#[ between the potency and the existence ] | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pinkrelish · 2 years ago

Text

𝐭𝐡𝐞 "𝐲𝐞𝐬" 𝐩𝐨𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐲.

singledad!mechanic!eddie x fem!reader

✶What was meant to be a quiet evening of DND gets out of hand before it even begins, and when the guys leave a bottle of whiskey behind, all those passes you and Eddie made at each other grow to a new level.✶

NSFW — slow burn, fluff, drunken yearning, drunken flirting, dirty jokes, sexual tension, failed phone sex, light angst, drug/alcohol mention/use, 18+ overall for eventual smut

obi-wan voice: this isn't the first kiss chapter you're looking for (it's in the next one)

chapter: 9/20 [wc: 23.8k]

↳ part 01 / 02 / 03 / 04 / 05 / 06 / 07 / 08 / 09 / 10 / 11 / 12

AO3

Chapter 9: Dungeons & Dragons & Unicorns, oh my!

Occupying the narrow space available in Mr. Moore’s cramped office, Carl exchanged a look with Kevin over the edge of his coffee mug as he tipped it back, and coasted the bitter liquid across his tongue, swallowing with trouble. He winced at the potency. Kevin gave him an apologetic grimace.

“You made this too strong,” Carl whispered.

Kevin took a sip as well, and clicked his tongue on the roof of his mouth, admonishing his mistake of putting too many grounds in the machine. “She just makes it better.”

David hunched forward in his plush leather chair. Around him, filing cabinets were open, sticky notes reminders hung crooked on the drawers, and his desk was stacked with customer’s invoices.

Three days you’d been gone and the world had devolved into chaos.

“Yeah, gotcha,” David said into the phone crooked between his shoulder and ear, jotting down an unrelated note on the corner of an envelope. “You feel better soon, ya hear?” He threw an excessive eye roll onto the end of his sentence when the voice on the other end kept rattling off. “I told ya to stop worryin’ about it. Now, get some rest. Yeah. Bye.”

He hung up, and addressed his audience waiting on bated breath, “Ed’s callin’ in sick again.”

“Third day in a row,” Carl commented.

Kevin gestured at the state of the office with his mug. “Third day for her too.” David muttered an acknowledgement, missing his Office Administrator who had taken up the responsibility of organizing all the documents into their rightful place.

“Three days, huh? And both with the flu?” Kevin restated in a leading tone.

“Both with the flu,” David confirmed.

“Not suspicious at all,” Carl added.

In unison, the three men put their mugs to their lips, sipped the coffee, winced, and made noises of disgust.

But after all that, Kevin beamed at his friends. “Good for them,” he said. “Ed deserves someone like her.”

In unison, they agreed, and sipped, and made a pact to dump out their mugs in the sink.

————

You arrived to work with an unglamorous wad of tissue balled in your fist, and a raw nose. Lingering sniffles ailed you, as did the body lethargy, but you were no longer contagious. It sucked to exist in this head-cold sphere, but it was nice to leave the house after days spent in-and-out of a Nyquil daze.

And yes, you were eager to see Eddie again, despite the twist of dread in your stomach.

It’d been days since you left his place on a good note, but would the remnants of his tears be this weird unstated suspense in between breaths of conversation? Would there be an underlying presence of you know all the intimate details of my life in the otherwise cheerful morning greeting? Would things go back to normal as if nothing happened?

Regardless, the morning greeting would have to wait. There were a million things to do around the auto shop since you’d been absent; first of which was going into Mr. Moore’s office, and fighting the disarray to find his updated schedule detailing his upcoming meetings, lunches, and days he’d be out of town. You grabbed a marker and went to work on the calendar in the garage, transcribing the schedule for the guys to see so they could stop asking you if Mr. Moore was in his office or not (especially when his door was right there and they could check for themselves).

Crossing out the first week of January, you began to write down one of the meetings when the back door was thrown open, and an ominous death knell tolled in a jangle of chains and heavy boots, making a veritable effort to stomp as loudly as possible on their way to you.

The eagerness disappeared. Only tumultuous dread now.

Your delicate smile was replaced by a canvas of annoyance. “Why are you so loud?” you winced. And winced again when you heard your stuffed-up voice.

You didn’t have to look away from the note you were jotting down to see his impish grin. He practically forced you to see it when he folded his arms, and imposed his shoulder on the wall, making the calendar page slip under your marker in a long red streak.

He ducked his head to catch your eye. “What’s wrong, sweetheart? I’m walking as I always do; not a hop, skip, or bounce extra.” Eddie’s tight lips parted in your periphery, showing a gleam of teeth. Raising his voice a tick, he drove the dread deeper, “My girl isn’t flinching at every sound because she has a headache, right?”

Having no sense of self restraint, nor manners, Eddie invaded more of your personal space. His chest swelled with a held breath while his tongue prepared a taunt and his eyes squinched half-closed. “It couldn’t be because you’re sick, right? Not Miss Queen of the City who’s been coughed on by every germ out there, making her tougher than the common cold, hmm? Couldn’t be because of that?”

Capping the marker, you let your side-eye graduate to a full fledged incredulous stare at his much-too-giddy expression. “It’s allergies,” you said, crumpling the tissue into your pocket.

“Allergies, huh? Which ones?”

“The ones I’m allergic to.”

“Interesting, interesting,” he humored you, “very interesting since, y’know, the most common allergies people have around here are to grass and weed pollen, and those suckers are dead and buried under a layer of snow. Won’t be growing for quite some months, so..”

You glared at his need to follow up that observation with his lips pursed into a mocking kiss of arrogance, provoking you to fold while simultaneously flaunting the sharp cut of his cheekbones.

“Fine,” you admitted in a low tone. “I got sick.” Noting the heavy bags under his red-rimmed eyes, you quirked an eyebrow, and asked, “Have you been working overtime without me?”

He brightened. “Oh, no. Adrie got me sick too. This is my first day back.”

“Have I ever told you how so,” you paused for emphasis, and prodded the pen cap into his sternum, “so very irritating you are?” He cupped his hand over your wrist, and cradled your fist to his chest. Drawing you in, in, in. Cold seeping through your sleeve from his red fingers, never kicking his habit of smoking before coming inside, regardless of the weather. “Just the worst,” you admonished, finding it difficult to resist the magnetism of his laughter quaking under your palm, urging yourself to favor the adorable scrunch above his nose, and guide your thoughts away from his unzipped leather jacket.

But the draw was too strong. You swayed closer until your forearm was pressed to the dragon tattoo hidden beneath his coveralls, and your tennis shoe grazed past the tip of his metal-toed boot

He recalled, “That’s weird. I remember you saying I was your favorite.”

“I said you were my favorite date. As far as people go, you’re in my top three. Robin, Adrie, you,” you listed on the fingers trapped against his inhale.

He lifted his chin, regarding you down the slope of his magnificent nose. “You rank Adrie above me?”

“Well, think about it this way; you rank above all the other people I’ve met. And I’ve met a lot of people, you know.”

“That isn’t instilling a lot of confidence, babe.”

Sweetheart. Babe. My girl. His hand on your hand. His cold fingers cupping your palm, searing you despite their lack of heat; so different from how you came to know them, as hesitant pauses on his tools when you greeted him and he frowned as if to ask why you were speaking to him.

Was this it? Was this the new normal?

You hoped so.

Cheeks warmed by the multitude of pet names, you put an edge of dissatisfaction on your question to cover how his affections affected you, “Is that my job? To make you feel good about yourself?” Hotter, hotter. His intensity was burning you.

You wiggled the marker in your grasp until you could tap it at the second unfastened button on his coveralls. “I think you just keep me around so you have someone to call you handsome.”

“No way,” he said. He tilted his head to the side, resting it on the wall. His tangly mess of hair followed the movement, laying against his throat. “But.. Just for clarification, I am handsome, right?”

“Of course you’re handsome.”

“Aw, you flatter me, gorgeous,” he said in mock bashfulness, turning his face away while you stared at him in utter exasperation. “Love to hear it from my favorite.”

Gorgeous. Love. Favorite.

You didn’t question his favorite what. Person, place, or thing? Who knows. Words escaped you when the honey in his eyes twinkled with something tender, and his dopey smile softened at the edges, and his heart pounded a story against your touch, and his grin faded more, and his lips regained their pretty pink plumpness, and his voice reached deeper–to the place where your hand felt the creation of vibrations–and his tongue put a new spin on a sentiment as old as time.

“I missed you,” he said, features going lax as he dropped the overly flirtatious act. He let go of your fist to reach out and pinch your upper arm without an ounce of strength in his sweet teasing.

It took you an extra beat to withdraw your hand from his person.

You scoffed, “Uh-huh. I can tell by how you’re trying to butter me up, and annoy me to death at the same time.”

“Don’t tell me I’ve become the sunshine in our relationship now,” he snorted. And before he gave your stomach time to flutter at the word choice: relationship, he was stabbing his finger at the rumpled calendar.

He looked where he pointed, and dropped it down another Saturday. “I meant to ask you this before you left the other day, but we’re at a good spot in our DND campaign for a new person to join if you wanted to come. Sessions are a bitch to schedule now that we’re all adults and have lives, jobs, and responsibilities, and whatever, and I haven’t, uh, hosted one at my place in a while” –years– “so it’s kinda an extra special event, and would be cool if you wanted to come by.”

You wrung your mouth at the invitation.

“C’mon, I promise it’ll be fun.”

“I know it’s easy to assume I’m a giant loser like you, but even being a theater kid, I’ve never played DND,” you told him. “I don’t wanna ruin your game, or impose on your friends enjoying their night. Or, like, clash if we don’t get along, or somethin’.”

He cast his gaze wildly around the room. Extra dramatic. “You won’t ruin our game, and my friends will love you–they’re the rest of my band, and some kids who were in my club in high school. You’ll fit right in. And besides.. I want you to meet them.”

Delightful goosebumps tingled at your scalp. Meeting his friends was quite the step in your relationship. And no, mutual friends via Bobbie did not count.

You filled your lungs, and expelled your sigh at the calendar, reading over your penmanship while you thought it over.

“And maybe I didn’t phrase my question correctly. Let me try again.” He cleared his throat. “Will you play DND with us?”

Will you?

A ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question.

“Ah, taking that route,” you said. And just to mess with him, you tapped the marker on the tip of his nose. “Sure–yes–I’ll join you in your roleplaying game, but if they don’t like me, I told you so.”

“Why wouldn’t they like you?”

“I dunno, it took you weeks to speak to me.”

“Yeah, but I’m me.” Eddie shoved himself off the wall and began walking behind you, brushing his hand across your lower back, and bending to your ear to whisper a coy gloat, “And I play hard to get.”

All smiles, smiles, smiles. He took two bouncy steps backwards, opened the glass door in a wide swing and spun on his way inside, whipping his hair in a blur of brunette.

Bewildered by his dorky charm, you watched him through the windows, sighing out the air in your lungs to make room for the blossoming throbs of adoration when he caught his hip on the corner of your desk and tried walking off the pain in case you were watching, only for him to keel over right before he reached the hallway.

You shook your head and resumed where you were in Mr. Moore’s schedule. “You are absolutely not hard to get.”

Looking up, you found the day you were supposed to mark with an important phone meeting, and instead..

January 16th

DND

You drew stars around it, experiencing the childhood rush of endorphins that came from doodling hearts around your crush’s name in your yearbook, and giggling with your friends over it, betting you could get their number so you could call them over the summer, acutely aware none of you would ever dare.

————

Stress squeezed Eddie’s throat. Each cry, each sob, each sniffle set him on edge. His headache pounded, his chest clutched onto the calming breaths he was supposed to prioritize, his heart raced sweat to his skin. Everything was falling apart around him.

“Yeah–Yeah, no, it’s okay. Yeah.” He hung up the phone, chord swaying against the grimy wall, and he pressed his fists above his eyes, turning in a slow circle.

Whistling, screeching, wailing. The boiling kettle on the stovetop pierced the sound of Adrie’s hiccupy bawling. Growing louder, and louder. Rising above the blood pulsing in his ears, the twitch in his strained muscles. The anger under the surface, bubbling. A vice on his chest. Clenching his jaw. Gripping harder. Growing bigger, and bigger, and bigger, his emotions grew bigger until the frustration slipped.

Eddie snapped the stove knob to the off position, and jiggled the broken shitty plastic back on the dial. He moved the kettle to the back burner–sucking his bottom lip in and biting down hard, seeking the relief of pain to keep himself from slamming the kettle into the next dimension. And after swallowing the thickened saliva in his mouth, he walked away from what would’ve been his late, late oatmeal breakfast.

The trailer rattled less and less.

His heavy footsteps exhausted to his socks sliding across the vinyl.

“Adrie,” he begged her name again, and again as he knelt to her chair at the green table. He passed his hand over her hair, petting it away from the sticky streaks of tears on her red cheeks, and he cradled her head to his neck. The flash of anger was gone. It should’ve never seen the light of day, but he was human. He was a single person, and he tamed it the best he could. He was fragile, about to break at the next sob in his ear, but he tried. “Daddy’s gonna fix it, okay? I’ll make it better. I’ll make it better. Let Daddy make it better.”

He was stuck in the loop again. Where everything was so much, and he was so weak. Gathering her as if she were still small and could fit into the crook of his arm. “Let Daddy fix it,” he begged again, rocking her as he did all those years ago; for her, and for him, not having the capacity to do more than cry along with her.

Peeling himself away from her neediness, he worked his hoodie from her fists, and dialed his last resort.

It rang.

And rang.

Hopelessness burdened the expanse of shoulders, dropping them at the fourth trill. “C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, pick up.” The only thing helping calm him was his hand pressed over his eyes. One less stimulus.

Another ring. He was about to give up when–

“Hello?”

“Hey, man! Uh, uhm, what’re you up to?”

The casualness was lost when Steve’s pause elongated to a nasally noise of understanding when Adrie’s whine cut through the static, and Eddie’s cheek smashed to the receiver as he moved into the hallway, curling his frame to the phone like it were a lifeline.

Steve’s tone feathered to the same one he used five years ago when Eddie called frequently, “Is everything okay over there? Nancy and I were packing up the car to head out of town with the kids, but I have a minute. What’s up?”

“Yeah, yeah, everything’s okay, uh–hey, you have Robin’s number, right? For her parent’s place?”

His mood lightened, “Yeah, I think Nance does in her pocketbook. Nance!” He called out for her. Then, he spoke into the receiver, as gently as possible, with grace for him to deny if he wanted, “You’re not trying to call Robin, are you?”

“No.. No, I’m not.”

There was a stint of silence where neither of them broke the wordless understanding woven into their connection; phone, chord, wires, friendship.

At last, Nancy’s footsteps came in clicks on their hardwood flooring, and Steve expressed a soft, “I’m happy for you, man.”

Eddie didn’t correct him that it was about his game night. He simply let his friend’s praise fill the void. It’d been a long time since someone was proud of him.

————

The modest house near the empty plot of land was unassuming. Not much money was invested into the foundation, nor the many repairs, but oddly, it was the furniture and fine dinnerware passed through generations that would have anyone second guessing why a home with a cracked window from two summers ago had a china cabinet. And really, any gust during a storm could shatter the glass pane covered by a delicately orange curtain, but it hadn’t happened yet, and therefore, there was no need to fix it.

In the living room, the TV was too loud. In the kitchen, you closed the fridge with your foot and took the tea kettle off the stove, balancing the makings of a sandwich in your arms.

Eddie said to come over half an hour before everyone else so he could help you create your character sheet, and with it being 4PM, you had three hours before you were supposed to head out, and were spending the afternoon with Robin’s parents while she went to Vickie’s before her late night shift.

You placed two slices of bread on a plate when the phone rang.

From the other room, Robin’s dad answered, and his dry vocal chords carried an air of confusion, “Someone’s calling for you!”

“If they’re asking for bail, I’m not here,” you replied in a monotone voice, getting a butter knife out of the drawer.

There was a shuffle as he sat forward in his chair and inquired, wholeheartedly, “Are you asking for bail?” He waited for a reply while you continued to unscrew the cap to the peanut butter. “He says he’s not!”

“Mm.” Unconvinced this wasn’t one of your friends calling from a police station, you finished pouring the two cups of tea you were intending to make, put sugar into one, and carried them into the living room.

“He sounds like a nice young man,” he assured, adjusting the nasal cannulas higher on his upper lip before taking the cup from you.

Narrowing your eyes with wisdom beyond your years, you informed him, “They always do,” and placed the other tea on the end table between the recliner and couch for Robin’s mom to take whenever she wasn’t piecing together the answer for Wheel of Fortune and whispering it into the TV remote clutched to her face.

You took the phone from him and held it to your ear. “Yellow?”

There was a horribly sad sound on the other end.

“Hey! Hi! I, uhm, hey, it’s Eddie, I’m sorry for calling you, if that’s weird, but I’m–I’m going through a lot here”, he ended in a humorless laugh. “I-I-Adrie–So, look–Adrie, it’s okay, I’m fixing it–Adrie was on a playdate, and I don’t know, I think she got into a fight with her friend or something, and broke the toy they were playing with because she didn’t want to share, so she had to come home early, and now she’s upset because the playdate’s over, and the other girl’s toy broke, and–I already said that–but Steve and Nancy are going out of town, and I can’t find a babysitter last minute that will take her to their place, and Wayne’s out playing poker with his friends, and God, I–” He shifted, and you could tell by the fading whimpers that he moved down the hallway, and by the clack on the phone, it was his fingernails dragging along it as he scrubbed his hand over his face, desperate for someone else to come up with a solution. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’m asking of you, but there’s going to be a bunch of guys drinking tonight, and I don’t want Adrie to be around that shit–”

“Eddie?” You didn’t mean to cut him off, but his panic was overwhelming you, and it was easier to concentrate on the one idea your brain latched onto without his input.

“..This is my only night I get to hang out with everyone,” he admitted in a whisper so shy you struggled to hear it. “I’m worried about her distracting me.”

You stared at the linen closet in the hallway to Robin’s bedroom. “I’ve got an idea, okay? Just hold on. I’ll be there in thirty.. maybe forty minutes. That okay?”

More movement sounded from the other end. You thought it was him hanging up without saying goodbye, but then you heard the sweetest thing.

“Miss Mouse is coming over,” he reassured Adrie, and the relief in his voice affected you in the worst way. Making you go all mushy when little Adrie’s hiccupy confirmation came from the depths of her face pressed to the base of his neck.

“M—ouse?”

“Mhmm.”

His hum filled your chest. Her noise of appreciation erupted goosebumps along your forearms. You were wanted–requested–and the square beads digging into your wrist had never felt closer to his, across town.

You addressed Eddie, “I’ve got a plan. Okay? I’ll be over soon.”

“Thank you,” he spoke into the receiver as you hung up.

The phone suspended on the hook in a weighty click. It bounced as you let it go, coil slipping from the table and falling to the floor. You asked your audience of two, “Is it okay if I leave early?”

“Of course you can, dear,” Robin’s dad answered, hoarse from the constant flow of oxygen drying out his throat.

“And can I borrow some of Bobbie’s old bedsheets?”

Her mom made a confused face, but agreed, “Whatever you want, sweet bean.”

–And thus, you had the catalyst for the second time you arrived on Edward Munson’s doorstep with your arms loaded with goodies–

He threw open the door with a dozen apologies stacked behind his teeth. “Hey. I’m sorry for calling you like that, she–”

The she in question came barreling out from behind him.

You dropped your knees to accept Adrienne. Discarding your overstuffed tote bag to hug her wholly; taking her into your arms, and consoling her with all the right words you prepared on your way over. “Hey, I heard you were having a rough day,” you said while tucking her into you tight. “You don’t have to be sad anymore. I’m here.”

Her cheeks had long since dried, but the whiny pitch to her voice teetered on the cusp of a sniffly cry Eddie had only eliminated minutes ago, after his speech about sharing. She mumbled against your puffer jacket, “You came to play wi’h me?”

“I sure did. And you know what? I brought you a surprise.” You flicked your gaze to Eddie to gauge his reaction, and your breath hitched at the beauty of his relief. Standing tall in the doorway over you and his daughter, taking a moment of peace with his eyes closed, mouth in a gentle line, and relaxation easing the near-permanent creases between his brows. The pleasure of a small break from parental duties affected him so physically, you could behold him for hours. Or tell him to go have a cigarette.

However, impatient as any four-year-old, Adrie wriggled in your arms for your attention, and asked what you brought.

Opening the tote, you took out patterned bedsheet after bedsheet. Stars, flowers, cowboys–as many as you could fit, and held them up. “Do you know what we’re gonna make with these?”

“A fort?” she asked, hopeful and bouncing with energy.

“A fort!” you repeated. “We’re gonna build a blanket fort! And I brought movies for you to–”

She grabbed the sheets and took off for her bedroom.

“Okie dokie.” You pushed yourself up from the concrete steps, and fanned out the rented VHSes like a deck of cards to show Eddie instead. “Sorry it took me so long, I stopped by Family Video on my way here. Has she seen these?”

He read the white clamshell packaging, and the dimple on his left cheek developed. “She has,” and before you could react, he pressed on with a reassurance, “but don’t underestimate how many times a kid can watch the same movie and never grow bored of it.”

“Good to know!”

Like that; intuitive, second nature; Eddie knew when he gave you news that could be disappointing, he chased it with a thoughtful remark, validating your considerate gesture.

You slipped them back into the bag, and shouldered it. “I was thinking we could move the TV and VCR in her room, and build a fort around it with a pile of blankets on the floor for her to sleep on like she’s camping. Super cozy. Maybe some string lights if you have some from Christmas?”

“That..” The subtle arch in his eyebrows climbed higher as his eyes drifted closed in true appreciation. “That sounds like a perfect plan.” And his face went apologetic again. “And yeah, thank you for coming early. I was trying to send Adrie on a playdate so she’d come home tired and want to sleep while we’re playing, but, yeah, that went to shit, and then I tried calling her usual babysitters, but they couldn’t watch her at their places, and my uncle’s gone until the morning, and Steve and Nancy are–”

Interrupting him, you stepped into the doorway, and he moved to accommodate you. “Next time,” you said, cupping his upper arm, “just call me first.”

You squeezed and trailed your fingers down his sleeve as you let the moment mature in traces of your fingertips brushing over the thick poly-cotton of his sun-bleached black hoodie missing its drawstring. He prized the moment by memorizing the angel the universe blessed him with; and you were rooted by his gaze, driven to wonder about the ardency which he watched the minute press of your lips when you swallowed, and the coincidence of his own lips twitching into a jumpy smile.

“Let me show you Adrie’s room.”

His home was much the same as when you left it. There was a pillow and blanket tossed on the corner of the couch, a Little Mermaid plate and fork dripping in the dish rack, an assortment of clean clothes piled into a laundry basket on top of the washing machine. Though, Adrie’s toys were put away and the bathroom sink was scrubbed clean of children’s bubble gum flavored toothpaste.

Eddie pushed open the door at the end of the hall, and for the first time, with the tail end of daylight piercing the burgundy curtained window, you saw beyond a few feet to the bed.

You wished you could say the precious girl in the middle of the room caught your eye, but realistically, your attention was drawn to the walls. Specifically, the amount of pink and white Barbie advertisements cut from magazines and special edition My Little Pony fold out posters lining every square inch of available space.

But the girly stuff ended at the height of the dresser beside you.

The bedroom was divided in half, horizontally. Above the mirror decorated in stickers and photos tucked into the frame, the ponies and rainbows ended there, obliterated by a sharp line of black. A RATT flag, Corroded Coffin banner, and printed images of paladins fought the encroaching Carebears and sweet things. Every heavy metal poster in existence overlapped the final push to the ceiling. You took it all in with an air of baffled amusement.

You waved a finger at the top half. “She uh.. a big Judas Priest fan?”

Eddie was already cutting his eyes to you with a sly smile, Adam’s apple bouncing with a mute giggle. “This used to be my room.”

“I figured as much.”

Mixed amongst the posters were guitars hung where only he could reach them, and there was an amp shoved beneath a white desk where his daughter was currently setting up her stuffed animals, picking up one to show you, then second guessing and putting it down.

Eddie vied for you before she could. “Wanna see somethin’?” he asked, walking around the queen sized bed to the closet. Accurately, you guessed he was going to show you a clue to his past, and stepped over the dragging corner of the blue and white comforter, shimmying past him to stand next to the small bookshelf, excitedly watching him reach into the dark abyss. From the top shelf he pulled a lump of jean fabric, and unfolded it, handing it to you. “I used to wear this every day in my youth.”

You pinched the article of clothing between the very tips of your fingers, and turned your head to cough. “Jesus, dude. How much did you used to smoke?”

“Way more than I do now,” he laughed.

After some heavy side-eyeing about his habits, you took a closer look at the garment. The blue plaid lined jean jacket had ratty edges everywhere it could have ratty edges; helped by its sleeves being ripped off, of course. A collection of pins and patches mirrored the ones on his (used to be) bedroom walls–before a princess ruled his kingdom, and fought back the dragons.

“You used to wear this everyday?” you voiced aloud, finding the sentimental value in touching something so dear to him, for him to hang onto it for all these years.

“Should I wear it tonight?” Taking it from you, he flipped up the hood of his sweatshirt, and slipped his arms through the vest, turning around to show you the Dio patch on the back, pointing to it with his thumbs.

You golf clapped. “Very cool. Very tough.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Eddie faced you and tidied the stray waves of his hair flowing out from under the hood, raking his fingers through his bangs until they were perfectly messy, and again, it was one of those strange exchanges where your too honest gazes met, and he diverted his humble smile to the floor, shy and bashful, but not in pretend like before.

You were in his home, in his daughter’s bedroom, doing him a favor, which was feeling less and less like a favor, and more like a convenient excuse you both seized as an opportunity to hang out.

“Miss Mouse!” Adrie gunned for your hand, and embarked on her greatest effort to break you away from her father, tugging you towards her collection of plushes you still needed to be introduced to.

You gasped at the honor, and asked, “Do you want to tell me about them while I braid your hair?”

She lit up at the suggestion. Eddie wasn’t the best at weaving plaits, and she wasn’t the most patient, so having an unbiased party step in to determine whether it was a ‘him’ problem or a ‘her’ problem sounded grand.

And as you sank onto the edge of the mattress with her sitting criss-cross between your legs, it was obvious within the first few twists of the French braid sitting flat against her head, and curved perfectly over her ear, that it was most definitely a ‘him’ problem.

Behind you, there was a great sigh at your victory.

Adrie held up a brown teddy with one glass bead eye slightly larger than the other after surgery was performed on him to replace the one he lost, and said, “This is Mr. Bear.”

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Bear,” you said, using your best Children’s Television Program presenter voice to entertain her. You threw a smile over your shoulder at the silliness, and Eddie was already looking at you, warm brown eyes shining with the same fondness as yours.

“And he’s married to Mrs. Froggy.”

“Wow, a bear and a frog.” You nodded, impressed. “I guess true love knows no bounds.”

Feeling like the third wheel to you and Adrie, Eddie moved into action. “I’m gonna go out to the shed and start bringing in extra chairs, and the Christmas lights you asked for. And, uh, here’s her hair stuff.” He handed you a basket filled to the brim with every style of ponytail holder a drug store could carry. “You two have fun.”

Naturally, as he stepped away to leave, you curled your fingers at him in a childish wave, while Adrie used Mrs. Frog’s hand to do the same, adding on a sing-songy “Bye!” to hers.

