neomuni

[diverse-hearts-ocs]

//Free health care is wonderful until they fk up and it takes a thousand years to have that mistake fixed -_-

[warabidakihime]

★ characters: levi ackerman x reader | modern au

★ plot summary: levi helps you get through an episode

★ content warnings : implied su!cidal ideations, talks about mental illness (panic attacks, anxiety, and depression).

★ a/n: just a lil something i wrote out of sheer indulgence cause i am going through it ૮₍ ˃ ⤙ ˂ ₎ა . so i guess you could say this is true to life and the only difference is, i don't have a levi by myself doing all these for me LOL. BUT YEAH, i hope you like this one and i hope it could help other people who might be going through the same thing.

sending everybody hugs!

-

Title: Until When Do I Need to Run?

"What if I'm too tired by the time I reach the 'pinnacle' of my life?"

Your voice sounded soft and vulnerable as you let those words slip through your lips.

Normally, you wouldn't let these kinds of thoughts escape the confines of your mind, but today, your heart was desperately screaming for any semblance of salvation.

Anything that could shed light on your ever-gloomy world.

From the dining table where your boyfriend sat, enjoying his freshly brewed jasmine tea after dinner, Levi raised an eyebrow in your direction. "What?"

You were at the sink, washing the dishes, as it was your turn this week. You chuckled humorlessly as you rinsed a plate rather mindlessly. "It's nothing. I was just thinking out loud."

"And thinking ridiculous things too," Levi said, his voice louder than usual. It didn't occur to you that he had moved until you were spun around, facing him. He was already behind you while you were racking your brains for a response.

"What's wrong with you? Did something happen?" His frown was deep, his gray eyes piercing. Despite being shorter, his presence loomed over you.

Reaching for the kitchen towel to dry your hands, you stayed mute for a few minutes in an attempt to gather your thoughts.

"Work has just been... rough lately, and the stress is getting to me. But today was especially hard," you started. You were speaking slowly, trying to articulate your words as best as you could.

It was something your therapist had taught you years ago. Because of the things you went through growing up and the trauma you'd accumulated, you'd unfortunately lost your ability to speak coherently at times, almost to the point of being considered a person with a disability.

Having such a handicap was frustrating and humiliating, to say the least. It angered you when you couldn't get the right words out or when your mind went blank mid-sentence, rendering you temporarily mute.

Thankfully, you had Levi. He'd been your boyfriend for eight years, and since you got together, life wasn't as draining as it once was. You couldn't be more grateful to him. The two of you had met while you were on a coffee run at work. He was behind you in line, and when your card was unfortunately declined and you didn't have cash on you, you almost had an anxiety attack.

In his own way of displaying kindness, Levi scoffed from behind you and handed the cashier his card to pay for both your orders.

"If you don't want to go through something like that again, make sure you have cash on you, dumbass."

And the rest was history.

You went quiet again, and while Levi waited patiently, he took your hand, gave it a loving squeeze, and led you to the living room so that you could sit and talk comfortably.

Once you were settled, you took a deep breath, which sounded shaky as it escaped your lips. Your emotions were clearly piling up inside, and it was just a matter of when they would burst.

"Steady your breathing first, Y/N," Levi said as he rubbed your back gently, doing his best to comfort you while you grounded yourself. "Take your time."

Smiling sheepishly at him, you did as told, and then finally, you continued to confide in him.

"Nothing major happened, but work has been really hectic recently due to the amount of things we need to do, and it doesn't help that my team is severely understaffed. So, I guess the fatigue and stress have been piling up, and it's getting to me."

Levi noticed the tension in your shoulders and the way your hands were trembling slightly. He reached out and gently massaged your temples, his touch soothing.

"Any word on that incompetent manager of yours? They're looking for a replacement, right?" Levi asked, his voice tinged with annoyance. He knew the lore of what was happening at your workplace, and to say that he was pissed was an understatement.

Not only were you neglected by your immediate supervisor, but you also had to catch up and do his workload while still getting paid less than him. The whole thing was a mess, and to be completely honest, Levi was on edge, worried for your well-being. It sucked that his worst fears were manifesting.

"They're doing the best they can, so I'm just waiting patiently on that."

Levi let out a 'tsk' and rolled his eyes, clearly more annoyed for you. The gesture caused you to giggle a little.

"And to sum it all up, the whole thing kind of shoved me into another episode, and I started to overthink things again." You said with a pout, then continued, "I started to think of negative things again, like the fact I literally have to work like a horse just so I can survive for another two weeks. From that, I started to get dizzy because it dawned on me that it would literally take me years to succeed. And then I thought, what if by the time I reach the most successful point of my life, I'm too tired to celebrate or to even continue living because that's what I've been striving to achieve for so long, and that's where I've been pouring all my energy—"

"Okay, stop. Stop right there," Levi interrupted, his voice firm. He let out a frustrated sigh and pulled you closer, taking your hands in his. "You're spiraling, Y/N. You're making a mountain out of a molehill. We're going to tackle this together, one step at a time. Right now, you need to breathe and relax."

His gray eyes held a stern yet caring expression. "Focus on the now, Y/N. We deal with problems as they come. I'm here. I'll be your anchor, but you have to let go of the rope a little."

You looked into his eyes, feeling the weight of his words. Levi had always been your rock—the one who grounded you when your mind spiraled. You knew he was right, and his presence always brought you back to reality.

As you sat there, hand in hand, you felt a sense of calm wash over you.

"Thank you, Levi," you whispered, leaning in to rest your head on his shoulder.

Levi noticed the shift in your demeanor. He squeezed your hand reassuringly, his other hand coming up to stroke your hair gently.

"You know, Y/N," he started softly, his voice a stark contrast to his earlier firmness. "You're incredibly strong. You've faced challenges I couldn't imagine, and you’ve come out stronger for it. But even the strongest people need to recharge."

He paused, giving you a moment to absorb his words. "It's okay to not be okay sometimes. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. What matters is how you deal with it. And right now, you're dealing with it by talking to me instead of keeping all that to yourself, and you've also been really consistent with it, which is a huge step. Good job."

