#[.:. dreadwxlf; ball verse .:.];

[ellana-lavellan-rp]

IRREVERSIBLE ; .

(( for @dreadwxlf. ty for being so patient with me!

ellana's outfit is here.

the waltz music i'm imagining is here and also here.

here's to solavellan happiness at last!!!

also tw: mention of attempted suicide via drowning ))

-x-

irreversible [ ir-i-vur-suh-buhl ]: adjective not reversible; incapable of being changed.

-x-

Things began to get better for Ellana after the time Fen'harel had snuck into her dream - over time (decades, it would turn out to be), and with distance, her heart started to mend anew. It was precipitated by one of the greatest mistakes she had made to date (and she can still feel the water in her lungs if she thinks about it too much), but her remaining friends and family had seen her through it. It was difficult at first, to put down the trinkets that had so defined the legacy of her friends, but she had had to do it for her own sake.

She couldn't keep holding onto a world long dead, it would destroy her too; and in fact, it almost had.

-x-

(the water is cold, and she is so, so tired - she cannot bear being here even a moment longer -

wading, and then diving -

and she wills with every inch of her deadened heart:

drag me down -

and the water obeys)

-x-

Dorian's message crystal had been the last item she had put away, deep into one of her drawers, and she had wept the entire time (almost unable to put it away at all). But with that weeping came a certain kind of healing, a realization; she would never forget them, but they were gone. They wouldn't have wanted her to waste away like she had been doing - a slower, more painful death than even drowning.

They would have wanted better for her.

And so she regrew her arm, regrew her hair, removed her piercing (which she had hated even though it was in remembrance of thom), and started to eat again. It wasn't overnight, and she still had bad days along the way, but she slowly began to regain the strength that she had lost.

Ellana took up more of the clan leadership duties, helping Deshanna and even Fenris, who had taken it upon himself to assist in her absence. Which she was silently grateful for, even as she buried it with her other guilt - she shouldn't have been so weak, she should've been stronger - but what was done was done.

What's done is done... but we have eternity now..

there will always be a place for you... His words never stopped haunting her either - nor the memory of his wounded face after the destruction of the dream. He hadn't come back since... he had probably already moved on from her.

The thought shouldn't have hurt as much as it did.

In her darkest hours, when she was laying in bed alone, Ellana could admit now that she still loved Solas; she probably always would. But how could she ever trust him again, even if they did somehow reunite?

It was probably better this way, even though it didn't make it hurt any less.

She was adamant about not stepping a toe into Arlathan, however, and she kept that promise for years, until one day her parents had needed her to go in their place for one of the clan's trading days.

-x-

"Just this once, da'lath'in."

Her mother had said, and Ellana was helpless to deny her anything.

-x-

Somehow that one incident had turned into regular visits (only to the marketplace, she never wandered beyond it, and it seemed that Solas never visited, at least on the days her clan was there), and Ellana slowly began to get comfortable there as well.

It was indescribable - the beauty of the crystal through the clouds, the finery of the clothes the people wore - the feel of magic everywhere and spirits aplenty; and a sad, sad part of her could see why Solas had wanted it back so badly. None of it had been worth their friends lives though, but even the pain behind that thought lessened as time wore on.

Before she knew it, decades had passed, and the annual celebration of the rebirth of Arlathan was upon them. She had stayed far away by that point, but a curious part of her wondered what the celebration was like. Was it like Orlais; where the game had been rampant? Or was it like the Dalish, whose parties had been the talk amongst humans for ages for their rambunctiousness?

Did they honor the fallen? Or was it held as a glorious victory, regardless of its victims?

She tried not to think about it too much, but as the evening fell upon them once more, her mother had pulled her aside.

-x-

"Why don't you go tonight, da'lath'in? You've had this longing look on your face all day."

"You know why, mamae.. I can't... I can't face him."

Her mother's warm brown eyes soften, and she pulls Ellana close. "Yes you can, and I know you want to. You can lie to the others, da'len, but you cannot lie to me. Enough time has passed, why not show him what he's missing?"

Ellana sighs, hugging the older woman tightly, "He's probably already with someone else. You know how the women talk of him."

She chuckles, eyes sparkling with mirth, "I have it on good authority that he isn't."

Blue eyes narrow and she looks up at her mother in shock, "Who..."

"Never you mind. Go get changed, I've left your outfit in your hut. A friend of mine told me that it was quite the outfit back in the ancient days. Perfect for Fen'harel, wouldn't you say?"

"Mamae!!!"

Her mother laughs, "I just want you happy, my darling. And you're not happy here, not fully, at least."

-x-

It was true, but that didn't mean that Ellana was fully ready to admit it.

She had gotten changed after all; the strange white material flowing like silk around her, the golden cuffs an odd weight around her wrists and neck. The golden circlet at the bottom of her hair (which was pulled back), wrapping around her ears, was probably the oddest piece - it felt like something nobility would wear, but she was hardly that.

Not for the first time, she wondered who her mother's friend was, and why they would even deem it necessary to help her with Solas.

It made her off-kilter... a feeling only amplified when she found herself back in Arlathan once more - more people than she had ever seen before, reveling in a grand ball, of all things. A palace, with rooms of gold and white, and crystal everywhere - a sight that truly took her breath away.

It was beautiful, and nothing like she had ever seen before.

At least no one was paying her much attention, their focus on the main ballroom and the dancers within it, she mused as she grabbed a glass of wine from one of the floating trays, testing its sweetness.

Divine, and Ellana just about rolled her eyes - everything here was perfect, almost too much so - but her thoughts grinded to a halt when she caught sight of just who the dancers on the floor were.

It was... him. And another woman, which made her fingers tighten on the stem of the glass, even as her mind raced -

Mamae was wrong, I knew -

But just as her thought had formed, Solas had quickly moved onto another partner, disengaging the previous with what looked like politeness (her heart pounded with relief). It continued that way throughout the night, partner after partner, her blue eyes never leaving him (blending in with the crowd), even as he managed to somehow slip away.

He was beautiful, her vhenan.

Adorned in a black outfit, more than complimenting her own stark white - the same type of golden cuffs around his wrists and neck.

Like they belonged together. Like they were meant to be.

The thought took her breath away.

I never... stopped loving him. Not really.

Her feet moved of their own volition, dodging the crowd, her entire focus shifting to the man in front of her (who seemed to be willing those around not to notice his departure, but he could never escape her, not with a will as stubborn as his own).

She followed him to the courtyard, and watched as he exhaled a breath.

Ellana could barely think with the ringing in her ears, her heart viscerally pounding in her chest, he was here and he was so close -

She stepped closer, and closer, and finally, finally was able to speak, "Solas."

Her voice was light in the midst of all the celebration, and she suddenly didn't know what to say. "... I.. how.. have you been?"