#[[he does NOT want to deal with any Ricks crashing his dimension looking for his soul]]

[the-trxangle-guy]

@implausiblynaive​ [Cont. from X]

“PERFECT! I JUST NEED YOU  TO SIGN SOME PAPERS FIRST! MIGHT AS WELL MAKE THIS OFFICIAL, RIGHT?” Really it was more for the demon’s sake. The more binding the deal the harder it would be for any third party to steal it back. Even so, the triangle materialized a parchment and a quill pen for the nervous kid. Does he even have enough energy to sign it?

[rixxy8173571m3w1p3]

Sweater Weather

I enjoy the headcanon of Doofus Rick having a variety of sweaters. And after looking at stock photos, I was inspired to write this fic. Hope you guys like it.

In this fic Ricks sweater causes some conflict.

____________

In the great vastness of space, one could learn the true meaning of loneliness. For miles upon miles, floating upon nothing, you could say it was like sailing across the sea. Yet, unlike the salt or crashing waves of the ocean, you two would navigate across star systems or avoid asteroid fields, while at the same time enjoy the peace which comes from being somewhere uncongested. However, as fascinating as it was to go on intergalactic, space adventures, one of the things you didn't enjoy was the extreme temperature changes; most of the time, you'd stay in the ship or stay home if a planet's climate was too cold for your taste, but on this occasion, Rick needed an extra pair of hands when you two stopped on Mars after spending most of the day at the Jerryboree.

After Zeta-7 had traded a few items of his own to obtain what he came for at a reduced price, you two ran as fast as you could back towards the ship, but by the time the ship was out of the Martian orbit, you were chilled to the bone. Rubbing your arms, you shivered. "I wonder if I'll ever get used to this."

Your breath came out like a cloud of smoke and the cold that had seemed mild at first had numbed your face and extremities. Rick turned up the heat, as well as turned on the seat warmers and offered you a freeze-dried Phytonian branch worm, but you passed on the offer. You knew it would have warned you up straight away, but the last time you tried one of those things, you had a stomach ache for three days. Concerned, he placed the ship on autopilot and did his best to search around in the back seat for anything you could use to warm up, but then as though it struck him on the head he groaned. "Darn it, I-I forgot that I removed the spare blanket to wash it."

"Where is it now?"

"I-I left it in the dryer."

You thought of telling him that it wasn't his fault he forgot it since you had distracted him this morning with a video about ninja cats, but it wouldn't have helped the situation. "Ricky," you tried to ease him with a weak smile but your teeth chattered. "it's not a big deal. Besides, we're not that far from home."

However, he wasn't convinced. You weren't as experienced when it came to space travel, but you knew well enough of the possible dangers associated with extreme body temperature shifts. The chill you had spread deep into your bones until you thought you'd rattle if shaken; a lick of fear traveling down your spine but otherwise you didn't feel too bad. Nonetheless, Rick was concerned for your well-being, and knowing you two were hundreds of thousands of miles away from your dimension's version of Earth, he made a decisive decision and started removing articles of his own clothing. "Whoa, what are you doing?"

With a blush, he handed you not only his knitted Jerry sweater but also his labcoat; leaving him in a thin t-shirt which had a snoopy patch on the right shoulder; how cute. "I hope it'll s-suffice until we get home."

"But what about you? What are you going to wear?"

Flashing you a stern look which left little room for argument, you slipped on his sweater and lab coat, and was delighted to feel a little more like yourself and relaxed by its scent; it was his essence; that of vanilla, of his home, and something you couldn't quite think of; chemicals perhaps. "Hmm, your clothes are a lot more comfortable than I expected them to be. How um…..how do I look?"

Turning down the lights and switching back to manual, he nodded. "It suits you m-mi corazón."

You admired its softness and passed your hand over the tight, twisted knit. It was a lovely shade of light sage green, and had a picture of a smiling Jerry holding a titanic ship model; you thought it was sweet that it was a picture of his friend. So many things this man-made or owned had a purpose or a story; this piece was most likely made to brighten up the day that the Jerrys in his care were having. Your Rick really was a good man; better yet because he saw the value in regular folk who probably didn't see it in themselves. "I like your clothes, Rick," you commented; your heart warmed by his goodness. "they seem to carry bits of you in them."

"Th-that could be said about any piece of clothing that's been worn. They carry bits of our DNA." he stated matter of factly.

"Eh….that's... I mean I get that, but that's not where I was going with this. I meant that they're soft and warm like you Ricky. You enjoy dressing comfortably, don't you? You own a variety of sweaters."

"Wh-who doesn't? I've sort of been dressing th-the same way for the last twenty or so years but when I met you, I had more opportunities to dress up. However, the older I get, the more often I'm in need of something a-a bit warmer and gentler on my skin. Actually, some of my clothes are locked to my particular genetic signature so that they'll or adjust according to the weather or climate. That way, I'll have less t-to carry on certain excursions."

"Incredible, that'll certainly come in handy, but can I ask you something?"

"Y-yes?"

"I know you're focused on driving," you started, wondering if your assumptions were correct. "but is there a reason why you haven't looked me in the eyes since we left Mars, or am I just thinking too much?"

He visibly stiffened, but he still didn't face you. Rick seemed troubled, for he tightened his grip on the wheel. Maybe this hadn't been the best time to ask, but what else could you have done? If you didn't ask, how else would you have known? Still, if you had waited, you would've noticed the red light blinking on the control panel sooner. It was a caution light, but you weren't so concerned, but you should've been.

Rick had opened his mouth to answer, with a faraway look in his eyes, but in the blink of an eye he made a sharp left turn around some space junk; jostling you two as well as the cargo. That was another thing you hated about space was Earth's contribution to its pollution. Unknowingly, you two had deviated from the usual course by a few miles, leading you two into a dangerous situation. Whether it was the fault of his navigation equipment or his lack of focus you didn't know, but it took a couple of minutes of evading space junk before you two could breathe a sigh of relief. And at the first opportunity, he switched the ship back to autopilot. "I'm s-sorry about that. I'm usually a better driver." he started, scratching the back of his neck as he glanced out the window in search of an answer in the emptiness of space. You couldn't see anything except for a few stars and the Earth straight ahead, but you had a feeling that where he was looking was somewhere you couldn't see. When he was ready, he turned around in his seat to glance at you, but then quickly turned back to face the steering wheel. How odd. "T-t-to answer your question," he stammered. "y-you're not thinking too much. I've just been distracted."

"Oh, okay."

"Are y-you alright? Nothing hurts does it?"

"I mean, other than feeling wide awake now, no harm was done I guess, but what happened? It isn't like you to let your mind wander while we're out here. Rick, would you like me to take over the wheel so you can straighten out your thoughts?"

"No, it's not - I can do it. I got this."

"Are you sure?"

"Mhm, as long as I-I focus on the wheel."

He hadn't really answered your original question, but since you guys nearly avoided death, it probably wasn't a good time.

________

He parked the ship in his garage, and since it wasn't that late, you two walked over to your home. Rick hadn't said much since earlier, but you figured he'd let you know what was bothering him later. As soon as you crossed the threshold of your home, you started a pot of coffee for Rick to drink when it was ready. Then, you got a blanket from the closet and offered it to him just in case he was cold, but he didn't care for one. He was still in a mood, and you wondered if the reason you'd upset him was that you were still wearing his sweater. "You probably want this back right?"

Slipping out of his sweater and labcoat, you felt the temperature difference immediately and took up the blanket you had taken out and wrapped it around yourself. "Thanks for letting me borrow them. I'll be sure to pack something with me next time."

"I'm n-not sure if that's such a-a good idea." he said with seriousness.

"What do you mean?"

The lines around his eyes deepened, as well as the creases of his forehead, and there was a pensive cloudiness of his usually electric blues. Frustrated, he bit down on his lip almost hard enough to make it bleed. "B-because it's distracting."

"What?"

He continued. "I-I should've brought you home first or gotten the parts a different time."

"But I thought you wanted help." you sniffled.

"Y-you don't understand."

"What's there to understand?" you retorted; sinking into the couch as tears stung the back of your eyes, and threatened to come out. "You...you don't want me to help you anymore? I thought we were a team."

Your saddened state shifted his sour mood, and he apologized. "Gosh, please don't cry mi corazón, I-I didn't mean it."

"But you sai-"

"I'm not upset at you," he reassured you. "I'm disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen. I've become complacent and I-I should've been prepared. You could've gotten sick, hurt, or worse just because I got distracted. Next time I'll bring you your own sweater and snacks or whatever you want."

"Is it because you don't want me wearing yours? Did I ruin it or something?"

"No, it's because," he swallowed, unsure how to broach the subject. "cuando lo usas, es… es apretado."

What? You understood the part where he said you used it, but not the rest. Pulling out your phone from your pocket, you asked Google what all of that just meant, but the answer you got didn't help. "Rick, should I be offended?"

"I-I hope not. I promise it's not what you're thinking."

"Then what is it? I'm not getting any clear answers here."

"I um - I'm sorry if I offended you. It's not what I intended to do. I know what I'm about t-to tell you sounds silly since I had hoped I'd outgrow this, but I still feel shy around you."

This much you did know. He was overly conscious of himself, his actions, and how he might disappoint or be lacking, but most of all was hateful of his own inadequacies. Yet, for where he found fault, you found virtue and you would remind him of that, but in this case, you simply needed to listen. "That's okay, I already knew that."

"I don't feel like that all the time, but today I got embarrassed all of a sudden. I-I don't know what happened. Y-you were wearing my clothes and I saw your silhouette in the starlight and I got nervous."

Huh? That's what was bothering him?

"Why?"

"It um - it made me wonder what it'd be like if we lived together and…oh, it's embarrassing."

The hand which he had resting on the couch gripped the fabric tightly, and he was mortified because he had been distracted by you; which under normal circumstances he'd be able to remain calm. Covering his hand with yours, you gave him a squeeze."No, I would like to hear what you were thinking about very much."

Lacing his fingers with yours, you two sat there for a matter of minutes as he gathered his thoughts together. When he calmed a little, he confessed. "I thought about what it'd be like t-to wake up right next t-to you and not be alone anymore. I-I think about it a lot."

"Oh." That hadn't been what you expected. However, was it really so strange? He had intended to propose months ago, but ever since the moment had been spoiled he hadn't attempted to try again; if it had gone well, you two might've been married by now. Though, who was to say he didn't dream of it? Of what he'd always wanted, of a family or of the life in which he needed? Perhaps gentle encouragement wouldn't hurt.

"You know," you responded with a serious, but gentle candor. "you're not the only one who thinks about us living together. I'm very happy here and I love what we do together. And although we've had times where we respected one another's space, I don't mind if that changes. However, there are things that aren't so simple. For example, if I would've known that I could borrow your clothes whenever I liked I would've done so more often. Though, only if you hadn't been concerned about me getting accidentally poisoned by chemicals or radiation. Remember that time you literally fought with the laundry?"

"I do remember," he answered wistfully. "it's what prompted me t-to teach you how to use the freeze ray and laser gun correctly."

"I think the longer we're together, the more our lives will intertwine. Meaning, the more we move forward, the more training I'm going to need to fit into this lifestyle of ours. I think I'm going to need a portable scanner that'll allow me to check your clothes before I think of putting them on."

With serious, but tender eyes, he studied you. Then, he picked up his sweater which sat between you two and wondered. "Y-you want to wear my clothes? A great deal of them have seen better days. Are y-you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure," you brightened. "because I love the way your clothes smell. If you were away, it'd make me think of you and it...I don't know, makes us seem more domestic. Is that along the lines of what you were thinking?"

"Y-yeah."

"Cool. Glad to know we're on the same page."

Relieved, he pressed a kiss to your temple and seemed ready for that cup of coffee. And as you stood, ready to head to the kitchen to prepare it for him, you mentioned. "And by the way, I gotta tell you something important."

"Gee, what is that?"

Striking a pose, you made him chuckle; that was a good sign. "That it's totally cool to be into me and check me out. I don't mind, and it makes me happy that I know what it takes to catch your eye. However, there's an exception: when we're driving around in space, where anything could kill us, we gotta keep our eyes on the space around us unless on autopilot. Only then," you winked. "might it be okay to be a little distracted."

Fin

[hoodoo12]

That Was How

I had this very nice request, and wrote it up.  hello would a story about the bartender meeting the original c-137 rick be ok? Because i'm curious as to how she knew about him and the mind erasing so maybe some backstory?

Anon, I hope you’re still around. I enjoyed writing some backstory very much, and it ties in to some information in an older story called What Evil Lurks in the Heart of Rick.

SFW, Rick c-137/Bartender

⁂

You’d been working in this dive bar for a while now. Nothing fancy, nothing hip; just pulling taps and serving the occasional mixed drink if a tourist accidently wandered in. It was dark and smelled of old cigarettes from the time before smoking wasn’t allowed in public places. You were mostly content.

There were regulars who you knew by name. You liked your job, but some times, you got an itch to do something. Be something more. Your options were limited, however, so you didn’t.

“Hey. I think that guy’s pukin’ in the restroom,” Rob, one of the regulars who shuffled in after his shift so he didn’t have to go home and deal with his family, announced unnecessarily.

You had heard, and the retching from the restroom seemed amplified.

You groaned.

“I’ll give you a free beer to check on him,” you offered hopefully.

“You know you ain’t allowed to give out free beers!”

