#<- billy um Fell overboard. as it were

[intertexts]

yeowwwwwchhhhhhhhhh

[gaysparklepires]

27. Human

Read on AO3

I didn’t get very far before driving became impossible.

When I couldn’t see anymore, I let my tires find the rough shoulder and rolled slowly to a stop. I slumped over on the seat and allowed the emotions I’d fought in Jacob’s room crush me. It was worse than I’d thought—the force of it took me by surprise. Yes, I had been right to hide this from Jacob. It would have made everything infinitely worse if he saw this.

But I wasn’t alone for very long—just exactly long enough for Alice to see me here, and then the few minutes it took him to arrive. The door creaked open, and he pulled me into his arms.

At first, it was worse. Because there was a part of me that craved a different set of arms. A part of me that was fighting to become the dominant part. So then there was fresh guilt to season the pain.

He didn’t say anything, he just let me sob until I began to blubber out Charlie’s name.

“Are you really ready to go home?” he asked doubtfully.

I managed to convey, after several attempts, that it wasn’t going to get better anytime soon. I needed to get past Charlie before it got late enough for him to call Billy.

So he drove me home—for once not even getting close to my truck’s internal speed limit—keeping one arm wrapped tightly around me. The whole way, I fought for control. It seemed to be a doomed effort at first, but I didn’t give up. Just a few seconds, I told myself. Just time for a few excuses, or a few lies, and then I could break down again. I had to be able to do that much. I scrambled around in my head, searching desperately for a reserve of strength.

There was just enough for me to quiet the sobs—hold them back but not end them. The tears didn’t slow. I couldn’t seem to find any handle to even begin to with those.

“Wait for me upstairs,” I mumbled when we were in front of the house.

He hugged me closer for one minute, and then he was gone.

Once inside, I headed straight for the stairs.

“Beau?” Charlie called after me from his usual place on the sofa as I walked by.

I turned to look at him without speaking. His eyes got wide and he lurched to his feet.

“What happened? Is Jacob…?” he demanded.

I shook my head furiously, trying to find my voice. “He’s fine, he’s fine,” I promised, my voice low and husky. And Jacob was fine, physically, which is all Charlie was worried about at the moment.

“But what happened?” He grabbed my shoulders, his eyes still anxious and wide. “What happened to you?”

I must look worse than I’d imagined.

“Nothing, Dad. I… Jacob and I had to talk about… some things that were hard. I’m okay.”

The anxiety calmed, and was replaced by disapproval mingled with concern.

“Was this really the best time?” he asked.

“Probably not, Dad, but I didn’t have any alternatives—it just got to the point where I had to choose… Sometimes, there isn’t any way to compromise.”

He shook his head slowly. “How did he handle it?”

I didn’t answer.

He looked at my face for a minute, and then nodded. That must have been answer enough.

“I hope this doesn’t mess up his recovery.”

“He’s a quick healer,” I mumbled.

Charlie sighed.

I could feel the control slipping.

“I’ll be in my room,” I told him, shrugging out from underneath his hands.

“Okay, Beau,” Charlie agreed. “I’m sorry, kiddo. I know that couldn’t have been easy for you. Take as much time as you need, okay?”

I think I nodded, but I couldn’t be sure. I stumbled blindly to my room as my tears started pouring out even heavier than before.

Once in my room, I fought with the clasp of my necklace, trying to undo it with shaking fingers.

“No, Beau,” Edward whispered, capturing my hands. “It’s part of who you are.”

He pulled me into the cradle of his arms as the sobs broke free again.

The longest of days seemed to stretch on and on. I wondered if it would ever end.

The night dragged relentlessly, I tried to think back if it was the worst of them. At least someone was here to comfort me tonight, and that was something.

Charlie seemed to understand that I needed space, so he left me alone, though I was not quiet—he probably got no more sleep than I did.

My hindsight seemed unbearably clear tonight. I could see every mistake I’d made, every mistake we all made. Every bit of harm I’d done, the small things and the big things. Each pain I’d caused Jacob, each pain he’d caused me, every would I’d given Edward, and every wound he’d given me, all of them stacked up into neat piles that I could not ignore or deny.

And I realized that I’d been wrong all along about the magnets. It had not just been Edward and Jacob that I’d been trying to force together, it was the two parts of myself, the two halves of my heart—the half held by Edward and the half held by Jacob. Two halves of me. They existed in direct opposition to each other, even though they were exactly the same.

So much damage done.

Edward said little; he just held me on the bed and let me ruin his shirt, staining it with salt water.

