#//Bc CLEARLY that's going to happen; he's convinced she resents him & would jump at the chance to give her love to someone more 'deserving'
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redxriiot Ā· 4 years ago
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Low-key, the only thing Ei would hate more than his mother remarrying is getting step-siblings out of it.
#//One would figure he'd love having more family. But nope. Not in this case#hc#//His biggest worry about his mom remarrying is her getting her heart broke again. He Will NOT Allow That (not if he can help it)#//Which is why he'd subtly sabotage any guy looking to get with her any chance he gets; however he can manage. Especially spooking them#//Terrible; absolutely. But his mother finds it hilarious the times she's caught him doing it so she doesn't exactly stop it#//Plus she's not exactly looking for someone new either. Tho' anyone who can get past her lil 'guard dog' might spark her interest enough#//Ei'd still be pissed if she actually ends up remarrying tho'. He'll respect the decision (grudgingly) but keep a CLOSE eye on the person#;mun has spoken#//ANYWAY; if you add step-sibs into the mix; it gets him the worst feelings of anxiety over his mother possibly loving them more than him#//Bc CLEARLY that's going to happen; he's convinced she resents him & would jump at the chance to give her love to someone more 'deserving'#//He'd (quite unfairly) despise the hell out of them from sheer preconceived jealousy and fears. He won't be easily swayed out of it either#//As always trying to play it off in front of others; but he'd make it VERY clear to them from day one he'll want nothing to do with 'em#//Would never mention 'em to other folks; look for every chance to avoid dealing with 'em; seriously keeping 'em at arms' length#//Yet works twice as hard to 'surpass' them every chance he gets bc like HELL is he letting them take more of HIS MOM'S attention from him#//His whole beef with step-sibs would definitely be counterproductive and end up making things more tense b/w him and his mom tho' tbh#//One more thing to fight over; bc there's no way he can hide it from her for long & she'd be downright (justifiably) mortified#//Which wouldn't help shit at all; bc then in addition to feeling shitter about the situation; he'd resent them even MORE too#//Jealousy can make him a real shitty person sometimes; especially when it comes to someone so important to him like his mama#//Which is why he'd usually try so HARD to ensure folks don't see it manifesting the way he feels it; especially now in UA. Find other means#to express it. Lke go into avoidance mode/take it out on something unrelated to get the feeling out instead. It's mostly effective help#//That honestly how he copes with jealously in general; tbh. Though unlike how he'd be with rivals usually; he won't buddy up to step-sibs#//The exception to this is if the step-sib(s) are like 7 or younger tbh. Everyone else gets resented; but babus are special cases#//Bc then his instinct is less aggressive/competitive feelings; more 'This smol is mine. I will Cherish and Protect them'#//He'd be so inclined to spoil the HELL outta them. Step-sibs his age and/or older are ones he'd especially hate/feel competitive towards#//He might eventually come around if they keep determinedly trying to break through to him tho'. Bc even he'd appreciate the effort then#//He wouldn't get WHY they'd be trying so hard to get along when he doesn't wanna; but the fact that they're still doing so would get him#//Or if otherwise get him to sympathize w/ them. Bc he's still got a soft heart even w/ the grudge; and some things can really sway him#//Doesn't care much for any step-sibs from his dad's end tho'. Might be a little peeved/curious; but won't usually see them as 'competition'#//'Mom probably hates 'em already; no need to sweat it at all' he'd figure. Which ain't GOOD but he'd be more likely to get along with them#//Been a bit since the last Unpleasant Hc. It can better with time; but yeeeaah. Good thing it's unlikely to happen; no? Anza considered
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del-co-mrade-blog Ā· 6 years ago
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Iā€™m sure at some point Iā€™ll try to morph this blog into something with a theme - maybe communism/activism, maybe aesthetics, I donā€™t know. Right now I kind of need an outlet, so I guess thatā€™s what itā€™ll be. I only have two followers, and one of them is my boyfriend, so I guess you two can enjoy the ramblings Iā€™m gonna post here for a while. This tumblr was made because I wasnā€™t allowed to have one, so I guess Iā€™ll run with the theme of doing things I didnā€™t think I could do, and actually try to process and be open about my feelings without bombarding one person with them. So, if youā€™re here for some reason, I guess read on.Ā 
If youā€™ve made it this far, hi.Ā 
I donā€™t know what Iā€™m gonna write about in the future but since this is my first post I guess Iā€™ll just go for whatā€™s on my mind.