Frowning, you had to nod. The owner of the place had threatened to terminate you when he found out you’d occasionally given away product to the people who spent a lot of their time here. “They’ll pay for it,” he’d yelled. “Don’t give it away!”

Rob smiled drunkenly at you. “If you pay for another pint, I’ll go . . .”

Your salary didn’t allow you to be that altruistic.

“Never mind,” you sighed, wiping your hands on one of the towels under the bar. “I’ll go see how he is.”

Rob waved at you as you left your workspace. Walking to the establishment’s only restroom, the retching hadn’t stopped. You knocked on the door, lightly. “Hey. Hey. You okay in there?” you asked with your head near the crack between door and doorframe.

Your answer was another bout of retching and the unmistakable sound of liquids hitting the water in the toilet.

“At least he’s not pukin’ on the floor!” Rob called to you gleefully.

Thank heaven for small favors, you guessed. Out loud, you said, “You need help?”

There was a groan in response.

Steeling yourself, you grabbed the doorknob and found it wasn’t locked. Although you half-hoped it would be so maybe the guy inside would have the chance to right himself, at least you wouldn’t have to get out the toolkit and unscrew it to get in. You weren’t incredibly happy about barging in on a vomiting man--that was nowhere in your job description!--but having someone pass out and choke on their own puke wouldn’t be a great alternative either.

“I’m coming in,” you announced.

You followed through, and found the old lanky guy who’d stumbled into the bar earlier hugging the toilet. He’d filled the bowl with pure bile-colored liquid; in your experience you knew that meant he’d been taking in only alcohol for a while, with no food in his stomach to help absorb it.

He looked haggard and pale; his eyes bloodshot and sunken. He had strings of yellow drool dangling from his lower lip. When he picked his head up to look at you, he wiped the back of his forearm and hand across his chin, and managed to smear some of the drool into his hair. Before you could move further into the room, he lifted himself upward enough to vomit into the toilet bowl once more.

When he sat back down on the floor with a groan, some of his color had returned.

“Gotta purge that swill they call Plutonian vodka,” he croaked, as he gave you a weak smile and a wink.

That was how you met Rick Sanchez.

⁂

You’d helped him clean up a little after his little evacuation in the bar’s toilet by offering him actual cloth towels instead of the cheap paper ones available that disintegrated on contact with water. He wiped his face; you swallowed your gorge and wiped his hair. Then you held his arm to assist him back to a bar stool and gave him a glass of water.

He scowled at that and requested a shot of vodka, neat.

“N-n-none of that Plutonian shit!” he’d demanded, as if you acted like you even knew what the hell he was talking about.

Gently you nudged the glass of water closer to him. He stared you down; you stared back, and he finally took it, although he coughed through the first few swallows. Then he asked again for that shot of vodka, pretty please.

Rob looked like he was going to say something. Come to your defense, maybe? Recommend the guy get the hell out? Call the cops? But at the first syllable that tried to come of out his mouth, the old guy whipped around and scowled so hard at him Rob choked off whatever he had thought to say. You saw the new guy’s free arm tense, a little, and Rob glance down.

Your regular customer gulped and in a rush of movement, he pushed away from the bar and stammered he had to get home. He threw a handful of bills on the bar and was gone before you knew it.

The new guy watched him go with narrowed eyes. You had no idea what just happened or what Rob may have seen out of your line of sight on the other side of the bar. Once Rob was gone for good, he turned back to you with a wide smile.

“What’d’ya say, baby? Set me up a drink and I’ll buy you one too.”

You find this guy in the bathroom, puking his guts out, wipe vomit out of his hair; he does something to intimidate a regular patron of this place; and now he wants to buy you a drink? What was next, him crashing on your couch?

Yes. That’s exactly what happened next.

You took him up on his offer to have a single drink with him. He launched into a wild story about his life. None of it made much sense, but he didn’t seem the kind of crazy that was going to end up stabbing you; he seemed the kind of crazy that was full of fun and adventure. He had to be an author. No other person could com up with the outrageous stories he told you. 

When he mentioned that he’d been drifting from place to place recently and was looking for somewhere to crash for the night, you did suggest your couch.  With a smug grin like he’d been waiting for you to offer, he took you up on it.

That was how Rick Sanchez came into your life.

⁂

He wandered in and out of your life randomly. He’d show up at the bar. Occasionally you found him snoring on your couch when you came home. There was never any rhyme or reason to when he would arrive, and he sometimes just disappeared again without explanation either.

Once, when you pinned him down enough to at least have breakfast with you, you mentioned you’d love to read one of his books sometime.

“Books?” he replied, completely baffled.

“Yeah. Can you give me a title or two?”

With his forkful of pancakes halfway to his mouth, he frowned. “I don’t know what the-what the fuck you’re talking about.”

“Your books!” you said in exasperation, as if repeating it was going to make it clear. “All these stories you’re telling me? About different planets and different booze and the interdimensional travel--you have the whole world-building down to an art! Is it like a series or are there standalone novels? Tell me where to start, I can’t wait to read them!”

Rick set his food back onto his plate in a deliberate motion.

“You think that I-I-I am making up everything I’m telling you?” he said in a low, even voice.

You’d never seen him so serious, but you laughed anyway. “Yes! Of course!”

He scowled.

“You’re an idiot,” he announced, and reaching over the table, he grabbed your wrist and dragged you to your feet.

As you cried out in scared protest, Rick pulled a device from the inside of his lab coat and from it, produced a swirling green and yellow circle of opaque light. Ignoring your fright and confusion, he pulled you through it into another world.

That was how your adventures with Rick Sanchez started.

⁂

His visits were still erratic, but when he did deign to take you with him, he showed you things you couldn’t have imagined. Rick was your guide from one end of the galaxy to the next; he escorted you into new dimensions filled with wonder and horror. You visited with unique people living nothing like you’d ever seen. You saw worlds that were nothing like anything on Earth.

You drank with Rick at a hundred different alien bars. You accompanied him to places he had to do ‘business’. Although full of contempt that you were such a tourist and a rube, he introduced you to so much more than your entire life could have been.

You discovered that your life was not even a speck of dust in the scheme of the universe, but instead of being crushed by the knowledge, you only wanted to learn and see more.

You’d become conditioned to get excited at the sound of a portal. You looked forward to seeing his unruly blue hair and boney build. You imagined what it would be like to hug him. You had dreams about what it would be like to be naked with him, in your bed.

That was how you fell in love with Rick Sanchez.

⁂

When you realized that you had deeper feelings for him, you were giddy and nervous and moonstruck. You’d never imagined yourself with an older man; you’d never imagined yourself meeting someone in such a random way who would mean so much to you.

You were just being silly, weren’t you? You couldn’t have fallen in love with this guy who just showed up out of nowhere. Right? It was just the thrill of going on adventures. It was just the idea that he singled you out. Right?! There was no way you were thinking about a serious relationship with him!

The two of you hadn’t slept together. You hadn’t even shared a bed; every time he crashed at your place he passed out on your couch! You’d never had a kiss, never had any intimate touching unless you counted when you held his elbow to help him out of the restroom at the bar.  Rick had never brought up anything of the sort; in fact he scoffed and derided any couple you happened to see on your travels. You’d heard his rant about ‘relationships’ and ‘biological need to breed’ more than once.

But you couldn’t deny that you got a thrill in your stomach whenever he showed up. You knew you were flushed around him, you could feel the heat in your cheeks and your palms felt damp. Sometimes it was hard to hear what he was saying over your pulse pounding in your ears, and the times you were close enough to smell him, it was intoxicating.

You knew he wasn’t celibate. You hoped he wasn’t celibate! Firmly you told yourself the next time he showed up, wanting a place to sleep for the night, you were going to take him to bed. You were going to show him what you thought of him. You were going to give him the best sex of his life!

When he did arrive--unannounced, as usual--at your small apartment two weeks later, he was harried. He was preoccupied and anxious. None of those three things were anything you’d associate with Rick.

Still, you gave him the drink he asked for and, steeling yourself, you told him you wanted to talk to him about something important.

He downed the tumbler of vodka you’d handed him, belched, and took your hand.

“No-no, I’ve got to, I’ve got to--there’s something I have t-to tell you first, baby,” he said.

His touch made butterflies float in your stomach; his words tied them up in knots.

“This is impor-important,” he insisted. “I should’ve told you this a long time ago.”

Your breath caught in your throat. You were glad you opted for a matching, lacy bra and panty set today, because you couldn’t wait for Rick to see you in them, and then for his large hands to strip them from you.

“I’m in big trouble,” Rick continued feverishly, “and I think you are too.”

With no further explanation, he opened a portal and took you someplace new.

It was an apartment. It was only slightly bigger than the one you’d left, and maybe slightly nicer. You looked around, wondering if this was his place finally.

“I hope this is okay. I think it’ll be okay,” he said.

“What?”

Rick waved off your question. “I’ve paid for it, but there’s a monthly fee, like a home owner’s fee you’ll have to cover. There’s amenities like a pool and shit on the first floor, and a grocer’s and stuff nearby. It’ll be perfect for you.”

“Rick, what are you talking about?”

“I got you some clothes and stuff too. In the cl-closet. And extra towels and sheets. I know you like the heavy sheets with the high thread count. I snooped around your place. I know how creepy that sounds.”

None of this made any sense, and your arousal was starting to sour to fear. “Rick--?”

“Come on, I-I-I’ve got something else to show you.”

Before you could protest, he pulled your through another portal.

You stepped out onto a rocky plateau. You could breathe, but the atmosphere was thin because the stars in the sky were crystal clear and it was almost too cold. There was no vegetation. Straining your eyes, you could see the edge of it as well. This wasn’t even a planetoid, this was a desolate chunk of rock drifting through space.

You realized you could see your shadow blinking on and off from a yellow light behind you. Turning, you saw a single building with a flashing neon sign. The words were written in an alien language, but as you stared at them, they started to morph into something you could read.

Before you could fully make them out, however, Rick took your shoulders and turned you to him. 

“I am so sorry, baby,” he said, and he sounded genuinely upset. “The Feds are after me. They got pretty fucking close this time--”

“The Feds?” you interrupted, your gaze inadvertently drawn back to the sign you could almost read now.

“The Galactic Federation!” he said angrily, but that didn’t actually explain anything. “They’re hot on my goddamn tail, and I’m going to have to lay low to shake them off.”

His barely controlled panic finally, really, caught your attention. “What do you mean? What are you talking about, Rick?”

“I’m going to have to live with my family,” he replied, as if that made any sense either. “That’ll keep me safe. But I think you’ve been seen with me, so you may be under surveillance--you might be taken and questioned about me, and that-that . . . that just can’t happen.  The apartment? It’s yours now. They don’t know about it. You should be safe there. And this place? It’s neutral. It’s outside the Federation. I put in a good word for you. I think you’ll like it.”

Unbidden, tears formed in your eyes. “Rick, I don’t understand what you’re saying!”

For the first time since you’d met him, Rick looked remorseful. “I’m sorry, baby.”

From his inside pocket, where he kept his portal gun, he extracted a new device. It was larger and unwieldy, and looked held together with zip ties and some duct tape. He pointed it at you, told you he was sorry again even as you begged him to give you real answers, even as you told him you didn’t care what kind of trouble he was in, you just wanted to be with him, that you thought you loved him, no, please, Rick, please--and you were blinded by a white light as he pulled the trigger.

The world went blank.

When you were finally able to see again, an old man in a lab coat was standing over you, cursing at some unknown piece of equipment in his hand that was smoking and throwing sparks randomly.

“Fucking prototype!” he cursed. “Goddamn piece of shit, falling apart when the fucking trigger was pulled--”

You groaned.

The sound you made drew his attention to you.

“Oh, hey, you okay?” he asked. He sounded like he was feigning concern. “That was some tumble you took!”

He offered you a hand, which you accepted. A tiny thrill nestled in your belly as you stood, but you also felt dizzy. His hand was cool and dry, and even upright, he was much taller than you. His hair was wild spikes of blue, and he wiped a bit of drool off his lower lip. There was an itch in your brain, like some part of you recognized him.

“Do I know you?” you asked, puzzled.

His eyes shifted away from you. “Uh, n-no. Nope! I just happened by when you fell. Here, this key fell out of your pocket. Looks like an apartment key? I had one like that once. The button on top gets you home.”

You accepted it. It did look like a key to a door, and you had to just nod about the button, because there didn’t seem to be any other way to get off this rock.

“And, uh. You said you had an interview. At the Bar?” he continued, waving a hand at the building.

You looked to where he indicated. “The Bar At The End of The Universe”, the yellow neon sign flashed on its roof.

“Yeah, I guess,” you agreed slowly.  You must have hit your head when you fell, because everything was a little blank, but that had to be right. Why else would you be here?

“Well, good luck!” he said, giving you a little push and a nod. A strained smile stretched his face.

“Yeah, okay, thanks.”

You started off towards the door. You had the unmistakable feeling that he was watching you go. When you turned around, you were right.

Still puzzled, you called, “Are you sure I don’t know you?”

The smile, as forced as it was, faded from his face. He looked upset and guilty, but you had no idea why that would be. He just looked so familiar, but he replied quietly,

“No, baby, you don’t know me.”

With that, he waved you on. You studied him a moment more, sure you’d seen him somewhere else, but finally felt awkward enough that you continued to the Bar. You opened the door and walked inside, immediately greeted by a four-armed bouncer who asked your age. Telling him you were here for an interview, he looked you over and directed you to the management.

