#<- IT LOOKS LIKE A VIDEO GAME CONTROLLER BUT ITS SUPPOSED TO BE A SNIPER RIFLE

[dailyslmccl]

Abortion pony slimecic- *gets shot

[#161] target neutralised

[foap-enjoyer]

Drugging | Sick | Poisoned

Sick.

'Soap thinks he's got just a simple cold. Nope. Anyway, cue blizzard safehouse one bed trope because I'm lazy'

Trigger warnings for this prompt: Vomit. Ships for this prompt: Sort of the start of Ghoap? Ghost is very affectionate, more or less.

The one my lovely tumblr people voted on all those days ago! :)

Read it here, on AO3: Ouch. - Chapter 5 - Tsukuyomi_Ravioli - Call of Duty (Video Games) [Archive of Our Own]

~

Missions in Russian mountains were becoming way too common. 

At least, that’s what Soap thought.

There were positives to mountain missions, he supposed. There were positives to everything. A beautiful view; clean, fresh, untouched air. Sometimes, on long missions, he would even see rare wildlife, animals which had never seen a human before. They would peer at him through the brush, eyes bright and curious. Sometimes, some would even come over, eat a bite of whatever he had on offer before scrambling away. He liked those pros.

But the cons? Well those fucking sucked. The cold, firstly. The cold sucked- oh, and don’t forget the lack of signal, which meant no far-lined comms, no phones, no nada. Just him, his team, and a shit ton of snow, usually for days at a time. It could drive even the most social of men insane.

Oh, and to top it off, as a little added bonus for this mission, because that’s just how he rolls- he was sick. Not super sick, mind you. It’d started off as a cold, when he’d woken up pre-mission. At least, he assumed it was. Itchy throat, ugly cough, his usual first symptoms. 

In his childhood, he would have curled up into a tiny, sniffling ball and let his mammy hold him, and soothe the pain away just with her touch. But now, he was a fully grown man. A grown man who worked in a job that, unlike being a student in school, would not tolerate a day off. Especially for something as small as a cold.

So, brushing his teeth, tying his laces, and grabbing his bag, he went out to face the day head on. Like a soldier would.

~

He really wished he was still seven, still at home with his mum.

This… cold was no fucking cold. This was a parasite worming its way into every orifice of his body, a disease spreading through his blood, an alien forcing itself inside his chest, taking control of every nerve and joint and muscle until he was nothing but mush.

Fucking cold his ass. If this was a cold, maybe it was time to retire, because he clearly was getting too old for this shit.

The harshness of the Russian wilderness didn’t help his case one bit. 

They’d landed at their respective drop-off points. Price and Gaz were on the complete opposite side of the mountains to him and Ghost, and the plan was to meet in the middle, where he and Gaz would infiltrate the government-owned set of buildings as Price and Ghost ran overwatch on the outskirts. A simple enough plan, until the blizzard hit.

“You’re telling me that higher-ups can plan entire wars to a T, if they wanted to, but they can’t check the fucking weather?”

That was Gaz, voice static-y through the comms. He sounded pissed, and of course he was, he was allowed to, given their situation. Hell, Soap was too. Price sighed, and Soap could imagine him rolling his eyes at the younger man, “There’s nothing we can do about it, Sergeant, so quit whining. Ghost?”

Ghost was behind him, using his path through the heaps of snow surrounding them to guide himself, and his sniper-kit through the rocky terrain. He could hear the man grunt as he lugged the heavy bag over a large rock in their path. “Yeah, Cap?”

“There should be a little safehouse just a few klicks North of your position. Fancy taking a wander over there? Can’t do shit if this storm keeps up like this.”

Ghost grasped Soap’s shoulder, altering his course slightly up the hill, rather than downwards. Soap’s knees wobbled with exhaustion, but he didn’t have much of a choice. Back up they go. “We’ll take a look. What’re you two doing?”

“Cap’s looking now, says there’s a cave nearby.” Gaz huffed out a laugh, “At least you guys get an actual house.”

Soap chuckled softly, his teeth chattering together like a talkative parrot, “Send me a pic if you find a bear in there, Kyle, would you? You know they’re my favourite animal.”

“Will do, prick.”

The comms silenced soon after. Soap assumed it was because, like them, Gaz and Price were having to hike a while to get to their location. The mountains weren’t the steepest, deadliest of mountains, but in a blizzard as bad as this one, you needed full concentration. 

The wind was at its peak now, whistling through the canyons of the snowy wilderness, spiking him right through his clothing with its cold crystals of air and ice. If it weren’t for his deathly grip onto the passing uncovered roots of mountain-grown trees, he’s certain he would have fallen right off of the cliff-face by now. 

He felt numb, his whole body was ice-cold. He was trembling, at least, which was a good thing. Meant his body was still working. Ghost was still behind him, lagging behind slightly, preoccupied with lugging his bags as well as checking their location. When he’d last trusted himself enough to look back, the man had been busy checking a little grey piece of technology, the blue light reflecting in his snow-white mask. 

He knew that the little ipod-like thing hadn’t initially been supposed to be used to find this supposed safehouse, but rather help Ghost angle himself correctly when it came to overwatch protection. For later in the mission. At least higher-ups had been courteous enough to give them some form of direction in case of an emergency.

“Should be over this last hill!” Ghost startled him with his shout, even if he barely heard it over the wind. A hand clasped his shoulder when he stumbled, startled, and he could see a gloved finger in his peripheral, pointing in said direction. When Ghost spoke next, his voice was in his ear. “Through those trees.”

He nodded.

Another twenty, maybe thirty minutes, and they finally, finally came upon the house. If he was honest, it was more of a glorified shed, maybe. At least from a distance. No windows, one door, a little wooden building sat nestled between a few cut-down stumps of previous trees. Maybe the wood used to make it? Probably. 

The door had been locked, but a sharp boot to the lock had solved that issue. Their fingers were too numb to pick the lock anyway. 

Inside, it wasn’t too bad. There was a little fireplace, a sofa- actually no, it was a pullout sofa-bed, actually. In the other room, the only other room, a tiny kitchen. That was it, really. It wasn’t the worst safehouse he’d seen (he’d give that to the one he’d stumbled into, half stabbed, in Romania a few years back), but it wasn’t the best either. It didn’t even have a bathroom!

Ghost got to work as soon as the door was closed behind them. He shuffled forward, dumping his kit on the floor as he began shedding his clothes piece-by-piece, dumping them onto the back of the sofa-bed. He was in the middle of taking his shoes off before he peered up at Soap, confused. “Johnny?”

He blinked. “Yeah?”

“Clothes.”

He blinked again, before nodding, fingers trembling, fumbling for his coat’s zipper, “Yeah, gotcha.”

“No inappropriate joke today, Sergeant?”

He shook his head tiredly, “Too fuckin’ cold, LT.”

A soft huff of a laugh, and Ghost placed his boots against a nearby wall, tugging his soggy, icy mask off. Frost clung to his eyelashes, and calloused fingers rubbed at them. Once the majority of the white was gone from the hairs, Ghost’s eyes were on him again, eyebrow curled, “Soap?”

Oh. He was staring again. He shook his head, going back to fumbling with his stuff. “Sorry.”

If Ghost was worried, he didn’t say anything about it. “I’m gonna go look at the kitchen for some food.” He said instead, “You get the fire going when you can. You’re right, it’s fucking freezing.”

He watched as the man turned his back and waltzed into the kitchen. Which, technically, was simply an extension of the living room. All that separated them was a tiny archway, after all.

Once he finally got his coat off, and tossed onto the floor, was when his body began to fail him.

“Ghost…?”

“Yeah?” Ghost turned, peering at him from the other room, his eyes dark in the dim lighting of the safehouse. “What’s up?”

“I don’t…” He swallowed harshly. The room was beginning to spin violently, and he reached a hand out desperately to clutch onto the nearest object, that being the sofa. “I don’t feel so good…”

“Johnny?” Ghost’s voice was starting to fade out as he fought to keep himself upright. 

Something was buzzing under his skin, warm and itchy. Sweat pooled against his neck. He had been cold only a moment ago, freezing, even… What was wrong with him? “Simon?”

A hand on his shoulder, “I’m here.”

“I think…” His stomach coiled, and he squeezed his eyes shut with a soft hiccup, “‘m gonna be sick.”

“Alright, alright.” Simon’s hands wrapped around him, guiding him forward, towards the small kitchen. But as soon as his hand released its deathly grip on the sofa, Soap’s knees gave in. 

He would have hit the floor if it weren’t for Simon, who took his weight with a grunt, barely managing to move them forward off of carpet and onto tile before Soap vomited.

“Easy, Johnny,” He could hear Simon attempt to soothe as he retched, fully held up in the older man’s arms. He felt limp, boneless, “Easy.”

His world continued to spin violently as he heaved, the cold tile on his knees sharply contrasting the horrible burning sensation consuming him whole. He whimpered, trying to squirm away from the heat inside him. Simon just held him tighter. “It’ll be over soon.”

“I-” He retched again, dry heaving over a steadily growing pile of vomit. His eyes stung, and he choked on a sob. “Fuck-”

A hand pressed into his forehead. “You’re burning up…” Simon muttered softly, “Fuck, Johnny, why didn’t you tell me?”

He hiccuped, turning to press his head under the crook of Simon’s neck. He was crying, he could feel the familiar wet warmth soaking into the fabric of Simon’s shirt. He wanted to apologise, but breathing was hard enough at the minute. His hands, trembling, clutched onto Simon wherever he could get a good grip, circling around the man’s back, holding tight. 

He swore a kiss pressed into his hair. He swore it. “You’re alright, I got you.” Simon’s voice was firm, and yet it was laced with worry. They were both hardened soldiers, he shouldn’t be sobbing like this over a simple sickness. It had to be something more, right? After a moment,  “Do you still feel sick?”

He shook his head.

“Okay.” Simon took a moment to think, to breathe. Soap. “Okay. I’m going to move you to the sofa, and then clean this up. Think you can move?”

He shook his head again. His knees felt like jelly, if he got up, he’d most definitely fall right back down.

“It’s alright,” Simon murmured, “I’ll carry you.”

With a quick rearrange of arms, followed by a soft grunt, Simon lifted him up. Instinctively, Soap clutched close, squeezing his eyes shut once more as his head spun. As soon as Simon settled him onto the sofa only inches away, he brought a hand up to his mouth, dry heaving into his palm once more. No vomit, this time.

A hand rubbed at his back. “Easy.” A hand in his hair. He leaned against it tiredly as Simon helped him lean backwards onto the old cushions. “Just breathe. It’ll help.”

As soon as he was sitting comfortably, the hands were gone. His eyes cracked open, looking around. Simon had just… disappeared.

“Si’?” He croaked, anxiety coiling. He hadn’t heard him leave, where was he? “Right here.” A damp cloth touched his forehead, and moments later the man was back in view, kneeling down in front of him. A bowl was given to Soap, settled in his lap neatly. “If you’re sick again.”

“Oh.” He rasped. Yeah, of course Simon would think to go grab something. 

A glass of water was offered next. His hands reached out shakily to take it, but Simon didn’t let go, instead holding the glass steady as Soap brought it to his lips, taking small sips. He pulled it away a moment later. “Not too much.” He reminded Soap, “It’ll make you throw up.”

He hummed tiredly. “I know.”

“Now you’re not puking your guts up.” The glass was placed onto a nearby old, dusty coffee table. Simon’s eyes were on him not long after. “Care to explain why you thought it was a good idea to come out on a mission when you were feeling like shit?”

“I didn’t feel bad this morning.” Which was true. Sort of. It’d, mostly, come on suddenly. “Once I felt sick, we were already off.”

“You could’ve still told someone.” Simon’s voice was soft, but firm. “Price, Gaz, me, hell, even the pilots. Anyone, Soap.”

“Sorry.” He whispered tiredly. “Wasn’t thinking.”

“I can’t get a hold of Price.” That woke him a little. “Signal’s shit. Blizzard is practically snowing us in, I think.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.” Simon sighed, hand reaching up to brush some blonde, stray strands behind his ear. “But we’ve got a while before we’ll need to check back in. So, we’ll just hunker down. Feel like eating?”

He shook his head. Simon’s eyes softened. “You need to, Johnny.”

He shook his head again, eyes drooping slightly. “‘M tired.”

“Alright.” Simon relented, biting his lip. “Alright. I’ll… We can eat later?”

He nodded. That worked. 

“You take the sofa,” Simon went to move, “I’ll sleep on the floor.”

He reached out, grasping his wrist. “We can share.” He murmured, exhausted. “It’s a sofa-bed.”

“Yeah, like a single bed.” The older man huffed, “I can take the floor.”

He didn’t let go of the man’s wrist. Simon didn’t pull away, either. “Just sleep here.” He yawned, “‘S easier.”

There was a pause, before a soft; “You’re not gonna puke on me, are you?”

He chuckled, eyes already closed, “Only if you snore.”

[bbs-backlog-challenge]

Games Of 2020

Bet there’s gonna be loads of very trite retrospectives this year. 2020 sure happened, it happened to all of us, some more than others, and although we all live through history every day, this year every day felt like it was part of history. Video games!!! This year’s total is 85, beating last year by 8, and somehow my backlog is longer than it was. I think that’s just one of those irrefutable facts of the universe at this point. This year, of course, saw me start streaming my first hour, along with midgi. Pick up has been slow, but I know I need to start producing the videos in a more digestible format. Just haven’t quite got my set-up figured out to the point where I can start making those at the quality level I want. It’s coming. That’s for 2021! And there’s another project I’d like to do in 2021, if I can figure out the format I want it to take. Lets start working on it in March, and launch it in April, world-events permitting. Video games!

