#<--- if that actually happens I'm going to kill myself that's 3 years worth of art. even though I don’t like it

[paperbaldi]

would be crazy if I reach 1k followers in the next year

[inquisimer]

six song soundtrack

@shivunin tagged me to make a character soundtrack, thank you friend!!

If you're tagged, make a new post with links to music and/or lyrics describing the following: 1. An event that defines your character's past 2. How your character sees themselves 3. How others view them 4. Their closest relationship (platonic or romantic) 5. A major fight scene 6. End credits song

For Siobhan Hawke:

This City by Sam Fischer

Hard to Kill by Beth Crowley

W.I.T.C.H. by Annapantsu

Happy by MARINA

Hell or High Water by The Rescues

All the King's Horses by Karmina

tagging forward to: @rosella-writes | @pickelda | @dungeons-and-dragon-age | @exalted-dawn-drabbles | @queenaeducan

thoughts & rambling under the cut :3

An event that defines Siobhan's past: This City by Sam Fischer

this city's gonna break my heart this city's gonna love me then leave me alone this city's got me chasin' stars it's been a couple months since I felt like I'm home this city's gonna break my heart

Since a lot of Siobhan's story, for me, focuses on the later acts and post-DA2, I chose a song that speaks to her arrival in Kirkwall as an event that defines her past. When they get to Kirkwall, she's still desperately trying to fill Malcolm's empty shoes for their family - now without the context that she saw her dad in, and having just lost Bethany. She's a little bit lost, trying very hard not to let on that she's lost, and suddenly she and Kirkwall need each other. That purpose takes away a lot of her uncertainty and she seizes on it.

How Siobhan sees herself: Hard to Kill by Beth Crowley

I belong to the city and was raised on the stakes I claimed so I let the rumors turn me into a legend 'cause I'm only human but a good myth is hard to kill

So much of Siobhan's identity is tied to being the Champion, and later the Viscountess. She stops seeing herself as separate from Kirkwall--the city would not survive without her, and she needs it just the same (both figuratively and literally). This one also touches on her quest for power and control: she knows that she'll never be safe unless she's untouchable, so she sets out from the start to become a person who can pull all the strings in Kirkwall, and succeeds. In doing so, she comes to care so deeply about the city that her plan loops back on itself, and even after she's safe, she seeks out the favors her mythology offers to make the city better.

How others view Siobhan: W.I.T.C.H. by Annapantsu

she ain't out to get you, but she's better on your side and she don't wanna be anybody else she's a woman in total control of herself it's such a wonder to be under her spell what a woman in total control of herself

Very few people (none, for many years in Kirkwall) can perceive anything about Siobhan that she doesn't want them to. And what she wants them to see is someone in control, someone who knows what she's doing, where she's going, and how she's going to get there. Because she needs them to believe that, to give her the access and tools she needs to actually make it happen. It's a delicate balance, but she's very charismatic and politic and persuasive. It isn't until Act III that her closer friends (Sebastian & Fenris) start to see cracks and after not until after Anders' destruction of the Chantry that it slips fully. Only long enough for her to kill him, and then it's back in place for her to fix what he broke, but it slips long enough to be seen, which is more than she let it slide for the ten years before.

Her closest relationship - Siobhan/Loghain: Happy by MARINA

it made me feel like I belonged and all the sadness inside me melted away like I was free I found what I'd been looking for in myself Found a life worth living for someone else

Oh boy. Yeah, I turned this one over a LOT before settling here. Siobhan's relationship with Loghain is one of mirrors--they are on the same journey, just a few decades apart. He loved Ferelden so much that he sold his soul to hold it together (it wasn't enough) and she loved Kirkwall so much that holding it together tore her apart (it wasn't enough). He was forced to leave the country he loved for its own good, and she was eventually forced to leave Kirkwall for the same. They have regrets upon regrets and the same "I have to keep going. For something, but I have to keep going" resignation about continuing after they failed their respective regions. After Anders' actions at the Chantry and taking over as Viscountess, Siobhan is in a dark place: because of what she let happen and how much blood and fire it took to restore balance. And what it's going to cost to fix it. That Loghain comes back into her life at that point is key, because he sees in her the man he was at the end of Tabris' sword and he knows how to hold her through picking up those pieces. In working together over that first year, they each find someone who can understand the insurmountable pain and regret of what they've done--it will never go away, but they can hold each other on the days that it sits heavier on their hearts. They understand each other in this way, in the way that almost no other possibly could. And they are each needed, not for what they can do but for who they are, a rare experience for each of them.

A major fight scene: Hell or High Water by The Rescues

we are running out of time meet me at the water line no one here is safe - when the river's running red and we begin to falter we'll hang on to the edge come hell or high water

Since it was a fight song, I picked this one at least partially for the rhythm and beat, which slaps. I'm really sad that it got taken down off Spotify😭 beyond that, "no one here is safe" speaks to Siobhan's constantly looking over her shoulder, covering her ass, making sure she's considered every angle so that nothing can take her by surprise. Likewise, "we'll hang on to the edge, come hell or high water"--Siobhan is virtually unflappable in most situations; she's adaptable, and cunning and she will make things work for her. Essentially this post: she is so fucking hinged. She will not be unhinged, as long as her life and the life of those she loves depends on her staying hinged.

End credits song: All the King's Horses by Karmina

caught in the thought of that time when everything was fine, everything was mine - blind, but I'm still alive free to go back on my own but is it still a home, when you're all alone? all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put me back together again

Of course, Siobhan loses Loghain when he sacrifices himself to take the Nightmare down in the Fade. She loses him to her mistake, when she was ready to pay for that error. Loses him, in fact, against the Inquisitor's wishes--Trevelyan was going to send Hawke against the demon and Loghain intervenes. And she is so broken by this. It utterly shatters the confidence and charisma and poise that was the core of her forever. For one, shining moment, she has a Kirkwall that is whole & thriving, she has a lover who knows her at her side, there are no imminent threats.

And then it all comes crashing down.

After the Fade and the Inquisition, she can't go back to Kirkwall, because she's not the same person who was their Champion and she can't stand the ghost of Loghain that lives there now. It breaks her heart doubly, because she wants nothing more than the comfort of her city--but it hurts just as much, now.

She gets resolution, a different happy ending with Sebastian, and the title of this song is a nod to that. The Prince of Starkhaven can't heal her or put her back together, as much as he wants to. In her grief, she has to process and choose to keep living, for herself.

