#;maybe i should add some spice (headcanons; jiaoqiu)

[daybreakrising]

HEADCANONS - J.IAOQIU & LIFE AFTER H.OOLAY

because it's not just a loss of sight that he has to live with day by day-

i've been meaning to write this one up for a while, because i want to make a few things clear regarding j.iaoqiu's physical state following his encounter with h.oolay, as well as his mental and emotional state. his actions have lasting consequences for him and, whilst he certainly doesn't regret his decision, it does make things more complicated for him going forward.

BLINDNESS

now, obviously, we're all aware of this one. for now, i'm not going to make a decision regarding whether this blindness can be reversed or if it's permanent - canon may decide this, after all, and until such a time, i'm going to leave it open. however i do want to make a few things very clear regarding his eyes, namely:

his eyes are not white. they remain the same colour as they were prior to blindness. i fear pop culture has convinced many people that all blind people have white eyes, when this is in fact not true. certain conditions, infections, and diseases will alter the eye to appear cloudy gray or white, but it's not true of all blind people.

he is able to open his eyes. i saw something that said he is no longer able to open his eyes after his ordeal with h.oolay, and honestly... that is ridiculous to me. blindness does not seal your eyes shut. if people are basing this 'theory' on the fact he doesn't open his eyes when we see him post-h.oolay, then they need to rewatch the entirety of the wardance arc again, bc... this man rarely opens his eyes. it has nothing to do with him being blind.

in terms of how blind he is (bc blindness is a spectrum, like many conditions/symptoms), j.iaoqiu has complete blindness - he cannot see or detect light.

PHYSICAL CONSEQUENCES

as he suffered many injuries as well as the damage done by the tumbledust, he has several lasting conditions or complications, some of which may improve over time, some which will not:

blood circulation. this is a result of the tumbledust, and though fairly minor, he does suffer with poor blood circulation - he will experience occasional bouts of numbness or weakness in his hands and feet, and he suffers cramps in his legs if he overdoes things. he is able to treat this himself, and lessens both the frequency and the severity of the symptoms.

fatigue. many factors can be attributed to this, including the damage done to his liver and kidneys. whilst this damage was largely reversed in his recovery, he still suffers from fatigue on a regular basis (though he is often too stubborn to admit it).

coagulation disorder. tumbledust is again to blame for this - he has a reduced ability to coagulate his blood, meaning his blood doesn't clot normally. in his case, this leads to excessive bleeding, easy bruising, and joint pain.

low body temperature. it's stated that when he was found, j.iaoqiu had an "abnormally low body temperature", likely as a result of the toxins in his system. whilst it is no longer abnormally low, his natural body temperature does run a little cooler than it did before, and he gets colder more quickly than he used to.

extensive scarring. h.oolay's assault upon him is forever marred upon his skin: he has deep scars upon his chest and abdomen, smaller and shallower scars upon his arms and legs, and one side of his throat is heavily scarred from where h.oolay's teeth ripped into him. though most of these scars heal normally, his throat took the longest to heal and the scars remain an angry red stain upon his skin.

chronic pain. caused by a number of things, and not localised to any one part of his body, though he does get particularly sharp twinges around his clavicle when overdoing things, despite the fracture healing cleanly. he manages this with medicines and such of his own making (he's also stubborn about this, too.)

MENTAL & EMOTIONAL CONSEQUENCES

disorientation. in the follow-up medical report, it is stated that j.iaoqiu suffered neurological atrophy - disorientation is, therefore, one of the lasting symptoms he suffers from because of it. this is more common when he is in new or unfamiliar places, though he still sometimes has episodes of disorientation even within his own home. this, paired with his blindness, has a lasting effect on his mental state.

memory problems. this is also tied to the neurological atrophy mentioned. whilst not particularly severe, j.iaoqiu does occasionally struggle with short-term memory loss. it is fairly minor, the episodes not very frequent, and doesn't greatly impact his daily life, but he may upon occasion forget what he's doing (or going to do), or have difficulty recalling a recent conversation. he tries to hide this one as best he can.

nightmares. this one is severe - or, at least, it can be. he doesn't have nightmares every night (he is sometimes spared that trauma), but they are very frequent and they can vary in their intensity. most nights, they are manageable, but some nights he wakes in pure terror, shaking and sweating, and may need to use incense or ingest a soothing remedy to calm his mind. for short periods after the worst nightmares, he even finds himself afraid to fall asleep, which leads to-

insomnia. i've placed this in the 'mental/emotional' over 'physical' because of its cause, despite the fact that both mental and physical factors can cause insomnia. he will go through periods of insomnia mainly due to his fear of the nightmares he experiences, and to avoid that particular state of vulnerability.

PTSD / depression / anxiety. i'm throwing these three all in together because they're all tied to the same cause: everything he witnessed and experienced at h.oolay's hands. in the case of his depression and anxiety, this was mainly seen in the first few months of his recovery, during the period of time where he was learning to adjust to the changes in his abilities. he treats both with his own remedies and manages them well, though his anxiety can be triggered especially during episodes of disorientation, or when he is in unfamiliar places by himself. in the case of his PTSD... that's an ongoing treatment, but he's getting there. he's identified many of his triggers and has means of either avoiding or working through them, but it's still a work in progress.

additionally, as i've also seen this commented on elsewhere and i want to make it clear: the ban on spicy food was (thankfully) only for his period of recovery. now that his wounds are healed, he can freely consume all the spice he desires.