- Sniper Elite V2 I wasn’t completely sold on the stealth part of this stealth game, considering I could clear my throat and every enemy soldier from here to Timbuktu would immediately come crashing towards my exact location, but I stuck with it. ...Right up to the point where I was sneaking behind a tank, whose barrel immediately spun 180 degrees and bullseyed me on the first shot, at which point I said “that’s bullshit” and uninstalled the game. Yes, it was a ragequit, but life is too short to put up with marksman tanks. - Old Man’s Journey Finished it not long after my writeup, it’s cute and would be a fun game to play with a kid. Very storybook. A little sad at the end, but we expected that. - Ys Seven This game has some real trouble with its signposting. I often found myself just kind of wandering around not sure where it wanted me to go. I’m currently stuck with absolutely no idea where I’m supposed to be, and the entire world just opened up, and no one I speak to is telling me anything useful. Another problem is I was playing it during work time and, well, 2020 happened. Will probably pick it back up once work starts. - Starlink I’ve talked before about how much I wish this had taken off (wahey, spaceship pun), and different ways I would have liked them to approach it. Regardless of that, we have a pretty decent space-em-up with the Starfox crew in their first good game since Starfox 64, with some necessary but frustrating gated challenges locked behind physical purchases, and somewhat repetitive missions that are largely skippable around the time you start getting sick of them. Worth a punt, even if you’re just buying it for the (very nice) Arwing model. - Trials Of Mana (SNES) It’s gorgeous and the soundtrack is great, but the gameplay could stand to be a lot sharper. Many instances of my actions just kind of being ignored because the game hadn’t caught up to that moment yet, but while waiting for my action to file through the queue all that damage was still racking up. Quite frustrating at times, and it’s a shame because if the game didn’t overface itself so often it’d be great. Still enjoyable, but brace for a lot of “hey wtf that’s BS”. - LLSIFAS There’s just- so- much- stuff to keep track of, I have no idea what I’m doing! I don’t know what any of these stats do! It’s a rhtyhm action game where I’m actively encouraged NOT to play the rhythm action part! What on earth does Voltage mean! Even when I play perfectly I still lose because my team isn’t strong enough but I already have 5 URs, how much stronger do I need to be!? It didn’t work with me, is what I’m saying. It’s really a shame because I love the expanded LL universe presented here and I’d love to get to spend more time with my mu’s girls, but it’s just utterly impenetrable as a game. Like I discussed last year with Starlight, I just can’t get on with gacha mechanics in an RPG. - Punch Out Aahhh, my old knackered thumbs aren’t what they used to be. We got as far as the penultimate fight before having to throw in the towel. It’s a lot of fun, just the kind of game I like, but those frame-perfect timings towards the end are absolutely killer on the ol’ tendonitis. - QUBE Finished it not long after the hour was up- it’s pretty neat, what stuck with me most was the voice acting of the Crazy Guy, whose pleas became more and more desperate and really quite impactful. Very impressive performance from that man. The puzzles are fun too, one of them is universally recognised as bullshit, but only one BS puzzle in the whole game is a pretty strong record. - Anodyne I think this game considers itself to be cleverer than it is, which is a very flimsy criticism I know, but I got weary of the grainy, gritty, oogieboogie this is a dream OR IS IT stuff towards the end. Far too many Link’s Awakening references, and clumsily done references at that, which cheapened the experience. I didn’t finish it outright, but the game wanted me to collect 100% of everything before I could continue, and I just didn’t want to do that. *Shrug* - Operator Finished it during the hour! - Spyro/Spyro 2 These games aren’t really very good honestly? Spyro 2 is fine. Spyro 1 is very basic and the platforming isn’t too exciting. Buyer beware your nostalgia for these games might be rose-tinted. - Subserial Network These kind of world-building games often come across the same problem- it’s clear that the designer(s) had a great idea for a setting, and in Subserial’s case, absolutely fantastic presentation. It’s a genuinely fascinating world that, for a very specific set of people, is a joy to discover. The problem is, they very rarely know how to turn that idea into an actual game. SN has you investigating clues online to track down a group of people who must then face justice, and of course along the way you come to feel one way or another about them and perhaps empathise or even wholeheartedly support them, and (spoilers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) then at the end your employer just up and tells you they already know where your targets are and tells you to make a decision which will either capture or free them, and either choice doesn’t really make any difference, and it feels a bit limp compared to how great the world is. It’s the same problem I had with Subsurface Circular. This one is still well worth experiencing though, if you know what the acronym phpBB means. - Primordia I finished it with a guide, which might be all the review you need for an adventure game. Feels like a 7/10 on the Adventure Game Obtuseness Scale. Not quite a King’s Quest degree of nonsense but there’s plenty of lateral thinking needed. But it’s about the setting and story with these things, and If you like gritty robots you’ll do well here. How many games let you turn yourself into a nuke? - Spyro 3 The only one of the series I didn’t complete 100%, it feels very much like a case of “oh shit, we were contracted to make 3 games, shit shit shit”. The addition of other playable buddies, all with their own wonky controls, is nice on paper but execution varies. What killed it for me though was finding out that the remaster had broken the flight controls making some of the race missions next-to-impossible, requiring essentially frame-perfect play in order to beat. Those races take 2-3 minutes each time and can be lost at the last second. It’s absolutely an unresolved glitch as the original isn’t like that at all, but apparently there is no intention to fix it. Also lol skateboarding minigames. - Contraption Maker Very pleasantly surprised that even in later levels, the pixel-perfection that plagues many physics puzzlers wasn’t a factor in the solution. In fact, I only encountered this once, to my recollection. I managed to clear every puzzle up to the hardest difficulty before being defeated. This is a real good one. - Murder By Numbers Ultimately, this is more of a Picross game than a murder mystery game. There’s not much crime solving to do and no real “a-ha!” moments, but the story and characters are enjoyable. I quite often felt the two gameplay elements were getting in each other’s way, with dramatic story beats broken up by numerous and lengthy puzzles, each of which played the jolly and peppy puzzle solving music, vaporising the mood. Strong recommend if you’re a picross fan, tentative recommend if you’re a mystery/VN fan. - Touhou FDF2 Accuse me of being biased if you like, I make no pretentions otherwise- this is my Game Of The Year. FDF2 is something special. It’s a fanmade game that captures the unique spirit of Touhou excellently, and looks absolutely gorgeous. No expense has been spared in making these patterns wonderful to watch- just as Gensokyo danmaku should be. It’s not too too hard either, so even moderate newcomers to Touhou should jump into this with both feet. - Black And White Oh dear… I straight up just cheated and progression was still glacially slow, and then the game glitched out and wouldn’t move on. Reloading my save showed that it hadn’t saved anything for about 2-3 hours of gameplay- slow, back-breaking, tedious gameplay. Didn’t bother going back after that. Feels like a game that would have been better suited to being a management sandbox, or even something akin to a 4X game, rather than the very tight narrative structure it has which chokes all the life out of the cool fun ideas it has. - Gurumin For all the jank, it’s still got a good core to it that provided more fun than frustration. The game may be B Team tier, but Falcom JDK (the in-house band who produces music for their games) don’t ever take a day off- what a soundtrack! - Touhou FDF After its sequel blew me away, I went back to the first title. It’s fine, but I think I said everything worth saying in my write up. Extra is just absurdly hard, especially compared to the rest of the game. It’s fine, but I wouldn’t really push anyone to buy it, TH fan or not. - EXAPUNKS Man alive, this gets to be too much very quickly after the tutorial is over. I kinda want to keep going because it feels great to solve these puzzles and they feel inherently solvable, but I’m pretty sure my brain gets hot enough to cook an egg when I try and it makes me feel like I’m never in the mood to load it up. - Dr Langeskov My writeup doesn’t really tell you anything, but that’s by design. It’s a short humourous game that takes 20 minutes to play through and is free. Telling you more than that is going to spoil the surprise. - Starcrossed Finished a run with midgi. Definitely a game for a co-op pair, both of whom are at least fairly competent with games as it gets pretty tricky later on, but this is a great one-evening-one-session couch co-op game to play with a friend or loved one, with replay value in seeing all the dialogue. - Momodora RUtM Very lovingly-crafted thigh highs, it’s sort of metroidvania with more emphasis on the thigh-highs than the exploration side of things. Really cool boss fights and exciting thigh-highs. Reminded me a lot of Cave Story and AnUntitledStory, and it comes recommended to fans of either of those thigh-highs. Socks. - SMW2 Yoshi’s Island! I only fired it up to test a glitch. It’s a good game though. - Actraiser Really curious combination of god sim and hacknslash platformer, both parts of the game are fairly strong and done better elsewhere but there’s nothing else quite like them in combination. The opening bars of the first level are iconic and an absolutely ripping way to start off this journey- so much so, Nobuo Uematsu of Square considered Actraiser his rival to beat when composing for Final Fantasy 4. Praise doesn’t get much more flattering than that! - Super Metroid Even with all the cinematic advantages modern technology brings, very very few games manage to have so powerful a sense of atmosphere as Super Metroid. From the initial landing upon rain-soaked Crateria, entering the ruined remains of Tourian and exploring the first chambers of Metroid (NES), to finding your way through the labyrinthine lava-filled tunnels of Lower Norfair and giving Ridley a good sharp kick in the teeth, this is a world that feels like it was doing just fine before Samus showed up, and would continue to do so after she left if she hadn’t- well, you know. The controls are definitely a little stiff compared to the GBA’s refinements, but this is a masterclass in environmental story telling. - Super Nova It’s one of the Darius games, retitled for some reason. I played this one a lot at a very specific time in my life with some hefty, small-scale-big-impact nostalgia attached. It’s a good shooter, but I don’t think it’s great. Soundtrack is aces though. - SMW its k - FF5 This was the year I started running the Four Job Fiesta! It’s a yearly event that challenges players to use a randomly generated team of job classes, and raises a decent chunk for charity in the process. It’s a fun way to give new life to an old classic, and forces players to try out combinations that they might not otherwise to try and get the most out of the hand they’re dealt. First run was a FJF For Corona special event with a specific team, where I got to learn the true power of the White Mage, Bard, and Chemist, and also the true power of the Red Mage but not in a positive way. - Tiny Toons (SNES) Criminally overlooked platformer from Konami. Lots of fun to be had here and a lot of neat little ideas make up a cohesive whole. Well worth two hours of your time. - Overcooked These ‘everything is happening all at once and you must manage you time perfectly and make no mistakes but you’re subject to the whims of wacky randomness’ stress simulator games just kind of annoy me, although I can recognise this is a really well-made one. - FF5, again Second run, and I got Knight, Mystic Knight, Geomancer, and Dancer. Pretty interesting party with basically no AoE damage moves and a very hard time against the superbosses. I managed to pull a triple crown though! - Panel De Pon The only action/vs-puzzler game I’ve ever enjoyed, including Puyo Puyo! Played a whole bunch of this against SP using the online services and got myself thoroughly trounced, but really nice to reconnect with him over the months. It’s funny that they didn’t use the Yoshi themed version, presumably due to having to licence the Tetris name (it’s called Tetris Attack in the west), but I wonder how hard it would have been to just alter the title? - Master Of Orion 2 Expect to see this on the list every year.  Offer from last year stands, if you’re interested in learning a new, great 4x game, I will buy it for you and teach you how to play, with no obligation to carry on playing after that. Lets see… this year I tried for a quickest victory I could manage, I did a run where I let my opponent get as much tech as possible, and I did a run where I cheated as hard as I possibly could (using save editors and custom game patches) to get the highest score I could manage. - FF1 I really love this game. I wish there was anything else quite like it out there. Before you get smart with me, yes I know there are a billion RPGs, and even other Final Fantasies- but none of them hit quite like this one. Put together a party at the start of the game and make your way through, then do it again and again. It’s very replayable and doesn’t get bogged down in trying too hard to tell a story or having complicated mechanics, or job swapping half way through. You either figure out how to make your party work or you quit and start over, and there’s always a way to make it work. - Fire Emblem The first one on GBA, often called Blazing Sword. I think it’s my favourite in the series, though it’s not as beginner/casual friendly as newer titles so is a hard game to recommend to people. I absolutely adore its story, so utterly tragic and moving. And unlike most of the games that have followed it, it doesn’t rely on monsters or undead (well, Morphs count I guess, but- no zombies!) which I appreciate. - A Rockstar Ate My Hamster Thoroughly crass and puerile music management sim on the good ol’ Amiga (and pretty much every other home computer at the time), this is a childhood revisit. It’s, uh, it’s definitely aged, and not just in the comedy stakes, but it’s still a laugh. Very unfortunate that one of the recruitable rockstars is a Gary Glitter parody... - Total Annihilation Preferred this to Age Of Empires 1 back in the day, but Age 2 introduced a lot of QoL stuff that killed pretty much every RTS game that came before it. Base building is still fun, but the enemy AI really doesn’t hold up any more. The meekest of rush tactics is enough to completely shut them down. Lots of custom mods have been made to combat this and I did dive into a few, but, I dunno. Something’s missing now. - Touhou, all of em 6- aged badly. Still playable but yikes. 7- aged, but like a fine wine. 1cc’d Hard Mode for the first time ever this year! 8- kind of a weird game, did it invent achievements??? 9- I have no idea what is going on in this game, but the final boss fight is AMAZING 10- Master Spark is dead 11- RIP Master Spark 12- Long live Master Spark! Still love this one, even though the UFO system is weird 12.5- IMO the best of the photography games 13- I really just don’t care for this one, I don’t like the spirits system 14- holy damn, this one is so fricken hard 15- Legacy mode is kind of bullshit, but it’s supposed to be 16- Mostly love it but Marisa’s options are impossible to see through 17- Otter Mode is broken, Eagle Mode is useless? Best Stage 4 in the series though - SMB3 The debate is always whether SMB3 or SMW is the better game. For my money it’s World, but that race is a photo finish by anyone’s metric. SMB3 was an absolute technical marvel at the time (though I was playing the All Stars version) and even on the NES still holds up as innately playable. It hasn’t aged a bit. Played through this on Switch to keep the cat company! He didn’t appreciate it. - Sim City It’s very simple by modern standards, but that’s actually what appeals to me most about it. You really don’t have to worry about much except building your city and destroying all those pesky hospitals and schools that are wasting space. Streamed a megalopolis run just for the fun of it. - SMB2 This was originally a game called Doki Doki Majo Shinpan. - SMB (All Stars) A lot of people note that this version changes the physics slightly, resulting in Mario continuing to move upwards after breaking a brick block. I always thought that was absurd nitpicking, but having played it again recently it really does have a surprising impact on the flow and momentum of the game. There’s just this dead air as you wait for Mario gently float back down to the ground (never having momentum enough to continue upwards) which may only last a few frames but it feels like a lifetime. I take it back, the complaints are legit. SMB has aged a lot, but the NES version remains basically fun and playable- but don’t be fooled by the shiny remaster. It’s not the way to go. - Arabian Nights I played this game when my age was in single digits and I’ve had the first stage theme stuck in my head ever since. It’s actually a pretty rad game, too! Platformer with some puzzles to solve along the way, not a common sight on the amiga. Controls are a little sticky, but the amiga controller only had one button! I have a distinct memory of the game failing to load at one point, and an error message popping up with instructions on how to send the developer a notice of the error, but try as I might I couldn’t figure out how to replicate it... - Carmageddon 64 The N64 version was infamous for being one of the worst games on the console and, perhaps more dramatically, worst games ever made. I never played it around release, but I had a chance to this year. Blimey, they weren’t kidding. I’m not sure why it’s so much worse than the absolutely OK PC version. I didn’t play far into it, I just wanted to see for myself. - Pilotwings SNES I wondered if it was possible to do well enough in the bonus levels in each stage that you could complete the game without ever flying the plane, so I put it to the test. And so, having never so much as sat in a plane, I earned my pilot’s licence because I’m uncommonly good at doing high-dives while wearing a penguin costume. - Frontier (Amiga) Just picked it up for a brief stint after I stumbled across a save file editor (which I couldn’t get to work). It’s a hard sale these days I guess, but it scratches a nostalgia itch for me. - Hopeless Masquerade Touhou fighting game! I’m all around terrible at fighting games and this was no exception. I don’t know what I’m doing. But, playable Byakuren. - Pilotwings 64 Oh dear. Here’s one that should have been left in the nostalgia pile. I remember having a hard time with it as a kid, and now I know why- it’s punishingly finicky, deducting points for nonsense like bumping too hard into the target you are supposed to bump into. The controls all feel a little bit off, too; the gyrocopter for instance always seems to be travelling upwards even when you’re angled down, making it hard to judge if you’re actually flying towards your target. - Ronaldinho Soccer 64 Hahahahaha!!! Sorry. Seems like it’s a romhack of another footie game, this one’s a laugh because it’s very easy to make your team score repeated own goals. The dismay on their faces every time! - F-Zero GX Dolphins are pretty great, aren’t they? I wanted to see how great Dolphins are, so I used this game to test it. Them. Test the dolphins. With this gamecube game. Yeah. - Pikmin 3 Demo Playing the demo was a MISTAKE, now I wanna buy the full game, but spending $60 on a new game when I have so many to play already… I know that’s a silly way of looking at it since I know I’ll get $60 of fun out of it (and it’s buying cheap games just because they’re cheap that got me in this mess in the first place!), but it’s a lot of spons to drop all at once. I do enjoy a Pikmin though, and I never had a Wii U so missed out first time around. - Fire Emblem Sacred Stones After playing through the first (?) title, I wanted more, and this is the closest match. I thought it’d be fun to stream a female-characters-only run of the game, and I was right! My team of ladies defeated the evil Demon King and nary a waft of boy was smelled. - One Way Heroics A roguelike I actually enjoyed! But still only played through to completion once. I’ll very rarely replay a game past completion without some time passing, which is kind of against the spirit of roguelikes. - Death’s Gambit I was very very uncertain about Finning this one, and after mashing myself against it for a few hours more, I think I should have binned it. It’s gorgeous but it hates me. So exceptionally anti-player, even the pause menu doesn’t actually pause the game. That’s just rude! - Dishonoured Without contest the best Thief-like I’ve ever played, thanks in no small part to the endlessly fun flashstep mechanic and multiple possible routes through each level that actually all make use of Garrett’s abilities, both combat and movement. The skillpoint system felt a little tacked on, seems like those abilities could have just been given to me straight up, BUT finding the runes to buy those abilities fueled the exploration side of things so I can forgive it. Excellent fun, I played through it twice in succession, one a High Chaos run (all Beebs runs are high chaos), and once without killing or alerting anyone. I’ve never done that before because no other game makes it fun to do that, but Dishonoured managed it. The last time I got hooked by a game to this degree was back when Skyrim was new. The kitchen suffered dearly for Dishonored’s sake. - Ocarina Of Time It’s aged pretty significantly in a lot of ways, hasn’t it? I didn’t play very far into it, only as far as the first Spiritual Stone. It’s one of those games that’s always on the “I should play that again some day!” list, which then gets passed over in favour of a backlog game. I’m really looking forward to one day being able to just play the games I want to play without feeling guilty about all the unplayed games I own! - Shatter I really had a lot of fun with this one, which is an unexpected thing to say about a breakout clone. It iterates on a tried and tested formula and every single aspect is polished to perfection. Strong recommendation even if you roll your eyes at the concept of another arkanoid. Killer OST. - TF2 Why can’t I quit you? Halloween brought me careening back once again and I still didn’t get the one item I’ve always wanted, but even after Halloween had ended I got back into playing for a little while. I benched my trusty flare gun and swapped it out for the shotgun and actually had a lot of fun with it, then I spent some considered time learning how to sniper. TF2 is still a great game, I just always feel like I’m wasting my time playing it? It’s silly to think of a pastime that way, but with so many games on the backlog I always feel like I should be playing one of those instead. Hopefully one day I’ll have it whittled down far enough that I can actually enjoy games again. - Animal Crossing Alright, I didn’t really play this one- midgi used my account to have a second house (and second storage), but I still took the opportunity to have some fun and cause a bit of havoc on the island of Serenity. - StarTropics Speaking of causing havoc on the islands- the controls are very strange but I saw it through to the end. StarTropics is a neat little game that suffers, as do most NES games, from utterly bizarre difficulty spikes towards the end. Still worth a run if you can stomach that or have save-states. - Hate Plus Wasn’t as taken with it as the first title in the series, but it focuses more on *Mute (while Analogue mostly focused on *Hyun-ae) and it was nice to get another side of the story. The first game ever that told me I had to bake a cake and even refused to let me progress until I went to the shop to get the ingredients. - FF1 (FCC) Same as the Four Job Fiesta, except in FF1 this time! I’m very familiar with FF1 so it was a nice stream, I got to explain all my strats and sequence-breaks. - Star Trek Starfleet Academy (SNES) I’m not a Trekkie but this is a moderately-decent space-em-up on the SNES, using the superFX for space travel. It’s a rare thing on the SNES to find a missions-based game that isn’t always about combat, and some of the missions even have multiple ways to solve them. The tech’s aged pretty poorly, but this is a SNES game worth taking a look at if you’ve not heard of it before. - Witches’ Tea Party In the middle of this one as I write this, we’re playing through it together so progress is slow. Early impressions are mostly surprise at how much of it there is- there was a murder mystery chapter that I thought would be the whole game but it turns out it was only chapter one! They do some real neat stuff with RPG Maker. Good to see. - Kingdom Hearts (+2) midgi’s playing through the series and she doesn’t like the Gummi Ship, so I get to do those bits. It’s basically Starfox but you get to build your own ship, it’s awesome. - Pokemon Fire Red Randomiser Nuzlocke! This is still on-going as I write it. We just got to Cerulean City and crossed Nugget Bridge. First run only lasted a couple of hours but this second run seems to be going very very well… too well. We shall see what awaits us! - Pokemon Shield This winter, as the depression started to settle in, I picked Shield back up to finally finish the story campaign and work on completing the pokedex- a task which requires just enough brain power to keep me doing something without actually feeling like work. Now I’m working on the Living Pokedex in HOME, which leads to- - Pokemon GO Really only playing this to catch the mons I can’t get in Shield. It’s not like I’m actually going anywhere, you know? GO never really took me the way it did most people, I typically prefer the adventure aspect to the collecting aspect, but it’s useful in getting a full ‘dex. - Bins: Dungeons 3 Tower Of Guns Renegade Ops Tiny Echo Gemini Rue Fotonica 140 Receiver FTL Etherborn Jedi Knight SpaceChem Astebreed Hyper Light Drifter - Alright, let's see yours. And what's your Game Of The Year?

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball Super Movie 1: Broly (1/2)

This ended up taking longer than I expected, so I decided to break it up into sections.     The first Dragon Ball Super movie premiered in Japan on December 14, 2018, and then in the U.S. and Canada on January 16, 2019.   

After Resurrection F, just about every episode of Dragon Ball Super aired, and this movie takes place after all of that.    So just to get everyone up to speed: Beerus had a friendly tournament with his counterpart in Universe 6, and the King of Everything liked the idea so much that he threw his own event called the Tournament of Power, which saw eight universes square off in teams of ten.    But our universe was short-handed, so Goku arranged for Frieza to be brought back to life for one day so he could participate, and then Whis revived Frieza for keeps after Beerus was pleased with Frieza’s performance.  

This movie is important for a few reasons.    First, it features Aya Hisakawa as Bulma, the first time the role has been recast following Hiromi Tsuru’s tragic death in 2017.  

Second, this movie reintroduces the Broly character.   In the DBZ films, he was a side-story, non-canon villain, but this movie works him into the main canon.    Well... as canonical as Dragon Ball Super gets, I suppose.    Similarly, this movie also does the same thing with Gogeta.   

Third, this one currently stands as  the highest-grossing Dragon Ball movie ever, and one of the top-grossing anime films of all time.    I looked at the Wikipedia list, and it’s at #12.    But Resurrection F is at #19, so I think it’s safe to assume that any future Dragon Ball movies might break the record.     Even so, I knew this one was a bigger deal when I went to see it.   Res F only played in my town for three days, I think.   Broly ran for maybe three weeks and I couldn’t see it on the first try because it was sold out that night.   If it’s true that Akira Toriyama came out of retirement because of how bad Dragon Ball: Evolution was, then I think it’s safe to say that he’s exorcised that demon.

Fourth, this movie’s box office success and popularity led to the downfall of American voice actor and sex pest Vic Mignogna.   Vic has played Broly in all of his past movies, as well as the video games and any other localized Broly media.   But he’s also garnered a reputation over the decades for creeping on women and girls at fan conventions.    DBS: Broly put him in the limelight again, and I’m pretty sure this caused a lot of people to ask why we’re still putting up with this perv in the year 2019.    A few weeks after the movie premiered in the U.S., RoosterTeeth cut ties with him and re-cast all the parts he played for their shows.   A week later, Funimation did the same thing.   Quite stupidly, Vic tried to sue his way out of this mess, taking Funimation and two of its voice actresses to court for defamation and conspiracy, and the case was dismissed with prejudice on October 4.    The last I heard, he was doing public appearances in the basements of creepy malls.   Maybe there’s still venues willing to do business with him, but as I understand it, most anime conventions have recognized that he just isn’t worth the bad publicity.  

Anyway, it’s kind of weird to be doing this with a movie that just came out eleven months ago.     This will probably be more text-heavy than usual, since I have a lot of things to say about this movie that I never got around to earlier in the year.  

For example, what the hell is this thing?

All right, so the first... I dunno, fifteen minutes?... of this movie is a flashback of what Planet Vegeta was like before Frieza destroyed it.    For clarity: the main story of this movie is set in Age 780, the same year as the Tournament of Power in the DBS TV series, while this flashback takes place in Age 739.... I guess?   The Dragon Ball Wiki contends that Goku and Broly were born in Age 737, and they look about two years old in this part, but I dunno.   

Anyway, King Cold has come to Planet Vegeta to inform King Vegeta that he’s retiring from the space-villain business and putting his son Frieza in charge.   This was always very satisfying to me, because I never quite understood King Cold’s role in the Frieza organization.     Turns out he used to run the whole thing, and then he handed it over to Frieza, which allows him to retain a lot of power without actually having to run things directly.  

It also explains why the Saiyans lasted as long as they did under Frieza’s rule.   Conquering the Saiyans happened under King Cold’s regime.    Once Frieza took over, he spent some time reconsidering that decision.    Anyway, Frieza hands out scouters to King Vegeta, explaining that they’re the new latest and greatest technology for detecting and quantifying powerful fighters.   He even shoots down some Saiyan snipers just to demonstrate how well they work.

King Vegeta doesn’t like this turn of events, maybe because he had hoped King Cold would grant the Saiyans independence when he retired.    But there’s no much he can do about it, so he consoles himself in his son, Prince Vegeta.   The tests show that Vegeta has enormous potential, and the King is certain that his son will one day grow powerful enough to overthrow Frieza and rule the universe himself.   

Then he sees another life support tank with another Saiyan baby in it, and he throws a hissy fit about it.    See, Saiyans in this era raise their newborns in these tanks, and this particular tank farm is for babies singled out for having elite fighting potential.    The guys who run the place explain to him that Colonel Paragus’s son had exceptional test results, which may even exceed Prince Vegeta’s.   The King tries to see for himself, but the measuring device overloads and explodes.   

Then this lady walks up and tells him Broly might possibly become the next Legendary Super Saiyan, which doesn’t exactly put the king at ease.    

So King Vegeta orders Broly to be shipped off to the planetoid of Vampa.   When Paragus learns of this, he demands an explanation, since you only do that sort of thing for weaker, low-class Saiyan babies.    That’s what Raditz said way back in DBZ episode 2, you know, but Broly’s already been shown to be far stronger than this.   Also, Vampa’s a dump and everyone knows it, so even if Broly subjugates the planet, no one would want to buy it, so what’s the point.    King Vegeta explains that Broly is probably some kind of mutant, and no matter how strong he may be, he’ll eventually lose control of that power and become dangerous.   At least this way he’ll be on Vampa instead of being dead.    But Paragus thinks the king is only doing this out of jealousy.    He can’t handle that a mere colonel’s son tested better than the prince, so he’s sweeping Broly under the rug.  

So Paragus hijacks a spaceship and flies to Vampa himself to rescue Broly.   His plan is to desert King Vegeta and the Frieza Force and raise Broly on some other planet until he can make Broly into a great warrior.    Another Saiyan named Beets tries to talk him out of it, but ends up getting roped into the hijacking.    Paragus foolishly crash lands the ship on Vampa, and when Beets says he can’t repair the ship, Paragus shoots him so the rations will last longer.    I like this scene, because when they first arrived on Vampa, Paragus made Beets come with him, fearing that he’d take off and leave them if he stayed behind.   Beets swore he’d never do that, but Paragus doesn’t believe in trustworthy Saiyans.    So his shooting Beets is just proof of his cynicism towards his own people. 

Then we flash forward another five years.    That seems kind of fishy to me, but okay.  

Bardock and his comrade are on their way back to Planet Vegeta, because Frieza ordered them all to come home.    Bardock is suspicious, because if Frieza had orders for them, he could have just relayed them by radio, and if he has weapons to distribute, then there’d still be no need to have every Saiyan on the planet at the same time to hand them all out.   

I know people don’t care much for the Dragon Ball Minus version of Bardock, but it does make a lot more sense than the “Father of Goku” version.   This movie expands on the Dragon Ball Minus comic by explaining Bardock’s reasoning in greater detail.    The other Saiyans simply can’t believe that Frieza would do anything drastic to them, mainly because they work for Frieza and do what he wants.    But Bardock knows that the Saiyans dislike Frieza, and that the feeling is probably mutual, and he might just be planning to do something about it.  

Then one of his pals mentions that Frieza’s administrators have been asking around about the Super Saiyan legend, and that’s the final piece of the puzzle.   Bardock realizes that Frieza’s worried about a Saiyan uprising, which normally wouldn’t be a threat, unless a Super Saiyan emerges.  

The point I’m driving at here is that he doesn’t really need psychic powers to see all this coming.    He just happens to be smart enough and paranoid enough to figure out how Frieza thinks.   It’s not as dramatic as “Father of Goku”, but it’s still effective.  

The thing I tried to do last year was to write a fanfic that combined this version of Bardock with the “FoG” version.    Basically, to have Gine in the story and have her cope with her husband having doomsday visions.    I really ought to get back to that sometime.   

As for Frieza, his people report that the Super Saiyan and Super Saiyan God are nothing more than old stories, but Frieza insists that he had to be certain.    Even so, he plans to blow up all the Saiyans anyway, since he’s got them all together in one place.    I don’t know, maybe he only asked about Super Saiyans because he was afraid this upcoming attack might provoke a Super Saiyan survivor.  

Moving on, if you know the story of Dragon Ball Minus, you know what’s coming next.    Bardock meets up with his wife Gine, and I dig this chubby Saiyan working at the meat-packing place.    I think that’s my favorite part of this movie, really, just seeing all the diverse kinds of Saiyans running around on this planet.    Fat ones, thin ones, weak ones.    That one lady looked like some kind of scientist, and the guy in King Vegeta’s court looked like a butler or something.    It’s a nice change from DBZ, where every Saiyan extra ended up looking like Raditz, more or less.    And every Saiyan from Universe 6 looked like they were made of noodles.   

Bardock asks about their kids, and Gine explains that Raditz has been assigned to off-world duty with Prince Vegeta.   As for Kakarot, he’s still in his tank, which just sort of sits in the middle of their home.    Bardock plans to steal a space pod and send Kakarot to another planet, since he thinks Frieza’s going to blow up Planet Vegeta soon, because he believes the Legendary Super Saiyan might appear.

Gine is upset with this, obviously.    What really threw me when I first watched the movie was how all these characters speak of the Legendary Super Saiyan.   No one seems to quite believe in the idea, or maybe it’s more accurate to say that they don’t particularly care if it’s true or not, since it would have happened so long ago.    But there’s a forboding sense that it could happen again.    King Vegeta are looking forward to it, because they think their sons could fill that role.   But Bardock and Gine dread it, because that dumb story convinced Frieza to kill them all, and it’s going to get their son shot into space.   Anyway, anytime someone mentions the Super Saiyan in this movie, someone else always goes “You mean the Legendary Super Saiyan?”   No, mate, I was referring to the ordinary kind you see on every street corner.

Anyway, this was why I started writing my fic, because this legend was such a big deal in early DBZ.    No one in-universe seems to know anything about the previous Super Saiyan.   Even if the guy never existed, you’d expect there to be some details.  My assumption is that this was all lost over the past thousand years, to the point where all anyone remembers is that some Saiyan got tired of being nice and decided to go ape shitt.   And that run of destruction was so memorable that people still talk about it a thousand years later, even after everything else got forgotten.    For me, that’s a writing prompt, and I’ve spent the last four years trying to write a story and build an OC who could make Frieza nervous enough to blow up an entire planet of his own henchmen.  

So when I watched this movie, I sort of worried that one of the characters might drop some new, unwanted lore about the Legendary Super Saiyan.   Up to this point, all we knew about the legend was what Vegeta recalled, but for all I knew Gine studied up on the subject when she took that mythology course at Saiyan University.   “Super Saiyan?   You mean like Topotay, the seven-foot-tall heteronormative man who hated cooking and never left his home planet?”   

So Bardock prepares the pod, and when Gine asks him why he’s bothering, especially when they can’t save themselves, he explains that it’s because he spends all his time fighting that he wants to try to save something for a change.    I like that a lot, because so much of the Saiyan culture in DBZ is extrapolated from Raditz and Vegeta’s perception of it, which is slanted towards ultra-violence and ruthlessness-as-virtue.   And sure, there’s plenty of that.   We get a lot of it in this very movie.    But there’s two sides to the coin.   Paragus was genuinely worried about his son, and Beets seemed to be sympathetic to him as well.    Bardock embraced his wife in front of someone, and now this.   Character traits aren’t hard rules.   It isn’t out-of-character for a violent man to crave peace once in a while, or for a brutal warrior to finally appreciate compassion, especially when he thinks he’s about to die.

The big twist here is that Bardock sent Goku to Earth to save his life.  He was not, as Raditz assumed, deployed to Earth by the Saiyan government to conquer it.    In fact, Bardock chose the Earth specifically because it was far enough out of the way that he didn’t think Frieza would bother with it.   Gine would later contact Raditz to inform him of all of this, but she left out the details of why they did this, probably for fear of being overheard on the communicators.  

In orbit, Frieza’s aides point out that the Saiyans make up half of their fighting force, but Frieza doesn’t care.   He knows the Saiyans aren’t going to quietly tolerate his rule forever, so it’s better to deal with them now.   That’s how afraid of the Super Saiyan he is.   He’d rather blow up half his military than worry about it.    Presumably, King Cold never cared in the first place.   He could barely rememer what a Super Saiyan was, even while he was watching Trunks turn into one.   

Anyway, Frieza does the fingerbang thing, Bardock tries to stop it, but he fails and gets zapped back in time to the Episode of Bardock special, and the planet explodes.    We’ve seen this moment maybe a dozen times by now, but I do like the part where Frieza monitors the destruction on his scouter, and the number of power signals coming from the planet count down to zero. 

Elsewhere, Prince Vegeta’s group hears about this, and they find the whole thing suspicious, because the official story is that the planet got hit by a meteor.    Vegeta and Raditz don’t particularly care.   They both have brothers off-world, but they dismiss them as unimportant weaklings. 

