize I could probably make an infinite number of lists like these, if given time. It'd become exhausting to do all the time, but I do like so many characters. I've dabbled in so many fandoms over 20 years, I could make a list at least 50 characters wide, if i had to. I just think i'd slowly begin to feel tired and agitated as I wrote it. But still, you give me this prompt again one day, tell me to try and pick new people, and we'd probably be able to get something out of it. Idk, that's just a random thought i've had.

[norcalbruja]

Minor surgery tomorrow, plus I seem to have bad luck with cervid spirits

Copied from my main blog: I've got laser eye surgery scheduled for V-day tomorrow to help with some retina issues that have been going on for a few years. The folks at the clinic said it was a same-day operation and I should be covered by my insurance monetarily, BUT I've been trying to figure out what's actually in store for the next couple weeks and it's so confusing without asking the actual doctor. Like could they at least have gotten me a handout for "what to expect for minor/moderate procedures?" :/ Anyway, in case I have issues with one eye tomorrow, this is the reason.

--

As for spirit-issues, last night the Water-Spirit sent out a call for help because Most Of The Anito Still Aren't Here, annnnnnnnnnnnd guess what answered this time?

ANOTHER ELK/MOOSE!

But not just any elk, it was a freaky one! Behind the cut for yet more "pop" culture paganism, in the form of... "The Ritual (2017)."

This is behind the cut not for (lengthy/explicit???) scariness, because while it got solved fairly quickly, it was a REALLY unpleasant two or three minutes of me screaming in horror until Hypnos just... sent the Not-Elk away.

--

So here's me and the Water-Spirit in the Otherworld forest, and he is formally calling for help with like, my whole life again... and here comes this elk/human chimera thing lumbering out from the trees, which immediately made me think of Moder from The Ritual (2017). I haven't seen the movie myself, but I sure don't WANT to see it. I'm such a baby with wilderness horror, lmao.

Anyway, cue my screaming for like, two or three minutes because this enormous Not-An-Elk spirit has a fucking HUMAN FACE almost swallowed between two gigantic moose/elk antlers, and she had HUMAN HANDS instead of front legs, and sometimes she's got white human skin, but sometimes she's got masses of dark moose fur. IT'S NOT A GOOD MIX.

She was clearly not like Moder in personality, since she just reached out with a (really fucking long) arm, and the Water-Spirit didn't react like she was a THREAT, so much as a SURPRISE. While I was screaming and flailing, he just held on to me and asked the creature, "OH LORD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! GO AWAY! NO, DON'T TRY TO TOUCH HER, SHE'S SCARED!!!"

I have no idea what the Not-An-Elk was actually trying to do, but I sort of recovered my wits enough to yell for actual help from the Morrigan.

Hypnos of all people just rolled up and told Not-An-Elk, "NO. GO AWAY."

And now here comes a Full Metal Alchemist moment, because this Not-An-Elk can talk (in human languages???), just not WELL. Not-An-Elk cleared her throat and said to Hypnos in a very strained voice, "She... asked... me."

And Hypnos went, "No, honey, no she didn't. Her husband asked for like, anyone to help, and you're the one who heard him just now. You're scaring her. Please leave."

"Yes. I come back... later." So, Not-An-Elk didn't seem to hold anything against me (or the Water-Spirit), and she left.

The Morrigan AND Dionysus heard me screaming, so everyone waited for me to calm down. By then I felt really self-conscious and I was wondering if I was acting too much like a "hysterical useless woman" after running into two unexpected deer spirits.

And Dionysus was like, "Hysterical? You think you were hysterical? Babe, the Megaloceros tried to run you over. And how do you THINK other mortals would react if they see a chimera walking through the forest in the middle of the night?"

Hypnos told the Water-Spirit, "Buddy, you gotta be careful with asking for help. You're already a squid, and that's not like people at all."

And I was like "But like, I know what squid are. We fry the little ones or we eat them in soup. I don't know what... Moder is!"

MEANWHILE, the Water-Spirit went, "And that is forgetting how I'm not a squid anymore!"

And Hypnos went, "Yeah, but the abyss is still inside you. She sees it when she looks at your face. Everyone feels it when you're nearby. Weird shit is gonna home in on you because you just can't help it, and the only thing weirder than the abyss is the depths of the earth."

--

While the spirits were talking about Weird Land Creatures versus Weird Sea Creatures, Loki came up and was thrilled to see that one of his fictional "children" showed up. He called her back over, patted her hump, and he was like "THAT'S MY GIRL! BAHAHAHAHA."

And I'm like "Fucking hell, Loki. Why don't I ever have good luck with deer??? Cernunnos looks like a deer walking upright half the time. Then comes the Irish Elk trying to bludgeon me. THEN comes something that clearly wants to look like your stage-daughter from a horror movie."

And he was like, "Humans forgot a lot of shit about deer, Cyborg. They're creatures of the wilderness, like other forest beasts. They do not have your morals, or your society. DO. NOT. PISS. THEM. OFF."

I went, "Loki, I'm not TRYING to piss off the deer! They just... come around and then shit happens!"

And he laughed and went, "HAHAHAHAHA, THAT'S THE WILDERNESS!" in much the same way as he said, "that's my girl."

And I'll talk more about Cernunnos being a "deer walking on two legs" later, but needless to say, I told everyone but Hypnos and the Water-Spirit to PLEASE leave the meditation so I could fucking sleep.

[gellavonhamster]

Hi! I know almost nothing about Arthuriana, except some few stories that we read ten years ago in Middle School in English class. I would want to know a little more about the historical context, the origins, the meanings and the orders of all those legends, but I don’t know where to begin. Do you study them in school/uni or do you research about them on your own? Thank you!

Hi! No, I've never really studied Arthuriana, though we touched upon it a little at university during some of our English Literature classes, but in very broad strokes. Plus our professor made us read the book she wrote on the similarities between Arthuriana and the Latvian epic Lāčplēsis (don't know about my classmates, but I read it - it was pretty interesting, but I still found it funny that she was essentially forcing people to read her book). Frankly speaking, I wouldn't say I do research about it now either - I just read whatever works I find available online, choosing them based on what I've heard about them and what links I find floating around on tumblr. Regarding the historical context and origins, some years ago I read a pretty comprehensive book that was like a summary of previous research on the historical origins of Arthuriana, but it was in Russian - "Меч короля Артура. Так рождалась легенда" (The Sword of King Arthur. So the Legend Was Born) by Vadim Erlikhman, so I don't think it will be of much use because it is hardly translated into English. It has a long bibliography which includes a lot of books and research works in English, but I don't know which of them are the most useful.