[poggieking3]

piping hot take! i do not really like PTSD being thrown around with the main 4 (mario, 3, 4, and meggy). i have C-PTSD so i can say shit on this. 4 nearly DIED in that castle and was left traumatized, meggy was mentally AND psychologically tortured for AT LEAST a month straight, mario has his own demons i'm SURE, and 3 is on his way getting more trauma. give these guys a BREAKKK they've gone through way too much, how much else are they going to take.

whole fucking rant under the cut

like, okay please don't get me wrong here. i like puzzlevision, i actually really like him. he is interesting, his character his interesting, i love his character design, his personality. i fear that this mini series will end up having 1 or multiple of the main 4 getting traumatized, and then have it never touched on again. this happened to meggy DEADASS like her trauma was never mentioned again after western spaghetti. wren easily fucked her up for LIFE. and it's just? forgotten...?

like holy shit i wish PTSD was handled more accurately in this series, especially as of recently. i like how melony's was handled. she was grieving deeply for axol and helped herself cope by adopting her pet axol jr and taking care of it, and keeping axol's memory alive. meggy was grieving deeply for desti and trained hard to fulfill desti's wish and win the splatfest, also keeping desti's memory alive. 4's castle trauma also was done right. bro was having a whole bipolar manic episode and was SUFFERING from his own nonexistent self-worth and self-esteem, and was taken advantage of completely by puzzlevision. he watched EVERYTHING around him crumble. he watched HIMSELF crumble and was an outside witness to it, with no control. then, meggy being tortured and killed over and over and OVER again is quickly forgotten about, just like that???

i love PTSD representation in media. i cherish it. it makes me feel seen. i'm just. upset how wren fucking RUINED meggy's life by torturing her over and over, killing her, making her lose her sanity and trust, and then it's. never mentioned again. she has hands down gone through THE WORST of the entire cast. i fucking know what it's like to have my life ruined by people, multiple people in my damn case. i did not go through what she did, but if my trauma was cast off to the side after the movie it occurred in i'd be MAD for sure!

i've talked about how i'd handle meggy's trauma. after wren broke her fucking mind, she'd be coping EXTREMELY poorly because of how much she endured. she'd be inconsolable. she'd be emotionally unstable and lash out. she'd feel threatened by tiny inconveniences because they'd remind her of what wren put her through. she'd be terrified of male inklings. she'd have CONSTANT nightmares since every day in that simulation, she woke up in bed remembering each fashion wren killed her in. she'd pat her chest and stomach, scared she got shot again. she'd have panic attacks hearing guns go off. something as small as a southern accent could set alarms off in her head.

if i had a nickel for every time meggy's life was threatened by a villainous man hellbent on scarring her for life, i'd have 2 nickels, which is weird how it happened twice. she wasn't even safe ON HER OWN VACATION?

i just don't get how the movie pretty much made her suffer repeatedly and there's nothing as small as a reference to her trauma in the current episodes? we saw her fight off wren in that tier list 3 and 4 made together because 3 said she has plot armor. but that's it!

put the solar system bitches in a series of happy, wholesome filler episodes and PRONTO. give these guys a trillion dollars in compensation each. imma be real upset if, after the puzzlevision series, the trauma relating to it is never heard of again, ESPECIALLY given that puzzlevision's been a prominent threat for a solid year now

luke and kevin i love you both saur much i just. clenches fist to myself.

[nozomi-kaizoku]

I hate whenever my parents act like they care about my mental health then get all pissy at me when I tell them that I don't want to do school anymore even if I explain why, and I'm genuinely fucking tired of it.

I don't know about you motherfuckers, but when you are mistreated by the people around you CONSTANTLY for your entire life, without any breaks, and when that's done you're then blamed for it all, it really does take a toll on your mental health, and trust me when I say that it royally screwed my entire life over, I MEAN IT.

I had to face constant stigma and ableism for over 13 years, and the harder I tried to fix myself, the more people had pushed me away.

So, I'm gonna be BRUTALLY honest when I say this:

I've given up on wanting to go to college because it's way to expensive, I gave up on wanting a career because there's nothing out there worth doing, I gave up on even trying to find a job in the first place because nobody wants to hire a mentally unstable retard with no work experience, and overall I've just abandoned all of my passions and ambitions. All because people have kicked me when times got rough, and when I tried my best to make things right, it was never enough, they still kept pushing me down, and I just can't do it anymore.

And it doesn't help that my basic human rights are slowly being stripped away from me because I happen to be a disabled queer trans AFAB kid with a mental illness, basically meaning that by the time I make it to my 20's (if I don't kill myself before I make it to 18), I'll be living in a constant hellhole where I'll die in the worst ways possible to humankind.

All I'm ever going to be in life is this sad, mentally unstable, egotistical virgin who makes other people's life worse, and there is nothing I can do to change that, let alone anyone else.

I was doomed to be like this since the day I was born. And that's probably one of the hardest things I had to accept as a borderline auDHD person.

And that's the entire reason why I want to drop out of school, it's making my mental health worse anyway, and what's the point of being in school if I'm not gonna have a good life regardless??

And instead of actually listening to me, my bitch ass parents told me to suck it up and that my feelings were invalid and that I deserve to suffer, and honestly, fuck them.

"I was like you two when i was your age, and I regretted it, so you should stay in school" good for you i guess, but that won't change shit.

Stop pretending like I have a future, you're only making it worse.

good thing I'm suspended for 3 days so that I won't have to put up with school for the rest of the week...

Anyway I'm supposed to be working on homework rn, but I'm not going to because there is no reason to.

[scarysanctuary]

The first three episodes I found Ed's struggle extremely relatable, hard to watch, and upsetting, but with a little time I was eventually able to process it, and analyze what happened, and the trauma he's gone through. But, you know who i can barely allow myself to think about right now? Izzy. I acknowledge i am biased, but i cant even imagine the amount of pain he is in by the end of episode 3. Ed and Stede knew each other for a fraction of the time that Izzy and Ed knew each other. He's dedicated most of his life to this man who ended up abusing him, belittling him, and essentially tried to kill him, but despite that, Izzy was not able to end Eds life, it wasn't until the crews lives were in danger that he finally allowed Ed to be "put down" without intervening. Even though he didn't kill Ed himself, the amount of guilt he must feel for letting the love of his life be killed right before his eyes, unable to protect him, for having been unable to stop Eds erratic moods in the first place, having been unable to make him happy, and in general, was not enough for Ed, when Ed was all that Izzy ever needed. He's a failure in every way that matters to him. Now, imagine the amount of agony he must be in, loyalty to Ed has been such a big part of Izzy's character, and probably even a measure of his self worth is found in his ability to stick by the greatest pirate ever known, and having the mental fortitude to wade through all the hardship that comes with that. i fully believe that without Edward, Izzy isn't certain of who he is. (Stede is Ed's lighthouse, and Ed is Izzy's anchor) He's an unmoored ship at this point. I've always felt like Izzy's real job is less about being a pirate and more about being Ed's protector specifically. And if Ed's dead, then he doesn't have a job anymore and for someone like Izzy, who is always focused on work and doing it properly, if he has no job, he has no purpose; his life is already over. We saw him attempt to end his life, whether it was because of the emotional or physical pain, its clear that he is dealing with suicidal thoughts, and that breaks my heart.