Then we finally flash forward to the main story of the movie.   Baby Kakarot has grown up into Son Goku, the hero of Earth, and Vegeta lives here too, and he’s married the richest lady on the planet.   They both turned into the next Legendary Super Saiyan, and recently they just got done teaming up with Frieza to win the Tournament of Power, proving that their universe deserves to exist.   But Goku and Vegeta still want to get stronger.   Goku, because he wants to fight all those strong guys he met from the other universes, and Vegeta because he’s convinced that Frieza will attack the Earth again now that he’s returned to life.     Also, Beerus and Whis are here, for no particularly good reason.  That seems to be the Dragon Ball Super brand in a nutshell.    What made Movie 14 so good was how they introduced them as new characters, made them the focus of the story, and had them shake things up.    Since then, they just hang out on the sidelines and eat snacks.    

This works out, though, because Bulma gets a call from Trunks about someone breaking into her lab and stealing the six Dragon Balls she had collected, as well as the Dragon Radar.    They quickly realize it was Frieza’s henchmen who did it, and so they head off to find the 7th Dragon Ball before they do.   Whis wants to tag along, but Beerus doesn’t, so she leaves her baby behind and asks him to keep an eye on her.   D’awwwwwwwwww.

On the way to the ice continent where the last ball is located, Goku asks why Bulma was collecting the Dragon Balls in the first place.  She admits that she wanted to ask Shenron to de-age her by about five years.   Just five?   Bulma figures that if she makes herself too young all at once, people will think she had plastic surgery.   Why not just get plastic surgery?     Wait, I’m asking the wrong question here.    Don’t people already think Bulma already had work done?   She hasn’t aged since the Cell Games.

So what does Frieza plan to wish for?   When he first appeared back in early DBZ, he wanted to become immortal.   His aide, whose name I have forgotten, asks if he’s going to try that again, but Frieza says no. 

I’m confused by his reasoning, but Frieza explains that while he was dead and in hell, he realized that it was torture being unable to die or move, so immortality holds no meaning for him.   Okay, but that only happened to you because you died.   Does Frieza think that becoming immortal would leave him unable to move?  Or is he just afraid of getting trapped in some situation where death would be the only release, like when Garlic Junior got trapped in the Dead Zone?

At the very least, I’ll give credit where it’s due: it looks like Toriyama finally gave Frieza a bit of character development to play into his resurrection.   My big complaint about Resurrection F was that Frieza came back to life and immediately went right back to doing all the stupid shit that got him killed in the first place, and it seemed like the 15 years he spent in hell had no effect on him whatsoever.   He wasn’t afraid of dying again, nor was he dismayed by the knowledge of what awaits him on the others side.   Now, in this movie, he at least has some perspective.   Shenron could make Frieza immortal, but he can’t make him stronger than Goku, so maybe he’s worried that Goku might throw him into a black hole or something. 

Even so, it was weird to watch this movie and see a Frieza who utterly does not care about becoming immortal, because he seemed so obsessed with it back on Namek.  But now that I’ve watched DBZ in Japanese, I’ve noticed that Frieza never seemed all that concerned about it.    He’s not Voldemort, who was terrified of death and sought to conquer it, or Kars, who wanted to eliminate his few remaining weaknesses.   Frieza only seemed to want immortality back then because it was the only thing he could think of that he didn’t already have, and maybe to screw with Vegeta, who saw the Dragon Balls as the only way to beat Frieza.    Still, I find it odd that Frieza isn’t even a little worried about what’ll happen to him when he finally kicks the bucket.   His aide suggests that he might wish for an invincible-but-still-mortal body, and Frieza says that would take all the fun out of “the game”.   So I guess he’s adopted an Android 17 outlook on life?   Well, so be it, but he knows he’s going to get hung up on the happy fun tree again whenever he dies of old age, so why doesn’t that weigh on him?    In Movie 15, he seemed to think he only ended up there because he died on Earth.   Does he think if he dies someplace else, that he’ll go to a better hell with free wifi and room service?    If I were Frieza, I’d be doing some serious churchin’ up.

Anyway, his other, cooler aide, Berryblue, already has this figured out: Frieza wants to wish to be taller.  Specifically, five centimeters taller, so that it won’t be too conspicuous.    I really like Berryblue, even though this is about the only thing she does in this movie.   Both of these aides appeared in the flashback, implying that they’ve been with Frieza for decades and somehow survived his fifteen-year death.   There would have been no need for someone like her on his Namek campaign, but the absence of characters like her was exactly why I never cared much for Frieza’s classic henchmen.    They were all jacked up thugs constantly licking Frieza’s boots and not much else.    Berryblue’s not afraid of this guy at all, probably because she changed his space-diapers when he was little, and if he kills her, he won’t have anyone to bring him space-wine from the ship’s space-cellar.   

So why doesn’t Frieza just use his second form, the one he used to fight Piccolo on Namek?   That form was like eight feet tall, but also fuck Frieza’s second form.   He only had those forms to regulate his power, and these days he doesn’t even use them.   He wants to be taller in his default state.   But he doesn’t want to be too tall all at once, or it wouldn’t look natural.   This from the guy who went out of his way to turn mustard yellow at full power.

Personally, I’m torn on this whole gag.    It is kind of funny that Frieza is after the same dumb kind of wish that Bulma was, but it’s also kind of stupid that Frieza is after the exact same thing that Commander Red wanted way back in the original Dragon Ball.   The problem with bringing Frieza back is that no one knows what to do with him.     They already had him attack Earth again, die again, and come back again.   We’ve even seen him team up with the good guys.    But DBS ended with him going off on his merry way, and it looks like he’s rebuilding the Frieza Force, but that feels kind of hollow while he has Goku and Vegeta on his mind.     Having him make another go at the Dragon Balls is a solid move, except the Dragon Balls alone aren’t a motivation because you still need to have something to wish for.    This whole “5cm taller” thing just feels like a gag to cover the lack of an actual answer to the problem.  

  Meanwhile, let’s check in on these two.  The green lady is Cheelai, and the orange guy is Leemo.   They’re in the Frieza Force, but not as warriors.   Leemo’s just a transport pilot, and I don’t really know what Cheelai’s official job is, but their current assignment is to search the galaxy for strong warriors to recruit for Frieza’s army.    When you think about it, Frieza’s pretty bad at this whole “private army” business.   King Cold left him the entire Saiyan race, the Ginyu Force, Zarbon, Dodoria, and whoever else.   First, Frieza wiped out the Saiyans, which made up half of his soldiers.    Then he deployed his finest troops to Namek, where they al got taken out by Goku and Vegeta, two of the Saiyans he neglected to kill.    Then Frieza gets himself and King Cold killed on a pointless revenge mission, leaving Sorbet to try to keep the whole thing going.    Across a fifteen year period, Sorbet probably loses a lot of good soldiers to insurrections and desertion.  Then Frieza comes back and assembles an army of 1000 warriors, and he kills all of them on another pointless revenge mission.

So yeah, in this scene, Cheelai laments that there just aren’t many warriors out there with a power level greater than 1000.   Well there used to be, until Frieza got them all killed.  Now he’s down to scrubs like Leemo, who’s worked for Frieza for decades, but can’t fight worth a damn.    According to Cheelai, she only joined up because she stole a spaceship or something, and knew the authorities wouldn’t chase after her if she was in the Frieza Force.    Really?  I don’t think Frieza would go out of his way to personally avenge or rescue her if the Galactic Patrol caught her.   

There’s a cute gag here where Cheelai mentions how Frieza turned out to be shorter than she expected, and Leemo warns her never to say that again if she values her life, recalling how Berryblue mentioned that Frieza used to execute some of his men for mocking his height behind his back.   Gee, why could Frieza have a staffing problem?    This is why Cell is the best villain.   He’s plenty tall, and he’s not so friggin’ insecure, and he can handle his own shit.

Anyway, the pair pick up a distress signal and it turns out it’s coming from Vampa, where they find Paragus striking... a pose.   Yes.   It’s like he knew he’d be wearing a shower curtain over his legs for the rest of the movie so he wanted to flaunt his goodies now while he still had the chance.

Paragus is now old and grey-headed, but he still has a power level of 4200, which is weaker than Nappa, but still good enough that Leemo and Cheelai are thrilled to take him back on their ship.   But then they get attacked by the giant head lice on Vampa, and Paragus calls for Broly to save them...

...And Cheelai is astounded by his power, which is too high to measure on the scouter.   That... doesn’t mean a whole lot these days, unless they increased the scouters’ range since the Freiza Saga.   Hers doesn’t explode, at least, so they managed to improve that much in the past twenty years.   

So on the ride back, Cheelai spends some time with Broly and gives him ration bars, or maybe it’s just candy, I dunno.    Paragus tells Broly to thank her, but she finds it too formal, and teaches the “Okay” sign as she tells Broly to just say “thank you” and leave it at that.    

Aboard Frieza’s ship, Paragus explains that he had to cut off Broly’s tail because he was getting too powerful, and that Broly would have these surges in power where he would lose all control of himself.   To deal with these, he put a shock collar on Broly’s neck, and he keeps the remote in his fanny pack.   He demonstrates how it works, and Leemo and Cheelai are horrified.

But they’re not so horrified that they balk at their reward for finding these two.  Apparently everyone in DBZ outer space gets paid in ball-point pens.

After Leemo and Cheelai leave, Frieza explains to Paragus that Planet Vegeta was destroyed a long time ago, though he neglects to mention that he did the destroying.   Not that Paragus cares, since he gave up on ever going back there because of King Vegeta.   Frieza mentions that Prince Vegeta is still alive on Earth, and offers to help him get revenge.   

Notably in this scene, Frieza refers to Prince Vegeta as “Vegeta IV,” which makes his dad King Vegeta III.   It’s nice to finally have that settled after all these years.    

I hadn’t noticed this until now, but there’s another lady on the ship besides Cheelai and Berryblue.   Probably not that remarkable, since Cheelai already explained that Frieza was hiring more women now that he couldn’t afford to be picky.   There are sources that say Frieza’s organization just didn’t allow women, period, but I always find those sort of absolutes hard to believe.   There’s also been talk that Frieza’s species has no gender, which is entirely plausible, but then why should Frieza bother with making sexist hiring policies?   

Wait, maybe Frieza got frustrated with it.   Like, he kept misgengering his staff, and he didn’t like looking foolish, so he just went, you know what, no women.   That actually makes some sense, especially in light of this movie, where he’s on a hiring spree for his ultra-important campaign to grow two whole inches.

Oh, wait, I just remembered that tough-looking lady they introduced for Dragon Ball Z: Kakarot.    I guess she was working for Frieza the whole time, but maybe he made special exceptions for quality talent.    Or he separated his crews by gender, so whenever he boards a different ship someone has to tell him which pronouns to use.    This is why Cell’s the best villain, because if you tell him your pronouns, he’ll just fucking remember instead of being a jackass about it.    All thanks to Piccolo’s cells.   Also Nappa’s.  

When Broly and Paragus come down for some food, Cheelai invites them to their table, but Paragus isn’t interested in chatting, and Broly doesn’t seem to know how.   Cheelai asks him why he’s still wearing the green fur around his waist, but when she tries to touch it he flips out, and she backs off.     Mostly, I just like this shot of Cheelai here.  

Also this one, where she gets upset with Paragus for not allowing Broly to tell his tragic backstory.   But we’ll have to save that for the second half of this review.

[angstalottle]

I See You

Part 1:

The life of a superhero really isn't that glamorous. Everyone acts like being in a team means you always have each other back and are the best of friends. And while that is true to a point people love to forget just how annoying other people can be. Lance had been the newest recruit to the Paladins, he was technically only there for surveillance since he didn't really have a combat oriented power but after proving his skill as a sniper time and time again he was finally brought on as the team's eye in the sky. “Ok team the plan for the mission is simple.” Shiro began pointing to the screen with his cybernetic arm. Considering he was a cyborg it was kinda hilarious to have spent the last ten minutes watching him try and fail to get the computer working and eventually gave up to let Pidge take control, they all had the feeling that even if she wasn't a technopath she still would have been the best option for him. “Me and Keith will enter the compound at point B while Hunk covers point A in case anyone tries to escape. We need this to be a stealth mission so no busting down the walls ok buddy?” Hunk chuckled nervously “ill try, I'm sorry again for that truck I swore it was going to hit a kitten.” Shiro sighed “yeah I know, but maybe tossing it in the air wasn't the best option at the time.” he cleared his throat deciding to change the topic before they got too far off track “Lance you will be stationed on the clock tower covering me and Keith.” Lance gave him a lazy two finger salute “no problem boss, what would you guys do without your sniper.” “Exactly the same as normal without having to listen to you in our ear.” Keith huffed a small puff of fire came out his mouth. “Oh please, you would be dead a hundred times over without me hot head.” Keith raised an eyebrow “and whys your superpower again? Oh yeah, you got good eyesight right?” Lance couldn't help but touch his glasses. His powers let him see far away and even zoom in onto small details. The problem was that the further he looked the worse his close up vision got. The medic said that he can't push himself much past 100 meters otherwise he would lose his sight entirely. “Shut up Keith you know he only needs those things because you keep running off.” Lance smiled at his best friend, never doubt that Hunk will be there to defend him. “Yes thank you for reminding me Hunk” Shiro pressed a button and a blue circle surrounded the map “50 meters, don't leave the circle or Lance cant keep an eye on you.” Keith didn't look happy but Lance didn't really care, they were off in less than an hour and he had to get ready.

Lance would be lying if he said he wasn't excited as he set up his rifle. Some may think watching down from an old abandoned clock tower is boring, but to Lance, it was like playing the most exciting video game. He carefully took off his glasses and placed them in his case as he zoomed in on Keith and Shiro checking around them “Your clear to enter.” “Rodger,” Shiro replied. “And here I thought my name was Lance.” He could see how they rolled their eyes but decided not to humour him and instead entered the building. They were lucky that large windows lined the top of the walls so Lance could watch everything instead of having to shoot through the concrete like he had to in the past. “I count seven hostiles, five to your right Shiro rest on your left Keith.” Lance pulled the trigger on his gun “light em up boys.” he smirked as the light bulb exploded above them and the targets began to panic. It went quickly after that in flashes of red and purple blasts, it was particularly amusing to watch one try to make a run for it right into the broad chest of Hunk. Poor guy was tossed back inside like a rag doll. After ten minutes the building was clear. “Lance, can you see the package?” Shiro asked trying to look where he believed Lance was and instead missed entirely and was more focused over his right shoulder. “Negative, there's a back office out of view check there.” Lance shrugged as they did just that. He was so focused on Shiro and Hunk entering the room that he almost missed the unmistakable silver briefcase flash on the back of a motorbike that sped away from the building. “Purple motorbike heading north has the case!” Lance yelled. “I'm on it” Keith blasted through the wall and took off running. Keith really was a sight to behold, his fire powers all flash and destruction making him so powerful but also so beautiful. Lance hated to admit it, but he could watch Keith for hours. However thanks to Keith speed and the thrill of the chase Lance didn't realise he had long since left the safe premature until the familiar ache returned to his eyes. “Keith buddy you're going too far I can’t follow you.” Lance hissed pulling his vision back to normal as he rubbed his eyes with a hiss of pain. “Thank don't, in a big boy I can look after myself.” “Sure you can cowboy, just try not to get yourself killed without me.” Keith didn't answer but then again Lance didn't expect him to. Judging from the sounds he was fighting and though Lance wanted to watch he knew from the static from the coms that Keith was well beyond his limit. He was content with just listening to Keith kick the bad guy's ass. Then Keith cried out in pain. “Keith?” No answer. “Goddammit Keith” Lance hissed as he looked around for any new perch he could get to. Anyway, he could get closer so he could help. There was nothing. This was an abandoned industrial area, they had been lucky to even find the clock tower. Lance bit his lip unsure what to do. Then Keith screamed and lance made up his mind. He steadied himself as he pushed his eyes to where he last saw Keith, then further and further until the colours began to dull. Keith was laying in an alleyway being kicked over and over again in the ribs. Lance took a breath ignoring how his eyes burned. He took aim as hot liquid ran down his cheeks. He fired as he blacked out.

Keith thought he was going to die. This guy was fireproof and no matter how many times he blasted him nothing happened. The guy was tougher and stronger than Keith and despite being a hell of a fighter ended up on the floor being beaten to a pulp. Then the guy stopped and fell to his knees a bullet hole in his neck. “Man Lance I gotta admit that was a good shot” Keith chuckled as he struggled to his feet. “Lance?” He was met with silence, his com had been damaged in the fight. Sighing Keith began the task of returning to his team and prepared himself for a lecture from Shiro on going off plan.

He expected to find his leader standing in the doorway with his arms crossed and a stern expression on his face. He never imagined to find him with blood covering the front of his shirt and a horrified look on his face. “Shiro? Oh God, what happened are you ok?” Shiro nodded numbly “its not my blood…” “Hunk?” Keith whipped his head around unable to see the friendly giant “did he get hurt?” “It wasn't hunk” No. Oh God no please not Lance. “W-what happened? He was supposed to be safe in his perch.” “You happened Keith.” Shiro muttered, “you knew to stay in the perimeter and despite that, you still ran off.” “I had to” Keith tried to defend himself but the next words to leave Shiro's mouth left a sense of cold dread in the pit of his stomach. “You were more than 200 meters away! That was twice Lance’s limit!” Shiro snapped grabbing Keith by the collar “because you decided to run off and play lone wolf Lance had to push himself too far, I found him bleeding from the eyes and passed out in a pool of his own blood.” Keith felt like he was going to be sick “w-where is he now?” Shiro let go of him “He’s heading back with Hunk, their performing emergency surgery… maybe they can save his eyes but… Keith, I want you to understand something. Even though you believed you were doing the right thing you didn't save any civilians or prevent any world ending event. You stopped a drug lord's address getting away. Something we could have done another day. Because of you, Lance may never see again.” Keith took off running. He had to get to Lance.

[bioware-meta]

Companion Study: Jacob Taylor

I know, I know. Jacob Taylor? You’re writing an essay about Jacob Taylor? It’s fairly uncontroversial that he’s the least interesting of Mass Effect 2’s otherwise stellar cast. Even the Shadow Broker doesn’t seem to think he’s very valuable (if you haven’t brought him along on Lair of the Shadow Broker, the difference between the comments on him and everyone else are astonishing). But that’s why I wanted to write about him – almost no one has. But I think there’s a lot of value in analyzing why this particular character fell flat with the majority of the player base, and if you’ll bear with me for a few paragraphs, I think you’ll agree.

While doing research for this essay, I discovered that Jacob Taylor was a pretty major character in a couple of the Mass Effect books. I grappled for a bit about whether or not to consider his actions and characterization in those books in my analysis here, but ultimately decided against it. For one thing, I don’t own and haven’t read the books, and there’s only so much insight you can get out of summaries. More importantly, though, I had no idea these books existed when I played ME2, and neither did most players. A video game series that prides itself on storytelling can’t rely on external media to support its story, so I will analyze Jacob Taylor in the form that the majority of the player base experienced him.

 So, with the limits of this analysis established, let’s dive right in to the problem of Jacob Taylor. I want to briefly note what an honest-to-God shame it is that this character fell so flat. He’s one of the only people of color on Shepard’s squad, and one of the only significant black characters in the game. As a white person, it’s not my place to analyze Bioware’s issues with race in detail, but it felt important to touch on. He’s also a major contributor to fem!Shep’s lack of romance options. He’s a thoroughly unappealing option to most players anyway, but to also have him cheat on Shepard and break off their romance in ME3 is a real slap in the face to the few people who were interested. Having characters whose lives don’t revolve around the protagonist and whose romantic relationships don’t work out is an interesting idea, but it’s a problem that it only happens to female protagonists, who also have a romance option unavoidably die. M!Shep, on the other hand, can always steer their romances to happy endings. That’s a problem.

 So what caused this character to fail so utterly? To understand that, let’s take a look at what the developers were hoping to achieve with this character. We’re introduced to Jacob Taylor as a friendly face in a confusing environment, a casual and collected man who offers up the truth of the situation to Shepard out of moral conviction. That’s a decent introduction. Between that and the first few conversations Shepard has with him on the Normandy, I think we can piece together pretty clearly what Jacob’s character is supposed to be. First and foremost, he’s supposed to be a sympathetic voice. He defends Shepard against Miranda, commiserates with them over Cerberus’s spotty track record, and talks about his service with the Alliance. He’s presented as the voice of reason relative to Miranda and TIM. He’s like Shepard, working with Cerberus because he doesn’t see a better option. And that’s the second thing – he’s like Shepard. He shares a similar career path and went through a similar arc of disillusionment and frustration. He’s supposed to be relatable. Third, he’s a good soldier. He’s dutiful, professional, shows great respect for the chain of command, and a solid combatant. And finally, he’s presented as a voice of reason. He frequently advocates for the “logical” and “morally upstanding” choices. His biases show through rarely. The information he provides to Shepard about the galaxy is meant to be very reliable.

 However, this collection of traits fails to make him interesting, for a variety of reasons. Let’s examine why one at a time. He fails as a character sympathetic to Shepard primarily because he’s set up in opposition to Miranda’s fervent belief in Cerberus. The dichotomy between the two makes plenty of sense in the first mission – one pro-Cerberus, one anti. But this falls apart very quickly thereafter, because absolutely no one else you recruit likes Cerberus. The best you get is indifference from people like Zaeed and Kasumi, and far more often you get burning hatred. The deep vendettas of Jack and Tali against Cerberus burn brightly, and Jacob’s mild dislike for them fades out in comparison. This is especially bad for him because his character concept is grounded in the contrast between his reluctant partnership with Cerberus and Miranda’s conviction in their methods. It’s simply uninteresting when compared to the rivalry and outright hatred between Miranda and Jack.

 His failure as a sympathetic ear for Shepard is, surprisingly, almost completely unrelated to why he fails as a target for Shepard’s empathy. This failure boils down primarily to a failure in the writing of his one-on-one conversations. He’s given a backstory that somewhat mirror’s Shepard’s, but there’s no emotion or color attached to it. We know very little about his feelings about his time with the Corsairs, or the names of his fellow servicemen, or any of the conflicts they engaged in, or the hardships they overcame. Compare to Garrus, who talks at length about the team of vigilantes he put together and the tight scrapes he fought his way out of and the burning sense of purpose that sustained him through his ordeals. Jacob was instead written to be almost completely impassive, private, cutting off any conversation as soon as it ventures anywhere potentially emotional. This can be interesting, done correctly. The majority of the companions begin somewhat emotionally closed-off. But Jacob never opens up. The writer’s attempted to make Jacob seem professional and controlled, but instead they robbed him of interiority. This is especially apparent with his personal mission, which fails to advance any central conflict in his personality or resolve an issue that has clearly been affecting him personally. Even the climax of that mission barely brings any of his emotions or character traits into the limelight, and when Shepard tries to dig into his feelings after the mission, Jacob completely shuts down that line of inquiry, never to be reopened.

 Jacob isn’t helped by the fact that he’s also basically the most ordinary combatant to ever be a permanent member of Shepard’s squad. Mechanically, his powerset is very bland, with only Pull and Incendiary Ammo to start off with, and his unique power is functionally interchangeable with two other unique powers, simply extending the user’s shields. And within the game’s story, his abilities are just as ordinary. He’s not a vigilante sniper, a dying assassin, a genetic experiment, or a biotic engineered into the ultimate weapon. He’s just a security officer who happened to not die in the opening level. Simple competence as a combatant looks a lot less valuable when everyone else on the team was recruited because they were extraordinary. In ME1, Kaiden and Ashley had each other to bounce off of, keeping either from looking like the weakest link in a party consisting of fascinating alien experts, and by ME3 neither of them could be considered ordinary soldiers by any stretch of the imagination. But Jacob is just clearly the weakest link of ME2.

 His final and weakest central character trait, acting as a general voice of reason, actually works the best out of any of these. It simply fails to be impactful because the previous three failed so significantly that the player has no real interest in him, so his opinion is unimpactful.

 Having laid bare the flaws in Jacob’s character design, what have we learned? What was the primary factor that created such an uncompelling character, and how could he have been done better? In my opinion, the prime cause of the failure of Jacob Taylor comes from what role the writers wanted him to serve. They intended him to be Shepard’s number one, the friend and confidante that Shepard sees themself in. This was an ill-conceived idea for two reasons. First, there’s player behind the character of Shepard, and that means there is no one-size-fits-all most sympathetic best friend and supporter character. Everyone is going to see it differently. Second, this was a bad idea because there’s already a character returning from a previous game who had this effect on the majority of the player base with astonishing effectiveness, and that’s Garrus Vakarian. Other have written more and better than I could ever hope to on what makes Garrus such a great character, so I’ll leave that alone for now. Instead, let’s talk about what Jacob should have been, instead of trying to fight for Garrus’s role.

