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soheila-1996 · 5 years ago

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My story- Part Five

This chapter was so difficult to write. I’ve really debated posting this over the last couple days because this is so personal.

I had a miscarrige last year and it’s approaching my son/daughter’s due date as well as what would have been my daughter’s fifth birthday on May 3rd. I’m finding this time really, really difficult. I wasn’t going to take this fic here but writting really is acting as an amazing outlet for me. I’ve really been able to get a lot off my chest. This chapter is all over the place, I apologise for that but I needed to get it out.

My little disclaimer:

I have epilepsy. This details my seizures, I can’t speak for everyone, everyone’s seizures/ experiences are different. This is graphic. Seizures are messy. They aren’t fun and it felt wrong to make it out to be cute when they really aren’t. Pretty much all the things that happen in the plot have happened to me. Well, I’m not married to a king or live in a palace so…there’s that but everything else is accurate. There may be some jokes about it here because I do joke about it sometimes. It makes me more comfortable and I find it helps relax everyone around me. I’m also writing about it because there really aren’t that many fics written about it and I think it’s important to shine light on it.

Any feedback is really appreciated! :)

Tagging people who shared the last part. You don’t have to read it! I just thought you might want to see what happens: @kacie-0156, @texaskitten30, @cordonianroyalty, @kingliam2019, @bebepac, @kingliam-rys, @cordonia-gothqueen, @kimmiedoo5, @bbrandy2002, @loveellamae @bobasheebaby @losingbraincellseveryday @marshmallowsaremyfavorite @jared2612 @flutistbyday2020 @debramcg1106 @anotherbeingsworld

This is also part of wacky drabbles hosted by @emceesynonymroll. The prompt this week is: #40: Don’t you ever do that again.

Paring: Liam and Riley

Warnings: ⚠️ Miscarriage, Suicidal thoughts, blood.

Word count: 4882

Catch up here

(Liam’s POV)

Since the events the other day at the fundraiser and the video, Riley had been...distant. That’s the only way I can explain it. She won’t talk to anyone and when she does, she’s not herself.

I had read some of the truly awful things people had been saying about her. I can’t comprehend how anyone could be so cruel to another human being. She had told me that it doesn't bother her but I know better. I’m positive that it would bother anyone.

Since I had learned about her epilepsy things were okay, then The Five Kingdom’s Festival happened- that’s where things started to go a little bit awry. I can see now that all of us were being a little bit overprotective but we- I was scared. Finding her that day was one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced. It was when she told me about the baby and her miscarrige in a previous relationship was when she started to pull away from me. Our conversations grew shorter and awkward, our passionate kisses became little pecks. It felt like we were growing apart but I don’t fully understand why.

(Riley’s POV)

Liam was down the hall in our home study and I was sitting in our bedroom on the bed, my phone in hand as I scrolled down the comments of the video of my seizure.

I know that looking at them isn't going to make me feel better but I want to know what people are saying about me.

When everything with Tariq happened the comments didn't bother me because I knew it didn't happen...but there was no denying this.

People continued to speculate on whether I was faking it, what was wrong with me if it was real, if I had overdosed and other random ridiculous theories.

I haven't really left our apartment or spoken to anyone- especially Liam. I’m embarrassed even though I can’t control it and I shouldn’t be but I am.

I can’t help it.

I feel like I've not only embarrassed myself but Liam too and my friends.

It astounds me how cruel people can be.

I continued to scroll down the despicable comments- once again only looking at the negative ones. At this point I’ve already read and thought so many despicable things that I've kind of become numb to it now. There’s nothing anyone can say that I haven't already thought of.

I feel the hot tears stinging as I continue to look through them.

Why would he want to be with her???

That’s so embarrassing and gross.

She can die from one of these, right? Great!

I don’t realise that I’m crying or that Liam has come into the room until his hands are resting on my shoulders and he’s kneeling in front of me.

“What’s wrong?”

“It doesn't matter,” I sniffled. I placed my phone down beside me and wiped at my eyes. Liam sat beside me as I brought my knees up to my chest.

