#[[my mental health is really really bad today/last few and I'm not entirely sure why

[kgerbertt]

[shootout-at-university-fair]

Four Years' Worth of Ramblings (and Pondering Life at Twenty)

It’s been about four years since I was even remotely active on here, even longer since I’ve made original content on this website. Well, in those four years since I’ve last used this blog, it’s safe to say I’ve officially grown up. I think I made this account when I was about 13. At that time, turning 20 genuinely felt like it would never come. As time tends to do, of course, it progressed - so here we are.

Given that I live in a country that would rather focus on banning social media apps and protecting genocidal governments that line their own pockets instead of, you know, helping its own citizens like a government is supposed to do, and one that is certainly fucked no matter who we end up electing this year, it just felt right to return to the website that radicalized me in the first place (especially when really the only other option is… *shudders* twitter).

I must say, it simultaneously feels weird and comforting to come back. As I enter my senior year of college (has it really been that long?), I’ve begun to look back at what has shaped me into the woman I am today. I know this website certainly had a hand. As I previously stated, this website truly formed my moral compass, at an age that I desperately needed something to. To those who have followed me in the past, and might still be lurking here today, I genuinely thank you for making me the woman I am today.

Now… what exactly has happened in these last few years? Well, a lot. These last four years have simultaneously been the best and worst years of my life so far (and seriously, from how my 2024 has mostly been going, fuck 2024). Let’s start with the negative and end with some positive things, shall we?

I've certainly had my share of shit thrown at me over the last few years, from having to file not one, but two Title IX complaints at my college within three years and going through my fair share of manipulative and abusive relationships (both platonic and romantic), to having - and overcoming an eating disorder. Somehow, I've survived (albeit with some added mental health medications and diagnoses - I expected most of them, but definitely not the borderline diagnosis).

It hasn't been all bad, though. Actually, some of these last few years have been really great. I finally have some real friends IRL (they're a bunch of losers - one is @hunter-blossom-5 if you want to see what the vibe is like, but they're my losers and I wouldn't trade them for the world), and I've fallen in love. Well, I mean, I've fallen in love several times over these last few years, but for once, I've fallen in love and know it's the right type of love: the love where even if the world is ending, it doesn't feel like that because you know that they will be beside you the entire time, and even more after? Yeah, I'm talking about that love. I know he has an account on here, but he's never told me what his username is. I hope that if he's reading it, he knows who I'm talking about - I love you, babe; always have, and always will.

I'm not sure exactly why I stopped posting, but I just did. I actively tried to distance myself from my days on here IRL. If you told me even two months ago that not only would I be revisiting so many of my old interests from my teenage years in my twenties, and being so open about my love for them, I would have thought you were insane. Something in the last few months in my brain just itched and longed for who I once was, the version of me I was when I was on here the most. Throughout a lot of these four years, I was incredibly rude towards the younger me present on this account, trying to bury her deep down to fit in more. I think I've been too harsh on her in my past, and just wish that I could go back in time, take back all the negative shit I've said about her, and just give her the largest hug - she definitely needed that more than the criticism I leveled instead. Well, time travel doesn't exist, and Back to The Future has taught me to never have yourself at two different ages meet. I think coming back here, showing her that as you get older you can still be you, is the best I can do for her in our universe.

Most of you have known me simply as mutantjediavenger on this platform. Some of you have known me as Ella, but for all who comes across this blog today, you can just call me El. You've earned it.

[dzpenumbra]

1/23/23

Man, I'm hungry, I've been snacking all day. Just grabbed some cheetos popcorn. It's not very good, to be honest, and it's not really food, to be honest, but it's something.

Ugh, I was trying to track my brain back a bit, it was like I was writing my journal entry as I was walking to the kitchen. This brain-mode is so automatic for me now. It's insane how useful this kind of training is for like... being cognitive of your thought processes. Allowing yourself to think freely and to watch how the thoughts branch and tangent. Mindfulness, I guess. Being aware of your thoughts and engaging in them fully. Rather than just being on autopilot your whole life, I guess. Or letting others think for you...

I was thinking about how I was up until like 5 last night, and how I was looking at the website of a Unitarian Universalist church in town. I've been considering going and seeing what it's about, with the intentions of meeting a community of like-minded people. I've never been part of any form of congregation at any point in my life. The first time I tried to join a spiritual group, my parents started prying their way back into my life and lost their shit on me... sending me spiraling out of my studies and eventually just abandoning it. I never finished my entry process, which was a something I was really excited about. At some point that summer... maybe before, maybe after, I'm not sure... I tried to go to a Jewish temple in my old town on Passover. I had been studying the Bible a bit, specifically Genesis, and exploring Judaism as well. I was aware that Passover had a big component about like... opening your doors to your community and shit, it was like a whole part of the ceremony. And I'm 1/4 Jewish by blood so... I thought it would be okay if I showed up. They had a $20 door charge, which I thought was odd, but whatever. I dug up some cash from around my house. When I got there, my "friend" from the state mental health retreat called me, like right when I was pulling into the parking lot. She was threatening suicide. I was on the phone with her in the parking lot, chain-smoking in my running car for the entire ceremony. I remember seeing people walk by and just waving at them as I was on the phone. Someone there called the cops on me. I had to go and talk to them. It was kinda humiliating, and kinda infuriating. A mix of weird emotions, especially after having to talk someone out of taking a bunch of pills with their intention being getting themselves so close to death that they ended up in the ER, but not so close that they actually die. (She was a nurse, she had been practicing and perfecting this form of emotional manipulation for decades.) I told the cops everything, very bluntly. They looked like they got the wind knocked out of them. They suggested I get a job working at a residential treatment center (I ended up attending one, but they were absolutely right, I should have worked there instead) and offered that I could come by their station and chill with them sometime. I really wish I had taken them up on that, but by the time I finally called to follow up on that a few months later, both officers no longer worked in my town, they transferred out. I guess the working conditions were just shit in the town, constantly understaffed and constantly dealing with people who just... like no one liked them and no one talked to them like people. Which is probably why they actually liked interacting with me, I treated them like neighbors. Because they were.

Christ, I went off on one there. So... my spiritual group experience has been. Bad. To say the least. But this place does online sermon things too, so I was thinking about checking out a livestream today. But the stream was at 10AM and I went to bed at... 5... So I said fuck that. XD

Also, what I was thinking about earlier, this church has some weirdly worded policies. Here, I can just copy paste it to show where I'm coming from. Meh, never mind, too complicated. Let's just say they have an entire tab on their site devoted to "Justice" and social justice stuff. And... I'm honestly not too sure how I feel about that. That is to say... I don't feel very good about that. Okay, fine, here's the thing that got me - "journeying toward spiritual wholeness by working to build a diverse multicultural Beloved Community by our actions that accountably dismantle racism and other oppressions in ourselves and our institutions." Okay, so your goal is not to build a community of like... whoever shows up... but to specifically make it multicultural? Just... because? Even if it doesn't naturally form that way? What then? "Dismantle racism" was the thing that got me. Like... oppression in general could easily be used right there, it's weird to me that racism is singled out other than the fact that it's like... "trending" lately. Okay, I'm thinking too fast, let me just show how I would feel more comfortable reading this. "Journeying toward spiritual wholeness by working to build a Beloved Community through our actions which seek to dismantle oppressions within ourselves." Or, you know... "We find spiritual wholeness and loving community by practicing the expression of compassion to all." Like... the rest of it really... just feels like a political activism statement.

Like... maybe they've had a lot of discussions about how they're primarily white? Maybe they've gotten shit for it? I don't know. It's just weird to me to even bring race into the picture when you're talking about the spirit. Like... why is this even a discussion, like of course you're not going to get turned away because of your skin color, good lord, it's 2023. Why would you? Do you need to add to your policies that your preachers aren't going to molest peoples' kids too? Or that you won't try to rescue the Americas from the evils of heathenry? "We take a very firm stance against blah blah." Like. Ugh. It just feels like giving power to the wrong people, and all because of fears that... in these cases... are clearly unsubstantiated. "We're going to devote ourselves to eliminate prejudices that were not there in our people, just so that everyone knows very clearly that we are not racist just because we are a primarily white spiritual group, and people who assume that we are... are toooootally not being paranoid and racist themselves... Toooootally..." Others' suspicions that they may be innately racially biased because they are primarily white... is... racism... It's assuming that a primarily white spiritual group would be prejudiced against other races. That assumption is a discrimination made against a specific racial group, based on extrapolated observations made from others in that racial group in the past. It's literally giving a voice to racist fears. Through their own policies.

I don't like talking politics because I don't like being involved in them. Too much debate, not enough discussion. Too many people get drawn to that part of societal effort seeking conflict. For the adrenaline, for the endorphins; for the fight, for the win. There's no glory in sitting at the U.N. and peacefully discussing a trade deal. Fuck no. We need to educate them, we need to show them who's right. I've had enough conflict for a lifetime. My work in making change in society takes the form of leading by example, not yelling at people, shoving shit in peoples' faces, holding signs or lobbying for change. That just not my style. I'd rather tell a story, or paint a picture, or sing a song, and let that tale speak for itself. Show, not tell. Let others come to their own conclusions, rather than tell them what to think or what to do. That's just... how I do things. Because I see anything more than that as... forceful. And I'm in no mood for gladiator fights anymore. I understand that good things have come from those methods before, I understand that others prefer those methods, that's fine, the world needs all kinds. I'm just not really looking to stand on a corner holding a sign when my heart isn't in it, and when I'm not there for that reason.

And, to be completely blunt, a politically active religious group is something that... I don't entirely feel comfortable about. As I related above. What I changed was the outward focus of the group's mission. The overlap of religion (church) and politics (state) is something that... I just... don't really like seeing? It just kinda feels uncomfortable? I don't think it's too far out there to think that. And it seems like politics, social justice and social activism is a big component of this group. So... I've been having second thoughts.

I'm more looking for a community of open-minded spiritual people who are focused on looking inward than outward. Who are focused on becoming better people in levels much more... foundational than contemporary politics. Like instead of focusing on systematic eradication of discrimination in institutions... focusing on exploring all of our individual prejudices, and why they are there in the first place? Are they judgements of entire groups or judgements of individuals? Are these strokes a bit too broad? Could these broad strokes lead to me treating someone in my life unfairly? I don't know if that all makes sense, but that's just kinda where I'm at. Less commandments, more contemplation and collaborative discussion. So it kinda feels like this group might not be for me. I'm looking for a much more Zen or Taoist centric kinda thing. But I'm not sure if there are any temples nearby.

So yeaaaaahhhh... yoga was brutal in all the right ways today. A lot of strength exercise which was actually really nice. Fired up Rimworld and recorded over 8 hours of footage... Yep. I really hope I'm actually using this footage because that's a LOT of harddrive space... And I weaved more of the necklace. Small edit here, I don't think the weaved part is going to be for the necklace anymore. The weave is just too wide and unwieldy. I think I'm going to make it a bracelet and do something different for the necklace. <shrug> No loss really, just adjustments.

That was pretty much the day honestly, not much happened. Watched Twitch, chinese leftovers, weaved while recording Rimworld. That's about it. Maybe tomorrow will be more interesting. I have been thinking about going back to the Habitat for Humanity place and looking for wood to use for making a table or bookcase. I have a hacksaw and a vice, I think I'll be able to... you know... I just tested my desk's stability and it wobbled like fuck. I don't know if I can saw wood on this thing.

I'm just gonna vent here a sec. I've been here for like a month and a half. I still don't have furniture. My only request has been for real wood furniture and nothing too expensive. Not composite wood. Not from an outlet store. And for some reason this is just... complicated. And every time I try to entertain the idea of doing it myself... it just goes south. It's just a chain of problems. So I go "okay, why don't I just order table legs, then I just need wood for the top, right? I have wood planks and a hacksaw in my apartment. "Okay, what do you clamp it to? Wobbly desk or work bench that you also do not have and has been on your 'need to get' list for like 2 months?" Not a lot of options. It just frustrates me so much that I just go, "welp, I guess I'm just stun-locked." And I wander off to something else. Ugh, maybe I just need to think about this when I'm not so overwhelmed. And bump the work bench higher up the list.

Okay, I'm tired. Sleep time.

[liskantope]

Your post last night was super interesting, and it makes me want to ask, do you think there's a strong case for the 1990s being the best decade in recent history? Perhaps for the developed world in particular, where the 1990s arguably offered a combination of peace, economic prosperity, and technological innovation that made it quite unlike anything before or since.

I tend to believe that by the most purely objective standards possible, each decade of recent human history is an improvement over the previous decade. Every now and then, things waver year by year (I can imagine that those same objective standards would show that the year 2020 was worse than the year 2019), but overall levels of poverty and violence seem to be decisively declining in the world as a whole, which is what makes the biggest difference.

So the post you refer to (the "last night" mentioned is no longer last night, because I continue to be slow at Tumblring, sorry) wasn't proposing that today's times are actually worse than any previous times including the 90's. I would still tend to believe that the world is objectively better today than even as recently as a couple of decades ago. But certain significant aspects of it, some of which tie into what we might vaguely call "morale" and other things related to mental and social health, are starting to truly feel like they're objectively worse, and that's something I've been resisting acknowledging for a good while. Not that I feel fully convinced of my new stance either; it's more an intuition that's been growing on me at an accelerated rate over the past few months.

As for the 90's, for most of my life I've thought of it as, vaguely speaking, the "happiest" decade among the most recent ones, if not over all of human history. A lot of this is colored by the fact that the 90's was the main decade of my growing up: my earliest memory is dated one of the very last days of 1989, and I reached teenagerhood (equivalent to the end of childhood, in the minds of some) shortly after the 90's were over. This was also around the same time that I became regularly and continually aware of current events, but I think I would have attained that awareness at an earlier age if there had been more visible strife during the 90's.

Anyway, the entire vibe of the 90's seemed to be positivity, about us being on the up and up, the economy booming, the internet being born, racism appearing (to many) to have been solved, Girl Power, Saving The Rainforests/Environment felt positive and inspirational, and so on. It really wasn't a half bad time for me to be a kid (I think this is part of why I feel a strong sense of heartbreak whenever I think of children growing up today). There were a few issues in the air that people seemed more worried about than today: crime was certainly worse, and there was a lot more concern about the youth getting into trouble, drugs and teenage pregnancy, violence in video games, etc. But all of that was definitely outweighed by an overall high level of morale in the air, a tangible sensation of positivity. And despite crime being a concern I heard expressed vocally quite often, there was a sensation of a certain level of safety and stability on a wide scale that I'm not sure any child has entirely felt in at least the past ten years.

And from my perspective, each decade since has taken this an additional step sharply downhill. Even the 00's feel in retrospect like a decade I wouldn't mind going back to, despite the Iraq War being an arguably worse travesty than anything else my country has been involved in during my lifetime. Because there was something about the 00's that still felt more unifying and optimistic than since, even with the culture wars over Iraq and religion.

But at the same, all of the above is a product of my perspective as a middle-class white American who was growing up close to a major university. I was perceiving the cultural atmosphere in one of the most privileged parts of the world and not the situation in the areas where things were, almost certainly, objectively worse than the state of those same areas today. To point at just one example, the fact that there wasn't a constant societal awareness and continual hand-wringing over (racially disproportionate) police violence is a reflection of the non-ubiquity of recording devices in people's pockets, rather than a contradiction of the fact that police violence was certainly much a worse threat back then toward those who actually lived in heavily-policed areas.

