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onlydreamofmysoul · 4 years ago

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TW // su!c!dal thoughts, s3lf-harm, mental health issues

hey, im not sure if this is weird or makes you uncomfortable (which i dont want, im sorry if thats the case) bc we dont know each other but i have no one that i can talk to so i decided to talk to a stranger on the internet and the way you answer your asks is very calming, you seem like a very nice person.

I've been struggling with my mental health for the past 4 years and things just went downhill from then on. i had a friend that i could talk to and i did talk to her a lot, but a few weeks ago she just blocked me, so I've been kinda alone with this since then. my mum knows something is wrong with me bc i told her a year ago bc i couldn't hold it in much longer, and she promised she'd help me go to a doctor and maybe find help. its been a year and nothing happened and i cant do it alone.

I've s3lf harmed in the past (only that one friend knows that) and I constantly have su!c!dal thoughts. right now its 2 am and im alone and i just dont want to be alive but im also scared and dont want to make my parents go through all that. (my grandma d!ed last december and i know how expensive a funeral is now; i couldn't burden them with that) and i just dont know what to do. im not a danger to myself or others though, i promise. i guess i needed to get this off of my chest? to talk to someone that doesn't know me?

again, im sorry if this bothered you or made you uncomfortable, that was not my intention, but thanks for 'listening'.

Hi there💕

First off, I’m really sorry you’re going through this! It’s definitely not an experience I would wish on anyone.

There’s definitely lots of resources out there for you! I don’t have the link rn but I’ll reblog this post with some, but they can be limited and I really very highly recommend talking to your parents again.

I know you’ve said it to them and nothing was done, but sometimes you have to be more insistant. They might not have grasped the extent of the problem or for all they know, they might think you’re doing a lot better now! I would really recommend going to them again and sorting them down and explaining that you’re in a very difficult place right now and you absolutely need help. I know it’s hard and awkward, these things are never easy but I really think you’ll be all the better for it.

I totally know what you mean about needing to talk to someone you don’t know which is why I also hope you’ll try get some professional help if you’re able. You’re absolute not a burden but I think you know that you need a little help. We all need help with things sometimes! And that’s okay!

I’m not sure how eloquent this is, my brain is spacing out a little but I hope it helps even just a little?

Sending lots and lots of love 💕💕💕

#tw suicude #tw suicide mentions #tw self harm

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ateezgf · 4 years ago

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i need advice and motivation on how to overcome highschool :((

oooh this is a bit hard to answer because high school now isn’t quite the same as how it was when i was in it for obvious reasons. BUT !! i’ll do my best to help you!

i have a feeling that things may feel super.. tedious and overwhelming right now, no? especially since most high school students haven’t done an online class before. i had a couple online classes (because i failed apush & had to make it up so that i can graduate on time plus another random class just to boost my gpa mwah) in high school & it honestly is pretty rough! i know that this doesn’t sound very motivating, but i’m sort of trying to be like “hey, it’s gonna be a struggle but i’ve been there (hell, tbh im STILL there with college) and if i can make it, im sure you can too”.

online learning takes a lot of self-discipline. i know every household is very different and perhaps you don’t have the luxury space and privacy that so many study channels and other advice things rave about. that happens. i’ll finally start settling into my study mindset when suddenly my mom calls me over to her room & it throws me off my groove! i’ve taken a lot of online classes so far (even before it was forced upon me) and i’m still struggling with self-discipline and working on procrastination. the best advice that i can offer is trying to get yourself into a routine that best suits YOU. not something you feel pressured to stick to because a lot of people who post about their own study habits do it (eg. waking up super early [ofc if u have to then u have to but if u dont then well], studying ALL day, etc). it may take some time to find your specific groove that works for you & it might require some communication with family. just because you don’t develop a top-notch routine right away doesn’t make you a failure or any negative connotation. ESPECIALLY since this is (im assuming) your first time with remote learning.

it’s a really weird transition, especially if you’re body/mind is also already used to relaxing when you’re home. it takes time to break the association and have your mind recognize that home is a place to work now & it isn’t just for leisure or little tasks like homework. which is why you should have one designated spot to study/get work done at that isn’t a bed or couch or just anywhere you tend to sleep or relax on. this is something i learned in my psych classes, so!! like i said, you have to get your body used to the fact that school is happening at home now. it’s not an overnight thing for everyone. you want to do your best to avoid getting work done in bed if you can because your mind & body will register that as “oh? seems like it’s time for bed/time to relax” and start falling asleep or something. OR! your body will start to recognize that space as a place of work instead of relaxation & when it’s time to actually sleep, it’ll be harder to do so because of the association. if you have a desk or table or just any space you can sit up in and work, that’ll be my biggest recommendation~

hmm.. i also know that not every house allows peace and quiet either. i was fortunate enough to take advantage of apple’s student discount and got some airpod pros. BUT this doesn’t mean you need expensive, noise-cancelling earphones. if you like listening to music while you work, put your preferred pair of earbuds/headphones on to block out as much outside noise as possible! i don’t recommend blasting your music (dont wanna hurt ur ears now), but just enough where the background noise of your house or outside isn’t too much of a distraction should be fine~ also so you can still hear your parents if they’re calling you if they’re like that. [but also if you’re able to set boundaries and be like “i need [timeframe] to do my school work so please try not to bother me” then !!!! yes]. if you don’t like listening to music/can’t because it’s a distraction, perhaps try to find earplugs or maybe try instrumentals if the distraction is with listening to your favorite songs? like those foam ones that people at concerts wear and stuff, yknow? i can’t really study in complete silence so i can’t vouch too much about this one.

going back to finding a routine best suited for you, i wooould say that you should work during the day so that you can relax at night.... BUT!!!!! if you’re more of a night owl & your house is more quiet at night, definitely use that time to study/get some homework done. i’m assuming if this is anything like my younger brother’s online schooling, you’re attending zoom lectures during normal operating hours and then you’re essentially free the rest of the day. now, you could use that time to get your work done if that works for you. OR you can use that time to relax and do the other things you want to do (play games, work out, take a nap, i dunno) and then get your work done at night since you’re awake then anyway.

