#<- so says the man who's been tempted to make him in my heavily modded skyrim

[panhelleniios]

slowly getting through reading people's rules but hello to people who have found this blog!! I know I keep weird hours but you're free to bother herc at any time, tbh

[aziraphales-library]

Hi guys, you’re life savers for making this blog. COuld i get a couple of recommendations for a couple of fics that just genuinely want to make you laugh if that’s alright? Many thanks for what you’re doing her

Hi. You can check our #humour, #humor, #crack, and #outsider pov tags for more of the kind of fics that make you laugh. Here are some I’ve pulled from my bookmarks that may or may not have been recommended before...

The Importance of Being Earnest by mozbee (G)

“H’lo,” slurs a deep voice. Aziraphale turns to the man leaning heavily on the bar next to him.

“Hello—” Aziraphale pauses, lips twitching. “Oh my, the face paint is a nice touch.”

The man brightens and beams at him, rubbing a long finger across the green stripes on his cheeks. “Think so? S’new.” He leans in, nearly smacking his forehead against Aziraphale’s cheek. “It tastes awful.” - - - That idea where Crowley gets drunk and hits on Aziraphale forgetting they're married--that's what inspired this.

Ghosted by smolalienbee (M)

Crowley, looking to have a casually naughty evening, ends up summoning more than he expected.

(what was only meant to be a crackfic, but ended up taking far too many twists and turns along the way)

didn’t mean to leaf you behind by grimdarkfandango & Ponderosa (T)

“A Dear John letter!” Crowley was telling him, voice slurring. “Can you believe that? The nerve. Six-thoussssand years and that’s how it ends?”

They’d moved to the sofa, Aziraphale’s pot tucked into the crook of Crowley’s arm as he sprawled across it with one leg up over the back cushions. Every so often a bit of good scotch splashed onto Aziraphale’s leaves. Not as enjoyable to drink as a plant, it turned out.

[Another fill for the GO Kink Meme prompt: Aziraphale accidentally turns into a plant and Crowley adopts him.]

A Simple Plan and a Cappucino by mozbee (T)

“The thing is, I don’t really wanna be with a fat old guy.”

Crowley wishes he was the type of person who still read newspapers, so he could be hiding behind one right now. His sunglasses do a piss-poor job of hiding his expression at the best of times, and this is most decidedly not a best of times. - - - When Crowley (and the rest of the cafe) overhears Aziraphale being dumped brutally, he takes it upon himself to track the other man down. Just in the name of solidarity, see. It's not because Crowley's been in love with Aziraphale since the first time he saw him.

That would be ridiculous.

Reluctant Hospitality by brionypoisoned (G)

Anathema Device comes to stay at Aziraphale's book shop after breaking up with Newt. She doesn't know that Aziraphale and Crowley are romantically involved, and Aziraphale attempts to keep it that way. Everything goes very badly.

it had to be you by curtaincall (M)

“What I’m saying,” said Aziraphale, looking fixedly ahead, “and please don’t take this as a personal insult in any way, is that an angel and a demon can’t be friends.” “Why not?” “Because,” said Aziraphale, firmly. “It’s against the order of things. You’re supposed to tempt. I’m supposed to thwart. We can’t go being friends.” * A canon-divergent AU inspired by When Harry Met Sally.

- Mod D

[tigerkirby215]

NEW UA FUCKERS

https://dnd.wizards.com/articles/unearthed-arcana/subclasses_part3

I know I’m a bit late to this but I already had a post queued so this is going before that one.

Anyways we get... an Artificer subclass?! Woah great to see that they’re throwing Artificer into the mix with these UAs now... oh my god. Oh my god it’s Iron Man.

Armorer Artificer

...It’s literally fucking Iron Man. That’s literally all I can say. Power Armor is conceptually AWESOME though I worry that removing the Strength requirement from Platemail is a bit OP. Armor Model essentially lets you choose between melee (Guardian) or ranged (Infiltrator.) The fact that you can use Intelligence to attack (much like Battle Smith) makes this subclass feel like a good alternative to Battle Smith for those who don’t want the dog.

