#[ because people keep dying around her- friends- family-loved ones and she can't.. make it.. STOP ]

[coldjustness-archive]

OKAY CAN I JUST TALK ABOUT HOW NEVE AND HARDING ARE BOTH GRIEVING VARRIC AT THE START???? And the fact that we don't catch Neve in her emotions over it just reflects how she reacts to grief. I was remembering someone suggesting that one of the reasons why she tells Rook about Brom and the guilt that tears her up, and takes them to that vigil wall for the dead was because she thought she and Rook could both use it FOR Varric as well? She was trying to get them to open up about it and didn't push because she knows how to deal with people in grief and you can't MAKE them talk about these things (tragically we know how that turned out.)

NOT THE POINT.

It got me thinking about Neve and Varric as friends, years and years spent writing letters back and forth, that long journey that was spent chasing Solas (that yes touches in both comic books and the actual books themselves), and I got to thinking on the casual touch thing I just mentioned and yes this would have absolutely applied to him as well especially if being friends for years and years like you find out in the comics.

Varric and Neve, spending several nights on said journey just writing in their respective journals or letters, or she's writing for a case and he's writing for a book, with nothing but candlelight and drink shared between them both, and the occasional quip and smile exchanged.

Varric and Neve, writing letters and both having nicknames for one another. We learn he called her slick, but she never talks about what she called him because it's still hurts.

Neve, now picking up the full time habit of making nicknames for people as a way to honor Varric.

Varric and Neve, him bumping her shoulder with HIS hand when he lands a damn good joke or reference when he knows she will get it.

Neve, sitting in the same spot she sat on in the Missing, Volume 4, when both Harding and Varric are gone - sadly watching the door - aching for friends who are now gone. And lifting her big wooden mug as she takes a drink of it, resting her elbows on the table in the same way she did then and sighing. Trying not to cry as she for one second, imagines that any time, they will be walking in - alive and well, and calling after her so she can jokingly call/reference Varric - the Viscount of Kirkwall.

Neve, not talking about the metal box that holds the letters she's received from Varric (and soon the one made for Harding after). Tucked away, with the things she will not look at - not yet.

[iwillnotdieamonster]

"This is a beautiful letter from Fiona Apple explaining to her fans why she must postpone a concert date. I am impressed at the way she was instantly able to make the decision to choose love over her career. Indeed, the world needs more of this.

It's 6pm on Friday, and I'm writing to a few thousand friends I have not met yet. I'm writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.

Here's the thing.

I have a dog, Janet, and she's been ill for about 2 years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She's almost 14 years old now. I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then — an adult, officially — and she was my kid.

She is a pitbull, and was found in Echo Park, with a rope around her neck, and bites all over her ears and face.

She was the one the dogfighters use to puff up the confidence of the contenders.

She's almost 14 and I've never seen her start a fight, or bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She's a pacifist.

Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact. We've lived in numerous houses, and joined a few makeshift families, but it's always really been just the two of us.

She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.

She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me, all the time we recorded the last album.

The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she's used to me being gone for a few weeks, every 6 or 7 years.

She has Addison's Disease, which makes it more dangerous for her to travel, since she needs regular injections of Cortisol, because she reacts to stress and excitement without the physiological tools which keep most of us from literally panicking to death.

Despite all this, she's effortlessly joyful & playful, and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago. She is my best friend, and my mother, and my daughter, my benefactor, and she's the one who taught me what love is.

I can't come to South America. Not now. When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference.

She doesn't even want to go for walks anymore.

I know that she's not sad about aging or dying. Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That's why they are so much more present than people.

But I know she is coming close to the time where she will stop being a dog, and start instead to be part of everything. She'll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.

I just can't leave her now, please understand. If I go away again, I'm afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.

Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes just to decide what socks to wear to bed.

But this decision is instant.

These are the choices we make, which define us. I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love & friendship.

I am the woman who stays home, baking Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend. And helps her be comfortable & comforted & safe & important.

Many of us these days, we dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life that keeps us feeling terrified & alone. I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time. I know that I will feel the most overwhelming knowledge of her, and of her life and of my love for her, in the last moments.

I need to do my damnedest, to be there for that.

Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.

When she dies.

So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and I am revelling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel. And I'm asking for your blessing.

I'll be seeing you.

Love,

Fiona"

Credit goes to the respective owners.

[bigforeheadbaddie]

Fiona Apple when she has to opt out of performing for personal reasons:

“It's 6pm on Friday, and I'm writing to a few thousand friends I have not met yet.

I am writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.

Here's the thing.

I have a dog Janet, and she's been ill for almost two years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She's almost 14 years old now.I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then ,an adult officially – and she was my child.

She is a pitbull, and was found in Echo Park, with a rope around her neck, and bites all over her ears and face.

She was the one the dogfighters use to puff up the confidence of the contenders.

She's almost 14 and I've never seen her start a fight ,or bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She's a pacifist.

Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact.

We've lived in numerous houses, and jumped a few make shift families, but it's always really been the two of us.

She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.

She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me all the time we recorded the last album.

The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she's used to me being gone for a few weeks every 6 or 7 years.

She has Addison's Disease, which makes it dangerous for her to travel since she needs regular injections of Cortisol, because she reacts to stress and to excitement without the physiological tools which keep most of us from literally panicking to death.

Despite all of this, she's effortlessly joyful and playful, and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago.

She's my best friend and my mother and my daughter, my benefactor, and she's the one who taught me what love is.

I can't come to South America. Not now.

When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference

She doesn't even want to go for walks anymore.

I know that she's not sad about aging or dying. Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That's why they are so much more present than people.

But I know that she is coming close to point where she will stop being a dog, and instead, be part of everything. She'll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.