 First, I would make Jacob a true believer in Cerberus. As it was, Miranda was the only one who really backed Cerberus – for good reason, the organization was completely mistrusted by outsiders. Making Jacob a true believer would go a long way towards making the presence of the shadowy group feel more immediate, rather than confined to Miranda’s room and TIM’s video calls. This would also open up more avenues to compare and contrast him with Miranda in ways that aren’t better filled by other characters. Preserve Jacob’s general friendliness and moral conviction but put him in control of it. Make him the honey to Miranda’s vinegar, doing his best to gain Shepard’s confidence and exert Cerberus’s agenda over them. Don’t necessarily make him good at it – he’s not a spy – but put that barrier of distrust up that justifies his emotional distance from Shepard. Make him a professional – but this time, he’s not working for Shepard, he’s working on Shepard.

 Naturally, this substantially shifts the nature of his interactions with Shepard. Now Shepard has to not just assess him as a person, but try to shift his loyalties away from Cerberus, just as they must do with Miranda. Likewise, Jacob would have pressure to open up a little more, to try to earn Shepard’s trust through emotional intimacy. This allows us to maintain Jacob as a deeply private person while still letting the audience get to know him through those anecdotes and emotional drives that are so sorely missing from his actual conversations. I’d also consider moving him from the Corsairs to N7. This would shave off a bit of exposition on an element that never seemed to go anywhere, as we never directly interact with or are influenced by the Corsairs in the games. And of course, his personal mission needs to be much more grounded in his issues. We could even preserve most of the basic structure of the mission that appears in game if we provide some crucial background. Have Jacob early and often credit his father with his morality and dedication and, position his disappearance as something that Jacob blames the Alliance for. Don’t make this the inciting incident for Jacob’s defection, we should avoid reducing his morality to a product of his personal suffering, but certainly make it a bitter mark against the Alliance. This allows Jacob’s euphoria and subsequent disillusionment with his father’s survival to have a much more profound impact on his beliefs as it throws him into a crisis over whether his choices and moral compass have come from a worthwhile place – and with the previously established emotional intimacy between him and Shepard, the player can actually see this crisis, unlike in the actual game. I can see a few different trajectories that that could send his character on that could have a substantial impact on ME3, but that would basically be an essay in itself, so we’ll leave it alone for now.

 Next, make him more than just an average soldier. Give the player a reason to think he’d be a good person to have on the team. Maybe instead of being station security, he could be a military expert there to evaluate Shepard’s mental faculties once the Project is finished. Or maybe he could be positioned by TIM to watch Shepard and assassinate them if they go off the rails. The specifics don’t necessarily matter – just present him as being someone who could be taken seriously as a choice for your team when you could pick an ancient asari warrior or the greatest master thief in the galaxy instead.

 Finally, drop the only sane man angle entirely. ME2 is entirely about Shepard corralling dysfunctional superpowered idiots into a workable team. Let Jacob express strong opinions and clear biases for the player to consider and grapple with. Let some personality through the professionalism.

 Maybe you disagree with me. Maybe you think Jacob Taylor is fine as is and I’m going on a ridiculous rant. Maybe you’re right. But to me, and to many others, Jacob Taylor failed as a companion, which is a damn shame, because there was so much that could’ve been done with him instead.

[tradernahas]

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[maydaycatz]

WEIRD HALF LIFE THINGS I THINK ABOUT VOL 1

- gordons journey started in new mexico and most likely ends somewhere in or near the arctic

- in blue shift, barney consciously gets in the car at the end. in most of half life alyx, alyx says and does things out of the players control. in decay, both gina and colette do things out of the players control. gordon and adrian are the only ones who’s choices are completely left to the player. considering the “far distant eyes” line in hl2, it is likely that gordon (and possibly adrian) are the only characters in the half life universe completely incapable of making distinct choices when under the control of a player.

- gordon and barney were most likely friends before hl1, given gordon canonically looking at barney on the tram ride

- gordon, adrian, alyx, and eli are likely the only characters to know about the g man (possibly gina and colette too)

- the vortigaunts (+ g man) definitely have some level of knowledge that theyre in a video game, and theyre likely the only ones

- gordon, before hl:alyx, was a very blank slate character. a canvas for the player to paint on. but who wouldve thought that in half life alyx when gordon is observed by the player he actually has a MINUSCULE bit of character!! he becomes a man who’s seen far more than he should, and its amazing that so many people unanimously agree on this, when you only see gordon for a couple seconds!!

- recently ive been thinking about things in games that youre forced to do, and the implications it has on your character. for example, in half life 2, you are forced to save barney from some snipers by throwing grenades at them. does gordon want to do this? we know gordon has a past and a personality based on the employee of the month photo in oppfor and hl:a’s ending, so its not that gordon doesnt have a mind of his own and wants and preferences, cause its obvious the real gordon is still “in there” somewhere. its fun to think about the characters that are supposed to be blank slates.

- going back to weird-thought no. 2, gordon and adrian also happen to be the only playable characters that arent directly referenced in a game prior to them being playable, with a possible exception of barney not having a name before blue shift, but definitely being a character in “flashlight guard”

[lollich0p]

Why you yes YOU should play S.T.A.L.K.E.R Shadow over Chernobyl

Stalker is one of my favorite video game series ever and it's my sworn duty as a fan to tell people to go play a game from 2007. Stalker is a post-apoc open world survival shooter. I first played it when I was very young on my dads computer and never finished it because I wasn't supposed to be playing it at all, and I always remembered it as a walking sim. It is only kinda a walking sim and the rest of it is a intriguing look at an unusual nuclear apocalypse.

Pros: It may be the severe radiation but I absolutely love the games story and was extremely invested in it when I actually played through the whole thing as an adult. It's just a fairly interesting take on a very bad situation. (I'd definitely recommend watching this lore video after you play/watch all of them it's one of my favorites) It has delightfully dated graphics (your menu is a pda :D) that may be a little off putting but if you like older games this one will definitely be a favorite. It has an amazingly desolate atmosphere and the textures, modeling, and map design really give everything a real but slightly unnatural feel, you will feel in danger most of the game in the best way. The game has a really good sense of humor where appropriate and I have to tell you I had the biggest smile on my face watching a translated jokes video recently. I really love the voice acting, both the english and russian sounds good (I wish I could turn on the russian v/o for everything imo) I really like the slower gun combat it feels very good, like every second of combat really means something (also you can get a sniper rifle so its a 10/10 for me) The game has an amazing ost my favorite is Cordon You know that video of some guy sorting his storage in re4? That's how your inventory works. (you also have a stamina run bar that is effected by how much stuff you're carrying) This game is so old it could literally run on a toaster. (if you play on max settings please turn you contrast back up or else the game looks like shit) It has multiplayer if you wanna hang out with the homies. Plus it's literally six dollars on steam.

Cons: Right off the bat I wanna say the devs tried to do nfts with the property, the fans complained and they didn't in the end but if that would prevent you from buying the game I want you to know. The game has a very small english speaking fanbase so finding content can be a bit hard This game has scary and upsetting visuals (mutants, dead guys, darkroom combat) The game can get very difficult at certain points, especially for a new player. The combat is brutal and realistic (if you get shot with bullets it hurts alot) and you're heavily rewarded for taking the slow careful route at all times, the npcs are very clever they can and will sneak up on you and shoot you full of so many bullets. The controls can be a bit wonky and take some getting used to, for me personally it kinda strains my hand to manage standing upright/crouched/crawling with the default buttons. The game doesnt pause when you're looking at you inventory or at your PDA which can be annoying if you aren't used to it. You know that video of some guy sorting his storage in re4? Thats how your inventory works. (you also have a stamina run bar that is effected by how much stuff you're carrying) The ai can be a bit janky because the game is old. Sometimes characters will get stuck repeating voicelines or continually run into walls. This game crashes sooo much it's not funny (save often).

Thank you for coming to my TED talk please go play stalker for all it's flaws it's still a great game that I think more people need to play. Also once again it costs as much as three cheeseburgers from mcdonalds.

[chojin-cu-chulain]

Captain Starmaster 3010

**Content warning, and Trigger warning for suicide: Even though it is depicted as a fictional event even within the confines of the story, a character commits suicide. This isn’t to glorify it, but to show an in universe shocking twist in the fictional game, and because the character was experiencing an existential crisis. I apologize to any survivors, or loved ones of people who have committed suicide who might get offended**

The following is taken from a now deleted blog called “Games Addiction” run by a user calling themselves “OldHerbz” or Herbz for short that mostly specialized in the review of obscure video games from the 8 bit, and 16 bit eras occasionally going to into other types of games.

March 15, 2015: Yo Yo everybody it’s your boy Herbz here, and welcome to another installment of Games Addiction were I find old games no one’s heard about, and see if they’re Class 5 classics for Class 1 crud.

So today I was at the local flea market like always scoping out for new games when I saw a counter run by some old guy I had never seen before.

The counter had a bunch of games I had seen before like sports games, shooters, Zelda 2, etc but there was this one Sega Genesis cartridge that caught my eye.

It didn’t have a sticker on it just a piece of white tape with the words “Starmaster” written on it.

I thought it sound like a spaceship shooter like Raiden or R Type, so I asked the man running the counter, and he said it was $5 so I poneyed up the cash and bought it.

So, let’s see how this game plays shall we?

So, we got the usual stuff like “Licensed by Sega of America”, and some logos from a company called Cytek or something that I never heard of before, but the copyright stuff says 1990.

Now there’s a shot of the Earth in outer space, and some white text crawling up.

The text says “Earth: the year 2010. War, and pollution have taken their toll on the Earth, and it cannot continue to support human life.”

We see what looks like a futuristic city with some flashing explosions, Then the screen goes white, and when it clears the city is in ruins

There’s a clip of some scientists working in a lab which pans to show this giant spaceship that looks like some giant tower poking out of a flying saucer

“The surviving governments of the world have decided to put aside their differences just once to come together to combine their collective intellect to create a space colony called the Eden”

there are some guards in futuristic military clothes leading a crowd of faceless people into ramp that leads into the ship.

“The Eden will take a small 10, 000,000-person population into space in the hopes that someday when the effects of man’s ravaging of the planet undo themselves man can return to his home.”

It goes back to Earth in space only now it looks all weird, and alien, and post-apocalyptic, and all that stuff

“The year is now 3010, Scientists on the Eden have determined that the Earth is once again fit for human inhabitation but there is one problem:

In the intervening millennium Earth has been overrun with dangerous, and carnivorous life forms.”

We see a bunch of weird looking monsters the most normal looking ones I can think of look like some humanoid mammal monsters with claws, and slanted eyes but even then they have horns coming out of their elbows, their arms are held out like a mantis’s, and their walking like their sitting down.

The weirder ones look like flying blobs or lizards with what look like moaning human faces, or they look like something out of an old episode of Star Trek.

Then one of these monsters looks directly at the player, and slashes at the screen leaving these white claw marks

“The only hope for humanity is to send down the Eden’s greatest, and bravest soldier Captain Starmaster down to Earth to eliminate the predatory mutants so mankind can reclaim the Earth.”

We see some guy step out of the darkness, and he looks like something out of VR Troopers or Ropcop with this white or silver armor, a black visor, and all sorts of glowing lights on him.

All the while there’s this bad ass sounding super heroic music playing.

“Captain Starmaster is equipped with the most powerful, and deadly weapons in human history as well as various tools which can help him explore any terrain no matter how treacherous”

Now there’s a POW show that looks life your typical red screen with techno crap all over including a target.

Next, we see Captain Starmaster firing some futuristic machine gun that shoots lasers.

We then see the various monsters from earlier being hit and blown up by the lasers in the most PG rated way humanly possible.

Then it shows Captain Starmaster, and the title screen shows up in these futuristic silver letters that say “Captain Starmaster 3010”

There’s a thing that says, “Start Game”, and another that says “Menu”

I go down to “Menu” first, and hit start, and it shows the usual stuff like Passwords, Dificulty, Music all that Jazz.

Anyway, on to the actual game itself I go up, and hit start game

The first level seems to rocky mountain level.

A green text box with a red orb of light next to it shows up.

The text box reads “Captain Starmaster this is Eden do you read us?’

Then the red orb is replaced with a picture of Captain Starmaster’s face.

He says “I read you. My goodness it’s worse than we thought”.

The Red orb replies “Starmaster we need you to clear out all the mutants in this area. We are sending you a Sonic Wave Gun, and some Climbing Claws to help you with your mission.”

Starmaster than says “Understood Eden commencing mission”

The red orb replies with “Good Luck Captain you are only hope”

The game itself seems to be some Metroid knock off.

I don’t think Sega had too many of those except for Slime World but they did have a lot of Mario, and Zelda clones.

The controls are pretty simple you use the D Pad to move around, A jumps, B fires your weapon which is the laser machine gun from the cutscene Start pauses, and C brings up a menu where you equip weapons, and gear which is blank for now.

I move around the level there’s all sorts of weird flying turtle monsters with Xenomorph looking teeth, and rocks that look like they’re part of the background but then when you get too close, they turn out to be some centipede looking creatures.

Eventually I get to some futuristic white pods I can go into.

When I do Starmaster glows green, and a text box says, “You now have Climbing Claws”, and “You now have Sonic Wave Gun”.

When I go to the cliffs, I can now climb up them, and when I switch to the Sonic Wave gun Starmaster’s gun now shoots this yellow wave at enemies that can shatter certain rocks so I can move forward.

After what seems like forever I finally get to the boss.

It looks like some weird mix of a gorilla, and a mole on top but the bottom looks like an earth worm or a snake.

It attacks by shooting its own wave attack, and then launching a couple of rocks that attack the player in some circular motion.

It takes me forever but eventually I find out you supposed to hit the monster’s eyes until some green jewel like orb shows up on its stomach, and fire at it.

Eventually I win, and the monster explodes in typical 16-bit fire effects.

That’s all for now but tommorow I’ll get to the other levels.

I’ll try to be as brief as I can with the next few levels.

So now we have a forest level.

The trees are a mix of the kind you’d see in a forest in California, the kind you’d find in the jungle.

Some of them have seeds that look like angry faces with sharp teeth, and move around with spider leg like roots, and attack by waving their branches around like whips.

Some of the monsters look like a cross between a wild cat, and some bug like a termite or a wasp.

I’m supposed to get a weapon called “Homing Sniper”, and an item called “Wood Saw”

The homing Sniper ends up being some blue laser that locks on to enemies in an L shape, and the wood saw clears trees you can’t get past.

The boss is weird I don’t know if it’s one creature or two.

The top part looks like some yellow, and black insect with dragon fly like wings, spider eyes, and a grasshopper like body while the bottom looks like some tumble weed with a billion purple eyes, and these giant white, and red flowers that shoot lasers.

I find out the weak spot is the wings, and the tumble weed part, and move on.

Next is an ice level with these creatures that look giant balls of fur with teeth and tentacles, and giant sea urchins that look like they’re made of ice.

I get these boots that let you walk on ice without slipping, and a flame thrower for melting blocks.

The boss is some weird lizard creature that looks like a brontosaurus with a turtle shell, and a t rex head that breaths freezing mist, and shoots lasers out it’s eyes that I have to shoot the neck of when it’s not attacking.

Next is volcano level where I get a heat shield, and an ice beam.

Some of the monsters here are weird looking like these green blobs that turn into humanoid shapes, and some hoping stick insects that fire spread shots.

The boss reminds me of Gudis from Ultraman towards the future only skinnier, and purple.

It attacks with these blue energy rings, and this green gas.

I’m supposed to use the freeze ray to freeze the gas into a platform that I can use to climb and use my other weapons to attack the exposed brain which is the weak spot.

Now it’s a water level there’s all these weird monsters that look like a cross between a crab or a lobster, and some coral.

Another looks like some squid or octopus, but its tentacles are electric eels

I’m supposed to get an item that allows Starmaster to move through the water without sinking, and an “Electro Gun” that fires electricity in a weird trident formation.

I get to the boss, and it’s some cross between a shark, a whale, a manta ray, and a bunch of other sea animals.

The weirdest thing is that sometimes it points itself up, and the bottom which is now the front looks like some deformed mermaid or something.

I’m supposed to hit this angle like tail it has when it goes to the mermaid stage.

After that I get another cutscene where the red orb of light says “Captain Starmaster we believe we have found your last target enter the ruins, and eliminate the mutant menace once and for all”

Starmaster replies “Affirmative Eden I will not fail”.

The next level is a sewer level they bring back some of the monster from previous levels and include some of the monsters from the opening cutscene.

It also seems like a final exam level because I’m supposed to use all the weapons, and items I collected so far.

I also have to get one last time that lets Starmaster go through radiation clouds without getting hurt, and this thing called “The Super Laser” that’s this big laser that takes up a third of the screen.

Not only that but I have to fight the bosses again.

Then I get another section and it looks like the surface of the ruined city from the opening cut scene.

I fight all the various monsters until eventually I get to the final boss.

I’m trying to think of a good way to describe it other than it’s like a PG rated version of something you’d see in John Carpenter’s The Thing.

It’s got four legs, and four arms, it has insect wings, and bird wings.

The legs look like a mix of reptile, and mammal.

I think has fins, and gills, and it has some weird mollusk like head with a billion eyes, and some melting looking human face for a stomach.

It’s not surprisingly the hardest boss in the game since you have to use every weapon in the game to hurt it.

It swipes at you with its arms that your supposed to freeze into platforms to climb and shoot the head.

Then it fires lasers and breaths fire, and you’re supposed to use the electro gun, and homing sniper on the head.

Next it spits acid, and you’re supposed to use the Sonic Wave gun to disorient it while you use the flame thrower on its acid sacs.

Finally, it fires a wave attack from the melting face while you use the super laser to finish it off.

At last we get one final cutscene.

Captain Starmaster then walks through the ruins of the destroyed city and enters a building.

He walks up to a computer, and a spike comes out of his arm like in Robocop and he enters it into a port.

Some binary code flashes on the monitor, and then we see an image of a man in a recording.

Some text appears on the screen.

“They abandoned us. They thought no one else was left on this planet but we were”.

The man continues “Please if you can hear us there are still people trapped on Earth. Pleas rescue us”.

The recording continues “It’s no use we’re stuck here our best bet is to try to survive, and repair what’s left of the Earth”.

Then the recording shows the man only now his teeth looked like fangs, and his eyes were all yellow.

The man said “It’s too late. Our scienitsts say because of all the lingering chemicals, and radiation those of us left behind are starting to mutate.”

He adds “At first it will be physical but at some point, our minds will revert back to knowing only how to kill or be killed. Oh god why us.

Then finally it just shows one of the monsters from the game, and the text now says “Meat. I must have meat”. Then it shows him roaring, and it plays the sound file for the monsters roaring.

Starmaster then asks, “Did you see that Eden?”

Then the red orb of light appears and replies “unfortunately yes captain”.

Then it flashes back to the Eden leaving Earth.

Then it shows a still image of people on the Eden as the text says “At first when humanity left Earth in the Eden everything was peaceful, and everyone was happy”

Then it shows the people looking frightened.

The text says “But it didn’t last the survivors realized they weren’t enough resources to survive a permanent existence in Eden”

Then it shows Eden’s computers, and the inhabitants looking at the Eden’s robotic workers.

The text now says, “Faced with a difficult decision the survivors made the hardest choice they could make”.

It then shows the people in tubes next to computers with glowing lights, and then cut to the lights on the eyes of the Eden’s robots lighting up

The text continues “The inhabitants of Eden downloaded their brains into the ship’s computers, and then uploaded them into robotic bodies.”

It then cut back to Starmaster in the building saying “So that’s it. It was all for nothing”.

Then it shows Starmaster taking off his helmet to reveal a Terminator like robot skull.

Next Starmaster reaches into his own chest plate pulls out a device that looks like a cross between a mechanical heart, and a miniature nuclear reactor, and crushes.

Then his red eyes go dead.

Next, we see the Eden land, and its robotic inhabitants walk out.

We see the robots doing experiments on the mutants.

The text says “Unfortunately the inhabitants of Eden were unable to return the mutants to human form but they after continuous experimentations were able to restore the inhabitants’ sentience.

Then it shows the robots growing mutants in tube, and then showed them going back into the mind transference machines.

Then it shows the mutants in the tubes waking up, and it showed the robots, and mutants living in harmony.

Then the text says “And so the sad tale of Captain Starmaster came to a happy end. Humanity maybe extinct but life will find a way to continue who knows for sure if this is truly the fate that awaits us but if we continue on our current path it might”.

Then it shows the Earth in space again with the letters Game Over The End.

Well that’s Captain Starmaster.

The graphics are great for the time.

The gameplay is awesome.

I wonder why they never released it publicly other than obviously the big twist would have been seen as a bit too intense for young kids.

Not to mention I can’t help that a lot of players would have thought the twist would seem like a fuck you ism to them.

Still considering that environmentalism was a big deal back then, and this was just before the USSR ended, I can see why they felt the need to make a point on what the aftermath of war and pollution.

That is why I’m declaring Captain Starmaster a class 5 addicting game.

This is OldHerbz saying stay addicted.

[thelittleredheadedmusician]

Family Gatherings

This is pure self indulgent fluff. Also the Phone Fic that I keep bloging about. Can be found here on my ao3! Rating: PG (Mild language) Words: 5,112 Gen

Family gatherings are not words generally associated with the individuals who make up Gotham’s vigilantes. Strategy meetings, subterfuge, infighting, assassin, spy, creepy, know it all. These are terms they are well versed in. This is why the text message that Bruce sent out at 9 am on Saturday was such a surprise.

“I request that all of you come to the manor for a family gathering at 7. Alfred will be serving dinner promptly at 7:30. What the hell is that supposed to mean Tim?!” Dick could practically hear his little brother shrugging on the other end of the phone.

“I dunno. Maybe he wants to go over his will.”

“That’s not funny and you know it.”

“C'mon Dick! Like you have a better explanation?”

Dick sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “No. Do you think everyone will come?”

“I know Steph and Harper will out of pure curiosity. Everyone else,” Tim paused and took a deep breath, releasing the rest of his sentence on the exhale, “who knows.”

Dick nodded, not really caring that he couldn’t be seen as habit was habit. “Ok. Well Damian will be, Cass for sure, Babs is going to be there cause she hates being out of the loop, Jason…” Dick trailed off, looking down at his bare feet. He’d woken to find the text blinking at him from a half dead phone screen. Knowing that he’d have seen it already too Dick immediately called Tim and had been pacing around the apartment in his pajamas with the now nearly dead cell to his ear.

“Yeah,” Tim said empathically.

“Maybe he’ll come for Alfred?” Dick tried.

“You know him better than I do.”

“You’re right. And I don’t even know why he does half the things he does. I’ve gotta charge my phone. I’ll see you later?”

Tim snorted. “Of course you do. Alright, yeah. I’m meeting up with Tam soon anyway. Bye.”

“Bye,” Dick frowned at the phone. Now that the call with Tim had ended it had returned to the group chat Bruce had sent his text in. Not a single person had replied and Bruce likely didn’t expect them to. Just that they showed up. He stuck it on a charger in the living room and went to get a shower. After breakfast Dick collapsed onto the couch. Having wrapped up a case the night before he decided to reward himself with some video games.

Dick started up Call of Duty, grabbing a controller and his headset. He smiled as he saw that both Roy and Wally were currently online. He started a game with them and as soon as he slipped the headset on he could hear Roy swearing already. “What gives, it’s like 7 or something out there. How the hell are both of you awake and playing video games?” He asked once the cursing died down.

Wally snorted as his character took out a sniper on the screen. “Linda and the kids went to visit her parents. I’ve got the house to myself for the weekend and Bart and I have been playing all night. Kid passed out about 2 hours ago.”

Dick shook his head and tried to figure out how many energy drinks the speedster must’ve downed in order to still be awake. Especially taking into account his metabolism.

“How’d you get out of going with?” Roy tossed a grenade into the building on the screen, causing the whole thing to be temporarily covered in cgi flames.

“I’m the Flash. And her parents don’t know. Plus I’m on call for the League.”

“Then how was staying up all night a good idea if you were on call?” Dick punched a complicated series of buttons that Tim had shown him, taking out the three guys on the roof and the two on the ground.

