#<- chronically undervalues his time work effort and feelings

[exopelagic]

turns out my supervisor is?? impressed??? with my work so far??? how do I keep getting away with this??

[soncfseed]

reposted from my old blog

i want to post some links so people can better understand what bpd is and what a personality disorder is and is not. then, i’ll do a quick rundown of the 9 bpd symptoms and which ones ethan has/displays and how they manifest for him.

here is a quick ref of some common misconceptions about the disorder. tldr version: a lot of people think bpd isnt real, or that people with bpd are just crazy assholes but its a legitimate mental health problem that has multiple factors including ones that seem to be genetic and environmental.

a personality disorder is defined by the mayo clinic as: “a type of mental disorder in which you have a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking, functioning and behaving. A person with a personality disorder has trouble perceiving and relating to situations and people. This causes significant problems and limitations in relationships, social activities, work and school. In some cases, you may not realize that you have a personality disorder because your way of thinking and behaving seems natural to you.” basically, its not that a person has a bad personality in terms of poor character or is intentionally acting in a way that may seem irrational or explosive, but rather that the person has functional differences in how their brain reacts to things. personality is defined as:  “the combination of thoughts, emotions and behaviors that makes you unique. It’s the way you view, understand and relate to the outside world, as well as how you see yourself.” it isn’t just behaviour nor is it something people consciously control 100% of the time. borderline personality disorder has been linked to physical differences in the brain and its functioning, particularly of neurotransmitters and brain chemicals similar to mood disorders like depression. it is a type of neurodivergence, not a skewed moral compass, a choice, or something that people with bpd typically enjoy. the symptoms are very stress inducing and cause a lot of turmoil for the affected person, and when poor coping skills have been ingrained and then create further stress or complications in the person’s life, particularly in interpersonal relationships.

ok now we’re gonna hit the 9 symptoms and 4 domains of bpd and how ethan fits into it. the dsm-5 requires 5 symptoms out of 9 for a person to be diagnosed with bpd. ethan displays, in my opinion, 8/9 symptoms and would be a candidate for diagnosis in my experience.

domain a - emotional regulation 1) “Affective (emotional) instability including intense, episodic emotional anguish, irritability, and anxiety/panic attacks” ✅ generally, this is episodes of intense sadness, anger, irritability, insecurity and self doubt for ethan. he doesnt usually have anxiety or panic attacks, but he has had a few in extremely stressful situations. his symptoms of an anxiety attack tend to lean more towards irritability and emotional outbursts.

2) “Anger that is inappropriate, intense and difficult to control”  ✅ while ethan does become rightfully frustrated when the captain returns the book, the fact that he has what seems like a minute long complete meltdown including hitting/smashing objects, that would be a good example of the kind of situationally inappropriate anger and displays of temper ethan has. his anger spikes rapidly and it makes it hard to control his actions at times.

3) “Chronic feelings of emptiness”  ✅ while we don’t necessarily see this explicitly in game, i’d argue that’s part of his experience of bpd. he often feels a lack of purpose, a lack of self, and substitutes that with his role as the leader of new eden.

theres additional symptoms described as such: “In addition, if you suffer from borderline disorder, you may also experience emotional hyper-reactivity (“emotional storms”),  or emotional responses that are occasionally under- reactive, and frequent episodes of loneliness, and boredom. “ ethan definitely experiences emotional storms, and episodes of loneliness particularly. thats amplified by the fact that hes not particularly close to anyone in new eden besides maybe the judge. between a lack of substantial interpersonal ties with his community and his disorder, his episodes of loneliness are often very intense and distressing.

domain b - harmful impulsive behaviors 4)  “Self-damaging acts such as excessive spending, unsafe and inappropriate sexual conduct, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating”  ✅ ethan deals with this to an extent, but not these specific self damaging behaviours. for ethan, its usually not eating or not sleeping for periods of time, or going on particularly dangerous missions to find the book. hunting also serves as an adrenaline rush, but because it sustains new eden its less impulsive than it is an acceptable way of spending a day

5) “Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-injurious behavior such as cutting or hitting yourself.”  ❌ ethan has suicidal ideations, but doesn’t have a history of engaging in self harm or suicide attempts.  

though not an explicit symptom, dangerous impulsivity that affects the self or others is a common symptom, and one ethan does deal with. his decision to turn new eden over to the highwaymen was in part spurred by his impulsive thinking and behaviour.

domain c - perceptions of self and others 6) “A markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of yourself (your perceptions of yourself, your identity)”  ✅ ethan definitely experiences shifts in this realm. this is part of why he ties himself so strongly to his identity as the leader of new eden in light of his poor relationship with his father (which will come up again). when that is threatened, it sends him spiraling because of his unstable self image. this applies to ethan’s image of himself as a person morally, his worth relative to others, and even how he feels about his body and appearance.

7) “Suspiciousness of others thoughts about you, and even paranoid ideation, or transient and stress related dissociative episodes during which you feel that you or your surroundings appear unreal.”  ✅ ethan is absolutely suspicious of others and it goes beyond his learned suspicion of outsiders that all of new eden seems to have. he is particularly suspicious of his father, and of people within his own community. some of this is completely rational, but it often extends beyond that. he experiences, in my hc, dissociative episodes and bouts of depersonalization where parts of his body don’t feel real or don’t feel attached to him/belonging to him.

“Other symptoms in this Domain include split- or “all-or-nothing” thinking, difficulty “pulling” your thoughts together so they make sense, and rational problem solving, especially in social conflicts.” ethan deals with all of these issues generally speaking. this is in part why his decision to burn down new eden was so extreme; he has difficulty at times with regulating what is rational and what is not (and making nuanced decisions), particularly when under extreme emotional duress like during an explosive emotional episode or mood swing.

domain d - unstable relationships 8)  “You may engage in frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.”✅ this is part of why he looked so hard for the book, why he pushes himself so hard to be the leader of new eden and why he turns on them so aggressively at the end. sometimes this can manifest as lashing out, a way to “get them before they get me” mentality. he has particularly strong responses to feeling abandoned or ignored.

