#<- its kind of funny being so neurotic about tags cause i can be genuinely in tears at times and will

[nerves-nebula]

i am not fantasizing about how sad everyone would be if i killed myself. that would be fucked up and i am very normal.

[smollandtoll]

HC: The Beautiful Goalie Problem

First order of business: As this is the first Gabriel Landeskog/Tyson Barrie headcanon we are posting we thought you should all enjoy a PRIMER on why they are amazing. You should go explore their tag on AO3 if you are thirsty for more Tall Bossy Europeans banging Slightly Neurotic Canadians With A Sweet Tooth (do we have a type? We might have a type). Other than that you just need to know that Gabe is a Babe and Tyson is cute as a woodland creature. They flirt a lot.

Second order of business: How familiar are you with Lithuanian and sometimes San Jose Sharks Goalie and professional model Mantas Armalis? Here are some photos:

(PSA because we know literally nothing about Mantas Armalis other than that he is beautiful and unashamed of it, he’s a goalie, and he is Lithuanian - we’ve decided to characterize him as like genuinely sweet and secure in his masculinity but Straight)

Our HC starts like this, Armalis is playing for the Sharks (we don’t think he actually is right now), the Avs have a night out after an East coast game and manage to catch a Sharks game in progress at the bar.

We are jumping straight into a universe in which Tyson has a well-known mancrush on Gabe. It’s not even that different from reality, with the calling him a chiseled viking stallion and all. But this is a legit, slightly despairing crush that Tyson is actually pretty decent at dealing with and only occasionally pops its head up when Gabe’s hair looks particularly good or Avs media makes him write a Valentine’s Day card ffs. But Tyson is a fairly flirty guy, and has little to no filter, especially when he’s flustered so no one really takes him that seriously, especially not Gabe. It’s like the ongoing tradition of both complimenting and chirping Gabe is his trademarked ambiguously gay thing. As a gay dude in hockey that would pretty much have to be your specialty - that or utter awkward silence. But still, flirting is a two way street. We’re looking at you, Valentines writing, smiley-eyes giving, clap-backing GABE. But anyway - Tyson has been (casually, low-key, manageably) hung up on Gabe. UNTIL.

The second Tyson sees Armalis he’s just struck dead, eyes wide, beer forgotten in front of him.

“Sweet baby Jesus, I didn't know men could be that beautiful. Like he's making Gabe look like a cabbage patch kid.” He probably says it way too loud and garners the interest of everyone around them including Gabe who heard his name slandered and leans in to see what’s up.

"Gabe move your giant head, you're blocking the view of that beautiful man." Tyson doesn’t even notice the way everyone is looking at them with surprise and amusement mixed with confusion. It seemed to all of them that Tyson was a one beautiful man kind of man but apparently he could be swayed by even more impressive cheekbones.

No one has ever ‘trumped Gabe’s hotness’ before, and Gabe personally finds it pretty amusing at first, the way that Tyson is drooling openly about this other guy. But as the night wears on he gets kind of tired of hearing about how blue and piercing the goalie’s eyes are, how his lips are just so, so perfect. And he’s literally a model!  And an NHL player! Husband material right there.

It definitely goes on like that for a couple weeks, blooming into full crush territory, Tyson occasionally spouting about that beautiful goalie, how he even looks amazing behind a full face mask. The boys all tease him about about his ‘cali boyfriend’, and then continue teasing as he protest by only making increasingly ludicrous claims about Lithuanian goalie’s hotness and starts to turn redder and redder (as he is wont to do). One part of his embarrassment is because of the guys teasing him, and one part by his own blunderingly obvious crush. It’s like Great Wall of China sized by now, like you know when someone tells you to stop talking about something because you’re being annoying but you’re obsessed and you just physically can’t? That’s what he’s like.

The Boys: SO COLD TYS, YOU'RE SO LOVE EM AND LEAVE EM, JUST THE NEXT BEEFY EUROPEAN HUNK YOU CAN FIND, EH??? (towel snaps)

Meanwhile Gabe kind of sits in the wings and gets further and further wound up about it. He knows he’s irrationally fuming, it wasn’t like Tyson really meant anything about these comments, OR about the comments he’d always said about Gabe, but by now they were routine and comfortable. Also Gabe has definitely rarely encountered better looking men than himself, or at least men that other people would be more attracted to, so he’s really not used to the sensation of being sincerely jealous.

The tension in the locker room is probably palpable, Gabe would try SO HARD to laugh it off, "Haha, yes, we all knew about this giant crush Tyson had on me that I in no way reciprocated and that it has moved on to greener pastures, haha."

BUT HE RECIPROCATED HARD. Oh did he reciprocate. He was just waiting for the timing to be right you know?! With the season and all things were delicate and he didn’t want to screw anything up but they seemed to have been circling each other! They were getting closer and closer to some resolution to all the complicated feelings building between them - and BAM suddenly Tys is pining for this other guy? And he’s a world class hottie who would be lucky to have someone like Tyson being in love with them?????