Levi squeezed your hand gently again. "We'll figure this out together. Maybe we can start by setting some boundaries at work. Or maybe we can find some ways to de-stress outside of work. We can try new hobbies, or just spend more quality time together."

You felt a lump form in your throat as you listened to Levi's words. Just him being there for you brought so much warmth; it's as if he's hugging you from within.

At that moment, you realized how lucky you were to have him in your life.

You looked up at him, your eyes filled with a mixture of gratitude and vulnerability. His words, spoken with such gentle sincerity, had a profound effect on you. It felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders. You realized how much you had been bottling up and how much you had been neglecting your own well-being.

"Thank you," you whispered, your voice barely audible. "Thank you for always being here for me. I don't know what I would do without you."

Levi smiled softly, reaching up to brush away a stray tear that had escaped your eye. "You don't have to figure it out alone, Y/N. And never, ever hesitate to reach out to me. I am the last person that would push you away."

A comfortable silence settled between you as you both took a moment to appreciate the connection. The soft glow of the living room lamp casts a warm ambiance, creating an intimate atmosphere.

"I know I've been a bit of a downer lately," you admitted, your voice trembling slightly. "I hate that I let this get to me. I hate that I'm becoming this person who's always stressed and overwhelmed."

Levi squeezed your hand tighter.

"You're not this person, Y/N. You're going through a tough time, and that's okay."

You nodded, feeling a sense of relief wash over you. It was comforting to know that you had someone who understood and supported you unconditionally.

The conversation continued, flowing naturally as you shared your fears and worries with Levi. He listened patiently, offering words of encouragement and practical advice. You felt a sense of peace as you opened up to him, something you hadn't done in a long time.

Hours seemed to fly by as you talked. The initial darkness outside had given way to the soft hues of dawn. Levi's grip on your hand never loosened, his presence a constant source of comfort.

Eventually, the weight of exhaustion began to creep in. You yawned, your eyes heavy with sleep. Levi noticed and smiled gently.

"It's late, Y/N," he said softly. "Let's head to bed."

You nodded, your head leaning against his shoulder. "Mkay. Thank you, Levi."

Levi kissed the top of your head. "You're welcome. We'll talk more about this tomorrow if you want, alright?" 

You nodded, a sheepish smile on your face. "Okay."

He stood up and stretched, a yawn escaping his lips. "I'll get us some water."

You watched as Levi moved toward the kitchen, feeling exponentially better, all thanks to him. When he returned with two glasses of water, he handed you one and sat back down beside you.

"Drink up," he said, his voice soft but firm.

You took a sip, feeling the cool liquid soothe your throat. After finishing the water, you placed the glass on the coffee table and turned to Levi.

"Thank you, Levi, for everything," you said, your voice full of sincerity.

He gave you a small smile, his eyes reflecting his affection for you. "Always, Y/N."

Setting his glass aside, Levi suddenly cupped your face with his hands, his touch gentle yet commanding. He leaned in, his lips capturing yours in a kiss that was more passionate and eager than usual. His kiss conveyed all the love, support, and reassurance he wanted to give you, grounding you in the moment.

You responded in kind, your arms wrapping around his neck as you melted into the kiss. The intensity of the moment made your worries fade away, replaced by the warmth and love radiating from Levi. He pulled you closer, deepening the kiss, his hands moving to your waist, holding you securely.

When you finally pulled away for air, you rested your forehead against his, your breaths mingling. Levi's eyes were soft but intense, filled with a promise of unwavering support.

"You're not alone, Y/N," he whispered, his voice husky with emotion. "I love you, and I'll always be here for you."

Tears of gratitude filled your eyes as you looked at him. "I love you too, Levi."

With that, he took your hand and led you to the bedroom. You both settled into bed, the weight of the day's worries feeling lighter. As you lay there, wrapped in each other's arms, you felt a sense of peace and security that only Levi could provide.

"Goodnight, Y/N," Levi murmured, his breath warm against your ear.

"Goodnight, Levi," you replied, your voice barely above a whisper.

The room fell into a serene silence, only your steady breathing filling the space. Levi’s arms around you felt like a shield against the world’s troubles, and the steady beat of his heart was a comforting rhythm that lulled you into relaxation.

As sleep began to pull you under, you felt a tender kiss pressed to your forehead while Levi’s fingers lightly traced soothing patterns on your back—his way of reminding you that he was always there, ready to lift the burdens you carried.

[nevertheblood]

🎃🐦‍⬛Trick or treat🎃🕸️

happy early halloween! 🎃

i bring my current WIP~~ a little bit of mer!dazai and lifeguard!chuuya

working on this currently so the section i was gonna share just grew and grew and grew LOL

CW for injury and (dazai-typical?) suicidal ideation, plus some extremely vague references to physical intimacy (you'll see)

pls enjoy your treat!! 🍬👻

Dazai comes to as Chuuya is paddling them both to shore, struggling to balance two bodies on his thin surfboard amongst the heaving waves. Dazai tries to sit up, tensing his tail and nearly pitching them both off and into the sea.

-------

“Do not,” Chuuya barks at him, pushing him back down, a forceful palm in the centre of Dazai's chest, “Don't you fucking dare. I'm getting you on land, and I'm getting you patched up. Don't you dare tip me into the sea, drowning is not on my agenda.”

“I was playing the long game,” Dazai answers. He's barely audible over the rush of the waves, his voice croaky and rough with sea-salt. “Didn't you know? I'm one of those merfolk who lures men to a watery death. I just like to take my time with it.”

“Well, you're shit at it,” Chuuya says. “Stop trying to kill people, the sexy siren thing doesn't suit you. Stick to being a cute lil' annoyance in rockpools. That’s your day job, right?”

Even with his gaze set on the horizon, Chuuya sees Dazai smile, tired and faint, out of the corner of his eye. “I’m cute?”

“An annoyance,” Chuuya says firmly. Dazai’s smile carves itself deeper, looking just the slightest bit stronger.

By the time they reach the safe harbour of the sands, one of the many small coves in between the town beaches, where they're less likely to be seen by people, there's blood staining the waxed surface of Chuuya’s board, seeping into the scratches, the small crevices, dribbling off the sides and onto the sand. It might be permanent, but the thought doesn't stay in Chuuya's mind for long. He pulls Dazai carefully onto a sandbank, away from the advancing tide; notices the way the merman tenses his fins in distress, wincing as the sand drags against his scratched and bleeding scales.

