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TAH Transcript: #25 Beyond Belief-Rosemary’s Baby Shower

No copyright infringement intended. Special thanks to the folks on the Thrilling Adventure Hour wiki!

[Can be purchased on the thrilling adventure hour patreon]  The previous episode is She Blinded Me With Seance (TAH #20).

The next episode is Love Love Me Doom (TAH #32). Read under the cut:

And now, coming to you from Hollywood Los Angeles California America it’s the nation’s favorite new time podcast in the style of old-time radio: the Thrilling Adventure Hour.

Recorded live at Largo at the Coronet in Hollywood California America; tonight’s episode Beyond Belief Rosemary’s Baby Shower. Starring Paget Brewster as that married medium Sadie Doyle. Featuring Janet Varney as Donna Henderson, Mark Gagliardi as Carlysle Ravencastle, Craig Cackowski as his Renfield and Chris Hardwick as Count Desmond Cross. Narration by Hal Lublin. Music by Andy Paley & the Andy Paley Orchestra.

SPOOKY INTRO MUSIC

Spooky Hal: And now it’s time to send the little ones to dreamland and set your radio’s dial to spooky. Bolt the doors, lock your windows, and steel yourself for mysterious suspense in this evening’s final feature: Beyond Belief.

Meet Frank and Sadie Doyle; the toast of the upper crust, headliners on the society pages and, oh yes, they see ghosts!

Frank: Who cares what evil lurks in the hearts of men?

Sadie: Unless evil’s carrying the martini tray darling.

CLINK FX

Spooky Hal: Join Sadie Doyle as she walks beyond belief in tonight’s dark episode: Rosemary’s Baby...Shower. Our story begins in the very heart of darkness: Detroit, Michigan.

Carlysle Ravencastle: Attend me minion!

Renfield: Yes Master.

Carlysle Ravencastle: As I woke upon the dusk and took to the pidge mine eyes beheld and my ears beheard portance.

Renfield: Portance, master?

Carlysle Ravencastle: An owl backwards flew. The crickets, nocturn’s metronome, performed in hosanna in the russet moonlight. If mine understanding of these omens is true then the end draws neigh.

Renfield: How master?

Carlysle Ravencastle: A child is born of unholy union. I must away eastward to enact my part in that which follows for I am Carlysle Ravencastle Dark Husband to the Midnight.

Spooky Hall: Meanwhile at an upper westside brownstone, a baby shower is soon to begin.

SFX DOORBELL

Sadie: Donna dear, Sadie’s here.

Donna: [out of breath] Sadie! You’re early!

Sadie: [oof] Well there was less traffic then anticipated darling, apparently the weather’s put people off the roads.

Donna: What weather?

Sadie: Well it’s raining frogs darling. Well more of a drizzle really.

Donna: Ha well, my point is you’re early!

Sadie: Oh Donna darling I’ve forgotten. You can’t open the door at all what with you a vampire and the sun’s still out.

Donna: Mhm. It’s unlocked Sadie.

Sadie: Then I shall let myself in. Stand back all vampires.

SFX DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

Sadie: Olly-olly-oxenfree! The door is closed the nasty ole sun won’t roll around you here no more. Let’s take a look at you.

Donna: Oh ta-dah!

Sadie: Oh Donna darling look at how pregnant you are! You’re absolutely glowing!

Donna: [scoff] Yeah, glowing as a house! Let me show you to the bar.

Sadie: Mother of the year. Tell me Donna does the baby take after you or its father?

Donna: Oh it’s a girl.

Sadie: Oh that’s wonderful!

Donna: I’ll say!

Sadie: But not what I meant. Is baby girl Henderson a werewolf like her father or a vampire like her mother?

Donna: Well she’s definitely got some werewolf in her.

Sadie: Wha- how can you tell?

Donna: Well during a full moon she kicks like a karate guy but she’s got some vampire in her too.

Sadie: So you’re drinking blood for two?

Donna: She’s a b-negative girl, just like her mommy.

