#[ ps. bro u know looking this good was unfair right??? ]

[entiish]

andy  whitfield  as  𝐒𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐔𝐒. 𝐒𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐜𝐮𝐬:  𝐁𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐝  𝐚𝐧𝐝  𝐒𝐚𝐧𝐝.  S02E12 , “Revelations.”

     ( my spartacus series. )

[dolphin-enthusiast]

bună seara, dragă mea 🌹🌜✨ ahh i hope i wrote that correctly,, another romanian friend of mine taught me that haha, he teaches me romanian phrases in exchange for me teaching him bits of italian ☀ ah, so much to address no? well, i'll just start off by saying i wasn't expecting my friend to expose my problems like that,, i'm not mad at all, just surprised. let me first say that i am okay as of writing this. i have eaten and hydrated and have been taking naps all day, i am stable. (1/9)

"my older brother and other siblings have been taking good care of me, and two of my friends came to sneak me out of the house for a bit and bought me food. so i am fairly calm right now (2/9)

now then, about that person, it was just some texts i woke up to that caught me off guard, my friends are apparently planning to go after this person, even though i insisted on not making this a big deal, and frankly i didn't wanna worry you all either, i feel bad when i do. (3/9)

sadly i hear a lot of horrid things directed at me on a daily basis, so this is quite ordinary and there's not much i can do about it, i cope by trying to stay positive for others and be as kind/loving as i can since i usually don't have people to treat me that way, you're quite the exception, what i thought of as a stupid question blossomed into something i could never imagine, and i was shocked to see how everyone, including you, took to me quite quickly (and not in a joking way either) (4?/9)

i'm not used to it at all, so i mean it from the bottom of my heart when i say that everything you guys say and do means the world to me, i get overwhelmed with positive emotion when you all treat me so sweetly, i truly couldn't ask for anything more. that being said, i wasn't planning to open up about my mental health on this account (since i don't wanna talk about these dark subjects when trying to brighten other's days),, (5/9)

but i guess it's warranted now so hopefully you all can understand me better and not worry as much, i suffer from multiple mental illnesses, two different depressive disorders, an anxiety disorder, and body dysmorphia, some from genetics and others from trauma. i try to keep it on the down-low to not bring down anyone's moods, so i be as cheerful as i can. i'm professionally treated for it, so please don't fret. it really went downhill during the start of this pandemic and declined since (6/9)

i was absolutely miserable, and having dealt with many s*icid*l tendencies, self hatred, and lots of destructive habits, i was truly falling apart my sister introduced me to your blog sometime in january, and even though i did not have a tumblr, i still greatly enjoyed checking it everyday with her and requesting things from time to time, it's a nice escape from the world i live in, and after months of checking your blog, i decided to interact a bit more with that silly ask of mine. (7/9)

it really is a miracle that we formed such a bond, it's truly the best thing to have happened this year, i love having such a meaningful connection and getting to experience some positivity everyday i am completely serious when i say that you and the followers give me something to look forward to everyday, and you all have helped me to stay a little longer on this planet. i owe you all so much for that, so i still plan on popping up everyday to cheer you all up,, (8/9)

i could never thank you all enough, you all truly do mean the world to me 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 i can't wait to come back tomorrow with something more lighthearted, so please keep being extraordinary, because i'd hate to lose connection with any of you - from the bottom of my heart and soul, with much love, your local waifu xoxo 💘 ps: i can't wait to hopefully meet someday morgy darling, there's lots i'd love to do, so that's another reason for me to stay alive a little longer 💞 (9/9)"

Dear this is quite alot so i'll just start by saying that im flattered u greeted me in romanian😳✌️ i dont wanna pull a ghiaccio but although dragă does exist in this context it would be more like "bună seara dragA mea" but it really doesnt matter bc my wig is snatched and i was n o t expecting this ddhxhddj

Trivial matters aside, you shouldnt feel pressured into opening up on here even though some things surfaced but you did it nonetheless and im proud of u bc i myself would rather y e e t than talk abt myself and personal issues🤡🤡🤡 but aNywAyS let me start off by saying that again, you shouldnt get used to horrid things being said to u. Its fucking tragic that u get treated like this meanwhile all u do is be kind and care for others, but them treating u like that is entirely THEIR fault and u should never feel guilty for it. And keep telling others if shit happens (including us if u want) since we're all gonna do some good ol' as whooping @ the ppl that talk shit😤👋