“We are looking for a new bartender!” you were told. “Rick c-137 put in a good word for you!”

“Rick . . .?” you whispered, mostly to yourself.

“Oh, don’t worry,” you were assured. “He doesn’t come here very often. We get lots of other . . . guests, though.”

The staff who were standing around snickered at that, but you figured that since this was a watering hole for all sorts of aliens, it didn’t mean much.

“With that recommendation, and if you want the job, it’s yours.”

There was a niggling in the back of your mind about this “Rick c-137”, like there was something just out of memory’s reach, but that was neither here nor there at the moment. You warmed to this. You needed a job, and you knew you could bartend, so why not someplace like this?

“I’m Yvonne,” you said, smiling and offering a hand to shake. “People call me You.”

That was how you got a job at The Bar At the End of the Universe.

fin.

[andrewmoocow]

Fooly Falls 2 Ride on Shooting Star chapter 3: Beach Episodes for the Win! (originally posted on March 28, 2019)

AN: Now this is where things will get pretty deep. We already got hints of Haruko's past last chapter, plus the confirmation that she ran into Rick Sanchez at some point in that past. But that leaves the question: will there be an adaptation of FLCL Alternative set in the Rick and Morty multiverse? Who knows? ZKDW ZDV VXSSRVHG WR EH D VXQQB EHDFK GDB VRRQ EHJDQ WR ORVH LWV ZDB. RQ DQ LVODQG LW OLHV KLGGHQ VHFUHWV WKDW ZHUH PHDQW WR EH IRUELGGHQ.

Gwen's next nightmare began when she found herself walking in a single file line with tons of other unfamiliar people in an even more unfamiliar place. "M-Mama, Daddy, Tyrone?!" she asked while quietly panicking over her current situation before her location changed from the crowd to a cruddy apartment. That was when she began to hear voices. "Do you realize what you have done Haruha?!" "Who said that?" Gwen wondered in response to the invisible male's stern voice. "Look at your father when he's talking to you Haruha!" A smacking sound soon followed. "Your slacking off and playing that infernal music nearly got us all in trouble! Either behave like every other girl on this godforsaken planet or never show your face around me again!" The moment Gwen closed her eyes in fear, she next found herself on a stage with various pitch black people clearly resembling shadows with an orange head glaring at her before it began to bellow "PLANET WASPRUS, SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!" Gwen winced for a moment while the audience watched patiently, begging her to get on with it as if they were fearing for their lives before she noticed her shadow in the spotlight. It was still the shape of a girl, yet her facial structure and hairstyle gave away who's eyes Gwen was viewing from. "Haruko?!" She then began to hear more voices, the three present sounding even more unfamiliar. "Aw shitballs you guys, we gotta run!" the first voice belched loudly as color-coded silhouettes of a human man, a birdlike creature and a bipedal feline became more opaque. "Running from what? The Galactic Space Patrol Brotherhood, the Cromulons or Medical Mechanica?!" a second more high-pitched voice responded that sounded like a character from one of the old cartoons Soos loved. "All of the above!" "And it's not just them. Look." the final voice stoically added pointing to the sky. A gigantic red phoenix with a wingspan that encompassed the entire planet of Wasprus suddenly appeared, startling the large head. "IT SEEMS WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST DISQUALIFIER THIS EPISODE!" it boomed. "LEGENDARY PIRATE KING ATOMSK, SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT!" The Pirate King flapped its wings, slowly tearing the planet apart as Gwen continued staring at it. There was something majestic about the bird's appearance that made her slowly step forward. Her hair began turning pink and she started reaching out to the bird while the belching man's voice sounded once more. "Don't do it babe, that's Atomsk! His power will seriously screw with your head!" Suddenly, a chibi version of Jinyu landed right in front of her. "I tried to warn you!" she scolded in a squeaky voice. As more chibi Jinyus fell from the sky, Gwen came closer to Atomsk as it looked down on her and screeched loudly. That was what caused the girl to finally awaken with a jerk. Gwen panted quietly clinging onto her bedsheets as she looked around her and Tyrone's room. "What's with these dreams lately?" she pondered before another voice was heard, this one she could recognize from miles away. "BEACH DAY, BEACH DAY, BEACH DAY, BEACH DAY!" Tyrone excitedly burst into their room and ran around for a bit before pouncing his older sister while she continued to lay in bed. "Come on Gwen, beach day!" "Oh right." his older sister muttered. "Beach day."

"So Ezra, what do you think of my new bikini?" Leia asked Ezra showing off her school swimsuit themed two-piece. "Please just stop with this." Ezra responded turning away in embarrassment. "I have far more important things to do, like stare out into the distance." "I think that blue is really your color!" Tyrone complimented the older girl. "Though I don't see the point of the big nametag on the top." The Pines and Ramirez familes have decided on a day at Lake Gravity Falls's beach with Haruko, Jinyu and the Chius along for the ride. However Ford was not present on account on having someone over while they were having some fun in the sun. "Okay Arnold, today marks your first day of manhood!" Juan announced rubbing Arnold's shoulders while Jorge stood by with a bottle of sunscreen in hand. "One of the most important aspects of being a man is being brave around total jalapenas like Haruko over there!" As he set the stage for the lesson, Haruko laid down in a beach chair with a cold drink in hand catching some rays in a rather skimpy bikini. "Or maybe baes like Jinyu!" Jorge added pointing to the other guitar player building sandcastles with Melody, Imelda and Abby. Arnold just blinked for a bit before asking "Okay, what did you just say?" "We're workshopping new slang that I'm sure will become the talk of the town within a few days." Juan answered taking the sunscreen away from his brother to hand to the Northwest boy. "Anyway, the best way to get a girl on the beach to have the hots for you is to give them a very good applying of the good ol' sunscreen. But it's your choice bro." "You could either go for them or maybe a certain other duo." Jorge added. "Grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more!" "I know you two have a crush on both my moms! Can you two not creep me out like that?!" Arnold yelped fumbling with the sunblock. "Hey, who's at fault for making Pacifica so extra thicc?" Juan argued before Haruko called the three boys over. "Yoo-hoo, young male friends! Does one of you want to help this jalapena put on sunscreen?" "This is your chance young grasshopper. Go to her." Jorge beckoned their student in manliness. As the two boys proudly watched him awkwardly step forward, Stan on the other hand was stewing in his wheelchair. "Don't get a nosebleed Stanley, don't be like those old anime men who lust after any female that moves!" he commanded himself. "Don't do it, don't do it! Aw, here it comes." Thankfully for Stan, blood didn't fly out his nose. But instead, his own heart started acting up and made him fall out of the chair onto the sand. "Still better than a nosebleed." "Oh my God, Stan!" Dipper cried as he and Mabel raced to their great-uncle's side. "Are you alright?" he asked. "I'm fine Dipper, simply failed to resist looking like a horny senior." Stan answered while his speech was muffled by the sand. "Think I might need to get outta the sun for a while." "Here Grunkle Stan, just sit down with Gwen and you'll be just fine." Mabel stated guiding the con-man to a table where Gwen was sitting in the shade. "Women. Am I right Gwen?" Stan snarked to his great-great niece. "By the way, where's Ford at?" "Stanford said he'll catch up with us later." Jinyu answered appearing from behind. "He just has some business to attend to."

"So Mr. Kanda, what is your history with Raharu?" Ford asked his new friend Tsukata Kanda in his laboratory. "I remember her quite well from when I was a boy." Kanda stated. "She quite literally crashed into my life and pulled a variety of things outta me, but the only one I kept was this." The agent reached into his jacket and out of it came a small squirt gun. "A water gun? How quaint." Ford commented examining the toy. "My great-nephew and great-great niece had giant robots and guitars come out of their noggins." "Then they must be lucky. Their heads must be ripe with N.O energy for her to use." Tsukata explained. "Use to become strong enough to find the Pirate King and take him back from Medical Mechanica." "That's what I've always wondered about her ever since she first met my family." Ford added. "What's her deal with Atomsk and where did she come from? Is she even from this dimension?" "Dimension?" Kanda wondered before Ford pulled out that old photo of him with Rick. "As it turns out, she may have encountered one Rick Sanchez at some point in her life which would explain her sociopathic behavior; as Rick here is a wanted criminal across multiple universes." "So you're implying she might not be of this world?" the Department of Interstellar Immigration agent continued. "I have no idea either." Ford answered with his shoulders slumping in confusion. "But from what I've gathered, she's become more villainous since we last met. We need to keep the kids on high alert should she ever try anything funny."

"Wow, Arnie sure is taking his sweet time." Jorge commented gazing at his watch as Arnold pretty much started slowly crawling on the sand before he realized what time it was. "Hey Juan, don't you have a girlfriend coming to see us?" "Wait, when did Juan get a girlfriend?" Tyrone asked catching the twins' attention as Juan began panicking. "Beneath all that silliness, you're a sweet guy but when did that ever become a thing?" "I am terribly sorry my brotherhood of man!" Juan exclaimed nervously. "I've just nearly lost track of the time!" He then proceeded to run away from the beach at high speeds. "This way fellow knights of masculinity, follow me!" With the three boys running away followed by Arnold deciding to just give up and cower under the shade, Haruko simply shrugged. "Talk about toast not being good in milk." the Vespa Woman snarked. "Hey Gwen, wanna do it for Shaggy over there?" Dipper and Jinyu were quick to defend the younger girl from the former housekeeper's advances. "I'm fine with either you or Jinyu doing it as well, Pine Tree." the orange-haired woman added smiling, causing Dipper to turn redder than blood. Meanwhile the bus had dropped off a young girl around Juan & Jorge's age who had blue hair, a white knee-length dress, a red jewel pendant, green diamond earrings, matching hair-bow and a flower pot in her hands. "Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend!" Juan declared. "This is Aiko." He then lowered his voice for Aiko. "Come on sweetie, say something." "Uh, hello there. My name's Aiko and I'm dating your friend Juan here." Aiko muttered nervously before she hid her face behind her flower pot. "Haha, she's perfect!" Juan laughed pridefully. "What a beautiful lady! She doesn't drink, swear or sweat! A perfect cinnamon roll as they once referred to people like her!" "My name's Tyrone, a friend of your boyfriend. Hey, nice flower pot you got there." Tyrone introduced himself and complimented Aiko's pot. "You like gardening? I kinda like gardening too." he stated trying to find some common ground between the two. "Uh, yeah." Aiko answered. "So tell us Aiko, what made you want to date my brother?" Juan asked her as the four began walking back to the beach. "What qualities do you find attractive?" "Well I just really like him, that's all!" Aiko responded with a squeak. "Oh, I'm so embarrassed!" She hid herself behind the flower pot again making Juan laugh. "So why did you bring that flower pot here?" Tyrone asked again. "It's my emotional support plant." the flower girl answered shyly. "It may not look like it, but this was very expensive." "See, what did I tell you?! So precious!" Juan cackled loudly. "Oh don't say that Juannie, it's embarrassing!" Aiko blushed with a giggle.

Back at the beach, Jinyu had been nominated to put sunscreen on Haruko. Or so she thought, as the Vespa Woman recoiled upon feeling the solution on her back. "So oily! What SPF is this?!" she cried frantically rubbing herself. Jinyu just gazed at the bottle in her hands and read the label. "Oh, it's tanning oil." "It's what?!" Raharu shouted as her skin suddenly turned a golden tan. "Haha, oldest trick in the book!" Stan applauded with a booming laugh. "Up top!" He held up his hand for Jinyu to give him a high-five, but didn't receive any. "Come on, I just want to feel like I accomplished something with someone as a team!" Jinyu rolled her eyes and returned the high-five. "Yes!" "You're all still holding a grudge I see." Haruko commented. "Just for the past three weeks." Dipper stated scowling. "You were stalking us at Greasy's where we went out to lunch, in the streets and even in Gwen's room! This is nothing!" "You've already gotten what you wanted once before." Jinyu added. "It's time you just gave it all up. Quit it already." "No way." the Vespa Woman declared. "I need to fulfill my wish in order to fulfill my-" She was suddenly interrupted by a volleyball to the face thrown by Aiko jumping for joy while the Ramirez children, Candy, Ezra, Wendy and Mabel stood by. "How embarrassing!" The ball was tossed into the air and Haruko jumped high preparing for a spike. "ATTACK NUMBER...ichi." she shouted smacking the ball downward and crashing it into the sand, blinding everyone. "So, why don't we all call it a truce now?" she offered to Jinyu, Dipper and the Stans before joining the game. "Ready or not, I'm gonna come at you all!" "Yeesh, talk about unsubtle." Dipper snarked before the two heard Gwen approach. "That woman over there, what does she want?" Gwen wondered as they watched Haruko toss volleyballs from above at rapid fire speed. Jinyu gave her answer, as stoic as ever. "That woman's the same as me." "Who wants to go next?!" Jinyu's other half challenged making funny noises into a megaphone. "Uh Jinyu. What is it that you want?" the daughter of Dipper asked the Bel-Air driver. "I was once with someone amazing." the older woman answered. "He was big, strong, and simply amazing. With him, one could simply fly around anywhere in space and live forever. But then, he suddenly disappeared; he abandoned me." "We're talking about the bird guy, right?" Stan interjected. "I said it once, and I'll say it again: dead bird reproductive organs taste terrible!" "Not now Stan." Dipper cringed at the thought of it. "Aw come on kid, you really think I was expecting it to taste like frozen peas?!" his great-uncle complained before Jinyu cut them both off. "As I was saying, it turns out in the end I just wasn't his equal." she continued. "I'm not enough for him. At least, not by myself. And yet we still continue to look for him." "We?" Gwen asked as her father put a hand on her head. "She means Haruko sweetie." Mason stated. "Right Dipper. You chase something because you simply can't catch it. Want to touch it, but you know you can't." Jinyu responded before she turned to Gwen. "You must've experienced something like that in your life, correct?" "You're asking what I really want?" Gwen muttered in surprise. She pondered for a moment before Arnold gave an impressive receive to Tyrone, who retaliated with a spike. "All I want is for me and my family to be safe." she muttered picking up the ball after it rolled to her feet.

