#<- this one hit me. harder than others bc like. that's smth ik and it's smth i'm trying to work on

[byfulcrums]

i love being that one friend with a very chaotic personality that gives horrible advice on purpose (then gives some actually good advice) and offers to murder people for you but i also. would like to be taken more seriously. in a "please stop using me as just comedy i am a real person and don't find the jokes you make at my expense (is that the word?) funny" way

[daz4i]

being sappy and vulnerable under the cut 🧐

i am not the type of person to be proud of myself often (or. at all) but since i'm getting better lately, esp in the department of hating myself a little less, i gotta give myself props for going against my avoidant instincts with that show. like i've been thinking of quitting it for months before it went up and it really hurt my mental state to the point others also told me that i should quit but! but. i persevered and it absolutely paid off bc it felt so good to go through with. and it's been a month and i haven't had a "mm actually i wasn't THAT great :/" moment i always have whenever i do anything bc this really was an objectively big achievement. everything i've been doing since march-ish is tbh. and so i'm allowing myself to feel pride while simultaneously trusting myself not to let it go to my head like it used to do in the past (since. the main reason i haven't been proud of myself or any achievement i had in years is that i wanted to keep myself in check abt precisely this, so i think it's innate in me by now) and it's leaking into other areas of my life now too, like how i end up liking my writing or thinking i have good ideas, enough that i want to pursue more skills to develop myself further (which tbh i always did but was just too scared to try 😳 honestly still am but. a little less). there are still A Lot of issues that ik are holding me back in many parts of life and my mental health but. it's very clear that i'm getting better

*since a lot of my vents reach that topic and ik others related to those sentiments i do wanna say tho. i am still suicidal, like i'm managing through life as long as i avoid thinking abt certain topics, and i can very easily lose it when i'm hungry or sleep deprived or imbalanced with my hormones n such, so. still i think it's important to say that these thoughts are quieter now. if they were loud and booming and always there before, they're more easily cast aside now, a tad quieter, less overtaking and nebulous, and more of a solid thing i can grab and put away, if that makes sense. so. i think this is an important thing to point out too. since ik a lot of my mutuals and followers struggle with this too and i want them to know that like even if it doesn't go away, it CAN become easier to handle

i still don't quite believe in the 1000 hits approach or w/e it's called ("the rock doesn't break on one hit but thanks to the 999 blows that came before it" or however it goes) nor do i relate to these posts that are like "one day you'll wake up and realize you haven't thought of killing yourself in months/you like your life/you're feeling good" etc lmao i still very much think they're annoying and still have "recovery" and "positivity" blacklisted for that reason 🫡 BUT for me it was this moment when i got to do smth i love, always did love, that i deeply care about and worked hard to achieve, and this is what made the switch in my brain for the better in the most significant way i think. idk if this is how it'll work for everyone but either way the most important advice i can offer is: find people to be with that you like. this was probably the most important part of this, for me. bc they made the hard work a little easier and part of me not avoiding shit for once is bc i didn't wanna let them down or make things harder for them, which is probably a part of why i'm feeling good abt this whole thing too (like. pursuing the thing i want and love was the least selfish option)

but yeah. things are still hard, but easier than before. it's hard for me to be proud of myself or give myself credit but i'm doing it. as if i removed some veil from my eyes that used to block any of my progress and achievements, but i can now see them more clearly (tho. getting constant praise for my work and effort from multiple people absolutely helped me get rid of said veil hehe). also not to sound cringe but my main self ship atm also helped ngl 😭😭😭 but i may get into that in another post in the future lol

if you read this far: thank you. also why. i appreciate it tho mwah <3

[imtheworst-imsorry]

I HAVE UPDATES!!! so my admissions team meeting went well, it was probably a lot more comprehensive than other people who’ve been in treatment before get, but this is my first time in any kind of ed treatment so they went through a lot of info. i’m still processing a lot of it, it takes my brain a while to catch up to important information, so i have a feeling this is all gonna hit me really hard within the next few days, but i do have (at least some) answers now and i feel better about having less uncertainty about some of that. they did stress that some of the details are really going to depend on how i’m doing while i’m here, both mentally and physically, but at least having some idea of how things are gonna go is helpful for me. one of the most important things i was worried about was a diagnosis, and ik some people would probably try to tell me that that’s not as important as the treatment itself, but i’m the kind of person that needs labels and names for my experiences so i feel more stable in my life and the situations i’m in, so it is very important to me. that’s why i pushed SO HARD to get the other mental health diagnoses and neuropsych testing for my autism and adhd. i have now officially been diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, binge/purge subtype, which i’m honestly pretty relieved by, idk why but i was super anxious that i’d get given something that would somehow make me feel more invalidated and make me feel less motivated to work on getting better, but this feels pretty ok, and it is the best description of my experiences (at least it’s what i felt was the most accurate before i even came here so i’m honestly quite relieved that my doctor agrees even though i never told him that’s what i thought i should be diagnosed with). i’m still really struggling with making myself complete my meals and snacks but i am doing it, purely bc i only get to stay off of wc/br and get to have my phone and laptop if i complete, and i need those to feel like i’m not completely isolated, but i know that there are gonna be days that are harder than others. i also have an idea of how long they think i’ll probably be here (4-5ish weeks from now) and i also have a rough goal from my dietician of where she thinks my target weight should be and where they want me to get to before i get discharged, but i’m not gonna specify that here rn bc i’m still processing that stuff and i feel like writing it here will make it hit harder or smth, idk. my parents had some good questions for the team, and they brought me a few more things from home, including some pictures of my dog, and we’re having a family therapy session on tuesday. apparently not a ton happens here on the weekends, and monday is memorial day so it’s basically a weekend schedule, too, which gives me plenty of time to think about all this but hopefully also plenty of time to find distractions so i don’t get too stuck in my own head. i’m gonna spend some time just decompressing from everything tonight, chill out a bit, one of the girls here has been teaching people to make friendship bracelets (she cranks them out so fast it’s super impressive, she came right up to me on my first day and asked what my favorite color was and handed me one, which was super sweet) i did one that ended up being more of a keychain bc the embroidery floss was too short to make a whole bracelet, but for a first attempt it came out really well. i’m still on bathroom observation, which is kinda embarrassing having someone stand there with the door cracked open while i pee but mostly it’s just super inconvenient bc i have to pee SO often bc they’re having me drink so much water and my body only gives me about 1-2 minutes of warning max when i need to go to the bathroom before it becomes an Emergency, so i spend an annoying amount of time hunting down someone to let me into the bathroom and doing the classic preschooler potty dance while i wait for them to come let me pee lol.

i think that’s all i’m gonna update for tonight unless i think of something else, i’m gonna rewatch as much of lotms as i can before they take my tech back for the night at 10