#;when you're going through hell keep on going (adult verse)

[scarletwinterxx]

wait for your love - haechan scenario

hellloooo so this one is a request. I've mentioned it before, i'm still not the best at writing angst but I try😅 when i saw this request, a few scenes immediately popped in my head. Hope you like it🥺 also I was listening to We Can't Be Friends by Ariana on repeat while writing this.

Also a short anecdote, when I saw nct dream last year during Sorry, Heart stage I literally bawled my eyes out. Like full on ugly sobbing in my seat haha I was okay during the first verse but when it got to Haechan's turn to sing the chorus the tears just went falling like waterfalls

ANYWAYSSSSSS

For my other works you can check them out here, and for my other story series’ you can check them out here.

and if you want, u can buy me coffee(totally optional but any donation is very much appreciated!) thank you🥺💛

All works are copyrighted ©scarletwinterxx 2024 . Do not repost, re-write without the permission of author.

(gif not mine, credits to rightful owner)

"What are we then?"

Those words shouldn't scare Haechan as much as it does. He hates it too. He hates how he can't say it to you but he doesn't want to let you go either.

He hates this grey area the two of you are in now.

"We're us. Isn't that enought?" he asks back

"For fuck's sake, we've been seeing each other for what? like 2 years now? And until now you still can't commit? I can't call you my boyfriend, you don't like it when people ask if we're dating"

"Because it's none of their fucking business"

"Well it's my business, I'm asking you right now, what the hell am I to you?" you stare at him, waiting for an answer. Any answer.

At this point hearing him say you don't mean anything to him would make more sense than the usual silence he'd give you.

"Baby, please I don't want to argue" he mumbles

"See, this is what you do all the time. I'm not a play toy. I'm not some past time you can call whenever you're bored, Haechan. We're adults now. I've invested my time, my feelings, a fraction of my life to you. For this. And you can't even answer me, is that too much to ask? Am I too much?"

You look at him, waiting for him to argue back. You didn't know it was this draining to be in a relationship or situationship or whatever it is you have with him. At some point you got tired of asking him what this all means. When it's clear he's not going to answer you, you stood up from your seat

"I can't do this" you whispered

"What?"

"I can't. I can't do what you're asking, Haechan" you speak clearer this time

He waits a few moments, letting the words sink in.

"What do you mean? I thought you said... you said we can"

With every word he tries not to show he's breaking right and the only thing keeping him together is you, and here you are about to slip through his fingers.

"We can't keep all promises, right? Like how you promised you'll try. This isn't trying."

"Baby-" "Don't" you cut him off. You know it will be a lot harder to walk away if you hear him call you that, it's already hard on you now.

"This is me letting you go" were your last words to him before walking away. You wipe the few tears that escaped, plastering a very fake smile before taking the first step away.

One of many you'd try to take just to get away from this heartbreak.

You would want to say that's not how it ended, that he changed his mind and finally mustered the courage to call you and say what he's really thinking. You want to say that he came the next day and surprised you, knocking on your door holding sunflowers for you.

But no.

After that day you never heard from him again. When you got the (unspoken) message that he'll never try to reach out and fix things between the two of you, you blocked him on everything. Your friends didn't ask questions, you went on with your life. Trying your best to bury and let that part of your story go.

From spending every day and most nights together to being strangers. You acted like he never existed to cover up the hurt you're feeling.

It's been over a year since that. You haven't really cried about it. Not even the day after he left. It's like you're just a shell now. You locked everything in a pandora box in your head, to be forgotten for the rest of time.

"Hey did you hear Dreamers new song?" your roommate asks the moment she steps through the door. You were sitting on the dinning chair, stacks of works and your laptop infront of you

She hears the song playing in the background, "Of course you have, it's good right?" she smiles

"Mhm, I like it"

"Sorry, Heart. Definitely an anthem for the broken hearted" she says withouth meaning out, "I meant like you know it's a sad song" she adds

You chuckle, she probably thinks this song is very fitting for you and you kinda agree with her.

"Anyways, I'm going to the lounge later. Want to come with?"

"Sounds good, I actually need to go out, stretch my legs and get some fresh air"

"Okay, let's leave after lunch"

You met with other friends at the lounge, chatting and sharing notes together. It was a good way to pass time. These days you find that it's best to keep yourself occupied so as not to think about things you'd rather not think about. You kept yourself busy. Finding random hobbies, fixation. For a while you liked running after class, then you got into baking, then crocheting. Activities that keeps you busy, distracted long enough not to remember.

One day you were at a record store, your newest hobby. Browsing for a new record to take home. Today out of the days you forgot to bring your headphones so you hum along the music playing in the store.

While reading the back of the record you were holding, you hear it.

A familiar voice you haven't heard in a long time, a voice you didn't think you'd hear again.

Your head shoots up, looking at the other side of the aisle.

You'd know his voice anywhere. You can be inside the loudest room and you'd still be able to single out his voice.

There he stands right across you, signing out your favorite bands newest song while he has his headphones on. Probably not realizing he's singing a bit too loud.

When Haechan felt someone staring at him, he looks up not expecting you to be looking back at him. He blinks a few times, comtemplating if this was all a dream or he's going crazy and started to hallucinate.

Immediately you put back the record you were holding and ran out the store. Once again leaving Haechan behind.

You're already far by the time he takes the steps to follow you, thinking this time he's not going to make the same mistake but you were already gone.

He knows you blocked him. Of course he tried to call you but his efforts were shut down when he couldn't reach you or his messages won't deliver.

Similar to you, he tried to find distractions. To drown out the thoughts, he drinks, goes out to parties, too many nights he drunk texted you, saying how much he missed you only to see it in the morning unsent. Most of the time there's music directly blasting through his ears. Music being his only escape from his own thoughts, if he's left long enough it's like his own mind is beating him up.

That's how he got into collecting records. He was on the look out for this new record so he decided to drop by the store that day. He didn't expect to see you there.

Out of all the places he'd see you again.

He's not going to lie, he imagined this moment many times before. Even rehearsed what he'd say to you when he see you again but now that it happened he just froze on the spot.

Just like that it's like he back in his room, watching you walk out his door for the last time. He's back to square one.

It's been weeks and no sign of Haechan. It's a good thing, you think.

Also you've been subtly avoiding going to public places just in case you accidently see him again. You thought you're ready, but the moment you saw him it's like all of these emotions you've repressed since you left came back again.

Your roommate finally convinced you to come out. A few of you were gathering for karaoke night. You almost said no again but you need a night out, one more night in your room might just drive you crazy.

"Oh my gosh, girlie you're hereeeee" one of your friends squeals when she saw you walk in the room

"I'm here as a spectator, not to sing" you tell her, accepting the bottle of beer she hands you

"Alright by me, you better cheer the loudest when I sing"

You got invited to karaoke night. A couple of students from campus got together tonight to hang out for chill night. Even though you don't really sing, you do enjoy hanging out with your friends.