But the real part I'm struggling with is the way that Ed and Izzy differ in how their suicidal thoughts are exemplified. Ed was showing everyone just how bad it was, he was abusing and scaring everyone, until of course it all manifests in that final ride into the storm, where its clear he's serious, its very loud, and ostentatious, and he's begging for an end, or even help, if possible. But Izzy, Izzy keeps it to himself, he drinks alone, he cries silent tears, and when the others do see him cry, he tries to brush it off as if its not happening at all. He doesn't seek comfort from others or from warm soup, he doesn't attempt to hurt others, he curls up in on himself, and tells Stede "Go on Bonnet, give me your worst" fully expecting to be further abused, rather than empathized with. on top of it all, he's also a heartbroken man, who now fully understands that Stede and Ed are actually in love, and all these years, he never had a chance. Despite all that turmoil inside, he doesn't make a show of his trauma, or how broken he is, he doesn't make it as plainly clear as Ed did, that he actually does need help, he does need love, he doesn't even try because he doesn't think he would receive any, nor does he think he deserves it. To me there's nothing sadder than someone suffering in silence while surrounded by people that could and would help if asked. Izzy has instead put himself in a box away from others, and all I want is for him to get to a place where he can accept the love that is exactly what he needs, rather than being loved as best as one can.

[mynotsohealthyobsession]

Disembodied parte 4/8

Warning: Mention of death // Angst // Fluff

Pairings: Adrian Raines X MC // Nik Ryder X MC

Words: 1.277

As always, tags in the reblog!

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3

They both stood rooted in place. Neither of them moved or said a word. It seemed like time had stopped and neither of them knew how to reset it. Their eyes studied each other's faces, recognizing themselves. Amy saw the ponytail that Alex had made with her hair, something truly unusual for her. Alex, instead, noticed that Amy had picked her more casual clothes, avoiding anything hunter-related.

After a while, Amy walked inside the penthouse and closed the door behind her, leaning her back against it to keep her distance. She cleared her throat, trying to compose herself. "I don't know if you are who I think you are but–"

"You are Amy." Alex cut her. "The real Amy."

"And you are Alex."

"Yes."

"We need to talk."

"No kidding. Let's start with what's going on and why are you in my body?"

"I don't know." Amy said sorrowfully. "I've been asking myself that for over a week." Alex stood quietly, simply observing Amy and what used to be her body. It was curious but for some reason, she trust Amy. She sighed.

"So I guess you know as much as I do."

"If you know absolutely nothing, then yeah, we are on the same page." Alex chuckled grimly.

"I need a drink." Alex said and Amy observed how her former body moved to the kitchen without her conscience in it. Like she was watching an extremely realistic movie about herself. “Where the hell is the alcohol here?”

"There's a wine cellar under the counter."

"You have been here before?"

"Yeah. Adrian let me stay here for a while last year." Amy looked around nostalgically. "And we celebrated our first victory here."

"I see." Alex returned with two glasses and a bottle of wine, sitting back in front of Amy again. "This has to be the strangest thing I've ever seen in my life." She commented. "And trust me, I've seen a few really weird things."

"Yeah, me too." She took the glass that Alex was passing her taking a big and grateful sip of it, trying to relax her nerves.

"I don't know if you know but I'm a vampire." She thought over her words for a second. "Well, you are a vampire."

"I imagine it." Amy sighed. "After what happened I guess it was the only option."

"Does it bother you?"

"...No. I didn't want to die or leave Adrian and the rest behind." She touched her chest. "There are too many things I want to see and do yet."

"I know the feeling."

“I tried to talk with Adrian about it before everything but it wasn't the right time. The truth is… I wanted to be Turned. Maybe under better circumstances but…” She took a deep breath. "Anyway… Apparently, you have new powers too."

"I do?" Amy put her hand up, the palm facing the ceiling, and concentrated, closing her eyes. After a while, her skin became warmer and Alex gasped. "Oh, I can't wait to test those babies out." She grinned until their reality hit them again. "If we actually manage to get this right."

"We will. We have to."

"What happened to Thomas?"

"Thomas?" Amy paused for a second. "Oh, that white thing." She nodded. "When I woke up, I killed it, with your new powers."

“Finally. That bastard gave us a lot of problems.” Alex left her glass on the table. “Everybody is okay, right?”

"Yes, they are all fine. They were more concerned about you.” She took the bottle, removing the cork again. “Nik came with me, actually."

"Oh."

"You don't sound too happy. Should I tell him to leave?"

"No, it's just… Things are complicated between us right now."

"I see." Amy filled the glasses again. "If it's worth anything, he's been really worried about you." Alex shrugged, looking down at the red wine. "Are you close to him?"

"I thought I was." Her stare became distant like her mind was somewhere else. "But apparently his care has an expiration date." Amy nodded, taking a sip. "How about you and Adrian?"

"We are. I think…" Amy smiled. "...We are kinda dating? Maybe?" She grinned for a moment until her eyes focused on Alex and her smile was gone. She hadn't thought of what had happened here until now. They had kissed? Or maybe more? She couldn't blame him if it was the case, he would have thought it was her, but it would hurt either way.

"I think you should know that nothing happened between us."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I have the feeling that he was wanting to talk about something with me… You… But the second he noticed something was different, he kept his distance." Alex swirled the reminds of wine in her glass, pensive. “I think that, deep down, he knew I wasn’t you.”

“I’m not that surprised, to be honest.” Amy gently chuckled to herself. “Adrian is really perceptive at times.”

“I think he is especially perceptive about you.” Amy drank a sip, covering her smile with the glass.

“Same goes for you and Nik, you know.” Alex bit down her bottom lip, looking a little sad. “And nothing happened between us either. Actually, he gave me a really hard time.”