Iā€™m really sad rn. A bit ago I reconnected with an old friend. Things didnā€™t end well between us in the past, due to my past relationship and drama in that friend group, but since Iā€™ve grown and some time had passed, we ended up getting along a lot better than I had originally expected. We reconnected to talk about my ex, who was her friend, and who was a really shitty, abusive person, from whom I have plenty of mental and emotional scars (Iā€™m sure Iā€™ll go on about him sometime in the future). We talked about him, and she seemed to agree that he was toxic, and we ended up talking about a lot of other things, and eventually having semi-consistent contact via snapchat/other social media.Ā 
That was so great. I felt like I finally had the friend that I felt I never quite had back in the day, since I think we were both in different places in our lives, and I for one wasnā€™t able to be honest or genuine with anyone at that point. I had always heard about what an amazing friend she was, especially from my boyfriend, so it was really nice to experience what he was talking about, and be able to connect with someone in the way that we did.Ā 
Fun shit, though, her boyfriend of many years hates me. Not to get into that too much at this point, but there is a mutual disdain between us due to things that happened following my breakup with my ex and the beginning of my relationship with my new boyfriend. He resents me (supposedly) for being shitty to my ex (lmao), ripping my current boyfriend out of his life (which my bf doesnā€™t regret sooo), and I guess just generally being .... idek to be honest haha. Iā€™m not a huge fan of him for being a horrible friend to me and pretty much anyone else Iā€™ve ever witnessed him be friends with, in my opinion a bad boyfriend, and p much the opposite of someone Iā€™d want to have anything to do with at this point in my life. Oh yeah and sexual assault, but thatā€™s nothing compared to what my ex did I guess.Ā 
Side note, I wanna point out a little lesser known irony. While in a relationship with my ex, I was dead inside to the point of intense suicidal ideation. I was extremely depressed and had endured so much abuse on so many levels, I didnā€™t know how to get out or what to do. One aspect of our relationship is he had spend over a year convincing me to be okay withĀ ā€œpolyamoryā€ (aka he wanted to fuck multipleĀ ā€œflavorsā€ (races) of women while dating me). Eventually, with his knowledge, I started a relationship with a mutual friend (my current bf), which began 3 months of confusion wherein I fell in love with one guy while realizing how horrible my past relationship had been. There was a lot of back and forth, since I was scared of leaving the relationship I had been stuck in for so long, but eventually I left and am now dating my wonderful boyfriend. Hereā€™s where the irony comes in. Both my ex and my friendā€™s ex (from above) resented me for what happened. Thought I was a cheater, a bad girlfriend, whatever. Hereā€™s the tea.Ā 
My friendā€™s bf actively pursued me without my ex bfā€™s permission for a bit. Even while sitting in the same room, he made me feel him up and kissed my neck - not even 6 inches from my bf at the time. When my bf would step out of the room, my friendā€™s bf came over and tried to kiss me - when I dodged, he turned the lights out and tried again. He liked being physical with me - said it was bc he was on a break with his gf and wanted to touch someone - but did all of that behind my exā€™s back. Same ex he was pissed that IĀ ā€œcheated onā€, even though that situation was with his permission and much more above ground. It was about a week or so later he sexually assaulted me, jumped on me shirtless and shoved his tongue down my throat after cornering me in the basement alone. (My bfā€™s takeaway of all of this, after telling him I was kissed and touched against my will?Ā ā€œI wish he would have asked my permission firstā€.)
Tea #2: After breaking up with my ex, I tried to stay friends with him because I hated myself so much forĀ ā€œhurting himā€ (no regrets now, tho). I was so apologetic and just wanted him to forgive me, so I was quite a yes man for a while and didnā€™t want to cause any more waves in our friend group (that didnā€™t go so well tho haha). To jump to the chase, about 2 or so months after we broke up, he started telling me about who he was interested in. LO AND BEHOLD, itā€™s this same friend that I just reconnected with, whose bf sexually assaulted me. He talked about how he wanted them to break up, how he thought about her sexually all the time, how he had fantasies about fucking her in an elementary school (how didnā€™t i see he was a pedo at that point?), all kinds of stuff. He was trying to find out shit about their relationship in the hopes that theyā€™d break up and he could date her. Told me about how he was talking to her at night and trying to find out her kinks and prove to her that he had the same ones so maybe sheā€™d like him. All kind of shit. In retrospect, maybe I should have said something. Ironic that he was actually trying to do what people claimed had happened between the three of us during the breakup.Ā 
The summary of this is: my friendā€™s bf always had a problem with me since the breakup since I was aĀ ā€œcheaterā€, and my bfĀ ā€œstole me awayā€ or something. Meanwhile, he was doing the same thing behind my ex boyfriendā€™s back about 9 months before, AND my ex was doing the SAME THING to him the fuckin second he was single. Theyā€™re both shitty, inconsistent people, and I will never have a single good thing to say about either til the day I die.