Guardian’s Thunder Gauntlets are kinda meh for damage but the fact that you essentially replicate the Cavalier's Unwavering Mark feature is really cool, and will probably have some interesting synergies with Fighter subclasses. (My immediate thought is mixing this subclass with Battlemaster Fighter to create Mecha Kingdom Sett, though chances are if I make a Sett build I’m not going to give him big brain energy lol.) The Defensive Field ability however gives you some massive self-sustain and makes this as viable if not arguably stronger than a Barbarian. A 20 HP buffer every turn? That’s nuts! (Hm: maybe I should make a Sett build with this?)

Infiltrator’s Lightning Launcher... bro it’s literally fucking Iron Man. That being said it does a lot more damage than the Thunder Gauntlets overall (2d6 vs 1d8) and has the plus side of being ranged. Powered Steps and Second Skin are rather negligible by comparison honestly.

You get an Extra Attack at level 5 which sort of further solidifies that this is the dogless version of Battle Smith.

Level 9 you get Armor Modifications which... what the fuck? You get TWO extra Infusions for yourself?! Are they insane?! There aren’t many Bracer infusions to choose from but you can get some good value for the armor and weapon, and there are several boots that you don’t normally make as Artificer which you may as well make when you have two extra infusions. Even just the ability to get Winged Boots in your extra infusion slot is amazing.

Perfected Armor... ｏｈ　ｏｋａｙ．So you either get a gravity gun (Guardian) or the ability to generate free advantage 24/7. (Infiltrator)

Armorer Artificer is a 10/10. 11/10 honestly. Super flavorful and ridiculously strong; honestly needs some heavy nerfs. The heavy armor should still have a Strength requirement, the weapons don’t need bonus effects, Armor Modifications in general is fucking bonkers, and Perfected Armor for the Infiltrator armor needs to be limited by Intelligence akin to its Guardian counterpart.

After reading this over I’m very tempted to try to make a build for Elliana from Rivals of Aether. It would be a unique opportunity to try to make a Yuan-Ti Pureblood character.

(Artwork by Rivals of Aether)

Artificer Infusions

We also get some more infusions which is cool.

Armor of Magical Strength - Seems to have been designed specifically for the Armorer subclass or at least for specifically the Artificer. (Can be good to give to your Wizard though.) It makes Strength even more redundant than it already is, and Artificer can already make Gauntlets of Strength / Belt of Strength to make Strength redundant as is. The ability to resist being knocked prone is kinda useless and honestly you’re far better off just taking the +1 Armor Infusion and Belt / Gauntlets of Strength instead. 3/10

Armor of Tools - Really cute but feels like something you use specifically for down time. Again feels like it’s based too much around the Artificer and not their team. I really don’t understand the 8 hour limit on the integrated tool. 4/10

Helm of Awareness - Alert on a stick. Pretty balanced honestly since it takes an Attunement slot. 7/10

Mind Sharpener - ...this has no level limit? This also has no use limit (beyond your reaction.) The actual fuck? This is stupidly OP. 10/10 needs nerfs.

Spell-Refueling Ring - This is worded extremely poorly and (like a lot of the other new infusions) seems to have been specifically designed to buff the Artificer. The problem is that (as written) you can literally recover 2 level 5 spell slots, 3 level 4 spell slots, and a level 3 spell slot once per day. This item needs major limitations akin to the Pearl of Power and it also needs to be more useful for classes other than Artificer. I think the number of spell slots restored should be based on the Artificer’s Intelligence mod instead of the number of magic items. 2/10

The only infusion which I consider remotely balanced on this list is the Helm of Awareness. Armor of Tools is cute but it has too many limitations for something that’s already worse than the +1 armor, and all the other infusions seem based too heavily around buffing the Artificer instead of their teammates. All these items have the potential to be balanced (SR Ring and Armor oMS need a lot of work) but as they are currently they’re way too strong.

Circle of the Stars

Already looking at it the subclass certainly seems interesting. Star Map gives your Druid more flavor and also lets you cast two very strong spells for free. (Guiding Bolt in particular is very useful.)

Starry Form is interesting for a Druid that doesn’t want to Wildshape but feels inherently worse than Spores Druid or the other UA Wildfire Druid. Chalice is meh though it’s good for sustain (Life Cleric is better), Archer seems like it’s the best overall, and Dragon seems good for out-of-combat utility as well as keeping Concentration on important spells.