As to where to begin... it’s a difficult question, especially since a lot of these legends contradict each other more or less because they belong to different traditions. I think it helps if you already have an idea which characters or events in particular you would like to read about, because then you can start with the texts focused on them and then move to other characters or events if you decide that you enjoy these legends in general. @fuckyeaharthuriana has a lot of useful rec lists (links in blog description), including those sorted by character. I can also suggest some works that I enjoyed the most, but please bear in mind that I am far from being an expert - I read several texts last year in the wake of watching BBC Merlin and The Green Knight, and this year started devouring basically all texts I could find after reading Le Morte d'Arthur, but I haven't read the Vulgate, for example, and some other things that, I believe, are considered basics, while having read some more obscure texts that caught my attention but are not as fundamental. Anyway...

Yvain: Knight of the Lion by Chrétien de Troyes - this one has everything: adventures, love, friendship, active female characters (Lunete my best friend Lunete), an Animal Sidekick, and a happy ending after a lot of tribulations. The main character is Sir Yvain, son of King Uriens and Morgan Le Fay, and the story is about him falling in love with a widow of a knight he killed, managing to win her affection but then losing her trust and having to win it back while doing a bunch of heroic deeds on the way. Quite long but I found it a lot of fun.

The Wedding of Sir Gawain and Dame Ragnell for Helping of King Arthur - I’m linking the translation I read, but there are many of them available online. It’s a short and fun romance in which a knight captures King Arthur and challenges him to find out what women desire the most or lose his head. His nephew Gawain decides to help him and ends up having to marry an ugly lady who helped him find the answer, but then it turns out that her ugliness is actually a curse, which the answer he discovered helps him undo. 

Sir Gawain and the Green Knight - I read it in translation by Bernard O’Donoghue, for the simple reason that it was the one I stumbled upon in a bookstore, but I can’t find it online. There are several other available, however; the one I’m linking is by Jessie Weston. With a movie recently being out, you probably know the gist of the plot: a green stranger arrives at king’s court and challenges Arthur’s knights to give him a blow of an axe and then, a year later, receive the same blow in return. So Gawain accepts the challenge and chops the Green Knight’s head off, but he puts the head back on, and now Gawain is due to lose his head in a year. As he rides off to meet his fate, he stays at a castle belonging to a married couple, where his honour is tested (and things get pretty gay). 

The “Arthurian” Portion of the Roman de Brut by Wace - this one is not one of my favourites, to be honest, even though the language is really beautiful in some parts, but I think it’s important. It tells about Arthur’s ancestors, Uther’s rise to power, Merlin’s origins (which I found the most interesting part), Arthur’s rise to power, various conquests and death. Mostly conquests, which is why I wasn’t too engrossed. 

Le Morte d’Arthur by Sir Thomas Malory (Volume 1, Volume 2) - this is one of those foundational works, a XV century attempt to put all the main Arthurian legends together. Arthur’s birth and the start of his reign, Lancelot and Guinevere, Tristan and Isolde, the quest for the Holy Grail, the fall of Camelot - it’s all here. There are various editions, but I don’t know which to suggest, because I made a questionable decision to read the original (the one I’m linking) which is not very easy to read because of the old language. 

Prose Tristan and Povest ‘o Trystchane - I love the Tristan and Isolde stories not so much because I like the main couple but because they’re usually a lot of fun. Shenanigans, wild adventures, horniness, the “everyone’s a little in love with everyone” vibes... My preferred version of all I’ve read is Tristan’s part of Le Morte d’Arthur, but these two are also cool. They’re pretty similar until the second one (the XVI Belarusian version) starts diverging greatly (there’s a whole subplot where Tristan, Isolde, and Guinevere travel to save Arthur from captivity, it’s wild).

Morien - a Dutch romance about a young Moorish knight who goes on a quest to find his biological father and ends up having some adventures with Gawain and Lancelot. I like it because searching for one’s father is such a... normal reason for a quest, something perfectly understandable to a modern person, unlike many of the more outlandish ideas that appear in some other romances. 

[imerdwarf]

Love At First Crash

Summary: your car gets taken to the repair shop where you meet the man who will repair it for you.

Prompt:

Pairing: Mechanic!Bucky x Reader

Warnings: flirting, mild angst, idiots in love, happy ending 🥰

Word Count: 2,128 (I AM SO SORRY)

Author's Notes: This is for @the-ss-horniest-book-club's Drunk Drabbles 💜 my first time writing for mechanic!Bucky, thank you so much @jobean12-blog for checking it and giving me your thoughts 💜

It's been just a few days since you've visited the repair shop and met the owner Bucky Barnes. His charming smile made your tummy feel like you had a swarm of butterflies fluttering around inside.

His tight white tank top was pulled so tightly across his chest that his pecs could be seen. His black jeans that sculptured around his thick thighs to show off those thigh muscles, his mechanical outfit was matched perfectly with his black boots.

Your footsteps echoed off the bare concrete walls and floors as you entered the repair shop back from the back entrance. The metal shutters with a dangling chain link was rolled halfway up and a dozen of motorcycles parked next to the doors.

The distant quiet music from the digital radio did very little to quieten your footsteps. Bucky had heard you and rolled himself out from underneath your car. He smirked up when he saw you approach him.

"Hey there doll." Bucky showed off his perfect pearly whites and that was the same smile that gave you the butterfly feeling.

"Hey Bucky," you smiled back and sheepishly shoved your hands in the front of your pockets. You had originally opted to call him James, but he beefy man insisted on Bucky since his close friends and family called him by that name and James had sounded so foreign to his ears.

Bucky stood up, his biceps flexing under his movements and you couldn't stop the creeping flush. You cleared your throat and looked at your car.

"She's looking good!" Bucky's smile grew wider by how excited and happy you were.

"Yes you are," he muttered under his breath but you heard him say something. Your head snaps towards him and grin.

"What did you just say?" Bucky blushed and now it was his turn to clear his throat and rub the back of his neck, unknowingly with his greasy padded fingertips which left a black streak.

