#//nothing life threatening i'm just... waiting on an appointment for diagnosis of something.

[kitakami-zorua-kin]

Heya Russet,

Congratulations on getting sweetheart registered, though I wonder what abilities do they have and what Pokémon are they for that matter? I've never seen one like them?

Been a bit since we last heard of you everything alright with you and your sibs (// also to mod too)? Also greet Kieran from me if possible, but please don't if it's going to rile you or him up that's not necessary.

Anyway have a nice day/night

Oys

Hi Oys! Ah - yeah, haven't been online much as of late, just been sort of busy! Everything's... mostly alright? Um, Carmine's busy doing research work for Ms. Briar... Kieran is... um. I'll be honest I've been avoiding him. Hiroki says he's doing alright though...? I trust Hiroki's judgement.

I'm not super certain as to what exactly Sweetheart is! I really should get around to figuring it out, but - well, it's a little difficult. I've tried looking through some of the historical records of Kitakami but I really can't find much...? Figured I'd start looking for records in other places, too. Honestly the most I've figured out is that they seem to be some type of poison ghost type...? Maybe they're a really weird Gengar...?

[neurosky]

I've posted about this before, but I'm posting about it again. This needs to be said, attention needs to be brought to this.

The U.S. healthcare system NEEDS to change. NOW. I don't normally ask for people to read my posts, but PLEASE read this.

I'm done defending doctors and companies; I've been doing that my entire life. And what I've learned from 16 years of health issues? Most doctors/companies don't care.

I would love to sit here and say that they're all trying their best, that they want to help people out of the goodness of their hearts, but that's not true.

I've had doctors interrupt me, downplay symptoms, ignore symptoms, brush me off, and even completely disregard me like an old rag. Some doctors do not care about their patients. They'll give out a diagnosis that vaguely matches the symptoms. They'll give out the most common diagnosis, and won't look deeper into it whatsoever, no matter how much the patient advocates for themself. Then they'll discharge you with no follow-up appointments, no resources, nothing.

Companies are worse, though. They're misleading. They mess things up, more than they should. They'll forget to put your name on lists so many times that you stop asking. They'll put you on a waiting list that takes months, even years to finally get to the front of - even if you're actively in a crisis. And if you're in a life-threatening situation, specifically if it's mental health based? You'll probably end up in a mental hospital, which might be good in the moment, but after that? Radio silence. Nothing. Maybe another year-long waiting list.

Like I said before, I'd love to tell you that they care, that they're doing their best. But a lot of them just aren't. Yes, there are some doctors and companies that genuinely are trying, but the majority could definitely stand to make much more of an effort. It's like pulling teeth to just get them to do anything.

I'm not writing this to deter people from seeking treatment. I'm writing this because something needs to change, fast. People are dying. People are suffering, and they're getting close to nothing from the people who are supposed to be helping them.

Let me repeat that: People are dying. this isn't an issue that can be put off for later; this needs to be addressed right now.

Please bring awareness to this. Vote. Speak up. Advocate for yourself as hard as you can, and keep advocating for yourself through all of the struggle.

As someone who's been going through this since before I even hit double digits, as someone who's been at least partially defending doctors for years, I'm finally done defending. This is the truth of what me, my family, and my friends are dealing with. No sugarcoating. We are struggling.

[lymphonyduck]

Prologue

It is currently 6:21 AM and I've awoken from my melatonin induced dreams. I haven't really dreamed since diagnosis so it was weird to experience 3-4 different dreams in a row. But... maybe that's another blog. Anyways here's the story so far. I'm still fuzzy about the dates and timeline so bear with me.

The Lump

I'm not sure when it grew or how long it was growing for but I noticed something hard at the end of my right testicle around June 2024 or so. Part of me knew it cancer so I just brushed it off for a little. I was scared for it to become a reality. Even if it was potentially life threatening, I didn't want to acknowledge it. I would rather live in ignorance for a little bit.

I started to spend a little more and started doing more things as if I wasn't going to be able to do them soon. That KBBQ place? Hell yeah let's go. That sushi place? Yup, we're eating there. How much does that cost...? Doesn't matter, money ain't an issue. I felt like I had to live little more than usual before I started down this road, because I knew once I started it wouldn't be fun and I won't be able to stop until it's done. So for about a month or two I ignored it and just went on with life.