9) “Your relationships may be very intense, unstable, & alternate between the extremes of overidealizing and undervaluing people who are important to you.” ✅ this is definitely something ethan struggles with, especially with his father. this is also why he was willing to let new eden burn and its people suffer with it. he had swung too far back from feeling rejected that went completely into “new eden bad”, undervaluing everyone there to the point that he was able to rationalize destroying the place at the expense of the people who lived there.

none of this is meant to excuse his poor decision making, but in the context of my hc for him, it explains why he can act so irrationally at times, and so extremely. in reality, people with bpd are more likely to hurt themselves through self harm, suicide attempts, impuslive behavior, and self destructive behavior. ethan seed is 1) not a real person and 2) living under some very intense and unusual circumstances with probably the WORST person to parent someone with bpd, joseph “i talk to god and he says your soul is tainted” seed. he also doesn’t know he has a disorder and doesn’t have the knowledge or resources to get mental health treatment for his disorder. as it stands, however, he’s made some pretty bad and pretty horrible decisions, and at times can be a bad person. this doesn’t mean, however, that he is 100% bad or always awful, or that bpd is the sole cause of his behaviours. it isnt. lots of people (including myself) have bpd and we haven’t been directly or indirectly responsible for the deaths of anyone; we’ve never burned down our hometowns or tried to get our fathers killed. ethan’s display of bpd is more of a tool to explain and contextualize his behavior and character rather than to condemn him, condone him, or excuse his actions.

tldr ethan has bpd and so do i thanks 4 listening to my ted talk

[lapenpalclub]

Snail Mail Is Getting People Through This Time

Letter writing has helped people meaningfully connect during this period of isolation, grief and unrest.

Snail Mail is Getting People Through This Time by Tove Danovich for The New York Times

Brianca Hadnot’s high school students in Houston started writing letters the day after George Floyd was killed.

“They felt unheard,” Ms. Hadnot, 30, said. “They can’t vote.”

As protests gained momentum around the country, she worried about them attending and possibly being tear gassed or shot with rubber bullets. Writing, she said, was another way the students could take action against police brutality.

“A letter is one of the most undervalued but important ways of expressing yourself,” said Ms. Hadnot, who teaches sophomore literature and writes under the name Brianca Jay. “It doesn’t have to be perfect or written with the best grammar and semantics and flowery prose. It just has to be you.”

The students, with help from other community members, have written 75 letters so far, addressed to elected officials including local legislators and the president of the United States.

Snail mail has taken on fresh resonance in this period of isolation, grief and unrest. Sympathy cards are selling out as the coronavirus’s toll continues to rise. Constituents are mailing in primary election ballots and addressing handwritten notes to local officials with compliments and complaints. (In some cities, they may also be sending letters to the police.) Many more are writing postcards to friends and loved ones, and calling for the United States Postal Service to be saved from its dire financial straits.

First-class mail has been a declining category for the Postal Service for over a decade. It will be a few months before the service publishes statistics on mail volumes for April and May, but it did see “significantly higher product sales” of items including stamps in April, according to a representative. A Postal Service survey whose results were published in May found that one in six consumers had sent more mail to family and friends during the pandemic.

Kenzie Myer, 21, said that she wasn’t a letter writer before the pandemic, which forced her to leave a study-abroad program in London and return to her home in Pennsylvania.

“I came back and hadn’t seen any of my friends from my home school,” Ms. Myer, a rising senior at Arcadia University, said. “I started sending them letters.” Most of them open with a disparaging line about her “garbage handwriting,” she said, then become more personalized.

For a friend whose 21st birthday passed in lockdown, she wrote about how she couldn’t wait to celebrate in person. For her partner, who lives in Australia, she writes “a lot of sappy stuff” and smears the page with roller-ball perfume. She posts her correspondents’ responses on her bedroom wall near her desk.

“Even though I can’t see the people that I love, they’re sending love back my way,” Ms. Myer said.

Justin Hodges, 46, moved to Chicago three years ago and soon received a postcard from a local candidate. “This was not some soulless mass production,” he said. “Someone took the time to spell my name correctly and draw stars and hearts. It’s more personal.”

Eventually Mr. Hodges, a former flight attendant and now self-described “stay-at-home cat dad,” started writing postcards for her campaign as a volunteer and then for an organization that encourages people in swing states to vote. Over the last month, he has written 500 postcards that will be sent to Wisconsin voters closer to the general election in November.

The coronavirus has made many people realize just how important the Postal Service is, Mr. Hodges said, even as it feels like it’s under siege. “We’ve gone to this online society, but letters encourage voter turnout and civic engagement. They’re warm and personal — tangible.”

When Laura Stanfill, 44, is ready to send out her weekly batch of letters, she and her 12-year-old daughter walk to the mailbox near their home in Portland, Ore. “We’ve made this ‘just the two of us’ walks. We wear our masks, and she complains about her mask and we talk,” she said.

On April 13, Ms. Stanfill’s best friend of over 30 years died of complications from Covid-19. She sent out sympathy cards. “Then I wanted to send more,” said Ms. Stanfill, who is a writer and the publisher of Forest Avenue Press. She started collaging cards with paper scraps and magazine clippings and sending them to friends, family and acquaintances alike.

“All this letter writing and card making is a way forward in my grief,” Ms. Stanfill said. In addition to the cards, she’s also exchanging “letters” with a pen pal by filling up a single notebook passed back and forth across the country. “We’re centered at home, and to be able to share something and send something to a person we can’t see feels really important.”

That sentiment seems to bridge generations. In Los Angeles, Ronan Bowie, 4, has enjoyed receiving riddles from his grandmother in Tucson, Ariz., by mail. “We’d have to wait a few days for the answer to arrive,” said Ronan’s father, Soren Bowie, 37. “That got him excited about the mail in a way he’d only been with packages before.”

Ronan started exchanging letters with his best friend from school. “I miss you” may be the only text in these letters, which are full of a lot of drawings and stickers. “They see each other on Zoom sometimes,” said Mr. Bowie, who is a writer. “But for a child, I think there’s something much more tangible to a thing you hold and have to find a place for in your house.”

“People’s worlds are really small, and the ways they used to connect with people aren’t really working,” said Christianna Wincek, 35. “When I was working full-time, mail was a chore,” she said, full of bills and things she didn’t want to deal with. “When I started spending the bulk of time at home, mail became an event.”