“He gives everyone a hard time.” Alex stood, getting close to the dark window and looking down to where Adrian and Nik were waiting for them. “He is kind of an ass but his heart is in the right place. Most of the time at least.”

“He also wants to talk with you about something. From the moment I woke up.” Alex nodded absently. “You don’t seem surprised.”

“I’m not. Before Thomas’ attack he…” Alex sighed. “Let’s just say we weren't on the same page.”

“I understand.” Amy also let her gaze wander to wander to the outside world. “Are you ready to go?”

“As ready as I’m going to be.” She took a jacket and they both walked to the hallway, taking the elevator down. Seeingthe woman exit the elevator, the men walked over.

“Everything okay?” Adrian asked.

“Yeah.” Amy smiled at him and Alex cleared her throat.

"I think I should introduce myself. Alex Fontaine. And…" She hesitated before continuing to talk. "...Adrian, I'm sorry that I've lied to you for this past week, I–"

"There's no need for that." His tone was polite and normal, not angered at all. "I understand why you did it."

"Thank you."

"Alex," Nik called her. She didn't say a word, simply watching him with a mix of anger and sadness in her posture.

Amy called Adrian's attention with a discreet squeeze on his upper arm. "Maybe we should give them some privacy." She murmured to him.

"I appreciate it but that's not necessary," Alex said, firmly. "First, I think we should try to figure this out." She narrowed her eyes looking at Nik's eyes directly. "Then we'll see."

"Works for me." Nik agreed. "Ivy is going to join us in a video call. She decided to stay back in NOLA and check some books."

"We can use the conference room for that," Adrian said, guiding the group through the doors to the elevator.

Nik whistled looking around. "Nice setup, man. Are you trying to compensate for something?"

"Nik!" Alex reprimanded him but Adrian just smirked.

"Curious. That was my exact thought about your many weapons." He opened the conference room and gave Nik access to the main computer to call Ivy. Only a minute later, her face popped on the wall screen. After exchanging a few friendly words, she looked straight at the camera.

"I have found a few things about this you all need to hear."

✨️

[tea-and-secrets]

I worry about my future, but what I’m able to accomplish and what others think I can accomplish. I think I compensate for other people, so as to not feel their judgment. I allude more to what my future may be, I make it vague when I myself know it is clear, I say I have more options but I do not want those options. I’m afraid my Dad will give up on me. He’’ll think it wasn’t worth it, and after the many, many times I said it wasn’t, he might actually believe it. I’m scared my sisters will think I was pathetic for not trying, but I’ve tried, and I still am, working hard, doing my best, But I wonder if best is enough, maybe their best is better? Maybe my best isn’t even half of what they are. And then the age old question I’ve faced for half my life comes running back, just as it knows the road is clear for it to reign freely - why can’t i be like them? Though I know the answer to this question, I feel it in every conversation, every hangout, every fight, every celebration, it’s so easy to ignore, yet I feel so guilt ridden to do just that, like I’m not honest, with them, with myself, like im not telling them that im not what they think,that im not them, just a failure. I hate to cry about old wounds, but scars are lasting and this one hurts even after the 9th bandage shoved its way across my stomach, im sick. and tired. of feeling like im not one of my sisters, like im not smart, or pretty, or sensible, or funny, or like if i acted like myself than i would be the farthest thing from what they are. I’m so scared. What if one day they leave me alone again? What if they make me hate myself again? What if they think i deserve to feel that way again? I know i don’t. But do they? Do they convince themselves that ive changed? Ive become one of them? I wish, i wish so badly that i could be like them, so pretty, so smart, so sensible, so funny, i wanna be like them, i convinced myself for years that i just had to try harder and i would be if i spent years convincing myself i could be all of that on my own. But i dont know. did i waste years obsessing over being one of them, or being a perfect version of myself and now im neither? Im not sure, i dont know, and i'm so scared im gonna end up like 6 years ago - hating myself, and praying to god i could be them so i would love myself. I attempted it you know? I actually tried 3 times, and failed 3 times evidently with the way im writing this 6 years later. I wonder if i thought itd be like this, i feel a sense of clarity knowing that im not that anymore, not despising myself anymore, but i wonder, if it’ll all come back. I learnt in society n culture that the theory on change is that it might be linear or circular, i think its circular, history repeats itself constantly but at the same time we dont regress in our most advanced institutions. i don’t know if nursing or the way we medicate changes in 30-50 years but i don’t think we’ll go back to believing we should leave it upto god. not to say god isn’t who we should depend on, i am faithful, when it comes down to science or philosophy, god rules everytime. But that doesn’t mean human concepts aren’t futile on me, in the wise words of Lessons in Chemistry - Religion is the why, Science is the how - and like all things i believe, god is involved in every step of evolution and change and repetition and that they are things that happen through the power of god and the lack of from humans. The point is, we’re ever-changing for the better but we will repeat ourselves, our mistakes, our decisions. So what if my self hatred is just a repeating cycle, waiting for the next obstacle to let its self out? If so i think id rather of killed myself 6 years ago,

.

[anerdyfeminist]

Very long and self-centered work rant incoming.

I know I've referenced a few things about what a hard and weird time it is at work and honestly I've only said about 5% of the truth of what all I'm carrying and that is going on. The ambiguity around what happens w/ my role, in particular, is killing me. I'm not at risk of losing my job, but a major leadership transition is looming and it's all very confusing. The cut to the chase is that I don't know what my role actually is in the new FY, which starts in 3 weeks now. It's a total shit show and in the process, I've discovered that I could be making almost twice what I make now at different nonprofits in fundraising, in positions that carry about 1/3 the responsibility and weight of other people's roles/livelihoods, etc. (It really is true when you are someone who STAYS you get penalized financially.)

I've loved this mission and this team for nearly 14 years now but IDK how much longer I can wait through all this bullshit. Someone I know from the Austin nonprofit world reached out to me to offer me free career coaching bc she's getting her certification and needs guinea pigs and I don't mind being one because I just need HELP and some outside perspective on what I actually want to do as I am 18 years into my nonprofit career at this point.

At our last session she asked me if I ever think about what's best for me instead of constantly focusing in on what's best for this organization and like I knew that's a problem for me but I didn't KNOW-know it until she said it. It's sitting really heavy for me.

I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I'm going to for a second. I'm really good at my job. Like REALLY REALLY GOOD. Like award winning in my industry good. Like has a reputation as one of the few very healthy mangers/team leads of nonprofit fundraising in Austin good. (All 3 of my current direct reports at different times have told me they'll also plan their exits when I go, and I've successfully retained all of them for 5-10 years depending on when they joined.) Like have been attempted headhunted many times but haven't ever wanted to leave this mission before good. Like I wanted to see what's out there that may want me, and I've gotten 3 interviews w/in 2-3 days of contacting some recruiters or putting my resume out there good.

