#[ this has been addressed before but hes bi: cute girls and cool boys get his heart going doki-doki ]

[mermaidsirennikita]

Sorry if I missed it, but do you have any recs for diverse body types? Like either the hero, heroine, or both who are fat or chubby? Thank you!

Yes!

Historical:

Nine Rules to Break When Romancing a Rake by Sarah MacLean. A classic! Callie is canonically fat, ends up pursuing the nine things she's always wanted to do before committing to spinsterhood, and the local rake ends up getting entangled in her adventures. One of my favorite moments in this book is when she tries to disguise herself as a man by wearing trousers during a fencing moment, and he sees her ass and is like "that is NOT a man".

A Rogue By Any Other Name by Sarah MacLean. It isn't as obvious in this book, but I think it's pretty clear that Penelope is more full-figured, and boy is Bourne about it.

Brazen and the Beast by Sarah MacLean. Hattie is fat, and this is one of the only historicals that actually has a plus-size model on the cover and the stepback. She's gorgeous, yay! (And it's such a great stepback.)

Knockout by Sarah MacLean. Another one where the model actually is a legit plus-size model, and a lot of the book is kind of like... big girl wish fulfillment in a great way, imo? It's very touching in a manner I don't think people will get if they haven't been there. Imogen doesn't have all this "I'm fat" angst, she's confident, but her sore point is being made to feel that she's too much in every way? Like, she's too brash, she's too bold, and her big personality on top of a bigger body just makes her too much. Like she should shrink in some way to balance it out. And Tommy is like, carrying her around, protecting her, adoring her. Ugh, it's a lOT.

The Truth About Cads and Dukes by Elisa Braden. Jane is fat, and she considers herself plain. What she doesn't realize, after she enters into a marriage of convenience with local icy duke Harrison, is that he is like. Physically. OBSESSED. He doesn't know much about her personality lmao, but he is BARELY holding it together whenever she does one of her innocent double entendres. (In like, the scene where he's trying to propose a fix it marriage, she's all "and you wouldn't know what's inside my mind unless you'd been inside ME" and he's like, desperately coughing to keep himself together while she has noooo idea why he's so upset lmao.)

Contemporary:

The Brown Sisters trilogy by Talia Hibbert. All three heroines are plus size. There are other cool aspects of rep Talia addresses as well--Chloe Brown has chronic pain, Dani Brown is bi, Eve Brown is autistic (and so is her hero). These are really fun, really good, really sexy books. I think Act Your Age, Eve Brown may be my favorite, though.

The Princess Trap by Talia Hibbert. This is another Talia book with a fat Black heroine who is totally aware of her own appeal and confident as hell. She ends up in a fake engagement situation with a prince (who is, I should add, in trouble because a tape leaked of him and his previous girlfriend getting up to Certain Things That Some Unjustly Consider Abnormal, and also mentioning his bisexuality) and it all goes from there. He has an oral fixation, btw.

Tastes Like Shakkar by Nisha Sharma. This is recent and so cute! It's a Much Ado About Nothing retelling wherein the hero and heroine, of course, hate each other, but have to work together because she's planning her bestie's wedding and he is the chef (and also best friends with the groom). And someone's trying to sabotage the wedding, so that's also an issue. He ALSO has a particular interest that I really appreciate seeing in books with fat heroines, personally.

A Merry Little Meet Cute by Sierra Simone and Julie Murphy. Christmasy, but works all year round imo. The heroine is a plus sized adult film star with a super popular OF-style account, but she wants to break into mainstream. So she gets this opportunity to fill in for an actress on a Hallmark-style Christmas movie, and jumps in. Except oops, the hero, who's a fallen boy bander, is VERY familiar with her work... Super body positive and hot, love it.

Possession by Adriana Anders. Omg love this book. The heroine is a rising actress, and she's in a totally platonic, PR marriage of convenience with this A-list, "sexiest man alive" type star. Then he gets caught on tape doing Stuff and Things with a woman who looks super similar to her. Obviously, they're not really together, but it looks like cheating, so he rans off to a camp to... be himself. She chases him down, and it's super super hot and emotional and there's consensual kidnapping!

Gothic-y Paranormal-y:

The Thornchapel Series by Sierra Simone has six leads (five of whom have POVs). One of the POV characters is a plus size model who's just acknowledged as like, the hottest person around. TW for a million things, but this heroine does have a strong recovery from a past sexual assault ARC.

There are romance novels with fat heroes, obviously, but they are much fewer and further between, and if I'm super real, I've yet to read one wherein the focus wasn't like "the hero and heroine are both fat and the main thing they talk about is being fat", which is not something I personally like to read. It's not that I don't want to read about two fat people falling in love--I do. But I don't like it when that's like... the main point of the story aside from the romance.

[rkxhyunjin]

♥ KT ENTERTAINMENT’S FEBRUARY EVALUATIONS: PERFORMANCE - VERBAL JINT FT. 10CM - GOOD MORNING

Maybe the closest thing to romance Hyunjin had experienced was a ‘maybe’ relationship, a ‘something’ relationship. An unspoken connection that at times felt more unrequited than not – and Hyunjin supposes he had experienced that too, unrequited love.

Although, can he really call it love when at the time he was barely a teenager? A girl who left him with water beading down an iced bottle of strawberry milk on a hot summer’s day? Perhaps the term ‘puppy love’ serves as a better descriptor for that experience, it hadn’t taken Hyunjin too long to get over it, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less. That was Hyunjin’s experience with an unrequited… puppy love.

The ‘maybe’ relationship was during his first year at his new school – a ‘something’ relationship because there was something between him and the upperclassman, even if it was never spoken into existence. Lazy nights with tangled legs as Hyunjin sneaks peeks over at the other male perched on the bed, eyes darting back down to his textbooks when he was caught. Soft teasing and a subtle warmth that stayed with Hyunjin the entirety of the next day. Curious fingers that stray a little too far, cross the border from ‘something’ to a subtle unintelligible ‘yearning’ as they press against the upperclassmen’s lips just to see how they feel – it’s the first and only time Hyunjin does that.

‘Something’ crumbles away into ‘nothing’ when post-graduation, the boy never contacts Hyunjin again.

To say it didn’t break his heart a little would be a lie.

Even if his heart was left a little bruised, a little more cautious, Hyunjin doesn’t regret this ‘something’. When he recollects that year, Hyunjin’s feelings are nothing but warm, light-hearted with an innocent skip to his heartbeat. It’s an aspect that he makes sure to consider while he’s choosing a song, while he’s choreographing for Verbal Jint’s Good Morning. Airy and weightless steps combined with his signature dance-like signing become a way for Hyunjin to place his ‘something’ into physicality – just this once.

He practises endlessly – half out of routine (to escape the anxiety that scratches at the back of his mind if he’s not entirely immersed in the performance), and half out of fond nostalgia; fitting his memories into the tones and chords of the song. The rapping and singing are both at a comfortable level for him – the rapping almost a little bit more lyrical than anything else, and the singing nothing too showy. Originally it’s meant for two – a duet of a rapper and a singer, but it’s a small obstacle Hyunjin easily overcomes, picking and choosing portions where the two voices intertwine to emphasise specific nuances here and there.

Good morning – that’s what I texted you I think I’m into you, it’s dangerous

Hyunjin remembers when he first realised what they had was ‘something’, when late nights spent together and a hand pressed against his waist as they fell asleep after a long day of studying was no longer a simple circumstance of ‘close friendship’. As Hyunjin dances, one hand signs half of the sign for ‘morning’ while the other presses flat against his core, hand flattening and fingers widening as it slides into a single-handed hug around his waist.

The things I said last night You probably won’t remember it all Whenever we go, the restaurant gets ready to close After it was just you and me

Although Hyunjin lived off campus, he was an exception to the school’s rule that required all students dorm. The other boy would sneak out after hours (or occasionally if he was feeling brave, Hyunjin would sneak in), and sometimes they would meet up halfway between the school and Hyunjin’s home. Duck into the safety of a late-night street food cart’s awning, shoulders pressed close and fingers intertwined to stave off the cold. They’d both sacrifice sleep for just a little bit longer, making a game of jumping from one claw-machine arcade to another, laughing and sharing stories. As Hyunjin crosses the stage, he’s signing for you and me – the pace of movement comfortable and almost relaxed.

Just Like Jun Lam Hwae’s song I made a tacky and awkward confession I clearly remember your face

One thing Hyunjin never did was confess. With every movement, Hyunjin was showing he loved, but never did he say it to the other boy. The way they’d press their foreheads together and laugh, giggles turning into silent peals of laughter because it was just that funny – that was how Hyunjin showed his love. Playing the role of a shy confessor, Hyunjin’s toe draws a large circle against the floor of the stage while his hands are busy signing I clearly remember your face.