And what a delight it was to witness the beginnings of the red flush creeping up his neck as he took a final glance at you both smiling up at him, and he pinched the hood over his mouth to shield his crooked simpering from further inspection.

~~~

The gloaming sky dozed in a blanket of pink and purple clouds knitted together with ribbons of orange.

Eddie leaned in the doorway to the porch, resting his shoulders on the frame as he crossed his ankles. The backs of his hands stung from overwashing them during the dry season, but his palms were soothed by the piping hot bowl he cupped to his chest. His muscles ached from unrest, but he grew warmer with each bite of the cinnamon sugar toast he dipped into the peanut butter oatmeal. Maybe he wouldn’t have taken the time to wipe down the folding chairs from the shed, but when you asked if there were any spiders on them in that timid wobble of yours, he had no other choice. And he’d do it again, even if his body protested the entire ordeal.

Squinting into the beauty of the setting sun, he sighed. Adrienne squealed. You cheered her on.

The pain in his hands subsided, the clawing hunger in his stomach settled, and the soreness in his lower back relented. All his worries fell away when his girl was happy.

For Eddie, standing by as the outsider to the scene of you and his daughter bonding over the neon green bottle of sloshy bubbles, he was aware of the catch in your voice when you asked about the unicorn and learned of his name, Fluff. You released a tender ‘aw’ from the back of your throat, and oh, it fulfilled him in ways he couldn’t possibly articulate. A simple noise, and it felt like a hug from an old friend. A pinky promise. A rare complacency in his life. Ataraxia.

He sensed it more, and more. When you sprinted back and forth on the porch, blowing bubbles for her to pop before they landed on the ground; giggling, laughing. Giggling, laughing. And he was smiling, smiling. It was sweet, so sweet; this new loop he found himself in. Gone was the stress. You took care of it. You heard him say Adrie needed to be tired out before bed time, and here you were, standing at the edge of the creaky floorboards, blowing a slew of bubbles for her to chase in the deadened grass.

She complained, “I can’t–reach!” She jumped, and jumped, but the bubble caught the gust from her fingertips, and continued floating away.

“Use Fluff!”

Elated at the ingenuity, she snatched Fluff from where he posed at your feet, and she launched herself off the deck for the last bubble, popping it with the very tip of his white horn. “Yay!”

“Rad!”

He watched until your forms were bathed in dusky blue, and the cold swallowed your heaving breaths.

Licking clean the last spoonful of his late, late breakfast, he reminded you both, “You girls better get started on this fort before it gets too late. Still gotta set up for the game too.” After whispering a curse under your breath, you ushered Adrie inside, and he asked her, “Can you take this to the sink?” Remarkably, she took his bowl without complaint, but stood stock still until he forced out a pointed, “Thank you,” in a tone implying she should scram.

She snickered at getting a rise out of him, and jogged away.

He reached into his pocket for the object weighing down the front of his hoodie, and produced a tangerine. Juice squished from the top of the fruit where he stabbed his thumb into the rind, and the scent of fresh citrus filled the air. “The chairs are certified spider-free. Got them inspected by a professional and everything.”

Your glare was mellowed by sweetness. “My hero.”

“Daddy.” Adrie was back, and with one simple demand of her hand held out flat, he peeled faster, and dislodged two segments for her. She popped them in her mouth, and ran to her room.

Interesting..

Testing him, you held your hand out flat as well, and with a bored stare, he placed two segments in your palm too.

“Don’t worry, I won’t call you Daddy unless you want me to,” you said, tossing them in the air, and catching them in your mouth. And as the fruit popped between your teeth, and the cold juice gushed like ice over your tongue, your brain caught up to what you just implied, and you froze mid-chew.

Eddie’s expression morphed from slack-jawed surprise, to intrigue, to his lips clamped tight, body shaking with silent laughter. “What?” he squeaked out.

“Uhh–I mean–How about we forget I said that?” you offered, wagging your finger from him to you.

No way.

No way in hell was he about to let you live that one down.

He loved your blunder. Reveled in it, even. It was sweet, sweet revenge. Payback.

Eddie took you off guard by snatching your wrist. He drew you into him as he pushed off the doorframe, bringing you in real close, eliminating the gap between your bodies. His cheeks may have darkened, but it was his greatest pleasure to imbue all his wickedness into repeating the same word you used months ago when he was driving you to Adrie’s school play and he made a similar joke about your bike and riding a man to work.

His nose scrunched with wolfish satisfaction. “Never.”

“Don’t be mean,” you whined. Putting up a weak fight, you attempted to twist your hand from his grasp to–hopefully–bolt away, and bury yourself in a pile of bedsheets for the rest of eternity; just somewhere you could hide, and desperately avoid thinking about the delicious zing traveling to the worst places.

But he wouldn’t let go.

There was clear disdain in the way his posture stiffened the split-second anyone other than his daughter called him Daddy, but you couldn’t deny how good it felt to introduce the context of calling him such a name, whether it would happen when you were under him, gasping it into his mouth; or in different position, with your knees on either side of his narrow hips, bouncing out the syllables..

His breathing deepened. You squirmed.

Caught in each other’s trap. Impossible to look away, the sweltering fantasy sat heavy in your mutual gaze, wide pupils boring into wide pupils. Heartbeats pounding beneath the surface of uncharted waters. An intimacy to his study of your body language, especially when you tilted your head to the side, and the lingering wryness in his eyes turned curious.

Illuminated by the glow of the bathroom light above the medicine cabinet, the face framing layers of Eddie’s haircut brushed his cheeks from beneath the hard shadows of his hood, and the fog from your exhales mixed in the inky darkness.

Alas, the standoff came to an abrupt end when Adrie called your name.

“I should help her with the fort,” you whispered in a release of tension.

One finger at a time, he opened his harmless grip. “I’m gonna bring your bike up here in case the weather turns,” he said, voice the same as always when he had you this near; quiet, tame, cutting in and out in the vowels.

“What a gentleman.”

Definitely a gentleman when he bit into the tangerine as if it were an apple to distract you from his hand tugging down his hoodie to hide the hard outline stretching towards the thigh of his light wash blue jeans.

You sneered at the fleshy strings of fruit pulp gathering over his lower lip. “And by gentleman, I mean utter weirdo.”

~~~

By winter’s solid nightfall, most of the fort had been completed. Eddie visited the room to drop off the TV (after it had been cleaned of staticy dust clinging to the glass), and placed it and the VCR on top of a Coca-Cola crate at the foot-end of the blanket nest you created. At one point he grabbed his acoustic guitar from the wall, and brought more clothes pins.

You pinned the last corner of the sheet canopy above Adrie while she pulled her tea party table inside the fort, and set up her toys in the itty bitty pink chairs. She volunteered to string the twinkly lights herself, giving you an excuse to go to the kitchen where you could make the highest quality finger sandwiches as dinner for her and her cotton-stuffed guests. And by total coincidence, Eddie was beside you, hunched over the counter with a DND book opened to a page of illustrations with a blank character sheet to his right.

“Ham, mayo, cheese, and the thinnest layer of mustard,” he told you.

You organized the ingredients to Adrie’s sandwich and confirmed, “A hint of mustard. Got it.” Taking two slices of sandwich bread, you placed them on her Beauty and the Beat plate, and dipped a butter knife into the mayo jar, slathering a generous amount on one side. One the other, you merely suggested mustard had been in the presence of it with a single swipe.

He angled the book to you. “Which race and class do you want to play as?”

Looking over the pictures, there were more to choose from than you initially assumed, but there was a clear winner towering above the rest. “That one. The big green guy.” Apparently he was called a half-orc, and he was stacked with muscle on top of muscle. “I wanna be huge and brawny like him, crushin’ my enemies with my giant biceps. Like, everyone’s scared of me, but I save kittens on the weekends. Fighter type, or whatever’s the term. Melee? I wanna beat people up with my bare fists.”

Eddie glanced you up and down. “Overcompensating for something?”

Deflating, your puffer jacket swished fabric-on-fabric as you dropped your arms. You pouted, but the tug at his heartstrings went ignored as he rolled a large dice, and picked up the pencil.

So be it. It was your turn to sum him up in one glance. How his shaggy outdated haircut gathered on his shoulders, curtaining his face as he underlined words on the character sheet, not even paying you attention. How his jean vest paraded his music tastes under years of dust and a decade of smoke baked into it; offensive and meant to ward off others, unless they belonged. How he decorated his skin in macabre imagery, and wore his white tennis shoes with just enough dirt to show he didn’t care. How every denim item he owned came with holes. How his keys dangled from a keyring attached to his belt loop, so everyone was forced to listen to him expressing his apathy towards the world with each stomp, and rattle of chains swinging against his leg. How he bent over the counter with his hip cocked out, making his pants crease to his inner thighs, highlighting a particular package beneath a handcuff belt buckle. How he was decked out in his usual skull themed rings. Prickly, jaded, drives too fast, and has never heard of an ‘inside voice’ once he deemed you worthy of his boisterous ramblings. Loud, obnoxious, excessively weird when he was himself around you.

You asked, “Are you overcompensating for something?”

“I don’t need to.”

Cool, smooth, nonchalant.

I don’t need to.

Warmth flooded your abdomen. Heat reached your cheeks. Blood rushed, descended to the place your thighs clenched, where your jean’s stiff metal zipper went tight–and if you stood a certain way–the seam grazed over.

Rolling the dice again, his expression remained impassive as he filled in more blank spots, asking you in a monotone voice, “What’s your orc’s name?”

“Gary,” you answered in a bout of exasperation, annoyed he’s acting like he didn’t just say that.

There was no way you were about to be the one squirming again. After his teasing earlier, he deserved a dose of his own medicine.

Feeling undue bravery, you set the butter knife down, and rested your elbow on the counter, angling your body towards him with your hands linked over your stomach, wearing an adorably smug pinch of confusion between your brows. You were the example of casual when you asked, “Do orcs fight with a dagger? Maybe six and a half.. seven inches in length? Curved to the right? Real girthy handle?”

Eddie’s face lurched into wide-eyed awe at your bombshell of an innuendo. He turned his head slowly, frizzy curls sticking to his just-licked lips, fluttering in front of his gawking smile as he exhaled a stunned huff. His big brown eyes were alert with the thrill of the subject, and he stared, waiting for you to fold. You didn’t blink, acting classes coming in handy as his eyebrows climbed higher and higher, and you remained stoic, free of emotion.

A choked out– “I..” –came from his mouth, but he didn’t finish. He hooked his finger around a lock of hair, and twisted it, yanking more over the lower half of his face as he shrank into the comfort of his hoodie, leaving just his eyes visible.

At last, he answered, voice wavering high and tight, “A little over seven, I think.”

You lifted your chin, and rolled your lips inward, steeling yourself from voicing anything other than an impressed hum.

However..

Having a knack for bad decisions, you drew in a breath to speak–but Adrie came to your rescue before you humiliated yourself by saying something abhorrent like, ‘my, my, that’s quite a size,’ or ‘I heard that orc’s been single a while; what’s his skill level with that weapon?’ or worse, ‘need a second opinion on that length?’

“Are you almost done?”Adrie asked.

She sought the answer by snaking her hands under your jacket and clinging onto the back of your hips, making you jolt at her cold fingers creeping over your skin, and you stumbled after she trusted you to support her weight while she jumped onto her tippy toes.

You lost your balance, and your hero from further harm was Eddie.

Well, less of a hero, and more like he stood with his arms pinned to his sides, and took the brunt of your fall.

He released a painful wheeze from being wedged into the corner where the sharp edges of the countertop dug into his bones.

“Sorry,” you think you whispered, but maybe it never left your lungs.

You watched the subtle tic under his eyes when he said, “S’okay,” and the ‘s’ whistled sharply between his teeth.

It was amazing–incredible–to discover he had freckles sprinkled across the top of his cheekbones, standing out against the telltale shade of embarrassment. You’d never been this close to notice them before; near enough your nose tickled from the end of his hair. Never had the opportunity to catch yourself on his bicep, and feel the extraordinary body heat radiating off him, dialed on high from the last few minutes. And now you had to continue living as if you didn’t know his dick size.

Adrie brought you back to reality. “Can you cut off the top crust? It’s shaped like a butt, and I don’t like it.”

Letting go of Eddie, you reached for her, patting her shoulder for her back up and release you from this awkward prison. “Y-Yeah, of course. No top crust. Got it, little lady.”

She giggled and kept talking as you put an ample gap between you and her dad. Thank God she giggled and kept talking as you and Eddie regained some semblance of composure.

“Can you cut it in long squares?”

“Rectangles,” Eddie corrected gently.

“Reck-tangles,” she pronounced.

“Perfect.” He grabbed his pencil and dice, and picked up where he left off on your character sheet. And you were more than happy to play along, peeling the Kraft Single from its plastic film and placing it on top of two slices of ham before cutting it into long squares.

~~~

With her sandwich made, you and Adrie sat at the tiny pink table under the fort. Your neck ached from the constant hunched position, and your legs were falling asleep, but you’d deal with the pain if it meant having tea with the princess.

She tipped air from an empty tea pot into the tea cups, and Mr. Bear thanked her for his imaginary portion.

Throughout the play-dinner, Eddie was in and out of the room. There were noises from the closet, sounding like he was picking up shoeboxes filled with rattling items. The canopy drooped when he opened the top drawer on the dresser where it was tied. Musical notes from a wind instrument trilled from the living room.

After another bite of her sandwich–Oh, no, Princess Adrienne, I’m much too full, you may have mine–a ne’erdowell crashed your exclusive party.

“Hey, this is pretty,” Eddie said, poking his head inside; his grin lengthening into a frightful shadow from the Christmas lights stuck in his hair. He looked around at the hard work his little girl put into the fort, linking the bedsheets from his old desk, across the back of a chair, and held aloft by the dresser. The TV occupied the space one of his amps used to, and the nest of blankets covered what used to be a network of cords, albums, and magazines. But that was years ago. Now, his gaze settled on the adult woman feigning a long sip on her toddler-sized tea cup, and a hand smashed against his face–

Adrie shoved him out of the fort, and whipped closed the entryway bedsheet. “No boys allowed!”

“But.. I need to borrow Miss Mouse,” he begged in a pitiful quaver.

She cut her eyes to you, and rolled them into the next eternity (a move you’d become an expert in yourself.) You bargained with her in a haughty shrug, and after a moment of consideration, she drew back the curtain. “Fine.”

Making an unglamorous exit by crawling on your hands and knees, you accepted Eddie’s warm palm to help you stand. “What’cha need help with?”

“The folding table is behind the couch, and it’s annoying to pull out by myself with all the mugs in the way,” he explained on his way to the living room. “Oh, can you move that stuff off it? Yeah, just toss it in a corner.”

He used his shin to push the coffee table against the wall while you picked up the pillow and stack of blankets off the corner of the couch. But after collecting them to your chest, and the thinning pillow released a puff of air from its wilted self, you were struck with an array of scents. Hair products, cigarette smoke, vanilla, sour sweat; notes of exhaust, motor oil, and fumes.

It smelled bad in the good way.

The mix stung your nostrils, twinged at your eyes. But it was a comfort you hugged tighter. Familiarity you inhaled deeper. Home in your lungs.

You took his pillow, and Adrie’s kaleidoscope quilt with the tattered facing, and went to place them on the fold-out bed in the corner, assuming it was his; but as you neared, you scrutinized the collection of items on the oak nightstand beside it. A brand of cigarettes he didn’t smoke, a BIC lighter he didn’t use, a comb, and a clunky silver watch. And as you thought about it more, you saw the fold-out bed already had a set of sheets and a pillow balanced on top of it.

“Eddie, where do you sleep?”

There was much care put into your question, but the uneasy way it probed into his private life was evident in his change in demeanor.

He was slow to stand up from adjusting a side table out of the way, never quite unslouching the weight from his shoulders when he pushed his hood back to run a hand over his hair. The cuckoo clock on the wall ticked by as you watched him scratch his fingernails in tight circles on his scalp, roughing up his hair, never quite focusing his gaze on anything.

“Well,” he mumbled, gesturing at the lumpy couch cushions. “Here.”

Despite figuring as much, he never stated it bluntly, and to know another hardship of his reality squeezed your heart with sympathy.

He must’ve read the emotion on your face as pity, because his tone reflected an edge of annoyance; a deep-seated stress sneaking out when he spoke to those who didn’t get it. “Most of my paycheck goes to Adrie’s daycare. That shits expensive, and as much as I don’t want her growing up right in front of me, things will get better when she finally starts real school. I won’t be paying for that anymore, and I can start saving up, and maybe, y’know, start making some changes around here.” He spoke with his hands in a sad sort of shrug, waving at the trailer, though his gaze was cast down, and away from you. “But this is how it is, okay? I can’t do anything to fix it.” There was a haunting sort of pessimism that came from living in poverty. As much as he made statements about changing his life when he had more money, there was still the pile of bills in the kitchen, the numerous things in need of fixing around the house, Wayne’s truck on its last leg, and the fear of a random doctor visit wiping out his bank account. All of that resided in his tone.

You gripped his pillow harder, not sure what to say other than a hushed, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring it up.”

At that, he shook himself out of ruminating on his situation, and saw you were awkwardly twisting the pillowcase around your fingers, staring at the floor. He realized he messed up.

Every bit of him went soft for you. “Wait, wait, wait,” he soothed, striding three steps to you and cupping his palms around your upper arms. “I didn’t mean to say it like that. Not to you. Not when you’ve been the sweetest–seriously, the sweetest, and most generous person to me and Adrie. It–It, yeah, it hits a sore spot, talking about shit like having to sleep on the couch, but I didn’t mean to speak to you that way.” He finished with a final, sweet, but quick, and enunciated assurance, “I’m sorry.”

Overwhelmed by the whiplash in his change of attitude, followed by his sincere apology, you stammered, “Oh, uh, it’s okay. I understand why you reacted the way you did. It’s cool.”

At an impasse, you looked up at him. He stroked his thumbs over the cool outer layer of your jacket. Swish, swish, swish.

More, deeper. Swish, swish, swish.

You understood.

This was our first fight as whatever-we-are, and I’m showing you I can apologize instead of brushing it off and forgetting about it like I used to.

It was the mildest spat, yet it was a milestone for him.

“Seriously, we’re good,” you said, crushing the pillow to your chest.

Shifting the subject, he lightened the mood. “Also, did I mention how much I appreciate you coming over early, and playing with Adrie? The whole fort thing, going out of your way to get her movies, ‘nd making her run around like a maniac? Genius.”

“Yeah, yeah, put it on that ‘thank you’ tab you owe me,” you teased him, pulling away to set his bedding on top of his uncle’s.

“Soon!” he promised. He tapped at the side of his head. “Got some ideas brewing in here.”

“Not sure if I should be excited, or scared.”

Ah, his two-front-teeth-showing grin. Your favorite.

He laughed, and with your help, the couch was scooted away from the wall enough for the wood laminate fold-out table to be wiggled out from behind it at an angle which avoided knocking the mugs hanging from the shelf above it. You draped a tablecloth over it in a flourish. Eddie pressed the wrinkles out of the grid pattern, and began placing miniature standees from the shoeboxes onto the squares; parts of a village, cobblestone fences, and characters to fill out the town. When he didn’t need you anymore, you went to check on Adrie, and the moment you crawled inside the fort and she showed you the pajamas Eddie picked out for her earlier, there was a series of car honks outside.

Showtime.

“You ready, Miss Adrie?”

“Mhm!”

Tires crunched rocks in the makeshift driveway. Engines died. Noises, greetings, Eddie’s happiness grew louder, and louder. A group sounded off. Several sets of shoes scraped the cement steps, and in the amalgamation of voices was one above the rest, “Hey, looking good, man. Haven’t seen you since you almost killed my elven ranger before Christmas.”

You crawled backwards out of the fort, and caught Adrie’s hand before she ran out of the room.

From the living room, Eddie sucked his teeth, and dismissed his friend. “You had it coming all night with the way you were walking around not checking for traps.”

“It was one time! And besides–” The argument stopped. His blue eyes went wide with shock, outstretched arms drooping as he focused on something behind Eddie. He lowered the two six packs he was carrying. “A girl!”

Being led by an excited almost-five-year-old, you bolted around the kitchen counter, and raised your eyebrows at the blunt acknowledgement of your existence. You looked at Eddie, whose entire being depleted with a sigh.

With his head hung, he swept his arm towards you. “This is my friend from work. She’s playing with us tonight.” And under his breath, he muttered to the young man wearing a ballcap over his springy curls, “Be cool.”

He shoved a six pack at Eddie’s chest, and pursued you with his hand held out. “I’m Dustin! Eddie’s friend from high school, and previous Hellfire member,” he said, displaying a mouthful of adult braces.

“Dustin, it’s nice to meet you!”

Repeating people’s names back to them was a helpful memorization tool, but as your gaze shifted, the nerves of making a good first impression on Eddie’s friends sat heavy in your stomach.

The other guys on the stairs came up behind Dustin. In a rush, you were introducing yourself to the beginnings of a crowd stomping through the living room. Exchanging names and smiles and handshakes, you gripped Adrie’s tiny hand for support and said, “I’m the receptionist at the auto shop, that’s how I know Eddie.”

The one who approached you last–Gareth, drummer for Corroded Coffin–snapped his fingers, and exclaimed, “Oh! You’re the receptionist.”

“Alright, alright,” Eddie interjected, body and voice between you two. “Beer goes in the kitchen, and I’ll order pizza in a minute.”

He passed off the six pack to someone else.

Gareth reached into his leather jacket with a wicked, lopsided grin. “I brought something a little stronger than beer.” Though most of your vision was taken up by the back of Eddie’s shoulder, you caught a flash of amber liquid in a clear bottle, and a black label.

Kneeling beside you, Jeff–guitarist for Corroded Coffin–tilted his head down so Adrie could touch the wooden beads at the end of his short braids, and said to Eddie, “You know, since we’re havin’ it at your place again, why not make it memorable? Or not memorable,” he joked. “Maybe a sip for every roll under 13.”

Eddie gave him the Dad stare. “You’re gonna be shitfaced–Adrie, you didn’t hear that–by the time this is over, and I’m not organizing rides for all of you.”

“I’m driving tonight.” Lloyd–bassist for Corroded Coffin–jangled his car keys.

“And so am I,” a girl’s voice came from beyond the entryway everyone was crowding. “Now can we come inside before we freeze to death, or do you really think you can take on another basilisk without my help?”

A round of laughter gave way to the next group entering.

SWISH, SWISH, SWISH.

The girl at the helm of the windbreaker brigade went to the kitchen to drop off the case of beer straining her arms. (It seemed that was the payment of choice to the host.)

Sensing you were lost to the sea of faces, Eddie laid a comforting hand between your shoulder blades, and drifted it downwards to the small of your back. “That’s Erica, Max, and Lucas,” he told you in your ear.

Max held on tight to Lucas’ arm, taking smaller steps into the mixture of orange and blue-white lamps flooding the room tight with bodies, and shapes she was unfamiliar with.

“Aw, don’t you two look cute,” Gareth goaded them in an overly saccharine way.

Max groaned, “I told him it was lame.”

Whereas she shrank into her black and neon pink jacket, Lucas scoffed, and fueled her disgusted tongue click. “Matching windbreakers should be the least of your worries. You’re playing Dungeons and Dragons. You can’t get any lamer than that.” To finish, he popped the collar of his in a suave swish, and guided her into the kitchen.

She made a gagging sound, and Erica made one too.

————

While waiting for the last guest to arrive, the front door remained open. The glow from inside etched the peeling paint on the stair’s ornate handrail in gold. Warm laughter rolled out like fog into the dry frigid night, where neighbors could hear it. See it. Feel the vibrations of Eddie Munson’s friendship, support, weirdness being celebrated. Witness the joy others could not steal from him. They could observe the vehicles parked out front, listen to the rapture of claps when Adrie performed a song and dance, and taste the bitterness in their mouths when Eddie “The Freak” Munson continuously found his gaze drifting to the girl beside him, who beamed at him openly.

————

Fashionably late, a loud car turned into the trailer park; the obnoxious kind, where the motor rumbled like a death rattle, but in a cool way, because it was made to sound like that on purpose.

Eddie looked over his shoulder, and raised his hand at Mike. “Hey, man,” he whispered, keeping their conversation separate while everyone else was exchanging stories.

“Did you wanna check out the engine?” Mike bounced his eyebrows, swinging the keys to his bright yellow muscle car. “I installed it a few weeks ago.”

It was a tempting offer. He wasn’t opposed to car talk, nor freezing his hands off to fawn over the modifications Mike made to his beloved 1979 Mustang while in the big city for school, and, of course, Eddie was going to give him his usual spiel about working for David when he came back to Hawkins. However, he didn’t want to abandon the newest member to their party.

“In a min,” Eddie said to Mike, motioning with his head to come inside.

Assuming he’d just tossed his girl to the wolves, Eddie zoned into the conversation again, and rubbed his hand along your back. His palm passed over the warm spot on your jacket where he was comforting you before, and he glanced around the circle of his friends–tightly knit, and grinning at you.

He assumed wrong.

You weren’t shy, or intimidated to be the new person in a group of people who’d known each other for decades, failing to be heard over their easy banter and inside jokes. No. They were hanging onto your every word.

The group had gone hushed, captivated by your life. You had a knack for turning the mundane into marvelous enthrallments of relatable spectacular. Every sentence was more entertaining than the last. The punch lines landed, and kept coming. You worked them like a crowd–and when someone else shared a similar anecdote, you were asking questions, getting them to open up, and take the stage. This was you. You were in your element. You didn’t need Eddie.

“Oh! That reminds me of this one lady when I was waitressing in Philly..”

“In New York we had these huge pigeons that would..”

“Back home, there was this place on the corner where..”

Eddie took his hand away. The insulated warmth dissipated from his palm as he let it hang at his side. Your rolodex of stories separated you from him.

“Dude, you wanna talk about bad dates? This one time..”

“And then there was this guy who..”

“–Worst kiss ever.”

Details were spared–maybe because both he and Adrie were there–but the story beats were like stabs to his stomach. Clenched, sinking hot with envy. It wasn’t like him. Not really. He didn’t think so, anyway. But maybe he was wrong.

Jealousy prickled under his skin at every mention of ‘home’ and ‘date.’ He didn’t appreciate the heat to his cheeks, nor the loneliness of his hand reaching out for Adrie, only for her to notice him with a sleepy blink while she clung to your hips, and it was your fingers rubbing her little shoulder.

Of course he knew the subject of your stories, of course he knew you’d been on hundreds of dates, of course he knew you lived a larger life than him, but he’d never had to listen to the yearn in your voice when you spoke about the things you missed. The city, the people, being on stage. Performing, collecting stories, having dinners at sit-down restaurants. These were eccentricities integral to your design, and Eddie Munson had no place among them.

“Hey, Wheeler?” The lump in Eddie’s throat grew. Even Mike was transfixed on listening to you, forgetting about the keys in his hand. Leaning closer, he tapped on his friend’s teal raincoat to get his attention. “Mike? You wanted to show me your–?”

“Right!” Mike whipped his head around, sending his shaggy haircut bouncing in freshly styled waves. “Yeah, so I started with..” he trailed off, walking down the stairs, and out to the yard.

Before Eddie followed, he surveyed the group; Gareth was snickering his way through a story, while the rest of you went nauseous at his description of getting eighteen stitches, and replicating the sound of the needle popping through his skin.

“Babe?” he whispered under the group’s grossed out gasps, speaking the endearment for you only. Taking control, in a way, of his shame by reminding himself he could call you by a sweet nickname, and you’d answer.

You divided your attention, tipping your ear to him, and tearing your gaze from Gareth’s bizarre reenactment of how he fractured his tibia, and settling your eyes on Eddie’s Cupid’s bow when he made a request, “I’m gonna talk shop with Mike. Can you take over here? Get people settled, and Adrie in bed?”

“Of course, handsome.”

For couples, this is where he would duck to give you a kiss on the forehead, or bring you to his side for a hug and be on his way, and perhaps you gleaned those tentative actions when he hesitated on the lean-in, and sat in the subsequent awkwardness of playing it off as a friendly pat on your back when he realized, yeah, he’d never hugged you before.

You diffused the tension by laughing at him. Great.

As he rolled his eyes, you stopped him from leaving, and stepped away from the group.

“Where should we put our jackets?” you asked, pinching the zipper of yours.

Eddie paused in the middle of his gangly stride, and glanced at the two available hooks beside his leather jacket. It hadn’t started snowing or sleeting yet, so everyone’s coats would be dry. “Couch is fine.”

You said, “Cool,” and plunged your hand. In the blink of an eye, you had unzipped your jacket, and thrown your arms back, wiggling it down your shoulders and tugging it off by the cuffs. Underneath your jacket was a tight white tank top and unbuttoned flannel. A nice, fitted, ribbed shirt. Lower cut than anything you had worn at the auto shop, and clinging to your chest as you arched your back and shimmied out of your outer layer.

His gaze stalled.

You didn’t comment on it. He didn’t say anything, either, when his focus snapped to your face, and he read your sly smirk. Adrie, however, grew restless.

“I’m sleepy,” she whined.

“Okay, sweet bean,” you said, besotted by how little her hand was in yours. “C’mon, we can pick out the first movie to play in the fort, too.”

Eddie, thankful to have a distraction, and even more thankful you didn’t call out his obvious ogling, sank to his knees to give his little girl a goodnight hug and kiss. Part of him missed not being able to sit on the couch with her falling asleep on his chest, but the twelve peppered kisses to her cheek would have to suffice. He trusted you to take over the last few steps of Adrie’s night routine without his supervision, and sat back on his calves–after doting over her one last time by straightening out the long sleeves on her pajamas, and twirling the end of her braid around his finger.

“Night,” he kissed against her forehead.

“Night, Daddy,” she kissed back.

Kneeling on the carpet for a moment longer, he ran his tongue along the sharp edge of his teeth at watching you walk away with her. He was hidden amongst the throng of legs, and deep conversation. Invisible for now.

Drop, by drop, his chest filled with tender emotions. A coffee pot of feelings he swore to suppress poured into his heart; brimming the edge, overflowing, bringing heat to those neglected hopes, longings, and desires. Minutes ago you spoke of home, and he was aware he was not owed the promise of you changing the location of home to within biking distance, but he could hope, because every second you spent with him and his daughter was another coin in the wishing well, sploshing the coffee over.

Soon, the overflow would trickle to his lungs. It would fill them up. It would reach his throat. It would coat his tongue, wet his mouth, and before he knew it, those confessions would be spilling into words for you to cup to your mouth and drink until you were as full as he was.

Or, he could suppress them tonight with alcohol. Just enough to dull the urge, but still act as Dungeon Master.

Or, the whiskey could loosen his tongue, and risky sentiments could flood over, one steady drop at a time.

Either way, he was drowning.