You were talking to another friend when suddenly you hear the intro to a familiar song being sung by a familiar voice.

왜 이리도 쉽게 토라지는지? (Why do I become mad so easily) 내 맘이 작아서 너무 한심하지? (It's pathetic that my heart is so small right?)

You look over the makeshift stage to see Haechan holding the mic, singing out one of your favorite songs.

어떻게 널 볼까? (How can I see you?) 밤새 뒤척인 맘의 조각들 반짝이지 않아 (I toss and torn all night The fragments of my heart don't shine) 난 알고 있는데 내가 할 수 있는 건 (I know it, what I can do is) "I'm sorry", 그 말뿐이란 걸 (Only those words)

Before the chorus starts, Haechan looks through the crowd finding you. He looks straight at you as if he's singing every word to you.

Words you wished you heard from him a long time ago.

Tell me why I let you down Any chance I get, I'm breaking down 잘못인 걸 다 아는데 (아는데), 왜 힘든 걸까? (I know I'm at fault but why is it tiring?) To tell you that I'm sorry, heart

For the rest of the song the two of you look at each other. You listen to him, imagining it was really him who was saying those words and not through the song.

When he finished, you stood up to go outside and get some fresh air.

Of course he's here. Luck was never on your side and fate seems to like playing jokes on you.

Haechan watches your back, giving the mic to the next person before following you out. You hear the footsteps behind you, knowing who it might be without looking back.

You're now at the rooftop of the building, a fewer people were hanging out here than inside. Feeling another presence beside you but they haven't said anything yet.

Even though you already know who it was, you don't say anything instead you get another beer from a nearby cooler and passing it over to Haechan without a word.

For a while neither of you said anything, watching the view in front of you.

“I get flashbacks when I see you and not the good kind” you finally speak out loud

“You’re saying that like I was the worst thing that ever happened to you” he snickers, holding the bottle up to his lips to drink his beer

He really didn’t think you’d talk to him or even acknowledge his existence at all. But now here you are, at some rooftop at a party he least expected to see you. 

He’s trying not to be too obvious but he can’t keep his eyes off of you. Maybe it was the way the light hit your face, or how the cold breeze was hitting his skin and yours. The moment he arrived he was kind of hoping to find you here tonight. He knew some of your friends were coming, you did use to have the same circle of friends until he started to distance himself.

He's glad though knowing you found good people who'll be there for you.

He's looking at you again, not being able to stop himself. It was at this moment he realized. Realized something he never thought he was ever capable of ever doing again. 

Feeling. Loving. Falling and accepting. 

The sound of horns from cars and the murmuring people in the background, the city lights in front the two of you and the stars as the witnesses. Witness for something that’s about to unfold.

It was scary. This new found knowledge scared him. 

In the past it was scary to him to even think about being tied down. To be committed to someone. All of this comes from his fear of failing. He wanted to tell you that before, the last day before you ended things between the two of you he wanted to let you know the reason why he couldn’t set things straight with you was because he was scared of letting you down. He was scared you might feel trapped. 

It's wasn't you who was too much for him. He was the one who felt like he was too much for you. He thought he was being too fast, too careless. His fears got the better of him, costing him a future with you.

You walked away and everything in his life got worse. Like the only light in his life was extinguished. 

Right now feels like that one chance to get things right. Even though he still feels scared, this time he’s willing to take that risk for you.

There are other things to be scared of, like your gaze. It was the way you were looking at him.

Like you can just consume all of him with those eyes. How you’re saying a thousand words with them without saying a single syllable.

One look into his own eyes and he's ready to surrender everything to you.

“Do you really want to hear my answer to that or are you still emotionally unavailable?” you ask, taking a sip of your own drink. 

“At what point did you realize you liked me? Like really liked me?” he asked instead, all he got was a laugh from you. You were laughing out loud like it was the funniest joke you’ve ever heard. 

“We were watching a movie, I mumbled something under my breath. I think it was something along the lines of ‘oh that’s so cute’, talking to myself. Then I felt you hold my hand, you kissed it before holding it in yours for the rest of the movie. It’s not the grandest gesture but at that moment I felt so content. It was all I wanted but I knew you didn’t think the same way” you smile sadly recalling that memory. Giving him an answer, wondering why you did.

"I guess I never said sorry, I'm sorry"

You shrug, taking another swig from your drink. "What's done is done. I would say no hard feelings but I kinda do hate you for what you did"

"Good. I'd be sadder if you said you didn't care. Hate isn't the opposite of love, it's indifference" he says

"Was that what you felt for me before? Indifference?" you can't help but ask, in your mind you're not sure if you're ready to hear his answer but it's too late to take it back

He shakes his head, drinking the rest of his drink before standing straight to face you

"I felt more for you, more than I ever said. In that I was wrong, I admit. I should've told you. It might be no use in telling you now, but I did feel something for you. I was being stupid and was too scared to admit it"

"Then why are you telling me now?"

"Because I realized not having you in my life is scarier than the thoughts in my head. I was too scared of my own mind, I sacrificed you instead when I shouldn't have. I could've told you. I wish I told you"

You listen to him, letting it sink in. For so long you asked just what went wrong, what you could've done differently or what would've happened if you stayed.

"I waited, I waited until you told me you liked me. But the more I waited, the more I started to not like myself. I knew I deserved more but I stayed because I wanted to be with you. You were always first to me" you say

Hearing you say those words breaks something in him. He did like you, he still likes you. Haechan has always kept a safe distance from everyone, you were the only exception.

"I'm glad we got to talk" you say to him with a smile, then you walk back inside.

This time Haechan didn't follow you because he knows this won't be the last time he sees you.

"Oh my gosh, so that's what happened between the two of you?"

After that conversation with Haechan, you went back to your place and called it a night. The next day your roommate noticed you were staring blankly into space, out of concern she asked you what's wrong. You told her all that happened in the past 24 hours then you told her all about your history with Haechan.

"Yep, I haven't seen him around campus that much after that"

"You know, one of his friends is my blockmate and we go to the same gym. I heard he did an exchange program for a year, maybe that's why you haven't seen him around" she tells you

"Oh really, he did mention it before. Maybe he went through with it" you mumbled

"So you guys were like in a situationship then?"

"I guess so. We weren't exclusive, but he was the only guy I was seeing for like 2 years. Remember when I was barely home"

"Oh! That was him? He used to like send food here all the time whenever you were busy studying"

"What?"

"Oh my god I forgot to tell you that? yea this was like when you guys were a thing. During exam season or when you're busy with reports and stuff, he'd drop off food for you" she tells you

"I thought you had those delivered"

"Girl no, half of the time he leaves it at our door. The only reason I know is because I caught him one time and he fessed up"

No, you definitely didn't know that.

Haechan never told you. He never told you anything. At some point you thought it was better to not ask instead of being met with silence as a reply.