It was like a red flower bloomed on your face (Because of the lighting) I believe that it’s not just my misunderstanding

The boy doesn’t seem to possess a limit when it comes to complimenting Hyunjin. From running long fingers through the younger boy’s hair as he calls Hyunjin ‘clever’ to a padded thumb mindlessly rubbing a circle against Hyunjin’s wrist as they sit side by side; heavy textbooks wide open in front of them. A soft flush can’t help but dust against the younger’s cheeks, especially when he realises that feelings might be involved. Believe he signs, the side of an index finger extended from a fist meeting the centre of an open palm.

Good morning – that’s what I texted you I think I’m into you, it’s dangerous Oh it’s okay if you don’t reply back

It’s okay if you don’t reply back- (and the boy didn’t, the boy never replied after he graduated).

When the music stops, Hyunjin doesn’t even bat a lash, body working on automatic as it moves to music that’s been running on loop inside his brain ever since he started to piece together the choreography. What does stop however, is his voice. Not nearly as automatic as dancing and physical movement, as soon as the music cuts off Hyunjin’s voice seemingly goes right along with it. A few seconds pass, and a few seconds more before he realises that the music isn’t playing and more importantly, his voice isn’t singing. The boy is quick to correct the error and start singing once again, but he’s lost some of the confidence that he originally had; all of a sudden thrust back into his mind when usually he spends so much time outside of his mind during a performance.

By the time he steps off the stage his hands are shaking and his breathing a little faster than normal. What he had been doing to prepare for performances wasn’t enough. Simply couldn’t be enough if singing was still so separate from his physical movement. Practising over and over to make dancing a rote manoeuvre wasn’t enough – not when performing was equally about the singing as much as the dancing. (And Hyunjin had thought, had assumed he was getting better but this performance tells him otherwise). The realisation is nothing short of devastating.

[antigenius]

A/n: DJJDNFM SECRET SANTA FIC PART 1 NSFW PART WILL COME LATER SINCE TUMBLR WONT LET ME FO THE KEEP READING THING- @bnhabadass I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS KSKFMFMF

I'm Better

Bakugou X reader X Todoroki

Warnings: slight cussing, makeout sesh?

“Hey, how do I look?”

The scarlet halter dress flowed gently behind you, red lace enunciating your figure beautifully. A crimson satin bow tied around your waist to draw some curves, paired with gold ear cuffs and white flats with a bit of a wedge, just to keep your posture straight. Your auburn dyed hair was done up with a cute holly scrunchie, matching with the golden holly bracelet you had gotten while impulse buying online. The only formal winter wear you had was a leather jacket though, so you just had to hope it would go well with everything.

Toru’s jaw dropped at the sight of you, not that you could see though.

“Noraaaa!!!” She gushed. “You look so prettyyy!!!!”

You laugh, smiling at her. “Thanks, you too. Now let’s go before Mina uses all her credit to give me missed calls.”

It was a frosty Christmas eve. The snowflakes were floating down, leaving a white carpet in its wake. It had been a while since you all graduated and went your separate ways. The girls did meet up every once and a while, but with all of you being pro-heroes, that once in a while slowly became once in a blue moon. You never really kept up with lots of the boys, exceptions being Sero as you both worked in the same hero company. Basically, you had all grown distant in person. You all talked in a group-chat though, and through that, someone suggested that you’d all meet up for Christmas. Cue Momo sending her address, Sato saying he’d bake, cheers from all students and Mineta quietly rejoicing from the thought of getting kissed by the girls under the mistletoe.

And so here you were, standing outside Momo’s mansion of a home. The lights were leaving you awe-struck and unable to move due to your nostalgic whiplash.

Also due to the fact that it was literally three degrees celsius outside and your feet were probably frozen to the ground.

Once you did get inside though, your jaw hung at the subtle, yet tasteful decorations inside her house. Holly was hung literally everywhere, and you had to make sure you weren’t standing underneath one or that Mineta wasn’t close by if you wanted to survive.

The party was actually quite fun. You were standing idly, talking to Tsuyu until you were suddenly tugged by the invisible force that is Toru.

“Wh-“

“They’re playing seven minutes in heaven!! C’mon!!”

You were led towards a misshapen circle, consisting of the bakusquad, parts of the dekusquad, Jiro, Momo and Ojiro, who was just spectating. Mineta had, thankfully, passed out from drinking too much eggnog. The rest of the class were more content playing cards someplace else or chatting than to contend in such childish games. You shrugged. You had just been drinking and chatting the whole night, some games and laughing would be fun right?

Well you weren’t wrong…

“Step up, step up!” Mina called, pink hair bouncing in excitement. “All of you playing seven minutes in heaven, put in a little something something for the boys to pick!”

As soon as she said that, she produced a cute satin number from behind her back, twirling it around her finger with a wink. Your cheeks warmed almost immediately. Ooookay, maybe not what you had in mind with fun, but with alcohol in your system, decent decisions were thrown out the window. You followed the rest of the girls to the bathroom so you could all deposit your undergarments into the cloth bag. Mina grinned.

“Thank you!~”

She then shook the bag vigorously, mixing the content inside like she was making a martini for James Bond himself. Once she was done, she opened the bag and mixed it around manually, just to make sure.

“Alright boys, take your pick!”

Bmp bmp, bmp bmp, bmp bmp, bmp bmp.

Your heart thrashed against your ribcage as you watched the boys plunge sightlessly for a lucky dip.

“Right, shall we go clockwise?”

… Guess it wasn’t such a bright idea to sit at the edge.

“Nora!~ Which of these lucky boys has got yours?” Mina asked with a tipsy giggle. You got up, looking at the boys who had the panties in their hands. When you found yours, you sucked a quick breath between your teeth, eyes slowly locking with the vermillion ones that stared you down. You could feel everyone’s gaze on you as you pointed at Bakugou. Oohs and whistles erupted from both sides as Mina grabbed the both of you by the collar.

“Alright lovebirds, into the closet you go!”

Before you could even react, the doors were closed behind you, muffling the chatter from the group. The closet was dark, you could hardly see your own nose, let alone see Bakugou. You were glad though, it meant he wouldn’t see your beetroot excuse of a face.

“You gonna make a move or what, slowpoke?”

His grunt made you blink out of your daze. Your next words tumbled out of your mouth pretty quickly, without really thinking.

“You actually want do this properly?”

He was silent, then he laughed, a barking laugh that only made you fear for your life more.

“I’m no wuss. Plus, I made a bet, and I’m not willing to lose it.”

You were about to ask what bet this was, but he had pushed you against the closet wall with a thud.

“This’ll be your best kiss yet.” You could faintly see him smirk in the pitch-black darkness. “So savour it, stretchy.”

With that, he smashed his lips onto yours, hot, silky tongues curling together like a messy tango. His hands roamed your figure, leaving you to writhe and whine under his touch.

“Kat… Suki…” You pant as he moves from your lips down to your neck, biting harshly, then soothing it with a couple licks and open kisses. His treatment was intoxicating, it took you everything not to just crumble under his touch. You run your fingers through his hair and grip tightly as he snakes his hands down your inner thigh…

“Time’s up guys!! Come on out!”

The door opened, bright light blinding you. The marks on your neck were as clear as day. Bakugou walked calmly back to his spot. You, on the other hand, were flushed. Face stained red, you sat back down, hiding your face in your hands.

“Wow… He really went for it, huh Nora?” Toru said as she examined the marks curiously. The statement only made your face grow redder.

“Hey stretchy,"

You look up from your embarrassment to be hit in the face by your panties. If you could feel anymore humiliated now, you’d probably just stay red forever.

The rest of the pairs made you calm down and laugh again though, joining in with the oohs and aahs, watching everyone come out of the closet all scruffy and roughed up. Mina waved the bag around again, eyes twinkling.

“Who’s up for another round?”

You were about to get up and just spectate, but Toru raised your hand for you.

“Hey!-“

“Come on Nora!! One more round!” She pleaded. “You probably won’t get Bakugou again, so it won’t be that embarrassing, right?”

You hesitate, then sigh, back hitting the couch wearily. Toru cheers, hugging you tightly while Mina announces the next round.

“Alright!!” She shakes the bag again. “Boys, it’s your turn to put in something for us girls to pick!”

Cue the boys putting in their boxers for Mina to mix up in the bag. The girls carefully felt around whilst you just kinda took one out. It was a Calvin Klein branded boxer, in simple black and white. You wondered whose it was, but you figured it was probably Denki’s or something. It was… Big though. Lewd thoughts scattered through your mind as you shook your head. There was no need for those thoughts! Not like you were gonna get laid anyway. You watched the pairs go in and out, the closet seeing much better days than this.