"I said she is, she won't be too long in here actually, a few more days." He wanted to exhale his sigh of relief when you nodded your head and looked back at your car.

"Great, you're the best Bucky!"

Bucky was absolutely beaming from the praise but it wasn't a lie, Bucky really was the best. He was so the best in fact that you found yourself daydreaming about the beefy mechanic days after you visited him at the shop.

You were laying on your couch listening to the birds singing outside and staring up at the white ceiling with your hands resting on your stomach thinking about that gorgeous smile of his. You loved the way his hair was always slicked back into a bun and how his shirt was always grease stained, a sign of a hard working man. You knew he was working hard to get your car back on the road as soon as possible, he kept in touch to let you know how everything was going.

You were falling for him, fast and hard. He was all you could ever think about, he was all you dreamed about and he lived rent free in your head.

Your gut clenches from the thought that realistically, he is probably in a serious long-term relationship with a much more beautiful woman, one that must make him happy because he was always in a good mood and always smiling.

Your chances of ever being with him were really slim, and it was such a bitter pill to swallow. He was just a crush and that is all he would ever be. But it didn't stop you from creating scenarios in your head with him. What your evenings would look like cuddled on the couch watching movies, listening to music or just talking to each other. What kind of food you'd cook him, would he kiss you as a compliment? In your head he does.

You wonder what it would be like to have him underne—

"Y/N!" Wanda's voice suddenly breaks through your thoughts and you blink back to reality. You mumble a response and Wanda finds you laying on the couch staring up to nothing, again, "still daydreaming about your hot boyfriend?" She teases and you scoff, sitting up to glare at her.

"He is not my boyfriend. Never was, never will be." Your face drops when you said it out loud, as though it suddenly dawned on you.

"But you have a crush on him right?" Wanda pushes and you regret ever spilling the beans to her in the first place, of course she is never going to let this go.

"No." You lied.

"Then why does he make you look so sad?" Damn it Wanda, "look, I'm not here to pressure you but my brother is back in town and we are meeting at the bar tonight! He misses you and wants to see you!"

"Bucky misses me?!" You may have zoned out again thinking about Bucky. Wanda rolls her eyes and laughs lightly.

"No! Pietro! But I'm sure Bucky does kiss you... I mean miss you!"

You smiled, great now another thing to add to your scenarios.

"What time?"

"8pm sharp! Don't be late!" She kisses your cheek in a friendly manner before skipping out of your door and leaving you alone with your thoughts. You had a few more hours to lay here and do nothing but think about him.

***

The bar was crowded when you arrived and you headed towards the bar to order a drink when Pietro came up behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist. You screeched out when you turned around and saw it was him, pulling him into a tight hug and keeping your hands on his forearms as he kissed your cheeks.

It might have been innocent, but from where Bucky was stood, it seemed like the two of you were an item and his heart dropped into his stomach and his mood turned sour.

He had no idea you were with Pietro, he knew him because he's a well known lawyer with a lot of successful cases under his belt so he couldn't blame you for being with someone with a clean job while he went to work everyday in a greasy repair shop.

He's only met you a dozen times but he doesn't remember you ever smiling that brightly at him when you were in his repair shop.

"You're brooding." Natasha, one of Bucky's oldest friends told him as she sipped her dry red wine. Bucky rolled his eyes and swished his beer around in his hand.

"I'm fine." Bucky scoffed and turned his angle away from Natasha.

"You're in love." Bucky again rolls his eyes and tries to ignore her. He tries to ignore you both, he tries to contain the jealousy that desperately wants to come out and say something about the way you're not even pulling away from Pietro.

"I'm leaving," Bucky tells Natasha, chugging the rest of his beer before slamming the bottle down on a nearby table, he turns to Nat and points a finger in her face, "and don't follow me."

The catch-up with Pietro was nice, it's been a few years since you've seen each other and he was telling you about his new wife when you saw Bucky storm out of the bar over his shoulder. Your eyes widened, never even noticing he was here and oh god, how this must have looked. Your heart sunk when you saw a redhead follow in his direction, that must have been his girlfriend.

Your mood to stay in the bar any longer was diminished and now all you wanted to do was go home and be by yourself.

You excused yourself from Pietro's grip and bid Wanda a quick goodnight before making a quick exit out of the bar and heading straight home.

Your thoughts kept you up the whole night. You couldn't sleep and tossed and turned throughout the cold night. You kept thinking back to the way he stormed out of the bar, if only you had seen him sooner.

Wanda entered your home early the next morning to find you already sitting up at the kitchen table nursing a hot cup of coffee. You looked exhausted and she could tell you haven't slept.

"Hey." She whispers, putting her hand on your shoulder, "are you okay?" You nod your head and sigh, not being in the mood to talk about things right now.

"I'm fine, just tired from last night." It's a lie that Wanda seems to accept for now.

"Barnes called." Wanda sighs and your head snaps up, "your car is ready to be picked up. I'll go and get it for you so you can rest." You feel upset that he couldn't or didn't want to call you but called your emergency contact instead.

"O-kay."

"I'll be back in a bit!" Wanda leaves quickly, jumping into Pietro's car and rehearsing the conversation in her head before she confronted Bucky.

Bucky was wiping his dirty greased up fingertips on the rag he had stuffed in his back pocket when Wanda arrived with Pietro. He saw him drive off shortly after she got out and Bucky refrained from rolling his eyes.

He was probably going home to you. He thought selfishly to himself. He mustered the biggest smile he could but it didn't fool Wanda.

"Wanda."

"Barnes, you called?"

"Yeah, Y/N's car is ready."

"And you couldn't inform her why?" Wanda queried, noting the disappointing look that swam in his eyes.

"I didn't think Pietro would like that."

Wanda bent over and held her stomach as she laughed. Bucky's eyebrows pinched together in confusion, "What's so funny?" He snapped, angry at how this whole thing was completely unfair.

"I'm sorry- it's just- it's just- oh god- Pietro is my brother and he's married." Wanda said between breaths.

This only infuriated Bucky even further, "good for him but I don't need to know how happy they are together!" He needed to chill and calm down. Jealousy was not a good look.

"He isn't married to Y/N. She's single, has a crush on you, maybe even hopelessly in love with you but that's fine if you want to-"

"She's what?" Bucky asks shocked, there's no way a pretty dame like yourself could love him. He's too basic, too plain.