“I've got you,” Chuuya says on a exhale of breath as he lays Dazai down. He's not sure Dazai hears him at all, the words lost to the crashing of the waves and the rush of the wind surging down the cliffs.

He doesn't mourn the moment as it passes. Instead, he gets to work, knowing immediately what he needs to do this time, checking Dazai's skin and scale and the extent of his wounds.

“What happened?” he demands. “Got caught in coral again?”

“Yeah,” Dazai says. He’s not looking at Chuuya, gaze sliding away to the left somewhere, draining away into the sand like the tide. The sun is bright, today, dancing in and out of clouds, teasing dazzling hints of pure blue sky, but the light hasn't reached Dazai's eyes. They are as dark and dull as river-rocks, muddied by the wash of rain.

“You need kelp, right?” Chuuya asks. He's trying to be concise, prioritising haste in order to help Dazai quicker, but maybe it comes off as too brusque, too demanding, too harsh, because Dazai doesn't even answer with words, just the tiniest of nods, arms lying listless on the damp sand.

“Stay here, then.” Chuuya doesn’t wait for Dazai to respond – he’s clearly not going to, not in his current state. Whether he’s weakened from his wounds or just mentally exhausted, Chuuya isn’t sure, but it almost doesn’t matter either way. Chuuya’s not a doctor and he’s not a psychiatrist, and he cannot fix whatever is wrong with Dazai beyond the most basic first aid.

That’s not the most reassuring thought. Still, he knows what he’s looking for, this time, and of course the light is much better, so he’s able to find what he needs quickly; zeroing in on the patches of green in the scattered rockpools and gathering each plant easily. He picks up enough that the kelp spills over in his arms, dripping on his wetsuit and onto the cool sand as he hurries back across the beach, to Dazai. There is still urgency, still, even if he does know what he’s doing slightly more than last time, and he feels the anxiety shake and rumble in his ribcage like distant thunder.

“Sit up,” he barks at Dazai on his return, not sparing any softness, nor wasting time on pity. “I’ll check your upper body first, okay? I figure that’s where your organs are.”

Dazai shrugs, complying but still saying nothing. His body is floppy as Chuuya pushes him upright – he’s not resisting, but his limbs hang languid, heavy, impossible to work with.

“Little help might be nice,” Chuuya snaps. “Didn’t you say your dad was a medic? You must know something about how to care for yourself.”

“Chuuya prob’ly knows more’n me,” Dazai mumbles back. “Your body’s more or less the same as mine… from the waist up, anyway.”

“I don’t know shit about your body.” He’s more than a little aggressive with his care, pulling the makeshift kelp bandages harshly around Dazai’s midriff. “You don’t breathe the same as me, I know that much for sure. I think your heart rate is different, too. Slower. Makes it fuckin’ hard to tell if you’re alive or not, which would be fine if you weren’t nearly dying every single goddamn week.” He’s pissed off, and it’s obvious; the way he manhandles Dazai’s arms and fins this way and that, tucking each piece of kelp a little too tightly, fingers digging into skin.  

Dazai notices his ire, of course, dull eyes flicking from staring vaguely at the horizon to focusing on Chuuya as he works. The merman seems to think about it for a moment, and then –

He takes Chuuya by the hand, webbed fingers wrapping around his wrist surprisingly gently – Chuuya growls wordlessly, affronted by the interruption to his work, but allows Dazai to guide his hand and lets it be placed, palm flat, against Dazai’s sternum.

“You’re right,” Dazai says, and Chuuya feels the buzz of his voice like electric shocks along his palm, “My heartbeat is slower than yours, and shallower. I don’t need to pump oxygen quite the same as you do, since the ocean carries my movements.” He drags Chuuya’s hand lower down, over his wet skin, and Chuuya wants to pull away because this feels so close, too close, but he can feel the light ridges of Dazai’s ribs under his fingertips and a corresponding ache answers in his own chest.

“I do have lungs,” Dazai says, “But they’re much, much smaller than a human’s – I mostly use my gills to breathe. Smaller ribcage, too. You can feel it, right?” His eyes bore into Chuuya’s, dark and endless as the bottom of an ocean trench, and Chuuya can only nod in response, breathless and mute. He curls his fingers, just slightly, to trace the shape of Dazai’s bones.

“My bones are lighter,” the merman continues, not looking away from Chuuya, as though reading his thoughts, “To make me more buoyant. My fins and tail make me a faster and more agile swimmer. But—” here he pulls Chuuya’s hand still lower, over his stomach (too thin, Chuuya thinks, isn’t he?) and down to where skin meets scale. Chuuya’s gaze breaks from Dazai’s to follow the motion. There’s a nasty-looking cut that drags deep red over his hipbone, or what Chuuya assumes is his hipbone. More than wanting to reach for the kelp bandages, Chuuya realises, more than just wanting to help, he wants to brush his hand over that wound, to whisper soft words and offer comfort, to sweep Dazai’s hair from his eyes, hold his face in one hand and tell him he’s safe.

The feeling stabs and roils in Chuuya’s stomach, sick and aching as though he’d swallowed a gallon of seawater. He’s good at fixing, that he knows. Good at helping. He’s not sure he’s so good at being soft, at being gentle. Especially not to Dazai.

“Inside, the rest of me is the same as you.” Dazai smirks, lopsided, the humour only half-there. “Nervous system, digestive system, reproductive system – pretty much just like a human’s, only positioned a little differently. Y’know, on account of the tail.”

Chuuya’s a grown-up. A normal, well-adjusted adult. Still, he thinks he feels his ears turn pink. Reproductive system. Pretty much just like a human’s.

It doesn’t matter to him. It’s none of his business. It’s not like he has any particular interest in Dazai in that way, right?

Still, his thumb strokes almost unconsciously over Dazai’s blood-streaked stomach, and the word that slinks unbidden into his mind is compatible.

We’d be compatible.