I just can't leave her now, please understand.

If I go away again, I'm afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.

Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to pick which socks to wear to bed.

But this decision is instant.

These are the choices we make, which define us.

I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love and friendship.

I am the woman who stays home and bakes Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend.

And helps her be comfortable, and comforted, and safe, and important.

Many of us these days, we dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life, that keeps us feeling terrified and alone.

I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time.

I know that I will feel the most overwhelming knowledge of her, and of her life and of my love for her, in the last moments.

I need to do my damnedest to be there for that.

Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.

When she dies.

So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and reveling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel.

And I am asking for your blessing.I'll be seeing you.

Love, Fiona”

———————————————————————

Chappell Roan when she gets flamed on the internet for claiming to have done her research and then promptly mispronounces the current Vice President’s (very simple) name:

[thegreenthepeacetheorange]

Everlark (Mockingjay, Ch. 6-9)

when the group are going around thinking of moments from katniss that moved them, "love for peeta" is one of them. important because the list of things are all things where katniss was herself. her choices, her decisions, herself shining through. and loving peeta is one of them.

something so completely heart-wrenching about katniss and haymitch blaming both each other and their own selves for not saving peeta. him not rescuing peeta and her letting him out of her sight that night. it's one of my favourite moments between them, even though it is so painful. them teaming up again, to save peeta.

(an aside, how poor ill finnick can still make katniss laugh)

i cackle every time at "gale does look striking in the uniform, i guess" - katniss you were so wrong for that

just gonna go back to what i said in this post about katniss in CF thinking of gale as rebellion and peeta as the capitol's design and failing to fundamentally understand how actually her and peeta's love for each other is a driving force in the rebellion because we see it here in this chapter. the people of 8 ask about peeta, assure her that they know he was asking for a ceasefire under duress, ask about the baby, about their future. and this time katniss knows that to tell them all it was a lie now would damage "the cause." because people in the districts believe in them and their relationship. it means just as much to the people in the districts as it is entertainment for the capitol.

katniss's shock at seeing peeta damaged. she looks so intently at him. searching his face for clues and answers every time she sees him now

finnick protecting katniss and peeta. he's such a big brother

i'm guessing katniss's "unspeakable nightmares" are mostly about what's happening to peeta

she knows gale is keeping things from her. the cracks in their friendship continue to widen. the frostiness between them is a lot. katniss is actually furious with him

katniss just clutching the pearl during the night when she can't sleep. trying to hold onto the boy that drives away her nightmares

she feels so much distress and guilt over peeta. like that is so much for her to take on herself. her feeling like she's failing to protect him and racking her brains on how she could is too much

"i do feel sick. heartsick" - another instance of katniss telling us she loves peeta without saying it outright

her remembering peeta telling her when he first 'fell' for her when she sang and the birds stopped to listen (and how this makes her just like her dad) is a cute, heartbreaking little detail.

i'm gonna make a separate post about what she says about her relationship to gale in chapter 8 because oof

it's crazy that while all this is going on and while peeta is literally being tortured in the capitol, gale is like 'still waiting on an answer from you' - my guy, people are dying, peeta is suffering! now is not the time

ugh, he makes her feel so horrible.

finnick holding katniss's hand when they see peeta again. finnick is really the friend that katniss thinks gale is.

the way everyone else is cheering but katniss, finnick and haymitch are frozen in fear and pain. chosen family for real

the fact that they've clearly started hijacking peeta and it's taking effect but he is still able to break out of it to try to save her by giving her that warning. i can't. that boy fought so much for her.

peeta's cry of pain and his blood splattering on the camera lens is actually horror material. horror.

[docholligay]

OKay I know this is an old fic, and also, bless you for going through all these it has been a really lovely and wonderful pick me up, but also:

YES.

I do not think Lena is winning any personal behavior awards with this one, but she is also not wrong. People do, in fact, drop people who are dying long before they die. I have seen it with my own two eyes. People bury you long before you are dead, so not only are you dying, but you're fucking lonely the whole the time.

And she would have some memory of that! Because, her mother got sick and died! She would remember, even at the edges, that people stopped calling and coming around. We can argue all day that she should have more faith in her family and her friends, but hard to argue some noble, aspirational belief in the face of what you've seen happen before.

I can't say that I wouldn't do the same thing as Lena in her case! How long can I keep it from everyone, so they just treat me like a normal fucking person?

Don't get me, wrong: I, the God of this universe, do not endorse her behavior. But I think it is VERY understandable, and and that's what makes it fun! She has a point, EVEN as she is doing something that is borderline cruel to everyone she loves. This are the things I enjoy.

Back to your regularly schedule program.

[guess-that-ship]

S10 Round 1

Dog and Cat

[This description has been modified for formatting reasons.]

Dog is a troubled supernatural teen trapped by a curse from his ex over a misunderstanding. Cat is the reincarnation of Dog's ex from another world who ends up stumbling into Dog's world completely by accident. Unfortunately for Cat, she possesses a power coveted by supernatural entities.

She is on the run from one such entity when she is chased straight into where Dog is trapped by the curse. He promises to save her from what's chasing her, and so, despite her friends warnings that Dog is dangerous, Cat frees Dog. He does indeed save her from the monster, only to immediately try to seize her power himself, determined to never let anyone hurt him the way his ex did.

In her struggle to survive Dog's attacks, Cat accidentally creates a magical bond between the two which prevents him from being able to harm her.

The two end up journeying together, first to keep Cat's power out of evil hands, then later to save the world from a power hungry demon. Along the way they fight like- well, like cats and dogs. Always bickering and getting in petty arguments with each other. But their true affection for one another is revealed not only through times when each throws their life on the line to save the other again and again, but also in tender, quiet moments where they are emotionally vulnerable with each other in a way they can't be around anyone else.