One thing you know though is he's the type to take action rather than say it. You won't be surprised if he did it before, he might not be good at expressing himself but he never passed the chance to make you feel like you're the only girl in his world.

It feels like that was another lifetime ago, that at some point in your life you'd rather be the backburner than totally lose him.

Seeing him again was no help. It's like you spiraled down again. You thought he didn't have this effect on you anymore but you were wrong. You'd be lying if you say you haven't thought of him since you saw him last.

What you didn't know was Haechan felt exactly the same. He's trying to think of a way to reach out to you without seeming to needy, he didn't want you to think he's forcing himself back into your life.

Another week has passed and still no sign of you. He decided to get drinks with his friends, he's a few drinks in when he decided to call it an early night. This really wasn't where he wanted to be.

He's not sure where he wants to be. All he knows is his night would be a thousand times better if he sees you, even just a glimpse.

On his walk back to his place, he plucked a branch from a random plant. Picking out the leaves one by one, leaving a trail behind him.

You're on your way back from the library, deciding to get some midnight snacks first. You noticed the scattered leaves on the road, chuckling at the sight. The more steps you take, you slowly realized it's the same path to your apartment.

You slowed down, looking around to check if anybody was close to you but the street is empty. You grab your phone in your pocket just in case, while you hold your keys with the other hand.

When you're nearing your front door, you see someone sitting at the steps. Head lying low, you can't even see his face but you'd know that brown mop of hair anywhere.

"Haechan?" you called out for him

Haechan looks up, seeing you walking towards him. At first he thinks he's dreaming, he wipes his eyes to clear his vision. Even pinched his arm to check if this was real.

You're here.

He's here.

"What are you doing here?" you asked once you're standing right in front of him

"I grabbed drinks with Yangyang and Jeno, I swear I was walking home. I guess I got confused" he mumbles, now holding a branch with no leaves on it.

You look at it, then looked back at the trail of leaves behind you.

"Do you want to come in? Go drink some water or coffee first before you head back" you offered

"Are you sure?" he asks back, standing up from the steps

"Wouldn't offer if I wasn't. Let's go inside, it's getting chilly"

He steps aside to let you go first, following behind you. The elevator ride up to your floor was quiet, even after going in your apartment Haechan didn't say a word.

"Here, have some water. I can make coffee but it's too late to drink it, do you want ramen or something?" you ask him while getting the snacks you got out of the grocery bag

"Do you usually ask guys to come in with you and cook ramen for them?" he asks

He meant to only think of it, but with the little amount of alcohol in his system seems to have turn the filter off.

You snicker at his question. Instead of answering him, you grab two ramen cup noodles from your cupboard and turn the kettle on. You wait for the red light to turn green before pouring it in the cups, bringing it over the kitchen island and taking the seat beside him.

"I can't even order late night snacks without thinking about you, we used to do it all the time when I came over at yours or when we're having late night hangouts. You ruined a lot of things for me" you finally say

Haechan just looks at your profile. Even though you say it like that, there's really no trace of anger on your face. Maybe you are, but to him you look so pretty and cozy. He wanted to beat himself up for ever thinking he can walk away from this. From you.

"For what it's worth, whenever I get drunk I used to text you all the time. You probably blocked me because the messages never got delivered. Every morning I see that on my phone, message after message until I lost count. I knew you weren't going to answer but I still did it"

"Why?" you ask him

"I missed you. I wanted to tell you I was being stupid, I wanted to beg for you to take me back. But all of those thing I could only say with a bit of help from alcohol. That's how I knew I couldn't go back, not yet anyways. You deserved more than drunken confessions"

You look over at him, for the first time since that night you really look at him. The same eyes that used to feel like home to you.

He looked so different yet the same.

You still feel the same.

"It's been 3 minutes, you hate soggy noodles" you nod at his ramen. Opening your own cup to start eating. Neither of you said anything after that. It wasn't awkward, you actually enjoyed the quiet.

For the first time since Haechan came back and you saw him again, your mind was at peace. You weren't overthinking things. You weren't wondering your long list of what if's.

It's like a part of you knew he's finally here again.

After the quick snack session, he helped you clean up before walking towards the door.

"Thank you for the uh snacks and water" he didn't know what to say, a shy Haechan is a rare sight so you can't help but smile.

Haechan sees this, he can feel his own cheeks redden. You still look so beautiful when you smile, so beautiful that he's ready to fight anyone who makes you smile that isn't him.

"Go home, it's late. You're sober now right?" you ask him

"Yea, I'm good"

"Okay, don't want you getting confused and going to someone else's front door"

"I promise I won't drunk text you again so will you unblock me now? Or if you have a new number you can text me or whatever. Actually you know what, do whatever makes you feel comfortable. Don't listen to me, I'm just blabbing now"

You can't help but giggle at him, the action making Haechan's heart skip a few beats.

"I'm imagining this is how those drunk texts would sound like" you say

"I missed you, Y/N" he mumbles

You don't say anything. He can hear his own heartbeating, each thump like it's the last then you're smiling back at him

"Goodnight, Haechan"

He smiles at you, waving goodbye before finally walking out. He gestures for you to close the door behind him, only leaving after he hears the lock from the other side. He skips back home.

The next few days were back to normal, you weren't feeling gloomy. You were going out with friends. All in all, you're in a great mood.

"Hey, somebody left this outside. Tell me I'm crazy but is this from Haechan?" your roommate hands you over a small bouquet of flowers with a paper bag full of snacks.

"Uh yeah, I think so"

"I know things didn't end well between the two of you, but the boy is still so whipped for you" she mumbles, watching the small smile on your face

"Maybe it's just a peace offering"

"Right, well whatever it might be I say go for it. As long as you're happy"

You look up at her, shocked to hear that all of a sudden "Isn't that what you're worrying about? You really think I didn't notice it, you were listening to Sorry, Heart on repeat the other day then now you're listening to love songs. If he's it for you, then give it a chance"

She left after that, leaving you alone at home.

You take the gifts Haechan sent to your room, putting the flowers in a vase. You see a small note attached,

xx12131xxx just in case you lost it or changed your number. - H

You get your phone and dial the number, it's still in your phone. You unblock it first before you click call, waiting a few rings before you hear his voice

"Y/N?"

"How did you know it was me?"

"I wasn't expecting anyone else, and uh it looks like you didn't change your number"

"Oh yea uhm so you're unblocked now" you told him, not really sure what else to say

He chuckles, "Thanks, so I'm guessing you got the flowers and the snacks?"

"Yeah, thanks by the way. Why though?"

"You shared your stash with me the other night, just wanted to pay you back"

"You didn't have to, I offered. But thanks again"

"Hey uh are you busy right now? or tomorrow or really whenever you're free"

"I don't have anymore classes today"

"Do you want to go grab coffee or food or anything really. Whatever you want, my treat"

If someone told you you'd be going out to get drinks with Haechan, you'd say they're out of their mind. But here you are, visiting a new cafe you've never been to with a guy you thought you'd never be with again.