“Shouto, you’re up!” Mina was pretty much a firecracker at this point, hyper and bounding like an energetic puppy.

The bi-coloured male got up, walking towards the girls to find his boxers. He stopped dead at your figure, glancing at the undergarment in your hand. He didn’t seem miffed about that though.

“Nora, huh? Luckyyy!!” Mina shoved you once again into the darkness. “Don’t have too much fun you two!”

The pitch-black darkness encased you again, but you were already accustomed to the feeling, having done it once. You bit your lip, guess you had to do something, right? You felt a hand beneath your chin, tilting it up.

“I hope you can forgive me Nora.” His deep voice sending tingles down your spine. “I’m not too experienced when it comes to romance.”

His lips press gently against yours, stealing all the breath in your lungs. His touch was soft, unlike Bakugou's. He let his hands wander down to your ass, squeezing it softly and making you gasp. His hands were cold, making you shiver into his touch while your whole body felt hot and flustered. His swollen lips then suckled your neck, making you hold onto him firmly for support.

“Shouto, fuck…”

Your core was pulsing dully, arousal pooling at your legs. Almost too soon, the light shone upon the both of you as Mina opened the doors.

“Seven minutes are up guys!”

… Inexperienced your ass.

You sat back down, warm and bothered. You were not going to be able to concentrate or talk properly for the rest of the night, that was sure. The rest of the party went pretty good nonetheless, laughter and cheer prominent. You were enjoying your umpeenteenth glass of eggnog by yourself to cool down when you were suddenly grabbed by the arm.

“Don’t ask. Just follow.”

You gulped the remaining eggnog in your mouth while following Bakugou to a room far away from the other patrons of the party. It made you feel hot again, but you were more terrified than anything.

He led you in, locking the door behind him. Shouto was sitting on the bed, watching the two of you from since you walked in. The two stare at you.

“So, who’s better?”

…

…

…

… What?

“I’m sorry, come again?” You say, wondering if maybe you were just so drunk you couldn’t hear right.

“Who’s better?”

“At what?”

“Don’t play dumb stretchy.”

You blink. “I have literally no idea what you guys are talking about.”

Shouto pressed his lips together to try and suppress his laughter at how angry Bakugou was getting. “Yaoyorozu told us you liked the both of us in high school, so we decided to bet on who you’d like better.”

It took you a moment, then you felt your ears burn with shame. “A-ah… That.”

“So,” Shouto got up from his position and stood in front of you. He had grown taller since your first year together, towering over your figure, “who did you like best?”

Your mouth was dry, unable to speak.

Bakugou tsked. “Obviously it’s me.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Quit whining Half’n’half, just accept you lost.”

“When it’s so clear that I’ve won? Please.”

The two bickered as you softly mumble an answer. They stopped as soon as you spoke, looking at you.

“What did you say?”

“I… Can’t choose.” You screw your eyes shut. “I dunno, you were both good? A tie?”

The silence that hovered over the three of you was heavy. The air was so thick with tension that if you had a knife, you were certain that you could essentially cut out a piece of the air if you wanted to. After a few minutes passed, Shouto looked over to Bakugou, lips curling.

“Rematch?”

“It’s on.”

You gulp.

[roguevaramiy]

“Imaginary Friend” - Krii7y

[tswiftisgay]

my queer perspective and analysis of early TSwift discography 🏳‍🌈

Even though I was not in the south, my community was a lot like Taylor’s country fan base. I’m a bi woman who grew up in a Catholic family, going to Catholic school. My peers and teachers were largely conservative and homophobic. I would like to share my perspective on Taylor’s music and lyrics as I experienced them growing up.

I’ve included dated screenshots from my Facebook. (Please respect my privacy by not sharing these screenshots outside my post.) 

I identified with Taylor’s music beyond any other single artist. Her music was so cathartic for me. That’s not to say I didn’t connect other artists, but many of Taylor’s songs felt very intimate. I posted (cringy) things online about how Taylor was ripping lyrics from my diary.

My comment to a friend below this post emphasizes just how close to home her lyrics hit.

Everyone else said that Taylor Swift wrote like she was inside their heads so I figured everyone else felt the same way as me. But looking back, I likely had a lot more in common with Taylor than the average girl. 

Her songs lean heavily on a sense of longing, uncertainty, and loneliness that I felt every day as someone trying to figure out who I was with few people to talk to openly.  She also returns again and again to what I’m calling “friendship romance.” (This friendship theme is stronger than ever in her recent 1989 and Rep love songs.) We also see the start of a theme of forbidden love that only gets stronger in her later albums.

Let’s explore a few key songs from the Taylor Swift and Fearless albums!

Two caveats:

Liz Rose co-wrote most of the early songs with Taylor. However, she has said on record that she was more of an editor when it came to Taylor and lyrics. 

It’s not my goal to argue who Taylor wrote these songs about, merely to point out the gay feelings and themes in the songs through the lens of my experience. I do link to some other Gaylor analysis of these songs that does reference specific people if you are curious.

Taylor Swift

Tear Drops on My Guitar

I fake a smile so he won't see, What I want, what I need, And everything that we should be

I spent a lot of time listening to my girl friends talking about people they had crushes on. I was oddly possessive/protective of my friends but tried to hide it. That possessiveness came from non-platonic feelings for them even before I acknowledged it. They knew me and understood me. We were so close. I always wanted more of their time and attention and affection.

The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart, He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Because of my attachment, it felt like a betrayal when they turned their attention away from me to a cute boy, even though I knew it wasn’t really. I didn’t understand why this bothered me so much or why I thought about them so much. 

In my experience, the intimacy of female friendship (and thus the need to hide non-platonic feelings) is much stronger (and more painful) than between a guy and a girl.

It’s important that the demo version of this song is gender neutral. Instead of Drew, the song is addressed to “you.” Honestly, that’s really what I heard when I listened to the song anyway. It especially helps explain this line that I really connected to:

And there he you goes so perfectly, The kind of flawless I wish I could be

You can’t tell me this self-reflection of a lovers’ attractiveness is hetero. What straight girl ever looked at a guy and wished she could be as flawless as him? I know I looked at girls I wanted to like me and wished I was as beautiful/cool/perfect as them. I did not feel that way about the guys I was interested in. The only reason that I might feel that way about a guy was if I was enamored with his girlfriend and jealous that she liked him.

I’m Only Me When I’m with You This song describes an incredibly close friendship that is romantic, the most straightforward example of “friendship romance.” You feel everything this other person feels. You feel like you can’t live without them because they matter to you more than anything. I related to this song like crazy and still do.

I don't try to hide my tears My secrets or my deepest fears Through it all nobody gets me like you do

The romantic nature is emphasized in the chorus when Taylor describes trying to convey her feelings for this person. 

I'm only trying To let you know that what I feel is true And I'm only me when I'm with you

Less compelling, but I have to add, knowing everything about you includes knowing you are gay. Sharing that secret created a bond unlike any other. In a community where that was especially taboo, you couldn’t tell just anyone. So anyone who did know was extremely special. (I only told other gays initially and then subsequently fell in love with them because we shared everything.)

The Outside

You saw me there, but never knew That I would give it all up to be A part of this, a part of you

Besides the obvious trope of young queer people feeling different, I always felt like I was on the outside of social circles and cliques of girls I connected with. They tended to be freaked out by how much I liked them or just completely unaware of how much young sweaty-handed me was hanging on their every word. Not being included became extra painful when it was not only a social rejection but a romantic one as well. She writes that she wants to be “a part of this, a part of you,” which implies a romantic interest in addition to the more general social one. This really rang true to young gay me.

Invisible

She's never gonna love you like I want to And you just see right through me but if you only knew me We could be a beautiful, miracle, unbelievable Instead of just invisible

Like shadows in a faded light 

This song again focuses on pining for someone while they long for someone else. Taylor writes “if you only knew me,” but then says “we could be ... instead of just invisible”, implying that they do know each other just not in the way Taylor wants. This feeds back into this theme of unrequited (friendship) love that it so common for young queer women.

She can't see the way your eyes Light up when you smile She'll never notice how you stop and stare Whenever she walks by

This songs also brings in the idea that her (presumably) straight friend is pining after a boy--because who do we usually categorize as unobservant and careless with feelings? Not girls. The song makes a lot more sense with the pronouns switched around. *He can’t see the way your eyes light up, but I can!*

(Taylor even dedicated this song to the gays on Rep tour B-stage.❤)

Fearless

This was the album that I sat up at night listening to over and over again. I think it is extremely gay.