"Why don't you drop me home in Y/N's car and take her car back to her yourself and you'll see what I mean." It was an offer he couldn't refuse. If Wanda wasn't pulling his leg, and you really were single, he needed to get to you before someone else did.

***

It's been well over an hour since Wanda left to pick up your car. In that time, you managed to take a shower to release your tense muscles, take something for the pounding headache and change into an outfit.

You were really excited to get your car back, making a promise with yourself that you'll be a lot more careful this time and try not to get into more car crashes.

You heard the engine in your driveway and you leapt towards the front door with a smile on your face, your smile growing even wider when you saw it wasn't Wanda behind the wheel, but Bucky. You couldn't put your finger on why you were so happy to see him, maybe it was a little hope he didn't hate you after all.

He got out of the car and strolled up towards you with a matching smile on his own face. His hands were in his front pockets and he looked amazing dressed in all black with a black leather jacket.

"Hi!" Your dam almost breaks, you were awake the whole night worrying about what would happen and then he didn't call you himself this morning about your car, it was easy to jump to conclusions, "I'm so happy to see you."

"Doll, I'm sorry I didn't call- my thoughts- well, I mean my feelings got in the way and I let my jealousy shine brighter than the sun." He chuckled shyly.

"Please you don't need to explain, it's me who owes you an explanation. You see, Pietro and I are—"

"No need doll. Wanda told me everything. It's a pretty warm day, Steve is covering for me back at the shop and I wondered if you'd like to head down to the beach with me?"

You grinned and looked down to your feet before looking into his eyes again, "I can make a picnic?"

"Sounds like a date!"

"A date it is."

Taglist: @smokeybluebrooke-lyn @pinkdiamond1016 @whatrambles @bestofbucky

[trying-write-fanfics]

OverhaulXreader part 12

In the morning breakfast was prepared. News was read. The city calmed down since the chaos from the night before. There was still a storm stirring in his head, but at least his environment was calm, almost sterile.

“Good morning.” Y/n yawned coming out of the bedroom. “You don’t sleep ever do you?”

“I’m not one for unproductive activities.”

“If you don’t rest your worst fears will happen.” She pretended to get spooky. “You’ll fall asleep in front of potential investors!”

“You think that’s my worst fear?”

“Well you’re Mr. Serious man all the time. I just figured.”

“Come, eat.”

“Can’t believe I haven’t been here yet.” She said. “I was lucky you were at Pops place when I came.”

“Yeah, you scared some of my men.” He told her.

“Oh please they could have killed me ten times over.” She was rather calm about the statement.

“Are you going to work in that?”

“Sorry, but I like to keep my legs a little more private in the cold.” She said standing up doing a quick pose. “Only you get the privilege right now.”

Was she laying down a ground rule? He didn’t plan on flirting with anyone else, was she? There was no way she would. She wouldn’t do that.

“About last night, what is the…” he didn’t really know what to phrase any question he had.

“I told you let’s take things slow. I do promise I won’t be playing the field.”

“What does that mean?” He asked.

“It’s the expression having multiple people at once to see which one fits best.” She told him.

“I didn’t think you were the type to do that.”

“It’s a common practice today that I haven't tried yet.” She explained. “I know this, I love you, you’re worth it, don’t worry. The beginning is supposed to be butterflies and fun.”

“I don’t know how fun I’ll be.”

“Any time spent with you Kai, is a good time already.” Not too many people would ever say that line. “Oh, I wanted to ask you something.” She pulled a bright colored paper out of her purse. It was an ad for a choir concert “I’ll be in it, if you wanna come that'd be cool, if you can’t you can’t.”

“You’re religious?”

“It was just something to do after work. I gotta have hobbies. It’s a good place to meet friends too.” She explained.

“If you’re bored I could find work for you to do.” He told her.

“You can’t be my only friend Kai. Will you come?” She asked.

“I’ll do my best.” He told her.

Singing?

The league of villains were at it again attacking students. There had to be a reason why they would target twerps. It was utterly aggravating to see these directionless villians be the main characters of the bad side while Kai was working feverishly in the shadows. Drugs were the only thing getting them by, and they were doing it behind Pops’ back. His only saving grace was there were no current unresolved charges he had which allowed him to wander in public, yet he still had to be careful. He had more enemies than friends.

The laboratory was filled with scientists doing their best to complete their own niche drugs to sell to the underground market. He needed to sell drugs that didn’t fit in with his goals to financially support the operation. That day he joined in. He didn’t ask for anyone’s help, he just messed with the chemicals to see what they would make. Once they were put into capsules, he sold them, not caring about the consequences. Some people may die, but they’ll further his research. Besides what date are they expecting by buying underground drugs?

“Chrono, come with me.” Kai called. “I’m presenting to pops tonight.” He told him.

After telling him his plan very loosely there was a silence. They have the facility to erase quirks, but not the main ingredient, but they’re close.

“I don’t want you involved in anymore drugs.” Pops told him. “You’re too smart . Just let me handle everything else.”

Kai shut the door behind him. Chrono stood beside him as he inhaled through the mask. He knew he didn’t have enough to make it work, but if Pops saw the results it would have to change his mind. Those heroes are suffocating everyone around. If it was just the police there would be no problem, but those damn heroes…

“Chisaki…” Chrono said.

At the sound of hearing his failure of a name, he punched the wall. Shit. He checked under his glove and saw the hand swelling.

“I’m going to finish this.” Kai told him.

He went back to his office and found the flyer Y/n gave him. The concert was tonight in a church across town. Shit. He was going to be late. It wasn’t important, but he knew he had to make these little things.

“I need a driver.”

Traffic became hell. Villains were fighting in the streets and the police were helpless. Chisaki and the driver were just sitting in a running car unable to go forward. If they just passed the blockade they could maybe only be five minutes late. What was he supposed to do, wait for a hero?

“I’m leaving.”

“Sir-“ the driver called.

“I’m not sitting in traffic.”

He shit the door and saw the police were still blocking the road. He tried taking a detour around the blockade but every street was blocked.

“I have something important to attend to, I need to pass.” He said walking up to a police officer .

Today he wasn’t worried about the law because it was dark out and he doesn’t have any current charges out on him. They’ve been paid or bribed.

