#<-this is something that affects their relation w/ other ppl who also almost killed them

[toestalucia]

btw was looking thro some stuff up to ~ch156 somewhere due to that post, but i like these parts soooooooo much

Repti: Duat, island of tribunals. Not only did you rescue your friend from an illegal death, but you even toppled the True King. An absolute brilliant display of skill. Choice: What are you scheming now?

meets repti again and immediately is on guard. me too

Then Ruby Pop Irotis points to the stone coffer nearby. A dull light glows from the coffer, which is topped with a pane of smooth glass. She seems to want Captain to look inside. Upon inspecting the contents, Captain's mind refuses to accept what the eyes see. Irotis: I'm sorry, Captain… Lyria, she… Confused beyond belief, hearing the woman speak Lyria's name pushes Captain over the edge. The captain lunges at her.

ITS THE LUNGEINNNNGGGGG ruby pop irotis u are my favorite my everything. no other va has had to cry as much as u have had to. they need to add u to more things immediadetly

HOLD ON THERES ALSO THIS PART

Captain studies the neatly folded scarf. Showing no signs of becoming a mask again, it looks like a common piece of neckwear. But from the moment Captain's fingers brush against the threads, the captain knows it came from the shrine priestess. Captain embarked on a journey first started by their parents, and it falls to the captain to rescue the shrine priestess. Feeling that it's another step toward the ultimate destination, Captain stows the scarf away. Right next to the letter that reads: "I'll be waiting for you in Estalucia, the Island of the Astrals."

im gonna be honest i forgot they kept the scarf. i did not forget the mask thing but this was crucial info i need to lean into more. btw the 'their' in there is ingame. i need to collect all those instances cuz it DOES happen, its one of my earliest gbf memories LOOOOL i do assume its to make localization easier so they dont have to put a he/she tag cuz they DO use he/she too, but whatever, its highly why i use they/he for gran either way.

also wording stuff but saying 'it falls to the captain' makes me ill. thinks about how dad made sure zinkenstill's villagers wouldnt tell captain about what happened long ago despite it involving the death of their grandparents & that they have an aunt out there. so they wouldnt set out with revenge. proceeds to tell them to go to estalucia insteAAADDDDDDDDDDD GGGGGG also they always reference the 'ill be waiting there' part. i get it. i know why. but when u put that next to an item u received from a friend who was told by ur aunt to give it to u ?!?!?!? ur aunt who was kidnapped by the kingdom ure currently in ?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!? the fact true king 1) has the luminary table = the luminary knights. baragona & walfrid r friends with dad (i need to get back to it but theres some dialogue about it belonging to erste?tau'luk when i get u) 2) essentially forces captain into a political engagement with his daughter. like. gran is NOT having a good time in oarlyegrande. they do not want to return even when this is all over. sorry oarlyegrande is so much i cant stop talking unfortunately for everyone i am obsesseed with main quest

[omanu]

ok. im feeling some type of way and it's time for trigger warning suicide depression n idk how to put the read more thing anymore so here we go (i say this as if ppl are here,, I'm p sure 90% of my followers are inactive)

so, lately I've been thinking about ugliness and how I can't stand that I am a true ugly person. like, in appearance, im pretty much what ppl would call ugly. and this is something humans created I know, but it is what it is, and just bc it is made up, it doesn't mean i don't suffer from it. and i don't like when ppl go out of their way to tell me im not ugly, bc i know how I am treated bc of my appearance. my entire life I was treated as an ugly person, so I am, and I know it, I know what I'm talking about, I'm not,, trying to fish for compliments bc I know some ppl genuinely might think I'm not ugly, but actually, if you are my online friend you just don't know how i look and, as for my irl friends they tell me that bc im a nice person and they like me. but, objectively, im hideous. so. yeah. im ugly.

i find myself accepting this reality unconsciously, sometimes I don't care, sometimes i don't think about it, sometimes is all I think about. and my ugliness is related to fatphobia and racism and just fuckin asymmetry, a picturesque thing, if you studied art just a little you know what I mean. so, anyway, sometimes I think i can pull it off when I'm skinnier but I've never been happier about how ugly I look no matter how fat or skinny I've been, and I'm currently obese and I've been super skinny too and it just feels the same. so, tonight I'm just sitting here thinking about how this affected me and shaped my personality and i always cry of course. and somehow this connects to my inability of making friends or even talking to ppl. now. this friends subject is a very complicated thing to talk about bc i have online friends who understand me on the most deepest level and I can truly count on them, the only problem is that they are not here, and idk if they wanted to be by my side as much as I want them to be by mine. and that's fine, they have their own life. and my friends irl are ppl who I love too but they are no way, in an emotional level, close to me. I have nothing to share w them, no common interests. we just like each other. and, tbh, I have accepted I won't form a complete bond, in my terms, with anyone, or be loved, or be known how I want to. i truly don't know if this is a reasonable desire, but I feel like that's how I want to have friendships: share interests, enjoy each other's companies, truly know each other, be together in the same place, think about each other, do nice thinks you like together. I think that's pretty much all I want, and I have it in pieces, separated by distance and by liking. this can form something, but it doesn't fit. i also don't know if this is me going after some kind of perfection that is not real, but some people look like they have that, and in a way, i have it too, but i still feel incomplete. which leads me to another subject, which is suicide.