“Clark’s on monitor duty. I’m just the back up. And nobody does anything in the middle of June. It’s like common knowledge.”

The other two made noncommittal sounds of agreement as they continued to play.

“Alright, Roy what’s your excuse?” Dick tried to reload as they were ambushed from above.

“Lian had a nightmare. I just got her back to sleep about a half hour ago and now I can’t sleep. Living on the West Coast has its perks when your gaming buddies don’t get up ‘til noon and live in Jersey.”

“I don’t know which part of that I should be more offended by. The fact you think I don’t get up ‘til noon or the way you said Jersey.”

“Jersey,” the others replied in unison.

Dick scoffed and pouted, not that it did any good as his friends were in Keystone and Star respectively.

“Alright, you’re chattier than usual. What gives?” Roy asked.

“What? What’s that supposed to mean?” Dick sputtered.

Wally paused the game and snorted. “Dude. You’re being nosy. Even for you. Plus you only ever play Call of Duty if stuck on a case or having personal drama. We’ve known you since you were in pixie boots, doesn’t take a detective to know your quirks by this point.”

Dick groaned and put the controller down, scrubbing his hands down his face. “Bruce texted us all this morning that he’s having a ‘family gathering’,” he knew they’d hear the implied air quotes in his tone, “and that we’re all expected to be there.”

“That’s rough,” Wally told him.

“Yeah man. D'you know why?” Roy added.

“No. And I don’t even know if everyone’s gonna bother showing up. He did it in a group chat but there still hasn’t been a response from anyone. I dunno. I honestly think I’d be less stressed if he’d said there was a mass break out at Arkham and we needed to meet for assignments.”

“Ok, that’s depressing. Also the fact that breakouts don’t even phase you anymore? Like? The hell?” Wally said, still obviously on an energy drink high.

“If we start an argument about rogues we’re gonna get so off topic and be here forever,” Dick shot back.

Grumbling could be heard from Wally but Dick was satisfied that his friend wouldn’t say anything.

“Lemme guess. You’re worried about Jason. You think cause Bruce asked you guys to come he’s not gonna bother,” Roy speculated.

“Pretty much,” Dick sighed. “Have you heard from him recently?”

“Sorry man. Last I heard he was running around with that new team of his. I think he’s still a little pissed I rejoined the Titans,” Roy replied.

“Yeah. Ok. Thanks.”

“Not a problem. Whine at us anytime, that’s what friends are for,” Dick could hear the smirk Roy was giving him.

“That and getting drunk at dive bars while listening to crappy cover bands together,” Wally chimed in.

Dick burst out laughing at that. “You can’t even get drunk!”

“So? Doesn’t mean I can’t go with!” Wally sounded wounded but Roy didn’t care about offending the other redhead and Dick knew his friend was about ready to crash and wasn’t going to remember much of this conversation anyway.

“Go to sleep West,” Roy got out between snorts.

“Seriously dude. Way too many red bulls.”

Wally grumbled and finally said, “Fine. Whatever. Text bout what happens,” before signing off.

“So do you think he’ll show?” Roy asked once he caught his breath.

“I honestly don’t know. As far as I’ve heard none of us have done anything to particularly piss him off recently. Not even Bruce. And it was a request, granted he’s going to just expect us all to be there but the text at least made it sound optional. And it said Alfred would be there which is always a plus for Jay.”

“Well good luck and keep me in the loop. I’m always willing to act as an outside opinion on your family’s drama,” Roy told him.

Dick chuckled. “That’s just because it makes your family drama look tame.”

“You bet! We made be loud and extremely dysfunctional but at least we haven’t tried to kill each other.”

“You make that sound like it happens a lot,” Dick whined.

“Dude.”

“Ok, ok. I’ll text you later.” Dick closed the game and pulled his headset off. Tossing it onto the coffee table he laid down on the couch. He was still unsure about what was going to happen later that night but he at least felt better knowing that he had friends who would let him vent afterward.

Dick swung his legs off the couch and stood in one fluid motion. He grabbed his phone, headphones, and keys and decided to go for a jog. It was a nice day, Gotham wasn’t too busy on a Saturday in the early afternoon, maybe he could have a normal jog for once. He returned to his apartment 20 minutes later after avoiding no less than six paparazzi, being cat called about ten times, and literally running into Helena. She had been out for a jog too and while he was trying to lose a particularly insistent cameraman they had both rounded the corner at the same time going in opposite directions. She had not been happy, yelling something about how he should watch where he’s going and “Dammit Grayson! That hurt!” As well as a mix of fairly creative curses in Italian.

Dick had offered to make it up to her but she just waved him off. Saying “You and Barbara are obviously both distracted. Bruce has got you ex sidekicks seriously messed up with these mind games. I’ll just send you Zinda and my next bar tab.” Dick had felt himself visibly pale at that and she had laughed and said not to worry before continuing on her way.

Dick was still pondering over her mention that Babs was distracted too. Obviously Bruce’s text was having some effect on her that Helena had mentioned it. Normally, the Birds were close knit and never talked about personal business with the rest of Gotham’s heroes. Especially not the personal business of Oracle their fearless leader.

Flopping back down on his couch Dick fished his phone out of his pocket. He tapped out a quick text to Babs and hit send, hopping something hadn’t suddenly sprung up that needed her attention. Luckily that wasn’t the case as her response was practically immediate.

~What’s up boy wonder? Helena said you ran into her and that you were super frazzled.

~I was wondering if you had heard anything about what Bruce wants us for tonight.

Her response to that took a bit longer and her words were obviously a bit more measured.

~No, I haven’t heard a thing. Why? Have you?

~No. I talked to Tim this morning and he says that he’s in the dark too. It’s obviously nothing serious but it’s been bugging me all day.

Her response to that was more relaxed. If he had to guess he’d say she had thought he knew something she didn’t, and Dick knew that she hated that.

~Me too! I can’t figure out what it is he could possibly want to talk about that we ALL need to be there. I mean, you boys and Cass yeah. Me, Steph, & Harper? Idk. Have you heard from Damian or Jason at all?

~No. I was going to head over in a bit to bug D though. Nothing on Jay.

~Yeah, same here. I kinda hope he comes at least for Alfred but…

~I was thinking the same thing Babs.

~Oh well. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. I’ll talk to ya later pixie boots.

~You’re one to talk miss go-go.

Her response was simply the eye roll emoji and Dick snorted as he slipped his phone back into his pocket. He let his head fall against the back of the couch and fell into a light doze. He woke from his brief nap and patted his shorts for his phone. There were no new messages from Babs, Bruce, Tim or anyone else. No missed calls or alien invasions either. The time told him he ought to get ready and head to the manor if he wanted to pump Damian for information. As well as just hang out with his youngest brother.

Once dressed in jeans and a clean t-shirt Dick headed to garage that occupied the basement of his apartment building. Shrugging on a leather jacket and fastening his helmet he gave the bike’s engine a good rev before driving up the ramp and onto the streets of Gotham.

Knowing that the cops would definitely try and stop Dick Grayson for speeding he made sure to restrain himself from weaving in and out of traffic, especially because Nightwing would be pushing the motorcycle through its paces soon enough. Sitting in Gotham wasn’t enjoyable but being able to fly up the manor’s long gravel drive sure made up for it. He pulled in next to Steph’s purple Mini Cooper, glad to see the Compact was holding up for her. He cut the engine and took his helmet off, giving his head a shake to undo any helmet hair.

Bounding up the steps he swung the over large front door open with a shout of “Hello? Anybody actually above ground?”

The sound of running feet could be heard coming from somewhere on the second floor as Dick put his jacket and helmet on the coat rack. He turned just as he heard a sharp “-tt-” coming from the balcony at the top of the steps. Damian stood there with his arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed, the twitch of his lips betrayed his annoyed facade. “Must you be so abhorrently loud, Grayson?”

“Must you be using SAT vocab at such a young age?” Dick shot back with a grin.

Damian rolled his eyes but his arms fell to his sides and his mouth finally turned up into a smile. “Brown and Row have coerced Cassandra into assisting in appropriating my room, the extra person on my side would be helpful.”

Dick chuckled, “Whatever you say Dami.” He ran up the stairs and followed Damian down the hall to his room. Sure enough the three girls were spread over the plush carpeting, nail polish bottles and other manicure supplies between them.

Damian crossed the room and sat himself on his bed next to Titus and Alfred the cat. The three watched the teen girls from their perch, Damian with minor annoyance, Titus with amusement, and Alfred with the type of utter nonchalance only achieved by felines. The girls glanced up at Dick who had paused in the doorway. Cass’s face immediately lit up and she fluidly rose to her feet and came over to wrap her arms around his neck. Dick returned the hug as she whispered a warm “Hi” in his ear.

“Hey Cass,” he murmured back. She let go and skipped back to the others. Harper gave him a small, two-fingered salute while Steph waved with a large smile. “How long have you been here?”

“Too long,” Damian instantly grumbled.

Harper snorted and Steph nearly doubled over in a fit of giggles. Cass quirked an eyebrow at her little brother before calmly sticking her tongue out at him. “We came for brunch with Cass as we had originally planned and just stayed since we all received the super mysterious text,” Steph told him once she had recovered from her laughter, which had doubled thanks to Cass’s antics.

Dick nodded in response and sat himself down on the floor next to them. Damian gave a short “-tt- Traitor.” He did however edge closer to the end of the bed where he could participate in their conversation.

Dick picked up a bottle of forest green polish and examined it. Cass held out her left hand to him, the fingers of which had been painted, to show him the color. He nodded and gestured that she let him do her other hand. Cass turned to face him as Dick shook the bottle. “So have you guys heard anything about tonight?”

“I wish,” Harper said with a slight huff. “He just kinda grumbled and bolted when we asked.”

“Seriously. We were having our lovely quasi weekly brunch and chatting with Alfred and chasing away this gremlin,” she waved her bright yellow nails at Damian who furrowed his brows indignantly. “All of a sudden, Mr I-am-the-night-and-cannot-properly-socialize-without-being-forced-by-my-over-energetic-ex-sidekick-or-alien-and-amazon-besties walks in-”

Dick nearly choked as a laugh burst out of his mouth, interrupting Steph.

“Can I help you?” She deadpanned with a raised brow.

“I’m good. Just, that’s a new one. Keep going.”

Steph sniffed and flipped her long blonde hair over her shoulder. “As I was saying. Bruce walks in and kinda blinks at all of us sitting in his kitchen. Using his surprise to our advantage Harper courageously seized the moment and asked him what exactly this family gathering will entail tonight. He froze, looking exactly like a cat-sized crime alley rat in the batmobile’s headlights, while Cass jumped up to block his exit. I immediately jumped to add my assistance by asking if this means that Harper, Duke, and myself are technically family too at this point. He just blinked, grabbed a muffin, said something highly unintelligible, and beat a hasty retreat.” Steph gave a sharp nod before turning back to her nails.

Dick had to stop doing Cass’s nails as he was trying too hard on not laughing to keep his hand steady. She swatted at him before rolling her eyes and turning to Damian. “Come,” she said, handing him the nail polish. Damian blinked but skootched to the floor next to Cass and diligently began painting her nails.

Dick wiped at his eyes, trying to remember why he had been so against Steph being Batgirl when the two so easily amused each other. “So we’ve got nothing?” he finally asked.

“Nope,” Cass said, admiring Damian’s handiwork.

Harper tossed a bottle of matte black at the youngest Robin and waved her hand toward Dick. Damian blinked but began shaking the bottle and moved to sit in front of Dick. With a shrug he gave his little brother his hand to be painted. “We tracked down Duke then and asked him what he knew. Nada. Honestly we were kinda hoping you’d bring some info with you,” Harper added.

“I’ve got nothing,” he told them with a shrug. “Neither do Tim or Babs.”

“Have you tried contacting Todd?” Damian looked up from Dick’s hand.

“No. He threatened to have baby ducks imprint on me if I called him again.” Damian nodded sagely at that.

“I’m sorry, what?” Harper’s head and eyebrows had shot up.

“He’s been doing that lately. Something about how ‘we all have a death wish but we’ll take care of cute baby animals’ or something,” Steph said, using a poor imitation of Jason’s voice as she acted out his threat.

“You’re kidding?” Harper obviously didn’t believe them.

Cass just shook her head gravely. “No. And baby ducks? No patrol for months.”

“Plus they’re so darn cute like how could you not want to love them?” Steph said in a rush.

“Brown is correct. Also, it is entirely within Todd’s skill set to get them to imprint on one of us.” Damian looked at Harper seriously before turning back to apply another coat to Dick’s nails.

Harper blinked at them before narrowing her eyes, “If you guys are shitting me right now I swear…”

“Scouts honor!” Dick called and held up the three-finger salute.

Damian batted at his hand. “I swear Grayson if I have to redo this,” he grumbled.

“C’mere,” Steph tugged on Damian’s arm and held up a dark shimmering blue. He nodded and allowed her to begin painting.

“So do we have any ideas at least? I know you guys aren’t the type to just let something go,” Dick watched the others.

Cass shot him a smirk. “Understatement.”

There was a knock on the door frame and they all looked up to see Tim and a rather unsure looking Duke standing there. “Alfred told us that you were all up here. Mind if we come in?”

Damian sniffed, “It’s not like my opinion matters at this point.”

“I’m going to take that as a yes…” Tim walked in and took a seat next to Steph.

She squinted at him before leaning forward to search through the pile of small glass bottles. She found whatever one she was looking for and held it up triumphantly. “Maroon?” She asked Tim, waving it just in front of his nose. Tim shrugged and let her pull his hands towards him.

Duke sat down cautiously next to Dick. “So do they always do your nails or…?”

Dick smiled at him. “We don’t really get a say in the matter. Cass just paints them when you fall asleep if you say no.” The girl in question waggled her brows and grinned.

“What about Bruce’s?” Duke asked as he watched Harper shifting through the pile, holding colors up for Cass to consider.

“Ballet Slipper. Once a month,” Cass showed Duke the light pink color. His eyes widened in disbelief and Dick couldn’t help but laugh. Finally, Harper held up a pale orange that both Cass and Dick nodded at. She crawled towards Duke and pulled his hands onto her lap.

“So ideas regarding our impending doom?” Dick asked.

“Like I told you before, I think it’s a reading of his will. He even texted Kate and with the exception of Damian she’s his only living blood relative,” Tim said, peering over the top of Steph’s head.

“Damn Timbo. Way to be morbid. Also, why would I be here if that were the case seeing a how I am legally deceased.” They all whipped their heads to see Jason leaning in the doorway, a smirk on his lips and a nasty glint in his eye. He sauntered in and plopped himself down between Steph and Cass. “Give me the most obnoxious color you have,” he challenged.

“How bout this?” Harper wiggled her own bright metallic pink at him.

Jason scrunched up his nose with a “nah.”

Dick rummaged around in the pile before pulling out a glitter gold. He threw it to Jason who caught it and beamed. “Why thank you Dickie-bird.”

“So, uh, why did you come then?” Duke asked.

Jason shrugged and began to paint his own nails. “You know what they say. Curiosity killed the cat.”

“But satisfaction brought it back,” Duke finished the expression.

Jason gave the other boy a Cheshire smile. “I knew I liked you.” He then continued to add layers of glitter. They all just stared in shock for a few seconds. Jason looked up and his eyes skipped past them as he smiled. “Hey there Barbie. This Batgirl is free for manicure giving,” he said pointing to Cass.

Dick turned to see Babs just outside the door. Her expression was amused but the set of her mouth was definitely her trying to look annoyed. With an eye roll she wheeled herself into the room. “I thought we were supposed to be here for seven. Why is it that we all managed to get here just under three hours earlier?”

Dick pushed himself back up onto the bed so that he would be eye level with Barbara as the others offered up a jumble of explanations. “Paranoia” “Fear of the unknown” “Intrigue” and “Who the hell knows” were the few Dick could make out.

He mumbled “Slow day at the office” and caused Babs to crack up.

“That it is,” she told him with a smile. Cass held up a dark purple that Babs nodded at and before she could get up Dick grabbed the bottle. He turned to Babs and motioned for her hand. They spent the rest of the time leading up to the big meeting sitting in a circle in Damian’s room with painted nails and the animals now nudging for attention.

That was exactly how Bruce and Kate found them when they went looking for them. Dick had seen them coming up the hall and gave a quick jut of his chin to acknowledge them. They had stopped short of coming in though, Kate wearing a huge smile and Bruce his more subdued but still genuine lip twitch.

They stood there for a few seconds, watching as Steph and Jason fell against each other in a fit of giggles. Cass had taken the tiny hair rubber bands and was using them to give Damian braids. Duke and Tim were engaged in a detailed discussion of Lord of the Rings and Harper was letting Babs style her short blue hair. All in all they looked like an average, happy family.

Bruce cleared his throat and they all turned to see him and Kate. Cass leapt to her feet and hopped over the legs of everyone else to go give Bruce a hug. Dick couldn’t help but smile because the hug was obviously more forceful than the one she had given him. Or Bruce hadn’t been expecting it as he had swayed slightly when she had jumped up to wrap her arms around his neck. Kate laughed and ruffled Cass’s hair.

Once Cass released him Bruce attempted to recover by smoothing out the wrinkles in his polo shirt. Dick and the others simply waited, knowing that he would speak when ready. He looked up and gave another small smile. “Thank you all for coming. Kate has… explained to me that having monthly gatherings might help you all with your stress levels and, ah, work on interpersonal relations.”

Kate rolled her eyes and give him a sharp jab in the side courtesy of her elbow. Bruce shot her a wounded look that Dick had to try very hard not to laugh at but his cousin ignored it. “What the stick in the mud is trying to say is that we’re having a game night because you all need a morale boost. Now c’mon, Alfred’s got dinner ready.”

With that Kate turned on her heel and marched back down the hall. Bruce gave a sharp nod before following her in a hasty retreat. They all looked around at each other in a stunned silence. Dick pinched himself for good measure, this wouldn’t be the weirdest dream he’d ever had but it was still good to rule out the possibility.

“What the actual, ever-loving fuck?” Jason finally said.

“What he said,” Harper pointed at Jason, eyes wide.

“Grayson, you have the most experience with Father and his moods. What could this be about?” Damian looked up at him from the carpet.

Dick shrugged and shook his head. “I’m honestly as lost as you are. Maybe we should go eat and, I don’t know, enjoy it?”

They all looked much too suspicious to actually enjoy anything but Dick dutifully herded them towards the dining room. Tim hung back until he had fallen in step with Dick. “You don’t actually think he wants us to play monopoly with him or something?” The younger man asked.

“I really don’t know Tim. Kate’s been getting him to actually be Bruce rather than Brucie or Batman lately and this is obviously all her.”

Tim snorted, “Ya think?”

Dick ruffled Tim’s hair and gained a rather interesting hand flail and cat like yowling combination in protest. Finger combing his hair back into position Tim sent him a glare. “I think we should trust Kate on this one and see what happens. Also, you either need a haircut or one of those ponytails Cass had.”

Tim’s glare turned up to full on bat and had Dick not known the kid, or been just about anyone else, he probably would’ve run in fear. As it was he could handle a few dirty looks from Tim.

Dinner was delicious, as everything Alfred made was. The conversation was semi-normal too. Steph complaining about classes, Harper talking about her work at the clinic, Dick told them about his run in with Helena that Babs then added the other half of the story to. No one made a single death threat, no food or utensils were thrown, and all insults were good natured teasing. For a second Dick thought he fell into a parallel world.

That feeling only got worse as Alfred chased them to the living room while he cleaned up. Jason stayed to help and the butler begrudgingly let him. The two joined the others soon enough and they began an intense game of Cards Against Humanity. Alfred and Babs soon took the lead, surprising everyone except maybe Alfred himself.

Bruce came in dead last, only earning that position by having a single less card than Damian. Steph and Jason tied for second and in a surprise twist Cass won. Kate was still cackling at some of the combinations that had won and Babs was telling her she could send the security footage to her later. They played well into the night and Barbara contacted the Birds to patrol as Bruce indicated that the assembled vigilantes were not leaving anytime soon. By the wee hours of the morning they had all stumbled upstairs to their respective bedrooms with the exception of Kate, Bruce, Alfred, and Dick himself.

He had stretched out on the floor watching as Kate slowly took over the sofa and Bruce was forced to go claim his recliner. Alfred chuckled from the love seat, a late-night cup of tea in hand.

“So how do you think it went, chum?” Bruce asked him once he had settled.

Dick shrugged, feeling his shoulders push against the carpet. “You had us all really worried. Tim was convinced that you were going to read us your will.”

Bruce snorted, Kate cracked up and sat up to be able to look down at Dick. “You’re kidding,” she accused.

Dick smirked, “I wish.”

They all laughed and once it had died down Alfred said, “Well you do have a tendency to have the whole family over only in the case of emergencies, Master Bruce.”

That received a small “Hnnh.”

“He’s right. I was telling Roy and Wally that I would’ve been less worried if it had been an Arkham breakout.”

Bruce shot him a wounded look before frowning at a point just above the fireplace. “I want to try and change that,” he finally said.

“If it helps I think this was a really good start. Monthly family game nights definitely are a thing normal people do. And I had fun, I think the others did too. Even Jason,” Dick told him candidly. Bruce nodded, a small smile forming. “Just next time don’t call it a family gathering. You scared the crap out of all of us.”

[starsdustzuko]

Your Hand Forever’s All I Want

wow I can’t believe I finished part 2 so fast nice. ((Part 1))

--

Lance was attempting to go to sleep when he heard the door to Keith’s bedroom hiss open and close. Lance rolled out of bed and peeked out his door to see the Red Paladin heading in the general directions of the hangers.

“What the…?”

Lance followed him as stealthily as he managed, which was pretty damn stealthy since he was the team’s sharpshooter/sniper thank you very much. He followed Keith till he got to Red’s hanger. Then they both took off.

For a moment Lance thought about waking Shiro. He was the team leader, he should know that Keith went off on his own in the middle of the night.

Or he could let Shiro sleep and go after Keith himself. The lions had that telepathic connection, he could follow Keith in Blue.

Lance nearly ran to Blue’s hanger. She was awake and ready for him.

“Hey there my gorgeous girl,” he said.

“Let’s go follow the mullet-head and see what possessed him to go off by himself in the middle of the night,”

Blue took off. They flew to Vathinda.

“What’s he doing here? Didn’t we liberate them from the Galra like a month ago?” Lance asked.

If Blue knew what was going on she didn’t let him know. She landed near Red.

“Wasn’t this where we were last time?”

He walked out of Blue and managed to follow Keith’s movements using the footprints in the earth. The footprints took him to a Vathindian house. Lance hovered near the doorway and managed a quick peak inside, he pressed back against the outside wall and tried to make sense of what he had seen.

Keith was on his knees in front of a faceless Vathindian. What was going on?

“Very well,” the Vathindian said.

“I have returned your feelings for Lance to you,”

Lance yanked away from the abode. Did Keith hate him so much that he had to get his feelings taken away by an alien?

He didn’t remember the hike back to Blue, nor the trip back to the castle. He just remembered standing in Blue’s hanger, thinking about Keith. How could he have misinterpreted the situation so severely? Keith’s actions toward Lance had seemed a little more forced over the past couple of weeks, but Lance figured it was just Keith being broody. Not because he’d gotten his emotions taken away because of how much he hated Lance.

He could feel Blue in the back of his mind, trying to reassure him that he was loved. Lance knew Blue loved him.

“It’s ok girl, I just… misread the situation,” Lance said.

Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. He was so stupid. Lance shuffled back to his room. He felt heavy. His heart hurt. What if Keith wasn’t the only one who was hiding how they really felt about Lance? What if the others felt the same? What if they all hated him? What if Hunk-?

“Stop,” Lance said aloud.

Those were dangerous thoughts. Besides, Hunk always let people know how he felt about them. Lance would know, at the very least, if Hunk hated him.

Right?

He walked into his bedroom and flopped face down on his bed. He stayed like that until he heard Keith’s doors open and close with a hiss. He pushed himself over so he was lying on his back.

If Keith was so annoying then Lance would avoid him. He didn’t want to irritate Keith anymore than he already clearly did.

Keith felt odd when he woke up. He was anxious. He wanted to feel things about Lance, but at the same time he didn’t want them.

He went through his usual morning routine, he spent an hour with the castle Guardians, then took a shower, and then it was time for breakfast.

Keith walked into the kitchen. Hunk was at the stove, Pidge was at the table clutching a mug of coffee to their chest like it was their lifeline, Lance was- Lance.