"I'd get the taro milktea, thanks"

"I'll take this one" he points at the drink in the picture, "And two of the cookies please, thank you" he pulls out his card to pay for the both of you. When you got your drinks and food, you walked back outside to sit on the vacant seats. The weather was nice, it wasn't too hot or too cold. A perfect day to be out.

You open your drink, taking a quick sip while Haechan does the same. You notice he made the face, like when he drinks or eats something sour.

"It's lemon flavored isn't it?" you chuckle, taking the drink from him and giving yours to him instead

"No, it's fine. I'll drink it"

"You hate anything sour flavored, I like lemon it's fine" you sip his drink, it does taste good but you know he won't like it

He watches you get the cookies, breaking it in half before giving him the other.

"If you have anything to say, just say it. You're too in your head again" you tell him

"Sorry, I was just..." he's at lost for words, but this time not for the wrong reason.

It's like his mind can't put what he's feeling in to words.

"Did you get the record you were looking for?" you ask him, changing the topic

"Huh?"

"At the record store"

"Oh I wasn't really buying anything, I was just browsing around. They didn't have the vinyl version of the album I wanted, I'll come back some other time" he tells you, taking a sip of your well now his drink.

"You were singing to the Dreamers, you know them?"

"I know a few songs, Sorry, Heart is good. I like that one"

"Me too. You sounded good when you sang it" you complimented him, this made him smile shyly at you

"Isn't it a bit too sad?" he asks, you shrug your shoulders

"I like it, although my roommate said I've been playing love songs these past few days" you shake your head, remembering what she told you

"Thank you by the way" Haechan suddenly says

"For what? You paid for our drinks"

"I meant for agreeing to get drinks with me. I was an asshole to you. All the time I was gone, I was thinking about how to make it up to you. That is if it's okay with you" he tells you.

He mentally pats himself on the back for not messing that up. Maybe slowly he'll learn how to speak his true feelings, he just hopes you'll be there to listen to him. Even though it took him this long.

"The last thing you asked me was what are we, I was being stupid. I wanted us to be more. I wanted us to be official but I was always scared to say it. I don't know why I was ever scared of committing, I could've been with you. That's my regret"

"Haechan"

"You're not a playtoy to me or just some past time whenever I'm bored. You were never too much for me. If anything I was the one who lacked. I don't blame you for walking away, I deserved that. I needed that so I could finally grow up"

You listen to him. You listen to him finally say the words you've been waiting to hear from him.

"This time I want to do it right, I want to take you out on dates, be there to go on night walks with you, go buy records we'd listen to, whatever you want to I just wan to do it with you. If you'll still have me"

The last words was barely a whisper, like he's scared to say it outloud, scared you might turn him away.

Haechan feels his heart beating wildly again, one day he might pass from arrest he thinks. Then you smile at him and it's like everything in his world stops.

You lean over, kissing the corner of his lip lightly. It was so quick but to him it felt like long time

"All I wanted was that, when it gets too much in your head you can talk to me. I'll listen. We don't have to walk away from each other" you tell him

"I'm sorry" he whispers

"I forgive you, the same way I forgive myself from everything that has happened. We need to heal from those wounds for us to move forward"

He smiles at you, he didn't even notice he got a bit teary eyed until a few tears escaped. He wipes it away before looking back at you again.

You stand up from your seat, holding out your hand to him. He looks at your hand then your face then your hand again before intertwining it with his.

There wasn't a destination in mind, he's probably thinking the same. The two of you just walk where your steps lead you to, with him following beside you holding you close to him.

Haechan looks at your hands, a smile forming on his face. He leans towards you to kiss you on the head, the action making you smile too.

"Thank you" you hear him mumble. You didn't say anything back but he felt you grip his hand tighter. Squeezing it three times.

And he knew everything was finally going to be okay. This time, you won't let go.

[ikkosu]

REST

mouse-verse

"It's barely even ten, mouse — is that coffee on your table?"

YOU brought up the disposable cup : pale parchment rimmed with green and wagged it a little for him to see. The liquid sloshed and steam flared from the muddled veneer. Where he stood, teetering in front of your desk, his frown deepened — then, he sighed.

"I understand the forcefield parameter needs reforming. And, I understand it's not an easy task to manage. But the only thing you're working towards to, here, is killing yourself." He nudged it away from his periphery. "You hunkered down on two cups, already?"

"It's only around five milligrams of caffeine." You set it down; tack on your desk, frowning when it left a brown spot.

He pressed a digit against his temple, possibly to soothe the incoming migraine straining his circuits. "Adults are advised to consume at least less than four hundred a day. You've consumed double the quota."

" Less doesn't keep me awake." You stand up, trotting towards a metal rimmed cabinet holstered by left side of the wall.

"Less, keeps you alive." He scowls. "Don't think I'm not aware of what you've been doing up these recent nights. Those concealer under your eyes aren't so subtle, mouse."

You chuffed, sorting through the files. "Alright then, mister preacher. If you get to have a say then I do as well : how about the cubes of 'engex' I found tucked under your desk, hm? Not so preaching anymore, huh."

Prowl turns sharply away; his door wings pike up and you smiled. "Those are non-alcoholic. You brewed them, yourself."

"Indeed, I did." You grabbed a plastic bag. "And guess how much caffeine i've docked inside the engex?"

Prowl turns back, gritting his teeth. Smug brat. "Don't change the subject, mouse.You and I both know I've dealt with  far worse and a little lack of recharge isn't going to kill me. Which stands to reason,  your body needs  rest or the base is going to scour for another scientist that's at least not hell bent on killing herself."

"Already decided."

"Excuse me?" Prowl watches as you wrangle out a folded cushion from the bag: teal green of color, and rolled it across the floor.

You shrugged off your lab coat and underneath is a soft white tee with a modest neckline. Prowl isn't sure whether to turn away or keep looking.

"What are you doing." He says dryly.

You sat on the cushion, giving the spot beside you a prim pat. "We're at a stalemate. How about we counter the assault by caving in to a truce?"

Prowl stares at you for a moment, likely contemplating the need for fresh air through the open door, or the prospect of copping himself up inside your laboratory. Alone, together.

Doesn't seem so bad.

The cushion dips and cool metal curls around the side of your waist before pitting you close to his chassis. A warm kind of thrum pulses throughout your body and one servo molds against your cheek, cool to the touch, thumb on the plush of your lips.

Prowl tries not to sound amused through his solemn reverie. "If that's your suggested strategy, then I wouldn't want to know what many more would come if ever you're to take reign of the battle field."

You grinned and gave the digit a peck  "What can I say, officer? I did look for both logic and reason."

"It's still not very strategic." He murmers and his lips find the crook of your neck, nose a soft nestle against your jawline as he kisses it.