Ms. Wincek, a textile designer, has been home in Portland and unable to work since December because of chronic illness. That’s when she started writing letters: to friends and to people in assisted living facilities through a nonprofit called Letters Against Isolation.

Letters have also become part of an effort at home schooling for Katie Case, 41, who lives just outside of New Orleans and runs a real estate agency. She posted on Facebook asking people in her network to send their addresses if they wanted a letter from her son Henry, 4, who punches them out on the typewriter he asked for as a Christmas present last year. Most of them are short and written on Post-it notes or pieces of paper only a little bigger.

Ms. Case writes a companion note for each of her son’s letters, noting that between the small pieces of paper and typed words, “it looks a bit like a ransom letter.” In a letter to Ms. Case’s family friends who live by the beach,” Henry wrote simply: “Do you love sea monsters?” To a nearby friend whom Ms. Case described as her son’s “lady love,” he wrote: “You are lava girl. I am a talented electric rattlesnake with fire. I love you.”

People have sent thoughtful replies to Henry, who so far has shown less interest in receiving mail than sending it. “I’m saving them all, obviously,” Ms. Case said. “I think one day he’ll realize what a special thing this is.”

[sofiaalaro]

Essential Workers

As the corona virus continues to spread , essential workers are putting their lives at risk to keep taking care of themselves and families financially. Most of the economy has been laid off to put a stop to the spread of this virus, however many working from grocery shops or other big companies that are still functioning cannot afford this luxury.This time can be used for essential workers to demand more from their employers, before we being talking about their current situation here are some terms that will be useful : 

Key Term #1: Individualism 

The habit or principle of being independent and self-reliant.

Key Term #2: Collectivism 

The practice or principle of giving a group priority over each individual in it.

Key Term #3: Essential Workers 

A dedicated and industrious workforce can be the key factor for consumers. 

Why is Covid- 19 Serving as empowerment for essential Workers? 

“ As the self-quarantined would be able to tell you, being completely on your own isn’t generally a good feeling. It’s bad enough when life is normal, but the pandemic is giving the non-wealthy a raw, undiluted taste of what “there is no society” really means. It means poor people can die an “honorable death” in service of the economy. Workers in “essential” jobs, which tend to be hourly and poorly paid, are risking their lives and those of their family members for $12 an hour, $10 an hour, $7.25 an hour.”

This particular part of the article is significant because before the pandemic , what are now considered essential workers were not seen with the same respect or honor. Workers are really risking their lives to make a living and take care of themselves and or their families.Its unfortunate that people that are doing so much for society now might not even get the respect or treatment they deserve from their own employer. 

“You can bet that these chronically undervalued workers are having a common experience right now that’s unprecedented in American history: the simultaneous realization that all of their bosses are more than willing to trade their lives for money. And workers are starting to question why, if they’re so essential, their lives and paychecks are so cheap. They’re realizing that they’re the foundational Jenga blocks, without which the tower would fall. The “essential” designation is a blueprint for which workers, if they got together and withdrew at the same time, could completely topple the country.”

The article highlights that essential workers aren't treated or seen as essential by their employers. Due to this pandemic now more than ever their work and effort is being overlooked by their employers.Their still getting paid very little, however now these workers have an advantage. They play a huge role with their services , without them there companies would stumble. The article is suggesting that now is a perfect time for workers to demand better payment , and treatment. 

“But American workers are starting to remember the power of togetherness.Every year for the past few years has had a record-breaking number of strikes and walkouts. And it’s coalescing into something we haven’t seen before this pandemic, like the organized walkouts at multiple Amazon warehouses and fast-food franchises simultaneously. There was even a work stoppage by Instacart shoppers and drivers who, like all gig-economy workers, are independent contractors not technically allowed to collectively bargain.”

Now more than ever employees are demanding more from companies. Before people would walk out in protest , but with the pandemic people are demanding better treatment in different ways. It's important for workers to remain together to achieve the better treatment they deserve. With this pandemic workers are given a new type of power because they are truly essential with the changes that have risen. 

Big Questions Moving Forward 

What can big companies such as Walmart or Amazon do to treat their employees better ?

Moving forward big companies should give their employees better pay, and more benefits. Some companies are giving their employees minimum wage , and for employees that have been there for a long period of time the raises are little to none. In order for big companies to keep their employees satisfied and well taken care of they must increase pays and benefits. 

Should employees use the pandemic as a way to demand more from big companies? Or should they wait till the situation is better ?

I believe workers should demand more from employers now. They are risking too much for such little pay and long hours. Like the article stated without these workers companies would fall and society would be an even bigger mess. Right now is the perfect time for workers to make their employers realize that without them the companies cannot keep standing strong. 

This week I interviews two essential workers to see how much their life has changed due to this pandemic. Their jobs differ a lot and due to this pandemic they have been impacted extremely differently. One of my friends works for his dad's company as a supervisor, while the other one works in Walmart as a cashier. Both of my friends have been working for the companies over a year, and have witnessed how much things have changed upon this pandemic. 

Question 1: What are the main responsibilities in your job ?

 ( Lucas Garcia ) ‘’ My job consists of building/ framing  apartments and houses. I make sure workers know what their tasks for the days are, as well as that their equipment is functioning properly. ‘’

( Edgar Macias ) “Making sure the customers have all the items that they need for themselves or their families.”

 Question 2: What did your typical week look like before this pandemic? How often would your work , how many hours , how many workers etc. ? 

 ( Lucas Garcia ) “There are usually two groups , 6 people in each group. So in total there were 12 employees , and each one group would work at a different job site. The typical work week for us was Monday through Sat. On weekdays we would from 7 - 5 and on Saturdays from 8 - 12 so workers would work full time. Before this pandemic we were finishing two big projects and looking into starting 3 news ones. “

( Edgar Macias ) “Before I wouldn't  work as often as I  do now I would work  3 - 4 times a week . I would work about 6 hours on weekdays after school and about 8 hours on the weekend.”

What does your typical week look like now ? Hows there been cuts in personnel , an increase in hours ?

