#[ but honestly bless; the light is a little brighter at the end of the tunnel. ]
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Part of me genuinely wants to go back to the non-icon border icons, but part of me is also used to the little bit of aesthetic it adds by now. But also, forever unhappy with them, you know? Forever to and fro.
Any way, to business: while this isn't happening right this day, my activity will fluctuate towards the end of the month. In brief, I'm temporarily moving in with some relatives who have a fair bit of space to spare, as to take more time to prepare and find the place that I'd like to settle into in a much more definite manner. I've had to rush the last two times I moved (which involved a move abroad), so now I'd like to be smart, and take more time than I was given, and I was offered the perfect 'in between' to do that at my own pace. I anticipate being able to hook up my PC just fine once there, so once settled, I see myself as being around often enough for you guys to not see much of a difference. I'll likely reblog this when the time has come, but until then, know that any silence is likely due to stress and/or move prep!
#[ ooc. ] don't try to make it logical or edit your soul according to the fashion. rather; follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.#[ god. i'd also like to sit at a proper desk unlike this one-- this is a high one and the chair isn't good. so after over a year... ]#[ i realize that's why my shoulders also feel actively more strained. i can't wait for a proper desk. even in this temp place. ]#[ it should be better. ]#[ but honestly bless; the light is a little brighter at the end of the tunnel. ]#[ but also i love that i'm here like 'i may be a bit quieter' and yet i'm cooking on hcs. ]
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So I went into my drafts and found a post on my depression that I wrote years ago and wasn’t able to post. Finally feel like I can post it now. ❤️
“I think that I’ve been living with depression for a couple years now, the weird thing is that I don’t know exactly when it started and I know that it’s been a difficult thing to realize and come to terms with. Every time I tried to write a post on my blog about it I would always end up deleting it. Saying the words usually ends up with me crying. I think it has something to do with me not wanted to admit it to myself, even though it’s something that is happening and is real and is something I need to accept.
My 11 year cousin messaged me last night asking me “What is mental illness?” She had read my facebook status letting people know that I live with depression. I was so taken aback because I don’t consider myself an expert on mental health/mental illness. Depression is so so hard to explain. People will ask me why I feel sad and I can’t explain why. I know that I am blessed and I am grateful. Believe me, I try to focus on that and tell myself that there are people in the world that are suffering much more than I am and I don’t have the right to lay in bed and be sad. That’s the most frustrating part of it to me, that I feel something or sometimes nothing and I don’t really have a reason to feel that way. I just do.
It’s hard to get out of bed. It’s hard to make myself breakfast. It’s hard to take a shower. It’s hard to get on the skytrain and go to work. It’s extremely hard to do chores. It’s hard to hang out with people. It’s hard doing things that I typically love doing. When I say these things it’s not that I don’t love my life and love the people in it. I can laugh and enjoy things but it takes more work than it used to. I feel like I wake up in the morning after 8 hours of sleep and I’m still exhausted. That I’ve only got half my HP. And I know that I waking up early, going to the gym, cleaning my home will most likely make me feel better. It just feels so incredibly hard to do it.
I could honestly keep going and keep telling you how I feel but I think that’s enough doom and gloom for one post. I would like to share now what I do to make myself feel better. I’m not saying that I have a cure for depression or even that these things will work for you. These are just things that are in my life that make my days brighter.
my extremely supportive best friend/fiance who is always there for me even when I’m being an irrational
taking a bubble bath
exercising
living in a clean space
reading a good book
singing
being kind to others
washing my face, doing my hair, putting make up on, putting on clothing I feel good in
eating delicious food
eating healthy food
hang out with my friends
reminding myself that I’m trying my best
realizing that everyday is a new day and a new start
good smells (perfume, essential oils, candles)
yoga
hugs
Some of the things that make me feel better I find incredibly hard to do and it’s extremely frustrating. It’s about taking little steps and being patient and kind to yourself. Try not to compare yourself to others (I know it’s hard). Know that you’re not alone, even though I know that sometimes it feels that way. I feel like I’m still in the dark part of the tunnel and I’m trying to find my way out and at some point I will see the light.”
