#[ NOTHING LIKE VIOLENCE TO SNAP YOU OUT OF A DEPRESSION . ( musings / isms ) ]

[ravaging-rose]

[ravaging-rose]

@beendeaddonethat

𝙴𝚊𝚟𝚊𝚗 𝙱𝚘𝚕𝚊𝚗𝚍, 𝙴𝚞𝚛𝚢𝚍𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚂𝚙𝚎𝚊𝚔𝚜 // 𝙼𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚎 𝙼𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚛, 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚂𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚏 𝙰𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚜.

[ravaging-rose]

[ravaging-rose]

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know, right now you can't tell But stay a while and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired I know, right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be

[ravaging-rose]

— BODY LANGUAGE

DEFENSIVENESS. arms crossed on chest / crossing legs / fist-like gestures / pointing index finger / karate chops / stiffening of shoulders / tense posture / curling of lip / baring of teeth

REFLECTIVE. hand-to-face gestures / head tilted / stroking chin / peering over glasses / taking glasses off; cleaning / putting earpiece of glasses in mouth/ pipe smoker gestures / putting hand to bridge of nose / pursed lips / knitted brows

SUSPICION. arms crossed / sideways glance / touching or rubbing nose / rubbing eyes / hands resting on weapon / brows raising / lips pressing into a thin line / strict, unwavering eye contact / wrinkling of nose / narrowed eyes

CONFIDENCE. hands behind back / hands on lapels of coat / steepled hands / baring teeth in a grin / rolling shoulders / tipping head back but maintaining eye contact / chest puffed up / shoulders back / arms folded just above navel / wide eyes / standing akimbo

INSECURITY & ANXIETY. chewing pen or pencil / rubbing thumb over opposite thumb / biting fingernails / biting lips / hands in pockets / elbow bent / closed gestures /clearing throat / “whew” sound / picking or pinching flesh / fidgeting in chair / hand covering mouth whilst speaking / poor eye contact / tugging pants whilst seated / jingling money in pockets/ tugging at ear / perspiring hands / playing with hair / swaying / playing with pointer; marker; cane / smacking lips / sighing / rocking on balls of feet /flexing or cracking fingers sporadically

ANGER & FRUSTRATION. short breaths / “tsk” sounds / tightly-clenched hands / fist-like gestures / pointing index finger / rubbing hand through hair / rubbing back of neck / snarling / revealing teeth / grimacing / sharp-eye glowers / notable tension in brow / shoulders back, head up; defensive posturing/ clenching of jaw / grinding teeth / nostrils flaring / heavy exhales

— LIGHT SOURCES

SUN RAYS. effervescent smiles, dandelion puffs, bare feet, beach waves, flowers pressed into books, champagne glasses, rose-gold eye shadow, boho skirts, wire-rimmed glasses, hair in loose waves, kaleidoscope eyes, sunshine in your hair, fire in your soul.

INCANDESCENT BULBS. crop tops, floral print, dancing in the rain, quiet defiance, hand-knit beanies, rosé, painted bookmarks, marble floors, cirrus clouds against a blue sky, polaroid pictures, hands held, fingers intertwined, flower crowns, baby bluebirds.

STARDUST. lace bralettes, brisk breezes, jasmine-scented perfume, books with yellowed pages, tracking constellations, sterling silver, violin music, chess games, iced coffee, glittery dresses, high heels, secret grins, midnight meetings, wishing upon a star.

CANDLE FLAMES. denim jackets, gladiator sandals, braided hair, messenger bags, movies at the cinema, stolen kisses, wax-sealed envelopes, haiku poetry, cherry wood, succulents, fountain pens, jigsaw puzzles, soft tired eyes, hidden smiles, cuddling with someone you trust.

MOONBEAMS. newspapers, over-sized sweaters, dancing shadows, fleece throws, cutoff shorts, piano chords, red wine, messy buns, embossed journals, a hint of blush dusted across your cheeks, freshly fallen snow, tranquil solitude, burning incense, light hair and dark skin.

AURORAS. combat boots, burgundy lips, infectious laughter, spiral-bound notebooks, pencils used down to the stub, ripped jeans, painted nails, cloud-watching, summer thunderstorms, hiking trails, vinyl records, film cameras, skating on a frozen lake, hot chocolate by the fire.

FIREWORKS. dancing until the break of dawn, heelys, being wheeled around in a shopping cart by your best friend, the euphoria of soaring through the air, being excited for what the future holds, group hugs, colorful tattoos, bronzer-highlighted cheeks, hugging a stuffed animal, lifting a child onto your shoulders, space buns, bright streaks in your hair.

— SENSES

SIGHT. small towns. big cities. six thirty curfews. lights that take the place of stars. blanket nests. light through the blinds as a wake up call. found family. finding a single star in the middle of new york night city. window shopping. watching something terrible and enjoying it. growing numb to the sight of injustice. wilted flowers. faded caricatures. bright, bold colours.