After defeating the power hungry demon once and for all, they end up separated, with him in his world and her in hers, the portal seemingly permanently closed. Neither of them gives up though, and a few years later, Cat gets an unexpected chance to go to Dog's world one final time. After swiftly bidding her family goodbye, Cat flings herself through the gateway and is reunited with Dog in his world, where they get married and start a family.

the path

cw: major spoilers, child death

In every life, every incarnation, every version of Green and Black will find each other and love each other, but it hasn't always been easy. Green was desperate for adventure. Black was afraid to let anyone close for fear of hurting more people than she already has. Green refused to be pushed away, and soon their lives and hearts become intertwined. They have adventures together. They share the trials and tribulations of normal life--misuse of personal items, beating back handsy fellas, making and losing friends and loved ones together. When one dies, the other stops at nothing to bring them back.

Black helps Green learn to fight over the years. Black would do anything to save Green, and Green would do anything to save Black from harm and her own worst impulses. Black fights an army while Green is dying because Green begs her to prevent an invasion. Later, Green and Black both lose their children and blame the other for it, even up to attempted murder, but they work through the lies and anger and recommit to each other.

They have another child together. They die together and come back together. They see future lives they share. Reincarnations where they are together. Black loses her memory and regains it when she kisses Green. They have a friend who's obsessed with both of them, but they only have eyes for each other. In the end, Black's dark past catches up to her, and Green is forced to let her go for good this time, but she's strong enough to be on her own--and Black's spirit stays with her everywhere she goes.

[kerubimcrepin]

Episode 9: The Legendary Unikron

The post where I finally make the naming format of this blog more sane

This is the same place as the one, where in the episode "Heads for no Tails" it will be revealed that Kerubim obtained the legendary, life-draining Heads for no Tails restraint while pissdrunk. Y'know. The one meant for an Ondine created by Djaul to trick the dragon Aguabrial into creating a Dofus.

Yeah, I will not think too much about the fact that it is flipped. To me, they're The Same Place. I guess he's been drinking here for decades. Kind of cute.

And yeah I guess it means the Ondine named Ondine, from the episode Like a Snapper in the Water is literally just named "Siren the Siren". I guess her mermaid parents weren't very creative. I'll mention this when I liveblog that episode too, but I would feel bad, if I didn't mention this here too.

We will talk about my feelings on Kerubim leaving the legendary demon-killing life-draining shackles somewhere Joris, in his shelf-climbing corridor-running wisdom, could reach, later.

We'll get there when we get there.

Glad to know there's a reason Kerubim and Joris live in a bad neighborhood. And that reason is that Kerubim wouldn't be tolerated anywhere else.

Love his scary and off-putting behaviours.

Okay, rant incoming:

Firstly, this is a customary french drink bowl, to stop any wondering from the non-french aware readers. It's normal for French people to drink coffee, milk, and tea from a bowl, soup-style, in the morning and in the evening. So this part is normal.

Now onto more sillywhacky part of this: What the fuck is Joris doing here, exactly?

As we can see, his Bowl of Liquid is steaming even before he starts pouring the chocolate milk into it. Is he adding chocolate milk to hot milk? Is he adding chocolate milk to cocoa or hot chocolate? (I will fight people who don't differentiate between them, they're two different things, you heathens.)

Is he, mayhaps, adding it... to tea?

We will never know, yet the question is haunting.

Interestingly, it seems that one of Simone's jobs around the house is polishing swords. Also, her being here so late means that, quite predictably, she is a live-in maid.

(You can see that like, 50% of this blog is me paying to random details that could only be useful in like, extremely faithful fanfiction, and 50% getting whacky with this show's storytelling.)

I love Simone so, so much. Truly, she is Joris's cooler aunt.

No comment besides this image.

Joking. I do have a comment, actually. Imagine me putting on a tinfoil hat here, btw.

I think it's kinda telling that Joris's main fear, the one that re-occurs a multiple times during the show, and always, without fail, makes him break down in tears, is Kerubim dying.

The facts that are important to keep in mind are: They've been living together alone for Joris's entire life, Joris knows he's adopted, and Kerubim himself is an orphan, which he doesn't really hide.

Which leads to multiple conclusions, which all coexist:

1. Joris is a kid who's very aware of the mortality of parents/guardians, and that, above everything else, that he is lucky to have a home and a semblance of family. That if Kerubim wasn't there, he may not have had that.

Which is uh... a pretty stressful thing for a kid his age to know, I suppose!

Especially considering the fact that Kerubim is an old man riddled with back pains, and for 7 years had such a level of post-lou-divorce post-battle-with-julith depression that he could not figure out how to get them into a clean, non-shitty non-hazardous home.

And now that their home IS clean, still can't make it non-hazardous.

2. Joris and Kerubim are much closer than most parents and children, because they literally have no other relatives, and Kerubim has pushed away most people who would consider him a friend in the past. Only relying on one another isn't the best or healthiest idea, but what choice do they have?

You can't just show up at home, be like "i would be dead, if it wasn't for you giving me water, my jojo <3" and not expect to inflict some eldritch horror levels of psychic damage onto your son.

Especially considering the fact, that he KNOWS, from your own shitty stories, that when you're gone, and it IS a when, because you're an old man who's constantly complaining about his health, he's going to be fending for himself all alone.

It's pretty obvious, then, why Joris would put Kerubim on a very high pedestal and, as will be shown later, prioritize the man's feelings over his own. Kerubim is his best friend, his role model, provider, guardian, AND the only one family member he has.

