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dialovers-hell · 6 years ago

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Laito x Reader ; A Painful Past

Sorry but tumblr was being glitchy and completely messed up the layout for my latest post so I decided to delete and repost it, hopefully this works!

anonymous asked:

laito react to his ex- telling that they had a son, that want to meet him but she don't want that happen because she don't want him to disappoint himself with the father, because she thinks Laito is irresponsable and it's not a good influence for his baby? And the others brothers discovery that they have a nephew? (sorry the bad english)

OK I'm not sure if i completely grasped all of that that, but i'll try my best!! Also i put this under read more because it is a PRETTY long scenario so you might when to get a snack and a drink but i hope you all enjoy <3

You noticed yourself picking at the skin around your fingers, you were nervous. Extremely nervous. It's not every day that you arrange a meeting with an ex to tell them to stay away from his son that he didn't even know existed, but things were getting out of hand back home. Your son had just entered high school and was desperate to meet with his father no matter how many times you've tried to explain that all it would do is bring heartbreak and pain... just like it did in the past. But he wasn't willing to listen, and you were worried that he might try finding his father himself so this was the only option you had left. So now here you were, sitting on a park bench alone, waiting to address the source of the problem himself, Laito Sakamaki.

It was actually a bright afternoon, but your grim thoughts quickly dampened the atmosphere as you recalled the last moments you spent with your once beloved boyfriend

"How could you do this to me? And with that blonde bimbo too!! I thought what we had was real Laito, I thought that you had finally moved on from this juvenile fuckboy phase, but clearly, I was mistaken." You scream as the tears cascaded down your flushed cheeks.

"Y/n please, no, it was a mistake... I'm not even sure why I did it in the first place! I was drunk. Desperate! You were gone, and I was so lonely, all I craved was warmth, and she gave it to me when you couldn't. That's all. It meant nothing to me. You have to forgive me, you're the only person I've ever loved. I can't live without you by my side.." the redhead exclaims.

But you were not going to let him get the best of you; not this time. You barely get a chance to catch your breath when a burst of fury comes rushing out of your mouth... "You never have and never will be capable of truly loving someone! The only thing you are capable of loving is yourself you selfish prick! Don't you dare even try to deny it because we all know that you've done it way too many times for it to just be a mistake. When are you going to finally grow up and be responsible for once in your life?!"

The room was filled with silence as he painstakingly processed the mental breakdown he had just witnessed before him.

"What? No witty remark? No endless list of excuses this time? Wow. I cannot believe that for once in his life, THE Laito Sakamaki is speechless... Well you know what, save your breath because I'm sick of your excuses." Your shaky hands then began to practically move on their own, frantically shoving as many pieces of clothing into your suitcase as you humanly could. You started making your way to the door, your footsteps leaving a trail of flames.

He finally snapped out of his trance watching you leave in such a hurried state and timidly called out to ask where you were going.

"Where do you think I'm going?" You snapped back. "As of right now, my only goal in life is to be as far away from you as possible."

You were momentarily swayed by the look of genuine hurt in his eyes when you said that but quickly shook it off. All you could think of was making the pain stop so if leaving forever was the only way to do so, then so be it.

"Don't.." he pleaded, "please... don't go."

The words "just keep walking" kept repeating over and over again in your head until it turned into a chant, fueling your legs as you dragged yourself to the exit. You hesitated for a moment when you heard a broken voice peep out from behind you.

"You'll never be able to live without me, I know you'll come running back eventually. You love me, and you know it so please save us the time and just stay... Why do you always have to make things so difficult?"

And that was it. That was the very last straw because the second he uttered those words, you bolted out the door. Not once turning around.

You chuckled at the irony. That was supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life cause what he didn't know was that while you were out of town visiting family, your "stomach virus" started to become a little suspicious so after dragging yourself to the hospital, you had found out that you were pregnant.

You were supposed to tell him the second you came back, but that never happened. You didn't even get the chance to because due to your decision to go back a day early out of pure excitement, you were met with blonde locks sticking out of the duvet on your side of the bed and the only thing you could remember seeing from that point on was red.

"Y/n?"

A voice pulled you out of your trance and you were met with those emerald eyes that you never expected to see again.

"Laito, we need to talk."

"I know that I read your message.. how are you?"

"I'm fine, but we really don't have time for chit chat right now, this is urgent."

"My my y/n, even after all these years you're still rushing through everything, we have all the time in the world to talk, so a little catching up isn't a big deal. I've missed you... And what could be so important anywa-"

"You have a son."

His jaw dropped to the floor. A son?! How could this have been possible, the two of you were always safe! ...most of the time. This was unbelievable. His head was spinning, and you could tell that he was in a state of shock, so you firmly grabbed him by the arm and forced him to sit down.

"A-a-a-a A son?" he sputtered, still not grasping the information you had just told him.

"Yes Laito, a son." You repeated coolly.

"This is... This is amazing! I can't believe we have a son! How old is he now? What school does he go to? Does he have my hair? What about his eyes? I hope he has your soft, gentle eyes rather than my aggressive green ones. What's he like? When will I get to meet him-" You cut him off right there. You had gone through multiple scenarios of his reaction in your head, but excited definitely wasn't one of them.

"Laito... you aren't going to meet him. That's actually what I came here to talk about."

"What do you mean?" He stared back at you with a puzzled look on his face. "I'm his father, I have to meet him."