[fallen-faerie]

I noticed you haven't been as active on social media as you were even a few months ago.. is there any reason? I hope ur okay🖤

aw thank you for checking up on me🥺 honestly i've been struggling on and off with my mental health and trying to find medication that works. i've had it switched a couple times recently and even had a super bad reaction to one that landed me in a mental hospital. (well it was a combination of medication and other stuff.)

i think ive finally found one that works but as most psyche meds do, they've been making me act different. i've grown a bit tired of the kind of content i've been making for a long time now. my interests haven't changed at all. i still have the same interests, i'm just bored of the way i've been presenting them and myself if that makes sense😂

idk if bored is the right word. the "aesthetic"/overall vibe of my social media usually reflects the way i feel. and right now when i log on i see all the things i like but its presented in a way that doesn't feel like myself. its still me but i think in the last couple months i've grown a lot now that i've actually taken steps to learn about my newly diagnosed autism and started getting legitimate help for my bipolar disorder.

what it really comes down to is i just need to organize my brain and my pages on here a lot. i plan on revamping my tumblr and all my other social media to fit how i'm currently feeling. but i just haven't felt like doing it because the smallest tasks like that have reaaally been draining me mentally. it fucking sucks. but its been a lot better since i've had a bit of time to adjust to all the changes i've made for myself.

so i'm thinking i'll probably do a big "update" to all my social media either within the next few days or soonish lol sorry its taken me so long to answer ur anon. like i said, i've been mentally exhausted for a long time now and i just didnt know what the problem was until i was able to start thinking more clearly. having bipolar disorder is so difficult. because its both mania and depression. and it makes it extremely difficult to organize my thoughts when i'm struggling. idk if "regular" ppl deal with that but its always been an issue for me.

my content will most likely still be the same. i just might start adding some new stuff here and there and incorporate a lot of the new styles and aesthetics i've been into as of late. and perhaps diversify my content a bit too, because i have a lot of interests and fascinations with many things that i don't even post about online! 🥰

i hope i was able to give u an answer in the least confusing way possible. i'm terrible at explaining things. especially about myself😂 hence why most of the questions i answer always end up being paragraphs 😭

[fr-wiwiw]

I have no art to post— actually I do. It's my studies and sketches, sfw & nsfw, things like that. But I haven't been deliberately drawing something. Mainly I've just been focusing on sharpening my art skills to gain commissions as I'm a freelance human artist, in the midst of AI chaos, I'm trying my very best to keep up while not draining myself.

So I just want to give you some updates of my life, idk if this is important or not. I'm still a bit constipatedly (is this even a fucking word lol) awkward with communicating with my followers or advertising myself. Ironic, really, bcs I majored in design & advertisement.

Hi there, my lovelies—I hope you don't mind me calling you all that. I've been trying to do healthy habits and diligently fulfill my needs in 3 aspects. Mentally, spiritually and physically. For the past 7± years, I was not really in a great place mentally. I will not expose it in this post, don't worry it doesn't have anything to do with drugs or whatnot. Just that I've been constantly working and working, controlled by fear and my anxieties and I got depressed I think.

I didn't really understand how to actually 'heal' back then. But now I do now. Starting from January I've been trying to bounce back to have a healthy mindset again— trust me when I say I'm an overthinker & problem solver, it's such a nightmare to live in this body sometimes. Fellow overthinker, problem-solver & feeler type will relate to this perhaps hahah.. I'm a turbulence type too, fucking yay. Luckily, my prayers are answered. I can't write it down one by one here, you would be reading a 10k+ fanfiction and I'm sure you'd rather have me draw or write a real fanfic, smut would be preferable won't it? lol

I have many things change, become my better self (bcs I was, still am obsessed becoming better than my past self and I'm tired of living in such dark headspace). I do feel the changes, it helps that I have better friends, filtered out some that affects me negatively. This journey going into my 30s really is such a roller coaster, I never liked my 20s bcs of all the trauma and pain. But I wouldn't be able to reach this point if it wasn't for it.

So.. I'm grateful. Trying to always be grateful too, no matter how hard my circumstances are. I have faith that I will get what I've always envisioned and dream of

I'm also grateful that in 2022, a friend encouraged me to post my Gahan fanart. Now this may seem like biased and dedicated post for my Gahan moots & followers, in some way yes, I cannot deny that. But mostly this is too all of you, who come here and follow me bcs you like my arts & fanfics, supports me however you can despite having our own hardships that we may or may not share here. Your responses to my creations really feeds me and help me boost my confidence to keep drawing & keep creating, keep hoping. I always read your hashtags here, a lot of you are really such a hilarious individuals. I'm grateful my art can find you or you find my art and take delight in it. Because I do take delight in your reactions. In some ways, I never realized it, but you guys feel like penpals. It still feel one-way communication most of the time, idk if it's because of my awkwardness to respond to such responses. Feeling like, ah this too will pass or just bask in the reactions and sit then do nothing productive. I'm kinda scared I will be satisfied with one post and then not post anymore. You get it.. Yea you can probably tell by now I'm up in my head thinking too much. Posting that first Gahan fanart on twitter really was the best decision. It feels like I gained a special community, that's surprisingly still active and alive till this very day, I'm always waiting for new fics to drop gosh. I get to see tweets & tumblr posts that are deranged, detailed analysis, fan edits, those gifs, aus, fellow artists & authors! I get to know little bits of your daily lives too and what kind of person you are online haha, just so fun.

And then my freelancing journey.. My decision to become a freelancer has always been one of my dreams but boy oh boy isn't it fucking hard to start from 0 and exist in confusion haha. Money doesn't come easy too bcs I help feed my family along with my siblings. I've been swallowing all my jealousy seeing ppl my age can go out and watch concerts (even tho I don't like crowded & noisy places like that). Going on vacation, be in a romantic relationship, marry, so on and so forth. Idk if this is tmi posting my feelings like this out in the world, but it is what it is.