HEARING. crickets and lightning bugs. car engines and a / c units. a phone call to mum / dad. laughing with friends. jokes that are so bad you have to laugh. the clicking of computer keys. noise cancelling headphones. the sound of silence. muffled music from another room. drumming fingertips on a table. clicking of pens. listening to a clock and swearing the ticks get slower. ringing in the ears. the voice of someone you love. pitch shifted songs.

TOUCH. being held close during a long night. fleeting reassurances. holding hands when you’re scared. brushing fingers through strands of hair. freshly dried clothes. bruises on your knuckles. silk and satin. your favourite pet’s fur or feather. wringing your hands anxiously. snuggles. comforters in the dead of winter. nails against skin. cold metal. leather in summer.

TASTE. coffee in the morning. tea in the evening. bubblegum that lost its flavor. alcohol burning the back of your throat. homemade cooking, no matter what’s made. blood in your mouth. stale air. mint. fresh vegetables. that processed taste of citrus candy. the first meal you cook by yourself that tastes good. foreign sweets. fast food. bittersweet. sour. spicy. sweet. bitter. too much salt on fries.

[ravaging-rose]

MUSE AESTHETICS, SEASON EDITION. bold when applicable.

cold drinks after a long day, hiking in the woods just outside the city, swimming in a lake, spontaneous picnics, the warmth of the sun making you drowsy, the buzz of insects flying by,  blooming wildflowers, the scent of bark and leaves, snapping twigs in half, a blade of grass between your teeth, light sunburn on the tip of your nose, barking dogs, rosy cheeks, children laughing in the distance, sunflowers reaching for the sun, fresh ice tea, resting your head on someone’s lap, warm yellow, the sound of waves crashing, cool breezes that feel just right, piles of leaves, rust red, oversized sweaters, knitted blankets, pumpkin spice, the scent of freshly baked goods, open windows letting the fresh air in, cold cheeks and hands, rain boots, carving pumpkins, soft scarves, a comforting embrace from an old friend, the scent right before a storm, wild mushrooms, ripening berries, a cup of hot tea, purring cats, blueberry muffins, braided hair, wearing your partner’s shirts, an alarm pulling you from slumber, burning candles, the crackling of a fireplace, hot chocolate with marshmallows, the smell of fresh cookies, fuzzy socks, beanies pulled over your ears, a strong pot of coffee, dark clouds gathering on the horizon, the sound of wind shaking the house, melting ice, snowflakes in your hair, melancholy afternoons, curling up with a book while the world stands still, cough drops on the nightstand, excitedly giving gifts, long coats with deep pockets, pale blues, flour on the tip of your nose, warm soup, stubble turning into a beard, the scent of leather, the smell after it rains, waking to the sound of birds singing, the crack of thunder, soft pinks, energy drinks or protein shakes, the scent of fabric softener, tidying up, the sweet taste of fresh fruit, competitive spark in eyes, sand beneath your feet, sweat on your brow, catching your breath after running, light green, frosted cupcakes, electricity in the air, forbidden kisses, the sharp hunger after a work out, daring romances, high ponytails, unexpected storms, picking flowers, running barefoot in the grass, iced coffee

[ravaging-rose]

MUSE AESTHETICS, TAROT EDITION. bold what applies to your muse.

a long journey  -  a feeling of raw energy  -  putting a name to something unknown  -  an elaborate patchwork  -  unexpected catastrophes -  unexpected blessings  -  vivid dreams  -  sudden awakenings  -  the feeling of shedding your skin  -  the echoes in holy places  -  bright lights  -  deep shadows  -  feeling the earth move beneath your feet  -  wandering in museums  - the strange clarity of moonlight -  thunder and lightning  -  an unfamiliar road  -  coming back to the place you started as an entirely different person - being overwhelmed by emotion  -  finding something to celebrate every day  -  finding something to mourn every day  -  connecting with others  -  the scent of ocean air  - making food for your friends when they’re stressed  -  the remembrance of something lost  -  sublime confusion  -  cool colours  -  a cozy cafe -  a bustling bar  -  calm waters, hidden depths -  getting tipsy in the afternoon  - summer rain -  comfy sweaters  -  flowing skirts  -  a house by the sea  -  deep conversations after midnight - the scent of spices and dark wood  -  making something just for the sake of creation  -  dry heat -  crackling fire  -  a bolt of inspiration  - refusing to apologize for your passion  -  stubborn optimism  -  taking on more than you can handle  -  hot tea  -  warm colours  -  getting up early -  staying up late  -  bright fire, fast burnout  -  tacky thrift store finds worn with the utmost confidence  -  the thrill of starting a new project  -  spring storms  -  hotel rooms  -  perpetual restlessness - the scent of rich soil after a rain  -  hard and diligent work - solid ground, strong foundations -  the satisfaction of a long-awaited payoff  -  generosity that comes with a catch  -  work boots and heavy jeans  -  silk and jewels  -  resting on your laurels  -  seeing your work through to the end  -  harvest time  -  fresh bread and rich soup  -  earth tones  -  jewel tones  -  a lush garden  -  sunlight through the trees  -  dark chocolate  -  a home in the farmlands  -  a sprawling house in the old part of the city - the scent of fresh air  - focusing on the intellectual at the expense of the emotional - freshly fallen snow  - burying yourself in action  - tending to your own wounds -  a foreseeable disaster -  crisply tailored suits  -  starkly elegant dresses  - refusing to admit defeat -  cold air, clear thoughts -  old hurts -  fresh starts  -  overthinking your overthinking  -  the harsh glow of street lamps  - black coffee -  a cabin in the mountains  -  an apartment downtown  -  the quiet before the dawn.