"Rest."

[sitp-recs]

going on a loooooong flight and wanted 2 know what your fav flight fics are!

Safe travels, anon!! I rarely read on the plane myself but these long fics are very immersive, and I feel like they would be great flight reads. I made this list 70k+ to keep it short, but there are many great 50k stories out there as well! I also tried to include many T-rated fics as you’ll be in public lol but happy to add more Explicit works if you like 😈

Transfigurations by Resonant (E, 71k)

Five years after Voldemort's defeat, Harry returns to England to help re-open Hogwarts.

Timecode by Rasborealis (M, 73k)

Harry Potter has been dead for two years, and Draco would laugh in the face of anyone claiming differently. Well, anyone but Hermione Granger.

Dwelling by aideomai (T, 83k)

Curses, James and Lily Potter ride again, several Ministry balls, a teenage Summer of Love, a grim young adult dystopian winter, a few different Draco Malfoys, secrets and the problems re: not having any, alternate lives, impossible lives, real lives, allusions to Dirty Dancing, and just because it's not called the Mirror of Erised doesn't mean you shouldn't know better.

Hermione Granger's Hogwarts Crammer for Delinquents on the Run by waspabi (T, 93k)

'You're a wizard, Harry' is easier to hear from a half-giant when you're eleven, rather than from some kids on a tube platform when you're seventeen and late for work.

Allegiance and Sedition by SilentAuror (E, 100k)

The war is in its fifth year, and Harry finds himself caught up in the confusion of friend versus enemy, spy versus traitor. Cw: mcd

There Is Always the Moon by firethesound (T, 159k)

Draco's life after the war is everything he wanted it to be: it's simple, and quiet, and predictable, and safe. But when a mysterious curse shatters the peace he'd worked so hard to build, there's only one person he can trust to help him. After all, Harry Potter has saved his life before. Now Draco has to believe that Potter will be able to do it one more time.

Number Seven by sara_holmes (M, 253k)

Harry already has small children, an ex-wife, annoying colleagues and an international crime ring to deal with. So when Draco Malfoy reappears after eight years AWOL in France, of course Harry is going to leave him well alone...Right?

Eclipse by Mijan (T, 257k)

Draco swore his revenge on Harry for Lucius's imprisonment, and Harry all but laughed at him. But Draco is planning more than schoolyard pranks this time. The old rivalry turns deadly when Draco abducts Harry for Voldemort. It's the perfect plan, guaranteeing revenge, power, and prestige, all in one blow. But when Draco's world turns upside down, the fight to save himself and Harry begins, and the battle will take them both through hell and back. If they come back.

Twist of Fate by Oakstone730 (T, 300k)

Draco asks Harry to help him beat the Imperius curse during 4th year. The lessons turn into more than either expected. A story of redemption and forgiveness.

Foundations!verse by Saras_Girl (E, 364k)

Harry is about to discover that the steepest learning curve comes after Healer training, and that second chances can be found in unexpected places.

[casspurrjoybell-33]

Wreckless - The Camden Yards

*Warning Adult Content*

Emmett

It's a perfect day to be at Camden Yards. The weather is gorgeous, we're playing the Yankees and I have a gorgeous, funny, sweet guy with me. He left my place before dinner last night, begging off to get some work done. I missed sleeping with him and hell, waking up with him but it was all good. Finnegan insisted on buying food, beer and snacks even though I told him they'd come around to the stands. He went a little bit overboard and I am balancing quite a bit on my lap. He bought himself a t-shirt after I turned the offer down and he's wearing it while munching on peanuts. We already had hot dogs and I am enjoying a very frothy beer.

"It's so cool from up here, I love the stadium."

"Ballpark. Not as old as Fenway or Wrigley but it's a gorgeous park. A bit small so there are lots of home runs which is always fun."

"Wait, they're not all the same size?"

"Nope, they just squeeze them into the city however they can."

"How is that fair?" he asks, more perturbed than I expected.

"It's not, darling but teams travel lots which evens it out a bit. The pitching mounds and bases are all the same, it's just the outfields that vary a little."

"Oh, that's better. There are so many people here. I know that sounds stupid because of course there are but it's different somehow being in here."

"Yeah, there's an energy. The game is about to start, you need anything else? Looks like you're well provisioned."

"I'm good, just tell me when to cheer," he teases.

"Any questions, just ask. You'll do fine."

We went over a few basic rules on the way here and it's just not that complicated of a game. Once you know how many outs there are and how many innings, you're halfway there if your goal is just to enjoy watching a game. We lost, unfortunately but Finnegan seemed to enjoy himself anyway and I did too. I actually offered to leave at the end of the sixth inning because there was no way we were going to pull ahead but Finnegan wanted to watch the entire thing. I didn't mind, it gave me more time to process my last beer.

"You should come back to my place," he offers.

I picked him up so I have to but I know what he means.

"Sounds good to me, Finnegan."

I am up for whatever is going to happen, whichever Finnegan I get.

He's very, I don't know how to put it because saying 'adult' seems condescending and I'm not sure whether or not he has the infamous 'headspace' I've read about or how he ebbs and flows. Still, I've gotten to the point that I can tell, almost by looking at him, what to expect and right now, it's not cute brief boy. The thing is that we're in public so he may change as soon as we're in the car or back at his place, I just don't know.

I have time to think as we join the mass of humanity and thread our way through the park and towards the car. I wish he'd talk more about it, open up, but none of my prying has done any good and I've learned to keep my mouth shut about it. The drive home is quiet, he mostly stares out the window and I follow him politely up to his door. He walks in, gives me enough room to close the door behind me and then stops, staring at me.

"Would you actually bottom, are you verse or were you just saying that?"

That kind of came out of nowhere.

"I'm verse. I'm happy to let you have your wicked way with me if you'd like."

"Like fifty-fifty or?"

Harder question.

"Uh, seventy-five-twenty-five maybe?"

"Wait, which one is the seventy-five?"

This is ridiculous.

"I prefer fucking, darling but if you want to I am more than happy to be fucked. Why? What's your preference?"

"I dated a bottom once and topped but eh, not my favorite. Too much work. We only lasted like two months."

That cracks me up but it's true, you'd think tops would be a dime a dozen but they're in shockingly rare supply.

"You're funny. Finnegan, how do you want this to go? We've sort of been all over the place so I don't want to assume."

"That's it exactly, I feel like I've been all over the place. It's not usually this complicated but you mess with my head a little bit. I'm not being bitchy, maybe it's a good thing but I sort of feel like my old routines don't work with you."

"Maybe we should stop talking about it and just see what happens" I say right before I kiss him.

He puts his hands around my neck, he loves playing in my hair and I grip his waist. We end up sort of heading for the couch and I decide right then and there that I'd like to put him over it.

"Wanna bend you over the couch."