So no, the 90's wasn't actually better than now, but it sure did feel better to a lot of us.

[bullyhunter--69]

"She's so sweet, really."

Pairing: Izuku x fem!reader

Summary: When you and Izuku started dating, you were as happy as could be. He was beyond sweet and caring, and helped you forget about the bad in your life. But after he introduces you to his mother, Inko, and you start to be a more frequent visitor at the Midoriya household, you realize it's starting to take a bigger affect on you than you thought it would. Why can't your mother be like that?

Tw: mentions of family issues/absent family/family death, bottling up emotions and eventually breaking, a stressed Izuku, ends with soft fluff

A/N: This turned out so much longer and more angsty than planned but I'm really proud of it, tell me what you guys think! 🖤 (This is also my first ever angst written so--)

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Today was a beautiful fall day. Colorful leaves fell around you, the sky was tinged with a deep orange, and the soft grass beneath you made your time all the more comfy. You were snuggled next to Izuku beneath a huge tree on campus, who was currently going on and on about his latest quirk findings. The goal you guys originally had set was to review for the upcoming test, but the topic quickly shifted to Izukus day once your fingers intertwined with his and you inquired about it.

"-and so then once I asked Mr. Aizawa about it I found that- Hey.. are you okay (Y/N)?" You really were listening, but had found that you zoned out. Izukus concerned, soft voice brought you back to reality, and a small smile crawled it's way onto your features. "Yeah 'zuku, I'm all good.. I just was thinking about some stuff and was focusing on your voice. It always helps." You ended your reply with a squeeze of his hand, which all together resulted in his face blooming into a shade of deep red.

"Well, uh.. T-thank you, I'm happy to help!" He stuttered out as he felt butterflies all throughout his body. "Oh, also!" Izuku started, turning his body to face you more, holding your hands in his lap with a nervous look in his eyes. "(Y/N), I was wondering.. we've been together for a bit now and I.. I want my mom to meet you."

As soon as the word 'mom' reached your ears, you tensed up. It was always a sensitive topic, even if it wasn't your parental relationships in question. You knew Izuku had noticed, as the hold on your hands got tighter. "I understand if you're scared or nervous but I know She's gonna love you! She already says you're really pretty and smart just basing off what I've shown her.. she really is looking forward to it, and we don't have to stay long if you don't want to." The gentle rub of his thumb on the back of your hand and the puppy dog eyes was enough to soothe your nerves. If Izuku talked so highly of you to her, and if she was anything like him at all, you figured it wouldn't be that bad to meet her. She would be your mother-in-law someday, so you might as well get it out of the way now and not later.

When the day finally came, you were beyond nervous. The thought of meeting Izuku's mother and her not liking you made a wave of sickness and dread fill every inch of your body. Whether it was a friend, or a boyfriend, meeting mothers always gave you a bad taste in your mouth. It brought back all the feelings that you tried desperately to hide away and fight daily.

See, you were almost fully open with Izuku, but there was one thing he didn't know. Your family, to put it bluntly, was shit. Your mother always belittled you for every single little action you ever made and everything about you. Nothing was ever good enough. As a small child, it was always under-the-table, backhanded compliments with passive aggressive undertones, but after the passing of your father, it turned into raw, brutal words. She was never proud, and never actually loved you, she just used your desire to be a good daughter against you. It was cold, hard, manipulative behavior which resulted in you finally refusing to talk to her after you got accepted into U.A. The mental gymnastics you had to go through to hide all of this, especially from Izuku, was taking a toll on you. You never talked of family and never left the dorms, and had an.. unusual amount of luggage stored away in your room. It seemed like you packed your entire life up in a suitcase and ran.

Which is essentially what you did.

As bad as it sounds, you never planned on telling your love any of this. You just needed to forget all of the childhood trauma you were put through and focus on showing your mother she was wrong. Everything she said about your quirk being useless, to you being intolerable and a bad daughter, would be proved wrong. But, the biggest thing you planned to show her? Is that your father would be proud. She always used him against you, and you'd be damned if you wouldn't prove that point the most ridiculous of them all.

A soft knocking on your dorm brought you out of your deep thoughts, and your gaze slid to the door. Your hands shot to your face and you quickly dried your tears. "O-one second, I'm still changing!" You knew in the pit of your gut that it was Izuku coming to pick you up, and your thoughts were confirmed when you heard him on the other side of your locked door. "Alrighty baby, take your time!" God, he sounded so sweet.. this was hell keeping from him, but it kept him from worrying.

The night went on so much better than expected, and it genuinely surprised you. You had never met a woman as sweet as Inko was. She cooked your favorite food and had your favorite drinks, and even baked you your favorite dessert. She asked about how you were doing in school and once the topic of your quirk was brought up, she was beyond ecstatic to hear you talk about it. She even added on how she felt it would be useful in battle. The night was amazing. Nothing felt real, it all was like the fantasies you made up while lying in bed at 4am sobbing, so sleep deprived you almost can't move to get ready for your class that starts in just a few hours. It's what you've always wanted in a mom-- a beautiful, sweet woman who cares.

Why can't your mother be like that?

As the weeks went on and Izuku kept inviting you over for weekly dinner and game nights with him and Inko, you found it harder and harder to conceal exactly how much your mental health was struggling. Yes, you absolutely adored both your loving boyfriend and his equally loving mother, but it was just so fucking.. hard. Every smile she gave you, the loving, motherly twinkle in her eyes when she talked to Izuku, the amazing dinners, the endless support for both of you, the pictures she insisted on taking of you and Izuku-- it was all too much. You started to dwell on this every single night, and resent yourself for how much anger and jealousy you felt. This wasn't right, but you couldn't help it. It wasn't your fault that your mother hated you for every fiber of your being and Izuku had the best mother imaginable. He was your boyfriend, you should be happy.. right?

You didn't realize how hard you had been sobbing until there was a hushed yet firm knock on your dorm door. The tears that blurred your vision made it even harder to read the clock on your nightstand through the pitch black room you sat in, huddle up in a pile of blankets, All Might plushies and Izuku's hoodies.

9:54 p.m.

The pain that was radiating through your torso from the wreck you had become from however long you had actually been crying was torture. It felt like needles were being shoved into your lungs and your heart was being squeezed in a vice grip. Breathing felt impossible. Your throat was raw. But the thing that hurt the absolute worst, out of everything?

"(Y/N)? Baby, please let me in.." Little Izuku's voice sounded like the biggest bomb going off, the jiggle of your door knob making emergency alarms go off in your head. There wasn't any possible way to get out of this, and this might just be your biggest fear. Facing those soft emerald eyes and that sweet smile that has been open and honest with you over the entirety of your entire relationship, and even before. Telling the love of your life all the trauma you've endured, and then willingly decided to hide from him. No.. it's the disappointment that you're positive will shine through his features that's truly your biggest fear.

You don't know how long he had been listening, but one second was more than enough for you to know Izuku wasn't going to leave. He loved you endlessly and never left without making sure you had a smile on your face. So, with limbs that felt like cement, eyes that felt as if you were crying spikes, and an aching heart, you got up and made your way to unlock the door. It took a minute-- your hold on the cold knob firm and extremely hesitant.

3... 2.. 1.

Finally, Izuku had enough room to gently push your door open, and his breath was taken away when he saw you as the golden light from the dormitory hallway illuminated your entirely wrecked appearance.

Bloodshot eyes, make up filled tears streaming down both checks, snot dripping down to you mouth. The cuffs of his hoodie that covered your shaking body were soaked in black, wet mascara. Your hair was messy and tangled. You were.. broken.

After taking in every little detail of your appearance, a struggled gasp last your body when his arms were suddenly around you. The touch of his warmth around you was electrifying, and instantly brought you to your knees. As Izuku shut and locked the door behind him, still holding you in his strong arms, he sighed softly. "What's wrong?"

These are some of the only words that you really didn't want to come out of his mouth. They stung and tore through your heart like the sharpest of blades. They made you regret not opening up sooner, his tone overflowing with worry, fear, and dread. You knew not to make eye contact, but you couldn't even if you wanted to. Once those words entered your ears, soft and delicate as if you would shatter into a million pieces if he spoke too hard, another strangled sob was unleashed out of what felt to be your core.

"S-she's just so sweet.." Your voice, although strained and crackling, came out with an emotion Izuku had never heard from you before. A mixture of jealousy, rage, disappointment, and disgust is all he could pick out, but it sounded like something was hidden beneath it all. Something that you didn't know how to express, so emotions just came seeping out of you in the easiest way.

Picking you up was an easy task, as your body had long ago given up the fight to stay standing. The sweet boy made his way to your bed and sat with you cradled to his chest, your nose tucking away in the crook of his neck instantly to breath in his scent. It calmed you-- he calmed you, but you couldn't help but to shamefully pull your head away and look across the room.

"(Y/N), you have to tell me more. Who is 'she'? I want to help you.." His voice still held a delicate tone, his fingers combing through your hair with one hand and the other still holding you tightly. After what seemed like forever of Izuku just holding you and letting you cry every single ounce of emotion you held in your body out, your sobs slowly came to a stop and you took a soft, shaking sigh.

It was time to come clean.

"'Z-zuku, I'm sorry.." You started, slowly and steadily while trying to steady your breath further. The gentle back rubs from his warm hands helped sooth you, and gave you the strength to continue.

"I haven't been exactly.. truthful with you." As you took a second to find your words and sniffle, you could sense Izuku tilt his head to the side curiously. "You always ask if I'm okay-- if I'm happy-- and I always say that I am. I love you so incredibly much and you do make me feel happy and safe and welcomed and-" Your ramble was cut off with a kiss to your temple, which was a silent signal of Izukus trust and time.

"Because of how incredibly happy you make me, I dont want you thinking that this is your fault at all. Its mine.. I shut you out and bottled myself up when I should have just told you in the first place. I just.. don't know how to say it other than to say it outright."

Your shakey tone made Izukus heart race even more. He was staying calm and supportive on the outside but on the inside, he was a wreck. He was currently going over every single one of his actions, words, and notes that made what you and him were-- absolutely scraping the bottom of the barrel for anything and everything he could have done wrong. That stuff, though, was shoved deep so he could help you, because that was what was important right now.

"I don't.. Izuku, I love you and I love your mother so incredibly much. I feel at home with you guys but it's just so hard. Seeing how sweet and caring she is, how She's invested in both of our lives, how she.. s-she said she loved me.." You body was quickly starting to shake again, so Izuku pulled you in closer. "Why can't my mother be like that?"

There it was. It finally clicked in Izuku's mind. Everytime you avoided the topic of family, how you never had pictures with them, how you never had a place to go to during break, how every day after spending time with him and Inko you seemed drained the next morning as if you had stayed up all night.. it clicked as to what might be wrong, and his suspicions were confirmed when you continued.

"M-my mother hates me and she has my entire life. I have never received an ounce of love or respect from that filthy woman and it's always on my mind. Her degradation and her mocking laugh and her hideous presence. She used my dead fucking dad against me to make me feel like I'd never make it in this world and I just-- I-I want to escape the horrible memories but I can't. I just want a mother like yours.. it's what I've always wanted and I don't understand why I had to be the one stuck with a dead dad and a mockery of a mother. Seeing how absolutely amazing your mom is fills me with love and happiness and a sense of home I've never gotten before but at the end of the day, it just reminds me of how shitty my life was up until I got to U.A. I don't have a mom. I don't have a home. And its not fair that I'm upset over the fact that you having those things happens to remind me of that. I'm sorry."

Izuku was speechless. His comforting ministrations had stopped and he just looked at you. Even with the pitch black void that was your room, his emerald eyes shined bright.. and brimmed with tears.

"I.. I had no idea, baby, I'm so sorry.." Izuku was choosing his words incredibly carefully. He held nothing against you, nor was he upset or disappointed at you. He was a person that could put himself in someone else's shoes very easily and see through their eyes, and your emotional monologue was enough to paint your story for him. He just wanted to comfort you and show you everything was okay.

"I don't want you to be sorry, there isn't any need for you to be. You can't help what your mother put you through, and how horribly unfair to you that it was. Nobody can control how others actions affect them-- it's just how humans are.." Strong arms turned your body to face him, your limbs wrapped around his torso and your cheeks gently held in his hands. As tears streamed down his cheeks, he stared deep into your eyes. "You're so strong and beautiful, and I understand as much as I can. I love you so much.. Baby, to hell with her. I know it's hard, but she doesn't have to mean anything to you anymore. Me and you, and mom, can be our own family. We're your home now.."

A sob managed to choke it's way out of your throat, but this one was different. Your head fell into Izukus neck and you held him as tight as you possibly could, soaking his chest with more snot and tears. His arms held you back just as tightly as he peppered soft butterfly kisses along your hairline. This is how you stayed for the rest of the night until you calmed down and passed out on his firm build. Laying back softly, Izuku tucked you both in and kept his tight hold on you.

"Goodnight, love.. You're home."

[aficwhore]

Truth Is (Chapter 3)

Chapter 3: Paper Weighted Problems

Frankie “Catfish” Morales x F!reader

Summary: After the night before, tensions between Fish and Chip arise. While tearing through the jungle and Lorea’s place, Frankie and the reader fight, leading to an amazing discovery.

Word count: 3K

Warnings: explicit language, blood, violence, guns/weapons, lots of angst and emotions, infidelity?, smut, sexual innuendos, drinking, mentions of drugs, talk of death/death itself, and talk of mental health(PTSD and depression).

A/N: Sorry for the late update, Life has its ups and downs! Today we had a bad storm so I sat in my basement and wrote this. I hope you like it<3

Regret. Frankie couldn't hide the emotion from me. It was as clear as day, I wondered if the boys had noticed it. 

“Well what’s for breakfast?” I broke the awkward silence, causing everyone but Frankie to break their gazes away from me, but exchanges looks between each other. I finally looked anywhere but in Frankie’s direction.

Tom cleared his throat, “Uh nothing special, we saw that you had some frozen waffles and just made those.” He tried to lighten the mood, it was obvious, everyone knew about last night. 

“Haha, yea, what grown woman buys Eggos?” Benny attempted to joke, causing Santi and Will to stifle a laugh. 

I rolled my eyes, fighting a smile, thoughts of Frankie still clouding my mind. “For occasions just like this one! When five grown men have a slumber party in my living room.” I added, walking over to the counter and grabbing a plate full of waffles and dowsing them in syrup.

“Right, because that’s definitely what it was.” Tom chuckled, handing me a napkin.

“Exactly, I’m pretty sure I saw Pope braiding Benny Boy’s hair.” I joked biting into a chunk of food.

Ben scoffed, “It gets in my eyes!” And everyone froze, staring at him in shock. After a second of complete silence, Frankie burst into laughter, sending the rest of us into a laughing fit, except Ben. He stood there blushing, trying to act like he didn’t reveal that he braids his hair.

Will began to cough, struggling to not choke on the mouthful of food while he snickered. Pope roughly patted him on the back as our giggles died down. 

“So, does that mean you sit in the mirror and braid your own hair?” Tom questioned with a smirk on his face, wanting to bother Benny more.

