#@ the four minute mark goes so fucking hard AND THEN THE INSTRUMENTAL

[tyrianluda]

I honest to God can't say in good conscience, that the Beatles suck solely because of this one song I listened to a few weeks ago.

[theoreticslut]

「 if this is the end 」

fred weasley x reader

summary: fred overhears you say something about leaving & gets upset.

requested: yes - as part of my inspiration party

word count: 2.2k

warnings: band au, angst, raised voices/arguing, slight physical restraint, fluff ending

a/n: all i’ve got to say is i must be in an angsty mindset lately. i do kind of like how this fic turned out, but i know its not one of my best. i never feel like i do modern-ish aus justice. idk, i just don’t feel like i write them well in the slightest. i hope you like it regardless. feedback is appreciated!

lyrics from ‘a beautiful mess’ by yours truly

Sighing, you check your phone for the upteenth time. You guys were supposed to be practicing by now, but here you are waiting on fred.

As much as you hate to say it, this isn’t abnormal for Fred. Especially when he’s got a lady friend, because lord knows he’d never seriously date - no matter how much you wish he would.

“Dude, where’ve you been? We were supposed to start twenty minutes ago.” Oliver questions the redhead as he finally comes strolling into the garage.

“Sorry, mate. I didn’t mean to be late.”

“Course you didn’t.” You can’t help but mutter to yourself.

If Fred heard you, he doesn’t care to reply, which is fine by you. Although you’ve had a crush on him for the longest time, his antics have started to grow old. 

“You ready to start then? We’ve got a new song we’re working on today.” Oliver informs fred as he gets himself situated at his drums.

“Yeah. This the song?” He questions, picking up the sheet music sitting on his instrument.

“Mhm. Y/n’s got all the vocals on this one, we’re just doing backup. It’s all marked on the paper there.”

“Got it. Let’s go.”

~.~

“If this is the end, then I’m sorry that we met.” You sing, feeling the same emotion you had when writing the piece. You never thought it’d sound so amazing put all together though. 

Between your emotion, the heavy presence of Fred’s drums, and oliver & lee’s background vocals the song sounds far better than you could have ever imagined.

“I don’t wanna pretend, when it’s easier to forget. It’s a beautiful mess; nothing more and nothing less.”

“And I don’t wanna be friends ‘cause when the spark goes out i-“ you stumble, distracted by Fred mixing up a few beats.

“Fuck! Sorry, guys. I don’t know why that bit is so hard for me to get.” 

“It’s fine, Fred. We have been working on this for a while now. We could probably all use a break.”

“That sounds like a great idea, Ollie. Anyone want a soda?” You question, stepping back from the microphone.

At the guys’ various sounds of approval, you make your way towards the stairs leading to the house, knowing that oliver and his mum always keep sodas in the house.

~.~

“Y/n. Nice to see you, sweetheart.” Rene greets, smiling warmly as you close the garage door.

“Hi, Mrs wood! How are you?”

“Just lovely. How about you? That song you guys are working on, did you write it?” She questions, dropping whatever she was doing to talk with you.

Although you and Oliver had never been close, his mum took a liking to you and has almost taken you in as a daughter. You’re not complaining though, not when your own mother is the complete opposite.

“I did. What do you think of it?”

“It’s amazing, sweetheart!”

“Yeah?” You can’t help but question, feeling yourself blush lightly with her praise.

“Absolutely. I have to ask, though, was it written about someone in particular? Maybe a certain redhead?”

You can’t help but chuckle, feeling your cheeks flush more as you nod lightly.

“Yeah. Yeah, you could say that. I just…I can’t do it anymore, Rene.” You sigh, talking about the crush you’ve had on fred since you met him back in high school.

Of course Mrs. Wood knows all about it, though, having been your stand-in mum for a good four years, at least, now.

“Especially with everything potentially changing in the next few months.” 

“Did you hear back on the internship?” She questions, hopefully excited.

“I got an email the other day about it. They said they’d love to have me, but I need to let them know if I want the position for sure by this coming Monday.”

“Oh! That’s great, y/n! I’m sure you’ll love it. Plus it’s what you’ve been needing. You’ve been stuck here for too long, dear.”

“I know. I know, but is this really the best thing for me? What if I hate it? What if I find out that I’m not cut out for it?”

“Then you move on to something else. Just because you take this job, doesn’t mean you’re married to it.” She states, as if it’s the simplest thing in the world.

You sigh, nodding as you take a seat at the kitchen island.

“I don’t know. I want to do it, but I also don’t want to leave them.” 

“Y-you’re leaving?” A voice cuts between the two of you. Without even looking you know it’s Fred.

You look to Mrs wood in slight terror, but she only gives you a warm smile and a small wink before excusing herself from the room.

“Y/n…are you leaving us? Are you leaving the band?” Fred asks, walking over to you so you have to look at him.

“I don’t know, Fred. Nothing is set in stone yet, but I’m on a deadline to make my decision.” You sigh.

“Let me make it easier for you - stay.”

“Seriously, Fred? I wouldn’t have considered leaving if a part of me didn’t want to go. There’s things here that I’m not sure I can handle anymore.”

“So you just want to run away from them?”

“I wouldn’t be running away. Good god, Fred. If I left it’d be in search of better things.” You huff, getting up from your stool to grab the sodas from the fridge.

“But you’d still be running away from these things you can’t handle.”

Letting the fridge door shut a bit loudly behind you, you start to head back down to the garage, not wanting to argue with fred right now.

“You’re running away right now.” He points out, following you down the stairs.

“I’m not running. I’m just not giving my energy to something that doesn’t matter.”

“I don’t matter?”

“This conversation doesn’t matter. Just let it go, Fred.” You sigh, nearly shoving his soda into his hands.

Making your way to the bottom of the stairs, you go to hand Oliver and Lee their sodas.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Ollie asks, not missing the frustration and tiredness in your features.

“It’s nothing, Ollie.”

He frowns at you, knowing how you like to ignore and bury your emotions.

“I’ll tell you later. Promise.”

“Why don’t you tell him now, y/n? Or are you going to keep it hidden until you’re already gone?” Fred cuts in.

“Oh my god, Fred! I told you that nothing is set in stone yet. Besides, why does it matter if I leave? It’s not hurting you any!” 

“You’d be breaking up the band!”

“How so? I’m just a vocalist, Fred. You three are the ones who actually make the music, and I know you’re all more than capable of singing.”

“But all four of us started this band.”

“And you three can still keep it going without me. Again, I’m just a vocalist.”

“It won’t be the same though!”

“So?! Things change, Fred. And sometimes it’s for the better. Who knows, maybe without me you three will get big!” You shout back at the redhead, voice cracking as you hate that thought.

“Hey, let’s take a breath. Is this about that internship you were telling me about?” Oliver asks, placing a hand on your shoulder and pulling you into his side as you try to catch your breath.

“Unfortunately.” You mutter.

“So you heard back then?” He questions, focusing his attention on you as Fred simply watches on.

“They want a definite answer by Monday.” 

“That’s great, y/n. I knew they’d like you!” Lee congratulates. 

“You both knew?” Fred asks, face falling in disbelief.

“We were waiting to hear back on if they wanted y/n in the first place before we were going to tell you.” Oliver sighs.

“This is a huge opportunity for y/n. She’d be working alongside big record producers and could get her name out there.” He explains, rubbing comforting circles on your back as you fight back tears from the wave of emotions you went through.

“You know y/n, though. She was going to forgo getting her name out there to get ours out instead. No matter how much we’ve tried to convince her otherwise, she’d rather our dreams come true than hers.” Lee speaks up, shaking his head at you.

“You guys deserve it. You’re the heart of the band.” You hiccup.

“How blind are you?” Fred questions.

“Excuse me?”

“We’d be nothing as a band without you and your voice, y/n.” 

“Well you’ll have to learn how to be. If I’m working with the producers, I can’t be in the band.” You argue.

“You know you can be, y/n. You’re only saying that because of the other issue at hand.” Oliver states and at the moment you wish you could hate him.

“What other issue?” Fred questions.

“Well-“ Oliver starts before you cut him off.

“Don’t you dare, wood. I’ve told you to stay out of it. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“And I have stayed out of it, but honestly, I think it’d help a lot if you’d just be honest.”

“It won’t make a difference! If it does it’ll just be out of pity. I’m not doing that, so you’re going to keep your mouth shut about it.” You threaten.

“What is going on?” Fred asks, confused by the entire situation right now.

“Y/n likes you, man. As more than a friend.”

“OLIVER!” You cry, not believing he’d go against you like this.

“What?” Fred deadpans, and you’re sure he’s trying to find a way to make this out to be a joke. He doesn’t, will never, like you the same way.

“Yeah, but you’re too blind to see it. Instead you keep flaunting the fact that you have a new girl every week.” Oliver sighs, keeping his hold on you as you try to leave the situation.

You don’t want to be here right now. You can’t be here when Fred says he’ll never see you in the same way. You don’t want to see him feeling guilty and saying anything he can to make himself feel better.

Unfortunately, Oliver has a strong grip on you and isn’t letting you leave.

“Y/n…” Fred starts.

“No. Just keep it to yourself, please. I can’t hear you say what I know you’re going to.” You state as you keep fighting against Oliver to let you go.

“Y/n, I like you too.” 

With those words, all fight leaves your body and all sound seems to leave the garage.

“You what?”

“I like you too. The only reason I was with a different girl every week was because I was trying to find someone that could help me forget about the girl I couldn’t have.”

“I didn’t think you liked me, and I didn’t want to chance the band or any of our friendships by telling you how I felt.” He admits, watching as you try to make sense of his words.

“You’re not just saying this to spare my feelings?”

“Not at all. Lee can corroborate for me.”

“I can. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve spent on the phone with him because he was fawning over you.” Lee pipes up, having been watching the entire situation unfold.

“So you actually like me? As more than a friend.”

“I really like you, and definitely as more than a friend.”

“O-okay.” You murmur, your mind running in circles with this new information.

“So, what’re you thinking, y/n?” Oliver asks.

“I don’t know.” You admit.

“If you want to take that internship thing, I think you should. On one condition.” Fred states.

You hum, looking up at him as you try to figure out what his condition could possibly be.

“You stay in the band with us.”

“Yeah. Lee and I already told you that we’d be more than willing to move out there with you so we’re all together.” Oliver reminds you.

“What do you say, y/n? Take the internship but stay in the band with us. If we get big, we want you - I want you - with us.” Fred says.

“Alright. So I guess I’m telling them I want the position?”

“If you don’t I’m going to be a little disappointed in you.” Oliver states, chuckling as he sends you a smile before kissing your temple.

“Okay. Thank you guys for being supportive of me.” You smile, looking between Lee and Oliver.

“And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, Fred.  If I’m being honest, I was trying to use it as a means to run away from my feelings. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, it’s alright. I get it, and I forgive you. I’m just glad we both know how we feel now. I’m sorry it took a fight to bring them to light.” He apologizes, frowning lightly.

“I’m just glad it all worked out in the end.” Oliver chuckles. 

You nod, smiling up at him before looking over to Fred, his eyes already on you with a smile on his face.

You always knew it was a bad idea to have a crush on your band mate, and yet you still agreed to be in the band alongside him all because he was still your friend. At least your crush on him has yet to break the band apart, but you’re sure it’s only due to the fact he happened to have a crush on you too. Either way, it seems that things can only get better from here.

join my new taglist!!

hp taglist: @eunoia-kth @omghufflepuff @impulse-anchor @d22malfoys @jrj2 @luvshack @oliverwoodmarrymepls @chewymoustachio @axen-gers @pineapplesandpinas @mollysolo @hpotterwhore​ @teenwolfbitches28 @justmesadgirl @jackys-stuff-blog​ @inglourious-imagines @perfectlysane24 @pandaxnienke @celestialmage23 @accio-remus-lupin

fred weasley/weasley twins taglist: @darthwheezely @horrorxweasley @onlyfreds @rebeccaelizabeth @daedreamss

[bobbystompy]

My Top 88 Songs Of 2020

Previously: 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011

Though we couldn’t get as trim as last year’s 75, still very happy to keep this under 100 for the second year in a row. This was a very difficult year in many ways, but music helped make it more bearable.

As always, criteria and info:

This is a list of what I personally like, not ones I’m saying are the “best” from the year; more subjective than objective

No artist is featured more than once

If it comes down to choosing between two songs, I try to give more weight to a single or featured track

Each song on the list is linked in the title if you wanna check them out for yourself; there is also a Spotify playlist at the bottom that includes the majority of the songs

Usually a pump up video goes here, but 2020 had a different energy, so Michael, take us in.

88) Katy Perry - “Smile”

Even Katy Perry’s good songs are a swirling spiral of maxed out auto-tune. This one is just fine. It’s... fine.

87) All Time Low - “Trouble Is...”

Is All Time Low the Katy Perry of pop punk?

86) Tee Grizzley f/ Payroll Giovanni - “Payroll”

I have never heard of Payroll Giovanni, but I have two questions:

1) Is this his song, and he got Tee to jump on it?

2) Or, did Tee write a song called “Payroll” and think to himself “You know who would be great on this? Payroll Giovanni!”

Favorite stretch:

Listen, we is not the same, you say "door", I say "dough" You say "floor", I say "flow", you say "for sure", I say "fa'sho"

85) Lady Gaga & Ariana Grande - “Rain On Me”

Coming out in 2020 probably hurt this song, because I have no, like, out of the house memories with it. You can only have so much fun with Big Singers Singing over a pulsing beat when it’s coming from the phone in your kitchen as you’re indifferently scrambling eggs.

84) Benjamin Gibbard - “Life In Quarantine”

Now this is a song you can do nothing to; almost feels like it’s reluctant to even exist. It got released in March of 2020, so the outro (“No one is going anywhere soon”) served as a too sad reminder/mantra for what the year was about to be. Second shout out to Gibbard for the many YouTube sets he put together during the early stages of the pandemic (when so many of his peers were trying to figure out the next move).

83) Cardi B f/ Megan Thee Stallion - “WAP”

This felt less like a song and more of a “whoa, did you see the music video?!” and/or a means to relitigate the eternal question “What is the sexual line in music?” And while it was fun to watch people freak the fuck out... the quality itself really needed to be better.

(Note: YouTube video is the edited chorus; explicit version here)

82) McKayla Maroney - “Wake Up Call”

Former Olympic gymnast McKayla Maroney -- of medals and memes fame -- dips her toe into the music waters. It’s inside-the-box modern pop music. One thing that’s hard to escape: it doesn’t really sound like her.

81) Chelsea Cutler - “Sad Tonight”

He vocals really remind me of Alessia Cara.

80) blink-182 - “Quarantine”

Blink doing a Bad Religion impression. Docked a few points for the very weak chorus lyrics (“Quarantine, fuck this disease”). That said, as serious as the song comes off, there are some clever punchlines to be found.

79) Dave Hause & Brian Fallon - “Long Ride Home”

This is kind of a nothing song, but it’s easy listening. Also, if your guitar leads can’t clear the “Could Bobby have written or performed this?” bar, then said leads are probably pretty weak.

78) Travis Scott & Kid Cudi - “THE SCOTTS”

Two artists who pair so well together, it’s hard to tell who exudes more influence on the track (eh, that’s not true, it’s Travis Scott, but Kid Cudi is more of a roommate than guest). They want you to be high by the time the instrumental outro hits.

77) The Strokes - “Bad Decisions”

The beginning sound feels somewhat evolved, but by the time Julian Casablancas croons “Making bad decisions”, the song feels like it could be on their debut album “Is This It?”. And it goes in and out like that from there.

76) Thundercat - “Dragonball Durag”

Thundercat is one of those artists I wish I liked more, but when the occasional track does hit, it’s a momentary glimpse into what real fans seem to always see.

75) TI f/ Lil Baby - “Pardon”

Standard fare. Lil Baby’s cameo is very meh.

74) Porches - “Do U Wanna”

For a song that repeatedly asks “Do you want to dance?”, it sure makes you feel like you’re moving in slow motion.

73) NOFX - “Thatcher Fucked The Kids” 

On the best-named album of the year (“West Coast vs. Wessex”), Frank Turner and NOFX cover each other’s material. To start us off, the legends take a song from 12 years ago about British politics from 40 years ago and, well, very easily apply it to right god damn now in America.

72) The Bombpops - “Dearly Departed”

Ahh, my year’s first cancelled concert. The listed names in V1 always make me want to skip this song -- but patience, grasshopper. Chorus is aight.

71) Ratboys - “Alien With A Sleep Mask On”

This band name will never match what the music sounds like.

70) Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever - “She’s There”

The vocals in this song channel, like, four completely different singers for me, ranging from Bob Dylan to Cloud Nothings.

69) NOBRO - “Don’t Die”

An anthemic chorus meant to be belted in a room with sweaty strangers.

68) Oliver Tree f/ blink-182 - “Let Me Down”

The original solo version of this song is 1:52, and though the blink cameo pushes it over the dreaded two minute mark, it adds enough diversity to justify the choice (keep an eye out for the quick Green Day lyrical nod in the back half).

67) AJJ - “Normalization Blues”

This dropped in January, and if you thought the year was bad then. Punk News:

I'll admit I do want the album to age badly because I really don't want to have to listen to it years later and still say this is the world we're living in.

Said album being titled “Good Luck Everybody” is straight cryptic.

66) Selena Gomez - “Rare”

Very chill for big pop; triplet rhythm singing in the chorus gets me erry time.

65) Kid Cudi & Eminem - “The Adventures Of Moon Man & Slim Shady”

Cudi’s second split collab yields bigger results than his Travis Scott joint (admittedly with a worse beat here). It rarely ever hurts to let Eminem do the heavy lifting.

64) Alkaline Trio - “Smokestack”

A little cheerier than the average Alk3 song, but Dan Andriano seems like he’s been in a great place for a long time now; confident and in control. For me, the whole song builds up to the “You changed my life” chorus.

63) Frank Turner - “Scavenger Type”

Here, Frank takes on the acoustic closer to NOFX’s legendary 1994 album “Punk In Drublic”. Though the energy boost is most noticeable, my favorite part is how you can hear how much Turner loves this song as his melody bursts on the verses.

62) Mike Posner - “Alone In A Mansion”

Mike Posner, an artist I have a very soft spot for, released a storytelling concept album in 2020. From the intro track:

This album was written, recorded, and produced over a period of two weeks in Detroit, Michigan in my parents' basement. It's meant to be listened to all the way through. At least on the first listen. And it's about 36 minutes long. If you can't devote 36 minutes of undivided attention to this album, I again politely ask that you turn it off and return at a later time. I love you and I thank you for taking the time to listen in the first place. Also, it's important to note that the characters and the stories in this album are completely fictional. In addition, anyone struggling with a mental illness - depression, schizophrenia - should not listen to this album. Turn it off.

So those are the stakes. Pulling this song -- the record’s closer -- feels unfair void of context, but them’s the breaks.

61) Nada Surf - “Just Wait”

Heavy hitting chorus without having to be heavy; this could really work in a movie.

60) Matt Pond PA - “Wild Heart”

This having only 805 views on YouTube is criminal.

59) Liquid Death - “Unnecessary And Unimpressive”

Liquid Death -- in this iteration -- is a punk rock supergroup with members of Rise Against, Anti-Flag, The Lawrence Arms, and The Bombpops. If that didn’t interest you enough, all lyrics in the project (which, I believe, is for charity) come from hateful comments or negative reviews. Of the four artists involved, this sounds most like a Bombpops song, with Jen on lead vocals as others chime in.

58) PUP - “Rot”

Off my silver medalist for album name of the year (“This Place Sucks Ass”), PUP doesn’t do anything new here, but it was relieving to see them still going in 2020 when so many others got roadblocked, both physically and creatively.

57) Paul Harrold and the Nuclear Bandits - “Massanutten”

This reminds me of local Chicago artist Al Scorch. So much earnestness in the vocals, but a little more prairie for Harrold compared to speakeasy for Scorch. This would be a good road trip song. And I’m not talking about singalong... more for the stretch where you want to sit in silence and look out at the sun-kissed land blazing by. The song’s greatest victory is getting me to like something that cracks 6:00.

Note to future me: Massanutten is in Virginia (saved you a Google).

56) Kesha f/ Sturgill Simpson, Brian Wilson & Wrabel - “Resentment”

Kesha has been vulnerable in the past but never this stripped down sonically; the chorus would feel right at home on a country radio station. Love a good bridge, too.

55) Megan Thee Stallion f/ Beyoncé - “Savage (Remix)”

An up-and-comer pairing with a legend rarely lets down when both sides are this locked in. Bey wins. Fav line: “If you don't jump to put jeans on, baby, you don't feel my pain”.

She matches flows with Megan but also brings melody. Her blessing takes this song from pretty damn good to undeniably great.

That beat, too.

54) Red City Radio - “Baby Of The Year”

If all you want to do right now is grab a drink in a bar, here is a video built to troll.

(Also: a Liquid Death cameo?!)