"God, sounds good. Only thing it's good for, hard as a fucking rock."

"Yes, yes I am," I tease and he laughs.

He steps back just long enough for both of us to take off our shirts.

"Supplies, darling and a towel."

Don't want him coming all over the sofa.

"One second."

I watch his cute ass sashay into his bedroom and I hope he's getting rid of those pants because mine are coming off. I wonder if he'll fit kneeling over the back? Maybe leaning over is better. He's right, topping is hard.

"You're smiling. Where do you want me?"

I pull him against me, skin to skin and grab his ass, teasing his bud while I kiss his neck. He's already prepped, such a good little bottom and he moans sweetly when I slip a finger inside. He's stroking me, as if I need it and right now I hate condoms because I have to stop making his breath hitch like that and get myself ready. Once I'm lubed I reach for him, slicking his cock so that I can make him crazy later. He looks gorgeous bent over the couch, his head resting on one forearm while he slowly strokes himself with his free hand.

"Okay babe. Are you ready?" 

I've never called anyone that before but it feels good to me and he doesn't argue.

"Hmm. Please," he replies, opening beautifully as I slide inside.

I give him a few minutes to adjust and he lets me know when he's ready. He feels amazing and I pause when I'm fully seated, enjoying and appreciating the sensation of being squeezed by his sweet ass.

"Love a patient man, Emmett. Thank you."

"You feel so good, Finnegan. I want to take good care of you."

"Come on then. Show me what you've got."

And so I do.

[emmaelix]

MHA Boys + Men When You're on Your Period Headcanons

I'm on my period and my boyfriend is on a work trip. And so, I have turned to my magical and animated boyfriends. Slight Spy X Family spoilers, plus some really stupid Naruto references because I think Anime-ception is a thing.

And also I just started watching Spy X Family and holy cow! Why did no one recommend this to me sooner?

Boom Boom Boy: AKA Katsuki Bakugo

Let's get one thing straight. Mitsuki taught this boy well. He knows how everything down there works, and he knows how pads and tampons work. Hell, he even knows about period cups.

He does not, however, know how to use this knowledge in a public setting. His mother, also, did not have bad mood swings during her period. You, on the other hand...

"Damn you! What's wrong with you Loid?!" You yell as you throw the empty wrapper of your favorite candy. Suddenly tears start to flow down your cheeks. "He does care!"

Bakugo is standing there, watching you, trying to figure out what to do. Mina, or mom? Mina, or mom? As he stares at his phone he realizes Mina is probably the better option. "Hello?" Mina answers, surprisingly energetic for the late time.

"Help," is all Bakugo says. Twenty minutes later Mina is knocking on his apartment door, Jirou, Denki, and Kirishima in tow.

"I brought her favorites. Along with these," Mina says, allowing her three companions to step inside. Each held one to two shopping bags.

An hour later and Bakugo has been debriefed. He's as grumpy as you, but at least now he knows why. I mean, what man - actual father or not - lets his wife and daughter be treated like that? Shame on you, Loid Forger.

Mind Control Man: AKA Hitoshi Shinsou

Hitoshi, unlike Bakugo, is not the most well-versed in women. Or people in general, for that matter. He'll be supportive, but he'll be shit at it at first.

Mood swings? He thinks you hate him. Hormonal acne? He offers you a facial. Not wearing white? He tells you you look great in white. Not sitting down? He tells you, "Your feet'll get tired."

He's trying, though. He'll even ask Aizawa for help. I personally headcanon Aizawa keeps period stuff in his desk for the girls.

If you do tell Shinsou you're on your period he's going to be googling until three in the morning. He's going to help you out. He'll even get pads and tampons. By asking Aizawa.

"Here you go, Hitoshi," Aizawa says, handing Shinsou a small box of things. Denki, who was also in the room runs up.

"What was that?" He asks, looking at Shinsou's retreating frame. "I want one!"

Denki now keeps pads and tampons in his dorm room.

If you two stay together and have kids he'll definitely teach them about periods. Male or female, so his kids don't go through what he did when trying to figure out how to help.

Bird Brain: AKA Keigo Takami

Keigo's an adult man, he has female co-workers. He knows how periods work. He also knows how to be a little shit any day of the week, but when he forgets you're on your period and tries to do something annoying, let's just say he sleeps at the office for a while.

Picture the scene. You're watching Naruto in bed, eating a chocolate bar when Hawks comes in. You're on your period, and he would know that if he looked at the red dot on today's date on the calendar. But he doesn't, and that's where his problem arises.

Because you're about to lose what sanity you have left over anime, and Hawks wants to have fun. So as you're diligently watching your computer, cozy on your bed with your favorite blanket, Hawks decides what to do.

"Honey, I have a meeting. You need to come, and since it's Halloween soon it's a costume party. I'm going to dress up as my amazing self."

You knew the bull he was trying to pull. "I'll wear my devil costume," you say, walking over to your closet and pulling out a red and black body con dress, red heels, and horns.

While not comfortable, it was nice to see the bird brain dumbfounded for once as you pulled off your horns before walking into the room, stealing the eyes of all his male (and a few of his female) colleagues.

IcyThot on Thursdays: AKA Shoto Todoroki

Last, but if you say he's the least I'll throw you to Endeavor. Or the Dekusquad/Mina, whoever's closer. :)

This boy has had a very... traumatic life. Suffice it to say periods are not something Endeavor thought Wonder Boy needed to know about.

SHOoOoTOOOOooo

BUT, he has Mina, possibly Jirou, definitely Momo, and their respective boyfriends to turn to. And turn he does, a full 180º.

He's sweet, hot, and portable. The perfect ice/hot pack. There's a reason he's called IcyThot. Whoops, that's hot, isn't it?

Jokes aside, however, he also has his sister, who I'm sure was able to say something to him at some point. Maybe.

Anyway, he's gonna be cuddling you whenever you want. And tracking your cycle.

So that's my headcanons before I run back to my recluse din to work on the next fic. Until next time, my dear simpers, Au Revoir, Arrividerci, and Auf Wiedersehen.