Sadie: [pleasantly surprised] Well I’m b-negative!

Donna: [laughs] I know! And I’m dying for a drink.

Sadie: [chuckle] It’s the same for me darling, let me pour two martinis.

SFX DRINK POUR

Donna: Oh, no martini for me Sadie. Vampire for one and uh, “glowing” for two.

Sadie: Oh did you think I was pouring one for you Donna? No, [laughs] that’s adorable. No, I just like to clink before I drink!

SFX DRINKS CLINK

Sadie: Ooh!

SFX DOORBELL RING

Sadie: That must be the girls.

Donna: N-no I don’t think so, the sun hasn’t gone down. I don’t think you ought to answer that door Sadie.

Sadie: Tosh darling stay back.

SFX DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE

SPOOKY BACKGROUND PIANO

Carlysle Ravencastle: And who art thou, Liquor stinker of-er?

PIANO STOPS

Sadie: [groan of disgust]

Sadie: Donna was right, you are not the girls.

Carlysle Ravencastle: Far from it.

Sadie: Not so very far but sounds (?).

Carlysle Ravencastle: You would mock my voice?

Sadie: ...And your parasol.

Renfield: I shall see to your parasol master.

Sadie: Master, eh? Sadie. Waggles. Eyebrows. What’s your story, pale, bald, and pointy?

Donna: Psst. That guy’s a Nosferatu Sadie.

Sadie: Nosferatu? Wha-is that what it sounds like?

Donna: What does it sound like?

Sadie: A leftover scrabble rack played as a bluff.

Donna: What is that?

Sadie: [slowly] Nosferatu - would be a, a double word score… that’s 24 points! [chuckles]

Donna: Yeah a Nosferatu is a-sort of a vampire.

Sadie: Oh, the sort that carries a frilly parasol?

Renfield: [clears throat] The master’s parasol protects him the dread sun and it is the least frilly in his collection.

Donna: [chuckles] Typical Nosferatu.

SPOOKY BACKGROUND PIANO

Carlysle Ravencastle: I am no mere Nosferatu, I am Carlysle Ravencastle Dark Husband to the Midnight. I alone sired Dos Vampere Nosferatus of the Great Lakes region. Our teeth are the sharpest, our skin is the palest, our eyes are the blackest! The night is my domain!

PIANO STOPS

Sadie: Well, I’m Sadie Doyle; girl husband to Frank Doyle. My nose is the cutest, my glass is the emptiest, my buzz is the fading-ist, the bar is my domain.

SPOOKY BACKGROUND PIANO

Carlysle Ravencastle: Mere human! Turn not from Carlysle Ravencastle Dark Husband to the Midnight, rather,

THRALL SOUND

Carlysle Ravencastle: KNEEL BEFORE ME IN THRALL!

PIANO STOPS

Sadie: Did you-did you think of all of your name by yourself? There’s so much of it.

Donna: Hmm? Oh! Sadie all Nosfuratus have those kinds of names. There’s one in my coven’s book club goes by Maryella Unpleasant Princess of the Maelstrom. Heh. She could stop a clock, the face on that one.

Carlysle Ravencastle: How is it that you resist my thrall?

Sadie: Oh. Who me? Oh, I don’t thrall darling, not in this outfit.

Carlysle Ravencastle: You are powerless to resist!

Renfield: Yes, powerless!

Sadie: And what’s your name darling? Guy who’s its dark husband of the poor manners did not introduce you.

Carlysle Ravencastle: Do not address my Renfield.

Renfield: Do not address his me!

Sadie: Well I’m charmed Mr. Renfield.

Donna: No no his name isn’t Renfield Sadie. Renfield is, maybe industry slang for the human agent of a vampire.

Sadie: Oh.

Donna: Mhm.

Sadie: Do you have a Renfield Donna?

Donna: [scoffs] Nah they’re kinda a status thing. I-I ain’t that kind of showy.

Sadie: Hm.