Besides depending on him, Joris knows papycha is a very, very lonely and sad person, — and who is he, not to try and make the life of the one person, who's most important to him, better?

If Kerubim isn't always happy, both in general and with Joris, then that's the worst thing ever, and if Kerubim isn't amazing, all-capable, and Not Going To Die Within The Next Couple Of Years Due To Being Old As Fuck, then their life is Over.

So Joris has to put in a lot of work.

This analysis isn't even picking apart the nitty-gritty of Kerubim being an orphan and having abandonment issues, or the way those things make him latch onto Joris the same way Joris latches onto him — as if this child is his Only Hope and Savior, Who Won't Leave Him Like All The Others.

And how that might lead to him REALLY liking Joris idealizing and putting him on a pedestal, despite the guilt he might feel knowing that that's kind of a... not-good parenting tactic.

...Man this post isn't even a rewatch liveblog anymore, it's just an analysis post, innit? 💀

[j1nxer]

think gert writes both a mix of songs and little poems.

with no way to bring them to fruition they remain scrawled on scrap pieces of paper in her apartment, and eventually a notebook she manages to find. a little battered, but she's never been fussy so it'll do.

a lot of them trail off with no real conclusion, some of them just a bunch of words that pop into her head, others lengthy and detailed, but most are short: curt and to the point. they're mostly written in the form of lyrics, n she'll often hum the words out n slap her hands/pen/whatever on things around her to make a general beat that could fit before giving up.

they vary from sombre ones for her family, or friends she's lost, or just the general state of zaun and day to day life. some are love songs/poems for any relationships - she's got such a soft heart behind the hard exterior she's had to adopt thanks to her environment and she finds it easiest to express herself through written words over verbal ones.

poems tend to be free verse the majority of the time. she does them to vent emotions she can't verbalise, and keeping them to any one strict format usually doesn't work for her. some are ballads, some odes, the occasional epic if she's feeling particularly motivated - but those are rare, even rarer to see one finished. elegy's for those deceased, of course.

occasionally she'll write a sonnet or two for a girlfriend, though i think she tends to try and stay away from any serious reltionshios. friendships are one thing that will hurt if they're lost, but romance requires a much deeper connection and with the uncertainty that comes with day to day life, she isn't sure it's something she really wants to risk gaining and most likely losing.

a lot of them have very angry undertones - at the world, at piltover, zaun itself, her parents for dying, how her parents died, how her little brothers died. she's got a lot of shit to be angry at that can't always be let out through physical altercations alone.

but!! i think it ties in nicely w the whole chem sisters thing!! she'd absolutely be in some kind of band or whatever, had her life turned out differently. song writer and a bass player i feel, but then again i'm not that musically inclined so maybe smthn else idk.

— think she's so good at writing because her mam read to her a lot when she was a wee babe. there wasn't much to do as a kid that didn't involve helping out the family or kicking about in the streets doing who knows what. the reading to them eventually turned to gert herself reading whatever collections of books her mam had wracked up, and then whatever she herself could find. not too big a fan of story books as they are poems and stuff, but she's not picky so she'd read whatever she could get her hands on - because they did help with her eventual writing. when the books ran out, thats when she started mucking about in the streets, getting into fights, using her fists over her brain because she found it made people listen better when she told them to stop being assholes.

[kiki-de-la-petite-flaque]

Enjoy this beautiful letter from Fiona Apple explaining to her fans why she must postpone a concert date.

It's 6pm on Friday, and I'm writing to a few thousand friends I have not met yet. I'm writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.

Here's the thing.

I have a dog, Janet, and she's been ill for about 2 years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She's almost 14 years old now. I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then — an adult, officially — and she was my kid.

She is a pitbull, and was found in Echo Park, with a rope around her neck, and bites all over her ears and face.

She was the one the dogfighters used to puff up the confidence of the contenders.

She's almost 14 and I've never seen her start a fight, bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She's a pacifist.

Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact. We've lived in numerous houses and joined a few makeshift families, but it's always really been just the two of us.

She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.

She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me, all the time we recorded the last album.

The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she's used to me being gone for a few weeks, every 6 or 7 years.

She has Addison's Disease, which makes it more dangerous for her to travel since she needs regular injections of Cortisol because she reacts to stress and excitement without the physiological tools that keep most of us from literally panicking to death.

Despite all this, she's effortlessly joyful & playful and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago. She is my best friend, my mother, my daughter, my benefactor, and she's the one who taught me what love is.

I can't come to South America. Not now. When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference.

She doesn't even want to go for walks anymore.

I know that she's not sad about aging or dying. Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That's why they are so much more present than people.

But I know she is coming close to the time when she will stop being a dog, and start instead to be part of everything. She'll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.

I just can't leave her now, please understand. If I go away again, I'm afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.

Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes just to decide what socks to wear to bed.

But this decision is instant.

These are the choices we make, which define us. I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love & friendship.

I am the woman who stays home, baking Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend. And helps her be comfortable & comforted & safe & important.

Many of us these days, dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life that keeps us feeling terrified & alone. I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time. I know that I will feel the most overwhelming knowledge of her, of her life, and of my love for her, in the last moments.

I need to do my damnedest, to be there for that.

Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.

When she dies.

So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and I am reveling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel. And I'm asking for your blessing.

I'll be seeing you.

Love,

Fiona

[lingeringscars]

I should make a separate post just for alex but little things about Derek's death, Meredith leaving, and how it impacts the people left behind.

Maggie feeling abandoned for the first time in her life. Derek made Maggie feel welcome when no one else did. She was struggling to find her footing, her place, missing her family, and reeling from the one she found. But Derek hugged her and invited her over and made her feel like she could have friends or a place here, too. That she wouldn't have to just be the lonely, friendless person in a new place without even her family to rely on.