Throughout the rest of the day, everybody spent their fun in the sun playing volleyball, eating barbecue, smashing watermelons, surfing and building sandcastles. Even Ford joined in when he finally arrived. "The blue spring of adolescence." Haruko remarked burying Jinyu in the sand with a shovel. "Perhaps this is an extension of our friendship, delayed adolescence if you will." "I'm content with you changing your mind about our relationship." Jinyu replied barely reacting to her other half plotting to get rid of her, even as Haruko began mixing cement. "But regardless, this still doesn't mean I'll let you use any of the children for your schemes. No point in fighting anymore." "Is that so?" Haruhara wondered. "Brainwashing suppression mechanism. They took extra measures ahead of time." Julia replied. "And she's got quite the geniuses to defend her when those fail." "You mean the nerd herd?" Haruko snipped before the two women turned their attention to most of the kids and adults working together on a particularly big sandcastle. Everyone was talking about how tall they can make it, except for Gwen who was perfectly silent as she picked up a crab fawning over a gold coin in its free claw. "By the way," Jinyu spoke again as she was now trapped in a concrete cocoon. "I fail to see the fun in this." "Oop, potty emergency!" Haruko chirped leaving the Jazzmaster woman encased in stone. "When you gotta go, you gotta go! AND I'M GOING!" "You need a lift there Jinyu?" Ford asked towering over the woman, and she quietly replied with "I am perfectly fine Stanford, but thanks anyway." As the kids continued working on the sandcastle, Gwen sat under the shade with Aiko and Ezra. "So, you not gonna swim in the ocean?" Aiko asked cheerfully to the dour girl. "No, no I'm not." Gwen moaned. "Then why even go to the beach if you're not going in the water? Do you have aquaphobia or something?" Ezra commented kicking his feet up on the table. "Better question is, what about you?" the younger girl in the cap replied. "Is it because of Leia?" "W-what gave you that idea you aesaekki?!" Ezra screeched in embarrassment as his face turned redder than Gwen's hair. "I don't know, you just seemed to blush at her swimsuit." Gwen remarked with a barely visible smirk. "Speaking of which, why didn't you bring yours Aiko?" "'Scuse me? That's just what Juan and I didn't agree to." Aiko grinned much to the two's confusion.

As the sun began to set, Juan & Jorge taught Arnold how to make a campfire while Aiko watched, Ian, Leia & Tyrone skipped stones, Ezra sat on a rock by himself and Imelda was getting ready to put Abby to bed. Meanwhile the adults chatted while Jinyu remained trapped in dry cement, with the waves gently taking her off the sand. "So now I have to use these sticks?" Arnold asked trying to light a fire with a pair of twigs. "Exactly my boy! You've been paying attention!" Juan exclaimed as their student in manliness rigorously rubbed the wood together to create a few sparks. "Hey, I'm doing it!" "You're doing amazing sweetie." Jorge congratulated Arnold before the sparks became a full ember. "Woohoo! Hey Aiko, over here!" Juan called to his girlfriend. "Do you think it's cool how much we've taught him?!" The flower pot girl beamed brightly before Dipper stepped toward the three boys. "Hey kids, have you seen Gwen anywhere?" "Beats me. And Haruko is gone too." Jorge responded. "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go find her!" Arnold shouted racing up and down the shore in search of his cousin. "Wait, Gwen is gone?!" Tyrone added just as concerned for his older sister. "We have to find her before nightfall. I'm getting worried sick." Dipper announced alerting everyone on the beach to the current situation. After an hour of searching, they regrouped at the table with no success. "Where could Gwen be?" Candy asked. "She couldn't have gone far, but we combed every last centimeter of the beach." Ford stated. "Then there's only one place left on this lake that we haven't touched yet," Stan theorized. "And that's Scuttlebutt Island." "Or as Mabel and I call it, Butt Island!" Soos interjected. "Oh you scallywag!" Mabel giggled. "Uh, excuse me." Aiko squeaked. "I still need to get home. Can someone walk me to the bus?" "Why I'd be Patrick Stewart to milady!" Juan politely exclaimed taking his girlfriend by the hand. "Aw, that's my little gentleman." Melody said grinning. "But on an unrelated note, how are we going to get there?" "I think I've got a plan guys." Jorge announced adjusting his sunglasses. "It's time to set sail on the SS Cool Dude II!" At the bus station, Aiko dropped her timid facade for a more harsh and stingy one as she said goodbye to Juan. "Just so we're clear, I'm being charged overtime! Are we clear?" she demanded. "I am terribly sorry." Juan moaned, which earned him a scoff. "Give it." "Uh, here." Juan whimpered handing Aiko a wad of dollar bills. When she snatched it, all the Ramirez boy got in return was her flower pot. "So, was the character I created to your liking?" Aiko asked examining her earnings. "Oh yes, positively adorable!" Juan answered excitedly before the driver announced the bus's oncoming departure. "Okay, all there." the girl stated hopping onboard. "You boys think girls who're only shy and timid are just so precious. And by the way, the pot is yours." "Oh, uh..." Juan stuttered at the thought before Aiko switched back to her character. "A present for you!" she chirped gleefully. "Thanks Aiko! I'm gonna take good care of this-" Juan responded gratefully when he was cut off. "No. No it wasn't. Let's just say that you exchanged the envelope for that. Wouldn't want people finding out that I'm a rent-a-date." "So I bought this from you!" Juan realized as the bus began to leave. "Bye or whatever." Aiko bluntly said farewell before the vehicle drove away, leaving her fake date in the dust. The boy's train of thought went off the rails when Jorge snuck up from behind him to his shock. "Hey bro, you wanna be pirates?"

"Yo-ho, yo-ho. A pirate's life for me." Tyrone, Juan, Jorge and Leia sang onboard the SS Cool Dude II that was now captained by Ford as it left Melody, Imelda, Abby and Candy on the beach. "An insect took our friend away from her hut, look out me hearties yo-ho. And whisked her away to the island of butts, look out me hearties yo-ho." "We've just set sail and I'm already feeling seasick." Ezra groaned growing tired of the singing while he and Arnold leaned over the back of the vessel. "But we still have to find Gwen." Arnold declared trying to be bold as he was suddenly cut off. "When you were a kid, did you ever draw pictures of fireworks while watching them with your family, only for it to be too late?" "W-who's there?" Arnold yipped in shock. "Wait, Jinyu?! Where are you?" he said looking around for the woman. "Do you know where Gwen is?" "You'd try to draw every last colored speck of light. But the only way to color the night sky itself was with just a black pencil." Jinyu continued monologuing. "They lit up the dark sky so beautifully with all the colors." "What does fireworks have to do with finding Gwen?!" Ezra shouted. "All beautiful things eventually fade away." That was when Arnold reminisced on the sandcastle they all built together. Turns out Gwen put on a small smile at that time. "LAND HO! LAND HO!" Ian roared when the Cool Dude II finally reached Scuttlebutt Island. "Weigh anchor everyone!" "Well, this is it." Dipper declared dropping the boat's anchor as the crew disembarked. "Everyone needs to stay sharp. There's no telling what awaits us here." As they marched onward toward the depths of the island, Jinyu washed up on shore just as a shooting star glimmered over her. "Oh, the first star."

"So why do they say three square meals a day anyway?" Tyrone asked while the group continued exploring the Scuttlebutt woods. "A square only has four sides and I have no idea where the meal part came from?" "Last I remember, it means eating well." Pacifica replied. "That makes sense, but what do squares have to do with it?" Tyrone continued. "Quiet everyone, I hear noises!" Ford alerted putting a stop to their sojourn. The noises in question were quite unusual, ranging from beavers chittering while chainsaws roared and dinosaurs snarled. "Dinosaurs, here?" "Oh no. How hot is it today?" Mabel groaned in wonder. The dinosaur stomped closer and closer until it revealed itself as a cute little T-rex that seemed around Tyrone's height with a peculiar red plate on its back, orange boots and a large snout. "Aw! Hey there little guy!" Juan said becoming amazed at how cute the little dinosaur was before it revealed its frog-like tongue that grabbed the boy by his ankle and swallowed him whole. "HELP ME!" "Oh my God, Juan!" Soos cried out shaking the dinosaur by its torso trying to free his son. The creature relented and laid an egg with green spots patterning it that hatched to reveal a traumatized Juan. "You okay there little dude?" "I think I learned what it's like to be reincarnated. And I also learned what flavor the universe is." Juan stuttered utterly astounded at the experience as the dinosaur walked away. "Really, what was it?" Jorge asked. "It was black licorice. Yeah, we're utterly doomed." his twin brother stated. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna lie down here and contemplate on how the platypus came to be. You all go on ahead." "Where did that thing come from?" Tyrone asked. "I think I know what." Ford stated taking a knee towards a toxic waste spill. "Radioactive ooze, classic!" Stan exclaimed. "And it's not just that. Look over there!" Dipper added as a colony of beavers with chainsaws for tails emerged chittering cutely. "Sweet, chainsaw-tailed beavers!" Leia cheered becoming distracted by the little critters. "Oop, stay back sis! They do have chainsaws for tails." Ian cautioned his younger sister. "Now let's not get too distracted, cause I feel all these freaks of nature must mean we're close." "Yep, I can definitely see a Medical Mechanica factory from here." Pacifica noted turning her gaze to a giant iron nearby. "When did that show up?" Wendy asked. "I honestly have no idea. Weren't they supposed to be done with Gravity Falls when Atomsk first showed up here?" Ezra wondered. "Though I have a strong feeling we'll be proven wrong soon enough." "No turning back now. Gwen is nearby." Dipper declared stepping further into the dark island forest. "Come on guys." While the others followed, Ford stayed behind to examine the waste before putting on some protective gloves to scoop it up in a beaker. "This should be useful." he muttered.

When they finally reached the Medical Mechanica plant stationed on Scuttlebutt Island, the factory was horrendously dilapidated and a small hole was there to serve as their makeshift entrance. "Okay, here's the plan everyone." Ian announced. "Me, Leia, Dipper, Mabel, Ford, Arnold, Pacifica & Wendy are gonna go in first while the rest of you serve as lookout. This could be a bumpy ride ahead of us." "Aw come on Ian, why can't Ford be lookout while I join you guys?" Stan complained. "If you switch us, I'll let you become your dad's successor!" he tried to barter with the eldest Ramirez son, but his offer fell on deaf ears as Ian snuck in first. "Time for me to put that fencing club practice to good use. And Leia, now might be a good time to whip out all you learned from the kickboxing class Stan signed you up for." "I came prepared." Leia grinned determinedly preparing to use her sarong as a whip. "Wish us luck Grunkle Stan." Mabel said to Stan before she joined her group in exploring the factory. "Oh just you all wait, I'm gonna maim her the hardest by the story's end." he grumbled. Ian's group tiptoed into the Medical Mechanica factory watching out for any sign of Gwen. "Just gotta be quiet everyone. No sudden movements." Dipper whispered just as he began hearing the voices of two familiar girls. One voice was struggling to escape while another must've been her captor. Upon hearing the voices, Dipper scooted to the source hiding behind a pair of large doors. "Let's get to know each other better." he listened in on Haruko as his daughter continued to struggle. The father yipped in fear for her safety and began to peer through the doors to get a closer look. "Everyone, over here." he signaled for the others to group up with him. "Oh no." "Let's get to know each other better." Haruko remarked towering over Gwen in a nurse's uniform. "Please stop." the younger girl whimpered before the Vespa Woman unbuttoned the Hawaiian shirt and the shorts she had on to reveal a pink, purple and white striped one piece underneath. "Oh my, looks like someone was planning on having fun today. Now tell me, where can I hit you so you can overflow?" "Overflow? What kinda hot garbage is she on about?" Leia wondered incredulously as they felt an enraged Dipper about to break down the doors. "Oh dammit, someone help me stop Mr. Pines before he makes a huge mistake and blows our cover!" she ordered trying to hold the father back from barging in, but was too late as he kicked down the doors screaming "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HER RAHARU?!" Arnold on the other hand got one good look at his captive cousin and made a bright green blob creature emerge from his forehead to everyone's shock. "What, it came outta him?" Haruhara muttered as the creature slithered for a bit before it faced Arnold. "I have no idea what you're supposed to be, but let me give you one command." he said. "Go save Gwen!" Back outside the factory, the rest of the Cool Dude crew awaited their teammates' return when a loopy Juan came wobbling towards them carrying a flower pot in his hands and a strange stone shape on his back. "Oh hey bro, you're back!" Jorge cheerfully greeted his twin. "How did contemplating the universe go?" "I just paid a visit to the Garden of Eden. And the apples were terrible!" Juan exclaimed shaking his head to relieve himself of his daze while planting the stone on the ground, revealing itself to be the same one that Jinyu was trapped in. "Where'd the flower pot come from? Was it a gift from your girlfriend when she dumped you?" Stan asked the pompadour boy, who then screamed at his brother "YOU TOLD THEM YOU IDIOT?!" "I cannot tell a lie!" Jorge quoted George Washington before bringing his brother close. "But I didn't tell them she was basically a callgirl." he whispered into his ear. "That's between you and me. We can Tony Hawk about it later." "Where are the kids?" Jinyu asked Soos. "Oh yeah dude, they just ran in there after Haruko to save Gwen." the former handyman replied brightly. "I'm sure things will be all hunky-dory by sunrise."