"No, you don't." You interject. "See, you're still as selfish as always.."

"What do you mean selfish? Y/n I have as much a right to be there for him as you do!"

"But that's the thing! You weren't there for him, and I was. I was there for his first words, his first steps, his first heartbreak, his first EVERYTHING. But then here you go trying to swoop in last second as if nothing ever happened. YOU made ME leave remember? All I want from you is to avoid my son at all costs; I don't care what you have to do but just leave him be. If he ever gets in contact with you, don't you dare reply. You don't deserve to. Not after all of that shit you've already put me through" The raw emotions were just pouring out of you, leaving you shaking and breathless. All this built up frustration was coming out all at once, and there was nothing you could do to stop it.

"Please, just hear me ou-" Once more, you cut him off, not caring for what he had to say. The scars he had engraved in you were far too deep to ignore, and you were going to make sure that he knew that.

"I don't need to hear you out! Don't you realize what kind of influence you would be in his life? Judging by your past behavior, it clearly wouldn't be a good one!" You forced yourself to take a deep breath, "I am just trying to protect him, and if you care at all for him, you'll stay away. Understood?"

After minutes of silence has passed, Laito finally decides to speak up.

"I know that I haven't been the best person throughout my life, hell, I even ruined my only chance of happiness which was you. I understand that you're trying to do your job as a mother, but there's nothing to protect him from. You have to believe me. After you left, I was in ruins. Nothing seemed to spark joy in me anymore. No matter how many clubs or parties I would go to, the image of you just wouldn't get out of my head. It was unbearable, and no drug or drink was able to numb the pain. But I'm trying to become a better person. For you. All these years, the only reason that I've been working on myself was for you. I even gave up drinking. Just so I would one day be able to pluck up the courage and finally return to you as a changed man. The man you deserve." By the end of his rant, he was panting. You've never seen him look so...broken.

Your cheeks felt damp, you hadn't even realized that you started crying. Your sleeve was quickly brought up to your face to wipe away any signs of emotion, but by then it was too late. There wasn't any point in trying to hide the tears anymore. The walls you had worked so hard to build up came crumbling down in a matter of seconds.

"Why?" you choked out, "why now? How come you didn't tell me about any of this earlier. The last time I saw you, you were a lost cause who seemed to expect that I wouldn't be able to live without him. So why after all these years are you finally trying to fix us? You haven't even tried to contact me after that night. You didn't even try. Why didn't you fight for me? Was I not worth it at the time?" By that point, all of the strength had left your body, and you were a blubbering mess. It was almost as if no time had passed since that fight and you were back to being the naive, innocent little girl you once were.

He sighs before taking a step towards you and caressing your cheek with his thumb. "Trust me y/n, if I could have met with you sooner, I would have. But after what I did to you, I knew that I was going to a dark place and the last thing I wanted to do was drag you down with me. I didn't deserve you back then. But I promise you I've changed. And I won't stop changing until I've become good enough for both you and my son. All I want is for us to be happy together. That's all I've ever wanted, but apparently, I couldn't let go of my pride. Not anymore though. Please y/n, just give me one more chance.”

You were so confused, but honestly, you didn't care. He was saying all of the words that you've wanted to hear, but for once, you actually think that he meant them. It wasn't going to be easy, but you decided that it was worth a shot. For the sake of your only child, you were going to let his father try to insert himself into the picture. Fixing your relationship with Laito might take some time, but that didn't matter. All you cared about was the fact that you were finally back in his arms, so after a deep breath you were finally able to push your anger aside and say "okay."

#Diabolik Lovers #diabolik #lovers #Laito Sakamaki #Laito x Reader #Sakamaki

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lunamanar · 8 years ago

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#I Needed This

#So...I’m gonna do one of my weird things. This isn’t really to do with FFVIII, but...I feel like I owe people this. Because I’ve been watching this silly little writing power build and build and snowball, and...it just seems...so counter to the situation of the people I seem to be reaching, that I can’t just let it sit there and rack up “points” in the form of notes without taking a moment (well, a few hours at this point, but I had the time, and this is what I decided to do with it) to at least acknowledge the response. I’ve received messages from people, a flood of kind comments and tags, I’ve watched people reach out to one another to support them in their writing endeavors. Most of it has been outside this fandom, so...I apologize ahead of time if this is somewhat off-topic.

I really don’t know how to begin talking about this, because I’m terrified it’s going to sound like I’m trying to call as much selfish attention as possible to a viral post I made by total accident. That’s not what I want to do at all, here, and please believe me when I say that I don’t think I did anything to deserve thousands of notes on what amounts to a “top ten” post of personal writing philosophies. When I posted it, I thought it might be helpful to a few very specific people in my immediate fandom circle. I never thought it would escape that circle, much less become the...giant ball of positivity that it has. Not that I’m complaining! I’m so beyond floored that it reached as far as it has, I don’t even know what to feel about it, anymore. I certainly don’t feel like I wrote anything brilliant. More than anything, I’m just...puzzled. And flattered, by how many people have been leaving kind tags and notes for me.

