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kuvirametalbender · 11 months

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TW: suicide mention, self harm, alcoholism,

something that isn't talk about recovery, that's seen as taboo even is that fact that you make a sort of twisted, resentful relationship with recovery, especially when it's forced onto you.

Back in january when i tried to kill myself and when i had spent a year prior absolutely destroying myself i was in a really dark place. And i still am sort of. When i tried to to kill myself it wasn't in a "cry for help" sort of way. I planned it, i figured out when my family was going to be out, i used my knowledge to do it in a relatively painless way, i had a date, a time, a how, and several hundreds of whys. And i didn't want to be saved. I didn't want to survive. I made a miscalculation. And sure there are easier, more definitive ways to kill myself, but i have NO clue how to get a gun, i could hardly walk so i couldn't throw myself off a bridge or into incoming traffic, i didn't want to hang myself because A i couldn't install a rope high enough for me and i didn't want it to hurt.

So I survived, and they checked me and i spent 4 months completely hating the fact that i survived.

See I didn't WANT to continue living. I was utterly unhappy, we were in a middle of a global pandemic that cost me my legs, I had lost the job that i loved WHERE I GOT SICK to begin with and still wanted to go back to, i had no money, my relationship was in the shits, i had a terrible relationship with my parents

There was not a single aspect in my life that brought me even the tiniest speck of happiness

So i spent 6 months in rehab blah blah blah and i really can't say when there was a switch in my mind. My life is still pretty shitty i have to say. There are SOME things that are better like my legs, which i can walk unassisted most days now (while having to tolerate huge amounts of pain daily but at least i can walk). And i sorta kinda have a future again probably (doing the whole residency match thing one last time)

But there are a lot of bad days still. In fact I'd say that most days are bad, but of course 6 months of therapy had taught me a lot about managing most days. MOST. days.

And I hate that when really bad days come, sometimes without anything external happening, just being overwhelmed and tired from having to deal with previous bad days, you really can't talk about it or even just express the fact that you're in a bad mood and don't want to interact, and I just want to focus on the stuff that i HAVE to do.

Because then I'm seen as relapsing, as going bad again. And so i resent the fact that "i'm better" that I "did the work" especially because I NEVER WANTED TO!!!! I DIDNT ASK FOR THIS!!! and sure it might sound ungrateful and whatever, trust me i've worked DAILY at this for far longer than you.

And yes! Sometimes I AM UNGRATEFUL because i didn't want the help. I very clearly, very vocally, and very actively wanted to kill myself and 99% of the reason im still here is not for me. I'm working on this shitshow called life for others, for my parents who nearly went bankrupt paying for therapy, and for my brother who i probably scarred for life and is why he hasn't talked to me more than 5 words since i was discharged and for my mom's boyfriend who i pretty much ruined his golden years.

So yeah, when i have really bad days i am resentful at my recovery. I sometimes hate it with all my heart. And so i talk about it, and so i write about it, and hope that in an hour ill feel a bit better.

#personal #suicide #recovery #depression

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femmefatclle · 4 years

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Hello everyone, I’m Ivy and as per usual, I do things in the last minute. Bellow is everything about my girl Ella who is one big mess but I’m planning huge things for her in the near future, so if you can help me to make it messier - it’ll be even better. The intro got a bit long so everyone who gets to the end, gets a present!

✎⌠madelaine petsch. cis female. she/her⌡❝ — well, look who’s just arrived ! if it isn’t the one and only elienna willard. though, around here they’re known as the femme fatale. don’t tell ‘em i said this but the twenty three year old assistant to a photographer / intern at a small firm kinda has a reputation of being deceitful and self-indulgent. but y’know, they can be versatile and intellectual too. typical aquarius. anyways, welcome home and stay safe ella !❞

tw for death, abuse, attempted suicide, addiction and attempted sexual assault

NAME: Elienna Willard NICKNAME/S: Ell/Ella AGE: twenty-three GENDER: cis female PRONOUNS: she/her SEXUAL ORIENTATION: bisexual HOMETOWN: Misty Hollow HEIGHT: 5′5 EYE COLOR: dark brown HAIR COLOR: red

/insert Madison Beer’s song - Dear society/

Elienna was born in Misty Hollow, Connecticut to Darius and Alice Willard. Her father was working as a car seller and her mother has a degree in bio engineering - it was known that she left her very promising career because of love after meeting Darius and moved with him in Misty Hollow.