53) Nathaniel Rateliff - “And It’s Still Alright”

The last time Mr. Rateliff had our attention, he just wanted a drink. That hit had a chorus with the very-sad-when-removed-from-the-song “If I can't get clean, I'm gonna drink my life away” lyric. Well, our man got sober since. And when the party is over, the introspection comes.

52) Direct Hit! - “HAVE YOU SEEN IT?”

Listening to slowed down Direct Hit! is like watching Usain Bolt lightly jog. It kinda makes sense because the core action is there, but it also feels sort of incorrect.

51) Hayley Williams - “Dead Horse”

Solo Hayley songs have this feel like they could do anything at any time... but then don’t. This one does the same until a very fun chorus breaks it up.

50) Kid Cudi f/ Phoebe Bridgers - “Lovin’ Me”

Probably the most improbable collab on this list (if 2020 hadn’t repeatedly taught us to not be surprised by anything).

49) The Homeless Gospel Choir - “Don’t Compare”

Listening to The Homeless Gospel Choir is kind of like getting a dedicated pep talk from a good friend... while fire rains down from the sky.

48) Carly Rae Jepsen - “Let’s Sort The Whole Thing Out”

Queen vocals with one prince of a tempo; this chorus is Sour Patch Kids riding Twix logs down a soda pop waterfall -- and it’s a b-side.

47) Green Day - “Meet Me On The Roof”

I like this song because it reminds me of summer and because it doesn’t really sound like Green Day (but still totally does).

46) Broadway Calls - “Meet Me On The Moon”

Promise -- swear -- I was gonna compare this Broadway Calls song to Green Day before realizing they both had titles about meeting in an escalated location. That said, I did put them next together on purpose to more coherently make this point.

45) David Rokos - “Building Bridges”

My buddy Dave wrote this song, and I think I’ve asked him three times what “burning sugar” meant (he says it’s a reference to absinthe). This song will make you want to travel to enjoy not only the places but the people around you.

44) Charli XCX - “claws”

Charli XCX keeps it futuristic in a video that could be described as sexy, cheesy, goofy, and playful-yet-serious.

43) Brian Fallon - “Lonely For You Only”

This is too easy and should not work (and maybe doesn’t). But that chorus... that circular phrasing... it still takes me all the way out. But I’m the same cat who proposed while a Gaslight Anthem cover was playing.

42) Waxahatchee - “Fire”

This song could be in a different language and hit just as hard.

41) Harry Styles - “Adore You”

Purifying pop.

40) Local H - “Hold That Thought”

Hardest rock song thus far. Local H was one of the first artists to play “live” once the lockdown hit (on a simultaneous YouTube/Facebook stream), and watching them attack music in their Chicago practice bunker felt a little bit like taking in the end of the world. New songs, old songs, covers -- it didn’t matter; their cool, unmatched apathy fits a pandemic or peacetime.

Ironically, was able to see them live in 2020, as they played a socially distanced, outdoor drive up concert in a minor league baseball parking lot. It wasn’t the same, but it was still something.

39) Crazy & The Brains - “I Don’t Deliver Pizza Anymore”

This song is just cool*. The verses feel tense and crucial, it starts to unspool in the pre-chorus, and the chorus itself feels like a light comedown more than anything else.

(* -  though the lyric video is docked some points for spelling y’all as “ya’ll”)

38) Drake f/ Fivio Foreign & Sosa Geek - “Demons”

Menacing Drizzy can be very fun from time to time. Also more than happy to keep “Toosie Slide” very far away from this list.

37) Hey Dad!!! - “Life’s Alright”

Small band, big song; though summer feels light-years away.

36) insignificant other - “i’m so glad i feel this way about you”

This song lands a big haymaker in the first few seconds, so it was probably a good call to pull back some for the chorus and, eventually, outro.

35) BTS - “Dynamite”

Heard they made the lyrics bad on purpose for their English hit, which makes sense, because they’re bad. That said, if you listen knowing they’re supposed to be bad, it kinda makes them... good? Listen, 771 million views would have me singing nursery rhymes in Pig Latin.

34) DaBaby f/ RODDY RICCH - “ROCKSTAR”

Someone said this could be the song of the summer, but, because there wasn’t really a summer, I feel like I only heard it once all year. Also, are we really pretending Post Malone* didn’t just do a “like a rockstar” song three years ago?

(* - and N.E.R.D. before that and Cypress Hill before that... though N.E.R.D. only waiting a year after Cypress, so maybe DaBaby actually was patient)

33) The Front Bottoms - “the hard way”

Don’t take it easy on the animal / I am the animal

Not quite sure what this line means, but I fixate on the phrasing every single time. This song sounds resigned in a very self-aware way.

32) The 1975 - “If You’re Too Shy (Let Me Know)”

For a band called The 1975, they sure sound like they’re on their ‘80s shit here. Also, a real thing that happened:

Me: Is he coercing her to get naked?! I thought this band was woke.

/scans lyrics

/notices “She said” before the “Maybe I would like you better if you took off your clothes” line

Me: Ahh.

Sax solo, take us out.

31) Charly Bliss & PUP - “It’s Christmas And I Fucking Miss You”

A song that is already a forever staple on all my future Xmas playlists.

30) 2 Chainz f/ Ty Dolla $ign & Lil Duval - “Can’t Go For That”

Shorty said she love me / I said “I love me back”

This is a real genre blur; rap at its core, but also soulful, funky, and very danceable. Damn creative.

29) Billie Eilish - “Therefore I Am”

Billie's 2020 gave a few singles -- but no new album -- and a body shaming scandal where the backlash to the backlash probably caused more headlines than the tweet that started it all. Still, she stays on cruise control above the clouds; can all eyes be on you if they can’t even make you out?

Video for this is fun, too. Not sure if her running amok in an empty mall is more of a COVID necessity or commentary on the dying retail industry. As always with her, fill in your own blanks for now.

28) Future f/ Drake - “Life Is Good”

This was my most listened to rap song in the first half of the year, and bumping again now, almost forgot how good it is. Drake just chasing one-liner Instagram captions in the first half:

- “Haven’t done my taxes, I’m too turnt up”

- “N****s caught me slipping once, OK, so what?”

- “B****, this is fame not clout, I don’t even know what that’s about”

And, of course, “Workin’ on the weekend like usual”. The man could make anything glamorous. Let’s hit that H&R Block, bro!

Future’s back half is a totally different song and feels mostly like noise, but the vibe is cool, so I don’t even totally mean that in a bad way. You can even make out a “Got Promethazine in my blood and Percocet” lyric to mark your Future bingo card and immediately move on.

27) I’m Glad It’s You - “The Silver Cord”

This song feels like cold air blowing on the back of your neck.

(Sidebar: thought this band was called The Silver Cord until literally right now)

26) The Spill Canvas - “Mercy”

A dreamy, distorted, at-home version of whatever you remember The Spill Canvas sounding like. This song is confessional and at peace, with the Grade A self-loathing we’ve come to love from this band.

25) 100 gecs f/ Charli XCX, Rico Nasty & Kero Kero Bonito - “ringtone (remix)”

100 gecs first hit my radar with the explosively obnoxious “money machine”, but that’s a 2019er, so this remix to “ringtone” will have to do. It’s catchy like a younger sibling persistently singing a song you’re sick of hearing*.

(* - /only child trying to work in sibling analogies)

24) iann dior f/ Machine Gun Kelly & Travis Barker - “Sick And Tired”

Iann Dior -- ...yeah -- channels Juice WRLD on the hook, and MGK/Travis Barker buoy a track that, honestly, doesn’t really even need the help.

23) Nick Lutsko - “Unleash Your Spirit”

Lutsko hit my radar on Twitter with some legendary political anthems (word to the RNC and Dan Bongino + his Dashboard Trump parody). “Unleash Your Spirit” is the song I most fear hearing (or even thinking of) within a few minutes of going to bed. Not because it’s Halloween theme is scary -- because it’s that god damn catchy. It permeates your brain. True story: a week ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with “Bobbing for apples with the boys” so ingrained in my head, it felt like someone was standing there yelling it through a megaphone.

22) Dogleg - “Kawasaki Backflip”

Bad 2020 robbed many concerts from us, and not getting to see this band live might take the cake. I end the year liking them but could have been *all in* with the right performance and the right venue. Also, Song Title of the Year until further notice.

21) Eminem f/ Juice WRLD - “Godzilla”

Eminem has all of the words and all of the lyrical dexterity, but sometimes it feels like there isn’t anything to ground him. Enter: one of the best beats he’s ever spit on and a Juice WRLD hook to give it pop angle. But let’s not put Slim in the corner -- when he starts accelerating at the end, it’s is a true “holy fuck” moment. It sounds faster than if you actually fast forwarded.

The video ends with a touching audio message from Juice WRLD.

20) Soccer Mommy - “circle the drain”

This song is so gloriously ‘90s; it leans in and does not care.

19) Sam Russo - “Always Lost”

The first time I met you, we were on the last bus You passed me a bottle, and I knew you were one of us

Took 25 words to hook me; I was txting friends before the first chorus even hit.

18) Sincere Engineer - “Trust Me”

Deanna Belos pushes her vocals in this one. I asked about the performance, and she said it was one of the first ones they recorded in the studio, but when they were done and listening back to everything, she re-did this track because her throat was much more used to what the song required.

“That’s why it sounds like I’m on roids lol,” she added.

17) Jay Electronica f/ JAY-Z - “Flux Capacitor”

Jay Electronica signed to Roc Nation in November of 2010. At of the start of 2020, he had still -- STILL HOW FUCKING STILL -- not released a debut album. When he announced it was finally dropping in February, it was met with skeptic eyes. He’d “announced” before. Shit, he’d even posted track lists of albums that never saw the light of day. He was a tease’s tease. It ended up getting a release date of March 12. As the pandemic got really bad in the March 11 zone, he finally had an actual reason to delay the proceedings (the plan: a studio live stream listening party*).

But no -- this is Jay Electronica. Why wouldn’t he drop as the world was ending? The same reason why his costar wouldn’t not have a watch like a Saudi prince. It had to end for it to happen. I wish I saved the memes, because they were fantastic. All I have is my own Twitter memory to prove it happened:

I love this song entirely: the “get the gat” hook (soooo New Orleans), Hov calling out the NFL/acquaintances clout chasing his potential death/rapping forever bars, Jay Elect’s ham-fisted and awkward ass Farrakhan line. Everything is exactly where it should be.

Final verdict on the full album: I don’t know, a B or B+? It had a lot more Jay-Z than expected (wooo), but -- and I rarely say this -- it could have actually been longer.

16) New Found Glory - “Greatest Of All Time”

NFG with a song referencing the Jordan-Rodman-Pippen Bulls only a few months before “The Last Dance” aired. Dare we call it marketing genius? The punk beat does not care; the punk beat is too busy taking souls.

15) Dave Hause f/ Amythyst Kiah & Kam Franklin - “Your Ghost”

“I can’t breathe”

On the heels of the George Floyd/BLM protests came Dave Hause’s somber attempt to capture the moment, desperation, and hurt. On a podcast, he said he was aware he might not ever lead the movement but still wanted to contribute something in an effort to use his platform as a white artist to change someone, anyone’s mind going forward.

14) Taylor Swift - “this me trying”

The chorus makes me feel like the crowd is parting like the Red Sea on a high school -- shit, no, middle school -- dance floor; smoke machine and all. Your crush is waiting for you on the other side. What are you going to say?

13) Phoebe Bridgers - “Kyoto”

Phoebe is one of the best lyricists out because of her specificity, but even though this song is about her dad, you can really fit it to your own narrative.

12) The Lawrence Arms - “Last, Last Words”

The Lawrence Arms wrote their new record (which singer Chris McCaughan described as “this end of the world outpost”) prior to the pandemic, but once you start to process album themes -- and research its namesake -- you do wonder. All of this, combined with some “Catcher In The Rye” references, and we’ve got ourselves a winning formula.

Dressed to kill for oblivion 

11) New Lenox - “Fairytale Of Gary, Indiana”

Your boy plays drums and is on the cover art for this one. Dave Rokos wrote the tune, which references The Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York”. Good news: no slurs in the Gary version. We’ll have you in and out in 90 seconds. Also: say hello to the recording debut of Alisa Caruso (some backup vox at the end). 

10) Beach Slang - “Tommy In The 80s”

My most played song of 2020, but it really was more of a byproduct of how early in the year the album dropped. I’m still such a sucker for it, though. Other than forced nostalgia, not totally sure what the track is about. Did learn Beach Slang recruited former Replacements bassist Tommy Stinson to play on their LP, which was named -- /deepest of breaths -- “The Deadbeat Bang of Heartbreak City” (so maybe it has something to do with that).

9) Juice WRLD f/ Mashmello - “Come & Go”

The :55 mark. Wait until the :55 mark. When the guitar kicks in and tempo doubles, we have a real “oh, shit!” moment. I knew who Juice was when he passed but only “Liquid Dreams”. His 2020 album (“Legends Never Die”) showed us of what could have been; 55 minutes, loaded with cameos and creativity and experimentation. This song had me in its gravitational pull immediately. By the end of the year, they were using it on sports broadcasts, and it felt like a ubiquitous part of the culture.

One of my favorite days of 2020 was visiting the Juice mural in Chicago with my wife. We went impulsively during the day after someone posted a picture on Twitter.

I snapped one of my own and posted to IG with the Signals Midwest lyric “There is such quiet grace in private moments in public spaces”. The band responded with “RIP JUICE”; the perfect online exchange.

Shortly after, I was out with a different group of friends, and we went back at night. This time, it was protected by a fence you had to squeeze past. When we got through, there were kids in there smoking, taking pictures, just hanging out; empty liquor bottles lined the bottom of the mural. Even though it didn’t take all that long to make it there, it still felt like a journey and total ‘movie moment in real life’; a complete rarity in a year like 2020.

8) Mac Miller - “Good News”

Maybe I’ll lay down for a little...

Sadly continuing the theme of artists gone too soon, we have this reflective Mac Miller single, which feels more like self-eulogy than traditional rap. You feel it the entire time. The song crests with “There’s a whole lot more for me waitin’ on the other side”, and it conveys a readiness for whatever happens next.

7) The Dirty Nil - “Done With Drugs”

I don’t pray to Jesus or even own a suit

We lost the creators of our last two songs to substances, and, if we are to take this song at face value, The Dirty Nil don’t want to go down the same path. Drying out never sounded so cool and defiant... until the IKEA suggestion.

6) The Weeknd - “Blinding Lights”

Uptempo Abel is undefeated. My favorite pop song of 2020 has you feeling like you’re speeding through the empty streets of nighttime Las Vegas in a stolen car; indifferent to your environment, only tuned in to your personal desire.

And, on the lamer side of the spectrum, it spawned a catchy TikTok dance.

5) Spanish Love Songs - “Self-Destruction (As A Sensible Career Choice)”

It won’t be this bleak forever... yeah, right.

SLS has always been over-the-top with their lyrics spotlighting the hopelessness of the human condition -- so it was the *perfect* combo to being locked inside with nothing looking to forward to. Bonus: fun cake video.

Though the song’s core is uncut despair, a random moment I remember from 2020 was my wife telling me “I can hear you smiling as you’re singing” from another room as I belted the despondent chorus.

4) Worst Party Ever - “False Teeth”

This song sounds like The Front Bottoms; insecure yet so full.

3) Run The Jewels - “the ground below”

There were a lot of songs *about* 2020, but I’m not sure any artist soundtracked what being alive now is like more than RTJ. My favorite rap song and rap record of 2020.

Fav Killer Mike line: “Not a holy man, but I'm moral in my perversiveness / So I support the sex workers unionizing their services”

Fav El-P line: “I'll slap a dying child he don't pronounce my name correct”

2) The Menzingers - “America Pt. 2″

The Menzingers unexpectedly released an acoustic, re-done version of 2019′s “America (You’re Freaking Me Out)” single. It dropped on my birthday -- June 5th, 2020 -- as the rage in this country boiled over and protesters took to the streets. Though some of the lyrics remained the same, the new ones were changed with true purpose:

Well George Floyd was murdered by a cop The whole world saw the video and watched Now justice is long overdue Grab your pitchforks, we’re heading to Pennsylvania Avenue

I had nothing left when the first pre-chorus hit: “I hope the Devil and Donald and Mitch McConnell rot in hell for all tomorrows”. Tattoo this on my fucking soul.

All funds from the song were donated to Community Bail Funds (via Act Blue) & Campaign Zero. I purchased the track before hearing a note.

1) Machine Gun Kelly - “My Bloody Valentine”

Going into the year, I couldn’t tell you the difference between Machine Gun Kelly and Mac Miller -- now they’re both fixtures in this Top 10. All I really knew about MGK involved tattoos and a rap battle lost to Eminem (not that anyone ever beats Eminem).

In 2020, he took a punk/emo turn, with the services of GOAT drummer Travis Barker and new squeeze Megan Fox at his side. This song’s lyrics could potentially be cheesy but aren’t -- they all land. From the simulation going bad to not wanting “fake love” to all the damn second guessing and the earnestness that just won’t let you off the mat.

Every piece to the puzzle adds something: the messy hair, the Ken doll build, the forced iconic pink guitar that now feels actually iconic. It was almost like no one had any fun this year so he could have all of it on our behalf. There’s a half second shot of him sticking his tongue our during the pre-chorus, a joy 99.99% of us never got to feel.

The album itself was just as fantastic*; a 2000′s pop punk throwback with a Halsey duet, horrible skits (hi, Pete Davidson FaceTime), OpIvy lyrical nod (complete with a royalty check), a warp speed punk track that doesn’t even crack the minute mark, your token 6/8 ballad, acoustic closer (about his daughter), and some experimentation that leaves the new genre but still stays nearby; shades of Lil Peep, if he had Blink-182 as his backing band. Speaking of, please do not miss Travis’ fill at the 2:30 mark.

(* - named “Tickets To My Downfall”... woof)

MGK could get cancelled tomorrow, but we’ll always have this year in a bottle. The acoustic version of the song (sung in a lower resister), the 10 minute making of video (that I watched, uh, twice)... shit, he even turned it into a medley at the start of 2021.

It might be cliche to say “stay winning”, but when someone stacks this many W’s with no end in sight, what the fuck else do you call it? Real love.

* * *

Thank you so much for reading. Here is the Spotify playlist (includes 87 of the 88 songs).

[shawnpetermuffins]

Pictured with You (viii.)

A/n: please don't hate me for this. I swear it'll get better.

Summary: noticable tension and... sick days?

Warnings: do I even need to warn about angst anymore? I mean, its me we're talking about. Of course it's angst. But also not really.

Word count: 2.2k

***

We're never alone anymore. Haven't been in weeks. It's strictly professional, like it was always supposed to be. But it's killing me slowly not talking anymore. That was always the fun part of this, but I not only ruined any future prospect of us bring linked romantically, but now we're barely even friends. That's what hurts more than anything. Because the things I couldn't tell Connor were things I could tell Shawn and he'd be more than willing to listen to me go on and on about whatever. And Connor listens, of course he does, but he's bluntly honest and sometimes a little overly judgemental. He's always been the rational one in our friendship, while I go and mostly make things a bigger deal than they need to be. I love having him, but I miss how easy it was with Shawn. But every time I think I've built up the courage to talk to him about that night, talk to him about us, I chicken out at the last second.

We're all lounging around the green room, a few of the band members playing their imaginary instruments, going through the chords they've played at least a hundred times before just to be super sure they have it. I snap a photo or two of Shawn fiddling with his inears. They're a little tangled with the collar of his shirt and I have half a mind to go over and help him. So I do, without thinking about it, somehow forgetting that we haven't talked in weeks. That we haven't been this close to each other in weeks. That he probably doesn't even want me anywhere near him after I just left him without warning - like so many girls before me have done. (I thought they were idiots to leave this precious man alone after only a night with him. They were, but somehow I'm one too, now.) Which is probably why his body tenses ever so slightly when he feels my fingers on the back of his neck, untangling the tiny wires.

"Sorry," I say so low I think he can't possibly hear me.

But he mumbles out a soft "thanks" and looks down at himself, debating with himself whether or not he should unbutton his shirt a little more, exposing the black undershirt and the chest hair that peaks through that top. He buttons and unbuttons the same button three times while I stay standing there.

"Leave it unbuttoned," I mutter. "The fans go crazy for it."

He doesn't respond, only looks in the full length mirror that is currently reflecting his tall frame and my shorter one, and finally unbuttoned the shirt one more time, leaving it at that with a single pop of his collar.

My breath catches as I remember leaving marks all up and down his torso, more toward his waist though, knowing just how big the story would be if the fans saw hickeys around his chest and neck. That didn't stop him from leaving them all across me though. I swallow harshly, pushing the thought away as I walk to the other side of the room where my camera bag is sitting. I take out one of my other lenses, trying to decide which one I want more. The one I was using now took the greatest portraits, but the other caught the details in the background, with its wider angle. I'm mulling it over when I the light beside me shifts a little.