[ravaging-rose]

CHARACTER AESTHETICS. repost and bold what applies.

bonfires, competitiveness, hand veins, loud laughs, messy hair, sneaking out at 2am, abandoned beaches, stray dogs, candle lights, body language, creaking floorboards, ouija boards, having no regrets, karaoke nights out. house plants, oversized sweaters, soft hands, fuzzy socks, visiting big cities, snoozing your alarm clock, the colour yellow, vanilla-scented candles, aloe vera, fruit smoothies, baking cookies, the mom friend, loves the ukulele. femme fatale movies, in love with female villains, sharp eyeliner, quick-witted, does things out of spite, do no harm but take no shit, in love with dogs, probably cries during sad movies but won’t admit it, easily excited, ripped jeans. mermaids, easily infatuated by love, smelling flowers, picnics in open fields, gets sad when thinking about the past, impressed easily, daydreaming, plucking fresh fruit, loves fashion, would die for their friends. confident in what they do, kill them with kindness, high ponytails, probably wants to visit paris once, not afraid to tell the truth, in love with cute animals, the one to lift others up, good at teamwork, the warm feeling of summer, dragons. pastel markers, the smell of lavender, has a welcoming vibe around them, actually organized, scrunchies, neat notes, love going to museums, probably into photography, neutral colors, handwritten letters, stardust. soft blankets, cuddling the ones you love, always standing up for your friends, hopeless romantic, can be very distant, can be a little dramatic, pretty hair, dresses nicely, tries to be popular on social media, optimistic, humorous. cottages in the woods, in love with greek mythology, vintage t-shirts, really emotional but doesn’t want anyone to know, determined, moonlight, pretty handwriting, into the retro aesthetic, rainy days, doesn’t judge people, cats. always ready for an adventure, street smart, wants to travel the world someday, doesn’t easily trust people, alcohol, paintbrushes, can’t sit still, untied shoelaces, tangled up earphones, blasting music at midnight, eye-gazing. cold aura, coffee is what keeps them going, probably hasn’t slept in two days, actually a big softie, high-waisted jeans, cute pet videos, small apartments, has too many notebooks, often goes to the library, writing essays. loves to paint or do any kind of art, wants to live at the seaside, knows a lot of random facts, shares food, messy notes, bullshits an entire essay, graffiti, has their own distinct style, wants to live their life like they want to. old teddy bears, unsent love letters, mom-jeans, loves to sing, feels at home by the ocean, writes poetry, hard-workers, always up for deep conversations, probably did the stupid thing, open curtains, a soft breeze.

[ravaging-rose]

But only you have shown me how to love being alive Until it's time to see the light I'll make my own with you each night I'll kidnap all the stars and I will keep them in your eyes I'll wrap them up in velvet twine And hang them from a fishing line So I can see them any time I'd like Darling don't you weep There's a place for me Somewhere we can sleep I'll see you in your dreams

[ravaging-rose]

i’m not crazy, i’m just a little unwell

i’m just like you.