The other thing that I feel about it, though, is...sadness. Sadness that so many people feel such anxiety over their writing abilities. So many personal things have been said on this post, by total strangers, about their struggles with anxiety, depression, trauma, alienation and isolation when it comes to their writing. Some people write thousands of words and post them with bated breath, only to be met with a few hits and no comments. Some people are so certain that they have nothing of value to add that they can’t even bring themselves to start. Some think they’re too old to start now, that all their peers of the same age are so far “ahead” of them, they’ll never have any hope of “catching up.” Some are embarrassed to be writing at all, then they’re unemployed and feel like they should be looking for a “real” job instead of indulging in hobbies. There are so many hundreds of ways writer’s block and blues affects people, and the reality of it is, well...I wish they would all go through the hundreds, even thousands of tags and replies simply so they could see how not alone they are in their struggles. Maybe they could even find other people who would be up to being their reading partner, so they could have someone to trade stories with. So many people posting to a void, and it’s hard to see that it should have to be that way.

So...I mean, I don’t know what this will do, if it will do anything. This makes me feel nervous in itself, actually, because I’m not only reaching out to strangers, I’m going to be tagging people who aren’t even a part of the pleasant little community that is FFVIII. A lot of them. And maybe I’ll screw up...maybe I’ll tag someone who doesn’t want the exposure. I tried to comb through bios and take out anyone who explicitly said they were selective about who they talked to. If I tag you here, and you want me to delete your name, please send me a message and I will do so as soon as I see the request.

But at the very least...I do want everyone I ping in this post to know that someone--me, at least--saw their response, and felt it, too. I want their stories to be written and I want them to find the audience who enjoys those stories. I’m here saying, “hey, I see you. I give a shit.” Even if I don’t know anything about whatever fandom you’re in, or if you’re writing a completely original story, or whatever...it’s important. There is nothing more tragic to me than a story aching to be shared that never sees the light of day.

I also want to acknowledge some potential mistakes I may have made in writing that post (and this one). Few people had anything bad to say about it--and thank you all, for such tolerance of my rambles--but I am certainly not perfect, and I want to try to improve my communication where I can so I do ever less harm.

...I guess I’ll start, then.

Tumblr is chock full of “don’ts” when it comes to writing, and it’s my opinion that there’s just not enough love out there for the simple act of writing, itself a massive investment of time, energy and brain cells. Not every piece you write will be a success, but there is much to be said for the energy it takes to carry a story in your head, let alone take that and translate it into words so others can share the meaning it holds for you.

So, take a look at this. I posted that list sometime in...October 2016? I think? And in 7 months, 11,000 people either liked or reblogged it, and most people who reblogged it left a tag or two. By far, besides your generic “writing” or “writing advice,” the most common tag of note was this:

#I Needed This

...or something to that effect. I tried to find and count as many as I could. And I really want people to see just how many accounts out there who just happened to see a single writing tips list felt that they needed the encouragement. And those were the ones who were able to work up the nerve to say so in the comments or tags. I’m sure many more were too shy (and that’s OK).

@finduilasnumenesse @amid-a-lightless-place @phan-band-fandoms @powerfulweak @kayteonline @anotherwinchesterfangirl @blue-phoenix-tears @requiemforthewolves @indi-flying-with-dragons @puppytoast @bxanxgtan @mcfuzzy20 @hexthespectre @purple-and-red-ribbons @fromotterspace @burn-it-slow @tehartmonkee @dutifullymadameashley @killiandameron @captainpoopweinersoldier @artlessictoan @purrtlepuff @chocolatebunnycake @argent-gale @nothingtoleave @nightmare-fantasia @midniallsnack @andromedas-daughter @my-write-mind @different-principles @tangeythetangerine @c-e-gold @random-alefiasolar @ellebeedarling @droid-to-the-world @xpress--urself @closeonmarksnosedive @thinkblueandr3d @novemblu @leopoldfitz @tonks42 @seraphim-of-the-finale @dragonshost-fanfiction @poketin @ofcoursetheymind @author-of-sins @peetaspikelets @officialao3fandomlastforever @randomfangirllaughs @thereddestglass @gaybirdkid @sailorgreywolf @strangesorceries @thecorruptedquietone @melifair @ganbareno @peanutbutterflutist @bi-antagonist @preciousgaby @atomicpen @mariamagica @comebacknow @reconfemmandoforares @happiestastronaut @marmaladephan @ayumichan46 @sergeantrooper @weldlys @bearlytolerable @thatnewcarsmeli @rozenly @notori @mymomthinksimfunny1 @sylvesterelle @edwardsisland @be-kita @cosetteskywalker @welkikitty

...I know people tend to not like vertical lists of @’s, but I just...want to illustrate that each of these tumblr names is a person who has a story to tell, is in some way struggling with their confidence level, and often, that lack of confidence is due to obscurity. Frequently, feeling intimidated by the work and popularity of one’s peers is just as pen-stopping.

But just by skimming each of their blogs (which I did, individually--this has taken hours of my time), I can say with certainty that none of these writers are bad ones, and I wish I had the time to sit down and read everything they all had to offer, not just to make them all feel better, but because I am sincerely curious! Look at all the fandoms! Look at all the genres here! This is a veritable cornucopia of colorful ideas and potential. Most of these people are relatively unknown. If you’re in one of the fandoms you see here, aren’t you curious about what you’re missing? Goes double for people who have original novels they’re working on, but have no one to read over their script and help them with it. Seriously, isn’t there something that can be done about that?