Fearless

On the most basic level, you don’t need to be fearless unless you would otherwise be afraid, as one might be when embracing the gay. One could argue it’s scary to be vulnerable and open yourself up to any new relationship, but she says this is unusual for her. So this song is about something new and different, something that could be scary but is so intoxicating.  This is exactly how I felt about embracing my desire to be with women. (This breathless feeling is also expressed on Jump Then Fall.)

Well you stood there with me in the doorway my hands shake I'm not usually this way but You pull me in and I'm a little more brave It's a first kiss, it's flawless, really something, it's fearless.

She describes having a first kiss, but it’s important to note she has stated her first kiss was when she was a freshman in high school at age 15, long before she was working on the Fearless album. So this was the first kiss of a relationship, or maybe as I’m inclined to believe, her first kiss with another woman.

You Belong with Me

This song again emphasizes that she knows this person better than anyone else and should be with them-- friendship romance anyone? Taylor told the media this was based on a phone call she overheard between her guy friend and his girlfriend, but I have to believe this was an extension of her many previous songs on this theme.

Love Story

Gaylor fans have written so much about this song, which is written partially from Romeo’s perspective about a forbidden romance. She says the love is difficult but real, a sentiment I attached to as a young gay navigating expressing my feelings under the watchful gaze of homophobic adults and teens. 

What I want to add is that it’s so important that she references the sense that this has been building up without words. 

 Is this in my head? I don't know what to think

If she was writing about a more typical relationship, this wouldn’t make sense, but between two closeted young gays, this makes perfect sense. I experienced “relationships” that were unspoken or only referenced in a joking tone, but when it came down to it, there was an acknowledged bond beyond any of our other friendships. We held hands and slept together at sleepovers. If she was upset, she came to me to be held. She was my someone. (And yes, she turned out to be gay, too.) Imagining a day when we both proclaimed our love was so cathartic. 

Forbidden desire is also the main theme of the deluxe version track Untouchable.

Breathe

And we know it's never simple, never easy Never a clean break, no one here to save me You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

This song is another one of the exceptionally gay and well-discussed Gaylor songs. Taylor again refers to someone she knows better than anyone, similar to the above friendship love theme.

In the song she says goodbye to someone who wasn’t quite her someone--which is very gay. She chooses to sing “feeling like I just lost a friend,” rather than saying she actually just lost a friend. Despite how Colbie Callait described the song--“ it's about having to let someone go and say goodbye to a really good friend”--it’s clear this was more than a platonic bud. This resonated strongly with my unspoken romance experiences and the unspoken “breakups” that followed. 

She references a variety of different reasons for this situation in the verses, none of which are concrete. The gentle “sorry” repetition at the end further complicates our murky understanding of what caused this separation. It reads to me like a meditation on the “maybe” & “later” world of closeted gays and the repercussions that has on their relationships. 

The Way I Loved You

In The Way I Loved You, Taylor compares her current love interest (a guy who is sensible, charming, endearing, and everyone else likes) to her past flame who made her feel everything all at once. (Please see this eloquent lyric analysis from @all-my-possessions for more about this phenomenon of Taylor comparing relationships with vague pronouns in a super queer way.)

Breakin' down and comin' undone It's a roller-coaster kinda rush And I never knew I could feel that much And that's the way I loved you

This song has an easy gay reading but is still strongly relevant for this bi woman. (That is to say, whether gay or bi Taylor might have felt this way. Despite eventually realizing that I was bi, for a while I felt like I was gay simply because liking guys often felt so forced and dull in comparison.) Discovering your affection for women is intoxicating, and actually being involved with one is addictive. If you have repressed your feelings for women then suddenly allow yourself to feel and express it, those feelings come on strong. Any other relationship seems just “comfortable.”

Add in the pressure of hiding as I felt the need to do and a young country musician definitely did, a young gay romance makes for an intense, even explosive, relationship like she describes in this song and references throughout the album (on Tell Me Why, You’re Not Sorry, and The Other Side of the Door).

(x) (x)  suggested further reading

Change

This powerful anthem is about the sense that the world will improve and we will get what we deserve. There were so many “walls” politically and socially preventing gay people from being themselves, especially in a conservative community like mine. When I was exhausted from hiding my feelings, lying, and listening to nasty comments about gay people, I would listen to Change and think about how we would knock those down and be free.  

You can walk away, say we don't need this But there's something in your eyes says we can beat this

These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down This revolution, the time will come For us to finally win 

It always reminded me strongly of the gay rights and gay marriage movement I read about in the news. With each new setback, activists rallied and came back stronger. 

(Taylor sang  an emotional version of this on Rep tour.)

White Horse

I used to really mourn the loss of the white picket fence life my friends and family all expected for me. I figured as a queer woman that wouldn’t be in the cards for me, especially if/when my community found out and rejected me. (Luckily that has not been the case, but it seemed likely at the time.) 

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale

This song hit that sore spot, but it also reminded me there was a lot more of the world out there. The opinions of some people were small and easy to leave behind for other dreams.

This is a big world, that was a small town There in my rear view mirror disappearing now And its too late for you and your white horse to catch me now

I’m not the only one who saw a broader homosexual theme to this song.

SuperStar

I didn’t know this song from the platinum version growing up, but the lyrics focus on forbidden love. 👀 

This is wrong but I can't help but feel like There ain't nothing more right babe Misty morning comes again and I can't Help but wish I could see your face And I knew from the first note played I'd be breaking all my rules to see you

I would love to follow up with more from Speak Now and Red, but this post is long enough for now! I spent a lot of time compiling and organizing this. Thank you to @all-my-possessions and @kaydar for inspiring me with super thoughtful queer lyric analysis and to my friend for feedback. I hope this is helpful. I can’t wait to hear your thoughts!

[salty-dracon]

ace hang plays calling cipher part 2

(Last Time on Calling Cipher... )

Lily, screaming, and banging her hands on the table: LET RILEY SAY FUCK

(jump cut)

Lily, screaming: LET RILEY SAY FUCK OUT LOUD! NOT IN HER HEAD! WE ALL SAY FUCK INTERNALLY! AAAAA

Brid: Lily, I am begging you to calm down. This is a video game! 

Lily: *literally falls off her chair* 

Brid: Lily? Lily, are you okay? Lily?

------------

Brid: Hey guys, Ace Hang is back again with more Calling Cipher! I’m Bridget!

Lily: And I’m Lily!

Brid: When we last left off, we finished the prologue, met our protagonist, thirsted over her... 

Lily: Mostly that. 

Brid: She was so cute, though... 

Lily: We also met a few characters, thank god we’re not the only girl here, learned there was some kind of conspiracy going on, and now we’re playing detective because we’re dumb and foolish, and we’ve recruited our friends to help us. Because we are all dumb and foolish. 

Brid: So what exactly did we learn? 

Lily: Maybe they should have watched the first video in the series. 

Brid: ... Yeah. Anyway, we stole a file from a school computer and some short kid thinks we’re our long-distance boyfriend. 

Lily: Plus we ran into our ex, and also got teased over us accidentally thirsting over our calc professor. 

Brid: By everyone and their mom. And our mom too. Like damn, she’s thirsty.

Lily: Not fun. 

Brid: I think the fact that we’re making a second part makes us qualify as masochists. 

--------

Lily: Oh, hey. Chase. What’s up?

Brid: Rich people things. The economy. Republicans. Nyu hu hu hu hu. 

Lily: Never say that again. Anyway, we’re really diving right into the investigation, aren’t we? 

Brid: Yeah. Wrong route, girl. 

Lily: Nah. 

--------

Lily: She’s out here wondering if he has a swimmer bod.

Brid: I don’t actually know any swimmers, so... no wait, actually, Narin’s older brother does swim a lot, so...

Lily: But you’ve never seen him shirtless.

Brid: Yeah, no.

(five second asexual silence while music plays in the background)

Lily: Are all straight people like this?

Brid: Aw, he just winked. 

Lily: AW????

(some lines of text later, the protagonist just straight up says that the professor has a spider on his head, without making any side comments on how stupid that move was)

Brid: W O W. that was... a move. Not a power move. A move.

Lily: She doesn’t even regret that one. Holy shit.

Brid: If I said something that stupid I think I’d die of embarrassment. “Hey, Mr. Balls. There’s a spider on your head, that’s why I was staring at your piercing.”

Lily: I love how he fell for it, too! 

Brid: Fucking hell. He might actually have a personality that isn’t just “horny”. 

Lily: Oh my god, isn’t it funny that he joked about the spider and his name is Mr. Parker?

Brid: There is no way they’re going to pull a spiderman joke.

(the option to pull a spiderman joke)

Lily: OH MY GOD

Brid: THE ABSOLUTE MADWOMAN

Lily: AN ICON! A LEGEND!

Brid: LET ME MARRY HER

--------

Brid: So Riley wants to take over her parents’ network security company, while Chase wants to take over the pharm business, and... 