 ( Lucas  ) “When the stay at home order was placed the first two weeks we were working our regular hours finishing the projects. We had to get a permit in order for workers to get to the job site without getting in trouble with the police. Now we don't work the same hours because new projects aren't opening. Sometimes we work 2-3 times a week at best, and two of our employees have quit. “

( Edgar ) “There hasn't been a huge increase in hours unless your personally request them, but supervisors definitely encourage you sometimes to stay longer to help with lines or cleaning up your area in order to ensure that the person using the register next is safe. There haven't been cuts in personnel , in fact the number of employees have doubled. The store manager wants to make sure that all registers are open so we can get people in and out quickly. “

What has been the biggest change you have noticed in your job thus far?   

( Lucas ) “ The biggest change has been the difference of the hours we were working. From working more than 40 hours a week to working less than two has put a lot of the workers in budget and looking for other ways to make money to support themselves and their families.In the job sites that are still open we don't have  enough supplies, and supply shipments take longer to arrive than before. In the job we now have to keep 6 ft from each other and we have to wear face masks and gloves at all times, as a supervisor I have to make sure the workers are following these precautions otherwise I have to write them up. “ 

( Edgar ) “ The biggest change I've noticed so far is the amount of customers in my job. Most days are really busy. Now as employees we have to wear mask , gloves, and before clocking in we have to come in though a certain door and have our temperature checked .A glass wall has also been added to our registers in case customers aren't wearing face masks and now we have placed restrictions on certain items , and store hours.” 

What do you find the most challenging change to be with this pandemic ?  

( Lucas ) “ The reduction in hours has been really challenging as well as  trying to take care of the people working for me. Trying to give them as much hours as possible, while making sure that them being in the job isn't their life at risk. “ 

( Edgar) “  The most challenging thing for me has been trying to make sure that I don't get sick. My family needs the money , but also me working in a place where hundreds probably thousands of people come and go everyday has put me at a high risk of getting infected. “  What do you think your job will continue to look like once the economy opens and we head back to a sort of normality? 

( Lucas ) “ I hope once the economy opens again , new projects will open or at least we will have more material. I definitely will be more considerate of the people that I work with because we have gotten closer due to this pandemic. “ 

( Edgar ) “  I think my job will continue to look the same working long hours for little pay. Hopefully Walmart treats its employees better. I also think precautions should still remain, employees should still wear face mask and gloves. “ 

To conclude , essential workers are putting too much on the line for them to barely be making a living. Despite all that is going on around the world they remain at work in order take care of themselves and their loved ones. The least that big companies could do is take care of their employees. 

[vsplusonline]

Indian doctors want UK PM to scrap ‘unfair’ surcharge as health service battles Covid-19

New Post has been published on https://apzweb.com/indian-doctors-want-uk-pm-to-scrap-unfair-surcharge-as-health-service-battles-covid-19/

Indian doctors want UK PM to scrap ‘unfair’ surcharge as health service battles Covid-19

Indian doctors working within the UK’s state-funded National Health Service (NHS) have written to British Prime Minister Boris Johnson to scrap an unfair and discriminatory surcharge imposed on foreign doctors, many of whom are working round the clock to combat the coronavirus pandemic that has infected over 9,500 people in the country.

The Immigration Health Surcharge (IHS), introduced in April 2015, is imposed on anyone in the UK on a work, study or family visa for longer than six months in order to raise additional funds for the NHS.

In the Budget earlier this month, Indian-origin UK Chancellor Rishi Sunak announced that the charge would be further hiked from 400 pounds to 624 pounds per year.

We believe that this surcharge is discriminatory and unfair, as the overseas workers are already paying their due share of National Insurance contributions, superannuation and income tax, reads the letter sent to Johnson on Wednesday by the British Association of Physicians of Indian Origin (BAPIO), which has been lobbying against the IHS for many years.

We request you to remove the health surcharge with immediate effect. The NHS has been in a workforce crisis for several years, but now with the COVID-19 pandemic, there has never been a worse time for an overstrained service, and we require all the help we can get to meet the challenges, appeals the letter, signed by BAPIO President Ramesh Mehta, chair J S Bamrah and Secretary Professor Parag Singhal.

They believe that the health surcharge not only adds a significant financial burden on new arrivals but also makes them feel “undervalued”, and it proves a disincentive to BAPIO”s recruitment drives from India.

By removing this, the government will demonstrate the genuineness of their caring attitude towards frontline staff, the letter notes.

It comes just as thousands of retired Indian-origin doctors and nurses began answering the UK government’s call to return to the NHS as the health service comes under considerable strain, with over 9,500 positive cases of COVID-19 and the country’s death toll from the deadly virus rising to 465.

These are exceptional and extraordinary times and we are here to assist the health service as much as possible. We are advising our recently retired doctors to return to work, of course with the provision that if any of them are unwell or have a chronic illness they must follow the government advice and self isolate, said Mehta.

The UK has an estimated 60,000 doctors of Indian-origin working within the NHS, often referred to as the backbone of the country’s health service.

Among the recently retired, at least a couple of thousand are likely to be of Indian-origin, with a further estimated 10,000 in long-term retirement who are also being rallied to assist in whatever capacity possible.

During his weekly briefing from 10 Downing Street on Wednesday evening, Johnson issued a special thank you to these returning medics and the nearly 405,000 people who have volunteered to support the NHS.

To all of you, and all the former NHS staff who are coming back now into the service, I say thank you on behalf of the entire country,” he said.

The effort was also lauded by MPs in the House of Commons before Parliament closed its session on Wednesday, earlier than planned for its Easter break to comply with the strict social distancing rules amid a near-lockdown and stay at home government order in an effort to try and control the rapid spread of the pandemic.

ALSO READ: Stay at home: Britain imposes lockdown to combat spread of coronavirus

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[foursprout-blog]

This Is How To Make Emotionally Intelligent Friendships: 6 Secrets

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/this-is-how-to-make-emotionally-intelligent-friendships-6-secrets/

This Is How To Make Emotionally Intelligent Friendships: 6 Secrets

***

Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my first book become a Wall Street Journal bestseller. To check it out, click here.

***

We all want good, close friends. Problem is, while high school sure had gym class, it didn’t have “Emotional Intelligence 101.”