So.. TLDR:

Hi, I'm alive. I haven't post or updated much bcs I've been focusing on my well being. Honing my art skills, trying to get art commissions to put food on my table and simultaneously enjoying life as much as I could wisely. Thankyou to all of you who are still following me and keep supporting me, I will have to say, If you follow me for only Gahan posts, I have to disappoint you bcs I won't always post Gahan bcs I draw other things too. For my enjoyment, yours, others and mostly for me to gain market for commission too. This is norm, I'm sure most of you realized that too. But I still want to address things to you, I like interacting with all of you. I won't be surprised if one day you leave/unfollow, but let me be grateful to you while you're still here supporting me ^^

That's all for my update. I try my best to make this post as short but effective as possible so I don't bore you with my long ass writing, per usual lol. I cannot seem to write in shorts, I have accepted my faith lmao.

I wish you all well, wherever you are. I hope we can all be happy and well in this dark and uncertain place. Don't hesitate to give comments or drop questions here, I'm cooking my skills and art taste so I can give more to you and be satisfied with what I will achieve along with the progress.

See you in the next post!🌟

[kkyaka]

I'm so tired.

My finals are starting up and I've fucked up my sleep schedule so I sleep during the day. But I have two exams tomorrow from 8:30 am to 2 pm so I wanna get my sleep schedule right so I'm not tired. But I'm too tired to stay up all day (I haven't slept since like 4 pm yesterday) and I can't focus on my work.

I found out I had a paper due for one of my classes that I was supposed to turn in yesterday, and that took so much outta me. I'm so mentally drained, and I'm on my period also which doesn't help. My anxiety is so bad right now to the point where I feel numb even though I'm spiraling from stress. Usually I cry or something, but I haven't even had a breakdown lol, I literally just feel numb.

I wanna take breaks and like write some fanfic or play stardew valley, but the guilt of doing that instead of something productive literally eats at me when I think about doing that. My anxiety is also not letting me sleep, and I've resorted to sleeping on the floor so I don't sleep for too long, but its hella uncomfortable.

Idk what to do and I'm honestly struggling and not doing okay. I feel like I don't have enough time to study for my exams, and I'm starting to get really nervous the closer they get. I've also barely eaten for some reason. Idk if that's because I'm on my period and bloated or if that's my brain telling me not to until I've done a decent amount of work. But my stomach is empty but I have no desire to eat.

I honestly would love some advice bc I can't talk to my therapist for a hot minute and I don't know what to do. I honestly just wanna crawl in a hole and never come out.

[seraphynna]

HEADCANONS FOR MIKASA

MIKASA IN CH 139 DOESN'T EXIST TO ME.

I refuse to accept her final panels in the manga. With this stubborness, excuse me as I make headcanons for our girl. Hopefully this helps fellow Mikasa stans as well who aren't okay with her ending, even just a bit. Just enough to temporarily remove the bitterness lol.

As we all know, Mikasa returns to Paradis for Eren's burial. Honestly, this is perfectly understandable because let's face it, she's right. Nobody would give Eren a proper burial after what happened.

Armin and the rest of the Alliance are pre-occupied with settling the tensions between Eldia and what remains of the world. This is why Armin took credit for Eren's demise, because he knows Mikasa wouldn't able to handle this task. She already did the killing, despite her immense love for Eren, taking credit for that and being recognized as the 'hero' will be nothing but pure torture for her mental state. And so, Armin let her go to 'that' place, the tree on the hill, where it all began, to give Eren a proper burial and finally let him rest in peace.

And so after those events unfolded, this leads me to the first headcanon and my favorite one.

1. Mikasa buried the scarf together with Eren's head.

This would've been much more impactful and heartbreaking. I'm pretty sure everybody would be a crying mess (even non-eremika shippers) if this what happened instead.

As Mikasa was done preparing the grave and about to place Eren's head in it, she suddenly remembers her dream/vision/alternate reality whatever its called before she killed him. She remembers how he desperately plead for her to forget about him, that she has a long life ahead for her, that she's free. Right there and then, she arrives at an epiphany. She realizes that Eren's right. That him and her loved ones who have passed away (including her real and foster parents) wouldn't want her to suffer anymore. Yes, the time length for grieving is up to her. But eventually, she has to move on right? to find her place in the world, from the girl worth a 100 soldiers to simply just Mikasa Ackerman, a girl who's newfound resolve is to prove to herself, that she is as strong mentally just as she is strong physically, that with time, she can get through this. And so with that, she removes the scarf around her neck and wrapped it around Eren's head. (yo guys, just imagine this. with heartbreaking bg music) Ofcourse this is daunting, the first step of the process of letting go. So she weeps. Hard. Unlike she has ever done before. After few minutes, she sniffs and gathers herself. With Eren's head (with the scarf wrapped around it) clutched in her hands, she thanks him, for everything before finally placing it in the grave. 

2. Mikasa stayed in Paradis to figure out her connection with the Azumabito Clan and settle things with Hizuru.

Yea, that's the reason lol.

Apparently, Hizuru remained in Paradis or is still in connection with it because she's shown standing next to Historia.

3. She had a long conversation with Historia.

At first, Mikasa was shocked to find out that Historia is indeed a Jaegerist and knew about Eren's plan all along. I imagine that there's a few spat discourse between them because Historia was part of the og 104th scouts, and to find out that she's in support of Eren's plans hurts Mikasa. There's a wall between both of them now, but Mikasa didn't pressed on any furthur as she is tired of this. Both her and Historia still cares for eachother, but I guess the level of trust is not the same as before. With that,  Mikasa congratulated her for the birth of her baby and relayed to Historia about her current plans of staying in Paradis and fixing the loose knot with the Azumabito clan.

4. She keeps in touch with Armin and the rest of the alliance.

Armin and Mikasa are best friends ffs. Of course they wouldn't forget about eachother. They write letters to each other recounting their progresses and just plain updates about their respective lives.

5. IMPLIED ACKERTALK

Okay, I might be a tad biased about this because I'm a rivamika shipper but cmon! The Ackermans was such an important lore in the series that didn't get the chance to be explored. Levi and Mikasa talked about it in the Uprising Arc and boom, nothing happened after that like wtf? After all the parallels and hints between them, all of it just got thrown down in the drain? Hell no. Not in my headcanons.

Now this final scene I've written is a modification of the last scene from the manga itself. Like it or not, this is the best closure for Mikasa and the respectable last panels she deserves, in my opinion.