I wont reveal much but just so you know i completely understand what you're going through and felt what you described in ur letter on a spiritual level, although i know just saying "i relate" doesnt really help. Its unfortunate and unfair ur goin thru this and yes i agree the pandemic did only worsen things (even for myself) and its really shitty🗿🗿im glad u at least had siblings that took care of u and made sure u felt better in no time doe

As always seeing u say that me and my blog cheered u up and motivated u to go on truly is smth like...w o w i never expected any of this to have such a major impact on anyone when i first made this blog as half of a joke lmao hdhxxhdj but im glad it helped u and other ppl so that means i'll just have to keep on running it😳😳😳 you really dont have to thank us for anything since we enjoy brightening up ur day and i have to ageee it IS a miracle how all of this came to be but thats exactly why its goddamn wig snatching ahsydjdkf

Also bro to say u have another reason to stay alive just to meet me....😞😞 Take care of urself bro

[city-of-angel]

Dear Self,

Hi. Bonjour~~

How are you? It’s been hard lately yeah? Are you still thinking about negative thoughts? I bet you are.  (PS : Suddenly it’s raining outside after so much days dry and clean on the floor TT.TT)

There’s few notes that i want you to remembered. As usual, it might be easier to said, lighter to wrote but surely heavier to done. But let’s begin from the beginning. The highlihts about who you were before, what you’ve been thru and who you’ve become. 

Chapter 1.

Do you remember when you were a little girl . You were always be a happy girl. You love to being a center of the attention. You love to sing and dance. And everyone’s been so proud of you. Your brother loves you so much and he likes to hold your hand everytime you’re going out to school or somewhere else together. I know you’re questioning something in your head about how did it happened then? The distance and the boundaries. It might be something that you cannot understand at your young age. Maybe something happened that makes your relationship with him makes you more  distant and far. It’s nothing compared bout what happened to your parents. After time passed, there’s major change that happened about how they talk and how they treat you, and make you change the perspective about how you see a family . But let’s we talk this in another page since it will take a really long page if we break it down here,and  to remember it will be exhausting again to you. In short, you are a believer. You are always believe everything’s going to be okay. You believe in goodness and the magic of time. Everytime , someone or a condition knock you down, you always get up, put your dang pretty smile and prove them that nothing’s gonna change you, you will always be the person who have faith and sided with grace ,kindness, and forgiveness. Everytime, But not until what happenned at July 2019 rite? After all these years,  You kind of questioning about what you did ? Yes, the world has cheated on you. Because the world never be fair.You start to challenge to be as selfish as them, as rude as them. But since you are a natural person. You just can’t and you start over again . But again this time, you STILL believe it wourld work. You believe it wouldn’t failed. But then it would. Again. In the most harsh and worst way ever. 

Chapter 2.

Remembered that day when everything teared you up. You thought it was a for a while, for one case only, You never knew and never imagine about what coming after is really coming. You keep wondering why did i deserve this? What did i do wrong? Did i really do wrong? Is this really my fault? You keep blaming yourself over and over again till you believe that you are the one to blame. But back again , after one and two case ended. There’s come another hurricane that make you want to yell and scream “ Why again? Why me? “. The rage, the sadness , the unfairness comes right in hand wiithout early notice and it’s shaking your world like ..really shaking your worlds. Your perspective changed, the way you see things changed, Everything that you believe is not real anymore.  And your eyes opened, and you know rite since the very first place , you knew that you needed this to grew. Then you get up again, back into your feet, doing many activities, meeting new people, being a happy girl. You thought it was a over, The sorrow is over, the tears is done. But after all the shock case is shown, it left with you with such a deep blank whole . Make you questioning again about what should you do? Where’s your direction? Can i do this? I won’t do this? It’s a simple questions for an adult like you. But you lost your point of view, your principal, your grip, your anchor, mostly your truth about life,  everything that you believe is questioned you back, since you don’t believe anything real is really real, don’t believe kindness will won, you don’t believe anything at all. Not sometimes believing that you are really worth this world, Not believing anyhting at all. That was very tough but see you still wake up right in the morning, put your clothes and smile? That was very hard, but you know there’s many people to love to see your face and hear your laugh. Many people waiting for you to chat them back, to call them back, to meet you in the middle of the rain.  So how you can say that you are not worthy? You are so loved. So you know. You are so loved by many. 