“You shut up.” He jokingly spits. Tom raises his hands as a sign of defeat and continues to finish the last bites of food on his plate.

“Anyways...Other than our ‘slumber party’ I know two people that had some fun last night.” Pope spoke up, causing mine and Fish’s eyes to open wide.

“Oh yea, how could we forget? ‘Oh FrAnKiE, Oh YeS! HaRdEr!’” Benny mimicked me while thrusting his hips for dramatic affect. I could feel heat rising to my face as the boys roared with giggles again. 

“Would you cut it out?” Frankie replied, wanting to avoid this talk entirely. 

Then Pope joined in, making fun of Frankie, “’FuCk, bAbY, I wOn’T LaSt LoNg!’” I sat there, embarrassed and not knowing what to say. Normally this would be a joke, but with everything, this wasn’t a joking matter.

“I said enough!” Frankie shouted, “It shouldn’t have happened, okay?!” He expressed, shoving his chair back, getting up, and storming outside.

All the commotion died immediately. Pope and Benny opened their mouths to apologize when they turned to me, but were met with a blank stare.

Did he really mean that? After pursuing me? After trying so hard to make up, he goes and says ‘It shouldn’t have happened.’

Everyone remained quiet, continuing to stare at me in concern. After what felt like hours, Tom pushed his seat back and got up, hopefully headed to catch Frankie.

Once Tom had made it out the front door, I cleared my throat, "So, what time are we leaving?" I asked, trying to hide all the hurt and pain from my eyes.

The three remaining men all exchanged looks, "Here in 15." Santi spoke quietly, unsure of what exactly just happened.

"Sounds good!" I faked enthusiasm, stuffing my mouth with the last bite on my plate and getting up. I swiftly put my dishes in the sink and headed back to my room. I could hear the boys whispering to each other, trying to understand what the hell was going on with Frankie and I.

I closed my door behind me. I leaned against it, letting my head fall back with defeat and hit the door. Feeling my emotions topple over the brim, tears rushed to my eyes as I slid down the door and sank to the floor.

What the fuck was going on? Why was Frankie so upset with our actions. I thought finally we had made up, that he was once again MY Fish. Had he just used me last night? What changed his mind? Why was this happening all over again?

Lost in my thoughts, I hadn't realized that my sobs were now audible. I couldn't hold back the garbled gasps I let out. Tears stained my cheeks and began to soak my shirt.

Through the door I could hear the boys trying to get each other to come get me, because it was close for us to leave. Not wanting to deal with the water works anymore, I slapped my cheeks a few times, trying to smack the emotions out of my head. I wiped my tears off and quick got up to change my shirt.

After rummaging through my clothes, I found a similar shirt, threw it on and swung open the door, wanting to just head to the airport, and to get this over with.

Holding my head up high, I confidently walked back to the kitchen/living room to meet the boys. Only Benny and Will stood there waiting for me, finishing the dishes and putting them away.

"All set? I'm ready to get this over with and be rich." I attempted to joke, causing the brothers in front of me to awkwardly chuckle, their eyes full of worry.

Benny shook his head, acknowledging that I wanted to ignore the fiasco and to get on the road. He led the way out of the apartment after hanging up a dish towel and grabbing his wallet and keys off the counter.

I followed quickly behind him with Will right on my heels. When we made it to the cars, Frankie sat in the front passenger side of Santi's truck, Santi in the driver seat, and Tom between them.

"I'll drive," Will offered, making his way to his truck and getting in. Benny walked ahead of me, opened the door and waited for me to hop in, before getting in after.

No one spoke as we tailgated Santi's truck all the way to the airport. Will placed his hand on my thigh the whole time, as a way to console me. Benny had his arm around me, slightly pulling me into his side. With them, I felt much better, they were my best friends and knew exactly how to comfort me.

When we found a good parking space, we all hopped out, and grabbed our things from the bed of the trucks. It was still awkwardly silent between everyone.

As we checked into our flights and went through TSA, Benny tried to lighten the mood by saying he needed a snack, even though we had just ate. We all giggled when Will called him a 'garbage disposal.'

Sitting at our flight gate was almost unbearable, realizing this mission would be very difficult, now with the added tension.

When we boarded the plane, Will and Santi sat with me, of course I was in the middle. Tom, Benny, and Frankie sat in the seats next to us. During the first hour I attempted to read a book, but quickly got bored as I felt Pope fall asleep and rest his head against my shoulder. Will sat with his eyes closed and headphones in.

I glanced over Pope's sleeping frame to find the others. Benny was leaned forward, head down and snoring on the tray he had propped up. Tom was slouched in his chair, his head lulling back and forth with sleep consuming him. And Frankie, who was also reading, looked up and met my eyes.

I ignored the gaze he gave me and turned my attention back to my book. Moments later I felt my phone buzz with a text. I sat my book down and pulled out my phone, reading the message;

Fishie: "I'm sorry..."

I rolled my eyes, was he really apologizing for his blowout, over a text?

Locking my phone, I put it face down into my lap, leaving the message unanswered. I continued my page in my book, only getting past a few sentences before my phone vibrated again. I acted as if I didn't feel it and remained reading. Only for it to ping again.

Frustratedly, I opened my phone again, seeing two additional texts;

Fishie: "Really?"

Fishie: "I meant what I said. I am sorry, but last night... was a mistake."

Heat began to rise to my cheeks, I forcefully typed back;

Me: "Wow, you are unbelievable."

I heard him shuffle and type back quickly;

Fishie: "Because I apologized? It's true, I'm only helping us both here. Yea it was my fault, but I shouldn't have gone to your room."

Me: "You took advantage of my feelings. You acted like we can just ignore this, I can't help but feel you led me on."

Fishie: "Led you on?! How? WE both decided to sleep together, thats it. I didn't LEAD you to do anything."

Me: "You're a real fucking piece of work."

Fishie: "Oh really?"

Me: "Yea, fuck you."

Fishie: "God you are the most stubborn and hard headed person I've ever met. Can't you see that this was a damn mistake?"

Me: "Screw you, oh wait, I did, but look where that got me. I don't even know why you're trying to apologize, because somehow you keep shifting the blame to me."

As I hit send and shoved my phone between my legs and put my book away, I heard Frankie huff with anger. Awaiting a reply I closed my eyes and leaned against Will, using his arm as a pillow.

But for a while, nothing came, and I slowly began to drift into unconsciousness.

My sleep had been interrupted by the plane shaking and a loud thump. I opened my eyes abruptly, and slightly frightened. I faced Will, to glance out the window and found that we had finally landed in Colombia.

We all silently gathered our things and slowly made our departure from the plane and airport. Once we trudged through the doors, we made it into the humid climate, the wet air immediately dampening our skin and clothes.

"Damn, this is gonna be fun." Benny chirped as we all huddled into the jeep Santi had prepared for us. Santi hopped upfront, and so did Tom, leaving four of us to try and fit in the backseat.

"Pope, there six of us, there's no way we'll fit AND have room for the bags." I spoke up, watching as Will, Benny, and Frankie smushed into the seats together.

"I know, I promise I'm more prepared than that," he laughed. "We only have to ride like this for a few miles, then we're on foot, and they'll have cargo vans there." He explained, turning on the engine and motioning for me to somehow get in.

"You can sit on my lap, I'll hold you down during Pope's insane driving." Benny laughed from between Will and Fish. I climbed over Will, careful not to hurt him, and landed in Ben's lap when he yanked the arm I used to brace my weight.

I twisted in his lap to sit comfortably, hoping I'd fit and we could just hurry up and get this over with. Benny wrapped his arms around my waist as Santi sped off and made way to a long and bumpy road.

We hit quite a few bumps and potholes, causing me to shift and bounce in Benny's lap. I tried to lean forward and hang in-between the two front seats, to help alleviate the rough contact between us.

"Damn it Chip, quit wiggling." Benny grunted from behind me.

"I can't control that, Pope is hitting every possible bump on the road." I squeaked as we hit a particularly hard one. I landed back into his lap and felt something. "Ouch, what the hell is in your pocket."

Will snorted and faced the window to hide his face as Benny gulped loudly. "I-I can't help it, you keep moving!" I froze, wanting to still believe it was something in his pocket.

"C'mon man, can't you control yourself?" Frankie angrily spoke up.

I pulled my back from Benny and sat as far forward on his legs as I could, turning to look at Frankie. "What? How is it-" I countered, my voice dying in my throat.

"Fish, you know how it works, it's not like I'm doing this on purpose." Benny awkwardly explained.

Frankie huffed and shook his head. "Whatever." he muttered.

"Looks like someone is jealous." Santi quietly joked.

"I am not jealous! We-we are on a damn mission! That should be the last thing from anyones mind, we need to focus on not dying and getting the fucking money." Frankie snapped, filling the jeep with his booming voice.

All noise ceased, the only sound was the creaking of the car as we rolled off the main road into a trail. The tension was at an all time high, it was engulfing and in a way, suffocating.

After some time, we stopped, Santi throwing the car in park and quickly turning to us. "My informant said that the mansion should be vacant, but we only have about 15 minutes, so we get in and get out, with as much as we can carry, but we can't take too much time." We all nodded. "When I get the signal, we're coming in hot and getting right to it. Get out and suit up." He turned back around and hopped out.

We followed behind, pulling out our bags and pulling on our gear. Not much else was said, due to the shit that was about to go down, even though it would be empty, you never know what could happen.

"Alright, obviously with everything, we no longer fit, I'll ride the side." I spoke, waiting for Will to get in and shut the door.

"Me too, easier that way." Frankie offered, shutting his door after Benny jumped in.

Will shut his door and I placed my foot on the step bar, hauling myself up to grab the rack on top for support, hanging on tight as Frankie did the same. "All good?" Pope asked through the window.

"Game time bitches." I quirked, slapping my free hand on the top of the Jeep. As we waited for the signal, I took in my surroundings, lush, thick forest all the way around, If Pope doesn't know where to go, we'd definitely get lost.

As I admired the greenery, I turned to look over the roof of the car, meeting Frankie's eyes for what seemed like the millionth time since we've reunited.

He sheepishly looked away and down at the ground, his knuckles which wrapped around the frame of the rack, tightened and turned white.

A garbled and staticky noise came from the cab of the vehicle, causing Pope to slam the gear shift into drive and yell "Hold on tight!" He lurked the jeep forward, stepping up the speed.

I held on tighter, pulling my body as flush as I could to the side of the Jeep, to avoid hitting the branches and brush that littered the sides of the overgrown trial.

After a long blur of green, the forest broke into a path, leading to a small mansion. Just as fast as we drove, we stopped. I jumped off and quickly swung the door open for Will, stepping back and pulling my gun from my side.

Without any words, we all strategically filed into the house, making sure to take cover and search the premise, eliminating any threats. The first floor had been barren, as for people, though it was filled with expensive artwork and furniture.

Once we all searched and met at the staircase, Pope nodded at me, signaling for me to take the lead upstairs and sweep the area. I quickly glided up the stairs and took cover near the first door, getting ready to burst in the room and check. To my luck, when I leaped into the room, it was empty. I glanced behind the door, and walked further into the office, keeping my gun at attention.

I could hear the boys doing the same, in the last four rooms. I observed the room, a big desk sat in the middle, a fancy chair accompanied it, the walls were decorated with paintings and portraits. The was a door in the corner, which I strode over to, swinging it open, full force. An alarmed Fish sat on the other side, the door led to the next room. I quickly pointed my gun at the ground and rolled my eyes, turning to examine the room again.

"Clear!" I yelled, letting the team know our section was safe.

Frankie walked through the door and up to me, as I sifted through the desk. "Hey I just wanted to talk real quick."

"Really? Now is not the time, look for the money." I spat back at him. "Any luck?!" I yelled hoping someone found something.

A faint voice answered, "No! I swear, she said there was money here!" Pope echoed.

Getting antsy, I shoved the desk, causing it to fall over, Frankie stepped back, "Listen, I didn't mean to make things worse, okay? Trust me I wanted nothing more than to be with you again."

I paused my movements, holding a paperweight in my hand, "No Frankie, you've done enough, either you want me or don't." I spoke harshly.

"Damn it Chip, just listen!" He raised his voice.

"No! I'm not doing this again, get your shit together and fucking look for something!" I yelled, bending down to put the weight down. He leaned forward and grabbed my arm. "Fuck you!" I yanked away, causing the paper weight to leave my hand and barrel into the wall.

The wall cracked, a hole forming as the weight bounced off and fell to the ground. "Look at what you did!" Frankie gasped with frustration.

I whipped around, walking to the wall, grabbing the paperweight. As I stood, I stopped halfway up when I was met with the hole. But it wasn't just an empty wall or beam behind it. There were plastic packages sticking out, which is very unusual for houses. Frankie began to murmur again.

"Shh! Shut Up!" I shushed him, reaching into the hole and tugging at the bag.

"You never let me talk-" Frankie continued.

"Frankie shut the fuck up! Look!" I screamed when the bag came out of the wall and into my hands. I Twisted on my heel and showed him the bag, which contained a huge stack of One-hundred dollar bills.

"Holy Fuck." Frankie gulped, making eye contact with me.

TAGLIST @tanyaherondale @winter-fox-queen @supernaturalgirl @actual-spawn-of-satan @hnt-escape @toomanystoriessolittletime @shadowolf993 @goldielocks2004

*if your user has a strike through, it wouldn’t let me tag you*

[pink-peony-princess]

Matters of the Heart

"Why?"  I groaned rolling over throwing a pillow across the room at my alarm clock.  It was 5:30 in the morning and I was not in the mood to get up.  Not only was it Friday, which meant it was the end of the week and I was exhausted, but I had a massive English final and to top it all off I was feeling pretty crappy. As I sat up, rubbing at my tired eyes I couldn't help but notice the aching of my limbs, my scratchy throat and my stuffed up nose.

I knew I needed to get up though,so I reluctantly left the warmth of my bed and trudged down stairs,  finding that I was the first one awake.

For a few minutes the house was silent,and I relished it,knowing that by the end of the day I was going to have a pounding headache. It was at that moment when I started mentally kicking myself for fighting with my big brother Shawn when he had suggested getting a flu shot a month earlier. He wasn't happy, and it took a fair but of convincing,but eventually he let it slide. I hated needles, and he knew that.

"You look like you're about to fall over Aimee," Shawn appeared suddenly, laughing when I jumped slightly in fright, coming over to where I was leaning against the counter.

I looked up and smiled half-heartedlly.

"I feel like it!" I groaned.

"Hug?" he asked opening his arms for me to step into. Ever since I could remember we had always shared a hug first thing in the morning.

It was a ritual,  and just because I was now seventeen and a senior in high school didn't mean that I didn't love it.

"Aimmee, you feel warm," he spoke, resting his hand on my forehead as I leant into him "Why don't you stay home today Sweet Pea?" he asked as I waited,  snuggled in his arms for my coffee to finish brewing,sniffling every so often.

"Can't," I sighed,  " I've got a massive test first period for English," I told him before swotting his hand away.

"Well at least make sure you take some Tylenol,  and have plenty of water," He told me, as I grabbed my coffee,  ready to leave the house.

"Shawn,I'm not a baby!" I huffed,rolling my eyes.  I hated it when he went all over protective on me,  especially when it came to my health.  Of course it was just my luck that he and our other three housemates and his best friends,Brian, Dave and Connor were all well respected doctors at the local hospital's Emergency Department.