I'll be posting it as a seperate writing piece. Disclaimer though, I'm not confident about it not because of the context itself, but because my grammar probably sucks as english is not my native language lol.

PS. i'm not patronizing anyone who liked the ending. if you did, congrats. but pls let other people express their feelings and coping mechanisms haha. making these headcanons made me feel a lil bit better after reading the ending for the first time and wallowing in pity the whole night xD

[theskygivesmelife]

"I am the master of my fate,"

How ironic that a poem about self control uses this very phrase, whilst ignoring the fact that fate, or destiny actually imply that there can never truly be any control, for all is predetermined from the beginning of time.

...

I'd say we don't. Nonexistence is a superior state of existence in my opinion.

...

First things first: you don't love me, so stop saying you do. Even if you genuinely believe you do, you'll understand what I mean.

With that said, for the love of God can you stop messaging me? Not on WhatsApp because I will have *deleted* it, and not on Android messages because I can't respond as I don't have any balance. I use my phone only for music or gaming mainly anyway. Speaking of which, I thought I did make it clear that I don't want to talk to you. When was the last time we did talk? Right, your birthday. I don't remember ever being that drained after talking to you. Honestly, it was a pain—was it for you too? I guess that's what happens as one becomes truly apathetic. Seriously, I don't know who you're still trying to contact, but that person's dead. Well, not literally unfortunately, but if you do want to talk to some tired, disillusioned soul I'm still here I guess. As I mentioned, your little I love yous at the end don't really hold, because, you know, you're really just refering to the wrong person. For the record, I've started to think that not only am I incapable of loving, but am also incapable of being loved.

Anyhow, lets just say that if I were Jekyll then I'm Hyde now. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm responding to you. The "fuck her, why give a damn?" voices have been quite loud for some time. Well, I don't think of you all the time, so "fuck the world" might seem more apt as a generalisation. Back to the point: some time ago I'd have actually cared, but I don't give a shit now about anything.

I'll say it now: I don't think it'll ever be a good enough reason for you. I don't think any reason ever will. You'll probably still try to convince me to maintain contact, even though it's so horribly one sided. Well, I just couldn't care less for the most part. It'd probably be good if you wouldn't waste your time on me though. I mean, let's be real. You're not going to get my number once out if this country. Even if you miraculously did, you'd certainly make some replacement friends in college without the downsides that I have, so it'd be pointless. I know you won't listen anyway, and I said that I don't care either. So why am I even trying? I don't know.

If you'll remember I've tried to shut you out multiple times. It's funny now, ~because I feel absolutely nothing now.~ Quite often in the past I'd feel quite regretful or guilty, but now? Heh, just an emotionless robot just moving along now. Going through the motions you know. Still, if there's one thing I should mention, it's that I never lied to you when I said some sentimental crap like caring about you and such. Whoever I was back then, he genuinely ment it. And now, it seems like my wick is shorter than I imagined. It's going to burn up quick. You know what that means? Garima, it means peace at last. So, let me have my time now. I still dream of that little cottage far away, secluded from society. No-one for company. Okay, a cat and a dog. They'll be nice. A drum kit. Video games maybe? What'll I do? Electrician perhaps? Mechanic? Just so long as it isn't a crappy 9-5 job, and actually pays my bills. No people. No friends—do I really have any? No girlfriend—I don't want one (not asexual, but I'm not as horny as you I guess), and I doubt I'm capable of forming a proper relationship anyway. No family—I never had one to begin with. Can you imagine it? All alone and blissful. Just let me be. Please. One way or another, I'm gone. I'm actually feeling sad now typing this, tears in my eyes and all (I haven't cried in forever) but you shouldn't be. You've got a long, long way to go; you'll do well anyway. I don't know what I really was to you, or what I've done to you. I know that I was a hard person to deal with. I can't really list out all the times I've failed you; I hope you will forgive me for them. Believe me when I say that if there was ever I person I really tried to keep happy as often as I could, it was you.

" *Bye, stay healthy and happy* "

I won't—I can't.

Bye.

PS. Nice songs. I still appreciate music I guess, unless it's a really bad day.

...

[8/18/2018, 12:03 AM] Prathik: It seems not. Oh well, I was hoping I could talk one last time. Silly of me; you're probably either sleeping or studying for tomorrow's — should I say today's? — test.

[8/18/2018, 12:57 AM] Prathik: You know, I've been thinking: what if I wanted to talk to you one day? Would you then be ready to hold conversation? I think you would, but that doesn't strike me as fair. I mean you say that you'll miss me, but that's something you'll just have to take in your stride. On the contrary, if I miss you, then I try contacting you, and in all likelihood you'll just respond. What do you think?

[8/18/2018, 1:44 AM] Prathik: Maybe you're free tonight? I just want to talk; I don't know what I'm even doing now. Ugh I can't even explain it without sounding like some self pitying shithead. Forget it. I'm sorry

[8/18/2018, 12:42 PM] Prathik: Seriously, the very dynamics of our interactions are messed up. Everything is based on my mood and how I'm feeling. Don't want to talk? No problem! I'll go silent. Depressive episode? No problem! I'll go silent. It's like I can literally choose what and when we get to converse. Tired of our conversations? No problem! I'll just stop talking to you. And all you say is that you'll miss me. Sure, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, but bloody hell — why didn't you ever call me out for my behaviour? Gee, we screwed up...so many flaws and nothing was even done about them.

Yes, I'm ranting. I'll say stupid things, and maybe hurtful things too. If I were completely aware of what it is that sounded like that, then I wouldn't be saying them. Not that it's an excuse for saying anything I shouldn't. You probably shouldn't take anything personally, because in all likelihood, I'll probably just be projecting.

[8/18/2018, 12:52 PM] Prathik: Oh shit, I really need psychological help don't I? Do you think that if I got better, I'd finally stop sabotaging all the relationships I have?

[8/19/2018, 12:19 AM] Prathik: Goodbye

[8/19/2018, 2:25 PM] Prathik: Okay, I'll just leave this here. Just one last thing. I honestly am doubting my mental stability: I'd wager that I'm fairly unstable in general and more so at this point. My mood seems to swing like a fucking pendulum, and for whatever reason, I have and possibly might keep spouting unnecessary shit. So please, just *IGNORE EVERYTHING* I say. *EVERYTHING.* Except this one last message. Please. It's all I ask.