And it's all just making me so fucking sad because I don't WANT to leave, but I DO want to feel appreciated and seen and make the kind of money my peers are, for doing FAR FAR less work....or to at least feel as recognized by my current employer as I do these prospective new ones for how obviously awesome and valuable I am.

I've always been an authority-pleaser (ugh abuse baggage.) I've damaged myself tenaciously reaching goals that were too much, too hard, etc. I've been working now for 25 years in some form or another and I'm consistently told I'm a top performer...so why don't I feel like it here and now??? I started working as a babysitter and tutor when I was like 13, and I began pulling down "real" paychecks when I turned 16. Across the dozens of jobs I've had, I've never had a single corrective action taken against me...I've never been written up or fired. I barely have any listed areas of "needs improvement" on any of my reviews across ALL TIME. I don't say all of this because it's how i believe employees should act, but because I just want to paint a picture for you as to what a dream I am to have on a team because my sense of self-worth has been toxicly linked to what I do/produce and if I can get an A, and if the teacher/boss/lead loves me, since Day 1.

And HEY KIDS, GUESS WHAT??? It hasn't been worth it!!!!!

Thankfully, I do get to take care of myself fairly well in my current organization's culture and I do take time off and I don't have to pull crazy hours. But I also carry and "produce" and take care of way more than anyone else in my side of the org. Way more than anyone SHOULD. It's been admitted to me several times by leadership that I am "the agency's most precious human resource" (even if they don't make me feel that way by how I'm compensated or treated when it comes to this ambiguity.) But carrying this much means I've probably had 2-3 true incidents of burnout w/ my org in the pushing 14 years I've been with them, but I always somehow found a way to recover and get back to happiness or at least contentment.

I'm not sure if that's possible for me now, and it's largely due to the fact that our board doesn't know what they're doing and they are torturing someone who they really really depend on for the agency to stay afloat w/ unnecessary ambiguity. I'm drowning in the ambiguity.

[thebookworm0001]

I'm terribly nosy, so-- 3,5,11, 19 for the ask game? Or whichever you prefer! ❤️

Gonna answer 3&5 for another ask in a second, so hold on tight!

11. Do you believe in the old advice to "kill your darlings?" Are you a ruthless darling assassin?

What happens to the darlings you murder? Do you have a darling graveyard? Do you grieve?

The way that my professors explained this one to me is that sometimes you have lines/sections/etc that you may love, but just don’t work for your piece. So you ditch them. However, you don’t get rid of them. You throw them into a special dead darlings document/folder/notebook and hold onto them. They may live there forever, or you may find that they work perfectly somewhere else.

So, I say less ‘kill your darlings’ and more ‘put them in retirement and they can come out of it if they feel like working again’

I actually combined a lot of my fic wips into one single wip doc, so now I can pull out my darlings and they just hang around. Usually any sadness I feel is replaced once I figure out what actually is working. Then I can try to find a new home for whatever I had to ditch. I’m much more attached to getting the thing right than I am making sure that a single line or phrase sticks around.

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey.

When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who loved to read. Stories were everything to her. Why be in the real world when the pages between covers could offer so much more? One day, the brilliant idea came to her - what if she made her own adventures? She quite liked this one World, where children had been given wings and sought to find a place to live in peace far away from the terrible people who had done so. So why not tell a new story there? So she did! And my goodness, she didn’t stop. She filled up notebook after notebook of stories - using the sandbox other people had made to play with new stories and ideas. Many of them very dark, most of them always working toward a happy end. She even shared some of them with people. Some she knew and some she would never meet. And at some point, she started trying out her own worlds and own people. None of them very original, but what can you expect when you’re first starting out. And she liked that so much she decided to keep doing it, and to pay quite a bit of money to learn how to do it better.

And at this point I’m dropping the fairy tale thing. Tired.

Anyway, went to college for creative writing. Figured out not only do I kinda love poetry, I’m actually quite good at it. Got some of mine published internationally, even. Turns out writing short stories makes my brain hurt but I want to do it more than I want to write the poems. College included some Trauma, some of which I wrote about, some of which I can’t write about still (hello burn injuries) and then I wrote a book. 61k words in one year for a single project - a first for me. And a fucking fantastic way to burn myself out. Like, I do think I actually hurt myself doing that. (Perfectionism and anxiety combined to form procrastination and I’m a slow writer as-is.) Very proud of the project. Still have not read it all the way through (that’s a summer project, actually) because reading my own work is some of the most terrifying shit I have to do and I actively avoid it.

Got a job doing writing and editing things professionally. Then a pandemic happened. And somehow that allowed me to write and publish my first ever bit of erotica. Which continues to be my most popular piece of writing.

I don’t write nearly as much as I used to these days - a combo of that burnout and just not having the time/energy anymore (also that perfectionism that I have been getting slowly better about) - and I’m trying to be kind to myself about it. Writing feels a lot like pulling teeth for me - but the end product makes it worth it. And I don’t think I could ever stop writing. I love stories too much. But I’m at a place where if I want to be able to keep doing it, I can’t push myself the way I once did. And while that is frustrating, it does mean that when i can get my writer brain to turn on, it’s a lot easier to get stuff down. If only because I’ve spent four months working out the details of a scene in my head before writing out a single word.

[philomelas-tongue-says]

okay, longer post as promised. disjointed highlights, etc:

this was my first in-person academic conference; i did this same one last year, but it was all on zoom

i was wildly unprepared for how exhausted i was going to be. but friends: holy shit am i exhausted

drove a rental car for the first time and let me tell you, driving a car made after the year 2005 is a wild ride

my cohort (which is really my cohort and next year's cohort because we're small and mighty) all stayed at cohortmate A.'s parents' apartment, which had its ups (free accommodation; deeply bonding experience) and downs (slept on a couch for three days) but ultimately i cannot complain

my cohort are my friends now; like not friendly colleagues, actual friends <33333

we all killed it at the conference. we presented well, we networked competently, we were extremely stylish. i'm not posting the photo of us because i seek to maintain an approximation of anonymity (for my cohort if not myself!!) so you'll have to take my word for it

my presentation, specifically, went well other than one minor snafu with my handout passage numbering (cohortmate V., who has a whole MA already and has done Many Conferences including the Big National One, said it was not an issue though, and I trust her entirely)

i survived not one but TWO interactions with The Former Grad Student Upon Whom I Still Have a Minor Crush, including a very enthusiastic hug (and deserve a round of applause for it tbh)

have been absolutely bitten by the conference bug; V. and A. convinced me to submit this paper to the Big National Conference for this coming year, which is apparently not gauche since I'd be moving up a "level" (V. thinks I've got a good shot bc apparently they love it when the youth Do Philology) – plus if i got in i could probably also do the play (a performance happens every year at that conference) and that would make me so happy

came home and slept from 5:30-9pm so RIP my sleep schedule <3 but so worth it. full of joy and affection about what i do, today!