Eventually... I built up the courage to schedule a doctor's appointment. Unfortunately, my primary care physician was really busy. His only appointment was like well into August and I needed to check it out now. I chose someone else within the care team and luckily I got seen a lot quicker. July 17th. The doctor asked me about pain and I said I didn't have any. Honestly, I would not have noticed it there if not for me touching my balls. The doctor then examined it and they also felt the lump. An ultrasound was ordered.

I believe I got the ultrasound like a week later and it cost like 300+ dollars!!!! I was only told how much when I got there and signed in. Brazy. Anyways, I checked in and waited until it was my turn. I went into a dark moody room with a man and a student. I forget her name but the man asked me if it was okay for the student to be there and to do the ultrasound. I said yeah that's fine. I felt a little funny because she would be sounding me balls. The man asked me a couple of questions and then they both left for me to get ready. I laid down on the bed and pulled my pants down. They gave me a towel to cover up my groin so I'm not just dicks out for Harambe. The ultrasound lasted for about 30 mins or so. Nothing special.

A week later I get a call from me doctor saying the lump is confirmed. The size was like 6cm X 1.5cm X 2cm or something and that there was a second lump. The doctor expressed her concern and referred me to a urologist. Of course, I put off meeting him for a week or two.

The Urologist

My girlfriend and I were driving home one day and she had mentioned something she needed to go to the doctors for. I figured this was a good time to bring up I needed to go the urologist. I had never mentioned this journey so far with anyone. I've just been going to appointments secretly. I figured if I told someone about needing to go to the urologist I would actually schedule and go. It worked.

Tuesday 9/10/2024 I met with my urologist. I didn't know what to expect going in but it definitely wasn't that. He came in and introduced himself, asked a couple questions, felt my testicle, and then said "yeah I'm taking your testicle". Well it more was along the lines of "It's got to come out".

What.

"My scheduler will help you schedule the surgery. I'm thinking next week."

What.

"Any questions?"

I'm too shocked to think of any.

I still needed to produce a urine sample so I go back to the lobby and chug water while I tell my girlfriend what happened. She is obviously shocked as I'm giving her the play by play.

Looking back and her telling me, it wasn't the best idea to tell her I had cancer over text but oh whale.

At the time, we didn't know it was cancer. We do know it is a lump and that it should come out. The urologist said anything inside the body we treat as a cancer until proven not and anything outside of the body we treat as not a cancer until proven.

Lo and behold I put of scheduling the surgery for a couple days because I'm scared out of my mind. This was my first surgery ever.

[stonertransdad]

Life Update since I hadn't been on here in forever

The pandemic was/is wild! Lockdowns started literally around the time we were going to the fertility specialist to get her pregnant. I lost my job to COVID in March shortly before we did the procedure, but we decided there's never really a good time to have a kid. Why not during a global pandemic when one of us in unemployed? (BTW, I don't recommend having a kid during a pandemic. Not being able to go to all of the appointments and having to sit in the parking lot was brutal.)

Let's talk about May friends...it was rough. (TW for mention of suicide btw. I'll post a gif where it's safe to start again if you wanna skip over it.)

So May 1st is the anniversary of my father's suicide. It had been 4 years. I found his body and since he wasn't married, I had to handle his affairs and arrange his funeral. May 1st, 2020 my wife and I had a Zoom game night with our friends and I got drunk because everyone was drinking (except my wife because she was pregnant). After our game night at like 2am, I had a psychotic break. I threatened to kill myself numerous times. My wife tried to talk me down, but eventually called the cops to take me. I thank her for that because looking back, that was the moment I knew something needed to change. I was convinced the cops were gonna kill me because I'm a trans dude in rural West Texas. I legit took the phone out of my wife's hand, hung up on 911, and yeeted her phone across the backyard and tried to hop the fence. Eventually the cops came and talked me down. They took me to the hospital an hour away in handcuffs (for their protection I did nothing wrong). They took me to the religious hospital that I was born in. So when they looked up my info by my name and date of birth from my driver's license (I only changed my middle name) literally all my paperwork and my bracelet had my deadname and wrong gender despite all of my legal stuff saying male with my new middle name. I mentioned it to them and they didn't care. They misgendered me the entire time I was there. I had hit my head hella hard on the bath tub when my wife was trying to snap me out of it, did the hospital even check me for concussion? Nope. I had punched so many things and my hand and wrist were swollen and discolored. Did they check out my hand and wrist? Nope. I was there for over 10 hours before I was able to convince them I was okay and that it was just the alcohol. Did I mention during that 10 hours I was literally out in the hall on a gurney with no mask and this was when COVID was running rampant in Texas (the first time)? I heard people die that night. I had nothing to distract me because they took away all of my personal items and clothes. My wife picked me up and we went home and I have been sober ever since. It's not the first psychotic break I've had with alcohol in my system. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me, but I'm finding new things to replace it with.