I turn my head to see Mike smiling warmly at me. "Hey," I say, switching out the lenses.

"Hey." He just stands there while I take a few test shots around the room.

"Need something?" I ask when he still hasn't said anything.

"Do you have a second to talk?"

I shrug, "Sure. What's up?"

"No, not here. Follow me?"

I furrow my brows but promptly follow anyway. We stand just outside the dressing room, but far enough from the door that you couldn't hear us unless you were literally standing in the doorway - or you know, if there wasn't nearly 50,000 people screaming lyrics back to Shawn's opening act. "Mike, is everything okay?"

"That's what I was just about to ask you."

"What?"

"You look like you need to talk to somebody. And the guys and I have noticed a little bit of… I don't know, tension between you and Shawn lately."

I bite the inside of my cheek, trying to think of anything to explain why he's noticed and why we're being weird. "It's nothing. We got in a fight. It was stupid."

"Well, it can't be that stupid if it has you guys avoiding each other for three weeks. Did something happen?"

"Mike," I plead, not wanting to tell him the intimate details of my one night with Shawn. "Look, don't worry about it. I'm sure we'll be back to normal in a few days." If I could stop being so goddamn terrified of talking to him. "We're just both too stubborn for our own good."

"Are you sure? Because you can tell me. I'm not gonna go out and tell anyone. I'm just worried about you."

I shake my head, "No. Really, we're fine."

"Just a lover's spat, right?" He questions with a smirk.

I let out a nervous laugh, "something like that, I guess."

"Hey," he pats my shoulder sympathetically, "It'll get better. You guys will make up. I'm sure of it."

"Yeah, thanks."

"And I mean, you're bound to have a few fights here and there. It's hard being with a person twenty-four/seven for months on end. Especially a significant other. And when the relationship is still so new?" He shakes his head, "But you guys will come out of it even stronger. I can tell just by the way you look at each other."

I furrow my brows, mostly because he thinks we're together. "How do we look at each other?" I ask timidly.

"Like you're the only two in the room." With a chuckle he adds, "sometimes it seems like you want nothing more than for that to be true."

I swallow hard because right now more than ever, I do wish it was true.

---

Shawn literally goes on in less than five minutes, and even though I've been there for dozens of shows already, I feel suddenly really nervous, nauseous actually. Like extremely nauseous. The whole crew is walking toward the stage, but I'm steps behind them all, growing slower by the second as my stomach turns over again and again. We are just passing the bathrooms when I run into the women's room, barely making it into a stall in time to spill my guts. I cough a few times, finally standing up. I try to be as quick as possible because the crowd is getting louder and I can hear Mike on the drums. I rinse my mouth out, grab my camera from the sink and book it to the main stage, practically running into Andrew on the way.

"Where were you?" He asks, but he doesn't seem mad, more concerned. He definitely noticed how pale I looked, just like I noticed in the terrible bathroom lighting. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," I mumble. "Just forgot my extra memory card. But we're good."

"Y/n," he catches my arm before I can walk away. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm good," I nod and he finally lets me go, just in time to catch Shawn walking onto the stage, the crowd becoming deafening.

"Where were you?" Connor yells in my ear after the first song is over.

"I got sick," I say back, bringing my camera up to my eyes.

"Again?"

I shrug. No, this isn't the first time today that I've thrown up. It's actually the third, but the only person who knows that is Connor, and that's because he was with me when it happened the first two times. I don't think much of it, even though I probably should. I don't get sick often, rarely ever, if I'm being honest. And I especially don't get sick to the point where I'm throwing up. I'm assuming it's just my body's way of finally rejecting all the steady travel I've been doing.

Different time zones every other day, different food, different weather - one day it's hot, the next I need three jackets to provide me even the slightest amount warmth. It's got to be that. There's nothing else I could possibly think of that would have me feeling this sick. Except for one thing…

Please god, don't let it be that. Let it be absolutely anything else in the world but that.

---

Connor follows me to my room after the show and I plop against the cool pillows without any thought at all. But I feel his eyes on my aching body.

"What?" I groan, sparing him a glance through my hooded eyes.

"You've gotten sick a lot today."

I hum, "I'm fine. It's probably just a stomach bug."

"Could be that," he nods and sits down next to me. "Or it could be something else."

My body stiffens at the thought. "Connor-"

"You're pregnant, aren't you?"

I let out a broken sob, covering my face. "I don't know."

"Y/n… how could you be so careless?"

"I wasn't! We were safe!" I say, removing my hands from my face dramatically.

"Clearly not safe enough if you might be pregnant."

"Stop saying that. I'm not!"

"You don't know that, though. That's the problem. That you don't know. This could be really bad for you, and Shawn! Your careers are literally at their peaks. You can't have a baby right now."

"You think I don't know that? You think I want to raise a baby on my own at twenty-one?"

He frowns, "what makes you think you'd raise the baby alone?"

I only glare at him. "Really? A twenty-two year old rockstar, who can literally have any girl in the fucking world, is going to settle for his knocked up tour photographer. Think about that for a minute, Con. That type of thing doesn't happen in real life. That's movie stuff."

"He'd be a great dad, you know." He says it softly, mostly to himself.

"I know," I sigh. "But not now. I can't spring this on him now. Especially not when we haven't really spoken to each other in weeks."

"You have to tell him."

"Not if there's nothing to tell. And why are you all of a sudden on his side? Every chance you get you're telling me that he and I can't be more than friends. What's this 'he'd be a good dad. You have to tell him'?"

He just shrugs, "despite everything that I tell you, I really do like Shawn as a person. I tell you all these things because I don't want to see you get hurt. He's gone so much and whether you like to admit it or not, you need attention."

I gape at him and slap his arm, "I'm not an attention whore!"

"That's not what I mean," he laughs. "I just mean, with him being gone like 10 months out of the year, you're not gonna get the attention that's needed in a relationship. You'll feel left out. He'll feel bad for not being with you more. You'll both be miserable. And I'd hate for that to be the case."

"And what would that mean for… this hypothetical baby?" I ask, putting my hand on my stomach.

It takes him a while to say anything, "I think he'd stop for that. I think he would do everything he could to be a part of the baby's life. But a girlfriend is a different priority than a baby is, y/n. He doesn't have to stop for a girlfriend. But he would for a baby. Especially because you know he wants kids. He wants to give them the world and he'll stop at nothing until he does just that."

I don't say it, but I know he'd do the same for a girlfriend. Maybe not stop touring, but I have first hand experience on what he would be like as a boyfriend. Attentive and sweet and cautious and aware. He does all the things Connor says he won't be able to, and that's what makes it so hard for me to back away from this.

---

After another agonizingly long hour of discussing what I should or shouldn't do, Connor finally leaves the room. I let out a deep breath and close my eyes, leaning against the door. This whole night was too much, first with Mike and then Connor. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't girls claim to have guy friends because there's less drama?

My phone buzzes from my nightstand where I put it to charge only minutes ago. I roll my eyes, still standing at the door, and I wait there for a good three minutes before I make my way over.

Shawn's name lights up my screen and my heart falls into my stomach. I gulp as I read the text over and over at least three times.

We need to talk

I pray to God that it's not as bad as I'm anticipating. But then I remember what I might have to tell him and I know it will be.

Yeah we do. My room, 10 minutes?

How about 5?

Ok…

And just as I throw my phone down on the bed, another wave of nausea hits me. Jesus Christ, please don't let me be pregnant.

***

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[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #261

“i hate you for every time you ever bled for me.”

If you have a job, how long is your shift? I'm unemployed. Do you ever wear your hair in a pony tail? It's too short for that. What language did you take up in high school? Latin for one semester, then I took four of German. Do you like sunflowers? It's illegal to live in the South and not lmao. Have you ever held hands with someone in a car? Yeah. Would you rather be called honey or baby? Hunny. What is your favorite card game? Even though I never learned it super well, I used to enjoy Magic: The Gathering and have actually been like dying to play it for months lmao. How many emails were you sent today? None. What was your favorite Christmas gift you got last year? Well I mostly got money life chose I didn't get to use, lol. I honestly don't really remember anything else prominently... sounds bad, but yeah, so is my memory lmao. What have you thought up yet for this year’s list? Well it's only April, but a treadmill or something like that is at the top right now. Do you have any embarrassing usernames? Ha ha, none that I still use. Do you have a backpack in a shape of an animal? No, but I almost got a meerkat one. But it was too small. :'( Have you ever waxed your legs? OW no. My hair is too long and thick. Have you ever taught a little kid to flick people off? lol wow no. Have you ever itched yourself until your skin was raw? I do that remarkably easy, especially on my legs. I literally have long scars from it. Do you always clear your history after using the computer? No. Have you ever had your food stolen by a bird? Ha ha nah. Are you responsible for stuffing someone's stocking? No. Do you make your own smoothies or juices? No. Do you like oatmeal raisin cookies? I absolutely hate raisins. What age do you think is too old to still live with your parents? It greatly depends on a lot of things: the person's health, financial position, etc. Have you ever watched Bob's Burgers? A couple times. It was pretty funny if I remember correctly. Denim, leather or varsity jacket? UUUUGGGGGHHHHH leather. I've wanted one since middle school. ;_; Has a teacher ever caught and read a note you were passing in class? No. I honestly didn't pass notes, but I find it mean as FUCK when teachers do this. Privacy is a goddamn thing that should be respected. I do not support passing notes in class, like you're there to learn, but having it shared in front of all your peers is not the fucking answer. I get heated about this shit. What's your favorite perfume that you own? I only own one that's called "Blush" from rue 21. It smells really nice, though. Do you clean things that are already clean when you're bored? No. I'd rather clean something that isn't already. Do you have an older brother? Yes. What do you do when someone overweight complains about being overweight? Lol I'd probably say "mood," but it depends on our relationship of course. Like there're times to be humorous and light-hearted about it and other times when you don't make it about you. If they're clearly more sad and especially if I don't know them well, I'd say something like "I understand," because I can almost guarantee I do about this. Have either of your parents ever been to jail? No. Have you ever been to jail? No, I'm a good noodle. :) Are your collarbones prominent? No. ;_; You can see them, yeah, but they're not like very obvious. It's one of my biggest motivators to lose weight though because I am dyinnnnggg for dermals there, but I think it would look weird without that contrast. Have you ever in your life worn overalls? When I was a kiddo. Ugly things. Do you own anything tribal print? No. Do you watch any beauty gurus on YouTube? I'm not even very interested in beauty, yet I love Jeffree Star??? Nikkie is cool too. I've found I watch more for personalities than content, in all genres of vids. Do you like Skittles? More like LOVE. Do you have a PillowPet? No. If you do, what kind of PillowPet do you have? N/A Do you have sleep paralysis? Thank the fuck to god no. That shit sounds absolutely terrifying. Is there anyone at home right now you wish wasn't? No. Do you like Placebo? Tbh I can't think of one song by them rn. I know I've heard them, Mom's even got a CD I'm sure I've tried out long ago when I got into her music, but obviously nothing stood out well enough, at least back then. Has anyone ever carried you to bed? As a kid, yeah, usually my dad. Could you happily date someone prettier than you? Yes???? Do you know anyone with cancer? Both my mom and grandmother right now. Are you easily offended? No. Do your parents buy you most anything you want? HI we've always been poor so no. Not just that, but they knew better than to spoil us. Have you ever tried to jump a fence? I have. Do you watch My Strange Addiction? No. How attracted are you to the last person that kissed you? A bit above moderately ig. Have you ever known a white supremacist? HUNNY I live in the South. In regards to who do you think "what if?" Jason as a fucking whole is my absolute "what if." Do you like the smell of a barbecue? Yes, even though I enjoy like almost no food at most of them. Doesn't stop it from smelling good. Has anyone ever called you apathetic or unemotional? I can't even imagine someone calling me that, no. I'm the polar opposite. How much money do you spend in a month on clothes or accessories? None in the average month. What was the last clothing item you wore that doesn't belong to you? A pair of Mom's pants. I didn't have any clean pairs. Do you own anything with your state or providence's name on it? No. Got no interest in sporting anything relating to a boring-ass, bigoted, racist state. How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking? WOW A LOT!!!!!!!!!!! Do you like the Paranormal Activity movies? Yeah, I do. I mean yeah, they're fake, but what horror movie isn't even though it claims it is, honestly. How do you like your oatmeal? Apples & cinnamon with a bit of sugar. Does it make you feel better when an ex starts dating someone unattractive? No. Appearance doesn't mean shit when it comes to what the heart wants. What's your favorite way to eat peanut butter? In a sandwich w/ grape jam. Do you fall in infatuation easily? Infatuation, I'm not sure. Who has initiated most of your first kisses? Considering almost all previous relationships, usually me as they all knew I needed to go slow. I'd only do it if I was aware they'd wanted to kiss already, though. Do you like bows? Omg yes, cute shit. Has a boyfriend ever made you breakfast? Yes. Jason first went to college to be a chef. Are you more likely to show affection through your words or your actions? Probably words when you consider I'm slow with physically doing that, but I'm honestly really affectionate either way when I'm comfortable with you. Do you like Cheez-Its? VERY MUCH SO omg keep them away from me. Do you ever use coloring books? Not anymore. How do you feel about instrumental music? I have to be in the mood for it. Have you ever been on a trapeze? No. What's the coolest natural event you've ever witnessed? I still don't know to this day what it was, but I THINK it was a star exploding. Scared me, man. Seeing the big lunar eclipse last year was also wicked cool. Do you know how to use chopsticks? HA, I never could. Not with my tremors. Do you buy chocolate after Valentine's Day when it goes on sale? No, I don't need chocolate. Do you think bunnies are cute? I would fight God to give a lop-eared bunny one (1) pet. Do you personally know anyone who is an author? I've had a friend get something published in a magazine before, and during one stay at the psych hospital, I met a published poet. His stuff was really good. Last time (if ever) you were on an airplane, where were you going? Otw home from Illinois. Do you know anyone who is left-handed? Yeah? I'd assume everyone would at least know one... If people could read your mind, what would they usually find? The thought "I'm bored" every five minutes. What's a song that makes you feel happy? "Jump" by Van Halen came to mind first. How did you meet your best friend? YouTube. Do you need money to be happy? To a degree, yes. Money can buy happiness - but again, to a degree. Saying it doesn't is bullshit. What's a good idea you've had recently? Probably just OC ideas, lmao. I've thought of some decently cool stuff recently. what is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Cinnamon rolls uggggghhhhhh How many slices of pizza do you usually eat? Two or three if I'm seriously hungry. If you could switch places with someone for a day, who would it be? Is "Mark's girlfriend" even remotely surprising lmao but no seriously she's an amazing and productive person like I WISH. What's the last song you listened to? "Roots" by In This Moment is on rn. Do you like the movie Zootopia? Ye! Do you ever go on Pinterest? Yeah. What's the last kind of chocolate you ate? A Reese's. Tell me a line from the song you're listening to: "I'm stronger than I ever knew - I'm strong because of you." Have you ever participated in a march/protest? No. Have you ever performed in front of a large audience? Yeah, for dance classes and school stuff. What did you eat the last time you went to the movies? Popcorn. I may have gotten sour gummies, too? Idr. Who was the last person to see you cry? Mom. Do you listen to music every day? There are rare days where I don't. I'll be watching too many actual videos. Do you have a hard time making decisions? A STUPID hard time. I'm extremely dependent, including when faced with decisions. I second-guess myself with everything. Do you start the shower water before or after you get in? Before. How many times have you been to a museum? A good number of times. We live pretty close to an art + science one. Are you going to be getting any new pets soon? Most likely not. Would you rather be a Panda or Grizzly bear? A panda so it wouldn't be legal to shoot me lmao. Do the stairs in your house have carpet? We only have one floor. Can you do a twirl like a ballerina? Oh wow, no. Even when I was a dancer, I SUCKED at that. When you were younger, were you ever in a relationship with someone you now realize was way too old for you? No. Is your family dysfunctional? To a degree. How old were you the first time you travelled alone? 22? What's the longest hotel stay you've ever had? I don't know. Not long. We only ever really stayed at one when we had to go to Myrtle Beach for annual dance competitions, and those were only like, a weekend. What architectural style was your childhood home? Uhhh idk. Very normal. Tell me a bit about your last relationship. What was it like dating them? It was great, but also stressful because of distance. What's the largest animal you've seen in the wild? Maybe like a large buck or something. Do any of your friends or family members have strange occupations? Not that I'm aware of. Have you ever been in weather so severe that you feared for your safety? Oh yeah. What political issues are the most important to you personally? Gay rights and the pro-choice stance. Does your neighborhood have a community garden? I've never even heard of such a thing. What small thing makes you automatically distrust someone? Acting secretive or cryptic about who they are as a person. Of all the states/provinces in your country, which one is your favorite? Visually that I've seen a good number of pictures of, Utah. Are there any obscure foods you've eaten that most people have never tried? I very much doubt that. What's the kindest thing a total stranger has done for you? I'm unsure. Have you ever used a meal kit delivery service? Yeah, I did one of those diet things before... but the name is evading me, even though it's super common. Nutrisystem, maybe? Do you have any pets? If so, how old are they? Venus is around five, and Roman is two. Do you have any psychological issues rooted in events from your childhood? My psychiatrist and former therapist predict my discomfort around men, particularly when they're behind me, and extreme fear of rape is rooted in two kids from pre-k that used to chase, randomly hug the hell out of, and try to kiss me. I'd actually entirely forgotten about it until we really started to dig deep, so I guess it's a repressed memory. Do you remember your locker combinations from high school? WOW no, son. What's your favorite DIY crafts youtube channel? I don't watch DIY stuff. What was your high school's mascot? Firebird. Who were your best friends in high school? Hannia, Megan, Maria, Girt, and Dennis were The Crew. Who was your first boyfriend or girlfriend? Aaron was my brief puppy-dog love, but Jason was my first real boyfriend. Would you rather sleep on the top bunk or bottom bunk? Bottom. If I slept on the top, but bottom is getting crushed lmao. As a little kid though when Nicole and I shared a room, I had to have the top bunk until I got a bit older. What insects are you afraid of? BEETLES, CICADAS, AND LARVA GET THE FUCK OUT. Honestly most insects scare me to a degree. Have you ever had a secret admirer that left you notes? I think the aforementioned Aaron did in middle school at least once before we dated. What was your favorite thing to do at sleepovers when you were younger? Swimming in the pool, if they had one. What's one way in which you're still a child? I'm dependent as shit on my mom. What's one way in which you're old? I now say "back in the day" sometimes lmfao. Do you feel old or young? Or do you feel both at different times? Both at different times. Did you ever skip a grade or get held back a grade? No. When you look at your baby pictures, do you recognize yourself? Only once at a certain age. What is your favorite thing to do in the pool? Just kinda swim around and think, or watch nature. Have you ever taken a picture at the perfect moment? I know I have, but they're evading me, gaaaah. What color(s) eyeshadow do you wear the most? I only ever wear black. What’s your favourite brand of peanut butter? Uhhh never really paid much attention to brands. Do you put all your stuff for class in one binder or several? When I was in school, I had one binder with dividers, but I also had specific folders too. What’s your favourite Lunchables meal? The nachos. How many languages can you recite the alphabet in? Two. What’s your favourite flavour of sunflower seeds? I hate those. What’s your favourite flavor of muffin? Chocolate oof. Have you ever had carpal tunnel? I do. I haven't had problems in a couple months, though. Are you one of those people who is really smart but has no common sense? OW FUCK OFF. How old were you when you met your first love? I was just shy of 16. Did you get ice cream from the ice cream truck when you were little? Do they still have an ice cream truck where you live? We occasionally did as a kid, but they definitely don't have that where we live now. Has the last person you kissed met your family? She met my mom, dad, and younger sister. What was the last strong emotion you experienced? Who was responsible for it? Remorse. Myself. Have you ever had to cancel a bank account? Yes. Was the last conversation you had an argument? No. If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? I am not in the financial or mental position to get married right now. Where was the last place you got completely wasted? I've never been "wasted." If you could have anyone as your roommate, who would you choose? Sara. Have you ever changed the prices of items at a store? Wow no. Well, MAYBE when I actually worked in stores and I was supposed to, but I don't remember doing that. Do you go for walks often? I never do because of having no area to (my house is along a dangerous curve), and I need to be very careful because of muscle atrophy in my legs. I need to have easy access to a place to sit and recover or else I get very close to collapsing. As mentioned, I desperately want a treadmill. Would your parents disown you if you got pregnant? No, I'm 24 years old. My mom would never in her life do that at any age anyway. How strange do people say you are? Idk?? That's not something I really try to find out because my AvPD would possibly make me cry asldkfjwe. Have you opened food at a grocery store & ate it without or before paying? I would never do that without, but I have before in cases of being very dizzy and knowing I desperately needed food. How artistic are you? I think I'm pretty artistic, but more in concept than actuality... Like I have so so so SOOOOOO many ideas, particularly with drawing, I just don't. Do it. Can you legally drive? Not currently, because my permit has been expired since last year. Did anything dramatic go down yesterday? No. Do you find smoking unattractive? Very. Have you ever been in a situation where you had to be around your ex everyday? No, thankfully. Have you seen someone recently you used to talk to, but don’t anymore? No. Are you comfortable sharing drinks with your friends? No; I don't even share drinks with family. Honestly, have you ever written something on a bathroom stall? No, I hate that shit. When you were a kid did you ever look up “sex” in the dictionary? Actually no. I literally didn't learn anything about it 'til family life in the 5th grade. Is there anything written on the shirt you’re wearing right now? No. Are you shorter or taller than most of your friends? I'm a normal height, really. Honestly, do you double dip? If I'm sharing, no. All you have to do is break the chip. What was the last junk food you ate? I had a little bit of popcorn yesterday.