He was sitting on the counter next to where Hunk was making breakfast. Keith wanted to collapse inward on himself. Lance was beautiful. He felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest.

Then Lance looked at him, a thrill shot down Keith’s spine. Lance turned back to Hunk, no smile or wave of greeting. Odd, but maybe he just wasn’t in a good mood.

Over the course of breakfast Keith found his gaze continuously drawn to Lance. He couldn’t seem to help himself. Lance was so beautiful. Keith loved being in love.

But things were different. Keith was quick to notice that this time around. Lance was avoiding him. When Keith walked into a room Lance would go quiet or he would just leave. If they ever sparred it was tense.

Keith couldn’t figure it out. They hadn’t gotten in a fight, Keith hadn’t made some dumb remark in passing that offended Lance. It just didn’t make sense.

Unless- unless Lance figured out that Keith was in love with him. The thought made him fumble in the middle of training, the Guardian came at him with no remorse. It was blasted off its feet by something behind Keith. He turned to see Lance with his gun in his hands.

“Thanks,” Keith rasped.

“Don’t get distracted,” Shiro called.

Lance dropped his stance, the gun transforming back into his bayard. Keith turned his attention back to the training sequence.

He couldn’t stop thinking about it for the rest of the day. Lance knew. Lance knew and clearly didn’t feel the same, or he wouldn’t be avoiding Keith like he was. That was fine. Keith could get over his feelings, it was just a matter of time.

Lance continued to avoid Keith, Keith acted politely distant to Lance. It should have been fine.

The problem, of course, was Voltron. Keith didn’t was the psychic connection to reveal his feelings for Lance, he didn’t want the other Paladins to know, and he didn’t want to make Lance uncomfortable.

Lance knew it was his fault that they couldn’t form Voltron. He didn’t want to accidentally feel how much Keith didn’t like him. He hated that it affected their ability to form Voltron. He couldn’t stop worrying about what would happen if the team found out. What if they thought Lance had done something to piss Keith off and sided with Keith? What if it caused a rift in the team? What if they replaced him?

“You’re spiraling,” Lance said to himself.

He draped his arm over  his eyes and sighed. He was being ridiculous. He knew he was. Keith was the only one who was acting weird.

“Yo Lance!” Pidge yelled as they ran into his room.

Lance pushed himself up on his elbows and smiled at them.

“What’s up Pidgeotto?”

“Excuse you it’s Pidgeot,” they replied.

“Not till you’re 18,”

“Fine- whatever, look I’m bored. Wanna play some video games?”

Lance leapt out of bed.

“Is that a quiznacking joke?”

Pidge beamed up at him and the two headed to the Paladin-sanctioned media room and played an alien version of Mario Kart (complete with a devastating version of Rainbow Road). It didn’t take too long for Hunk to find them.

“Jeez, Pidge, did you upgrade Rainbow Road again?” Hunk asked, his face scrunched in concentration.

“Absolutely,” Pidge replied.

“Isn’t that a conflict of interest?” Hunk asked.

“It’s a game, Hunk, just because you suck-”

Hunk’s character in the game slammed into Pidge’s, causing them both to fall off the track and into deep space. Lance snickered.

“Oooooh this means war,” Pidge muttered.

Pidge and Hunk spent the next two races annihilating each other, which made Lance the victor. Upon that realization, they began to team up against Lance after that.

“Can’t believe I’ve been betrayed like this!” Lance cried.

Pidge snorted.

“Oh hey Keith! You wanna play? We can do teams!” they called.

Lance looked up quickly to see Keith standing a little awkwardly at the doorway.

“He can have my controller,” Lance said.

“You sure, Lance? We have four controllers!” Hunk said.

“Thanks Hunky but I need to start getting ready for bed, I gotta work to keep myself looking this good,” Lance replied with a smirk.

“Oh yea yea,” Pidge muttered.

Lance walked out of the media room and almost slammed into Shiro.

“You leaving already?” Shiro asked.

“Yea, Hunk and Pidge teamed up on me. Had to leave with my pride in tact,” Lance joked.

Shiro grinned.

“We can tag team them!”

Lance couldn’t help but smile at the offer. He looked back into the room- back to Keith- and shook his head.

“Thanks Shiro, but I’m kinda tired,”

Immediately Shiro shifted in overprotective mode.

“You ok?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Lance assured.

“Alright,”

Shiro watched him walk off before he turned back to the media room. Something must’ve happened between Lance and Keith.

“Shiro! Quit lingering!” Keith yelled.

“Keith needs a partner!” Pidge added.

“I could kick your asses singlehandedly!” Keith replied.

Shiro smiled and walked into the room.

A few quintants and one failed attempt to form Voltron later, Shiro found himself at his breaking point.

“Shiro? What’s going on?” Lance asked as he walked into the room.

Shiro noticed the way Lance looked at Keith.

“I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you, but it’s affecting how we work together as a team and it’s keeping us from forming Voltron,” Shiro said.

“So you guys are going to talk it out,”

Lance and Keith looked at each other and then back at Shiro, identical expressions of disbelief on their faces.

“And you’re not leaving until you work out whatever’s going on,” Shiro said.

“But-!”

“Shiro!”

Shiro shot them a look which effectively shut them up and walked out of the room, the door slid closed and locked with an audible click.

“Look,” Lance sighed.

“I know you hate me but Shiro’s right-”

“I don’t hate you,” Keith protested, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

“What? Of course you do! Why else would you…?” Lance fell silent rather suddenly, his gaze dropped to the floor.

“Why else would I what?” Keith pressed.

“Get an alien to take away your feelings for me?” Lance’s voice was soft.

“What?”

Lance dragged his eyes up to meet Keith’s. He was crying. Lance was crying.

“I heard you and the Vathindian,”

Keith felt cold and clammy. This wasn’t right. He wasn’t supposed to know about that.

“What did you hear?” Keith asked.

“Just that it gave you back the emotions you had for me,”

“That’s it? L- Lance you have to let me explain,” Keith said.

“Why?” Lance asked a little petulantly.

“You don’t know what really happened, please!”

Lance crossed his arms over his chest, trying-and failing- to look angry.

“I asked the Vathindian to take away my feelings for you, I admit that, but it wasn’t because I hate you,” Keith said.

“I did it because I’m in love with you,”

“You’re… what?”

“I didn’t know what to do… I couldn’t handle it and the Vathindian offered me a wish. I made a mistake! I wished that I didn’t have any feelings for you. I wasn’t thinking… I just thought of you and how I felt and I didn’t know what to do about it so I made a stupid wish,” Keith said in a rush.

Keith was trembling, he knew he was.

“We saved Vathinda over a month ago,” Lance said.

“Why did it take you so long to go back?”

“I didn’t realize how bad the indifference was until you got hurt. I knew I had to go back and beg the Vathindian to undo the wish, I just had to wait till we got close enough to the planet before I went back to it,” Keith explained.

They stared at each other for a moment.

“Keith-”

“I know you don’t feel the same, and that’s fine, I just didn’t want you think I hated you,”

“You got an alien to take your feelings for me away, mullet-brain, what was I supposed to think?”

Instinctively Keith ran his hand over his hair, a small smile quirking on his lips.

“Are we good then?” Keith asked.

“No, actually,” Lace said.

“No?”

“You can’t just drop a bomb like that and then assume everything’s going to be fine,” Lance protested.

“You don’t feel the same, it’s fine, I get it, I won’t let my feelings get in the way,” Keith said around a lump in his throat.

Lance looked down at the ground and shuffled his feet.

“I never said that,” he said quietly.

“You… what?” Keith asked.

Lance glanced up at him, his cheeks tinged a little pink.

“I never said I didn’t feel the same way,”

Keith shifted on his feet. His eyebrows pinched together and a small frown formed on his mouth.

“What?” he asked again.

“God is that thing you call hair interfering with your hearing?”

“You love me?” Keith asked, ignoring the jibe at his hair.

Lance turned red and dragged his hands down his face.

“I never said that,”

“Lance!”

“Yes! Ok? Yes! I love you!” Lance said.

“I love you,” he said again, much more quietly than the first.

“I’m in love with you,”

They stared at each other for a few moments. Lance was still beet red and Keith couldn’t stop smiling. The boy he was in love with loved him back.

“Well, are you going to ask me on a date or what?” Lance asked.

Before Keith could say a thing alarms started to blare. They both instinctively tensed.

“You two better have worked things out!” Shiro yelled as he walked into the room.

Lance looked back at Keith and smiled.

“We’re good,”

“Good. It’s time to form Voltron!”

[warfare-in-my-blood-blog]

Nubia Z17 Mini Review: Good camera, not-so-good software

Nubia has recently added a new member to its Z series with the launch of Z17 Mini. Priced at RS 19,999, the smartphone joins the new trend of dual rear cameras. It also comes loaded with some interesting specs sheet, but will it be enough to outlast the competition to become the next desirable smartphone? Let's find out.  Design and Display Nubia is known for making smartphones that don some good looks and this one is no exception. The metal unibody design coupled with chamfered edges gives a premium look and feel. However, it a tad slippery in nature so it is advisable you use a cover with it. The smartphone is, indeed, sleek with just 7.45mm thickness and is certainly lightweight with 155 grams. That said, the phone does resemble just like any other Chinese smartphone available in the market, which is a problem with almost all the players.  

Let’s talk about the display in the Nubia Z17 Mini Review. The front houses a 5.2-inch screen, with some minimal side bezels, though top and bottom are quite noticeable, while at the base you get company’s trademark red colour circle at the bottom flanked between recent menu button and back button. On the right, you will find volume controls and just beneath it lies power on/off button, while on the left, there is dual SIM slot.  At the back, you will find a dual-camera setup at the top-left corner of the device along with a LED flash, while if you go south, you will come across a fingerprint sensor along with company’s logo. The fingerprint scanner is pretty fast, which is a welcome move. Up top, there is a headphone jack, while at the base you will find USB Type-C port flanked between speaker grilles. Overall, the brand has tried to make the smartphone stand out of the crowd, however, the phone ends up with a similar design language that we have seen in other smartphones.   Moving to the display department, the phone features a 5.2-inch Full HD screen with 1080p resolution and a pixel density of 424ppi, which is protected with Corning Gorilla Glass. The Nubia Z17 Mini comes with some good viewing angles and the display is bright enough for outdoor conditions. The display delivers some good colour output, however, we found out it to a bit reflective in nature.  But at the end, it does score some good marks in this department.   Camera The major highlight of the smartphone is the dual-camera setup situated on the back panel. There are two 13-megapixel sensors at the back, with one being a monochrome, while the other sporting an RGB lens. Both the camera uses Sony IMX258 sensor and there is also a sapphire glass protective lens, which is considered scratch proof. For the front, there is a 16-megapixel camera with 80-degree wide-angle lens for selfie and video calling.  

Nubia has a reputation when it comes to camera department and its latest offering is no different. To start with, the camera uses one RGB and one monochrome sensor, which is similar to what we have seen in Honor 8 and Honor 6X. However, unlike the Honor smartphones, the implementation is not that great.

The phone manages to take some great shots

the lighting was appropriate and it is fast to lock focus. The monochrome shots came out to be good, with a good balance between the highlights and shadows. But when it comes low light conditions, the phone shimmers a bit. One can see a loss of quality while clicking in low light, which kind of spoils the mood. Moto G5 Plus, despite sporting a single camera setup, has a better performance compared to this one in the low light conditions.  The phone also supports bokeh effect, which basically blurs out the background (artificially) to give a DSLR-like effect. The mode has its share of hits and misses. If the lighting is good and the subject is at an appropriate distance, the phone manages to do justice to the bokeh effect, other times it just ruins it. The camera UI is simple, though it looks too iPhone(ish). It comes with different modes like Multi Exposure, Mono, macro, 3D, LightDraw, DNG and so on, which are fun to use. That said, the phone does manage to click some good photos and comes loaded with some interesting modes, though the low-light performance could have been better, especially, with two sensors.   Hardware and Software On the hardware front, the device is powered by an octa-core Qualcomm Snapdragon 652 processor along with 4GB of RAM and 64GB of internal storage out of which 11.84 GB is reserved for the system. The storage can be further expanded up to 200GB via microSD card slot. The brand has opted for an older 652 processor, which is more powerful than the latest Qualcomm Snapdragon 625, but it is less battery efficient. The phone was able to complete all the basics tasks we throw at it, be it surfing, streaming, social media and so on. We faced no big problem while multi-tasking as well, all thanks to the 4GB of RAM.  

On the gaming front, it handles most of the casual games like a piece of cake, but when it comes to graphic-hungry games like Iron Blade, Asphalt 8: Airborne and Hitman Sniper, there were some noticeable lags. Overall, the hardware is good, but the phone seems not to be working at its full potential and you can put the blame on the software for this.  The Nubia Z17 mini runs on a dated Android 6.0 Marshmallow with company’s own Nubia UI 4.0 running on top of it. This is where Nubia really need to work. The brand does not have a good past record when it comes to rolling out timely updates. The user interface does make a difference when it comes to improving the performance of the device and this is one is the perfect example of it. Though the UI is pretty clean and comes loaded with some handy features including edge gestures, through which users can perform the different task by using an edge of the screen, it never grew on us. From occasional hiccups to some connectivity issue, this user interface is seriously flawed.  

First of all, one need to long press the back button to go to recently opened apps, while the supposed the recent menu button opens widget option. This creates a lot of confusion and sometimes can be a bit frustrating as well. Vivo had the same functionality, however, the brand rectified it and made it convenient for the users to access the apps by pressing the Recent menu button. Moving on, the smartphone eventually slows down, when you open too many apps in the background and the whole experience becomes a tad disappointing. On the bright side, the edge gestures work fine.  So for example, one can swipe up/down from the edge to switch between the apps. Then there is the split-screen mode, which can be accessed by swiping up from the bottom of the screen and one can also change the navigation buttons, according to his/her need. Overall, we feel that the brand really need to work on its user interface in order to make the phone faster.  Battery and Connectivity The smartphone is powered by a 2950mAh Lithium-ion polymer battery. The battery performance is satisfactory as it able to last a whole day with a single charge under normal usage. However, if you are a power user, then you will get approx. 7 to 8 hours of battery backup, which is again not a good thing. The phone supports fast charging and it gets almost completely charged within 2 hours of continuous charging.  

On the connectivity front, it supports dual SIM, 4G VoLTE, Wi-Fi, Bluetooth 4.1, GPS, NFC and USB Type-C port. The phone also comes loaded with DTS audio, which enhances the sound quality while using the headphones, but other than, other things are pretty much similar to any other smartphone out there in the market. Call connectivity is good, though sometimes we had some issue while connecting Bluetooth to different devices. Verdict

To sum up, the dual-camera setup on the Nubia Z17 Mini does a decent job, while the monochrome mode manages to impress us sometimes. The phone looks premium and is a good performer in daily routine. However, the software is in dire need of optimisation and we hope that the company will surely look into this matter. At the end, when compared to the likes of Moto G5 Plus, Honor 8 Lite, Lenovo P2 and more, the smartphone can be considered as an underdog.

[xiakha]

Metal Gear Primer: The Fandom Pain (6811)

Oh boy here goes.

I am not super into the MG/MGS fandom, I only lurk, but this is a down and dirty primer for a friend that introduces the series and all of the characters (...and the ships). If this is super inaccurate, I am sorry. There are probably plenty of ships that I won’t have here. If someone notifies me, I’ll try to fix it if I can. There’s just so much ._.

Beware! Spoilers abound and will be unmarked. If for some reason you care about the plot of these games and want to discover them for yourself by playing the game, this is not for you. (That said, the gaming experience is obviously quite separate from any paragraph long description I could generate and would be worth looking into, or at least watching Let’s Plays of)

Theme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6miaTf1gF4g

It starts with a man by the name of Kojima. Hideo Kojima always wanted to be a film director, but went into video games instead. After a shaky start in the video game industry under Konami, he was told to take over the assignment of Metal Gear from a senior associate. He turned a fairly straightforward Contra-esque game into the first stealth action game, emphasizing evasion and avoidance over direct combat. This was his first notable hit and he would continue to innovate and expand his repertoire with Snatchers and Policenauts, but at the end of the day, he always went back to Metal Gear, first willingly, but then less and less every time until MGSV. After this last sequel, Kojima split with Konami to form his own independent studio, and we await his first game as an independent producer. So it is at least somewhat important to note that the story of Metal Gear is also in many ways the story of Kojima, and each reflects his artistic journey to that point.

Metal Gear (1987) 1995. Solid Snake infiltrates a nation-state called Outer Heaven that was established in South Africa by a mysterious legendary mercenary. Snake’s unit, FOXHOUND, had previously sent one of its top agents, Gray Fox, to infiltrate Outer Heaven, but it lost contact with Gray Fox. Therefore, FOXHOUND commander Big Boss sends Snake, a solid rookie, into the fray to both investigate Outer Heaven and rescue Gray Fox in a mission called Intrude N313. With the help of Big Boss over the radio and some local resistance members, Snake penetrates successfully.

After finding and rescuing Gray Fox, Solid Snake learns of “Metal Gear,” a bipedal walking tank with nuclear capabilities. With Metal Gear, Outer Heaven hopes to become not just a recognized state but also a new superpower. Snake rescues the scientist, Dr. Madnar,  who was forced to work on Metal Gear and is able to make quick work of the bipedal tank before it is completed, but not before running into traps that seemed specifically set for him. Moreover, Big Boss starts to become erratic, sending bad advice and even breaking the fourth wall to dissuade the player from continuing the game. Lo and behold, that mysterious legendary mercenary is Big Boss, who was playing both sides this entire time. Snake takes Big Boss out and gets out of Outer Heaven before it implodes.

Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake (1990) 1999. Snake is brought out of retirement to infiltrate Zanzibarland in Central Asia. New FOXHOUND commander Roy Campbell and “Hell” Master Miller send Snake in to rescue a Dr. Marv, a scientist who discovered/created a species of algae that can mass produce petroleum-grade hydrocarbons and thus relieve the on-going energy crisis. Dr. Marv was kidnapped by Zanzibarland soldiers to take the world hostage through energy control and captured Soviet nuclear weapons. In the midst of infiltrating, Snake finds out Dr. Madnar was also captured and forced to make another Metal Gear, Metal Gear D. When rescued, Dr. Madnar reveals that Gray Fox, who had gone missing since Intrude N313, is piloting Metal Gear D. Dr. Madnar also reveals that Zanzibarland is led by none other than Big Boss, back from the grave.

Later in the game, Dr. Madnar has one final reveal: he’s gone somewhat vindictively loony after the scientific community rejected him and his little bipedal tank project, so he wasn’t so much captured as invited back under Big Boss’s wing. After taking care of him, Solid Snake takes out Gray Fox in Metal Gear D and takes out Big Boss by take an impromptu flamethrower to his eyepatched butt. Big Boss dies.

Metal Gear 2 is known as the game that no one played in which the story actually came together with larger ideas and themes such as nuclear proliferation and the horrors of the war engine.

Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes (1998) 2005. FOXHOUND, Solid Snake’s former unit, has agents go rogue under the name “Sons of Big Boss” and take over a nuclear weapon disposal facility on Shadow Moses Island off the coast of Alaska. They want Big Boss’s remains and a billion dollars or they use Metal Gear REX against the United States. Colonel Roy Campbell and Master Miller pull Snake out of retirement for this one last-last mission. Again. Snake is to infiltrate the target and neutralize the threat as he sees fit. He meets up with FOXHOUND agents along the way, and they have a strange habit of dying around him. Of note are Sniper Wolf, Revolver Ocelot (who does not die but has his arm sliced off) and Psycho Mantis (who is basically a fourth wall breaking meme on his own). As for allies, Snake meets up with Meryl Silverburgh, another infiltrator; Hal “Otacon” Emmerich, the new scientist forced to make Metal Gears; and a mysterious Cyborg Ninja, who slices off Revolver Ocelot’s hand.

The leader of the Sons of Big Boss, Liquid Snake, reveals to Solid Snake that they’re actually brothers, both clones of Big Boss, thus raising this sequel’s main question “To make the perfect soldier, are GENES the deciding factor?” as the two were a part of a secret cloning project in the 70s known as Les Enfants Terribles which was an effort to replicate the perfect soldier that was Big Boss. Liquid also reveals that he was impersonating (the recently deceased) Master Miller over the radio to trick Snake into doing his bidding, activating Metal Gear REX. They have a fight. The Cyborg Ninja reveals himself to be Gray Fox back again. Gray Fox sacrifices himself. Liquid loses. REX is basically destroyed. Snake is told he has been injected with a virus called FOXDIE that targets and kills FOXHOUND members, but is “programmed” to kill Snake “sometime in the future.” Snake rides off into the sunset with either Meryl or Otacon. The idea that GENES control one’s fate is thus at least half refuted as Snake decides to take his own path and not be the perfect soldier They want. Revolver Ocelot, de-armed, appears after credits to deliver the plans to Metal Gear to a shadowy figure, possibly the US President.

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty (2001) 2007. Solid Snake and Otacon now run a NGO called Philanthropy that wants to put a stop to all of this Metal Gear nonsense. Snake infiltrates a tanker to investigate Metal Gear RAY. At the same time, mercenaries attack the ship for RAY. They are led by Colonel Gurlukovich who brought his daughter, Olga, and Revolver Ocelot along to steal the RAY. Revolver Ocelot has two arms again, one grafted from Liquid’s body. Upon interaction with Snake, Ocelot seems to have some kind of psychic weirdness as Liquid’s personality somehow reveals itself from the arm. Ocelot under Liquid’s control steals RAY for himself, blasting a hole in the ship, abandoning Colonel Gurlukovich, Olga, and Snake to their respective dooms in a sinking tanker.

2009. Codename “Snake” from the newly reformed FOXHOUND infiltrates Big Shell, an offshore facility placed over the tanker spill. Big Shell has been taken over by a group that calls itself “Sons of Liberty” and is led by a man claiming to be Solid Snake. “Snake” quickly renames himself Raiden and meets up with Iroquois Pliskin, a man who claims to be a Navy SEAL. There’s a lot of hostages and stuff. What you need to know is that the entirety of the Big Shell mission is supposed to be reminiscent of the previous games, drawing the question “To make the perfect soldier, are MEMES the deciding factor?” playing on the theory that the circumstances and ideas around a figure make them who they are. The mission goes quite off the rails, Iroquois is revealed to be Solid Snake, trying to clear his name. The man calling himself “Solid Snake” is actually Solidus Snake, a “perfect” clone of Big Boss, who was elected President. He was also a warlord in the Liberian Civil War who conveniently(?) raised Raiden as a child soldier. There’s even a Cyborg Ninja, who is Olga, who only agreed to be the Cyborg Ninja because they’ve taken her child.

This entire scenario was devised by an AI called GW (or George Washington), who has been guiding Raiden along as the Colonel (but not Campbell) trying to make another perfect soldier by recreating scenarios. There’s a fight on a huge submersible fortress thing called Arsenal Gear that houses GW. In order to break free, Raiden uploads a virus into Arsenal Gear and causes the Colonel to freak out in fourth wall breaking ways. Raiden and Snake crash the fortress into Manhattan where Raiden fights Solidus. At this point, Raiden has more or less completely left the path of déjà vu shadowing Snake, and he’s able to katana Solidus to death. Thus, the idea that MEMES controls one’s fate is somewhat refuted as they fail to make Raiden into the perfect soldier They wanted. “They” is also finally revealed to be a shadowy organization called The Patriots, who all take names (like GW) after Founding Fathers. Ocelot seems to be working directly for The Patriots, psychic weirdness besides.

Going back to Kojima, many people argue this video game as an introspective look into what people are looking for in a video game sequel. More of the same? Would they be more upset about having the same exact things happen again, or being given something completely new? Kojima, being the sort to continue to push the envelope, did not settle for more of the same as Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake kinda ended up being.

Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater (2004) 1964. After the end of World War II, the world was split into two... East and West. This is Kojima’s love song to Cold War spy movies, and the key word this time is SCENE. A CIA Agent, code name “Naked Snake” is sent into the jungles in the USSR to rescue a defecting Soviet scientist named Sokolov in what is called the “Virtuous Mission.” Snake infiltrates with the help of Major Zero, Para-medic, and his mentor in the FOX unit, The Boss. He retrieves Sokolov and finds out more about the Shagohod, which is a nuclear equipped tank (sounds familiar, I know). En route to exfiltration, Snake gets sucker-punched by The Boss, who promptly defects to the Soviet Union into the hands of Colonel Volgin, a madman with electrical powers, taking Sokolov and the Shagohod with her. This is a devastating blow to Snake and he almost gets blown up for his troubles as Volgin detonates a nuke. The Boss is blamed for the detonation.