So what part of emotional intelligence is critical for friendships? Emotional intimacy.

From Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship:

Sociologist Ray Pahl states that friendships today are based primarily on trust and emotional intimacy.

So what is emotional intimacy?

From Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship:

Emotional intimacy is the experience of being deeply connected to another person who knows and understands your most important feelings and who shares his or her own with you.

Yeah, that sounds nice but it’s still at Hallmark Card levels of pleasant vagueness. So we can probably recognize the concept better by looking at its opposite.

From Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship:

If there were a label for this problem in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, it might read something like “Emotional Intimacy Deficiency—a problem characterized by a sense of shallowness in one’s relationships with others, associated with a failure to recognize or express feelings, to reveal personal details about oneself, to be vulnerable or let anyone help you, to comfortably share attention or let go of control, and to listen without having to solve a problem.”

This won’t shock you at all, but research shows men are far worse at this than women. Both sexes can certainly struggle, but this is a department where men really lag behind.

And that causes a lot of problems for men. Serious problems. Not just unfulfilling relationships — it’s more akin to a chronic emotional illness that affects every area of life.

From Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship:

(Men who lack emotional intimacy) take longer to recover from minor illnesses, have lower resistance levels, and have reduced survival times when diagnosed with terminal illness. They are 50 percent more likely to have a first-time heart attack, and twice as likely to die from it, than men with strong social ties. When depressed, these men have significantly lower rates of recovery than those who have close relationships… Wives who cite their husband’s “emotional unavailability” as the primary cause of divorce initiate two out of every three divorces today. At the far end of the life cycle, older men without close relationships have 20 percent lower ten-year survival rates compared with those who do.

That said, women’s friendships aren’t perfect either. We’re going to dive into the research and see the most common ways both sexes struggle with friendship, what they can do about it, and how they can learn from each other to improve.

So how do you increase emotional intimacy and build emotionally intelligent friendships? It comes down to six steps. Let’s get to it…

  1) “Know Thyself”

The thing everybody skips. Knowing yourself means you know what you want and need, and this is critical for both picking new friends and strengthening existing relationships.

How many friends would you optimally have? What level of closeness do you need? How frequently do you want to communicate? You want to ask yourself, “What features of a friendship will be most fulfilling to me in the long run?”

Research shows this is critical for women. We live in a world largely run by men, so women know they need close friendships to provide the things their often-male-dominated-environments don’t give them.

From Buddy System:

By forming relationships with a group of women, women escape having their relationships defined by men’s way of interacting. By defining relationships for themselves, women are able to construct them in a way that is more consistent with their own beliefs.

So take some time to think about what you want and need. (No, that 2 seconds between sentences doesn’t count. Really sit down and take a half hour and think. And write stuff down.)

If you just rely on serendipity to bring you friendships and to move them forward, well, that’s what got you where you are now. Time to be a little more deliberate.

(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my new book here.)

So before we go to work on developing emotional intimacy, let’s find out what’s been getting in the way of it. In the modern world, what’s the biggest obstacle to adult friendships?

  2) Make The Time

Actually, you can’t “make time.” We all have 24 hours in a day. The more accurate thing to say is “make time with your friends a priority.” What friendships need to grow intimate and strong is hours.

What are the most common friendship fights about? Time commitments.

Via Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are:

Daniel Hruschka reviewed studies on the causes of conflict in friendship and found that the most common friendship fights boil down to time commitments. Spending time with someone is a sure indicator that you value him; no one likes to feel undervalued.

And the research shows this is where men make a big mistake. Whether it’s due to the longer hours men spend working or simply not making friendship the priority that women do, guys often don’t put in the time.

From Buddy System:

From the responses, it appears women were less apt to say they did not have time for friends. Although the majority (60%) of men say they have enough friends, 40% do not have enough or are unsure, a greater number than the women. It may be that some men are pulled by work and cannot find the time to balance friends, work, and family.

Unsurprisingly, in adulthood the biggest thing that takes away friend-time is family-time. And while no blogger in his right mind would ever type, “You should spend less time with your family,” he might be able to get away with saying something like the far more acceptable, “Balance is critical.”

Research has shown that in the modern era we have become far too reliant on spouses to provide all of our emotional needs — and that simply doesn’t work. So what’s a feasible solution?

Including friends in family time is not only a way to kill two birds with one stone, it also improves both relationships.

Via Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are:

Most intriguing was how couples rated their own relationships more positively after interacting with other pairs. Married partners fall into routine interactions and often fail to make the effort to entertain and please as they did when they were winning each other over. Putting your best self forward for new friends allows you to shine and to see your partner through new eyes as she shines, too. Maintaining older mutual friendships also strengthens the bond between long-term partners: Having people around who think of the two of you as a unit, who admire your relationship, and who expect you to stay together can sustain you through times of doubt or distance.

So you want to make friendships a priority and give them the time they need to become emotionally intimate. And if you’re lacking hours, invite friends to join you for family time.

(To learn how to make friends easily, click here.)

Okay, so you know what you want and you’re making pals a priority. But which of your friends do you need to focus on building emotional intimacy with?

  3) Must, Trust, Rust, And Just

Looking at the research, the types of friends that men and women have fall into the same four categories: must, trust, rust and just.

“Must” friends: The inner circle. The closest of the close.

“Trust” friends: Not inner circle, but people you trust, share confidences with and know are there for you.

“Rust” friends: They’re pals simply because you’ve known them a long time. (If it had more than that, they’d be “must” or “trust.”)

“Just” friends: Closer than acquaintances and you may see them regularly with a group, but you’re not tight with them and don’t have a big shared history.

What’s critical here when it comes to emotional intimacy is those “must” friends. And “trust” friends are important because they can, with work, be promoted to “must” friends.

First and foremost, you want to work on strengthening those “must” friendships and devoting more time to them. And you want to evaluate which of your “trust” friends meet with your “know thyself” criteria and might be worthy of elevation. “Rust” and “just” friends are good for rounding out your social circle but should receive less attention and investment.

(To learn more about the types of friends everyone needs, click here.)

What’s the first step in strengthening those “must” and “trust” friends — or finding totally new ones?