He hummed in response, clearly not impressed with my answer, but didn't push it. Normally he would've put his foot down and told me point blank I wasn't going. I knew I still had a ways to go though as I still had to get past the others. 

I considered them to be brothers to me, just the same as Shawn, so I was very close with all of them. Consequently they were all extremely protective of me,  something which I hated, as I really wasn't too fond of anything medical. I'd had a couple of bad experiences when I was younger that had put me off hospitals.

"Brian and Dave just left, and Connor's on call," Shawn told me as I grabbed my house keys. "I'll be home tonight. Bri and D will be home by lunch, so call one of them if you need to come home early. " He kissed my head before opening the door for me,  and telling me to 'have a good day'.

Several hours later, and the day was turning out to be worse than expected. I had just come out of second period, and my head was throbbing, my throat aching as the pain killers I had taken earlier had long since left my system.To out it simply I was feeling like the walking dead.

"I love you babe,  but you really are looking a bit rough hon." My best friend Emma spoke as she came to meet me outside the classroom.

"Let's just go sit down, " I begged as the halls started to fill. We walked in silence, not saying much, but as we were making our way through the doors to the lunch room I suddenly became very light- headed.  White spots obscured my vision as I made a grab for the closest object, the side of the door.

"Are you okay Aimee?" Emma asked, coming to a stop behind me.  Do you need me to call Shawn?"  She asked as I tried to keep myself upright.

"He's at work call Brian or Dave please." I managed to get out, between sharp breaths, as she led me to a lunch table. As soon as she had me seated and stable she pulled out my phone from my bag and called. I could hear talking, but was too focused on not passing out, or throwing up to actually pay attention.

"Dave said he's on his way right now," she spoke making me sigh in relief. At least now I knew that if I fainted I would be in the presence of a doctor or doctors given that Brian was home now too.

"We may as well go up to the office, " she suggested taking my bag from me, and giving me a sympathetic smile. We trudged slowly up to the office building, and once I was there the school nurse made her leave, taking me to her office where I lay on the cot in silence, trying to will away the dizzyness that was now causing the room to spin even more. 

I felt like I was on one of those spinny rides they have at amusement parks.

I wasn't really paying attention to the time or my surroundings so it startled me slightly when I heard the nurse's voice and realised that she was no longer in the room with me.

"She's in here. She drifted off about ten minutes ago, the poor darling," she tutted as the door opened. Dave stepped into the room, dressed in scrubs, his ID badge identifying him as a doctor at the hospital still attached to his pocket. Clearly he had just come from work.

"I'm sorry I made you leave early," I apologised,  coughing.

"Aimee, don't be ridiculous, you know the guys and I would drop anything any time you need us honey." I knew it was true. They had lived together since their intern year, and when I moved in I basically gained three other family members.  It wasn't much of an adjustment though as I already saw them as older brothers, so I knew he meant what he was saying.

"So you're not feeling too good ha? " he asked, coming over to the cot, and giving me yet another sympathetic smile.

"You could say that," I laughed at the gross understatement before, letting out a few harsh coughs, making Dave's brow furrow.

He took my hand, and pulled me into a sitting position slowly.

"I feel dizzy," I mumbled, holding his hand more tightly.

" You're okay, it's probably just your Eustachian Tubes. If they get blocked, it messes with your balance, and can make you feel dizzy," he explained calmly as he waited for me to get my bearings. Once I felt normal enough to stand,Dave took my bag,  and led me out to his car, keeping a supportive hand on my lower back the entire time.

"How long have you felt sick?" he asked switching into doctor mode almost immediately as soon as we stepped out of the office. "Aimmee?" he asked again as we got strapped in.  It was only then that I realised I hadn't answered his question.

"Since last night," I admitted,  leaning my head on the window.

"You really should have gotten the flu shot," he spoke a few minutes later.

" D, don't lecture me,  you know I hate needles!" I grumbled, turning to glare at him.

"I'm just saying." He held his hands up in defense.

"Well just don't say!" I snapped back.  "Sorry, " I added when I saw the look of shock. " I get mean when I'm tired."

He smiled, nodding in response, but didn't say anything, instead turning the car on and heading for home. Something which I was greatful for as I wasn't in the mood to talk.

The next thing I was aware of was my door opening slowly and Dave rubbing my arm gently.

"Aimmee, we're home honey," he spoke as I squinted, readjusting to the light. He was patient as I got out of the car, and made my way inside, helping me into the warm house and straight upstairs to my room.

"Take this," he spoke, handing me some decongestant for my cough and some aspirin for my headache. 

I made my way slowly over to the bed once I had taken the given medication, curling up as Brian walked in with a soft smile, still dressed in his scrubs, stethoscope round his neck. "Hi sweetheart, I just want to take your temperature." he told me  coming over to the bed, with a thermometer in hand, sitting beside me.

"I'm going to turn the heating up,  and get a few more blankets," Dave told us before leaving the room.

"Sit up for my Aimee," Brian spoke, pulling the covers back.

"No," I whined, rolling over to try to avoid it.

"Come on Aimee, it'll only take a minute," he promised as Dave returned and came over, helping to roll me over. True to his word it was only a minute later that the machine beeped and I heard them both hum.

"You got yourself a substantial fever hon. I want you to get into a singlet. You can have a thin blanket if you're feeling cold, but the more we reduce the outside heat sources the better."

"You shouldn't be having to look after me," I huffed as I got out of bed in order to remove my excess clothing. "You haven't even removed your stethoscope or the gel from your hair, " I pointed to the way his hair was still spiked back with gel,  knowing that when Brian got home, removing  it was always the first thing he did, kind of like washing the day away.

"How about you let me worry about that hey?" he suggested, before laughing as I nearly fell, trying to remove my school pants, leaving me in just bike shorts and a crop top. Once I was changed he got me situated, propping up pillows to help with my cough.

"Thanks," I mumbled. "Hey where'd Dave go? " I asked noticing for the first time that he wasn't in the room anymore. 

"He had some paper work to catch up on," This wasn't unusual as Dave was the Head of the Emergency Department, with Shawn, Connor and Brian working as his deputys, helping to lead the charge as the hospital is one of the biggest in the country,getting code blacks several times a month.  

"As do I, so get some sleep. Just shout if you need anything, I'll be in the lounge drowning in paper work." He smiled as he pulled the quilt up around me and walked out the door.

I woke to whispers a while later, not knowing where I was, or what time it was for a few moments.  When I felt the gentle touch of a hand on my forehead,  and then my wrist,  I came back to reality.

"She's still too warm," someone whispered.

"Aimmee?" I recognized the voice as Brian. Slowly I managed to open my eyes, squinting, and letting out a small moan at the instant headache the newfound light was giving me.

"How you feeling hon?" he asked, sitting on the bed, and rubbing my arms gently. He had changed into sweat pants and an old teeshirt since the last time I was awake, his hair now flopping over the right side of his face.

"Cold, sore, tired...," I listed off, trying to fight the urge to cough again. I just wanted to roll over and curl back up.

"How 'bout you come down stairs and have something light to eat, get some fluids into you,  and I'll heat up a hot water bottle for you?" he suggested, standing up from the bed.

I really didn't want to, but I knew I really didn't have a choice, and that no matter what I said, he would make me.

"Fine," I sighed, slowly sitting up, and following him and Dave at a snail's pace down the stairs.

"Why'd you go to school?" he asked as I got settled on the couch.

"Had a test I couldn't miss," I answered between another set of bone rattling coughs.

"That doesn't sound good." He folded his arms and eyed me carefully.

"Yeah well, it doesn't feel too good either."

"Will you let one of us listen to your chest?" he asked, probably already knowing the answer.

I shook my head. He left it at that, and went to get some food for me, also heating up the hot water bottle as promised. When he returned he made me eat a piece of toast and have some honey lemon tea to help soothe my sore throat, before finally letting me go back to sleep. That was where I was when my brother stepped into the house, I don't know how many hours later.

"How are you feeling?" Shawn came to sit on the couch with me, still dressed in his scrubs.

"Pretty crappy." I sniffed leaning into his side, and relishing the warmth.

" Brian,when was the last time she had medicine?"  he asked, pressing his palm to my to head.

Brian poked his head into the room from the kitchen. Probably having been preparing dinner, as they all took turns usually.

"About five."

"So about an hour ago," Dave surmised, coming over to sit on the other side of me,and looking at his watch.

"You're still feeling warm Princess, I'm going to go get some wet washers. You're having the flu shot next year Princess." he called as he left the room.

"But Shawn!" I whined, he knew how much I hated needles.

No,we are not having a repeat of this. Wouldn't you rather avoid this if you can?"

"You don't even know it's what it is. How long does it last though?"

" Seven to ten days, give or take. That's if it is the flu though," he qualified from the other room.

"I am sick of feeling sick," I grumbled as I chucked yet another batch of tissues into the bin that Brian had left beside the couch for me.

"Well maybe you'll think about that next time I say it's time to get your flu shot," he sassed, coming back into the room with several cold washers. I couldn't help but roll my eyes, he always had to be right!

"I saw that!" Dave laughed, poking my side and winking.

"Saw what?" Shawn asked, looking between the two of us.

"Nothing," I answered with a smile, trying to convey my innocence. " But seriously Shawnie, I know being a doctor is practically in your DNA,  but could like not use this moment to do a 'I told you so. '," I huffed, throwing my weight to the back of the couch again.

He and Dave just laughed, before they worked together, placing the clothes around my body- under my arms, on my forehead, even my feet.

"You know if you let one of us take a look at you,  then we might actually be able to help you," Connor spoke from the door, arms crossed,  it was the first time I'd seen him all day. He looked tired, but somehow there was still a teasing glint in his eyes.

"No," I answered immediately, shivering at the thought.

He sighed coming to sit on the edge of the couch.

"We're not going to do anything to hurt you honey,  but you've been sick for over 24 hours now, and nothing is changing."

"Not all doctors are nasty, cold people like your previous one," Shawn added with a gentle smile,  reaching to take my hand in his. "Besides, I'm your brother and I wouldn't let anyone hurt you, we all took an oath not to do harm."

At least let us check your temperature again and eat something."

I looked down ringing my fingers before looking back at them all.

"Okay, but can we watch a movie after?"

...

It was now several hours later,and the movie (Monsters, INC.) had finished, and we were all in bed, but I lay awake tossing and turning, unable to find a comfortable spot. I could feel that my fever had gotten worse, I was sweating, but freezing, I had aches and pains, and my whole body felt like lead. On top of that I now had a weird stabbing pain in my chest that was getting worse, and it was freaking me out. At first I thought it was just from all the coughing, but when it wasnt getting better after a solid half an hour of trying to ignore it, I knew something was wrong.

I got up slowly, and made my way down the hall to my brother's room, opening the door, seeing him splayed out on the bed, shirtless and snoring.

"Shawn?" I whispered, hoping to wake him, but it didn't do anything.  "Shawn?" I tried again, this time shaking his arm a little bit, still nothing. Finally I was about to give up when I heard a voice from outside.

"Aimee?" Connor asked, stepping into the doorway, his face illuminated by moonlight flooding through the window.

"Con," I sighed relieved.

"What's wrong? " he asked as I came to stand next to him, him pulling me into a hug.

"My heart hurts," I hicupped into his chest.  "My heart hurts," I repeated.

"Okay,calm down," he soothed, rubbing my back, and starting to lead me back downstairs, but not before shaking Shawn awake, and telling him to wake the others, all of which came into the lounge room minutes later, rubbing tiredly at their eyes.

"Now what sort of pain is it?" Connor asked,sitting next to me, and taking my pulse, as the others watched.

"It feels like I'm being stabbed here, " I told him holding my hand over my chest. Their brows furrowed.

"Does it hurt more when you're lying down or sitting? " Dave asked, coming over to me.

"Standing and lying down," I answered.

"How long has it been hurting?" Brian asked, feeling my forehead once again for the fever. "Her fever has spiked," he muttered, "Right I need to listen to your chest for a minute Poppet," Dave spoke standing and running to his room.

We sat quietly as we waited for Dave, me trying to get a hold of my emotions, as Connor sat beside me, rubbing calming circles on my back.

"I  don't like this," I mumbled leaning into Shawn's side so that my face was in his neck, my voice muffled.

"You're doing great though Princess."

"But what if it's something bad?" I whispered, looking up at my brother.

"Aimee, I can't promise you anything right now, but I do know that you have four people here with you that are going to look after you. Right now, your only job is to let us do our jobs okay?" he smiled pulling me into him more tightly.

"You alright Princess?" Dave asked kneeling down beside the couch.

"No," I whispered the tears coming back as he went to place the stethoscope to my chest.

He sighed before dropping his arms and looking at me. "What are you scared of Sweetheart?" He didn't look angry, merely concerned so I told the truth.

"I don't like hospitals, or doctors," I admitted feeling stupid.

"Look Princess, I know you haven't had the best experiences with them in the past, but right now we really need to figure out what's going on. Try to remember that it's just me okay, just D, one of you're annoying big brothers. Don't think of it negatively, just think of it as we're trying to make you feel better," he suggested.

"Can you explain everything?" I asked, my voice breaking a bit.

"Of course,everything will be at your pace, okay?"

I nodded, showing him that I understood. " Is it okay, if I lift this up, so I can listen to your heart and lungs?" he asked tugging at my sweater lightly. I nodded again, holding Shawn's hand just a little bit more tightly.

"Just think, you're really quite lucky, it's not everyday that you get the Head of the Emergency Department doing a personal consult for you," Shawn said.

"That is true." I smiled despite everything.

"I know I'm the best," Dave laughed, as he stood up to listen to my lungs.  "Deep breath in for me." I did as asked, waiting impatiently for it all to be over.

"There's definitely some crackling, especially on the left side of the lungs, and I'd like to double check, but it sounds to me like there's some inflammation around the heart," he spoke, allowing me to lean back.

"What, what does that mean? " I asked, my heart rate spiking again.

"If I'm right it means that the virus has effected the layers of your heart. Basically the tissue has gotten inflammed and is rubbing together. That's what is causing the pain."

"Is it dangerous?" I panicked feeling the blood drop from my face.

Connor looked at me before answering carefully. "It can be, but chances are that it's viral Pericarditis,  so it should resolve within a few days with minimal intervention." he explained gently.

"Per, whaty-what?" I asked, feeling more confused than ever.

"Pericarditis,  it's the medical name, " Brian explained, all of them them laughing at my sheer confusion.

"So what now?"

"Well as Dave said we need to check- get some x- rays to confirm, and while we're there we'll investigate everything else that's going on.  It's almost certain you've got the flu, and that's what has caused it, so we   need to get that sorted for everything else to get better," Shawn explained.

I groaned, letting my head drop into his lap,  unfortunately this created the urge to cough, and with every cough that I let out, the burning,  stabbing pain only intensified.

"We really need to get you to the hospital," Shawn urged seeing my discomfort, before bending down and picking me up, cradling me in his arms.

The other dashing upstairs to get into clothes other than pyjamas, and grab their badges. None of them seemed to care that they weren't in scrubs, and when I asked Shawn if it mattered he responded with "As long as we have our badges with us,  it's okay. It's not mandatory to wear uniforms."