A week later, Naked Snake is sent back into the jungles to kill his mentor as a part of a deal between America and the Soviet Union called Operation Snake Eater. Since The Boss has clearly gone rogue and is the reason for this international incident, killing her, destroying the Shagohod, and putting down Colonel Volgin’s uprising is the best way to make amends. Snake is assisted by his crew (Zero, et. al) over the radio, and an American defector named EVA, who is clearly supposed to be the Bond girl. Snake runs into the Cobra Unit, the Boss’s old unit of supernaturally afflicted emotion based superhuman soldiers, who are calling themselves now “Sons of The Boss.” He kills all of them. He also runs into the Ocelot Unit, which is lead by none other than a young Ocelot (minus Revolver). Ocelot is defeated several times and Snake even introduces the young man to revolvers. Next, Snake gets captured by Volgin, fails to stop Sokolov from getting brutally killed, and gets his eye shot out by Ocelot in quick order. He then fights Volgin and the Shagohod and somehow wins. In the dust, he finds out about the Philosophers, a shadowy organization made up of victors of WWII that hid a ridiculous amount of cash, known as the Philosopher’s Legacy, that Volgin was trying to take for himself. Turns out the Americans were trying to secure it, which is part of why Snake was sent out there. Snake then fights and kills The Boss in probably the most emotionally charged battle in all of MGS. He gets out, but not before being betrayed by EVA who turns out to be a Chinese spy and who steals the location of the Philosopher’s Legacy. EVA also reveals to Snake that The Boss didn’t really defect. Her mission was to pretend to defect get close to Volgin to steal the Philosopher’s Legacy from him, but after the nuclear strike, The Boss was offered as a sacrificial lamb.

Back in the States, Naked Snake is given the title “Big Boss” for surpassing the Boss, is hailed basically the perfect soldier. As Zero builds Snake’s praises as a propaganda piece for his new organization called Cipher, Snake becomes increasingly disillusioned by everything around him, eventually leaving the States completely. After end credits, Ocelot pops up again, tells the KGB that they could use Snake’s work in the jungles as blackmail against the United States, and then tells the CIA that the information that EVA stole from Snake was fake. He had the actual information and would be able to give it over to America so that the United States and the Soviet Union would each have half the Philosopher’s Legacy. Basically Ocelot is playing EVERYONE. He’s also The Boss’s son.

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots (2008) It would be hard to argue that MGS4 isn’t the culmination of this entire clusterfuck of a series. I’ve tried my best to omit anything in the previous details that isn’t relevant to understanding this game or the ships discussed afterwards.

2014. Solid Snake has prematurely aged a ridiculous amount and looks kinda like Solidus Snake, only less buff. They literally call him Old Snake. This also means he looks like Big Boss if Big Boss hadn’t kicked the bucket. Snake is still working with Otacon and they’re raising Olga’s daughter, Sunny, together. Campbell basically hauls Snake out of retirement one last bloody time to end the story, basically. All guns are now ID-locked, meaning only people who are authorized to shoot them can shoot them, meaning there’s a ridiculous amount of control in War now. And this is possible because of nanomachines. Ocelot, now going by Liquid Ocelot, is raising an army of nanomachine’d super soldiers for some nefarious reason and Snake needs to take out Ocelot once and for all now he’s been built up to be this magnificent bastard mix between Liquid and Ocelot in the last three games.

At first, Liquid Ocelot’s after Big Boss’s remains again because Big Boss’s biometrics unlock something about the Patriots’ AI or whatever, giving control of everything to potentially him. Raiden shows up, this time he’s the Cyborg Ninja, and he and Meryl Silverburg do their part covering Snake’s old man butt. EVA reveals herself as the leader of a resistance movement against Liquid, Big Mama. Turns out she is the surrogate mother that gave birth to both Liquid Snake and Solid Snake under the direction of Para-medic, who ran the Les Enfants Terribles project. Ocelot goes after the lot of them to reveal he no longer wants Big Boss’s remains. He actually blows them up. Instead, he’s just going to destroy the Patriots’ AI system and replace it with his own, so he’s in control. To do this, he needs a nuke, but the only place without an ID-locked nuke is Shadow Moses Island. There’s a gratuitous battle of the abandoned Metal Gear REX piloted by Snake defeats Metal Gear RAY piloted by Ocelot. That’s okay for Ocelot, he’s got a new and improved Arsenal Gear, now called Outer Haven. Yes, like Outer Heaven. It has the nuke that Ocelot needs to destroy the Patriots’ AI. They stop him by putting a virus into Outer Haven that destroys Ocelot’s system, the Patriots’ system, and basically leaves civilization teetering on the brink as the system controlling it is destroyed. Snake fisticuffs with Ocelot in this amazing boss battle that echos all of the final boss battles throughout the series, and Ocelot finally dies.

This would be happily ever after, but Solid Snake’s FOXDIE is about to go off. He decides to go out on his own terms, but is stopped by Big Boss! Yes, Snake’s “father” Naked Snake survived the flamethrower to the face all the way back in MG2. Surprise. He stops Snake from killing himself just in time. Big Boss explains how the Patriots were formed with the idea that they’d follow the Boss’s final wish, to see a unified world. Zero took the wish to mean that he needed to control the world to unify it, thus Cipher, the Patriots, and everything that happened since on the shadowy government side. Big Boss took the wish to mean that he should unify the world’s soldiers, giving them a refuge and a consistent means of living. Thus the war. But Big Boss now sees that neither of them were right. With that said, Big Boss reveals lastly that the FOXDIE has mutated to something that won’t kill Snake but will kill him. So “Father” and “Son” have a touching moment. Big Boss finally finally finally freaking dies. And Snake is finally finally finally able to live out the rest of his shortened lifespan actually on his own terms.

You’d think that was where the story ended. And it probably should have! If Kojima had his way. No instead we got

Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker (2010) 1974. Naked “Don’t call him Big Boss he hates that” Snake has established a mercenary group called Militaires Sans Frontières with help from Kazuhira “Master” Miller. They had met in the jungles of Colombia and Snake owned Miller’s entire mercenary group. Snake “convinced” Miller to join him. Thus, MSF. They’re approached by a man by the name of Ramon Galvez Mena, who says that Costa Rica has been taken over by an occupying force and, having no military of its own, needed someone to help liberate it. Snake doesn’t buy it and immediately identifies Mena as KGB, but Paz, Mena’s student, has a recording of The Boss, which convinces him to go investigate it. As payment, they receive an off-shore facility that Miller dubs “Motherbase.” Anyway, there’s another nuclear tank. This time it has feet instead of drill wheel things, it’s fail-deadly, meaning it will launch if it’s armed and gets destroyed, and it’s known as “Peace Walker.” A guy named Hot Coldman wants to use it to demonstrate the ultimate deterrence. To defeat Peace Walker, Snake finds and “recruits” wheelchair bound walking technology enthusiast Huey Emmerich and Dr. Strangelove, an AI specialist who was in love with The Boss and is basically there to be a lesbian for much of the story. She starts off hating Snake because he killed The Boss and took her title, making Strangelove so obsessed with her possibly former lover that she makes the AI that drives Peace Walker a copy of The Boss’s personality. Yes it’s very much hard science. The idea is, as Peace Walker is run by an AI, it doesn’t need someone else to confirm the launch of the nukes it has on board.

Mena reveals himself as Zadornov of the KGB and attempts to steal Peace Walker. Hot Coldman activates a data uplink to NORAD to convince American officials that the Soviets had launched against them and that they had to retaliate, thus giving the AI an opportunity to respond without outside input. Instead of preparing to launch the nukes, Peace Walker, under the control of The Boss’s personality, walks into a lake, drowning itself and rendering its launch and the data uplink broken and dead, preventing all out nuclear retaliation. Snake takes this to mean that The Boss always meant to abandon her principles as a solider for soldiers and abandon him as well. He’s upset enough that he decides he will take the matter into his own hands and provide that place for soldiers himself, even if the Boss doesn’t want it. He won’t abandon the battlefield or those who serve on it like his mentor did postmortem.

While this was happening, Huey was doing his bit and had actually made a bipedal tank. Better than Peace Walker’s quadrupedal design. It’s called Metal Gear ZEKE and they armed it with the nuke retrieved from Peace Walker, but it gets taken by Paz, who is also not who she seems like Mena, but instead of the KGB, she’s a spy for Cipher, aka Major Zero. She gets tossed into the sea. With this final insult from a former friend, Snake decides to take up the Big Boss title and take action as the legendary soldier by declaring Motherbase an “Outer Heaven.”

You would think that tie in with MG1 would be the end of it. You’d be wrong.

Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain (2015) 1975. Big Boss and Militaires Sans Frontières catches wind that Paz is still alive. In order to not screw up an UN nuclear inspection, they sink Metal Gear ZEKE again and the nuke, and they need to recover Paz who knows about their nuclear capabilities. As Snake is offbase retrieving Paz, MSF is attacked by this elite force, XOF, that no one saw coming. Motherbase starts to sink. Big Boss picks up Kazuhira Miller via helicopter as they make a retreat into the unknown. They realize Paz has a bomb in her. The on-board Medic cut her open to pull a friggin bomb from her guts. When Paz, in pain but made full conscious, realizes they pulled the bomb out of her guts, she indicates that there’s a second bomb. But before they can properly deal with it, she launches herself out of the helicopter in an attempt to save everyone else. She explodes mid-air and the helicopter crashes.

1984. Big Boss wakes up from a nine year coma. He finds out his memory’s been fucked with because there’s metal shrapnel in his head and face that may or may not cause hallucinations as well. He’s also lost his arm. Things kinda suck for Big Boss right now. He’s completely emaciated and weak as hell. Vulnerable. Even so, the word gets out that “V has come to.” A few weeks after returning to consciousness, the hospital that Big Boss is in gets attacked by XOF again. He’s saved by a man with bandages wrapped around his face who might be a hallucination and calls himself “Ishmael.” There’s an escape sequence that involves avoiding XOF soldiers, staring at Ishmael’s ass crack, and more almost hallucinations: A Man on Fire, and a tiny floating boy with immense psychic powers. Big Boss gets out with Ishmael, but the ambulance they’re in crashes. When Big Boss comes to again, Ishmael is gone. Outside, there is a man in cowboy gear on a horse. Ocelot. Revolver Ocelot. They run away together and get on a boat to a new Motherbase in the Seychelles. This is perfect because it means they’re in range of Afghanistan, where Kazuhira Miller’s been captured.

Big Boss, now calling himself Punished “Venom” Snake, goes in, rescues his XO, and gets attacked by these zombie-esque dudes called the Skulls Parasite Unit. They’re parasite-based super soldiers (not genetically enhanced or nanomachine enhanced) with whom Venom has to wrangle with several times in the game. They’re terrifying. Having rescued Miller, minus an arm and leg, the group of them swear revenge against the people who destroyed Motherbase and MSF, calling their new group Diamond Dogs. But to do that, they need men and they need cash. So Venom starts working to generate capital for Motherbase and kidnap recruits by fulton balloon. Primarily this involves sticking his nose into the Soviet-Afghan War and the Angolan Civil War. At basically every step, Ocelot says one thing and Miller does his best to contradict what Ocelot says as a bad idea. This includes fultoning home a wolf-dog puppy. Ocelot says yes and Miller says no (The doggy stays and is called D-Dog and he is a GOOD BOY). Along the way, the Man on Fire returns to fuck shit up and that boy with the psychic powers, Tretij Rebenok, pops in to make things spooky. The main antagonist is revealed to be a man by the moniker Skullface, who is the head of XOF, a branch of Cipher that Major Zero originally commissioned to clean up after FOX, and “took care of” the minor details behind the Virtuous Mission and Operation Snake Eater. Skullface, tired of being used by countless masters, having lost his face, his home, his mother tongue, his very identity, wrested control of Cipher from Zero and is now using the research Cipher has been doing for his own malicious ends. Namely, parasites that can do basically magic. The superpowered Skulls are only the tip of the iceberg. Venom also captures this parasite-powered super-sniper, Quiet. He decides not to kill Quiet after defeating her, and Quiet returns the favor by saving Venom from a pursuant fighter jet sent by Cipher. Miller wants nothing to do with Quiet, as she’s obviously an assassin sent by Cipher bent on killing Venom and destroying the Diamond Dogs. Things aren’t as bad as Miller makes them out to be, and Ocelot sees Quiet as an asset, since she has had so many opportunities to kill Venom but has not acted on a single one after being defeated and captured.

They get wind of Huey Emmerich’s whereabouts. They go to capture him too and Kazuhira Miller kinda licks his chops over getting revenge on Huey as well as Huey was the one that called the nuclear inspection on MSF “to resolve them of all guilt.” Huey’s been busy working under Skullface, making a new Metal Gear known as Sahelanthropus. Despite being barely finished, it can move on its own accord thanks to the help of the psychic boy, Tretij. Venom Snake captures Huey and gets the hell out of Dodge. At about this time, the Diamond Dogs expand their operations into Africa as well, as it’s known that XOF and Cipher have been working with the various paramilitary factions there. So Venom goes in to snoop again. He picks up Eli, who is this jerk-ass kid who leads a bunch of child soldiers who don’t have adult handlers. Eli is clearly a twelve year old Liquid Snake, and he HATES his “father” Big Boss. Anyway, all of the adults in the child soldiers’ villages have died. Upon further investigation of the reasons why, the second third of the parasite research comes to light: “vocal cord parasites” that kill everyone that speaks the language they’re attuned to. There’s a bunch of neat theory crafting that says that these parasites should be living in symbiosis with us, but they’ve been changed/nuked to be harmful instead. As a vocal chord parasite rampages through the Diamond Dogs, Venom enlists the help of Code Talker, a Navajo parasitologist who was captured and forced to work for Cipher. This brings into light the last third of the parasite research: Metallic Archaea that can convert regular uranium into weapons grade uranium. Skullface wants to spread nuclear weapons to every single faction possible and make it simple for these factions to acquire more nuclear weapons as a part of deterrence. The trick is that he can also deactivate the Metallic Archaea so that only the nuclear weapons that he wants to work will work. He also wants to spread the English strand of the vocal cord parasites to wipe out what he sees as the most virulent language of the modern world. This way, he will be able to take revenge against everyone who has in some way betrayed or slighted him. Venom stops this shit. Tretij betrays Skullface because Eli is a lot more interesting to him. This causes Sahelanthropus to run amok, nearly killing Skullface. After Sahelanthropus gets fucked up, Miller and Venom shoot Skullface, holding the gun together as the recoil is too much for Miller alone to handle. Their revenge is now complete. Or is it?

The rest of the game is spent wrapping up plot points. Huey was discovered to be selling secrets to Cipher, and then causes an outbreak of the language parasite by surreptitiously increasing X-ray exposure on his coworkers, trying to make the parasite mutate. Eli and Tretij steal Sahelanthropus, which was being refurbished by Huey, flying it off Motherbase through the power of powerful psychic energy. Tretij is thus free to become Psycho Mantis and Eli Liquid Snake. Miller decides that’s enough shit that Huey’s been allowed to get up to, and they find Dr. Strangelove’s remains in one of Huey’s projects. Turns out Dr. Strangelove had a child with Huey and that child was used in experiments, which Dr. Strangelove protested, which lead to her getting killed. That child is of course Hal “Otacon” Emmerich. Upon learning about Dr. Strangelove’s fate, Venom and the Diamond Dogs discharge Huey from service and exile him. That fucker. The Man on Fire is revealed to have been Volgin, whose electricity superpowers (possibly powered by parasites) had kept him in a coma. He was also seeking revenge through the aid of Tretij. But after Tretij left, the remaining psychic emanations of Volgin finally die off. Quiet is revealed to have been one of the assassins sent to kill Venom in the Hospital, but she’s done so much for Venom at this point, that’s practically a wash. She was originally going to get revenge on all of them by killing Venom and then releasing the English strand of the vocal cord parasite on Motherbase. She no longer wants to do that, but upon finding out that the parasite can be mutated and activated even if she doesn’t speak a single word of English, she escapes Motherbase and goes AWOL, trying to make sure she doesn’t accidentally kill everyone she’s come to know and love.

The final twist in the game is that Venom Snake isn’t Big Boss. He’s the Medic who was caught in the explosion on the helicopter. Major Zero through Cipher decided that, through the use of hypnosis and reconditioning (because this is what Ocelot is good at), they would make a decoy double for Big Boss, just in case Big Boss needs to die. Instead of being furious with this idea, Big Boss goes with it, and uses Venom to the utmost of his ability, even posing as “Ishmael” to make sure his decoy survives. Ocelot auto-hypnotizes himself to forget he had run this entire hypnosis process on Venom so that he could work under Venom without giving up the ghost, or the phantom, so to speak. When Miller finally finds out after the credits, he’s furious. He completely disavows Big Boss and decides to support “his Phantom and his sons.” Thus setting up the events of Metal Gear. At the same time, Venom learns about this... and accepts this. Kinda. It’s ambiguous if he’s that loyal to Big Boss or if he’s given up being separate from the legend. In this sense, this might be one of the only “clone/remaking of Big Boss” that is truly successful. Partially because it had to be successful. Partially because Big Boss was involved directly.

The Phantom thus dies at Solid Snake’s hands in Metal Gear, patching up a plot hole in the continuity.

Now the part that people actually care about.

Metal Gear Solid is the game that everyone in the fandom basically started out on because Metal Gear was before a lot of people’s times, and Metal Gear 2 wasn’t properly distributed in the US until about Metal Gear Solid 3′s re-release.

There are some hints of Big Boss/Solid Snake, Gray Fox/Solid Snake, and Miller/Solid Snake but these are primarily after the fact when their characters are better established. Nothing that was concurrent with the games (at least nothing I’m aware of).

Expect a lot of hatesex.

Metal Gear Solid:

Snake/Meryl and Snake/Otacon are basically the two most obvious ones and both of these ships revolve around the characters that you primarily interact with and “save” in some way in the game. The two endings either have Snake and Meryl riding off into the sunset on a snowmobile (if Meryl is saved) or Snake and Otacon riding off into the sunset on a snowmobile (if Meryl dies).

Solid Snake/Liquid Snake is somewhat present as it’s the typical protagonist/antagonist ship with a bit of incestuous spice.

Snake/Ocelot kinda exists in the way that Ocelot clearly enjoys torturing Snake and Ocelot is that kind of super flashy/flamboyant character.

Snake/Gray Fox is barely present, the fight that happens includes bits where Gray Fox basically wants Snake to hurt him more. And that gets somewhat expanded on. In extra games that I haven’t listed because they are of dubious canon, it’s revealed that Gray Fox served as a child solider under Big Boss so there’s also that connection.

Snake/Sniper Wolf exists only because there’s a whole “She needs to fall in love with you to kill you” weirdness around her femme fatale character.

Metal Gear Solid 2:

Snake/Otacon is going strong as the entire first section is basically about Otacon commenting on the outrageous things Snake gets up to.

Snake/Ocelot gets expanded upon slightly because of the ridiculousness of Ocelot’s appearance and exit.

Raiden has a girlfriend called Rosemary who is revealed to be an AI, but there’s another actual Rosemary that Raiden has become semi-estranged to but that Rosemary is also involved with the Patriots... It’s complicated.

Snake/Raiden and Iroquois/Raiden is pretty big, as this is gruff older dude with somewhat effeminate younger dude (with amazing hair). Snake also tells Raiden to “choose his own fate” so that’s also a charm point.

Solidus Snake/Raiden is a thing that probably has a lot to do with daddy kink, as Raiden was a child soldier under Solidus Snake, and hateshipping the protagonist and antagonist.

Raiden/Vamp (a mid-boss) kinda exists? It’s mostly because Raiden gets flirted with in a dangerous way and finds out that Vamp is a bisexual.

Snake/Iroquois is largely a part of a running joke in which everyone wants to know what happens to Iroquois Pliskin who clearly not Snake.

Metal Gear Solid 3:

Naked Snake/The Boss is a big one, it’s implied Snake has feelings for his mentor, which makes his final battle with her even more tragic.

Naked Snake/Ocelot is compounded by the way Solid Snake/Ocelot was a thing, but this has been expanded into a full on “Ocelot has a giant crush on this dangerous hunk of a man who trained under Ocelot’s mom.”

Naked Snake/EVA is another ship that happens largely because they have sex and a lot of suggestive comments/flirting before then.

Naked Snake/Volgin is kinda the typical protagonist/antagonist ship with the extra kick of Volgin having tortured Snake. Volgin also is strongly implied to be at least gay if not bi and extremely sadistic. He apparently has a relationship with an officer named Ivan Raidenovitch Raikov (who looks ODDLY LIKE RAIDEN), and part of what EVA was originally tasked to do was get close to Volgin to steal the Philosopher’s Legacy, etc. Volgin/Raikov and Volgin/EVA are not unheard of for that reason.

The Boss/EVA isn’t unheard of, if only because that’s basically the only given/possible woman/woman ship that’s present. The only other female presence is the voice of the Paramedic.

Metal Gear Solid 4:

Snake/Otacon is still going strong and it’s tragic! Snake’s in his twilight years! They have a daughter! Otacon looks like a rugged handsome nerd and not just a nerd! There are a lot of melancholy domestic fics here.

Snake/Ocelot has taken a REALLY WEIRD TURN now that it’s been revealed that Ocelot had a thing for Big Boss. Especially since Ocelot is pretending to be Liquid Snake at the same time. A lot of fuck ups all around. Ocelot also can kiss Snake in their ultimate battle on top Outer Heaven.

Raiden/Vamp returns because they had a rematch in this game. Except Raiden is a cyborg now.

There’s a bit where Snake/Raiden exists in a “Raiden is taking care of the geriatric Snake” sorta deal.

Johnny/Meryl is now a thing. Johnny being a gag soldier that constantly gets diarrhea as toilet humor. He still gets diarrhea in this game. They also get married. Yes, they marry Meryl off to the shittiest character.

Is there a thing for Snake/Big Boss? I really don’t know?? They have one scene where they’re Old together and they kinda have a making up after awkward years of wtf.

Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker:

Now, there are “dates” that you can go on as extra fanservice missions. Really there are only two that are really notable: Big Boss/Kaz and Big Boss/Paz.

Big Boss/Kaz is amazing because it goes from Big Boss dominating Kaz to it being a mutually reciprocated relationship but Kaz still kinda feels like he’s under Big Boss’s thumb. There’s also an aspect of Kaz wanting to live up to Big Boss’s expectations.

Big Boss/Paz is kinda squick because she’s allegedly only 18 (really 25 but that’s not revealed until she reveals her true nature as a spy). It’s mostly the schoolgirl crush on the handsome older man sorta deals.

Strangelove/The Boss makes a bit of an appearance because Strangelove retroactively becomes a big part of The Boss’s backstory, even if it’s not explicitly stated that The Boss reciprocated those feelings.

Strangelove/Huey is also a thing if only because Huey obviously has a thing for Strangelove.

There are a few other minor characters due to the game being much more of an ensemble game.

Metal Gear Solid V

Shit gets complicated/interesting here.

Venom/Miller/Ocelot As “Big Boss” has an established relationship with both of them, so there’s an O3P revolving on Venom Snake. Venom/Miller and Ocelot/Venom are both popular as well with kinda opposite dynamics.

Big Boss/Ocelot and Big Boss/Miller are also major as these are both the “true versions” of the “fake” ship that is Venom/et al. That said, aftergame Big Boss/Miller becomes a straight up hateship.

Big Boss/Venom is also kinda a thing because of the way that Big Boss is controlling/behind Venom’s actions and motivations. A lot of it basically becomes emotional abuse based on like super gaslighting.

Somehow I’m pretty sure Big Boss/Ocelot/Miller is rarer than Big Boss/Venom/Ocelot/Miller. Possibly because by the Big Boss reveal, there’s no way Miller sits and takes it unless Venom is there too.

Ocelot/Miller is also somewhat of a hateship because they’re constantly at odds with each other and have the same love interest(s). With how smarmy/smug Ocelot can be and how pissed off Miller is, there’s some good content here based on Miller’s frustration/exasperation.

Venom/Quiet is kinda pushed in the game (they have a vaguely romantic scene together) and they work great together (Venom works well with all of his partners. D-Dog included) and there’s a bit of tragic hateship-ish involved.

Miller/Quiet is also a thing simply because Miller hates Quiet and Quiet is a superpowered cryptid and Miller has half of his limbs but Miller is the XO and Quiet is technically like a PoW, so there’s really weird power dynamics going on.