As the years passed, her parents noticed that their daughter was showing signs of being way smarter than the average kids - it happened around the time when she was five years old. Apart from that she tended to stay away from most of the kids, closing herself in their house and showing much more interest in her mother’s books on bio engineering then socializing with people.

Growing up and being even more different because of her red hair, Elienna taught herself to use it as just another of her advantages, learning that manipulating and playing people is the only way she could keep her heart intact from the cruelty of those around her. She became really good at putting the right facade for different people, that way many thought of her of being two faced and even a cruel child. Yet her brain couldn’t make her immune from doing stupid things in the future.

When she was eleven her mother decided to leave her father and both of them moved to San Francisco. They lived there until Elienna graduated Golden Gate University with bachelor in business and pr at just 19 years old.

The university was the place she met her first and probably only real friend she’ll ever have. Best friend even. Because Elienna tended to appear as cold and distant, always standing away from people or acting as if they were beneath her, not to mention that she was way younger than all of the university students, her first months there were very difficult for her to adjust to. But then she met Sage. She was the complete opposite to all of Elienna’s constantly changing moods - three years older than her, wild, reckless, with short black hair and one-two small tattoos on her body, Sage was the light in the redheads life, taking her under her wing and then shoving her into the center of all the troubles.

Both of them became so close that for their second year they decided to move out together. Elienna’s mother was against it but eventually, seeing how happy for once her daughter was, she let this slide.

Sage was the first person who convinced Elienna to try alcohol, then cigarettes, then something else and something else until the vicious circle got all the way around. But having a closed confident, something she never had in her life made Elienna blind to how destructive their friendship was. After all it was all fun and games… until, in her third year, Elienna got way past the line - she eventually had gotten addicted to drugs and a lot of drinking. Her grades dropped, she was on the verge of being expelled because of not attending university for months and even her mother’s money weren’t about to fix things soon if something drastic wasn’t done.

This was the moment where her mother stepped in, trying to get Elienna out of Sage’s poisonous grip. In secret her mother put her in rehab against her will for two months so she could get clean and graduate. Indeed, that way her daughter got clean… but not from Sage’s friendship.

When she was 14, a photographer saw her as she and her mother were walking in one of the parks at San Francisco. Since natural redheads were rare to find, he asked to photograph her for fun, but then seeing that Elienna was natural in front of a camera, even with her shyness, he publicized his pictures. A lot of people were mesmerised by how pure and beautiful the girl looked so with that she even managed to get a few more photo shoots. Then, the era of Instagram appeared and Elienna easily became “star” there with over 16k followers at this time.

Her father died in a car accident five years ago, leaving his house to her. She refused to return to Misty Hollow for the funeral and later sold the property.

After graduation, her mother thought that she’ll continue her promising future in San Francisco, becoming one hell of a business woman, but the redhead surprised her when she announced that she was going back to her hometown. The reason - Sage managed to convince her how good it would be for her to go back to her hometown for a few months, a year maybe, reconnecting and healing from past wounds, before delving into the adulthood.

Going back to her hometown brought out a lot of memories. Since she wanted to try something new, Elienna got the job of an assistant to a photographer and used it as a way to get even better at her side “job” - modeling & being an Instagram star.

But as the time passed, Ell found out that with only being an assistant she couldn’t make much money, so she was forced to take on another job - this time, something close to her degree. Ell went on few interviews and became a business intern in one of the ‘biggest’ firms in town.

But then the strange obsession of her best friend came into her life. At this time both of them lived together again, partying and doing reckless stuff… until her friend got obsessed with the damn horror story of the town. Like, really obsessed. Strangely as it is, this was the thing that caused the first big problem in their friendship even if Elienna herself was a sucker for everything dark and dangerous that lurked in the town’s shadows.

Diving straight into the deep dark, Sage made Elienna follow her down with her. One of the last words Ell would remember that Sage had said to her was - If it wasn’t for me, your naive nature would’ve gotten you to the bottom. Now, with how popular you are and with the ability to make other people do your bidding, to be apart of something bigger then this shitty old town, you can be on top of all of them. So why are you still such a wailing bitch about it?

The next day Sage disappears.

It’s been almost two months now and no one knew what had happened to her. Elienna is a complete train wreck, practical living at the sheriff’s department and constantly posting on social media about what had happened, hoping that someone would help her find her missing friend. But with all the nasty rumours… deep down Elienna knows that she would never find her friend. At least, not alive. And sinking more and more into the pile of horrors this town has to offer, the redhead knows she’s not leaving soon.