Once they were ready, they bundled me up in blankets, Shawn insisting that they protect me from the cold winter air, even for the short walk from the house to the car. I tried to be helpful, and support some of my weight as Shawn carried me to the vehicle, but I just didn't have any energy,  and every time I moved, it hurt. Eventually I gave up, having tried to shuffle into my seat, twisting the wrong way and sending a shot of pain straight through my chest.

"Just let us do the work," Dave stopped me as I tried again,holding my arms, and bringing me to a holt, and so from that point on I was something of a jelly fish. Except for the shaking, I could barely stay still the whole drive, my legs trembling of their own accord, no matter how hard I tried to stop them.

"You'll be alright, " Connor commented,  giving me a much needed hug as he helped me out of the car 20 minutes later.

By now I was feeling straight up petrified, and the worst part about it was, all four of the guys knew it. And there was absolutely nothing I could do.

"Come on," Shawn whispered, leading me slowly towards the hospital entrance.

Inside, they led me straight past the admissions desk, briefly filling one of the nurses in as we made our way into the room, Shawn helping me gently onto the single bed.

"Not anyone I don't know," I begged, holding onto Shawn, as the others moved around the room,  collecting things and setting up equipment. I tried not to pay attention as I could already feel the anxious knots forming.

"You know we're not meant to be treating you Princess, at least not here, we're family," he responded, kissing my hand, while grabbing a gown from a draw and passing it to me, turning around so I could get changed,the others not paying attention.

"Actually Shawn," Dave spoke once I was dressed in the hideous cloth, "The pit is in overdrive, I had five new admissions just in the last half hour of my shift, and the other doctors are overloaded, I really don't think anyone will mind, and if they do they can take it up with me as the Head of the Department. She needs to be seen to, especially if our suspicions are right, " Dave interrupted, patting my arm gently.

"Aimee?" Brian called, getting my attention. "We'll take this really slowly hon, but we need to hook you up to a couple of things, okay?" I nodded, managing a smile as they went about starting to attach everything.  A blood pressure and heart rate monitor, which I knew, a mask,  which Shawn was quick to explain that I needed as I tried to remove it. "Leave it there baby, you could really do with the extra oxygen at the moment. You're heart is racing, and your blood pressure is also a little higher than it should be. Heart rate 120, BP 130/90," he called to the others as he watched the monitors that were now displaying my vitals. 

"That's a little higher than it should be Aimee, just try to relax, I know it's scary, and I know that all the lights, and the noises won't be helping,  but I promise you, you're in the best place right now, " Connor promised, coming over, and warming his stethoscope up in his hands before placing it against my chest.

The machines attached to me started beeping, as my heart rate picked up again, only making me feel more anxious and agitated.The guys seemed unfazed though, Brian quickly shutting them off with no trouble. " It's just an alert to tell us that you're vitals are higher than they should be," he explained when he noticed me watching his every move.

"Aimee?" Connor called, resting his hand under my chin, and turning my head gently so that my focus was on him again. "Ignore all that sweetheart,the guys will sort that out okay, all I need you to do is focus on Luke and I okay?" he smiled when I nodded, before helping me to sit up. "Breathe in for me Aimee, and out, and again," he spoke as I took shaky breathes, holding Shawn's hand in a death grip.

"There's definitely some wheezing there.  I'd like to get a chest x-ray, and start you on fluids," he told me as he moved the stethoscope away, and allowed me to lay back again. "I'll order the x- ray now, you should be able to have it done in the next half an hour," he added as he went to the computer in the corner of the room, and pressed a few buttons.  "Done, they'll page us when they're ready for you," he smiled.

"Right, is it okay if I have your left hand Princess?" Dave asked stepping up to the side of the bed. I only realised what he was dining when I  saw the tray that he had placed down next to my side.

"No," I cried, panicked, realising that it was a needle, and other equipment, necessary for an I.V. "Can't you just give me something to make me better?" I asked desperately wanting to avoid an needles at all costs.

He sighed, taking in my stressed appearance." Three days ago an anti- viral may have worked, but somebody decided to be a difficult patient," Shawn looked at me pointedly as we all laughed."but now," he continued "not so much. Even with the anti-viral your body would have struggled.  So now that the virus has taken hold your body really needs the extra help. Fluids included, " he explained, as Dave picked up the wipe from the metal bowl, wiping my hand down. I couldn't help the shudder that ran through my body, I had always hated the smell of hospital disinfect, and the sterilization wipes were no better.

"Sorry, he murdered as he finished, and chucked the wipe into the bin next to the bed. " Ready?" he asked, looking to me as he positioned my hand and opened the packet housing the needle.

" Do I really have to?" I asked, looking up at my brother, hoping he would help me out. Instead, he rubbed my back before agreeing with Dave.

"Sweetheart, you're in pain baby, this will help with it okay. It'll give you some relief,listen to me. Take a breath, listen to my voice.  'll sit up here and hold you. It'll be over in a second and then that's the worst over. Okay. Dave's a pro," he insisted,  gesturing for me to move over so he could hop up onto the bed. He smiled encouraging allowing me to snuggle in.

"Don't cry Princess, " Dave murmured,wiping softly at my face with a tissue to dry the tears that were now falling. "On three, " he warned, causing me to bury my head in Shawn's neck. "One, two, three," I felt the pinch, of it breaking my skin, but it was nowhere near what I had been expecting, and I found myself looking up in surprise.

"Not so bad right," Shawn laughed.

"The expectations are always worse than the reality," Dave added, as he attached the tubing,  and removed the tray from the bed. "You're all set little one, " he told me as he finished hookingme up to the fluids, and pain relief, before kissing my head.

For the next half an hour we sat in relative silence,  all exhausted given that it was still so early. Finally Connor got the call to say that they were ready for me at radiology, Dave offered to take me so the others could get food, and Shawn could sort my admission papers. At first I wasn't too happy at the idea, but when Dave promised that he wouldn't leave my side I relaxed, and let him transfer me to a wheel chair, leading me down the maze of corridors.

"D," I asked as we came to a stop outside a lift.

"Yes? " he asked, bending down so that he could hear me more easily.

"Why do Cheetahs have spots?"

He didn't answer me for a minute, but then he started laughing, "Oh my goodness, I think the pain relief is starting to take effect."

" I feel fine now." I shrugged as the doors opened and he wheeled me in, still chuckling.

"I bet you do Princess, I bet you do."

The x- rays were quick and easy, only taking about ten minutes, after which Dave took me straight back up to the room.

"Someone's pain meds have taken affect!" he announced as he stopped just inside the door, and helped me to my bed.

Brian looked up from where he was sitting on the small chair in the corner doing paperwork and smiled. " I can see that, her eyes are huge, how much did you give her?" he laughed, standing up,  and coming over to the side of the bed.

"What do you mean? " I asked as Brian pulled a light from his pocket.

"You're pupils, they're extremely dilated. "

"What are you doing?" Shawn asked as he and Connor walked in.

"She's high on pain meds," Dave explained with a chuckle. "We may as well do the exam now, while you're not in too much discomfort."

"Okay," Weirdly I didn't feel as nervous as I did before.

"Wow, those meds got you good baby, this is the most relaxed you've been in a medical setting,  ever!" Shawn laughed taking my hand as he stopped next to me. " I didn't know pain meds effected you like this."

"Alright " Dave tapped my leg bringing my attention back.  "I just want to check your heart and lungs first little lady, can you lean forward?" I nodded allowing him to do what he had to do. 

"There is some slight wheezing,  but other than that and the inflammation everything sounds perfect. " he smiled. "Your heart rate has come down too," he noted looking to the monitor.  "That's good! So what else besides your fever, and the chest pain are you feeling?"

"What?"

"What other symptoms do you have? " Connor clarified, standing next to Dave.

"Cough, runny nose, sore throat, chills, head aches, fatigue." I listed, laughing slightly when the guys mouths dropped a bit in shock.

"Why didn't you just let us help you?" Shawn asked, clearly exasperated.

I shrugged, "I don't know, I guess, I'd rather just deal with it on my own. Or that's what I did think until it started hurting," I whined,  "It feels like someone's stabbing me!"

"Let me have a look at your ears, nose and throat okay Princess," Dave spoke, ignoring the last bit of what I said. I was glad though because I just wanted to feel better. And the sooner he figured out what was wrong, the sooner he could make that happen.

"Well it's official Princess, you've got yourself a nasty case of the flu," he announced with what I thought was a rather unnecessary smile as he finished looking at my throat. "It's one of the worst ones I've seen in a while, I don't know how you're breathing through your nose, at all, or eating for that matter. Your throat is red."

"Yeah well, I'm not feeling that great right now,  trust me," I grumbled. "I just wish my chest would stop hurting.  "It stopped, and then it started again. "

"Radiology just sent through your scans, it's definitely pericarditis," Brian replied from the corner, causing me to groan.

"This sucks!" I whined, flopping back against the bed, "and it hurts."

"I know baby," Shawn spoke, clearly sympathetic.

"I'll put some more pain meds in your I.V okay,  it should help,  mbut really all we can do is relieve the pain, and keep you on bed rest until the virus runs it's course," he spoke gently as he readjusted the blankets for me, and put some more stuff in my I.V. "That should take too long to work. "

"Hop back in with me, I'm cold," I whined, pulling his arm so that he moved closer to the bed. I felt like all I was doing was whining,  but I just felt crappy.

"That'll be the fever, " Brian nodded. "You've had stuff for it though, so we just need to let it do it's thing. Provided it doesn't get too high, it actually helps your body get rid of the virus. "

"The beds barely big enough for one," Shawn laughed, still focused on me.

"I don't care," I whined continuing to pull at his arm.

"Fine,"  he sighed, hoping in next to me, and allowing me to curl up once more.

"So what have you learned from this whole thing?"  Shawn asked smirking from beside me as I struggled to keep my eyes open half an hour later.

I glared at him, causing all of them to laugh, "Go on, what have you learned?" he asked tickling my side.

" I don't know if I can say it, it hurts too much," I laughed, going along with the joke. He pouted.

"Hey no fair!" I argued, he knew that I couldn't resist it when he pouted, it had been that way since we were kids. "Fine, I should have listened to you, cause you know best," I grumbled, holding my chest as if I was wounded.

"Was that really so hard?" Connor laughed watching from where he was packing up excess wiring,  placing them back into their relevant draws.

"Yes, it was incredibly painful," I sassed back.

"Truth hurts princess!" Shawn laughed, pulling me into a hug.

"That it does," I agreed, resting my head on his shoulder again  and closing my eyes. Never again would I be so stubborn. But there was no need for them to know that, not yet anyway.

[one-abuse-survivor]

hi, it's the milky way again

it's been a while since i've dropped something in your mailbox

i've now finished the school year and the grades and reports are coming in tomorrow or the day after. i'm kinda scared of them because i know they dropped a lot since last year but i'm pretty sure i passed most if not all of my courses so i think it'll be fine.

i started working a summer job a week ago and i'll be working the next week too. it's mostly because i need the money so i can replace my broken phone but also because we had to do some kind of job/workplace experience thing because of our school (that was voluntary though because of covid). the job pays really well so i might also get a new binder with the money since the one i have now is falling apart. on the other hand, working 8 hours a day for five days straight has really taken all of my energy and i can't listen to music while working which makes it a lot harder. the last week i've mostly been coming home in the evening, maybe eating something and going straight to bed.

(also i got my period last thursday and i hate hate hate it so much it makes everything so much worse even without the dysphoria it's just so messy and annoying to deal with)

a week ago i finally jumped over my shadow and talked to my mom but it was a huge disappointment. i'm pretty sure i couldn't get my point across in a way she'd understand and she kinda just admitted not being able to help after saying a bunch of things that really hurt. i removed myself from the situation by "going to bed" aka going to my room, locking my door and crying myself to sleep. i was just really pissed off and talking to her was kinda my last resort for when i realized i couldn't help myself anymore.

anyway, the day after that was monday (when i started working) and me, running on barely any sleep because the night before was a disaster, had to somehow survive work and i'm pretty sure i ignored or snapped at a lot of people that day which i feel kinda bad for.

on wednesday after work i talked to my mom again because i was pissed off and couldn't let it sit. she said the same kind of bs she had used on sunday and we got nowhere, since then i've probably been a lot less friendly to her but i'm just not ready to give up so much energy for her.

her favorite arguments we're things like "but others have it a lot worse" (which is a mindset i've worked on getting away from for quite a while) (also my mom was referring only to my grades with this but little does she know that the only reason why my grades aren't dropping that badly is because no matter how bad i got mentally, i yeeted stuff like self-care before school because school had always been structured and mostly clear while life in general was just. not.)

other arguments she used were "just get off your phone and set a timer for 45 minutes and concentrate on what you wanna get done" and "just pull yourself together, it's not that hard" (those were about me saying that i struggle with starting tasks and getting shit done)

lastly she also said that my expectations are just way too high and that if i didn't expect only the best from myself (this was about grades too) i wouldn't get so disappointed if i didn't get that great grade i was hoping for. and like, she's not wrong but if you've only ever been good at one thing in your entire life and you were really good at it, then you'd just expect nothing but the best from yourself because you know reaching that isn't impossible.

and she ended it with "what do you expect me to do?" and "i can't help you" and i realized later that i just should've said that she should help me get someone that *can* help me, like a therapist or something.

anyway, i'm proud of myself for finding a summer job and finally talking to my mom and not so proud of my grades and the fact that i can't seem to get the point across to my mom

thank you for creating this safe space for people like us, i wish you a happier time than the one i'm having :')

milky way here :|

got the reports and grades and stuff yesterday and i'm just :| about it. like, yea i know i'm still somewhere at the top of the class and that i'm more than one and a half grades better than some others in my class but i'm still upset about my grade in maths for example but my parents laughed/chuckled at me when i was upset and that really hurt

and afterwards my mom said something along the lines of "yes you're allowed to be stressed but because of your good grades you don't have the right to complain about being stressed" which is absolute bs and i still don't understand how having good grades disqualifies one from complaining and i'm sure as hell not gonna ask her

i just wanna scream in her face but i'm pretty sure she'd slap me if i did that

i'm almost done with my summer job and since monday noon i had the chance to work in a different part of the factory which is a lot less uncomfy to be in because it has AC and since it's not in the lab itself, i don't have to wear a hair net, an overall, steel-toed boots and rubber gloves.

today i set myself a few goals for the summer break and for the next school year and i really hope i can get through with those because it'd make future-me extremely happy

have a great great time :D

and PS: since tumblr has been eating a lot of notifs lately i missed a lot of your posts and i tried filtering by the milky way anon tag but only one post showed up. i'm not sure what's up with that tho

Hi again! Don’t worry, I got you. Here’s a link to all the asks you’ve sent up to this point: first, second, third. All of them are tagged, but the tumblr search engine isn’t exactly known for its accuracy. I use the tumblr original post finder site for this stuff, but I just realised by looking for your asks that the site takes capital letters into account, so the ones that were tagged with a capital M in Milky weren’t showing. They all do show now that I changed the M to lowercase. So I’ll have to try to be more consistent with that from now on 😅

On to your asks. First off, congrats on finishing your course! And I really hope you can replace your phone and your binder :D sorry about getting your period, though, that really sucks :(

I think the conversation with your mom that Sunday is the one discussed on the third ask I linked. I'm really sorry the same thing happened on Wednesday. It's not your fault you can't get across to her—she's the one who should be open to helping you and offering possible (actual) solutions to the problems you're bringing up to her, and not you who should spell out every single thing she can do to help you. You're not being unclear to her—she's being obtuse and refusing to listen.