Carlysle Ravencastle: Enough! Where is the child?

Sadie: What child?

SPOOKY BACKGROUND PIANO

Carlysle Ravencastle: Born of union unholy, bespoke of in auguries and foretokens, the harbinger of what is to come.

PIANO STOPS

Donna: I mean, auguries and foretokens, who is this guy?

Sadie: I-do even you understand the words coming from your gnarled little mouth?

Renfield: Master, master look! Look to her belly.

Carlysle Ravencastle: [gasp] Wait, are you pregnant?

Are you!?

Donna: As a house.

Carlysle Ravencastle: Is yours a union unholy?

Renfield: Is it?!

Donna: [offended gasp] Now if you’re asking what I think you are it’s none of your business pal!

Carlysle Ravencastle: Could it be that the harbinger is as yet born? Were the auspices untrue!?

Renfield: Were they!?

Carlysle Ravencastle: Did I misapprehend them? Crickets hosanna. Moon russet. Owl backwards...

Sadie: Owl backwards. [sarcastic] Wow! Wow wow.

SPOOKY BACKGROUND PIANO

Carlysle Ravencastle: NO MATTER! As I shall from your womb steal my prize.

Donna: [gasp]

SFX DOOR OPENING

PIANO STOPS

Count Desmond: Hold, Carlysle Ravenclaw!

Donna: Door!

Carlysle Ravencastle: [screams]

Donna: [yelling] Sun! Sun! Sun!

DOOR CLOSE SFX

Count Desmond: Sorry! Sorry sorry sorry.

Carlysle Ravencastle: And it’s Ravencastle-

[overlapping]

Renfield: Ravencastle!

Carlysle Ravencastle: Ravenclaw is a Hogwarts house.

Count Desmond: Shut up you Hufflepuff!

Sadie: Who- Who is-Who is this now with his own very pretty little black parasol?

Carlysle Ravencastle: Count Desmond Cross!

Sadie: Well if you know so much what is he doing here?

Count Desmond: Did you think you would return to my city and with impunity threaten a member of my coven?

Sadie: Me?

Count Desmond: No, not-not you. Him! You! Be silent!

THRALL NOISE

Sadie: I-I be tipsy. Clink!

SFX CLINK

Donna: Sadie this is Count Desmond Cross, the, the head of my local.

Count Desmond: Say is that a Renfield?

Carlysle Ravencastle: Gaze upon my minion Count Desmond Cross and feel your blush of envy!

Count Desmond: Wow a Renfield! I was thinking of getting one but the [quietly] payments.

Carlysle Ravencastle: You simply must.

Count Desmond: I know, it’s so expensive now. The interest alone!

Sadie: [clears throat]

Donna: [laughs]

Count Desmond: Adorable! Adorable!

Donna: So [clears throat] uh what are you doing at my baby shower Count Cross?

Count Desmond: There are omens about, portance; a crow roared like a lion! In the park, rosebushes bloomed with tulips.

Sadie: Oh oh! It drizzled frogs! Is that an omen?

Count Desmond: Maybe. But traditionally that’s more of a plague. Could be some mummy business or an ogre wedding sometimes you know...

Sadie: [laughs]

Donna: Desmond this party was supposed to be you know -ladies only-.

Count Desmond: Child my presence requires no invitation! What with your unborn being born in what’s called an unholy union.

Carlysle Ravencastle: [gasp] I knew it!

Renfield: He did.

Count Desmond: Being that you have lain with a werewolf-

Carlysle Ravencastle: Ewwwwwww.

Renfield: Ugh.

Count Desmond: I know.

Renfield: That’s gross.

Donna: I-

Renfield: That’s totally gross.

Carlysle Ravencastle: (?)

Donna: I-

Carlysle Ravencastle: How does he even?

Sadie: Dave is the darling-ist werewolf.

Donna: Oh stop.

Sadie: Darling honestly, you’d lay with him given your druthers.

Carlysle Ravencastle: I would not.