[siambre]

Are you safe from the earthquake? Was worried about you. Hope you are well.

hi, thank you for your concern. my family and i are alright. mentally, however, we're devastated. i don't personally know anyone who died, but i have friends who lost their whole families.

entire cities are gone. wiped off the map in 2 minutes. thousands have died, thousands will follow. the news will say 10 thousand, 15 thousand have perished. it's much more than that. so much more.

from the moment i heard about the earthquake, i've been thinking of the thousands of people stuck under the rubble. they're injured, starving, dehydrated, and breathing in dust. we're in the middle of a snow storm. those people are freezing to death. in places where it's raining, they're drowning.

i'm feeling so many emotions i can't name them all. i'm grieving thousands of people i don't know the names of. i keep seeing videos of mothers, fathers, children digging into the rubble with bare hands. their screams are haunting me. i'm terrified of a similar earthquake happening in Istanbul. scientists have been warning for it for decades — and since Istanbul is our financial capital and the most populated city in the country, that earthquake will be our downfall. not only that, but i've experienced some huge earthquakes myself. the thought of going through that, but everything being a million times worse is petrifying. i'm angry, so fucking angry at the government for not taking any precautions against disasters like this. this country is sitting on top of 3 separate fault lines. we experience 6+ magnitude earthquakes on the regular. we should be prepared for this. there's no reasonable answer as to why so many innocent lives have been lost. look at Japan. they've had a 9 magnitude earthquake, and not a single building collapsed. you know why? because they're actually aware that they're vulnerable to earthquakes, so they took appropriate actions against it. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS? WHY DID SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE TO DIE? so many families, dead or torn apart forever. all so that greedy contractors can cut down on costs by using less and worse quality materials, sell the houses for 3-4 times their worth, and pocket all the extra money. the government knows about them. of course it does. they're voting for the govt, that's how they attain their immunity from justice. i'm so fucking sick and tired of the corruption. the government didn't send search and rescue teams to provinces who voted against it. where's your humanity, your conscience? how could you turn a blind eye to the victims? how can you be so heartless? can you not hear the screams for help coming from beneath the mountains of rubble? how can you sleep on your warm bed, knowing you left thousands of innocent souls to die, buried under their homes and snow?

and you know what the worst part about this is? this exact scenario happened before. in 1999, a similar earthquake in a different region of the country killed 40.000. we've learned nothing from it. we still build graves and sell them to unsuspecting families. the govt introduced an earthquake tax after 99, specifically to prepare for these sorts of situations, yet look at us now. we're relying on each other and foreign governments' aids. where did all the collected tax go? especially in the last couple of years, many people no longer have enough money to feed themselves. who did those people make rich this time?

i'm crying as i type this. out of sorrow or anger, i don't know. it's all i've seem to be doing for the past few days. i've donated all of my clothes i don't wear, donated food, will donate blood the moment i can. i can't eat, knowing so many can't. i can't sleep, knowing so many can't get a wink of sleep while waiting helplessly for their families' corpses to be dug out. i feel guilty for having a warm place to stay, to wear clothes that keep me from freezing, for having to continue living my day-to-day life. i feel ashamed for having fleeting moments of happiness.

i don't fucking care anymore. i don't care if the govt will trace this back to me and throw me in jail. my only hope is that the its supporters will finally wake up to reality following this catastrophe. i hope the new govt will learn their lessons and build safer homes.

as for you anon, this probably wasn't the answer you were expecting. i just have so much pent-up frustration, it has to come out somewhere. i can't sit still and say nothing while the president continues to destroy my country. in short: yes, i'm physically well. thank you.

[ficfanatictrf]

Ricky Montgomery - Line Without a Hook

After listening to his other songs (again) and now having extreme brain rot again for this song (...again)

I wanted to post a little something about this song.

When playing this song, I am not thinking of a person that I am 'a wreck without' but my own sense of self, my own heart, my individuality.

Triggers below: Reference to many trigging things. Self-harm, abuse, ect.

The last SERIOUS relationship I was in, was literally 10 years ago. And I gave EVERYTHING of myself to this relationship. - Physical Health (anorexia, compulsive exercise [sometimes I would find myself unable to sleep, so I would do P90X and Insanity work outs to try and wear myself down to get to sleep....after a full day of military work and PT training...], cutting, and burning) - Mental Health (Depression and anxiety skyrocketed, I was pressured into get as close to sex as possible without actually having sex [hand jobs, thigh jobs, make outs in the shower while he rubbed one out, had him go down on me...which hurt and was terrifying for me), suicide attempt, was starting to hallucinate. I broke my morals (he was married and with a 2 year old son....and being the naïve idiot I was at the time, I believed him when he convinced me that because we 'weren't having penetrative sex that it wasn't cheating' - had a whole break down about this afterword) - My military career (I left as soon as I could - even when I had no idea what I wanted to do at the time) - My family (it nearly broke my family relationship with me. It took me YEARS and multiple therapists before I could talk to them about everything that happened when I was away. How it affected me.) - My friendships (I don't talk to anyone, except one person, that knew me before I was 18)

--------

I end this just to say that this song matters a great deal to me.

I don't really give a damn about the way you touch me When we're alone You can hold my hand If no one's home The whole cheating aspect of our relationship. Because in the military you can be dishonorably discharged if they catch you cheating, our relationship was hidden.

Do you like it when I'm away? If I went and hurt my body, baby Would you love me the same? I started, keyword started, self-harming as a desperate attempt to keep his attention. He only really seemed to care when he could be 'the hero'. So I started it when he started pulling away....to then later find out that I couldn't stop for a very long time.

I can feel all my bones coming back And I'm craving motion The fact that I started feeling like I could do things again. Looking back I think it took me nearly 2-3 years to start having a desire to do anything. Mama never really learns how to live by herself It's a curse And it's growing You're a pond and I'm an ocean A feeling I have a lot. Later finding out from a therapist that I am a 'Highly Sensitive Person' as well as a person with ADHD, Misophonia, ect. Constantly it felt like I was feeling an ocean's worth of emotions compared to someone else who was feeling a pond's worth.