“Talk to me,” he encouraged.

He doesn't understand. He can’t. How could I possibly explain to him what I’m feeling right now?

He’d be better off right? He wouldn't have to be constantly worried and stressed about me. He could find someone else, someone who makes him happy and doesnt hurt him.

“Please?”

He moved so he was sitting in front of me. He brought his hands up, both cupping either side of my face as his thumbs wiped the tears away.

“Please talk to me.”

“And say what?” I shrugged, “ That I don’t want to do any of this anymore? Or how I’m so terrified that I’m going to murder our baby so I’m pushing you away so when it happens you’ll already hate me? Is that what you wanted me to tell you?!” My chest was now rising and falling quickly from my outburst. Liam opened his mouth to speak but opted against it.

I mean what did I expect? He’s probably thinking the same things I am.

“Wh-” He started, swallowing thickly. “What do you mean you don’t want to do this anymore?” I stayed silent. I don't know what to say or how to say it. “What’s going on in that head of yours, Ri?” He asked calmly.

I swallowed thickly. If I was being honest, I don’t know. It’s more than what people have been saying online. Those things of course bother me but it’s not anything I haven’t heard before. That’s not what’s caused this.

I shrugged at his question. I don’t know what’s going on or even if I know how do I explain it? I feel lost and..and hopeless and scared. I’m really scared.

“Riley?”

“I-I just don’t want to do this anymore.” I swallowed thickly as I turned my head to look at him.

“What don’t you want to do anymore?”

“All of it.” I saw the fear flash across my husband's face. “I don’t want to be here anymore,” I said, my voice monotone. I know that I’m going to start crying, I know that i’ve just hurt Liam with what I’ve said and stand up after picking my cell phone up and pocketing it.

I went to walk away but Liam's hand gently wrapped around my wrist to stop me. I hesitantly turn to face him. My heart shattered at seeing the tears welling in his eyes.

I tugged my arm out of his grasp and cleared my throat. “I-I need a minute.”

“Riley?” He called after me. His voice laced with sheer panic. I stopped in the doorway and turned to look at him getting up onto his feet.

He went to move towards me but I held up a hand to stop him, “I’m not going to do anything,” I reassured, “ I- I just need a minute. I’ll come back.” I didn't say anything else as I left the apartment.

It was true, I wasn’t going to do anything, I just wanted to be alone for a few minutes to think over it all. I needed to figure this all out on my own first.

The next morning, my eyes fluttered open and were immediately stung by the sun rays peeking in through the partially closed curtains. I turned over to lay on my back and used my arm to shield my eyes from the blinding light.

I had avoided Liam after our talk yesterday evening and had stayed with Drake last night to ensure I wouldn’t run into my husband. I had sent Liam a text before going to bed to let him know that I’m okay.

There were a million different places I could’ve stayed but Drake is one of my best friends and I couldn’t be with Liam knowing I had hurt him.

Drake was like Liam- overprotective but he is one my best friends. Drake has always been here for me, through the highs and lows. Always here to confide in but we haven't spoken about it.

I don’t know where to begin or how to explain how I’m feeling.

It’s not that I can’t speak to Liam. I can tell him anything and he wouldn't judge me over it but seeing his face last night… I can’t hurt him anymore. I can’t.

I had found that over the last few days my mind had started to become a scary place. Filled with thoughts I haven't had since highschool. They're difficult to ignore. I’m tired of trying to ignore them. Keeping them pushed to the back of my mind only for them to come back stronger.

Everything just takes up so much energy.

I threw the blankets off of me, headed out of Drake's spare room and down the hall to the bathroom- that was thankfully unoccupied.

Drake never was an early riser so that’s hardly surprising.

I had just sat, pulled my pants and panties down when I felt my stomach churn at the sight of the red substance splattered in my otherwise pristine white underwear.

Shit. shit. No...please

I can feel my heart start racing. Beating madly like horses hooves hitting the ground. My stomach rolls and my heart sinks.