Meanwhile in a small house back at Gravity Falls, Aiko had arrived home to her father who was reading the papers. "Hey Aiko." Masurao asked the girl. "Do you know what happened to the flower pot that was in this room?" "No clue." Aiko fibbed going upstairs, prompting suspicion from her father before he put down his tabloids & shut the door behind him, and the room gave way to reveal various machinery hooked up to a screen with the eyepatched man on it. "This is codename Eyepatch." Eyepatch said. "Do you have an update?" "Actually, I have a slight problem." Masurao proclaimed. "What is it?" Eyepatch asked. "The flower pot seems to have gone missing. What about you and the others?" the capped male replied. "Tonkichi and I are waiting for the right moment to strike. But Kanda on the other hand was able to fish info from Stanford about that motorbike chick." Eyepatch explained making a picture of Haruko mindlessly picking her nose while giving a peace sign. "If what he says is true, she's not of this world and we got an interdimensional apocalypse on the horizon."

"So what species of flower is this supposed to be?" Ezra wondered examining the pot. "Doesn't seem like anything I've researched, so I assume it's just a simple weed." Suddenly the factory behind them exploded while Haruko soared high above it with Gwen in hand and Dipper, Mabel, Tyrone & Arnold clinging onto the green creature chasing after her. With a smirk, Haruko tossed the younger girl away to smack the beast with her bass and send it flying with another hit. "Hey, leave my niece alone you creep!" Mabel shrieked clinging onto the biker's front and giving her a hard slap across the face. Haruko returned the slap and it soon devolved into the two women flailing their hands at each other as they kept falling. As for the boys, they continued grabbing hold of the green blob while it continued going after the airborne Gwen. Thankfully they were able to catch her, but she landed face-first into Arnold's chest causing her cap to react and spawn a mass of wires & metals from her forehead that roped her in and absorbed all nearby metal, even the Medical Mechanica factory. "What the hell is going on now?!" Ian shouted while he, Leia, Pacifica, Ford and Wendy evacuated just in time. "More N.O." Ford declared looking up at the giant object above them. "We have to save Gwen quick before it gets any worse!" "G-Gwen." Arnold muttered in shock at the sight before him. "Sis." Tyrone added just as worried sick. Out of complete nowhere, the flower pot made a comeback by landing on Arnold's face and making him lose his grip on the creature. Dipper & Tyrone were sent flying as well due to the shockwave until the three Pines were rescued at the last moment by Jinyu's Bel-Air. "Listen Arnold, you are the only one that can save Gwen." Julia stated from the backseat of the car. "Back here." she called to the trio lying down in her cement confinement. "So that's where you've been!" Dipper exclaimed. "Not even going to ask how you ended up like this." he added before turning to the giant hunk of metal in the sky. "So that thing's got Gwen?" "We've seen some crazy stuff since you and Haruko came into our lives, but this is the last straw!" Arnold added fiercely. "You gotta help us Jinyu, please!" "If you are unable to draw fireworks; well then," Jinyu declared. "Try shooting one in the air!" Her shades twinkled before her limbs burst from the dry concrete and she stepped onto the hood of her car. "Do it again, as many times as you need!" The Bel-Air once more turned into a mech ready for another fight. "On second thought, maybe you should be one instead!" Jinyu exclaimed folding her arms in a similar matter to a certain fusion of a pair of buster machines before tossing Arnold her bass. "Aw yeah, this is amazing!" Raharu cheered mounting onto the green creature while it waved a white flag in defeat. She smacked its butt with her Mustang to make it fly further toward the machine holding Gwen captive before spotting the Bel-Air giving chase with Arnold standing on the hood with guitar in hand. Haruko wordlessly commanded the blob to fire from one of its hoses, but the Bel-Air blocked the energy spheres and the two charged. The nurse gave the transforming car a mighty smack on the arm and chased it once more. "Cream her Arnold, make your mothers proud!" Pacifica cheered her son on before realizing that Mabel was still falling. "Oh my god, Mabel!" she cried politely helping Stan out of his wheelchair so that she can use it to catch her wife. "COMING IN HOOOOOTTTTT!" Mabel hollered descending into the seat of her grunkle's chair. "And she sticks the landing! Thank you, thank you very much!" she declared to an invisible crowd before Pacifica grabbed her face to give her a big kiss. "Knew you'd come through honey." The blob continued firing at the Bel-Air, but thankfully Arnold refused to back down while Dipper was desperate to escape. "I can't take this anymore!" he screamed lighting up three cigarettes to calm his nerves. "Are you kidding dad?! BEST BEACH DAY EVER!" Tyrone shouted excitedly. Haruko on the other hand wasn't feeling the same way as she commanded the creature to once again fire, this time at one of the automobile's rocket boosters giving her an opening. "Hah, got you now!" Then suddenly, the metallic creature roared and whipped the Bel-Air away, ejecting Dipper & Arnold from it and the latter still armed with Jinyu's guitar. This would prove the perfect chance for the son of Mabel & Pacifica to land a fatal blow upon the beast, which led to Gwen finally being revealed. "Are you okay Gwen?! Say something!" Arnold cried for his unconscious cousin. "Oh no no no no! What am I going to do now?!" "Hmph, she doesn't have enough yet." Haruko suggested having already touched down behind the two on the green blob while it deflated. "Enough of what?" Arnold asked the older woman standing over them with her bass. "A tundra? Tsun-dora? Tsundere?" Haruhara muttered to herself before making her findings clear. "She's definitely one of those people." "Just shut up already Raharu!" Dipper snarled dusting himself off after a nasty landing before racing to his daughter's side. "Please wake up Gwennie! Please!" he exclaimed clutching the girl's shoulder which made her moan. "Saying her name ain't gonna help Pine Tree, let an old friend do the heavy lifting." Haruko lifted her guitar skyward ready to bludgeon Gwen, but Arnold had finally had enough. "Leave them alone!" he shouted shoving her away with tears in his eyes. "Aw." Haruko cooed putting down her string instrument and getting close to the boy. "Then take that hat offa her." she whispered into his ear. "Go on, don't be shy. No need to worry. Your voice will reach her." "Don't do it Arnold, it's a trap!" Jinyu called dropping Mabel, Pacifica, the Stans and Tyrone from her car just in time for it to be shot down. "Leave my son alone you maniac!" Pacifica growled, but the five were too late as Haruko sat down with Arnold in her arms. "You can reach it, it's deep inside of her." she continued toying with his arm. "Why don't we do it together, kay?" Arnold gasped, realizing what was happening, and made her back off. "I don't need your help! Let me help her myself!" he shouted defiantly reaching for the bobble of Gwen's cap. "Don't do it Arnold! You have no idea what will happen next!" Dipper cried to his nephew, but his words fell on deaf ears before the cap started whirring violently. Red sparks erupted from the girl's head as it felt like her hat was literally drilling itself into her skull. When all was said and done, Haruko rapidly tip-toed toward Gwen and attempted to remove her beanie from her head with little success. But what was successful was the fall of the metal creature as its pieces began falling into the lake before the eyes of everyone still on Scuttlebutt Island. As the Pines began to get up to see what was happening, they barely had time to react before the beast collapsed underneath them. When all the metal was completely submerged in the ocean, the sun rose and they were saved by Jinyu as she parked her car on the new metallic part of the island. "Come on Gwen, please come back to us!" Dipper cried trying to wake his daughter up one last time. "What is even going on?!" "I told you all not to touch that!" Jinyu cautioned the Pines just as the rest came racing toward them, along with Haruko freeing herself from the scrap. "That was perhaps the best dogfight I had ever seen." Soos commented. "Yeah, you both totally went Red Wedding on each other!" Juan added excitedly. "As in murdering hundreds of innocents, including a few pregnant women and their unborn children?" Ezra bluntly replied adjusting his glasses, prompting the two boys to remain silent. "Yeah, let's just drop the slang thang." Juan announced and Jorge quietly nodded. "The emergency system has been activated." Jinyu informed her other self. "And there's nothing you can do to stop it." "Aw geez!" Haruko complained. "Damn, they're so sneaky. Those schwifty bastards." she remarked staring up at the sky. "This is all because you tried to tempt my son." Pacifica coldly responded. "That's right, Hakama tried to..." Arnold tried to speak up before Gwen finally began to rise from her slumber. "W-where did she come from? H-h-here comes Gwen." "What did Arnold do to her?" Juan asked. "I do not want to know." Jorge replied just as puzzled. "Yeah, let's just keep this an enigma til next time." a raccoon with a strange accent suddenly appeared behind them. "Hehehehe, most of the characters in this story are SOOOO stupid!" "W-what the hell, where did he come from?! We didn't see him at all throughout this entire chapter!" Jorge cried in shock over the raccoon. "Ah yes, I'd like you to meet Bawuu, my new pet raccoon, or so he calls himself." Ezra introduced Bawuu while he perched on his shoulder. "He just showed up to me and declared that we should live together, because he claims most of the animals on the island are imbeciles. And I have a feeling he'll barely add anything to our adventures going forward." "Well, guess we got no other choice everyone." Stan announced. "You're right Stanley, we'll have to search for the makers of the hat. And it's not from some chic fashion joint." Jinyu added. "I suppose I'll just have to bust on in." Haruko remarked knowing what their next objective was. "Right," the white-haired woman replied. "our objectives may be different, but our target is still one in the same." Haruko just stared up at the sky for a moment in silence when she finally revealed the name of that target. "Medical Mechanica."

AN: At long last, chapter 3 is done! Apparently I'm just as talented at procrastinating as I am with everything else I'm good at. Ooh speaking of which, still need to finally get back to work on Gravity Soul! Until we meet again some sunny day everyone!

[littlemisskookie]

Dick and Mortified

Dick and Mortified Ship: MadScientist!Reader | FWB!Yoongi Description: Rick and Morty!AU | Your friend-with-benefits is dragged into a crack-like adventure to get Mars Argo, on a planet you’re wanted on. Warning: The humor is inappropriate/slightly offensive/really random/really stupid. Lots of dick jokes, like way too many. I’m not saying this is good, trust me, it’s basically a crack oneshot. But enjoy it anyway. Handjob, Blowjob, Intercourse, Dirty Talk, Cumplay, Masturbation Word Count: 6,647 A/N: This is far different from typical smut since it’s more like action/crack smut, and it’s a lot different from any of my other works, so don’t expect complex characters or eye-opening issues being brought to light, because I needed to write something light hearted that let me laugh. That being said if you don’t like the humor or jokes or just find it poorly done, then you’re free to leave. This was mainly for fun, especially after I binge-watched the show. Enjoy!

You and Yoongi were officially dubbed the title of friends with benefits, and though years ago he would’ve never so much as considered talking to you, he now found himself hooking up with you frequently, and more often than not being dragged away on adventures.

You were always seen as strange, eccentric even. You missed multiple classes, and at first, Yoongi simply assumed that you were one of those kids who was lazy and skipped many classes, perhaps up to shenanigans that had you being chased by the cops for your wild and crazed antics.

He was partially true about that, except it turns out the cops were in the forms of giant wasps.

Though you were scarcely seen at classes, you seemed to ace every test, being at the top of the school despite doing any work. Everyone was baffled and intrigued, wanting to get closer to you and see exactly what made you so special, and yet something drew you to him.

Frankly, he could’ve cared less. Sure, he was curious in a sense, but it didn’t mean he was going to do anything about it. Would his eyes trail after you, spotting the bright white lab coat you’d occasionally tie around your waist? Of course. Did his brows furrow when he spied you doing something particularly quirky, and a small event or detail completely baffled him, like when you found a way to have a pencil write on your paper for you when you fell asleep in class, or that one day where your hair was moving as though electric currents were going through, making your hair stand straight and far from your head, as though static. The oddest part was that it stayed like that all day.

And as oddball as you were, with no one quite knowing what your deal was or even managing to really get so much as close to you, for some odd reason, you approached him at a party. Truth be told, you were drunk out of your mind, as Yoongi would later find out happened quite often, but immediately you latched onto him, and thus continued your hookup for the night.

Much to Yoongi’s surprise, you stayed the night, and after spending the day in his dorm while telling absolutely horrendous, inappropriate jokes and vulgar comments that sounded as though it came from the mind of a teenage boy, Yoongi was instantly transfixed, finding your sense of humor equally horrifying and hilarious. You were blunt at times, avoiding beating around the bush, and it was rather refreshing sometimes.

And thus began the friendship. Often times you two would insult each other, letting the comments roll off your back, and Yoongi would guffaw at some of the words you’d say, absolutely surprised that a girl could curse like a sailor or be so perverted. You were constantly horny as well, so it seemed, and the only time you’d stop being so crazed was during sex, which he found to happen quite often. You were also sort of a dick, not really caring about anyone but yourself, but Yoongi would find that at times, he was an exception.