[broke-n-bitchy]

Wicked Dreams

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

-

Nikki Sixx x OC

Part Five

Warnings; drinking, cursing, smoking, drugs use, angst, lil smutty 

-Lucy’s POV-

August 9th. Today was already a particularly hard day for me. Today marked the ninth year of my mother’s death, it was still hard for me to believe that I’ve spent almost an entire decade without the only person I could ever truly rely on in this fucked up world.

Back at home, I would usually spend this day with a six pack next to her grave. Sitting there, peeling off the flower petals off of the bouquet that I’ve gotten to lay in front of her headstone. I would cry, laugh, and talk to her like she was right there with me. I don’t know if it was the booze, but it felt like she was. And before I’d leave, I would make sure to remind her that I’m doing alright.

This is the first time I haven’t been home for this day and honestly, it was hitting me like a fucking brick. Staring at myself in the mirror of the dressing room, I heard a knock on the door, “Lucy, you guys are on in ten!” Doc explained through the door, “I’ll be right there!” I responded, I was ready but for some reason, I couldn’t find my boots. Did I leave them back at the hotel? No, I don’t think I did.

Looking around frantically, I began tearing apart the dressing room.

That’s when I heard another knock on the door. “I said I’ll be right there Doc!” I yelled I knew he was impatient but damn. I was running around barefooted. 

Most girls’ get necklaces, bracelets or whatever else from their mother, but my mom was a field medic and of all her belongings, I always loved her combat boots. I was so happy the day I could finally fit into them without shoving socks in the toes.

They were extremely beaten up, writing all over them, being held together with duct tape but I didn’t care. I’d wear those until I couldn’t anymore.

Those boots and my guitar were the only two things that actually made me feel like she was right there with me, every single night on stage.

“Actually, it’s Nikki. I uh- I have something for you.” I quickly came back from losing my train of thought, “Oh, come on in! I’m dressed.”

The door opened and he stepped inside, he was holding a medium sized white box in his hands,

“Not now, Sixx, I can’t find my boots anywhere.” 

“Oh, that’s what I have, here they are.” He handed me the box with a small, awkward smile. He wasn’t used to doing nice things for other people, as a matter of fact, he sucked at it.

“Uh.” I didn’t know how to respond but I took the box and pulled the lid off. Looking at the pair of brand new, studded leather boots that could reach up to my knees. These weren’t it. These weren’t the army green boots being held together by a thread.

“Where are my old ones?” I asked him, trying my best to make sense of the situation.

“Oh, yeah, those. I threw them away.” Without any hesitation, I threw both new boots at him, “What is wrong with you?!” I yelled, not even holding back. I have been on my best behavior all day, I haven’t cried or anything. I was honestly saving up all of my anger and sadness for the stage so I could let it out in a positive way but Nikki just happened to push me to my last limit.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He yelled back, moving a bit closer, “They have torn the fuck up and honestly, making the entire bus smell like fuckin’ death! I thought maybe you needed a new pair! Why are you being such a fucking bitch! I do something nice for you and this is how you thank me!?” At this point, he was hovering over me, his normal tone dropped to a low bass sound and honestly, it scared me a little but I wasn’t going to let him know that.

“They were my mother’s, Nikki! My dead mother’s! Today is the anniversary of her death and I wanted to wear them tonight! I didn’t want new boots, I just wanted those! And I don’t have to thank you because I didn’t ask for them!” Pressing my finger against his chest, I paused but wasn’t going to stop there.

“I know you don’t know what it’s like to have anything of sentimental value or know what it’s like to feel closer through an object that was from someone you loved, but just because you grew up in a shitty home doesn’t mean you can go around disrespecting the rest of us and our fucking shit! Keep your hands off of my shit from now on!”

I honestly couldn’t believe he did this. I know it sounded stupid, I know to anyone else it was ridiculous that I was getting hyped up over a pair of shoes but right now I didn’t care.

He stared at me and the expression on his face was unreadable, but there was a small glimpse of sadness in his eye from what I said. It disappeared faster than it came.

“You know what? FUCK YOU! Fuck your shitty attitude, and fuck your dead mom! I don’t give a fuck!”

“You don’t give a fuck, because you only think about yourself! It’s suffocating with how fucking self-absorbed you are!” I know I was being way too harsh but this was just years of anger finally bubbling to the surface.

The craziest part about all of this was that last night, we were taking turns snorting coke out of this groupies belly button, laughing, and having the time of our fucking lives. I’ve become such a good wingman that at this point, even Vince and Tommy turned to me for help.

He stared at me for a moment before getting extremely close, hovering over until I could feel his breath against my cheeks. He smelled like liquor, blow, and sweat, but the mixture with his cologne had me drawn to it.

His voice was so low that it sends a shiver down my spine, “You and your fucking band were nothing but nobodies, barely getting gigs back in Texas, and if it wasn’t for us answering your call, and if it wasn’t for us, you wouldn’t even be drawing a crowd bigger than it is now. You play good, you look good, and your band has brought in a lot of new fans. And if it wasn’t for us, you’d be living in a shitty apartment with three guys working some dead-end fucking job, getting nowhere in life. So if I were you, I would watch your fucking mouth on who you’re talking to. Because I can easily take this away as easily as I gave it to you.”

No one, not even my mother, has ever spoken to me like this. Ever. It was just my mom, cousin, and I for most of my life. I didn’t know my dad so she always tried to be more gentle than firm. I guess that’s why what he said was turning me on. He never broke eye contact, didn’t even blink. I felt a lump in the back of my throat. He was right, I should be more grateful for what I have. I also shouldn’t have said what I did to him.

But I wasn’t about to let him know that. 

There was someone who cleared his throat at the doorway, “Sorry to interrupt, but Lucy, you’re on.”

I nodded, shoulder checking Nikki while I grabbed the boots, sliding them up to my legs and zipping them. He got the size right. I had my converse, but I wasn’t about to wear those with studded jeans and a leather crop top.

 “We’re not done talking,” Nikki said before I bolted out of the door. 

-Nikki’s POV-

Standing on the side stage next to Vince and Tommy, I watched as our opening act performed. Normally, I’d be in the back drinking and fucking whatever girl gave me the first glance but I was too pissed off.

Why did Lucy have to be so fucking stubborn? I tried doing something nice for her and she goes off. But, fuck, how was I supposed to know that today was her mom’s death anniversary? We weren’t exactly good at deep conversations.

I hate that she’s so damn stubborn and prideful. You know what else I hate? The fact that she’s fucking talented, because now I can’t fire her.

Her with her laid back attitude, being my wingman. Her fucking soft hair and how does she always smell like cherries? It was obnoxious, like even after getting off stage drenched in sweat. 

Watching as her little hips shook to the beat, her head banging while sliding down onto her knees during her solo, I couldn’t help but crack a small smile. In spite of everything that annoyed me about her, she was a natural on stage. They all were.

“Nikki!” Tommy yelled in my ear, shoving me over, “What?” I asked I didn’t realize I was thinking so hard. I don’t think, like ever. I just do.

“I said here, have a bump. Were you not listening?”

“No,” Responding, I grabbed the small dish, quickly snorting up two fat lines, proceeding to scoop some up with my finger and lick it then passing it along to Vince.

Snagging the bottle of Jack from Vince, I took a swig and nearly spat it out and what I saw Lucy do next. She slid across the stage then proceeded to hold her guitar up in the air while dry humping the stage during Ryder’s drum solo. Holy shit.

It drove the crowd insane, she stood up and reached her hand out to some of the fans, running towards the center of the stage next to Alex, they sang the last bridge of their final song for the night together.

I’m not going to lie, during their audition, I didn’t really pay attention. Not until I heard her voice. Alex was a damn good singer but there was a part of me that felt like Lucy should take over as lead, just the way she was so natural at it and in spite of our fight earlier, I had to respect her for everything she goes through and still pushes to be her best every night.

Once their song was over, the crowd roared through the venue, Alex spoke up, “Thank you! We’re System Insomniac, but it’s time for the main event! Motley fuckin’ Crue!”

The crowd roared even louder.

We were about to go on in about fifteen minutes, roadies had to set up props and replace the instruments.

“That was gnarly dudes’!” Tommy yelled in excitement once they came off the stage, he lifted Lucy up and twirled her in his arms while giving Sami a high five,

“That was hot Lucy,” Vince told her as soon as Tommy sat her down, “Thanks, yeah I wanted to try something new.”

“Well, it worked,” Alex laughed while draping his arms over Lucy and Ryder.

“Lucy, can I talk to you for a minute?” I spoke up after realizing I was being quiet.

“Uh, yeah. Sure,” Stepping off to the side to leave everyone else to speak amongst themselves.

I never did this but I was about to apologize, but instead, her arms reached up and engulfed me in a huge hug. “I’m so sorry I was a bitch to you earlier, I am. It’s just been a shitty day for me today and I took it out on you. I shouldn’t have.” She mumbled in my ear before pulling back, her bright blue eyes meeting mine. But tonight, they were a little more grey. Her hands still rested on my shoulders, and goddamnit, how does she still smell so fucking good?

“You were right, I really should be more grateful for everything. And I am, I really am. This, this is my dream and you helped make it come true, Nik. Thank you, and I’m sorry about the whole boot situation. It was actually really thoughtful of you to go get me a new pair, and I appreciate it. As much as I loved my mother, and I loved those boots, you have to let go of the past sometimes. Right?”

I didn’t really know how to respond, “Right.” Was all I could really say, her touch had this odd effect on me. A part of it felt soothing. In some sort of way.

She nodded, her chest still heaving from her compelling performance. “So, are we good, Sixx?”

A smirk played at my lips whilst I took the chance to snake my arms around her waist, tugging her a bit closer to me, “Yeah, we’re good.” Her grin grew wide and she pulled me into another hug. Burying my face into her neck, my hand slid down her ass and gave it a small squeeze.

“Nikki!” She squealed, letting out a laugh, “Sorry, a force of habit.” I removed my hand and let go of her embrace even though a part of me didn’t want to. “I’ll see you after the show, doll,” I told her before turning around and bolting off towards the stage.

Later that night 

Once we were done with our show, we hopped off the stage and went to meet everyone else in the back.

They were all sitting in the small lounging area, Lucy had changed from her stage outfit into a pair of cut off shorts and a tank top, but she was still wearing her new boots. She was twirling a pen in her mouth while staring down at her journal, Ryder was sitting in the back where Mick at joined to drink.

Alex and Sami were talking to us about going to a party, and Tommy and Vince were on board. “Coming, Nikki?” Alex asked, “Hang on a minute,” I told him before going and plopping down next to Lucy, draping an arm over her shoulder.

“What is it with you and cut off jeans?” I questioned while my other hand played with a loose string of fabric that hung off of her thighs, “We country girls love our Daisy Duke’s.” She responded without looking up, placing a cigarette between her lips and lighting it.

“Interesting. So, you coming along to the party tonight?” Pulling the cigarette from her mouth after she took a drag, and taking a few drags myself before handing it back to her.

“Um, I was actually just going to go back to the hotel. Maybe spend some time in the jacuzzi and have some alone time.” She told me while glancing over at me.

Looking up towards the guys’, “I’m just going to go back to the hotel tonight.” I told them which was rare. Nikki Sixx never missed out on a good party.

Tommy gave me a weird look but quickly shrugged it off. Sami walked over to us, pulling Lucy up off of the couch and into a tight hug, “I miss her too.” I heard him say while he squeezed her tightly. She nodded, and I watched a small tear escaped and slid down her cheek, “Yeah, I know. I love you, man,” She patted him on the back before withdrawing her arms, I could tell she was trying her best to console her tears. “But you go have fun tonight, okay?” She smacked him on the arm and he nodded before heading out the door with the rest.

“Better make sure they don’t end up dead, see you guys’ later,” Mick told us before heading out with Ryder.

-

Back at the hotel, I headed back to my room and waited for about twenty minutes, and after changing, I went and knocked on Lucy’s door. I heard her say hang on, and a few seconds later she opened the door. She was wearing a red bikini and had a bottle of wine in her hand along with a few towels, I smiled a little at the sight. I know we’re just friends and that’s all we will ever be but that doesn’t mean I can’t stare at her smokin’ hot body.

“Where’s your usual scotch or bourbon?” I asked her, eyeing the bottle in her hand.

“I’m in the mood for something sweet tonight.” 

Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out a little clear baggy of white powder, “I’ll join ya,” She smiled, giving me a small nod before stepping outside of her room and shutting the door.

We started walking down the hallway, and once we reached the elevator, she turned to me, “Okay, what gives? Why aren’t you at the party, doing body shots with one groupie while another one sucks you off?”

I shouldn’t have laughed but that was a pretty damn good assumption of what would probably be happening at the party if I was there.

“Well, I thought maybe you’d want some company tonight.” I shrugged. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it.

-Lucy’s POV-

Sliding into the jacuzzi, I let out a groan in pure bliss. My knees were killing from tonight's performance. Popping the lid off of the bottle, I took a drink before leaning against the ball of the tub. Looking over, Nikki was sitting in the chair next to me, he was staring.

“What?” I questioned, cocking an eyebrow in confusion.

“When’s the last time you got laid?” He asked me out of the blue. I don’t even remember, it’s been so long. I leaned back, trying to remember.

“That’s sad,” He laughed at me while starting to sort lines of blow on the table he was sitting in front of, I rolled my eyes and shrugged.

“Sorry, I’m a disappointment,” I told him while taking another drink, he snorted up a line real quick before leaning down and pulling the bottle from my hands, taking a drink.

“I meant that’s sad for you, I mean, you’re always getting us laid but never worry about yourself?” I shrugged, I never thought of it that way.

“I guess I’m one of those people that needs to have a whole lot of sex,” I told him, stepping out of the tub and standing over the table, I took the straw off of the table and snorted the next line, sniffling a little bit before dipping back in.

Glancing up, I watched Nikki start kicking off his shoes and unbuckling his pants, “What are you doing?” I asked him while he stripped down to his boxers. My eyes scanned his thighs up towards his torso before reaching his jawline, I bit my lip before glancing away.

“The fuck does it look like?” He slid in next to me, putting an arm behind me while leaning back, “Mm, taking a night off was a good call,” He said while staring up towards the night sky. “Yeah, it was. Until you joined me,” My wit was going to get me in trouble one day. He seemed to just ignore me while he kept his gaze upwards, and mine was on his facial features. He hadn’t wiped his stage makeup off yet and it was smudged at this point. But for some reason, it suited him.

I don’t know if it was the high or what but my fingers started dancing mindlessly across his chest, “You were really good on stage tonight,” I told him as I placed my hand onto his cheek so he could meet my gaze. He gave me a smug smirk.

“So were you, doll.” I felt his hand dip into the hot water and tug me closer by my hip. He had the bottle of wine in his other hand, and I reached for it, taking another drink before passing it back to him.

I know what he’s like, I know what he does. Hell, I help him pick up women almost every night. So, why was I feeling like this? What he said to me earlier, about taking everything away from me; it just changed my perspective on all of this. It was seriously bothering me that the way he looked at me earlier, with such intensity, and what he said, it turned me on. No guy has ever spoken to me like that before.

We sat there, in silence. Just listening to the jets in the hot tub, staring up at the sky while passing the sweet wine back and forth to each other. It was weird, to see him like this. Relaxed and unwinded, not having Tommy or some groupie latched to his side.

“Hm,” I hummed while stepping out of the jacuzzi, drying my hands off and picking up his little baggy and the straw, I dipped back down into the tub. “‘Nother bump?” I asked, pft, like I needed to.

His head perked up and watched while I distributed two even lines on the ground above the hot tub. Handing him the straw, he snorted up the first one before passing it back.

After snorting up mine, I tilted my head back with a small giggle before looking back towards him. He had a little blow on his lip.

“Hey, you have a little-” He met my gaze, his green orbs poured into mine while I swiped the little bit of coke off his lip with my thumb. I didn’t break eye contact, nor did I realize what I was doing. Placing my thumb between my lips, I sucked the rest of the residue off before letting go with a loud ‘pop’ noise. Biting my lower lip afterward while I tried to suppress a giggle but failed.

“Fuck,” He breathed while he swallowed harshly. He leaned back, letting out a breath and taking a long drink from the bottle, I grabbed it from him and finished off the rest of it before leaning over and pushing it off to the side, my back facing him because I was trying to aim it in the trash can a few feet away from us, but failed miserably.

I felt a pair of rough fingers start tracing the tattoo next to my shoulder blade on my back, “What does S-L-R stand for?” He questioned, I turned to face him halfway so he could still see my tattoo, “Suzanne Lynn Rollins,” I responded. Lovelace was just my stage name. Rollins was my maiden.

“Oh, okay, it’s a badass tattoo,” He complimented, turning around, I moved closer until I was standing between his legs. Sadly it was the only one I had, but I looked forward to getting more in the future. Tracing my fingers across the ones on his biceps, moving my fingers along his arms soothingly, “I like yours, too,” I told him, he moved his hands to my waist, pulling me closer until I was propped up onto his lap.

“Mhmm,” He mumbled, my hands were planted on his chest while one of his on my waist, guiding down towards my ass, this time I let it slide. The other one coming up to move the small hairs that were starting to cover my forehead, he slicked them back for me. Thinking nothing of it, because I’m a little fucked up; my hands moved up from his chest to the sides of his face, moving his hair away from his eyes so I could see them better. Scooting up a little closer, I straddled his waist. His hands rested firmly on my hips to stop me from moving, “Knock that off, damn,” He grunted, and I started laughing, “What, why?” I questioned, raising my eyebrows.

He leaned upwards until he wasn't propped against the wall of the hot tub anymore, his face a few centimeters from mine. “Because,” He mumbled. The breath in my throat hitched, what was happening right now? And how could it be so wrong if it just felt so good?

My eyes glanced from his down towards his lips, licking my own. I couldn’t fucking take this anymore. Leaning in, my lips smashed against his in a needy type of way, and he didn’t hesitate to return the kiss. It just felt so fucking good, his lips tasted like sweet wine and cigarettes.

His hands went from holding me firmly in his lap back towards my ass, giving it a firm squeeze, mine went flying to his hair, tugging and pulling at it like I wanted to do since the first time I’ve laid eyes on him. He nipped at my lower lip and I gladly opened my mouth up to the invitation, our tongue swirled together in sync in a very heated kiss. He grunted into my mouth, and it sent a vibration down my spine. He stood up and I took the opportunity to snake my legs around his waist, he backed me up against the wall, his hands squeezing and groping my ass one moment, the next running them up to the curves of my hips before back down again.

My own went from pulling at his hair to running them along his back as I tugged his lower lip between my teeth.

He groaned in what seemed like frustration, pulling away from our kiss, we were both breathing heavily, and he looked at me like he was asking if he could keep going. I was quite literally breathless, all I could do give a nod. He grinned, burying his face in the crook of my neck, nipping and biting at the skin. Letting out soft whimpers, trying my best to keep as quiet as I could, he moved downwards to my cleavage and he immediately found a soft spot that I didn’t even know I had. Right above my right tit, he gave it a little nip and I let out a moan instead of a whimper this time. He smirked against my skin before he kept suckling at that same spot. I could feel the heating sensation between my thighs and I knew there was going to be a hickey there later.

“Oh my god,” I breathed, tilting my head back while my mouth fell open, he reached around behind me and began fumbling with the strings of my bikini. He was about to untie it until we heard a very loud voice followed by someone pushing the gate open that led to the pool area.

“We’re back!” Tommy yelled and Nikki quickly pulled back from me and moved to the other side of the jacuzzi, “Oh, hey!” I exclaimed in false excitement. What a cockblock.

“Where’s everyone else?” I asked, he was walking around with some blonde on his arm, “Went up to their rooms, mind if we join ya?” He asked but he was already taking his clothes off.

“Sure man,” Nikki said while keeping his eyes fixated on me, “Yeah, but I’m actually headed to bed. Night guys.” I quickly withdrew myself from the jacuzzi, grabbing one of the towels from the chair and wrapping around my body before heading back inside. I was mentally cursing Tommy right now.

I know what I said but Nikki just had this way about him. Shit, I was going to need a cold fucking shower after this.