~~~

Diving into the true purpose of the evening, the party split between the kitchen and the table in the living room. Jeff went out to Lloyd’s truck, and brought in a long black case. Snapping the latches open, he took out an electric keyboard, and began setting it up in his lap while Gareth rapped his drumsticks on his thighs in a slow rhythm. In the bedroom, you fluffed up the blankets for Adrie to lay on, tucked the comforter to her chin, and brushed her bangs off her forehead while the blue flash of the Disney castle logo played across her heavy eyelids. Idling around the variety of beers on the kitchen counter, Max gripped one of the silver and red cans, and spun it around its plastic ring holder, straining to discern the label.

You came up behind her to let her know, “That one’s Bud Light.”

“Ew,” she frowned, “who would bring that?” She opted for the can of Pabst instead.

“Some people have no tastes.”

On cue, Dustin wove his way through Lucas’ and Erica’s argument over which Mortal Kombat character was the best, adding a quick, “Liu Kang, obviously,” and snapped a silver can from the ring pack. He looked from you to Max. “What?”

Shifting from the secret giggles rising in your chests, she shrugged. “Nothing!”

He squinted at her, not buying it. Cracking the tab, he took a sip, and then you became the subject of interest. “So,” he started, “how long have you and Eddie been friends?”

Perplexion drew Max’s eyebrows together.

Aware of where this was going, you got your own beer, and carried an airy, casual tone while popping the cap, “Oh, just a few months, since I moved here with my roommate–Robin, if you know her.” His expression answered for you, arching in an ‘ah!’ of understanding.

Max, though, was stuck on another detail. “Wait, you and Eddie aren’t dating? I thought–I figured since he’s never invited anyone here before, and his daughter was, like, holding onto you?”

“Yeah, Adrie’s pretty fond of me, I think,” you answered, hiding your own secret behind the glass bottle to your lips. “And Eddie’s cool, too, I guess.”

“Well, I don’t know about him being cool, per se–” she was cut off.

Blurs of black and teal tumbled in rivers of frosted breath, and clattering teeth. Mike shivered life into his limbs on his way to the sink to run his hands under hot water. Eddie’s cheeks and nose were tinted frosty red as he wiped the dirt from his numb fingers onto his hoodie, and pulled his wallet from the junk drawer to check it for cash.

His brown eyes zeroed on you first, Dustin’s wiry mug second, and Max’s tilted lips third.

As he picked up the phone to dial for pizza delivery with his grease-scraped knuckle, he warned in a playful inflection, “You better not be telling her embarrassing stories about me.”

“Oh, no!” Max promised him. “I didn’t even tell her about how I used to live across from you, and caught you–on numerous occasions–sweeping the porch while blasting ABBA, and screaming the lyrics at the top of your lungs. While drunk.” She didn’t need to see him from across the kitchen to feel the heat of his glare, and duel it with another cool shrug, defeating him with ease when the pizza place picked up, and he had to stumble over his order.

Once the hurdle of dinner was out of the way, the drinks of choice sweated under the cozy temperature of ten bodies packed like sardines at the table, and with Eddie at the helm of it all, the game commenced.

He set forth a toast. Affection swelled in his even gaze sweeping over his friends who had come to join him in his home, acknowledging the growth behind his ordinary request. He couldn’t speak it without a nervous tremble, no, but they understood. They understood. With pride, his eyelashes twinkled at the outer corners where mirth gathered, and his broad grin creased a slew of Crow’s feet into cascading to his smile lines with his dimple nestled between them. His silent gratitude thanked the room, and when he reached Jeff at his right hand side, Eddie flicked his eyes to the opposite end of the table, and brought the whiskey to his lips.

The room refracted beautifully in the carved edges of the smokey gray tumbler. It was silly, almost, how the squat glass vanished behind his large palm and thick fingers. Sillier, even, when you noticed these things and your heart pumped a little faster.

Sat at the far end across from him, you raised your beer, and sipped.

“Now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages,” he spoke in increasing speed and passion, descending into a lower octave as he stood and loomed over his dividers of books, binders, and folders acting as a shield to his Dungeon Master antics, “I present to you, the port town of Irrilis!”

He bowed, and swept his arms over the miniature display.

Sitting back, he guided everyone into the scene. Between describing the smell of the briny sea, the itch of stale sweat mixed with dried blood on their bodies, and the creak of wooden planks under their feet, he expertly wove lore into details of the town, comparing the afternoon sun on the backs of their necks to the stares they were getting. The townsfolk were not expecting newcomers this evening, apparently; and to finish the introduction, he cupped his hands to his mouth and bellowed the caw of seagulls perched atop a gnarled bulletin board. When it became clear the fishermen were not interested in speaking to Lloyd’s tiefling, he asked if there was a guard nearby instead. Instantly, Eddie became one. He donned a constant salute, and rigid posture with a nasty curl on his lip, speaking in stunted sentences with a broadened chest.

Watching him perform was mesmerizing.

Your vision narrowed as if you were going lightheaded, highlighting Eddie at the center with sharpened colors. His broad movements coaxed you in, his ability to switch both his pitch and accent raced in your ears, his creature cadence hummed nostalgia along the back of your mind like an old memory of observing another actor on stage mastering their craft. Time forgot to start. He stole a glance in your direction and you were washed in humility. He was gauging your reaction to his geekiness, and whatever he saw, whatever was written in your expression, rewarded his vulnerability. Confidence set his face aglow; power in the way he beheld you. And you praised him by sitting forward, affixing him with all your adoration, considering yourself fortunate to be in his presence.

After all, you’d been enchanted by Eddie Munson since the first day he stomped past your desk with a fierce scowl aimed at the ground, and now? Now he couldn’t keep his eyes off of you.

~~~

As with most DND adventures, the fun began at a tavern.

The group had spent too much time with Eddie as their DM, they knew the bulletin board was a red herring, so they explored the city until they found the seediest bar tucked into the end of an alleyway.

You were reading over the details Eddie wrote for you on your character sheet when you were snatched to the present by an array of sounds.

Eddie strummed down on his acoustic guitar, and silenced the vibration with his palm. He then plucked a slow, seeking, progression, circling back until Jeff harmonized on his keyboard, and they nodded their heads in sync while Gareth found the tavern’s beat with the ends of his drumsticks on the edge of the table. Lloyd angled his chair to put his guitar in his lap, and chased the melody quietly under Eddie’s, at a slower tempo.

To be captivated by someone, wholly immersed in their quirks and nature, is to cherish them, and as you played audience to your friend’s natural charisma and ability to impress you in new ways after months of knowing him, your chest panged with the ache to cherish him completely.

You were one beer deep on an empty stomach, and you were already intoxicated by him.

Their song continued as he laid out the exposition of the tavern, and as a party, everyone sat at the bar, or snuck around invisible to glean information. And that’s where you came in–

Jeff changed his tune to have a mysterious dissonance.

Erica’s rogue sidled in beside you at a table, and smoothly asked you a variety of questions: how long you’d been in town, if you knew of the disappearances, or had any encounters with the rumor of the undead lurking outside the kingdom.

You… You looked at your orc’s low intelligence on the paper, and seeing as how you were an improv artist, you roleplayed.

Inhaling a mighty breath, you filled out your not-so-intimidating frame with imaginary muscle, and shot out your hand. “I’m Gary!” you exclaimed, rough and tough.

The guitars stopped on a screech.

Pause.

Eddie covered his mouth. His eyebrows peaked sentimentally. And once his shoulders shook, and his snort squeaked out like a dying sprinkler, everyone laughed. In your periphery, they each reacted differently–all having their unique outbursts at your blunt introduction. Erica, too, giggled as she shook your hand. They were laughing with you. Definitely with you when Jeff chose a sillier ditty to play, and the guys matched him, upbeat and excited for you to wholeheartedly participate in their game.

Soon, your orc joined their party, and a series of clues earned from armwrestling other bar patrons led you down several paths to take, and after finding a lost tome near an underground jail cell (thanks to Dustin’s constant perception checks), your group was led outside, past Irrilis’ stone walls, and to their dying crops.

Mike scooped a collection of dice into his hand after, somehow, engaging in combat with a scarecrow, and began shaking them.

There was a bang at the door.

Mike jumped, uncupping his palms mid-shake, and the dice went flying. He caught three–snatched them right out of the air–and before they ricocheted off his fingers to add to the clatter on the table, he began to juggle them. One, two, three, four perfect rotations, and he set them down.

Eddie hadn’t yet stood up from his chair when his gaze wandered to yours, and he cut you a cheeky, significant grin. You shot him an exaggerated sneer in return. Stupid juggling.

He managed to not trip over the scattered mix of boots and tennis shoes mingling around the entrance, and balanced the exchange of cash for a stack of white cardboard boxes his eyes and handsome nose peeked over on his way to sliding them onto the kitchen counter.

“Orders up, boys.”

As grease soaked into paper plates, and another round of drinks were poured by Gareth’s heavy hand, you were all ushered into the next leg of the game.

Jeff played low notes as background mood music for your party when you came upon your next encounter: ghouls. They were low level, easy to defeat even if there were many, but it was an opportunity for Erica to teach you the different dice. Max leaned over, and helped you keep track of your abilities, and if you could execute them from where you stood on the grid.

When it was Max’s turn to roll for attack and damage in the rotation, she did so in a shallow wooden tray between her and Lucas. The dice tumbled around, pinged the sides, and came to a stop where Lucas could read the numbers, and do the math.

Least to say, she decimated her target.

Erica’s rogue on the other hand rolled a number Eddie was ambivalent towards.

“Convince me you can sneak up on him,” he proposed, squinting over his steepled fingers, and leaning back in his chair. They seemed to butt heads a lot, if her eye roll was anything to go off of.

She stood up from the table, and snapped her fingers at Mike to act as her overly large zombie. “C’mon.”

He groaned, “Not again,” but did as he was told, standing not unlike a limp noodle with a flat stare into the distance as she listed off her character’s skills for Eddie, and hooked her arm around Mike’s throat, bending him backwards over her pencil (pretend knife) to his back. She even shuffled him to where Eddie could acknowledge the poison on the tip of her blade would enter his kidney. He argued the undead did not have functioning kidneys, but conceded her efforts.

It was your turn next, but as you were mulling over the ghouls on the grid in front of your figurine, the rest of the table went silent.

The bedroom door creaked open, and soft footsteps padded out onto the kitchen vinyl. Eddie jerked his head up from behind the dividers. Gareth scooted his chair in, assuming Adrie was going to squeeze by on her way to her dad, but there was no need..

She wedged herself between you and Max, and splayed her arms across your lap. With her cheek to your thigh, she sighed, pitifully, “The movie stopped, and my head hurts.”

“Oh, no,” you consoled her in your silly Children’s Television Program presenter voice. “Is it the braids? They can be so un-com-for-table to sleep in.” Perhaps you instilled too much confidence in the pizza to soak up the alcohol, because you were now two beers and a few sips of whiskey deep into the ‘overly affectionate’ stage of your tipsiness. You collected the sleepy girl to your lap, and enveloped her in a bone crushing hug, rocking yourselves back and forth, fawning each other in a happy hum, unaware of the bewildered stares boring into you as you pressed a kiss above her ear.

The men around the table exchanged confused looks with each other, then threw suspicious glances at Eddie, who appeared struck by Cupid. The girls, much more intuitive and observant, smiled at the sweet scene.

She sat sideways across your legs, and kept a hand crooked into your flannel’s collar while you slipped the yellow bauble ponytail from one of her braids, and loosened the plaits. “Do you wanna roll for me?” you asked her, working through the tangles.

Thrilled to participate in her dad’s game, she woke up just enough to say, “Yeah!”

Max felt for your dice, and handed her the largest.

Instead of Adrie letting go of you to cup her hands around it and shake, she pelted it at the table, and after narrowly missing the LEGO skeleton standees, it came to a stop.

“Eight,” Lloyd said with a hint of regret.

You asked Eddie, “Is that enough to hit?”

“It, uh–” The table’s full attention turned towards the Dungeon Master. He dropped his gaze to his notebook, and traced his finger over the dog-eared page. The pressure of their anticipation manifested in his bouncing knee, masking the tremble that would be present in his words regardless when he answered, “Y-Yeah, yeah. That, uh, that hits.”

The party squirmed with awareness; pressed lips ready to burst.

Oblivious, you put the smaller dice in Adrie’s hand, and added up the numbers when she tossed them. “Eleven!” With your turn done, you unraveled the rest of her other braid, and combed your fingers through her hair, circling them on her scalp to give her some relief. Speaking to her, you said, “Wanna count to eleven while we pick another movie?” She started counting automatically.

There was another whisper in her ear, and she hopped off your lap with her arms raised. You cooed a small, “Thought so,” and picked her up, settling her on your hip. Knowing it was Jeff’s turn, and you wouldn’t be needed for a while, you pushed the bedroom door open with your foot, and closed it behind you the same way.

And the very second it clicked shut, the table erupted.

“Jesus, dude, you’re gonna impregnate your coworker if you keep staring at her like that.”

“Ew,” and “Gross,” came from Max and Erica respectively.

Eddie jolted from his trance, mentally erasing the sway of your ass from his mind. His cheeks seared vicious red at Gareth’s comment.

With more tact, Dustin lilted, “So, just a friend from work, huh?” His blue eyes sparkles with mischief, matching the upturn at the corner of his lips, foretelling no good from this interaction, either.

“A friend,” Jeff added, “that he has the biggest crush on.”

Gareth rolled his bottom lip inward, and cocked his head. “More like she’s his babysitter with benefits.”

Loathing the obvious sheen of sweat rushing to his face, Eddie warned him with a pointed finger. “Don’t call her that.” He swung to Dustin next. “And she is my friend, and my coworker,” he stated evenly, putting emphasis on the last word.

Being the voice of reason in these situations, but not entirely on his side, Lloyd told the younger members, “Around the time they started working together, he started coming to band practice not entirely in a bad mood. A few weeks ago, he was even smiling. Apparently they had this little Christmas party, and there was mistletoe–”

“Shut it!”

“You kissed her?” Lucas gasped.

Gareth was the one to knock the gossipy housewife wind from his sails. “No,” he scoffed with a laugh. “He was too much of a pussy.”

Several of the guys snickered, and one said, “So no benefits, then.”

Reining in his volume, Eddie warned them again in a low tone, “I’m well within my right to not want to make things weird between us if it doesn’t work out. I have to see her every day, regardless.” It was one of his oldest excuses in the book, and to be honest with himself, he dismissed it a long time ago. He no longer feared making things awkward, or tampering with your friendship.. but he wasn’t about to explain his real insecurities to so many people at once.

No one needed to know the true reason behind why he hadn’t asked you out yet.

No one had to know why he walked away when you spoke of ‘dating’ and ‘home.’

It was to protect himself, so no one had to look at him with pity when he explained he wasn’t a good enough reason for you to stay in Hawkins past the end of summer. Instead, he defaulted, “We’re just friends.”

Erica was gentle in her approach. “If we’re all just friends here, then why don’t we get matching bracelets made by your daughter?” On instinct, he tugged his sleeve over his wrist to conceal D-A-D-D-Y. “I saw hers when she was messing with Adrienne’s hair.” She saw M-O-U-S-E. “And if you’re just friends, why doesn’t Adrie ever want to be held by us? Or hugged by us? I honestly thought she didn’t like to be coddled by anyone besides you, but then that just happened..”

The questions sank in Eddie’s stomach. It cooled the frustration from his furrowed brow, and eased the tension from around his eyes. He didn’t have a satisfactory answer for the group, but he could share something close enough to the truth, it might better help them understand his hang ups. But first, he downed the rest of his double on the rocks.

Wincing after his swallow, he set down the glass, and ran the heel of palm along the edge of the table. “I’m taking things slow,” he said, “and you all know why. Okay?” Shrugging a bit, he lifted his eyebrows and spoke again to his binders, focusing on his campaign notes rather than his friends. “I only told her everything, y’know, about what happened to me a few weeks ago, so I’m still giving it some time. And, obviously, yeah it’s a big deal having a kid, and her getting attached to someone else.”

“Aw, he’s in love,” someone said.

Exuding patience by closing his eyes, he continued, “Right, so, if you wanna tell her some less embarrassing stories about me, maybe even make me look good in front of her.. I’d really appreciate it.” He ended with a beckoning clap, as if he were striking a deal with the blisters in his life.

“Or,” Mike asserted, “I can roll to hit this ghoul, and if it succeeds, you have to ask her out tonight.” Before Eddie could respond, Mike puffed a lucky breath into his cupped hands, and bounced the dice across the grid. “Thirteen!”

“Aw, sorry, man. Doesn’t hit.”

Vitriol bit into his snark, “Oh, really? Thirteen doesn’t hit, but eight does? Give me a break.” The more his face pinched into a sour expression at Eddie’s stubborn favoritism, the more wickedness laced itself in the Dungeon Master’s smug grin.

Gareth was contributing another goading remark about breaking strict rules if they benefited Eddie’s chances for getting good pussy, but the squeal of the door knob turning interrupted him.

It was noticeably quieter when you sat down at the table, beaming at the mixed signals of people avoiding your gaze, and meeting it with the type of excessive smile you gave a stranger after you were just talking about them behind their back. “So, whose turn is it?” Jeff raised his hand sheepishly. “Oh, you guys didn’t have to wait for–for me!” You hardly got through the sentence before you were giggling into your drink.

Fear not, Gareth broke the underlying tension. “Hey, did Eddie ever tell you he used to walk out on stage with a rose in his mouth, until” –he motioned at the corner of his lips with a grimace– “he cut himself on the thorns one too many times. Ow!”

Gareth clutched at his foot, and the men shot off rapid fire communication through sharp hand gestures, and widened eyes.

Jeff played the Jaws theme.

“Is that true?” you whispered to Lucas.

Lloyd shouted, “Can we get back to the game?”

Still red in the face, Eddie turned to him with his arms extended graciously. “Yes! Thank you! Let’s get back to the game.”

Adjusting his chair under himself, Eddie the Dungeon Master sat with the distinct grace of someone who went unopposed. Wispy curls of his hair caught the wind, drifting in frazzled layers wherever they pleased. The buttons and pins on his jean vest glittered, and tinked together. His lungs expanded with a long, held breath, stretching the black hoodie over his chest. When no one challenged his unceasing eye contact, he continued, “The ghouls were nigh..”

————

The night matured.

Dustin and Lloyd championed your party to an underground cave where the source of the undead were conjured. Eddie heralded your arrival by opening the box beneath his chair, screwing together something behind his barrier of DND lore, and bringing it to his mouth.

You shouldn’t be surprised by him, yet again, but the fact he played flute was just as adorable as his playful grin straining his plush lips to the metal, and his round doe-eyes flitting to yours, and away.

The notes he played grew increasingly haunting, turning intense during the battle with the necromancer who started this all. Then, as the foe turned to dust, Eddie trilled higher, and higher notes. Sillier, and sillier as Dustin looted the robes he left behind.

Everything about Eddie’s expression was impish when the group asked if the scroll found in the pocket was written in common tongue.

“Why, as a matter of fact it is,” he said, much too cheerful, and trilled an incensing measure.

He was being a menace, and the group began to sag with dread.

Dustin’s words were laced with suspicion and regret. “What does it say?”

“Let’s see! It says..” Eddie held up a prop coil of tea-stained parchment, and cleared his throat to don a brittle old man's voice, “I was a lonely necromancer who missed my wife, children, friends, and family. I was merely resurrecting them to have companionship, and you attacked me for nought. I hope you are happy with yourselves, and can sleep at night.” He abandoned the paper to incite violence in his quick succession of notes on the flute. “The dying crops are not my fault. The soil simply has too many minerals from the estuary near Irrilis, and the quarry to the north.” Peering at the blank sheet fallen to his notebook, he faked confusion, “And it says down here, in teeny-tiny writing, ‘You should have checked the bulletin board.’”

Dustin dropped his head into his hands. “You son of a bitch.”

The rest of the quests went smoother, you supposed. After returning to Irrilis and checking the bulletin board, the party’s findings led to the library, which led to a murder, which led to a mystery, which led to finding an object which had the group gasping in surprise. Apparently, the Crimson Order’s emblem on the second dead person’s body, and bite marks on the neck had a long history within the group. The next big campaign was vampire related. You celebrated along with them, cheersing the end of your whiskey, and chasing it with some much needed water.

~~~

Raw twilight bloomed behind heavy set clouds pulling flutters of white against the black.

