#<- new tag 4 jeffdrowned drabbles LOL

[neerasrealm]

Self care is visiting your own grave

my inability to write actual titles continues short drabble about Ben and Jeff bonding and talking about life, or in Ben’s case, afterlife. Very light jeffben themes but for the most part it’s just guys being dudes.

Word Count: 1504

‘’Where are you taking me?’’ Jeff asked as he followed after Ben. The shorter blonde boy glanced over his shoulder at him, his blue eyes shining brightly despite the shadow his hood cast over his face. 

‘’Somewhere really special.’’ he said. ‘’I can trust you with it, right?’’

Jeff shrugged. ‘’I mean- I think you can,’’ he tilted his head. ‘’Maybe if you told me where we were going I’d-’’ he stopped, backing up to avoid walking into Ben who had abruptly stopped walking. He turned his head to look at the building next to them. Confused, Jeff turned his head and stared in surprise. It was...a flower shop. He frowned.

‘’Wait here.’’ Ben said softly before walking into the store. Jeff squinted as the blonde disappeared inside, then walked over to the shop’s window. He glared in through the glass and watched Ben ever so gently pick up a small bundle of flowers. Ben paid for the flowers, then stepped out. Without a word he began walking down the street again. Jeff followed him. He frowned.

‘’Are you taking me to see some chick?’’ he asked. Ben’s head snapped to look at him.

‘’Ew! No!’’ he looked disgusted. ‘’No, it’s not some girl.’’ he let out a frustrated huff and glared at Jeff.

‘’Geez, no need to be so defensive.’’ Jeff murmured, holding up his hands defensively. ‘’So who’re the flowers for, Romeo?’’

‘’They’re not for anyone.’’ Ben replied. ‘’Just- wait til we get there. It’s easier to explain when you see it.’’

Jeff nodded slowly and went quiet, just walking alongside Ben instead. They eventually reached their apparent destination. A...graveyard. Ben didn’t say a word, just walked in through the iron gates and began walking between the graves. Jeff looked around suspiciously. He looked at Ben.

‘’...did you kill someone?’’

‘’Dude-’’ Ben shot him a look. ‘’Why would I kill somebody?’’ 

‘’I dunno. You felt like it?’’

Ben rolled his eyes. Jeff put his hands in his pockets. Eventually they reached a small, secluded grave near the back of the cemetery. Ben knelt down in front of it and pulled aside a few weeds that had started to spring up from the ground. A small, blue china vase sat in front of the gravestone. A few wilted flowers sat in it. Ben pulled out the wilted flowers and gently placed in his new ones. He sat back on his knees, pulled off his hood and closed his eyes. Jeff hesitated, then knelt down beside him. He looked from Ben to the grave, then back at Ben.

‘’Are uh…’’ he gulped. ‘’Are you like- praying-?’’

‘’Yes.’’ Ben’s eyes didn’t open. ‘’You don’t have to do it. Just gimme a minute, okay?’’

Jeff nodded and looked back at the grave. It looked oddly well cared for. Absently, he wondered if Ben was the one that looked after it, or if it was someone else’s work. He looked at the gravestone, reading the name on it.

‘Benjamin Lawman. Beloved grandson. 2003 - 2015.’

Benjamin...a twelve year old boy. Jeff glanced at Ben. Benjamin- Ben...Ben was fourteen. And this kid had died two years ago, so-

‘’Is this...your grave?’’ Jeff asked, a tone of disbelief in his voice. Ben nodded and finally opened his eyes, looking over at Jeff. ‘’What- what the fuck?’’ he breathed. ‘’Why did you take me to see your own grave?’’

‘’This is where I come to collect my thoughts.’’ He replied, a hint of sadness in his voice. He looked down. ‘’I wanted to show you it because- well, I dunno…’’ his pointed ears drooped slightly as he spoke. ‘’I trust you.’’

Jeff faltered. He frowned. ‘’Oh.’’ he murmured. They were quiet for a few moments, with guilt settling in Jeff’s stomach. He didn’t like guilt. It was an emotion he tried not to feel. ‘’...sorry I freaked out.’’ he finally mumbled. ‘’Just...isn’t it-’’ he squinted. ‘’Freaky?’’

‘’Freaky?’’

‘’Y’know like-’’ Jeff glanced from the gravestone to Ben. ‘’Seeing your own grave, that you died? Doesn’t that just- make you freak out a bit?’’

Ben smirked a bit in amusement. ‘’Nothin’ like a reminder of your own mortality to wake you up in the morning, am I right?’’

‘’PFFFT-’’ Jeff wheezed, laughing loudly in amusement. ‘’Oh fuck that’s- that’s terrible.’’