[8/19/2018, 2:54 PM] Prathik: I'm also not going to be using WhatsApp anymore — no point now right? — so I guess you'll be spared if having to reply to anything.

...

[8/8/2018, 10:24 PM] Prathik: Bloody hell, always nice to me even though I don't deserve it. Can't just go study like you ought to or talk to anyone else? You've got tons of friends after all. Perhaps one day they'll give you a consolation prize saying "good effort; hard luck" and maybe then you'll see how you're just wasting your time. Whatever. It's not like I can control you or force you to behave in a certain manner. Stupid world. Just leave me be

[8/8/2018, 10:52 PM] Prathik: I don't even know why you don't give in. I mean, what am I to you? Some depressed idiot that makes you feel better about yourself? I don't think that's the narrative you've sold to me, so that's probably not the reason.

It's kinda like you're an ant running against the wind. Not any wind, though, just that which is being blown by some sadistic little kid. It keeps running into it. Over and over it tries and fails. The wind keeps pushing it back, but the ant doesn't see how futile it's attempts are. It doesn't see that despite the fact that it keeps trying, nothing's going to change. It has so many other avenues of exploration, ones that would certainly lead to a great reception from the colony, but oh no. The ant keeps running, hoping that the resistance will decrease. Eventually the boy just blows harder, and the ant flies away and lands on its back. (Good thing it has an exoskeleton.) Only then does it see how pointless its efforts were, and that they were better off invested somewhere else.

...

You know how people throw that fucking annoying platitude around? That things will get better? Doesn't happen. It's no different in its progression from a physical illness, and once you go beyond a certain stage you're only living on fumes at that point. Limited time. But it'll get better they say. Fucking hell, it can also get worse, but who's willing to actually concede that bleak truth?

...

Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I'm just getting worse mentally. I mean, I set the suicide date for when I'm 25. It's only kept dropping. I started considering pushing it to college years, and now I'm genuinely pondering whether I should just drop out of college like when I'm 19 or so and be done with it — at least I won't have to wonder about how you'll come meet me in USA lol. I'm also drawing more blanks in tests. It's not like I don't know, it's just making me more and more anxious. Like the psychology UT we had just some time ago. I left 12 marks because it seemed to easy to be true and I thought I was wrong. I got 17.5 . And meeting people, ugh. Worse than ever. Sure I'm introverted, but at this rate I'm practically going to become a hermit. My ability to function like a sane person is waning, and it's actually quite clear. It's makes me awe struck and horrified at the same time seeing how someone is so capable of self sabotage. Yeah, I don't think I was made for this world. Just one big mistake that hasn't been taken care of yet.

...

Oh, if you haven't listened to it already, you really should listen to Heroes by David Bowie. Please do, if you haven't yet. Just this one song.

...

[6/28/2018, 12:13 AM] Prathik: I love you.

[6/28/2018, 12:14 AM] Prathik: ^ I just felt like saying that.

...

You don't get it. I don't know for sure that you like talking to me. Yes, you've said so so many times that I've lost track. I'd be lying if I said that it were enough to convince me. It isn't; you can't do anything to change my perception of myself, and sometimes I'll project, being the idiot I am after all. There's never going to be a time when I can the voice that says you're you're just using me for some kicks or something to shut up. That doubt will never go, and every time you say something like that, I'll make sure to interpret it as evidence that even you don't care, that you just let your guard down. You can't ever really make me satisfied or happy, so don't throw away any more of your time actually trying to justify anything. If you know that what you've done is fine, then it's fine.

...

[6/12/2018, 8:51 PM] Prathik: Speaking of which, it's interesting that you brought up the fact that our relationship is dysfunctional. Not that I really addressed it well when you originally meantioned it. It does make me wonder, are the dynamics of the way we interact with each other actually healthy? Perhaps we're just fucking each other in the ass and not even realising it? While it's a possibility that I consider, you should know that I don't think the second one is too probable. All the same, it's bothersome enough to actually consider pondering over. Funny, though, how I've just turned a blind eye to it; best relationship you've had you say. Pretty much the same for me, I suppose that's why I've not considered anything that suggests contrary to that opinion.

You know, we never did our cliched apologies. I'm not sure what exactly to apologise for; however, I don't have any qualms admitting that I did fuck up. I'm not sure it makes any sense to apologise for going silent for a month. Honestly, while I did miss you, I'm not sure of how much I actually regret it. Heck, if I hadn't misunderstood your message and not responded... Moreover, what's the point of saying sorry for something I've done multiple times and might do again anyway? It probably does defeat the purpose of it. I do regret making you angry though. I'm not too proud of getting you pissed off, I honestly am sorry about that. That conversation just didn't go the way I'd have liked it to I guess...

[6/12/2018, 8:53 PM] Prathik: Also, is it just me or have things between us changed? I mean, the one month silence probably did more harm than good. It'd have probably been better had I never done anything, or had not stupidly misinterpreted what you said and stayed silent after all. I don't know, I'm not saying it has anything to do with you anyway. I know who's responsible if something is wrong after all.

[6/12/2018, 10:04 PM] Prathik: Oh, today I mixed NaOH with NH4Br, boiled it and inhaled it. I also had to do some speaking for a group activity in English, and I didn't really fuck it up at all or get shaky knees

Just saying. Anyway, which Tapasya acquaintances are you still in touch with?

[6/12/2018, 10:42 PM] Prathik: Oh look, they just killed off net neutrality in USA. Fucking Ajit Pai. As if he didn't have an incredibly punchable face to begin with.

...

[6/10/2018, 10:05 AM] Prathik: If you say so. Read at your own inconvenience.

Since I'm idiotic enough, I decided to read more of the dude's articles. Lost a ton of brain cells. Also, don't read the comments. Nutty, the lot of them.