“Yeah, no, it’s too dangerous”. The police officer said.

“I’m going to kill you!” One of the villains yelled blasting off a beam.

“Stand back!” The officer said pushing Chisaki.

Debris scattered around distracting the police. Kai jumped the pathetic little fence of a blockade. He ran. It had been awhile since he had to. Immediately he took his jacket off and held on to it. A body was flown at him. It was assumed to be a villain.

“A civilian!” He yelled. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Get off of me.” He pushed the man off of him.

“I oughta use you as a shield!” The man took Chisaki off the ground.

Quickly he lifted his glove off his free hand. He slapped the man’s hand for touching him. The arm exploded on impact squirting blood everywhere. He couldn’t kill him here. Not with the police close by. The hives broke out on his arm and face. Chisaki went to an alley to hide from anyone else who could see him. The law and the heros were poorly handling the situation, so it was easier to pass by.

There he found the church between office buildings. It looked crammed where it was. The windows were colored with art from the Bible. Entering the chapel there were many empty pews, marble floor, candle lights, and the sound of singing. At the altar stood a dozen people in white robes singing. The church was dark with a couple spot lights on the choir. Y/n was on the ends, and there he could hear only her voice. The moment seemed to overwhelm and calm him at the same time. He was drawn to take a step closer as he had no control. The front few pews were filled, but 60% of them were empty. He stood in the back, not wanting to be noticed by the other people. He was seen though. The (color) eyes looked at him directly and a smile grew and met with her eyes. It felt like a blessing that was happening.

Y/n was an angle that’s what she was.

Pure, so pure that’s why he didn’t mind her touching him. That’s why he showed her his face. That’s why they kissed. But with his hands, he ended up not taininring her. Was she his and he hers? He dismembered a man’s arm today, and she sang about love. She was his angel and he was her devil. There was no doubt about her now.

It all made sense, she came back to him after so many years, and kept trying to get back into his life, drunk visits, parties, power outages. They were all signs to bring them together. Where does she fit into the plan though? It could be figured out later. Maybe his closest partner?

Next https://tryingfe-imaginesblog.tumblr.com/post/613800412034760704/overhaulxreader-part-13-the-singing-stopped-some

[iplaydrake]

FULL CIRCLE - CHAPTER 6 - THE RIGHT AND WRONG (AND RIGHT AGAIN) WAY TO BE A STUNNER - PART 3

Catch Up Here :

CHAPTER 6 - THE RIGHT AND WRONG (AND RIGHT AGAIN) WAY TO BE A STUNNER - PART 2

Author’s Note : Positive feedback, constructive criticism, and reblogging are always welcome. I own nothing except the storyline of my MC. Everything else belongs to Pixelberry.

Pairing : Drake x MC

Tag List : @likethetailofacomet @carabeth @rhymesmenagerie @speedyoperarascalparty @butindeed @wannabemc2 @client-327 @jovialyouthmusic @be-still-my-aching-heart @riseandshinelittleblossom @lodberg @drakesensworld @alj4890 @rainbowsinthestorm @ao719 @andy-loves-corgis @drakewalkerisreal @whenyourheartskipsabeat @furiousherringoperatortoad @silentcoyotesong @choicesmacmakes @ladyangel70 @lady-alex-keith @notoriouscs @lynne1993 @qammh-blog @gnatbrain @sirbeepsalot

 *** FLASHBACK - 1 MONTH BEFORE SWEET 16 ***

“I don't even feel like I connect with her anymore; if I ever even did... I mean, what could she possibly see in a guy like me?” She immediately grabbed the piece of his hair she was playing with, yanking it back so he would look up at her. “Ow, Duck!”

“OK, first of all, I told you to stop talking about yourself like that and second, you are the most amazing man I've ever met, Drake. Any girl would be lucky to have a chance to even talk to you. If she can't see that, then that's her loss. God, I just don't understand why you... You know what? Nevermind...”

“What?”

“Nothing... Forget I said anything...”

He sat up from her lap and turned to face her. “Come on, Rem. What were you gonna say?”

She knew better than to think he'd let it go; he never did with her, always saying that the fact that she was so honest and open with him about what she was thinking was how he knew she was more real than any other noble at court. “Why you care so much about someone who treats you like shit.”

“You don't get it, Duck... You don't know what it's like for someone like me to be around people like them... No one treats me or sees me as anything but a commoner... And Kiara may not treat me good all the time but-”

She was suddenly tired of hiding her feelings from him and mad at the same time that after 3 months of spending time together he hadn't noticed them himself. She cut him off before he could continue. “Stop saying no one sees you! I'm here, Drake. I'm right here in front of you and I do! How can you sit there day in and day out and not realize it?... Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me that you don't think about us? That you've never wondered what it would be like for us to be together?” He was silent for longer than she would have liked and before she could feel anymore embarrassed than she already was, she wiped at the imaginary dust on her pants and stood up. “I guess this is all in my head then... Listen, I'm gonna go, I'll see you... Whenever, I guess.”

As she turned to walk away, he quickly stood and reached out, grabbing her hand. “Rem, no! Please don’t leave!” She paused but didn't turn around. “Look, I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it... Probably more than I should... I mean, after these last few months, how could I not?” She turned to face him waiting for him to continue. "And you're right, you do see me. You are the only one who makes me feel like I'm worth a damn, the only one who takes the time to get to know the real me and I care about you; so much more than I ever thought possible... But Rem, you're only 16. It can't happen for us...” She knew it was the truth but it didn't hurt any less hearing it from him and she dropped her head, feeling the tears start to fall at his rejection. He immediately moved his hand to her cheek to get her to meet his eyes as he continued with a smile. “At least not right now... Listen, I'll make you a deal. We'll keep doing what we're doing, spending time, getting to know each other and we'll see where it takes us. I’ll even promise that if no other guy is lucky enough to experience what it's like to kiss you, it’ll be me... The minute you turn 18, I'll be your first.”

“What exactly are you saying, Drake?”

“I’m saying that if, in 2 years, you still think you want me, we'll be together... For real.”

She shook her head at him, unable to contain her smile. "There's no question in my mind that you're still going to be the one I want... I'm gonna marry you someday, Drake Walker."