@triplehaitches​ @knightwhosaysnii​ @lovesick-heart0​ @carmineharry​ @slowandangry​ @rxsesinjune​ @fandomshit6000​

[glamrockmonarch]

Pls do a 2019!Rog dirty imagine :(

Omg Anon! Are you ok? Are you in pain? Let me heal you with some fluff and filth! Sorry for the wait, I hope it is worth it!

Warnings: Yeah, it’s smutty my friends. Also, I didn’t proof-read this.

Ps. I got carried away. The songs in here are “Stomp!” by The Brothers Johnson, “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” by The Rolling Stones “Rock You Like a Hurricane” by Scorpions, and “Livin’ On a Prayer” by Bon Jovi.

You are dancing in your room in only your underwear. Roger had to go to a meeting with Brian earlier, some sort of dinner with the new director for Bohemian Rhapsody; you had decided on not going with him so the men could get down to business without any distractions, you doubt Brian would show up at the restaurant with Anita.

While Roger left you decided on taking a long bath, it would be a great way to relax after a stressful couple of days. You have been pressured by your bandmates to write at least a couple of songs for your next album, but your brain has proved to be dry of creativity and inspiration. And although the bubble bath has done wonders with your back and legs, you need to let out some steam.

It has just been so long since your last tour. You miss the stage, the thrill of playing for the audience, the sweaty hugs you share with your bandmates ones the show is over, damn, you even miss sleeping on a tour bus.

So, of course, you get your favourite Fender precision bass and pull the strap over your head once you step out of the bathroom in your lilac panties and bra. With the speaks in the room turned on and the volume all the way up, you press play to one of the playlists on your phone. “Stomp!” by the brothers Johnson plays in the room and you start playing the line by heart, fingers feeling stiff at first from the few months since you last played this song during a recording session for Roger’s stuff. Once you’re comfortable with remembering the song you sing along too, moving from one side of the room to the other, stomping along to the beat. You sway your hips and turn.

“Stomp, you don't want to quit, put your heel where you're feeling it…” you sing.

The next song is one by a band you have discovered recently, the heavy bassline flows along with the sound of the guitar, you turn your amp up to overpower the speakers and get the sound of your instrument of choice to come through louder while you sing along to “Overnight”, letting your fingers go over the strings and close your eyes in innocent glee. Once the song ends you feel your spirits lifted, and go to your closed with your phone in hand. Leaving the bass on your bed, you go through your clothes and find a fur coat Roger gave you as an anniversary present, with it on you press play on a different playlist, distancing yourself from your the more funky music you are playing right now.

Skipping into the room with the beautiful black fur coat on, barely covering your ass and hanging open while you grab your bass and play again you dance around, jumping to the rhythm of the rolling stones’ “(I can’t get no) Satisfaction” you smile to yourself getting all the satisfaction you need from the simple act of pulling on the strings with your index and middle fingers as your left hand works the frets. It is only after a few more songs, while you play along with the Scorpions that Roger walks in on you putting on your crazy show. Your voice is loud and clear, rough and raw as Meine’s. Your husband closes the door, with all the care in the world not to make a sound that could make you aware of his presence. You shake your hair that you did not wet in the bathtub, it falls around your shoulders as you dance for a moment longer.

“He's licking his lips, he's ready to win, on the hunt tonight for love at first sting!” You move your leg, stomping on the carpet with your bare foot as you play along.

It is until the end of the song that you turn around and find the drummer watching you. With a hand coming up to your chest you jump back and close your eyes. This is not something embarrassing for you, it’s not the first time you have done something alike.  

“Cheeky rock and roll in the bedroom?” Roger wonders as the next song starts to play.

It’s Bon Jovi, so you have to admit, it’s pretty mainstream stuff. You shrug and look down at the fretboard, waiting for the bassline to start, you think you remember all of the songs, and it does take a few seconds into it for you to really get the hang of it, most of them you have not played in months or even years. Like riding a bike, you have surprised yourself tonight with how well you can still play most of them.

The bass comes in and you pay attention as your fingers move almost by instinct on the four strings of your bass; once the drums kick in you look up at Roger with a grin, cocking a brow as you enjoy yourself, dancing again, moving your shoulder to the beat.

“Tommy used to work on the docks, union's been on strike, he's down on his luck, it's tough, so tough…”

You start singing to him and move your lips in dramatic moves, even throwing your head back when the “Woah’s!” come up, making sure to shake your hair around.

“We’ll give it a shot!” You go up to him and catch him laughing as you turn your back against him, almost kneeling entirely as you play through the chorus, rubbing yourself on him until he sings along with you.

“Woah, we're halfway there!” You sing to each other standing as close as possible with your bass in between your bodies.

Roger loves your attitude when you play and he cannot feel any more turned on while he watches you deliver a confident rendition of any song with your fingers working either the bass on a way only you know how to.

Once the song comes to an end you put the bass away in the corner of the room, leaving it in its case. One of Roger’s songs comes on and he goes to grab your phone to see what else have you got in your playlist.

“I can’t believe you have this playing.” He says. “What has possessed you?”

A grin appears on your face and you run up to him, taking your phone from him, as the sound of the music vanishes you turn the Bluetooth off and place your phone on the dresser. When it got quiet you put your arms around his shoulders and watch him as he looks at you with a playful grin on his face.

“What?” You giggle, feeling silly for what you had been doing just a few minutes ago.

It takes your husband a moment to explain himself, but he does not have to say much, it is his gaze falling on the valley of delicate skin that stands between your breasts, and the lick of his lips when your coat opens a little more and he catches a glimpse of your shoulder that gives him away.

Pouting, you take a few steps back and go jump on your bed, sitting on your heels you model the coat for Roger.

“Do you like this?” You pull the collar up and tilt your chin down. “It’s soft and warm.”

Roger knows what you are doing and it is something he has to admit to being into. You bite your lip and blink with an innocent expression on your features.

“Do you want to feel something soft and warm?” This time it is more of a coo.

Roger’s breath catches on his throat and he feels himself growing more and more distracted by you once you bounce on your heels and run your hands on the fur. He comes to the bed and you stand on your knees in front of him, pulling at his shirt to throw it away somewhere.

“I’d like you to take it off, love, we don’t want to ruin your pretty coat.”

The game is familiar, you play it a few times every now and then. If you fuck with the coat on, you risk of staining it with body fluids or worse: tearing it.

Already with your mind made up you push the coat of your shoulders in a swift move, Roger kicks his shoes off and his hands find your waist, pulling you closer. You kiss, his lips leading yours in soft motions that have you gripping his shoulders while his hands run up your arms, his fingertips tickle your skin and you moan into the kiss once he slips his tongue inside your mouth. Without saying anything you reach down to pull his zipper down and help him kick his pants off only for Roger to feel around your back to undo the clip of your pretty bra. Once the piece has fallen to the floor his lips pull apart from yours and his hands cup your breasts. Still, his with your lips parted and your hands on his cheeks you gasp and moan at the feeling of your husband’s hands massaging your breasts, he brings his mouth to your collarbone and puts his hands on your waist now, sliding down your body to leave small marks with his mouth everywhere. He loves to hear you moan and enjoys the way your fingers tangle in his hair when he gives you pleasure.

You are not shy at all, so you let him know what you like, how you want him to touch you if you want him to do something different.

“Rog…” You catch his attention and he brings his face up to give you his attention. “Can I suck you?”

Your husband kisses your nose and lets go of you, motioning for you to do as you please with him. So you climb off the bed and go down on your knees in front of Roger, you pull his underwear away, watching his penis spring out of the constrictive boxers. You bite your bottom lip, looking at Roger with an almost innocent look on your face. You put your hands on his hard cock and bring his length to your lips, you give it a short kiss right on the tip only to test the waters and hear Roger sigh. So now you know you ought to go slow. You lick him a few times, teasing him a little before wrapping your lips around his thick cock, licking and sucking him you feel his hands dig into your scalp and he helps you find a pleasurable pace to blow him. Roger throws his head back, he feels so close to cumming he has to stop you before it’s too late. You smile up at him once he has had enough of your mouth.

You kiss his neck when you stand up helped by him. You drop your panties and reach to pick them up, placing them on your husband’s hand.

“Darling...Rog,” you cup his face, “I think I just wet my panties!” You fake concern with your eyes opened wide.

You watch him chuckle with your underwear in his hand. He feels it between his fingers and nods.

“I think you did.” He confirms, “I would have to check…” He cocks a brow and nods towards the bed.

With a sigh you crawl into the bed right in front of Roger, sticking your ass out for him. He follows you, climbing on top of you with a smile, unable to keep up the farce he pulls you back and stands behind you on his knees.

“Oh, is this how it is tonight?” You look back over your shoulder and see Roger wink at you. “Well, get on with it!”

Roger laughs and pulls your hips back towards him, he drags his cock along your folds, feeling the wetness that has gathered in your pussy. You let out a shaky breath and close your eyes while he plays with you for a minute, he enjoys the way you shake to the simple contact, but of course, nothing beats the feeling of being buried to the hilt inside you. And with that in mind, Roger positions himself at your entrance and squeezes your hips as he pushes into your tight pussy. He closes his eyes, relishing in the sound of a long moan that escapes your lips as he fills you.

“Don’t wait, don’t…” You bring your hand to the headboard for better support, “just - just fuck me, please!”

“Oh, Y/N…” Roger is not against this, but he has to wonder if your eagerness will cost you in some soreness in the morning. “Here we go, love!”

You feel him pull out almost entirely and then back in, it stings but also feels so good, you push your hips back onto his. With heavy breaths you start picking up the pace, getting closer as he hits you hard in that sweet sweet spot that lies deep in your core. You can feel your voice getting higher in pitch and Roger’s hand travels up to your neck as he thrusts into you. He bends down and reaches between your legs, rubbing your clit and whispering into your ear.

“Are you gonna cum for me, huh?” He says. “Are you gonna make that pretty sound?”

“Rog…” You whine but it sounds in no way sad, or angry.

“That’s the one…”

“Rog!” You feel like you are about to combust when he rubs your clit faster.

The only sound in the room is that of skin slapping on skin mixed with the headboard tapping on the wall, your knuckles turn white and you come undone at Roger’s mercy, feeling him still fucking you through your orgasm. Your walls tighten around his cock as he tries to keep up the pace thrusting into you until he cums inside you. Roger calls your name and buries himself into you as far as he can go, his seed spreads inside you and leaves you breathing heavily.

You let go of the headboard and collapse on the bed, hugging a bed to your chest while Roger pulls away and goes into your bathroom to get some paper towels to clean you up. After you are both clean and tucked into bed you kiss Roger’s hand as he spoons you; a silent show of affection he returns by kissing your hair.

[grimelords]

My July playlist is here, just in time for September! Four hours of hits from Lana Del Rey, Iannis Xenakis, KISS, Cameo and everyone in between. Please enjoy.

This Is What Makes Us Girls - Lana Del Rey: This is a really underrated Lana song I think. It's such a beautiful song and it's so heartbreaking the way she sings "they were the only friends I ever had". It's like an origin story for her whole thing detailing how she got bitten by a radioactive pabst, I love it.

Walking Into Sunshine (Larry Levan 12" Mix) - Central Line: A powerful good mood song that quickly takes on a vibe shift near the end when he says I've got to do it now, I've got to walk into the sun' which carries a different meaning than 'walk into the sunshine' to me. Embracing positivity versus self immolation in a nuclear furnace.

Fine di Cobb - Stelvio Cipriani: This is the most jamming harpsichord I think I have ever heard. This is from the soundtrack to an italian cop film called Mark il Poliziotto (Mark The Narc) that I found in a spotify playlist called Best Of Eurocrime that I cannot recommend enough. https://open.spotify.com/user/cinevox/playlist/1o3c0Con0ormlKc9r1gqxgSince 

Last Wednesday - Highasakite: Highasakite might be the worst band name I've ever heard and they're so lucky this song is as good as it is that it cancels that out.

Hilary $wank - Joey Bada$$: I was originally just going to post the instrumental of this because the beat it just so, so good. So busy without being cluttered and nicely melodic without clouding the space for the vocals. I also like this song a lot because just by virtue of being so upbeat it escapes the worst parts of a lot of other Joey Bada$$ 'real hip hop' type songs that are going for a throwback vibe but end up just sounding dated.

Girls - Royal Headache: Girls! Think they're too fine for me! Oh Girls! And I'm inclined to agree!

Something To Tell You - Haim: I'm slowly coming around to Haim's second album and I've finally decided it's good actually. I just hope they do a live album or something soon because their songs are so tightly structured that I think it's almost to their detriment, and every live video I've seen of them they really pull them apart and expand them in a nice organic way that just doesn't come through on the album.

Lavender - BadBadNotGood & Kaytranada: I can't tell whether I like this orginal version or the Nightfall remix with Snoop Dogg better, the verses are just regular Snoop but the vocals they put on the chorus are so good I sort of wish there was a third version that was just them with some other rapper.

New Seeds - Boards Of Canada: Realising that the sound at the start of this is extrapolated from mobile phone interference was a shocking moment for me.

Alligator Engine - Hunters & Collectors: Hunters And Collectors early albums where they sounded like the Talking Heads of the Mad Max universe don't get enough respect because of their huge regular sounding hits a few albums later and it's areal shame because this song is pure primal funk.

Fly Like An Eagle - Seal: This is the song that plays on the little muzak speakers in the cryogenic chamber for the four minutes you're still conscious while your body cools to absolute zero. Then you wake up in 400 years still humming it.

Come To Dust - Boards Of Canada: I was having such a huge moment with this album this month and lamenting the imminent end of our favourite earth The Earth, and this is really such a peaceful sort of resolute song right near the end of the album before the real ending of Semena Mertvykh makes you feel like a body dumped in the desert for scientific research into the nature of decomposition.

Kiss You All Over - Millie Jackson: I'm still not sure how I feel about this new Millie Jackson album that's old multitracks re-mixed by Steve Levine. The whole thing sounds kind of whack. What's good however, is when she adlibs "I wanna bite you on the ankles baby" out of nowhere near the end, and then says "on the ankles.. on the kneecaps.." as the song's fading out.

The Sorcerer - Twain: My girlfriend sent me this song and I have no idea where she found it but I love it. As soon as I heard the opening line I was completely hooked. It's such a beautiful and foreboding song that I really can't get a proper read on, I love it.

Men Today - Health: I'm looking for a chrome extension that makes this song play at maximum volume whenever anyone makes a post containing the phrase 'men today'. Huge wall of noise. Bloodthirsty drums. All the dirt owns us now, what we were ends in the ground.

Where Love Lives - Frankie Knuckles: I'm eagerly awaiting the day coming soon that 90s piano house goes from naff to revered and rockets back up the charts.

Nein König Nein - DJ Koze: This is the B side to Seeing Aliens off of DJ Koze's new album and I really love it, mostly for the groove it get into about halfway through, it reminds me of High Fidelity by Daft Punk where it's just chopped to hell and builds these sort of disparate rhythmic cuts into a really melodic frankenstein.

Blush - Leon Vynehall: I think I found this song and the next one by Spotify Radio off of the DJ Koze song above. I got into a real groove at work one day and these two were the best two to come out of it. The bassline/strings melody that centres this whole song is so good and so circular it could feasibly play for two hours and I wouldn't notice.

Last Land - John Talabot: The way the vocal sample just keeps bleeding into itself is hypnotising here, and it's also maybe the best and most unique kick sound I've heard in a long time.

Suzinak - Ross From Friends: I almost feel bad for Ross From Friends because he's making some really amazing music but he's stuck with this dogshit soundcloud name. The Durutti Column sample that forms the basis of this song is really nicely placed without just feeling like a rip-off, but where this song really shines is in the last minute or so where it magically transitions into a crunching guitar driven thing that sounds like it's playing next door.

Canary Yellow - Deafheaven: The most incredible thing about this album is the sense of optimism that pervades it. This isn't a genre that really lends itself to hope or beauty but somehow Deafheaven have captured it in a way I didn't really think possible. It feels like they've expanded the emotional palette of the whole genre with this album, without sacrificing any of what makes it great.

Strutter - Kiss: I had this song stuck in my head the other day, but I'd remembered it wrong and had it mixed up with the chorus of Lovers And Sinners by Dallas Crane. In my version he's saying 'strutter' the way they say 'lovers'. There's an incredible song in there somewhere, but the original is pretty good too.

Lovers And Sinners - Dallas Crane: See above I guess. It's interesting listening to Dallas Crane now as a new generation is reappraising and being inspired by pub rock all over again and somehow the difference between Dallas Crane and Jet versus Bad//Dreems and Peep Tempel couldn't be more pronounced despite their shared roots. Where the former idolises the glamour of a bygone age of rock and roll the latter are reapprorating it in a more directly emotional, less flashy way.

Evryali - Iannis Xenakis: From what I understand from reading the wiki article on this piece this was generated by doing about five different kinds of extreme nerd graph maths and then turning that into music via more maths and when he finally turned up with the completed score it was so fucking stupid it had notes that don't physically exist on a standard piano in it. Now that's rock and roll. It's hard to make sense of this without the context of its composition because it feels incredibly random, but this performance by Stephnos Thomopoulos really brings meaning to the total chaos of it. I think solo piano is such a good medium for generative-type works like this because it feels like the simplest way to see everything happening without the tonal clutter of synthesised or orchestral sounds muddying the already extremely muddy waters.

Easy Way Out - Money For Rope: I love bands with two drummers and Money For Rope really know how to use two drummers, which is simply use them exactly like you would one drummer but pan them left and right so I can hear when they do different fills at the same time and get a thrill. A really good song about killing yourself when you're old(?)

Sophisticated Lady - Art Tatum: I've been having a big Art Tatum phase recently and it's hard to overstate just how much I believe Art Tatum came from another planet to teach us about the piano. He is really and truly from another dimension. So off the charts insanely good at making a whole universe from a simple tune. It's like every single note gets its own full trip around the block before he moves on.

Stay As Sweet As You Are - Art Tatum: This is an absolute odyssey in five minutes. Without ever losing focus, or losing track of the central theme, it's like he takes it apart piece by piece and reassembles it anew every single bar right before your eyes.

No Line On The Horizon - U2: 2000s U2 gets a bad rap, and it's mostly deserved but there's still some very good stuff in there. This song is so good, and so nicely produced it's a real shame that it opens the album that eventually contains Get On Your Boots.

Tools Down - The Presets: Not only is this song great, but they use the exact same synth sound as the one they used for Madeline's voice in Celeste, which has the nice side effect of making it seem like Madeline is singing along to this great song.

Open Sesame (12" Version) - Kool & The Gang: I've definitely put this on my list before but this is probably the best song ever recorded. It's incredible top to bottom for all 9 minutes and never fails to put me in a great mood.

Peril - Martin O'Donnell: I was thinking about the Halo 2 soundtrack and was shocked to remember correctly that this strange Enya knock-off made it into the highest selling game of 2004.

Drumgasm - Weiss/Cameron/Hill: I cannot belive I haven't heard of this album before now. It's Janet Weiss from Sleater-Kinney, Matt Cameron from Pearl Jam and Zach Hill all playing drums for 40 minutes and it's incredible. I would never have expected Weiss and Cameron to be the sort of drummers to do something like this, but they absolutely nail it. The different styles of the three really meld well and they all seem to lead at different times. This album is the sort of thing that seems like it would be extremely exhausting, and probably would be in most circumstances but somehow they pulled it off. It's engaging and for the most part, driven, purposeful music with direction; which is saying a lot for an album of three drummers just going absolutely hard as motherfuckers for most of an hour.

Apollo - St Paul & The Broken Bones: I love this song but the way he sings the first line makes me laugh because it sounds almost exactly like Drew Tarver's Donny Gary character. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9ArjvUUptw and I'm blessed to have this song about reusing mcdonalds cups play in my head every single time I'm in a mcdonalds.

Million Times Alone - Bad//Dreems: This is maybe the best song about working night shift and having depression I've ever heard. The part about sleeping in the day in the bright sun in a boiling hot house is an especially vicious sense memory for me.

Slow Mover - Angie McMahon: My girlfriend showed me this and I absolutely love it. I also feel extremely old because I just googled it and apparently it's an Unearthed song that made the Hottest 100 this year and I didn't even notice. The best approximation I can make of how I feel about this song is the google autocomplete when you google it that goes 'angie mcmagon slow mover meaning?' and the top comment on the Genius page for it that says 'I cried my eyes out when I first heard this song.’

Drop The Bomb (feat. MF DOOM) - YOTA: Youth Of The Apocalypse: This is the new band from the non-Clash guitarist and bassist from Gorillaz, as well as Jamie Reynolds from Klaxons and I'm so glad it exists because the new Gorillaz album was such a snore and this really feels like what it should have been. Somehow it seems Damon Albarn is not the thing that makes Gorillaz great, it's the other guys which is very very strange.