Lily: Guess so. And? 

Brid: Well, my parents do financial consulting, and they want me to take over. And you know how Nick’s parents are, like, huge stockholders in Kronus Technologies? 

Lily: ... Nick... who? 

Brid: Nick Kronus. I don’t think you’ve met him, but he stays at Mr. Perch’s place sometimes. He and Val... don’t exactly get along. 

Lily: Oh. So... rich prodigal son. 

Brid: Yeah. So.... actually, it’s kind of cool that both Riley and Chase want to take over their respective businesses. I mean, I don’t, and like... I’m hoping Mr. Perch will let me take on an internship or something. 

Lily: Dude, you know he’d do anything for you. He likes you more than he likes his own kid. 

Brid: I feel bad, honestly. 

(dialogue) 

Brid: “What are you up to, Chase Colton? What’s your deal?” Oh, man. He’s trying to look for information on Reynolds, isn’t he? 

Lily: Yeah... We did tell him, yeah? 

Brid: Of course. He was with us when we were looking over the computers. 

Lily: Wait, but familiar word-

(Matt walks in) 

Lily: GOD DAMN IT

Brid: I KNOW THIS IS YOUR ROUTE BUT FUCK YOU

Lily: WE ARE BUSY

Brid: YES YOU ARE INTERRUPTING SOMETHING

Lily: Oh, he knows who Chase is, too. 

Brid: Oh no. Also, I love how Chase is taller. That’s so funny. 

(dialogue) 

Brid: Oh yeah, I forgot that this was a community college. Yeah, why is Chase attending a community college? 

Lily: I love how Matt is just chipping into him. 

Brid: Man, Riley doesn’t even give a fuck. 

--------

Lily: Oh. “There are rumors of an undercover cop working the case”. That’s interesting. 

Brid: Wait. Wait. Could that be referring to Kai? 

Lily: ... Huh? 

Brid: Remember he was chatting with that guy that called him “shorty”? 

Lily: Oh, yeah. 

Brid: But first, lemme go grocery shopping! 

(The let me take a selfie song plays in the background with a bunch of grocery store vines displayed on screen for like 30 seconds) 

--------

Lily: Love this elevator music. 

Brid: (laughs out loud) She hit someone with a shopping cart! 

Lily: Fucking disaster bi! Lily: OH MY GOD IT’S THE FUCKIN. THE FUCKIN CALC GUY

Brid: SORRY WE FUCKING RAN YOU OVER WITH A SHOPPING CART DUDE

Lily: JE NE REGRETTE NEIN

Brid: I REGRETTE IT

Lily: “so anyway you just killed my foot”

Brid: “no i didn’t”

Lily: “fuck you i’ll sue”

Brid: “you’re poor”

Lily: “and now you’re roasting me”

Brid: “shut up and i’ll buy you coffee”

Lily: “and now you want to poison me”

Brid: “ha joke’s on you i’m a mess”

Lily: This fucking banter, dude. 

--------

Brid: She’s a PALADIN who rides a GIANT FLYING MANTA???

Lily: I LOVE her. 

Brid: I’d die for her. 

Lily: Damn, he sure knows a lot about network security. HMMMMMM

Brid: Oh would you calm down?

(more witty banter until he calls her cute)

Brid: “HE JUST CALLED ME CUTE!” Fool, I’m in love with her too! 

Lily: You’re out there, and she’s- OH SHIT! SHE JUST GOT HIT IN THE FACE WITH A DODGEBALL!

Brid: Ouch!

Lily: Okay, but like, seriously? I’ve gotten hit in the face with dozens of balls and yeah. Ouch. 

(romantic scene) 

Brid: She is so cute. 

Lily: Wait. He has a ponytail? 

Brid: So? Sam has one. Anyway, she’s precious. 

Lily: SHE THOUGHT FUCK AGAIN-

-------

Brid: Great. We call our mom and get even more roasted. 

Lily: I. Hate this. But at the same time, I wish my mom were, like, cool. 

Brid: Okay, but like, yeah. I’d take being roasted over the bullshit I have to deal with every day. 

Lily: Anyway, I now know where she got that sass of hers. 

Brid: “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS??”

Lily: “I’m a romantic, honey! Also, like... make sure you get me some of that”

Brid: Oh, she’s asking about that program that deletes the original from the original IP. 

Lily: Right. I love how the mom’s just like- “no. don’t do this again, honey. you promised”

Brid: This fucking MC... she is so valid. 

-------

Lily: Oh hey. It’s Kai. 

Brid: Time to pull out my Val impression. 

Lily: Can’t wait! 

Brid: “How the hell should I know? Did you give all of the computers nicknames?” Pff. I love doing my Val impression for this guy. It’s so on point. 

Lily: What did Val say about your Val impression, anyway? 

Brid: He said that my voice was too high pitched to sound anything like his voice, but Arthur said the inflection was spot-on!

Lily: I definitely see that, yeah. 

Brid: I mean, he’s so Val, though... 

Lily: Don’t start assigning kins, now. 

Brid: I’m not looking to get murdered by one of my co-stars. Oh, hey, Chase is here. 

Lily: And looks like we’re actually going to learn something. 

-------

Brid: Dyphine! 

Lily: A drug they’re working on. Stolen two years ago... 

Brid: And Jennifer Reynolds stole it and deleted every other copy. 

Lily: Damn. 

Brid: And you could net a lot of cash for it. 

Lily: ... Wow. And he needs our help to track her down. 

Brid: Do you trust him? 

Lily: Do I trust anyone? 

Brid: Yeah, good point. I mean, it’s Big Pharma, but at the same time, he’s been earnest with us. 

Lily: Oh, but wait! We have the formula! 

Brid: Yes! Let’s solve this case. 

Lily: I swear to god, if we head back home and it’s deleted. Because that’s totally going to happen. 

-------

Lily: OH NO. We’ve been hacked. 

(text on screen pointing to brid with her eyes wide at the art)

Brid: Well, shit. Cinematic hacking time! 

Lily: And this music is epic! It’s like final boss shit! 

Brid: Go girl! Go counter hack them!

Lily: YEAH BABEY

Brid: “If I’m going down, you’re coming with me, motherfucker! Yeah baby!”

Lily: I can’t believe she’s spamming the connection with pussy pics. 

Brid: ... did you have to phrase it like that

Lily: Hey, they’re saying something. I’ll voice it. “Bitmap? Really?”

Brid: “SORRY NOT SORRY”

Lily: “You have something of mine...” Oh no, it’s Jennifer!

Brid: Oh my god. 

Lily: Wait, no...? “I’m the guy who’s about to break your last shield”...? 

Brid: What? 

Lily: Wow, this is intense. “Nice job with the flooding btw.” Damn. “Would have worked if I weren’t on Egon.” Where was that mentioned before?

Brid: Huh. 

Lily: “Cute pic, though. Later, kitten.”

Brid: ... Is it... the teacher? 

Lily: Let’s see... yarn... crap, I can’t see past the dialogue box. 

Brid: Mah girl’s fired up! What’s next, baby! 

Lily: ... 

Brid: ... 

Lily: THERE’S AN UNRELEASED PART 2??

----------

(post video)

Brid: So what are your theories regarding Calc Daddy?

Lily: ... did you have to call him that

Brid: *snort*

Lily: Okay, like in all seriousness... hold on, give me like, fifteen minutes to collect my thoughts, because I have a lot of theories and they need some time in the Brain Oven. 

(one jump cut later, Lily is holding up a sheet of paper, which Brid is trying to look at, but Lily isn’t letting her)

Lily: Okay, so my conclusion from what I saw so far is that there is a 90% chance that he is, at the very least, connected to Juh-Reynolds and he’s either Jennifer herself, or working with her. My reasons are thus. First, you saw in the prologue that he called Ry-Ry “his little thief” indicating that she stole something from him. And he traced it using an IP address. So unless ya boi Cipher somehow VPN’d and made us a puppet, that file was somehow “his”. But wouldn’t it belong to Jreynolds, since Dyphine was HER research?

Brid: A-jreynold-in.

Lily: Fuck you. Second, and this one’s more of a symbolism thing, you might recall that password for the file was “icarus”. You know who he is, right?

Brid: Yeah, the guy who sculpted wax wings, flew into the sky, and then they melted and he fell.

Lily: You know how his sprite has a necklace shaped like a wing when he’s not wearing clothes?

Brid: When he’s not wearing clothes?

Lily: When he’s not wearing his suit and tie. Oh my god, we’re not at third base yet!

Brid: *laughs* Okay, but like, actually... that is interesting, I never made that connection.

Lily: Third, you saw how hard he grilled Chase over the whole “why the fuck are you attending a community college” thing. We didn’t notice because he was literally doing exactly what we wanted to do, and giving us the answers without us even needing to ask.