  4) Be Proactive

You’re going to need to do some legwork. You need to be proactive and initiate contact.

And you need to make concrete plans. I live in Los Angeles and in this city saying, “We should get together sometime” is pretty much synonymous with, “I have no intention of ever seeing you again.”

Specify places and times or your friendships will be determined by serendipity, which is the euphemism lazy people use for “dumb luck.”

The optimistic angle here is that if you’re being passive you can pretty much be certain other people are being passive too. So if you lead, some will follow. Organize a group, throw a party, or just invite a friend to coffee.

And what should you look for when meeting new folks who might become future “must” or “trust” friends? All the research agrees: similarity is key. Not only does it draw us to people, it also makes friendships more likely to last.

From Buddy System:

Similarities also occur when tastes and interests match up, and similarities make friendships easier to maintain. And, unless you are interested in hanging out with people who make you feel bad about yourself (not a good interest to have), finding someone who conveys that you are likeable to them will be very reinforcing to your self-esteem.

Beyond similarity, you should also look for people you want to learn something from. Since you took the time to sit down and “know thyself,” think about the person you want to be. Your best self.

Who do you want to rub off on you? To make you a better spouse, parent, worker or human being?

(To learn more about how to make friends as an adult, click here.)

Okay, you know what you want, you’re making time, and you’re proactive. So what’s the real key to developing emotional intimacy with your friends?

  5) Communication

Yeah, you hear “communicating is vital” constantly from experts but few ever break it down so you know how to actually do it. (These experts must not be good communicators.)

You want to focus on four primary elements: creating safety, vulnerability, emotional expressiveness, and active listening.

Creating safety: Is my friend going to feel comfortable opening up to me? Am I being too judgmental? Or, at the opposite extreme, too nosy and pushy?

Vulnerability: Are you sharing personal thoughts and feelings with them? Reciprocity is powerful and this is vital to helping both of you. Quick litmus test: are you scared to talk about the subject? Then you’re being vulnerable.

Emotional expressiveness: Don’t just talk thoughts. Talk feelings. Yours and theirs. (Guys, if you’re recoiling at this, you’re proving the point that you need to work on it.)

Active listening: Good listeners don’t just hear; they make the other person feel heard. Nod, acknowledge, and summarize what your friend said for confirmation. As former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss advises, if they respond “Exactly” — you’re doing it right.

Women are much better at this than men. They spend more time communicating and focus more on emotional support.

From Buddy System:

When asked the question concerning what they did with their friends, giving emotional support also was more common for women than for men.

Much of male communication is teasing the other guy (which, taken too far, is the opposite of safety.) Men feel being vulnerable is the worst thing they can do (and to be fair, the cultural ideal of the “strong, silent type” and phrases like “man up” aren’t helping any.) Males are taught not to be expressive. And guys tend to focus on problem-solving instead of listening during conversations.

From Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship:

We have found in our Friendship Labs that men are often willing to trade zingers and even enjoy mutual sparring, but only in limited doses. And while most will put up with it, they definitely will not open up when it’s coming at them.

That, said women face challenges here too. Because they are taught to put others at ease and say supportive things, the issue of trust can become a problem: “Does she really mean what she’s saying, or is she just being nice?”

From Buddy System:

Sociologist Lillian Rubin cites one woman as saying that, because women are so expressive and afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, compliments are never assumed to be true. “‘How can I believe she means I look good when she says it automatically, every time I see her?’”

The solution for both sexes is, you guessed it, more and deeper communication. Doing the things necessary to make the other person feel safe — and then vulnerably discussing tough subjects gently and respectfully.

(To learn more about how to handle the most difficult of conversations, click here.)

So you have the tools to build emotional intimacy. But once you have it, how do you keep a solid friendship alive?

  6) Upkeep

Friendships require upkeep, like a plant. Yes, some friends are succulents that require little watering but you’re probably forgetting all the ones that turned brown and ended up in the trash.

You need to stay in regular contact. Research shows for solid friendships, every 2 weeks is the minimum. In general, women are much better at this than men.

From Buddy System:

Women maintain friendships largely through communication and staying in frequent contact… In contrast, only 10% of the men maintained friendships through frequent contact…

But ladies face problems as well. Due to the amount of communication and openness, women are more likely to damage their friendships than men. Survey results show women were more likely to say they lost a friend because of something they said or did (65% vs 50% for men.)

That said, women are more likely to make efforts to repair damaged friendships, while men are more likely to let the relationship dissolve.

So women might want to put more effort in to not getting offended. And given how difficult it can be for men to make “must” friends, they should learn from the ladies and make more attempts to fix a troubled friendship rather than just moving on.

(To learn how neuroscience can teach you to be more emotionally intelligent, click here.)

Alright, we’ve learned a lot. Time to round it all up and see how all this leads to a more meaningful life…

  Sum Up

This is how to make emotionally intelligent friendships:

Know thyself: To get the friendships you want, you have to know what you want.

Make time: More accurately, make it a priority. We all waste time. So, uh, just don’t waste time alone.

Must, Trust, Rust, Just: The first two are key. Strengthen the “must” and try to elevate the “trust.”

Be proactive: In case you need confirmation, waiting for the phone to ring does not, in fact, make the phone ring.

Communication: Create safety, be vulnerable, be emotionally expressive and use active listening. And a sincere compliment never hurt either, beautiful.

Upkeep: You’re not too busy to send a text message every two weeks. If you think you’ll forget, put it in your calendar.

Research shows your friends often know you better than you know yourself. So not only does being closer to friends make your life better, it’s also the path to getting to know yourself better.

So do what it takes to improve your relationships with friends and you’ll also improve the one relationship that’s key to happiness in life…

The one you have with yourself.

Join over 320,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email here.

Related posts:

New Neuroscience Reveals 4 Rituals That Will Make You Happy

New Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More Successful

How To Get People To Like You: 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior Expert

The post This Is How To Make Emotionally Intelligent Friendships: 6 Secrets appeared first on Barking Up The Wrong Tree.

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This Is How To Make Emotionally Intelligent Friendships: 6 Secrets

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/this-is-how-to-make-emotionally-intelligent-friendships-6-secrets/

This Is How To Make Emotionally Intelligent Friendships: 6 Secrets

***

Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my first book become a Wall Street Journal bestseller. To check it out, click here.

