#[ sylvie: *experiences deep trauma and grief* ]

[sylvctica]

trying to write headcanons and dive into it on a foggy brain sucks cause im still trying to sort out how sylvie feels emotions. they’re loud, reactive and they are definitely emotional; not empathetic, more sympathetic. they feel their emotions in the moment, and when that emotional high wears off (may it be negative, positive, or just strong in general), they go back to ... a neutral stance.

it kinda becomes a thing over the years that they’ve notice that they finally have emotions that stay, concepts that have stuck to them, memories and thoughts that revive emotions that they thought they already processed so it becomes the equivalent of: “why am i still stuck on this? why? i’ve already sorted out my feelings on this. isn't it support to go away?”

which you know, is a big fat lie if they’re still feeling it even now, cause they never truly let themselves go through that entire wave of emotion because they’re scared of how overwhelming it is. it’s one thing to exprerience something in the moment and be reactive, it’s another to relive something you’ve already experienced, especially when they’re a person that doesn’t want to live in the past anymore.

they also don’t know how to handle it, or reach out in particular to anyone because they’ve never really had to up till now for emotional support. they reach out for companionship, yes, or if they do feel alone or just want to bug someone for fun -- but they’ve never felt comfortable enough to talk to anyone about those sort of things.

it comes with the mentality of being a god, which although they’ve broken some good parts of it, some others have stuck. being seen as a god means you must be strong, you must be self-sufficient, you must be self-supportive, you have people that rely on you so you cannot be weak -- at least that’s what sylvie still has engrained in their brain which is still hard to detach from even after 2k years of not being duty bound anymore.

there’s three primary unresolved things that sylvie still needs to process:

i’ve already said this one enough times on my blog but conceptualizing the loss of friends on their reawakening which caused a deep fear of loneliness to come out of it

the raw anger and hatred towards celestia for khaenri’ah which although they have partially resolved, it still lingers and will push them towards decisions in support of demolishing it (by extension, some unresolved anger towards the role of the archons in it)

guilt of abandoning their duty, they will, for the most part, feel like they have failed in being the guardian they were meant to be, since they left their village in a time of need [for unknown reasons yet]

they will most likely avoid the topics mentioned, and if they slip up a little bit into revealing something they will immediately reroute the conversation somewhere else.

i guess TL;DR sylvie needs to learn to be vulnerable but they’re scared of it and by extension are still in their mentality of ‘i am a god i need to be strong’ so ... they dont tell anyone about it even if it bugs them