Apparently, what first drew you to him was his bright blond hair, and because he seemed to somewhat enjoy your humor and could both take and throw insults, you kept him around, the sex being an added bonus. You were officially dubbed the honorary title of friends with benefits.

But it wasn’t until after six months that Yoongi came to find out exactly what it was you did and why you missed classes. He was simply waiting for you, texting away on his phone, when a bright flash of green appeared before him, and you tackled him.

He was shocked, and staring into the green, swirling void- which he’d later find out to be a portal- he saw something absolutely jaw-dropping pop out from it. It was some sort of monster, but it was entirely made of candy. You had forced Yoongi to stand once again, running, and he was absolutely mindblown when you got some sort of ray from your lab coat pocket, zapping at the monster. Yoongi’s mind felt as though it couldn’t process what was going on, but he was already on the run as you encouraged him to do, all the while zapping behind you until the candy man was literally blown into skittle-like smithereens.

Yoongi would’ve guessed you had killed someone or facilitated some sort of alien government, but as it turns out you just slept with the candy-man’s wife.

After that whole situation, you revealed that you were literally the smartest person in the universe, building robots and gadgets that wouldn’t be used until the far off or near distant future, and often times you wound up in trouble in other dimensions. Yoongi asked why you didn’t want to give any of your brilliance or gadgets to the government to help them along their research, and you only muttered something about bureaucracy.

But because he somewhat helped you with the candy-man (AKA falling on his face and having the monster trip over him, giving you the perfect opportunity to shoot him), you found him rather useful and decided to make him your partner in crime for the following adventures. The atrocities and absolute chaos Yoongi would see and have partial help causing made him rather stunned, but he admitted he liked going on those adventures with you. Not only did your crude humor have him rolling his eyes and trying not to laugh at the nightmares that ensued, but typically after a great adventure, you were more so in the mood for sex. He never understood, but he never really denied it either.

After a while, he got used to the various adventures you’d drag him along to, though of course, it didn’t mean he was necessarily okay with some of the crimes you had him commit.

Today’s adventure was no exception.

Your spaceship- which you apparently made completely out of robot prostitutes from a distant planet where STDs came in the form of computer viruses- had crashed into the window of his bedroom. The boy was startled, fumbling out of bed as he kicked the covers off his feet and looked to you.

“Y/N, what the hell?!” he shouted at you. “You can’t just crash into my bedroom- oh my God this is my dorm! What are you thinking?”

“Yoongi, Yoongi,” you mutter, climbing out and stepping over the rubble you made, repeating your name and showing your habit of saying his name often whenever you talk to him. “I’m a fucking genius, I can clean this up in five minutes, do you think I really give a shit?”

“I know that! But for goodness sake-”

“No time!” you say, grabbing onto his arm and dragging him behind you. “We’ve gotta go, Yoongi.”

“I’m still in my pajamas,” he murmured but knew he had no choice. Climbing into the UFO, he quickly did his seat belt, spotting you drinking from a bottle of champagne as you started driving. Yoongi squeezed his eyes shut, and once he opened them, you guys were in a completely different place.

“What are we going to do?” he asked you, unfastening the seat belt.

“Getting Mars Argo.”

“What? Is that a drug or something? Don’t tell me it’s another one of your fancy wine bottles,” Yoongi grumbled.

“What? No, she’s an American artist,” you huffed, taking another sip of the bottle. “She was replaced by Poppy in some great conspiracy theory, and more or less she disappeared from the face of the Earth. No one’s seen her since.”

“Wait, what does this have to do with anything?”

“Turns out her boyfriend, Titanic Sulfur or something, sent her to get kidnapped to this planet to replace her with this creepy cyborg girl that’s blowing up on the internet- not important,” you say dismissively. “The point is she’s been here for years, and we need to get her back because she had some good ass music and I want more of that shit.”

“Jesus Christ,” Yoongi muttered, facepalming.

“Doesn’t exist,” you finish, winking and snapping finger guns at him. Your crude sense of humor and devotion to science never failed to make him grimace.

“Wait, so why’d you drag me along on this one?” Yoongi asked, yawning. Of course, he already knew that you needed him because you were partners in crime, but you seemed to have another answer each time to evade his own, simply because of either your pride or creativity.

“Because without me you’d have completed the rest of your college career, getting a job and meeting a nice young lady and making her your wife, having kids early in marriage until they eventually add onto the stress and difficulties of your relationship, straining it and changing the two of you forever, and you end up having a mid-life crisis at 46 when you realize you hate your job, leave your wife and kids to rediscover yourself only to break the family bond and have them hating you forever. Then you go to the church believing that if you pray hard enough to a god that doesn’t exist you’ll be saved in the next life, only to be sent to a nursing home and die while shitting your pants. At least with these adventures, Yoongi, you’ll have something to look back on fondly instead of just your divorce, wondering what might’ve been, and scrolling through dating apps for a sugar baby pathetic enough to sit on your wrinkled dick that has cum like toothpaste by that age. Don’t live a mediocre life, Yoongi, trust me. It’s so sad Yoongi.”

Alright, so perhaps he shouldn’t have asked.

“Fair enough,” he muttered. “Alright, let’s find this Mars Argo chick.”

Suddenly helicopters were coming, as well as police cars, and soon enough the two of you and the ship were surrounded. Aliens of all shapes, sizes, and colors- who oddly enough reminded Yoongi of testicles- stepped out of the vehicles, pointing various weapons and missiles at the two.

“Oh, I may have forgotten to mention this is another planet I’m wanted on,” you shrug.

Yoongi’s eyes are wide. “Oh, you’ve really done it this time,” he hisses.

“Chill dude,” you laugh. You take out your portal gun, shooting at one of the walls and delivering a hard kick that pushes the ship into the portal, thus closing it.

“What’re you doing?!” Yoongi exclaims. “That was our chance of escape! Our ride!”

You flicked his forehead, which he angrily swiped away. “Calm down, Yoongi, we’ll get out. I have the portal gun, and besides, I know these guys’ weakness. Cheer up a bit, it’s not every day you see these tentacle monsters who look like they’re inspired by the male scrotum. I mean, you think you’ll see this fucking shit every day? The last weird thing you saw was the Chupacabra when we shaved it!”

Granted, that was yesterday.

“You know you always drag me into these things,” Yoongi grumbles. “If I end up in alien jail I swear-”

“Yoongi, Yoongi, Yoongi,” you hushed him, pulling another item from your lab coat and placing a weird gun in his hand. “Look, survive and I’ll blow you in the ship, alright?”

“I want to survive anyway,” Yoongi mutters. “But who am I to turn down a blowjob?”

“Atta boy!” you say. “Now, shoot the tampon gun!”

“The what?” Yoongi asks, flabbergasted. What did you just say?

You rolled your eyes. “They’ve got the same fears as a prepubescent straight boy, Yoongi, trust me! Just throw the damn tampon, or shoot it!”

Yoongi stared into the barrel of the gun, the aliens all murmuring and waiting to see what he would do, all of them too scared to shoot or make a move, anticipating the humans’ attack. Yoongi aimed it at one of the aliens with a missile and squeezed the trigger, sure that it would simply bounce off of the creature.

To his surprise, the small white bullet embedded in the creature, and it screeched in agony as its skin and flesh started to dissolve until there was a gaping hole in its chest that was growing larger and larger by the second, eating away at the flesh as it almost evaporated. It screamed in agony, firing the bullets from its own gun off and even killing a few of its friends as everyone panicked.

Yoongi was mortified, gripping onto his gun as he neared closer to you, and you watched the scene in boredom. “Oh yeah, they’re also allergic to cotton. And feminine products,” you say dismissively. “That should’ve been a good thing to tell you. But they’re idiots, they won’t pay attention to us for the next few minutes.”

“Oh dear God!” the dying creature shouted out as the others surrounded the wounded beast. “I’m dying, I’m dying! Mom… Mom is that you? I thought you just left Dad… Mom where have you been for the past ten years? We missed you…”

“We’re losing him!” the creature beside him shouted out. “Brandon, listen to me, you can’t. Don’t go into the light, I repeat, don’t go into the light!”

One of the creature’s tentacle-like arms reached above, “I’ll take your hand… Mom.”

“No!” another monster pushed forward, this one having long squid-type hair. “No, Brandon, it’s me, Marsha. I’ve loved you for so long and I’ve been so scared to tell you, but if you die on me, I swear- I-I… Don’t leave me! I love y-”

His arm dropped, and his long fruit-by-the-foot-like tongue rolled out of his mouth, announcing him dead. The creatures around him bowed in respect and grief, and Marsha wept over his dead body.

“Well, that happened,” you remarked, pulling out a bottle of wine, putting the cork between your teeth and yanking it back to open it. Yoongi never understood how you could fit so many things in your lab coat pocket, but you simply muttered some science-mumbo-jumbo and something about acid.

Marsha’s monstrous face looked up, and they acknowledged your presence for the first time since Yoongi shot Brandon, and suddenly Marsha was pointing a gun at Yoongi’s head, letting out a monstrous screech. “You killed him! Why, you’re dead, buddy!”

“Woah there, Debra, or whatever typical white suburban Mom name you’ve got,” you interrupt, yanking Yoongi out of the way. “Look Susan-Beth-Janice- fuck, I don’t know, but he’s innocent.”

“You’re wanted!” Marsha shrieked. “Oh, you’re heading to jail, bitch!”

“Alright, Yoongi, it’s about time we head out-” you grab him, running through. “Shoot shoot shoot! I know you, you’ll drop the soap on the first day, and tentacle-sex isn’t as good as it is in anime! SHOOT!”

Yoongi fired the custom-made gun everywhere, hearing shrieks as others began wildly shooting at the two of you, red lasers narrowly missing you two as you dodged past the dissolving bodies and ran. The lab coat tied around your waist flew behind you, almost like a cape, and Yoongi’s heart was pounding in his ears as he tried to fire off behind him. He felt as though you two were about as screwed as a pregnant woman with a smoking addiction.

The two of you swerved, going behind a building and hiding behind some nearby trashcans. At least, Yoongi assumed they were trashcans. They certainly smelled like they were, like a dead hooker rotting by some expired sushi.

“Tell me why you’re wanted in another planet?” Yoongi bitterly spat, holding on tightly to the gun and keeping watch.

You roll your eyes, “Wow, someone’s grumpy. Who pre-shat in your pants?”

“Fuck you,” Yoongi grumbled. Both of you were used to talking to each other this way, neither taking it personally. Between your asshole-ness and his intolerance towards your dick attitude, both of you were fine with spitting insults to each other.

The comment rolled off your back as you waved off his comment, looking down at the wine bottle that was half empty. Yoongi had no idea how you could still be basically sober when you’ve had a full bottle, but alcohol was typically needed to be in your system in order for you to do anything.

“That’s your job,” you fired back, wearing a cocky grin as he scoffed. “Anyways, if you must know, it’s because I cut off the balls of their king.”

“You what?!”

“Hush up, will you?” you snapped, pressing the bottle against his lips. “Do you want us to get caught?”

Yoongi swiped the bottle from you, taking a small sip and handing it back to you. “Alright, tell me what happened.”

“I thought I was getting an interview to be the head of the military, and I ended up getting interviewed to be some sort of sex doll, Yoongi,” you murmured, making Yoongi’s brows jumped. “Anyways, he made a move on me, and I didn’t like where he was putting his bedazzled tentacle, so I cut off the balls of his octo-dick. You know, I heard they cut off the balls of male rapists in India, and then they can’t reproduce because the semen factory is gone. At least that’s what my fifth-grade teacher said when she was high.”

“This is insane,” Yoongi shook his head. “They’re trying to kill you because you were almost raped?”

“Well, you know how it works,” you shrugged. “Convicted of something, and someone privileged either gets the story dismissed or goes through a punishment 1/10th of what they actually deserve. And because he was the king, of course, no one really knew the real story, and I’m accused of treason and attempted murder.”

“Well, removing his testicles might’ve been a bit extreme,” Yoongi points out, receiving a glare from you.

“We do it to dogs all the time, Yoongi,” you mutter. “It’s called getting someone fixed. He was a bitch anyway, am I right? Am I right or am I right Yoongi? Yoongi?”

“Be quiet! I hear someone!” he says, slapping a hand over your mouth. You grumble, licking a stripe along his palm and causing him to wipe his hand against his pajama bottoms, disgusted.

“A to the G to the U to the STD-”

“How is your phone able to receive calls on an entirely different planet?!” Yoongi asks, flabbergasted once he heard your ringtone.

You rolled your eyes, turning it off. “Yoongi, I’m a genius who builds robots and travels to other dimensions, how could I not figure out how to do that?”

Yoongi rolls his eyes, “You know someone could’ve found out our location.”

“You’re acting grumpier than a man who’s two wives left him, is currently doing cocaine with hookers, and paying them with the money the government gives him for mental illness he faked and is yelling cuss words at baseball games while his psychiatrist sits behind him as he’s unaware,” you roll your eyes.

“How are you so specific about these things?”

“I’ve seen things. There are tons of universes with problems just like ours. Like teenage girls who are forced to keep the baby and end up getting kicked out of their homes and have to become strippers or prostitutes to live and eat and just end up getting addicted to heroine. Or perhaps the little boys who are abused by their girlfriends and can’t tell anyone or risk their masculinity. Or the people who are repeatedly told they don’t have a mental illness because apparently, they don’t exist.”