*** END OF FLASHBACK ***

When she'd left home almost 6 years ago, she closed herself off to everyone, no longer trusting people's intentions and in turn, never allowing anyone close enough to hurt her. Any memories she had of the place that had caused her so much pain were buried deep down inside of her as she struggled to move on. But as hard as she tried, being home brought them to the surface faster than she'd expected and she could feel her guard dropping at the same speed. As she was packing her bag to head to Lythikos with her brothers and Savannah, she briefly wondered why she was going through these motions. In her mind, she had no intention of staying in Cordonia permanently, knowing there was no way she could stomach seeing, let alone interacting with, anyone who hurt her.

But it was the thought of getting close to Drake again or closer than she already was to Liam, that scared her more than anything. Between the look on Drake's face each time he begged her to believe him and the kiss she shared with each of them the day before, she knew that it was just a matter of time until she gave in to her feelings, knowing exactly where her heart would lie when it happened. Her kiss with Liam had been what she'd expected; sweet and gentle, the kind of kiss only a prince could give. But just like she knew it would, Drake's kiss left her breathless and wanting more. It was Drake... It would always be Drake.

So she did the only thing she could think of... She planned in her head how she was going to avoid him, knowing that after last night, staying away from him was the only chance she'd have if she wanted to make it back to New York with her heart intact. She walked out to the waiting limo, finishing the emails to her teachers and her boss, letting them all know that she wasn't coming back just yet, as she heard Maxwell call out to her.

“Rem, come on! We gotta go!”

“I'm coming, I'm co-” she froze as she looked up and saw him, leaning against the waiting limo. “Uh, Maxwell can I talk to you for a minute, please?”

“Remington, honestly, we do not have time for this.” She ignored Bertrand's call from inside as she gave Maxwell a look that said she wasn't asking. She grabbed his arm and yanked him far enough away where she hoped they wouldn't be overheard.

“Um, what the hell, Maxwell? What's he doing here?”

“What?” Maxwell asked, feigning ignorance. “He asked if he could catch a ride with us... He was supposed to go with Liam but he slept in, something about having a headache... What was I supposed to say?!”

She looked over at Drake, who was smirking at her. “Ugh, I should have hit him harder.”

“What?”

“Nothing... Let's just go...” She ignored the look Maxwell gave her as they walked back towards the limo and he slid in first, as she stopped in front of Drake. He motioned for her to get in, still smirking, and she shook her head, unable hide her own smile as he sat next to her, close enough that their knees were touching. She knew she was in big trouble as he looked down at her and winked, discretely locking his pinky finger with hers. A part of her knew she should pull her hand away, not wanting to give him the wrong idea, but another part was comforted by the simplicity of the gesture. That part won out as they stayed like that the whole way to Lythikos.

*****

“Come on, kid! Skate with me!” Maxwell didn't wait for her response as he grabbed her hand and dragged her out towards Hana. She couldn't help but laugh as the two of them literally skated circles around her. It had been forever since she'd been on the ice and it showed as she struggled to keep her balance and avoid running into anyone. As she made her way around the pond, she caught Drake's eyes as he watched her with a smile. She didn't notice the little blonde girl that was skating, both of them completely unaware that they were about to skate right into each other. By the time either realized, it was too late. The little girl couldn't stop herself as she flew right into Remi, knocking her down, Remi doing her best to take the brunt of the fall. She helped the little girl sit up slowly as Drake rushed out onto the ice, seeing Remi fall and everyone else huddled around them to make sure they were alright. “Whoa, are you ok, sweetie?” She looked around scared, almost as if she was going to be in trouble and as the crowd grew, so did the fear on her face. A woman Remi assumed was her mom hurried over apologizing, “I'm so sorry, Lady Remington! Are you ok?”

Remi immediately waved her off. “I'm perfectly fine! Is she? I tried asking her myself, but she wouldn't answer me.”

Her mother smiled sadly and Remi watched as she signed to her daughter, asking if she was alright. Remi put her hands up, stopping her. She took off her gloves, shifting the little girl's attention to herself to sign. “I'm so sorry I wasn't watching where I was going. Are you ok?” 

The little girl, realizing Remi could sign, smiled for the first time, excited to finally be able to talk to someone else. She signed back excitedly, tell Remi she was fine and they continued their conversation as everyone watched, stunned. Drake and Liam both smiled to themselves as they watched the interaction and after a few minutes, the little girl threw her arms around Remi, hugging her tightly. Her mom reached out for her hand and she waved back to Remi as they walked away. As the crowd slowly dissipated, Drake moved behind her, putting his hands under her arms to help her stand up. Hana, clearly impressed, was the first to speak up. “Wow, Remi! I had no idea you knew sign language.”

“It's not a big deal. I took some classes in school.” She met Drake's eyes and tried to hide her blush as everyone noticed the look he gave her.

“Come on, Rem. Let's head in for a little bit.” Maxwell said as he led her towards the estate. He turned back, catching Drake's attention, and made a slicing motion across his throat, hoping Drake got his message loud and clear.

*****

After dinner, everyone moved to the sitting room to continue their conversations. Remi couldn't help but notice Drake as he continuously looked down at his watch. 

“What's the matter, Walker? Got a hot date you can't be late for?” 

He didn't answer, instead holding out his hand for her to take. “Come with me? I wanna show you something.” She slid her hand in his, allowing him to interlock their fingers together as he led her out into the cold, stopping them when they reached a clearing not far from the estate. He stood in front of her, putting his hands on her shoulders. “Ok, so don't be mad...”

“Why would I be-” Before she could finish her sentence, he gave her a soft shove, catching her off guard, and she fell backwards into the snow.

“Heyyy!”

“What? I told you not to be mad...” He said as he let himself fall beside her.

“Seriously, Drake? What the-”

“Shhh... Watch!” He pointed up, making her shift her focus as a meteor shower lit up the night sky.

“Wow... This is amazing.” She looked over at him with a smile to see he was  already staring at her. She slowly slid her hand into his, both of them once again feeling the same spark from so long ago. “Thank you for sharing this with me.” she whispered. 

“I want to share everything with you, Rem.” He leaned over, pulling her into a long kiss before he felt her shiver underneath him. “You're freezing... Let's go in.” He stood first and helped her to her feet, and she slid her hand in his again, this time on instinct. They barely made it through the doorway before his mouth was on hers again, rushed and frantic, the build up of what they'd both waited for for so long now taking over, both knowing exactly where they wanted this to go. Before all logic could go out the window, Remi did her best to get his attention; there was something she knew she needed to tell him before things went any further.