Renfield: He totally would.

Sadie: Darling, no.

Count Desmond: Now usually unholy union refers to when a prince of darkness takes a human bride but something like this happens and it’s 50/50 so you-you know, you wait on the omens which in this case are pointing to a harbinger.

SPOOKY PIANO MUSIC

Carlysle Ravencastle: And mine hands shall sculpt this ominate clay to a being of perfect destruction. I shall throw him on a potter’s wheel of innasty bastardry and fire him in a kiln of dismay! The resulting depravity vase will serve to hold the flowers that are this world and the waters that are chaos. Forever and a day!

PIANO STOPS

Count Desmond: Are you done now? This will not stand! Donna is of my coven. This baby is mine by the unholy right of dibs.

Carlysle Ravencastle: Do you think I have traveled low these many dales to arrive here to be cowed by you Desmond Cross?!

Sadie: [giggles] Dales.

Count Desmond: I-

Sadie: [laughing]

Count Desmond: I think that is just what you have done!

Carlysle Ravencastle: You! Will! Be! Cowed!

Count Desmond: Oh no sir you shall be cowed!

Carlysle Ravencastle: No

Desmond and Carlysle at the same time: you will-

[overlapping]

Count Desmond: You ought to be cowed!

Carlysle Ravencastle: you are stewing in my cow at the moment!

Count Desmond: Who’s gonna be cowed? This guy!

Carlysle Ravencastle: You are so cowed! Cowed!

Desmond Cross: Cowed!

Carlysle Ravencastle: You are rippling with cow!

Sadie: Gentlemen-

Desmond Cross: Cowed!

Carlysle Ravencastle: Cowed!

Sadie: gentlemen, please! This is a baby shower. It’s not a place for gentlemen nor fighting and especially it is no place for fighting gentlemen. Now the two of you go outside or Sadie Doyle shall roll up her sleevies.

Carlysle Ravencastle: None command Carlysle Ravencastle Dark Husband to the Midnight. We shall duel for dominance over this child to be.

Sadie: You and I.

Carlysle Ravencastle: No! I shan’t fight a woman.

Sadie: [chicken noises]

Count Desmond: Shall we duel by proxy Carlysle Ravencastle?

Carlysle Ravencastle: (?) Coward.

Count Desmond: And with what pawns do you suggest we duel? Demons? Raves!? Don’t say c.h.u.d.s it sounds like a much better fight then it actually is.

Carlysle Ravencastle: I invoke the right of Orna Thou.

Donna: [gasp]

Renfield & Donna: Oooo.

Count Desmond: Really? [chuckles] Orna Thou?

Sadie: Wha-wha-what did he do now?

Donna: Usually when vampires duel by proxy they summon a demon but by vampire law if you invoke the right of Orna Thou before a duel it means they gotta use a proxy that’s right here in the room.

Sadie: Vampire law...I would not watch that show.

Carlysle Ravencastle: I shall duel via my Renfield.

Renfield: Master?

Carlysle Ravencastle: Silence!

Renfield: Yes master.

Count Desmond: Uh, I guess I’ll take the boozy sass-mouth.

Donna: Me?

Sadie: No. No. Choose again.

Count Desmond: No? There is no no when there is THRALL!

THRALL NOISE

Sadie: Oh. Well then, I have an ever so good idea.

Count Desmond: What is this now?

Carlysle Ravencastle: She won’t thrall. I tried earlier and-

Count Desmond: That is the darn-dest thing.

Carlysle Ravencastle: I know quite!

Count Desmond: Thrall must be rusty.

Sadie: Donna, darling, dear. On the topic of thrall and on the heels of my promise to roll up my sleevies-

Donna: Mhm.

Sadie: what do you think of the following? [whispers]

Donna: Oh! Oh! And then and then [whispers]

Sadie: Oh yes yes! But only if I [whispers]

Donna: Okay! Okay! Let me see. Hey fogleroy! I got some thrall for you right here!