The night winded down with more fetch quests sending the party deeper into the woods, and to the edge of the mountains. It would take several more sessions to cover the terrain beyond, or something like that. Something, something tales of a labyrinth or some sort before the vampire castle. Your memory was a little fuzzy. Going with the flow of music, whether it was the mellow strums of Lloyd’s guitar, the muffled notes of Jeff’s keyboard, Gareth’s battle march, or the dark piece Eddie played when he introduced an object of interest; your focus muddled with the jokes, the lore, the alcohol. The whiskey burned less, and the oaky honey thrived. You surrendered to the passage of time–interrupted, briefly, when the man sat opposite you answered every one of the boy’s questions with a riddle, and his rascally cackle at their irritation stole another piece of your heart. Falling deeper, and deeper. And deeper for him.

~~~

The early witching hours feasted on the weary adults who were no longer able to pull all-nighters. The game was over for now, and the group packed their things away.

Max asked you, “Did you have fun?”

“Yes!” you blurted. “I didn’t really know what I was getting into, but the atmosphere was so cool. Eddie really knows how to put on a show, huh? And hey, finding fragments of a dragon’s egg shell in a game called Dungeons and Dragons was pretty neat.”

Her laugh brought music to her affirmation, “Yeah, he’s a pretty good DM, and we’ve been hunting the dragons for two years now. Do you think you’ll play with us next month?”

“Totally!”

“Nice.”

Lucas dragged his hand down her arm, and placed the black and neon pink windbreaker in her awaiting palm. She zipped it over her cozy college sweatshirt. They were at the back of the congestion, shuffling around the living room, straying behind the chaos of stumbling adults doubling over to laugh at their clumsiness and inability to find their shoe’s match.

While waiting, you watched several of the guys clasp Eddie’s shoulder as they passed, and placed money in his hand. Oh. Shit. Your gaze snapped to the scattered stack of pizza boxes in the kitchen, and shame licked your cheeks. It never occurred to you to pay for your share.

Quickly, you found your puffer jacket under Mike’s raincoat, and wrangled some cash from the pockets. Your stride went wobbly between the table, chairs, couch, shoes, and bumbling grownups in the cramped trailer, but you squeezed your way to him. He was beginning his goodbyes smushed against the breakfast bar, not quite able to reach the front door just yet.

“Here,” you said, shoving a crumpled $20 at his arm.

Pausing his conversation with Jeff, he twisted to see you over the curve of his shoulder, and absorbed your apologetic face before noticing the money. His lips ticced at the corners. His nostrils flared with a soft snort. Amusement crinkled at the corner of his eyes. “Not from you,” he said. “Why don’t you go check on Adrie for me?”

“Oh.” A confused, maybe disappointed ‘oh.’ “If you’re sure.”

Fighting an internal battle, you stuffed the $20 in your jeans, and held true to your frown. You were about to argue, but your brain registered what he’d asked you to do. “Adrie!” you whispered excitedly, and made finger guns towards the bedroom.

You scurried (yes, scurried) off, and left Eddie to fend for himself.

Jeff was twisting his hand around his chin in mock rumination. “She doesn’t have to pay, hmm?”

“Not my place to comment,” Gareth said, about to make a comment, “but maybe you should think about cashing in those benefits.” He paused, drunkenness slowing him into a contemplative stare. “Or at least fu–”

“Anyway!” Erica saved the situation by pushing past all of them to wrench the door open. “Well.. that sucks.”

Icy flakes floated in pendulum swings to the ground, where they stuck.

Eddie stood on his tip-toes to study the severeness over his friend’s heads. The weather appeared to be in its mild beginnings, not yet falling in a considerable sheet from the sky, but still, he was a dad, and he was prone to worrying. The party hardly finished lacing up their shoes, and he was making them promise they’d call him as soon as they got home. They’d barely walked down the steps, and he was there at the bottom, holding his arm out. “Seriously, call me as soon as you get home,” he warned each household.

And it was only once the last car’s tail lights trailed red streaks over the main road, he went inside.

The trailer wept with emptiness. Remnants of being fulfilled remained–the trash, the lingering body heat, and stuffy air–but it sighed with loneliness. The trailer was pent up. In need of decompressing after the hours of putting on a show, and in a constant state of overthinking, entertaining his friends while fighting the itch deep in his chest that said ‘I wish none of these people were here except for you.’

The trailer longed for you, searching the couch, the card table, the kitchen where the bottle of whiskey was left behind. The trailer sought you in the corners of its belly, its lungs, its head, leaving the heart for last.

Eddie pushed open the bedroom door, and you were not in his daughter's bed. He lurched further into the room. Needy for the heart. And he found it. He found his home..

A pair of adult legs stuck out from the entrance to the blanket fort.

Judging by the angle of your feet and your knee tucked into the other, you were laying on your side. The powder pink bedsheet gathered in folds around your lower thighs. Strings of Christmas lights pressed against the shelter, and the TV flicked bright colors as it played a movie on a low volume.

Daring, his fingertips encountered the coarse weave of your jeans on his way to lift the bedsheet keeping your sleeping form separated from his greedy gaze. Stealing moments where he could be learning your face, placed a precious snore away from his daughter’s, sharing the pillow with her curls and unicorn hugged to her chin. Inhaling silently, and exhaling in a quick breath, not yet catching the sound in your throat akin to a mumbly whine at the dream playing under your twitching eyelids.

The sheet draped the back of his neck.

Risking, he traced the rugged outer seam of your jeans. Starting at your printed socks, and traveling up your calf, over the rigid mountain peaks of stiff fabric creased around your knee, and discovering the squish of your leg under his prodding. His eyes were trained on your face. He slipped his palm over your upper thigh. A gentle warmth of his presence. Next, he cupped the curve of your knee, fitting it into his hand, and he continued his stroke downwards, tightening his fingers to your shin, and stopping to squeeze your ankle. You didn’t stir.

He shifted closer, widening his stand and ducking under the canopy to reach your face.

Leaning over you, he anchored his balance to your hip, relaxing his hold on the arch of bone shaped like a strung bow, and dragged his other knuckles along your cheek. Three fingers worth. Three opportunities for him to press his skin to your hairline, and brush them along the flat plane before the adorable round apples he knew to be relaxed under the surface while you dozed.

You were soft. So unexpectedly soft.

Courageous, smooth peach fuzz welcomed a fourth knuckle. A simple sweep of the back of his hand to your face. Feeling you. All of you. Insatiable.

His breathing grew heavier at the hunger.

Stomach clenching from the craving of more.

Heart, starved.

It was animalistic, but you weren’t afraid. No, you weren’t afraid when you twitched and slapped at your cheek, expecting a fly to be tickling you in your sleep, but as you awoke, you prodded at the confusing obstruction, and glided your fingers along the underside of his. Plump ridges punctuated by hard calluses with scratchy outlines. You recognized them by touch alone, and fought through the pain of your bloodshot eyes to peer up at the man looming above you, and yawned.

“No boys allowed,” you whispered through the groggy haze.

Oh, he nearly let his tipsy tongue admit too much to your dopey grin.

Eddie could tell he was smiling hard enough his vision suffered from his encroaching cheeks. His eyes were inundated by his happiness, nearly closed to slits from how hard he beamed when he slid from gaze from you, to his daughter who enacted the ‘No Boys’ rule, and to you again. “C’mon, sweetheart,” he said, withdrawing.

He helped you stand. With difficulty. The whiskey hurled you into a premature REM cycle, and without consideration, he roused you from its depths. In your drowsy state, you clung to him for stability, depending on his chest to support you. Not that he was complaining. He was reliable, compensating for your swaying by grasping your upper arms, and teasing you with a, “Whoa there, silly.”

Stood outside the closed bedroom, there was not a chance for gaps to stop your lower inhibitions. Alone, you were together. In the same hallway where there was a thrifted painting of a lake scene hung beside the bathroom, a shelf with a set of wooden ducks amongst the ceramic knick knacks, a doorway where he ate his oatmeal while watching you and Adrie play. Those points of interest were all there; you were familiar with them, even if you struggled to open your eyes.

You fawned over him, snickering at nothing until your features tensed into confusion, not understanding the bits of ice clinging to the fibers of his hoodie, scraping at them with your fingernail. You collapsed into him more, leaning your forearms on his steady frame, rising and falling, accepting the lullaby of his pleased hum. The very outline of your torso discovered his, giving him a taste of your warmth; comforting you both with the actuality of such a thing. You skimmed your fingers up to his hair, picking at the sloshy liquid burdening the ends of his curls. “Why’re you wet?” you mumbled.

“It’s snowing,” he repeated from earlier, when the rush of standing whooshed in your ears, rendering him an otherworldly voice from beyond. “It’s not bad, but like hell I’m about to let you bike home in it. If you wanna give me some time to eat and have a cup of coffee, I can sober up and drive you, sweet girl,” he finished like hot honey.

You circled your palms over his pecs with the lack of awareness a blissfully buzzed person would for the lone reason of wanting to experience the texture of his hoodie burn your skin from the friction. “But wouldn’t you have to wake Adrie up to bring her with us?”

“I would, but she’ll be fine. She’ll probably fall asleep in the car.”

“No, no, no,” you shushed him, losing your merry smile for the first time in hours. “Robin’s working very, very, very late tonight. She’ll probably be off her shift soon. She can pick me up. And my bike can fit in her trunk, unlike your tiny car.” Many of your words mushed together from your drowsy, drowsy, drowsy imploring.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah! I’ll call her, and hey, we can clean up while she’s on her way.” When his expression was less than enthused at the suggestion, you waggled your eyebrows, and bit your bottom lip, enticing him. “We can make it fun,” you tried. “You know, we’ll play music, drink some more, eat whatever pizza’s left.” You walked your fingers up his shoulders, and he smoothed his hands around your wrists, flattening your palms to his clavicle.

Eddie lowered his head until he managed to peer at you through his lashes, asking a condescending, but lighthearted question, “That’s what you wanna do? Help me clean?”

You reaffirmed, “It’ll be fun.”

“Fine by me, sweetheart. Go call Buckley.”

The plans were put on pause while you called the back office of the grocery store, but after a short conversation, and many twirls of the cord around your finger, your voice lightened with relief, “Thank you so, so much. I love you.”

You hung up, and spun around to tell Eddie the fabulous news.

The two glass tumblers on the kitchen counter were assuming. Filled with ice cubes from the blue plastic tray in the sink, and situated in front of the opened whiskey. There was a decent amount left–a fourth of the entire bottle, probably–and he didn’t need to hear you repeat Robin’s message about her getting off work soon to unscrew the cap and begin pouring.

No distinct emotion crossed his face when divided an even shot into each of the smokey gray glasses, and paused the bottle above yours to ask, “So, what kind of drunk are you?”

The ice cracked and popped as it melted.

“Giggly, touchy,” you supposed.

He tipped the bottle and added another healthy shot to yours. You raised your eyebrows at his boldness, and scoffed out the same question, “What kind of drunk are you?”

“Hm.” He propped his hand on the counter, and cocked his hip out, staring out into the living room. You studied his side profile from where you stayed by the telephone, most notably how his light wash jeans gathered around the bulk of his zipper again; hoodie tucked behind the handcuff belt buckle. The weathered silver metal glinted an edge of orange from the lamp beside the microwave, shifting as he rocked his weight to his other foot. “Stupid, I think,” he said finally. “I make stupid decisions, ‘nd shit.”

“Are you trying to make stupid decisions tonight?”

His features kicked up, and instead of giving you a verbal answer, he brought the bottle up and dropped his head back.

“Eddie!” you gawked.

Your mouth hung open in awe, stunned into silently watching the bubbles race to the top of the amber liquid chugging ever closer to the neck of the bottle being strangled in his white-knuckled grip. His eyes were screwed shut, body tensed and struggling to finish it off, lips pursed in a kiss around the opening. Each gulp sent his Adam’s apple jumping.

He threw his head forward. The bottle slammed on the counter, final sips of liquid sloshing in waves along the bottom. He caught the dribble falling from his chin with his sleeve, and wiped the back of his hand over his mouth. All of him shuddered. Teeth bared as he grimaced through the burn, eyebrows furrowed in mild regret.

After the last jerk of shoulders battling the aftershocks of disgust, you mimicked his parental exasperation, “What in the world are you doing?”

Making a stupid decision.

A tight line of water flooded his eyes. He ran his fingers over his shy smile, turning to look at you with a particular brand of sheepishness usually reserved for teenagers who were trying to impress their friends. “I only had two drinks the entire night. I’m just catching up to you.”

“You’re an idiot.”

He agreed.

“Bobbie’s still gonna be a while,” you said on your way to grabbing your drink, now wondering if you were going to be the more sober one in half an hour. “Shall we get to cleaning?”

He lifted his tumbler by picking it up by the rim and clinked it to yours, but refrained from taking a sip when you did. Thankfully. “Wayne’s got some jazz records in the crate next to the record player, where the TV is.. Well, where the TV was. On that cabinet beside his bed.. If you’d just.. Look over there.. Okay, why are you staring at me?”

Memorizing the freckle of the side of his nose to your heart’s content, you shrugged. “You blush a lot.”

“Do not,” he denied in a mutter. He felt his cheek, poking and prodding and smashing at the skin being tugged down by his pouty frown. “It’s just the alcohol.”

“Ah.”

You sipped, swallowed, and snickered on your way to the record player cabinet, weaving through the staggered chairs untucked from the table. You laughed again. Just the alcohol, he said. Yet, he’d been flushed red all night. Or, at least, since he bragged about his seven inches.

~~~

The soundtrack for cleaning was a 25th Anniversary edition of a label’s best live performances over the years.

Various artists scored the yucky business of folding and stacking the chairs against a spare wall, trying not to envision a spider popping out at any moment from where it may be laying in wait under the seats. A fun upbeat tambourine number played when Eddie knocked over Wayne’s beard trimmer in the bathroom. Wondrous vocals warbled against your game of wadding up the used napkins and tossing them at the trashcan, while Eddie flung the paper plates like frisbees until both of you tired, and threw them away as normal. Brass horns vibrated under your hands and knees as you crawled around on the floor, finding all the crushed beer cans. Lazy drum beats coaxed both of your languid movements into the sort of drunken erraticism that came from being buzzed, gesturing without much consideration for sharp corners, or breakable things. He packed away his miniatures while you wiped down the counters, and he washed the dishes while you attempted to sweep up crumbs from the grid table cloth and fold it into a neat-ish square.

The record stopped.

A break ensued. You drank the rest of your whiskey, and Eddie searched every pizza box, divvying out the last slices for you to share over wordless respite, heads drooping, chewing slowly.

After washing the greasy cornmeal from his hands, and wiping the flour from around his mouth, he suggested, “Why don’t you put on the yellow record? Third from the end, on the left.”

You found the one he spoke of–golden yellow–and put the needle to it.

Together, you hauled out the dense vintage couch the few inches it required; done in dozens of centimeters, yanking on the ugly upholstery until your fingernails ached, and arms gave up. Eddie was rushing you, annoyingly so. Hurrying on in anguish, the table was flipped on its side, and its legs folded in. It was stuffed against the wall after some difficulty (the mugs remained intact), and after shoving the hulking piece of furniture to close the gap, you fell to the lumpy cushions with an exhausted groan.

You went boneless. Arms and legs landing wherever. Head lulling to the side. Eyes closed. Relaxed. Drifting off to the place where you were in the blanket fort at an alarming rate..

The song switched.

“May I have this dance?”

You opened your eyes.

Eddie’s hand came into focus. He was bent at the waist, extending an invitation. Reciprocating. Making true on his promise for the dance he owed you. It seemed so long ago; back when you knew him as a single dad who was private about his personal life. Now you knew. You knew his home, his past, his trauma, his notebook, his friends, his band, his daughter’s favorite stuffed toy named Fluff. You knew his pizza order (cheese with black olives), his favorite color (deep, sultry red), his laundry detergent (Cheer Free for extra sensitive skin). You knew his body temperature ran like a furnace, you knew the knot of pink scar tissue on the meat of his thumb, you knew the shimmery flecks of butterscotch in his eyes when he went teary. In the span of a few days, you knew him better than you did weeks ago, before Christmas.

You took his hand. He helped you stand, and in a brave exhale, he held you in timeless elegance.

It wasn’t like the dance before, where you minded the respectable distance two coworkers should. No. He still clasped your right hand in his left, sure, but from there the similarities to waltzing in the garage differed. Reservation did not stop at the top of his neck, or his bicep–you switched your friendly clasp from those safe areas, to introducing your torsos, and pinning his arm under yours in effort to reach the middle of his back. He enveloped your waist, coaxing your hips together with woozy enthusiasm. Close, close, close. Handcuff belt buckle catching on your jean’s zipper at each pass until you began to sway in aching unison to Frank Sinatra’s Somethin’ Stupid.

You empathized with the heady flush pinkening the bulbous tip of his nose, and gazed into his eyes. Or tried. His eyelids fell in sluggish blinks, and his envious lashes refused to part. The sway was a shuffle. Your head was swimming. Failing to focus on one particular thing before your vision went cross, and the room spun, despite standing almost still.

It didn’t take long for either of you to surrender.

Rocking side to side–no turning, no pivoting–you accepted the innate desire to rest your head on his chest, and even from a distance, his pulse beat against your ear. Hard pumps of lifeblood under your cheek laid flat on the faded black hoodie. If you looked the other way, you’d see the jean vest reeking of cigarette smoke thrown on the couch where he discarded it before asking you to dance, but you chose to admire your joined hands. Preferring to learn the dry skin where a scrape was healing on his thumb knuckle–how small your thumb was in comparison to the single stretch of bone until the next joint, and his blunt nail. Maybe he was admiring such a thing too, because he stretched his fingers and curled them snugger to yours, and he set his chin atop your head, learning another new intimacy.

You melted under the burden of his weight.

He exposed the issue of your hair catching on the stubble of his five o’clock shadow.

You craned your head against the grain, and he nuzzled his chin harder.

Two people discovering their deprived yearns.

The sweetness of being crooked into the hollow of his body. The possession of snagging a full grip of his hoodie between your fingers, and becoming the reason he filled his lungs. Existing around him. And he existed in you, in all the unexplored corners, and you dusted the cobwebs from his. Fulfilling the dark places. Giving them light, and acceptance. Sharing the slice of night before it turned day. Swaying, rocking, swimming together in an inebriated dance under a tin roof, under the sprinkling snow, under the opaque clouds, under the crescent moon, under the twinkling stars. Under the universes, and hypothetical alternate dimensions and timelines, and as attractive as they seemed, you wouldn’t choose a different one. This is the one. This is the exact dimension, the exact timeline you wanted.

No longer wishing to lead, Eddie closed your fingers into a soft fist, and placed your hand over his heart, cupping his palm over it and stressing the thousands of unspoken words in his squeeze.

Basking in the minutes stretching to hours, the music looped into a perfect eternity.

It was getting late, almost time to leave, you guessed.

You withdrew your head. Eddie lifted his. The spot his chin once resided on your scalp ran abnormally cold from the loss, and there must’ve been an imprint of wrinkled fabric on your cheek, because that’s where his eyes landed first on their journey to meet your resilient gaze.

The beginnings of his lopsided grin emerged.

He spoke, and it was a single word. “Yeah.”

You didn’t know why he said it, or what he meant, but in this moment, in his arms, with your hand nestled between his and his heart, you agreed, “Yeah.” This was special. Whatever this was, this was special.

A huff of laughter broke through your smile, and his. Giggly silliness.

You were embraced from the top of your thighs, through to the slight proposal of your hips, and ending at the acute strength of your arms pressing each other closer.

Eddie raised your hand from his heart to his face. His thumb ensured your fingers stayed curled in, barring you from investing in a full, unadulterated touch. Wisps of his hair traced your skin. His exhale snaked down your flannel sleeve. Your inner wrist stopped at the slick junction of his lips, where he had swiped his tongue over out of nervous habit.

Oddly, he tapped your hand a few times to his cheek.

It made you curious. You copied him, bringing his hand to your face. Hooked your thumb under his sleeve to expose his wrist, and tapped it to your cheek. Ah, you understood.

Such delicate, unscarred skin brushed against the ridges of your lips, each tap like a kiss along the edge of your lovesick simper. Closer to a kiss than anything you’d experienced with him before. Still so tender, and so pure.

“Yeah?” A raw tremble was present in your question; gone shy from the profoundness of the single word, and fearing you were attributing the wrong meaning behind something so little, yet so large in your relationship.

But he saw the doubt, and he reassured you, “Yeah.” By the wetness glossing over his eyes, he reassured you your assumptions weren’t wrong. He whispered it again, softer, to where the one syllable croaked out, “Yeah.”

This was special.

The alcohol sat like candor on your tongue. “Wanna know a secret?” you teased as you let go of his wrist, and guided your hands up to his nape, linking your fingers over the bulky hood prohibiting you from playing with the sensitive hairs on the back of his neck. He slung his arm around your waist, over top of the other, encompassing you in a true hug.

He squinted at you. “How drunk are you? Don’t go tellin’ me somethin’ you’ll regret in the morning.”

“It’s nothing like that, I swear.” There was a flirty whine to your pitch, and even flirtier breathiness to your voice. Encouraging him to maintain the sway, leading him side to side, foot to foot, taking advantage of flow to put an arch in your back, and rise onto the balls of your feet, undetected. Your heart skipped at the proximity. “You know how I said my top three favorite people were Robin, Adrie, and then you?” you reminded him. “That’s actually backwards.. I said it backwards. It’s actually you, Adrie, and then Robin. But don’t tell her that.”

His mouth hung open to respond, but his gaze was off, discerning something behind you in the distance. When he centered on you again, there was a new kindness to the wrinkles framing his handsome face. “Are you okay with sharing my number one spot?”

“I would be honored.”

“Good,” he emphasized, “I’d be heartbroken if you didn’t want to be my favorite.”

“I always want to be your favorite,” you preened.

The innocence slipped from his expression. He’d never heard you sound quite so needy, or eager to be something of his, and the effects were sudden and poorly timed.

Outside, rocks skidded on the cracked pavement. A car turning in from the main road sunk into a pothole, and bounced out. The music spinning on the record player crescendoed. The fluorescent bulbs in the lamps hummed with electricity. Scents of acidic tomato sauce and oregano were inescapable. Tiny pellets of hail pinged on the tin roof. You both looked up, listening to it pass after a drifty-cloud moment.

Eddie concentrated on keeping your chests together. His forearms dug into your waist as he found the best way to lock his grip. He dipped his head lower when you had no choice but to lean up, and into him. “If I give you my number, will you call me when you get home, so I know you made it safe?”

Every consonant and vowel vibrated in your skull, thrumming velvety richness through the daze.

“I already have your number,” you said amongst the warmth building, and building behind your rib cage.

He faltered, confused. “You have my number?”

“Mhm, an even bigger birdie told me.”

Both bewildered by the callback, and having a tendency to fall head over heels for anything and everything you did, regardless if it was an unsatisfying answer or not, Eddie snorted, and scrunched his face, observing you with all the judgment you earned. “That’s either really creepy, or really endearing.”

You dropped your gaze to his crooked smile, and the car approaching the blue and white trailer faded away.

His lips were gorgeous. Overly full, and a wonderful shade of fleshy red with a tint of pink. They were bitten. Chewed on when his nerves got the best of him. Behind them, the edges of his teeth showed. Above them, you put your energy into obsessing over his overly large nose, as you had in many instances, but never at this distance, able to see every pore, every freckle, every splotch, and realizing this could become a normal occurrence, being this close.

His eyes were overly large as well, and they followed each micro-tic of yours.

“Good thing you find me endearing, then,” you provoked.

He loved that response.

“I do,” he chased. “I do,” he gave in. The willpower to resist his urges crumbled at the admission. He pressed his forehead to yours, and conceded until his mouth ached with happiness, “I find you so endearing.”

The alcohol dulled the intimate gesture. The top layers of your skin were numb. You had to work harder to feed the starvation; grinding your forehead against his, digging deeper to feel the itch of his bangs stuck to the glisten of boozy sweat. Sliding your nose alongside his, smashing the tips to each other’s cheeks. Sharing the same breaths, panting feathery sighs into each other’s mouths. Then, another carnal bump of noses, clumsy and misaligned, and a hard rut bone on bone until your bodies tingled with satisfaction. Satiated. Full.

Eddie turned his groan into a ragged, “I fucking adore you.”

“I adore you, too,” you promised, on the verge of crying and not knowing why.

He pulled away, dragging the tip of his nose up the side of yours, and tracing it down, allowing them to stay connected for a moment longer. A cooldown while your stomach flipped, and your pulse raced. I adore you.

The whole thing was strange to do with your coworker, especially with your hands remaining latched where they were, and there was no grinding elsewhere; it was just sheer lust for touch. Mutual, too.

His overly large pupils bored into yours. Neither of you had appropriate commentary on what transpired, probably for the better.

A car engine rumbled outside.

“Yeah, I’m pretty toasted, I think,” you said.

He pinched his eyebrows in, and pursed his lips. “Think I am, too.”

Either way, it was a good excuse for you almost moaning his name, and him choosing to hinge his phrase on adore, as if the endearment couldn’t be swapped out, and suddenly, the entire sentiment would have changed. It would be a confession.

There was a knock on the door, and Robin’s voice came muffled, but the urgency of being stuck out in the cold was conveyed.

Both of you hastened separating yourselves, and fumbled around each other.

Always, Eddie was a gentleman and helped you put on your jacket after you argued he was way more plastered than you were, despite you being the one doubled over with your hands on your knees, wobbling, disoriented after reaching down for it. He made sure you were dressed before going outside. Zipped you all the way to your chin, even when you complained it looked dorky. He lined your shoes up for you, and waited for you with his eyes closed, drifting off to a dream while standing up.

He handed you off to Robin, and loaded her trunk with your bike. For whatever reason, you didn’t climb inside the car yet. You waited in the snow for him. Collecting glittery flakes on your eyelashes, inhaling the fresh, crisp air. Probably quelling the nausea, same as he was, taking gulps of oxygen while he blinked, and blinked, searching the swirling images for something his brain could comprehend to get it to stop.

You waited for him, never saying anything. In heavy steps, he came to you, and wedged his fingers under the door handle, popping open the latch with an expression of wryness, as if you expected him to open every door for you.

Which, he would, for the record.

Stopping you before you sat, he grabbed at your jacket and bent himself to you, no longer afraid to press the cold tip of his nose to the shell of your ear, and drag his lips over the peach fuzz as he spoke directly to you. “Call me,” he stressed against your shiver.

“I will.”

At that, he shut your door and Robin began backing out of his driveway, stunting his wave goodbye from the headlights blinding him. He moved to the stairs, then to the top of the landing to watch the car drive around the soft bend around the trailers, and out onto the highway, leaving him behind.

He entered the trailer, and it was full.

It felt full, anyway. In his stomach, his chest, behind his eyelids, in the dusty corners, in the mortal hollows, manifesting a tightness in his throat, and a contradictory heaviness to his weightlessness, floating on clouds after spending an entire day with his crush and ending it with I adore you.

Eddie brushed his hair back, neatening the tangles wetted by ice. He combed his bangs off his forehead, and drove his fingers against his scalp, leaving his hands on top of his head, stripping himself of the extra stimulation to hone in on the persistent throb between his brows where you staked your claim.

You had made your home there, and he couldn’t wait for your return.

“Jesus Christ.”

With his woolgathering out of the way, he went to where Adrie was half-asleep in the doorway to her bedroom, and he crouched onto his knees. “Were you watching us dance?”

Wrapped in a blanket and sitting slumped over, she nodded against the wood frame, and sucked in the drool threatening to spill over her bottom lip. Only having the energy to open her eyes a smidge, she still found it within herself to have gripes with him. “You didn’t let me say bye.”

“I’m sorry,” he pouted in a silly deep voice.

Stooping further, he worked his arm under her legs, and collected the sleepy bundle that was his daughter to his chest. He shuffled along on his knees over to the fort, and man, did he understand why you fell asleep so easily in the blanket nest. Just the accidental touches when he set Adrie down called to him, as did the bleating sheep hopping over fences in his head. It was enticing.. but the phone was ringing, and the first check in of the night as calling.

He knew it wasn’t you, but his heart leapt all the same.

“Sorry the phone might ring a lot,” he said. “Do you want another movie on? I’ll put another move on so it doesn’t wake you, okay?”

She scrunched her nose in a bad way, not like he did when he was laughing. Probably from the alcohol on his breath, and his waning coherency.

He stowed away his kisses for now. “Sorry you didn’t get to say goodbye, but I promise you, I promise you, okay? Miss Mouse will be back soon.” That was the heaviness in his chest. The decision. “I’ll invite her over, and we can all play together, okay?”

“Okay, Daddy,” she mumbled, loosening her grasp on his hair.

She was out, and he paced the kitchen while he chatted to stay awake.

————

Eddie sat at the small green table with his head resting back against the peeling wallpaper. A single light above the wrap-around counter skimmed the belly of the trailer. It traced the bubbles slipping down the bottle in front of him, and glanced the top of his pillow on the couch, submitting to the darkness past his plaid blanket waiting for him. The phone cord draped over his shoulder, down to his chest. The last call was half an hour ago. Maybe? He knew his last swig of whiskey was seconds ago. Everyone had checked in, and his ability to show an ounce of self-control was forfeited to the sheep. In his final blink, his body went lax, and he passed out.

Though, he could always count on the clangy ring to cut through their bleats.

Jolting awake, he searched above him for the phone, knocking it off the hook before it disturbed Adrie.

He was disoriented.

“Hello?”

Quiet as a mouse, a voice came, “Hey.”

He sat up. Alertness spread through him in waves, rippling from the decision sitting hot on his tongue, and stirring deeper, lower. Your greeting was filtered by the tiny microphone caged in yellowed plastic, but the dozy, sweltering rasp was there. “Hey, sweetheart,” he answered in kind, and inhaled deeply before the blood loss in his brain rendered him lightheaded.

One word in and he was wiping his palm on his jeans, and keeping it there, on his thigh.

“Sorry it took me so long,” you apologized in a whisper. “I wanted to wait until everyone went to sleep. I’m in the living room. In the dark.” You giggled as if it were a joke he should be in on.

He peeked behind him to make sure the bedroom door was shut, and wrenched the phone against his lips to stifle his own laughter. “Yeah? I’m sitting in the dark, too.”

You hummed.

He didn’t know if you were making a pass at him by mentioning you were alone as he was, so he chose something innocuous to comment on, bouncing the ball in your court. “You sound tired, baby. You should go to bed.”

“But my bed’s cold,” you whined.

Bingo.

Risks were worth taking as long as you participated.

In a matter of quick exchanges, he had his palm between his thighs, running his fingernails down the coarse fabric of his jeans and cupping the heft. “My bed’s cold too,” he matched your pitch, exploring his thumb upwards.

“If you were here, mine wouldn’t have to be..”

“But you live in someone else’s parent’s attic,” he teased.

“And your bed’s a couch,” you shot back.

He checked the closed door behind him one more time, and yielded, “You’re right.” You liked being right. He liked it when you were right. Your grin tinted all your pretty words when you were right. Well, they would, if you were speaking. “Babe?”

“Sorry, that was quick,” you said, struggling through a yawn after nodding off. “I’m laying on the recliner, and it’s really comfy.”

“Then go to sleep,” he implored in a chastising snicker.

You grunted.

Except, it didn’t sound like the other grunts and groans he’d heard you make over the months. This one was sweeter, higher, similar to the airy catch in your throat when your bottom lip dragged on his stubble. A moan of his name, he hoped. He twitched against the warmth of his palm. Growing rapidly under the first strokes of his thumb encouraging his descent, half-hard just at the thought.

How much whiskey he had was of no concern when it came to you. Clearly.

He couldn’t stop his appetite from lowering his voice, “Whatcha doin’, sweet girl?”

You turned it back on him, “What are you doing?” And when he was busy rearranging how he sat to give his jeans some slack to wrap his thick fingers around himself, you mused with an evident smirk, “Touching your orc dagger?”

Goddamnit. “If you ever bring that up again, I swear..”

“You must be, with how you’re avoiding the question.” You muffled your giggle–probably with your shirt collar, if he had to guess. Teasing him more, you slurred, “S’okay. I saw how hard you were staring at my shirt earlier. Just thought you’d like to know I’m not wearing it anymore. Not wearing a bra either.”

You’re right. He did like knowing that. So much, in fact, he smoothed his fingers in a long tug along his length, stroking twice over the sensitive head, and repeating.

“Not wearing anything?” he asked, sounding a bit more husky than he intended.

“Just the flannel. Gotta be a little dressed.. in case someone comes in.” You shifted in the middle of your sentence, and at first Eddie pictured you turning onto your back. Imagining your tits shifting against the flannel, and their subtle bounce as you got comfortable. How hard your nipples pressed to the fabric, and what they must feel like being licked and sucked into his mouth, and all the beautiful noises you’d make for him. Unfortunately..

“Touchin’ yourself for me, sweetheart?” Nothing.. “Sweetheart?” Oh.. “You fall asleep again?”

An actual grunt, maybe a hiccup, or a snore created static on the other end of the line. “I’m sorry,” you sincerely apologized.

Poor sweet thing. “Tell you what,” he reasoned. “Why don’t you go to bed, and think about how nice it’d be for me to be there with you; how warm I am. And I’ll take a shower, and do the same.”

You asked, “You mean you’re gonna think about me while in the shower?”

He squeezed himself. “Yes,” he answered truthfully. There was no fucking way either of you’d remember this by Monday morning. It was kinda thrilling; obeying the allure, and teasing each other without consequence.

“Nice.”

“Mhmm.”