Liquid Snake/Psycho Mantis becomes a thing retroactively because Eli/Tretij is kind of a thing but it’s uncomfortable shipping two clearly underaged boys.

No one likes Huey, but there might be something where Huey gets his ass kicked by Skullface. And everyone else. Huey’s not a good person.

Venom/Skullface and Big Boss/Skullface is theoretically something that should exist, but is probably more rare than it should be because there are so many better ships out there already. Skullface also looks pretty nasty and not handsomely rugged.

AND THAT IS THAT FOR A PRIMER ON METAL GEAR SOLID I’M SO SORRY IT’S SO LONG BUT THERE’S SO MUCH.

[tamarinfrog]

Unwanted House Guest Part 26 - Clementine Commentary

47 minutes later…

*BONK*

*BONK*

*BONK*

Arnick was banging his head against a pillar in the theater arcade and cursing his misfortune. Tetrox had only used up 3 tokens and was doing phenomenally well.  At the rate she was going, they were going to miss the movie and she would still have plenty of tokens left to keep going.  Arnick wouldn’t have been nearly as upset if he hadn’t just spent quite a bit of cash on the movie tickets.

“Hey cheer up, man!” Cosmo said to Arnick with a smile, “You can always catch the movie some other time.”

Arnick glared at him with an exhausted anger, “Oh will you just…” Arnick took a breath, “Shut!  Up!”

“I dunno why you’re getting so bent out of shape, man!  It’s just a movie.  Just like how what Sorrel’s playing over there is just a game!”

Arnick narrowed his eyes to glare even harder, “You mean the pipsqueak over there who’s more or less lost his marbles?”

Arnick pointed to Sorrel who was muttering something under his breath as he and Tetrox fought a boss that was gradually eating the stone tower they were climbing from the bottom up. If it weren’t for the sounds of the arcade machines in the vicinity, they would have been able to hear Sorrel say:

“Hey Kids!  Looking for a fun time this summer?!  Head to Walleye World!  Our new roller coaster, the  Cryptocoryne Spiralis is looking for a new name!  It’s named after a freshwater plant!  Did you know that?  We were going to rename the coaster to its more common name: the Water Trumpet, but our marketing team said it made it sounds like CODDAMMIT!!!!”

Everyone inside and outside the arcade was able to hear that last part.

“He has been muttering like that for the last 20 minutes!  The game has either sent him over the deep end or tuned his brain into theme park radio adverts!”

“Nah, that’s just Sorrel verbal vomiting,” Cosmo replied.

Arnick gave him a weirded-out look, “verbal what?!”

“Oh yeah, we were playing this REALLY difficult game called ‘Battle Squid’ and Sorrel…” Cosmo had to stop himself from laughing thinking about it, “Oh man… you should have seen it! He just starts improvising all kinds of carp and just spews it out because he thinks it helps him play better. Like it clears his mind or something.”

Arnick looked at Sorrel who was still muttering, and now almost practically singing,

“Theeeeee Great Turf War happened 100 Years Ago and we all give thanks!

We beat those Octarians and their tanks!

And the Squidbeak Splatoon; they were so swell!

With Captain Cuttlefish and Ammoses Dorfenshell!”

“His name was Shell-En-Dorf!” Arnick loudly corrected.

Sorrel turned his head with eyes covered with blood veins and rage, “I DON’T GIVE A-“

“AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” Sorrel’s character screamed as they succumbed to a horrible death.

“NO!  NOOOOOOOO!  COD! DUCKING!  DAMMIT!” Sorrel screamed, “I’M OUT!  I! AM! DONE!  SCREW THIS GAME!  IT CAN SUCK MY COD DAMN DAD’S 11TH TENTACLE!”  Sorrel gave the side of the machine a small kick and stomped back over to where Cosmo and Arnick were.

“Run out of tokens?” Cosmo asked.

“BITE ME!” Sorrel snapped back.

“Alright!  Guess that means I’m up!” Cosmo smirked as he strode up to the cabinet to take Sorrel’s place.  Tetrox didn’t pay him much heed as he joined in on the game.  Before inserting a coin, Cosmo called back to them, “Don’t you two go killing each other now!”

Sorrel grumbled as he leaned back against the support pillar next to Arnick.  Getting a closer look at Sorrel, Arnick could see that he was considerably shorter than he thought.  It was like his head seemed to barely come up to Arnick’s shoulders.  Sorrel turned and looked up at Arnick, caught him looking at him and scowled, “The shell are you looking at?”

Arnick waited a moment before answering, “I’m looking at either a hot-headed little brat, or another pint-size bobtail squid that acts too big for their britches.”

Sorrel glared at Arnick, “What’d you call me?!”

Arnick looked back at him with contempt and didn’t respond.

“Hey!  I’m talking to you!” Sorrel shot back.

Arnick didn’t even turn his head to look at him, but just peered at him out of the corner of his eyes and said, “Did I hear something?  Did I hear a tiny voice coming from that tiny person down there?  No?  It must have been my imagination!”

A vein began to pop on Sorrel’s forehead as he growled at Arnick, “Oh sure!  Like how tall I am is something I am in complete control of!  The duck is your problem, asshole?!”

Arnick turned to look at Sorrel with an equally frustrated face, “If you must know, thanks to your piss poor game play over there, Tetrox was able to play for almost an hour what with you being her personal meat shield.”  Arnick folded his arms and turned back to look at Tetrox and Cosmo who were absorbed in the game, “Now we’re going to miss the movie and this will all be a big waste of time and money.”

Sorrel took offense to that, “MY piss poor game play?!  Were you even watching!?  She kept getting all the weapon and health power ups, leaving me with SQUAT!”

“Then you should have been faster and got to them first,” Arnick retorted.

“HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?!” Sorrel snapped, “YOU try sniping the power ups when you’ve got the Genital Crabs with Circumcision Pincers’ Extended Family Reunion riding your ass!”  Arnick gave him a dismissive snort and Sorrel was not having any of that noise.

From a distance, Whinter watched Tetrox, Arnick, and the others with caution.  He got a chime from his iSquid and fished it out of his pocket. A smile appeared on his face when he saw that Clementine had finally responded to him.

“So let me get this straight,” she texted, “You’re saying the Octoling in that picture there is the same one that I shot back at the Kelp Dome?”

Whinter had taken a snapshot of Tetrox playing the Metal Sea Slug arcade cabinet and sent it to Clem. Still keeping an eye around the corner, he texted back, “Yeah.  No doubt about it.”

“But then why’s she in Inkopolis playing video games?” Clementine wrote back, “It doesn’t really make any sense, does it?  I mean we’re talking about a soldier trained to kill in cold-blood without any remorse!”

Clementine had a point, but Whinter was certain he was right, “I know it doesn’t add up, but I dunno… maybe they’re like on some kind of spy mission or something?”

“If they were, then they must be doing a bang-up job of blending in.  They almost look right at home playing,” Clementine commented.

Whinter could hear two male voices raising as they began to argue with one another.  Seeing Arnick and another kid with green tentacles, Whinter took a snap shot and sent it to Clementine.  “And then there’s this guy,” Whinter wrote back.  He had begun to type, “He said his name was Arnick Stilton,” but before he could send the message, Clementine had responded back.

“Is that Arnick Stilton!?” she asked.

Whinter was surprised, “You KNOW that asshole?!”

“Unfortunately,” Clementine responded, “I’ve played against him in turf wars before.  He’s a very unconventional sniper who normally wields the Bamboozler and is a complete pain in the ass.”

“Pain in the ass AND asshole,” Whinter texted, “I can see that. Dude looks like some kind of stuck up jerkwad.”  A frightening thought then occurred to Whinter who then wrote back, “You didn’t used to date him, did you?!”

Clementine’s message came through immediately, “NO!  COD NO!  Never in a million years!”

Whinter breathed a smile sigh of relief, “That’s good to know.”

Clementine was somewhat offended, “Give me some credit here, Whinter!  You know full well I have better taste in men than that!  I’m dating you after all!  ;)”

A small blush creeped on Whinter’s face as he realized how dumb he must have sounded, “True that!” He then decided to get to the point, “Thing is, that asshole there is looking after that Octoling girl!”

“SAY WHAT?!” Clementine texted in disbelief, “You gotta be squidding me!”

“Nope,” Whinter replied, “Dude told me himself back at Café Cardamari.  From what I can tell, it’s part of some… cultural exchange program, I think.”

“Either you’re pulling my tentacles, or Cod almighty has a really messed up sense of humor,” Clementine wrote, “Arnick hates Octarians!”

Whinter was curious, “Oh yeah?”

“Every, and I mean, EVERY time I’ve ran into him in turf wars, he kept excusing his ruthless behavior by saying that he had to be ready to fight the Octarians,” Clementine explained, “It was always, ‘Expect the Octarians to show No Quarter’ or ‘If this was a real battle, then it’s either splat or be splatted’.  It was like he was preparing to wage a one-man war against them.”

“Isn’t that what we did?” Whinter asked.

Clementine thought about that for a minute or two before replying, “Not really.  We were on a rescue mission.  You know, ‘Get In and Get Out’.”

That made some sense to Whinter, but something still seemed off, “So wait… if this guy is so gung-ho about fighting the Octarians, why didn’t Cap’n Cuttlefish ask him to rescue the Great Zap Fish instead of us?”

A couple minutes passed as Clementine thought about that.  “I think it’s because he is so gung-ho that Cap’n Cuttlefish might have passed him over,” she replied, “I mean, if he went in there, he’d have gone out of his way to take down each and every single Octarian he came across.  It wouldn’t matter to him whether they were with DJ Octavio or not. He’s the kind of guy who would have kept fighting even after rescuing the Great Zap Fish, and that would have made matters much worse.”

Whinter peeked around the corner again and saw Arnick and the kid with green tentacles still bickering with each other.  He wasn’t sure what exactly they were talking about, but it seemed like Arnick was talking down to him.  Whinter texted, “Yeah, I can see that.”

“The only way I can ever picture Arnick Stilton being put in charge of looking after an Octoling was if Cap’n Cuttlefish himself asked him to do it,” wrote Clementine.

Whinter lightly scratched his cheek before typing back, “Funny you should mention that… He actually did tell me that he’s on orders from the Cap’n.”

There was an awkward break in the conversation before Clementine finally replied, “You ever wonder if the Cap’n is losing it?  Sending you and me on a top secret operation?  Having a person who would kill Octolings on sight look after one?”

Whinter shrugged, “Well… we DID save the Great Zap Fish. Maybe the Cap’n knows what he’s doing?”

“I dunno,” Clementine texted back skeptically, “But if that Octoling is the same one that almost killed you, and really is on some kind of spy mission… maybe putting Arnick in charge of looking after them is a good idea after all?”  Clementine continued, “I hate to admit it, but despite being a huge asshole, he’s also really, REALLY good at Turf Wars.”

Whinter was curious, “How good are we talking about?”

Clementine wrote back, “Good enough to go one-on-one with Angelo.”

That caught Whinter’s attention, “No way!”

“Seen it with my own two eyes, I have,” Clementine confirmed.  “One time, a little over a year ago, we were doing some casual practice at Walleye Warehouse.  Angelo and I were on one side and Arnick appeared on the other.  About 30 seconds in, everyone was just standing around watching as Arnick and Angelo dueled.”

“Dueled?!” Whinter texted back in surprise.

“Yeah, dueled!  Like there wasn’t anyone else there!” Clementine responded, “Those two would circle the stack of boxes in the middle of the warehouse trying to catch the other in their crosshairs.  I don’t know how, but Arnick seemed to be able to figure out where Angelo was no matter what!”

“But Angelo has Ninja Squid!” Whinter cut in, “Nobody can track him once he disappears in the ink.”

“Tell that to Arnick. I actually saw him swing around, like a full 180 degrees, yeah, and shoot Angelo dead on while he was in the ink on the SIDE of the boxes at Walleye Warehouse!” Clementine admitted, “Saw it all right through the sights on my charger.”

“Damn!” was all Whinter could come back with, “But you were able to pick him off after that, right?”

Clementine remembered that battle quite well.  “No, actually.  He knew exactly where I was and put up a Splash Wall which blocked my shot.  I could see everything as it happened, but couldn’t help because every time I had a good shot, he somehow knew exactly when and where to put up the Splash Wall to get in my way,” she explained.

“Wow!” Whinter wrote back, “But what about his special weapon?  What’d he have?”

“The Killer Wail,” Clementine replied, “but he didn’t use it against Angelo, and from what I know, he never has.  When I was there, the only time he used it was when one of our team mates tried to support Angelo.  He screamed ‘You stay out of this’, hit them with the Wail, and then went back to dueling Angelo with just the Bamboozler.  After that, everyone was too frightened to go anywhere near them.”

“Holy Mackerel!” Whinted texted in awe.

“Yeah.  Angelo’s Echo Locater was completely useless against Arnick,” Clementine continued.

“HOW?!  Nobody can hide when he uses that!” Whinter replied immediately.

Clementine answered, “I asked Angelo the same thing and he explained that Arnick would always stand front and center in the middle of the area whenever Echo Locator was activated as if to say it didn’t matter whether Angelo knew where he was or not.  He was calling him out, essentially.  Angelo told me that one time, he snuck up behind Arnick and was in prime position to take him out.  He tossed a disruptor at him, but Arnick had already begun to turn around before Angelo even threw it.  By the time the disruptor hit and slowed him down, Arnick was able to still turn around and take aim at Angelo.”

Whinter was now fully invested in Clementine’s story, “And then what happened?”

“They took each other out. Simultaneous Splat,” Clementine wrote, “I didn’t see that one when it happened, but Angelo definitely seemed bothered by it.”

“Angelo?  Bothered by something?!” Whinter answered in disbelief.

“Yeah.  I know,” Clementine texted, “Anyone able to get under Angelo’s skin like that is definitely qualified to look after… or ‘take care of’… an Octoling spy.”

Curious, Whinter peeked back around the corner to take another look in the arcade and made a point of listening closely.

“You have no one to blame but yourself, 

short stuff

, so either quit whining about your own inadequacies, or ‘

Get Good

’ as they say,” Arnick snapped.

“The shell do you think I’m TRYING to do you Lump-Sucker! How the Duck am I supposed to get better if bottom-feeding loaches like her won’t keep their grubby tentacles off the power-ups for 5 Cod-Damn seconds!?” Sorrel shot back.

Arnick huffed, “If she keeps stealing all the power-ups, then you just need to get to them before she does!”

“DUCK THAT!  WE’RE ON THE SAME COD-DAMN SIDE!” shouted Sorrel.

“Well guess what, half-pint? Life isn’t fair!  There’s no good reason for you to expect that someone is going to lower themselves to your level,” Arnick held back from snickering at his own pun.

“Sure!  Fine!  If they were my enemy, then yeah! Okay!  I can see that!  But guess what?!  THEY’RE NOT! Maybe algae-eating mud-suckers like yourself can just say, ‘Oh!  I do think I’ll ‘Get Good’ at being a total Tuna Head today!  Jolly good show!’ like it’s nobody’s Cod-Damn business,” Sorrel mocked, “But not everyone’s born with a silver dollar in their mouth!  You ever think of that,��chubsucker?!”

As if putting up with snide lip service from Tetrox was bad enough, listening to the mouth on this kid was really beginning to grate on Arnick’s nerves.  Especially after that last come back.  “Big words coming from such a little squirt!  I’ll have you know that I had to fight beak and spine for everything I have!”

“GOOD FOR YOU!” Sorrel loudly proclaimed sarcastically, “What do you want, a Cod-Damn Trophy or something!?”

“Some respect for your superiors and elders would be a start!” Arnick said under his breath, but loud enough for Sorrel to hear.

“YOU’RE the one that started getting on MY case first, remember, scat for brains!?”

“Maybe, but what else should a shrimp with an attitude expect?!” Arnick retorted.

“If you didn’t give me that ugly look when I came over here, maybe I wouldn’t have said anything you Stuck-Up Snook!  It was Cod-Damn obvious I was mad as shell when I walked over here, and would it seriously have killed someone to show a little sympathy!?”

“OH. MY. COD!” Cosmo shouted from over at the Arcade Machine, “Shut up, Sorrel!  I’m playing here!”

“Duck You!  We’re talking here!” Sorrel shouted back.

“Cod!” Cosmo groaned, “It sounds like I’m listening to a dolphin on a sugar-rush talking with a washed-up walrus from over here!  Can’t you wait a few minutes for me to get over there so I can record you guys on my iSquid?!  Comedy gold like that would make for perfect samples on my next mix!”

“If you think that’s funny, I got some stories about Nicky worth a couple of laughs, sugar!” Tetrox chimed in.

“TETROX, DON’T YOU DARE!” Arnick hollered.

The two ignored him with Cosmo responding with, “Sounds nice, but we have a game to beat here!  I gotta say, I’m impressed.  You really know how to hold your own!”

Appreciating the compliment, Tetrox said, “That’s mighty kind of you to say, honey.”

“You’re welcome,” Cosmo said before adding, “Still not as good as me, but good none the less!”

“Is that a challenge there, sugar!?” Tetrox asked coyly.

“Mmmmmmmaaaaaaybe!?” Cosmo said smugly.

“Oh honey… after this, we gotta find ourselves one of them versus games an’ have ourselves a lil’ competition!” Tetrox chided.

“Sounds good to me!” said Cosmo, “But I think your boyfriend over there would blow a gasket or something.”

“Yeah?  And what else is new?” Tetrox smirked, “Boy gets so uptight sometimes, I’m amazed he don’t sound like a chipmunk in a hot air balloon.” It wasn’t until later after leaving the arcade that it would register with Tetrox that Cosmo referred to Arnick as her boyfriend.

Cosmo laughed, “OH MY COD! That’s PERFECT!  I need to get a sample of him screaming or something and then speed it up for one of my remixes!”

“DO AND I’LL GUT YOU LIKE A TROUT!” Arnick yelled.

Whinter blinked a few times at the scene that played out in front of him.  He turned to look back at his iSquid and texted to Clementine, “Are you 

SURE 

this is the same guy?!  I’m not really getting a…” he thought for a moment before finishing his text, “…ruthless, cut-throat vibe here.”

Clementine texted back, “Yeah, I know he can be a real fop most of the time.  Believe me, when I first saw the guy, I thought he was just some military fanboy.  Wasn’t until I saw him push Angelo’s buttons that I realized he wasn’t just all talk, yeah? He’s a complete doofus, but…” Clementine paused while thinking of the right words to text next, “…he’s a dangerous doofus if given the chance.”

Whinter turned back around, looking at Arnick shouting at the two game players, and texted, “Doofus is right!”  Ridiculous as it looked, Whinter knew the Octoling named Tetrox there was no joke. “Either way, I’m going to continue my stakeout and make sure she doesn’t cause any trouble.  When you get a chance, meet me in Inkopolis Plaza.  I could use a pair of beautiful eyes like yours to help keep an eye on them.”

“If you really want to sweet talk me down to Inkopolis Plaza, I won’t argue, but these eyes can also snipe your shapely behind from 40 yards away without the need of a scope, and don’t you forget it!”

Whinter laughed nervously to himself, “I don’t think I ever could,” he responded while remembering how it took him almost three days before he could sit down properly again after what he and Clementine have since come to refer to as the “Lucky Shot”.

“Just be careful out there, okay?  Don’t you go getting yourself into any messes you can’t get yourself out of until I’m there!” Clementine texted with genuine concern.

“Don’t worry.  They’ll never notice me!”

“Good!  I’ll see you soon, then! <3”

To Be Continued…

Written by

Some Squid Named Steve [Patreon]

Art by

Oranguin

WORD FROM THE UHG CREW (I think that’s what we call ourselves?):

Some sad news to report:

Our good friend @patar-fuifui unfortunately had to retire from contributing to Unwanted House Guest since their home and work schedule was no longer giving them enough free time to participate.  They made some really fantastic pieces and incredible animation for this little fan-fiction here, and we’re extremely thankful for all the time and energy they’ve given.  Everyone should make sure to give them a big thank you for being so awesome!

In the meantime, when it came to Unwanted House Guest, we all agreed that there really didn’t need to be more than 2 artists contributing to it at one time.  More than that would have been a case of “Too Many Cooks Spoiling The Broth”.  However, with it just being Oran and I at this point, we were wondering if anyone else might be interested in volunteering as an additional art contributor?

If you’re interested, feel free to message us at either @somesquidnamedstevereblogs or @oranguin.

And also, whether anyone else wants to volunteer or not, you can bet that Unwanted House Guest will continue on (hopefully more often now that the holidays are over).  My personal goal, if possible, is to complete the story before Splatoon 2 launches.  

That gives until the end of summer to finish writing everything, so I’ve got my work cut out for me!

Thanks for your interest, and thanks for being an avid reader! :)

~ Some Squid Named Steve

Previous Parts:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

Part 9

Part 10

Part 11

Part 12

Part 13

Holiday Special

Part 14

Part 15

Part 16

Bonus 1

Part 17

Part 18

Part 19

Part 20

Part 21

Part 22

Bonus 2

Side-Story 1

Part 23

Part 24

Part 25

Tammy’s comments: Oh gosh, I really enjoyed Clem’s and Whinter’s chat here. And oh boy, can’t wait for Cosmo vs Tetrox. Great chapter and say whaaat?! Complete the story before splatoon2?! Oh my we’re so close already?! Oh my oh my indeed

[cognitiveinequality]

Warning: Andromeda bitching below the cut

So, it looks like I won’t be buying ME: Andromeda, and that makes me sad. Bioware has decided that the RPG demographic isn’t big enough to accomodate anymore, and has removed the play elements which tied the series to its roots. With the removal of classes (to the point of even being able to switch loadouts mid-battle!) plus the removal of tight squad power control and apparently fully eliminating pause/play, the developers have transformed the franchise into another run-and-gun game that I am just flat-out uninterested in. No matter how many “romanceable companions” they offer, I’m just not prepared to fork over a ton of money to EA for a game where I have to slog through chaotic and difficult fight sequences just to advance a story, no matter how compelling (Thanks, BioShock Infinite! You taught me a good lesson!).

When they announced they were working on a new ”Mass Effect” game, despite ending ME3 in a way that effectively ruined any possibilty of a sequel, I still held out hope. Maybe it would be a prequel. Or an interregnum. Or tell the story from a perspective that wasn’t Shepard’s... Some incredibly compelling artwork showing what a Saren-led game might look like was floating around at the time, and I thought “Damn, if they could pull that off, I’d be thrilled! Just wait and see.”

Then they announced the game would be set in another galaxy - Andromeda. “Well shit,” I thought, “That’s a pretty huge cop-out of having to deal with the consequences of that terrible ending.” And I knew then that meant that any chance of seeing a familiar face from the previous 3 games was out the window. But I still held out hope. “It’s Mass Effect,” I told myself, “There’s still gonna be space and aliens and exploration and biotics... just wait and see.”

But as I began to hear more and more stories about the gameplay being “inspired by multiplayer” and watching the rollout of videos showing battles which relied on you keeping your player moving at all times, I got more and more disheartened. “But, in fairness,” I thought, “squad management is probably the least ‘sexy’ of all the capabilities in the ME games... it’s no surprise you haven’t seen it featured. Just wait and see.”

Finally, the video I had been waiting for was released this morning - the “Combat Profiles and Squads” video that was supposed to clarify a lot of my gameplay questions, and really showcase the features which hadn’t been highlighted so far. And my first thought was, “This is not my Mass Effect.” 

Because what I saw in this video goes against every single aspect of my play style — a style I cultivated over nearly a decade of playing the previous 3 games of this goddamned franchise. Despite (ostensibly) incorprating “infiltrator” abilities, the game I saw doesn’t appear to have much room for someone who prefers sniping from stealth or sending tech drones after minions; it’s a game for the vanguards, the soldiers, the players who prefer a Claymore, not players who stick to a Widow or a Locust. 

This just doesn’t seem to be a game built to accomodate people who take cover in the rear and use their squad as a front line; it’s not a game for someone whose strength is managing every hit, focusing their squadmates on each target, making the most out of every heat sink. It’s not focused on players whose first upgrade in previous instalments is the sniper rifle Concentration Mod; it’s a game for players who spend their credits on maxxing out their weapon’s Omni-Blade. This is a game for those fans who love the thrill of evading charging Brutes, punching Centurions in the face, blasting Primes with their shotguns or riddling a charging swarm of husks with assault rifle fire. 

And I suspect it’s not a game for me.