You're not meant to know how to just "pull yourself together", and you're absolutely right that your grades not dropping all the way doesn't mean you're not struggling, and you still deserve help so you don't have to jeopardise your mental health for your grades. And while she's right you don't deserve to be so hard on yourself or to expect perfection from yourself, that's also something that you deserve professional help with. Again, you're not meant to know how to just turn off those emotions and thought processes.

*hugs* sorry your math grade wasn't as high as you'd hoped. It's okay to be upset and disappointed by that, and I'm so sorry they laughed at you. You do have every right to express your emotions, and you're not being unfair to anyone else for being unhappy with your own grades. I often feel the same! I get really good grades (as I think I've already said), and I also often feel disappointed when a grade isn't as high as I'd hoped. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. I'm really glad you know what your mom says is bs, because it really is. It's no wonder you feel like screaming in her face—she sounds incredibly frustrating, exhausting and invalidating to deal with. You deserve so much better than this 😔

I'm so glad you're proud of yourself! I'm really proud of you too for everything you've accomplished despite her being so unhelpful and invalidating, and I really hope you're enjoying the rest of your summer holidays and you can reach your goals! And if the occasion arises and you do end up using the "you can help me find someone who can help me" line, I hope it goes better. But if not, again, please know this is an issue of her refusing to listen, and not of you being unclear about what you need.

Sending a huge virtual hug ❤️

[pinkpeonyprincessblog]

Matters of the Heart

"Why?"  I groaned rolling over throwing a pillow across the room at my alarm clock.  It was 5:30 in the morning and I was not in the mood to get up.  Not only was it Friday,which meant it was the end of the week and I was exhausted, but I had a massive English final and to top it all off I was feeling pretty crappy. As I sat up, rubbing at my tired eyes I couldn't help but notice the aching of my limbs,my scratchy throat and my stuffed up nose.

I knew I needed to get up though,so I reluctantly left the warmth of my bed and trudged down stairs,  finding that I was the first one awake.

For a few minutes the house was silent,and I relished it,knowing that by the end of the day I was going to have a pounding headache. It was at that moment when I started mentally kicking myself for fighting with my big brother Shawn when he had suggested getting a flu shot a month earlier. He wasn't happy, and it took a fair but of convincing,but eventually he let it slide. I hated needles, and he knew that.

"You look like you're about to fall over Aimee," Shawn appeared suddenly, laughing when I jumped slightly in fright, coming over to where I was leaning against the counter.

I looked up and smiled half-heartedlly.

"I feel like it!" I groaned.

"Hug?" he asked opening his arms for me to step into. Ever since I could remember we had always shared a hug first thing in the morning.

It was a ritual,  and just because I was now seventeen and a senior in high school didn't mean that I didn't love it.

"Aimmee, you feel warm," he spoke, resting his hand on my forehead as I leant into him "Why don't you stay home today Sweet Pea?" he asked as I waited,  snuggled in his arms for my coffee to finish brewing,sniffling every so often.

"Can't," I sighed,  " I've got a massive test first period for English," I told him before swotting his hand away.

"Well at least make sure you take some Tylenol,  and have plenty of water," He told me, as I grabbed my coffee,  ready to leave the house.

"Shawn,I'm not a baby!" I huffed,rolling my eyes.  I hated it when he went all over protective on me,  especially when it came to my health.  Of course it was just my luck that he and our other three housemates and his best friends,Brian, Dave and Connor were all well respected doctors at the local hospital's Emergency Department.

He hummed in response, clearly not impressed with my answer, but didn't push it. Normally he would've put his foot down and told me point blank I wasn't going. I knew I still had a ways to go though as I still had to get past the others. 

I considered them to be brothers to me, just the same as Shawn, so I was very close with all of them. Consequently they were all extremely protective of me,  something which I hated, as I really wasn't too fond of anything medical. I'd had a couple of bad experiences when I was younger that had put me off hospitals.

" Brian and Dave, just left, and Connor's on call," Shawn told me as I grabbed my house keys. "I'll be home tonight. Bri and D will be home by lunch, so call one of them if you need to come home early. " He kissed my head before opening the door for me,  and telling me to 'have a good day'.

Several hours later, and the day was turning out to be worse than expected. I had just come out of second period, and my head was throbbing, my throat aching as the pain killers I had taken earlier had long since left my system.To out it simply I was feeling like the walking dead.

"I love you babe,  but you really are looking a bit rough hon." My best friend Emma spoke as she came to meet me outside the classroom.

"Let's just go sit down, " I begged as the halls started to fill. We walked in silence, not saying much, but as we were making our way through the doors to the lunch room I suddenly became very light- headed.  White spots obscured my vision as I made a grab for the closest object, the side of the door.

"Are you okay Aimee?" Emma asked, coming to a stop behind me.  Do you need me to call Shawn?"  She asked as I tried to keep myself upright.

"He's at work call Brian or Dave please." I managed to get out, between sharp breaths, as she led me to a lunch table. As soon as she had me seated and stable she pulled out my phone from my bag and called. I could hear talking, but was too focused on not passing out, or throwing up to actually pay attention.

"Dave said he's on his way right now," she spoke making me sigh in relief. At least now I knew that if I fainted I would be in the presence of a doctor or doctors given that Brian was home now too.

"We may as well go up to the office, " she suggested taking my bag from me, and giving me a sympathetic smile. We trudged slowly up to the office building, and once I was there the school nurse made her leave, taking me to her office where I lay on the cot in silence, trying to will away the dizzyness that was now causing the room to spin even more. 

I felt like I was on one of those spinny rides they have at amusement parks.

I wasn't really paying attention to the time or my surroundings so it startled me slightly when I heard the nurse's voice and realised that she was no longer in the room with me.

"She's in here. She drifted off about ten minutes ago, the poor darling," she tutted as the door opened. Dave stepped into the room, dressed in scrubs, his ID badge identifying him as a doctor at the hospital still attached to his pocket. Clearly he had just come from work.

"I'm sorry I made you leave early," I apologised,  coughing.

"Aimee, don't be ridiculous, you know the guys and I would drop anything any time you need us honey." I knew it was true. They had lived together since their intern year, and when I moved in I basically gained three other family members.  It wasn't much of an adjustment though as I already saw them as older brothers, so I knew he meant what he was saying.

"So you're not feeling too good ha? " he asked, coming over to the cot, and giving me yet another sympathetic smile.

"You could say that," I laughed at the gross understatement before, letting out a few harsh coughs, making Dave's brow furrow.

He took my hand, and pulled me into a sitting position slowly.

"I feel dizzy," I mumbled, holding his hand more tightly.

" You're okay, it's probably just your Eustachian Tubes. If they get blocked, it messes with your balance, and can make you feel dizzy," he explained calmly as he waited for me to get my bearings. Once I felt normal enough to stand,Dave took my bag,  and led me out to his car, keeping a supportive hand on my lower back the entire time.

"How long have you felt sick?" he asked switching into doctor mode almost immediately as soon as we stepped out of the office. "Aimmee?" he asked again as we got strapped in.  It was only then that I realised I hadn't answered his question.

"Since last night," I admitted,  leaning my head on the window.

"You really should have gotten the flu shot," he spoke a few minutes later.

" D, don't lecture me,  you know I hate needles!" I grumbled, turning to glare at him.

"I'm just saying." He held his hands up in defense.

"Well just don't say!" I snapped back.  "Sorry, " I added when I saw the look of shock. " I get mean when I'm tired."

He smiled, nodding in response, but didn't say anything, instead turning the car on and heading for home. Something which I was greatful for as I wasn't in the mood to talk.

The next thing I was aware of was my door opening slowly and Dave rubbing my arm gently.

"Aimmee, we're home honey," he spoke as I squinted, readjusting to the light. He was patient as I got out of the car, and made my way inside, helping me into the warm house and straight upstairs to my room.

"Take this," he spoke, handing me some decongestant for my cough and some aspirin for my headache. 

I made my way slowly over to the bed once I had taken the given medication, curling up as Brian walked in with a soft smile, still dressed in his scrubs, stethoscope round his neck. "Hi sweetheart, I just want to take your temperature." he told me  coming over to the bed, with a thermometer in hand, sitting beside me.

"I'm going to turn the heating up,  and get a few more blankets," Dave told us before leaving the room.

"Sit up for my Aimee," Brian spoke, pulling the covers back.

"No," I whined, rolling over to try to avoid it.

"Come on Aimee, it'll only take a minute," he promised as Dave returned and came over, helping to roll me over. True to his word it was only a minute later that the machine beeped and I heard them both hum.

"You got yourself a substantial fever hon. I want you to get into a singlet. You can have a thin blanket if you're feeling cold, but the more we reduce the outside heat sources the better."

"You shouldn't be having to look after me," I huffed as I got out of bed in order to remove my excess clothing. "You haven't even removed your stethoscope or the gel from your hair, " I pointed to the way his hair was still spiked back with gel,  knowing that when Brian got home, removing  it was always the first thing he did, kind of like washing the day away.

"How about you let me worry about that hey?" he suggested, before laughing as I nearly fell, trying to remove my school pants, leaving me in just bike shorts and a crop top. Once I was changed he got me situated, propping up pillows to help with my cough.

"Thanks," I mumbled. "Hey where'd Dave go? " I asked noticing for the first time that he wasn't in the room anymore. 

"He had some paper work to catch up on," This wasn't unusual as Dave was the Head of the Emergency Department, with Shawn, Connor and Brian working as his deputys, helping to lead the charge as the hospital is one of the biggest in the country,getting code blacks several times a month.  

"As do I, so get some sleep. Just shout if you need anything, I'll be in the lounge drowning in paper work." He smiled as he pulled the quilt up around me and walked out the door.

I woke to whispers a while later, not knowing where I was, or what time it was for a few moments.  When I felt the gentle touch of a hand on my forehead,  and then my wrist,  I came back to reality.

"She's still too warm," someone whispered.

"Aimmee?" I recognized the voice as Brian. Slowly I managed to open my eyes, squinting, and letting out a small moan at the instant headache the newfound light was giving me.

"How you feeling hon?" he asked, sitting on the bed, and rubbing my arms gently. He had changed into sweat pants and an old teeshirt since the last time I was awake, his hair now flopping over the right side of his face.

"Cold, sore, tired...," I listed off, trying to fight the urge to cough again. I just wanted to roll over and curl back up.

"How 'bout you come down stairs and have something light to eat, get some fluids into you,  and I'll heat up a hot water bottle for you?" he suggested, standing up from the bed.

I really didn't want to, but I knew I really didn't have a choice, and that no matter what I said, he would make me.

"Fine," I sighed, slowly sitting up, and following him and Dave at a snail's pace down the stairs.

"Why'd you go to school?" he asked as I got settled on the couch.

"Had a test I couldn't miss," I answered between another set of bone rattling coughs.

"That doesn't sound good." He folded his arms and eyed me carefully.

"Yeah well, it doesn't feel too good either."

"Will you let one of us listen to your chest?" he asked, probably already knowing the answer.

I shook my head. He left it at that, and went to get some food for me, also heating up the hot water bottle as promised. When he returned he made me eat a piece of toast and have some honey lemon tea to help soothe my sore throat, before finally letting me go back to sleep. That was where I was when my brother stepped into the house, I don't know how many hours later.

"How are you feeling?" Shawn came to sit on the couch with me, still dressed in his scrubs.

"Pretty crappy." I sniffed leaning into his side, and relishing the warmth.

" Brian,when was the last time she had medicine?"  he asked, pressing his palm to my to head.

Brian poked his head into the room from the kitchen. Probably having been preparing dinner, as they all took turns usually.

"About five."

"So about an hour ago," Dave surmised, coming over to sit on the other side of me,and looking at his watch.

"You're still feeling warm Princess, I'm going to go get some wet washers. You're having the flu shot next year Princess." he called as he left the room.

"But Shawn!" I whined, he knew how much I hated needles.

No,we are not having a repeat of this. Wouldn't you rather avoid this if you can?"

"You don't even know it's what it is. How long does it last though?"

" Seven to ten days, give or take. That's if it is the flu though," he qualified from the other room.

"I am sick of feeling sick," I grumbled as I chucked yet another batch of tissues into the bin that Brian had left beside the couch for me.

"Well maybe you'll think about that next time I say it's time to get your flu shot," he sassed, coming back into the room with several cold washers. I couldn't help but roll my eyes, he always had to be right!

"I saw that!" Dave laughed, poking my side and winking.

"Saw what?" Shawn asked, looking between the two of us.

"Nothing," I answered with a smile, trying to convey my innocence. " But seriously Shawnie, I know being a doctor is practically in your DNA,  but could like not use this moment to do a 'I told you so. '," I huffed, throwing my weight to the back of the couch again.

He and Dave just laughed, before they worked together, placing the clothes around my body- under my arms, on my forehead, even my feet.

"You know if you let one of us take a look at you,  then we might actually be able to help you," Connor spoke from the door, arms crossed,  it was the first time I'd seen him all day. He looked tired, but somehow there was still a teasing glint in his eyes.

"No," I answered immediately, shivering at the thought.

He sighed coming to sit on the edge of the couch.

"We're not going to do anything to hurt you honey,  but you've been sick for over 24 hours now, and nothing is changing."

"Not all doctors are nasty, cold people like your previous one," Shawn added with a gentle smile,  reaching to take my hand in his. "Besides, I'm your brother and I wouldn't let anyone hurt you, we all took an oath not to do harm."

At least let us check your temperature again and eat something."

I looked down ringing my fingers before looking back at them all.

"Okay, but can we watch a movie after?"

...

It was now several hours later,and the movie (Monsters, INC.) had finished, and we were all in bed, but I lay awake tossing and turning, unable to find a comfortable spot. I could feel that my fever had gotten worse, I was sweating, but freezing, I had aches and pains, and my whole body felt like lead. On top of that I now had a weird stabbing pain in my chest that was getting worse, and it was freaking me out. At first I thought it was just from all the coughing, but when it wasnt getting better after a solid half an hour of trying to ignore it, I knew something was wrong.

I got up slowly, and made my way down the hall to my brother's room, opening the door, seeing him splayed out on the bed, shirtless and snoring.

"Shawn?" I whispered, hoping to wake him, but it didn't do anything.  "Shawn?" I tried again, this time shaking his arm a little bit, still nothing. Finally I was about to give up when I heard a voice from outside.

"Aimee?" Connor asked, stepping into the doorway, his face illuminated by moonlight flooding through the window.

"Con," I sighed relieved.

"What's wrong? " he asked as I came to stand next to him, him pulling me into a hug.

"My heart hurts," I hicupped into his chest.  "My heart hurts," I repeated.

"Okay,calm down," he soothed, rubbing my back, and starting to lead me back downstairs, but not before shaking Shawn awake, and telling him to wake the others, all of which came into the lounge room minutes later, rubbing tiredly at their eyes.

"Now what sort of pain is it?" Connor asked,sitting next to me, and taking my pulse, as the others watched.

"It feels like I'm being stabbed here, " I told him holding my hand over my chest. Their brows furrowed.

