#:/ idk man. the character parts were good but the message is nonexistent bc they didn’t want to do the one thing political movies should do

[un-pearable]

Civil War (2024) is a mechanically good film but the commitment to not stoking real world political tensions in a movie about the potential consequences of those tensions leaves a gaping hole in its worldbuilding and reduces its impact to just. a series of melodramatic images of “what if the bad war happened here”. completely declawing any potential impact it could have had for the sake of not being controversial

[harahmed]

I’ve thought a lot about why I prefer to type things on here and post them vs just writing about them in a google or word document and keeping it personal and safe. Back in HS it was a way to communicate the thoughts and emotions that confused me and angered me to my friends as well as the therapeutic aspect of it. Now I think there’s something symbolic about posting it as kind of a way to send off all these emotions that are bottled up inside of me. Sometimes I’ll encounter people that say what’s the point of talking about it if it won’t change anything, but now that I think about it I don’t think the people in my life that say that actually feel that way. For the things that they just keep to themselves and say “there’s no point in talking about it” it’s just easier to do that than to have to face the anxieties and issues in your life that you may not have the ability to change; like getting fired from a job or other difficult situations that seem out of your control. For the things they can change, it’s also so anxiety inducing to talk about them if you’re struggling with making the change. Making a change is like the goal of gambling...you can accept there will be ups and downs but your main goal is for an upward slope of net winnings over time. Sometimes though when trying to make a change it feels like you’re just nose diving downwards and in those cases talking about it just feels like a reminder of your inadequacy. I think this is one of those things that everybody deep down knows and just saying they don’t want to talk about it because it won’t change anything is just a translation of I’m exhausted from it and don’t want to confront it right now or maybe even anytime soon. My go to is you know even if it doesn’t change anything talking about it will help. I’m realizing through typing this that’s probably not good advice and i have to try to pay more attention to the context of the situation before i say that. Maybe I do already though and don’t realize it. Next time someone says that to me I’ll have to just ask first if they’ve talked about it with anyone else. Knowing first hand how exhausting it is to talk about something you feel powerless over maybe I should stop trying to push for people to talk to me specifically. I always felt like I could give advice that the average person would not give in a lot of different situations but maybe I’m just giving myself too much credit. It’s disheartening to not be sure about where I stand in this...if I’m someone that people appreciate trying to give them a nudge to talk about the things they don’t want to or if it’s overbearing and results in them avoiding talking to me about these issues. I guess that’s what I get for being a skipping rock over the lake of life. Not delving into the depths of it results in this i guess. When you finally start thinking about it you’re just so unsure because of the lack of reflection it feels like there’s nothing to ground you. I think what my lifecoach would say here is to remind myself of my identity and work from there. idk though i’m having doubts. reminding myself of my identity won’t translate to people understanding my intentions and even if i have good intentions I can’t force someone to understand that. Everytime I try it just makes the situation 100x worse.

It’s hard to keep others perspectives in mind on a day to day basis. Sometimes no matter how hard I try I just cannot see from another side. Most times though I don’t even realize that I should be thinking about others perspective because I’m so wound up in my own. I could say i will try to be more cognizant of it but I’ve said that a million times in the past couple of years with no plan to change...then it just falls in the back of my mind until another shitty situation comes up that reminds me that this is an issue I’ve had and have been aware of that went unresolved and resulted in this shit situation and it just keeps happening. how do people even change while trying to keep up with life...I feel like I barely changed after putting my life on hold for over a year. change is so slow it’s discouraging. I’m sure everyone feels that way but it doesn’t make it any better lol. feels like these thoughts i’m having are thoughts I should’ve had five years ago. Better late than never doesn’t make me feel any better either.

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My whole life I’ve found myself caring too much about the most random things that would cause me to argue with people until I push them away because I’m so stubborn and relentless.