Chapter 3.

You don’t need to stop crying nor stop feeling pain. You must go through so you can be free. Take a look back into the past 2 months. There’s so many things that you should be grateful for. Mostly people who’s been there for you and boost you up.  So say thanks to them:

- For F

   ‘ Thank you for being true. Thank you for being such a good company from the beginning, answering phone, chating back, being honest, thoughtful. F i never thought that you will be so open to me and telling me all the truth i need to hear and i already told you every dark side,dark memory that makes me realize that i am now in the right path. Thank you for being my ear and eyes. Thank you for listening and answering and mostly for your time. Really’

- For V

‘ You are a miracle. You’re such a good person and strong woman. I learned so much from you . And in the end, you are a miracle that solve one of my problems. When i look back , i never thought THAT will lead to THIS. You know? Who knows? That we solved each other problems. Thank you for always worrying about me. Thank you for being there all the time . And accept me in my worst‘

- For N

‘ You are my twins. You are always see me before i can see myself. Thank you for understanding the deepest, darkest, silliest, scariest of my thought. Thank you for holding my hands, reminding me of God, grace and patience. You are so pure and you make me want to keep my grace’

- For M

‘ My longtime friends and a person who always have a special place in my life. 10 years and finally we met again. Even we’re not sharing so many things but you saved me that day when you drove right away to my town. You are a natural person, seeing you and talking with you again is such a moment to remember to me. “

- For LIMA + New Friends at New Office

‘ You are gold guys, Your joke made my day. And your sillyness cheer me up, I am so sorry in the first place that i am not opened up to you. It’s hard for me to talk to a new person. But we meet like you destined to boost me up. You guys make me smile. All day . And that’s gold to me.So thank you so much.”

- For Happy Girls.

‘ Mi moms, mi sist. Thank you for teaching me how to be a great woman. You both are a true warrior. Looking back of what you both been going thru in the past maybe not compared with what’s happened to me. So for that, i am so grateful that you trust me as your little sister. You are both my wings on my each side. “

- For Communities

‘ Too many people so i can’t mention it one by one . But thank you for having me back, I miss the crowd, audiences, clap and you guys so welcoming me back. It make me realize that i am so loved and i can still doing many things, many pleasure and after what happened ,the world will not stop rite? Show must go on. ”

- For A

‘ You are a treasure. You tolerate me so well until i keep feeling guilty inside my head. Surely i can’t go pass thru this without your point of view, your thoughts, and your wisdom that make me realize about the truth that i want to reach. I will be forever grateful and forever thankful, and hoping someday i can share your wisdom to another people and i can become someone truly blessed like you. I believe we have met before? Didnt we? Many thanks. “

- For T

‘ Mon garcon!! Thank you for being such a random new friends. You always there when i want to meet. You never define me , You never try to read between the lines. You make me feel i deserve a good company without any persona at all. It might be seems nothing to you. But since we just met not so long ago. You spark my mood day by day. Each time and everytime and surely God bless you and Thanks really not for trying to define, judge , guessing or read me at all .“

- For Moms, Dad, Bro , Sis

‘ Thank you for understanding me about i’m going thru even i’m not sharing many details. I feel guilty and horrible because part of this plan is your dreams too for me. I am so truly sorry.And  I love you so much’

POST CREDIT.

Dear Self, Remember you want to be known as the original you. You dont want people to see u like “ Oh look at that girl, I understand that she become like ‘that/in worst way” because she’s having a bad past bla bla” . 

But you want to be remembered as “ See her, look how bad what’s she going thru and still she keep her grace”

What a beautiful word. Grace. It’s not only define nice , good or beauty. But it’s a Grace.

Today is the big day for you. BUT not really that big since you’re not really took interest of it for the past 2-3 yearsXD

But Happy Belated Birthday to You :) You deserved all the love in the world and see what’s people has done for you. That you should be grateful. You are so loved. Remember that. You are so loved.