Cosmic Omen is very strong and reliable, and gives you a lot of support utility and Full of Stars should be part of Starry Form’s baseline feature to make it worth turning into a star form over an animal form.

Star Flare really feels like it should be a spell but it would be way too strong as a spell. The ability to instantly reposition allies and also do damage to enemies can’t be understated.

Overall I’d give this class maybe a 7/10? 8/10 because of the flavor which I think is really cool. It has some nice offensive abilities and well as defensive, but some of the features feel too weak. For some reason my immediate thought when I saw this subclass was Hilda Berg from Cuphead but lol I’m not about to make a freaking Cuphead Boss build.

(Artwork by Studio MDHR)

Fey Wanderer

Wizards of the Coast really seems to like their “defender of (x) plane” archetypes, don’t they? We have two defenders from extraplanar threats (Horizon Walker and UA Paladin) and now we have a defender of the Faewild. Bet Davvy Chappy is going to love this subclass.

Cunning Will feels kinda tacted on for the sake of it, and Dreadful Strikes feels inherently worse than Horizon Walker. It has some interesting synergies with multiple attacks but it still doesn’t do much overall. Blessings of the Courts similarly feels underwhelming though I find it interesting that we now have ranged Smites on Ranger. Beguiling Twist has the same issues that the UA Paladin has. Misty Presence is honestly the only feature that feels strong with this class and I struggle to see why you’d put 15 levels into Ranger when you can just put a few levels into Rogue for Expertise in Stealth and the ability to hide as a Bonus Action.

I give this subclass about a 2/10 - it really needs some work. Looking it over I feel like a Vayne build for League of Legends could be possible with this build but I still feel like Rogue + Fighter would be stronger.

(Artwork by Riot Games)

Artificer really stole the show with this UA and the others honestly feel like afterthoughts to me. This might be because Artificer is by far my favorite class in 5e but I really think that the Ranger needs a complete revision, which is a shame because I thought Swarmkeeper was pretty good. The Druid subclass is unique but has its faults and could use some time to be ironed out.

I really do expect the Artificer subclass to be published because the “Iron Man” aesthetic was something that Wizards of the Coast was going for with the Artificer UAs for a long time but could never really perfect. I hope we’ll get a lot more Artificer UA subclasses to supplement the fact that the class is new.

[incorrectkingkillerquotes]

Q and A. . . Finally!!!

@druggeddraccus said: Favorite kkc character?  Favorite kkc storyline?  Favorite book/series that isn't kkc?  What made you all decide to do this blog?  

@halfthealphabet speaking!

Favorite character: Toss up between Denna and Auri. I will protect them at all cost.

Favorite kkc story line: I have a soft spot for the plum bob storyline.

Other favorite book/series: My list of favorite books is here. Happy reading!!

So I started this blog at like one in the morning because I kept comparing Hamilton to Kvothe and created a list of lines in Hamilton that are applicable to KKC. And then I thought, maybe I should make an incorrect quotes blog. Checked to make sure there wasn’t one, threw together a quick format, and posted the quote. I woke up with followers and notes and that’s the beginning!!

@frei-rancken:  well she ^^^ just invited me and i jumped in cause it’s fun. tho i’m rarely active as a mod on this blog which is shitty of me.

@logarithmicpanda: Elodin is my fave, followed closely by Auri (I was delighted when the slow regard of silent things was announced) 

In terms of storyline, I love when Kvothe gets back to the university, after adem. But also the begining of the university arc :D and so many other parts lol. 

I definitely recommend Uprooted by Naomi Novik and The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern, there are probably the best books I’ve read this year.

@halfthealphabet asked if I wanted to do it and I said hell yes. Then I proceeded not to be very active at all as a mod which makes me really sorry.

@kote-the-inn-keeper : My fav is probably... Kote or Devi. Yeah sounds about right! Um, as for joining I was just asked one day, and said sure! While I don’t post too much, I’m glad I was considered and asked <3

Story line wise, I really enjoyed too many of the arcs. Oh man one after another; all of them just so captivating and wonderful! But, I will admit, some were better than others. I really did enjoy Kvothe’s time with the Adem, and the arc where he screwed over Ambrose!