Few months ago she was almost raped. That night Elienna was already drinking a little too much when all of it happened. It hurled her into emotionless black pit for a week, she even thought of pressing charges but at the end she didn’t do anything because Sage told her how terrible it would be for her reputation.

After the attempted sexual assault, at a moment of weakness, she thought about trying to kill herself. But when trying to do it, Elienna couldn’t take her life.

Recently she feels as if she’s stalked. And that’s when the anonymous messages start to appear…

Wow, if you’ve made it this far - congratulations! I already have full wc list posted on my blog and you can find it HERE. Ofc if you don’t find your muse into any of the positions - message me and I’d love to think of something with every single one of you. <333

#misty.intro #{{ // its so long i apologize }}

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romefm · 5 years

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i’m like 95% sure i have an assignment due tomorrow and it’s already midnight ........ so naturally i’m procrastinating so my world title of Captain Dumbass doesn’t ever come into question 👸👸 this is recycled bc i’m chronically incapable of effort but tl:dr he’s literally the embodiment of every shitty dude u have the misfortune of running into at the bar :/ but he’s held a door open for an old lady 1.5 times in his life so all is forgiven 😉

𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 here and do i have the tea for you . rome is back on campus , which is surprising considering the threatening note i left them . yes , i know all about him crashing his car while drunk and attempting to flee the scene because of their pride. imagine the tabloids and how the pierce family would feel for such information to come out , not to mention the reputation of pike because of their actions . at this rate , he is better off staying put in atlanta , georgia and living off that 500m family net worth. what’s the point in studying psychology with plans to play in the nfl , is it worth it with what i know ? anyways , they may want to continue to be protective & lion-hearted because the irascible & machiavellian attributes make me want to spill .

𝖓𝖆𝖒𝖊 : roman gabriel pierce

𝖆𝖌𝖊 : twenty - one

𝖉𝖔𝖇 : june 15th , 1998

𝖌𝖊𝖓𝖉𝖊𝖗 / 𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖓𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖘 : he / him

𝖘𝖊𝖝𝖚𝖆𝖑 & 𝖗𝖔𝖒𝖆𝖓𝖙𝖎𝖈 𝖔𝖗𝖎𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓 : 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️

𝖍𝖊𝖎𝖌𝖍𝖙: 6‘2″ 🤡

𝖆𝖕𝖕𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖆𝖓𝖈𝖊: having graduated from the title of white man’s wh*re , he is now cordially referred to as the white man’s beefcake . he treats gym sessions like a therapy visit , clocking in at a friendly 220 lbs . like all gym rats w/o a personality , he keeps his hair short on the sides n longer on top , a la this look . he has a scar running along the inside of his right arm from when he broke it , and another that splits his left eyebrow from his eighteenth birthday

𝖔𝖈𝖈𝖚𝖕𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓 : resident waste of space , quarterback for the hollingsworth mumbles ( update : it’s panthers ... they’re the panthers ) , least favorite son of the year recipient 1998 - 2019 .

𝖍𝖔𝖒𝖊𝖙𝖔𝖜𝖓 : atlanta , georgia .

ii.

second son of hall of fame ex falcons qb , miles pierce , and entrepreneur and daughter of a famed manhattan - based art collector , amélie pierce – rome’s future was pretty non - negotiable since day one . as soon as they could stumble around enough to pass for walking , miles had his sons enrolled in as many football programs as he legally could .

when rome was young , he loved it . the attention , the praise he received for his quickness despite being one of the smallest kids on the field . plus , going to his father’s games and being recognized as miles pierce’s kids was also fun . soon came time for the inevitable retirement on the heel of a downward - trending career , and after that things … changed .

suddenly , it was less praise and more demands . earlier practices , with his father making rome and his brother run drills until they were sick . suddenly , things that were previously good weren’t good enough , despite how much better his sons continued to be .

as anyone with half a brain could guess , these pressures eventually began to take their toll . with interests in anything else repressed by his father’s insistence that football is and always will be the most important thing in life , rome began to emulate his father’s aggressive attitude , first bringing it to the field and then , more notably , to his personal life . failed relationships , fights at school , sneaking home late absolutely blitzed out of his mind – none of the behaviors were healthy , but they were enough to take the weight of his father’s hands off of his shoulders , if only for a moment . until papa helicopter parent found out , that is .

tw abuse : despite his sons catering to his every will , miles’ incessant anger began to worsen , and soon a lot of the verbal abuse had started to become physical , too . sure , rome knew that it was wrong , but he also thought that maybe if he’d been better in the game last night , or worked harder at practice , maybe he’d stop .