This can't be happening.

“It's okay,” I whispered to myself. “I’m fine. A little bit of spotting is normal. Totally normal.” I’m saying the words, I know the facts and yet I’m still panicking.

I took a deep breath and held it in for a few seconds, closing my eyes as I did so, going to my happy place. I did this a few more times to prevent my breathing going off the rails and going into a full blown panic. I don’t need that right now.

I don't have any nausea like normal but that’s okay, right? It should probably be called ‘all- day sickness’ It’s never just limited to the morning.

I’m fine.

It’ll probably rear its ugly head at some point during the day.

It’s probably a good thing actually. None of my friends know that I’m pregnant and Drake probably wouldn't appreciate me puking in his bathroom.

I flushed the toilet then headed out. As I was walking past the kitchen back to the spare room I heard Drake’s voice.

I changed direction and headed into the kitchen instead. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised to see my husband sitting at the table opposite Drake.

Liam stood up when he saw me and wrapped me in his arms. “Are you okay?” He immediately asked.

“I’m fine.” I wanted to tell him about the spotting but...I don’t. It’s probably nothing. There’s no point in both of us stressing over it.

“Last night you disappeared and I-”

“I’m sorry,” I cut him off before he started to continue his worried rambling. I feel like the biggest bitch on the planet.

I didn’t handle last night well at all.

“Don't you ever do that again,” Liam said. I could hear the concern and worry laced in his normal stoic voice.

“I’m sorry. I just needed to- I needed some time to think over everything,” I explained as I wrapped both my arms around him tighter.

“I was so worried about you,” he told me quietly.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

We were interrupted by Drake clearing his throat. We let go of each other and turned to him. “Do you one of you want to tell me what’s going on?”

Liam went to open his mouth but I started talking before he could have a chance to, “It’s private and nothing to worry about,” I say quickly. “Thank you for letting me stay last night, Drake.”

“Sure,” he responded.

“I-I’m gonna go and get my stuff.” I awkwardly headed out and into the spare room to grab my phone, only to discover it had died, and my jacket and shoes- since they were the only things I had with me yesterday evening.

I slipped my shoes and jacket on then headed back into the kitchen.

The awkwardness in there was almost palpable.

Liam and I both said goodbye to our friend, then headed back to our quarters so I could shower and change.

On the way back Liam had told me we needed to talk but I don’t want to...not now at least. I just wanted to shower before I met up with Hana later.

I had asked him about how he knew where I was. He told me that he had panicked last night when I left and had tried to get hold of me but received no answer, then had called Drake thankfully to discover I was safe and sound with him.

I truly felt awful about it all. I wasn’t thinking last night that my disappearing act would make him worry so much. I didn’t mean to make him worry.

It just seemed to be one thing after another.

It was a few hours later, Hana and I are sitting in the library working on planning Maxwell’s surprise birthday party. Neither of us had planned one before and was finding it a little bit difficult. An offer had been extended for Drake to come and join us but he opted against it and Liam was in the middle of a conference call with the French ambassador but should be along shortly.

My laptop was open in front of me. I was writing down all our ideas we had come up with so far. All we knew was that we wanted it to be Kraken or squid themed- maybe both.

I was typing all of our ideas when my arm started to tingle.

Oh no.

I looked up to Hana who sat opposite me. She was making a sketch of a new suit she wanted to make for Maxwell for the party.

My stomach rolled.

Hana soon looked up at me. Everything was becoming confusing. My notes are almost forgotten. Why I’m here forgotten too.

I don’t think I took my medication this morning.

“Are you alright?”

I shook my head. “N-No,” I slurred.

All I really know right now is that I’m not feeling good. I feel sick.

I wobbily got to my feet and so did Hana.

I don’t know where I am but I don’t want to be here.

She stood in front of me, hands resting on my shoulders. “Riley, are you going to have a seizure?” My hearing is starting to disappear. Her voice sounds different- echoey.

I don’t understand what she's asking me.