It took longer than I thought it would for me to cry myself out. It happened, though, and I was eventually exhausted enough to sleep. Unconsciousness did not bring full relief from the pain, just a numbing, dulling ease, like medicine. Made it more bearable. But it was still there; I was aware of it, even asleep, and that helped me make the adjustments I needed to make.

The morning brought with it, if not a brighter outlook, at least a measure of control, some acceptance. Instinctively I knew that this tear in my heart would always ache. That this fracture was just going to be a part of me now. Time would make it easier—that’s what everyone always said. But I didn’t care if time healed me or not, so long as Jacob could get better. Could be happy again.

When I woke up, there was no disorientation. I opened my eyes—finally dry—and met his anxious gaze.

“Hey,” I said. My voice was hoarse. I cleared my throat.

He didn’t answer. He watched me, waiting for it to start.

“No, I’m fine,” I promised. “That won’t happen again.”

His eyes tightened at my words.

“I’m sorry that you had to see that,” I said. “That wasn’t fair to you.”

He put his hands on either side of my face.

“Beau… are you sure? Did you make the right choice? I’ve never seen you in so much pain—“ his voice broke on the last word.

“Pain is a part of being human,” I said softly.

“But…”

“I’m sure, Edward.” I touched his cool lips. “What Jacob and I had—what we could have had—would have been great. Amazing, even. But we both understand that we aren’t meant to be… not in this life, anyway. This life is mine and yours, Edward. You’re who I choose.” I took a deep, slightly shaky breath. “I can only hope that some day Jacob finds someone who loves him the way he deserves to be loved.”

“Beau, I can’t stand for you to be miserable. Maybe…”

“No, Edward. There’s a part of me that’s always going to love Jacob Black, and that’s just something you’ll have to learn to accept. But I love you, and I choose to be with you. I fell in love with you first, after all.” I tried to smile, but it took more effort than it should.

Edward wrapped his arms around me. “I love you.” He whispered into my hair.

“I love you. I know what I want and what I need… and what I’m going to do now.”

“What are we going to do now?”

I smiled just a bit at his correction, and then I sighed. “We are going to go see Alice.”

Alice was on the bottom porch step, too hyper to wait for us inside. She looked about to break into a celebration dance, so excited was she about the news she knew I was there to deliver.

“Thank you, Beau!” she sang as we got out of the truck.

“Hold it, Alice,” I warned her, lifting up a hand to halt her glee. “I’ve got a few limitations for you.”

“I know, I know, I know. August thirteenth is the date, you have veto power on the guest list, and if I go overboard on anything, you’ll never speak to me again.”

“Oh, okay. Well, yeah. You know the rules, then.”

“Don’t worry, Beau, it will be perfect. Do you want to see your tuxedo?”

I laughed. “Sure.”

Alice’s smile was smug.

“Um, Alice,” I said, blinking, “When did you get me a tuxedo?”

Edward squeezed my hand, smiling.

Alice led the way inside, heading for the stairs. “These things take time, Beau,” Alice explained. Her tone seemed… evasive. “I mean, I wasn’t sure things were going tto turn out this way, but there was a distinct possibility…”

“When?” I asked again.

“Perrine Bruyere has a waiting list, you know,” she said, defensive now. “Fabric masterpieces don’t happen overnight. If I hadn’t thought ahead, you’d be wearing something off the rack!”

It didn’t look like I was going to get a straight answer. “Per—who?”

“He’s not a major designer, Beau, so there’s no need to get too worked up. He’s got promise, though, and he specializes in custom tuxedos which was exactly what I needed.”

“I’m not getting worked up.”

“No, you’re not.” She eyed my calm face suspiciously. Then, as we walked into her room, she turned on Edward.

“You—out.”

“Wait, why?” I asked.

“Beau,” she groaned. “You know the rules. He’s not supposed to see until the day of!”

I chuckled softly. “It doesn’t matter to me. And you know he’s already seen it in your head. But if that’s how you want it…”

She shoved Edward back out the door. He didn’t even look at her—his eyes were on me, wary, afraid to leave me alone.

I nodded, hoping my expression was tranquil enough to reassure him.

Alice shut the door in his face.

“All right!” She muttered. “C’mon.”

She grabbed my wrist and towed me to her closet—which was bigger than my bedroom—and then dragged me to the back corner, where a long black garment bag had a rack all to itself.

She unzipped the bag in one sweeping movement, and then slipped it carefully off the hanger. She took a step back, holding her hand out to the tuxedo like she was a game show hostess.

“Well?” she asked breathlessly.

I appraised it for a long moment, playing with her a bit. Her expression turned worried.