@kvothe-kingkiller : My favorite is Elodin. I love him so much. My favorite storyline is probably anything to do with sympathy or the magic in the books I love how pat actually describes how the *science* behind it works, unlike so many other fantasy series. Other than kkc I dont really know what my favorite series is... I really like anything by tamora pierce and I love game of thrones. Most other things I read are single books. I decided to do this since I loved what was being posted already and had a wealth of cabin pressure quotes that would fit perfectly.

@shineecandy said: wow congrats on your milestone! here’s a question for you: how do you deal with the wait???? it has been years. pat, please, i’m dying   

@halfthealphabet I read a lot and watch a lot of Netflix and check Pat’s blog obsessively. And write meta about it. And read more theories about it.

@frei-rancken: I just wait, and entertain myself with other things. Uni is stressing so i can’t focus on many other things. 

@logarithmicpanda We don’t. We are slowly going mad.

@kote-the-inn-keeper : I answered this in a much more long winded manner, so TL;DR I just want it to be wonderful and perfect so I will wait the best I can.

@kvothe-kingkiller : I watch waaaay too many shows and procrastinate on schoolwork so much that I dont often think about it. I’ve been waiting almost since WMF came out, gotten used to it a bit.

@dirty-n-evil said: Hi, huge fan of the KKC as well (obviously), but for the question I would ask the mods of this blog... what were each of your favorite moments through the books?  Not simply 'Name of the Wind' and 'Wise Man's Fear', but also 'Lightning Tree' and 'Slow Regard of Silent Things'? 

Hey, @halfthealphabet here

So I don’t think I can give just one favorite scene, but I will tell you that I thought The Lightning Tree was not a good addition to the Kingkiller Chronicle and that The Slow Regard of Silent Things is possibly the only flawless piece of writing I have ever read.

@kvothbloodless: Every moment is my favorite, but that being said, the scene in which Kvothe’s parents die never fails to make me cry.

@frei-rancken: It gets kind of difficult but maybe the Eolian’s pipes audition, or mostly when Kvothe tells stories about the Edema Ruh.   

@logarithmicpanda: all the scenes with Elodin crack me up! In the lightning tree, my favorite part was the ending, when you understand what happened. I love every single bit of the slow regard of silent things, but especially when Auri notices the child watching her and makes  a cartwheel. For Notw and Wmf, it’s a bit more complicated. Generally, I love worldbuilding scenes, and whenever a relationship progress in an interesting direction.

@kote-the-inn-keeper : I’m really swept away by all of it. From the characterization and the world building; mostly the building of languages. While there isn’t very MUCH, it’s still there. But, in NOTW I think my fav part was the boys trying to explain Bisexuality without quite having the proper words for it (assuming int he universe sexuality doesn’t quite fit into clear categories for words to be made). In WMF I think my fav part…. oh man this one is hard… but I think my favorite portion of this book was either his interaction with The Maer’s manservant or his time with the Adem and getting his ass handed to him by a small child. Both were very wonderful to me and well written. I can’t say anything about LT, since I have yet to have time to read it, nor more than the first page of SRST due to a lot of life issues and conflicts coming up. But, in retribution for such, I will do a ‘live’ read through of both like I did with NOTW and WMF where I took notes and shared them with you guys.

@kvothe-kingkiller: Honestly, anything to do with elodin. (tiny bit obsessed.) And in slow regard I really love when Auri find the gear and get’s it back to where she lives, (it’s been a while since I read it so I forget some of the names) and I haven’t read lightning tree in ages so while I remember the basic plot I dont really remember any favorite moment.

@freudcallsmedaddy said: What sort of theories do you have about the Cthaeh?

@halfthealphabet speaking. I think that the Ctaeth is more of Bast’s villain than Kvothe’s. So it might come back in other books, but not in Kvothe’s story. He didn’t know what power the Ctaeth even had. It could come into play in Kote's story . . .

@frei-rancken: While i read tons of theories i’m mostly a factual kind of person, so i go with it’s a fae it does not care about shackshit but it’self and its rules, it has a grudge against cinder so it sent kvothe to collide with him, but i’m totally lost on how is it going to happen.

@kvothe-kingkiller: My personal theory is that it’s a bit hyped as far as how much power it actually has. This may be just me being a science geek but the amount of decisions a person can make in the future are infinite. So infinite that even if you could see all of them, you could not possibly choose the course of a person’s life based on one conversation. You might be able to choose a basic-ish path but I honestly dont think its at all as powerful and scary as it’s made out to be.