(Hana’s POV)

I now understand what Maxwell had been feeling at the fundraiser. We’ve both been there to witness this but Drake and Liam have always been the ones to help her.

I gently helped her down onto the floor.

Riley started to squirm and whimper as she tried to get up off the floor. Her limbs don’t want to cooperate with her. I’m sure that’s making her panic more because her attempts to get away get stronger.

“It’s okay,” I said, quietly. She’s still squirming and whimpering. I know she probably doesn't understand anything that I’m saying right now to attempt to comfort her.

I heard her start to gag and immediately helped her over onto her side. I rubbed her back comfortingly, “It’s okay .Get it all out.”

Once she had finished, I quickly stood to fetch our phones off the table and a cushion off one of the seats.

I carefully slid the cushion under her head, she tried to move but she can barely move her limbs now.

“I dun’t feel glood,” She said in a small, slurred voice that made it difficult for me to understand.

“It's okay,” I tried to console but I dont think it’s doing much.

Her face fell blank, expressionless and less than a second later she started seizing, I quickly pressed the button to start the timer. I picked Riley’s phone up and looked for Liam’s contact.

It only ran three times before Liam picked up. “Love?”

“It’s Hana, Liam. We’re in the library and Riley’s having a seizure.”

“What?” He sounded panicked.

“She’s okay. It’s all under control. I- I just thought that you needed to know.”

“I’ll be there soon.” Liam hung up and I turned all my attention back to Riley. A little bit of blood started to trickle out of her mouth, I used the bottom of my dress to wipe it away, remembering that I needed to keep her airway as clear as possible.

Her thrashing started to slow down. “There you go,” I whispered. 2:23 was on the timer as I reached over to stop it as her thrashing ceased. I made a mental note of it.

About a minute later Liam arrived and dropped onto his knees beside us. It wasnt much longer until her eyes started to move behind their lids and opened completely.

(Riley’s POV)

Why can’t I move?

Why can’t I hear?

Where am I?

I can see two figures beside me. I can’t tell who they are!

Who are they?

What do they want?

Where am I?

I try to squirm away but my body doesn’t want to comply.

I’m scared, I don’t know where I am or why I’m here. My fight-or- flight response is starting to kick in. All I know is that I need to get away from these strange people.

Everything is still a blurry right now. The figures don’t yet have any defined facial features. My hearing is like I’m underwater- it’s all muffled.

A short while later, the details of the world around me is starting to bleed back into focus- I only wish my memory would do this too. I can see the bookshelves, the people near me. A sense failairt is over then but I can’t quite figure out why yet

The blonde ones seem to notice that I can see him and tilts his head a little bit. I realize I do recognize him and the woman. “Liam?” I asked. I’m still a little bit unsure.

The world doesn't completely make sense.

“I’m here,” he cooed. “We’re in the library, you had a little seizure,” he started to explain to me, “It’s just me and Hana.”

I looked at the woman. “Hi Riley.”

I don’t properly acknowledge my friend and look back to Liam. “What happened? I asked, his previous explanation completely forgotten.

“You had a seizure.”

“Oh.”

It took a few minutes for me to become fully alert. Now I was sitting up with Liam supporting me from behind.

I’m so tired.

I turned my head slightly and noticed the red stain on the bottom of my friend's dress. “I’m so sorry,” I panicked. Hana looked confused before she followed my gaze down.

“Oh don’t worry about it,” She said, waving me off.

“It’ll probably stain.”

“It’ll be fine. I promise,” Hana reassured, “I’m sure I’ll be able to get it out. Don’t worry about it.”

I nodded and let out a yawn.

“Do you want to head back to the apartment now?” Liam asked me. I nodded in agreement. Liam stood first and extended a hand out to me, I took it gratefully. Liam easily pulled me up off the not so comfortable library floor.

We both said goodbye to Hana, Liam grabbed my laptop off the table then we headed out. “Are you feeling okay now?” Liam asked me.

“Yeah,” I yawned, “I’m just tired, a little sore.”