[shotforfavor]

assigning a mychem song to each tma entity :o)

i dont have anything for dark and buried. umm. also i dont know how to put a cut in a post sorry

corruption- demolition lovers. the relationship isnt good for either of them, but hes still willing to die for her ("im trying to let you know just how much you mean to me, after all the things we put each other through") all of his expressions of love for her are violent in nature ("id end my days with you in a hail of bullets" "you're the only one, like a bed of roses theres a dozen reasons in this gun") their love is built on violence, its hurting both of them, yet he still wants to die with her to prove his love and devotion to her

desolation- early sunsets over monroeville. life is perfect, him and his lover are on a mall date, feels like a movie. ("then holding hands and life was perfect") then it all comes crumbling down out of nowhere when a zombie outbreak kinda thing happens and said lover is bit. ("not knowing you'd change from just one bite, i fought them all off just to hold you close") he can't exactly leave the mall he's hiding in, ("trapped in by all these mountains") and now he has to kill the one good thing he has left. then he's just defeated. he has nothing else worth living for. "but does anything matter if you're already dead?"

end- the end. obvz. "when i grow up i want to be nothing at all" most of the song to me is him expressing he wants to die/he knows hes going to, and he takes it very casually, buttttt the very end of the song... "save me, get me the hell out of here, save me, too young to die my dear, you cant take me" hes afraid of death when actually facing it

extinction- scarecrow. this ones about a nuclear bomb and trying to run from your death and look at things positively even though you know everyones going to die. but theres kind of an acceptance at the end- "love wont stop this bomb, run, run, bunny, run" after this point, the only lyrics are saying to run and hide. no more "i'll keep you safe tonight", no more romanticism that makes the destruction sound poetic and almost beautiful. just running and hiding and hoping someone makes it out alive

eye- teenagers. me personally i think this one fits. "because they sleep with a gun and keep an eye on you, son, so they can watch all the things you do" he feels like he's constantly being watched by the adults in his life, and they're just waiting for him to make one wrong move that they can use to justify calling him a bad person. he stands out, his classmates make fun of him and spread rumors about him. in the context of the song, the lyrics are all rebelling against all of this, but on their own, they sound very paranoid about what others think of them

flesh- cancer. i think this one works, the patient expresses a lot of hatred for what his body is becoming due to the disease in verse 2 especially. "turn away, cause im awful just to see" its got the aspects of insecurity and physical change out of ones control characteristic of the flesh.

hunt- vampires will never hurt you. this one isnt really a fear of being prey, but rather his fear of becoming the hunter. "can you stake my heart?" "i'll never let them hurt you, i promise" he feels that his vampirism is a different side of him completely, one thats out of his control. he'd rather be killed now than lose control and make his loved ones his prey.

lonely- ghost of you. he lost someone important, and he can't stop thinking about it and replaying their memories in his head because he doesn't want to forget them, but dwelling is only making him miss them more. ("if i died, we'd be together now, i can't always just forget her") he just replays her death over and over in his head, constantly reminded that he's now alone. ("i remember now, at the top of my lungs in my arms, she dies" "all the things that you never ever told me, all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me, never coming home, never coming home")

slaughter- mama. i mean its literally about a soldier who did awful things during a war and his mother can't help but hate him for it. "but there's shit that i've done with this fuck of a gun, you would cry out your eyes all along" he acknowledges that he fought his hardest because he thought he'd die at war ("so raise your glass high, for tomorrow we die") and his mother would be even more terrified of him than she already is if she knew the full extent of it. the song even ends with her sobbing

spiral- drowning lessons. after the death of his lover, he is haunted by a manifestation of his guilt that takes her form and makes him relive the day over and over again ("lets say goodbye a hundredth time and then tomorrow, we'll do it again"). he desperately wants it to go away but his own mind wont leave him be ("without a sound, i wish you away" "i adore every inch of sanity, all im asking for"). a lot of things in the song also sound like hes experiencing visions of her death, twisted by his brain- describing her as a "twisted shell" and saying "these hands, stained red from all the times that ive killed you"

stranger- blood. i dont know this one just really fits to me? "well they encourage your complete cooperation, send you roses when they think you need to smile" "so give them blood, blood, gallons of the stuff, give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough" does this not give the image of like weirdly happy all the time doctors who keep doing procedures on you but you dont know like what exactly they're doing ever. also the very fun chipper tone and its contrast with the disturbing lyrics is very stranger core to me

vast- disenchanted. this one might be a stretch? after all his attempts to make life meaningful, he's left thoroughly disappointed. he realizes at the end of his life that everything has all been meaningless. he thinks life itself is overrated.

web- the jetset life is gonna kill you. this ones about drug addiction but the song portrays that as a woman who's controlling his life. "gaze into her killing jar, id sometimes stare for hours" she has him completely trapped and in the palm of her hand. "alright, she wants it all to come down this time"

very much willing to discuss any of these

[smalltalktorture]

Hi, dear! I love the way Patrick sings "I love you so much, you're just like oxygen" in Sunshine Riptide (around 2:05) because there's this little growl/drag in his voice that is just ugh. Amazing. So I'm curious: what are your favorite things about the way Patrick sings, what are the coolest, and are there any moments people don't realize are difficult to pull off / don't appreciate enough? (I know that he can hold a note like whoa, his lung capacity must be insane, but not much else.) Kisses!

i love that too!!! i also love how in Novocaine he sings “I feel like a photo that’s been overexposed” and it sounds like they overexposed the vocals, which was done post production but is STILL cool. 

in terms of things patrick does just with his voice, there are a handful that make me go “wow” to this day. in “Headfirst Slide” the low notes he sings in the first verse are actually extremely difficult to pull off vocally, especially for a tenor, which patrick is...mostly....(long story)* and to my knowledge, he did those unassisted, which is very impressive because low notes are harder than high notes to hit, especially outside your range which that verse was pushing. like, try to say something in as low a voice you can versus as high a voice you can. low is much harder and more painful and high isn’t as bad, though it doesn’t sound very good. 

*okay i’ll explain. it’s actually when patrick is pushing low notes like in “Headfirst Slide” that it’s most apparent to me. most high lyric tenors, when they attempt notes at the lower end of their range, wind up with breathy, nearly inaudible tones, whereas patrick clearly has a darker, more heavy sounding tone. that tone is the result of a technique he uses, i think. i’m not sure. but it sounds forced (not in a bad way) so you know that’s not his comfort zone, even if the notes are in his range technically. BUT all this is to mention that his ability to hit those notes with that much force leads me to believe that a)his range may be bigger than that and we’ll see more maybe or b) he’s *not* a high lyric tenor at all, and he’s more of a spinto tenor (if we’re using the operatic scale, that is). i mean, these things are all theoretical, because without me sitting his ass down and literally testing him i won’t know, but he certainly attacks low notes more like a spinto than a lyric. 

his lung capacity IS insane, and a lot of people are like “wow he can hold a note for a long time despite his asthma” but actually, he can hold a note for a long time BECAUSE of his asthma. i believe patrick has spoken about his asthma infrequently, but i remember him saying he had it as a kid as well as an adult. when you have asthma that long, you learn techniques to extend your breathing to keep supporting yourself when you’re having an asthma attack. but patrick is a singer! it certainly leads me to believe that he was able to adapt these techniques into singing, which helps him support notes longer than most other singers. it *also* lends itself to my favorite thing patrick does, which is his use of melisma. melisma is when a singer sings several notes over one syllable. he does it a LOT in “I Don’t Care” (The best of us can find happiness in *mi*sery) that’s actually not easy to do in non-classical pieces, because you have to be able to breathe through the melisma and into the rest of the word because you can’t break to breathe halfway through. choirs can do it because of scattered breathing, which is exactly what it sounds like, but solo singers rarely pull it off well and as long as patrick does. usually if a singer can do it, it’s a couple notes, but patrick regularly utilizes it over several measures. it’s impressive as hell, especially when you know how much work goes into it just to get a few notes through and here he is, five lunging it up. 

so yeah! i love his use of melisma and his approach to low notes is nonconventional and fascinating and if i could trap him with me for a few hours i would do nothing but test his voice. in a non sexual way. i’m gay. 