Oh, all my emotions Feel like explosions when you are around And I've found a way to kill the sounds, oh Honestly, for years I drowned out all thoughts and feelings about that time. Using anything to keep that time period out of my mind.

Oh, baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you I need you here to stay I broke all my bones that day I found you Crying at the lake Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden? Oh, and if I could take it all back I swear that I would pull you from the tide Spoken directly to my heart. I am a wreck when I give my heart away and I am a wreck when I am without it. And from now on, it will stay with me. And that I apologize to myself for insulting my heart. For calling it too sensitive, a cry baby, ect. That I apologize for calling myself 'weak' for having emotions for years after the relationship.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa I said no (I said no), I said no (I said no) Listen close, it's a no The wind is a-pounding on my back And I found hope in a heart attack Oh at last, it is past Now I've got it, and you can't have it Pretty clear. No, I will not give my heart away anytime soon. No matter how much the wind (society) pressures me to 'find the one', to go out and date.

Darling, when I'm fast asleep I've seen this person watching me Saying, "Is it worth it? Is it worth it? Tell me, is it worth it?" Oh Honestly, something I still wrestle with. Is it worth it going through the dating and break-ups in the hopes of finding love? Guess there is something, and there is nothing There is nothing in between And in my eyes, there is a tiny dancer Watching over me, he's singing "She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a boy" He's singing, "She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a line without a hook" A horrible way to think of it...but it how I sometimes see it. That the relationship broke my line, that now I am just a line without a hook. That because a key part of me broke during that time- I can't 'catch' love anymore.

[cannibalistic-cucumber]

Tbh I thought this was an ask game at first (Probably is, but I've been inspired)

Yes, and that seems to be a rarity around these parts.

Probably one of my parents. Either that or a mutual.

Regret is something that is affordable only to those who can change the past. Despite this, I have had many regrets over my years. However, the past is the past and all I can do is move forward.

Not really. My egotism gets in the way of it too much.

Single and available ;)

On my own terms.

I had a banana and some choccy milk for dessert (nothing better was available today (I don't do cheesecake)).

I am in intramural volleyball 👍

Yes, to my own detriment. I have no idea how to use clippers for my fingernails.

My last one was never.

All of my mutuals :] (As for irl, idk probably)

Nope and I have no idea how anyone would (I don't do caffeine :/ I only do hard drugs)

I would not be able to give you non-mainstream examples, so we'll go with ronald reagan.

Many people. I have carved myself a place in each several places I've been and even Lost a friend. Rest in peace, Jack.

Not on-site. I live on campus, but they live in the apt con mi familia.

A little bummed after remembering the fallen. Need to be more hype if I'm going to be of any use for my vball game.

Never had a person with which to do so.

Not particularly. If it's not a swarm and it's not on me, I'm actually quite nice towards them. My father, on the other hand, has arachnophobia.

No. Do not ever even try to tempt me.

See: Question 17

I need to raise my bed, if I haven't done it by then. Maybe get a haircut. Maybe get a giant skeleton to put in the dorm.

I could not be a father. Nor a mother.

Never had any, never want any.

Love it or hate it, I like math, and it pains me when I can't apply it. Econ has been slowly killing me dead.

See: Question 14.

The banana and milk was not enough to satisfy my sweet cravings. Also craving noisy songs, so send those in.

See: Question 17.

See: Question 17.

I don't think (I hope I haven't) I have made anyone cry.

The United States "justice" system and the existence of American nativism.

Yes, many people do. And I also love many people <3

Big fan of blue

Any trust issues I have are counterracted my my solemn belief that it is the duty of the other person to communicate effectively

Myself, getting stabbed by who knows who

Idk, it's been a while since I've had a cry be triggered

Possibly, but again it's due to my core beliefs. "Never attribute to malice that which can be attributed to stupidity."

Memory is a fickle thing. Forgive.

Quite possibly. Either way, manifesting

See: Question 17.

Maybe as a baby?

Corn. And crawfish. Bisque.

No, but there doesn't have to be one. Sometimes we create our own meaning, sometimes we have to.

Put on my Sleep Rotation playlist.

I do not subscribe to the monogamist mindset. It's not okay when it's a violation of trust.

I'd like to think otherwise, and I actively attempt not to be (Not directly to people, anyway. If it's not worth saying to their face, then it's not that serious.)

See: Question 10.

It might exist, it might not, but I personally believe that love is created and maintained.

Its 69 degrees, and the winds are howling, courtesy of the storm that's incoming. Dark heavy clouds cover the visible horizon, headed your way. You can already see the sheets of rain crashing down from the heavens. The anticipation sends adrenaline shooting down your spine. Lightning strikes, and you count the seconds before the thunder, One... two... thre- And finally you hear it, A little over 2 miles out. Get your siblings and the car inside, and prepare the candles. It's gonna be a long, exciting, restless night.

Snow is fun, but it be cold.

Perhaps, perhaps not. See: Questions 44 and 47

Yes, but it hasn't happened yet :(

Many things :]

No, I'm committed to the bit of being me

See: Question 17

I'd be flattered, but more importantly I'd be upfront about my views and potential aromanticism, but that despite those, I'm more than willing to give things a shot.

Yes, and I am very grateful for them, as I am all my friends.

A friend 👍

I had a moment of sincerity with one of irl friends over Discord.

See: Question 47.

No, because I know I am preferred alive by others.

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

[fruitfulchaos]

just going to rant about polish healthcare here, bear with me.

so, here's the fucking thing. i had my last actual visit at the psychiatrist in MARCH. the next one was in july or even september, not sure. i was working a 9-5 at the time and simply couldn't go - didn't even get a phone consultation, nothing, just meds refilled. my next one is scheduled AT THE END OF NOVEMBER. important info is that two weeks from now will be exactly one year since i was admitted to a psych ward. 😐 now, the doctor calculated the meds wrong and i am missing one pack's worth of meds to even GET ME to the end of november. i have called about it before and they told me that "i will get a call with a date" which, of course, did not happen. i called them today, mad as fuck, because im on my last four pills, and i need to take two per day.

i asked the receptionist about a possible teleconsultation, mentioned that i am already a patient of said doctor. i cannot stress the terror the following put me in:

"in january at the earliest"

IN JANUARY??? I'M SUPPOSED TO WAIT 3 MONTHS FOR A FUCKING PHONE CALL?????????