TW has been lifted...it's safe now.

A couple of weeks after that I began teletherapy because I had been on the same mood stabilizer and anti-depressant for almost a decade. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I felt like it hadn't been working for at least a year. This is a reminder to check in with your doctor if you feel like your meds aren't working. You may just need a different dose or a new med. There's no shame in that. I bounced around on various medications trying to find the right combo, some side effects scarier than others, but we got there. Before this, I had been diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My therapist threw out my Borderline diagnosis and said it was CPTSD instead, which made sense.

Fast forward to December because my wife was pregnant, I was unemployed still, and we did absolutely fuck-all because the global panini was still raging.

Our son was born on December 3, 2020. He weighed 5lbs 9oz and scared the ever loving shit out of us. He wasn't breathing when he was born so they called NICU in ASAP. I'm freaking out because I can hear and see what's going on while my wife was asking if he was okay as they put her guts back in place to sew her up. 5 or so minutes pass and a nurse asks if I want her to take some pictures. I'm like is he okay, he still hasn't cried. She's like "oh yeah, he's chillin." This goon was being held by a nurse and was just looking around not crying or anything. Chillest baby ever (he still is btw). I held him next to my wife's head until it was time to go back to the room. Little dude did have to spend 4 nights in the NICU because he couldn't keep his sugars or temperature regulated, but he was healthy otherwise. He's now 4 months old and is starting to sit up on his own a little bit and he's OBSESSED with standing. He's still a little guy, but very healthy and growing like a weed. He saves my life daily.

So after being unemployed for over 9 months, I started a new job working in a call center. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. It gives me anxiety and throws me into panic attacks, but I had been putting out hundreds of job applications since I lost my last job and this was the first offer I got. I wasn't really in a position to turn it down since my unemployment had ran out 2 months prior. It was 2 months of training, then we'd be on our own. I got thru the training and thought I could handle it...until they started putting us on live calls with someone helping us if we got stuck. My mental health hit the lowest point it had in a few years and my wife was terrified she was going to lose me. She convinced me to quit on February 28th (not because I didn't want to, but because I'm a stubborn ass who felt guilty). My meds got tweaked a little bit more dosage wise during this mess.

Starting about mid-February, I was experiencing severe shakiness, tremors, and spasms. I've always been a shaky person and never really thought too much about it, but at some points I could barely feed myself, or get a drink, or hold my son. On March 7th, I tried to make an appointment with my doctor about the weird symptoms I was experiencing, but she was out of town and her next opening wasn't until the 31st. My body said that won't work and my wife rushed me to the ER on the 9th...I had begun having seizures that day. I had no previous history of seizures. Got to the ER and had a seizure literally as I was walking thru the door, so they rushed me straight back. They took some blood and that was literally it. No MRI. No CT. They pumped me full of Ativan and said it was just a panic attack and to go home and chill.

Spoiler Alert: It wasn't just anxiety. I was having 20+ seizures a day. On the 10th, my wife rushed me to a different hospital...the good hospital over an hour away. First we had to drop off our gremlin with my mom to make things a little easier. Yet again, I had a seizure as I walked in the door and was taken back immediately. I don't really remember much because they kept pumping me full of Ativan and morphine because I had been in excruciating pain from the number of seizures I'd had. I do remember them doing a CT pretty quickly after I got there. Then they weren't happy with the results of the CT, so they took me to get an MRI, which showed possible signs of Multiple Sclerosis (but I didn't find that out until AFTER the notes showed up in my patient portal after being home a few days, so I raised hell...more on that later.) They did a 24 hour EEG on me and it showed nothing abnormal. Also, EEG glue is a bitch on your hair and scalp. After looking at everything and given my previous mental health history, they diagnosed me with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, or PNES. It is a subset of Functional Neurologic Disorder, or FND. I couldn't walk well anymore and had to use a walker when I was discharged. I was in the hospital for 3 days.