Getting back on track. My friendā€™s bf hates me, and since he found out we were talking again, he apparently had a big problem with that. I donā€™t know many details, but apparently he was v upset with her about it and felt like she was betraying him (I wonā€™t even begin with the levels of irony here). The two of us kept talking for a while, but I knew it bothered her that she was being dishonest with him. One night recently she opened up to me about something going on in their relationship that involved her bf secretly texting his ex behind her back, and one thing led to another and he managed to blame it on her talking to me (fuckin snake). As I have been since we started talking again, I wanted to be supportive of her, and I stand by that because she deserves to know what healthy respect and boundaries look like from someone, but it led to her deciding that she wanted to try to make it work with him, and that we shouldnā€™t talk anymore.
Thatā€™s been it for the most part since then. Iā€™ve checked her social media a few times since (even though we had to disconnect on p much everything) and Iā€™ve refrained from liking any of her posts, even though Iā€™ve wished I could. It sucks because I can tell sheā€™s going through some shit still, or at least was as of a bit ago, but I canā€™t ask if sheā€™s okay, reach out to her, be a support system - be a fucking friend.
And this is what led me to start typing here as an outlet. We had a tiny bit of contact today, which I felt and feel guilty about since I really donā€™t want to stress her out or get her into any trouble. I was just reading an article about abusive relationships andĀ ā€œtrauma bondingā€, which is something that happens in an abuse victimā€™s brain that makes staying in their abusive relationship almost addicting, making it very hard to leave or see the situation clearly. I read it and very closely identified it, but also read it and saw a lot of things that made me worried for my friend. See, I know her boyfriend. We were friends for a while and I watched him be shitty to other people, and shitty to me, and honestly shitty to her for a long time. Heā€™s not a good person. He reminds me so much of my ex it makes me sick, and especially makes me sick to know that sheā€™s in that relationship and doesnā€™t feel like she can/should leave. Everyone has known it since high school - sheā€™s better than she thinks, and deserves more. He has never treated her right for longer than it takes to get back into a relationship with her. Thatā€™s not to say there arenā€™t good things he does - all abusers give you something to hold onto so you can rationalize staying. Iā€™m sure he does, my ex did, all shitty boyfriend and abusers do. I read that article and got really sad and really scared for her.
She told me that she doesnā€™t know how much sheā€™ll let him hurt her. I have the same fear. I let my ex hurt me for so long, and would have let him do it to this day if my current boyfriend hadnā€™t gotten involved. I know she wants to make it work, but what I donā€™t think she understands, and I didnā€™t want to tell her out of respect, and itā€™s not her problem.Ā 
There is nothing she can do, or should do, to make it work. All she can do is push down how she feels and make excuses in order to maintain an unhealthy relationship. She idealizes who he was in the past, yet admits he wasnā€™t good to people in the past. She says he wants to get better, yet all Iā€™ve ever heard is that he apologizes and repeats the patterns. She says he is sorry for the things heā€™s done and wants to make them right, but I know several people he has wronged, and never seen him do anything to make it up to them. He says what he needs to say, and since heā€™s good at being manipulative, it works. And I donā€™t blame her. I donā€™t think sheā€™s stupid. I donā€™t think a single negative thing of her. I was there, I know how it is. Theyā€™re really fucking convincing and can make even the worst things seem okay, turn anything into your fault, or take the blame and yet avoid blame altogether.Ā 
I donā€™t know what to do. I canā€™t sit here and watch someone go through what I did. In retrospect I would have wanted someone to get me out, even if it hurt (in fact, my bf did, and I will be forever grateful). I want to help her live her life in a way I bet she doesnā€™t think is possible. Live truthfully. Surround herself with supportive people. Find someone who truly truly loves her and respects her. Have total control of her body and mind. Be fucking truly happy for more than hours or days at a time. SHE CAN DO IT. I fucking know she can. If she believes that sheā€™s worth it and she wants whatā€™s best for herself, sheā€™ll leave. I wouldnā€™t say it to her before, but I spend a lot of time studying abusive relationships both because of my past and because of my field of study. She isnā€™t in a healthy relationship. Heā€™s not good for her. Itā€™s never going to get better. Itā€™s not her fault.
So many people care about her and will be there for her (hopefully) when she decides to leave him. We will all support her and help her be her best self. She wonā€™t be lonely, thereā€™s always someone to talk to, usually someone to hang out with.Ā 
God I wish things werenā€™t how they were. I want to respect her boundaries, but equally I want to help her get through this and be in a better place.
What the fuck do I do.
#p
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