“Ah,” I said, and I smiled, letting her relax. “I see.”

“What do you think?” she demanded.

I couldn’t help but smile widely at the tuxedo.

“It’s perfect, of course. Exactly right. You’re a genius.”

She grinned. “I know.”

“Nineteen-eighteen?” I guessed.

“More or less,” she said, nodding. “Some of it is my design, the coat, the waistcoat…” she turned and pulled something off a nearby shelf and showed it to me. “The cufflinks are vintage,” she smiled, opening the box. “Do you like it all?”

“It’s beautiful, Alice. Just right for him.”

“But is it just right for you?” she insisted.

“Yes, I think it is. I think it’s just what I need. I know you’ll do a great job with this… if you can keep yourself in check.”

She beamed.

“Can I see your dress?” I asked.

She blinked, her face blank.

“Didn’t you order your bridesmaid dress at the same time? I wouldn’t want my maid of honor to wear something off the rack.” I pretended to wince in horror.

She threw her arms around my waist. “Thank you, Beau!”

“How could you not see that one coming?” I teased, kissing her hair. “Some psychic you are!”

Alice danced back, and her face was bright with fresh enthusiasm. “I’ve got so much to do! Go play with Edward. I have to get to work.”

She dashed out of the room, yelling, “Esme!” as she disappeared.

I followed at my own pace. Edward was waiting for me in the hallway, leaning against the wood-paneled wall.

“That was very, very nice of you,” he told me.

“She seems happy,” I agreed.

He touched my face; his eyes—too dark, it had been so long since he’d left me—searched my expression minutely.

“Let’s get out of here,” he suddenly suggested. “Let’s go to our meadow.”

It sounded very appealing. “I guess I don’t have to hide out anymore, do I?”

“No. The danger is behind us.”

 He was quiet, thoughtful, as he ran. The wind blew on my face, warmer now that the storm had really passed. The clouds covered the sky, the way they usually did.

The meadow was a peaceful, happy place today. Patches of summer daisies interrupted the grass with splashes of white and yellow. I lay back, ignoring the slight dampness of the ground, and looked for pictures in the clouds. They were too even, too smooth. No pictures, just a soft, gray blanket.

Edward lay next to me and held my hand.

“August thirteenth?” he asked casually after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

“That gives me a month till my birthday. I figured I should give Alice some time to throw everything together, but I also didn’t want to cut it too close.”

He sighed. “Esme is three years older than Carlisle — technically. Did you know that?”

I shook my head.

“It hasn’t made any difference to them.”

My voice was serene, a counterpoint to his anxiety. “My age is not really that important. Edward, I’m ready. I’ve chosen my life—now I want to start living it.”

He stroked my hair. “The guest list veto?”

“I don’t care really, but I…” I hesitated, not wanting to explain this one. Best to get it over with. “I’m not sure if Alice would feel the need to invite… a few werewolves. I don’t know if… Jake would feel like… like he should come. Like that’s the right thing to do, or that I’d get my feelings hurt if he didn’t. He shouldn’t have to go through that.”

Edward was quiet for a minute. I stared at the tips of the treetops, almost black against the light gray of the sky.

Suddenly, Edward grabbed me around the waist and pulled me into his chest.

“Tell me why you’re doing this, Beau. Why did you decide, now, to give Alice free rein?”

I repeated for him the conversation I had with Charlie last night before I’d gone to see Jacob.

“It wouldn’t be fair to keep Charlie out of this,” I concluded. “And that means Renée and Phil. I might as well let Alice have her fun, too. Maybe it will make the whole thing easier for Charlie if he gets his proper goodbye. Even if he thinks it’s much too early, I wouldn’t want to cheat him out of the chance to walk me down the aisle.” I laughed, picturing it to myself. “At least my mom and dad and my friends will know the best part of my choice, the most I’m allowed to tell them. They’ll know I chose you, and they’ll know we’re together. They’ll know I’m happy, wherever I am. I think that’s the best I can do for them.”

Edward held my face, searching it for a brief time.

“Wedding’s off,” he said abruptly.

“What?” I gasped. “You’re backing out? No!”

“I’m not backing out, Beau. I’m just letting you off the hook. Whatever you want to do, however you want to do it.”

“Why?”

“Beau, I see what you’re doing. You’re trying to make everyone else happy. And I don’t care about anyone else’s feelings. I only need you to be happy. Don’t worry about breaking the news to Alice. I’ll take care of it. I promise she won’t make you feel guilty.”