The second most popular tag was some variant of “thank you.” Which is very sweet, but I really don’t read that as indicating any virtue of mine so much as just another indication of need, someone who needed to read or hear that their situation isn’t hopeless, they don’t suck, and they can write that story they’re struggling with. They don’t hear anyone else telling them that on any sort of regular basis. Especially for someone who’s still trying to find their footing/niche as a writer, that’s a toxic, tragic state of being if writing is something you love. And for the record, I don’t buy for a second that love is enough to keep someone writing if no one is there to read it. Not for struggling authors and people just starting out. Silence is just as bad as, if not worse than condemnation for emerging writers. It’s one thing for an established writer to let a quiet, or disappointed crowd roll off their backs; they have the experience to know and trust in their own skill, and--largely because they already have a support network--can get back on that horse and keep writing even if they produced a lemon or two. Someone without that experience or support? Silence and strict criticism, more than anything, tends to cause a shutdown. (Yes, I’m aware there are exceptions, but in general, it’s true, and I’ve seen it again and again: “My writing doesn’t meet x standard, so what’s the point in even trying?”)

The point is that you usually have to walk before you run, and you can’t even get that far without support, encouragement, praise and redirection. You don’t even have to be an established mentor, you can be a passerby--hey that’s a nicely worded metaphor, good job...you misspelled “principle,” there--and you cannot understate just how helpful even that little interaction can be, if you’re positive about it. Even if you were flying at one point, it’s possible to fall, and if you do, you’ll need some help picking yourself back up. So when I say “don’t write in a vacuum,” that’s what I mean: even if you don’t show your work to anyone until you finish it, just knowing that there is someone out there waiting to see it, and anticipating it, willing to help you with it if you need it, and cheering you on all the while, is empowering. Isolation, on the other hand, not knowing who if anyone will even care to read your work or like it once it’s done, breeds blank pages and brain fog. Much of creativity is about communication. If there’s no one to communicate with, creativity suffocates. Unless you are a particularly talented introvert, you can only carry on a conversation with yourself for so long before all the words start to sound the same.

So, to @castiel-comatose, to @satari-raine, @referencesforpiamio... to

@blue-phoenix-tears @mama-sally @indi-flying-with-dragons @acidmatze @vanillaroses @fromotterspace @pristinepastel @blankinsidecards @nynynightmare @ruminationandtea @chocowl @chiyala @mag-i-cal @andromedas-daughter @megatraven @the-real-inu-girl @remsyk-blog @universe-apart @xmayleensyo @ellipsesarefun @internallydeceased @kigamin @sweeneymads @wepush @heartofpages @lauralot89 @franzwantscoffee @loveablelevi @poketin @maginpui @richard-of-windoor @yuri-on-ice-ice-babyyyy @azurethoughts @thunderstormsandcuddles @bekasyura @contentmintdraws @kurosakiami01 @strangesorceries @brynnmclean @howtotrainyouragents @lumierc @spywerewolf @yourcouragetothestickingplace @heuvelliedje @kateandtheuniverse @weeardo0 @ayumichan46 @silverbuttercups @rozenly @heartofwriting @darthshizuka @guardianmantis @gladnis-trash @firstorderelite @amiitens

...You’re welcome for the post, but it really was just...that sometimes, *I* feel isolated, and I feel like my writing is shit and no one could possibly care. But experience has taught me that there are so many reasons that’s simply an illogical sentiment, and those ten-ish items help me remember why it’s far more reasonable to assume I’m a good writer who faces the inherent difficulties of publishing in a vast sea of other writers on the Internet. In many ways, including with the list itself, I got lucky, got noticed by other people who already had a lot of followers, and through them I found people who were interested in my work, not because I’m some amazing writer (I’m not...just look at this structural disaster of a post at 5-something in the morning), but because I bothered to reach out in the first place. I’ve made similar posts several times in the past, and they didn’t go anywhere, but this time, I just ran into the right people at the right time. So it got to you, and you commented or tagged, and now you’re on this post with a bunch of other people you probably don’t know. Keep trying, and it happens, eventually. You will be seen.

That’s the real tragedy of all this...your ability to be seen and heard is attributable as much to chance as it is anything else. And you can’t really start to make your own luck until you have some social capital. I have a few followers, and so I hope that posting this can facilitate at least a little bit more luck for everyone I mention. So don’t be scared to respond (reblog--more people see that than when you comment), and say what you’re working on that you want people to see, or that your afraid won’t be finished, or won’t turn out right. Start a conversation about it. Say what about the story is important to you. Reach out. Let people know you have a story you want to tell, one that really matters to you. Maybe give a brief synopsis--you’d be surprised how that can pique someone’s interest. Really, anything. Just keep trying. Over time, people will find you.

Either way, point is, I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but just because you left a tag on a post that helped you, someone saw you, liked you, and has every confidence that you have beautiful stories in your head that you are more than capable of putting to the keys. Whatever else you do with that information, please do not stop writing, and if you need help, maybe look through some of the people here who are or have been feeling rather invisible--there’s likely someone who shares your interests. Or just reblog, or message me, or message someone you know who maybe you haven’t thought to ask before, whatever it is you feel brave enough to do. If you want to, that is. If you don’t want to, that’s alright. I just...wanted to give everyone I saw a chance, a platform for it.

If I have one thing to add to my list--a #11--it’s that if you have a lack of support, encouragement and visibility in your writing life, you should probably treat that as a primary obstacle to your writing, before you blame yourself or your abilities. Beating yourself up for not being able to grab people’s attention without a preexisting network isn’t fair to you, although the inclination is understandable, given the expectation people tend to have for writers to do exactly that. But the truth is, you owe it to yourself to reserve judgement on your own work until you’ve seen what you can do with that support.