And despite how they started, Meredith really did become a sister to her. They hung out. They talked to each other. They understood each other. Maggie sent her some when she was worried about Derek because she knew how Meredith's mind worked because it was how hers does. Then Meredith left without telling her, without checking in, and she feels abandoned.

From the moment the news broke, amelia focused on work. She's been here before. She knows what this is like. She knew there would come a time when this could happen. So she bottles it up, lives at the hospital, and does her job. But it's amelia so nothing is ever bottled up. She makes jokes that make people uncomfortable about her dead brother. She's aware that she told Meredith that she didn't understand what it was like to lose the love of her life, but she doesn't care about that. Meredith pulled the plug without calling her, and she will never forgive her for that. She will never forgive Meredith for taking all of this away from her, no matter how unfair it is to hold against her. She finally felt like they were in a good place, and in one move, she stopped trusting mer.

She can't handle this pain, but she's been through it before. She feels it every day. So even though she also feels abandoned, she can keep moving. But she can't go back to that house where Meredith and Derek are both absent (and Owen is present). She can't deal with the looks given to her because her brother died. Every man she has ever loved has died, and she's had to face all of that grief and pain and hurt in a couple months (jackson and aprils baby dying reminding her of her baby, everyone finding out about her boyfriend who died with her in bed with him, telling Meredith about that moment because she lives in that grief and doesn't get to be judged for trying to figure it out, and then Derek dying and leaving her without this person that always protected her even when she didn't want it but now she would kill to have one more day of him undermining her).

And then there is alex. Alex who...wasn't close with Derek so much as he was another colleague. But alex is close with Meredith, and he feels that pain for her. He and izzie got married, and Meredith earlier that year told him that it didn't count because of the circumstances, and he knows what it is for someone you love to die in your arms.

He's been there, and he is there. He watches mer collapse and thinks this is the end. He's going to lose her, too. Because that's all he knows in this life. He's been abandoned more times that he can count, but he does have a count. So Derek dies and he's the only one not trying to talk in that moment. His eyes are locked on Meredith.

And then Meredith leaves. Meredith abandons him. Meredith vanishes without a trace and refuses to pick up the damn phone. But Meredith is his person, too, and that rocks him. Izzie vanished and didn't say anything until he was given divorce papers. He's worried it'll be worse when Meredith resurfaces. She's gone, and she was there after izzie so she knows what this would do to him.

He's calling everyone. Cristina. Meredith's dad. Hospitals around Boston and other areas. He's searching and searching. He keeps calling her, and she doesn't respond. And he's basically going through the motions, but only physically. He isn't being an ass to anyone, he's just there. He's doing his job, but he's not talking.

[fandom-blackhole]

No, ok its been almost 24 hrs since I watched episode 5 of The Last of Us and I really can't stop thinking about it. SPOILERS

Like can you imagine living in and growing up in a QZ that is notorious around the country for having some of the lowest of the low FEDRA soldiers, ones that are known to dish out harsh and cruel punishments, who rape and murder for little reason. Then you find a bit of hope in a man running a resistance, who's trying to make the QZ a better, safer place for the people, someone you find that you can look to, a good leader. But oh no, suddenly your younger brother, who already has a disability that limits him greatly in the world you live in, suddenly has leukemia and the only way you can get medicine that will help him is if you trade someone else's life for his own. Imagine having to grapple with that guilt, with having to make yourself decide between your only family left and a man you see as one of the few good ones left, and ultimately deciding to save your brother. And it works, your brother is safe, healed and no longer sick, but now you're hated by pretty much everybody. So when shit goes down and the resistance led by the man's sister takes over, you know you have to leave because once again, you're brother's life is in danger, so you do whatever you have too, including going into tunnels that are known to have infected and recruit a man you've never met but can tell is very dangerous just from what you've seen. And well things go well, you get through the tunnels without fighting any infected, you've heard your brother laugh and seen him have fun for the first time in who knows how long, things are looking up. But boom, everything goes to shit in a blink of an eye, a whole army shows up lead by the sister, you beg for her to let your brother go and she just sneers about kids dying everyday and that maybe he was meant to die. And welp, boom again, shit gets worse and he'll pretty much unleashes before your eyes and you watch as the infected start taking down everyone around you. But you do make it out, some how unscathed and you feel like the luckiest man on the planet, your brother is here, alive and happy, you get an offer to go to Wyoming with the man that you've teamed up with, everything feels like its gonna be okay for the first time since ever.....what you don't expect is the next morning to wake up to your brother trying to claw and bite at the girl you'd been traveling with, the girl he'd made friends with. You don't expect things to happen so fast and to act on instinct as you shoot your only family, your only reason to keep pushing for better. The kid you've raised and loved and cherished and fought to save time and time again in what felt like a constant uphill battle. You never expected this. You thought you were safe, that HE was safe. What was it all? Nothing? Every decision, every hard choice, every sacrifice for this to be the way he went.....

Idk, just as someone with 2 younger sisters that I played a big role in raising and trying to protect, I can relate to Henry....and I know that I too wouldn't be able to go on if that happened to me, especially if it was by my hand.....

[tamtam-go92]

Wentworth

Rumor has it that the Wentworth family used to own a large fortune, but lost it due to generations of neglect. More recently, the Wentworth family is known for its big and clashing personalities.

After her husband Melville's death when the kids were still young, Cecily was forced into raising the children (that she had never been sure she was even ready for, and did there have to be so many!) all on her own. Now that she's in her golden years, Cecily is enjoying meeting lots of new people (especially the men) but it's a little difficult to make new "friends" when her adult children are always around.