BUT LIKE I SAID, FIND WHAT WORKS BEST FOR YOU!! i know things are really weird and hard right now, i get it. hopefully, you have a nice group of friends who are still making this social distancing time as enjoyable as possible & i hope you’re reaching your own mini successes. i wish i can give you more advice and motivation, but again i’m not really sure how to help you when it comes to getting through high school during these times ): .... but i am here to help cheer you on if you ever need the boost!!! if you want to celebrate your successes with me, i am more than HAPPY to hype you and your brain up. if you need a space to talk about something that went wrong academically, i’m here to help you feel better cause i have definitely been in that position before. also i may suck at math but im pretty good at english :D so papers and all that jazz? i can maybe try helping~

you got this! i believe in you (:

#eeee i really hope this helps #i got on my computer to better type this out aaaaaa #anonymous #answered

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brodaveisbad · 4 years ago

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there’s gonna be obvious spoilers for the series also trigger warning for rape/rape attempts/mention, cisnormativity and all that shit. I’ll say when it’s coming up. — now bad yaoi anatomy aside, let’s review this masterpiece that isn’t really a masterpiece as you can see this is some yaoi anime called LOVE STAGE!! clearly, since it’s right up there in big pink letters. goddamn that’s bright i watched this a few years ago because some person i knew recommended it to me and swore that it was the best thing ever and even though i didnt really care for it i thought hey, why not give it a shot now let’s just start off saying that this anime is total bullshit so the main guy is the blonde twink here in the glasses. (is it just me or does it look like his glasses are fogged up and he needs to clean that shit) izumi, or whatever his name is. I don’t know. anyway he lives with his family which consists of well-known celebrities in their big ass house. his parents are actors and they constantly belittle him and push him away from his dreams because they’re pricks he’s an ‘otaku’ aka huge anime nerd, and his art sucks and he’s sweet and weird but pure so come on man don’t fuckin crush his dreams jfc. parents, man he also has a waifu named lala-lulu (what the hell kind of name is that) and has a body pillow of her the other guy here is a famous actor or something, I forgot his name. who the hell cares though his new name is douchey mcasshole because thats accurate and I’ll get to why later (and goddamn check out that seme yaoi face a++) –S P O I L E R– anyway they met when the twinks parents were doing a wedding commercial a long time ago when they were kids. mini douchey mcasshole was supposed to be the one who caught the flowers with some little girl but something happened and that girl couldn’t be there so they were like hey your kid looks like a girl (ugh) so he can fill her place so he did and he was nervous and kept fuckin up so mini douche who wasn’t much of a douche back then gave him a marble for good luck and they got through it they parted their ways and never saw each other again until the company that made said commercial decided they want them back to make a 10 year anniversary reprise or some shit the thing is though, after that commercial mr douche got a crush on izumi but only because he thought he was really a girl and he still fucking had it after all those years, and because he didn’t know and izumi was dressed up as a girl in the first commercial he had to do it again and he didn’t want to but his goddamn parents decided to force him into it like the pricks they still are also while the douche held onto the memory, izumi wiped it from his memory because the majority of it was a terrible experience for him AND he isn’t great at acting anyway so thats great so blah blah blah they get it over with and all that douchey mcasshole still thinks the twink a girl and is actually really nice until okay first let’s introduce this guy this is the twinks older brother who’s in a boy band or some shit and I don’t like him much because of what he did here but there’s something he’s pretty cool for that’s gonna come up some time after this (also he gave him the lala-lulu body pillow as a reward for getting through that commercial. what a good bro) anyway back to what I was saying –TW FOR CISNORMATIVITY/TRANSPHOBIA TOO MAYBE– (he isnt trans but still im just being safe here because of the dudes reaction is pretty…. yikes) basically after douchey mcasshole gives him a sweet, heartfelt love confession, izumis brother comes out and proves to him that he’s a guy by proving that he’s got a dick (ehhhhhh) and so douchey mcasshole gets pissed and hates him now for “"tricking”“ him and wasting his time or some bs like that (like i said, yikes) luckily it doesn’t bother izumi that much, but hes still disappointed that he isn’t the nice boy he met 10 years ago then some time later the douchebag realizes that he actually still likes him even though now he knows he’s a dude, so he comes over to get rid of those feelings by burning the fact that he’s a guy into his head so heres when things go to shit –TW FOR ATTEMPTED RAPE/RAPE MENT.– this fucker ends up chasing him around and makes him strip and those feelings don’t go away and instead take over, so tries to force himself on him which is not okay and why I fucking hate him so much luckily though izumis brother comes in and saves the day, thank god so hes stopped before he can really do anything and leaves out of sheer terror and izumis big bro hates him now and they both lost whatever trust they had for him Izumi locks himself in his room for a while but eventually leaves for school. there he sees the guy at the front entrance or something, the guy notices him and goes to talk to him. flashback time. twink is fucking terrified and RUNS. douchey mcasshole chases him, and izumi thinks hes gonna try that shit he did again. so he kind of escapes, but then some fucking. weird sumo wrestling dudes with animal heads are blocking the way and he can’t get trough (what the fuck) and yaoi douche catches up to him, then they spin away (I’m done) much to izumis surprise, he isn’t gonna try anything. he bows down on the ground and apologizes, promising not to do it again. so of course all of his trauma is dropped, he is magically not afraid anymore and forgives him. after this douchey is somehow less of an asshole and acts like a happy cutesy gay guy, and they even go on a date he even helps him out later with his entry for a manga contest thing. and Izumi, the twink, happened to promise his familys manager dude(whatever he is) or his parents or whatever that if he lost he would start his career as a star so of course since his art sucks ass he didn’t make it. poor guy. (im not gonna lie though. this shit looks worse than the bad anime art i made when i was 11. no fucking wonder he lost) so since im lazy as hell and I don’t feel like explaining the rest of the 10 episodes as a whole, im not gonna do that. skip skip so now he’s finally following his parents footsteps, everyone’s making a big deal about it and he gains popularity pretty fast. as everything’s going on he debates whether or not he has feelings for guys, douchey mcasshole specifically one day he accepts those feelings on that one day he has to hide from something and ends up in an area with this group of creeps. these creeps saw him on tv before or something, and don’t really believe that he’s a dude so they want to make sure. –TW FOR RAPE ATTEMPT AND CISNORMATIVITY, AGAIN– these guys hold him down, lift up his shirt and see his flat chest and are like aw man, hes really a dude. but then because he still looks cute to them or some shit they try pulling the same shit douchey mcasshole did so just as it’s about to happen again izumi realizes that he only wants douchey mcasshole, so he puts a stop to this and kicks some ass you go, man. (aw, our little twinkie is growing up) so he escapes, later runs into one of his nerd friends. they were supposed to hang out with some other guys but that didn’t go well since he was chased by fans earlier. and they talk about mr seme and it makes him think of his feelings more or something so he runs off to his house there he knocks on the door, tackles him, kisses him and says he wants to fuck so they fuck and that’s it, that’s the end. they fuck. douchey mcasshole finally gets the ass hes been craving and glasses twink gets the dick. the end, y'all. so what do i think is bs about this? the love interest dude is an asshole obviously, even though he acts like a fucking dork a lot of the time. because of his reaction when he found out izumi was a guy, the fact that he tried to rape him (twice, i didnt mention the second time because fuck that tbh) izumi left behind all of his fear and got over his trauma from what happened immediately which isnt even a thing that happens realistically he also ended up loving his almost-rapist and only truly accepting it when he was about to get gangbanged. and its kind of ridiculous how many times that shit almost happened to him. like, fucking hell, leave this guy alone. he ended up letting go of his dreams like his parents wanted just like that (practice makes perfect, my dude. keep drawing) there are some good things though, the art style is fine aside from the yaoi anatomy and the colors are alright. douchey mcasshole isnt really much of a douche a lot of the time and he does really care for izumi and there were some laughable parts, ive got to admit but jfc those sumo wrestling things, what the hell were they doing there? could they really have been more lazy so anyway i still think its bullshit