Word Up - Cameo: Mostly thinking about this song because of Carl Tart's extremely good episode of Comedy Bang Bang where he spoke in the cadence of this and the other Cameo song for the whole episode https://www.earwolf.com/episode/word-down/

Lee - Tenacious D: I don't know what's going on but I got into a real Tenacious D thing this month. Thinking deeply about comedy music for some reason. Anyway this song is so much fun and it reminds me of Tony's Theme by Pixies.

Tony's Theme - Pixies: I love the idea of writing a nonsense song about your friend Tony, who you love, to put right in the middle of your otherwise pretty serious alt rock album. If you know any other songs in the genre of Lee and Tony's Theme please reply and tell me them because I think it's really funny genre.

Burning Down The House - Tom Jones & The Cardigans: I woke up one morning with the sound of Tom Jones singing 'strange but not a stranger' in my head and it took me so much googling to find out it was this version of Burning Down The House that I was thinking of, without having heard it in probably ten years. I like that this song is ostensibly a duet but Nina Persson has such a thin voice and Tom Jones is the most powerful man to have ever lived that she's sort of just automatically relegated to backing vocals by default.

Horseshoe Crabs - Hop Along: I heard about this from the Jason Mantzoukas What's In My Bag video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecfWVhz-wyc. I cannot believe how her voice sounds, it's just incredible. The way she sings "baby's heading home" at the start shocked me, it sounds like recordings of three different people cut together. It's just amazing. I already loved this song a lot and then when I looked into it I found out it's about Jackson C. Frank and it made me cry.

Long Wat - Khun Narin: This is another one I got from the Jason Mantzoukas What's In My Bag video, it's a Thai pschedelic street band and it's quite simply the jam of a lifetime.

listen here

[bourbonandbadluck]

Character Sheet: Declan Hane

Character Chart

Character’s Full Name: Declan Hane

Reason or Meaning of Name: Random last name, and I just really liked the name Declan for a Gilnean.

Character’s Nickname/Alias: Bastard, Dec, Scoundrel, The Beast of Bourbon.

Reason for Nickname/Alias: Dec sort of stands to reason as most people shorten names for nicknames. Bastard and Scoundrel because he tends to get labeled a lot and those were the more polite names he’s known by. The Beast of Bourbon was the nickname he got in the Cavalry. Nothing gains you a nickname better than drinking two cases of bourbon as a worgen.

Birth Date: January 18

Physical appearance

Age:  37

How old does he/she appear: Late twenties, early thirties. He’s fairly well preserved.

Weight: 190 pounds.

Height: 5'10″

Body build: For his size he’s fairly lean, well muscled and keeps himself in good shape due to work. Can’t climb or run if you’re gut gets in the way or you have shit for stamina.

Shape of face: Square-ish? Bit of an oval tossed in.

Eye color: Ocean Blue

Glasses or contacts: None

Skin tone: Pale (Let’s face it, he’s Gilnean) But tanned to a nice copper.

Distinguishing marks: Scar causing a gap in his right eyebrow, 18th Gilnean Cavalry Tattoo on his left Bicep. Light scars along his arms and legs from combat and general fuck ups. Tattoo from his sailing days on his chest and a compass on his forearm.

Predominant features: Everyone says it’s his hair.

Hair color: Sandy blond.

Type of hair: Thick and soft

Hairstyle: Short but not cropped, kept a little longer on top.

Voice:  Mid range leaning towards the deeper spectrum, sort of gravelly.

Overall Attractiveness: General consensus is he’s very attractive.

Physical Disabilities: None

Usual Fashion of Dress: Casual and comfortable. Usually cotton shirts that breath, leather boots and comfortable pants of a cotton blend.

Favorite Outfit: His every day clothes?

Jewelry or Accessories: Besides four revolvers, he wears a braided leather necklace with a silver wire pendant housing soapstone carved into a compass, with a wedding band hanging beside it. He always has a black scarf as well and an old battered tin flask on his belt,  engraved with a horse head and faded lettering beneath.

Personality

Good Personality Traits: Sense of humor (Perhaps too much of one), Good natured, easy going and fun loving. Opportunistic.

Bad Personality Traits: Trust issues and is emotionally constipated.

Mood Character is Most Often In: Always a good mood.

Sense of Humor: Sarcastic, witty and a little dark with a whole lot of goofy.

Character’s Greatest Joy In Life: Challenges and adventure. And because it goes without saying, @shaeli-dawson

Character’s Greatest Fear: Losing the one he loves, being betrayed. Terrified of deep water.

What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil?  If something were to happen to Shaeli ( @shaeli-dawson )

Character Is Most at Ease When: He’s generally always at ease, but he’s most at ease when he’s enjoying time with Shaeli.

Most Ill at Ease When: Dealing with his own emotions, when he’s had a nightmare or forced to think about his son and his past.

Enraged When: Someone steals from him, or someone harms Shaeli (Running theme here.)

Depressed or Sad When: Thinking about his son, the what if’s and what could have beens. Thinking about home.

Life Philosophy: “Life be an adventure, so live.”

If Granted One Wish, It Would Be: He has everything he could wish for.

Character’s Soft Spot: Kids, those who have been abused.

Is This Soft Spot Obvious to Others? With kids, yes.

Greatest Strength: Professionalism, sense of humor and his ability to conceal his thoughts and emotions.

Greatest Vulnerability or Weakness: Emotions. And now Shaeli ( @shaeli-dawson)

Biggest Regret: Not fighting harder to see his son.

Minor Regret: None.

Biggest Accomplishment: To him, every day is his biggest accomplishment, and he tends to celebrate it.

Minor Accomplishment: Learning cartography.

Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: He claims to have never been caught. But what people fail to realize is that he’s never been caught in Stormwind. He spent time in the brig on the ship he worked on after being caught cheating at cards, and spent time in prison in Gilneas City after inciting a bar brawl that caused significant property damage to the bar and surrounding buildings.

Character’s Darkest Secret: After his first shift, he not only killed the two men he had been locked up with, he ate them.

Does Anyone Else Know? The only ones who knew were killed in the flooding.

Goals

Drives and Motivations: He’s driven by challenge, to see if he can do it, and the lust for adventure, to see and map the world. Thieving offers a perfect challenge.

Immediate Goals: Working up the nerve to tell Shaeli he loves her again.

Long Term Goals: Continue mapping the continents, spending his life with Shaeli.

How the character plans to accomplish these goals: Already on the road to it. it helps that he has someone in his life that enjoys it all as much as he does.

How Other Characters Will Be Affected: Only one person would be affected, and he hopes that she joins him on the adventure.

Past

Hometown: Gilnean Coast

Type of Childhood: Son of a fisherman. Typical childhood.

Pets: None

First Memory: Catching a bee with his bare hands and getting stung and not understanding why it happened.

Most Important Childhood Memory:

Childhood Hero: He never had one.

Dream Job: he wanted to captain his own ship.

Education: Elementary and apprenticed to completion as a cartographer.

Religion: Believes in the nature Gods when it suits his purpose.

Finances: Off and on thanks to a nasty gambling habit.

Present

Current Location: Stormwind City

Currently Living With: Shaeli Dawson. Yes he’s pretty much moved in.

Pets: None

Religion: See above

Occupation: Cartographer, Professional Thief, Tomb Raider/ Adventurer.

Finances: Fairly wealthy thanks to sticky fingers and a love of challenges and shiny things. It’s spread out through several banks.

Family

Siblings: Two brothers and a sister. Unknown if they are alive or not.

Relationship With Them: Non-existant

Spouse: He’s panicking in between considering Shaeli a spouse and asking her to be his.

Relationship With Them: Shaeli somehow managed to break through Declan’s self proclaimed ‘eternal bachelorhood’ and fear of relationships. It started as purely work, then a fun fling and grew into something more until they both awkwardly fumbled through their feelings for each other and gave it a try. He recently got the nerve to tell her that he loves her. Where it goes from here? Only time will tell!

Children: He has one son.

Relationship With Them: He’s never met him.

Other Important Family Members:  None, he’s alone.

Favorites

Color: Gold (He’s a thief, what can I say?)

Least Favorite Color: Olive.

Music: Gilnean step music, tavern songs and Sea Shanties.

Food: Pretty much if it’s edible, he eats it. (See his cooking talents for more info)

Literature: Histories, Fairy tales (They often hold truths) and Maps.

Form of Entertainment: Dancing, stealing, drinking, and people watching, sex.

Expressions: Large grins and wry smirks.

Mode of Transportation: Mostly foot, and horseback.

Most Prized Possession: The battered tin flask he keeps on his belt.

Habits

Hobbies: Dancing, stealing, drinking, Sex, Cartography, Singing.

Plays a musical instrument? He’s a fair hand with a fiddle.

Plays a sport? Long distance running (Away from the law)

How she would spend a rainy day? Drinking, lounging with Shaeli, or teaching her how to puddle jump and mud wrestle.

Spending Habits: He’s a notorious gambler, beyond that he simply takes what he needs.

Smokes: On occasion.

Drinks: To excess

Other Drugs: Nope

What does he/she do too much of? Gambles and drinks far too much. Risk taker.

What does he/she do too little of? He really should eat more.

Extremely Skilled At: Geometry, theft, negotiating, cartography.

Extremely Unskilled At: Cooking.

Nervous Tics: None.

Usual Body Posture: At ease and relaxed. He tends to drape when he sits or lean against walls.

Mannerisms: Friendly, wouldn’t know formal if it bit him in the ass, A bit crass.

Peculiarities: It’s Declan, he’s a walking peculiarity.

Traits

Optimist or Pessimist? Optimist

Introvert or Extrovert? Extrovert.

Daredevil or Cautious? Both, depending on the situation.

Logical or Emotional? Extremely Logical.

Disorderly and Messy or Methodical and Neat? Declan is meticulously neat. Everything has it’s place and is completely spotless. It’s not so much an OCD as it is a form of professional security for himself.

Prefers Working or Relaxing? To him, his work is relaxing.

Confident or Unsure of Themselves? Some would say he’s over confident. He is, however, incredibly unsure of his feelings.

Animal lover? He’s part animal! Of course he loves them!

Self-perception

How She Feels About Herself: “I’m bloody fantastic if you’s askin’ m’self!”

One Word Character Would Use To Describe Themselves: “Interestin’”

Paragraph Description on How They’d Describe Themselves: “Were told once f’hat life nae be easy, s’posed t’be hard n’you’s nae get nae’where unless you’s work hard at it. But all I’s ever saw were folk workin’ f’hemselves t’deaf’h. Life meant t’be lived! You’s got t’love it, n’live it, ‘cause you’s nae ever gonna know when it end on you’s. Love t’challenge o’it, n’new f’hings t’world got t’offer. Wann see it, know it. N’I’s gonna love every minute o’it!”

What does the character consider his/her best personality trait? Easy going and fun.

What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait? “Can’nae f’hink o’any.”

What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic? His eyes, and he uses them to his advantage frequently.

What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic? He’s pretty happy with himself.

How does the character think others perceive him/her? It’s about fifty fifty between being perceived as annoying, or fun/exciting to be around. He knows some enjoy his quirks and others find them grating.

What would the character most like to change about himself/herself? He’s pretty happy with himself.

Relationships with others

Opinion of Other People in General: He doesn’t trust anyone, but he see’s everyone as useful to him in some way.

Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others? Bet your booty!

Person Character Most Hates: No one.

Best friend(s): Shaeli Dawson ( @shaeli-dawson), Kat Hawke ( @kat-hawke ), Safrona Shadowsun ( @safrona-shadowsun - though she probably doesn’t know that)

Love interest(s): Shaeli Dawson ( @shaeli-dawson

Person Character (Would) Go to For Advice: Safrona most likely just to see if she would say anything in regards to hersel.

Person Character Feels Responsible For: Shaeli Dawson (Who else is going to remind her to sleep, and eat, and relax!)

Person Character Feels Awkward Around: No one.

Person Character Openly Admires: No one.

Person Character Secretly Admires: Kat Hawk ( @kat-hawke But he would never let on about it.)

Tagged by: No one.

Tagging: Hell, anyone who wants to do it! Let’s see what you people got!

[fivenightsatfreddysfanfiction]

The Story of Sidewinder Part 13

(I was asked to submit this on her behalf. I did not write this. Full credit goes to @fnafpowerhouse)

Router hummed as he searched through the darkened streets for the opening Mainframe had mentioned. The entrance to the tunnel was supposedly in the old park, which was overgrown immensely, with thick patches of stinging nettles and other assorted weeds sticking around. In plain sight, several drug trades were going on, but Router simply brushed them off, heading down into a more remote part of the park.

In all honesty, the place sent a shiver down his spine. He kept a firm grip on his knife in his pocket. Really should sharpen it soon, he thought as he walked around a bend in the broken, uneven pathway. There was a thick bush of brambles, which Router pushed to the side, wincing as the thorns stuck into his skin, and, crouching down, he brushed some dirt off of an old, half-rotten plank of wood. He pulled it off, and found a dark, old tunnel below, several cobwebs breaking as he threw the plank to the side.

He hopped down into the tunnel and awkwardly got into a crawling position, holding a flashlight in his other hand. The long crawl to the Network base began.

Meanwhile, Tiger was wandering nearby, having parked in an easy to reach spot. He hummed, finding a manhole cover, and, checking a small map, he nodded and opened it. The smell wasn’t as bad as he first thought it would be. The sewer system below had been completely cleaned - which relieved the mercenary as he didn’t think he could take much more before he threw up.

Tiger quickly climbed down and replaced the cover before sliding down the ladder. The metal was mildly warm in his hands, cleaned just as good as the system around him. He whipped out a flashlight and listened. Once he was sure there was nobody around, he turned it on. Around him, the stonework was decrepit, parts of it cracked and chipped. The only noise was a faint drip from the distance, and the quiet squeaking chirp of a bat which had found it’s way down. Taking a few steps, he inspected the dead end ahead. He looked at the concrete panels, and, taking a deep breath, pulled one off. A steel door was behind it.

The manhole cover opened behind him, and Tiger shut off his light, replaced the panel, and stealthily ran for cover in one swift movement. He hid behind a bend in the system, out of sight.

“That wasn’t so bad!” A feminine voice said cheerily as she slid down the ladder.

She had curly black hair, her fringe dyed a deep blue and then a royal purple. She carried herself confidently, a sniper rifle in her hands, which were covered with wooly black gloves. She wore a black cropped leather jacket with a fluffy collar and a white vest underneath.

“But did you see that assassin with the pretty hands? Oh, I wish I could keep them forever!” A second feminine voice said, following after.

The second girl carried a large satchel with a red cross on the front, and wore a black short skirt, her legs covered by black tights and pink heels. A stunning white lab coat covering her top half, dappled with bloodstains. Her red hair bounced as she walked, and she had light make-up on, eyeliner, eye shadow and lipstick, as well as light blush.

Tiger grimaced, looking at both of them. Now isn’t the time for that, Tiger, he thought as he watched and listened to their interactions.

“Gazelle, what colour was his hair?” The first woman asked, her eyebrow raised with a playful smile on her face.

“Er…” the other mercenary - Gazelle, thought for a moment, “brown, I believe.”

“Blonde. You’re thinkin’ of the guy that killed Raven down in the cells.” She began pulling off the concrete panels, leaning her sniper rifle against the wall. “D'you think that Sidewinder’s killed him yet?”

“Oh, I hope so!” Gazelle said excitedly, a wide smile crossing her face. “He has such pretty hands, I was so disappointed when Sidewinder didn’t let me take them. I hope he lets me have them once he’s dead.”

“Girl, you scare me! Choppin’ up bodies and stuff! I know it’s good to enjoy your work, but this takes it too far!” She teased, a very slightly uneasy look on her face. “You and your ‘hubby’ need industrial-strength therapy, girl!”

Gazelle gave a playful giggle. “Oh, but let me tell you about what I found on his phone!” The woman opened the door and stepped inside, her voice faded away.

“Oooh, now we’re gettin’ into the juicy stuff.” The sniper took her weapon and entered the base, closing the door behind her. “First question, any porn?” Her voice faded away as well.

Tiger let out the breath he had been holding, looking worriedly at the door. What the fuck were they doing to Panther in there?

Whilst this was happening, Router was in contact with Mainframe, whining about the tunnel. “And you dug this? All the way from the base to the park? Christ, this place is awful… I hate it.”

Mainframe’s voice replied. “Yep. It took hours to do. If you look hard enough around the exit of the tunnel, you might even find the shovel I dug with. Either way, the crawl there shouldn’t take long.”

“I’m bleaching my skin when I get home, this is fucking disgusting…” Router went silent as he spotted the end of the tunnel. “Shh, I’m here.”

“Not like anyone can hear me, but alright. Also, don’t do that.”

Several pipes and wires lined the dark crawlspace, a tight squeeze onto a panel below. Router shuffled down and listened. There was silence, the only noise a quiet hum from the pipework. He pulled the panel off and hopped down.

The fall was larger than he expected, and he gave a sharp but quiet hiss of pain as he landed painfully - thankfully not on his injured shoulder. He cringed, hoping that nobody was around to hear him. Upon the realisation that nobody was around, he stood up, brushed himself off, and got to work, remembering the exact steps Mainframe told him.

“Be careful when disarming the generator,” Mainframe had said, “if you fuck up, there’s a chance that it could electrocute you - and I doubt a human body could take a shock that large.”

It took the hacker only a minute to disarm the machine, the area around him going pitch black dark. “Done. Send Tiger in.” He quickly got up and to work, his eyes slightly adjusted to the blackness around him.

A mental image of the Network base floor plans came to mind. If no major changes happened between then and now, he should be around Sidewinder’s living space, which Mainframe had affectionately referred to as the 'Sidewinder Hangout’. The space consisted of three rooms - Sidewinder’s bedroom, his office, and his lounge. Nobody in the base had seen the lounge, and very few had seem the bedroom. The only place the Network mercenaries had access to was the office.

Just as he walked by a door, it swung open and a tall figure emerged. Router froze in horror, holding his breath with his back to the door. He shook in mild terror, hating the mission already.

“Stupid fucking generator…” His gruff voice growled as he slammed the door and went off towards the generator room, not spotting the small hacker.

Upon turning, Router’s eyes widened, and he looked upon Sidewinder, a tall, intimidating man, walking away to the generator. He steeled his nerves and slowly opened the door that the mercenary leader had just exited. Sidewinder’s office.

“Oh my God, you just dodged a bullet and a half there, buddy. Take a look at his desk, and be careful, the keys jangle a lot.” Mainframe said quietly, before tacking on, “Tiger is on his way, don’t worry.”

He snuck over to the desk and looked at the large ring, several keys dangling from it. Carefully and slowly, he picked the keys up and snuck off past the office, past the lounge, and up to a dark, foreboding part of the base. The Punishment Cells. The door was huge - a strong blast door. Adjacent to the right, there was a regular wooden door, a sign saying 'Authorised Personnel Only’ on it.

“Router.” A sharp whisper from behind him caused the poor hacker to practically jump a foot in the air in both surprise and fear, before the realisation hit him like a ton of bricks - it was just Tiger. “Give me the keys. I’ll go get him. Stand guard.”

Taking the keys, the taller mercenary unlocked the doors and descended into the Cells, the sharp smell of blood and death immediately hitting him. He winced, closing the doors behind him and, steeling his nerves, descending the stairs into the chilling prison below. Router watched the door before turning and opening the regular door behind him, disappearing from his guard post.

At the foot of the stairs, a rack containing various torture equipment stood. A metal fire poker, a barbed whip, and a thick, metal baseball bat were just a few of the instruments inside. Tiger couldn’t help but wince at the thought of these being used on Panther.

There was a long corridor before him, cells lining way down, and a larger area ahead which split off into three hallways. He guessed those were the torture chambers, since the cells were much too small - and clean, for it to take place.

Halfway down the stairs, a slow sigh reached him. He practically bolted down the stairs and looked to each cell. Relief flooded him, and he released the breath he had been holding as he saw, in the cell, his little brother.

Panther was shirtless, having only his pants on. Long, reddened whip-marks stretched along his back, four in total. His wrists looked sore, red and blistered. There were shallow scars covering his arms and back, a very mild burn mark on the back of his neck. He wasn’t facing his brother, preferring to rub his sore wrists.

“S-Sydney…?” Tiger tried to keep a serious voice, he really tried, but it broke with sorrow.

Panther whipped around, his eyes wide and relief written on his face. “Darwin…”

Tiger quickly unlocked the cell, grabbing his brother and bringing him into a hug. “Jesus Christ… what the fuck did he do to you?” He couldn’t take it anymore. Tears quickly formed in his eyes, beginning to roll down his face.

The younger brother looked up, a weak smile on his face. “A lot. I don’t think you’ll be happy to hear most of it. Just, for fuck’s sake, let’s get out of here.”

Tiger gave a firm nod. “Right. That’s the plan. God, I’m so glad you’re alright…”

Panther looked up at Tiger, managing a chuckle. “Are you crying?”

“I’m not crying. It’s sweat.” He blinked rapidly to keep tears from falling. “I swear, I’ll slap you when we get out for getting in trouble again!”