i really wanna commit suicide, and I believe that's how I will go. i have no faith I will be okay with living, and if I don't kill myself, I'll just live a miserable life anyway, so there is no difference, except if I don't kill myself my mom wont have to deal w this mess.

like, the is no way I will live well. i can't learn to love myself and i don't even want to love myself, so i know it's going to be like this forever. and im thinking about jjong and his suicide letter. I mean, why can't I do it? it's my life. everything has been the same and will be the same. why do I have to endure this pain for nothing? i don't believe in god and i don't believe in hell or in heaven or anything. i think nothing will happen to me when I die, when I kill myself, except I will stop existing and that all i want for almost decade. this will not. change. im not gonna lie, I want the attention, I want ppl in my.life to know im about to lose it, I wanna try to kill myself and fail and go to a psych ward and make everyone worried and then get back home and then try again and again and again. but my mom would lose her mind, I just want attention and this attention won't change anything cuz im still myself. and I'm doomed bc i am myself. I wanna die but I also wanna stay so i can hurt myself and pity myself and try to get more and more attention threatening I will kill myself. do i really wanna kill myself. dikslff I'm laughing cuz I was thinking about creating an account on weverse and write how i can't find friends and I want bts to see it and I want them to say something but I won't see it cuz I will be dead. or, I want to feel the sadness when no one comments when no one shows interest. or I wanna receive hate in my dms saying that I'm guilt tripping ppl. i want all of this attention. this is what I'm doing right now, trying to get an anonymous message here too! but it has to be anonymous! if it's no not, it's not gonna be special, it won't feel good. ok, I'll sleep and then I will wake up and delete all the posts I made on twt and this post bc the embarrassment of not receiving a single message, a single note, and the embarrassment of just the things I've said will be too much and I will go on and tell myself: what did you expect. this is exactly what should happen to you. nothing. I am the person who says I'm gonna kill myself to the wrong audience. I am the person pretending. if i was the real deal, I'd do it in front of my mom. my dad. they would go around and do things for me. why can't I do that? if that's what I want? im not talking about dying. I want my movie to contain all the times I said I was gonna kill myself and no one showed up on my curious cat. no dm. no notification pop up. i want delete my social media so people someday think about me and go try to find my @ and they can't find anything so they think: wow did he die. and then i want them to worry. but I have to know about it.

im not crying anymore. i want to hurt myself and I want ppl to see it. and i wanna die and I want them to know about it. but i can't know if they will know about it when I'm dead. this is making me laugh because life is the only thing we know. we can't even imagine how is it like to be dead. we simply don't know.

anyways. I'm not gonna do anything as always. if anyone has any idea why I don't just kill myself, please let me know.

[bma-2020]

- So I stole the ring and escaped to your world. It was supposed to trigger a coup, unfortunately... well. You saw what happened. 

( DO NOT REBLOG W/O MY EXPLICIT PERMISSION. )

Oh, jack jack jack jack heart. It’s surprising how many ppl saw him as a heartthrob. Then again many ppl have interesting tastes so who am i to judge? 

It seemed fitting to do Jack as my first Character Analysis post since I actually write him too, and he has a fairly large portion in Mally’s history.

 The Prince of Hearts, son of the Queen and King of Hearts, and a traitor to his mother-- though, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. The Queen of Hearts is a major dictator in Syfy Lore (Despite the other half of what i pull my canon from, aka A/merican M/cgee Alice, she is only slightly dictatory, and more... she believed the Red Queen and Alice were responsible for Wonderland’s destruction and held them accountable for it without thinking it over as deeply as she could have) and, well, most lore in fact. While in the books she was (as far as we’re aware)  the rightful leader, in this Wonderland she is not. In fact, she flat out murdered the White Queendom (with the Red King being part of it, and his obvious marriage to a white queen since they were in the destroyed white queendom, it’s pretty clear she likely annihilated the House of Red too.) and stole her crown and Wonderland as a whole.

Obviously, I worked this out a lot more, pulled in the Arcana from T/arot and related the Houses of Cards to individual.. Cartomancy, basically. The House of Hearts was technically in the Low Arcana, and by destroying the High Arcana, she gained power. This does in fact relate to Jack, too.

Somewhere, in his tiny shriveled up little spoiled heart, Jack sees what his mother did was wrong. He sees that Wonderland is dying, that his mother is at the heart of the destruction. So, Jack Heart joined forces with The Resistance (In my canon, Caterpillar thoroughly replaces The Gryphon with Jack.) He becomes the lead double agent in The Resistance, and his mother doesn’t suspect a thing... at first. 