Eddie closed his eyes in the following silence. The fantasy drifted to something tender. Sharing a bed. Waking up next to you. The alcohol made it difficult to remember why you called, and fathom why he was holding a conversation. His own hand went slack around the part his heart pumped blood to. The urge passed. The desire to brush his teeth replaced the lust. He was drunk, and he was losing the battle to remain conscious.

His body slouched ever forward.

“Eddie?”

“Hmm?”

“I can’t stay awake.”

“Neither can I..” Not that it mattered, but before the conversation ended and he summoned the strength to collapse on the couch instead of the green table for the sole reason of never wanting his daughter to discover him passed out in the kitchen from drinking too much, he heeded the heaviness in his chest. The decision. And he told you, “By the way, I thought of what to do for that ‘thank you’ I owe you. It’s time I pay you back for everything you’ve done for me.”

Processing his words at a slower rate, a few moments ticked by before the intrigue ate at you. “And what’s that, handsome?”

He smiled. “It’s a surprise.”

You snorted. “It’ll be a surprise if either of us remember anything after I failed nine rolls in a row, and you chugged.. Fuck, however much whiskey you’ve had. I don’t even wanna know.”

In a night of stupid decisions, he committed to one more; the joke was too good to not tumble past his loose lips, “Not enough to stop my orc dagger from growing seven inches.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, that was awful. I’m never calling you again. Goodbye.”

The speed at which you hung up sent him doubled over, clutching his aching stomach. He tried to keep quiet, really. He held onto his dignity just long enough to take three attempts to hang up the phone, and then it hit him with reckless abandon. He slapped his hand over his gaping mouth, and shook until the breathless gasps came out in squeaks, ugly laughing at his own stupid joke. He rocked back and forth, almost hitting his forehead on the table, and only caught his breath when tears brimmed his lashes, and he remembered his forehead was sacred, and he should stop. If he hit it, it’d be like an earthquake to your home. Except, that imagery also made him giggle, and he was at it again. Biting his tongue to subdue his outbursts while he stretched out on the couch cushions which rubbed his skin raw everytime he changed position. Finally, he was at peace. He tried to forget about the impending hangover he was going to have to explain to Wayne, and instead, he thought about you, and let his daydream take him to a fantasy where he could wake up next to you. And if he went through with his decision, maybe it could become a reality.

No. Not if. He would. He would go through with it. Probably. If you asked about it, he would, definitely. If you didn’t, he’d.. he’d still do it. He couldn’t keep living like this.

However, for both your sakes, he hoped neither of you remembered this night come Monday morning.

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson #stranger things #eddie x reader #eddie munson smut #mechanic!eddie #eddie munson fanfic #stranger things fanfic #the yes policy

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fortheloveofwonderland · 1 year ago

Text

Summer Heat | S.R

Summary - By orders or the director, the BAU must undertake a team building hike in the woods. You and Spencer have never gotten along and not even the summer heat seems to be able thaw the ice that exists between you. But then you get yourselves lost and while waiting for rescue, you have to find a way to pass the time…

A/N - set somewhere in the realms of s15. This is my second entry for @imagining-in-the-margins Summer Sunshine Challenge.

Pairing - Spencer Reid / BAU Fem! Reader

Warnings - enemies to lovers, Spencer’s awkward info dumping about hiking related deaths, swearing, public urination, talks of bladder control techniques, treating wounds, Spencer is touch starved, mentions of prison and Cat Adams and Max, Spencer and reader are oblivious idiots, make outs, handjob, fingering, public sexual acts, interruptions.

WC - 8.9k

The potency of the early afternoon Virginia sun infiltrating the towering thicket of loblolly pines caressed your skin, peppering its honeyed kisses across your flesh.

The warm earthy scents combined with the aromas of moss and the sharp, almost sweet notes of the pine trees engulfed you in a blanket of mother earth's creation.

You hummed to yourself as you trekked up a grassy incline barely registering the weight of your oversized pack on your back. You were no stranger to hiking or the heat and you were barely phased by it.

Unlike some people.

Doctor Spencer Reid was equipped for neither physical activity or the weather, despite the fact he grew up in desert climates. You could hear him huffing and puffing behind you as he struggled up even the smallest of hills.

You reached the brow and turned back to him with your hands on your hips. His face was flushed red from a combination of the sun and exertion. His hair stuck to his sweaty brow and his chest heaved with his breaths.

When he reached you, he doubled over, hands on his knees and he fought to catch his breath. You rolled your eyes and waited somewhat impatiently for him to stand again.

“Are you really this out of shape?” You scoffed.

He glanced up through a curtain of hair, puffing uneven breaths out between parted lips.

“Clearly.” He bit back.

It wasn’t a secret that the two of you didn’t exactly see eye to eye. You’d been with the team for almost a year now, but you and Spencer had never been close.

You’d gotten off on the wrong foot on your very first case. He’d spent almost all day on the phone to someone talking about his mother and you’d made a flippant comment about him being a mama's boy.

This led Spencer to launch into a rant about how his mother suffered from schizophrenia and altzeimers and how he was talking to her doctor because she was struggling to adjust to the new home he’d put her in DC.

He didn’t stop there. He continued to inform that she had been moved to DC because she wasn’t responding well to medication or her living facility in Vegas. He detailed how he’d moved her to the east coast and then gotten arrested in Mexico whilst trying to procure some experimental medicine.

He was seething by the time he told you that the same woman who’d gotten him arrested then had his mother kidnapped and almost killed.

He wasn’t as standoffish towards you as he used to be, his iciness thawing somewhat over time. But you were never going to be his favourite person. And as a result, he wasn’t yours either.

He forced himself to stand up straight, grabbing his canteen from where it was hanging from the strap of his backpack and taking a hefty sip before wiping the back of his hand over his mouth.

“It’s just a little hike. It’s not like you’re running a marathon or anything.” You clucked. “Can we continue now?”

“Just a little hike?” He groaned but started walking nonetheless. “It’s ten miles! And I have to do it with you.”

“Oh you poor, unfortunate soul.” You rolled your eyes as you fell in step with him.

The hike had been an idea which was floated down from the director. A team building exercise it had been dubbed. Although it wasn’t strictly mandatory it would look bad on those who didn’t participate.

So the BAU was spending a rare weekend off on a ten mile hike through the Shenandoah National Park followed by spending the night camping at the valley’s campground.

The Shenandoah National Park was more than five hundred miles of hiking trails extending along the Blue Ridge Mountains which included a section of long distance Appalachian Trail.

As someone who relished in the outdoors you’d always wanted the chance to visit Shenandoah but had never had the opportunity. And if you were paired up with anyone other than Spencer you might have been able to enjoy yourself.

Garcia had everyone draw straws in order to team up for the hike before you would all meet up later at the campground. You’d quite literally drawn the short straw with Spencer whilst Penelope was paired with Matt, Luke with JJ whilst Tara, Emily and Rossi made a group of three.

Spencer was the least athletic of the BAU members, the least outdoorsy, and so far had not stopped complaining.

You regarded your GPS as you walked to ensure you were headed in the right direction and the two of you fell back into silence.

Spencer breathed heavily even when the trail was flat, groaning a little every time you came to another incline.

You watched him out of the corner of your eye. It was a strange sight to behold, an academic who was far more comfortable indoors trekking through the woods like this. But what was even weirder was his outfit.

You’d never seen Spencer out of a shirt and slacks but he’d tried to at least look the part of a hiker today. He wore a thin black t-shirt and a pair of cargo shorts which showed off his surprisingly toned legs. You didn’t even think he would own such an item of clothing.

He’d tried to look the part, probably only taking into account the heat and not the fact that he was leaving his legs exposed to bug bites and poison ivy. You wouldn’t be the one to tell him that though.

He’d ditched his satchel in lieu of a backpack but still had his trusty converse on with obligatory mismatched socks. You’d told him converse would be hard to hike in, their thin soles alone not conducive to walking on the forest floor.

Judging by the way he grimaced with nearly every step, he was starting to wish he’d listened to you.

You continued to walk in silence, watching the way Spencer’s wary eyes cast around through the thick tree trunks, ears pricking at every tiny sound.

“If you didn’t need to stop and catch your breath every five minutes we’d be back by now.” You couldn’t hold your tongue.

Spencer’s head turned towards you, brows furrowed.

“If we hadn’t taken such a hilly trail I wouldn’t need to keep stopping every five minutes. Did you know hikers use twenty eight percent more energy when traversing uneven terrain as opposed to flatter land?” He grabbed his canteen again and took another sip.

“Don’t come crying to me when you’ve run out of water.” You ignored his statistical rambling, increasing your gait a little.

“I won’t run out of water. I’ve calculated exactly how much I can afford to drink per hour when approximating how long it will take to walk ten miles.” He told you smugly.

“Of course you have.” You rolled your eyes, picking up your pace a little more.

“I can’t believe the bureau is making us do this. Do they not realise that hiking related deaths have been on the rise? They’ve increased as much as twenty one percent in recent years.” He grumbled as he tried to match your pace.

“Oh please, do tell me more.” You huffed and clearly Spencer either didn’t sense your sarcasm or he chose to ignore it because he did tell you more.

“Fifty percent of all hiking related deaths are caused by a fall or drowning. Men make up seventy two percent of those victims.” He pulled a face, focusing on the ground beneath him now he’d drawn his own attention to that fact.

“Well you for one are particularly clumsy.” You replied, your tone one of boredom.

“The other fifty percent are due to medical conditions such as heart attacks while engaging in physical activity.”

“What kind of physical activity?” You smirked suggestively, nudging him in his arm.

Spencer shook his head as your childish insinuation.

“Oh grow up, Y/L/N.” He spat.

“I’m just saying if there is a man out there so good in bed he can induce a heart attack, I wanna meet him.” You chuckled, seeing him roll his eyes in your peripheral vision.

“And I’m saying, hiking is inherently dangerous.”

“We chase serial killers for a living.” You huffed, checking your navigational device again.

“Which I am well versed in due to years of hands-on experience. I am not educated in outdoor pursuits.” He scoffed.

“You seem to know a lot about hiking related deaths.” You cast your gaze upwards towards the sun peaking between the high trees.

You could hear faint rhythmic buzzing from insects nearby, distance scuffling through the underbrush. Every now and again you picked up on various bird songs as they chirped from the high branches.

It made a smile blossom on your features, being one with nature, the summer air cleansing your lungs. The sounds and the smells were a comfort to you, taking you back to childhood memories camping and trekking through forests just like this with your family and fond recollections of years spent at summer camps.

Summer was without a doubt your favourite season. It elicited waves of nostalgia, taking you back to years spent at camp lake edges, eating ice cream hurriedly before it melted, giving you brain freeze.

It evoked images of burning campfires, the smell of the wood as it smouldered and the marshmallows roasting ready to be made into s’mores. Dulcet tones of an acoustic guitar played under the moonlight by Andy Duncan, your camp crush.

And later when he’d walked you back to your cabin and bestowed upon you your first ever kiss. Summer held some of your best memories and kindled your sentimental side.

You toyed with the GPS device in your hand as you walked, twigs and leaves crunching under foot. You didn’t realise Spencer was staring at you.

“You okay?” He spoke up, snapping you out of your reminiscing.

“Huh?” You glanced at him sideways.

Spencer had a hint of amusement in his eyes as he looked at you, something you’d never seen on him before, not directed towards you anyway.

“You look awfully wistful.” He shrugged.

“I just love summer I guess.” You mirrored his action.

“That makes sense.” Spencer turned away and looked back at the ground so he could avoid any potential trip hazards.

“What does that mean?” You swatted at a bug that landed on your arm.

“It means I’m not surprised you like summer, arguably the worst season.” He clucked.

“The worst? Oh please. Let me guess Doc, you’re a fan of gloomy winter? That would make sense.”

“Winter isn’t gloomy. Winter is oversized sweaters and hot cocoa by a fireplace. Huddled under blankets, the holidays. Sometimes even snow.” He told you as if you’d never heard of winter before. “But it’s not my favourite season. My favourite season is fall.”

“Hmm, dark and moody tones, nature dying. That tracks.” You spoke in a clipped tone.

“It’s not dying, it’s the start of rebirth. Shedding one layer so it can grow into something more than it ever thought it could be. It’s hauntingly beautiful really. And autumnal tones are stunning, all those earthy hues and streets littered in leaves. It makes me think of cinnamon and old books. Reading in the park with my mom when she was lucid and watching the leaves fall from the trees all around us.” It was Spencer’s turn to grow wistful.

You noticed his eyes glaze over slightly, his lip quirking up at the corner as he got lost in a fond childhood memory.

Spencer never talked to you about his youth or his mother after your initial falling out. He’d never been so candid with you before. As if he realised this, he shook his head, snapping himself out of his own revere.

“I, uh, didn’t mean to share all that.” He grumbled, grabbing his canteen and sipping the water just for something to do.

“I don’t mind.”

“Well I do.” He spat, slowing a little as the two of you neared another slight slope. “You’re the last person I want to talk to about my mother.”

You slowed with him until you both stopped. You folded your arms across your chest and glared at him.

“Reid, come on. It’s been a long time. I’ve apologised for calling you a mama’s boy multiple times. How could I have possibly known about your mother?” You shook your head.

Spencer’s jaw tightened, the muscle in the side of his face pulsing as he stared at you. You could all but see the cogs turning in his head as he fashioned a response.

“I don’t want your apologies, Y/L/N.” He huffed out.

He suddenly started walking again, ignoring how much his legs ached as he started up the small slope. You watched him go for a moment or two, feeling awash with anger.

You’d been looking forward to this hike, to an excuse to spend the weekend outdoors in the sun. You were not going to let Doctor Spencer Reid ruin that for you.

***

You carried on walking for another hour or so and not another word was spoken between you. It was tense and awkward and the sun was getting lower in the sky.

It wouldn’t be at all long before it started getting dark and you were growing a little concerned that you might not make it back before the sunset.

Spencer was clearly thinking the same as his brows had been furrowed for at least the past ten minutes and he was furiously chewing on his lip.

You halted in your tracks and pulled the GPS device back out. You stared down at it with a heavy frown, feeling the heat radiating off of Spencer as he drew closer to you. He peered at the GPS over your shoulder with a scrunched brow similar to your own.

“That says we’re only a few hundred yards from the camp. We should be able to see it.” Spencer looked up but all he saw was trees.

He turned a complete three hundred and sixty degrees but was met by trees as far as the eye could see.

“I think…I think it’s busted.” You groaned deeply, the sound reverberating out into the forest.

“No? No!” Spencer snatched it from your hand and shook it as if that would help matters. “Call someone! It’s going to get dark soon!”

You did not miss the blatant panic in his voice and if you didn’t feel the same you might have made a jab at him for it.

You reached for your phone in your pants pocket and unlocked the screen but groaned as soon as you did so.

“Fuck, I have no signal.”

“What?” Spencer scrabbled for his own device and huffed seeing he had no bars either. “We’re stuck out here?”

“Uh,” you glanced around. “Yes?”

“No, no. I am not dying out in the woods with you.” His tone was even more fraught.

“Trust me, you are not my first choice of death partner either.” You scoffed.

“If we’re out here long enough we could dehydrate! Or get hypothermia! I told you fifty percent of hiking related deaths are caused by medical conditions.” He was spiralling.

“How many hiking related deaths are caused by homicide?” You shot him an unamused look.

“Eighteen percent of 990 deaths at national parks were considered intentional. That includes suicide and homicide.”

“It was a rhetorical question.” You shook your head. “Maybe if we get to higher ground we can get some cell service.”

You started to walk but had no idea where you were going. You just had to hope you would find some higher ground.

Spencer followed you for lack of any better suggestions. He was sulking like a petulant child, clearly there was something on his mind as he huffed a few times as he trailed behind you.

You walked no more than a few minutes before his constant sighing and pouting caused you to stop again.

“What?” You spat. “What is it?”

Spencer frowned, halting in his tracks too. He was rolling his lip frantically between his teeth now and jiggling a little where he stood.

“I, uh,” his cheeks flushed red. “I need to use the bathroom.”

You closed your eyes for a second, pinched the bridge of your nose.

“I hate to break it to you but there are no bathrooms way out here.”

“It’s a figure of speech.” He grumbled. “I need to…pee.”

“Okay, well take your pick.” You motioned around to the copious trees surrounding you.

“I’m not a dog.” He rolled his eyes.

“I’m sorry princess but it’s the best I can offer you.”

Spencer sucked in a deep breath, clenching his hands at his side. His leg was still jiggling with his need to urinate.

Spencer had developed an extremely strong bladder in his time in prison. The toilets on offer at Milburn were some of the most unhygienic he’d ever seen and as such had used them as little as humanly possible.

He’s trained himself to strengthen his bladder, exercising his pelvic floor in order to reduce the amount of times in a day he needed to use the bathroom.

As such during the hike he hadn’t been once while you had been multiple times. And now it had snuck up on him, coming out of nowhere and he wouldn’t be able to hold it long.

“Goddamn I hate nature.” He grumbled, glancing around for the largest looking tree he could use to shield himself from you.

You watched as he turned his back on you, hurrying off in one direction, further than was strictly necessary. You rolled your eyes with a shake of your head.

“Don’t worry, Doc I’m not looking to catch a glimpse.” You called after him. You heard a tut in response but he didn’t rise to it.

Spencer pushed forwards through some bushes and weaved in and out large pines before he found a tree trunk far enough away from you that he could have some semblance of peace while he expelled himself.

He made sure the trunk was blocking his body before he unbuttoned his cargo shorts and freed himself from his pants. Within a fraction of a second he was already urinating.

He let out a relieved sigh, holding the base of his cock in one hand for aiming purposes whilst leaning the other on the tree.

He closed his eyes as the blissful sensation of his bladder emptying consumed him. He didn’t relish doing this in the woods but he couldn’t deny how nice it felt.

It felt so good in fact he didn’t even notice the itching of his calves. He finished his business and tucked himself away before buttoning his shorts.

He swung his pack off his back and rummaged in the side pocket for a little bottle of hand sanitiser. He squirted a little in his palm and rubbed his hands together.

Returning it to his bag and putting it back on, he noticed a stinging in his left calf but ignored it as he walked back over to you. As he walked his other leg started to sting too.

When he reached you he subconsciously reached down and started scratching the backs of his bare legs with his blunt nails. You stared at him curiously.

“You okay?”

“Just a little itchy. Think I’ve been bitten or something.” He grumbled.

You walked around him and regarded his legs. His skin was flushed red with little raised blisters dotted up the backs of both calves.

“Reid,” you took his wrists and guided his hands away from his frantic scratching. “I think you’ve walked in poison ivy.”

He snapped back to his full height, eyes wide.

“What? No? Come on!” He moaned, glancing back at the rash forming. “Could this day get any worse?”

“I’ve got a first aid kit in my bag, I’m going to need to treat those. If you keep scratching they could scar. Maybe this will teach you for wearing shorts on a hike.” You put down your backpack and rummaged for the kit.

“It’s nearly eighty degrees.” He scoffed. “And I’ve never been hiking before.”

“Just shut up and stand still. Give me your water.” You knelt down on the ground behind him.

“You’ve got your own water.”

“I’m not wasting my water on cleaning your rash because you were the idiot who wore shorts. Give me your water.”

Spencer huffed out a breath to show he wasn’t happy but then he unlatched his canteen from his bag strap and passed it back to you. So much for his calculations.

You uncapped it and poured a little on the back of each leg causing him to shudder. You used a small hand towel you had in your backpack to dry them off before sanitising your hands.

You located the hydrocortisone ointment in the first aid kit and squeezed a little on the pads of your fingers. You cautiously started on his left leg, massaging the cream into the small blisters.

Spencer hissed and his legs buckled a little. He was silent though and allowed you to treat his rash. Soon you were moving onto the other leg and although it stung Spencer couldn’t deny he enjoyed the skin to skin contact.

As much as he hated to admit it, Spencer was touch starved. He hadn’t felt another set of hands on him in such a tender way since before prison.

He’d deliberately kept everyone at arms length since, not trusting himself or deeming himself worthy to be so close to another person.

He’d almost allowed himself to go there with Max, to succumb to the kind of pleasure he’d sorely missed. They’d kissed but ultimately that was the furthest he’d let himself go.

And somehow your benevolent touch was more intimate than kissing Max. Or perhaps that was just wishful thinking on his part.

He was sure you knew the real reason he was so brusque with you wasn’t because of what you’d call him during your first case. He was annoyed about it at first but he hadn’t held a grudge over it.

His curt behaviour towards you stemmed from his almost overwhelming crush on you. He’d pushed you away because when he met you he wasn’t ready to be close to someone. But in doing so he had inevitably sealed his own fate so that now when he might actually want to pursue something, you could barely stand him.

He tried to omit the feeling of your fingertips on his calves and focused his attention on the warbling of a nearby bird. Its song wasn’t the prettiest he’d ever heard but it had a certain cadence to it which he found oddly calming.

All too soon you were finished and your touch was gone, leaving Spencer feeling dissatisfied. You wrapped both of his rashes in gauze bandages but your fingers barely ghosted over his flesh again.

You stuffed the kit back away and pushed yourself to your feet, brushing the dirt off of your knees. Spencer looked down at his newly bandaged legs with a small frown.

“Do you have a change of clothes? Some pants perhaps?” You asked.

“No, for all my planning and research I did not think to bring long pants.” He shook his head at his oversight.

“I know we don’t always see eye to eye, but you could have asked me what you should bring. The whole team knows I’m big on hiking and camping.” You turned away from him, looking back out through the trees to try and ascertain the best direction to head. “I also could have told you that converse was a dumb choice for hiking. I can only imagine how much your feet hurt.”

Spencer made a noise that sounded somewhat like he agreed with you but didn’t want to say it out loud. You pulled out a piece of crumpled paper from your backpack and unfolded it, staring intently at it for a few moments.

Spencer came closer, glancing down at the wrinkled paper in your hands. It looked to be a topographic map of the area. Finally something Spencer understood about hiking.

“Didn’t know Garcia gave us those.” He spoke as you studied it.

“She didn’t. This isn’t my first rodeo, I would never have come out here without one.” You didn’t look at him.

“So I can read this but how do you work out where we are? There’s nothing but trees for miles.” He scratched the back of his neck.

“Observation. We passed a small body of water about a mile back. I didn’t see it but I could hear it off to the west. And this incline,” you pointed in front of you. “Will help figure it out.”

“Okay, so a small body of water and an area where the contour lines aren’t too close as the hill isn’t too steep.” He nodded.

“Exactly.” You agreed. “And if my bearings are right I believe we’re facing north east.”

Spencer looked around briefly before a smile tugged at his lips.

“Because of the position of the sun.”

“Yep. And the moss.” You nodded towards the trees. “It’s not an exact science but in the whole moss tends to grow on the north side of trees in the northern hemisphere.”

Spencer watched while you ran your index finger along the map, trying to draw on everything you knew in order to get the two of you to higher ground.

“Wow I’m…I’m actually impressed.” He chuckled a little and you looked up at him with a frown.

“Are you patronising me?”

“What? No! I mean it. I’m really impressed.”

“Oh,” you looked back at the map. “Thanks.”

A minute or so later and you’d estimated a few miles worth of trail you believed the two of you to be on. If you were right you were still miles from the camp and wouldn’t make it there by nightfall.

Your plan was to find somewhere to get cell service so you could call the team and hopefully they could get park rangers out here to find you as they were the only ones equipped to traverse the forest after dark.

Spencer followed you while you kept the map in your hand. The two of you walked for another mile or so, by this point Spencer’s water rations were nearly depleted.

Eventually you stopped at the foot of a large, steep hill and Spencer looked up at it with a dubious expression.

“You want me to climb that?” He whined.

“Well we have a better chance of getting cell service when we have two phones.” You rolled your eyes, folding the map and slotting it in your pocket.

“Can’t you just take mine up there with you?” He pulled a face. “I really do not possess the physical prowess for this.”

“No kidding.” You scoffed. “But we’re in this together. I could get hurt or something, I need you for backup.”

Spencer groaned, pouting his bottom lip like a child.

“Oh jeez, fine.” He huffed. “But I will complain every step of the way.”

“Wouldn’t expect anything less.” With a shake of your head you started forward and Spencer reluctantly followed you.

You got less than twenty paces before he almost slipped and fell on his face. To steady himself he instinctively reached for your hand. He didn’t let go the whole way up.

You hated to admit it but there was something oddly comforting about Spencer’s hand in yours. His hand was warm and surprisingly soft and it was so much larger than your own he all but encompassed yours.

He held onto you tightly, fingers squeezing your hand every time his foot slipped a little on the hilly ground. A part of you didn’t want to make it to the top because you didn’t want him to let go.

But of course as soon as the ground levelled out he slipped his hand away and all but collapsed onto the damp ground below, huffing and puffing. You watched him grab his canteen and finish the water without a second thought.

He removed his pack and rolled onto his back, relishing in every last drop of liquid and clearly not concerned he had now emptied his reserves. He closed his eyes and pushed his hair back off his sweaty forehead.

You pulled your cell phone out and unlocked it. You had one tiny bar of signal which you hoped was enough to make a call. You nudged Spencer in the ribs with the toe of your hiking boot. His eyes shot open and he stared up at you, the exhaustion heavy in his eyes.

“I’ve got one bar, I’m going to try and call Prentiss.” You informed him, bringing up your contacts.

You found Emily’s name quickly and hit the call button before putting the device on speaker. The dial tone was crackly and you knew the signal could cut out at any minute. It rang four times before Emily answered but her words were muffled and you only caught a handful of what she said.

“Y/N…are you?...Gone hours…thing okay?”

“Emily, we got lost. Our GPS was misprogrammed. We need help.” You had no idea how much she could hear of what you were saying.

“...are you?...send a rang…coordinates?”

You reeled off your approximate coordinates, explaining that you could be anywhere within a few miles of that spot but again you don’t know what she heard due to the spotty service.

“Hold tight…get a ranger…be okay.”

“Thanks Emily.” You finished before hanging up.

Spencer was still on the floor on his back, his brows furrowed in concern.

“How much of that do you think she got?” He was rolling his lip between his teeth.

“I have no idea.” You pocketed the phone again. “I’m almost certain Garcia would have brought her laptop with her. If she can get to the rangers station and get on the WiFi she might be able to locate us.”

“Yeah, good point. Garcia is the best.” His eyes closed again, a strangely dreamy smile on his lips.

“What are you doing?” You kicked him again and his eyes quickly opened and he stared at you.

“Resting, what does it look like?” He scowled.

“Reid, the second the sun goes down the temperature is going to plummet. We need to make a fire.”

“Goddamnit,” he pushed himself to a sitting position. “I hate the outdoors.”

You chose to ignore him and didn’t help him to his feet, instead started wandering around in the search for some sticks for the fire. Spencer eventually got himself up and started to help. The sun was barely a sliver in the sky by the time you collected enough wood.

You created a crisscross on the ground with the kindling, explaining to Spencer this type of fire would burn for longer and not need as much wood. You had no idea how long you would be out here and you needed to stay warm. The smoke would also help draw attention to your whereabouts.

You retrieved a pack of matches from your back, Spencer once again impressed by your preparedness. He simply watched while you went about lighting the fire, in silent awe. It was several minutes before the fire started to grow and he shuffled closer to it, sitting cross legged on the dirty forest floor and holding his hands towards the flames.

You sat down next to him, but not too close. You got out a fleece hoodie from your bag and slipped it over your head. As if jogging some kind of memory for Spencer he opened his own bag and found his oversized CalTech sweatshirt, thankful he’d had the forethought to pack this even if he had overlooked bringing pants.

Sitting by the fire you felt the fatigue wash over you. You could quite easily curl up and fall asleep after the day's events. Spencer noticed your fluttering eyelids and how you were desperately trying to stay awake.

He suddenly felt extremely bad for how difficult he’d been all day, complaining and moaning while you tried to keep him safe and alive. He huffed out a breath and the sound caused you to look at him.

Half of his face was illuminated by the glow of the fire, the other side set in deep shadow from where the sun had now almost completely vanished beneath the horizon. His golden brown eyes shimmered as he looked at you.

“I, uh, I’m sorry I’ve been such hard work today.” He rolled his lip between his teeth.

“Reid, I’m used to you being hard work.” Your lip twitched at the corner.