***

We all want good, close friends. Problem is, while high school sure had gym class, it didn’t have “Emotional Intelligence 101.”

So what part of emotional intelligence is critical for friendships? Emotional intimacy.

From Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship:

Sociologist Ray Pahl states that friendships today are based primarily on trust and emotional intimacy.

So what is emotional intimacy?

From Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship:

Emotional intimacy is the experience of being deeply connected to another person who knows and understands your most important feelings and who shares his or her own with you.

Yeah, that sounds nice but it’s still at Hallmark Card levels of pleasant vagueness. So we can probably recognize the concept better by looking at its opposite.

From Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship:

If there were a label for this problem in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, it might read something like “Emotional Intimacy Deficiency—a problem characterized by a sense of shallowness in one’s relationships with others, associated with a failure to recognize or express feelings, to reveal personal details about oneself, to be vulnerable or let anyone help you, to comfortably share attention or let go of control, and to listen without having to solve a problem.”

This won’t shock you at all, but research shows men are far worse at this than women. Both sexes can certainly struggle, but this is a department where men really lag behind.

And that causes a lot of problems for men. Serious problems. Not just unfulfilling relationships — it’s more akin to a chronic emotional illness that affects every area of life.

From Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship:

(Men who lack emotional intimacy) take longer to recover from minor illnesses, have lower resistance levels, and have reduced survival times when diagnosed with terminal illness. They are 50 percent more likely to have a first-time heart attack, and twice as likely to die from it, than men with strong social ties. When depressed, these men have significantly lower rates of recovery than those who have close relationships… Wives who cite their husband’s “emotional unavailability” as the primary cause of divorce initiate two out of every three divorces today. At the far end of the life cycle, older men without close relationships have 20 percent lower ten-year survival rates compared with those who do.

That said, women’s friendships aren’t perfect either. We’re going to dive into the research and see the most common ways both sexes struggle with friendship, what they can do about it, and how they can learn from each other to improve.

So how do you increase emotional intimacy and build emotionally intelligent friendships? It comes down to six steps. Let’s get to it…

  1) “Know Thyself”

The thing everybody skips. Knowing yourself means you know what you want and need, and this is critical for both picking new friends and strengthening existing relationships.

How many friends would you optimally have? What level of closeness do you need? How frequently do you want to communicate? You want to ask yourself, “What features of a friendship will be most fulfilling to me in the long run?”

Research shows this is critical for women. We live in a world largely run by men, so women know they need close friendships to provide the things their often-male-dominated-environments don’t give them.

From Buddy System:

By forming relationships with a group of women, women escape having their relationships defined by men’s way of interacting. By defining relationships for themselves, women are able to construct them in a way that is more consistent with their own beliefs.

So take some time to think about what you want and need. (No, that 2 seconds between sentences doesn’t count. Really sit down and take a half hour and think. And write stuff down.)

If you just rely on serendipity to bring you friendships and to move them forward, well, that’s what got you where you are now. Time to be a little more deliberate.

(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my new book here.)

So before we go to work on developing emotional intimacy, let’s find out what’s been getting in the way of it. In the modern world, what’s the biggest obstacle to adult friendships?

  2) Make The Time

Actually, you can’t “make time.” We all have 24 hours in a day. The more accurate thing to say is “make time with your friends a priority.” What friendships need to grow intimate and strong is hours.

What are the most common friendship fights about? Time commitments.

Via Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are:

Daniel Hruschka reviewed studies on the causes of conflict in friendship and found that the most common friendship fights boil down to time commitments. Spending time with someone is a sure indicator that you value him; no one likes to feel undervalued.

And the research shows this is where men make a big mistake. Whether it’s due to the longer hours men spend working or simply not making friendship the priority that women do, guys often don’t put in the time.

From Buddy System:

From the responses, it appears women were less apt to say they did not have time for friends. Although the majority (60%) of men say they have enough friends, 40% do not have enough or are unsure, a greater number than the women. It may be that some men are pulled by work and cannot find the time to balance friends, work, and family.

Unsurprisingly, in adulthood the biggest thing that takes away friend-time is family-time. And while no blogger in his right mind would ever type, “You should spend less time with your family,” he might be able to get away with saying something like the far more acceptable, “Balance is critical.”

Research has shown that in the modern era we have become far too reliant on spouses to provide all of our emotional needs — and that simply doesn’t work. So what’s a feasible solution?

Including friends in family time is not only a way to kill two birds with one stone, it also improves both relationships.

Via Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are:

Most intriguing was how couples rated their own relationships more positively after interacting with other pairs. Married partners fall into routine interactions and often fail to make the effort to entertain and please as they did when they were winning each other over. Putting your best self forward for new friends allows you to shine and to see your partner through new eyes as she shines, too. Maintaining older mutual friendships also strengthens the bond between long-term partners: Having people around who think of the two of you as a unit, who admire your relationship, and who expect you to stay together can sustain you through times of doubt or distance.

So you want to make friendships a priority and give them the time they need to become emotionally intimate. And if you’re lacking hours, invite friends to join you for family time.

(To learn how to make friends easily, click here.)

Okay, so you know what you want and you’re making pals a priority. But which of your friends do you need to focus on building emotional intimacy with?

  3) Must, Trust, Rust, And Just

Looking at the research, the types of friends that men and women have fall into the same four categories: must, trust, rust and just.

“Must” friends: The inner circle. The closest of the close.

“Trust” friends: Not inner circle, but people you trust, share confidences with and know are there for you.

“Rust” friends: They’re pals simply because you’ve known them a long time. (If it had more than that, they’d be “must” or “trust.”)

“Just” friends: Closer than acquaintances and you may see them regularly with a group, but you’re not tight with them and don’t have a big shared history.

What’s critical here when it comes to emotional intimacy is those “must” friends. And “trust” friends are important because they can, with work, be promoted to “must” friends.

First and foremost, you want to work on strengthening those “must” friendships and devoting more time to them. And you want to evaluate which of your “trust” friends meet with your “know thyself” criteria and might be worthy of elevation. “Rust” and “just” friends are good for rounding out your social circle but should receive less attention and investment.