"Drake... Drake, I...” 

“What, Baby?” He didn't stop, instead speaking through his kisses.

“I'm… I've never… been WITH anyone... Like this…" She said, trying catch her breath. He pulled away to look at her and she suddenly felt insecure under his surprised stare.

"I just... I mean before I left, anyway... I always thought me and you… That you would be my..." She fumbled with her words feeling more and more self-conscious by the minute. "I just... I wanted to be honest." She looked down, afraid to meet his eyes.

He brought his hands up, lifting her face and stared at her as if he was trying to remember this moment forever, before slowly leaning in to kiss her again. "I'll never know what I did to deserve you…” He kissed her once more before he held out his hand to her. “Come on, come with me.” She grabbed it, holding it tight in both of hers as he led her down the hall to his room.

Want to continue? Click below for the next chapter :

CHAPTER 7 : I’VE GOT YOU DOWN TO A TEE

[natsunoomoi]

Learned Something New About Trauma

Those who have read my blog before about posts I made that talk about Mukuro and her relationship with Hiei know that I haven't really liked her for the sole reason of the chapter with her birthday because Hiei says something insensitive she punches him in the stomach and sends him flying. It's something I thought was abuse and something that I didn't understand until this past weekend.

There are a lot of things about Mukuro that I find similar to myself somehow, which seems really ironic because a lot of the things that happened to me in my life that ended up shaping my personality to be more like hers didn't happen to me until after I was 10 years old and already liked Hiei. I wasn't abused by my father like she was exactly, but it can be argued I did experience some amount of sexual trauma because my Dad used to watch inappropriate media in front of me when I was young. When I was small I was curious, but as I got older it started to take a toll on me mentally about what it meant for my self-worth and my own sexuality. I did feel like my Dad regretted it and as I got older he started hiding that stuff from me more, but kind of just too late. In every other way, he was a completely supportive and loving father and a much better safe space than my Mom who was physically and emotionally abusive and exceedingly negative about everything and almost ranting and raving about how she wishes she had a better life or didn't marry my Dad or that I had a different father. I really resented it because I felt like my Mom lived with her head in the clouds in dreams that will never happen and didn't do right by me in reality. And even into today, sometimes still doesn't when she gets crazy ideas and starts messaging me in the middle of the night.

But even so, I grew slowly to like different aspects of Mukuro because of all that and because of experiencing other kinds of stalking and trauma by people around me and up until a huge sexual harassment issue 8 years ago. I moved away and moved to Japan since then and I thought I was okay and moved on until I learned that PTSD leaves you "gifts" in the future well past when the trauma happened. Those are "triggers". And like having experienced and been through one, I am absolutely horrified now that the word "trigger" is used SO CASUALLY by people online. YOU. DON'T. KNOW. WHAT. YOU'RE. TALKING. ABOUT. You are mildly uncomfortable and unhappy with something. You are not having a traumatic flashback or episode and actually losing your mind and reliving your trauma and what you've always wanted to do to your aggressor because some celebrity made a statement you disagree with. Some people have really mundane things as their triggers and that doesn't make their trauma less valid. That's totally a thing cuz sometimes it's like medical trauma or something. I'm not judging that, but other people really are only using the word to mean that they are angry and disagree. That is so damn dangerous as it doesn't help people with mental illnesses to understand what they're going through when a real trigger happens to them. I know that now and I have never used the word that way because it just seemed weird to use so casually, but also other people's casual use of it made me completely unprepared for when I actually got triggered from my own trauma.

I've been somewhat uncomfortable by a coworker for the last few months because when we talk he's been touching me on the shoulder and back. He claims he only tapped me and it's a normal thing in his culture, but like at least once he pet my shoulder to middle of my bicep, and a few times he's grabbed the handle on my backpack. Last time we were on the same train together he rested his hand as we waited for the door to open at Takamatsu station on the Marine Liner. So yeah, awkward and uncomfortable, and I was basically in shock and every time was not able to open my mouth to ask him to stop. My mind would say, "I should tell him to stop," and then I just keep watching myself not do that.

I have a somewhat more senior position in that I've been at the company longer and my boss is training me for more responsibilities, but also I felt a lot of stress and pressure to try to help him too because he's new. Maybe it's a misunderstanding, but that on top of feeling physically uncomfortable and not being able to rectify the situation myself is more than a little straining. Last weekend we were talking and he somehow made me really upset over something really mundane and before I knew it I was talking to him like I was talking to my aggressor when I was trying to get justice for myself and get him to leave me alone. It's really bizarre because it was a huge overreaction disproportionate to what was happening, but I couldn't stop myself and my normal sense of what I should and shouldn't do completely went out the window even though I was also aware of who I was talking to and remembering things specifically about him. I've heard something like this is an emotional flashback where it's not that you literally remember a memory and relive it, it's that suddenly feelings from when you were harassed come up and you feel that way about whoever you're talking to for no reason. My boss was the one to finally calm me down and start pointing out the logic fallacies and break me out of it. She also was kind enough to smooth things over and like not make a big deal about it because she knows it's not me, but I have to make moves to change. I contacted a therapist immediately and started getting treatment for it, but the entire sensation was really bizarre. I felt so justified and like it was right up until just after I spoke with my boss and she helped me to stop unraveling it. She also said a few things that a therapist probably wouldn't recommend saying to someone with PTSD, but she also admitted that she's not a medical expert on that and doesn't actually know how to help me with that. Over the course of the next day the other me started fading away toward the bottom left of my body, but it like felt like an actual miasma cloud of bitterness and hatred. It was so weird. And slowly my normal voice and self I could feel to the upper right above my head, and there were times where it did feel like I had two voices talking to me. One was happy with schadenfreude and one who genuinely felt bad and cared.

But still, the point with this post is after I experienced that and what a trigger feels like and that full loss of control because you are now back in the traumatic moment and not in the present, I didn't understand how Mukuro could hit Hiei. On the other side of it, I can see it now. She was in a bad mood already and kind of already exhausted her resources of being able to have good humor about herself, what happened to her, or just things in general and Hiei said something that happened to hit just the right spot and trauma trigger ho. All cool or sense of what even she's doing and to whom is gone and Hiei goes flying. That said, I also realize now how exactly wonderful Hiei is because even though that happened to him he stuck by her and forgave her and was supportive of her overcoming and facing her past so she could move on. He understood and accepted her trauma and still cared because even though what she did was wrong and she has to take responsibility for her actions, it's also not entirely her fault. It's just trauma.