“I’m sorry about that too.” He swallowed. “Do you…do you want to lay your head down on my lap? You deserve to rest.”

You frowned a little sceptical, mildly concerned by the offer as Spencer had never been so nice to you. But you were too tired to question it and the idea of laying down sounded wonderful. You nodded slowly, prompting Spencer to uncross his legs and stretch them out in front of himself.

You sucked in a breath, shuffling in the dirt so you could lay on your side with your head in his lap while you stretched your own body out on the ground.

Without meaning to, Spencer's hand was soon brushing through your hair. You couldn’t help the hum of appreciation that you let escape and it goaded him to continue.

His touch elicited the sweetest sounds from your lips, some sounding dangerously like moans. Spencer was only human and his body reacted of its own accord at the noises.

He could sense the blood rushing south, feel the swelling in his shorts despite how much he willed it stop. He stilled his movements on your hair, hoping if you weren’t making those delirious sounds it would stop the blood rushing and he wouldn’t get hard enough for you to notice…

…You suddenly sat up, looking right at him with wide eyes. Of course you’d noticed, his crotch was right beneath your head.

His cheeks instantly flushed red and he pulled a face full of apologies and mortification. You continued to stare at him and he felt more uncomfortable with each silent second.

“Please,” he whimpered. “Just…don’t mention it.”

“Kinda hard not to…pun not intended.” You frowned at your own choice of words and Spencer groaned.

“I’m sorry,” he shook his head. “It has been a long time since I’ve had any kind of closeness with another person. I can’t be held responsible for my body’s carnal reactions. Especially when you’re making such sinful noises.”

Your own cheeks turned red now and you glanced away from him towards the fire.

“I, uh…I didn’t realise I was. Sorry.” You croaked. “Full disclosure, it’s also been a long time since I’ve had any kind of closeness with another person.”

Spencer’s brows furrowed as he regarded you. He found that incredibly hard to believe. You were just so beautiful he imagined men fell at your feet everywhere you went.

“Seriously?” He couldn’t help but ask.

“Seriously.” You confirmed with a huff as you turned back to him.

“But why?”

“Why what? I don’t understand.”

“I mean…you’re you. You’re beautiful and smart and charismatic. Surely you could have your pick of men?” Spencer was really frowning.

“I’m…fussy I suppose? And I don’t really like the whole casual sex thing…” You trailed off with your own frown. “Wait did you call me beautiful?”

“And smart and charismatic.” He nodded.

“Uh, thanks?” You were rightfully confused, Spencer had never said anything nice about you. “What about you? You don’t have women lining up at your door? And weren’t you dating someone?”

Spencer let out a hearty laugh at this, shaking his head dramatically.

“Max and I broke up not long after Cat and her games. We never…you know…and trust me when I say women do not fawn over a neurotic, socially awkward ex-con.” Spencer sighed sadly.

“Oh, I didn’t realise about Max, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. It wouldn’t have worked out even if Cat hadn��t interfered.” He pulled a face, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. “You didn’t know me before prison. I’m not the same man I used to be. I had to do things on the inside just to survive and it changed me. For a long time I didn’t trust myself to get close to anyone. A part of me still doesn't but I’m trying I guess? Max was the closest I came to allowing myself to be vulnerable again.”

You simply stared at him, unsure what to say. You’d never spoken so personally with Spencer before, he’d never opened up to you in such a way and you didn’t know how to respond.

You knew you needed to tread lightly, not wanting to risk him clamming up and shutting you down. You were making progress for the first time since you’d met him and you didn’t want to give him a reason not to continue.

“I didn’t know you before prison and I have no idea the things you would have gone through in there. But I do know you now. I know you shield yourself behind these huge walls to keep people from hurting you, probably because you’ve already been hurt enough for one lifetime.

“You kept me at arms length because you don’t like change, you worried I would threaten the team dynamic. But once you realised that wasn’t the case, you were too far gone and it was easier for you to keep treating me with disdain rather than thaw towards me.”

Spencer was silent while you talked, ingesting your words, mulling them over in his head. His expression tightened, his eyebrows knitted together and his lips drawn into a line.

“I guess you’re right, at least about some of it.” He exhaled. “I was always guarded to a degree even before prison. People have always disappointed me I guess and so I learnt not to rely on anyone, not to let anyone get too close. It’s easier to be alone than to risk getting hurt.

“But you’re wrong about why I kept you away. Your comment about me being a mama’s boy stung but I didn’t hold it against you. I needed to put distance between us because from the first time I met you I knew how effortless it would be for me to fall for you.

“I was too raw at the time, I wasn’t ready to give my heart away to someone who might not even want it. I had to keep you at arms length because it was safer than letting myself develop feelings for someone who probably wouldn’t reciprocate. But I guess the jokes on me because my plan was far from foolproof and I managed to fall for you anyway.

“I don’t expect anything from you in return, and I’m hoping once we’re rescued we can just forget this whole thing ever happened. But I suppose you deserve to know why I am the way I am with you and maybe going forward we can try to be…I don’t know…friends? Or at the very least I hope we can get along better.” He sucked in a breath when he finished speaking, looking completely exhausted and utterly heartbroken.

You couldn’t speak. You took in every single word, toyed with them in your mind and tried to make sense of them. But really they didn’t make any sense. In the year you’d known Spencer you had never even gotten so much as a hint that he had feelings for you. He was detached, withdrawn and oftentimes entirely unapproachable.

It seemed implausible that he could have been hiding these feelings all this time and for you not to have a clue. You were a profiler, wasn’t it your job to pick up on these things? Did the rest of the team figure it out? Were you the only one in the dark?

He looked increasingly uncomfortable by his confession with every passing second of silence. The fire crackled, its warmth washing over you both. It cast you both in a cosy glow.

Spencer seemed closer somehow. Did you move nearer or had he, or was it simply all in your head?

There were so many things you could say, so many possibilities but you couldn’t form a simple sentence. Every time you tried to speak your words caught in your throat and his own played over in a loop in your brain.

I guess the jokes on me because my plan was far from foolproof and I managed to fall for you anyway.

Spencer had feelings for you and he thought you wouldn’t feel the same. Perhaps neither of you were as good at profiling as you thought.

Spencer rolled his lip between his teeth, growing self conscious in your lack of response. He sucked in a deep breath and exhaled it through his nose.

“I should not have said any of that.” He averted his gaze to the fire. “I don’t even know why I did. Jeez, I’m a moron. Please can you just pretended I didn’t…”

He trailed off when your hand cupped his chin and you turned him gently to look at you.

“Yes, you are a moron.” You smiled meekly. “But only because you missed what was right in front of you. How can you think I didn’t feel the same?”

His mouth fell open, your hand still on his jaw. He blinked rapidly as if trying to clear some kind of fog in his brain.

“You…I’m confused.” He frowned.

“Let me clear it up for you then.” You dropped your hand to your side but seconds later your lips crushed against his.

Spencer gasped at the sudden action, in a million years he never dreamed to actually feel your lips on his. And if he never got this chance again, he was going to make the most of it.

He raised his hands to cup your face and ran his tongue along your bottom lip, gently asking for passageway. You obliged by parting your lips enough for his tongue to slide inside.

You were quick to explore the contours of each other's mouths, both of your desperations evident in the way your teeth knocked together while you worked to find your rhythm.

One of his hands worked its way into the back of your hair and held you firmly as he deepened the kiss further. He pulled you into his lap and you manoeuvred yourself so you were straddling him, kneeling in the dirt either side of his hips.

He kept one hand cradling your head and the other moved down over your ribs. It dipped beneath the thick fabric of your hoodie, sandwiched between it and your shirt underneath.

You rocked in his lap, wrapping your arms tightly around neck. The friction caused him to moan languidly into your mouth and it wasn’t long before you felt him growing hard again.

When he pulled back and opened his eyes, his pupils were blown out, heavy with lust. He was begging you for more without the use of words, he removed one of your hands from around his neck and moved it between your bodies.

He placed your palm on his rapidly growing erection, rolling his swollen lip with his teeth whilst silently asking if this was okay. You smiled at him and your other hand joined it so you could pop the button of his shorts.

One hand wasted no time in diving straight into his boxers and wrapping around his shaft. You quickly tugged him free of the confines of both his shorts and underwear.

You sat back a little on your haunches to look down on him. You couldn’t hold back your lamentation as you surveyed every inch of him in your hand. He was long and thick, heavy against your palm. Honestly you hadn’t known what to expect, but it wasn’t this.

The vein that ran up the underside throbbed as you brushed your thumb over it and he bucked his hips when you moved it to rub over his swollen red tip. You slowly brought your fist all the way back down, squeezing his base whilst nestled in a bed of scratchy pubic hair.

You tore your eyes away from his crotch and looked up to meet his eyes. They held a hint of uncertainty, as though he was worried you wouldn’t like what you saw. Spencer never was blessed with body confidence, he was always too skinny or too tall or too gangly.

He wasn’t dumb though, he knew that particular appendage was above average. He didn’t have a wealth of sexual experience but he had enough to know that he was often a tight fit for most. But that didn’t stop him from feeling self conscious under your gaze.

The smile on your face and the glint in your eye was enough for him to know that you were pleased by what you’d seen and it allowed him to relax a little. He felt a wave of heat wash over him as your hand slowly started to move and it had nothing to do with his proximity to the fire.

He wriggled beneath you as you started moving your hand up and down, your thumb brushing over his sensitive head each time. A string of wanton moans left his lips and he was momentarily dumbfounded while you worked him, not able to do anything but sit and relish in this feeling.

Your petite hand couldn’t fit all the way around him but it didn’t make your movements any less mind blowing. He had never been touched like this before, with such a combination of care and desperation.

Once he got his brain working for long enough to think straight, he moved his hands towards the buttons of your pants. You didn’t let up on your ministrations while he got them undone, swiping your thumb through the precum collecting on his head.

He swiftly popped the buttons and his right hand dipped inside straight inside your panties. He moaned animalistically when he discovered how wet you were already, the sound dissipating out into the forest.

You kept eye contact with each other as his fingers slid between your legs, collecting your arousal before moving to settle on your needy clit. You whimpered as he rubbed the sensitive bud with two fingers, rocking against his hand whilst increasing your speed on his cock.

The sounds coming from the both of you were nothing short of feral and became eaten up by the vast woods surrounding you. You grinded against his hand while he flicked your nub deftly, eager to bring you to orgasm.

You returned the favour and matched his speed. The sounds of your arousal and his flesh against yours filled your ears. The fire continued to crackle behind you, casting you in an ethereal glow from where you perched on top of him.

His chest heaved and his stomach was coiling into thick knots. He wanted this to last forever but knew his orgasm was imminent. It had been all too long since someone had touched him so intimately and it would be impossible to stave off his release for too long.

But judging by the noises you were making, the sinful whines and moans leaving your parted lips and how frantically you bucked against his hand, he assumed you were in the same boat.

“Jesus, Reid,” you panted heavily. “Who knew you’d be so good at that?”

He couldn’t help but chuckle, increasing his speed even further as if to prove that point.

“Likewise.” He replied, whimpering as you swiped your thumb through more beads of precum.

“I’m so close.” You whined, throwing your head back to your shoulders.

“M-me too.” He stuttered, stomach clenching at the way you twisted your fist around his shaft.

Somewhere in the distance you heard a twig snap but paid it no attention. You kept your focus here on Spencer, on how he was making you feel and on how you were making him feel. But then you heard another crunch followed by a faint voice.

“Reid? Y/LN?” It called. “I see smoke! That has to be them!”

“Is that…?” Spencer frowned, breathing heavily.

“G-Garcia.” You mumbled.

“Fuck,” Spencer groaned, his frustration evident.

“Reid? Y/L/N? It’s Penny G, can you hear me, my loves?”

You and Spencer exchanged a look while you both stilled your movements at the same time. He kept his hand inside your panties while you held the base of his shaft limply. You felt dizzy, you were on the cusp of orgasm, about to fall over the ledge when Garcia’s voice had dragged you back from the brink. Looking at Spencer, he felt much the same.

“Y/L/N, Reid! We’re coming angels!”

“Oof,” Spencer groaned, cautiously withdrawing his hand from inside your pants. “Poor choice of words.”

You reluctantly let go of his shaft and crawled away from him while you both readjusted yourself and got your pants done up.

“Over here, Garcia.” You called, hoping she didn’t notice the way your voice shook.

Your body tingled, so close to release a soft breeze could get you there. Spencer pushed himself to his feet, legs shaking and reached out to help you up. He was tenting his shorts, unable to get the blood flowing elsewhere due to how close he’d been. He picked up his backpack and held it in front of him so Garcia wouldn’t notice.

Your underwear was soaked and sticky. You tried to adjust your stance so it was less uncomfortable but it was almost impossible. You could see three flashlights in the distance and the footsteps were growing closer.

Soon enough Garcia and two park rangers appeared through the thicket. If she noticed the flush of your cheeks she didn’t say anything. She immediately threw her arms around both of you, Spencer cloying to keep his bag as a barrier between himself and the bubbly blonde for fear she might feel his unyielding erection.

“Oh my sweet angels!” She cooed over you both. “Let's get you back to camp and get you warmed up and fed.”

You both silently agreed and let the rangers lead you back towards a clearing where their vehicle awaited you. Garcia hopped in the backseat first and Spencer held open the door for you, offering a meek smile as you passed him.

Perhaps it was for the best you’d been interrupted before you could go too far. Perhaps Garcia had inadvertently helped you dodge a bullet.

***

Several hours later after making it back to the camp and feasting on Rossi’s campfire soup and bread and whilst being wrapped in Garcia’s fluffy blankets, one by one the other members of the BAU retired for the night.

The fire was still dwindling as you perched on a log next to Spencer, silence deafening you once the two of you were alone. You watched the small flames flicker and dance in the soft breeze, soaking up the last of the summer evening before calling it a night yourself.

Before you did, you turned to face him to find he was already looking at you. He smiled softly, a little bashfully and you returned it. Words and emotions bubbled under the surface and neither one of you knew where to start.

“Some day, huh.” You shrugged, wrapping the blanket tighter around your body.

“It was certainly eye opening.” Spencer agreed.

“It was probably for the best that Garcia and those rangers found us when they did, right?”

“Oh yeah, for sure. Probably stopped us from doing something even more stupid.” Spencer chuckled nervously.

“Exactly.” You nodded, getting to your feet. Spencer did the same. “We can just pretend nothing happened. We were tired, probably a little dehydrated. The sun makes us do weird things.”

“Yeah, the sun.” He nodded too.

You swallowed thickly, giving him one last look before turning towards your tent. Spencer scuffed the toe of his converse on the ground and found himself speaking again without really meaning to.

“I mean…it would have been nice to at least finish. I’ve been kinda on edge ever since.”

You spun back to look at him and he looked so unsure of himself. His hands were in his pockets and his shoulders were pitched up to his ears.

“Uh, yeah same here.” You took a couple of tentative steps back towards him. “There’s no doubt I could go back to my tent right now and finish what we started alone but…”

“But your hand feels so much better than my own.” Spencer finished for you.

You both chuckled as you reached him again, letting go of your blanket and letting it fall to the floor so you wrap your arms around Spencer’s neck.

“It would just be a one time thing.” You whispered, your breath fanning across his face.

“Even though you don’t like casual sex.” He placed his hands on your hips.

“Even though I don’t like casual sex.” You repeated.

“We’re just…two colleagues helping each other.” Spencer smirked, inching his face closer to yours.

“And if anyone ever found out…”

“We’d blame the sun. Summer heat got to us.”

“Summer heat.” You agreed and with that he kissed you again, drawing you into his body whilst tugging you in the direction of his own tent.

Spencer had never been a fan of summer. But after today he may have been converted. And he was certain this summer heat between you would continue to smoulder through the seasons.

#spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x fem! reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction

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writers-potion · 6 months ago

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Inventing Magical Connections

Most magic system use the energetic links between objects and concepts - these are called correspondences.

Using Charts

Create a cheat sheet for your magicians to refer to.

This can be a list of astronomical signs and the kind of power/energy it amplifies, list of herbs and corresonding elements, etc.

The chart can be handed down from generations

Invent correspondences by altering existing systems

Correspondence Topics

You can mix and match these topics to create interesting magical correspondences

colors

crystals, minerals, gemstones

flowers, herbs, fruit, trees

planets

constellations

moon phases

Zodiac signs

incenses

chakras

deities and daints

animals

mythological creatures

demons

angels

body parts

runes

tarot cards

the four elements

days of the week

geometric shapes

seasons

metals

numbers

Color Correspondences

Red: passion, power, courage, willpower, fire, the root chakra, sexual relationships, sexual potency, speed, strength business success, legal mattes, ambition, personal creativity

Orange: energy, joy, the Sacral chakra, sexuality, the abdomen, prosperity, celebrations, luck, fortune, business success, legal matters, ambition, personal creativity

Pink: romantic love, relationships, health, the Crown chakra, spirituality bliss, nurturing, friendships, forgiveness, emotional healing, easing inner pain

Blue: spirituality,learning, the element Air, the element Water, the Throat chakra, truth, loyalty, serenity, tranquility, sleep, creativity, poetry

Purple: psychic matters, clairvoyance, spiritual mattes, justice, roylaty, the Borw chakra, fertility, rejuvenation, faerie

Green: wealth, abundance, growth, healing, the elemnt Water, the chest, the Heart chakra, fertility rejuvenation, faerie

Turquoise: wealth, investments the element Water, inventions, intellectual matters

Black: protection, neutralising harmful influences, the element Earth, calm

White: purity, the element Air, truth, enlightenment new beginnings, clairvoyance, angels, forgiveness

Yellow: trade, communication, writing, knowledge, learning, the element Earth, the element Air, joy, mental clarity, alertness, travel, chane, Solar Plexus chakra, telepathy, exams

Brown: the element Earth, crafts, buildings, home-making, common sense

Silver: wealth, spiritual matters, female

Gold wealth, power, masculine, fame, overcoming addictions

Bronze: love, friendship, positive relationships, career success

If you like my blog, buy me a coffee☕ and find me on instagram! 📸

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azure-cherie · 1 year ago

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𝑵𝒂𝒌𝒔𝒉𝒂𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒃𝒊𝒓𝒅𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉 𝒎𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒍𝒐𝒈𝒚 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏

✵ 𝗖𝗿𝗼𝘄 /𝗞𝗮𝗸𝗮

Crow is the animal associated with krittika , pushya , hasta , jyestha , dhanistha

Crows are associated with being the vahan of shani dev , they are a connecting link between the human world and The spirit world , it is believed that our ancestors come in the form of crows to get food and offer us blessings , it is also believed that the caretaker of the crow will achieve blessings from all gods and reach salvation after death

Mythology and lore :

The black crow, also known as a raven in some regions is said to possess clairvoyance by which he can see different worlds,is the tale of KakBhushundi, mentioned in Tulasi’ Das’s epic poem ‘Ramacharitamanas’. Bhusundi who was an ardent devotee of Ram had no respect or devotion for any representation God other than Lord Ram. His guru sage Lomas tried to correct this attitude by teaching him to develop devotion for nirguna brahman or the formless aspect of God. But Bhusundi ignored his guru’s teachings and kept on worshipping Ram as the Ultimate Truth. In a fit of anger Sage Lomasha cursed Bhusundi to become a crow because of his repeated rejection and arguments against the sage’s guidance and advice. When Lord Ram intervened on behalf of Bhusundi, Sage Lomas relented and recalled Basundi who was now in the form of a crow as ‘KakBhushundi’ or Bhusundi the crow and taught him Ramcharitmanas, stories about Rama’s spiritual journey. Thus KakBhusundi in the form of a crow became the ultimate narrator of the events in the life of Lord Rama. He was also blessed with the ability to travel through time and recreate the story of Lord Rama.

He witnessed a cosmic vision in Rama's mouth, observing millions of suns and moons within, and a vision of the sage himself in Ayodhya within each celestial object. He resided within each of these realms for centuries, and returned from Rama's mouth to find himself return to the same moment in time as he had left. Bewildered, he begged for Rama's salvation, and was promptly blessed with the same. He chose to forever remain in the form of a crow as he had been blessed by his favoured deity in that form.

during the shraddha ceremony or oblation offered to ancestors, a ball of cooked rice ( pind) is offered to the dead ancestor. If crows eat ( touch/peck) it, then it is assumed that the dead ancestor’s soul has been released from his or her bindings with the physical body and has embarked on the continuation of the soul’s journey to the next level of existence. In this rite, crows touching the rice ball is considered auspicious and is also seen as a good omen.they are of particular interest in Tantric narratives and Tantric rituals. In the general Hindu context, the crow is often stereotyped as inauspicious and its role limited to that of vāhana (vehicle of a deity). Conversely, in Tantric ritual manuals, the crow’s sphere of influence is based on a broader concept. Such scriptures imply ominous and ‘dark’ aspects of agency in crows, but they do so in a strikingly different way than Hindu classic mythology. Tantra emphasise an ambivalent potential in crows as beneficial to certain rituals and occasionally incorporate a ‘crow potency’ in ritual instructions.

They are the very powerful healers who are able to locate the shadows that create distress for people and bring blind dark spots to awareness in people so healing can ensue. Spending long periods in the dark gives one this Siddhi.Shuni Kah is the Crow of the Dark Moon who has access to the never regions. He is the one in us to bring the eye to the underground sediment that toxifies our lives. If this unresolved sediment it is left in the unseen world there is no healing.Shuni Kah the Crow and gatekeeper to the world of dreams is the grand healer. Just singing his name is a powerful mantra that causes us to see in the dark.

The entrance to Shuni is through the femminine. His Mother is Chaya, the Shadow Woman, and his father is Surya, the Sun. His Mother was not able to realise her power beside her Husband, the sun, for his glow burned and make her feel overwhelmed and insignificant and so she fled leaving behind her shadow.This signifies how the Feminine is brought into insignificance when the Solar or active force is ruled over her.Having left her Shadow with her husband, Shuni’s mother whilst still pregnant performed prayers and yogic austerity to Shiva under intense heat. Her effort was so great and the heat generated became so hot that her child, Shuni, was burned black.This signifies how heat and tapasya (yogic purifying Fire of austerity) reveals the darkness within the unconscious recesses of one’s being.When Shuni was born and seen in his blackness, his father was shocked at how dark he was refused to recognise him as his child, accusing his wife of being unfaithful. He raged greatly and insulted his wife. Seeing his Mother thus insulted raised Shuni’s wrath. Thus Shuni’s gazes is ever down in the underworld and arouses suffering.He Rides on the Crow and his wife rides on the Swan.One is the bird of the underworld and the other is the bird of the Celestial spheres

The completion of Tantrais known as the Kiss of Crow & Swan.The meeting of opposites.She rides a chariot pulled by crows and has a flag with crow emblem (Kak Dwhajini). She has a voice of howling jackals. Dhumavati

In Celtic mythology, the warrior goddess known as the Morrighan often appears in the form of a crow or raven or is seen accompanied by a group of them. Typically, these birds appear in groups of three, and they are seen as a sign that the Morrighan is watching—or possibly getting ready to pay someone a visit.

In some tales of the Welsh myth cycle, the Mabinogion, the raven is a harbinger of death. Witches and sorcerers were believed to have the ability to transform themselves into ravens and fly away, thus enabling them to evade capture.Odin is often represented by the raven—usually a pair of them. Early artwork depicts him as being accompanied by two black birds, who are described in the Eddas as Huginn and Munnin. Their names translate to “thought” and “memory,” and their job is to serve as Odin’s spies, bringing him news each night from the land of men. For the ancient Greeks, the crow was a symbol of Apollo in his role as god of prophecy. Augury—divination using birds—was popular among both the Greeks and the Romans, and augurs interpreted messages based on not only the color of a bird but the direction from which it flew. A crow flying in from the east or south was considered favorable.Genesis tells us that after the flood waters receded, the raven was the first bird Noah sent out from the ark to find land. Also, in the Hebrew Talmud, ravens are credited with teaching mankind how to deal with death; when Cain slew Abel, a raven showed Adam and Eve how to bury the body, because they had never done so before.Philo of Alexandria (first century AD), who interpreted the Bible allegorically, stated that Noah's raven was a symbol of vice, whereas the dove was a symbol of virtue (Questions and Answers on Genesis 2:38)In the Story of Bhusunda, a chapter of the Yoga Vasistha, a very old sage in the form of a crow, Bhusunda, recalls a succession of epochs in the earth's history, as described in Hindu cosmology. He survived several destructions, living on a wish-fulfilling tree on Mount Meru.[24]

The Lesser Key of Solomon: Goetia, The Book of Evil SpiritsStolas, the 36th demon in the pantheon, will first appear as a raven when summoned. Once he becomes a man, he teaches the arts and astronomy, as well as the properties of precious stones and the healing properties of herbs. Malphas, the 39th demon, appears as a crow and won’t change form until ordered. In his human form, he can build homes and fortifications and can give his summoner a familiar

Raven overheard the old man talking to himself about a box he possessed. The box contained a series of ever-smaller boxes, and inside the smallest box was all the light in the world—which Raven decided to steal.There seemed to be no door into the house, so Raven waited until the man’s daughter went to a nearby stream, then changed himself into a hemlock needle in the water, which the girl drank. Raven changed himself into a baby once he was inside her, and once he was born (an odd-looking half-bird, half-boy creature whose true nature was hidden by the darkness), he demanded to be allowed to play with the boxes. One by one, Raven demanded the first box, then the second, and so on. Finally, he convinced his grandfather to open the innermost box and let him play with the ball that was the light. As soon as Raven had the light, he took off with it gripped in his beak.The light spilled from the ball and over the world, but it wasn’t long before Eagle gave chase. As Raven fled, pieces of the light fell to the ground and shattered, bouncing back into the sky to create the Moon and the stars. Other pieces of the light slowly fell as Raven made his way around the world, which is why the light travels across the sky the way it does.Theories suggest that the three legs represent the three ancient clans of Japan or the three virtues of valor, benevolence, and wisdom. Some suggest that the three stands for mankind, heaven, and Earth. Regardless of why Yatagarasu has three legs, he’s seen as symbolic of the navigator, physical and spiritual, and he’s even been adopted by the Japanese soccer association in the hopes that he’ll help navigate the ball into the goal. He’s also closely associated with Kumano, the birthplace of the founder of the sport in Japan

The raven is considered one of the smartest birds. In fact, the raven’s brain is among the largest of any bird species. Ravens also happen to possess an extraordinary number of brain cells compared to the brains of other birds.3When the raven is your spirit animal, you are being called upon to rely on your wits in a given situation or when you are faced with a challenge in your life. Often in life, we can go on automatic pilot, accepting things the way they are, or thinking we don’t have the capacity to change them.The raven spirit animal tells you that with innovation and creative thinking, you can influence outcomes that affect the course of your life. Even if you feel emotional about a situation, remember to rely on the gift of your intellect to solve your problems. This is how you gain deeper intelligence and wisdom.\

Charles Dickens’ Barnaby Rudge: A Tale of the Riots of Eighty. In both tales, the raven is at first disturbing to the character who interacts with him. But then he provides important insights. Indeed, the raven expands both of the main characters’ level of consciousness.

In many Native American legends, the raven is the wisest of birds, even possessing the ability to speak.8 (In fact, this is an interesting parallel between Native American legends and stories from other cultures, such as Edgar Allan Poe’s The Raven, in which the intelligent black bird is capable of human speech.The Egyptian goddess Nepthys, who is the sister of Isis, was the goddess of the dead.13 It’s clear that the ancient Egyptians also connected the raven with death, as they associated Nepthys with this intelligence black bird.

Meaning: Survival and Adaptability

Intuition – Because the raven is so closely associated with clairvoyance and prophecy, on a spiritual level, they remind us of our own ability to connect with our Higher Power and higher spiritual entities through our own minds.

Spiritual Guidance – As they are associated with insight and guidance, the raven is also a symbol for spiritual education. We are all works in progress. Learning about spirituality from more enlightened souls can lead to our own spiritual growth.