Jack’s already shown to be snarky, sassy, he doesn’t take order well, and doesn’t quite enjoy listening to his mother. When Mary (the Queen) started talking to Duchess later on, inferring she’ll have Duchess killed and replaced with someone else who could control her son, that hints that he’s had a number of prior engagements that his mother had likely beheaded, after being the one to appoint most of them anyways! (It’s thoroughly hinted that The King of Hearts is who appointed Duchess as his current Fiancee.) 

Though, the fact Mary had more than one engaged to him, with the intention of controlling and gaining information off of her son, part of her had to be aware of his betrayal. She’s a frickan genius, not the short-tempered, non-thinking Queen many iterations would have us think (The only time she makes awful decisions is when she takes a taste of childlike innocence, which seems to greatly hinge her.) She’s constantly aware of what’s going on around her, she’s aware of what others are thinking. As quick tempered as she is, and likely to have someones head cut off and forget she sentenced them to death a day later, she still manages to be constantly aware. Thus, there’s no real way Jack was able to hide everything from her. 

Now, Jack plays off as the type of loyal man who’ll do anything to get the job done for Caterpillar. All the way down to going to the oyster world to find Alice, and try to have her free her father’s mind so he would help them stop kidnapping oysters and let them go. He flirted, he got with her, he manipulated her until she fell for him and arguably, he accidentally fell for her. Al while he was engaged to The Duchess. And while one might argue that since he did not wish to be engaged to The Duchess, so his cheating was okay.... I’m not gonna try to explain the otherwise here. Especially since Duchess very clearly does love him, and willingly defies his mother for him. 

This is where my analysis really shows through his character for me, he’s a manipulative little shit. Sometimes, it’s helpful, like him manipulating his own mother into letting Alice go back home rather than kill her in front of her father. Manipulate Duchess into helping him when he needs her to, he has a way with words to get people to want to take his side (Something Hatter picks up on immediately, and clearly tries to explain to a very unlistening alice.) And I do believe that’s a core part of his character. If he really wanted Wonderland to live a life in true bliss again, why did he decide to keep the throne once his mother was defeated? The entire plan relied on his mother being defeated and the crown falling to him. But the reality is, the crown never belonged to his family to begin with.

Now, if anyone from the White Queen’s dynasty survived, I honestly doubt he’d give them the crown even after they proved themselves. He wants that crown, he wants to be in charge, despite any claims he makes to the otherwise. He even tried, after reconciling with Duchess, to convince Alice to stay in wonderland as his queen. Power has always been a major aspect of his character. While he might want to rule Wonderland into a ‘new state of freedom’, he still wants control of it. He still wants to be looked upon as the wonderful Jack Heart, savor of wonderland, rightful king. He might think he has Wonderland’s best interest at heart (if he does), but he also wants to keep control to himself. Likely often using excuses of ‘others could do what my mother did’ but that really doesn’t excuse him. 

He’s lied to a multitude of people, he’s manipulated his way into others hearts, and his main focus has always been dethroning his mother to get the crown. Honestly? Caterpillar probably saw that and took the opportunity to get him on their side. After all, Jack knew his mother would never willingly give him her power, why else would she try to marry him off to others to control him? 

HERE, we specifically go into my Jack, and how it relates to Mally. I would not go with this plot with any other Jack writers unless they approved of it first hand-- same with the rest of my analysis and storyline, which applies to all characters and is even listed in my rules, but yknow.

Basically, when Mally was working as one of the Queen’s spies/assassins, she was going to be one of his engagements. Her notactuallyherfatherbutpretendingtobeher-father, who’s the Queen’s Lord Steward, convinced Mary that Mally would be a good method to control Jack. That... really didn’t work out, as Mally has a massive inability to handle being controlled, and she really can’ stand Jack. (She was mostly indifferent to him before, but after being told she had to marry him, yeah she instantly believed it was his idea and hated him for it). Thing is... Jack can’t actually touch her, as most people can’t, yknow, cause she doesn’t have any heat in her body almost at all. 

That’s actually where the majority of her brother trying to figure out a method (’The injection’ as I call it) that can allow others to touch her without getting hurt. Something that he did manage to make a few successful prototypes of, though not without secretly taking off with blood samples from Mad March. Upon realization that Mad March wasn’t affected by her extreme temperature gauges, he figured it must be something genetic, and decided that would be the best method to research it. Jack Heart did get one later, as one of his plans did include Mallymkun. The one upside to having to marry her would be he’d have more of a method of controlling her in that state (though, in Wonderland, women do have more control then men. ) When Mally eventually comes across Jack again, and learns he won’t die by her touch... she’s really not happy about that. I’ll get more into those ‘plans’ later but this is already too long and I probably should stop here. 

IF YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT SY/FY A/LICE, HERE IS MY TAG (in Post-chrono order) FOR INFORMATION REGARDING IT.