I don’t understand how after the points I made you still feel the same way. To me it felt like what it probably feels like to you when i’m stubborn about something. I was stubborn in this case too but it’s because i care about m and talked to her in that 1 year more than I’ve ever talked to anyone else in my life. she’s important to me and I know her intentions are always good even though you don’t see that even after i tried to explain it over and over it just got stale. I feel like it’s silly to decide what someone’s character is because of something so minuscule in the grand scheme of what makes up a whole ass being. just because you wouldn’t do it doesn’t make it wrong and doesn’t mean there’s betrayal. everyone has the right to do that because itw ould be impossible to not judge people based off of tiny actions but it bothers me so much. I get that it’s because you care about your friend and I care about mine too but I feel responsible for silently ruining a friendship through speaking to you about anything and I regret it so much because it feels you completely contorted the mood behind what was said and it had an everlasting effect on a friendship that lasted longer than we’ve both known each other. something that was meant to be lighthearted and funny was taken so literally and seriously because your defensive about your friend. IDK how else to say the message and the words we made fun of were too mutually exclusive things. it’s like every other time I’ve told you that was supposed to be light hearted or funny and you just get so mad over it. I know it would be silly to blame you for that it just feels like inadequacy on my part for not thinking about how you would react to these things before I say them in the tone I do. everytime i say this shit in a joking tone I feel like it makesyou even madder for belittling the situation that you take so seriously and it makes me not want to tell you things but i also know that’s not a solution either and will just push you away but idk how to handle this. I wish i never told you. it’s so frustrating man. idt you feel any guilt about it because you probably think it’s for a’s best interest but i disagree with you whole heartedly which is why I feel even more strongly about it because through you this friendship was eroded to probably at this point nonexistence. you still won’t get that these were too separate things. I haven’t felt you were straightup wrong in a very long time but i feel that with this. you took something the wrong way then transferred that already incorrect thinking to fuck another relationshp up. i know it was for her best interest in your eyes but i feel like after the context I gave it should’ve opened your eyes a bit more but you just double down on your thinking and it’s frustrating. a taste of my own medicine i guess lol. based on your logic making fun of a word in a message doesn’t constitute bad character..especially when like a said 5 times she called me out for what i said. like what more would you want someone to do in that situation lol. finding humor in emotionally charged situations is a main *mature* coping mechanism in psychology. that’s steering a little too far away from the point though i guess. making fun of an unconventional word someone uses in an emotionally charged message doesn’t translate to making fun of the person or the message. even if it’s not completely independent things that doesn’t mean the satire was malicious or with bad intentions. why would you expect her to think about what she’s saying as deeply as you did when it’s just an everyday conversation lol. ‘i just feel she’s a shitty person for doing that’ when she probably never even thought about the joke again. you can say she could’ve looked at it through anita’s eyes but it’s so fucking hard to do that at baseline I literally struggle with it every day but when this one person does it this one time with a situation that MOST people would probably not think to think that way....to you it’s just black and white she’s a shitty person with bad character. I knw you know that’s not true so why are you being so stubborn about it. i feel like another reaosn you don’t like her is because she was there for me during that time you were really struggling in and thought i wasn’t but like take that out on me not on her. it feels like you are just so much less understanding to any girl in my life and way too understanding with me. I wish it would just balance out a bit more but you’re not a robot. i don’ tknow i’m just upset with how you see this person that’s important to me and that i care about and it ruined a friendship that it shouldn’t have. if i didn’t tell you that one joke things would still be good between them and it’s over something so stupid. i get to you it’s not stupid but take into consideration the context of the conversation at the time not how you want her to feel about it given what you know bc she knew prob 5% of the details you know about our situation so if you should be mad at anyone it’s me not her.

it’s frustrating that anytime i face some sort of emotional adversity i just want to drop everything do nothing and just be left alone. i’ve had the luxury of doing it in the past year with my year off but i have a feeling it’s gonna make it a harder habit to kick. i just wanna sleep and play video games and take my mind off of all of this.