Spiritual Transformation – As a powerful symbol of transformation, the raven also embodies the idea of shifting consciousness and opening our minds to greater awareness as we navigate our spiritual journey. reflect on the areas of your life that they might relate to. Even an anxious raven dream can be a gift. It can prompt you to take the time to be an objective observer of your own thoughts. Then, you can improve situations without getting pulled in every direction your thoughts might take.

Sources :

1 2 3

Through various nakshatras

Interpretations are solely based on my understanding and you can have your interpretation as well ❤️

Krittika nakshatra

Krittika is a churner of perfection under the fire of Surya that gave birth to Shani through his mother chaya the first conception of the birth of a crow comes through while Shani is associated with crows , the struggles of not being seen enough is associated here , the outcast themes come through. Along with that the perfection theme while a crow collects the most beautiful stuff to keep in it's nest , it knows what's valuable like krittika sees the value in things , they know what they want and they attempt to take it . Here this relates to the story of yatagarasu believed to be an incarnation of the sun in Shinto mythology. This also associates with Apollo being the god of prophecy and taking the form of a crow , shows that where there exists light ( Surya ) there Exists chaya , they aren't on a scale of horizontal extremes but the flip sides of a coin, one cannot exist without the other , in krittika lies the light so lies the dark , lies the beauty of creation so lies the pain of change .

Pushya nakshatra

Pushya nakshatra ruled by Saturn comes in through the first liberation through pain and trials in the lives of the natives , like a crow one suffers despite what others say , people say various things without knowing about the wisdom of the crow , this forms the initiation of intuition . While pushya relates to the nourishing aspect of a crow , how they hunt for their young ones , how they know pain because they have been the one experiencing it , being outcast only affects them for a small time because they pick themselves up like a true winner. . Here the intelligence and creativity given by the raven shines through with the light of the moon .

Hasta nakshatra:

The playful nature of mercury- moon shines through the crow in being a lover for finer things in life , they are the intelligent ones the smart ones , they are often called deceptive , but that's just cleverness put to use , while the significance here can be seen through the story of raven (mentioned above) stealing the box which contained all the light of the world and convincing the old man to open the box , natives have great communication skills and can easily convince people. As the eagle chased the raven the moon and the stars were created , signified by the moon hasta creates their own pathway through their own efforts. By hook or by crook they get what they desire .

Jyestha nakshatra:

In Jyestha nakshatra comes in the prophetic and astrological nature of the natives . Jyestha nakshatra is associated with the 8th house , hence death and through the mahavidya Dhumavati who is also associated with crows , this nakshatra gives grounding, astrological talent to the one with this nakshatra. When the ceremonial rites of a dead person is performed offering food to a crow suggests the offerings being accepted by the dead , which is suggested here with Jyestha being in Scorpio. In tantra crows are seen as potent symbolism of intuition and transformation in various mythologies, crow is seen as transformation as is seen in Jyestha nakshatra.In the lesser key of solomon a crow reaches the art of divinitions and healing properties of crystals . A Jyestha native transforms throughout their lives and gains knowledge to become a spiritual centre of creativity and intuition. They bring in spirituality and astrology as 8th being the origin of astrology, they are potent in magical arts and healing others as well as themselves.

Dhanistha nakshatra :

When in dhanistha can be explained through the story of kakbhushundi , the disciple who turned into a crow in devotion to Rama , the solar avatar of Vishnu, kakbhushundi explores the spritual aspect of the crow , kakbhushundi who recited stories through ramacharitamanas . Dhanistha associated with Hanuman also shows the infinite devotion the crow bird and the natives of dhanistha have towards their adored and admired one , being a symbol of loyalty they are blessed with spiritual powers like kakbhushundi could travel through time and various realms , Dhanistha are blessed with the power to see various perspectives . Dhanistha natives are associated with the celestial form of a crow , the loyalty , the devotion and the spiritual salvation.

Thank you so much for reading, I hope this thread provided you valuable insights, please know that this is based on my understanding and interpretation I'm open to suggestions and corrections

Have a great day / night ahead 🤍

#vedic astrology #sidereal astrology #astrology #astro community #astrology readings #astrology community #krittika #hasta nakshatra #jyestha #pushya nakshatra #dhanistha

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exilethegame · 6 months ago

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As someone who has done an impressive amount of world building, how much of the lore was done before you started writing? I'm unsure when I should stop adding characters and little worldly details and start actually writing it

I'm usually the type of person to just steam roll ahead and make it up as I go! Before writing The Exile, this is what I knew: A.) mythosi are a thing that exist and can be any mythical creature, B.) mythosi can be artificially made, C.) The "potency" of mythosi blood wanes in artificially made mythosi if not used D.) Magic-users exist, and there's some sort of difference between mages and sorcerers but who knows what E.) Vygrand is where magic-users come from F.) Wherever MC comes from does not like magic-users D.) That country is ruled by monarchs

Everything else came after! I don't even think I had Plaithus fleshed out as a country really, nonetheless the political corruption and military-based culture it has. My magic system at the time wasn't even developed. The only characters I had fleshed out were the main cast, but I had no idea MC was even going to be royalty until I actually got to Chapter 2 and was like "you know what would be craaazy?" And then I thought to myself: man what if one of MC's parents was lowkey terrible, and slowly I began to make Marcelle as a character (who is highkey terrible... sorry Marcelle)

I'm a big fan (when it comes to my own work) of just letting things happen as they may. I do everything because "of plot" regardless of if it makes sense, or because it seems cool, and then I force myself to make it make sense. That's how I make lore. Write random, cool things, and then attempt to backtrack and justify it as I go.

That's part of why I really liked sharing some of my writing early-on b/c people would always be like "Well, why does x, y, z happen instead of a, b, c?" and it would force me to hop through mind puzzles to explain why. And, more often than not, there is usually a logical explanation waiting to be found!

After a certain point, however, I end up building such a solid base I then have something big + solid enough to use as a foundation for my world-building. For example, now I actually plot things out very meticulously, but that's only because I went through my "spontaneous, throw things at a wall and see what sticks" phase first!

#answered #writing

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grey-sorcery · 2 months ago

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[Title]: Spellcasting At an Intermediate Level

Related Reading (*Highly recommended)

Basics of Spellcasting Intermediate Gnosis* Energy Work Fundamentals Intermediate Energy Work Advanced Energy Work Energetic Constructs Anchors Basics of Astral Projection Non-Sympathetic Magic (Patreon Exclusive) Threshold Theory Correspondences* Visualization: Effective Implementation* Spell Logs* Taglocks Bias in Witchcraft Magical Potency*

Introduction

So you’ve mastered the basics, Congratulations! Intermediate witchcraft represents a transformative phase in a practitioner's journey, where foundational knowledge is expanded and refined through deeper engagement with esoteric principles. Here, practitioners gain an enhanced understanding of gnosis—the direct, experiential knowledge of magical and spiritual truths—and learn to navigate the intricacies of circumstance, aligning their practices with environmental, social, astrological, and energetic influences. Daily rituals become more nuanced, incorporating diverse components such as consistent mindfulness and complex energy work. New methods of spellcasting emerge, emphasizing the importance of precise spell dictation and meticulous record keeping to track efficacy and refine techniques. Continuous learning is vital, as practitioners explore new magical theories and methods while actively participating in their community. This dynamic interplay of personal development and communal exchange fosters a richer, more sophisticated approach to witchcraft, facilitating both individual growth and collective wisdom.

Gnosis & Circumstance

Gnosis

Gnosis, in the context of magical practice, refers to a profound state of experiential knowledge that transcends ordinary cognition. It is not merely intellectual understanding but a deep, intuitive grasp of the underlying currents that shape reality. Gnosis allows the practitioner to perceive and interact with the subtle energies that permeate the world, enabling the manipulation of these energies for specific outcomes. This state is often achieved through altered states of consciousness, wherein the mind operates differently than the mundane, everyday awareness.

Altered states of consciousness are essential for the acquisition and application of gnosis. These states can be described as a spectrum of mental conditions where normal cognitive processes are suspended, allowing access to layers of reality that are usually obscured by ordinary perception. These states can range from light trances to deep, immersive experiences where the boundaries between the self and the environment dissolve. Such states are not merely a psychological phenomenon but are understood as a means of attuning the practitioner's mind to the frequencies that govern the subtle aspects of existence. The deeper the state of consciousness, the more profound the level of gnosis achieved, and thus, the more potent the magical workings can become.

However, a state of gnosis can be aimed and corralled into a more specific subset of conceptualizations. This technique involves the deliberate construction of intricate thought patterns and networks of ideas that are imbued with the practitioner’s will. These mental networks function as a framework upon which the energies of the spell can be organized and directed.

This practice requires a high level of mental discipline and clarity, as the constructs must be maintained with precision. Any lapse in focus can disrupt the integrity of the mental network, weakening the spell's effectiveness. The process of conceptualization is, therefore, both a mental and energetic act, where the practitioner not only organizes their thoughts but also aligns their energies with the desired outcome.

Circumstance

Circumstance refers to the external factors and conditions that can influence the effectiveness of magical workings. While gnosis is an internal state, circumstance encompasses the external environment, the emotional and energetic states of those involved, and the alignment of time and space. A deep understanding of circumstance allows the practitioner to harmonize their workings with the natural flow of the natural world, enhancing the potency of their magic.

External factors serve as amplifiers or dampeners of the energy that the practitioner seeks to manipulate. When the circumstances align favorably, the energies flow more smoothly, and the desired outcome is more likely to manifest. Conversely, if the circumstances are in opposition to the desired outcome, the practitioner may encounter resistance, making the working less effective or even entirely ineffectual. Several elements constitute the circumstantial factors that can influence magical workings. These include environmental conditions, the emotional and energetic states of those involved, and temporal and celestial alignments.

The environment in which a spell is cast can have a profound impact on its success. Factors such as weather, temperature, and the presence of natural elements can either support or hinder the flow of energy. For instance, a spell cast during a storm may harness the chaotic and powerful energies of the weather, amplifying its effect. On the other hand, trying to cast a spell in a stifling, oppressive environment may drain the practitioner’s energy, reducing the spell’s potency.

The emotional and energetic states of both the practitioner and those nearby are critical components of circumstance. Emotions can generate powerful energetic fields that may influence the outcome of a spell, either positively or negatively. A practitioner in a state of calm, focused determination is more likely to channel energy effectively than one who is distracted or agitated. Similarly, the emotional states of others in the vicinity can also impact the spell. If those nearby are supportive and aligned with the spell’s purpose, their energies can contribute to its success. Conversely, if they are skeptical, fearful, or antagonistic, their negative energies can interfere with the spell, weakening its effect.

Timing is a crucial element in determining the efficacy of spellwork, with astrological alignments and aspects playing a significant role. The positions and interactions of celestial bodies such as the sun, moon, planets, and stars are believed to influence the energies available at any given moment, thereby impacting the success of a spell.

For instance, a conjunction of Venus and Jupiter might be seen as particularly auspicious for rituals involving love and prosperity, as the energies of these planets synergize to amplify such intentions. In contrast, a square aspect between Mars and Saturn might introduce obstacles or resistance, making it an inopportune time for initiating new ventures. Similarly, certain planetary transits, like Mercury retrograde, are often viewed as periods for reflection and review rather than action.

Combining Gnosis and Circumstance for Effective Spellcasting

Combining gnosis and circumstance is essential for effective spellcasting. While gnosis provides the practitioner with the internal focus and control needed to direct subtle energies, circumstance ensures that these energies are aligned with the natural flow of the world. The integration of these two aspects allows the practitioner to cast spells that are both powerful and harmonious with the surrounding environment. The most effective spells are those where gnosis and circumstance are perfectly aligned. In such workings, the practitioner’s internal state is in harmony with the external environment, creating a synergistic effect that amplifies the power of the spell.

To achieve this, the practitioner must carefully prepare both internally and externally. Internally, they must reach a state of gnosis through techniques such as meditation, breathwork, and mental networking. Externally, they must assess and, if necessary, modify the circumstances to align with the desired outcome. This might involve choosing the right time and place for the spell, ensuring that the emotional and energetic states of all involved are aligned, and selecting an environment that supports the working.

The integration of gnosis and circumstance is not a passive process but requires active engagement and awareness. The practitioner must be attuned to both their internal state and the external environment, constantly assessing and adjusting as necessary to ensure optimal alignment. This might involve making small adjustments, such as altering the timing of the spell or choosing a different location, or more significant changes, such as working to shift the emotional or energetic states of those involved in the working. The difficulty lies in the potential to disrupt the state of gnosis by becoming too rigid, or by allowing the mind to wander too far. Oftentimes, gnosis is broken for simple reasons such as: not having incantations memorized, not knowing exactly where tools or objects are located at the time they are to be used, and being interrupted by another person in person or through cell phone notification(s).

In more complex workings, where multiple practitioners are involved, the importance of aligning gnosis and circumstance becomes even more pronounced. Each practitioner must not only achieve their own state of gnosis but must also harmonize their energies with those of the other participants. This requires a high degree of coordination and communication, ensuring that all involved are in a similar state of awareness and that the external circumstances are conducive to the collective working. The coordination of group magic might involve shared meditative practices, synchronized breathwork, or collective rituals that align the energies of all participants. The external circumstances must also be carefully managed, ensuring that the timing, location, and emotional environment are supportive of the collective intention. When all these elements are in alignment, the combined energies of the group can create a powerful and unified force, greatly enhancing the effectiveness of the spell.

Daily Practices

Integrating spellcraft and spellcasting into daily life is a practice that not only elevates mundane routines but also deepens the practitioner's connection with the underlying forces that shape their existence. By weaving magical practices into everyday activities, one can cultivate a continuous awareness of the subtle currents of energy that permeate all aspects of life. This approach to spellcraft emphasizes the importance of consistent engagement and intentional living, enabling practitioners to harness and direct these energies with precision and purpose.

Incorporating simple rituals and spells into daily life does not require elaborate preparations or rarefied tools; instead, it hinges on the practitioner's ability to imbue routine actions with deeper significance. These daily rituals can be as simple as lighting a candle in the morning, stirring a cup of tea, or walking barefoot on the earth. Each of these actions can be transformed into a magical practice through conscious focus, gnosis, and an understanding of the symbolic and energetic dimensions of the act.

Mindfulness & Energy Work

Magical mindfulness involves cultivating a heightened awareness of the present moment, with an emphasis on the subtle energies that surround and influence us. By integrating this awareness into daily activities, practitioners can transform routine tasks into opportunities for magical work.

One way to incorporate magical mindfulness into daily life is through breathwork. Breath is the most immediate and accessible form of life force, and by consciously controlling the breath, practitioners can influence their own energetic state. A simple practice is to take a few moments each day to focus on the breath, breathing deeply and evenly. This can be done during any mundane activity—such as washing dishes, commuting, or walking. By synchronizing the breath with the rhythm of the activity, the practitioner creates a harmonic resonance between their internal and external environments. This practice not only calms the mind and body but also enhances the practitioner’s ability to channel and direct energy.

Another practice that embodies magical mindfulness is the art of visualization through sensory engagement. As the practitioner goes about their day, they can focus on the sensory experiences of their surroundings—textures, colors, sounds, and scents—using these as focal points for meditation and magical work. For example, while washing hands, the practitioner might focus on the sensation of the water flowing over their skin, envisioning it as a cleansing force that washes away negativity. By engaging the senses in this way, the practitioner deepens their connection to the present moment and harnesses the power of sensory perception in their magical practice.

Energy work, too, can be seamlessly integrated into daily life. Practices such as grounding, centering, and warding can be performed at any time, allowing the practitioner to maintain a balanced and protected energy field. But of all the ways to implement energy work into your daily routine, is by practicing each aspect of basic energy work. Below, I’ve listed each of the basic 7 aspects of energy work. This practice is detailed, multi-layered, and sequential in its approach, suggesting that each aspect builds upon the mastery of the previous one. Let us explore each aspect in detail, considering practical implications. It is recommended that each step is done daily, up to what is feasible.

[These practices are further detailed in my Energy Work Fundamentals and Intermediate Energy Work articles.] (See: Related Reading)

1st Aspect: The Act of Resealing

Concept and Practice:

The first aspect involves a technique of energy reclamation and reintegration. When one experiences intense emotions or sensations (such as joy, awe, fear, anger, or beauty), there is a natural release of energy, often physically felt as "goosebumps" or a tingling sensation. This practice instructs the practitioner to become aware of this released energy and to gather it back into their body. The process described involves feeling for external energies, which should feel similar to smoke or fog, which is then drawn back into the body and stored in the Wellsource.

Significance:

The act of resealing is significant because it emphasizes the importance of energy conservation and control. By reclaiming and reintegrating energy, one ensures that their energy is not dissipated into the environment but rather retained for personal use. This practice could be seen as foundational, ensuring that the practitioner maintains a stable and contained energetic field.

Mastery:

Able to absorb energy from any given location on the body.

Able to absorb through an area of any possible given size.

Able to absorb at any given rate of flow

2nd Aspect: The Act of Expansion

Concept and Practice:

This aspect focuses on the expansion of one's energy field beyond the physical body. The practitioner is instructed to first become acutely aware of their skin and the sensations across it. Then, by breathing into their wellsource, they are to expand this energy field outward, extending their awareness beyond their physical form. The exercise is essentially an act of growing one's energetic influence and awareness to encompass the space around them.

Significance:

The release and expansion of energy is crucial for those who wish to interact with the external world on an energetic level. By releasing energy, you can consciously feed projections and constructs into spells or spells into constructs. By expanding one's energy, the practitioner can project their awareness and influence into their surroundings, potentially affecting and interacting with external energies and entities. This practice lays the groundwork for more advanced forms of energetic manipulation.

Mastery:

Able to release energy from any given location on the body.

Able to release through an area of any possible given size.

Able to release at any given rate of flow

Able to expand energetic field and energetic awareness by extension

3rd Aspect: The Act of Form

Concept and Practice:

The third aspect introduces the concept of shaping energy into specific forms. The practitioner is instructed to draw energy from their wellsource into their hands and shape it into a sphere through minute manipulations of their energetic field in tandem with energy being released from their palms, and then into a more complex geometric shape like an octahedron. This exercise involves not just the visualization of the shape as a mould but also the tangible feeling of the energy as it takes form and becomes a distinct entity separate from the practitioner's body or field.

Significance:

Forming energy into shapes is a method of giving structure to one's energetic output. It is a step towards more precise and intentional energy work, where the practitioner can create and manipulate energetic constructs. The ability to give energy form implies control over its properties and purpose, which is vital in any advanced magical practice. Without being able to form energy, a practitioner would be unable to generate energetic constructs.

Mastery:

Able to create and maintain a sphere, octahedron, dodecahedron, tetrahedron, cube, and torus for any given amount of time.

Able to modify the form, but not size, of an object without losing or gaining energy.

4th Aspect: The Act of Density

Concept and Practice:

Here, the practitioner learns to condense their energy into a smaller, denser form. The exercise begins with a sphere of energy, which is then filled with more energy without increasing its size. Eventually, the sphere is condensed to the smallest possible point, concentrating its energy to an extreme degree.

Significance:

Density in energy work is akin to intensity or potency. By mastering this aspect, the practitioner gains the ability to concentrate vast amounts of energy into a small, powerful form. This could have numerous applications, from creating more effective energetic tools or shields to enhancing the impact of energetic or magical work. It also teaches the practitioner the importance of not just quantity of energy, but quality and concentration.

Mastery:

Able to create a form and manipulate its energetic density to any given degree without altering its size or form.

Able to generate hyper-dense energetic constructs at an infinitesimally small size.

5th Aspect: The Act of Precision

Concept and Practice:

Precision involves directing one's energy with pinpoint accuracy. The practitioner starts with their dense, microscopic sphere of energy and transforms it into a sliver, which is then directed toward a specific target. The sliver can be expanded or contracted as needed, but the focus is on the ability to direct this energy with extreme precision.

Significance:

Precision is vital in energy work, especially in applications that require targeted effects, such as healing, protective wards, or the manipulation of specific aspects of reality. By mastering precision, the practitioner ensures that their energy reaches exactly where it is intended, without waste or unintended side effects. This also involves a heightened level of control over one’s energy.

Mastery:

Able to control minute but hyper dense quanta of energy with precision without losing concentration

6th Aspect: The Act of Mitosis

Concept and Practice:

The act of mitosis involves the division of one's energy into multiple identical forms. The practitioner begins with a single sphere of energy, which is then divided into two, and then these two are divided again, continuing until the forms are innumerable. The challenge here is to maintain the energy in each form without losing any of its potency or control.

Significance:

This aspect symbolizes the ability to replicate and distribute one's energy without loss of power or coherence. It could be seen as a metaphor for creating multiple points of influence or for multitasking on an energetic level. The ability to maintain many identical forms of energy suggests a mastery of control and a deep understanding of the nature of energy itself. This skill could be essential in complex rituals, where multiple energetic tasks must be performed simultaneously.

Mastery:

Able to create a simple form and then split it into a minimum of 32 individual units, each with unique paths through space with unique velocities while maintaining size, form, and density of each form.

7th Aspect: The Act of Frequency

Concept and Practice:

The final aspect involves the alteration of the vibrational frequency of one's own energy. The practitioner first creates a spherical form of energy and observes its natural color and vibration. Then, through intent and breath, the practitioner alters this form, changing its color and vibrational quality. The practitioner is encouraged to notice the effects of these changes on their own body and surroundings.

Significance:

Frequency in this context relates to the vibrational quality of energy, which can influence how it interacts with other energies and matter. By mastering frequency, the practitioner can fine-tune their energy to resonate with or counteract other frequencies. This skill is crucial for advanced energy work, where the practitioner needs to align their energy with specific outcomes or harmonize with external forces. This final aspect suggests a culmination of all previous skills, where the practitioner not only controls and shapes their energy but also tunes it to the desired frequency for precise and effective results.

Mastery:

Able to manipulate the qualities of any given quanta of energy to any other desired qualities, without using outside interference to accomplish it.

Integrating the Seven Aspects

The Seven Aspects together form a comprehensive system of energy mastery. Each aspect builds upon the last, leading the practitioner from basic energy reclamation to advanced manipulation of frequency. The journey through the aspects is one of increasing control, precision, and understanding of one's energy and its interaction with the world.

This system emphasizes not just the technical aspects of energy work but also the importance of awareness and intent. Each exercise requires the practitioner to be fully present and conscious of their actions, reinforcing the idea that energy work is not just about power but about mindfulness and deliberate action.

In a broader spiritual or esoteric context, mastering the Seven Aspects could be seen as a path to self-mastery, where control over one's energy equates to control over one's life force, emotions, and interactions with the universe. This path could lead to a heightened state of being, where the practitioner is in harmony with their own energy and the energies of the world around them.

Exploring New Casting Methods

Understanding the Flow and Manipulation of Energy

Energetic magic represents one of the most fundamental aspects of magical practice, revolving around the ability to perceive, harness, and manipulate the subtle currents of energy that permeate all things. At its core, this practice demands sensitivity to these energies, allowing the practitioner to tap into these forces and mold them according to their will. Doing so expands the means through which practitioners can cast spells.

To cast purely energetic magic, one must first recognize that energy is not confined to physical forms or measurable quantities. It exists in a spectrum that ranges from the dense, tangible energies found in material objects to the more elusive, subtle forces that underlie space. This energy can be found in the natural world, within the human body, and even in the abstract connections between entities and ideas. Practitioners of energetic magic learn to perceive these flows, sensing the way energy moves, accumulates, and disperses. This heightened awareness is crucial, as the manipulation of these forces requires a delicate balance of precision and strength.

Astral Magic

Astral magic involves the exploration and manipulation of spatial and non-physical dimensions of existence. Central to this practice is the concept of astral projection, wherein the practitioner consciously separates their awareness from their physical body, enabling them to navigate these unseen realms.

In this state, the practitioner navigates expansive realms of consciousness and environments that elude the physical senses. These experiences are often characterized as intensely vivid and beyond the scope of ordinary reality, with perceptions that surpass conventional sensory limitations. Importantly, such experiences are independent of physical senses, and relying on practices like visualization can actually obstruct the practitioner's efforts. The sensory experience of these non-physical planes defies easy description, leading many practitioners to resort to analogies. While vision might serve as a metaphor for certain energetic perceptions, it falls short in capturing essential elements like dimensionality and scale. Moreover, though spirits may traverse planes accessible to the practitioner, they do not reside within these realms. A key marker of a genuine non-physical experience is the absence of interaction with spirits, particularly the lack of any structured spirit society. The presence of such a concept should immediately raise suspicion, as it suggests personal narrative rather than authentic experience.

During astral projection, a practitioner retains the ability to cast spells with full efficacy. This approach is particularly effective for performing non-sympathetic magic, which does not depend on the use of a taglock or the principles of sympathetic magic. Unlike sympathetic magic, which often requires a physical link to the target, non-sympathetic magic operates independently of such connections. However, it is important to note that this form of spellcasting is most efficiently conducted within our standard spatial dimension, rather than in any extradimensional spaces. The reason for this is that the practitioner needs direct access to their intended target, something that is best achieved within the confines of the physical world.

Attempting to cast in an extradimensional context can introduce complexities that may diminish the spell's effectiveness, as the practitioner's connection to the target becomes less direct and more abstract. While astral projection offers a unique vantage point and can provide valuable insights, the mechanics of casting often require the practitioner to be firmly anchored in their native spatial reality. This ensures that the magical energy is channeled precisely and reaches its intended target without unnecessary distortion or delay. Thus, while astral projection can complement and enhance spellwork, it is most effective when combined with the physical presence required for non-sympathetic magic.

[This practice is further detailed in my Non-Sympathetic Magic article on Patreon.] (See: Related Reading)

Fate Magic

Fate magic, a branch of occult practice that deals with the manipulation of destiny, operates on the belief that the threads of one's life are not entirely fixed, but can be influenced or redirected through magical means. This concept is rooted in the idea that fate is not a singular, unchangeable force, but rather a complex web of possibilities and probabilities, each interconnected and subject to change. This type of working becomes easier to conceptualize if these strings of fate are thought of as having an energetic make up.

In fate magic, the practitioner seeks to understand the underlying patterns and forces that shape their own life and the lives of others. This involves a deep exploration of the concept of destiny, recognizing that while some aspects of life may be predestined or inevitable, others remain fluid and open to influence. The practitioner learns to identify the key moments or decisions that hold the greatest potential for altering the course of fate, and through their magical work, they seek to nudge these moments in the desired direction.

Fate magic opens an interesting discussion of the philosophy of self-determination vs. predetermination, or free-will vs. predetermined action. In my personal experience working with fate in magical practice, I have found that some arguments of both stances resonate true. Especially when multiverse theory is considered.

Techniques for Influencing and Altering Fate

The practitioner must first gain a clear understanding of the current trajectory of events, often through direct experience, visions derived from dreams, and divinatory practices such as cartomancy, cleromancy, or scrying. These methods provide glimpses into the possible futures that lie ahead, allowing the practitioner to identify the points of greatest influence as well as potential paths of least resistance.

Once the practitioner has identified the target, they can employ a variety of techniques to influence fate. One common method involves the use of sympathetic magic, where the practitioner creates a symbolic representation of the desired outcome and then enacts a series of ritual actions designed to bring it into reality. This may involve the use of candles, herbs, or other ritual tools, each chosen for their specific correspondences to the desired outcome.

Another technique involves the direct manipulation of fate strings. In this practice, the practitioner seeks to alter the flow of energy through these strings, either consciously or by severing them through a cord-cutting ritual. The energies within fate strings are complex and difficult to transmute as a whole, but can be gradually adjusted by introducing various energetic compounds. The rate of flow through fate strings is easier to accomplish, however. These practices can be done using visualization as a tool, but not as the practice. Rather, the practitioner needs to affect the string through its connecting point at the Wellsource.

Common examples of Fate-Altering Spells and Rituals

Fate-altering spells and rituals can take many forms, depending on the specific goals and circumstances of the practitioner. Here are a few examples that illustrate the diversity and complexity of fate magic:

- The Web of Fate Ritual (European Paganism): This sympathetic ritual involves creating a physical representation of the interconnectedness of events and choices. The practitioner constructs a web-like structure using threads or cords, each strand symbolizing a different aspect of fate. At the center of the web lies the practitioner’s goal or desired outcome. As the ritual progresses, the practitioner methodically manipulates the strands, symbolically altering the connections between different aspects of fate to guide the overall outcome towards the center. This ritual is particularly useful for complex situations where multiple factors need to be influenced simultaneously.