tw: EYE TRAUMA EYE TRAUMA EYE TRAUMA THIS TAKES PLACE RIGHT AFTER THE EYE INCIDENT. EYE TRAUMA. violence/gore mentions, *whole lotta angst* and pain. death mentions.  everything bad is in here --- 2012. “I won’t fail you again, Daddy --” “You always fail me! Every one of you. I was wrong about you, Rose. You’re nothing like me.” “No! Daddy...I’m just like you, Daddy. I’m just. like. you.” All things considered, she’d healed well. The bandage that her father had helped her apply was unnecessary after a few hours, her healing factor moving things along rapidly; she was healed within days rather than weeks. However, she’d replaced the bandage with a clean one - she still felt nauseous looking at herself, but it subsided just a little when the left side of her face was covered, when she couldn’t see what she’d done to herself. When she didn’t see him more than ever when she looked at herself in the mirror. The pain had been gone by the next day, but really, it had almost been welcome while it lasted: a distraction, something to ground her, a way to try to hold on when her mind felt like it was slipping through her fingers. She was trying to put the pieces together, but it was hard when they scattered around and wouldn’t fit together nicely, even harder when she didn’t know where the fuck any of them were supposed to go in the first place. Her mind was in fragments that she couldn’t make sense of, whole chunks of time blurry at best or altogether missing. The serum that enhanced her gifts, that had triggered her metagene (her father’s gene, his blood pumping through her veins, him him him) was unforgiving. The gifts it gave her in terms of abilities were not worth the side-effects she suffered: gaps of time missing, a blinding and sufocating sort of rage she couldn’t control or suppress, the feeling of trying to see and breathe underwater, psychosis that drove her to the very brink and back and again. Psychosis that had caused her to drive a knife directly through her eye, to make her a mirror of her father. Maybe it was best she couldn’t remember, she decided as her good eye squinted at her reflection in the mirror. Maybe it was best she didn’t remember all the things she’d done. “Daddy…? What did I...what did I do?” “You stabbed yourself.” “I -- what? Why?” “Because you said you wanted to be like me.” “I -- wait. I couldn’t’ve -- you’re LYING! Manipulating me again! I would never say that! I’ll never be you! I hate you!” “Serum’s wearing off, Rose. Time for a refill. Now, just relax --” It would be better if the rest was cloudy, too. It would be best if she could block out the rest, to become comfortably numb and find peace. There was no peace, not for Rose, and that had begun long before the effects of the serum. There had not been peace since she lost her mother to the second Ravager, the one from whom Rose had stolen the name. There had been no peace since her home and life was stolen from her all those years ago and was replaced with...this.  It would be easier, for certain, if she wasn’t haunted by flashes of her past. These mostly came in moments of lucidity, when she was trying to force the haze away and force the pieces to fit in a way that she could make sense of. A taunting of what she’d lost, of everything in her life that had been taken from her. Her mother, so full of life and love and light, smiling as she braided her hair. Jason, with that smile that got her heart racing every time without even trying, poke-and-stick tattooing the robin on her wrist, looking at her in a way that made her feel that maybe there was something worth looking at. The Madisons, offering warmth and kindness in the darkest hours of her life with affection she didn’t have to earn, loving and accepting her for who she was. The happy memories were hard enough, felt like a knife under the ribs that stole her breath away. When she slept, it was worse. Her mother, driving off that cliff to meet her demise. Jason, bloodied and beaten and alone. The Madisons, shot point blank when Rose had been in Mrs. Madison’s arms for an embrace. It would be enough to drive her to madness without the serum. But maybe, she thought as she poked at the tape holding the bandages in place, she deserved this. She shook out her hands to force the tremor out of her fingers as she removed the tape and bandages, nausea coiling in her stomach as soon as they were tossed aside. Maybe it was the universe punishing her for her father’s crimes and now for the atrocities she had committed herself. Maybe she deserved this suffering because of the blood flowing through her veins, for the genetics that made her just who she was. She moved to secure the eyepatch in place, realizing the likeness to her father was even more uncanny now: the silver hair, the set to her jaw, the way she held her shoulders and now the patch to cover where her left eye had once been. She could see her mother in the slant to her eye, though now it was getting harder and harder to see and find any of Lili within her. Maybe there wasn’t much of her to begin with; maybe she had always been more Slade than Lili, and that was why all of this had come to pass. Maybe this was all meant to happen, some sick form of karma for being Deathstroke’s daughter. Because, after all, it was clear: she was her father’s daughter. Maybe this is who she was meant to be all along. And even if it wasn’t, what other choice did she have? It would be worse to be alone. After everything, she clung to that: at least she wasn’t alone.

Just. Like. You.

[ravaging-rose]

You know I swear I'd give you anything And I think we could live forever In each other's faces 'cause I Always see my youth in you And if we don't live forever Maybe one day we'll trade places Darling, you will bury me Before I bury you

[ravaging-rose]

[ravaging-rose]

Follow me down where the waters run deep I'll let you drown in the worst of me If my intentions are good why can't I come clean If heavens above where does that leave me? Am I looking for revival? Am I dressed in other's sin? Hold my breath until I'm honest Will I ever breathe again? When the world’s so heavy I can't stand I close my eyes and start again Though my heart is in my hands I won't break, give me faith to bend

[ravaging-rose]

Follow me down where the waters run deep I'll let you drown in the worst of me If my intentions are good why can't I come clean? If heavens above where does that leave me?

[ravaging-rose]

And I feel it running through my veins And I need that fire just to know that I'm awake Erased, I missed till the break of day And I need that fire just to know that I'm awake