“Alright, you’re getting dark. What are we going to do? We’ll get caught eventually,” Yoongi huffs.

“It’s fine,” you say. “Besides, we need to get to the palace. I wouldn’t doubt if the king himself would be the one holding that underrated and practically unknown talent from the world. He’s an awful man, Yoongi, the one who’s more terrifying than the portrayals of him. He’s the one who haunts kids, who causes the worst dreams and inhabits your nightmares!”

A chill ran down Yoongi’s spine at your description, though he refused to show it. “What is he, a werewolf?”

“Say, have you ever had sex with a werewolf?” you ask him, getting side-tracked. “I don’t mean that midnight sparkle bullshit, I mean like an actual werewolf. Man, definitely something I’ll go back to. Wasn’t bestiality necessarily, but if it is considered bestiality, it’s never felt better.”

“Y/N!” Yoongi snaps, trying to keep a straight face. “Stop getting perverted and side-tracked for five seconds and figure out how we can get this Uranus chick?”

“It’s Mars, you uncultured swine,” you fire back, pursing your lips. “Alright, I’ll whip something up.” You take one last swig of the bottle, and toss it to the side, getting up and running off.

Yoongi’s eyes were wide, “Wait, are you leaving me here? Y/N? Y/N!”

He must’ve screamed too loud because the horde of the laser-shooting monsters was now running towards him, discovering his hiding place and he was already running. God, he should’ve slept in, he loves to sleep, why’d he agree to this?

Tampons and lasers were shooting through the air, and soon enough it was just him and Marsha, who was crying while pointing her gun directly at him, pressing the barrel against his forehead. “Drop your weapon!” she shouted out, her throat swelled and a gurgling sound accompanying her cries.

Yoongi dropped the tampon-gun, which had run out of tampons not too long ago, and he was silently praying for you to finally show up like usual and fuck shit up.

“You’re going to die today, twerp,” Marsha hisses, pressing it harder against his head. “This is all your fault.”

A shot fires and Marsha crumbles, her shoulder bleeding out from the wound. Yoongi sees nothing there until you take off a necklace, revealing yourself and a crazy and brightly-colored gun by your side. “You got receipts, Judge Judy?” you say snidely. You shoot in her head about three more times, positive she’s dead.

“Where were you?” Yoongi asked, trying to catch his breath.

“I had to go to a planet of tiny bigfoots to get a legally-safe necklace,” you say, holding it out. “This’ll help us sneak in. I’ll be recognized on the spot, I’m too popular. Those D-Bags once tried to arrest me when I was eating fucking waffles, but it took them forever to actually do it. A lot of the time these idiots just stand around and wait for you to murder one of them.”

Yoongi raises a brow. “How am I going to sneak into the palace? For fuck’s sake I jus murdered someone again.”

“We’ll dress you as a butler. Trust me, these guys are idiots. If you have a bowtie on they won’t even think twice about if you’re human. And if any one of these pea-brains suspects, my invisible ass can knock them the fuck out,” you say, holding up the special gun. “I made this out of a kid’s water gun and alien testicles.”

“What?!”

“I’m kidding,” you laugh. “It wasn’t a water gun, it was a Nerf gun. Man, that prep shit is great.”

“That’s disgusting,” Yoongi grimaces.

“And I’m still going to be sucking your dick tonight,” you wink. “Now, I’m getting hornier by the minute, so let’s get this over with.”

True enough, when Yoongi had on a bow tie, no one seemed to recognize him as someone who caused a rampage just half an hour ago. You snuck him in the palace by opening certain doors, and he could hear the small beeps and such from whatever invisible gadget you were working with, and he swore he could feel a bit of your lab coat brushing against his leg.

“We’re almost to the King’s bedroom,” you say. “Argo’s hot as shit, so no doubt he’s doing terrible things to her. We can rescue her of course, but we also need to shoot the bastard.”

Yoongi wasn’t quite able to hear what you were saying, mainly because a maid who walked past kept on muttering, “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job,” and he was too busy trying to not seem suspicious, though he trusted your plan.

“I want to go to bed,” Yoongi grumbles.

“And you also want to be top for once, but clearly not everything goes your way,” you grumble, and Yoongi rolls his eyes at your ribbing. “And we’re here!”

An electrical door was before you two, and a code had to be punched in. Yoongi spied how the buttons were pressed down in a complex and intricate, rather random, order, and soon the door shot up and revealed the room. You slipped off the necklace, entering the room as the two of you stared at the walls, which were worn and a faded yellow.

“It’s like fifty shades of depression,” you grumble. “Where’s Argo?”

Yoongi’s eyes searched the room, and he tugged at your sleeve. “By any chance, would it be the chick in the corner?” You turned to look at the direction he was pointing towards, and sure enough, the blonde girl was in the corner, shivering.

“ARGO!” you exclaimed. “Big fan, how are you doing girl?” The girl didn’t respond, just shivering still. You narrowed your eyes, going closer.

“Y/N, she might be traumatized,” Yoongi warned. “Are you sure you want to-” You gripped onto her hair, yanking her head off, and Yoongi was stunned, jaw dropping. “What the fuck?!”

“This isn’t Mars Argo!” you say, spiteful. “This is… this is a vibrating sex doll!”

“You’re joking,” Yoongi gaped. “Also where do I buy one?”

You swatted his arm, glaring at him. “And you call me a pervert.”

“You are!” Yoongi said, giving you the typical ‘wtf’ stare.

Suddenly the two of you heard some clapping, and a figure slid out from under the bed, similar to Rosé’s slide in Boombayah. You cross your arms as the figure stops clapping, standing to reveal that he was a shadowy creature, with elongated features and long, talon-like fingers, the tips as sharp as knives.

“I’d hate to be the girl fingered by that guy,” you whisper to Yoongi, and he cringes away from you. You glare at the figure. “Hello, Your Majesty. Apparently, the Boogey Man himself isn’t above the slow clap entrance.”

“And apparently the mad scientist isn’t above the 'pointing out how lame the slow clap entrance is’ cliche,” the figure fires back. “Who’s your friend?”

“Min Yoongi,” you comment. You look to the boy, gesturing to the creature before you. “Boogey Man.”

“You’re the Boogey Man?” Yoongi asks.

The creature crosses his arms crossly, “What’d you expect?”

“I don’t know, maybe that living beanbag full of bugs? Like from The Nightmare Before Christmas?”

“What’s that?” the Boogey Man asks.

“American pop culture reference,” you say. “Unimportant. Where’s Argo?”

“Ah,” the Boogey Man chuckled. “We knew you’d come for her, so once we got news that you killed someone- as you always do- we sent her home. Don’t worry, she’s on her way to Earth now.”

“Wait, hold up, why is the Boogey Man the king of some alien planet?” Yoongi asks, baffled. “Is no one questioning this?”

“Yoongi,” you sigh. “We don’t have time to discuss the history of the Boogey Man. Next thing you know you’ll want me to say how I sunk Atlantis!”

“Wait, you did what!?”

“Anyways,” you dismiss him. “How’d you know I’d go after her? She hasn’t been seen for years, man. For all you knew I couldn’t care less.”

“Lucky guess,” the creature shrugged. “Next time we’ll kidnap him,” he pointed to Yoongi.

“Oh fuck no,” Yoongi said. His eyes wandered around the room, and he spotted something similar to your newly crafted gun and grabbed it, pointing it at the Boogey Man. “Try shit and I’ll shoot you with this.”

You grimaced, face palming. “Yoongi… you’re… Yoongi you’re holding a space dildo.”

“What?!” he stared down at his weapon of choice in horror and remembered you saying something about your gun being made with alien testicles. He dropped it, grimacing and wiping his hands frantically against his clothes. “Oh dear God.”

You rolled your eyes, shaking your head and handing him the necklace. “You need this more than I do, so it seems.” You turn to the Boogey man, “Why’d you lure me here after what I did to you last time?”

“I want my genitals back,” he hissed, shaking a fist at you. “And then, I’ll kill you!”

You quirk a brow, a smirk being plastered over your face. “Is that so? Why didn’t you say so! I have it right here.” You pull out the new gun you made, and Yoongi had the most horrified expression, as did the Boogey Man.

“My beautiful testicles!” he shouted out. “You’ll pay!”

Yoongi simply facepalmed, shaking his head. “What is wrong with you people?”

“Come and get them,” you hissed, beginning to shoot at him. He shot down under the bed, a low hiss that was rather snake-like coming from underneath. You shot at the bed, seeing him climb from behind to latch and crawl onto the wall, and he pounced.

Yoongi’s scream of fear was well earned, and the Boogey Man had his talon-like fingers around the boy’s neck, the tips barely piercing the soft skin. “I’ll kill him first,” the Boogey Man hissed out.

Yoongi knew you’d probably shoot anyway, regardless of whether or not he was in the Boogey Man’s grasp, so he thought quick. Throwing the necklace over his head, and the Boogey Man jumped back in surprise, and Yoongi had to duck down as the monster swiped and clawed at the air. Yoongi crawled on all fours, hearing you call out, “Atta boy, Yoongi! Yoongi my man, Yoongi. Yoongi, dunno where you are, but try not to get caught. Got that Yoongi?”

Yoongi huffed in response, crawling to the side as you began wildly shooting at the monster, though it jumped from the walls and crawled on the ceiling. Jesus, that thing was creepy.

“You’re probably a pedophile!” you shout at him. “Hiding beneath kids’ beds and all! Pervert! Take this! Die already! Pew pew mother fucker!”

You shot wildly, and Yoongi wasn’t exactly sure how much ammo you had left. Thinking fast (and cringing all the while) he grabbed what he mistook as a gun earlier and threw it at the back of the monster’s head, causing it to be surprised and fall to the floor. You took the opportunity to shoot him in the leg, rendering him immobile. You stepped on the creature’s neck, pressing the gun against his head and twisting his arms behind his back.

“You’re going to be killed with your own balls,” you tell him. “And you deserve it for making me come all this way for nothing!”

“Please!” the Boogey Man cried out. “Have mercy! I’ll do anything! People will perish if I die, and all will go into anarchy and-”

You fired, and the Boogey Man was dead. Huffing, you stretched your arms, scrunching your nose. “Does that look like my problem?”

Yoongi slipped off the necklace, becoming visible once again as he looked to the Boogey Man. “You know, I figured he’d have a sack over his head or something.”

“He’ll be having a body sack soon,” you shrug.

“Should we be concerned with the future of this planet since their king is dead?” Yoongi asks.

“Nah,” you shrug. “Yoongi, am I really the type to be concerned with this shit? You know me, I’m an asshole who’s a slight alcoholic. But I’m a genius, so it makes up for it.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Yoongi shrugs. “You’re a dick. Most times. Other times you almost seem as though you have some level of humanity.”

“Oh I need to fix that,” you grumble. “No more of that fucking bullshit. Anyways, let’s get to the ship, I’ve been horny for the past hour or something and I need to let off some steam from that fucking Boogey Man.” You pull out the portal gun, aiming at the wall, and the familiar green swirl appeared.

“I don’t understand your sexual appetite sometimes,” Yoongi shakes his head. He’s been wide awake now, especially after the Boogey Man, and he could definitely fall back asleep with what you’d sometimes call 'Nyquil’.

“You know what should’ve happened? Dance battle, I mean, they’ve got to call him 'Boogey’ Man for some reason,” you say. “Man, that was disappointing. I didn’t even get to meet Mars Argo!”

“You know she probably won’t make music still, after being kidnapped by aliens and all,” Yoongi points out.

“Way to put the cherry on top of a pretty disappointing day, Yoongi,” you say. “Now, let’s just hope you don’t disappoint me. You’re lucky I’ve seen and sat on your dick so many times I know it’s not the size of a goldfish. This is my reward for you because you did a good job today. Don’t upset me where I revoke blowing privileges.”

Yoongi laughed hard at that, following you as you climbed through the portal, landing inside the spaceship, which was evidently in your workshop that you stowed away in an abandoned factory.

“You know, I’m pretty sure you mentioned you wanted to fuck in here once,” you mention as the portal closes.

“Yeah,” Yoongi says, watching as you slowly remove the lab coat tied around your waist, pushing it to the side. He admitted to you one of the nights he agreed to get drunk with you that he wanted to have sex in the back of your ship, since not only it was it roomier, but c'mon, how often do you have sex in the back of a space ship? Granted it was apparently made from parts of robot prostitutes, but Yoongi learned from you not to overthink things and to just relax. Or, rather, let chaos ensue. Whatever floats your boat.

He let you take control, letting out a sigh of content as your pants yanked down his pajama bottoms and boxers, taking his dick in your hand and slowly pumping him.  You sit between his legs as he sits in the backseat, and he watches to see your hand travel into your pants, rubbing yourself in front of him. Yoongi bit his lip, giving you a dark look as you wore a mischievous look on your face.

You offered a small kitten lick at the tip, making Yoongi hiss out slightly. You were the type to drag out teasing for extended about of times, but tonight you owed him this, so that meant you couldn’t torture him forever as you would’ve preferred. You knew it, and soon enough your lips wrapped around the head, and you slowly sunk down his length. Your tongue was pressing against the shaft of his dick, the warm muscle making him hiss in pleasure.