‘’Not as terrible as being dead!’’ Ben replied, doing jazz hands and grinning. Jeff snickered. Ben’s smile dropped slightly and he glanced back at the gravestone. ‘’I know it’s- weird, and really morbid, but it’s...calming. Like a reminder that I’m- I’m still me. I existed and I’m still Benjamin, just a little different.’’ he spoke softly, his eyes resting on the stone. Jeff’s smile dropped to a more serious expression. Ben looked at him. ‘’You won’t tell Slender about this, right?’’

‘’Slender?’’ Jeff frowned. ‘’Why not?’’

‘’He...wouldn’t really approve of me coming here.’’ Ben pursed his lips. ‘’He wouldn’t forbid me or anything but like- he’d keep a closer eye on me when leaving the house and I just don’t want the hassle, y’know?’’

Jeff nodded. ‘’Yeah, I get that. Strict parents suck.’’ he said. ‘’I’m glad Slender isn’t- too much like that.’’

‘’Yeah.’’ Ben smiled. ‘’He’s great. I just think he’s a bit too overprotective at times, y’know? Tries to keep me away from anything that’d remind me that I’m dead. I get why but...it’s something that I need to accept and come to terms with.’’

Jeff nodded again. ‘’I won’t tell him.’’ he murmured. ‘’Promise.’’

‘’Thanks dude.’’ Ben looked at him and smiled a bit. ‘’I knew I could trust you.’’

Jeff smiled wide. He quickly glanced aside to the gravestone again. ‘’So like-’’ he hesitated. ‘’Can I...ask you about it?’’ 

‘’How I died?’’

‘’I mean- that too but like...just...you. Why it happened and what life was like for you,’’ he looked at Ben. ‘’I wanna know.’’

‘’Go ahead.’’ Ben shrugged passively. ‘’I don’t really talk about it much so- sure. Why not?’’

‘’So…’’ Jeff tilted his head. ‘’You were...twelve.’’

‘’Yep.’’

‘’...jeez…’’

Ben nodded. ‘’Yeah.’’ he murmured. ‘’Pretty fucked, huh?’’

‘’Yeah…’’ Jeff paused. ‘’How’d it happen?’’

Ben sighed. ‘’...my mom pushed me into a lake,’’ he raised his hand and pointed to the grave. ‘’It was in November, see? So it was really cold and- I couldn’t swim so…’’

"Your mom?"

Ben nodded. "Yep," he sighed. "She...never really liked me."

"That's fucked." Jeff breathed, staring at the gravestone again. "My parents tried to kill me too." He mumbled, mostly because he didn't know what else to say. 

"A gun, right?" Ben looked at him. Jeff nodded.  "...think I'd prefer that to drowning." He said with a soft laugh. Jeff chuckled gently, smiling sadly. 

"HAH...it hurts to laugh..."

Ben snickered. "Yeah, yeah it does…" he smiled gently. "But hey- at least we feel good enough to talk about it right?" 

"Yeah." Jeff murmured. It went quiet for a little while. Jeff glanced up, realising the sun was starting to fade. He looked back at the gravestone. "Hey- you died like- two months after I did-" he paused. "I mean- after I...killed my parents." 

"Huh." Ben looked at Jeff, tilting his head. "Does it feel like you died? When you did that…?"

Jeff was quiet for a second. He nodded slightly. "Yeah." He murmured. "It does. Like I'm- not the same person," he looked up at the sky. "I'm not Jeffery Woods I'm...Jeff. The killer.’’

Ben nodded. ‘’I feel that..’’ he moved closer to Jeff. ‘’When I first...woke up, I guess, I didn’t feel like myself. I don’t even look like myself now. Though- I guess neither of us do- but like- I’m a ghost. I don’t experience things the same way a human does…’’ his hand rested on top of Jeff’s. Ben’s skin felt cold to the touch. ‘’It’s always cold...and my hair is always damp,’’ he chuckled gently. ‘’Food tastes a little weird. Like the flavor is muted- or like- a fake version of how it should taste. And whenever I’m around tech? I swear I can hear stuff coming from it. Usually static.’’ he paused, looking over his gravestone. Jeff stayed silent. ‘’When I first woke up like this I was freaked out. I had to adjust, and learn to accept that I wasn’t human anymore. That’s why I like coming here. It reminds me that I’m different but still me.’’

‘’...fuck, dude.’’ Jeff choked out. Ben looked at him and-

‘’Oh shit, are you crying?’’

‘’N-no! I don’t cry!’’ Jeff wiped at his eyes. ‘’It’s your fucking- ghost magic dude.’’ he muttered. Ben laughed gently and squeezed his hand.

‘’Right. Sorry.’’ he said with another soft laugh. He waited patiently until Jeff’s hand relaxed under his. Ben tilted his head at his friend. ‘’It’s getting dark, y’know,’’ he murmured. ‘’I know a good taco van near here. You wanna stop there on the way home?’’

Jeff looked up at him. ‘’Tacos?’’ he asked. Ben nodded. Jeff smiled. ‘’Sounds good, dude.’’