#<- i hate calling her that but stick o rock sounds.... misleading

[meowizard]

why must i create content for my ocs is it not simply enough to exude them into peoples brains like spores

[princebete]

So Wednesday morning I got a call from the same person who hired me at my current job, who was supposed to train since joining as an Esthetician.

She said that “ I am not spunky enough” and not “ what they are looking for” as far as the position and basically discontinued my candidacy in the training program... 

thing is... 

i never even got to train. 

When I was hired in October, my license was still in limbo and I was put on the front desk to learn that basic position, until my license would be posted. Not to mention, when I was hired, their main desk person was there for two days before dropping to one shift a week. So I filled a hole, but I did not get trained appropraitely. Queue the fucking holiday rush. All November and mid-December I worked on front desk... awaiting my license to be approved so I could end the nightmare. I wanted to be a service provider so bad, and then I went to California for christmas, and came back to the desk again... and my family was asking me when I’d start training, and I asked myself this question. And I noticed I had a personal development meeting scheduled... so I though perhaps that I’d learn more front desk until they could train me. And my license had finally been posted...  

I feel so mislead and lied to. Like ... I told an esthetician that I consider an acquaintance and SHE IS MORE QUIET THAN ME ... what the fuck 

i feel like there is another “non legal” reason... and honestly ... no matter what anyone says. Estheticians and Cosmos are opposite. Esthes are not meant to be with a personality of a cosmo, and when I WAS IN SCHOOL HALF OF THE COSMOS WERE LIKE “ why are you not a stylist?? you have the personality for one!” what the fuck.  Esthes are the “spa” relaxing, mellow lighting, soothing music--- massage type of environment. Not the loud obnoxious pop rock music blaring in the background while people scream out their life story over hair dryers and alumnimum foil. No--- 

no i think it’s bcause of the fact that I am a fuller figure

that because I am larger, the illusion is that-that i move slower and do less.. that because i am big i seem “ Less” and because of this it takes away opportunities. it’s terrible. 

it’s a world of outliers. there is no more middle ground it’s either :

body positivity!! and accepting unhealthy behavior 

or it’s 

“appear” healthy because of ur size ( which is total bull shit) and ur not a health insurance risk, and u fit the social standard that’s been around in post modern era. 

.... like i HATE THIS ... i am trying hard right now. 

I am HUNGRY, guys. I’m STARVING right now. 

I HAVE eaten, I am on a special diet plan to lose up to 5 a week ( yes dropping 5 a week is not as healthy as 2-3... i already know) 

I am following a diet plan that was written in 1984!! and for what? so i dont have to worry about being a fat bride!! so I can make more money!! SO I DONT HAVE TO WORK IN A POSITION WHERE I HAVE TO BEND TO THE WILL OF SOME PRIVLEGED SNOB. 

this society sucks. it takes away job opportunities, it takes my happiness( well for 6 months...) and i know this isn’t forever, and this is a special metabolism diet plan, so it’s not crash dieting. i mean it is a LOT less food, but it’s healthy... I mean 

i get a limit on calorie intake, and i walk after eating consistent meals. they aren’t filling, but i mean-- my stomach is shrinking and that diet world is all backwards all the time anyway. but it SUCKS. i can’t just march up to the fridge and grab a cheese stick right now ( unless weight watchers which if u do, u just track it) -- anyways I digress... but there is just so much pressure and stress, which to me is a lot of suffering just to “ get it right” in the world. 

It’s just very sad to go through this, and make an effort ... yet still get rejected... I mean I was kinda disliking the place anyway?? but i was hoping that my training would turn around my feelings and help me reconcile my view. but it was all a lie. 

and they paid me less than a desk person... yep. they paid me what an esthetician would make when not taking commission. I feel like i got sucked into this, so they could put me on desk, pay me less, then tell me i wont be working as an esthetician to keep me on desk

... and ever since I’ve been in a state of shock. “ Well”  I thought   “ at least I have my other $14.50/hr job that makes me a $100 per 8 hour shift. That’s good!” ....  but oh no 

an email came from my supervisor last night .

Mandatory company wide call at 9 am in the morning. On a Friday... our pay day... in JANUARY. 

----o fuck this can’t be good. 

and my suspicions were correct.... 

they disbanded the beauty concierge program.  I got my sister a job with this company and she lives on her own with her bf so i mean... she dependso n this too... so it sucks... i am kinda... wow

After 6 years they decide to disband THIS year. The year I join. 

So I am now working very part time as a front desk person earning 10.50 and hour with the looming storm of student loans in student view.... 

anyways i dont know why i spew all this yhere. im looking for an outlet so perhaps some people, you, my friends-- can see what is up.

Honestly.. as far as career goes...

I don’t really know what I want anymore. I know that I dont wanna waste my life on something meaningless, and I feel like I am endlessly searching for something-- learning about the bad parts, and discarding it... but Iwould like to find something where if I find those bad parts, I’d be okay with embracing it and just rolling with the punches.

So far I have not found it yet. 

in all honestly, if i could just be a home maker and not work at all, do art and cosplay and sing in  the evenings-- that’d be ideal. 

Right now I am learning more about UX/UI to see if I could use my art degree and make more money. But... for the most part I am looking up wax specialists, and office administration type jobs... where the front desk person does all the party planning and grocery shopping for the office. lol .. I know sounds lazy, but whatever  Ican admit that--- my laziness can be translated to depression.

I just really wanna lose weight...  this strict plan isn’t forever. The book I am using the method from strictly outlines that it is a temporary thing just to get metabolism on track using a series of net carbs, good fats and calorie reduction-- so it’s not like it is unhealthy. It’s not like if I went and got some cheetohs or ate a cookie I’d be fucked like if I was on keto .... 

tbh I should be a weightloss plan expert I’ve done it all... 

but yeah. 

anyways-- thanks for listening to my rant

all in all my life isn’t that bad 

i have a home 

a car 

a wonderful cat 

a loving fiance 

education 

and some money to my name. i’m not totally broke.

I am very grateful and i am not to sore about all of this, it’s just crazy that it’s happening within days of eachother. and it kind sucks cuz this means i may not have a paycheck next couple weeks... or atleast a good one. 10.50 an hour my ASS. but oh well it’s SOMETHING. 

ALSO .... I might make a blog for tracking my wedding plans-- if anyone likes that suff and wants to follow... I may post reference to that. otherwise <3 love you all