Now that I’ve spend entirely too many words explaining what’s probably a very simple concept, there were a few responses to the post that I felt...like I should answer, specifically. This isn’t because these people are better than anyone in the lists above (in fact many of them are in those lists), it’s simply because they said something I happened to have a specific response to. So...here goes nothing. Making friends, I hope!

@night57byrd

replied to your post

“Things I Try to Remember When I’m Nervous About Writing”

Thank you for this advice and wisdom. I have long harbored dreams of writing but have allowed my inner inner critic hold me back. This posting has given me a tremendous boost. Thank you for the gift.

This was one of the most heartwarming comments I received, and it showed up on my dash on a day where it seemed like everything was just falling apart around me. I should thank you, for giving me the synergy boost to soldier through the rest of a very difficult day. Knowing that at least I’d done something that had helped someone that much helped me make it through without breaking down. So thank you, for your gift of strength to me. I sincerely hope you enjoy getting into the wonderful, if often stormy world of writing (and I hope you’re able to get another season out of Pitch--I’ve been meaning to give that show a shot, along with Southside With You, but it just hasn’t happened for me, yet).

@wtf-and-shit

replied to your post

“Things I Try to Remember When I’m Nervous About Writing”

I really needed this cause I’ve been in a slump of sorts. Even asked myself “what do others want to read?”

And @whenimaunicorn has similar woes:

sometimes i lose my own voice trying to please the whole crowd but i'm just writing 'my' story not 'the' story i gotta remember that

Asking what others want to read (or conversely, what other want you to write) is a nasty trap I’ve fallen into multiple times. It’s not even conscious, half the time, you just start worrying if the words you’re putting on the page are just going to be too weird, to boring, or just not what people want to see. You start tweaking things to better reflect what you think others want to see, and before you know it, you’re writing something you really just don’t care about at all. I really sincerely believe that the best way to keep a story from falling over dead is to be continually invested in the content, even if that means changing the story to accommodate you when your interests change. That can sometimes lead the story in strange directions, but better a story be strange than incomplete, I would think.

Several people commented about calling themselves names:

@freestridingprinces said:

One of my very cute kouhais tagged me in this. I have a terrible habit of doing all of the negative things on this list. I’ve called myself boring many times. I will stop. I would never call anyone else who I’ve ever spoken with boring. So, I’m working on staying positive and nice to myself along with you all. Thank you for being kind to me when I needed it.

while @thecrimsonarcher is similarly inclined:

#10 is my biggest issue. Honestly, judging by the lack of feedback from my writings, I have come to the conclusion that my writings lack creativity because I am unable to hold anyone’s attention. My story is a mixture between Lovecraftian horror, psychological horror, and Southern gothic. Nobody wants to read that during this day in age.

and further notes the difficulties of competing with erotica (sorry, I switch the order of paragraphs for effect):

It’s made worse when no one gives me feedback or likes the post. Was my story really that bad? Did it suck so bad it didn’t warrant a response? More often than not, I find myself deleting my progress that I post on Facebook or Tumblr. If no one will give it the time of day, why even post it? What’s the point? The only way you’ll ever get recognized for writing on Tumblr is if you do fanfics, especially erotic fanfics.

I suspect one of the reasons fanfiction is as popular as it is, is that you automatically have something of a fan base right from the getgo, because the material in question is...well, by definition, a product of fandom. It’s also just a fact of life that people love smut, and often they love it for smut’s sake, rather than paying much attention to the quality of the writing. And that’s fine! But it does make things complicated when what you write is not smut.

One thing I would recommend is looking up some good Genfic groups. Even if you’re not planning on writing exclusively sex/relationship-free stuff, they might be a good place to start with short stories, just to build an audience and start working in the right direction to find more people who are looking for more than just getting off.

@dust2dust34 chimed in,

i've been very unkind to myself lately with blood hands very unkind

and @headphonesandbackpack also gives themselves a hard time,

#i need to keep that in mind #also i tend to hate my writing style #i think it's incredibly boring #i bore the shit out of myself while boring #but my french teachers seem to love what i write??? #and when i read it like a year later i think it's not that bad #i guess i need to believe in myself

There’s a lot of people out there who beat themselves up over their percieved skill level:

@lechatrouge673: I HAVE A CRISIS OF CONFIDENCE AT LEAST ONCE A WEEKAND I FEEL LIKE AN UTTER FRAUD

@ashethehedgehog:

# I BEAT MYSELF UP OVER MY WRITING ALL THE TIME SO THIS IS # YEAH THIS IS NICE

@ishipmyselfwitheveryone: +sometimes i call myself 'useless sack of severed cocks' when i won't write good +maybe that's part of my problem

(Well...tbh, yes? haha, I can think of several politicians who are far more deserving of being called that right now...*ahem* ANYWAY...)