[daybreakrising]

HEADCANONS - J.IAOQIU & EXPRESSION

by default, j.iaoqiu's expression is carefully constructed. he wears a smile almost permanently - at least, in public. this initially began simply as a practice he employed during his early years as a healer, because he believed a smile would help set a patient at ease. then, over time, and particularly during war, the smile became a shield.

i've said before that he's someone who smiles through pain - he will rarely show his true emotions on his face, except when in the presence of trusted people. he has honed the art of the smile, so much so that only the most perceptive of people might be able to see its falsehood.

there are few occasions where he lets the smile slip, and those are always under more serious circumstances. because of this, many who know him (but not too well) may claim the healer only has two expressions: smiling, and severe.

however. those who know him very well indeed will know that there is more than one smile, and more than one way to read his expression. though it may be subtle, and therefore easily missed by those who aren't familiar with his tells, a lot of j.iaoqiu's expression can be read through his ears and tail.

something as simple as the position of his tail can differentiate between a genuine smile and a false one. even the angle of his ears is telling to anyone who has had the time to study them.

he has, of course, learned how to somewhat control both his tail and ears in order to further conceal his mood, but he will be more lax with this when he is comfortable around someone. a person he trusts is likely to see the happy tail wags; the softer, less alert ears.

[daybreakrising]

i intend to make a dedicated hc post regarding j.iaoqiu & his blindness and how that affects him, etc, but please know that he is absolutely the person who will crack jokes about his condition from the start

this is a man who has always smiled through the pain - it's how he copes. and, in part... it's also for m.oze and f.eixiao, because if he's in high spirits, if he's making jokes and remaining cheerful, then maybe they won't feel so bad (or so guilty - looking directly at you, m.oze) for everything that happened

[daybreakrising]

MOMENTS BEFORE SHADOW - A J.IAOQIU DRABBLE

i have been musing on this idea ever since i finished the 2.5 story, but i held off until i knew most people were caught up to avoid spoilers. even so, this will be tagged & the majority of it will be under a cut anyway as per my usual drabble formatting, but in case it wasn't clear: spoilers ahead. you've been warned and speaking of warnings: mentions of blood, themes of death, etc. nothing huge and/or detailed bc this is just a quick little thing, but even so.

So, then. This is how it ends.

The stone beneath him is cold – or perhaps it is simply he who is cold, despite the fire that is slowly burning him alive from the inside. He has never felt such pain in all his life. He has witnessed it, he has treated it, but experiencing it is… something else. The scent of blood is ripe and overpowering, a cloying stench thick upon the air. He can taste the tang of iron on his tongue. And yet, he has never been more at ease. That he feels this pain is only evidence that he has truly been alive. It is… comforting, almost.

Comforting, too, to know that he has succeeded. He would suffer pain like this a thousand times over if it meant he could finally help to save his general… or, at least, to help her to save herself. His blood will be the trap that ensnares Hoolay, leaving him open, vulnerable. It was a worthy sacrifice.

If he had the strength to laugh, he might. Once, he had scorned such sacrifice, despaired over the pointless loss of life he had worked tirelessly to save time and time again. What was the point, he had wondered, what was the point in saving them only to watch them die the next day? How far he has come since then, he thinks, and it is all because of her.

No… because of them.

They gave him purpose. She, who once asked if he could cure war. He, so mistrusting of doctors after endless suffering at their hands, yet so trusting of him. The broken pieces of himself that he left behind in war were too shattered to be repaired, but they forged new ones to rebuild him. He would not have had the strength to do what needed to be done without them. He can only hope that they will understand; that they can forgive him for this final act.

It will be Moze who finds him. Of this, he is certain. He always finds me. His lips part and he utters an apology to the sky above that the shadow guard will not hear, his voice little more than a rattling wheeze: he is leaving such a mess for Moze to clean up. His strength is fading, his vision clouding, darkening. Is it his consciousness departing, or the tumbledust working through him? Does it matter?

He is cold; so cold. He can no longer taste the iron on his tongue. The stench is fading. Even the pain, the endless burning in his veins, has dulled. He knows, of course, what this heralds. He is a healer. The pain is not gone, but he no longer has the capacity to feel it. His body is disconnected from his brain as it gives him a final reprieve before the end: a moment of peace, of comfort, in which to depart the world.

There is temptation there, to sink into blissful darkness, but he resists. He fixes his weakening gaze upon the world above this corner where he lies, discarded like trash once Hoolay had satiated his thirst. If these are his last moments, then he will spend them with face turned to the sun, even if he can no longer feel its warmth. He will take this memory with him, wherever he is going.

The corner of his mouth twitches into a smile. Though his world is almost nought but shadows now, he sees it: a flicker of movement, a familiar figure that darts from rooftop to rooftop with almost frenzied purpose. There is no hesitation to the path it weaves towards him. You found me, he thinks, both with relief and despair. You found me.

Moze sinks into shadows from which he will never emerge, and Jiaoqiu at last surrenders to the tempting call of oblivion.