#; highschccldropout / 002

[waywardfeathered]

                                                                      @highschccldropout          ↷

     ❝ It doesn’t matter, Dean. ❞    What Castiel means is: I don’t matter, Dean. He regrets ever opening his mouth about it ---- they are all grieving, and he doesn’t need to add his own mess of a broken heart into the mixture. Not as a burden to Dean, not as a burden to himself. You’re dead to me. There are some things you can’t take back, after saying them; there are lines spoken that change relationships, never mind whether they were meant or not.

          You’re dead to me.

          So a part of Castiel remains dead. It’s not easy to bring himself back to life after losing their son, either. It doesn’t help that Dean, even if he changed his mind before it was too late, was ready to kill Jack.

     Castiel doesn’t bother to hide the anguish from his eyes, just stares past Dean, unmoving, unblinking, unfeeling.     ❝ It’s fine. I will continue doing what I can to help you and Sam. You know where to find me when you NEED me. ❞

[exblccdjunkie]

"I said I love you."

Sam freezes. Did he hear that right? They NEVER say those words, like ever. They barely even hug. A lifetime of repressed emotions will do that to you. But Dean is staring at him with such a genuine and vulnerable look in his eyes that Sam knows he heard correctly. He stares at his brother speechless for a few moments, his mouth agape.

“Um, what?” Is all he finally manages to croak out, no longer able to meet his brother’s eyes.

[nichtsehen]

LITTLE CHARACTER THINGS.

just a fun little character game. fill in the below categories with 3-5 things that your character can be identified by. repost & tag away !

EMOTIONS / FEELINGS:

001. melancholy 002. cunning 003. frustration 004. joy  005. love

GREETINGS:

001. “Hey.” 002.  “Sup.” 003.  “Word.” 004. “Dammit, (name).”   005. “I missed you.”  

COLORS:

001. crimson smoke 002. steel  003. the green of sunlight through leaves 004. the gray of stormy seas 005. the dusty brown of beaten paths

SCENTS:

001. the deep forest 002. dirt and blood caked on skin 003. sweat 004. green tea 005. sharpened steel

CLOTHING:

001.  a dark hooded military trench 002. aviator goggles 003. a dust mask adorned with protective sigils 004. leather gauntlets that hold 14-inch syringes smelted from silver and angel blades, capable            of extracting demon souls and Grace alike 005. anything from the Winchester hall of fame of androgynous American midwestern flannels

OBJECTS:

001.  repurposed angel blades 002. A shotgun 003.  A bow and arrow  004.  A campfire 005.  A hunting knife

VICES / BAD HABITS:

001. incredibly stubborn 002. throws herself into danger 003. quite literally hides from her problems out in the woods 004. overloads on the chemical compound that fuels her abilities when she feels like she isn’t              strong enough 005. Goes against her loved ones’ wishes if she thinks her idea is better for their wellbeing

BODY LANGUAGE:

001. Hunkered shoulders 002. Either moves silently or walks like The Winter Soldier on a mission 003. raised eyebrow 004. knees drawn in 005. resting bitch face

AESTHETICS:

001. a rusted gun 002. an abandoned warehouse reclaimed by nature 003. upbeat 50s music in an apocalyptic wasteland 004. dirtied hands clasped in battle 005. hair billowing underwater

SONGS:

001. Come With Me Now / Kongos  002. Blood on my Name / the Brothers Bright 003. Jingle Jangle Jingle / Kay Kyser 004. Stay With Me / Sam Smith 005. Psychological Recovery / the Sherlock Holmes soundtrack (particularly 8:31 - 9:12)

tagged by: @mindofcolcrs

tagging: @poisonwhiskey (hi this is wichi) @illusivexemissary @captain-outoftime @noditchablepromdate @highschccldropout @mxcreed

[waywardfeathered]

highschccldropout‌       ☾      dean.

Like someone has reached inside of him and pulled the stopper, Dean feels all of the fight drain out of him in a sudden, aching breath. He can handle Cas yelling at him. He’d agree if the angel told him he hated him. He wishes someone would just make him pay, so he can stop trying to do it himself. 