Tys by now is like campaigning all of his contacts for guys that know him or are on the sharks so he can introduce/endearingly embarrass himself (also he’s a little bit self deprecatingly going for guys way out of his league (in his head) so they're unattainable and he can never have love because he doesn't believe he deserves love - like he knows he’s the funny sidekick type not the leading man type etc. and like it’s just safer to hardcore flirt with guys that would never even look at you than to actually try for something and maybe not get it).

Gabe has moved on from pasting uncomfortable smiles on his face and swallowing his jealousy to pasting uncomfortable smiles on his face and openly moping in heartbroken despair when he thinks no one is looking.

But Nate was looking, because Nate knew, Nate knew.  He has 100% been privy to all the times Gabe like took a too-drunk-off-his-ass-from-a-few-coolers Tys home and tenderly tucked him in and made sure he was comfy and not gonna vom -- ABOVE AND BEYOND CAP DUTIES GABE. Nate knows about your dirty Tyson loving secret.

So Gabe is moping hard as we already stated, and Tys is still frothing over another dude - and secretly he's relieved to have another crush, because the thing with Gabe was getting embarrassing for him, it was growing legs and starting not to be able to be just shrugged off. Other people were starting to notice that he was being a little too genuine with his comments with Gabe.

But it’s been long enough, Gabe is tired of moping and he wants to move on, he wants to find peace but he’s never going to find it without addressing his feelings and directly facing what is happening between them so what he gets all his feelings boiled down to sounds like:

I was reading into our friendship...seeing things that weren't there...like actual affection, and I was just a convenient piece of ass, I guess.

Still feeling hurt and upset about that, but still loving Tys, because he's a genuine dude - but also just trying to reconcile the things he's now hearing Tys blatantly say about this other guy - those things he used to awkwardly stifle when Gabe came into the room in his towel and shower sandals.

Gabe is HURT. Tys is in DENIAL/SELF LOATHING. Nate is so TIRED.

There would then have to be a lot of Nate like meddling/trying to get them to use their words. But, as it goes, anger/resentment would probably mix into the sludge of emotions and trigger Gabe back around to envy, making him posture and be Extra Babe™ and kind of torture Tys. Which, unfortunately, only makes him re-double his focus on Armalis.

But that, in turn probably makes Armalis notice Tys because he is legitimately so cute and also all these tweets about him are so flattering and sweet! And not-gay flirting is what Tys excels at, like he knows most of the dudes he flirts with aren’t gay, and he’s not gonna pressure them, but it’s just for fun and they like it cause he’s such a bro and everyone likes compliments right?

Anyway so Armalis responds - he flirts back! No harm in flirting! He's not actually gay but crushes are real! No reason to be rude! Maybe a photo! Maybe they could hang out!  

So it’s just a chill mild flirty friendship with the added bonus of maybe helping Tyson acclimatise to super hot euro dudes.

(The Sharks social media and the Avs social media have been exchanging eyeball emojis about all this and swapping DMs about trying to figure out how to use this friendship to a publicity advantage)

But then Armalis posts a couple of instagram selfies of them pre-game next time the sharks are in town. Cue Gabe losing his fucking MIND about it. At first he's like “BRB, I'm gonna go jump off the roof of the Pepsi Center.” but then he's like “....you know what? NO. THAT'S MY CHIPMUNK. YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM. I'M GOING TO BEAM ALL OF MY THOUSAND WATT VIKING SUN GOD FURY AT YOU MORTAL.”

But first there’s a lot of venting to long suffering Nate and probably whatever Swedish phone tree exists in the NHL (don’t tell us there’s not a Swedish phone tree, if there’s a Russian knitting circle there’s a Swedish phone tree).

Swedish group chat probably:

Horny: No sympathy, you gotta lock down your man

Karlsson:...haha!! he's so much better looking than you!!

Backstrom: please stop adding me to these things

Lundqvist: 😏🍆

So, probably, after he’s ranted a lot about it, the wind goes out of Gabe’s sails and he wilts hard and thinks he's lost his babe-aliciousness and gets real depressed about it, y’know that thundercloud disassociating in the locker room and feeling sorry for himself.

Tyson definitely notices that, and probably goes to Nate with a, "Woah wait WTF is happening with Gabe?" and Nate manfully resists beating his head into something concrete and replies with "Nice of you to notice you broke his heart there, bud"

Tyson: HOW? I NEVER HAD SAID HEART!

Nate: (withering look)

But also, Tys and Armalis have grown an Actual Friendship™ and Tys probably tells him all about what’s happening with Gabe, and just all about Gabe in general, and how he is like actually probably legitimately in love with him.

And Armalis with all the cliche wisdom of a usual hockey bro: You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, you know.

Tyson: are you quoting Gretzky at me?

Armalis: Go get your man already!

And then Tys has to dig Gabe out of his new den of sadness and candy wrappers and tell him he loves him and wants to tease him forever and have his giant headed babies and stuff. And like, that’s love, because think of the birth canal. Gabe: TYSON-

BONUS:

Tyson: (Dreamy sigh) what do you think lithuanian dirty talk sounds like

Nate: BRUTES.

Tyson: What?! Don't tell me you haven't watched Russian porn Nate, because I'd call you a LIAR.