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He found a Siren dying on the beach, She gave him her voice.
The woman I’d found on the beach had been gorgeous, but had also been bleeding heavily, it looked like a shark had attacked her, but the bite marks were massive. Whatever had attacked her had bitten her entire right arm off as well as torn her side open to expose her internal organs. They made a grotesque red splash against the pale sand, dark reds and vivid purples of flesh that wasn’t meant to see the light of day displayed on the surface of the earth.
I’d been terrified, the body of a woman splayed on the beach wasn’t something you expected to see when you were walking along the shoreline. Ignoring everything I’d learned about dead bodies and what to do when you found one, I approached with my cell phone in hand. When I had gotten close enough to see her face, I began to dial for the police, not intending to get any closer.
It wasn’t until she shifted her head and fluttered her eyes, that I rushed to attempt to help her, dropping my phone in the process.
She was pale, which was expected, as her blood was all over the beach. Her hair was as pale as the sand and strands of seaweed seemed to be tangled within the braids that peeked from her scalp. I wasn’t sure if I would hurt her if I moved her, so I’d clutched my hands together and bent over to try and see if she was still conscious.
“Miss?! Please speak to me if you can!” I all but pleaded, voice cracking in fear.
I’d never seen anyone die before. I mean sure, I’d seen plenty of violent movies, but I’d never seen a real person die right in front of me before! I really didn’t want this to be my first experience.
I reached out to touch her and her eyes snapped open wide.
She saw right through me. Her eyes were completely black, not a speck of color in them at all. I froze, not out of fear, some internal force kept me still. We stared into one another’s eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Time had slowed, the tide no longer rushing up the sand to engulf the woman’s legs, the breeze only a distant memory.
A voice echoed in my mind, “Don’t leave me…Please..” It was faint, like hearing someone at the other end of a long tunnel. The voice had left me bereft of happiness, all joy washed away with her plea. I couldn’t say no.
“I’ll be here for you, I’m not leaving.” I choked out a sob as tears streamed down my face to fall on hers, little gems of saline that wound around the pale curves of her face. Her own eyes began to fill with tears as well and we both stared together.
“Why do you cry?” She finally asked in my mind.
I honestly didn’t know. I didn’t know her, her name, or where she came from. I’d only just spotted her lying on this beach. I finally searched my mind for an acceptable answer, and settled on one that I felt was right.
“Because I don’t like that you’re hurting, you should be whole and untouched.” I whispered.
Her eyes widened.
“I may only be a man, but I don’t like seeing people hurt, and I’ve never seen anyone die before.” I continued, feeling like I was racing against the clock, the clock that was her strength, her lifeblood draining from her body. “I know this much about people; No one should ever die alone and unwanted.”
Her eyes shined with more tears, and I could feel a welling in my chest, like the soft warmth of the sun on a bright and windy day. This warmth wasn’t my own, that much I could tell, but I smiled for her, just a little.
“You asked me to stay, So here I am.”
“Then you….have more compassion…than most…” She started, her breathing becoming more labored, and her eyes fluttering closed.
“Please….take this gift…..and use…..it…..wisely…….” Her body was going limp, and from what I could see, her feet were dissolving into foam, like foam from the sea.
“What do you mean? A gift? What are you?” I was scared, I’d stumbled onto a creature! Not a woman! This creature wanted to give me something as a parting gift, but in all the tales I’d ever read, most gifts given to humans were more curse than blessing.
“Goodbye……Friend.” In a shimmer brighter than the glare from water, she dissolved completely into foam and the seawater seemed to reach out to wash her and all that she was away.
I was perplexed and scared. One moment a dying woman, or woman-shaped creature, was on the beach, the next, there was nothing to tell you that anyone had been lying on the sand. I dug in the sand a little bit, looking for one shred of proof that she’d existed. In the sand I found a necklace, shiny with pearls of every color imaginable, with a pendent made of Abalone. The colors were mesmerizing.
Then a pain in my skull began.
IT struck from the base of my skull and rapidly spread to the rest of my cranium, pulsing in time with my heartbeat.