[entoman-created-by-the-tallgreys]

Creation Was a Punishment

Now as you can see I am bored with your existence, and you are nothing on to me I am nothing on to you, you can now see understand how little God gives a Shit about any of us

God is omniscient And just as an adult as I'm listening to everything the baby's going to do God is on this and everything your soul will ever do any lifetime every thought you ever had every feeling and however how long it will last your every action you ever take there really is no chance in life to us it seems like we're going through an experience and thinking to God it's all mathematical analytics.

God is so far beyond any of us that none of us have actually free will free will it seems free to us because we're all stupid but to God we're basically like AI to him in comparison of intelligence and I bet to a baby it believes it has free will but we know everything a baby's going to do in its entire baby life.

Keep that in mind that every lifetime you ever take God will know everything everything you ever think everything everything you're going to feel everything you're going to have happen to you God knows all about it God is there God is everywhere God is inside you God is outside of you God knows all he knows how many times you're going to die he knows all the things you're going to experience it may seem like an intense experience to you but God is beyond you got to be on me God is beyond all of us.

Nothing we do in all of this matters, Even Richest people in the world are worthless compared to God the most powerful deities in existence

. . .

Are nothing compared to God their power to us seems infinitely boundless and great but the god they're a cheap joke . . . Like a Pikachu trying to verse the sun itself . . .

We should stop praying to God because it doesn't matter it's will is already made up his own mind God has already judged all of us before anybody even came into existence before our souls even existed God is already just us and you although you're ever going to do we are so predictable to it we are like a bullet flying to the air it knows what's going to happen to us it knows every second every moment of every hour of every day it was every thought we were going to think both in our conscious and subconscious and it knows everything we're ever going to forget and everything we're ever going to learn how to make it feel and all that our entire life just as a flower is completely predictable and everything is going to do and to the point where it's boring we are is to God !

All of us are worthless all of us are meaningless all of us have no real purpose in existence all of us have no value all of this is just so confusing I wonder if God just created the divine plan just to try to keep himself and going insane just a little bit because he went so far beyond everyone else I don't know if he's suffering or just bored but when he created the universe I don't know why he did it maybe the punishment maybe he did out of sadism !

Maybe create the universe as a joke ?!

But at the end of the day I have no idea why the universe is really here but I really do not want to be swayed by anyone trying to tell me that there's a spiritual purpose of creation there was a spiritual being whom a reality but there is no spiritual purpose and there is no spiritual achievement to be gained the only enlightenment is that God does not give a Fuck !

And creation should not be taken seriously

Nor Heaven, but you should heed the warnings of Hell also known as Tartarus for it seems that God and the gods really enjoys letting people to a place to Eternal suffrage and Damnation it seems to give them demonic statistic pleasure to watch you suffer just because they're Evil

And they have all the power and all you get to do is suffer and cower

[lokiarsene]

I saw that people were sending you ShuAke songs and while I was listening to Head Over Heels by Tears For Fears I couldn't help but feel like the lyrics fit them really well. Especially Akechi and the line "It's hard to be a man when there's a gun in your hand (Nothing ever changes when you're acting your age)" Now I'm feeling a bunch of emotions about a song I already loved and... *lays down on the floor*

Yesssss more 80s goodness!

I effin loved this song already, and applying it to Akeshu analysis is gonna be great fun.

I see the song as going back and forth between being Akechi verses, and Akira’s verses to Akechi, if that makes sense?

You keep your distance with a system of touchAnd gentle persuasionI’m lost in admiration, could I need you this much?Oh, you’re wasting my timeYou’re just, just, just wasting time

That definitely sounds like an outsider’s keen perspective of what Akechi does (and it makes me think of the way he puts his hand on your shoulder when you’re dungeon crawling and unlocking treasure chests in Sae’s Palace). However, I suppose we could also say the same for Joker to the others. He is a very affectionate friend, offers his time and attention to their worries and concerns, but he remains himself somewhat of a quiet, almost closed book. And yes, I know that’s because he’s a player character whose personality you can almost fully dictate, but I think it’s worth noting that for all the trust and faith he put in his companions, he was still able to keep a secret like faking his own death from all of them. You gotta be a damn good poker face liar to do that one.

I digress.I made a fire, I’m watching it burnYeah, thought of your futureWith one foot in the past, now, just how long will it last? 

Oh this is definitely Akechi. Hell, it’s Akira too! How long can either of them hope to sustain their current lives: Akechi, wanting to punish Shido for his crimes; Akira, having to prove that he’s innocent to a society that’s already (wrongly) labeled him guilty. The weight of the latter has obviously warped Akira’s heart something fierce. It’s damaged him in a way I don’t think the game describes much, but it absolutely shows you the extent of that damage.

I think this is probably my favorite part of the song with regards to analysis:

(Nothing gets done when you feel like a baby)It’s hard to be a man when there’s a gun in your hand(Nothing ever changes when you’re acting your age)Oh, I feel so

Both boys at the time of Persona 5 are just seventeen years old. And yet they’re forced to not only act beyond their age, they’re forced to think and behave in a way that not even adults could, simply because adults have deprived them of a chance to act their age or even be free enough to have that kind of simple innocence.

But these verses bring up an interesting way to look at the frustration and fury involved in that. Replace “baby” with helpless or powerless, as that’s really what babies are: they are also fully dependent on others (re: adults) for protection and care. But as we know from Persona 5, adults cannot be relied upon to offer this to children. If anything, adults will purposefully take away safety from others, especially children.

“It’s hard to be a man when there’s a gun in your hand” makes me wanna crow with happiness, because the song so perfectly separates the idea of what having power and strength really means from a violent tool used only to hurt others. Having a gun or a weapon won’t make you inherently more powerful or capable of defending yourself–a gun doesn’t change a baby into a man. It’s the absence of that tool, the lack and the refusal to pick up something used to hurt others, that makes a boy into a man. Refusing to repeat the cycles of vicious hurt and tyranny separates those complicit with it from those defiant of it, which is why PT have such constant moral quandaries about their work. How different are they? Are they really much better?

Overall, I like that this verse doesn’t end with a certain, sure way of how the singing is feeling. It’s a cliffhanger, a suspense. We don’t know how he feels, but we can accurately guess: full of doubts, scared, confused, frustrated. All things that, well, literally everyone in their lives experiences. And all things the PT and Akechi go through to painful degrees throughout the length of P5.