(To learn more about the types of friends everyone needs, click here.)

What’s the first step in strengthening those “must” and “trust” friends — or finding totally new ones?

  4) Be Proactive

You’re going to need to do some legwork. You need to be proactive and initiate contact.

And you need to make concrete plans. I live in Los Angeles and in this city saying, “We should get together sometime” is pretty much synonymous with, “I have no intention of ever seeing you again.”

Specify places and times or your friendships will be determined by serendipity, which is the euphemism lazy people use for “dumb luck.”

The optimistic angle here is that if you’re being passive you can pretty much be certain other people are being passive too. So if you lead, some will follow. Organize a group, throw a party, or just invite a friend to coffee.

And what should you look for when meeting new folks who might become future “must” or “trust” friends? All the research agrees: similarity is key. Not only does it draw us to people, it also makes friendships more likely to last.

From Buddy System:

Similarities also occur when tastes and interests match up, and similarities make friendships easier to maintain. And, unless you are interested in hanging out with people who make you feel bad about yourself (not a good interest to have), finding someone who conveys that you are likeable to them will be very reinforcing to your self-esteem.

Beyond similarity, you should also look for people you want to learn something from. Since you took the time to sit down and “know thyself,” think about the person you want to be. Your best self.

Who do you want to rub off on you? To make you a better spouse, parent, worker or human being?

(To learn more about how to make friends as an adult, click here.)

Okay, you know what you want, you’re making time, and you’re proactive. So what’s the real key to developing emotional intimacy with your friends?

  5) Communication

Yeah, you hear “communicating is vital” constantly from experts but few ever break it down so you know how to actually do it. (These experts must not be good communicators.)

You want to focus on four primary elements: creating safety, vulnerability, emotional expressiveness, and active listening.

Creating safety: Is my friend going to feel comfortable opening up to me? Am I being too judgmental? Or, at the opposite extreme, too nosy and pushy?

Vulnerability: Are you sharing personal thoughts and feelings with them? Reciprocity is powerful and this is vital to helping both of you. Quick litmus test: are you scared to talk about the subject? Then you’re being vulnerable.

Emotional expressiveness: Don’t just talk thoughts. Talk feelings. Yours and theirs. (Guys, if you’re recoiling at this, you’re proving the point that you need to work on it.)

Active listening: Good listeners don’t just hear; they make the other person feel heard. Nod, acknowledge, and summarize what your friend said for confirmation. As former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss advises, if they respond “Exactly” — you’re doing it right.

Women are much better at this than men. They spend more time communicating and focus more on emotional support.

From Buddy System:

When asked the question concerning what they did with their friends, giving emotional support also was more common for women than for men.

Much of male communication is teasing the other guy (which, taken too far, is the opposite of safety.) Men feel being vulnerable is the worst thing they can do (and to be fair, the cultural ideal of the “strong, silent type” and phrases like “man up” aren’t helping any.) Males are taught not to be expressive. And guys tend to focus on problem-solving instead of listening during conversations.

From Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship:

We have found in our Friendship Labs that men are often willing to trade zingers and even enjoy mutual sparring, but only in limited doses. And while most will put up with it, they definitely will not open up when it’s coming at them.

That, said women face challenges here too. Because they are taught to put others at ease and say supportive things, the issue of trust can become a problem: “Does she really mean what she’s saying, or is she just being nice?”

From Buddy System:

Sociologist Lillian Rubin cites one woman as saying that, because women are so expressive and afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, compliments are never assumed to be true. “‘How can I believe she means I look good when she says it automatically, every time I see her?’”

The solution for both sexes is, you guessed it, more and deeper communication. Doing the things necessary to make the other person feel safe — and then vulnerably discussing tough subjects gently and respectfully.

(To learn more about how to handle the most difficult of conversations, click here.)

So you have the tools to build emotional intimacy. But once you have it, how do you keep a solid friendship alive?

  6) Upkeep

Friendships require upkeep, like a plant. Yes, some friends are succulents that require little watering but you’re probably forgetting all the ones that turned brown and ended up in the trash.

You need to stay in regular contact. Research shows for solid friendships, every 2 weeks is the minimum. In general, women are much better at this than men.

From Buddy System:

Women maintain friendships largely through communication and staying in frequent contact… In contrast, only 10% of the men maintained friendships through frequent contact…

But ladies face problems as well. Due to the amount of communication and openness, women are more likely to damage their friendships than men. Survey results show women were more likely to say they lost a friend because of something they said or did (65% vs 50% for men.)

That said, women are more likely to make efforts to repair damaged friendships, while men are more likely to let the relationship dissolve.

So women might want to put more effort in to not getting offended. And given how difficult it can be for men to make “must” friends, they should learn from the ladies and make more attempts to fix a troubled friendship rather than just moving on.

(To learn how neuroscience can teach you to be more emotionally intelligent, click here.)

Alright, we’ve learned a lot. Time to round it all up and see how all this leads to a more meaningful life…

  Sum Up

This is how to make emotionally intelligent friendships:

Know thyself: To get the friendships you want, you have to know what you want.

Make time: More accurately, make it a priority. We all waste time. So, uh, just don’t waste time alone.

Must, Trust, Rust, Just: The first two are key. Strengthen the “must” and try to elevate the “trust.”

Be proactive: In case you need confirmation, waiting for the phone to ring does not, in fact, make the phone ring.

Communication: Create safety, be vulnerable, be emotionally expressive and use active listening. And a sincere compliment never hurt either, beautiful.

Upkeep: You’re not too busy to send a text message every two weeks. If you think you’ll forget, put it in your calendar.

Research shows your friends often know you better than you know yourself. So not only does being closer to friends make your life better, it’s also the path to getting to know yourself better.

So do what it takes to improve your relationships with friends and you’ll also improve the one relationship that’s key to happiness in life…

The one you have with yourself.

Join over 320,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email here.

Related posts:

New Neuroscience Reveals 4 Rituals That Will Make You Happy

New Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More Successful

How To Get People To Like You: 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior Expert

The post This Is How To Make Emotionally Intelligent Friendships: 6 Secrets appeared first on Barking Up The Wrong Tree.