he made varsity his freshman year of high school and took his team to the state championships , expecting his dad to finally approve of something he’d done . instead , he came home to the news that his mother was leaving – that his parents were splitting up and that this had been a long time combing . safe to say this mama’s boy ass bitch was devastated.

tw death : his dad only sunk deeper into his madness , but all that anyone else could see is that rome was throwing further , moving faster , and making better plays . a non - football related injury left him with a broken arm , and it was on the way home from the hospital that his father received the call that his ex - wife had taken her own life . devastated part ii , coming soon to a theater near you !

tw drugs , alcohol , general debauchery : the partying worsened . rome had entered a phase in his life where he was looking for something – anything to completely wipe his mind of any and all thoughts . the drugs , the alcohol , it was all a coping mechanism , but it definitely wasn’t a healthy one . soon , his brother left for college thousands of miles away , and rome found out that that fifth of rum goes down a lot easier after doing a few lines beforehand .

he chose to go to college in cali not because he wanted to , but because his dad knew that hollingsworth was a great school for scouting attention . in his midst of an extended bender compounded by having training now twice a day everyday on top of college courses , he decided to join pike – and he absolutely loves it .

he chose to major in psych because he wants to understand why his dad hates him so much skjfjks dumb b*tch .

also last summer he may or may not have allegedly accidentally wrapped his masterati around a telephone pole and gotten a dui . in reality , it was his brother’s accidental doing after a rather... heated argument between the two , but roman told him to gtfo and he’d take the fall because his bro finally managed to escape his dad and rome didn’t want him to suffer the same fate . it made headlines , but his dad pulled approximately 6 billion strings to get him conditionally reinstated to the team .

spent the summer before his junior year chillin in rehab , but he relapsed shortly after . consistency is key here , kids.

still bender - adjacent , but he’s kept it more lowkey because the nfl draft is coming in hot .

iii.

he really ………….. kinda sux , objectively sfdkjsdfjk . personality-wise and bc he has a southern accent .

he has so , so much pent up frustration and anger directed at his father and himself that it manifests in some pretty shitty behaviors .

he’s definitely controlling ( as a consequence of having v v little control over his own life ) , and he’ll manipulate any situation he deems worthy of his effort just to assure that he isn’t in any state of vulnerability .

i know yall get it , he vapes , but he’s definitely the kind of guy to try to keep the party running til 5 am and get pissed when people tell him that maybe he should stop .

he will provoke anyone and anything ( even inanimate objects ) if found in a self - destructive enough mood .

has a notoriously short temper , but what kind of gym rat doesn’t .

manages to still attain a 4.0 ( and in his words , psych is easy ) , so that’s another thing that makes it difficult for him to understand that his lifestyle is … per se … problematique .

10000% has sent a plethora of u up ? texts

kinda gets a little .. hm .. sad sometimes but that’s only after everyone bails from the party n he’s left alone in a dirty ass frat house sdkfsdjk

definitely an irredeemable trash bag and pls don’t think of him any other way

is definitely fiercely loyal to the 2.5 people who can tolerate him .

currently in an uber ride to hell , but 10/10 hit the option so that his uber driver can’t talk to him 🤡

#listen IIIIIIIIIIII didnt even read this when writing it so i honestly don't expect yall to either ksnfsnkdf #holling:intro

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cvtalysts · 6 years

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it’s me, back with FOUR new muses for y’all to love on. one of them is a potato farmer. they already got stats pages & mini blurbs set up, so follow the links below to learn more about 'em ! or just click the read more if ya don’t feel like clicking around

OSWALD ‘OZZIE’ FLYNN ( Richard Madden FC )

DAMIEN KNOX ( Hunter Parrish FC )

SEBASTIAN ‘MIDAS’ MILLS ( AJ Saudin FC )

SCOUT O’SHEA ( Amber Heard FC )

( RICHARD MADDEN. 28. HE/HIM. CISMALE. ) OSWALD ‘OZZIE’ FLYNN, + AMICABLE, - PURPOSELESS. — uber driver and part time line cook

the son of two former free spirits looking to put down permanent roots, ozzie was raised on a vegetable farm in northern ireland. while his parents were a bit older than those of most children his age, they certainly managed to keep up with their little surprise, chasing him around in circles day in and day out. as he got older, he and his father would work on the farm, harvesting corn and tending to the animals while his mother handmade jewelry to sell at crafts fairs in town. it was a simple life, one ozzie enjoyed but didn’t particularly want to be saddled with. when he heard tales of his parent’s travels in their younger years, he knew he was destined for that same path — and after finishing school, he scrounged up the little amount of money he had to his name and set off to see the world. for years, he lived off the land, staying in hostels and completing odd jobs for the locals to earn his keep. eventually, he made it to the states and fell in love with the california blue waves. buying a shitty old camry and using his tractor mechanic skills to fix it up with scraps from the junkyard, he began driving for uber and serves the kola area with a smile. for the first time in a long time, ozzie actually feels like a part of something, but news from home of his ailing father and his obligation to his family farm could very well threaten the life he’s begun to make for himself.