Colors swirled in my mind, confusing me and setting my skull ablaze in a feeling like fire. Vibrations bounced around in my skull, beats, melodies, a cacophony of sound in chaos that I couldn’t decipher. The blazing in my head spiked again and I screamed, it wasn’t a manly screech though, it was high pitched, and blasted sand and surf away from my body, the melodies and beats strengthening and picking up tempo in my mind.
They seemed to be swirling around, searching for something, but I couldn’t even begin to think at all, I just wanted the noise to stop!
#Siren#writing prompt#writing practice#Koomie#KoomieSan#KoomietheFool#KoomieinaBox#creative writing#practice#short story#story#writing#prompt
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Faith
Summary: Putting yourself in somebody else’s shoes. God took it literally. Type: Angst/ Slight Fluff Pairing: Jungkook X You Words: 1591 Words
Hi hi. I’m back from the dead. Serious apologies because I’m honestly really swarmed with life. I have school, two jobs and two upcoming exhibitions to prepare for so I’m honestly really all over the place. I try to write as much as I can (lol it’s like 5 in the morning here) since it is my obligation as an admin here. HAHAHAHA. Not as satisfactory but I’m saving the bulk of the feels in the latter chapters so here’s a teaser. Link to the prequel is down below. Enjoy!!
- Admin Fits
01
When you cracked your eyes open, everything seemed to turn an entire one eighty. The air was too crisp, one that possibly scratched the walls of your trachea. It hurt for you to even breathe, a concept that was all too familiar. White walls, stiff bed. Everything was distasteful but familiar, and maybe you should find gratefulness in that even if you had to scour at every cranny of your universe.
You pushed yourself up, your arm shaking as you did. Frowning, you were reminded of the circumstances that you were in. How you wished you were back in your dream where the sky was limitless and you could jump as high as you wanted to and still revel on its vast grandeur despite not being able to touch it. A dream where you could run as fast as you can, as far as you can, without crippling under your very own weight with just a few steps.
Or a dream where it was pitch black. Both were favourable, you supposed.
Quickly, you noticed your regular nurse standing at the door, peeking in but never really going any closer. The both of you made eye contact and she clearly flinched as if your very presence was threatening. Which was laughable because she would have ample time before you could land a strike that was equivalent to that of a baby’s.
“Something wrong?” She flinched again before shaking her head, taking tentative steps at your direction. You watched as she prepared the items before changing your IV tube.
“Do you feel okay?” That was a question that required no answer from your part because clearly, being strapped on a hospital bed was far than okay. But of course, you knew you feeling okay was slightly different than most.
“Peachy.”
You noticed the slight tremor of her lips and you wondered what went wrong. You felt burdened because you actually liked the nurse that was assigned to you.
“If there was something wrong, you can just tell me you know. Me dying shouldn’t excuse my bad attitude.”
Her reply was instantaneous. She paused whatever she was doing, sharply turning her head to your direction, her countenance full of determination and courage that you wished you could’ve adopted.
“No! Of course not! You’re not going to die! You’re doing splendidly on your rehabilitation! Everything will turn out okay and they’ll find a cure soon so you’ll be able to do everything that you’ve been wanting to do.”
Frankly speaking, the both of us knew that her words were just wishful thinking if anything. The research’s progress was painstakingly slow and by the time that they finally obtain the answer, you would be reduced to dust. Dust that would cease to exist and somehow knowing your end was morbidly comforting.
There would be a time where you would stop suffering.
But you didn’t say that. You searched for the comfort in the nurse’s honest eyes and you smiled. “Can’t wait.”
…
Being in solitude for most parts of the day had its perks. For one, it meant that there wasn’t anymore pricking and prodding from people that could only sympathise and try their best to empathise but deep down you knew, they were just relieved that they didn’t have to bound by a fate like yours. Humans were hypocritical at best.
This led you to dwell into the prospect of living the world that was vastly different than the one you had now. A life where you could puff your chest out without falling back to the chair as if you doing such a simple act took too much from you. A life where you wouldn’t bite your words, feeling them stuck deep in your stomach and no matter how much you curse at yourself, the words would come out like a broken recorder. A life where you wouldn’t stop talking altogether. A life where you could run, feel the wind under your arms trying to lift you up to the very sky. The rush of air, the hard beating of your heart against your chest as a reminder that you were alive. Alive and living.