"Does it hurt more when you're lying down or sitting? " Dave asked, coming over to me.

"Standing and lying down," I answered.

"How long has it been hurting?" Brian asked, feeling my forehead once again for the fever. "Her fever has spiked," he muttered, "Right I need to listen to your chest for a minute Poppet," Dave spoke standing and running to his room.

We sat quietly as we waited for Dave, me trying to get a hold of my emotions, as Connor sat beside me, rubbing calming circles on my back.

"I  don't like this," I mumbled leaning into Shawn's side so that my face was in his neck, my voice muffled.

"You're doing great though Princess."

"But what if it's something bad?" I whispered, looking up at my brother.

"Aimee, I can't promise you anything right now, but I do know that you have four people here with you that are going to look after you. Right now, your only job is to let us do our jobs okay?" he smiled pulling me into him more tightly.

"You alright Princess?" Dave asked kneeling down beside the couch.

"No," I whispered the tears coming back as he went to place the stethoscope to my chest.

He sighed before dropping his arms and looking at me. "What are you scared of Sweetheart?" He didn't look angry, merely concerned so I told the truth.

"I don't like hospitals, or doctors," I admitted feeling stupid.

"Look Princess, I know you haven't had the best experiences with them in the past, but right now we really need to figure out what's going on.Try to remember that it's just me okay, just D, one of you're annoying big brothers. Don't think of it negatively, just think of it as we're trying to make you feel better," he suggested.

"Can you explain everything?" I asked, my voice breaking a bit.

"Of course,everything will be at your pace, okay?"

I nodded, showing him that I understood. " Is it okay, if I lift this up, so I can listen to your heart and lungs?" he asked tugging at my sweater lightly. I nodded again, holding Shawn's hand just a little bit more tightly.

"Just think, you're really quite lucky, it's not everyday that you get the Head of the Emergency Department doing a personal consult for you," Shawn said.

"That is true." I smiled despite everything.

"I know I'm the best," Dave laughed, as he stood up to listen to my lungs.  "Deep breath in for me." I did as asked, waiting impatiently for it all to be over.

"There's definitely some crackling, especially on the left side of the lungs, and I'd like to double check, but it sounds to me like there's some inflammation around the heart," he spoke, allowing me to lean back.

"What, what does that mean? " I asked, my heart rate spiking again.

"If I'm right it means that the virus has effected the layers of your heart. Basically the tissue has gotten inflammed and is rubbing together. That's what is causing the pain."

"Is it dangerous?" I panicked feeling the blood drop from my face.

Connor looked at me before answering carefully. "It can be, but chances are that it's viral Pericarditis,  so it should resolve within a few days with minimal intervention." he explained gently.

"Per, whaty-what?" I asked, feeling more confused than ever.

"Pericarditis,  it's the medical name, " Brian explained, all of them them laughing at my sheer confusion.

"So what now?"

"Well as Calum said we need to check- get some x- rays to confirm, and while we're there we'll investigate everything else that's going on.  It's almost certain you've got the flu, and that's what has caused it, so we   need to get that sorted for everything else to get better," Shawn explained.

I groaned, letting my head drop into his lap,  unfortunately this created the urge to cough, and with every cough that I let out, the burning,  stabbing pain only intensified.

"We really need to get you to the hospital," Shawn urged seeing my discomfort, before bending down and picking me up, cradling me in his arms.

The other dashing upstairs to get into clothes other than pyjamas, and grab their badges. None of them seemed to care that they weren't in scrubs, and when I asked Shawn if it mattered he responded with "As long as we have our badges with us,  it's okay. It's not mandatory to wear uniforms."

Once they were ready, they bundled me up in blankets, Shawn insisting that they protect me from the cold winter air, even for the short walk from the house to the car. I tried to be helpful, and support some of my weight as Shawn carried me to the vehicle, but I just didn't have any energy,  and every time I moved, it hurt. Eventually I gave up, having tried to shuffle into my seat, twisting the wrong way and sending a shot of pain straight through my chest.

"Just let us do the work," Dave stopped me as I tried again,holding my arms, and bringing me to a holt, and so from that point on I was something of a jelly fish. Except for the shaking, I could barely stay still the whole drive, my legs trembling of their own accord, no matter how hard I tried to stop them.

"You'll be alright, " Connor commented,  giving me a much needed hug as he helped me out of the car 20 minutes later.

By now I was feeling straight up petrified, and the worst part about it was, all four of the guys knew it. And there was absolutely nothing I could do.

"Come on," Shawn whispered, leading me slowly towards the hospital entrance.

Inside, they led me straight past the admissions desk, briefly filling one of the nurses in as we made our way into the room, Shawn helping me gently onto the single bed.

"Not anyone I don't know," I begged, holding onto Shawn, as the others moved around the room,  collecting things and setting up equipment. I tried not to pay attention as I could already feel the anxious knots forming.

"You know we're not meant to be treating you Princess, at least not here, we're family," he responded, kissing my hand, while grabbing a gown from a draw and passing it to me, turning around so I could get changed,the others not paying attention.

"Actually Shawn," Dave spoke once I was dressed in the hideous cloth, "The pit is in overdrive, I had five new admissions just in the last half hour of my shift, and the other doctors are overloaded, I really don't think anyone will mind, and if they do they can take it up with me as the Head of the Department. She needs to be seen to, especially if our suspicions are right, " Dave interrupted, patting my arm gently.

"Aimee?" Brian called, getting my attention. "We'll take this really slowly hon, but we need to hook you up to a couple of things, okay?" I nodded, managing a smile as they went about starting to attach everything.  A blood pressure and heart rate monitor, which I knew, a mask,  which Shawn was quick to explain that I needed as I tried to remove it. "Leave it there baby, you could really do with the extra oxygen at the moment. You're heart is racing, and your blood pressure is also a little higher than it should be. Heart rate 120, BP 130/90," he called to the others as he watched the monitors that were now displaying my vitals. 

"That's a little higher than it should be Aimee, just try to relax, I know it's scary, and I know that all the lights, and the noises won't be helping,  but I promise you, you're in the best place right now, " Connor promised, coming over, and warming his stethoscope up in his hands before placing it against my chest.

The machines attached to me started beeping, as my heart rate picked up again, only making me feel more anxious and agitated.The guys seemed unfazed though, Brian quickly shutting them off with no trouble. " It's just an alert to tell us that you're vitals are higher than they should be," he explained when he noticed me watching his every move.

"Aimee?" Connor called, resting his hand under my chin, and turning my head gently so that my focus was on him again. "Ignore all that sweetheart,the guys will sort that out okay, all I need you to do is focus on Luke and I okay?" he smiled when I nodded, before helping me to sit up. "Breathe in for me Aimee, and out, and again," he spoke as I took shaky breathes, holding Shawn's hand in a death grip.

"There's definitely some wheezing there.  I'd like to get a chest x-ray, and start you on fluids," he told me as he moved the stethoscope away, and allowed me to lay back again. "I'll order the x- ray now, you should be able to have it done in the next half an hour," he added as he went to the computer in the corner of the room, and pressed a few buttons.  "Done, they'll page us when they're ready for you," he smiled.

"Right, is it okay if I have your left hand Princess?" Dave asked stepping up to the side of the bed. I only realised what he was dining when I  saw the tray that he had placed down next to my side.

"No," I cried, panicked, realising that it was a needle, and other equipment, necessary for an I.V. "Can't you just give me something to make me better?" I asked desperately wanting to avoid an needles at all costs.

He sighed, taking in my stressed appearance." Three days ago an anti- viral may have worked, but somebody decided to be a difficult patient," Shawn looked at me pointedly as we all laughed."but now," he continued "not so much. Even with the anti-viral your body would have struggled.  So now that the virus has taken hold your body really needs the extra help. Fluids included, " he explained, as Dave picked up the wipe from the metal bowl, wiping my hand down. I couldn't help the shudder that ran through my body, I had always hated the smell of hospital disinfect, and the sterilization wipes were no better.

"Sorry, he murdered as he finished, and chucked the wipe into the bin next to the bed. " Ready?" he asked, looking to me as he positioned my hand and opened the packet housing the needle.

" Do I really have to?" I asked, looking up at my brother, hoping he would help me out. Instead, he rubbed my back before agreeing with Dave.

"Sweetheart, you're in pain baby, this will help with it okay. It'll give you some relief,listen to me. Take a breath, listen to my voice.  'll sit up here and hold you. It'll be over in a second and then that's the worst over. Okay. Dave's a pro," he insisted,  gesturing for me to move over so he could hop up onto the bed. He smiled encouraging allowing me to snuggle in.

"Don't cry Princess, " Dave murmured,wiping softly at my face with a tissue to dry the tears that were now falling. "On three, " he warned, causing me to bury my head in Shawn's neck. "One, two, three," I felt the pinch, of it breaking my skin, but it was nowhere near what I had been expecting, and I found myself looking up in surprise.

"Not so bad right," Shawn laughed.

"The expectations are always worse than the reality," Dave added, as he attached the tubing,  and removed the tray from the bed. "You're all set little one, " he told me as he finished hookingme up to the fluids, and pain relief, before kissing my head.

For the next half an hour we sat in relative silence,  all exhausted given that it was still so early. Finally Connor got the call to say that they were ready for me at radiology, Dave offered to take me so the others could get food, and Shawn could sort my admission papers. At first I wasn't too happy at the idea, but when Dave promised that he wouldn't leave my side I relaxed, and let him transfer me to a wheel chair, leading me down the maze of corridors.

"D," I asked as we came to a stop outside a lift.

"Yes? " he asked, bending down so that he could hear me more easily.

"Why do Cheetahs have spots?"

He didn't answer me for a minute, but then he started laughing, "Oh my goodness, I think the pain relief is starting to take effect."

" I feel fine now." I shrugged as the doors opened and he wheeled me in, still chuckling.

"I bet you do Princess, I bet you do."

The x- rays were quick and easy, only taking about ten minutes, after which Dave took me straight back up to the room.

"Someone's pain meds have taken affect!" he announced as he stopped just inside the door, and helped me to my bed.

Brian looked up from where he was sitting on the small chair in the corner doing paperwork and smiled. " I can see that, her eyes are huge, how much did you give her?" he laughed, standing up,  and coming over to the side of the bed.

"What do you mean? " I asked as Brian pulled a light from his pocket.

"You're pupils, they're extremely dilated. "

"What are you doing?" Shawn asked as he and Connor walked in.

"She's high on pain meds," Dave explained with a chuckle. "We may as well do the exam now, while you're not in too much discomfort."

"Okay," Weirdly I didn't feel as nervous as I did before.

"Wow, those meds got you good baby, this is the most relaxed you've been in a medical setting,  ever!" Shawn laughed taking my hand as he stopped next to me. " I didn't know pain meds effected you like this."

"Alright " Dave tapped my leg bringing my attention back.  "I just want to check your heart and lungs first little lady, can you lean forward?" I nodded allowing him to do what he had to do. 

"There is some slight wheezing,  but other than that and the inflammation everything sounds perfect. " he smiled. "Your heart rate has come down too," he noted looking to the monitor.  "That's good! So what else besides your fever, and the chest pain are you feeling?"

"What?"

"What other symptoms do you have? " Connor clarified, standing next to Dave.

"Cough, runny nose, sore throat, chills, head aches, fatigue." I listed, laughing slightly when the guys mouths dropped a bit in shock.

"Why didn't you just let us help you?" Shawn asked, clearly exasperated.

I shrugged, "I don't know, I guess, I'd rather just deal with it on my own. Or that's what I did think until it started hurting," I whined,  "It feels like someone's stabbing me!"

"Let me have a look at your ears, nose and throat okay Princess," Dave spoke, ignoring the last bit of what I said. I was glad though because I just wanted to feel better. And the sooner he figured out what was wrong, the sooner he could make that happen.

"Well it's official Princess, you've got yourself a nasty case of the flu," he announced with what I thought was a rather unnecessary smile as he finished looking at my throat. "It's one of the worst ones I've seen in a while, I don't know how you're breathing through your nose, at all, or eating for that matter. Your throat is red."

"Yeah well, I'm not feeling that great right now,  trust me," I grumbled. "I just wish my chest would stop hurting.  "It stopped, and then it started again. "

"Radiology just sent through your scans, it's definitely pericarditis," Brian replied from the corner, causing me to groan.

"This sucks!" I whined, flopping back against the bed, "and it hurts."

"I know baby," Shawn spoke, clearly sympathetic.

"I'll put some more pain meds in your I.V okay,  it should help,  mbut really all we can do is relieve the pain, and keep you on bed rest until the virus runs it's course," he spoke gently as he readjusted the blankets for me, and put some more stuff in my I.V. "That should take too long to work. "

"Hop back in with me, I'm cold," I whined, pulling his arm so that he moved closer to the bed. I felt like all I was doing was whining,  but I just felt crappy.

"That'll be the fever, " Brian nodded. "You've had stuff for it though, so we just need to let it do it's thing. Provided it doesn't get too high, it actually helps your body get rid of the virus. "

"The beds barely big enough for one," Shawn laughed, still focused on me.

"I don't care," I whined continuing to pull at his arm.

"Fine,"  he sighed, hoping in next to me, and allowing me to curl up once more.

"So what have you learned from this whole thing?"  Shawn asked smirking from beside me as I struggled to keep my eyes open half an hour later.

I glared at him, causing all of them to laugh, "Go on, what have you learned?" he asked tickling my side.

" I don't know if I can say it, it hurts too much," I laughed, going along with the joke. He pouted.

"Hey no fair!" I argued, he knew that I couldn't resist it when he pouted, it had been that way since we were kids. "Fine, I should have listened to you, cause you know best," I grumbled, holding my chest as if I was wounded.

"Was that really so hard?" Connor laughed watching from where he was packing up excess wiring,  placing them back into their relevant draws.

"Yes, it was incredibly painful," I sassed back.

"Truth hurts princess!" Shawn laughed, pulling me into a hug.

"That it does," I agreed, resting my head on his shoulder again  and closing my eyes. Never again would I be so stubborn. But there was no need for them to know that, not yet anyway.