“It’s not my fault Sidewinder decided to kidnap me!” Panther whined, stepping back and folding his arms. “You’re concerned about beating me up in this state? Excuse me, but what the fuck? Let’s just go, before Sidewinder shows up.”

The sound of the door opening echoed around the room. “Router, come on, let’s go.” Tiger said firmly, keeping a protective hold on Panther.

A gun cocked. “I’m afraid you have the wrong person.” A gruff growl came from behind Tiger - very different from Router’s voice.

Tiger quickly whipped around, shielding his brother, and came face to face with Sidewinder himself.

“Sorry to interrupt the family reunion, but I’m afraid you have something that belongs to me.” The mercenary drawled, his eyes narrowing, a sick, twisted smile stretching across his face. “You forgot to lock the door. Rookie mistake, Mr Michaels. Now, are we going to play nice or do both of you have to go into the naughty corner?”

[fangirlingnextgen]

1# Trouble breathing

Introducing the kids of Raliya, Dolci and Brandon, and two ships ready to sail. (It is supposed to have those two edits of Brandon and Dolci but tumblr hates me so search them up yourself you idiots<3)

I looked over at my brother. He was hauling over his plate, making sure he wouldn’t miss a single crumb. Even if we live at the palace, he didn’t pick up on the manners yet. Not that the girls mind. He goes walking through Angeles with his flair dripping of him like a strong cologne. They know him of course.

They don’t know me.

Now, I glance over at mom, sitting next to Aunt Tracie. They cackle about something, Aunt Mila joining in too with a remark. Aunt Sophia comes walking in and I observe her next. I always respect her. She looks so strong, but at the same time, she’s sweet as can be. I look up to every one of them, Aunt Aileen too. The latter is sitting next to the King. She is everything I am not. Charming, talented, pretty, and best friends with the King.

I don’t know what to think of the King. He’s fine, I guess, but he has a pained expression carrying with him as a burden, lines marking his face. The only time they truly disappear is when he smiles at his Queen, or Aunt Mila as I rather say. Not that she’d let me say otherwise.

Every one of them treats all the kids as their own. Well, everyone except the King that is of course. I’d say my Aunts are better at loving me than dad is. But I don’t blame him. He must think I’m weak. I can’t do anything right. Not even science, something I should have inherited from mom. She doesn’t mind though, I still have her humour. But dad? I don’t think he’s fond of me. Why would he be, when there’s Brandon?

I feel my sister staring at me as I put another fork full with whatever it is I’m eating, in my mouth. I don’t bother to look up. I have other things to think about, which would be easier without the Aunties chuckling at every word one of them speaks.

Floria. How can I convince her to change her mind? The ‘living in the palace’ thing usually works, so that’s the first thing I should subtly mention again. I had expected her to know that already, I mean, everybody does. Don’t they?

But then again, I like a challenge. And I won’t fail. I never do. I won’t allow it. Not with this girl, not with any equation. I must succeed in the things I excel at.

As I chew on both the food and the mystery on why Floria wouldn’t go out with me, I eventually break and look up at Dolci. She stopped checking the room, and pushes a bean from one side of her plate to the other. Fuck, I think to myself. Why is she like this? Doesn’t she understand she has everything? Everything she could wish for? Our parents love us, we got some extra parents at that too, and live in fucking palace for goodness sake.  

But I try not to judge, even if I don’t understand it. She won’t tell what’s troubling her, so I can’t judge, right? Mom notices too. She gives Dolci a tab on her shoulder.

“So how have you ‘bean’ my girl?” she says as she points at my sister’s plate. She loves puns like mom does, but still, it results in just a faint smile. Not a good sign. I should probably do something, but I don’t know what, and get distracted again.

Maybe I should get a tattoo? Girls could dig that? Dad has one, he can’t stop me from it without being a hypocrite. But I won’t go for a shitty star, I would want something badass or smart. Maybe I should ask Aunt Tracie for ideas, she comes across as badass. Doesn’t she have a tattoo herself? I asked dad multiple times why he would even choose such a stupid thing to be inked in his skin forever, but he never explained. Stubborn. Something I definitely inherited, next to mom’s wit. That wit made me notice mom had a similar star as her wedding ring years ago. So perhaps dad didn’t want me to know he got inked for a girl, which I can imagine. You give a girl chocolates or something, like mom always suggests, but nothing permanent. May that be what Dol misses? Attention from the opposite sex? Or actually, in her case, same sex. Maybe I should take her to go into town sometime? The excuse of going to a music store could work, she likes music, even if she isn’t particularly good at it. I don’t either honestly. Dad tried by giving me a guitar, but no result. He gave up on Dol quickly too.

'It’s okay honey, you don’t have to if you don’t want to,’ he said.

'But dad!’ Dolci whined.

'It’s fine,’ he commented as he walked away. Dolci said nothing, couldn’t tell him how much she loved the music, how much she wanted to succeed in it.

Dad’s like that sometimes. He’s not really good with emotions, and definitely not with her’s. Some people think he’s moody, or too sarcastic, but they’re wrong. It’s clear to see he loves us, it’s just in his own way, not always the best way. He loves mom too. Obviously.

Mom tried, I remind myself as I walk back to my room. Someone tried. It just didn’t work. I can’t shake it off, this dark cloud I feel I carry around, telling I’m a failure. People must think I’m depressing, boring. I let myself fall on my bed, and curl up into a little ball.

“You okay miss?”

“Fine”

“You don’t look fine miss,” Mahelia counters.

I groan, and lift up my head to meet the gaze of my maid. “Are you calling me ugly now too Mahelia?” I torment her.

“Oh goodness no miss! I-You’re- Is there’s anything I can do?”

She’s young, 19 or so, which is three years older than me but still young to be a maid. Her hair is tied up in a bun, her uniform without a wrinkle. “It’s nothing Mahelia,” I sigh as I let my head fall on my sheets again. I feel like she stares at me a while before she leaves the room, but I could be wrong.

A maid walks out of her room with a small blush on her cheeks. Did something… Let’s stay realistic there, it’s Dol we’re talking about, and I know she’s crushing on someone else. I open up her door silently, and find her curled up in her bed.

“Hey Dolly,” I say cheerful. She gives me a short glance, but quickly let’s her head fall back into a pillow again with a groan. “Not now Brandon.” Her voice is muffled and I think I hear her sniff her nose. Did I imagine that she had red eyes just now? “Did you…cry?” I ask careful. She lifts her head, which seems to take much effort. Now, I have the time to study her face. Yes, definitely cried. “Why do people ask that?” she sneers at me, “No one likes that question. People should just shut up!” “Indeed they should,” I respond. I don’t know what’s wrong, but mom always said that being there can be helpful too right? “Can I sit with you for a minute?” She gives a small mod, and I let myself fall onto the bed. I hoped she would find me falling funny, but sadly, I get no reaction. She stares at her hands as she sniffs some more. I just sit there silently until she stops sniffing. “So you wanna go to a music store in town?” “And see all the instruments that I can’t play?” she counters. “What about we see all the instruments you haven’t tried yet?” She doesn’t respond, maybe thinking about my reasoning. It’s sounds logic to me. There’s always something you haven’t tried yet right? Not that I would know, I guess. “We could get chocolate ice cream?” I add, knowing her weakness. “They have that here too you know,” she says softly, but I know she’s going to cave. “Yes but not from Giovanni’s…” She looks at me with the corner of her mouth slowly lifting and I can smell my victory. “Fine. But I want two scoops!” “Anything you want sis’, you got it.”

“I can’t play that.” “Have you tried?” “No, but I know I can’t.” “I bet you can.” “Fine, it’s your loss.” “No it’s not.” “Yes it is.” “Shall we bet now huh?” “So if I can learn to play a ukulele then I’ll…what?” “You’ll… I’ll sit in the woman’s room with you for a whole hour.” “You hate the woman’s room.” “Exactly.” “A whole day.” “What?! Two hours!” “Eight hours.” “We’ll meet halfway. Four hours.” She stays silent for a while, trying to hide a devilish smirk. “Oh come on Dol!” “You have yourself a deal,” she says as she extends her hand. I shake it, but at the same time, I feel a pat on my shoulder. “Hi there,” her soft voice speaks. I gesture Dolci to go on and get that ukulele, as I turn around to face the girl. I see Dol roll her eyes, but am too focused on the eyes in front of me. “Floria! What brings your beautiful face here?” She lets out a short giggle which she hides behind her hand. Her perfume fills my nose, flowery and sweet, somehow familiar, so apparently not original. “I play the violin, remember? I told you-” She told me things? I remembered her name, that’s hard enough as it is. “Of course! I just wanted to mention your beautiful face,” I save myself with a wink. She rolls her eyes but smiles anyway. “Did you see the palace guards in front?” she says as she points to the door behind her. I can see a hint of Luke’s uniform through the glass. I hope she didn’t see how broad his shoulders are or I’m going to have to up my game. But for now, I take the opportunity that’s laid in front of me. “Yes… Well, they’re-uh they’re for me,” I say with faked embarrassment. I should have been an actor. Actors are popular too right…Giving out autographs…Fans… “You live in the palace!” Her high pitched voice ruins my daydream of fame, but I recover quickly, like a true actor indeed. “Yes, you should see it sometime. I’d love to show you.” “How about right now?” Her eyes are hopeful and honestly, she is so damn pretty. If she doesn’t contain herself, she would probably beg me to take her out. If I didn’t contain myself either, I’d grin of victory. “Now?” I glance over my shoulder to see Dol wandering around the shop, she doesn’t look happy anymore. I thought I fixed it damnit. “Sorry I have to wait for my sister…” “Oh who cares, she’ll be fine right? Come on let’s go Brandon!” With just that, I don’t know how, she stops being attractive. It’s like a switch is immediately turned off. Bye date…Bye making out… “I’m sorry Fiona, this isn’t going to work out. Have a nice day!” I turn around, feeling satisfied even without my possibility for a date. I knew her name, and I knew she would be standing there baffled. How I’d love to turn around and see her face…but I have to go find Dol.

This was not my night, I thought to myself as I opened my bedroom door. Next to my bed was a small pile of my wet clothes which I had changed out of earlier that night. A vase. Who empties a vase above someone’s head? I let out a sigh, letting my hand feel at my jaw. I need to shave tomorrow, I thought while I try to remember exactly how many times they had hit me. Twice by Lex, once by Raena, maybe Alicia too? It better not be a bruise next morning, or mom would lecture me about respecting women. She thinks, like everyone else, that I don’t respect them. I do, of course. Honestly? Every girl I’ve been with wanted something short lasting as much as I did, and I could still call them as a friend if I had to. Well except for Floria that is. Maybe I should ask some advice from Collin, I don’t think he gets beaten up by the girls in the Palace.

Dolci is safe in her bed, as I hope the day made her feel better. She’s going to try that ukulele and I think we resolved the stuff about dad. How did she even think such things? I shake my head and make my way to the bathroom. I pull of my shirt and brush my teeth while watching myself in the mirror, and I can’t help but notice I should hit the gym again soon. Next to my bed I drop my pants and get into my bed. I try to catch my sleep, but I feel guilty for tonight. Did I make Dolci insecure? And Alicia…Lex, Max, Raena…Maybe I should be nicer to my childhood friends…?

The sun greets my opening eyes through the blinds. I yawn and stretch as I turn around to sit at the edge of my bed, my feet meeting the carpet. I notice the outline of a girl’s body on the floor just before I begin to rub my eyes, sleepy.

“Goodmorning,” I say to her, but as I let the word leave my mouth, I let my hands drop. I quickly grab my glasses from my nightstand, to make the image less blurry. “Wait… I didn’t bring a girl…” I speak to no one in particular, as this girl is still sound asleep. As I stand up and walk over to her, it becomes painfully clear who this girl is. I try to deny it, try to think just some random pretty girl decided she wanted to stay the night here, but you know, on the floor? But there’s no denying it once I see her from up close. Lex is drooling on my floor.  

“What!!” I yell. She shifts her head just slightly, on a pillow she must have stolen from my bed. Her own glasses lay next to her, but seem to be broken. “Max, get out of my room or I’ll punch you,” she mumbles. “Do I sound like your sister to you?” I respond, making my voice sound a note lower to underline my masculinity. Her sister?! Has she climbed in through my window? Why? How? “What the hell are you doing in my bedroom!” I shout close to her ear in an attempt to wake her, and I admit, to annoy her. She sits up straight immediately, and she looks me right in the eyes. “What the fuck!” she screams and I think she’s going to hit me again. “What are you doing in my bedroom!” I feel the urge to shake her around and slap her sleepy, ignorant head, but let it maintain to just yelling back; “Yours?! Look around idiot!” “Don’t call me idiot, piece of shit!” Should I wear a nametag or something? Spell my real name out? She looks around my room, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion, squeezing her eyes just slightly at the miss of her glasses. “What am I doing here?!” Maybe she has some brains after all. “Exactly my question!” I respond, but get distracted by some sounds in the hallway. Shit, we need to tone it down. “Okay, we need to stop yelling, we both don’t want to attract attention and risk anyone seeing…this.” Just the words makes me wrinkle my nose and I see Lex do the same. She looks kind of funny like that, but making fun of her right now would be a bad idea. 'This’ would include me sitting to Lex on the floor in my underpants, which urges me to stand up. “There’s nothing to see. People are not stupid at the point to believe I could have had sex with… you,” she responds with a frown and another nasty look in my direction. I’m starting to get used to them, so I don’t make a point of it, instead I offer Lex a hand. “I know my floor is comfortable but..” I say with my outstretched hand. She replaces her grimace for a pout and accepts my help. She wears the same clothes as yesterday, wrinkles in them because of her wild night, apparently. Her short hair is messy, and she still narrows her eyes every now and then to adjust her eyes, but she doesn’t mention her glasses. She looks better with them on, I realise.   “And you think our parents will not hold it against us either way? I’d rather not risk it,” I respond, ignoring her sneer from before. “My parents are still angry for the burned car anyway,” she sighs as she rolls her eyes. “Shocking,” I say plainly as I search my room for my pants. Even if I’m anything but prude, this was getting awkward. “You’re lucky I got myself a room on the ground floor,” I speak walking towards my bed, trying to hint that she could just climb out of the window. “I didn’t even burn it, but everyone thinks I did,” she laughs to herself, ignoring me, determined to tell her exciting story. Where are my pants? I left it here last night? “Oh lovely, a sleepover with confessions,” I mock, “Fine, so you’re not as crazy as everybody thinks, good for you. You may now take the first window right and climb out of it,” I command as I point at the window. “Fuck you,” she sneers for the thousandth time. “You wish,” I respond. I should have kept count from since she first learned the words as a kid, even if I have not payed much attention to her as I got older. Alecia was on my mind back then, at the age of 15. Before her, I was running after the first girls with some other boys, which paused during my time with Alecia. She broke up with me, even if I don’t think I did anything wrong, we were just too young. I still care for her though. Lex moves around my room, which makes me realise I’m staring into nothingness and I try to shake it off. “I’ll leave once I find my second boot,” she says as she hobbles on one boot. I start to look around the room too, and see my pants just a few feet away and walk over to put it on. I pull up the zipper and let out a sigh at the sight of her searching through my stuff for her boot. “How drunk were you and why did you have to chose my room?” I ask as I begin to join the quest for the shoe. She pulls up my sheets to look under my bed, flipping her hair over to one side. “Believe me, you wouldn’t have been my first choice,” she speaks, “I just remember I kissed a guard, so I had to be very drunk.” I open my closet, but other than my own clothes, there’s nothing unusual in there. “I’ll pay my condolences to the guard if I see him,” I joke over my shoulder when I close the doors. Lex is now walking towards the bathroom, which makes me remember my shirt is there. “I don’t even remember his face.” I hear her say from out of there, next to the sounds of opening cabinets. I move over to my desk, and see there’s nothing but pieces of paper with my calculations on top of it, but I check under it too. “You put your dirty stinking boot on my calculus book!” I yell while I pick up her boot and my book. There’s a footprint right on the cover. In my rage, I throw her stupid boot at the bathroom door, and I hear her make a little sound when it hits it close to where she stands. I should be more careful, I think for a second, but then go back to dusting of the freaking footprint of my book. “Maybe the book deserved it,” she sneers while she picks up her shoe, “Is it the one by James Stewart?” “Maybe,” I mumble in response. She scoffs as she ties her shoelaces, sitting on the ground, “Even 6-year-old me knew that book was shit.” “Fuck off,” I counter, “It was the first book my mom gave me. Some parents give their kids actual helpful things instead of bats.” “My mother gave me that book too. I just burned it. And bats are helpful.” “Do you have any respect for anything?” The footprint is now almost gone, and I let out a sigh in relief and put it on my desk. “Not for James Stewart,” she shrugs, “Seriously the book was too easy to understand.” “So that’s a no. Well, you’ve got your boot, you can leave now.” I walk past her and into the bathroom, not even giving her a glance. “Hey, what if I want to go to the toilets?” Does she ever shut up? I pick up the shirt off my bathroom floor and smell it. Good enough, I decide, shrug and put it on. Lex gives me a disgusted look, but I don’t care. She’s the one falling asleep drunk on my floor for goodness sakes. “Go ahead.” I walk out of the bathroom as she passes me to go in. “It’s all yours, unless you’re going to throw up in there.” “Fuck you.” Again. She closes the door behind her and starts coughing. At first I don’t pay attention to it, but as she keeps on coughing, I start to get worried. “You all right in there?” I ask as I knock on the door. “Depends,” she responds in between coughs. Her voice seems to fade away, raspy and almost silent. “What’s going on! Should I get someone?” “Did I let my inhaler somewhere?” she asks while I hear her catch her breath, inhaling air faster and faster. I snap my neck to look at my room. “Oh Fuck!” Not on my desk, I see as I throw my notes aside. Not on the floor, as I scan the room. Finally, I pull my sheets from my bed and find the small inhaler under there somehow. “How-?” But I decide it’s not the time to question it, and run back to the door. “I got it!” But I hear no reaction. I wait, but it lasts too long for my liking. Lex, come on! I try the doorknob, but it’s locked. “Shit!” I have to bust the door open. “Please don’t have your pants down,” I mumble as I take a few steps back to get ready to ram my shoulder against the door. I try the first time, groaning as my shoulder hits the wooden door. Please Lex! “I swear I’m not build for this!” But I try again, and almost fall on the floor when it suddenly opens. Alexis is laying on the marble floor without making a move. I sit down next to her and try to put the inhaler in her mouth and press it, but nothing happens. It doesn’t work. Next, I get a wet towel and press it against her head, hoping it might wake her, but she seems to be without oxygen for too long. “Shit shit shit! Nothing’s working!” There’s no other option, I decide. “She’s so going to punch me for this,” I let out with a sigh. I put her body straight on the floor and check her pulse. Still beating. It won’t help if I give heart pressure, but I will have to try rescue breaths. I close her nose with my fingers, pull her head slightly backwards, inhale, and exhale into her mouth. She still smells slightly like wine, but I ignore it. Another, and another. I feel her body make a move, and I lift up to wait, breathing heavy myself now. She breaths on her own again and starts to cough. “Oh thank goodness!” She coughs again. “Lex, you okay?” “I…can’t…” She coughs out the words. “Inhaler?” I hand it to her as I try my best not to shake. Does this happen often? She puts the inhaler in her mouth, apparently knows what to do, and her breaths seem to slow down. I dare to relax with it. She’s okay.   “Thank you,” she says. “Just breathe okay,” I respond with a sad smile, “Punch me later.” She nods in agreement, and takes a look at her shirt, which still has wet stains of my failing attempt to wake her. “Why am I wet?” she coughs again. “Well…you didn’t wake up so I tried a wet towel? Didn’t work though,” I explain with embarrassment, scratching the back of my head. “I wasn’t breathing, of course it didn’t work,” she says as she coughs once more, “I wish I had energy to punch you,” she speaks with a raspy voice and I have to try not to laugh. “You can go back to thanking me now,” I reply with a smirk. “Fuck you.” I get to my feet and look at her still taking hasty breaths. “Do you need anything?” “A glass of water…please,” she asks, almost polite. I turn over to my sink and let the water run. “You really need to stop saying that if you don’t want it to happen,” I mock her cursing ‘Fuck you’ on a loop, as I let the glass fill with water. She accepts the glass when I give it to her, even if I add a teasing wink. “Fu…thanks.” “No problem,” I reply as go to sit down next to her again. “So asthma?” “Yeah,” she lets out, with her voice slightly going back to normal by now. “And I became pretty good at having attacks at the worst moment possible,” she says as she lets out a sigh. I try to get the image of her having an asthma attack during a makeout session with someone out of my head, but can’t help to let out a small chuckle. “This was amazingly planned really,” I speak and I can’t contain my laughter anymore. She joins in, but quickly almost chokes and coughs again. She places a hand on her chest, but still has a smile on her lips, “Don’t make me laugh like that,” she complains with a smirk. “I’m sorry,” I reply with a teasing grin, “I didn’t expect you to actually laugh at something I said.” Even if I don’t plan to, she has to laugh again, and I decide I like it. “Stop it!” she commands in between a laugh and cough. It’s amusing, and with other girls, this might count as a ‘moment’, but- A familiar knock sounds from my bedroom door, and it’s quickly followed by my mother’s voice. “Brandon!” she speaks, “Breakfast!” “Oh shit!” I whisper, quickly jumping up. Lex just raises an eyebrow, seeming somewhat confused. “Are you dressed?” my mom continues, “I’m coming in!” “Stay here!” I whisper to Lex just before I close the door, “And be quiet!” My mom stands in the doorway just seconds after I closed the bathroom door. “Hi mom! Looking lovely as always!” I say as I walk up to her with open arms. She doesn’t fall for it, of course, and raises an eyebrow in suspicion. “Brandon is there another girl in your bathroom?” she asks with a sigh, “Please tell me there isn’t-” Think fast, think fast. “Not exactly!” I hold up my hand when Mom takes a step closer in my direction, so in this case, closer to Lex, “I just eh- was just planning on cleaning up and it’s a mess in there!” I respond. Bless my acting skills, I think once again, when I see mom’s expression soften. “I’ll come to breakfast in a minute.” She smiles, proud of me or maybe herself even more. “Good, good. I knew it was a good idea to take away your maids,” she says like a true mother. I hold in a scoff. I miss my maids, and no, they weren’t hot, they kept my mess cleaned up. But I guess that somewhere, it is indeed good for me. Mom likes to thinks so, as she turns around with a smug expression, gives me a short sweet smile over her shoulder and walks out the door. I dare to let out my breath after I close the door behind her. In the background, Lex opens the bathroom door, looking around the corner with raised eyebrows. “Would it have been so awful if she had seen me?” she asks followed by another cough. Is there a hint of insecurity? Lex? Why doesn’t she want to keep this a secret? This could only go wrong right? “Yes! She either would have commanded me to take you on a real date or she would have screamed at me for messing with her best friends daughter. No thank you,” I explain with a sigh. Mom would freak, but I don’t know if she would be secretly glad or kill me. “Rather die than going to a date with you,” Lex adds. “Well you almost just did so.” I dare to give her a little smile, hoping she can laugh without choking now. But she doesn’t. I don’t know why I thought she would. She hates me. “Maybe I wouldn’t have had an asthma attack if you had cleaned your room. It’s full of dust under your bed,” she starts to complain, pointing at my bed. “I wasn’t expecting anyone tonight,” I reply with a simple shrug, walking over to my bed to make up the sheets. “Does it mean you clean only when you invite a girl here?” The hint of disgust hidden in that sentence did not go unnoticed. But it’s not justified. “No. It’s not that busy here Lex.” I wink at her over my shoulder, where she is putting her inhaler into her mouth again, searching aid to help her breathing. “Surprising I admit. Did you lost your flirting skills?” If she thinks I lost them, she must think I had them, I think to myself, enjoying the little victory. “I don’t think so, or did I not just take your breath away?” I can’t help the smirk playing on my lips as I walk over to her. She’s holding her broken glasses into her hand and looks at it before she gives me another annoyed look. “Fuck you.” I laugh, I really should have kept count. In response, Lex shakes her head, and I look to see if she does to hide a little smile, but I can’t find it, not even when she looks up again. “Do you have food somewhere? I’m so hungry.” Her stomach begins to gurgle like it was on command, underlining her statement. “So hungry!” “It’s alive!” I laugh at my own joke. “We can just walk over to breakfast? Everyone should be there already and we can go in separately or something,” I suggest. “Nah, I can barely walk, it’s hard to admit it but I’ll need you if I fall.” Great. “Okay fine. Let’s go to the awkward situation!” She shrugs, “It’s already awkward.” She saw me in underwear, she should consider herself blessed. “Really? I was just starting to like it. You drooling on my floor, looking for your boot together, saving your life. Love the bonding activities!” She rolls her eyes in response, “Remember me to punch you after the breakfast,” she sneers. “You do realise I have stuff to hold against you now right?” I try defending the case ‘Ten reasons not to punch Brandon for once’. “Hum… no?” “Oh? So you wouldn’t mind how I tell your mom I found you drunk on my bedroom floor? Or your dad. Dads love to hear about their daughters and boys,” I mock, walking in a little circle around her. Then I suddenly realise, I might really be an asshole… I am not going to blackmail her? “Not at all. If you tell mom, she’ll laugh and tell one of her drunk stories and if you tell dad, you will get hit.” Aggression issues in that family. “So there’s no possibility to let you stop punching me?” “If you stop being annoying, maybe. But you have the type of face I like to punch,” she says with an evil smile. Stopping with being annoying isn’t an option either. “Great,” I reply with a sigh. “Sorry not sorry.” She shrugs, as if that should make it all better. The point is, she can actually punch me quite hard! I pick up a jacket from my chair and put it on as she walks towards the door. “I could try to avoid you from now on, but I might find you on my floor again so that’s no use,” I try to joke. She looks over her shoulder with her hand at the door knob. “Be reassured, I don’t go to the palace so often,” she responds. Sometimes I forget they don’t live here. Everyone seems so connected, all the aunts and uncles I have with their kids. What is out there that they chose to walk away from luxury? Burning cars? “Oh right…” I say, and I realise how weird it sounds, almost, almost-? “You look almost disappointed,” she softly speaks as she opens the door. Oh crap. “Hey, I found someone who laughed at two of my jokes, that’s rare,” I tease, thanking the heavens for my fast thinking. “People don’t have sense of humor then. You can be hilarious,” she plainly lets out as we make our way through the halls. The halls are empty, so I can’t have heard it wrong. I blink twice before I react. A compliment? She must be joking, so I play along. I make a gesture as to wave her words away, and cover my mouth like a blushing girl, “Oh stop it you! You’re just saying that because I saved your life,” I speak as dramatic as I can. She laughs again, not coughing anymore luckily. In return, she places a hand on her forehead, and dramatically replies; “Oh my savior, I would do anything for you.” Is she…flirting with me? I know I probably am, as it’s becoming a second nature. But Lex? Her brain must have been damaged by lack of oxygen because of her asthma attack. Good thing there are only a few guards around to witness it. I raise an eyebrow in confusion, but find myself smiling either way, “A risky thing to say Lex, you’re lucky I’m such a gentleman to not take advantage of it,” I tease. Is she starting to grow on me? Hell, I blame the asthma attack. My gaze meets Luke’s for a second, as he is on guard duty right now. This is embarrassing… But he smiles. What do we look like to him? She scoffs, going back to her second nature, “You? A gentleman?” I chuckle, glad to see she’s still herself. “I wondered how long we would last without an insult.” The door of the dining room comes closer and closer, and I feel a small whirl of nerves curl up in my stomach. At least, it’s either that or I’m hungry. “Not long. It’s impossible, I need to insult you,” she lets out. I place my hand at the doorknob, and glance at her for confirmation. “And I need to eat. Ready for humiliation?” “It will be fun,” she says without any sign of fun in her voice. I twist the knob to open, while I softly mumble; “My parents are so going to kill me.”