( HUNTER PARRISH. 31. HE/HIM. CISMALE. ) DAMIEN KNOX, + SUAVE, - MANIPULATIVE. — con artist

tw: drug mention

damien and his twin sister, daphne, were born to manhattan moguls richard and marilyn knox. he was raised in the lap of luxury, sent to the best private schools money could buy, and pretty much had his entire future mapped out from the moment he took his first breath. as a teenager, damien was shipped off to rehab after getting busted with cocaine at a society gala. to his day, he denies any deep-seated addiction problems, claiming his drug use was merely a casual way to deal with his endless boredom. clearly his half-hearted attempt at sobriety didn’t work, as he’s still known to dabble with narcotics every now and again, though he did make a few long-standing connections during his time at the facility. at the age of eighteen, damien and his sister left the upper east side in search of a more thrilling lifestyle. newly broke and in desperate need of assets, his teenage habit of petty theft slowly became a career of infamy, with damien even going as far as to steal diamonds from the safety deposit box of his estranged parents. quick-witted and fast on his feet, he can nab your wallet before you even allow yourself a lick of thought. damien has always had an unquenchable thirst for danger, though that’s not to say he’s an impulsive spirit. before going on a job, he carefully constructs a plan of action, oftentimes relying on more than a few back-ups just in case things don’t go accordingly. nowadays, he has upgraded from one offs to long cons, targeting the fabulous and wealthy and using his wits to seduce and bleed them dry.

( AJ SAUDIN. 24. HE/HIM. CISMALE. ) SEBASTIAN ‘MIDAS’ MILLS, + DEVOTED, - SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. — underground fighter

tw: kidnapping, gang implications

the younger brother to @undelfy‘s miles mills, sebastian was presumed dead after disappearing from his lower class neighborhood at the age of sixteen. in reality, he fell into a dangerous group of people and got swept up in an underground fighting ring where the leaders would pit teenage boys against each other for sport, using things like food, money, and shelter as leverage. bash realized quickly that the only way to survive was to rise through the ranks, which he eventually did, becoming the great midas mills, an unstoppable fighter with one hell of a right hook. now that he’s got everything he needs to get back on his feet, bash has slowly begun to take his life back — but is starting to think his family might be better off if he stays gone. personality wise, he is definitely a bit of a tough cookie. though rough around the edges when it comes to strangers, his wields a big heart and will do anything to protect those he loves.

( AMBER HEARD. 30. SHE/HER. CISFEMALE. ) SCOUT O’SHEA, + CAPABLE, - PARANOID. — owner of damaged goods garage

tw: death, car accident, alcohol mention

from the very beginning, scout o’shea seemed to radiate good fortune. raised in the town of kola by a celebrated neurosurgeon and a distinguished professor, her parents had big plans for her from the start. a bundle of energy from the get go, scout quickly found her place among the spirited social scene and by the time she hit high school, it was only expected she join the cheerleading squad. with enough pep to singlehandedly fill a football stadium, scout was an asset to the team and expected to take over as captain once the seniors graduated. however, her junior year, after being the sole survivor of a drunk driving accident in which three fellow cheerleaders were killed, the light within her slowly began to dwindle. soon enough, sunshine scout was officially closed for business. she spent the rest of her senior year shut off from the world as she grieved not only her friends, but the girl she used to be. she’d always been expected to go on to university and do something substantial, but as her classmates got busy filling out their college applications, she holed up in the school’s auto-shop, learning how to work on cars. a few months after graduation, her grandfather passed of natural causes and she received a hefty inheritance. her parents watched in horror as their prodigal daughter shelled out thousands of dollars to purchase her own garage, with plans to become a mechanic. twelve years later, the legend of scout o’shea and her friends has become a cautionary tale around kola as the former perky cheerleader spends her days emotionally stunted.

#fckits:intro #❝ ooc. ┊ let’s get this bread .

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