THRALL NOISE

SPOOKY PIANO MUSIC

Carlysle Ravencastle & his Renfield: [giggling]

Carlysle Ravencastle: You dare try to thrall Carylse Ravencastle Dark Husband to the Midnight!? I place you in thrall!

Donna: [yells] You better not!

Carlysle Ravencastle: Ooo! You are strong.

Donna: I am pregnant! And you come in here with a frilly parasol, a-a human accessory and way too much eye make-up trying to steal my baby? I will show you some thrall mister!

THRALL NOISE

Carlysle Ravencastle: I shall show you some thrall!

Donna: Thrall!

Carlysle Ravencastle: Thrall!

[overlapping]

Sadie: Donna! Thrall!

Renfield: Go Master go!

Sadie: Thrall! Thrall!

Donna: [strained grunt]

Renfield: Thrall her! Thrall her!

Donna: [whimper]

Renfield: You got this one Master!

Count Desmond: This is highly irregular, I mean this battle isn’t even proxy! Perhaps I should help her. I’ve got some thrall right here!

Donna: And don’t you dare help me!

Count Desmond: [monotone] Yes mistress.

Sadie: Oo! Donna you thralled the Count! Heh.

Donna: Yeah, did I?

Sadie: [monotone] Yes mistress. Oo oh Donna oh you thralled me.

Donna: [surprised gasp]

Sadie: And I was simply previously unthrallable!

Donna: [excited laughter] It’s probably these hormones! I- did I-, did I thrall the guy I was trying to thrall in the first place? I-

Carlysle Ravencastle: [monotone] Yes Mistress.

Donna & Sadie: [sigh of relief]

Donna: Good. Good. Now-now get your pasty husband of the midnight keister the heck outta my house!

Carlysle Ravencastle: Yes Mistress. -Wait what am I doing!? I’ve never been enthralled nor shall I remain-

Donna: [cuts him off] Less lip over there!

THRALL NOISE

Carlysle Ravencastle: [monotone] Yes mistress. I’ll just take my parasol and go.

Donna: No no no no no. Leave the parasol buster!

Carlysle Ravencastle: But it is the daytime...

Donna: [chuckles] Yup! Enjoy it.

Renfield: Masters, huh?

SPOOKY PIANO MUSIC

DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE SFX

EXPLOSION SFX

Carlysle Ravencastle: [SCREAMS]

Sadie: A dramatic end to a dramatic fellow Mistress.

Donna: Oh! Oh gosh, uh. Sadie, I remove you from my thrall.

Count Desmond: And me? I wouldn’t mind not being in thrall if that would be cool with you.

Donna: Eh.

Count Desmond: Fair.

Sadie: [sigh of relief] Oh good. Oh darling thank you. I think I’ll have a drink. Oh who am I kidding? I know I’ll have one. [laughs]

Donna: You know I think I’ll join you.

Sadie: Donna dear, glowing.

Donna: Oh that wasn’t the kind of drink I meant. Come here Renfield.

Renfield: Me?

Donna: You as b-negative as you look?

Renfield: Please don’t make me your drink.

Sadie: Clink!

SFX BOTTLE SMASHING

Renfield: Oh please please don’t toast against my forehead.

Sadie: Oh. Too late! [laughs]

SPOOKY PIANO MUSIC

Spooky Hal: A happy birthday after all for the arrant child as Donna Henderson proves a mother’s love conquers even the gravest foes.

WORKJUICE INSTRUMENTAL

Brian Stack: This has been the Thrilling Adventure Hour Podcast. If you like what you’ve heard please leave a comment on Itunes. The Thrilling Adventure Hour is written by Ben Acker and Ben Blacker and directed by Aaron Ginsberg. Special thanks to Joel Spence, Barre Duryea, Jesse Honig and me Brian Stack. For show dates, photos and more information visit ThrillingAdventureHour.com. From the oral tradition to the aural tradition, one of the many fine distinctions available from the Thrilling Adventure Hour.

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