[hotchley]

hey sumayyah! i saw your sign!! I'm writing the JJ & Emily parts of the really out of the blue and shitty mini-whatever it is 💀 and hopefully I'll figure out how to shorten it or something lmaoo

but i wanted to come here and talk for awhile i guess

it's like, 2am where i am right now and I'm just so drained mentally like idk i can't seem to focus on getting all my work done (school work) and i just submitted a fake corrupted file to pass off as my homework because i haven't been able to finish it (it's not graded or anything it's just 2 biology practice papers for revision for the upcoming exam but they're really long & biology is not my strong subject......)

like I'm 60-70% done on both papers and yeah i feel so bad for doing what i did and i am still planning on finishing those 2 papers (both as legitimate practice/revision & just in case my teachers do check and decide to ask me to resubmit/send them the file through another channel) and idk i obviously can't really talk to any one in school about this so i came here.... sorry for this bout of negativity i just feel so drained inside and it's not even the first time.... I'm on my break right now (mid years break) but my break is ending in roughly 4-5 more days? and I've felt unmotivated and horrible throughout the entire break idk :/ idk if this is just burn out or something else.... I've been planning on finding a therapist/professional to talk to? but 1. i can't exactly do it "openly" because i come from a rather conservative family and mental health issues (& sexuality etc) aren't things we talk about in my family.... and 2. I'm still a full-time student & I'm not sure of what services are available + the costs and all the other concerns? so like idk I'm not even sure where to start :(

and because I've been feeling like cr*p most of the time the last 3 weeks, I've done absolutely nothing & so i have TONS of school assignments piled up (those that were due during the break I've finished (somehow lmao) and submitted, but those that are due AFTER the break when school reopens.... i have completely not touched) & the worst thing is I'm not even entirely sure what's my entire workload.... so i definitely have to start seriously getting my work done from tomorrow (technically today) onwards.... but like i genuinely have a hard time focusing on work and I'm not sure if it's just my issues with procrastination or if i have a genuine illness or something and i don't want to self diagnose so I've been trying to not think about this but lately it's been so hard because i can't even finish my work on time and exams are coming and it's just really affecting me? and it's getting worse? i don't even have anyone i can truly talk to about this irl too and SKDJSKSNS idk 😭😭

i am SO SORRY for all the negativity!!!!! i just felt so alone and really had to vent somewhere i am so sorry, feel free to delete this ask if you're uncomfortable 🥺

i hope you're having a much better day/night and i love you ❤️ your blog (& cm Tumblr) is really giving me hope & keeping me alive, if i can put it that way 🥺♥️♥️ thank you for being you, and thank you for simply existing. I'm sorry things got so depressing all of a sudden lmao I'll be fine (eventually, probably)

- 🌙

I feel like my answer got long, so I put it under the cut :)

YAY!

Also, I did see this when you initially sent it, but I'm working on boundaries and priorities, which is why I didn't answer it then- I just needed a break <3

Look, you're learning during a pandemic that has disrupted everything and caused a lot of pain and stress. One corrupted file does not make you a bad student. You're still going to try.

There were so many days during lockdown where I just... didn't submit any work, and then I would submit it later saying the thing broke- which seemed believable because the thing we used never functioned properly.

And we cannot be happy or perfect all the time. Sometimes we need to share our problems. I have always said you can talk to me, it just may take me a few days depending on my own situation, and I stand by that.

Sometimes breaks just make us more miserable. Sometimes it is just genuinely a phase that you will snap out of. Sometimes it isn't. Either way, you need to let yourself feel this. Don't try and bury it. That'll be worse.

So when it comes to therapists, if you've been thinking of seeing one, go for it. Chances are, it'll help.

I get what you mean. I don't know what it's like where you are, but in England, everyone over 16 has control over the medical stuff. That basically means your parents cannot be told what you're doing, and you can do things without their knowledge. If I wanted to make an appointment, I wouldn't need to tell them I was making it, or what was discussed. Neither can the doctors.

I asked one of my friends (I have consent to share this), and she said that she went through the BetterHelp website, and that it's really helping her. Now I know BetterHelp had some real serious problems, so I would be cautious, but that is one option. Hers is between £50-£60 a session, but there were cheaper options.

You could also go through your school!! My school has what is called a "well-being practitioner" who you can just go and see when you're feeling down, and it all remains confidential UNLESS they think intervention is needed. So you could see if there are any sessions they do, or if there's any help you can get from them :)

I have seen SO, SO many teachers on TikTok recently say two things: ask them for help if you need it, and they will give it, and just do something. I don't know what you're teachers are like, but they're probably stressed and burnt out too. If you need an extension or a break or help, they'll do their best.

And if you can't do everything, then just do one thing. Do your favourite subject, or the easiest thing. I know people say do the hardest thing first because then everything gets easier, but the one time I did that, I started crying and I gave up for a good three days so...

If you've done extensive research, then maybe it is something, and if you think that there is that, then you should try and get tested <3 and it's okay if there really is nothing. Sometimes brains are weird

You don't ever have to apologise for being human <3 Remember how I mentioned crying for twenty minutes to my history teacher? I said the same thing to him: that I feel bad talking about these things because everyone has their own problems. His response was: well yes, but there are so many people that want to help you. And they would tell you if you were being a burden.

You need to trust that. And it's hard. It's painful. It's difficult. But I promise you, telling someone will always be better than bottling it up- and this comes from the person that was pissed for six weeks because I got a phone call home from someone higher up because previously mentioned history teacher told them that I was not doing great

I love you too!!

And sometimes life gets you down! That's okay! Things will get better! Maybe this isn't healthy, but my thing is: things will work out, and things will get better because they need to, and I refuse to believe I am living a life where they won't.

You will be fine! I have every faith in you!!

[staytiny-angel]

The Demon's Lair - Part 1

Rating: E overall T for this chapter

Main Pairing - Seth Rollins/Becky Lynch (be prepared they aren't monogamous quite yet)

Warnings: Mentioned Kidnapping, Murder, hints at symptoms of PTSD, Flogging,(super vague tho, )

Summary - Seth returns to The Lair after a month away on a mercenary mission to learn things aren't quite the way he left them.

Authors Note: I don't know what the fuck happened, I swore I was just gonna write a bunch of kinky smut. That was the plan but it grew a damn plot. A real one, not just a flimsy frame but a whole ass mansion. So I'm just gonna write a story and see where it takes me. Probably gonna come up with some sort of update schedule for this, Chase and Safe Haven.

Taglist: @askauradonprep @swifteforeverandalways @rxllynch @riottbliss @nothingbutmeworld @axelwolf8109 @biforbecky2belts @neversatisfiedgirl @superrezzy00 @nicolewoo

Seth exited his town car in the dim Brooklyn alley stretching and cracking his neck, stiff after an 11-hour day behind his desk, followed by 7 hours passed out on his office couch "Pick you up at 3 like always Mr. Rollins?" his driver asked.

"Yes, thank you Joey" Seth responded, handing the man a hundred dollar bill, "Why don't you pick up Jamie and the two of you have a nice dinner on me while you wait?"

"I think he'll like that, thank you, Mr. Rollins, Sir" Joey replied before pulling off and leaving Seth at a blood-red door with black script reading The Demon's Lair.

Seth both loved and hated the Lair. In many ways, the kink club was the only place he felt like himself. Where he could drop the facade he wore in his professional life and even with his family to an extent, but he hated it too. He hated that even though he felt so at home there and had plenty of wonderful friends and sometimes lovers…nobody seemed to want to keep him.

Breaking out of his increasingly morose thoughts, Seth used his member's card to unlock the door to the Lair and slipped inside. He'd been in the Middle East for several weeks, meaning he'd been 'On' the entire time and was absolutely looking forward to taking off his mask and letting the real Seth out to play.

"Sethie!" The pink-haired girl at the front desk yelled in happiness "I missed you!"

"Sup, Livvy" Seth replied with an easy grin as all the tension seemed to drop off his shoulders as he mentally locked the corporate shark in its tank for the next 6 hours.

The hyperactive submissive had standing permission from her Domme to hug on Seth whenever she wanted so she dashed around the desk and practically tossed herself into the older man's arms. "Miss Ruby said you were in the bad place for the last month so all the hugs for you," she says quietly

"Thank you sweetie pie," Seth whispered in her ear. "I'm just glad to be back," He says louder letting go of her. "So what I miss, any dirt?" he asks as he strips off his suit jacket and tie and then rolls up his sleeve.

"So we finally met Master Balor's mysterious protege." She tells her friend as she takes his cuffs out of a locked case beneath the desk.

"He told me he had asked her to come here. Something about a bad break up." Seth replied, "What's she like?"

"Miss Rebecca is here tonight tending the bar since Devvie is back in school right now, she has a thicker accent then Master Balor's, bright orange hair and she's really pretty. " Liv continues

Seth easily buckles the black leather cuffs with their inlaid red hearts onto his wrists, brushing his thumb over the words worked into the leather "Who's around that might want to play with me?"

"Master Balor and Miss Violet are waiting for you. Miss Renee tattled on you, babe." Liv says with a smile "Naughty Sethie you were supposed to go home and sleep." She teases wagging a finger at him "Now you're in tro-uble" she sings

Seth huffed and muttered under his breath "Bossy fucking Doms." While he, Finn and Violet weren't a permanent triad, the two switches did take care of him, trying to make sure the workaholic took care of himself at least somewhat. And since the pair had quite literally kept Seth from drinking himself to death after his 3 tours in Afghanistan, he did try least try to listen to them. Not that it always happened but at least he TRIED.

Liv shook her head and giggled "Yeah, have fun with that. I've got the desk for another hour and then its Moxie's turn.

Seth walked into the club properly and looked to see who was around, heading over toward the fireplace when he caught a glimpse of his Personal Assistant sitting in a club chair, her two submissives sitting at her feet. Easily kneeling alongside Roman and Mox, he smirked up at her "You are a goddamn tattletale, Miss Renee."

Renee Moxley tapped her boss's nose with the riding crop in her left hand, "You were supposed to go back to the penthouse and sleep when you got back from Saudi Arabia. Instead, you spent 11 hours in the office, of course, I told them"

"Finn and Violet are waiting for you downstairs, you have a demon to contend with."

"Son of a bitch, really?" Seth's head dropped. "Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. He's THAT pissed at me?"

"You passed out in the office from exhaustion AGAIN." Roman told his best friend quietly "I had to pick your ass up off the floor and put you on the couch. Did you really think no one was gonna tell the only two people you MIGHT listen to?"

Renee gestured with the crop for Seth to stand up, "Go on, don't keep them waiting" the Domme told him sternly

Now knowing that he was in deep shit, Seth quickly headed to the stairs, only casting a distracted look at the orange-haired woman behind the bar talking to Master Orton and Ember Moon.

When Seth entered Finn and Violet's private dungeon he gulped audibly because sitting in the plush red and black throne like a chair with Violet on his lap wasn't his slightly goofy friend Finn, but King Balor in full on warpaint.

"Oh…look Mon Roi, it's a naughty kitten," The blue-haired woman dressed in a black and red corset, stockings and tall heeled boots said quietly

"Kneel, Little Prince," Balor orders "and explain why Lady Renee called to tell me you disobeyed one of the few things we ask of you"

"My Liege, I slept on the plane on the way home. By the time I arrived in New York my inbox was full, I figured I would work for a few hours and then go home, but I lost track of time and the next thing I knew Moxley was waking me saying you had requested my presence"

"Kitten, we are not your Masters, but you requested this arrangement to help you stay healthy and safe after last summer's incident," Violet says quietly "Yet you disobeyed. Lady Renee said that Roman had to pick you up off of your office floor because you passed out. She had your private doctor come and check you and you didn't even wake up. You aren't taking care of yourself"

Seth opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by Balor "Not another word Little Prince, you know very well you've earned yourself quite the punishment"

'Well, fuck' Seth thought to himself as he knelt in front of the throne after having been stripped of his black dress shirt and his hands cuffed behind his back as Violet circled him holding a flogger, Balor still sitting there watching avidly.

"This was supposed to be your welcome home present." She sighed "But someone decided to be a bad little prince"

"I'm sorry my Queen" Seth mumbled "This last mission…it was a lot."

"You are supposed to tell us when you feel these urges to work yourself half to death. Especially after solo missions, was that not the agreement that was made after you almost….left us last year?" Balor says quietly, voice filled with emotion

Seth winced at the mention of last summer, It had been a workday much like today but instead of someone picking him up, he'd tried to drive himself home. Seth had fallen asleep at the wheel and the subsequent accident had nearly ended his life. Now Seth never drove himself after long days at work and he'd hired Joey and his husband Jamie to be his drivers.

"Do you know how scared we were? Renee called us and said you were on the floor, not moving" Violet told him "Are you injured from your mission other then the scrapes and bruises I see?"

"No your majesty" Seth answered quietly

"Then 20, Little Prince. 10 from each of us" then we'll go upstairs to the bar and you can meet Rebecca. You will be nice about showing her your ways. Or we'll end up right back down here. Understand?" Balor commanded

"Yes My Liege" Seth replied quietly

Seth barely heard the whistle of the flogger before the first blow hit his back.

His King and Queen didn't have to know that at least for this time he'd pushed himself on purpose, wanting to not think about what he'd had to do to get a young girl back to her family, He rarely took on mercenary missions himself anymore for this very reason. The damage the killing and violence took took on his mental health was terrible and he wasn't coping well but his mother…his mother had asked a favor for a friend of a friend who's daughter had been kidnapped.

So Seth went and a month later he'd returned. The girl alive, her captor and his people very much dead and he with more blood-soaked memories he'd prefer not to have.

[anakinthetrashking]

I've been laying in bed for like atleast a half hour... and my pulse is 111??? Wow! This is great!

Usually my resting heart rate is around 85-95, which is Not Good™, but like atleast it's still within range. Honestly tho a HR of 111 is not surprising right now bc I've been super high strung for the last 24hrs at least. I woke up so much last night and didn't feel like I really slept at all... but there's literally no reason for me to be stressed out? I just am? Again, should not be surprised bc I know I have GAD, but like, usually I don't feel this high strung. Even if I am. I mean I've had pretty bad anxiety basically my whole life so it's just sort of this thing that I just have to deal with, and let.me.tell.you. I am GREAT at hiding my anxiety. It does seem to be my natural state, and while I don't have a good poker face for small things, for things that freak me out? I can cover that crap really well for a loooooong time. Healthy? No. Sorta accidental? Definitely. Half the time I feel like I don't even know what my brain is thinking/stressing about and I think that's an executive dysfunction thing? Not being aware of everything that passes through your mind? So it's hard to try and sort that all out in therapy bc Im like, Im not even worried about anything? But I feel super high strung? But then I do worry about small things consciously(Big things probably get pushed to a back burner so that they can overload when I'm least expecting it,lol) but of course then everyone say "just don't worry about it!" And Im like.... yEaHh that's whAT IM TRYING TO DO!!! 🙃🙃🙃 it would be ALOT more helpful if you gave me *actual reasons* not to worry about it, or helped talk me through and helped me to reason out why I don't need to worry about it.... or just... don't say not to worry about it....

Same thing- holy crap- I was at the doctors office to adjust my meds again so they have to take my vitals, and my heart rate is usually 100-105 in office, because I'm anxious (and I have to stand up and sit down a few times and I'm pretty sure I have POTS so that kinda gets exacerbated) but last time it was like 132??? Which is pretty super high for SITTING DOWN AND DEFINITELY NOT EXCERSIZING... so I go back into the waiting room and I'm telling my family this, and another family member who is in town is just like, "you just need to chill. Just zone out. My resting heart rate is 59, and when I zone I can get it down to 29"

And I'm like:

Because, like, I'm sitting here, in the behavioral health doctors office FOR ANXIETY and you're telling me I "just need to chill" What level of denial are you at to be able to say that?? Mental illness runs rampant in our family and you're telling me this like it's something I can just go pick up at the corner store and change my entire life??

The flippancy astounds me. Like, I take medication and I pay someone every week to help me to learn how to "just chill"... I mean usually I'm surrounded by other people who know and understand chronic mental and physical illnesses- and then I talk with people who have never been sick a day in their life and the differences in attitude and the assumptions they make? It's incredible. I mean it's great for them, i wouldn't wish any of this on them, but like... don't assume that because I'm young that I'm healthy, and don't assume that what worked for you will work for me!

Just... bleeeeehhhhhh.... Im irritated and anxious today. Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight, that should help relax me a bit.