@dragonsinparis has some strong feelings (that I agree with) while falling to #10 even in tags:

#i'm a lazy enough writer that i only actually get off my ass if there's a story i desperately want that I can't find #(hence state of grace and this isn't what we meant especially) #but what you're looking for that you can't find can be as simple as a style or an aspect or a moment or a choice #which means that it is still rooted in your voice #ANYWAY EVERYONE KEEP WRITING #STORIES BUILD COMPASSION AND IF THERE IS ANYTHING WE NEED MORE OF IN THE WORLD IT IS THAT

So the self-berating issue seems to be pretty common, if completely unnecessary. Again the ability--or inability--to be able to get the words out perfectly is held as a measure of one’s talent or potential, and frustration with that and/or a lack of feedback leads to self-abuse--or it seems that way to me, correct me if I’m wrong, or want to add to this analysis. I’m no expert...but I remember that’s kinda how it worked, for me. I thought I should be able to just be better, and additionally, I didn’t want anyone to think I was stuck-up or pretentious about my work, so I said a lot of damaging things about myself and my writing, just to keep my expectations down so I could avoid disappointment. Problem was, the more I said it, the more I believed it, and the harder it was to actually feel like writing was worth the effort. It wasn’t until very recently I found enough support for that behavior to change, and I’m much less likely to put myself down nowadays.

Several people were just happy that kindness showed up in their feed:

@litwww: Thank you, kind person who randomly appeared on my dash ❤

@letspartyrightnowplease: I really needed this right now as I’ve been struggling and stressing the heck out

@zodiacdog101: Thanks dude this helped through the slump I’m going through

@classicbkrder815: Reblog. Thanks i needed this today. Lol I’m going to read it everyday to inspire myself.

@orcaspanielmermaids: These are some of the kindest words I’ve received all week, after struggling with RL issues on top of fighting to get out of the corner I’ve written myself into. Thank you, OP. <3

@gymleader-nick: You have no idea how bad I needed to hear this right now.

I swear I’m not including these to fan my ego, I was just very surprised how many people seemed surprised to find something encouraging on their dash. I am very happy that the list helped! I hope it continues to. But as @dragonsinparis opined above, encouragement and compassion in the writing world appear to be in lamentably short supply.

Guilt over breaks, unfinished work and asking for attention also seems to be a big culprit of empty-page syndrome:

@beqm: I love the ‘You’re allowed to take breaks.“ Because right now I feel like I’m being a horrible slacker. I want to write but everything else seems to bee getting in the way.

@perpetuallyfive: #the guilt is what makes writing the hardest for me? #any time i'm struggling with something and think ''maybe switch to another piece for now'' i feel bad #any time i ask someone to look at my stuff #anytime i want to say i'm trying to write a thing and i worry i won't finish in time and then all i can think is that i never finish in time #i sometimes try not to even post a thing until another thing is half finished because there are those times when no one cares #about that last thing you posted and it's SO DISCOURAGING #like you accept that you just write for you but it makes it hard to continue the next thing when you can't stop thinking you know #maybe you're not that good anymore #maybe you never were maybe it was just the fandom you were in was fucking thirsty #writing is the worst honestly except for those limited few times when it's the best #(i've been trying to write lately. if you couldn't tell.) #anyway i'm going to reread this list a lot right now.

@icybluepenguin: #I wish I were better talking about my stories with other writers #It always helps #But I always feel so guilty

@woodlandcrowns: I'd love to have a support circle of [fanfiction] writers--or even for original stuff at timesbut I believe I'd be a bother

@effinunicorns: I need to work on the 'talking to people about my fic' thing more but it feels so awkward

#7 of the list is a quick reminder for me that however many unfinished works I have that I never tell anyone about, there are just as many behind all the finished, polished stories I see on the AO3 pages of my friends. And hey, some people are simply more prolific than others, and that’s all right. Has no bearing on your worth as a writer if you cannot churn out chapter after chapter. Focus on what you want to do, what’s exciting for you to write right now. Then go for it. At some point, you’re going to get absorbed in one of those projects until it’s finished. It might take a while, even years, but it will happen, and you’ll find your groove along the way.

I should’ve made a 7.1: the number of finished works is not a measure of whether you’re a good writer. It’s worth considering that the purpose of writing, as an art, isn’t always to follow a story all the way to completion. If writing is a sort of “zen” thing for you, something you do to explore ideas for yourself, communicate them to others, and just enjoy and grow as a person through the process, it really doesn’t matter if the stories go unfinished, as long as you benefit from the exercise. Writing can be as much akin to meditation as it can be a job that you live off of. If that’s how it works for you, it’s still legit and you can still be extremely good at it. Even if you never finish a single piece, if it’s making your life better, don’t sweat it. Enjoy your talent for what it is. You can always hone it, but if the process of trying is both failing and causing you to lose confidence or self-esteem, maybe your writing pattern and skill is just different from that of the typical “career writer.” Maybe not, but it’s worth thinking about, and if that’s how it is for you, don’t let anyone tell you that you suck just because.

A lot of people are scared/already convinced that nothing they produce is any good and no one wants to read it:

@formsans96: I just feel that no one does like them that much. Even my finished works.

@canadian-buckbeaver: I keep looking at the views and kudos of other stories and it immediately affects me. “Why am I not that popular?” “Am I not that good?” But then I read everyone’s comments… immediately feel better.

@noodle-dogs: #I HAVE LIKE....3 BIG PLOTS IN MY HEAD RN #BUT IM JUST SCARED MY WRITING WONT BE GOOD ENOUGH

@decembercamiecherries: I get really nervous when writing WTWFI'm scared it won't turn out good and pple will be disappointed

@talentlessandoptimistic: #the downside is I'm literally the only person who wants to read it #which is why I don't share it

@sandrasr91: sometime I want to write but I don't know if it'll be any good

@itsactuallycorrine: # i keep telling myself i just need to put words on the page # but i'm at the halfway point and doubting everything

This is writer anxiety #1, and I’m 100% convinced that (in addition to the effects of more uncontrollable factors such as clinical depression and other intrusive MI in some individuals) it results from a lack of support. If no one ever reads your stuff or says anything good about it, how are you supposed to know if it’s an effective piece of writing or not?

