#@dontfeedthestansaftermidnight has thoughts on this too

[septembersghost]

*update*

to @nerdfaerie, @arthurwilde, @dontfeedthestansaftermidnight, and @fancykraken who have quite literally helped keep me alive and sane, have been my rocks and guiding lights and confidants, have contacted sources for me, and have provided more through all of this than i could ever repay in three lifetimes.

also to my dearest @cowboylikedean, @xxsparksxx, @christinedaae, @spookyjackaubrey, @deaneverafter, @thesnuggliestduckling, @someoneoffthestreet, @lanne13, @werebunniesfordean, @thelonelybrilliance, @snowstormserenade, @cauldronofmorning for all of your care and all you've given me too.

and to everyone who has been here for me, listened to me, let me lean on them, and helped me through everything...words will never be enough to thank you. i love you so much.

the foreclosure was postponed, and now, thanks to assistance given by my dad (which has been an ordeal for everyone and i wish he had not had to do, and we're carrying some heavy guilt from that), is cancelled. we never got real assistance from, well, anyone we contacted? 😩 it's actually frightening how broken the system is and how little support there seems to be for indigent people facing homelessness, and the sheer hell and stress we've been living with for the past few years feels like it's permanently rooted in my body at this point, but, for now, our little home is safe.

i have a lot more to say, polina and mary to you specifically, and i owe you like a dozen messages apiece and i'm so sorry. my energy is so depleted lately that it's been hard to even form the necessary sentences.

there are still things to be worked out, and a lot of issues to deal with, and long term...isn't something we can think about. i don't know how long we'll be able to make ends meet. i don't know how long things are sustainable, or what's going to happen with the severity of both my mom and my health issues. i can't say anything with certainty about any of that, and it's really hard continuing to be on shaky ground, but at the very least, we aren't losing everything we have right now and that's a miracle. just enough is plenty today.

we're never guaranteed time in this life. we don't know how much we have, no matter who we are or what we do, everything can change in an instant, and i certainly recognize that. my circumstances require living day by day, but maybe that's all any of us can ask for or manage. just make it one moment to the next, and hope that some measure of it matters and that we can move in love and kindness, and find our little joys and comfort along the way, and cherish those, and the people we share them with. that's what i have here with you, and i'm so grateful for it. it's such a lifeline.

at any rate, it seems you're stuck with me and my silly little thoughts and feelings from my silly little spooky sparkly birdcage for a little bit longer. 💖💗💖💗💖

serendipitously on my timeline this morning:

[septembersghost]

jess, I got a mean message from someone and they threatened to put me on a fandom blocklist...I know it happened to you for no reason, what do you think I should do? :(

oh honey, i am so so sorry this happened to you. i'm going to assume since you said what you did that this was a fandom related dispute? or someone targeting you because they disagreed with you on an interpretation? (it's very unfortunate that this keeps happening and honestly it's weighed on me a lot - which i also dislike because then it feels like people who think it's okay to be bullies are winning, but i'm admittedly sensitive and things like this can hurt and stick, i know.)

first of all, block them. it's lousy to have to do it, but it's there for a reason and is protection in this case. if you don't know the url/they messaged you anonymously, block the anon anyway, it will at least filter out their ip address and prevent them from harassing you further. secondly, if you have some friends you can turn to, please do, i know they'll help you, as mine did, and i am very fortunate to have them. more than that, know that people who make these lists...there's a real witch hunt mentality and immaturity to it. serious social issues or abuses are an entirely different topic, but when it comes to fandom - which is supposed to be fun and escapism - i do not understand how we've come to this place, rather than simply ignoring and filtering the things we don't want to see. as i've said before, there are many things i don't enjoy or that don't interest me, and my answer for that is the magic of the blacklist. ships or topics that i'm not into disappear! but i see no appeal in attacking people or publicly excoriating them and posting their names on a list like some kind of fandom dictator. that's simply no way to exist. i know it's awful and i know it can make you feel very unsafe on your own blog and even unwelcome, but ultimately it says nothing about you as a person, and speaks volumes about whoever would send you a cruel/threatening message. your participation in fandom is voluntary and meant to be for enjoyment, please don't let anyone make you feel shut out (easier said than done, i realize that too). what matters far more is whether you're kind to others, you know? fandom is for passion and expression, not harming anyone, and you don't deserve to be harmed for existing in your space. even if some of us respectfully disagree on things, it's never okay to bully one another. what defines you is your character and heart.

your individual voice matters too, please remember that, and if you have your own niche in fandom, even if it's just you and like four other people, that's good and it's enough. speaking from my own experience, fandom is a valuable part of my very survival because of my circumstances with illness and isolation, and the people i know because of it are precious to me. no one has the right to take light or inspiration from you.

i hope you're okay and you can work this out, and that you have some positive support. remember that you're always welcome here. 💛💛💛