[6/10/2018, 11:00 AM] Prathik: "The power of propaganda always surprises me. Only 30 years ago, homosexuality was almost universally condemned, and now it’s accepted in half the world and half the States. Clearly, the natural position worldwide is that homosexuality is a disorder, and should be condemned. The problem is, we lost the youth. Somehow, homosexual advocates were able to brainwash and indoctrinate them into accepting it. If you talk to anyone my age, they believe that homosexuality poses no health risks (homosexuals have a 5 times higher chance of getting HIV) and that they are born as homosexuals (despite no scientific evidence.) IMO this is a result of two things: homosexual propaganda (esp. through the internet) and the collapse of the traditional marriage model. The parents simply haven’t taught their children about Christianity and thus they are easy prey for the homosexual movement.

Honestly, I am very pessimistic and I feel that it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. More and more ‘Christians’ are accepting this behavior day by day and it’s heartbreaking."

Has to be the most ironic things I've ever read. Talks about propaganda and indoctrination, but completely turns a blind eye to how he's become what he is.

[6/10/2018, 6:29 PM] Prathik: And now, I've realised that I could have actually spent my time better by talking to you on the phone as you suggested. Not that I studied one bit as I planned to do.

...

[6/9/2018, 1:56 AM] Garima Joshi: Bye now, love you.

[6/9/2018, 1:57 AM] Prathik: Bye. Love you.

...

if I could really recover from the depressed, socially anxious, and suicidal person I am today, believe me I'd let you know immediately. I promise.

...

[3/20/2018, 3:01 AM] Garima Joshi: I know you said you were tired. Thanks for sticking around. Always great talking to you.

[3/20/2018, 3:02 AM] Prathik: It's always fun talking to you. So.. yeah. Do we say goodnight or goodmorning at this point?

[3/20/2018, 3:03 AM] Prathik: Yeah. Stay safe in Delhi will you? Bye.

[3/20/2018, 3:04 AM] Garima Joshi: I'll try, I'll try.

Have a good day (today)

Bye, love you.

[3/20/2018, 3:06 AM] Prathik: I thought you said cheesy stuff were grossing you out...

I'm sorry, did I sound a little overprotective?

[3/20/2018, 3:13 AM] Garima Joshi: Okay Patrick I love you v much but I'll find you a wife tomorrow, for now you need those 2 hours 58 minutes of beauty sleep to rope in all those women

[3/20/2018, 3:13 AM] Prathik: Lulz. Fine. Love you too.

[supermom8609]

"I miss you like an idiot misses the point" -unknown but someone who should be me

Well, I just went through my everyday morning just like yesterday, and everyday before that. I swear I could end my day after every morning I have before s my kids go to school. It's not only physic ally exhausting but mentally draining.

"Mr. Mind fuck you till you want to break like never before, just because I like conflict and hostile times better than just letting it be what it is....the real unconditional love, came back last night around 1145pm, and we did a spontaneous fishing trip to my families lake home boat dock. Just him and I, good music, and poles in the water. We talked for hours, kissed between bait hook ups, and even howled and moaned to the moon a handful of times. Lol. Never a second of regret or arguments that are pointless, name calling, or anything that I would have any other feeling but pure bliss and happiness. Oh it was the best night or am of my life.

We got back to our house around 4am. Yes I said that shit right. Didn't even realize ehat time it was. My kiddos have to get up at 6 am. So whatever, I don't sleep till this evening. Fuck!!! Does anyone have these same problems I keep happening to me over and over? I would say that it might make me feel better knowing someone other than just me is suffering this way. But honestly I couldn't wish it apin anyone.

Well I decided I should do something to make sure my ads dodnt just fall asleep and forget to wake the damn kids up for school. Oh was my decision to sit in my rocking chair and get out my beads and jewelry making supplies a very bad idea. Going and laying down next to Michael, possibly risking falling asleep and having four extra kids at home the next day while I work, was obviously the choice I should have chosen in order to not be called names or to be accused of being unloyal or dishonest with the inly man I felt like I have no choice but to be honest and loyal to. My God, like do I honestly have this sign on my head as a set reminder to kick while down every day? I WON'T go into every detail or word that was exchanged between my loving, sweet, kind man but.....

Oh fuck it here we go. Mind as well right?

"Always sitting in that corner , aren't You? Do you do anything else besides those bullshit beads? Or that damn phone? I mean fuck Lee, why don't you just laya down and come hangout with Me? You probably save all your time for Tyler and your other boyfriends. "

Ok so this Tyler person right. Is the single father annoying guy my older sister went to school with, that needed a place to live in order to be able to see his daughter, that lives in the garage apartment, not my home, and has rent. He also doesn't hangout in the house unless he needs to cook something. His daughter come every weekend and he leaves every day at 630 am, takes her to school and then drives for lyft till 2 am. So days seeing him is far in between. Also, on the weekend he takes his daughter all day day and sun to a different park or water themed park. He moved in and was told to pay the utilities only. Those only come out to be either $400 or just under. Ever since I have been on my own I have always opened my doors to someone that needs a break in life or a push up. BEFORE I said yes to Tyler, I asked Michael if he would be ok with it, and when I told him the price, he quickly said Lee, he needs help, do it for nothing in return. SO I'm sorry that I took that as if it was ok to have him move into the garage. SO THE DAY that he moved in, Michael even went to his old house and picked up all his furniture and things and helped him move and set them into place in the garage. I was NOT even present this day. But anyways ok I guess I was wrong to think what someone says, is what it is.

I am so tired of hearing this shit every day for 3 1/2 months. Especially when I have never done anything against this man nor anything harmful to my relationship. I LITERALLY have worshiped this man, taken him to every court date even when we have been at each other's throat and he has left to go back to his mom's house, cooked for him, kept quiet when just because his daughter doesn't like him to be with anyone, Michael stays at his mom's during her visits. He never calls, texts, or even comes by. Before she found out for three weeks we had to sneak around and BEFORE she found out she stayed at my house, loved me. Oh this is the guy who stays at his mom's while she calls the cops on him or kicks him out every week. She attacks him every argument they get in and yells all the time. This is the 40 year old man that only acts like a 40 year old loving man when he's with me. But still, runs out every time I try to talk to him to defuse a hot moment or tell him a truth that is about how he does me every time I don't bend over and take it sort to say. I know I know maybe, he's so wrong