Brid: Yeah, and Riley was like, “yeah, keep saying shit”. I don’t know if he thought we shared the same goal or something... or if it was just a coincidence. Or, no! He probably wanted to know what we needed to know for J. K. Reynolds.

Lily: And number 4 does fit in with all of these, plus it also gives a clue to his motive. He said some things that would sound normal, except, they might not... I forget the exact context, but something about buying something expensive came up, and Riley said something like “aren’t you a community college professor, why are you doing something expensive, you don’t get paid for shit” and I think it was about moving into the neighborhood, though I could be wrong. And like, even though Riley is attending a community college, her parents are like network security people, she’s rich. And he’s... not?

Brid: Okay?

Lily: Recall that Chase said that you could make a shit ton of money from selling that formula. If he’s not J-Money herself, I think he’s working with her for a cut of the profits. More than enough to buy a house.

Brid: Right, and whatever answer he was about to give, we never got to hear it because mah girl got hit in the face with a soccer ball. 

Lily: Also, this one might be weird, but remember when we were hacked and we were sent a kitten picture?

Brid: Yeah?

Lily: Wasn’t the kitten sitting on a really pink blanket?

Brid: Yeah, it was, I think. Why are you asking?

Lily: It was shown off, so I think it’s relatively significant. This might be a long shot, and it does have a few conditions, but recall that he said at some point that he was staying with a friend. And I think he does chat with Riley at some point about high level computer stuff. Assuming he was the hacker or knew the hacker, I think from that, and the fact that the blanket was pink, that we can infer that his friend is a woman. And who’s the only adult woman in this series? ... besides our dirty minded mom?

Brid: It’s Jennolds!

Lily: That was... actually really clever. And we know that she can’t exactly show her face with Chase around. So she might be sending someone to do her dirty work for her. *eyes light up* ... wait, who’s the professor he replaced? Because he said that he’d be subbing for someone, some female professor, and then he cancelled all of our tests-

Brid: ...

Lily: ...

(they both dive for the keyboard)

(Text pops up on black: It was “Professor Mendez”, not “Reynolds”. Well, shit.)

(More text: The wing necklace part was correct. The grilling Chase part was also correct. However, though the pieces about him not getting paid much as a community college professor was mentioned, there was nothing about how much it cost to move into the neighborhood. We might have been thinking of the cosplayer character. But we forgot the fact that he happened to know network security programs pretty well when we were talking about the manta ray mount.)

(More text: Also, we were wrong about the pink blanket. It was more of a grey-ish-purple, but there was also a ball of yarn and a folded blue striped something on the blanket. Wonder what it could be?... seriously Lily thought it was his tie, but the text box is a bitch)

(More text: Anyway our conclusions are the same. Unless these were a bunch of red herrings.)

[amwritingmeta]

13x05 Hopes (and Ramblings)

Evening, gals and pals! I’m just going to throw this in the pot before going to bed and trying to get a few hours sleep before getting up at the crack of dawn to watch this episode. I’m so fucking excited there aren’t even words to describe it!! The sneak peek is GOLDEN!!

Here are my hopes - all of them to be understated af in the narrative, of course, but I would love LOVE to see:

The reason Sam is “being nice”, and trying to get Dean to engage in stuff that has always signalled performing!Dean to us, is tied to Sam’s understanding of Dean

In my mind, Sam’s understanding of Dean is wholly rooted in two perceptions:

1 --> 

performing!Dean is such a part of Dean’s real personality to Sam that Sam doesn’t see these traits as a facade, so every time the facade slips it makes Sam uncomfortable (like enjoying different music than the five records Dean listens to over and over and over again, for example, or being knowledgable about classic works of fiction or knowing nerdy shit) 

It makes Sam uncomfortable because suddenly he doesn’t know if he really knows his brother as a person, which Sam fundamentally doesn’t because there is a lot of personal stuff that Dean has always kept incredibly private

Because Dean hasn’t been able to fully engage with that personal stuff himself, because Dean has suppressed sides to himself his whole life, because those sides of him have been labeled as weaknesses, and he can’t be weak if he’s going to Protect Sammy

2 -->

As much as Sam sees performing!Dean as the true identity of Dean (which of course it isn’t), Sam is also good at reading people, he’s an observer and he’s not stupid, so to my mind there is no question that he knows Dean is bisexual.

I mean, we’ve seen evidence of this on more than one occasion and sorry I’m too tired to list them here, but 4x06 and drunk!Dean flirting with the cute police officer until Sam comes and hauls him away is one of those instances and then there’s the “Are you strictly into dick now” comment and Dean’s REACTION to it, which more or less says that he knows Sam knows.

Dean’s sexuality is NOT A BIG DEAL HERE and I just love that so fucking much because I believe the Big Deal is Dean’s stubborn inability to DEAL WITH HIS FUCKING FEELINGS because it’s been knocked into him that feelings are weaknesses weaknesses weaknesses and losing Cas has made Dean believe that this is the absolute truth and there’s no hope and there’s no happy ending EVER.

(fuck this narrative) (GOD)

So to summarise:

1. Sam sees performing!Dean as the real Dean: classic rock, cool car, BAMF big brother who saves the world and gets the girl (and sometimes boy though they never actually talk about that, of course) (because boys have more often connected to those feelings than girls ever have...) (and Dean doesn’t talk about feelings) (right?) (right)

2. Sam knows Dean is bi

Which is why I believe Sam knows exactly how in love with Cas Dean actually is. It’s not because he knows Dean somehow better than Dean knows himself, it’s because the sexuality stuff has never been a big thing - it’s just part of who Dean is to Sam - so Sam’s watched the attraction Dean has had to Cas, and by S11 Sam started seeing how that attraction was moving into something more.

And yes, I know Sam referred to Cas as “a strong vessel” etc. but Sam also kept a clear head in that season, and saw the Lucifer situation from the opposite spectrum to the emotionally compromised Dean: Cas made a choice. Just as Sam refers to Mary’s choice to go up against Lucifer before falling through the rift - no matter how much he mourns his mother, he won’t blame her actions on Jack.

Anyway, all this is based in my reading of the narrative and I have a feeling 13x05 will either enforce my perception of Sam actually understanding Dean’s grief over the loss of the love of his life, or 13x05 will serve to break this perception apart, and I couldn’t give less of a fuck either way, I’m ecstatic to see where Yockey is taking us with this episode, but if it’s enforced... oh, I can see good things. I know there’ll be good things either way, but oh these good things... 

They might actually use Sam - going on the promo - to push for Dean to engage with the stuff that are his go-to coping mechanisms because, to Sam, this stuff is what usually puts Dean in a “good” mood. Sam trying to connect with Dean through hunting, food, booze, sex is a powerful fucking way to underline how these things will not put Dean in a good mood this time around - either because Dean doesn’t want them/need them or because Dean tries to engage and realises they do nothing for him anymore. Setting it up like this could serve to expose the performance to Sam AND the GA and to continue to push the deconstruction of performing!Dean. (the mind delights) (and personally I prefer the former where Dean doesn’t even see the point in engaging, but if we get the latter idgaf) (just UNDERLINE PLEASE) (aaaahhhhh almost time to watch this episode aaaahhhhh) (ok calming down)

The thought of Sam possibly trying to connect to Dean after Dean gave him that moment of honesty at the end of the last episode, Sam in this episode trying his best to help Dean find closure, help him move on, gives me heart palpitations. I will fucking celebrate with the neighbours if this happens - however understated it may be!! Because this whole episode is about letting go, right? Because who’s coming back this episode? Who’s on the move back to them?? *screaming ghost emoji* 

Also, Sam can relate to what Dean is going through. Sam lost the woman he loved. Sam knows about “no normal after that”. Sam also knows that you learn to live with the grief. I hope, more than anything, that Sam is the key to Dean gaining a sense of acceptance of that fact. 

I would also love (however possibly very unlikely it is we get this now) more of a confrontation in this episode. They’ve both addressed the root of their grief: Dean told Sam why he can’t let go of Cas (more or less) and Sam has told Dean why he can’t let go of Mary, but Sam being supportive might not be enough... I would just... if Sam even so much at hints at Dean being overly controlling, at Dean always blaming himself for everything... if they have a loud or a subtle, quiet confrontation about any of this stuff that Sam knows has shaped so much of their history, of how they relate to each other and how he’s related to Dean ... and Sam more or less gets to confront his own foremost parental figure now that they’re moving out of the brodependency... But it might be too early for this. I’d just love love love it.

Anyway, we might not get ANY of this.

What I am crossing fingers for, though, with most of you, I’m sure, is for that “Hello, Dean” to finish the episode. Come on, give us one more Cas-related cliffhanger. :D Please please please please.

