#< and that one's tentative because i don't trust tumblr's tagging system

[powdermelonkeg]

I'm really sorry about sending this (no pressure if you don't want to answer!!) but you seem like the only person in all this whos talking about it without yelling. Why are you against jojo even after she gave two apologies?/gen

I've been thinking over this ask for a little while now, so I'm sorry for the delay in answering; I really wanted to word this properly and considerately to all parties involved.

Yes, Jojo did give two apologies regarding the issue. And a large cut of the community is frantically gesturing to these apologies and going "See? She apologized! What more could you possibly want?"

Therein lies the issue.

An apology is not an order. An apology is an acknowledgement, tied to a request—"I messed up. Can you look beyond that so we can continue our relationship?" And as a request, there are a million ways to interpret it.

"Okay, I believe you, let's be friends" is a valid answer to this request. But so is "I don't think you're sincere, so no," or "I don't think this is a big enough deal to warrant an apology," or "even if you've learned from this, I'm hurt, please don't talk to me again."

A request does not demand a straightforward answer. A request depends wholly on the interpretation of the person receiving the request, and whether or not they WANT to fulfill that request.

An apology is not, and should never be, transactional—you should not expect forgiveness if you give one, and you should not be required to forgive if you get one. My mother could write me the most sincere and touching letter that she means from the bottom of her heart, and I'm still allowed to tell her "no."

When I was little, my parents had a rule about my siblings and I when we'd hurt each other—if my little brother hurt me, he had to say sorry, and I had to say I forgave him, and end it with a hug. In the end, it made me question whether someone ACTUALLY meant it whenever they said sorry to me, and made me feel bad for not forgiving them right away—which means that it wasn't ever really forgiveness, just a way to end the moment. I've had to fight hard to unlearn that, and that means acknowledging that sometimes, things hurt, and I'm allowed to FEEL hurt.

The thing about Jojo's apologies, though, is that they are not for me. I'm a singlet—i.e., a person without Dissociative Identity Disorder—and thus, what Jojo did in her recent update does not affect me.

Let me break it down into more simple terms, for clarity.

For me to act like the apology WAS for me is the same as if someone hit you, apologized for it, and then the person NEXT to you said "oh, don't worry, they forgive you!" before you even had a chance to speak.

For me to act like those affected SHOULD accept the apology is the same as if someone hit you, apologized for it, and the person next to you pulled you aside and said "you're going to forgive them, right? It would be absolutely awful of you if you didn't. Look how bad they feel about hitting you."

In both scenarios, it's not that person's place. They weren't hit, and they don't get to decide if you, the person who DID get hit, have to accept anything.

"She apologized, what more do you want?"

You have to accept that, for some people, the answer is "Nothing."

⠀

As for where I, personally, stand on this, it's a little more brief.

Yes, I do have opinions on how this was handled. Yes, I do think the community should have approached it differently.

But what I think should have happened isn't my place to say.

I don't consider myself to be someone that was affected by this. Even if I WAS a system, I don't think I'm active enough in Jojo's community to weigh in on this—hence why I didn't post about the wayback machine snapshot, despite being trans. It doesn't impact me, SPECIFICALLY me, in any way I actually feel hurt by.

But I also recognize that I'm not everyone, and my experiences are not everyone's. What should matter here are the people that this DID hurt, above everything else, and supporting them simply because they WERE hurt. You can disagree with the interpretation those people have of Jojo's apologies, but in the end, it's not your apology to respond to.

I'm removing myself from Jojo's works because, VERY simply, the things I've read about her tell me that she's not a person I would want as a friend. I personally think her apologies were padded with unnecessary details, and it detracted from how sincere she was. I personally think that, given her track record, this indicates a mean streak that she reins in when it isn't socially acceptable. I have standards in the company I keep, and I have boundaries I don't want crossed. So this is me drawing the line on what I find okay. And if I don't like a person, it's my decision to not interact with them, no matter what they say or do.

You're free to draw your own interpretations. Maybe you think this is all being blown out of proportion. Maybe you think she's genuinely sincere, or that she's trying her best. And that's YOUR decision—I'm not going to tell you what you can or can't think, or who you can or can’t interact with. Just know where I stand, and respect the boundaries of the people around you.