@kote-the-inn-keeper : cRACKS KNUCKLES MMMMM BOY HOWDY AM I GONNA TRY AND KEEP THIS SHORT! Okay, so there are so many theories out there and I’ve read a few just to collect my own thoughts and ideas from. 

Now, the Cthaeh is a fae and a fae being. We know this because of Bast. It is a prominent and guarded fae due to its ability to tell the future and see the past; making it something VERY valuable and very tempting to try and encounter[NOTE: I am saying it only because we do not know (??) if the Cthaeh has an actual form and or even has a preferred gender really, or is a sentient being instead of a collision of other shit]. As, I believe, Bast said to Kote, it is actually guarded by the fae in the realm so that people don’t go to seek what it has to offer.

This leads to the automatic assumption that people had been seeking it and had been very upset and or disturbed by it’s tales of what was to come. The fae are taught to keep away, knowing that such information is already bad enough to know, let alone ask about. But that probably didn’t stop a few humans...[kVOTHE] or perhaps a few higher beings. Such as the Chandrian? I’m not saying that the Chandrian were able to go to the Cthaeh, but it is a possibility. It would explain some on how they knew where specific people would be and possibly what they would become. 

The Cthaeh also MIGHT not have started off as selfish and enjoyment seeking as we saw with Kvothe, but that also may be just a bit of a stretch. But, say it wasn’t. Say it was just trying to tell people like ‘Oh, hey, yeah in like 5 years your wife is gonna leave you for some hot headed dude who looks like this, so be careful!’ and that spiraled quickly out of control for obvious reasons. One would turn rather sadistic with the power, knowing it would just do more harm than good no matter how it was worded. But, that is just a very small half baked theory on the creature itself! But, going with such a creature or being was always in such a manner sadistic and rude, it would make sense of the fae to HEAVILY guard it. Bast did say people who got too close were killed, right? If I’m remembering that right at all. I remember something like that being said though.

To bring this sadistic being into play with the story for later and Kvothe, I’m going to nod to what was said above slightly; the Cthaeh wanted Cinder and Kvothe to butt heads and probably do SOMETHING to the course of the future. Also bringing back part of my theory of the Cthaeh not always being properly guarded, it may have accidentally sent Cinder on his strange mission and pillage at a more high hostility rate, depending on what was said, so the Cthaeh is sending Kvothe in to stop as much as he can before it’s too late.

TL;DR: Cthaeh fucked up when not guarded by the fae and sent the Chandrian on a brutal rampage to hide themselves and then told Kvothe his specific future to try and get him to steer towards stopping them.

So yeah, that’s what I got in a shorter version... I haven’t read LT, so if there was anything about the creature and Bast in it, I am not aware of it and hopefully will be soon when I get a chance to read

Anonymous said: how do you pronounce "Auri"

@halfthealphabet here I pronounce it like “aura” but with an “ee” sound at the end. Like, “or-ie” (Pat pronounces it like the others, I pronounce it incorrectly).

@kvothbloodless: I always pronounced it are-ee. Pretty much “sorry” without the ‘s’.

@kote-the-inn-keeper : “Ah-ri” OR “Auh-ree” OR “Are-ee”. Well, I guess theya re all the same now that I’m looking at them. Looking up now, I def say it like mod kvothebloodless. 

@kvothe-kingkiller: same as kote-the-inn-keeper and kvothbloodless

@displeasign said: What are you most looking forward to in book 3?         

@halfthealphabet: Closure

@kvothbloodless: Finding out how many of our half-baked theories were right.

@frei-rancken: answers. I really need to know how much of what it is said about kvothe is true and how much is just stories tell by people. 

@logarithmicpanda disaster. I want to know how Kote came to be

@kote-the-inn-keeper : Closure, answers, and an explanation as to why he chose to be an innkeeper to lay low instead of something else... i want my boy to be happy,,,,, le t kOTE BE HAPPY HHHHHHHHHHH

@kvothe-kingkiller: As others said, closure. on so many things I couldnt possibly list them all here. Also more Elodin. He’s really not a big character but he’s honestly my favorite, out of every book ive read and every show/movie ive seen. 