Oh, but also, there were a lot of people defending it as, "They're youkai. That's how they communicate." No, the hell it is not. That is not what is going on, so I can definitively say that a lot of the YYH community also didn't understand this scene and even the animators because they turned their confrontation into an actual full-on fight in the anime that included parts of this, but also not really. Togashi basically wrote a really beautiful story about Mukuro's birthday and what it's like to live with trauma years after the original event happened and still persevere, and despite the "presents" known as triggers rearing their ugly heads, a person can still find love and acceptance. It is not the end of their life and they are not broken or a lesser person or less deserving of trust and care and support because of what happened to them. We need more stories like this that talk about actual trauma and what it's like to live with it. We have so many stories that are about trauma happening and how a character overcomes it, but we don't have many like this that basically illustrates what a trigger is and how PTSD affects you the rest of your life and how that doesn't make you a bad person that doesn't deserve anything. I wish I was able to notice this earlier and know before. I wish I was able to understand this without needing to go through it myself, but since I did I'm oh so very happy that it exists because it gives me hope.

After a trigger, the person often feels really guilty for their actions because once they calm down and get back to normal safe mode again, the reality of what they did sets in and from that can come guilt, blame, self-hatred, and depression. Especially if the person they care about ditches them after they did that to them. But Hiei doesn't. He instead goes to Kurama and asks for some plants and even asks what kind of stuff women like. Then he takes a very special plant and hunts down her Dad and dresses for the occasion to present her Dad frozen by a plant on a pedestal for her birthday. He really truly accepts her and understands what she's going through and is willing to help her through it.

Now I don't expect my coworker to do something like Hiei, but his actions recently and that of my boss yesterday when we went out to a planned dinner and karaoke party that we scheduled two months before do kind of show me that I also have the same kind of acceptance as well.

But very essentially, Mukuro is the model of a person who is living her life post-trauma well and an example of just general hope. After the aforementioned guilt sets in sometimes people start to think about self-harm or suicide because of the realization that triggers are landmines lain secretly across the rest of their life and you have no idea where they are and if one small thing is going to make you be a complete asshole to someone you love. Very essentially, and importantly to me right now, Mukuro is acting as a role model for me as to how that isn't necessarily true and you can still live well and happily.

[analisegrey]

So you haven't posted any more of the "Bad Things Happen Bingo" stories on AO3 for a while. Is everything okay?

Long story short, yes, everything is ok, and is actually quite good, and I’m very touched that you’d ask, so thank you :)

I’m turning this into a ‘State of the Analise Nation’ type deal, so more specific response under the cut (cause wow it got long)

I know my content creation has slowed significantly over the last few weeks, and that’s largely due to a number of factors:

1) Dave, my muse, went on vacation for a bit.I have written more in the past 7 months or so than I have in practically my entire fannish life, to the tune of approximately 121,679 words, or roughly 90% of my lifetime word count on AO3. For someone who had written maybe a few thousand words total in the entire rest of her fannish life, that’s an unimaginable amount (I still can’t believe it, quite honestly). Being completely unused to that level of productivity, I burned myself out, somewhat, and have been trying not to push myself too much on the writing front. I don’t want to push so much I hate it, since I know when Dave is ready, he’ll wander back. He’s already making forays back into my head, though he’s pointed at Critical Role at the moment. I have no doubt that once the new season hits this upcoming Friday that I’ll have a flood of new ideas and more creative energy for the ones I’ve already had bubbling away.

2) I’ve had some health issues eating my energyI’ve mentioned it briefly in tags, I think, but this past month I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I’ve been trying to find a good balance for activity, both physical and mental, that will enable me to enjoy everything to the fullest. The medication I’m on now has helped a great deal, though I know I’m early on yet in treatment, and a lot of my energy has gone towards this. Now that we know what it is, and it’s being treated, things should be starting to even out soon.

and speaking of evening out…

3) AnhedoniaAside from fibromyalgia, I’ve suffered long-term depression and anxiety. Over the past year or so, I’ve made huge strides, and improved a great deal (largely due to this fandom and the online community), but one of the major symptoms I’ve dealt with has been ‘anhedonia’, which is the inability to feel pleasure. If you’ve ever heard of people who suffer depression having trouble enjoying activities they normally enjoy? That would be anhedonia. I’ve had it so long, I’d almost forgotten what it was like to *not* feel it.Until last week.I don’t know if it’s in response to the treatment I’m now receiving for fibromyalgia, but last week I had this sudden burst of energy and joy that I hadn’t experienced in…well to be honest, years. It was almost like being high, the sudden rush of desire to do things, to make things, to want to do everything, and all at once. Right now, it feels like there literally aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do, and it’s going to take time, assuming this lasts, for me to work on prioritizing what I want to do now that I want to do everything. So that’s a bit of a process.What does that mean for this blog?1) I fully intend to keep writing for the Voltron fandom.I have a lot of stories I still want to tell, ones I’ve started, have notes on, that have been requested. I plan on applying to write for the @vldwhumpzine when applications open on August 12th (even though it kind of terrifies me), I just need time to get back up to speed, as it were.

2) I do plan to keep writing in generalI have gotten completely ensnared into the Season 2 Critical Role fandom, and once I’ve caught up on that, will likely delve into Season 1 as well while I wait for new season 2 episodes to come out. You’ll likely start to see works appear from this fandom, as well as works from the MCU, since I still have stories to tell there as well.

3) I plan to do more sewing and drawing, which may eat some of my timeI love sewing and costuming and costume design in general, and it’s been a very long time since I had the energy or inclination to do so. Now that I seem to have it (and have even purchased fabric), I intend to try to make the most of it while I can. That may mean that it eats into the time I spend writing in the evenings, but again, when Dave has an idea, he’s very difficult to shut up, so if something takes my brain over, don’t doubt it’ll get written pretty quick.So yeah. This got a bit long, but I think that’s about everything. And again, thank you so much for asking after me :) I really do appreciate it.