When I had my follow-up appointment on the 23rd, I asked why the possibility of MS was never mentioned to me since it was very clearly in the notes. The doctor didn't have an explanation. He called in a referral to neurology so I could get a 2nd MRI to confirm MS and marked it as high priority. He also didn't take my pain seriously. My pain levels had been at a 5 or higher every single minute since they took me off of the morphine in the hospital. He told me to keep taking prescription strength doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, which I had been. I let him know I had been and it didn't even take the edge off the pain. He ignored me. Leading up to this appointment, I had also added urinary incontinence to my growing list of symptoms and was forced to wear diapers so I didn't have to do laundry all the time. The doctor also took me off my ADHD meds because they were lowering my seizure threshold. He also took me off of my sleeping meds and nightmare meds for the same reason I'm assuming.

I kept my appointment on the 31st with my primary doctor because she's been my doctor for 5 years now and I knew she'd take my pain seriously. She did. She immediately wrote me prescriptions for a muscle relaxer and Tylenol 4. She also told me that my referral had been rejected by neuro. She said my case wasn't a good one for what she called a "wallet biopsy" and the doctors in neurology could be real assholes. She immediately sent the referral to other locations to get an approval. I am still waiting on that despite it being marked as high priority. She wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair because we both agreed my wheelchair was not enough for particular days.

Yesterday my wheelchair was finally ready for pickup, so my wife drove me to go get it. I'm still unable to drive due to my seizures and my tremors and twitches as it's predominantly in my legs and arms. I am an ambulatory wheelchair user now. Some days I can go short distances without my walker, some days I can't go without my walker, some days I can't even get out of bed, and some days I will be using my wheelchair. Don't judge a book by its cover, not all disabilities are visible. I have managed to keep my daily seizure count down in single digits and have even had a few seizure free days. They are still incredibly taxing on my body. I feel like I can't ever replenish my spoons fast enough to keep up with anything in my life.

So all in all, life has been chaotic. We are moving from Texas to New Mexico in the next few weeks, which should be interesting considering I can't overdo it without throwing myself into seizures. We will be closer to my mother-in-law so she can help us with our son and I can start resting a bit more on the more difficult days. Being a stay-at-home dad with an invisible illness has been one of the most challenging things I've done in my life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to update my followers since it's been over a year since I posted before a few days ago.

[lemonadebloodsworld]

Tw: ED (??), sh, depression, suicidal thoughts, abuse (??)

So yeah,

It feels weird to come back here even if it's a more recent account. The first time I made a tumblr account was when I was 13 and back then I was already really depressed because of trauma, my relationship with my parents and the fact that they were always saying that I faked being depressed and was just being dramatic and other shitty stuff.

Back then they thought I was a gay girl too but yeah I'm a bi trans boy and it makes everything so damn harder because everytime I try to talk about my mental health my mom just says that it's JUST because I'm trans and I should just be patient and wait to be 18 to start a transition while yes, dysphoria and the fact that my family isn't really supportive make me sad but my mental health has been getting so damn bad.

I've never really been a happy child, my parents divorced when I was 3-4, my mom found my stepdad who has always been an asshole to me and my little brother because we are not his "real" kids and would always yell at us and hit my brother and my mom has always been depressive and mentally ill (Ed, depression and trauma) so she is scared of him ig, anyways, she just never said anything about it, even when she noticed that we were really scared of him.

My bio father was supposed to take us at his place every weekend but after a year he stopped coming and dissappeared for 9 years. At the same time I started to get bullied at school by older kids and some kids in my class and I didn't have any friends because it was a shame for them to be friend with me.

At 11, I have been sexually assaulted by an older kid (he was 15 or something) leaving me with trauma.

At 12 I changed school and found friends, I was so unused to it and ashamed of my past that I spent my time lying to them so they'll like me and think I'm cool, I also started to smoke and drink in secret because I felt so much pain and the intrusive thoughts started to get loud.

At 13 my bio dad came back in my life because he owed a lot of money to my mom and wanted to use us to make my mom feel bad about it. I started self-harming lightly and depression started to settle in but I wasn't really understanding what was going on because the "hypomanic" phases and intrusive thoughts were getting more present causing me to lose the only friends I had and yeah I just didn't understand what the hell was going on. I tried to talk about my mental health to my parents but they told me that I was being dramatic and it's a normal thing to feel bad because I was an adolescent and questioning my identity (I came out as a lesbian back at this time) and decided to just punish me and take my phone away because I was spending too much time alone in my room and didn't do the chores.