"You must be joking" I laugh nervously into the phone and raise my hand to my mouth. My friend is sitting in front of me by the table, she's confused. The receptionist mutters some apologies or an explanation - doesn't matter, it's all buzzing in my brain. I plead with her further about how I'm running out of meds which were supposed to last me until the end of November. I mention the extreme doses I'm on.

"I can do Tuesday for the prescription code"

"Tuesday?" I mumbled into the phone, trying to remain formal and polite. "Nothing earlier? For just a code?" A prescription code is four digits long, and my last full visit ran for no longer than 10 minutes. I tie the conversation up somehow, can't remember. I might have a date for Tuesday. I hang up and sit, with my mouth wide open for way too long to be normal, holding eye contact with my bestie who's now trying to silently figure out what happened without upsetting me. I'm, actually, factually, genuinely too stunned to speak. Some wires cross in my brain and somehow, despite the elephant doses of chemicals, tears form in my eyes. I don't cry, but something lifts, and a few of them fall while I'm just frozen like 😦. Withdrawing from 200mg of sertraline over 4 days might kill me. So now, I'm rationing the two pills I have left and try not to vomit my insides out, try to ignore the beaming pain in my skull. Tomorrow after uni I'm going straight to the psych ward unit nearest to me and forcing them to change my medication immediately. Or I Might Die. Fuck NFZ. Fuck private healthcare. Fuck the polish government for cutting funds for psychiatric healthcare. I've been waiting on a therapy date since march. I'm on the list of "patients in dire need", by the way. Had I not been working myself to the bone over the past few months, had I not decided to stay living with my abuser in order to afford finishing my degree, I wouldn't even be able to go for private healthcare, which I need to choose now. I will be eating away at my savings, so it's barely a choice now, anyway. It's not a choice when your other choice is to be metaphorically left bleeding out while waiting for an appointment. This is fucking insane. And they want to cut public funds even more, for the sake of some wanna-be capitalists. Poland is a tax heaven for corporations and it's making me go insane. How come I pay fucking taxes from my social and can't even get a fucking prescription on time, after being admitted?

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

I got a lot done this weekend, but none of it included really resting.

After 2 months the landlord came to check on the hot water heater and we need a new one. He said he was ordering one and it would be in a week but that probably just means it's going to be another two months before he installs it.

A tracher friend howed me a law stating that landlords have only 30 days to do a repair --- less if it is so big that affects the sanitation or the Heat or the coolness of your house.

She said to send him a certified letter and then start counting down how long it took him to actually do the repair. The only thing is number one I don't know his address and number two I'm afraid if I were to do that he would either raise our rent or kick us out.

I mean, I know that's not legal, but our other landlord got away with murder.

Either way we still don't have a washer or dryer working even though my sister spent $1,000 getting us a new set because the water is rigged somehow so that only he knows how to hook stuff up to get it to work. Which sucks.

And we have no hot water either way because of the water heater.

On a good note,

It's a pretty easy week at work because we are testing this week then we have library then we have a monthly thing we do with the counselor where we take our kids and she doesn't know the activity with them.

My 8th hour class is just a wash because of the two kids that' aren't controlled that absolutely ruin everything and keep everybody riled up.

One of the other teachers lives next door to the super violent kid

, and has heard his father tell him if anybody touches you beat the f****** s*** out of them and apparently this includes teachers.

His father is actively killing him to go out and hurt people.

The second week of school a teacher grabbed him by the arm to let her name in a different direction or something and he hit her and of course, like I said, nothing happened to him because of it but now we know he did it because his dad told him to. And again nothing's going to happen.

One of his brothers, whom I taught and who was incredibly smart, has dropped out of school and just stays there at the house all day and does nothing, which really breaks my heart.

So yeah poison people raising poison kids.

We are trying to convince the teacher that lives next door to him to call CPS because she says what goes on in that house you just would not believe.

I had to pony up $50 for another coffee maker with mine bit the Dust yesterday. I got a Keurig but even after I got it out of the box it didn't look nearly as nice as occurring hubby gave me a few years ago. He gave me a Keurig that had to have been at least $150 if not more and it lasted 6 years. Then when it finally quit I got a $30 coffee maker from Walmart which was a Walmart brand and it lasted 3 months. I am hoping the Keurig lasts longer.

I had to do 3 weeks worth of laundry because I kept hoping the washer would work and it didn't. The laundromat was filled with guys none of them would give up their wheels laundry cards for me to use for a minute and a half to wheel my stuff out of the car and they literally watched as I struggled and drugged my baskets one at a time out to my car, dragging them all around while using my cane to keep myself upright.

My cane got caught in the door and they wouldn't even open up the door for me.

I was so angry.

But I got hot coffee and clean clothes and a somewhat easy week at work so all is right with the world for now anyway.

[nathank77]

8/15/24

9:07 a.m

I actually can't think of one thing that was worth living past 2017.

Not one memory. Not one person. Nothing. I have nothing to look back on even before 2017... but the memories that existed before then were generally good.

I mean the best memories i have are virtual memories. The only things that have happened since Massachusetts that were good, was I played all of the silent hill games bc I didn't own them before and I did the 10 star in sh2...

I hate to say it but that is not worth what i have lived through. If the last 7 years are anything to attest to reasons why life isn't full of endless possibilities and why sometimes you should end things when there is some time left/some good things...

The last 7 yesrs proved to me one thing, I really honestly wish I killed myself in 2018. It would have saved me much trauma.

I still believed when Cecile left me that someone out there could fall in love with me and stay. I don't believe that now.

I am sick of trauma. And I'm sick of pretending anything that's happened to me in the last 7 years was worth living through.

There is a reason physician assisted suicide exists. Kill yourself before the terminal illness takes your quality of life.

I should have called ocd terminal bc well it surely feels that way and then I would have never woke up and heard that voice talk every single day since. I would have never learned and faced the horror and truama that not sleeping is. That microsleep is.

I would have died thinking maybe I missed out on something I didn't know was going to happen. But nothing but misery has happened and nothing but more misery will happen.

I'm not stupid. I'm not the kind of guy someone marries. I'm the kind of guy who hits 50 and still has a new gf every 3 years or so bc no one will settle down with him. I'm not the kind of guy who finds happiness.

Maybe my suicide will be enough to have Kristen lose her license, and hopefully my suicide has my channel light on fire. And maybe in my death I can have something I worked for be noticed. Maybe someone can release My mental health videos and they can help others like me.