Cecily Wentworth: female, elder, Sim Romance/Grilled Cheese (Become Hall of Famer) Libra (1/8/5/6/5) Culinary Career, OTH: Nature Traits: Slob, Natural born Performer, Angler, Irresistible, Grilled Cheese Lover

Vera has always been a little (or a lot) eccentric, but she doesn't notice when other people stare. Vera is passionate about her job and will happily chat anyone's ear off about lab projects and chemical reactions. A different sim might feel uncomfortable about her self-imposed space suit work uniform (barely tolerated by the high school administration), but Vera knows it's the only way to both get the teens excited about science and protect herself from spilled chemicals.

Vera Wentworth; female, adult, Sim Knowledge/Romance (Max out 7 Skills) Libra (0/8/3/7/7) Science Career, OTH: Nature Traits: Slob, Schmoozer, Eco-Friendly, Perceptive, Dislikes Children

Now that Linnea is an adult, she's dying to escape from her crazy, awkward, messy family. Linnea is fairly sure that no one else in the house has washed a single dish since she grew tall enough to reach the sink. Linnea dreams of single-handedly restoring the Wentworth fortune, by whatever means necessary. Maybe she'll share a little with her family, if they start acting a little more dignified and stop leaving massive puddles outside of the shower.

Linnea Wentworth: female, adult, Sim Fortune/Knowledge (Become Hall of Famer) Virgo (10/4/8/1/2) Business Career, OTH: Science Traits: Neat, Inappropriate, Meteorologist, Equestrian, Computer Whiz

Hadley has always felt overshadowed by her louder, peppier, more outgoing siblings. Everyone else seems to know what exactly what they want out of life, especially her twin sister Linnea. All Hadley has ever wished for is to be more like her family members, who can talk to strangers like it's nothing. Recently though, she's started seeing someone new that she met at work. Maybe this is the first step towards Hadley overcoming her crippling shyness.

Hadley Wentworth: female, adult, Sim Popularity/Knowledge (Have 20 simultaneous best friends) Virgo (3/1/8/5/8) Slacker Career, OTH: Tinkering Traits: Gloomy, Friendly, Techie, Cat Lover, Genius

Delaney keeps everyone on their toes with his constant energy. His mother always says that he never stops moving, even when he's asleep. Delaney may be hyperactive and have a hard time staying focused at school, but he is also devoted to his large and often nutty family. He wishes he wasn't the youngest, because he loves playing with kids. He can't wait to have some of his own someday.

Delaney Wentworth: male, teenager, Sim Family (Graduate 3 Children from College) Sagittarius (0/4/9/7/5) High School, Athletic Career, OTH: Nature Traits: Slob, Brave, Gatherer, Nurturing

Challenges rolled for: - round: Regular Day: No special events - season: Regular Season: Nothing Major Happens - week: Regular Week: Nothing Major Happens

[bpdonni]

im falling apart and i dont know if i can fix it.

ive never felt worse in my life. ive been in the psych ward twice, but those times don't hold a candle to now.

i cant afford to live. i cant afford to die. my family can see that im struggling-the very ugly and worst parts of myself are on full blast. im hurting everyone, especially cedric. he's just trying to keep everything afloat, but im too busy in my own head to do what i need to in order to make up for it. most people who interact with me hate me. i always wondered why, but as i lay around in this ball ive been in all day, im realizing that everything i was put through was too much. it made me into a monster. im always mooching off my mom and brother but they hardly ever even message me anymore. my own fucking father hates me. my best friend in the world got tired of my shit. ive become tired of trying, so i only really try at the one thing that keeps me useful at all. the only thing that is keeping me alive, but killing me even more: work. i like my job! but its lonely because of the night shift, and that im too awkward to try to make any friends there.

my coping mechanisms are further dragging me down. ordering food when we can't afford it at all. hypersexuality. self-isolation. it's making me a selfish, horrible person. but was i ever not a shitty person? i don't think so. all i have to offer anymore is the money i make that very barely keeps us afloat. and i keep going to the train station, but i just... can't end it. i want to. but i can't bring myself to do it. whether it's because of the stop being crowded, or chickening out, or realizing me dying won't actually lessen the load on my family... i know this last point to be true in theory, but what good am i doing here? i dont have the energy to be the parent i need to be. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE A PARENT I LOVE THEM I SHOULDN'T FEEL LIKE THIS BUT WHY DID THEY DO THIS TO ME WHY THE DUCK AN I THE ONE PICKING UP THE PIECES IM BIPOLAR AND BPD IM DOOMED BY THE MOTHERFUCKING NARRATIVE WHY ME WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY IM DESTINED TO KILL MYSELF IM NOT GONNA LIVE PAST 30 SO WHY AM I THE FUCKING ONE WHO HAS TO DO THIS WHY COULDN'T THEY STAY OFF METH WHY DO THEY REFUSE TO LOVE ME- ah i can't blame them on that last part i hate me too. that's in large part their fault. and the part of my life that i cling to, the one thing i know for certain: my queerness. i love it but why couldn't it be something that you know people liked? so many people voted for donald fucking trump so they could see people like me kill themselves for their comfort? why do i need to be the bigger person and deal with it? i can barely think of anything else besides death, WHY? my baby polar bear. it occurred to me that i think she was actually only 10 or 11. what did i do wrong? i know the answer to that. couldn't afford to take her to the vet when i KNEW something was wrong? now instead of paying back the vet, im drowning in the costs to cremate her. god, i cant get her face out of my mind. i tried to close her eyes, her mouth, but rigor mortis had set in too much. i could smell the death on her not quite breath. i took the responsibility of making sure the kids and my partners didn't have to see that. i wish she hadn't been alone. i wish that i had checked her cage as soon as i came home. god, the smell of death is one that you never forget. i can still smell it now. from when i saw the decapitated corpse and her sloughing skin, to boo boo... this is the most raw look of death ive ever seen, two instances in the past couple of months. it's gross, it's ugly, it's scary. so why do i want to be dead so bad? why do i want to do this to everyone i love? why can't people see that im in complete fucking ruin? it's starting to become pretty apparent now, but still. i can't really... get this out. because if i tell anyone the extent, my trips to the train station, typing my legal information in my phone when i forgot to bring my id, because i was so sure that time that i was going to do it. ive also been staring longingly out the window of the 7th floor at work, thinking about taking the elevator to the 10th floor and jumping. it'd be a nice view before i go at least. i could also take all the pills in the house (except the others prescriptions.) weve got all these huge bottles of tylenol- talked to my husband. theyre making me a grilled cheese.