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badrpstories · 7 years ago

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Phantom Unread Messages

This has been worrying me. I have to get it out. I don’t know what else to do.

If you’ve ever used IM on the mobile app you might have seen the new message indicator pop up at the bottom of the app window. This is not the new notification thing that can be for activity or messages of any kind. This shows up only within the “chat window” when you have an IM/chat already open on the mobile app. I’ve seen it occasionally when wifi and/or cell service is weak, or if the other person replied while I was typing. It’s a blue bar that spans the bottom of the chat window with white text that says “# unread messages” and a little down pointing arrow. Normally, I can tap that and it jumps to/loads the unread message/s.

Well, it’s been a very long time since I last saw anything from a partner that I liked very, very much. We were communicating regularly and then they just…stopped. I messaged them several times but eventually came to the conclusion that they were ignoring me and no longer wished to interact. Which hurt terribly, especially since I didn’t know what I’d done to cause that and everything seemed swell last time we chatted.

What’s making it worse is that I’ve been seeing this “unread messages” thing pop up sometimes, if I happen to open the chat thread. Now and then, I’ve gone and opened it up (usually to torture myself by trying to figure out where I went wrong) and sometimes it’s there, sometimes not. If I tap, nothing happens, if I scroll I see no new messages but the notification will disappear. I’ve checked from desktop and I don’t see anything there. At first I assumed it was a weird fluke. What worries me, a lot, is that I now remember it first happened shortly after the last time I heard from them.

Around a week after we last chatted, I went to message them and that thing immediately popped up but I couldn’t see anything new from them. I am certain only because I actually messaged them at the time to tell them I was seeing this and might have missed something; I was in a remote location with extremely bad wifi and cell service and I assumed it would resolve itself once I got back to better reception. I never did hear from them again (despite messaging several times) but this “thing” has randomly appeared—I’m not sure—maybe 3 or 4 times now? The number of ‘phantom’ unread messages changes every time. It’s most recent appearance was just at the beginning of this month. That was when it really gave me pause. It makes no sense at all. I have no one on my block list, my settings allow anyone to send anything. So now I’ve been trying to get answers from tumblr support, but that appears to be going nowhere…

This has to be just some crazy glitch—right? tumblr couldn’t get THAT messed up—right?

It haunts me though.

Here I’d given up, assumed they had dropped & ignored me (and I was so upset I kinda hated them a little). On the one hand, I think that’s (unfortunately) the more ‘normal’ scenario and I can’t stand feeling like I’m bothering anyone so I’m afraid to make further attempts to reach them. On the other hand, the very thought that they might have actually tried to contact me and thought I was ignoring them is what truly breaks my heart. Because I would never, ever, do something like that, especially not to them. Maybe they couldn’t even see my messages. I just don’t fucking know.

Anyway, if you ever have to take a mobile device or laptop to a location with bad internet/wifi/cell service, I strongly recommend that you totally log off tumblr across all those devices and stay off it while you’re there. Who the hell knows? And if you think you’re being inexplicably ignored by someone for no good reason, well, maybe there is a possibility that they’re really not ignoring you at all. :(

#rp #submission

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minthalo · 7 years ago

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All of the fanfiction asks!

oh boy okay here we go

1. What was your first fic and could you stand to reread it today?

my first fic was “Do you want to build a Sand Castle With Me?” and I can reread it only because i rewrote it a few months ago and posted over the original

2. What’s your most recent fic and how far do you think you’ve come?

my most recent fic is “Cobrababy Nate” and I think i’ve improved a lot since the first fics i’ve written... at least i hope i have

3. In your opinion, what’s your best fic?

my favorite fic has to be “Meet me by the lake”

4. In your opinion and without looking at any numbers, what’s your most popular fic?

Probably my first fic “Do you want to build a sand castle with me?”