A life like Jungkook’s.
Despite it being a dream, it gave you so much respite that it made you breathe easy. A dream that brought so much hue as compared to the very monochromatic room that reeked of sanitizers. A dream that you made you remember the life you once had.
Once had, that being the keyword.
It had been a few months since you had this damned illness and whilst there were still some things you could do, the prospect of knowing your end was a little overwhelming. Whenever you did a menial thing such as writing, you knew that one day your fingers shake too much for your writing to even be legible. Such small things, there was always this ticking clock at the very back of your mind and honest to god, you tried to be positive. You tried to look for the brighter side of things.
But when you couldn’t reach the lavatory in time, you mentally broke down as you suffered the humiliation of the excretion just flowed down your leg.
That bright light you should see at the end of the tunnel? You stopped searching.
You reached out for your wheelchair that they left at your side, your arms shaking as you do so. But like all things, the smallest things proved to be a bit too herculean for you. Your upper body was too far out from the bed that you didn’t even register that you were actually falling head first. The IV tube that connected to your arm pulled the stand along with you and it clanged onto the railing of your bed to only punch you in the stomach. You cried out in pain, not only from your stomach and head injury but also from your bruised pride.
You ignored the pain and crawled towards your wheelchair, dragging your useless legs across the clean tiles and you hissed at the burn. You placed your elbows at the edge of the seat when you heard the door of your room opened and the nurse from before rushing towards your direction. Ignoring her calling your name, you gritted your teeth as you tried pushing your weight up. There was pure determination that fired up from your insides, masking the anger and resentment that were directed to nobody but yourself.
“Here let me help you, dear.” She tried to take your elbow but you slapped her arm away. But god bless her heart because she immediately reached out to you despite the rejection. But her touch whilst kind was just aggravating. It was the kind of kindness that shed too much light on your incompetence.
“Let me just help you.”
More kindness. More hatred. More self-loathing.
“I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP.”
Two erratic heartbeats.
Your loud breathing.
The ticking of the clock.
Her frozen hands.
And you just broke. Again.
No matter how much you tried to fix yourself, you kept falling down and down. It was akin to you being in a well with no ladder up. You had no way of escaping as you watch slowly as the opening gets blocked, the light diminishing slowly like an eclipse. It was terrifyingly permanent and just not as beautiful.
Your elbows shook and you let go of that fictitious bravado that you previously held onto. You let yourself fall onto the ground, your pride and your resolve come gushing out of your body in the form of salty tears, staining your cheeks with pain and sorrow.
You didn’t apologise. You didn’t apologise for the hurt you might’ve caused because the very first person you have yet to say sorry towards for your terrible words, was yourself. So you didn’t apologise.
The heart of a person never truly changed and you saw it when the nurse pulled you in her arms, consoling you with her comforting hand that stroked your trembling body that was wrecked with sobs. The words that left her lips were like that of a mother’s, cooling your troubled heart with ease.
“It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s okay.”
You buried your face in your hands, shaking your head as you did so. “Once I can’t walk anymore, once I can’t speak anymore. Once I am nothing but a shell, can you even call me a human?”
She rocked you in her arms, trying her best to take the pain off your chest. But you merely passed it to her, now that one of your shoulders was wet. But she stopped reassuring everything was okay.
…
The nurse had helped you on the wheelchair and took you around the hospital block so as to get fresh air. A celebration, she supposed, because it was going to be your final visit of the month and you would get to go back to school. You were supposed to be ecstatic but there were only so many times you would let yourself be happy of your release when you were going back to the hospital again.
But she insisted that you get a fresh air and that was what you did. It calmed you a little bit.
She then brought you in your room and plugged in the IV tube in your forearm. The drugs did their job and you were soon drifting to a place of non-reality, a delusion that you would willingly drown yourself in.
There, in your subconscious, you were back.
You were finally Jungkook.
#jungkook scenarios#jeongguk scenario#jungkook scenario#bts scenario#bangtan scenario#angst#fluff#body swap#admin fits
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