He let out a low groan as the head made contact with the back of your throat, which was an incredibly soft spot. It took a lot of self-restraint to avoid bucking up into your mouth, and you stayed there, swallowing around him. The sensation had a low moan slipping from between his lips, and he could tell that really turned you on.

Your hand was rubbing faster and faster in your pants, the hand motions small but furious, and when Yoongi’s eyes weren’t trying to roll to the back of his head with each time you swallowed around him, he tried to peek down at your hand as you rubbed yourself vigorously.

His hands curled into fists at his sides as your mouth popped off of him, and you inhaled greedy amounts of air. “Are you enjoying this so far, Yoongi?” you purr to him.

“Fuck,” he mumbles. “Yeah. God, you’re great at that.”

Both of your hands reached up to grip his cock, the one glistening with your juices already sliding up and down his length, and the other massaging his balls. You batted up at him, your eyes seductive and pupils blown out with lust. “Want me to ride you, Yoongi?”

He bit his lip, “Please.”

You smirked, “Perfect.” Quickly, you slipped your pants off, dragging your underwear down your legs as well. You climbed up onto the seat, straddling Yoongi’s hips as he leaned back, letting you take control. Your hips swayed, your heat hovering directly over his, and you gripped onto his length, keeping it upright and still as you started rubbing yourself against him. The feeling was pure torture, but he knew you wouldn’t let him get rewarded without a little teasing.

Slowly you sank down on him, and as you did so you sank your teeth down on his shoulder, biting down as he filled you. “You fill me up so good, Yoongi,” you moaned out, and soon your lips were attached to his neck, sucking tentatively as you moved up and down his length, letting him have a moan of content, a chill running down his spine at your words

Ironically enough, the only time you weren’t saying something absolutely ridiculous and inappropriate or being an absolute pervert was during sex. The only time you weren’t making asshole-type comments towards him (though, to be fair he had his moments where he did it back to you, and nothing was taken personally of course), was when you were whispering dirty things in his ear instead.

Sometimes Yoongi wondered why he was going on those wild adventures with you when he could be focusing more on his studies or perhaps sleeping since you cut into that schedule so often. Truthfully he wouldn’t trade your adventures for the world because while he always acted annoyed with them, in reality, they were the highlight of his day or week. Except for the murder parts, he wasn’t so keen on that.

But the parts that really made it all worth it? This. When you were riding him vigorously, sweat forming on your forehead as you moved up and down his cock. When you’d give him pleasure and continue to reach your own, murmuring things about how much you loved riding him and how good his cock made you feel. Your hand was rubbing fast circles around your clit, and strands of your hair were sticking to your neck and forehead, a thin sheen of sweat making you seem shiny.

“Yoongi, just like that,” you panted in his ear, one of your hands coming up to grip onto him. “I’m so close, Yoongi, can you feel me squeezing around your dick? God, I’m so close, I’ll spasm over your cock, I swear.”

Your favorite thing was talking dirty, and Yoongi simply smiled at your words as you stroked his ego. He felt how your walls clenched around his length, and he hissed at the sensation, his hands on your hips as he guided your hips. You felt so warm around him, and from how your whimpers and moan were getting breathy and higher, he knew you were close to your orgasm.

“I’m gonna cum,” you breath. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

You still around him, and he feels how your walls tighten around him, and your legs quiver the slightest bit at the sensation, and you press your sweaty forehead against his shoulder, panting hard.

“You good?” Yoongi murmured.

“Yeah,” you whispered. “Cum in me, Yoongi.”

He worked at maneuvering your hips, having you bounce on top of him once again, and you do your best to clench your walls around him, adding more friction to your otherwise slippery walls to get him to cum. He makes fast thrusts and pumps into you, chasing his high as he felt it rise up, and before he knew it he was filling you up, and both of you were panting, sweaty messes.

“Oh, fuck,” he murmured, and you slipped off of him, hovering the slightest bit. He watched as your hands dived beneath your heat, slipping between your legs. You brought them out, the small digits coated in the white, slippery liquid of both of your cum. Yoongi opened his mouth obediently, and you slipped the fingers in his hot cavern, letting him swirl his tongue around it and swallow the liquid.

“You like your own cum?” you smirk. He only hums in response, staring at you darkly. You giggle, pecking his lips as you climbed off. “I need to go to the restroom to pee now, thanks a lot. I give that a 7 out of 10 because we couldn’t use the toys. But it made my day better.”

“You’re such a fucking dick,” Yoongi laughs, his gummy smile showing that he was satisfied. He could still taste the weird mixture on his tongue.

You winked at him, pulling on your pants and panties, tying your lab coat around your waist. “Don’t act so mortified. You love it.”

“As if,” he scoffed.

[paulsebert]

Secret Empire #0 Thoughts (Spoilers)

Previously: The Red Skull used Korbik (a sentient cosmic cube that sometimes takes a child's form) to turn Captain America into a bad guy. Captain America is now a loyal agent of Hydra an evil organization that is sometimes Nazi affiliated and sometimes not depending on who is writing. Captain America planned a bunch of bad stuff behind everyone's back.  Captain America turned on his evil master.  Red Skull desperate to make Cap stop admitted that Captain America that his new history (that we saw in extensive flashbacks over many issues) was all lies he made up. Captain America doesn't care because he's EEEEVIL! He kills Red Skull and sets out to take over the world... his way! This took 15 fricking issues to get to.  Meanwhile we learned that Nick Spencer should really stay off twitter.

Notes: Despite the bad reaction Spencer's Cap run has gotten I'm actually a fan of most of Nick Spencer's work. Superior Foes of Spider-Man is of one the best comics of the last decade and the The Fix is hilarious. His run on the two Captain America runs are really mixed bags.  The first two arcs of “Captain America: Sam Wilson” are really good but Spencer struggled trying to deal with real life politics in the later issues. As for the eeeeeevil Captain America book well... it's better than painful fever dream of Rick Remender's Captain America book. I'm going to try to be fair and optimistic going into this one.

Our story opens with a World War II flashback in of Hydra Cap in the mountains of Japan meeting with Kraken an obscure villain from Jonathan Hickman's Secret Warriors. Hydra's secret base looks like the Legends of the Hidden Temple set. Kraken tells Captain America that the Allie will use the Cosmic Cube (not Korbik but another one) to change reality so that Hydra doesn't take over the world. He says they're going to change his memories and no matter what he must not forget he's a Hydra Agent. Of course we know all of these new World War II memories are bullshit so... they're either illusions or maybe Kraken was manipulating Steve the whole time or... uuuugh. I am three pages in and I have a headache!

We now have a flow chart of characters. I know Secret War did the same thing but... hoo-boy. That's a bad sign.

We cut to modern day.  Cap is at S.H.I.E.L.D command with Sharon Carter.  We learn that a Chitari (those aliens from the first Avengers movie) invasion is headed towards Earth.  But the Planetary Defense shield is down.  Wasn't there a whole other organization called S.W.O.R.D that handled this? Where is Abigail Brand?

We see the Guardians of the Galaxy and The Ultimates fighting aliens in space.  I am wondering why most of the focus isn't on this and is instead on S.H.I.E.L.D HQ?  Daniel Acuña draws pretty fight scenes. Let him do that!

Meanwhile a boatload of supervillians lead by Gravitron are attacking New York and the Defenders are fighting them.  Unfortunately more of the focus is on S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters. So we’re mostly watching EVIL Cap and Sharon watching all the action.

Meanwhile Hydra has invaded the country of Sokovia the country that Ultron completely destroyed back in Kurt Busiek's run.  I know it’s played a role in Specer’s run but shouldn't it just be all empty space and dead Ultron drones now?

The narrator is REALLY going out of his way to tell us what a brilliant strategist Hydra Cap is and how all of these couldn't have happened by coincidence.  It's sort of like how every three pages in Avengers Arena someone says “gee Arcade is really a clever villain now. He sure thought of everything.”

Back in space Quasar is eaten by a space whale.  I should be upset at the apparent death of a new superhero but like... this HAS to be a set-up for her to punch her way out of the belly of a space whale an issue or two later. Right? I mean why would you waste an opportunity for an awesome action scene?

I just realized that Hydra Cap planning his scheme while the heavy hitters are in space is a LOT like the plot of Infinity.  Also the whole novelty of an EVIL Captain America story would have been a lot more at home in Axis.  Remember how Tony Stark was eeeeeevil for a year and no one cared?

Now Nitro shows up while the Defenders are fighting and Jessica Jones throws him high into the air while he triggers an explosion that looks like a homage to the opening of Civil War.  This comic is turning into a greatest hits album of other comic crossovers.

The Secretary of Defense gives Captain America full control over the U.S. Military and Law Enforcement thanks to a new act of congress so everything bad from here on out is caused by an ill conceived piece of legislation... just like Civil War!

The defense shield is turned on locking aliens out and the Defenders get backup from the Uncanny Avengers. Things are looking up for the heroes.

Suddenly a heli-carrier crashes into S.H.I.E.L.D HQ and a bunch Hydra mooks show up. Only the S.H.I.E.L.D guards aren't fighting back because Dr Faustus is brainwashing everyone.  I should have mentioned before this whole mess started that the Red Skull had psychic mindscrew powers and dude whose sole power was brainwashing people working for him.  If you really wanted to do a Captain America is EVIL story the whole cosmic cube and prolonged elaborate false history flashbacks are kind of superfluous.

Captain America orders the Hydra Guards and the mind controlled S.H.I.E.L.D guys to take Sharon Carter prisoner.  Sharon is not under Faustus' control despite the fact that if I had a drink for the number of stories where Sharon Carter was mind controlled I'd be drunk.  Sharon thinks Cap is being controlled by Faustus but...

 A Hydra guy is just standing there and has this slackjawed look like “I can't believe this shit.”  I'm going to pretend he's Bob from Deadpool. Bob's presence is the most entertaining thing about this book so far.

I could be reading “The Button” right now.  That comic has Batman fighting Professor Zoom AND Flash fighting Samurai Robots... Samurai Robots!  And it doesn't have walls and walls of exposition text...

Iron Men Riri Williams and Force Ghost Tony Stark (it's a long story) discover someone has sabotaged the planetary defense shield and Hydra guys attack them. Just as it looks like we're going to get a good fight it cuts away.

On Space Skype Captain America reveals to Captain Marvel that wave after wave of Chitari are coming and he's keeping them walled off outside with fierce alien warriors to their doom.  Cue Cliffhanger #1.

Tony Stark and Riri Williams just beat up all the Hydra Guys OFF CAMERA!  We've got like a bazillion action scenes going on and NONE of them are given any time to breath under these unending walls of exposition text.

Hey it's HELMUT ZEMO!  Which Zemo is it... the morally complex anti-villian/anti-hero from Thunderbolts? Is it the Cobra Commander-esc idiot from Avengers Undercover? A combination of the two? I don't know because he has all of three panels in this issue.

Zemo and a guy named Blackout (not the Ghost Rider Villian) have stolen the book of Darkhold.  Does anyone remember Darkhold: Pages from the Book of Sins?  It was like this early 90s quasi-horror comic about this cursed book whose pages granted evil monkey paw wishes and the people who made those wishes usually turned into monsters. Plus there was an evil dwarf.  Like that you should be revamping that into something so if you wanted Peter Dinklage to be a villain in a Marvel movie.  Oh and there were people called The Darkhold Redeemers who were trying to stop the Dwarf and one of them was a lesbian and this was like long before LGTB representation was anywhere near common in comics.  Dude I want a Darkhold Redeemers comic.

So Zemo and an obscure Avengers villian named Blackout (who looks like the poor man's Electro) use the Darkhold to banish New York City isolating it under a Dark Force dimension dome.  It's like when the Hand sealed off Hell's Kitchen in Shadowland but bigger.  ANOTHER crossover callback.  Cliffhanger #2.

Tony deducts that the next target of attack is going to be Washington DC he calls for The Avengers (several teams worth), The Champions, and Spider-Man (who I guess wasn't in New York.)  We get some big epic hero arrival poses that would look great if they weren't crammed into TINY... TINY panels.

Back in Washington an army of Hydra Helicarriers loom ominously over the White House. Hey do you remember the C-Plot from Fear Itself.  When Skadi's Army attacked Washington but no-one cared because the rest of the book was about fighting monsters with Evil Thor Hammers? ANOTHER CALLBACK!

This the B-side of a Marvel Comics Crossovers Greatest Hits Album. Side A is about 70% tracks from Secret War, the Worthy stuff from Fear Itself and a trio of tracks from Civil War, Secret Invasion, and House of M. that were popular at the time but doesn't hold up.

The nicest thing I can say about this comic is that Daniel Acuña's art is really good and if anything this is one of the best looking bad comics I've ever read.

Despite the involvement of Hydra and the 40s flashback EVIL Cap doesn't really come across as a Nazi at all and just a generic “take over the world” badguy.  On one hand that kind of seems to be Marvel backing away from the obvious “Cap is a Nazi” angle that was making people uncomfortable and angry and yet on the other hand it's also backing away from the “America is more messed up than we thought” allegory that could actually make a point this time.  Spencer isn't the guy to be doing that kind of project though.  Not sure who I could see doing that and making such a gut punch work. Grant Morrison or Kyle Baker maybe?

If this is any indication it's going to be a loooooong six months.  Maybe I should be polishing off my “Rikki Barnes: The Winter Soldier” pitch.