As for Cas? Not a fucking clue what his plot strand will look like. I’m getting heart palpitations from that as well. Good ones! :P I’ve been smiling along with him all week. Every time I’ve had a quiet moment and thought to myself “Cas is ALIVE. And SMILING!” :D

I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE WHAT THEY GIVE US!

Now I must sleep. See you on the other side!!

[cavesalamander]

Do you have any queer book recs? Preferably not the kind where it's like a coming out book or a Queer Struggle™?

Thanks for the ask!

Honestly I don’t go seeking out a lot of queer books for just that reason - also because being ace and mostly aro, I tend to go for heavy world building and action/adventure, with romance being mostly incidental, if there at all. Also series that last a while and let me know the characters really well.

I also don’t tend to read books that aren’t already at least somewhat popular, so if you want more indie queer book recs, please go check out https://twitter.com/tatehallaway this badass lady on the twitters. I haven’t read any of her books (yet, entirely because I haven’t read anything longer than a couple thousand words in way too long) but I met her at World Con where she hosted a panel on diversity in fiction. She’s a queer writer and is super approachable and friendly. I’m sure she’d be able to point you in the right direction, if not rec some of her own books!

I also would totally recommend checking out Mark Oshiro who recently wrote and got his own book published!! I’m super excited for him, and I’m gonna buy it at some point. His reviews of books are really entertaining too, and he gets pretty autobiographical during them. His fans often recommend queer books and TV shows to him too - so then you get to watch him cry when he realizes that this character that he fell in love with is SURPRISE GAY and he’s so happy he can’t with the emotions. (He’s also a total sweetheart in person holy crap. I got to talk to him at World Con too.)

There’s also TritonYA, which is a publishing house that is working on publishing queer YA genre fiction. I haven’t read any of the 3 books they posted so far because I don’t have the f o c u s these days, and none of them really caught my interest from the summary.

As for books I’VE read... (Apologies that these are like all from cis straight authors afaik, they’re just the ones who I read/ started reading 10+ years ago when I used to read all the time... and back then there just wasn’t the visibility of queer authors, and I didn’t go searching for particular books. I just don’t read very much anymore aaahhh!)

The Circle of Magic series by Tamora Pierce is FANTASTIC. It’s very much romance light - very heavy on the friendship and bonds between the four main characters. But one of the four MCs is lesbian, and there are other queer secondary characters. One of the other girls reads to me as ace/aro too, but that hasn’t been confirmed. (And like 99% of the time my hopes are dashed, but I can see Pierce actually writing an ace character who stays ace.)

Keep in mind that when the series starts they’re like 10, so romance doesn’t come into play until the later books when they’re 16, which is when one of the characters realizes she’s into girls and not boys.

The series is so good too. Pierce’s world building is so good always. She’s like my fuckin idol when it comes to how she does it. The lesbian chara’s character arc about realizing she’s into girls is handled pretty well IMO - the world as a whole isn’t homophobic, so the struggle is mild and mostly self discovery. And the romance is centered around the political struggles happening at the time - is the girl she likes flirting back bc REAL FEELINGS or bc SNEAKY POLITICS!? And SHOULD SHE STAY OR SHOULD SHE GO. Which, given the story as a whole, (and her other writings) this is pretty much in line with how a het romance would be treated.

Trials of Apollo and the Magnus Chase series by Rick Riordan are pretty good too. I don’t like Riordan’s worldbuilding like I love Pierce’s, and he’s writing as a cis straight man but his books are still a lot of fun. There’s a gay kid who gets a couple of POV chapters in an earlier series, (Percy Jackson) but he’s got a lot more of The Struggle going on in his story. (Kinda understandable considering he was born in the 30s, but still.)

Trials follows, well, Apollo who is unapollogetically bi because that’s canon greek myth. (Incidentally, one of his kids is dating the Struggle boy from before and they are very cute together, if a fairly background relationship). Apollo is also totally full of himself and hilarious, and his trials are of course gonna be about how he has to eat a big fuckin slice of humble pie because that’s how grecian trials work. Only like one or two books are out so far, but it looks like it’s gonna be a lot of fun!

Magnus Chase is about a guy who dies and gets sent to Valhalla and becomes a demigod basically. In the second book, a third MC is introduced who is genderfluid/bigender, and by the end of it, Magnus is kinda crushing on her so, that’s cool! I’m not sure yet how it’s gonna be played, since Magnus so far seems to be striaght, and sometimes his love interest is a boy... but I have a pretty good feeling it’s going to be addressed.

Riordan’s a cis straight white dude but he’s definitely done his research. Some of the bits come off kinda “here’s my research laid out” but he started his first series with the goal of, “I want my son to see heroes who are like him. Heroes with ADHD and dyslexia.” And now he’s like “I have fans who are poc, and fans who are queer, and I want them to see themselves too.” And his stories are fun. Which is the important part, in my opinion!

Gunnerkrigg Court by Tom Siddell is actually a webcomic, not a novel, but the MC is most likely aro/ace, and her best friend is bi, who currently is in a relationship with another girl - and there’s at least two other queer couples in the story... and strong hints that one of the characters is a trans girl, and another that used to be a female rabbit but is now a male human, gender unknown as of yet. They didn’t seem particularly bothered by the change though.

It’s also a book about robots and magic and birds and ROBOTS and family legacy and friendship and love and R O B O T S!!! Listen it’s just REALLY GOOD OKAY? Please read it. Please please please!!

The Bartimaeus Trilogy by Johnathan Stroud is one of my all time favorite book series, though it’s the least explicitly queer. There’s no romance in it whatsoever, and the human MC reads to me as aro/ace. (The one time he feels something resembling sexual attraction, he realizes almost instantly that something is Wrong and that he was put under a spell. Lmao...) Human MC is also a ginormous fucking shitlord but I love him a lot, and compared to all the other shitlords in the series, he’s actually pretty moral.

Demon MC is also a shitlord, and somehow works as human MC’s moral compass. Also he’s hilarious. And okay, so... when I was younger, I never really read into anything. But demon MC has this boy from his past who he absolutely loves a lot. You can choose to read it whichever way you want, but it’s a very deep and strong love. QP is likely though unintentional hahaa! Very important... I really need to read the prequel book to see more into how the relationship developed...

A girl is introduced as an MC in the second? and third book. She’s Very Good and also not a love interest. Like it’s way easier to read into a romance between the demon and the boy from his past than it is to read into girl MC and boy MC.

Swordspoint by Ellen Kushner This one I actually got on rec from the librarian I asked for queer books. It’s an older book, like from the 80s and this one I’m pretty sure the author IDs as bi, so hey that’s at least one rec from a queer author. The book is just set in a fantasy world where sexuality is like WHATEVER! and everyone fights with swords and honor and the MC and everyone else are all total fucking pricks but also bisexual.

It’s the most adult and romancy book out of all of them, but the love scenes aren’t explicit or anything. Definitely a recommended read if you wanna see some earlier rep. The copy of the book I got from the library had a recommendation by GRRM on the cover - one that I think predated his rise to fame. You can definitely see why he’d like it. There’s lots of political drama, affairs, murder, swords, etc.

People die, and I don’t necessarily want to spoil you on if the MC or the MC’s love interest dies unless you want me to (You’re welcome to ask!), but it IS a romance, and it’s not centered around The Struggle at all, and I don’t think it counts as Bury Your Gays if EVERYONE is queer!

So that’s what I have off the top of my head. I only counted MAIN characters in this, none of that “someone was gay once in the background see? representation!!!” crap. And like I said, it’s been a while since I’ve really sat down and read anything in earnest. The Swordspoint book was the only one I found while I was actively looking for queer books, the rest is just happy happenstance!

Let me know if you have any questions, and feel free to reblog!

[arielmagicesi]

Hi, sorry. So I am new to the st/efvater world, and I've only read one of her books (raven boys), and like I see you posting stuff about her a lot, but only like little bits and pieces, and I feel like I'm missing something and don't understand what's going on cause I'm not really in the fandom; I've just read one book, and don't really know anything about her. I'm sorry, this is rambling mess, but if you could enlighten me a little bit I would appreciate it.

OK I took a while to respond and I’m gonna try to be objective and polite but there isn’t a whole lot of objective politeness in this soul of mine, but I will try.