We continued towards the apartment for a few minutes, when Liam spoke again breaking the silence. “Do you know what caused it this time?” He asked.

“I erm...I forgot to take my medication this morning,” I realized, thinking back to this morning. “I- I got a little distracted.” When we arrived back, I decided a nap would be beneficial- i was exhausted now so I settled down on the couch. Liam retrieved a blanket from our bedroom as I got comfortable. By the time he returned I was just about to drift off.

I felt him cover me with the blanket then place a kiss on my forehead. “I’ll be in the study if you need me.” I hummed before letting myself drift off.

I’m not sure how much later it was when I was woken up from my nap by some cramping, I rubbed at my eyes as I stood up. I felt sick at seeing the cushion I was laying on is now stained red.

Shit!

I looked down and saw the red, sticky blood covering my pants. I immediately headed out of the living room. I need Liam. This isn’t normal.

An icy finger ran down my spine when I felt another cramp slice across my lower abdomen. I wasn’t expecting it and leaned forward, grabbing hold of the door frame to Liam’s study, groaning quietly.

This can't be happening….Please, Please don’t let this be happening….Please…

My knuckles had turned white from the force I was using to keep hold of the wood. My other hand was resting on my stomach.

I bit my lip. I could taste the familiar metallic taste of blood from the freshly made cut in my bottom lip. I bit down harder as the pain seemed to intensify . I tried to keep in the whimper but I couldn’t.

I heard Liam’s chair be pushed back, then footsteps and before I knew it he was standing in front of me.

I couldn’t stop the tears from falling as I looked up to him. His eyebrows were knitted in concern but the look in his eyes told me he had an inkling about what was happening.

“Riley?” I’m sure I heard his voice crack. I whimpered again as another cramp tore through me.

What did I do wrong?

I can feel Liam’s hands resting on my shoulders now. “Riley, what’s happening sweetheart?”

I looked up to him. My tear filled gaze meeting his. My bottom lip trembled.

Was It something I ate?

“I-I’m…” I turned to look down at the floor. I couldn't look at him while I told him this. I couldn't watch as I shattered his dream of having a baby- like a true coward. “I’m losing the baby.”

Liam’s hands fell from my shoulders to rest by his side. He looked scared, panicked.

Is this because of a seizure?

Liam rubbed at his teary eyes. I groaned as another cramp sliced across my stomach once again. Liam stepped towards me and I grabbed onto his shoulders.

What if I had told him this morning?

“It’s okay,” Liam said, quickly, cupping my face in his hands.

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “It...It’s not,” I cried. The pain only seemed to worsen and I had the sudden urge to go to the toilet. “I-I need to go to the toilet.”

Liam nodded and helped me down the hall and into the bathroom. I pulled down my pants and underwear and took a seat.

“Get out,” I ordered quietly. My knuckles were once again white clamped over my knees. Liam looked up at me, disbelief spread across his face.

“What?”

“Get out,” I demanded more forcibly this time. I didn’t want him to see this. He didn’t need to see this.

“Ri-”

“JUST GET OUT!” I screamed at him through a sob. “Please.” I could see the internal battle he was having with himself. “Just go,” I sniffled.

Thankfully he did as he was told.

It was a few minutes later when suddenly all the pain was gone and something slippery fell out and splashed into the toilet.

Oh god.

I wiped myself with some toilet paper. It came back covered in red. I felt sick.

I slowly got back up to my feet and pulled up my pants. I turned around so I’m facing the toilet; I bit my lip, once again drawing blood as I looked down into the bowl. It’s hard to see anything because of the crimson stained water, then I see it- my baby bobbing in the water.

My hand hovers on the handle.

I want to take it out. It doesn't feel right for my baby to be in the toilet where waste goes but what would I do with it? With him or her?

I heard the door open as Liam stepped in. I don’t turn to look at him, my gaze is fixed on the toilet. I felt him step up behind me and peek a glance.

He wrapped his arms around me and a sob ripped out of his throat. I let myself slam into his chest and allow him to wrap me in his arms as I continue to stare at it.