That’s another way of combating writing anxiety: Don’t judge stories in terms of “good” and “bad.” I tend to think of most stories as “good,” even if they’re poorly written. We all wrote crappy stories before we wrote “good” ones, but it was still good that we went through the experience of writing the crappy ones, and old stories still have a certain charm about them.

Rather, I try to look at stories in terms of their effectiveness: did they reach the reader on a personal level? Did I communicate what I wanted to say? If so, then the piece was a success, was effective. If not, it was an ineffective piece, and I’ll just have to work on making sure the next one comes across more clearly.

But nothing, no philosophy, no reminders, no lists can substitute for friends and writing/reading buddies. It’s so important to establish those, or you’re likely to feel isolated and distraught when you post your blood sweat and tears to a brick wall and receive nothing in response for your efforts.

If you’re not writing fanfiction, there is a group called Critters that I cannot recommend highly enough. They call themselves a “workshop,” but really, they’re a fantastic resource for submitting manuscripts for (gentle, but useful!) critique. There’s a very reasonable, common-sense but quite in-depth etiquette for critting others’ work (people tell you when you do something RIGHT, too!), and you are required to critique a few short stories before you can submit your own, but it’s not hard, and gives you a lot of great practice on both giving and receiving writing assistance. I used this group for a few years while I was unemployed, and the people there are wonderful and helped me a great deal. Do give it a look if you’re having a hard time finding anyone to read your work. You’ll make some friends!

There was one comment that caught my eye on this note:

@mamakat926: All good things I need to remember when I’m struggling to write my first fanfic…

I wish you the best of luck! The first one is always hard. And even though you’re writing fanfiction, it’s worth having a look at Critters! There’s so many resources there to help you get off the ground with your first attempts.

Of course, I have to mention the lovely @lidicores, who translated the entire post into Portuguese. I can’t read a lick of it, but that was awesome, haha!

I needed this right now. I’ve been lacking drive to write since last november. The emptiness is excrucianting. Then a week ago a friend asked me about the story and I suddenly started to think about it again. I even reread some chapters… hopefully I’ll be back soon. Hopefully…

Oh, English is not my first language, so, don’t you worry, I’m not this bad writing in Portuguese. LOL

Having two or more languages under your belt already gives you a leg up on most writers. I hope you’re able to get back into it, soon.

Several people expressed concern about coming back to writing after a long hiatus:

@mxrdins: #i wanna start writing fanfics too :( #i mean long ones in englisn #but am i too late with it #after all im 18 lol and there is a looooong break behind me in writing

@sazula: I haven't written anything in so long but i want to

@arie-172: # i need to remind myself of so many of these# idk but it's been so long since i've written something that i had forgotten what it was to feel this way# you know the way in which you kind of second guess everything

@dragontameroutofcharacter: mmmmm i feel like this is · why i can't write lately tho · there isn't · anything i want to read · like honestly lately i just · want to sleep · i work and i come home and i try to stay awake until evening · i've got books i was so excited to get · that i'm still not reading · haven't even started · i miss writing ·

Just like when you’re first starting out, getting back into it is a question of connection and support, knowing who and what your resources are, and using them. And patience with, and compassion for yourself. You can’t expect the first thing you produce to be as clean as the last thing you wrote before your hiatus, so avoid comparing them. Maybe you want to try a new style or a different perspective, just for fun or to keep the results from being comparable in the first place. I really hope all of you are able to dive back in, though. And 18 is not at all too old! I skipped 3 years of writing between 16 and 19, and it didn’t take me long to get back up to speed.

One person expressed skepticism at the implications of needing/taking writing advice from a tumblr post:

@epherians: #I DON'T FEEL SURE WHEN I HAVE TO FIND COMFORT IN WRITING ADVICE POSTS…

I understand and even share this sentiment, and of course you’re perfectly welcome to throw all this out the window with no resentment from my end! But...I’m curious, have you ever seen the movie, Adaptation? If not, you really should. Even though it has Nick Cage in it. Or because it does, depending on your persuasion.

Now, to a few slightly more personal responses. The first is more of a question, because I spotted this tag in one of the reblogs: ableist language ...I wanted to ask, @arathergrimreaper, was this meant to note that I used such language in my post? If so, please let me know where I messed up so I can fix it! And I’m quite sorry if I injured anyone with some bad wording in there.

@theladyjanes used the tag such powerful words for the post, and that...I dunno, it just hit me hard. Thank you. Powerful is not often a word that is used to describe me or what I say, so I appreciate it, a lot.

@americannoteven said,

#I've reread this about 15 times now #each time feels more and more personal #bc fuck #I should... stop being so hard on myself

Yes, please...if you can manage it, give yourself a break. I hope that the list helped you, and I hope you work through your writing struggles soon. My message and ask boxes are always open, to everyone. =)

@xbean wrote,

#It's taken me a while to get back into it especially when someone you called your best friend read one and made you feel like shit after the

Okay so this messed with me, because...well, because this happened to me several years ago. And I’m sorry, so sorry that that happened to you. It’s a horrible, awful feeling. I hope you can get back into the swing of writing--and if you have to, use spite and resentment to fuel your determination to write, no matter what anyone thinks about it. It’s yours. Do your thing! The best antidote for the shame and hurt is to just keep writing, and when you finally get through the pain, you will have leaned an incredible amount about what parts of your writing are yours and how to discard the pieces you put in there simply to please others. Be strong, you can make it through.

