#<- had no concept of what a normal range of motion was and didn't realize i was already very hypermobile

[catastrophic-crow]

page break bc ranting abiut medical issues

my eye feels like a cracked egg. or an overripe grape ot something. be nice if i could just pluck it out and stick it in yhe fridge. for a few hours. and put it back later and have it be perfectly fine.

in general i really wish i could detach body parts when i'm not using them. or don't want yhem. (stunningly, this. isn't even about dysphoria. ig it would help with that too tho.) like. i'm literally just sitting here. i don:y need to have my legs rn. they're long and annoying and i can't find a comfortavle way to put them and my hips keep subluxing along with my knee and my ankles feel like they've been filled with acid. (ty percy jackson for the excellent descriptir <333) they're like probably 60 pounds or more of meat and bone and pain. and for what? i dont need legs to sit here.

alas, we are made kf meat, and the flesh is not so easily sculpted. don't get me wring. i love my body as you love a precious and cherished pet. but a lot of my problems would be much alleviated if i just had parts that i coukd disconnect ot replace as desired. at worst, i would at least have different problems. i'm sick of these ones ;-;

like. fuck. my legs don't do that mucb for me kn general and rn especialy they really aren'y making a strong case for keeping them on. even when my joints arent falling out of olace at the slightest provication—it's not like i havent gotten concussions from POTS and fainting and landing badly. fuckkkkk. i could be so much more comfy and in so much less pain if i could just take them off until i really need them.

you ever wish yku coukd take your eyeballs out for a while? just—notnhave to deal eith them for a bit.

at least one of them. i could do eoth only having my left eye for a frw hours if it neant my right eye would chill tf out and stop hurting so much

[unkillability]

aight.....they got my teeth...........& they WOULDNT LET ME KEEP EM :'''( ........

description of wht i did under the influence below

doing well now but since I have a paradoxical reaction to versed (& other benzodiazepines) & DO NOT get sedated by them they also used ketamine along with the propofol & versed, which causes double vision, which i mention bc was the first thing i noticed upon waking up, (& since the concept of rabies is never far from my mind) i connected 'double vision' to 'rabies' & kept saying (around gauze)

'it must suck to have rabies. like it would suck for obvious reasons bc you die but double vision is annoying Rabies Must F*cking Suck'

& since the versed was still wearing off i was in partybitch mode & laughing at the walls & making an ungodly about of noise & while overall having the Time Of My Life even though my mom & the nurse/tech didn't want me to 'disturb the other patients' whatever That meant, & then i switched gears to talking about the Lion King, for some unknown reason, which included me saying ' im mufasa. im f*cking mufasa.' repeatedly & since i was worried i wasnt being understood i was emphasizing this by making clawing motions & growling. (in retrospect i realize i meant SCAR not mufasa bc thats who i was picturing but i forgot his name)

somewhere in the middle i also called myself a prophet??

note that i was swearing, a lot, like a lot a lot, which is something i DONT do around family. my family swears & so do i, i mean im 20, feral, but i don't swear around them.

but that REALLY hit the fan when a doorbell rang for something in the back of the building. & it was like. a normal ding dong doorbell. which i must've felt to be out of place, because i fixated on that

'what the sh!t - was that a doorbell?? was that a F*CKING DOORBELL? why is there a GODDAMN NORMAL DOOR BELL IN HERE. WHAT THE F*CK.' & i just kept going man - i wasn't... pissed....i thought it was funny.

the nurse told my mom '[theyre] about to start crying....mark my words..' & i was so pissed & kept going 'why would i fucking cry im fucking fantastic??, im mufasa?' i did not cry & was nowhere close to it.

i asked the nurse her name like....5 times...& Everytime she told my i was going 'thankyou. THANK YOU.THANKOUO SO MUCH. thank You so much.', & would shake her hand , over & over again.

right as she was helping me up/taking out my iv i got back onto the topic of rabies & she was doing that thing where nurses like...smile & go along with w/e bullshits coming outta someones mouth as they come to. & she went like

'so youve had rabies then? bc u know abt the double vision?'

which set me off on 'wtf thats NOT what im saying how could i have ever had rabies bc if u start to show symptoms it's too late & youll die. ive just READ ABT IT & i know double vision is part of it . the only way someone can possibly survive is if theyre lucky enough to have a dr try the Milwaukee protocol on them which is rlly only worked a handful of times i think & it's where-',

*i proceeded to try & explain the Milwaukee Protocol in a 3x normal speaking volume trying to talk above the gauze, which is bad, naturally, & everyone kept trying to make me stop talking, but i didnt shut up till i got home & inhaled a bowl of panera broccoli & cheddar soup.*