5. Is there any fic that makes you super happy to reread and remember you wrote that?

Yes!!! my favorite one is “You have a nice voice”

6. Is there any fic that makes you super embarrassed to reread and remember you wrote that?

Y e s and it’s “Ooh Santa Travie”

7. What’s the fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)?

I have this one Joncer au that i’ve never posted and I’m in Love With but i can’t find the motivation to write anything lately so it’s just sitting in my google drive unfinished staring at me until i complete it

8. What’s the oldest (longest since last update) fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)?

hmmm I have this one Brencer au that i never posted that i haven’t touched in Forever so probably that one, i really want to finish it

9. Have you ever written for a fandom without watching/reading/playing the source material?

no but i’ve thought about it

10. Have you ever written for a fandom without reading other fanfic for it?

no i usually read a bunch of fics before writing my own

11. Have you ever written a fic for a concept you know someone else has done before? How did it impact your writing process or feelings after posting?

Yeah, i used to take prompts off those big posts full of them, and I know there are a million more popular fics with the same idea. I usually try to let it not bother me too much

12. Have you ever written a fic and decided never to publish it? Why?

Yes, i wasn’t comfortable with people reading that side of my writing. Maybe one day it’ll change

13. What’s the biggest change between your style when you started in fandom and today?

I use proper grammar

14. What’s the biggest change in your taste between when you started in fandom and today?

I look for more short and sweet fics rather than long ones like i used to

15. Have you ever purposefully written one fandom/fic idea over another because you knew it’d be more popular?

Yup, i would write frerard fics because i knew it would get a lot of attention even though i wasnt really into that ship

16. Have you ever stopped writing a fic/for a fandom because it wasn’t receiving enough attention?

yup. I love rywalk but no one reads it so i stopped writing for that pairing

17. In your opinion, what’s your most overrated fic?

“Hot Shirtless Plant Guy” its like the second fic i ever wrote and its not very good. I went back and rewrote it because it was so bad

18. What’s your most underrated fic?

literally any of my rywalk fics. they deserve better

19. If you had to pick one fic/scene/chapter of your work to describe your entire portfolio to a stranger, which would you pick?

Shit i dont know, maybe the scene in “Do you want to build a sand castle with me” where Pete wakes Mikey up and they walk around their neighborhood in the middle of the night. I like that scene

20. Have/Would you ever rewrite a fic? If yes, would you take the original down?

Yes i have. I posted over most of my old fics with revised versions of them because the originals were so bad. I didn’t change much, just fixed the Many spelling and grammar errors

21. If someone starts kudosing and commenting your fics in a spree and has a few works of their own, would you go look through theirs?

Yes!! if they have an account i always go on it to see their fics and if it is in a fandom i like i’ll try to read them

22. Has there ever been anyone who’s made you freak out because they read your work and followed/favorited/reviewed?

Y E S theres this one fic “Fragile Capricorn” and the author left kudos on my santa travie fic and i freaked out but also cried because thats the worst fic i’ve ever written but thats the one fic they read

23. What’s the nicest review you’ve ever gotten?

literally all my reviews are nice it makes me cry but my favorite was one on “Phone Call” and it was “ THIS. this is the fic that got me into joetrick a while ago. thank u for showing me the light.” it makes me so happy i can convert people to ships i like

24. What’s the meanest review you’ve ever gotten? Do you think the reviewer intended it?

I’ve never gotten a mean review on my fics but i have gotten people sending me anon hate here for them, and yeah i do think that person meant for it to be insulting.

25. What constructive criticism, however well-meaning, always makes you feel bad when you see it in a review?

“Please update faster!!” I know they mean well but writing is hard

26. What aspect of your writing do you most enjoy to see praised?

that I write well at all because I have a million doubts in my head that my fics are shit

27. If you could only ever write crossovers or single-fandom fics ever again, which would you pick?

single fandom fics

28. if you could only ever write for a single crossover or a single fandom again, which would you pick?

probably bandom

29. Does the division of your writing across fandoms line up with your reading? What’s the biggest discrepancy?

I like to think so but alot of these fics are amazing and Im just like,, basic

30. Do you continue to write for a fandom after you’ve moved on or do you focus solely on the new one?

I jump between fandoms for a while before stopping and moving on, its usually a slow change

31. Who’s the one character you’ve just never managed to get perfectly right?

Mikey way tbh

32. Who’s the one character who shines without you even trying?

literally none of them theyre all so hard to write

33. Is there any particular character whose scenes always wind up being longer/more frequent than you expected? Does the quality hold up?

not really

34. Was there any fic that you wrote that really surprised you in the fandom reaction? Was it just by the numbers or did they take it an entirely different way?

Yes my first Joetrick fic is one of my most popular fics and I didn’t expect that at all, I never realized how popular that ship is

35. Have you ever written a ship into a fic without meaning to?

surprisingly no, all my ships are planned out

36. Have you ever sincerely written a ship you do not support into a fic?

Yes. I hate ryden and i put it in my first fic for the sole purpose to break them up in a horrible way

37. Have you ever purposefully bashed a character/ship in a fic?

Yes. I hate ryden and i put them in “Do you want to build a sand castle with me?” only to break them up

38. Have you ever purposefully written something you know your readers would find uncomfortable/would not enjoy? If yes, why?

yes. I write in sad things because i know itll make readers sad

39. Do you consider yourself to have a readership?

My ao3 stats say I have 16 people subscribed to my account but i have a hard time believing that many people like my fics that much

40. Do you feel like you put out enough content?

No. I have major writers block (and also depression) so i never have motivation to write fics even though i really want to, i never feel like i put out enough fics

41. If you cross-post your fics on multiple sites, do you have a favorite? Are there certain fics you would only post on certain site?

I dont cross post but my favorite site is ao3

42. How many views has your most popular fic gotten?

most popular fic is “Do you want to build a sand castle with me?” and it has 1,922 hits on ao3

43. Your least popular?

Least popular fic is “What could have been” and it has 56 hits on ao3

44. Do you follow/favorite/kudos/comment/review more stories than you have received?

I think so. I kudos every fic i read

45. If you had to call yourself an author of a single genre (besides fanfic) what label would you give yourself?

romance definitely

46. Do you consider yourself a diverse author?

Not really i write pretty basic stuff

47. If someone you know in real life who isn’t involved in fandoms asked to read your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you recommend they read first?

depends who they are but mostly yes, I would probably give them either “meet me by the lake” or “Do you want to build a sand castle with me?”