The Crossroads Spell (African Diaspora): Drawing from traditions that associate crossroads as places of power, this spell seeks to influence a pivotal decision or moment in the practitioner's life. The crossroads are symbolically represented, and the practitioner must meditate on the different paths available to them. Offerings are made to the forces that govern fate, asking for guidance or intervention to ensure that the chosen path leads to the desired outcome. This spell emphasizes the importance of choice and the critical moments that can determine the course of one's life.

The Turning of the Wheel (Wiccan): This spell is designed to influence the cycles and phases of life, often used when the practitioner seeks to end a period of difficulty or initiate a new phase of growth. The "wheel" represents the cycles of time and fate, and the ritual involves the physical turning of a wheel-like object, such as a disk or stone. As the wheel turns, the practitioner focuses on the transition from one phase to another, directing energy to bring about the desired change. This spell is particularly potent during natural transitions, such as solstices, equinoxes, or significant personal milestones.

Evocation, Invocation, and Spirit Contracts

It should be noted that most easily accessible information regarding Invocations and Evocations are from Ceremonial Magick sources, such as Order of The Golden Dawn, Rosicrucianism, and Thelema (Crowley). While these practices exist across many diasporas, these sources are far more published in writing since most other traditions require initiation and/or are passed down orally. These readily available sources derive most of their practices through the gradual evolution of ideas taken from Jewish, Taoist, Arab diasporic, Kemetic, and Hindu traditions combined with interpretations of medieval texts and Gnosticism.

Evocation is the practice of calling forth spirits, deities, or other non-physical entities into the presence of the practitioner. Unlike invocation, which involves inviting an entity to enter the practitioner’s body or consciousness, evocation keeps the entity external, allowing for interaction without direct possession. This distinction is crucial, as it delineates the boundaries of influence and control in the ritual.

The purpose of evocation varies widely, ranging from seeking knowledge or guidance to requesting assistance in magical workings. The practitioner must possess a thorough understanding of the nature of the entity they intend to summon, including its attributes, strengths, weaknesses, and any historical or mythological context that might influence its behavior. This knowledge is essential not only for successful evocation but also for ensuring the safety and efficacy of the ritual.

Preparing for and Conducting Evocation

Preparation for evocation involves several key steps, each designed to create the optimal conditions for summoning the entity and ensuring a controlled interaction. The first step is the purification of the ritual space, which may involve cleansing with incense, salt, or other purifying substances. This process serves to clear any unwanted energies or influences, creating a neutral environment where the entity can manifest without interference.

Next, the practitioner must construct a protective barrier, often in the form of a circle or triangle, to contain the summoned entity and prevent it from acting beyond the confines of the ritual. This barrier is typically created using a combination of symbols, words of power, and energetic techniques, each chosen for their effectiveness in controlling the specific type of entity being evoked. The practitioner must also prepare offerings or sacrifices, depending on the nature of the entity, as a sign of respect and as a means of appeasement.

The actual process of evocation begins with the recitation of a summoning incantation, which may be drawn from traditional grimoires or composed by the practitioner. The incantation serves as a focal point for the practitioner’s will, calling the entity forth from its domain into the physical or mental plane. During this process, the practitioner must maintain a state of heightened awareness and control, as the entity may resist or challenge the summoning. Once the entity has been successfully evoked, the practitioner must engage in dialogue or negotiation, clearly stating their purpose and intentions while being mindful of the entity’s nature and potential responses.

Building Relationships with Entities

While evocation isn't necessary to interact with spirits, successful evocation often leads to ongoing relationships with the summoned entities, particularly if the practitioner intends to work with them regularly. Building a strong relationship with an entity involves mutual respect, trust, and a deep understanding of each other’s needs and capabilities.

One of the primary ways to build such a relationship is through regular offerings and rituals that honor the entity. These acts of devotion demonstrate the practitioner’s commitment and respect, fostering goodwill and cooperation. The practitioner may also seek to learn more about the entity’s preferences, attributes, and history, using this knowledge to tailor their rituals and interactions in ways that are pleasing to the entity.

In some cases, the relationship may evolve into a form of mentorship, where the entity provides the practitioner with guidance, knowledge, or power in exchange for continued offerings or services. These relationships can be highly beneficial, but they require careful management to ensure that the balance of power remains equitable and that the practitioner does not become overly reliant on the entity.

Contractual Considerations and Safety Measures

When working with powerful entities, particularly those of a more complex or dangerous nature, it is often common and necessary to establish formal agreements or contracts. These contracts outline the terms of the relationship, including what the entity will provide, what the practitioner will offer in return, and any limitations or boundaries that must be observed.

Crafting a spirit contract requires precision and clarity. The terms must be explicit and unambiguous, leaving no room for misinterpretation or exploitation. This often involves the use of traditional legalistic language or the incorporation of specific magical terms that bind the entity to the agreement. The contract may be inscribed on parchment, sealed with specific symbols or sigils, and consecrated through ritual actions to ensure its validity.

Safety measures are paramount when engaging in spirit contracts or any form of evocation. The practitioner must be aware of the potential risks, including the possibility of deception, coercion, or retaliation from the entity. Protective measures, such as the use of wards, protective talismans, or the invocation of higher powers for protection, are essential to safeguarding the practitioner and maintaining control over the ritual.

Additionally, the practitioner must be prepared for the possibility that the entity may not honor the terms of the contract or may attempt to renegotiate or alter the agreement. In such cases, the practitioner must remain firm and assertive, using the terms of the contract and their own magical authority to enforce compliance. If necessary, the practitioner should be prepared to banish the entity, using whatever means are appropriate to sever the connection and end the relationship.

Compounding Multiple Elements into a Single Spell

The principle of synergy in magical practices involves the interplay of various energetic elements to achieve a unified effect. This harmony arises when distinct components of a spell complement each other, creating a more potent and cohesive outcome. When diverse elements, such as symbols, actions, or materials, are combined, they interact in a manner that amplifies their collective influence. This can be likened to how a well-orchestrated symphony produces a richer auditory experience than individual instruments played in isolation.

The integration of various methodologies and components into a single spell demands a comprehensive understanding of their individual properties and how they interact. Multidisciplinary integration involves aligning disparate elements, each with its own specific energetic qualities and functions, into a singular operational framework. This process requires an adept grasp of how different magical practices, symbols, or rituals can be interwoven to create a cohesive spell structure.

The psychological and emotional states of the practitioner play a significant role in the efficacy of compounded spells. Emotional resonance and mental clarity can greatly influence how well different components coalesce. For instance, a practitioner’s emotional state might affect how well they can focus and channel their energies. Emotional intensity and psychological readiness can either enhance or hinder the integration of multiple spell elements, making the practitioner’s internal state a crucial factor in the spell’s success.

While harmony is often emphasized, the strategic use of dissonance can also be valuable. Dissonance between components can create dynamic tensions that drive change or transformation. For example, contrasting elements may interact in a way that generates a powerful catalytic effect. This can be seen in situations where opposing energies or conflicting symbols are used deliberately to provoke a desired outcome or to facilitate a significant shift. The key lies in understanding how to manage and direct these tensions to achieve a productive result.

Streamlining Elements into a Unified Conceptualization

A coherent magical framework is essential for the successful execution of a spell involving multiple elements. This framework serves as a blueprint, guiding how each component fits into the overall design. It involves outlining the purpose of each element, determining how they will interact, and establishing a clear sequence of actions. The goal is to ensure that all components work together harmoniously, with each part contributing to the intended outcome without causing conflicts or redundancies. Balancing diverse energies involves ensuring that the various components of a spell do not overshadow each other or cause imbalances. This requires a careful assessment of each element’s energetic properties and how they align with one another. Techniques such as adjustment of proportions, sequencing of actions, and modulation of intensity can help achieve this balance. The aim is to create a spell where the combined energies enhance each other, rather than compete or interfere with one another.

Conflicts and inconsistencies between spell components can undermine the spell’s effectiveness. Identifying and resolving these issues involves analyzing the potential sources of discord, such as conflicting symbolic meanings or contradictory energies. Practitioners must be adept at making adjustments, whether through reconfiguration of components or through the implementation of harmonizing techniques, to ensure that all elements work towards a common goal without causing detrimental effects.

The Benefits and Challenges of Complex Spellwork

Multi-element spells often exhibit enhanced effectiveness due to the combined potency of various components. Each element contributes its unique properties, potentially amplifying the overall impact. The precision of such spells can also be improved as different aspects address specific facets of the intended outcome, allowing for a more targeted approach. The use of multiple elements expands the scope of spellwork, allowing practitioners to address a wider range of issues or goals. This flexibility enables the adaptation of spells to different contexts or requirements, making them more versatile and applicable in diverse situations. By incorporating various techniques and materials, practitioners can tailor their spells to more precisely fit their needs.

One of the primary risks of complex spellwork is overcomplication, which can lead to energy dilution. When too many elements are incorporated without careful planning, the spell may become convoluted, with the energies becoming scattered rather than focused. This can result in diminished effectiveness or even failure of the spell.

The complexity of multi-element spells introduces a higher risk of unintended consequences. The interaction of various components can produce unexpected results, particularly if the energies are not properly balanced or if there are conflicts between elements. Practitioners must be vigilant in anticipating and managing these potential issues to avoid adverse outcomes.

Compounding multiple elements into a spell necessitates a high level of skill and knowledge. Practitioners must possess a deep understanding of each component’s properties and how they interact. This requires advanced training and experience, as well as the ability to manage complex energetic dynamics effectively.

Planning and Preparation

Each component of a spell possesses distinct properties and associations that influence its role within the spell. Assessing these properties involves understanding how each element contributes to the overall energetic structure. This includes evaluating the symbolic meanings, energetic qualities, and practical applications of each component.

Evaluating the purpose and alignment of spell components involves ensuring that each element serves the intended function and aligns with the overall goal. This includes assessing how components will interact with each other and how their properties contribute to the desired outcome. Consistency in purpose and alignment is crucial for achieving a coherent and effective spell.

Structuring a Multi-Faceted Spell

Developing a structured plan involves identifying and establishing the core components of the spell. These components form the foundation of the spell’s structure and include the primary elements that will drive its effectiveness. Each core component must be carefully selected based on its role and contribution to the overall goal.

The sequence and timing of spell components are critical to the spell’s success. Determining how and when each element will be introduced or activated ensures that the spell progresses in a coherent and orderly manner. Proper sequencing helps maintain focus and alignment, preventing disruptions or conflicts.

Integrating multiple techniques involves blending various magical systems or methodologies to create a unified approach. This may include combining different ritual practices, symbolic systems, or energetic techniques. The challenge lies in harmonizing these systems so that they complement rather than contradict each other.

Utilizing varied ritual actions involves incorporating diverse techniques and actions into the spell. This may include a combination of physical actions, verbal invocations, and mental focus. The goal is to create a dynamic and multi-faceted approach that enhances the spell’s effectiveness through diverse means.

Designing the ritual space and atmosphere involves creating an environment conducive to the spell’s success. This includes setting up physical space, arranging ritual tools, and establishing the desired ambiance. A well-designed ritual space supports the practitioner’s focus and facilitates the flow of energy.

Coordinating multiple ritual elements involves ensuring that all aspects of the ritual work together harmoniously. This includes synchronizing the timing, actions, and focus of each element to maintain a cohesive and effective ritual process. Coordination helps prevent disruptions and ensures that the spell’s components function in concert.

Execution and Follow-Up

Preparing the ritual space involves arranging the physical environment to support the spell’s execution. This includes setting up the ritual tools, creating a clean and organized space, and ensuring that the area is free from distractions or disruptions. The physical setup should reflect the nature of the spell and facilitate the practitioner’s focus and engagement.

Creating energetic boundaries involves establishing a protective and supportive field around the ritual space. This can be achieved through various methods, such as casting a circle, invoking protective forces, or using symbolic barriers. Energetic boundaries help contain the spell’s energies, prevent interference, and create a focused environment for the ritual.

Grounding and centering are preliminary rituals that prepare the practitioner for effective spellcasting. Grounding involves establishing a connection with the earth to draw stability and balance, while centering focuses on aligning the practitioner’s internal energies. These practices help the practitioner achieve a state of readiness, enhancing their ability to direct their energies and maintain focus during the spell.

Invoking protective and empowering forces involves calling upon energies or entities that support and safeguard the spell. This can include invoking deities, spirits, or elemental forces, depending on the practitioner’s tradition and preferences. The purpose is to create a supportive and secure environment that enhances the spell’s effectiveness and protects against potential negative influences.

Following the pre-defined sequence involves executing the spell according to the established plan and timing. This includes performing each action or step in the prescribed order to ensure that the energies and components interact as intended. Adhering to the sequence helps maintain the integrity of the spell and ensures that all elements contribute to the desired outcome.

Monitoring energy flow involves observing the dynamic interactions of the spell’s components and making any necessary adjustments. This may include adjusting the intensity, direction, or focus of the energies as needed. Being attuned to the flow of energy allows the practitioner to respond to any changes or issues that arise during the spellcasting process.

Observing immediate outcomes involves paying attention to any changes or reactions that occur as a result of the spell. This includes noting any shifts in energy, alterations in circumstances, or responses from individuals or entities involved. Recording these observations helps assess the initial impact of the spell and provides insights into its effectiveness.

Recording sensory and emotional responses involves documenting the practitioner’s experiences and feelings during and after the spell. This can provide valuable information about the spell’s impact and effectiveness. Sensory responses, such as changes in temperature or perception, as well as emotional reactions, can offer clues about the spell’s success and any adjustments that may be needed.

Analyzing Long-Term Effects

Analyzing long-term effects involves assessing the spell’s success in achieving its intended goals. This includes evaluating the overall impact, comparing the results with the desired outcomes, and determining whether the spell met its objectives. Long-term evaluation helps gauge the effectiveness of the spell and provides insights for future practices.

Identifying patterns and trends involves analyzing any recurring effects or outcomes that emerge over time. This can include observing consistent results, noting any trends in the spell’s effectiveness, or recognizing patterns in the response to different components. Identifying these patterns helps refine future spellwork and enhance overall efficacy.

Gathering feedback through self-reflection involves evaluating the practitioner’s own experiences and insights regarding the spell. This includes analyzing personal observations, feelings, and reactions to the spell’s outcomes. Self-reflection helps the practitioner understand their role in the spell’s success and identify areas for improvement.

Seeking external perspectives involves obtaining feedback from others who may have been involved in or observed the spell. This can include consulting with fellow practitioners, mentors, or individuals affected by the spell. External perspectives can provide additional insights and contribute to a more comprehensive understanding of the spell’s impact.

Adjusting and Refining Techniques for Future Spells

Analyzing challenges and failures involves reviewing any difficulties or shortcomings encountered during the spell. Identifying areas of improvement requires assessing what went wrong, understanding the causes of any issues, and determining how to address these problems in future practices. This process helps enhance the practitioner’s skills and refine their techniques.

Learning from mistakes and successes involves reflecting on both positive and negative outcomes to gain insights and knowledge. Understanding what contributed to the spell’s success or failure provides valuable lessons that can be applied to future spellwork. This continuous learning process helps improve the effectiveness of magical practices over time.

Refining methods and approaches involves updating ritual techniques based on the insights gained from previous experiences. This may include adjusting specific actions, modifying the sequence of steps, or incorporating new practices to enhance effectiveness. Regular updates and refinements ensure that the practitioner’s techniques remain relevant and effective.

Enhancing elemental integration involves improving how different components and energies are combined within a spell. This includes optimizing the alignment of various elements, refining the balance between them, and ensuring that they work together harmoniously. Enhanced integration leads to more effective and cohesive spellwork.

Keeping a magical journal involves documenting detailed records of each spell, including the components used, the process followed, and the outcomes observed. A well-maintained journal serves as a valuable resource for tracking progress, identifying trends, and making informed adjustments to future practices.

Revising ritual frameworks and techniques involves periodically reviewing and updating the methods and approaches used in spellwork. This includes making adjustments based on documented experiences, feedback, and new insights. Regular revisions ensure that the practitioner’s practices remain effective and aligned with their goals.

Troubleshooting and Refining Your Practice

In the practice of magic, encountering instances where desired outcomes are not achieved is a common occurrence. Analyzing these failures is crucial to improving one's craft. Several factors may contribute to the ineffectiveness of magical operations, and understanding these can provide pathways to enhancement.

One prevalent reason for the failure of magical workings is a misalignment between the practitioner's energy and the specific nature of the spell. This misalignment may arise from insufficient preparation or a lack of synchronization between the practitioner's focus and the intended outcome. For instance, if a practitioner’s mental state is fragmented or their energy is dispersed, the spell's efficacy may be compromised.

Another common issue is the improper use or placement of symbolic elements. In magical practices, the symbolic representation of objects plays a significant role. If the chosen symbols or materials are not appropriately connected to the intended effect, the spell's potency can be diminished. This misalignment could be due to a misunderstanding of the properties or significance of the objects used. Inadequate ritual structure is another factor that may contribute to unsuccessful magical operations. Rituals often involve complex steps that must be meticulously followed. Omitting or inaccurately performing key elements of the ritual can lead to a lack of coherence and, consequently, a failure to manifest the desired result.

Environmental factors also play a crucial role in the success of magical workings. Factors such as ambient energy, environmental disturbances, or conflicting energies can impede the effectiveness of a spell. Practitioners must consider these elements and ensure that their environment is conducive to their magical efforts.

Techniques for Diagnosing and Correcting Issues

To address the issues causing spell failures, practitioners can employ several diagnostic and corrective techniques. One effective method is to perform a thorough post-operation analysis. This involves reviewing each step of the spell, from preparation through execution, to identify any deviations or discrepancies. Reflecting on the process helps pinpoint areas that may need adjustment.

Another technique is to engage in self-assessment and introspection. Practitioners should evaluate their mental and emotional states during the spellcasting process. Ensuring that one’s focus is unwavering and that emotional disturbances are minimized can significantly impact the outcome. Techniques such as meditation or grounding exercises may help stabilize one's energy and enhance concentration. Additionally, reviewing and refining the use of symbolic elements is essential. Practitioners should reassess the significance of the objects and symbols used in the spell. Ensuring that these elements are correctly aligned with the intended outcome can enhance their efficacy. Adjustments might involve selecting different symbols or materials that more accurately represent the desired effect.

Environmental considerations are also crucial. Practitioners should assess the surroundings for any factors that might interfere with the spell, such as external noise or disruptions. Creating a controlled and harmonious environment can help mitigate these issues and support the spell's success.

Adjusting Your Techniques

Experience is a valuable teacher in magical practices. As practitioners accumulate knowledge and insights from their experiences, they should continuously adapt and refine their techniques. This iterative process involves adjusting methods based on observed results and integrating new understanding into practice.

Adapting techniques requires flexibility and openness to change. Practitioners should be willing to experiment with different approaches and adjust their rituals and methods accordingly. This may involve altering the components of a spell, modifying the ritual structure, or employing new techniques for energy manipulation. By experimenting and observing the outcomes, practitioners can discover more effective methods tailored to their individual practices.

Refining techniques also involves incorporating lessons learned from both successful and unsuccessful spells. Analyzing what worked well and what did not provides valuable insights for future practices. Practitioners should document their experiences and outcomes to build a comprehensive understanding of their methods and refine their approach over time.

Learning from successes and failures is integral to the development of magical proficiency. Successes provide valuable feedback on what elements and techniques were effective. Practitioners should analyze successful spells to identify the factors that contributed to their efficacy. This includes evaluating the preparation, execution, and symbolic elements involved. Failures, while often discouraging, offer equally important lessons. Analyzing unsuccessful spells helps practitioners understand what went wrong and what changes need to be made. It is crucial to approach failures with a constructive mindset, viewing them as opportunities for growth rather than setbacks. By examining the causes of failure and making necessary adjustments, practitioners can enhance their skills and increase the likelihood of future successes.

Building a Knowledge Base

Building a knowledge base involves gathering and synthesizing information from a variety of sources. Practitioners should engage in continuous learning to expand their understanding of magical principles and techniques. This can include studying historical practices, exploring different cultural approaches, and learning from contemporary sources. Practitioners may also benefit from developing a personal compendium of insights gained from their experiences. This may involve keeping detailed records of spells, rituals, and their outcomes. By reviewing and analyzing this compendium, practitioners can track their progress, identify patterns, and refine their methods.

Finding trusted mentors and seeking peer support can greatly enhance a practitioner’s development. Mentors, with their experience and expertise, can provide valuable guidance and feedback. They can help practitioners navigate challenges, refine techniques, and broaden their understanding of magical practices. Internet mentorships within the witchcraft community can present significant dangers, particularly the potential for predatory power structures. The anonymity and lack of accountability inherent in online interactions can enable manipulative individuals to exploit newcomers' vulnerabilities. These so-called mentors may position themselves as gatekeepers of esoteric knowledge, using their perceived authority to control, coerce, or even abuse those seeking guidance. Without the safeguards of face-to-face interactions and established communal oversight, it becomes challenging to discern the intentions of such mentors. Additionally, the rapid spread of misinformation and dogma, often presented as ancient wisdom, can lead to harmful practices and unhealthy dynamics. The power imbalance between a mentor and a mentee can foster dependency, stifling personal growth and autonomy. Thus, it is crucial for practitioners to approach online mentorships with caution, seek multiple perspectives, and prioritize their own discernment and well-being over blind adherence to any one figure's teachings.

Peer support is also beneficial. Engaging with a community of practitioners allows for the exchange of ideas, experiences, and insights. This collaborative environment fosters learning and growth, as practitioners can share their successes, failures, and techniques. Participation in discussions, workshops, and group practices can provide additional perspectives and support.

Books, online forums, and workshops are valuable resources for practitioners seeking to deepen their knowledge and refine their practices. Books offer in-depth exploration of magical principles, techniques, and historical contexts. They can provide a comprehensive foundation for understanding and practice. Online forums and communities provide platforms for discussion, exchange of ideas, and feedback. Practitioners can connect with others, ask questions, and share experiences. Engaging in these forums can provide practical advice, support, and alternative perspectives. Workshops and seminars offer opportunities for hands-on learning and direct instruction. It must also be said that written media, regardless of source is guaranteed to have some bias, mostly found throughout the publisher. Be sure to bear biases in mind when using books or online media as a reference and take active notes on it. Attending workshops allows practitioners to learn from experienced teachers, engage in practical exercises, and gain new insights. Workshops also facilitate networking and collaboration with other practitioners.

Maintaining Efficacy Standards

As practitioners progress to more advanced levels of spellcasting, maintaining high efficacy standards becomes increasingly important. Advanced spellcasting involves complex techniques, nuanced understanding of energy dynamics, and precise execution. Practitioners must ensure that their methods are refined and that they adhere to rigorous standards of practice. Considerations for advanced spellcasting include a deep understanding of the interplay between different magical components. Practitioners must be adept at manipulating various forms of energy and integrating them effectively. This requires not only technical skill but also a heightened level of awareness and control. Ethical considerations also play a significant role in advanced spellcasting. Practitioners must be mindful of the potential consequences of their actions and ensure that their practices are aligned with responsible and ethical standards. This includes respecting the autonomy of others, avoiding harmful effects, and practicing with integrity. Responsible and effective practice is fundamental to the success and integrity of magical work. Practitioners should approach their work with a sense of responsibility, ensuring that their actions are well-considered and that they respect the broader implications of their practices.

Effective practice involves maintaining clarity of purpose, rigorous preparation, and precise execution. Practitioners should continuously refine their techniques and strive for excellence in their work. This includes regularly reviewing and updating their methods, seeking feedback, and remaining open to learning and growth. Responsible practice also entails maintaining a balanced perspective and avoiding over-reliance on magical techniques. Practitioners should integrate their magical work with practical actions and consider the broader context in which they operate. This holistic approach ensures that magical practices are grounded in a comprehensive and ethical framework.

Expanding Your Magical Horizons

Expanding one's understanding of magic necessitates an examination of practices across a variety of cultures. To this end, conducting thorough research is essential. This involves immersing oneself in the historical and contemporary contexts of different traditions. Each culture offers a unique perspective on magical practices, reflecting its values, cosmology, and societal norms. Engaging with primary sources such as ancient texts, folklore, and anthropological studies provides a foundational understanding. Secondary sources, including academic papers and interpretations by contemporary scholars, further contextualize these practices.

Incorporating elements from diverse traditions involves more than superficial adoption. It requires a nuanced approach, respecting the integrity and origins of each practice. For instance, the integration of practices from Indigenous cultures necessitates an awareness of the cultural significance and historical context behind them. Misappropriation, where elements are taken out of context or used without understanding, can undermine the tradition and disrespect its practitioners. Effective integration involves adapting these practices in a manner that aligns with one's existing framework of magical practice. This means translating principles and techniques in ways that harmonize with one's own methodologies while honoring their original contexts. Practitioners must be attentive to the ethical dimensions of this integration, ensuring that their approach does not trivialize or commercialize sacred traditions.

Continuous Learning and Development

The field of magical practice is dynamic and constantly evolving. Staying informed about the latest developments is essential for maintaining a relevant and effective practice. This involves regularly reading recent publications, attending conferences, and participating in online forums or discussion groups. Keeping abreast of new research and discoveries allows practitioners to incorporate contemporary insights into their work. Innovations in magical theory, advancements in ritual techniques, and emerging cultural influences can all impact and enhance one’s practice. Engaging with current literature and scholarship ensures that one’s practice remains vibrant and responsive to new ideas. Additionally, staying updated involves critically evaluating new information and integrating it thoughtfully. Not every development will be applicable or beneficial, so discernment is necessary to determine which insights align with one's goals and methodologies. This ongoing evaluation helps in refining and evolving one's magical practice over time.

A commitment to lifelong learning is fundamental for continuous growth as a practitioner. This dedication involves embracing the idea that magical practice is an evolving journey rather than a static destination. Regularly setting aside time for study, reflection, and experimentation fosters ongoing development. Participating in advanced training, mentorship programs, or specialized courses can further enhance one's skills and knowledge. Seeking guidance from experienced practitioners and engaging in mentorship relationships provide opportunities for personalized growth and deeper understanding. Lifelong learning also entails cultivating an attitude of curiosity and openness. Exploring new areas of study, experimenting with unfamiliar techniques, and challenging one’s assumptions contribute to a richer and more nuanced practice. This proactive approach to learning ensures that one remains engaged and inspired throughout their magical journey.

Recording and Reflecting on Your Journey

Keeping a detailed journal is a valuable practice for documenting one's magical journey. A journal serves as a repository for insights, observations, and progress, providing a record of experiences and lessons learned. Regular entries can track the evolution of one’s practice, highlight successful techniques, and identify areas for improvement. Documenting rituals, spells, and magical work allows practitioners to analyze their effectiveness and make necessary adjustments. Notes on personal reactions, environmental factors, and outcomes contribute to a deeper understanding of how different elements influence magical practices. Over time, this accumulated knowledge can lead to more refined and effective approaches. Additionally, a magical journal can serve as a tool for reflection and growth. Reviewing past entries helps practitioners recognize patterns, assess their development, and set future goals. This reflective process enhances self-awareness and facilitates the ongoing refinement of one’s practice.

Reflection is a critical component of personal and professional growth in magical practice. Regularly assessing one’s experiences, successes, and challenges provides valuable insights into one’s progress and areas for development. This introspective process helps practitioners understand how their practices align with their goals and values. Evolving as a practitioner involves integrating these reflections into one’s ongoing work. This means adapting practices based on insights gained, experimenting with new techniques, and continually striving for improvement. Embracing change and flexibility ensures that one’s practice remains dynamic and responsive to personal growth.

Engaging in reflective practices also fosters a deeper connection with one’s magical work. By understanding the broader implications of their practices and their impact on personal development, practitioners can cultivate a more meaningful and purposeful approach to magic. This ongoing process of reflection and evolution is key to achieving long-term success and fulfillment in the magical arts.

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