I don’t know what to do.

“I-I don’t know what to do,” I mumbled, defeated. Liam rubbed my shoulders comfortingly, sniffling.

“What did you do last time?” He asked.

“I- I buried her.”

“Did that help?” I shook my head. It didn't. Having my baby so close to me just outside and knowing I couldn’t hold her broke my heart. Everyday. “Should we flush it?” I could hear in his voice that he was crying.

My hand reached for the handle as my other when to cover my mouth as a sob tore out of my throat. Liam stepped closer to me, one hand around my waist as the other covered mine over the handle.

“Are you sure?” I nodded and turned my head away. “One...two...three.” Both our hands pushed down and a loud whooshing filled my ears as clean water replaced the crimson.

After I had calmed down, Liam and I headed to the hospital after he had convinced me too. I know he’s just worried and wants to make sure I was okay so I go along with it even though I don’t care anymore.

After getting checked out, Liam and I climbed in the back of the SUV and strapped ourselves in. We barely had uttered a word to one another- actually Liam had tried to talk to me but...what was there to say? It’s gone and there's nothing anybody can do to change that.

I keep going over it all wondering if there was something I could’ve done differently, what I did wrong...There must’ve been something that I did to cause this.

Like I had suspected everyone told me that it wasnt my fault- that ‘it’s just one of those things and ‘it’s actually quite common’ but I don't know what to think or how to feel.

I didn’t let myself get excited over it. I didn't let myself dream over what the baby would look like or what they’d be, what type of person they would grow up to become but from the moment that baby was conceived it was my child. I know for a fact Liam over the last nine weeks has thought about it, let himself get excited over it and I had just ruined it for him.

The journey back home was spent in an uncomfortable silence. I wanted to speak. I wanted to apologise profusely to my husband for what I had done but I couldn’t. How could I ever make amends with words?

When we arrived home, Liam had extended out his hand to help me out of the vehicle but I didn't take it, opting to push past him instead.

I heard Liam’s hurried footsteps behind me as I walked towards our apartment. I could hear him calling my name but I ignored it and continued on my way.

I quickly unlocked the front door and headed straight to the bathroom.

I need a shower.

I headed down the hall to the bathroom.

I didn't waste any time stripping off my clothes and switching the water.

It’s cold to begin with but I’m numb to everything right now.

Everything feels like I've stepped into another dimension or that I'm trapped in a nightmare that I can’t escape.

It doesn't feel real.

I picked up the loofah and plastered it in my body wash and started to scrub at dried blood on my legs.

I want it off of me!

I don’t realise that all the blood is soon gone and I’m just rubbing at my flesh until its raw.

I’m crying.

I’m screaming.

I just want this all to stop.

My hand is pulled away from my now agitated flesh by Liam. He plucked the loofah out of my hand and put it down then pulled me against his chest. I fight against him and manage to squirm out of his grip.

He can’t comfort me.

I don’t deserve it not after what I’ve done.

One of the first things I notice now that I’m facing him is that he’s still wearing his clothes and they're wet.

“You’re getting all wet!” I cried as I tried to urge him out of the shower but he wouldn't budge. He simply just pulled me into his arms, my back resting against his chest.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. I’m not sure he heard me over the water hitting the floor. It hit me then that I could never apologise enough, there is nothing I can do that is ever going to rectify any of this.

It’s not like this is the first time. It’s happened twice- two babies that I have failed to protect. Two babies that I just wanted to hold more than anything in the world but will never get the chance too.

“There’s nothing to apologise for.”

“Y-yes there is,” I said. My bottom lip quivered. I know that If I speak again then the tears are going to start falling.

“It’s not your fault.” Liam’s words do not ring true for me right now. I’ve already convinced myself that my actions caused this. That I am the one to blame. I want to cry but why should I be allowed to grieve over something that I caused?

It’s all my fault.

#my story #tw miscarriage #tw seizure #tw sucidal thoughts #the royal romance #trr #wacky drabbles #liam x riley

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