48. Does anyone you know from outside of fandom know you write fanfic? Are they involved in the same fandom too?

Yes all my friends know I write fanfiction. It’s not really something I’m ashamed of, and they usually think its less weird after I tell them I dont write porn

49. Has anyone in your life ever read your fanfic just because you wrote it?

Yes!! My friend Veronica reads all my fics because I wrote them!! she barley even know the fandoms I write for

50. Has writing fanfic had a significant impact on your life? Would you say it’s entirely positive?

Yes it has had a big impact on my life, and I say its mostly positive. I’ve met some of my best friends because of writing fanfiction and that means the world to me

You can find all of my fics on ao3 Here!!

#asks #ask #anon #anonymous #thank u for asking!! i loved this so much #Anonymous

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jae-bummer · 8 years ago

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My Idol: Part Seven

My Idol From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

My Idol is a South Korean competitive reality dating game show. It currently airs on Wednesday nights on Jae-bummer’s blog. First broadcast in 2016, the show offers the opportunity for a lucky fan to go on seven blind dates with seven idols. The idol plans the date with the show throwing in specific missions to complete during the day. At the end of the initial dates, the show opens up an audience vote to decide what three idols will move on to the second date.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 12 - Part 13 - Part 14 - Part 15 - Part 16 - Part 17 - Part 18 - Part 19 - Part 20 - Part 21 - Part 22

You shifted on your couch again, furrowing your brows as you attempted to focus on the television screen. The cushions you were lounging on had suddenly felt scratchy, uncharacteristically stiff as you attempted to get comfortable. You realized it was useless at this point. The only thing occupying your thoughts was My Idol, and more specifically, the men you had met through it’s dating process. You were terrible at trying to entertain your thoughts and find any sort of solace as your mind kept wandering back to them...

Im Jaebum, the surprisingly soft and sexy leader. As if rewinding an old movie, you thought of the moment when his lips had touched yours, swift and accidental. You recalled the exact shade of blush that consumed his whole face as he looked up from the ice, just as surprised at his action as you were.

You shook your head, your mind immediately launching to the cheerful Kim Taehyung, who was already planning your second date during your first. You smiled as you thought of his large hand incasing yours, so focused on protecting you and making sure you were comfortable at all times.

And last your mind wandered to Jay. What a rollercoaster of emotions his date had been. You closed your eyes so tightly that you began to see stars, unsure if you wanted to recall the dates conclusion. He had kissed you, gently and deliberately, making sure he left an impression on you.

And the viewers.

You bit your lip, opening your eyes. You knew he had kissed you for the fan votes...but ultimately, didn’t that mean he had kissed you because he wanted to see you again?

Sighing, you looked at the time displayed on your phone screen. You would be meeting this week’s idol at a coffee shop about a block away. It was an after dinner date that would go into the night, the first of it’s kind during your stint on the show. Almost as if on cue, a heavy knock landed on your door, signaling the arrival of the camera crew.

Three down. Four more to go. You could do this.

“Hey guys,” you sighed, looking at Armpit and Sweaty respectively. They nodded to you, stepping backwards as you exited your apartment and locked it up. “Nice night for a walk isn’t it?”

“I’m not big on walking,” Sweaty grunted, following behind you as you shuffled down the hallway and out onto the sidewalk.

“Good thing you have a job that requires a ton of it then,” you muttered, digging your hands deep into your pockets. “Do I get any hints on who my date is tonight?”

“Yeah, it’s an idol,” Sweaty spat, chuckling at himself. He elbowed Armpit to join along in the laughter, but Armpit simply rolled his eyes.

“Wow, you should probably quit your job immediately and become a stand up comedian,” you hissed, looking over your shoulder to glare at him. “You have an unexplored talent there.”

Sweaty began to grumble to himself beneath his breath, barely able to keep up with your quick steps. You were anxious to see who you would be meeting tonight, but it was also incredibly cold outside. You continued your trek in silence, only speaking when you began to approach the destination.

“Alright, hold on,” Armpit heaved, attempting to catch his breath. “Let us set up a little bit before you go in.”

“Can’t you set up inside?” you whispered, your breath appearing in the air before you. “I can’t very well go on a date if I’m frostbitten.”

“Quit being dramatic,” Sweaty argued. “It’ll only be a few minutes.”

You rolled your eyes as you stopped in front of the coffeeshop and looked up. “Momo Coffee” the sign read in bright letters. You furrowed your brows, searching your brain for the familiarity of the shop name.

“Momo coffee...momo coffee...” you whispered, chewing on your lip. “Oh! Monsta X!” You spun on your heel, facing the cameramen. “Is it a member of Monsta X?”

The two men looked wearily at each other as they fiddled with different pieces of equipment. “Why would it be Monsta X?” Armpit finally muttered, not bothering to look up.

“Wonho’s mom owns this shop!” you nodded happily, proud of the fact you had unearthed from the deepest recesses of your brain.

“Could be a coincidence,” Sweaty mumbled. “If it’s owned by an idol’s mom, wouldn’t other idols know about it?”

“Well...yeah, but-” you began, but the wind was quickly taken out of your sails. “You guys suck.”

“Yeah well, we think fondly upon you as well,” Armpit sighed, shouldering his camera and jutting his chin out in the direction of the coffee shop. “You can go in now.”

The smell of the coffee shop surrounded your senses, filling you with warmth before you were even out of the cold. You pulled open the door, holding it open for the camera men behind you. You were used to their presence by now and even found yourself looking for them when they weren’t around. You scanned the coffee shop slowly, several patrons turning to look as a bell had jingled upon your entrance. A man sitting at the far side of the cafe looked up as well, his gaze lasering in on you. He wore a mask, so it was difficult to identify his face, but his bangs were fashioned into a comma part, dark brown and wavy. He stood, his eyes disappearing into slits to signify the smile hiding behind his mask.

“Hey,” he called, quickly approaching you. He bowed politely before tugging the mask off of his face. “I’m Monsta X’s Jooheon.”

