#[ mf ] ── * 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄. { retribution. }

[meatriarchived]

❛ I’m scared. That’s all I am. ❜ | @fcused

back rested firm against wall. there was almost a lightheadedness buzzing about her mind, and the stability of structure behind her helped ground her. twenty years. nearly, two full decades since she'd last seen the faces all gathered in the same room at last. since she's seen nor spoken to a single one of them, save for ana, once in a blue moon ( to keep her from worrying and gathering them all up like she had so long ago. )

maria's eyes crossed the room slowly, taking in each and every one of them.

of leland, after he had been the one to find and reach out to her - when he had shown up in front of her secluded home, in the middle of a rain shower at the start of the week. like a lost dog, soaked down to bone, large round eyes gazing sadly back at her - at the state she was in, miserable ( they both had realized how alike they were, how broken they became. )

of her sister, who had grown so much since they last saw one another. firm in her beliefs, firm in her dislike of the reason they all finally crossed state lines to meet once again. older, wiser, somehow far better off than maria could ever imagine. she had done so well for herself ( she did well without you, whispers harsh spat in the back of her mind. ) and maria's eyes lingering on her and sonny for a moment as they quietly spoke amongst themselves.

of sonny, eyes still friendly and features still kind, just as he'd been all that time ago. he stood taller, shoulders firm and confidence swelling him up. he worked hard for his degrees, graduating top of his class, went off to be successful. he truly deserved it, for all that hard work, the sleepless nights he'd spent. she was proud of him, for continuing where some of them simply could not.

eyes passing to julie and danny, standing side by side. danny brows were furrowed, and his voice lowered as he and leland spoke - quiet but harsh, of disbelief and anger flickering his features. he was most vocal about this entire thing. he still is. ( he's angry that this is even a thought, that any of us even consider going back to that house, back to where everything soured and spoiled in their lives - how their friendships with each other suffered for it, how they all went separate ways after she had quietly left in the night. ) the two of them, feet planted firm, voices hushed yet tumbling fast over one another as they argued amongst themselves, with julie - sweet as she was - trying to ease them both, settle them down.

and then, maria's eyes turn to connie - and pairs of hazel and green meet and lock together.

she'd been rather quiet, save for voicing her own dislike of the idea. hesitant to agree at all, but crumbling when she'd realized the rest of them were willing to join if they all were. she hates the idea - and maria does not blame her in the slightest.

when leland had laid out all the cards, of going back, maria was as dumbstruck as danny was. ( the thought itself was never foreign to her - she'd considered doing the same for years, now. )

the words had been stripped from her mouth because it was leland saying it.

she hadn't expected it to fall past his lips.

if anything, she could believe it were to from from danny. but not leland.

maria glances to the others, busy amongst themselves, not paying mind to the pair of them quietly off to themselves, and turns back to connie, motioning with her head for them to go someplace quieter, before moving away from the wall, and slipping out of view with her.

out to the back porch of the flores' home, into the cool night air. ( it felt less suffocating than inside, where tensions were still high. )

maria waited, quietly watching connie follow her out, closing door shut behind them both. lips part to speak, yet nothing spills out at first. and maria bites down on inside of cheek, finding herself unsure of what to say, and for a few moments they stand out there in silence.

maybe it was just the quiet peace they needed, after everything being said and decided on inside.

she breathes in deep - once, twice, a few more times than she cares to admit - before exhaling in a puff, and she turns to her, and asks if she's okay, truly, with what they plan to do - to go back to that damned house.

and green eyes meet hers once again, and response is simple, quiet, and heavy in the air.

" i'm scared. that's all i am. "

maria watches her for a moment, allowing her words to sink in. where leland and herself harbored their...anger over the years, their hate at what had been done to all of them - it was only fair how the others likely still felt fear at the thought of reliving everything they had gone through ( it was so long ago - and yet it still haunted each of them ).

head nods, faintly, after the silence, and she draws in breath between teeth and lets it out slow again. bitter smile playing at the corners of her lips as voice drops to a whisper,

" i'm scared too. admittedly, i'm terrified. "

all her memories of those weeks spent there - the few with johnny, the others with nancy, and then the last days strung up and locked away in the sprawling tunnels, exhausted, hallucinations still plaguing her vision - they still came to her, in dreams, in the corners of her room. in the rise of heartrate, the coiling of gut.

every morning and every evening when she lifts shirt off, and she sees that scrawled J still so pronounced, still so ugly, carved permanently into her skin...

the thought of seeing frenzied eyes and toothy grin - widened and wild - once again sent cold chills down her spine and bile to her throat.

the thought of seeing the older woman - of seeing nancy once again, however...

maria squeezes eyes shut, pushing back thoughts that make her stomach churn worse; feeling herself tensed at the itch in her fingertips - that if she could only get close enough to the HAG to close hands around throat-

another squeeze of eyelids, another shove of thoughts to back of mind, and maria's eyes open slowly, and look back at connie, sadness and understanding in them.

she doesn't want any of this. and i don't want it for her. she doesn't deserve this.

" you don't...you know you don't have to come, connie. "

faint smile crosses face, brows pinched together, as she continues, " you don't need to, if you truly don't want to. it may be the smartest thing to do, honestly. regardless of what may happen. " her shoulders lift in a shrug, " who knows? maybe by the time we get there, we'll have realized every single one of those fuckers are long dead already. maybe that's for the best, that they are. or that they aren't even there anymore, and its' just an empty shell of a house now. "

smile falters a bit. she knows that each of them would never allow any of them to go back - not alone, not without the rest of them.

" i'm angry. i'm- i'm so fucking angry, and, i'm hateful of these people, what they did to us, what they did to me... " she can feel the sting of tears in her eyes, and she swallows hard, " but that- that's not any of yours or the others' responsibility or obligation, to come along, when you don't want to - when its probably better that you don't. "

and maria realizes, how cruel it all is. in connie's position, in any of the others', to feel like they must, for their friends, return back to that hell they had barely managed to escape twenty years ago. and cruel as well, to tell her she can simply wait behind - for what? news of their disappearances, like what had happened with them when she had been taken?

how fucking cruel.

jaw clenches tightly, tooth grinding against tooth, as she stomachs the guilt bubbling in her.

HOW FUCKING DARE YOU PUT THEM ALL THROUGH THIS AGAIN?

she whispers apologies into the night air.

to connie. to her sister, to sonny, to danny and julie. to leland.

she regrets coming back. she regrets not having made the choice on her own to return to the house - to see for herself if it laid full or abandoned yet.

she regrets not taking scarred and diseased rabbit out back and putting it down before any of this came to fruition.

" i'm sorry connie. for- for everything. for all of this. "