@bamfcoyotetango raged,

FUCK IF I DIDN'T NEED THIS AFTER THE SHIT SHOW THAT GREETED MY LATEST CHAPTER

29 HITS FOR A CHAPTER NEARLY 2K LONG

Another awful feeling, working especially hard on a story or chapter, only to have no one comment, and hardly anyone even look at it.

It likely isn’t that your writing is bad or even ineffectual, though. It could have been a bad time of day to post. Your normal readers just might not have been available. Did you let anyone know that the chapter was up? Try pinging them, if not. In any case, don’t immediately think that silence means it sucked and no one liked it, or that it was too boring for strangers to notice. True is, it’s really hard to make a title that gets people’s attention without designing it as pure clickbait (and if you’ve avoided that nasty habit, good on you!).

I hope your next chapters garner more interest. Out of curiosity, what’s the story about?

@takemeawaymothman said, this last one really like? got to me -- and it seems like, while #1 (write what you want to read) was the most popular/cited, #10 (don’t call yourself names) had the strongest reaction...a few tags suggesting it pulled some tears. I’m a little curious as to why that is...is it really so rare for anyone to tell you that you are not stupid? Gosh...I want to give all of you hugs, haha!

(also, cool account name!)

@bastian-casillas-fussballgott (omg, I spelled it!) simply said, this means a lot to me. This seems like one of those quiet, but profound statements, and I’m happy that this little list was so meaningful. I hope it helps.

@fireferns said,

#making a bunch of these things stuff i think and believe had helped my writing more than anything

And I wholeheartedly agree that...nothing on that list really does anything to help if you do not internalize it. It has to be something you’re just as willing to tell other people. And it’s not comprehensive! Nor is it for everyone. Many people mentioned that they actually do write better without any outside interference. That’s great--the list was just my list, and I think everyone would probably benefit from making their own, tailoring it to what works best for their writing style.

@infinitelystrangemachinex echoes my feelings:

#I am nervous about writing 100% of the time#It is the most stressful and unforgiving thing I have ever done and ever will do#but I also love it more than anything

Yes, yes! Even writing this, I am constantly thinking about how it all can go wrong, how people might be mad at me for @’ing them, or think I’m creepy for having gone through all the notes and read them...but, I just have this thing I have to get out, you know, and as terrifying and sometimes heartbreaking as it has been, nothing has ever been more rewarding to me, or caused so much positive growth in me, than my writing. And if I don’t constantly defy my anxiety, it takes hold of me and paralyzes me. So, writing is not just important. To me, it’s necessary. I imagine it’s that way for many other people, too.

@pandora15 had a conundrum:

#this is giving me inspiration to work on my clone wars fic

#but like

#i have an exam tomorrow

#so i shouldn't

#ugh but I WANT TO

#this is hard

I have to know...what did you choose?

@thetamburlaine got excited about their AU plotbunny--er, porpoise?:

this actually got me writing right away after a few weeks slump the two first points did it i think anyway for future encouragement free willy au here i come

WOW, I’m glad it helped that much--and also, wow again, a Free Willy AU? I’d never have imagined there would be fanfiction for that movie, but now that I think about it, it kinda makes sense. I’m very curious!

@irresistible-revolution said that #i might be crying #the blogger had an emotional day y'all and I really hope that wasn’t a bad thing. I don’t want my post to have made things worse! I hope you’re all right.

And finally, @positivelycurious writes #needed this as I'm attempting to finally write a memoir -- A memoir, really? That’s awesome, I’ve never met anyone who’s written one, before. Good luck!

Um...okay, I think that’s all. I know that there will be more notes after this date (05/07/2017), but unfortunately it will be very hard for me to separate old from new comments and tags, so I may never be able to get to answering any more. Sorry about that, but please know that I read everything, even tags, and this post has just gone on an unbelievable journey through so many people, if only briefly. I appreciate all the feedback and hope it continues to help others get out of their writer’s block.

I also apologize if this post is in any way out of line or uncomfortable to those I’ve tagged in it. I mulled for a long time on whether or not to do it this way, rather than just sending individual messages to everyone I mention here. Again, if you want to be removed from this post, tell me and I will do so immediately. The reason I made this post is at least partially based on a post I made about two years ago, where I called out as many of my followers as I could to tell them how and why I was thankful for them. Really, that’s what I’m trying to do here, too. Although most of you do not follow me, and honestly, you probably have no reason to start, just being aware of you and your writing troubles, and the fact that I may have helped them just a little bit, makes you all very important to me. There’s so much creativity out there and I hate to see it bottled. Your gratitude and thanks have been a constant stream of comfort during a terribly stressful time in my life, and for that, I really cannot thank you enough.

Even though we’re complete and total strangers, I know you matter, and so do your stories. Do not give up on them. The world is better if they’re written, that they might fall into the hands of someone who needs them.

-Luna

#misc #writing #writer problems #response post #long post #longpost #stories are important #please tell yours #even if it's fiction #there is nothing fictional about the comfort of fictional things #not video games #essay

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