He sinks to the ground, not even bothering to wince when his knees hit, resting back on his heels. The tears are burning in his eyes now, and he can barely see that Cas is crying, too. Anger would be so much better than this. “I just want our family back.” He gasps. “I want him back. But I don’t…I don’t deserve to miss him.” He shakes his head “I was ready to kill him, Cas. What kind of father does that? What kind of monster?”

He looks back up at Cas. At the hollow way he echoes Dean’s words. “Is it so bad to have me need you? I know I ask too much. I know I don’t deserve…” The angel is so blank, so empty. It’s terrifying. Like that night in the crypt. “I’ll stop saying it, just please.” Here Dean is again, on his knees in front of Cas, begging to be heard through the fog. “Please, I can’t lose you too.”

     He wants to tell Dean everything the human wants him to tell him. Wants to tell him it’s OK. That he understands. That he deserves to grieve Jack, that everything he did and said was not who he really is, that all is forgiven, please stop crying (he doesn’t know if he’s pleading Dean or himself), everything is fine----

          It’s not fine.

               It’s not FAIR; that Castiel needs to be the one to push his heartbreak aside to be there for Dean. It’s not fair; he should be entitled to his emotions, as well.

                    He can’t do this anymore.

                    ❝ Dean, this is not about you. ❞

                    (But everything is always about the human he fell for; everything.)

                    ❝ Jack is dead! Will you PLEASE let me grieve him? ❞    It sounds harsh; but that’s what he feels, now: that he doesn’t have the space to be broken. He never does. He’s in pieces, but what does that matter, when Dean Winchester NEEDS HIM?

                    Can’t you just want me for once? Just want me.

               Cas covers his eyes with a hand. And now? Now he’s hurting Dean.

          I always come when you call.

     ❝ I’m sorry, Dean, ❞    he says, the fight out of him, shoulders physically slumping.    ❝ You’re not ---- going to lose me. I’m not going anywhere, I just... I just can’t. I’m tired, Dean. I’m... so tired. ❞

[waywardfeathered]

highschccldropout‌        ☾        dean.

The way Cas is looking at him; looking past him, looking through him, sends chills down Dean’s spine. He can feel it in the air between them. Something is broken, and the shards are carving them both into pieces. “Of course it matters.” He snaps, and he doesn’t mean to sound so harsh, but he’s angry, he’s so damn angry, and Cas keeps letting the blows land, for some reason.

“C’mon, Cas. Yell at me. Tell me I’m an idiot, an asshole, tell me it’s my fault Jack’s dead and you’ll never forgive me. Just say something!” His voice is coarse and broken, but it doesn’t matter. He just wishes Cas would for once hit back. Then maybe Dean wouldn’t hate himself so much, if he finally got what he deserved. 

“This,” he gestures between them, trying to encompass Cas’ quiet resolution, the emptiness of his eyes and voice, “is not what I need. I need you. Remember that? I need you, Cas. Tell me I screwed up.” Something crumbles in Dean, and suddenly there are tears in his eyes, and his voice dies down to a whisper. “Tell me how to fix it.”

     But it doesn’t. If he matters, why does he keep losing everything?

          Cas can’t keep up the blank. The empty. He lowers his eyes, silent tears falling down only seconds after seeing Dean’s. Again, he doesn’t bother to hide them. Just sits there. Crying. For Jack. For Dean.

               For himself.

               ❝ I know. You need me. ❞    Words come out as barely audible, his voice steady despite the emotion. Dean needs him. Never wants him. Needs him. Is it so damn selfish of him, for once in his life, to desire to be wanted, not needed?     ❝ What happened to Jack wasn’t your fault, Dean, ❞ he continues, with the same barely-there tone.    ❝ You lost him, too. ❞

               Silence.

          Still, tears.

     ❝ You can’t fix it. ❞    Why do you care about fixing us? I don’t matter. Find someone who is a better... who is better for you.    ❝ I’m not going to fight you, Dean. ❞    He’s been angry; he’s too exhausted to be angry, anymore.