Maggie St/efvater (I only spell it that way so it doesn’t show up in her tag and annoy people, I’ll just call her Maggie for the rest of this post) is this fairly popular YA author, and she wrote the Wolves of Mercy Falls series, the Scorpio Races, and the Raven Cycle. Her writing is very good (I have some bones to pick about it as a writer but mostly it’s pretty good) and the Raven Cycle in particular has gained a big fandom because it’s an excellent series. I guess you would know cause you’ve read TRB- the concept is unique, it has cool magic stuff, there’s fascinating character concepts, and the teenagers do a lot of realistic teenager stuff like being annoying and cursing and either doing their homework or not, etc. And if I haven’t made it abundantly clear with my posts, a lot of us in the fandom fell in love with the main characters for many reasons, but especially because they represent parts of ourselves that aren’t often represented. Abuse victims who don’t react in a Good Abuse Victim way, poor teenagers who scrape and claw to get out of their shitty towns, mentally ill kids who have ugly unpleasant symptoms, girls who are feminists but whose feminism is a little messy because they grow up in a terrible small town, etc.

Unfortunately, the development of the Raven Cycle fandom online, like the development of ANY goddamn fandom on the accursed Internet, led to some gross pockets of fandom. In the second book, an abusive character called Ka/vinsky shows up, and some heavy subtext suggests that he’s gay and into one of the main characters, Ronan. He’s absolutely awful and monstrous to Ronan and the others, but you know how fandom is, they started shipping it and being like “Ka/vinsky’s just a misunderstood cinnamon roll uwu” and generally being the worst about it. Additionally, some parts of fandom started hating on the two lower-class characters, Adam and Blue, for not always being sweet and nice about the class privilege of all their wealthy friends, and for reacting "badly” to literal abuse and sexism.  so the fandom is a mess, yeah

In the second and third books, also, (spoiler alert I guess? I mean if you follow my blog you can’t avoid knowing this haha) it’s suggested and then made all but direct canon, that Ronan is gay and has a crush on Adam. So, like, everyone shipped it because they’re a great ship and it was pretty obvious it was gonna be made canon in book four.

But Maggie interacts a lot with the fandom online, and obviously the clashing of fandom issues like this with any author would lead to some mess, but the way she treated it was....... terrible. She would make jokes about Ronan being Gansey’s “dog” and things like that. She milked the whole “writing a gay character” thing for all it was worth, and would never really say “hey, Adam and Ronan are a romantic thing” but would hint at it constantly, which, if you don’t know, is agonizing to watch when you’re desperate for any representation of your identity. She eventually said “I realize you guys are used to being baited, so don’t worry, the ‘other kiss’ will be between the people you hope it’ll be between” or something like that. And she would talk about Ronan being gay, but never address whether Adam was bi, and god forbid those words were used in the books. In the fourth book, although they do actually kiss and presumably get together, they don’t talk about it, and they never use the words “gay” or “bisexual.” Her excuse was that she’s writing for a world without labels. Leaving aside that that’s bullshit and a straight* woman doesn’t get to say that when we are out here in a homophobic world and saying our labels out loud is a sign of pride, she actually didn’t write a world without labels. The aforementioned Ka/vinsky is constantly using homophobic slurs to describe Ronan, boys at the private school make homophobic jokes, Adam’s dad makes lowkey homophobic remarks, etc. So labels are OK if they’re nasty and negative and used against you, but you’re never allowed to say who you are out loud.

When she gets called out on this whole mess- or a number of other things**- her response is to block people, tell people “if you are hostile one more time you’ll be blocked,” to reply to private posts by teenagers, to sic her army of clueless fans on young LGBT mentally ill readers, to claim that she’s being bullied and attacked, to make vague posts talking about “callout culture” and how it’s mature to avoid “discourse,” etc. I talked a while back about how I’ve made several fully thought-out posts critiquing her, but when I sent her a polite ask about her next book, she replied linking me to one of my own joke posts about “hating” her, making it clear that she apparently has me down on some sort of list of haters or something. And at least she responded privately, so that her other fans didn’t attack me, which has happened to other younger fans before.

She claims to be an ally, but she only really wants the ally points. She’ll talk your ear off about how brave she is for “writing an on-page queer relationship” as a straight woman, but when actual queer teenagers critique her for the way she writes it, she throws a fit and absolutely refuses to listen. She doesn’t want to do the work.

Additionally, she is writing a follow-up series called “the dreamer trilogy” which she drops constant hints about on her social media. It will center on Ronan (naturally, because she’s admitted Ronan is her self-insert and has butchered his character development for the sake of giving him a life identical to hers and fulfilling her fantasies of driving fast cars 24/7 and being an asshole with no consequences) and she’s making it increasingly obvious that none of the other characters we all fell in love with will feature at all. And basically any plotllines we enjoyed, she scraps (often out of spite?), and any plotlines we hate, she makes sure to write tons about (I’m talking about the magical artifact community. No one cares. We started reading for the house of psychics and Glendower and Gwenllian, not the fucking Greenmantles and their haunted doll babies or whatever).

The fandom obviously responded with like “ooh! more Pynch!” because like, fandoms like ships, but ALSO BECAUSE some of us are goddamn LGBT teenagers who are starving for representation and we want to see that “on page queer relationship” she brags about. And yet, at every opportunity, she makes remarks like, “This won’t be a romance. It won’t be the cuddle trilogy. It won’t have relationship drama, that doesn’t interest me. It won’t be fanservice. It won’t be lovey dovey, it won’t be cute, etc.” No, I don’t want fanservice or drama or the cuddle trilogy. But given her history, when Maggie says shit like that, I get worried, as someone who’s been baited a thousand times before. Doesn’t anyone see how awful it is to dangle representation like this? To say “ooh, look, someone who has the same identity as you? Juuuust kidding I’m not writing about it?” She can’t just say what we want to hear, which is “Adam will be there. I’ll say the word gay. I’ll say the word bisexual. Their relationship will be treated as real as Blue and Gansey’s or as any other relationship I write. Not the main focus of the plot, but THERE.” Because she’s not GOING to do any of those things, because writing actual gay relationships makes her uncomfortable. But she can’t say that or she’ll lose her sales.

And when she says all this bullshit about “I won’t write a romance” she gets so much FUCKING praise from her straight readers who think she’s the sun and fucking stars because their shit brand of feminism thinks all romances are equal and romance is insipid drivel and that a feminist book, apparently, is one token white girl who has a pink switchblade being sort-of in the background of a bunch of rich boys fucking around. I’m not saying I didn’t like that very book and that I don’t love that girl and her switchblade, but Maggie has to actually LEARN and IMPROVE and not go backwards. If she wants all this credit for gay representation, she has to actually write gay representation. And if not, I’m not congratulating her for “not writing relationship drama!!!!” because all that says to me is “yuck, I’m not writing gay stuff.” She says “relationship drama doesn’t interest me” and yet she wrote pages upon pages of Blue’s mother making out with a hit man. Relationship drama sure does seem to interest her. This isn’t her taking a Stand against romance, it’s her finding a way to make homophobia seem cool and progressive.

So yeah. That’s why she pisses me off.

*I know I know, “she’s never said her sexuality! How can you call her straight?” On the off chance she’s bisexual (she’s married to a man with kids), that doesn’t excuse her homophobic bullshit. She’s acting like an asshole straight person so yeah I’m gonna call her straight.

**Here are some other problems she’s been called out for and her bullshit reactions:

-Blue is basically the only female character and has no female friends or anything. Maggie says “well none of them had friends!” OK so why isn’t there another girl in the group? Why is her family the only other women who have page time besides villains and other relatives of main characters?

-Gansey gives Adam a lot of grief for not being fond of Gansey’s wealth, but Adam never makes Gansey apologize for blaming Adam for the abuse he endured? Maggie doesn’t have a comment on this, I don’t think.

-In book four, Ronan and Adam make racist jokes at the expense of the One (1) character of color, Henry Cheng. Maggie didn’t address this outright because “spoilers” but made a post about it saying that it wasn’t meant to be a racist joke, it was a throwback to some random joke from book one, and any good reader would know that.

-Blue isn’t a very intersectional feminist, which is fine, but it’s never really addressed, apparently because “all the characters are damn fools!” Who never get any character development except for Adam whose development essentially consists of “I stopped being prejudiced against the rich!” (and lots of other personal things but still)

Yeah, that’s about all I can think of. This didn’t end up being very neutral but I have class in 10 minutes and yeah this is hella long I just wanted to get it all out. I hope I don’t get shit for this, but you know what, anons? Go ahead, send me stuff saying I’m a nasty bitch and should stay away from fandom for criticizing poor Maggie. I don’t even care.

OH AND THEBROKENBREAKINGSEAS: THANK YOU FOR YOUR QUESTION. I know I answered in a horrifically mean tone but that ISN’T directed towards you, you were just asking! Don’t take my words at face value, I’m super biased. If you’re interested, you can go read Maggie’s blog and Twitter account, or other fans’ essays on this, etc. I’m glad you asked! And thanks for still following me after all this stuff haha. I’m normally... nicer? I think? Thanks again.