This stupid old castle has old freaking cracking doors, and everyone turns towards the shrieking sound. The gazes are making red creep up at my neck, making me feel embarrassed for the first time in ages. Next to me, Lex makes a waving movement like robot. “Hello everyone!” I bet she meant to say it the way she always speaks; loud. Instead, it’s husky, like someone holds her by her throat to prevent the sound from coming out. It does nothing good to plead our innocence. Fuck me.

My staring is stopped by the high pitched sound that comes from the dining hall doors. I see my brother in the doorway, next to none other than Lex, an odd combination to say the least. My brother’s red cheeks confirm that he knows that, but his embarrassment adds more fuel to everyone’s curiosity. He is not one to be embarrassed. And neither is Alexis, even if the sound of her voice just now tells us otherwise. Even Raena and her dad look up from their papers. I bet she was working on something important. She’s the Heir after all. So once again, when everyone is still focused on the uncomfortable people at the doorway, I find myself taking a short glance at her. But I command myself to look away; be normal, or at least act normal. Brandon takes a seat at the first chair he sees, trying to escape the glances quickly. His face shows just a flash of horror when he looks up and finds himself seated across uncle Alan. For his sake, I hope I’m in the only one that noticed, even if I get agitated just at the thought of something happening between him and Lex. Can’t he just not get every girl? What if he flirts with her too? He’s a good brother, I mean, he helped me feel somewhat better about myself, but sometimes… Lex takes a seat next to him, coughing while doing so. I’m too far away to hear them whisper, but I can still make out the words 'idiot’ and 'too obvious’. Dad, who is closer to them, probably did hear, as he asks; “Everything okay kids?” “Fine!” “Great!” I don’t think I ever heard his voice so high. “Your son is just an ass,” Lex adds with a smile. Okay, now I begin to lose the story. “Well, what else is new,” Brandon replies, his usual charm back add it again, with a mischievous smile. Dad shakes his head, but people have lost interest, and so does he. We all know the kids are crazy, every one of us in our own way. Hearing just some Selection stories from our parents, I’d say only our genes can be blamed. If only those genes brought me talent too. But no. Or looks. But no. So how could I ever really talk to someone like her? Besides the fact that she will probably have her own Selection soon, with all handsome guys. Whereas I am, well, me?

Bonus

Where-the-hell-is-my-sweater! It's not in my closet, even if I was sure I folded it just yesterday. It's my lucky sweater and I need it! So I looked everywhere, but it's nowhere to be found. If I'm not wearing the sweater, I'm not wearing a shirt at all, I decide irritated. Shirtless, I march out of my room and up to the woman's room. I swing the door open to find my mother at her usual spot, so I don't pay attention to the mumbles and giggles and walk straight up to her. "Mom!" She looks up from her book only now, not even when I came storming through the door. With the twins terrorising the palace for the upcoming six months, she's getting used to a bit more... adventures. "Yes honey? I think you forgot something by the way." "That's the point! I can't find my sweater!" "Then put on another? Really Brandon, you're a math genius and still-" "You don't get it! I have a test this afternoon and I need my sweater!" "Ah, the superstitious nonsense sweater. What does it look like again?" "Dark navy blue, with a little kinda washed look to the fabric, and-" "So, a little like what Lex is wearing?" she points at her with her index finger. I follow it's direction and find her in a comfy looking chair with a book. She sits on it sideways, her legs bundling in the air, her hair in a bun, the book in her hands.

Oh, she enjoys this. She waves at me, twinkling her fingers, wearing a mischievous smile to match my freaking sweater.

[nofomoartworld]

Hyperallergic: Artists Form Shell Company to Visit and Photograph Tax Havens

Paolo Woods and Gabriele Galimberti, “Man floating in the 57th-floor swimming pool of the Marina Bay Sands Hotel in Singapore’s financial district” (2015), photograph (courtesy the artists)

PARIS — How best to visually portray confidential globalized money transactions when they are an obscured and dematerialized phenomenon? Responding to this question through the use of ineffectual capture technology is Italian artists Paolo Woods and Gabriele Galimberti’s Les Paradis, rapport annuel (or “The Heavens, Annual Report”), a superficial photographic culture jam developed undercover in tony offshore tax havens. This whistle-blow show, which premiered in 2015 at the Rencontres d’Arles photography festival, is now at Centre Assas in the law school Université Paris II Panthéon-Assas, where it has been augmented with two roundtables on the subject of tax evasion and supplimental materials.

Through the diversity of photo locations featured in their project, Woods and Galimberti make the judicious point that tax havens are not tropical eccentricities, but rather structural instruments of the globalized economy. Enormous amounts of money are continuously placed offshore by very wealthy individuals and by companies that use these very low-tax jurisdictions (often legally) in order to reduce their taxes, thus retaining resources that countries could devote to education, health, public art, and the safety of their citizens.

My own reading of the 1%’s world of tax evasion in connection to the secondary art market suggests that hush-hush havens and brassy, big-name art objects work together to dominate the underprivileged in a melding scheme that blends money-as-data with art-as-data. This data ploy is now a salient feature of our time in that much blue chip modern and contemporary art functions as market-transcendent coinage, turning art into a vessel for storing wealth. This became glaringly obvious on September 15, 2008, the day of the collapse of Lehman Brothers, when Damien Hirst sold over £60 million worth of his art in an auction at Sotheby’s that would total £111 million over two days. In conjunction with such demonstrated secondary art market stability, leaked tax haven data — like the Panama Papers, Swiss Leaks, and Lux Leaks — have become unavoidable themes of political and cultural deliberation. The relevance for art could not be more serious, as more and more big-name art functions perversely as a wealth investment hedge while the rest of artistic production goes largely ignored by collectors bidding up the secondary auction market.

Paolo Woods and Gabriele Galimberti, “Tony Reynard and Christian Pauli, in Singapore Freeport” (2015), photograph (courtesy the artists)

One of the best photographs in Les Paradis is of Tony Reynard and Christian Pauli looking at each other in one of the high-security vaults of the Singapore Freeport. Reynard is the Chairman of the Singapore Freeport and Pauli is the General Manger of Fine Art Logistics NLC. The Singapore Freeport, which was designed, engineered, and financed by a team of Swiss businessmen, is one of the world’s maximum-security vaults where billions of dollars in art, gold, and cash are stashed away. Located just off the runway of Singapore’s airport, the Freeport is a fiscal no-man’s land where parsimonious individuals and creepy companies can confidentially collect valuables out of reach of the taxman. But this phenomenon, indicating that many are investing their wealth in visual art they rarely see, is spread widely around the world. Freeports have been established everywhere from Luxembourg and Geneva to Beijing, Hong Kong, Delaware, and soon will be in New York.

Woods and Galimberti took notice of these greasy and greedy trends and, after being galvanized by poor Haiti’s juxtaposition alongside the neighboring tax haven of the Cayman Islands (the fifth largest financial center in the world), embarked on this three-year, Yes Men-like project to expose tax avoidance among the extremely wealthy. They started by setting up a shell company called The Heavens LLC and headquartered in Delaware (a state where, for $700 and without any documents, a company can be created in less than 20 minutes) at the same address as offices of Apple, Bank of America, Coca-Cola, Google, Walmart, and 285,000 other companies. The show’s title refers to the annual reports of tax havens and corporations that set up systems of what those in the world of finance call “tax optimization.”

Installation view of Les Paradis, Rapport annuel at Université Paris II Panthéon-Assas (photo by the author for Hyperallergic)

The same week I visited Les Paradis, rapport annuel, I saw Raoul Peck’s artistically bold and socially important documentary on James Baldwin, I Am Not Your Negro. Peck’s film and Les Paradis, when considered together, raise some conspicuous considerations. Peck brilliantly and emotionally cross-wove historical threads of poverty and racism with current events of black oppression, while Woods and Galimberti interject no historical context into their contemporary scenes of white-collar (and mostly white) conquest.

The duo went straight to the Cayman Islands to study tax shelters and realized there was nothing to photograph and no historical records to explore. There was no money (or no concrete traces of it) to be seen. So they crept on, traveling to 12 different countries on four continents to capture the cultural and geographical aspects of this opaque phenomenon. The best they could do to depict the dematerialized global network of capital is take photos like the one of a man floating in the 57th-floor swimming pool of the Marina Bay Sands Hotel in Singapore’s financial district. There is a similar shot of another premium floater on the 66th floor of the Trump Ocean Club in Panama City; the view here is over-the-shoulder and down on a great number of dark, empty apartments, the results of a real estate bubble driven by drug money from Colombia and Venezuela laundered through property in Panama. Such luxury pool shots must stand in for the fact that most of the things that happen in these places are virtual and consequently hidden (so to speak) in computer hard drives and fiber optic cables. Tax havens are mostly places where companies receive email and mail. Unlike Peck’s much richer revelation through the words of Baldwin, Woods and Galimberti are only able to expose the face of places and actors currently profiting from or governing this connected system from which hundreds of multinationals benefit by shirking their social responsibility. It occurred to me that Mark Lombari’s conspiracy flow chart drawings do a better job of mapping and conveying invisible structures than current-event capture technology can muster.

Paolo Woods and Gabriele Galimberti, “The lobby of Ernst & Young’s headquarters in London” (2015), photograph (courtesy the artists)

Faced with the impossibility of depicting financial transactions, Woods and Galimberti fell back on four types of photos: clichéd metaphors; aggrandizing portraits; architectural documents; and poignant, prosaic photos of tax havens’ coercive consequences on people — the inequality and exploitation rendered on the backs of the poor. In most of these images, the eye glides over the slickest of surfaces: computers, banks, storage buildings, and glassy offices — as in “The lobby of Ernst & Young’s headquarters in London” (2015). There are several portraits of rich people with their expensive toys in their colorful landscapes with amazing views. These infuriatingly aloof images exhaust themselves in that’s-just-how-it-is closure — they are “money porn” shots, if you will, of the 1% fucking the poor.

Happily, the installation supplements these depraved images with educational interviews on two video monitors and other informative texts by journalists and economists that expound on the magnitude of this phenomenon. The installation also features pungent quotes, like one from Warren Buffett — “There’s class warfare, all right, but it’s my class, the rich class, that’s making war, and we’re winning” — that floats in gold above a photo of a large oil painting of billionaire Andreas Ugland and his family that hangs at the entrance of Ugland’s Cayman Motor Museum (an institution that houses his collection of Ferraris, Rolls-Royces, Bentleys, and vintage motorbikes). At the center of the painting is the banal-looking Ugland House office building, where more than 19,000 companies are registered to facilitate tax avoidance. Just right of the Ugland image is a photograph of Nicole, a 34-year-old sex worker in Singapore who looks at us through the reflection in the darkened glass of a window. This juxtaposition of have and have-not images strengthens both singular images and allows a connective thread to be drawn between cause and effect.

Installation view of Les Paradis, Rapport annuel at Université Paris II Panthéon-Assas (photo © UP2PA – direction de la communication – 2017)

In most of these images, Woods and Galimberti purposefully used the same type of visual codes that companies use in their communications, making photographs in the arcane photographic style of corporate self-promotion, which looks like advertising than art. Consequently, the status of these images is ambiguous — too ambiguous. All of the project’s faux-corporate images would have been greatly strengthened by being placed in direct diptych relationships with the photos showing the consequences of extreme global wealth inequality, like the image of poor 48-year-old Lam Po sitting in the tiny cage of an apartment he rents in Hong Kong.

Still, this is a revealing visual voyage that reminds us that tax havens are partially responsible for the growing inequalities in the world. Like slavery in centuries past, these money havens are not eccentricities but structural instruments of the capitalist global economy. Without pretending to deliver unambiguous solutions or to judge complex realities, Les Paradis offers those who wish it the opportunity to understand the deep structure of the time in which we live.

The exhibition may be aesthetically unsatisfactory, but it is a great pretext to talk about the world and the art world around us. Indeed, Les Paradis energizes art with confrontational juices, enriching it as a form of political discourse by provoking debate about photographic realism in our time of digital post-photography — a phenomenon perhaps best explained in Fred Ritchin’s book After Photography. In it, Ritchin offers an account of the dizzying impact of the digital revolution on the trajectory of the photographic image that changes the world in the very act of observing it. The myth of photographic objectivity has concealed fakery since the medium’s inception, but Ritchin stresses how digital media offer an appropriative and hyper-textual approach to photography that reinvents the authorial image into an evolving investigation among an infinite number of people. In a world where “the image” plays a central role, Les Paradis shows how difficult it is to see and investigate morally tilted systems. As such, the show reminded me of what Ursula Meyer proposed in her Conceptual Art anthology from 1972: “Art is not in the objects, but in the artist’s conception of art to which the objects are subordinated.”

Les Paradis suggests to me that framed photographic prints (such as these) and other art objects, when treated as a wealth repository and as stored financial data for high-end investment, lack the basic definition of art. All art-star images and objects in hermetically temperature controlled dark rooms are temporarily too philosophically and conceptually weak to remain art by Meyer’s standard. Perhaps these hoarded commodities merit the name “investment objects,” but such cultural artifacts, particularly when used to dodge taxation or to store and launder money, are the opposite of art: they are frozen limbo corpses caught up in the machine of the artless global economy, disconnected from the subjectivity of people at large. But Les Paradis isn’t only about art as frozen asset class. It is about the larger system of global capital dissimulation that abuses the moral responsibility of art through another form of de-materialization — the invisible, international flow of capital that still photography cannot capture. And that lack underlines a fundamental moral problem for art: the relationship between public and private, between the rich and the poor.

Installation view of Les Paradis, Rapport annuel at Université Paris II Panthéon-Assas (photo © UP2PA – direction de la communication – 2017)

Paolo Woods and Gabriele Galimberti’s Les Paradis, rapport annuel continues at the Centre Assas at the Université Paris II Panthéon-Assas (92 rue d’Assas, 5th arrondissement, Paris, France) through April 21.

The post Artists Form Shell Company to Visit and Photograph Tax Havens appeared first on Hyperallergic.

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