[nxvermore]

Last week something really sad happened, and I wanted to, not only vent out, but, honor this person somewhere and I figured I could best express myself here.

This sunday, we received the terrible news that my mom's friend passed away. She was only in her forty's. She had a heart attack. She was supposed to come here on tuesday, but ended up never coming. My mom wanted to call her but decided against it, because she suffered from insomnia and my mom thought maybe she managed to get some sleep (she took medicine for it, which is probably what did it to her heart) and if she called her, it could wake her up and disturb her much needed rest. Throughout the week I thought about her, how it's been awhile that she didn't show up. Sometimes she would come here all the time, days in a row. Just to chat, or to wait for an appointment just hanging out with my mom. With a motive or no motive at all, she'd show up because that's a friend. You're just there for and with the person. She would always say "I'm here again to be a pain in your ass" and she was anything but. She was a light. A joy to have around. Despite all difficulties she faced in her life, she never stopped shining and sharing her light shining people's lives just by being herself.

By the state she was when they found her, they presumed she died on wednesday. She lived by herself and the same way she died. And this broke my heart. Not only four days went by until it was known, she also died alone. I'd like to think that it happened during her sleep and it wasn't painful. That she didn't know she was dying alone. She didn't deserve pain of any kind, she deserved peace. Sometimes I wonder if there really is an existence of the supernatural, but I'm choosing to believe there is, because if there is she's in heaven. I know she's there. There where it's said is all joy and peace. That's what she deserves and that's what she's having, contrary to what some tried to make her believe.

One of the reasons why she'd come here, and why she was coming here last tuesday night, was to escape some of her neighbors. They're christians and were always trying, once covinced, she participated in one of their services, by the threat that she needed to save her soul before it was too late and she would go to hell. That scared her. But they were nice to her and she didn't know how to say no to them, so she just evaded as much as she could.

My mom, who used to be a christian many years ago, would always reassure her that these people couldn't be more wrong and were full of crap, that she was a good person and most likely they're the ones to go to hell for being judmental and filled with prejudice.

My mom loves her and she loved my mom. She would always be more calm regarding those things after my mom would talk to her about it. "You are a wise!" she would say to my mom. And it also happened the other way around. My mom could be bothered by something and she would arrive, they would talk about things and sooner than later she would be more light and they would talk about less serious stuff and laugh about things. She was found family. They were sisters.

These little moments I keep thinking about. How we'll never have them again. Her singing songs and wondering about the lyrics, reminiscing about art and artists from back in the day. She'd ring the doorbell and yell for my mom twice. Always. Now the doorbell rings and I know it isn't her. Because it can't be. She bought a cd and had it delivered here and never took home saying "it'll be an excuse so I can come back here" even though she didn't need one. To think she'll never return to retrieve her cd or just to chat refusing to take her cd once again. To laugh loudly. We'll never see or hear her again and there was no goodbye.

We don't know who was it, because as soon as my mom opened the post, to see if she actually read that right, it disappeared and can't find it again. We don't know if it's deleted now, hopefully it is, but last night, someone posted information about her funeral, and the name there wasn't hers. They put her dead name there. I'm so so enraged by this disrespect. How could they? What will be written on her grave? How can you disrespect someone's entire existence like this?

We won't be able to attend the funeral, because it's going to take place somewhere far that my mom can't afford neither fisically and financially, but also emotionally. She said even if she could go she wouldn't. She's too shaken. So I don't know how things are going to go there, but my mind went to that Sandman comic, where there's a character named Wanda. If they disrespect her there as well, I wish I could do what Wanda's friend did for her and correct this wrong.

She was a woman full of life and light, she shined so bright and shined every life that she came in touch with. I wish we had more time with her down here, but I know she's shining in paradise now. Just joy and happiness for eternity.

Your presence is already missed.

[soft-animal-wild-geese]

“It's 6pm on Friday, and I'm writing to a few thousand friends I have not met yet. I'm writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.

Here's the thing.

I have a dog, Janet, and she's been ill for about 2 years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She's almost 14 years old now. I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then — an adult, officially — and she was my kid.

She is a pitbull, and was found in Echo Park, with a rope around her neck, and bites all over her ears and face.

She was the one the dogfighters use to puff up the confidence of the contenders.

She's almost 14 and I've never seen her start a fight, or bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She's a pacifist.

Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact. We've lived in numerous houses, and joined a few makeshift families, but it's always really been just the two of us.

She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.

She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me, all the time we recorded the last album.

The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she's used to me being gone for a few weeks, every 6 or 7 years.

She has Addison's Disease, which makes it more dangerous for her to travel, since she needs regular injections of Cortisol, because she reacts to stress and excitement without the physiological tools which keep most of us from literally panicking to death.