@octarine-ash said: For the q and a: What's your favourite actual kingkiller quote?                               

@halfthealphabet It’s such a quotable book but I use the quote, “You have to be a bit of a liar to tell a story the right way” very often. And I plan to get “Beautiful, seen” on the back of my neck. Also, I love the passage where Fela starts to fall in love with Sim.

@frei-rancken i cannot quote the entire book sadly. but... the kvothe quit grabbing at my boobs passage, the secrets as seen by Teccam, and like a shit ton of other ones.  

@logarithmicpanda the quote about loving something despite its flaws and because of them. It sums up my feelings towards the series actually.

@kote-the-inn-keeper : This one is super hard. There are WAY to many good ones and ones that i find really deep meaning in. And of course, some funny ones. The only one that comes ti mind this very second is a funny one: “You are the horseshit frosting on this horseshit cake.”

@kvothe-kingkiller: I cant find the actual quote through google and I dont really want to re-read both books on the spot to find it but I love when he’s being salty about math and poetry. Saying words for the sake of words and numbers for the sake of numbers are stupid. That quote got me through pre-calculus lol

Anonymous said: How did y'all create this blog? Is it like a side-blog or its own account?            

@halfthealphabet It’s a side blog. And it’s origin story is explained in the first answer :)

@princessmarysea said: This has probably already been asked but...what are your ships in kkc?? I love your blog btw it's really funny :D        

@halfthealphabet speaking: I have to say the only romantic ship I really care about being endgame is Sim and Fela (guys, their ship name should be Selas!!). They really are so sweet and wonderful. I want confirmation that Devi is into girls and guys (which is kind of a ship thing?). And I suppose this is a good time to mention that (although I love Denna), she and Kvothe would only have a disaster of a relationship at the point in their lives. Also, I ship everyone platonically. Especially with Denna because she needs more friends. And Mola and Auri could have such an awesome friendship as well.

@frei-rancken: Yeah mainly Sim and Fela. but if i have to come up with other ships Devi, Mola and Fela being in a happy poly relationship would be like... way too perfect. 

@logarithmicpanda Sim and Fela forever. I’m not a huge shipper though... Like if you throw any cute headcanon at me I’ll start low key shipping it.

@kvothe-kingkiller: Might be because I literally never ship anything, but... none. I mean I like sim and fela but as far as one that don’t already exist, none.

@kote-the-inn-keeper: so maaaaaaaaaany.... So many.... 

So: Kote and Bast, Kvothe and Devi, Kvothe and HAPPINESS, Sim and Fela, Wil and Mola, Wil and Sim (fite me..........), Fela and Mola (more soft/platonic), Devi and Fela, Hespea and Dedan, Tempi and Kvothe, Kote and JOY IN LIFE, Mola and Auri (PLATONIC ONLY!!!!!!!), Auri and PEACE IN LIFE (sobbing my bby let her be happy and safe pat i s2g), Kvothe and Auri (PLATONIC 100%), Kvothe and Denna, Denna and Fela (lOOK IT’D BE SO NICE JUST L I STEN), Denna and Devi (more friends than romance tho), Devi and Mola and Fela, and I think that’s all for now.

@jordantresser What do you think about Cameron Monaghan from Shameless as a young adult Kvothe? 

So @halfthealphabet speaking. I think he looks great and would act great, but also I hope they cast a man of color from Kvothe/Kote.

Hey @frei-rancken here. Well... yes and no. Like i love how he acts in general he is awesome but he looks a tad too devilish for me. Tho i would not be distressed if he were to be cast, it’d be awesome. And yes i concur with halfthealphabet it’d be great if the actor was a person of colour.  

@kote-the-inn-keeper : I didn’t even know who that was, so I looked them up. I’m going to say no, tbh. I just don’t think they fit with my headcanon face for Kvothe OR Kote.... I’d prefer someone who is of rromani origin to play Kvothe tbh; or of color. [EsPECIALLY BAST HAMILTON GUY DONT LET ME DOWN ]

@kvothe-kingkiller Again, it would be great for an actor of color to play him but I kind of think he was written to be at least very pale so that is probably not going to happen. And I think he has the right look, I’d say he would do a good job. (also yes, bast is not white, and neither are the cealdish. whoever casts this show, pls.)