You nodded, mildly starstruck for a moment. You were so starstruck in fact, that you didn’t even bother rubbing in your correct guess to Armpit and Sweaty. Monsta X was one of your favorite groups and you were terrified that one of their members could possibly be your date for the evening.

“What’s your name?” Jooheon smiled, waiting patiently.

“Sorry, I’m Y/N,” you whispered with a small bow. “Monsta X is my favorite group. I need to calm my nerves for a moment.”

You mentally cringed as the words passed your lips.

“Oh wow,” Jooheon gasped, his eyebrows shooting up. His kind smile never left his face. “You’re a fan? Here, sit, sit.”

He waved you to a nearby table and pulled a chair out for you. You gratefully sat down and winced. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound weird. Did I come across as weird?”

Why did you keep talking? Just stop talking, Y/N.

“Not weird at all, very cute actually,” Jooheon chuckled. “I’ll go get us some coffee. Maybe something warm will clear your thoughts.”

It took everything you had in you not to face palm yourself as Jooheon sauntered away. He looked good, but all of the men you had met so far had. His jacket was swung over the seat across from you and you hesitated, talking yourself out of touching the fabric. That would have been entirely too much...but you did it anyway.

You looked up at Jooheon’s back as he waited patiently at the counter, smiling at the barista as he pointed to the menu boards. You realized he had never asked what you had wanted, but it probably would have been pointless if he had. You had never been here before and you were sure he had. He turned around, two coffees in hand, and began to shuffle back toward you. You immediately averted your gaze, occupying your attention with one of the signed photos on the wall.

“Here you go,” he cooed, setting the mug down before you. “I think you’ll like it. It’s pretty sweet, like you.”

You felt your face become hot at his comment. Normally lines like that would never slide past you, but you allowed it with Jooheon.

“Normally I take my coffee dark,” you whispered, stirring at the contents of the cup. “But sweet can be good too.”

“I can order you something else,” Jooheon gasped, instinctively reaching out for your drink.

You shook your head, placing a hand protectively over the porcelain and the other over Jooheon’s outstretched hand. You pushed it away gently and smiled. “If it’s a Jooheon recommendation, it will be perfect.”

“Aigoo, don’t put that much pressure on my decisions,” he grinned. “I picked it because the name was cute and Hoseok’s mom drinks it.”

“This is her shop, right?” you asked, continuing to stir nervously. “Wonho’s mom’s?”

“Yeah, you knew?” Jooheon asked, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise. “You really are our fan then.”

“I am,” you nodded with a small smile.

“So who’s your favorite then?” Jooheon chuckled. You froze for a moment, looking up at him.

“Do I have to have a favorite?”

“Every fan has a favorite,” he grinned. ‘Even when you say you don’t, your subconscious has made the decision for you.”

You nodded, biting on your lip in thought. “Alright, well you’re my favorite then.”

“You’re only saying that because you’re on a date with me!” Jooheon gasped.

“Not true,” you giggled. “Well...partially true. But that’s one of the reasons why you’re my favorite. You’re also talented, smart, and incredibly handsome...plus your last mixtape was lit.”

“Aren’t I supposed to be the one making you blush?” Jooheon grumbled, hiding his smile by sipping on his coffee. He pulled back from the cup and hissed, smacking his lips. “Be careful, it’s hot.”

“Thanks,” you smiled, your sarcasm getting the best of you. “The steam didn’t alert me to that.”

Jooheon’s eyes grew wide as he stared at you. You immediately bit your tongue, mentally checking yourself. You couldn’t talk to someone like that out of the gate. “Sorry,” you whispered, an embarrassed heat returning to your face. “I’m a little...rough sometimes.”

“Some of the best people are,” Joooheon cooed. “Matter of fact, some of my favorite people are a little sharp on the outside.”

“Just try not to get cut on my edges,” you sighed. “If I say something too rude, feel free to let me know.”

“I don’t think we’ll have any problems with that,” he grinned. “How many dates have you been on so far?”

“Three,” you nodded, furrowing your brows as you thought over your contractual obligations. Could you talk about other dates with your current date?

“I know we can’t talk about it really,” Jooheon sighed, seemingly reading your mind. “But I’ve been keeping an unbiased eye on the show when it airs.”

“Have you?” you breathed. So he had seen you with other men? Seen you kissing his competition?

“I have,” he nodded. “I have to say, my coffee date is feeling real inadequate after spa week.”

You cackled, shutting your eyes as the laugh shook through you. Jooheon laughed as well, simply pleased that he was able to make you laugh.

“Thank you for taking me here,” you said quietly after the giggles had subsided. “I don’t think I could take another spa week.”

Your comment made Jooheon’s smile grow even larger. “Ah, so how are the dates going? From your perspective? This whole thing must be a crazy experience.”

“It is,” you nodded. “But I’ve managed to meet some really lovely guys. You included.”

“Aw stop,” Jooheon whined, never losing his smile. “You’re just being nice.”

“As noted earlier, being nice isn’t my initial go to,” you laughed. Jooheon laughed as well, shaking his head. You made an internal note at how wonderful Jooheon’s laugh was. No matter what you said, he always offered up a smile. It made your heart feel warm and your mind feel appreciated. It was definitely something you could get used to.

“Mission,” Armpit grunted, thrusting the envelope Jooheon’s way. You looked at him curiously, lifting your brows.

“And no, you aren’t allowed to rip it.”

You chuckled, thinking back on your previous date and how proud Jay had made you.

Jooheon rolled his eyes, making sure to look up at you kindly before pulling the envelope open.

“Can you trespass into her heart? Deliver your best aegyo to make your date laugh. Finish in 60 seconds and escape the penalty.”

Jooheon looked up, his face surprised. “Why would they challenge me with something I’m so good at?”

You winced, biting your lip. He was admittedly adorable. “Maybe because I’m not known to be susceptible to that type of thing?”

“Obviously you haven’t been around me then,” he grinned. “My charm is impossible to ignore.”

“You know what, Jooheon?” you laughed. “I think I can believe that.”

“All you aegyo scrubs,” he mumbled in his deepest octave. “Watch and learn.”

To Be Continued...