Despite all this, she's effortlessly joyful & playful, and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago. She is my best friend, and my mother, and my daughter, my benefactor, and she's the one who taught me what love is.

I can't come to South America. Not now. When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference.

She doesn't even want to go for walks anymore.

I know that she's not sad about aging or dying.

Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That's why they are so much more present than people.

But I know she is coming close to the time where she will stop being a dog, and start instead to be part of everything. She'll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.

I just can't leave her now, please understand. If I go away again, I'm afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.

Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes just to decide what socks to wear to bed.

But this decision is instant.

These are the choices we make, which define us. I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love & friendship.

I am the woman who stays home, baking Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend. And helps her be comfortable and comforted and safe and important.

I need to do my damnedest, to be there for that.

Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.

When she dies.

So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and I am revelling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel. And I'm asking for your blessing.

I'll be seeing you.

Love,

Fiona

[mistfallengw2]

5, 6, and 8 for Aurelia and Ellara! @ratasum

Commander Love Interest Ask Game (or something idk)

Under cut because oh no I rambled in spite of my best efforts to keep things short

5. How do they feel about their LI being the commander? Are they concerned? Proud? Is it a "keep work stuff at work" kind of thing?

Given that they met at the Retaking of Claw Island, Ellara has never really known Aurelia as anything but "the Commander" (and Adamas's thought-dead dam), and since then she has always been one of her greatest supporters and confidants, as well as her best friend[*1]. She is of course proud of her achievements, and concern just comes with the job, no matter how much she knows that Aurelia can deal with things on her own. Admittedly, Ellara's concern has quite the trauma backing it (she's lost her very-competent mate in a mission, back when she was still in the Ash Legion), but her fairly effective way of dealing with that anxiety is to make Aurelia's life a bit easier, be it by being at her side when needed or by proactively aiding her (doing spy stuff that the Commander/Dragon's Watch can't do, gathering info through her Whispers contacts, etc).

-

6. Does/would being the commander's LI affect how they're treated?

Overall, not really. Since becoming close friends with Aurelia (and technically her "healer") shortly after meeting each other, Ellara was often seen around her, but due to being a Lightbringer it never seemed strange to most. Biggest impact was that at times people tried to get into the graces of the Commander by going through the seemingly-more-easily-approachable Ellara (spoiler: never ended well), and Malice did express more interest in information about Aurelia[*2], but nothing of consequence. The occasional inquiry or rumor about the nature of their relationship was not rare, but it was mostly quiet and petty gossip between soldiers.

Even after actually becoming an item there was little to no difference, given that the only indicator of change was the occasional PDA. There's a big personal positive however: family and friends have stopped quietly teasing them :v

-

8. What does Aurene think about them, and vice versa?

Aurene was always firmly in the "ffs date already so I can have a second mom" base together with Adamas, while Ellara thinks she's her second best step-child (Adamas is first, not sorry) yet the most adorable/beautiful one.

Jokes aside, their relationship was always positive, but it used to be a bit more complex than necessary up to IBS due to Ellara's feelings for Aurelia, which led to keeping herself at a respectful distance from the dragonling because she didn't want to intrude on their bond (she felt like she did that with Adamas, even though they met before Aurelia was in the picture). Still, she didn't escape the occasional interactions initiated by Aurene, and she did spoil her with a few toys one time (gave them to Adamas first, so it'd be indirect).

Meanwhile, Aurene always had an intrinsic understanding of the terrible weight Aurelia carried within her and how it affected her emotionally, but it was also clear how Ellara made her Champion feel and even as a hatchling she wished for that positive effect to be "more and permanent". Additionally, she internalized the underlying affection in the way both Aurelia and Adamas[*3] spoke about Ellara. It was not enough for her to properly consider Ellara a "mother" like she thought of Aurelia, but more than enough for her to be included in her "family".

Their sweetest moment and turning point was at the end of Shadow in the Ice: Ellara was pretty busy with the Legions' mess (doing lots of spywork and going back and forth between Malice and the Whispers) when she heard of Aurelia nearly dying because of Bangar, and she rushed to EotN to see her. She had to leave asap because she still had time-sensitive work to do, but at that point Aurelia was still unconscious in the waters of the Scrying Pool and Ellara started stressing out about it big time (their last interaction had been unintentionally rough, and all she wanted was to know she was okay and that she was sorry). Then Aurene spoke (startling her a bit, because she had only watched her since she had entered the chamber, making her lowkey doubt she could still talk), comforting and reassuring her that Aurelia would be fine soon, and then confessed to her that she could feel that Aurelia held nothing but love for her in spite of the guilt she felt for their altercation.

Ellara was even busier from that point onward, but Aurene helped Aurelia get closure through the Scrying Pool by showing her a certain memory she "casually stumbled upon" (she did not, but no one needs to know). After No Quarter, during which they became officially a thing, Aurelia and Ellara spent lots of time together in EotN. Aurene did feel quietly triumphant about it, and she enjoyed the long, casual chats she had with Ellara (with the boon of Aurelia relaxing as she mostly listened).

-

Context notes: *1 [It took eight years before anything romantic actually happened, because Aurelia had a LOT of "magically-complex" grief to process before being ready to engage with that area of feelings again. While it stung not to be readily requited, Ellara was always genuinely there for her without letting her own feelings get in the way, and in fact she's the one who helped her "heal" and recover some memories by using her magic.] *2 [Ellara works as a double agent for the Order of Whispers and Ash Legion, as a deal of cooperation between the two organizations.] *3 [Adamas spent a lot of time with Aurene as a hatchling, on par if not more than Aurelia, and that leads to Aurene calling him "brother" later on.]