“But I —”

“No. We’re doing this your way. Because my way doesn’t work. I call you stubborn, but look at what I’ve done. I’ve clung with such idiotic obstinacy to my idea of what’s best for you, though it’s only hurt you. Hurt you so deeply, time and time again. I don’t trust myself anymore. You can have happiness your way. My way is always wrong. So.” He shifted under me, squaring his shoulders. “We’re doing it your way, Beau. Tonight. Today. The sooner the better. I’ll speak to Carlisle. I was thinking that maybe if we give you enough morphine, it wouldn’t be so bad. It’s worth a try.” He gritted his teeth.

“Edward, no—“

He put his finger to my lips. “Don’t worry, Beau, love. I haven’t forgotten what else you wanted—what we wanted.”

His hands were in my hair, his lips moving softly — but very seriously — against mine, before I realized what he was saying. What he was doing.

There wasn’t much time to act. If I waited too long, I wouldn’t be able to remember why I needed to stop him. Already, I couldn’t breathe right. My hands were gripping his arms, pulling myself tighter to him, my mouth glued to his and answering every unspoken question his asked.

I tried to clear my head, to find a way to speak.

He rolled gently, pressing me into the cool grass.

Oh, never mind! my less noble side exulted. My head was full of the sweetness of his breath.

No, no, no, I argued with myself. I shook my head, and his mouth moved to my neck, giving me a chance to breathe.

“Stop, Edward. Wait.” My voice was as weak as my will.

“Why?” he whispered into the hollow of my throat.

I labored to put some resolve into my tone. “I don’t want to do this now.”

“Don’t you?” he asked, a smile in his voice. He moved his lips back to mine and made speaking impossible. Heat coursed through my veins, burning where my skin touched his.

I made myself focus. It took a great deal of effort just to force my hands to free themselves from his hair, to move them to his chest. But I did it. And then I shoved against him, trying to push him away. I could not succeed alone, but he responded as I knew he would.

He pulled back a few inches to look at me, and his eyes did nothing to help my resolve. They were black fire. They smoldered.

“Why?” he asked again, his voice low and rough. “I love you. I want you. Right now.”

The butterflies in my stomach flooded my throat. He took advantage of my speechlessness.

“Wait, wait,” I tried to say around his lips.

“Not for me,” he murmured in disagreement.

“Please?” I gasped.

He groaned, and pushed himself away from me, rolling onto his back again.

We both lay there for a minute, trying to slow our breathing.

“Tell me why not, Beau,” he demanded. “This had better not be about me.”

I laughed.

“No, my beautiful idiot, this is about me.”

He looked at me, confused.

I took a deep breath, and I stood up.

“We’re doing this the right way. Because it’s how I want to do it. I want to give Charlie and Renée the satisfaction of seeing me married. I want Alice to have her fun. I want to have a wedding. I want to tie myself to you in every human way possible… Because I’m choosing me. I’m choosing to be human, Edward.”

His eyes widened, and he stood with me. “I don’t understand, you said you didn’t want to cut it too close…”

“Well, I don’t want people making a big fuss about a wedding anniversary and my birthday all in one month. I might explode.”

“But, what about giving Charlie a proper goodbye?” He asked, his eyes blazing.

“I’m going to be moving out, either way. Be it for college, or getting married, or whatever. I want Charlie to know I’m being taken care of. I want everyone to know what I chose. I’m choosing you, Edward—but I’m choosing to stay human.”

He wrapped his arms around my waist and I smiled.

“This wasn’t just a choice between you and Jacob. It was a choosing the right path for me. I’ve faced death and loss and pain in your world. But, I’ve also never felt stronger, more real, more… myself. Because it’s my world, too, Edward. It’s where I belong.” I smiled at him. “But I belong in it exactly as I am. Human. Because that’s how I’ve faced it so far, and how I’ll face it from now on.”

He smiled down at me, wistful. “If you change your mind…”

“You’ll be the first to know,” I promised.

The rain started to drop through the clouds just then, a few scattered drops that made faint thuds as they struck the grass.

I stared up into the sky, smiling widely.

“I’ll get you home.” He brushed the tiny beads of water from my cheeks.

“Rain’s not the problem,” I sighed. “But it does mean that it’s time to go do something that will be very unpleasant and possibly even highly dangerous.”

His eyes widened in alarm.

“It’s a good thing you’re bulletproof.” I teased. “I’m going to need that ring. It’s time to tell Charlie.”

He laughed with me now. “Highly dangerous,” he agreed. He laughed again and then reached into the pocket of his jeans. “But at least there’s no need for a side trip.”

He once again slid my ring into place on the third finger of my left hand.

Where it would stay—for the rest of my human life.