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nothingbeatsreadingintherain · 8 years ago

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Tag 9 People You Want to Get to Know Better...

I was tagged by @luna-myth

Questions:

What is your age? 18

What is your current job? Full time student at UC Davis, although I do plan on working in the following quarter and I work at GAP during breaks

What are you talented at? Well…lets see…Mario Kart, really any Super Mario game, running, depending on fanficiton for life just as much as I depend on oxygen. I’m also rather good with English and Math, although I enjoy English much more since I am a bookworm at heart. Fun fact, I’m not that bad at acting and I’m also trilingual… Honestly though, I always hate talking about myself because I feel like I’m selfish/conceded and so I tell myself to just never bring me up BUT at the same time I do want to be more confident in myself and- OH RIGHT. As you noticed, I’m very very talented at being extremely paranoid. Perhaps what I’m most talented at is procrastinating (not by choice, trust me…). I know it’s not something to be proud of but honestly, it gets kind of amusing in a terrifying HOLY MOTHER OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN YOURE GOING TO DIE type of way to see just how far I can push the bounds of procrastination without actually dying…dont try that at home kids…

What is a goal you are working at or have already achieved? I really want to make it out of college alive and be able to graduate. Also, I want to FINALLY get my driver’s license.

What’s your aesthetic? Im not sure what this question is really asking but I love pajamas ALL DAY EVERY DAY 24/7. As for how others look, I’m not picky with that either, if what they wear makes them happy then I’m happy as well.

Do you collect anything? Does homework at the last minute count? No? Ok…well, I used to collect rocks and seashells, but now its mostly Funko Pops and books. TV Shows, music, and fandoms as well, along with A WHOLE LOT OF FAN FICTION, I CANT EVER GET ENOUGH OF IT. Also tiny things that will immediately transport me back to the memory that corresponds with that particular item.

What’s a topic you always talk about? Well, I love nature and especially the ocean, Jellyfish and whales are ABSOLUTELY FASCINATING! Ancient Egypt, yummy food, books, more food…did I mention books? OOOOOO ESPECIALLY THE SMELL OF BOOKS AND THE FEELING OF SLOWLY CARESSING THEIR SPINE (I swear i’m not insane). I also talk a lot about Dr. Who, Harry Potter, OUAT, Beauty and the Beast, Rumbelle, Rumbelle again for emphasis, Emilie de Ravin, and Robert Carlyle…Come to think about it I talk a lot so I can write pages upon pages of things I talk a lot about.

What is a pet peeve of yours? Ok so I bike a lot (being at Davis and all) and It REALLY REALLY REALLY bothers me when a pedestrian decides its ok to walk in the middle of the firkin bike lane when they have an entire area designated especially for them…I can’t tell you the number of times I almost ran someone over just because they thought it would be hilarious to scare jump into the middle of the bike lane for a laugh. It also really bothers me when someone is walking really slow and they’re blocking the path…I try to have patience but God knows I’m severely lacking in that area when it comes to that. I also don’t like it when people don’t say thank you at work after I help them with whatever they needed (retail problem) or when they yell over something I have no control of.

Good advice to give? At the risk of sounding naive: live your authentic self and do what makes you happy. I know it can be hard at times, but honestly, you only ever get one life, so always make the most of situations and stay positive. I like to be genuinely positive and kind to others as a firm believer that a smile can go a long long way, but sometimes people take that as an invitation to take advantage. And honestly, as confident as I thought I was, sometimes I chose to just turn a blind eye and let it happen for the sake of “peace” (I only channeled my inner vampire when it came to my friends and family, for them I could pull my fangs out). My biggest mistake was confusing silence with peace, so here’s my advice: I know it’s hard, I know you’ve probably heard it million times and have now deduced it to be an overused “inspirational” phrase that in the end isn’t as easy as it seems, but don’t let anything impede you from standing up for yourself and protecting your happiness, whatever that may be. And dont forget to embrace yourself! I was always a weird kid, and it wasn’t until recently that I realized it’s actually a blessing (normal is just so very boring after all…).

What are three songs you’d recommend? Its hard narrowing it down to three, but here ya’ go:

1) “Sail” (Unlimited Gravity Remix) by Awolnation

2) “Dog Days are Over” by Florence and the Machine

3) “Instant Crush” by Daft Punk ft. Julian Casablancas

(bonus: any Melanie Martinez song, they’re all amazing)

I’m kind of still easing into the world of Tumblr and don’t actually now many people yet, but here are the people I’m nominating: @thequeenandherswan @mariequitecontrarie @rumbelleinthebrooke @bookwormchocaholic @nirvigedearie @simplythedarkone @lulabelle714 @advah @dizzykat28560:

PS: I didn’t proofread this, so sorry for any typos/ improper grammar that may have slipped my mind/notice…

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loi-et-love · 8 years ago

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I told Net Friend about BB’s call.

NF: I want to know how you feel

NF: Does he mean he told Shikh everything before but hasn't talked about you yet?

NF: Cheated???

NF: I admit my head is strained by his logic. Of not leaving Dan because he would be doing that to you

I: you know how they say that if i can leave A for you, i can leave u for soembody else

NF: yep

I: That's his logic.

NF: I understand it, but it feels weird

I: He just feels that he doesnt want to do that. Be that person

NF: You were pretty cold with him there.He pours out all this stuff, stuff you with he'd been talking about. And you're "why bother with that now"

NF: You could ask him why he did that.Cheated, I mean. I mean you could ask him next time you talk Or text or whatever Seems like an important thing to know more about

NF: What are you first thoughts and feelings about all this?

NF: You don't have to have decided anything. No self-respecting person would stay with BB! That's what you said.

NF: He's thinking you should get your LLM in the US?

NF: He just finally was able to declare his love And you immediately go to "friends"? You may be right to do that But, poor guy

NF: You're both talking about stuff that's impossible to know

NF: He sounds like he thinks he is taking you up your offer.

I: what offer?

NF: To be a couple. IMPLIED offer

I: Yeah because i said "i love u too"?? God! i shouldn’t have said it, u mean?

NF: Not saying that no. I think you are making it clear that you're not going to just run into his arms.That you're not ready to just be a couple.