At 14 I started to have a lot of anxiety and panic attacks while being in depressive episodes, I started an ed (feeling shameful for eating even a little amount of anything and purging, I don't want to give it any name because I have been diagnosed and yeah), I also began to self-harm more and deeper (still not bad, I don't want to lie for that type of stuff xd), I broke down one day and told everything to my parents (sh, depressive tendencies, smoke, suicidal thoughts etc) and once again they were like "yeah nah it can't be that bad, you just lie to have attention and have an excuse to stay in your room and just being stupid" but my mom saw my arms and thights and then was okay for me to go see a psychologist. So for a year I had the opportunity to talk with a professional who was really amazing, she prescribed me light sleep pills because of my insomnia while in depressive episodes and "hypomanic" (don't have a diagnosis but I have all the symptoms but then again I don't want to self diagnose because it could be wrong and be something else) ones but my mom always refused to give them to me. At the end of the year she wanted an appointment with my mom to talk about my mental health and the importance for me to go see a therapist to be diagnosed (bipolar disorder 2 (she was still questioning it) , anxiety disorder and depression or whatever, she just wanted me to have the help I needed) but then again my mom said no because I was surely just faking it all and I just had to make efforts to be happy. I was so tired of everything and just wanted to feel better so I started to steal my mom depression medication (mostly Xanax and calming pills).

At 15 I met my first serious girlfriend, I fell in love so hard with her and for the first month she really helped me to stop sh, pills, drinking and everything was great until she started to verbally abuse me using my dysphoria and fragile subjects I told her about (she would say that I'm annoying and selfish for always feeling bad and that u was too sensitive and not a real boy if I cried) once I wasn't agreeing with her, slap and hit me if I said something she wasn't okay with or when I would have anxiety attacks or talk to her about my suicidal thoughts while in depressive episodes and yeah she used me like if I was a dog, if she wanted something or think in some way I would have to give her or do whatever she wanted or I would get threatened, insulted or ignored for a long time or other icky stuff. After 6 months of making me feel guilty for not letting her touch me in a sexual way she one day decided to start taking advantage of me while I wasn't in the appropriate head space or without my consent and then making fun of my body and making comments about the way I look. She in fact, made me really anxious and feel bad and it made me start to binge eat, at the end of the year my weight was 78 kg, before our relationship I was 59 kg, people noticed it but just told me to stop eating and go on a diet.

At 17 (this year) I finally broke up even if she asked me to do it because she didn't want to be seen as the mean one for letting me while I was clearly depressed. It was hard but I could finally meet new people or get back with people she didn't wanted me to talk to (especially my amazing actual partner and my bestfriend) who helped me a lot realizing all the shit she did to me and they have been amazing at making me feel loved and cared for and to be honest I don't think I would be there if they weren't in my life right now.

Now my mental health is just fucked. Like I said when I broke up with my abusive ex I had gained almost 20 kg and it reminded me all the bully I've been through as a kid (they most of the time used the fact I was overweight to bully me) so I started to starve myself or purge if I felt like I ate too much (I started to count calories) I was at 78 kg at the start and in 2 weeks I was at 65kg, it was during quarantine so i didn't have any friend or people noticing what I was doing or see me fainting. I started to drink almost everyday and smoke a lot.

In June I got in a relationship with my actual partner and to be honest it's the only good point I can find this year. They (genderfluid) are an angel and I just don't know what I would do without them, they help me a lot even if they are struggling with mental illness themself and anyone has ever cared for me and made me feel so loved before. Today it's been 4 months officially and it makes me feel happy and I just want it to never stop. My mental health is at its worst, I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts, i have a self destructive comportement, in September I started to sh again (a lot deeper) after 2 years clean, I often call them in the middle of the night (well in the middle of the day for them cause I'm in Belgium and they are in Texas) because of really bad dreams and suicidal thoughts, I am bullied and made fun of by the people in my class for being trans and having a different style (alt-grunge), I barely eat or purge if I try to have a meal, I have these "hypomanic" phases that make me getting really angry at nothing and do a lot of stupid shit because I feel invincible and better than anyone, almost godly and yet they never made me feel like I was a burden or like I should just stfu or like I was being dramatic and they are actually the first person believing me and not saying I fake everything.

I am struggling and it becomes so damn hard to live but I will do my best not to give up and just keep on fighting for them and maybe try to recover and seek for help when I turn 18. I already try to make little steps and stop self harming, drinking too much energy drink XDD so yeah let's just try and be positive I guess.

Sorry its actually so damn long hhh I don't even know if i will post It one day or keep it as a draft eheh I hate venting