I: Then what am I ready for?THat's true though. I am not going to just run into his arms. Not after all that shit he pulled.

NF: Saying you love him isn't a promise to be his boyfriend. But it certainly encourages him to want to.

I: He also said that I need to decide if I would waid for him. Because long distance isn't on the table and we are 1000 miles away from each other. And it would take time to be in the same place so would I wait?This is what he said in the middle of the phonen at the end he was like "why dont u come here" etc.. as if he wants this to happen NOW!!!

NF: Yeah, he's feeling it now

NF: You excited? Nervous? Happy? Angry? Numb?

I: we havent talked about my issues and the baggage i bring to the table

NF: You mean you and BB haven't?

I: yeahWhen he said why am i so perfect. i did mention that i have issues too. lets not forget themthe fact that i have NEVER been in a relationship. IDK how to be in one.intimacy issuespsychological block about my vaginacommitment issuesim scared of ppl who love me bcz i dont want to disappoint thembcz thats what i do. i disappoint ppl who love me.i feel i can never reciprocate their loveidk how to yeah! call me stupid for wanting something with BB. i shouldve been happy when he friendzoned bcz thats the bestest decision he ever took!

NF: You don't need to go there. The "stupid for wanting something" part. Just acknowledge that you are scared. Which I think you did.

I: I am scared. And he scared me even more with "what do you think will your mom be cool with me?" Huh?!!I wanted to say "noooooo she doesn't like you. She's fine till we r friends and all but you know.. she thinks you r not worth it. You deserve me"And I used the 'marriage' word for him to realize that dude u r freaking me out, maybe u should freak out a little too.. but he laughed! He laughed it off

NF: Yeah, he was coming on REALLY strong.He thought you were waiting for that.

I: Well.. I was mad with the friendzoned thing but why would I want to be with someone who rejected me?I Thought I already said that in the reply to his ocean sized love textAnd I meant it. I didn't say a thing in that text that I didn't mean or just to hurt him

NF: He wasn't free to reciprocate before and now he is.That's a huge difference regarding everything, to him.

I: Well I don't completely not want it. But now I'm in two minds. A part of me wants to be just friends because of the way we are n the other part of me wants more because of these feelings.Maybe I am going to get this. Because we cannot be together together til v r in the same place right?!!

NF: I'm not sure what difference it makes since he's not here.Unless you are going to "wait for him"

I: Exactly Idk I can't process that right now. I don't want to process itI mean isn't it thst even he has to wait for me?It works both ways doesn't it?

NF: Unless he feels like cheating

I: HeheheheehheheheheheehNot funny. Don't freak me out more

NF: Well you are 8000 miles away or whatever it isAnd someone else is going to be right there hugging himIt might be better to not wait for each other so he doesn't have to cheatJust an idea, not a recommendation

I: See the whole point is. I never wanted any of this right? So I'll be in the stage for lifeWaiting or not, idk I don't decide that. It'll mostly happen on its own without me knowing about it

NF: So you're suggesting that you just see what happens with BB if you two ever happen to be in the same country?

I: Maybe. But i didn't exactly mean that.We'll see what happens if we r in the same country. If i want to be with him or not, I'll know then. I'll know then if i waited for him or not.Feelings may go away or they may stay or they may stay n still i wouldnt want to be with him. Who knows!

NF: Maybe you'll meet a cute lawyer.

I: heh And cheat on BB?

I: he kept repeating a few things over n over i love you smell of your hair, skin soft my face im fucked up in my headidk. the smell of my hair?im smelling my hair right now

NF: Your shampoo?

I; god knows! n my soft skin? its pretty dry. i dotn use moisturizer. im lazy

NF: You might be being too practical here

I: he said this one thing too. i dont remember the context of it but i just remember two sentences "u r always with me n i am always with u"something... i interpreted it as the presence of me he feels..i think v r obssesed with each other n not in love

NF: heh

I: he also said that he has been in love with me for a long time before i realized it for himhe said it came to him two years ago, but he's sure he loves me ever scne he met me or somethingwhen i said "u loved me when u were 14" n he said yeseven that freaked me out a littlea little. not as much as my mom being cool with him thing did

NF: You are going to take weeks to process this

I: i am still laughing reading all that i am telling uits funny to mei dont think i came out too strong did i?i dont think i can be this vulnerable.

NF: As I said, you were a bit harsh on himI said cold

I: he would use "feeling" word before, n now it has turned into "fell for you" or "in love with you" or "loving you"i am cold. and harsh n cruel when u hurt me.i dont control that parti cannot be sweet n kind. i cannot b a doormat. u cannot hurt me n get away with it. u have to feel to wrath

NF: It's probably his sense of honor that he couldn't say those things before when he was with Dan

I: sense of honor. yeah.. sounds funny to me.. but makes senselast tiem we spoke. before i asked for a break, he wanted to call me 'honey' again

NF: wanted to?

I: wanted to. he asked me when was the last time i called you honey?n i said doesnt matter. n he said it matters.. something something..so i said you can't. you wont'.n he asked i can't?i repeated u cant u wontok yeah.. i agree, im cold n harsh!when i become that, u r supposed to leave me alone. il be fine n normal after a while. thats the trick!

NF: ha ha ha ha"Fine n normal" ha ha ha

I: its truewhats so funny?

NF: You get scared or hurt and get cold and push people away and then you are "fine n normal"That's funny

I: i had to ask you.did u expect any of this?Any or all of the things BB said?

NF: no

I: good. so i m not the only one.

NF: *hug*

NF: You don't have to process it nowDon't worry about thatHe's not going to show up at your door

I: i hope he doesn'tdammit now i can imagine him at my door step with that grin on his face

NF: Well, he might come home for a holiday I supposeOr when the term is over?Does he have a break before interning?

I: he said he's not going to n thats y he came for two weeks durign christmas n new year holidaysi guess he doesntidk. i dont want him to come.im scared what will happen if he comes back, even if he's coming JUST to visit

#personal #net friend #bunny boy #adi #adu #BB #lost in love #not so lost anymore #i love you

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